posted
I’ve hinted at this for some time, but the time has come to unleash it: my own Grant Morrison-ish attempt at a major LMB Onevision event!
What the heck am I talking about?
Well, I have a large storyline in my mind for the LMB that takes place in the early part of Kid Prime’s run as leader (roughly October-November of this past year), which is actually eight separate stories that have subtle intricate points that grow together into a larger story. Well, the first six or so are separate and the final two are a bit more connected anyway (more on that when you read them, which I hope someone does )
So, what I plan to do is use this thread as the place to post the entire eight mini-onevisions, with added bonus interludes (making this thread like the graphic novel), although I’m going to create a separate thread for each mini-onevision itself, so they can be read completely separate. The reasoning behind this is that each one is separate, and in fact, there is one I’m very proud of because of it’s humor (it stars Reboot, myself, Outdoor Miner and a few others! ), and I’d like it to be able to read separate too. So, to stop myself from having too many threads in Bits, I’ll only post one thread every few days, and try to do each one in its entirety (this will give me some time to get ahead too—I only have the first three written).
This mega-onevision story directly relates to my ‘BAW’ factor (bored at work) and NTGAL factor (need to get a life), but it’s also a pretty fun outlet of creativity for me. Eventually, this entire thing will star every single LMBer active on Legion World around October/November.
There are eight mini-onevisions. Then a larger Onevision-Sequel that concludes the overall story. Hopefully no amount of hack-writing or delusions of grandeur will hinder anyone from enjoying this
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
The Eight Impossible Space Missions: Mission One, Danger Damsel and the Bag of Bones
Legion World’s Newest Face
Standing on a rooftop, looking over the glorious streets of Legion World, she had forgets everything and for that second, she doesn’t have a care in the world. The wind catches her face, and despite its cold edginess, she smiles and embraces it. Six months have passed by, and she finally feels like she’s come of age. She finally enjoys Legion World.
Her name is Danger Damsel. At least, that’s the name she’s chosen for herself, even though it came about mainly a joke—and not even a joke by her, but more of a jab by a certain few Legion Worlders that she’s come to admire. Her real name is Anne, although she doesn’t really want to hear that name anymore.
Six months ago, she was a scared young woman who had come to Legion World, looking for a place to escape to. To forget about the mad state of the universe and the terrifying wars that occurred on a daily basis out there. Her sister Sarah and her made their way to Legion World, looking for safety, and they thought they had found it.
Six months ago, she was a scared young woman who had been attacked by hideous creatures during an onslaught on Legion World. Like so many others that night, she had been caught up in a horrifying attack by a plethora of undead creatures. Some strange Death Maiden and her shadow creatures attacked her (and others), while she was on a date with Cobalt Kid, and she was only saved by Princess Crujectra, The Boy with Ultra Powers and a few other members of the LMB. She was lucky—others were not as fortunate. She had been healed by Cobalt Kid (in some ironic twist, by the same power-force that had led to the attack in the first place), but she wasn’t truly healed.*
She was more terrified than ever. She wanted nothing to do with Legion World and the LMB—they scared her more than anything. She had her normal daily routine and did her job at Café Cramer, and she interacted with her sister Sarah and boyfriend Invisible Brainiac, but that was about it. She was content in having a quiet life…the streets of Legion World were something she wanted little to do with anymore.
And then, six months ago, she was attacked again. This time, by a man more terrifying than the hideous undead creatures that first attacked her, because he was exactly that—a man. He was a man that was ugly and perverse and wanted nothing more than revenge and to hurt others. He planned to do terrible, horrible things to her…but she stopped him. This scared young woman finally realized that the only way to combat her fear was to do something about it, and stopped being scared and took matters into her own hands. And Tarquin, the man who attacked her, died pathetically, while Anne finally took back what was hers.**
That was six months ago. This was now, and she was no longer that scared young woman. It began that night, and was culminating tonight.
She looked across the streets of Legion World, and saw him. It would come to a head now. He was magnificent in his efficiency, but she knew she would have to put aside any admiration…after all, this man was a brutal killer. No, she was ready to face him and beat him. There he was…Deathstroke Kid, enemy of the LMB.
Deathstroke Kid leapt across the building, the bag slung over his shoulder. He quickly secured it into a backpack that was clung tightly to him, and then pulled his staff back out. This fabled city was home to some of the most powerful individuals in the cosmos. You had to be totally insane to attack Legion World, home of the LMB.
Sanity, he smiled, was something he was unsure about, but he knew that he was meticulous, calculating, and not afraid of how high the odds were stacked against him. He accepted a job that no one else in their right mind would accept, and did so purely on the thought that it would be a major accomplishment to steal something from LMB Headquarters on Legion World, when the LMB were in the city.
He’d arrived that day, because he knew that the longer he was there, the harder it would be to stay undetected. He waited until there were few of them on Legion World. He also admitted to himself that he had help…in some of the most unlikely of places. Evidently, the LMB had more serious enemies, and more secret ones, than they realized. They were good though, that much they proved by leaving a battle with Deathstroke Kid with their lives.
He slipped into the main LMB headquarters on Legion World, through a massive security system designed by Doctor One, Reboot and a score of other LMBers, and was able to diffuse it more quickly than thought humanly possible. Of course, having access to 90% of one’s brain, especially a brain trained by the most calculating minds of the Dominion and Colu, made it a lot harder to be comparable to human.
Disaster Boy and Ferro Boy were on monitor duty, and they were about the only ones left in the headquarters at this time of night—most of the others were off doing their own thing. He traced his steps to where the secret room was supposed to be, from plans stolen by an insider of Legion World that was so secretive, no one that Deathstroke Kid had made contact with thus far had any clue to his identity or his role there. That would be their problem, since he had his own agenda and the plans were only a means to an end.
It was the room in LMB HQ that stored the most valuable and most destructive items the LMB ever encountered. Various artifacts and weapons, from the LMB’s enemies and allies were stored there…they were the things that the LMB deemed too powerful to exist, but had no means of destroying them, through both science and magic. The puzzle took him some time to solve, and it almost appeared that he didn’t have the proper tools to get in. But he was the best at what he did.
The door opened. There it all was. The Emerald Ass of Ekron. The Blazing Ring of Middlefinger. Wands, swords, weird shaped atomic bombs. Liquids, strange machines. All of it priceless. But it was all too hard to get out of Legion World. All except a small, dusty old bag in the corner. It was the contents within the bag that were needed.
Disaster Boy and Ferro Boy were on him immediately. They were impressive, as he expected. But he had been dealing with the LMB for sometime now, and knew what to expect. In time, they’d be a match for any foe. But right now, they had no way to contain him. Efficient. Cold. Calculating. They fell before him, but not before delaying him and landing a few excellent shots of their own. In time, they would be magnificent. As it was, they were still relatively new to the job.
So far, he had accomplished one of the most impossible things imaginable: he had broken into Legion World and into the heart of LMB Headquarters’ most secret room. Now he had to break out.
BOOM.
A bomb planted a good distance away erupted, according to schedule, and Deathstroke Kid knew that the fire it would spread would be more than enough to occupy Abin Quank, who he knew was present on LW at the time, for long enough to plan his escape. His allies made good on their promise.
BOOM.
Another erupted and he had no idea which LMBers, if any, would be sent to help the stranded at that explosion. He had been promised that many would be kept busy, and he trusted this mysterious cult so far.
That left other LMBers, who would now be looking for him—he had no way of knowing who was truly on Legion World. He needed to exit quickly, and the terrasact system set up by Stoopid Cat would work against him. He went over all of the profiles handed to him by his employers and considered every option available to him. Where each LMBer would most likely be.
Finally, he knew which way would be the best way out. He leapt across the final buildings, and made his way to entrance of the space-trains. The Express Train to Gologothia, which had recently just been completed, was due to leave. The LMB would probably be shutting the station down any second, and Deathstroke Kid was certain that Nightcrawler had probably teleported there immediately. He could see it now.
Then she appeared. A woman, skinny, but muscular and very physically fit, as if she’d been training for some time. She had green hair, cut very short, and a large sword around her back in a sheath. He’d have to kill her quick.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Danger Damsel leapt at the assassin, pulling her sword out and swinging. She thought it might be better to cut open the bag at first and empty its contents—it was obvious that that was what he was here for. No such luck, he easily blocked it with his staff. He was fast, and he was strong. She suddenly realized that he might be too much for her.
He was on her immediately. They fought hard, one on one. It seemed to last forever, but it was happening too quickly for either’s mind to comprehend. She dodged a hit and whacked him in the ribs, he seemed to be waiting for this, and she realized he let her hit him so she’d open up, and she suddenly felt a tremendous blow across the jaw with his staff. She fell back, and he turned the staff so an open end pointed her, and fire roared at her.
She leapt out of the way to avoid the fire, knowing that if she had the same long auburn hair she once did, it would probably be singed. He didn’t make a sound at all for some time, and then she could almost feel him grinning under his mask. “So the LMB are sending an even younger age of children to fight their battles?” he said smugly. “This will be a lesson to them then.” And he came at her now with full force, as if he’d been holding back up until now.
She wondered how she’d gotten to this point…
Six Months Earlier. She remembers:
Standing on a balcony with Cobalt Kid, himself a ragged mess, and wondering where she was going to go now. She was on longer a victim, she had decided. She would live her life on her own terms. She would overcome her fear of Legion World.
“Have you ever considered…some type of training? Defensive training. Something to help you focus on this new mission of yours, Anne…” he said to her.
“I—I don’t know. I…I need something.”
“Anne, I’m not asking you to become a Super-Hero or a LMBer. I’m telling you that there are ways of focusing on accomplishing what you’re trying to accomplish. You can train physically, as well as mentally…maybe even spiritually…” he said, although at this point he was thinking of things that were more concerning himself than anything.
“Perhaps…”
“Give it some thought”
Five Months Earlier:
“I want to be like you,” Anne said, staring Harbinger in the face. “Before you answer me, give me one second. It’s taken me weeks, weeks, to get the courage to come up to you. I admire you Harbinger…you’re strong, you’re smart, you say what you feel and you and people respect you. And you don’t take shit from anyone, and will gladly kick their ass.”
Harbinger looked to see who was watching, a wry smile on her face. She began to speak, but stopped. Finally, she smiled. “Anne, right? Invisible Brainiac was dating your sister?”
“Um, yes. They broke up though.”
“…right. Anyway…I *think* I might know what you’re talking about. I had a feeling you’d be coming to talk to me anyway. What you need is a change. You’re in a rut. If you’re looking to take active steps to change your life, you need to actually *do* something about it, not just talk about it.”
Six Hours Later:
“Hic! How do you like it?” says a drunken Anne, stumbling from the bathroom.
“Jaysus women, I didn’t mean for you to chop all your hair off and die it green! You’ve gone crazy on us!”
“Well, I kinda like it! It’s funky…it’s just what I need.”
“I guess it is at that…”
“More wine please,” says Anne, holding out her cup.
“Ah…I knew we’d get along”
Four Months Ago:
“Anne,” comes a voice from the corner, as the young woman practices fighting with some of the soldiers of the Triumvirate. Her body is honed and in excellent shape—she has no idea that the soldiers are all vying for her attention and affection.
It’s Lightning Lad, Semi-Transparent Fellow and Kent Shakespeare. They’re all slightly smiling.
“Scott! How are you?” she asks, a bit surprised and a bit delighted. She had gotten to know Semi a little better by stopping into SHAKES, but most people knew Semi. Kent and Scott she had only met a few times, so it was surprising that they’d come seek her out. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
“Well, a bunch of us really wanted to make this more special, but I’m afraid Whordru has just attacked the planet Fornicatia and most of us are being called off planet. So we’ll have to be quick…” Lightning Lad began to trail off.
“Um, huh? What are you guys talking about?”
“Anne, for the last month, you’ve trained in physical combat all day everyday and have surprised most of the city and the LMB proper in doing so. Let’s face it—you have a knack for it,” began Kent.
“Fat Cramer tells me that you spend the majority of your evenings in the libraries, soaking up as much knowledge as you can about a variety of things. And not just science and traditional education either. Things like religion and history, psychology and various alien philosophies,” added Semi.
“Basically, we’re all impressed by you,” finished Scott. “As you know, no one can join the LMB unless they have a super-power, which you do not. But you have spirit, and frankly, that can’t be taught. So we’d like to offer you enrollment into the LMB Academy to train, since it’s become apparent that that is one of your goals. You won’t be able to become a LMBer of course, but the training will be very beneficial.”
“I…I…I don’t know what to say,” replied the young woman, whose small but ripped muscles became suddenly tense, as her legs felt like they’d give way. A wave of emotion hit her like a splash of water. This was surreal.
“Fat Cramer herself is sponsoring your enrollment,” finished Semi.
“Each student has their own individual track—there is no real grading system other than what you want to get out of it yourself. What you put in, you’ll get out.”
“Anne?” added Kent.
“I-I’m in shock,”
“Well…” grinned Semi, “snap out of it. You begin tomorrow and the Academy has a variety of LMBers that pitch in and give classes some of the time. They also will give you a hard time in your own way. You’re first teacher will definitely do this.”
“Wh-Who is it?”
“Numf-El.”
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Walking into the Halls of the LMB Academy, she felt the strangest combination of feelings: anticipation and total anxiety, the greatest thrill and biggest scare of her life. This was it. Now was the time to take the step she had promised herself she’d take.
Her body was honed. Her hair was cropped short and dyed green—it was her own look. She had a dark blue costume on, designed by the famous designers Sketch Lad and Lucien Lad. She was ready. She just had to become focused in her mind.
“Ass is kinda bony, but she should do alright, eh?” she heard a voice, and turned to see a muscular LMBer who was red in the face. For a second, she could swear he had been drinking.
“Well, gonna say anything girly, or just stand ther an admire whatcha got in front ya?” he repeated. Now she knew he was drunk. He reeked of something that smelt like a cross between whiskey and motor oil.
“I’m Annie, sir.”
“Sir? Don’t be givin’ me none a that lip. They tell me yer a crazy lil’ lady, thinks she’s dangerous. They also tell me that I ain’t supposed to mention how you were this big damsel in distress a few months ago, that you almost didn’t make it two times. Well, none of that here, ok? You got that, Damsel?”
Instantly, Anne wanted to cry. Then, she wanted to rip his eyes out. How dare he? ‘Damsel in distress’? She looked at him and saw he was smiling at her. With a big grin.
“Not a bad ass on ya, have to say. Ya get that after ya started workin’ out, or back when you were a damsel. Danger Damsel. There ya go, that’s yer new codename.”
Her face was now a shade slightly darker than crimson. Her eyes were daggers. What in the name of all of hell was happening—wasn’t this supposed to be the LMB Academy?
“Yer not gettin’ mad are ye? Ya got the same look Harbinger gets when I talk about her beautiful bazoobies in front a all the children.”
“YOU LISTEN UP, YOU SONUVA—“ she leaped into his face, when suddenly: KRAK! He came along her legs with a slight chop/whack, and knocked her clear on her ass.
“Well, what the hell you doin’down there? You gonna get up and show me if you can fight? Cuz if you’re gonna be down there all day, you might as well—“
It was on.
And so began the cruel teachings of Numf-El. She fought him with everything she had that day, and he, enjoying every minute of it, held nothing back. And he kicked the living crap out of her, and did it the whole time three sheets to the wind, stopping every ten minutes, while she was totally out of breath, to sip back another half pint of whatever crazy concoction it was that he was drinking.
Days went by, then weeks. She became better and better. Stronger and stronger. Tougher. She became smarter too—and she learned how to put aside her blind rage, and ignore what he was saying and focus on the issue at hand.
By week three, she was quipping back and forth with him, adding her own flavor to the jokes. Of course, this only encouraged him to get dirtier, although she began pushing him to a point where she had no real idea what the heck he was saying—it was truly some strange dialect that sure as hell made Sonnie and Harbinger laugh, but left the rest of them scratching their heads.
The other Academy students began calling her Danger Damsel, and the name stuck. She hated it. Soon, other LMBers began calling her it as well, and she hated it even more. One day, in passing, Fat Cramer happened to call her over to ask how she was doing, and instead of calling her Anne, called her Danger Damsel as well. Suddenly…she kind of liked it. Thus…she was Danger Damsel.
Eventually, her time with Numf-El ended. She had a lot she wanted to say to him, a lot she wanted to thank him for. So they went out and got drunk, and she prepared to tell him how much it all meant…and he promptly passed out snoring on the bar. But hey, that’s Numf for you.
More teachers came and went. Along the way, she picked up the art of using a 26th Century Khundian Black Sword, on the suggestion from Lash Lad that the students never stop learning, and learn how to use modern technology, as well as old technology, to their advantage.
She trained, and trained. Eventually she decided her time in the Academy was through.
Suddenly, she remembered where she was again. That’s right, she was about to have her head blown clean off her shoulders by Deathstroke Kid, who just handed her the beating of her life.
She looked up and realized her mouth was throbbing. She was on her knees and realized that her first real battle with an enemy was going to end in her death.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Deathstroke Kid looked down on the young woman, and calculated that by murdering her, he’d be delayed exactly fifteen seconds—a welcome sacrifice if it meant killing someone dear to the LMB. He put the end of his staff to her head and—
CRACK!
The staff was knocked clear out of his hands, as a foot leapt into his face. *BAMF* cracked in the wind and the smell of sulphur was left behind. *BAMF* again, and Danger Damsel was put to pseudo safety roughly twenty feet from where she stood.
Nightcrawler had arrived, and had saved her life.
Deathstroke Kid stared at the LMBer. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
“Do not think for one moment, my friend,” said Nightcrawler, teleporting again, and reappearing above his enemies head and leaping on to him, “that I allow people to come into my home and attack those in my care!”
Danger Damsel looked on and saw a true battle of wills, each man flawless in their execution, and having the full intentions of bringing the other down. They were magnificent.
A figure caught her eye, and she realized that the bag that had been around Deathstroke Kid’s back was a few feet away from her. Nightcrawler, ever the master at his art, had immediately disarmed Deathstroke Kid and sent it flying. She went to reach it, and realized that there was no way she’d be able to make it to her feet.
She watched as a hooded figure approached, emerging from the shadows, and pulled the bag away. The figure looked at her, hesitated, and then moved on. Around his neck was a chain, with the symbol of what looked like the sun, in a dark red—crimson tainted black color. Very quickly, he boarded the train, which continued to run on time, despite the enormous crowd gathering to watch the battle.
Nightcrawler and Deathstroke Kid raged on, becoming more brutal by the second—the time for amateur games had passed. These were two men who were the best at what they do, and they were trying to tear the other apart.
The hooded figure boarded the train and passed the bag on to another man, this time not a hooded figure. She thought she recognized him but her eyes were going blurry. Everything was happening so fast. She was passing out, but had to get a better look. No luck. The hooded man reemerged and the train sped off, the bag gone with the mystery passenger.
The hooded figure pulled out a blaster-like device, and pointed it in the air. Nightcrawler and Deathstroke Kid continued to fight. The train began to depart. People were gathering and screaming. She heard voices—other LMBers were arriving on the scene?
The hooded figure fired his gun into the air, and at once a purple firework display emerged, almost as if something had been activated. Somewhere in the distance, she thought she saw another one being fired.
She was quickly scooped up. It was Abin Quank, who had arrived on the scene. Nightcrawler teleported next to him. She could hear them talk.
“Did he get away?”
”Yes, but not on the train. He’s somewhere on Legion World, I think,” replied Gary.
“We’ll put out a full-wide search”, said Abin.
“My thoughts too, but I’m having no luck. The guys on Monitor Duty aren’t responding, Matlock’s omni-com is coming up with no signal, and most of the LMB is away on that huge mission on Prying Mantis World. I can’t raise anyone.”
“What did Deathstroke Kid steal?”
“It was a bag of bones. It was the Bones of the Forsaken Bard,”
“Good Lord,”
“Exactly. The worst murder spree in Legion World history from that undead vile creature. And it’s on the loose again. What the hell is going on?”
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Danger Damsel woke back up, still in Abin’s hands with Nightcrawler beside them, standing on a platform created by the Green Lantern.
“Shh,” he said, “we’re almost there,”
“Gary…I’m sorry,” said Danger Damsel
“You have nothing to be sorry for Anne,” replied Nightcrawler, “because of you, we almost had him and we stopped him from escaping. But now it seems that Deathstroke Kid isn’t our biggest problem, as much as I want to go after him.”
“During the battle, a purple ray was fired into the sky that discharged some sort of magnetic pulse over Legion World. My Ring picked up that another exact discharge was fired on Legion World at the same exact time, and another not too far from planet-side.”
“And the bones of the Forsaken Bard are missing. Evidently, there is more going on at this exact moment than any of us are aware of. We need to return home to Kid Prime’s HQ and find out what’s happening.”
Danger Damsel let her eyes close a little more and tried to remember what she saw. Who was that man? Who was the hooded figure? What as happening? She knew one thing…her first mission was a failure.
END CHAPTER ONE
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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“Sentient, please,” responded Space Ranger. “Yes we are coming home from a mission at Praying Mantis World. We served a very important purpose and stopped further violence by averting the Civil War there. I know it can be hard to comprehend these things…”
“Oh, I comprehend all right…but….Freggin’ Praying Mantis World?! What’s next, Rainbow Kryptonite? A tomato with wheels?”
“Hm…good idea for a thread…” added Cobalt Kid. “Don’t worry Reboot, someday you’ll adjust to the life of a hero. Just follow me lead,” he said, flashing his white teeth.
“I’m going to kill him…” added Reboot, “Glitch—“
“Ooooookaaaay,” jumped in Actor Lad, let’s just settle in and see how Outdoor Miner is doing flying the ship.”
“Flying the ship?,” said Outdoor Miner next to them, “I’m right here. And after that conversation, I’m drinking heavily.”
“Hey, I think I’ll join you,” added Cobalt.
Silence.
“Sentients, who is flying the ship then?” said Space Ranger.
Kid Vudoo walked out of the back area of the cruiser. “You know, we should have had Mantis on that mission, come to think of it,” added in Kid Vudoo (formerly Rtvu).
“What?” said Actor Lad.
“Well, it was Praying Mantis World, right? The way our logic goes, Mantis might have been the key to an earlier victory.”
“Is anyone else noticing this?” said Actor Lad, out loud.
“*Gulp*”- Cobalt
“*Gulp*”- Outdoor Miner
“*Freggin’ Praying Mantis World…”- Reboot
“Space Ranger?”- Vudoo
“Hm…you know Vudoo has a point. That *would* make sense.”
“GUYS, WHO IS FLYING OUR CRUISER!!!”
The six heroes rush to the front of the ship to see it hurtling into the sun.
“By the bristling beard of LardLad! Six of the greatest heroes of the LMB, including the most legendary, I, Cobalt Kid, and we might be finished off by mere negligence?”
“Psst, Actor, check it out,” said Reboot, pointing towards the omni-screen. “Looks like that pirate band is raiding another royal heirloom.”
Actor Lad and Reboot turned to look at the monitors. They were in deep space, on their way home from a major LMB mission, on a planet that could only be translated into Interlac as “Praying Mantis World”. There was a massive number of LMBers present on this mission, and they had all broken up into groups of six or so to head on home to Legion World, although various activities and distraction (as always) pulled them into different directions.
Kid Prime had a silent chuckle before he went off on his own cruiser at the idea of Reboot and Cobalt Kid, who had not exactly seen eye to eye in the past, spending the next few hours together. The addition of Space Ranger and Actor Lad, two respective friends of each, as well as the ever drinking Outdoor Miner and not so much a newcomer anymore Kid Voodoo would make it even more interesting.
He would have been right. From the minute the set foot onto the ship, Reboot began pointing out minor things that he considered ironic, such as how Cobalt Kid had amassed one third of Legion World’s army under his own flag, and then was also one fifth of the largest land-owning group on Legion World proper. Cobalt, knowing how to play up his own effects, proceeded to explain to Reboot how he would one day understand the concepts of justice and order and the necessity of stopping violence and not encouraging it. Outdoor Miner wasted no time in drinking.
Currently, Reboot watched as a band of space-pirates were attempting to hijack a royal transport from the planet … The ship itself was the epitome of decadence, which was even more revolting in this newer era of a rabidly growing poor universal economy. Actor Lad watched on with his friend, unsure of the situation, but Reboot looked more closely, examining what the pirates looked like—trying to pick up the state of their dress and their hygiene. If these were men and women in desperate need of some kind of currency to keep themselves from starving, they might have a genuine need for some of the lavish wealth on board.
“What in the--?!” said Cobalt Kid, walking into the room. “What’s going on there, a pirate raid?”
“We’re not sure yet, I’m having Glitch examine for closer details,” replied Reboot.
“Closer details? Those pirates are forcing the ship to dock and are boarding it while armed with intense weaponry. That’s piracy if I’ve ever seen it,”
“Well, don’t jump the gun Triumvir, those men might be in desperate need of food and money! Surely that royal ship can supply them with something…”
“’Boot…my name isn’t Shirley,” replied Cobalt Kid, and then clicking on his omni-com, “Space Ranger, we’ve got a problem. Check out your monitor on coordinates 45-87 and you’ll seem some space-pirates raiding some type of royal vessel. Go ahead and show them that there is still justice in the universe.”
“Understood,” replied Space Ranger, “piracy will not be tolerated. Truth and Justice Prevail!”
“Bug, you go with ‘im,” said Cobalt into his omni-com.
“Monkey, no,” said Outdoor Miner into his.
Cobalt started laughing, “I love it when OM gets all drunk like this…”
“Cobalt, what are you doing? Sending your big Daxamite Fascist down there to clean house?”
“Um…yes, but not the fascist part. Why, don’t tell me you agree with them?”
“Where did you get the authority to issue that order? We’re not on Legion World! You’re Security Chief status doesn’t fly out here in space!”
“Well, someone had to give an order!”
“Uh…” said Actor Lad, “here we go again…I’m going to join Kid Vudoo…”
As the two argued on, Space Ranger flew out into space and rushed down, quickly dismantling the pirates before they could breach the ship. “Stand down sentients! This type of theft and terrorism will not be tolerated in this sector of space. Banditry violates UP law 859340-U, and you are clearly engaging in this act!”
“Blow me, tight ass!” yelled a scurvy pirate.
Space Ranger’s eyes squinted a little. “…I see.”
Minutes later, the pirates were all rounded up and their pirate space ship was set in a big bow-tie. “You bastard! That was our ship!”
“Really? Well, then I guess you can just ‘blow—“
“Ranger!” yelled Cobalt Kid, joining him, “great job! Possibly a new record!” Kid Vudoo, Reboot and Actor Lad were beside him. “Where’s OM?”
Quickly, OM teleported into view. “You’re not gonna like this, Cobie. Some princess is on board who just overheard me mention your name in passing.”
“What’s not to like!” said Cobalt, “another added bonus! Which princess? I know quite a few you know…”
“Um…right…well, Princess Tarina, and I think she wants to kill us all…”
Suddenly, a burst of pure light ripped through the side of the ship, and Princess Tarina, and a small array of her royal guardsmen, prepared for attack.
“Oh…that Princess,” said a disappointed and distressed Cobalt Kid.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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“LMB! At last! I’ve wanted revenge on your little squad since our last run in*, and I’m going to take it now!”
“Whoa! Whose this babe, Cobie?” said Actor Lad, as the royal guardsmen began shooting off photon-rays and razer-electric nets flew over their heads.
Princess Tarina suddenly let forth a massive light-burst, knocking all six LMBers backwards. “What, a genuine rich royal, not in league with one of our triumvir elitists?” said Reboot smiling. “What’s next, Cobalt is elected to something without his army backing him up?”
“Guys, this is Princess Tarina,” began Outdoor Miner, “who is LardLad level-powerful, with a full mastery over light particles, which she can use in a variety of ways. She had a skirmish with a small group of LMBers during all that Elagabolus madness about six months back, and isn’t exactly happy with Cobie, Lash, Stu, and the rest.” Then he added a “Hick!”, as he teleported across the way to land another punch into a guardsmen.
“Whoa, OM, reading up on the archives lately?” said Kid Vudoo, leaping over two guardsmen and delivering a hard kick into someone’s teeth.
“Hey, I get bored when everyone passes out!” replied OM, putting his hands up.
Space Ranger flew towards Tarina hoping to end it quick, but her mastery over light allowed her to move and react far quicker than he realized. She effortlessly blasted him backwards, and sent him flying into the pirates he had tied up. “Aw, c’mon! You landed on us on purpose!” yelled the pirate. “Sentient, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” replied Space Ranger, stepping on his head to climb out.
“Hey, Guardsmen, we surrender!” yelled Actor Lad, to which the guardsmen near him stopped fighting.
“Really?” said the main guard. “So soon?”
“Uh, well…NO!” yelled Actor Lad, punching him in the face! “That was called using my power buddy, of super-acting!”
“So basically, this is your fault,” said Reboot, trying to get close to Tarina.
“My fault? You were the one that didn’t stop those pirates in time! Then we wouldn’t have had to deal with Tarina.”
“Ah, but she would have been able to do it effortlessly and we would never have gotten involved. Then she wouldn’t be attacking us!”
“But then our consciences would never let us live with ourselves, knowing we couldn’t stop this small, but oh so important crime. No, ‘Boot, I did it for all of you and your ability to look at yourselves in the mirror.”
Princess Tarina ripped a blast of hard light at the two of them, this time in a vertical motion that threw them off balance and knocked them back.
“What’d you do, make this woman another conquest?”
“Of course not! I did kiss her though in the middle of her last fight because I knew she’d be mad…”
“Oh,” said Reboot, “so it *is* your fault.”
“SENTIENTS! ENOUGH!” yelled Space Ranger finally. “We are fighting senselessly! We only journeyed down here to help you with this band of vagrant scum!”
“Hey!” yelled the scurvy space pirate leader Space Ranger had stepped on. “I’m offended by that!” “We have no wish to fight you! We only came to help!”
“Ha!” replied Princess Tarina, “I know what kind of ‘help’ you LMBers like to bring. Like when you stopped my people from conquering my hated enemies!”
“Tarina, you hardly would have conquered them, and we were stopping needless bloodshed on a planet that had nothing to do with your three-way war!”
“Psst…not helping Cobie…” said Outdoor Miner
“Your majesty, please” said Actor Lad, “this has all been a misunderstanding. We hold no ill will, and there is no need for either side to sustain any injuries or worse…” Actor Lad looked up and noticed the lead guard (who he had punched in the teeth before) looking at him. He suppressed giving him a wink.
“Tarina, they are right!” said a voice, as suddenly another woman came into view, this time a taller one with lighter skin and auburn hair. “There is no need for any of this. In fact…” she walked over to her and began whispering something in Tarina’s ear.
“Wow, whose that?” whispered Cobalt to Kid Vudoo, “are you thinking what I’m thinking? This could be good…”
“Um…yeah, Cobie, sure…” relied Vu.
“Enough,” said Tarina finally and this time very calmly. “Livia is right of course. There is no need for blood shed.”
“Livia is right?” whispered Space Ranger, “I said that first…”
Tarina continued. “In fact, to make up for this insult, and the previous insult, I think one small sacrifice from you LMBers can help me with urgent problems at home.”
“If you need our help to stop a problem at home, I think we can probably—“ began Kid Vudoo, before Princess Tarina interrupted him.
“Thank you, LMBer! I see you agree. Very well, I demand that one of your number take my hand in marriage and become my royal consort and prince of … by my side!”
“What in the name of Stoopid Cat’s neutered member is she talking about now?” thought Space Ranger.
“Not only that, but I choose…”
“Great, get ready Cobie, here it comes. Like we didn’t see this coming,” said Outdoor Miner, “you better wrap it this time too, because—“
“…I choose…Reboot!” finished the Princess.
“—because—Holy Shit. I didn’t see that one coming.”
--------- * Journeys and Destinies
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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“I see you all find this mildly amusing,” said Reboot, “and I hope you realize I’m only going along with this because we need to learn why she wants us on her planet so bad. It’s obviously a trap of some sort, although I don’t know why she’d want to risk fighting the whole LMB…maybe a few here and there, but were too damn powerful for anyone to think it’d be a smart move…”
“Pre-wedding jitters, ‘Boot? No worries, I had ‘em too! You old dog, you? Gettin’ hitched at your age? It seems like its too soon, but when the love-bug bites, it bites, you know—“
“Put the gun down, Reboot!” yelled Outdoor Miner, as silence followed. “So we get to through a bachelor party, right?” he added.
“Can I be in the wedding?” asked Kid Vudoo.
“Hey, I’m the best man!” said Actor Lad. “I mean, obviously I am…right?” he added, looking at Reboot.
“Perhaps you guys didn’t understand it. I’m NOT getting married. We have a mission here. I have never met this woman in my life until an hour ago, when she tried to separate my body into tiny parts. I am NOT getting married.”
“I know one part she didn’t want to hurt…” added Cobalt Kid.
“Why couldn’t I be on the squad with Umber and Koko? At least they understood primitive forms of communication…” replied Reboot, looking to the sky.
“Have no fear, Sentient. I have no regrets about marrying either of my wives and always look forward to seeing them again. Both are Carrggite you know, and it’s always a pleasure to go home and visit them…”
“See, even Space Ranger believes in true romance!” added Cobalt Kid
“Six wives? Yup, that’s about right for true romance around here…” said Outdoor Miner, cracking up three fresh beers.
The door suddenly began to open.
“ALL RISE!!!” a guard yelled, “THE PRINCESS IS APPROACHING THIS SECTION OF THE ROYAL SPACE CRUISER!!!”
They waited. “Um…can we talk?” asked Actor Lad.
“PLEASE NO TALKING WHILE THE PRINCESS APPROACHES”
“Guess not…” added Kid Vudoo.
“I REPEAT! PLEASE NO TALKING!”
Silence. “Aaaachooo!” yelled Space Ranger, sneezing.
Silence. “Bless you,” said Cobalt Kid
Silence. “Thank you,” replied Space Ranger.
Silence. The guard looked at them.
“Your welcome,” replied Cobalt.
“PLEASE NO TALKING!”
Finally, Princess Tarina entered that part of the cruiser, followed by the other woman, Livia. Tarina, when not trying to kill her enemies in combat, was both elegant and beautiful. Cobalt was the only one of the group who had ever had any real contact with her, and he recognized right away that she was as strong-willed as any that he’d ever met. She was also a bit blinded by her undying love of her planet, which explained why she saw the ongoing three way war with her two race-enemies as the most important thing in her life. The minor fact that Cobalt’s home planet Ggrrgg was one of those other planets in the long three way war explained why she had such a burning hatred for him, even though he had forsaken his home planet long ago.
“…” She stopped short in as she entered the room. “Guards. Leave us,” she began. One looked like he was prepared to protest, but she shot him a look that stopped him cold in his tracks. They left. “Greetings LMBers. I would like to apologize for my reaction before. I am often head-strong and have a temper I cannot control, and seeing Cobalt Kid again reminded me of a battle that I thought our armies should have won but did not.”
“Way to almost cock-block ‘Boot, Cobie,” whispered Outdoor Miner.
“But I have more pressing matters. At home, my people are on the verge of a bloody revolt. I have reason to believe that our hated enemies, the Mind-Flayers have infiltrated our culture and have used their telepathy to push for this revolt. Rumors have begun that if I do not return home with a husband hand in hand, and thus a future for the royal family of my planet, that a planet-wide revolt would occur.”
“Wait a minute,” said Reboot. “The people demand you marry and start working on an heir, but then threaten to kill you if you don’t? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?”
“Like she said,” said Livia suddenly and crudely, “telepathic urges form our enemies are pushing for this.”
“Hey!” said Kid Vudoo, “that’s your future king right there!”
Livia stared at him. Silence followed.
“I refused to return home for sometime, waiting to see if I could find one to share my life with. I realize that the search is futile. I need to come home immediately, to continue our plans for war. Thus, I need a husband. Of course, I need him to be impressive to the general public of my planet…and Reboot would be the perfect choice.”
“Ah…” the LMB said nodding, to which Cobie added, not nodding, “Reboot would be the perfect choice?”
“Our planet loves and admires technical advancement and considers it the skill we are most proud of,” said Livia, this time in a more calm voice.
Reboot turned to give Cobalt a little smirk.
Cobalt gave him a sarcastic nod back. “Well, Reboot is your man then! When is the wedding?! Let’s get right to it!” he added, suddenly enthusiastic.
“Will it ever end?” said Outdoor Miner to himself.
“Reboot, have you given this much thought?” said Princess Tarina, suddenly acting more soft and allowing the cold act to subside for a minute. “I…I know you haven’t had much time…”
“Well, let me get this strait. You want me to marry you as soon as possible so you can get back to planning more wars with your two enemy planets, where more innocent people will be sent to their deaths by the royal elites of those said three planets?”
“…I see,” replied Princess Tarina.
Silence encompassed the room.
“Well, then if you refuse I will execute those pirates you captured that are aboard this ship, all of the prisoners on my home world and all of the prisoners of war on my various military bases in the universe.”
“Um, Tarina, if I might interrupt,” said Cobalt suddenly, to which Livia shot him a look of pure death. “I happen to know Reboot, and let’s just say that the, um, threatening to execute mass prisoners as a way to win his affection…well…it’s just not the kind of thing he’s into. He likes Care Bears though.”
Tarina looked at Reboot. “Well?”
“He’s right. Well, except about the Care Bear thing…”
“Well, I’m not kidding. And I think I’ll prepare my armies to march on Legion World tomorrow as well. You think I’m a fool for threatening it? I know the power you have there…but I also know the sadness you’ll all feel knowing you could have prevented lives from being wasted so easily if such a war were to occur. Think on that.”
Angrily, the two women left the room.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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The citizens of Kareesia gathered around the royal palace’s courtyards, trying to catch a view of the ceremony about to begin. Everything looked immaculate, although entirely too technical for those with Terran-related sensibilities. Still, the people were in their most regal clothing and the royal family had come from all over, looking to see if at long last there would be hope for a new generation, since too many of the youngest generation had been killed in this long three way war.
“They sure didn’t waste anytime,” said Kid Vudoo, looking around. It had been fifteen hours. Reboot laughed at Tarina when she left of course, finding it extremely amusing to think she could threaten him into marrying her. As they pondered if the easiest way to get out of this was to have Space Ranger turn the space cruiser into a roller coaster, Cobalt Kid suddenly called the group into a huddle.
“We need to go planet-side. You have to go through with this, ‘Boot.”
“What, are you crazy? Wait, of course you are. I know that. But you’re even crazier to think that I’d go through with it. You’re finding this highly amusing I bet.”
“Well…yeah, but it’s not just that. I’ve...got a plan. But you’re going to need to trust me,” added Cobalt, looking strait at Reboot.
That was fifteen hours or so hours ago and they were planet-side now. Kid Vudoo, Outdoor Miner and Space Ranger had already walked down the isle and were standing on the sides of the altar. There had been almost zero time to prepare for the wedding…it was beyond strange. They knew what the rush was of course, but a few days notice should not have been an issue at all—after all, the people only had to know that the wedding was to occur for the anxiety to abate. There was no reason to move along so speedily at this point, unless Tarina was really as kill-crazy and obsessed as to go want to get back to the war. To hear Cobalt tell it, all three races in the war were, but he was blatantly being hyperbolic in this description, since he obviously had not the slightest care about it. In fact, Tarina seemed to show signs of wishing she could leave the war behind at times…
Actor Lad now began to make his way down the aisle and with the woman Livia arm in arm. She sure seemed like a cold one. Although she tried to pretend to hide it, she was as mean as they came. For her to be the maid of honor obviously meant that she had a large degree of power within the royal court. Actor Lad was Reboot’s best man, which seemed naturally enough. He seemed to really be enjoying this though…the audience probably thought it was because of a love for the spotlight for some reason.
What wasn’t natural was that Cobalt Kid was not allowed to attend the ceremony. Being Ggrrggian, he was not allowed to step foot on Kareesian soil without accepting the role as a prisoner of war, and he refused to do so. So until things were over, he had to wait in the ship.
At last, Reboot made his way down the aisle. He looked somber, but not as somber as one might expect. Of course, knowing full well the plan that they had, Vu realized why. He even thought it was going a little too far when Reboot turned and waved to the crowd, and then picked up a little child on the way in and kissed it’s cheek. Yeah…definitely too far.
Soon, the trumpets began, and Princess Tarina made her way down the aisle. She had no one to give her away, her father long dead and her uncles too distant from her to receive such an honor. Vu thought it was sad in a way, not having anyone to do that for her. She stood proud and strong, although up close he could see that she was utterly exhausted. She must have been on the move strait on through the night and day.
Finally, she reached Reboot. She extended her hand, and he took it.
The minister began, and what he said was a shock:
“People of Kareesia as you bear witness, the act has been done. By taking Princess Tarina’s hand on this altar, as is the custom of our people, Reboot of Legion World had lawfully wed our majesty! Let the rest of the ceremony commence…”
“Um…maybe we should have checked the local customs first?” said Outdoor Miner, realizing that the two newlyweds on stage really did just get married.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Suddenly, Actor Lad burst out laughing at the top of his lungs. “Married?! Just by touching hands?”
Livia turned to him, and prepared to slap him right across the face! Suddenly, she held back for some reason. “How dare you?!! How dare you insult her majesty on her wedding day?! If you do not know the customs, then that is your own fault!”
Actor Lad looked up, and the smile returned, although he seemed to be wondering something.
“Oh Boy…” said Outdoor Miner
“Sentient, maybe we should…”
“I take it then, that it is the custom to blackmail the groom into marrying the bride?”
A hush fell over the crowd.
“You bastard…” whispered Tarina. “Reboot is my husband now!”
“Well, um, actually, no, I’m not,” added Reboot. “Well, he’s not, that is.” Suddenly Reboot ripped of his super-mask, to reveal he was not Reboot at all, but Actor Lad! “You see, it’s all in the super-acting!” he smiled!
“What in the world--?!!” began Tarina, “How dare you! You—then who is this?!” she said pointing at the other Actor Lad, who had been slapped by Livia. “No…of course…”
The fake Actor Lad spoke up. “Kid Vudoo here has the power to see things with his eyes that most normal people cannot. In fact, he can see things that really have no physical form, like telepathic emissions for instance. And you know what he didn’t see here on the home planet? Telepathic emissions. There are none. There are no Mind-Flayers influencing your population.”
“What in the world are you talking about, you pig,” said Tarina, fully aware who this was. “And where is Reboot?”
“Reboot is freeing those pirate prisoners, thank you very much. And he’s commandeering your royal ship to make sure they have enough food on their tables I’ll bet.” The fake Actor Lad, continued, pulling off his mask, revealing Cobalt Kid underneath. “The rush to have this wedding, all a waste. Space Ranger flew around all morning at super-speed, listening to any rumors going around. Nothing about revolts or public outcries or anything really…everyone here is happy with the war-mongering royal family. In fact, there was no need to get you home at all. Why then, did someone trick you into coming all the way home and make you think it was so urgent? Who in the world had that kind of influence and power over you, to make you actually think you were needed at home, without you ever giving it a second thought to double-check and make sure your trust in that person was validated?”
Finally, he turned to Livia. “Who indeed?”
“Livia?” asked Tarina.
Livia looked at them all, taking it all in. Finally she smiled. “Tarina, who do you trust? Them…or me?”
Tarina looked like she was hit by a train. “Livia…Livia…not you…” she looked like this might be the final straw for her.
Livia turned to Cobalt. “I was going to slap you before. Do you know why I did not?”
“I noticed that. Not that I’ve ever been slapped by a woman before or anything…”
“Here’s why.” Within micro-seconds, she was on him, at super-speed. He fell back, she went for Tarina. Space Ranger reacted immediately, but it wasn’t enough, she caught them all by surprise. She was a Daxamite.
She hurled some sort of bomb device at Tarina and it exploded on her, letting loose a cascade of energy and light. Tarina fell to the ground, all at once becoming helpless. Outdoor Miner quickly teleported to her side.
Space Ranger battled Livia blow for blow. Livia, smiled and pushed him back. Quickly, she pulled a blaster out of her belt and fired it into the air. Purple fireworks shot up across the sky. “For the Black Sun! All for the Black Sun!” She screamed.
Outdoor Miner yelled, “Help! I need some help here! Actor, Vu, get Reboot on the omni-com ASAP, we need him! I don’t know what this device is…”
She looked up at them. “H-help m-me…” and then suddenly, she turned into solid light and beamed high into the atmosphere out of sight. She was gone.
Space Ranger and Cobalt Kid flew at Livia at full speed, as the Daxamite female flew away into the sky. “Sentient, do not think we will allow you to get away!” he yelled…but it was too late. She was far gone, zipping away ahead of them. Cobalt Kid’s magnetism offered no help and there was no way Outdoor Miner could teleport near them if he tried. Space Ranger had the only shot and she had too much of a head start.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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The Six Super-Heroes gathered back around, fully aware of a hostile population that was very unhappy with them—and in fact, were placing the full blame on them.
“So a Daxamite warrior infiltrates Tarina’s royal guard, or more accurately, was already a member before being convinced to betray her, so she could get her back planet-side to capture her for some alterior motive?” said Kid Vudoo
“Apparently,” added Outdoor Miner, “and we have no idea what ‘the Black Sun’ is…a person, a group, a who knows?” “Let’s face it, fellas,” said Actor, “this mission has kinda turned into a bust.”
“It gets worse,” said Reboot joining them. “Check the monitors of the ship that I’ve commandeered. There is some crazy happenings all over the galaxy it appears…”
END CHAPTER TWO
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Ratmage looked up suddenly, aware that something in the room had changed in the last ten seconds.
"What is it, lover?" asked his lady (and SMB leader), Seahorse, who was annoyed at the sudden interuption to their kissing session.
They were both on monitor duty at the Satellite HQ of the SMB, which rotated around Earth. Or rather, Earth-4, as this was a multiple Earth that existed on a different vibrating frequency than Earth-1, which the LMB lived on.
"Hm..." said Ratmage aloud. "I'm not sure...it's not any of the monitors that SMBers are being monitored on. See--Portfolio Girl, Stupendous Mountain Lion, Eryk Davis Ester and Salad Tosser Lad, the members on missions currently, are all present and accounted for."
"No," said Seahorse, "I see what it is. It's our crystal ball that contacts the LMB of Earth-1, whom we met last year during that crisis involving the Legion of SMB Super-Villains and the return of Ekron himself!*"
"How could I forget?" said Ratmage, remembering that mission. But the crystal ball appears to be deactivated, so we can't contact our allies on Earth-1 anymore. Why in the world would they turn that off?"
"The only thing I can think of," said the plucky female leader of the SMB, "is that someone or something else did it. And with Faraway Lad away right now, there's nothing we can do about it."
"That's right", said Ratmage, remembering that only the Faraway Lad's of the various Earths could travel through to alternate realities. And the Crystal Ball was the only other way possible.
"Let's just hope our buddies are OK then. For someone to break into LMB HQ and start messing with their most important equipment, there may be a terrible crisis brewing there..."
Ominously, the two remained more wary for the rest of the night...
END INTERLUDE
------- * Crisis on Earth-4!
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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), and I’d like it to be able to read separate too. So, to stop myself from having too many threads in Bits, I’ll only post one thread every few days, and try to do each one in its entirety (this will give me some time to get ahead too—I only have the first three written).
