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Okay, I've got two things to point out first!
1. This is a spoof of Transformers the Movie. Like, hardcore every line & action is verbatim save for whatever humor I throw in. But the large cast of characters & places of the LMB lends itself well to an adaptation and there's a really fun story in there for anyone who hasn't seen it...which would likely be everyone. So, apologies for being unoriginal. Hopefully it'll be fun though!
2. This story is based in an alternate reality splitting off from the Alt-ID revolt of Year Five. I have nothing against Alt IDs, but to make this story happen I had to have a good guy side and a bad guy side. So, the LMB are the good guys and the Alt IDs are the bad guys in the sense that they succeeded in their revolt and are now the inhabitants of Legion World...much to our chagrin!
Now, hopefully everyone will sit back and enjoy the show. I'll go pop popcorn!
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It is the year 2005. The Alt-IDs have thoroughly revolted and conquered the Legion of Message Board-Posters home planet of Legion World! But, on secret staging grounds on two of the LMB's Outposts, the LMBP posters plan to retake their home world!
The Alt ID known as KOKO the monkey slinks through the vents of one of the LMB Outposts, nosing around. It stumbles to an open shaft displaying the large Mission Monitor Board room below. The monkey lets out a silent "Koko!" to itself as it watches the proceedings below. COBALT KID is stationed at the head of the room, current leader of the LMB and Security Chief for life since Legion World‘s takeover. Before him at the giant monitor is LARD LAD, recently returned LMBer and now 2nd in Command of Security for Cobie!
COBALT KID: Lard Lad, report security status!
LARD LAD (monitor flipping through surveillance pictures of Alt IDs on Legion World): Every time I look at a monitor, Cobie, my blood pressure sizzles! When are we going to bust some Alt-IDs?
Cobie flips around in his chair, having quite enough of watching fake posters trundle across their beloved Legion World. KP raises a hand to calm Cobalt down, aware of his stress and realizing the officer needs other things to do.
COBALT KID: I want you to make a special run to the LMB station on the Jolly Roger message board...
LARD LAD: But, Cobalt Kid...!
Cobalt Kid (interrupts): Listen, Lardy, we don't have enough beer to rally the troops and form a full-scale assault! Now, ready a shuttle for launch!
LARD LAD (to himself): I almost forgot. Well then, your days are numbered now, Alternate Identities!
Lard Lad swivels his chair away from the monitor and darts toward the exit. Outside in the halls, he quickly hangs a loop to a giant walkway that plummets downward, toward the launch pad at the end of the LMB Outpost. Back inside at his station, Cobalt Kid flips a switch and the monitor screen settles on the visage of ARACHNE.
COBALT KID: Arachne, report your security status!
ARACHNE (over monitor): No sign of Alt-IDs here, Cobalt Kid!
COBALT KID: What about LMB Outpost 2?
We now move from the MMB to the security hub of the LMB Outpost, where Arachne is standing over a small monitor with KP's image on it. Behind her, SHARK LAD is furiously chomping down broken circuit boards. Arachne moves to another monitor, turning it on and radioing their sister outpost.
ARACHNE: Arachne to LMB Outpost 2! Repeat, Arachne to LMB Outpost 2...
Within the security hub of the second outpost, INVISIBLE BRAINIAC and HIGHPRIESTESSVIVIANE are lollygagging around. At the first sound of a beep from Arachne's incoming call, they both jump to their feet and approach the duel monitor screen. IB presses a switch and the image of Arachne appears on the right side.
INVISIBLE BRAINIAC: IB & Viv here!
ARACHNE (over monitor): We're about to send out a shuttle! Any Alt ID shenanigans in your area?
INVISIBLE BRAINIAC: All clear, Arachne!
While they converse, Viviane turns to the second monitor on the left and flips it on, connecting with this shuttle! Lard Lad, already boarded and strapped in at the helm of his shuttle, appears on her screen.
HIGHPRIESTESSVIVIANE: Lard Lad, dear! Please tell my beau Future that I miss him! And tell him not worry, I’ll be coming home as soon as we kick that nasty Space Ranger’s arse across the Internet!
LARD LAD (over monitor & giving a thumbs-up): Will do, Viv!
Back at the Security Hub of the first LMB Outpost, Cobalt Kid has joined up with Arachne and Sharky.
COBALT KID: Shark Lad, commence countdown!
SHARK LAD: 5, 4, 3...
COBALT KID: ….
ARACHNE: 2?
SHARK LAD: Ah, yes! 2, 1... BLAST-OFF!
With the countdown, the shuttle vertically resting on the Outpost’s launch pad springs to life. Rockets ignite and smoke pours through the area as the shuttle takes flight over the Security monitor, taking Lard Lad and a small group of LMBers toward the Jolly Roger Message Board!
COBALT KID: Now, all we need is a little beer…and a lot of luck!
Within the vents, Koko had followed Cobalt Kid upstairs and has seen everything. Tail flapping and the chimp jumping up and down from excitement, it quickly scrambles through the system back through the exit it slipped into. Once there, a small craft is waiting to take the Alt ID monkey back toward Legion World & its Alt-ID master: Space Ranger!
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On Legion World, Koko’s cruiser skims over the remains of SHAKES before nestling atop the roof of the tower formerly known as the Governmental Building. Inside the main chamber between the Sanity & Madness wings, SPACE RANGER & a host of other Alt-IDs are waiting.
UMBER (watching Koko arrive through a window): Koko has returned, Space Ranger! *titter of announcement*
Space Ranger turns from the computers he is monitoring, as Koko bounds in. The monkey leaps across several objects before resting on Ranger’s outstretched arm.
SPACE RANGER: Welcome, Koko! Unlike some of my other followers…(quickly glares at THORA OF TALTAR)…you never fail me!
THORA: Bah!
Space Ranger looks away from the Taltarian ambassador, moving his arm so that Koko will bound off it toward his owners.
SPACE RANGER: Lori Mornings! Tell me of Koko’s findings!
LORI MORNING #1: As you command, Ranger!
The two Loris quickly begin to converse with Koko the Monkey, who jumps up and down yelling the same thing over and over again.
KOKO: Koko! Koko!
The two annoying Alt ID girls seem to understand what the monkey is saying!
LORI MORNING #2: Wow, that’s fascinating.
SPACE RANGER: What? What has he uncovered?
LORI MORNING #1 (holding an object up): He made you a tape, actually! Can I play it?
SPACE RANGER: No, I want you to throw it out a window.
LORI MORNING #1 (shrugs, tossing tape out a window): Okay!
SPACE RANGER: … that was sarcasm, you git.
LORI MORNING #2: Oh! Well, he made a second tape too, just in case!
SPACE RANGER: Damn, Koko. Go ahead and play it back, girls.
The two Loris do as told, and soon the main monitor flashes to life and replays events we’ve previously seen that Koko had recorded on an as of yet undisclosed device! Space Ranger, Thora, and the others present intently listen as Cobalt Kid stresses the shortage of beer to Lard Lad. The Alt ID leader particularly delights when he hears where the shuttle is going and watches it take off.
COBALT KID (on tape): Now, all we need is a little beer…and a lot of luck!
SPACE RANGER (cackling): More than you imagine, Cobalt Kid!
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Scant time passes, and we shift over to the endless space of the Internet. Lard Lad’s shuttle is en route to the Jolly Roger still. CRUSADER, brother to Princess Crujectra, is at the helm of the vessel with him. Suddenly, the entire craft begins to shake violently. The two LMBers look to each other until an explosion in the middle of the craft catches their attention. Debris and leftover wiring in the blown hole of the ship is suddenly knocked away as Space Ranger & Thora lead an army of Alt-IDs into the ship. LMB Cadet Bad-Shoulders Boy jumps from his seat, ready for his first official fight.
BAD-SHOULDERS BOY: Space Ranger! ALT-IDS!
SPACE RANGER: Die, LMBers!
Space Ranger fires his heat vision (Hey! He’s got a M’On avatar! I’ll make assumptions ) into the shoulder of BSB, an explosion of blood knocking him backward and face-down onto the ground. Damn those bad shoulders of his!
The LMBers freeze in their seats with a comrade wounded and an army of foes behind them. Nobility gets the best of Crusader though, as he suddenly flips his seat around and charges toward the Alt-IDs. LUCIFER LASS witnesses his heroic approach and waves her hand, a queen-sized bed appearing over the LMBer and crushing him into the ground of the ship.
CRUSADER: I…never even…got to break…100 posts!
Lard Lad and Tsarin Kid exchange glances. This was it…now or never to face their suppressors. With Crusader down, possibly dead, they both stand from their seats! Lard Lad begins firing blasts of lard into his enemies as Tsarin Kid is initially caught by a heat vision blast.
TSARIN KID: Ah! Oh well, I’ll just come back as MYSTERY LAD anyway…uh, I mean…ow!
They are met with little success. HRUN the BARBARIAN sends his axe flying toward the two as other Alts fired weapons or powers into the remaining heroes. Caught from all sides from blasts and explosions, the two LMBers are battered and fall lifelessly to the ground.
Space Ranger smiles at the proceedings, as the Alt IDs walk over the bodies of the four LMBers to claim their seats at the helm of the station.
SPACE RANGER: This was almost too easy, Thora.
THORA: Much easier, you miserable cretin, than attacking the real threat…the LMB Outpost!
SPACE RANGER: You’re an idiot, Thora…
THORA: Bah!
SPACE RANGER: As we…
THORA: Bah!
SPACE RANGER: Ahem! As we slip…
THORA: I said, “BAH!”
SPACE RANGER: …
THORA: …
SPACE RANGER: Anyway, as we slip through their registration systems in their own shuttle and destroy the Jolly Rogers board, the Legion of Message Board Posters will be vanquished forever!
There’s a small moan as the bleeding, injured form of Lard Lad crawls over to Space Ranger, grabbing his leg.
LARD LAD: …no…
SPACE RANGER (glaring downward): Such scripted nonsense!
Space Ranger fires his heat vision downward and off-screen toward Lard Lad, causing a massive explosion at the feet of the Alt ID which could only mean the demise of one of the LMB’s trusted founders!
With a small shake from that blast, the shuttle veers onward toward the message board, the LMB unaware of what they’re about to welcome with open arms.
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At the Jolly Roger message board, rests a small city the exiled Legion Worlders have constructed. At the outskirts of the city elsewhere at the board are KID PRIME and FUTURE, enjoying the shallow lakes around the pirate-like facility. Kid Prime is dangling his feet in the water as Future depressingly holds a fishing rod in his hand. It’s a glorious day at the message board, so…
KID PRIME: Fish are really jumping today, huh Future?
FUTURE (depressed): I guess so.
KID PRIME: Hey, what’s the matter?
FUTURE: I’ve already foreseen that I’m not going to catch anything. I just now realized I’m wasting my time here.
KID PRIME: Oh. Well, yes, that kind of sucks. We can always go do something else. Help set up the city…spread the LMB good word to other message boards…bake a cake…
FUTURE: I was thinking of just kicking back with a beer like a lazy bum and watching the shuttle land!
KID PRIME: Talk about dull, Future.
FUTURE: Do you *really* want to do any of that other stuff?
KID PRIME: …good point, let’s go!
The two LMBers quickly stand from the lake and run elsewhere, back toward the city. Using their walking rings combined with Future‘s time-slipping powers, they stride through the area at high speeds!
Near the city’s edge, OUTDOOR MINER is having several LMB Cadets help him hang a sign at the entrance to the new LMB facility. Naturally, Miner is kicking back with three beers in a lawn chair and letting the newbies do all the work.
OUTDOOR MINER: A little to the left. Eh, now…a little bit more…
In a burst of chronal energy, Future & Kid Prime suddenly speed by. They go with so much force that they smash through the sign and proceed steadily past up the mountain without being aware of what’s going on. Outdoor Miner stares blankly at the ruins of the sign as the LMB Cadets look about nervously.
OUTDOOR MINER: …you know, that’s the perfect spot for it! Good job, kids.
The LMB Cadets all let out a sigh of relief and pat each other on the back.
OUTDOOR MINER: Now, come help me search for leftover landmines! Expendable Kid can lead the way.
The Cadets look panicked.
Up the hill, Future & Kid Prime have reached the peak of a mountain overlooking the city. From here, one can see all over the message board & has a clear view of the sky thanks to a pair of binoculars some odd-ball vacationer must have left! The shuttle from the LMB Outpost can be seen on the horizon, making its descent toward the former Legion Worlders’s base.
FUTURE: You want to know the craziest thing?
KID PRIME: What’s that?
FUTURE (puts binoculars to his eyes): I foresee you firing your rifle at the ship in five seconds.
KID PRIME (rolls eyes): Yeah right!
FUTURE (handing over binoculars): Then you may want to see the hole in the shuttle for yourself!
KID PRIME: What?
Kippers quickly takes the binoculars, examining the damage at the side of the shuttle from where the Alt IDs entered. It doesn’t make any sense until he witnesses Thora of Taltar through the hole of the shuttle, flogging bIZARRO nO. 1
KID PRIME: Alt IDs!
He whips out his rifle and begins to fire at the shuttle.
FUTURE (sighs): Forecast the weather wrong once and suddenly NO ONE believes you anymore…
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Back at the entrance to the new LMB city, Outdoor Miner and the cadets take notice of the laser fire.
OUTDOOR MINER: Great. Why does no one ever tell me when we introduce new ‘welcoming’ customs? Now I have to go buy a gun!
Surprisingly, Kid Prime’s rifle blasts seem to be rattling the shuttle…already worn from cabin depressurization. Return fire is given from the few defense turrets on the ship, but eventually one critical blow to the shuttle’s fuel tank causes the end of the craft to explode. Alt-IDs begin to pour out of the doors of the ship, flying down from the shuttle toward the mountain.
KID PRIME: They fly?
FUTURE: They stole and upgraded our walking ring tech, I’m guessing.
KID PRIME: Well, they HAVE had five years to do so while we waited for ours to get delivered….
Above, Space Ranger gives out a few simple commands.
SPACE RANGER: Attack!
He fires a blast of heat vision at the two LMBers, striking the back of the platform they’re on. A few well-placed follow-up blasts wreck the top of the mountain, causing it to crumble. Future and Kid Prime quickly leap from the mountain hill, landing and rolling on a pathway several meters below.
Seeing the plight of the two LMBers, the Alt-ID known as MEKT RANZZ lands and charges electricity up for a blast.
MEKT: Come on down, Message Boarders!
Future and Kid Prime both get to their feet and step back as they notice Mekt aiming his lightning toward them! Suddenly, Outdoor Miner teleports in, grabbing Mekt’s hand. The two struggle for a moment before Ranzz accidentally fires off the lightning, shooting down SIR PRIZE from above! The led-clad, heavy Alt-ID falls to the ground, bouncing down the hill before smashing into Mekt Ranzz! Outdoor Miner hops to the side as the two go crashing down-hill together, defeated. Future and Kid Prime skid down the hill toward their comrade.
KID PRIME: Not bad, former fearless deputy leader.
OUTDOOR MINER: Former leader, huh? That’s something you’ll never be if we don’t get back to the city!
Thora of Taltar suddenly flies by overhead, equipped with a ray-gun.
FUTURE: Save it, Miner!
The three duck out of the way as Thora’s blasts plow through them. They quickly reassemble themselves before she can make another pass.
KID PRIME: Future, let’s go!
Expanding his field so that all three slip into accelerated time, the LMBers quickly rush back toward the city, where small explosions and lights mean that the Jolly Roger board is already under attack!
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ERYK DAVIS ESTER is inside the courtyard of the LMB city, trying on new shin guards he’s bought in preparation for monitor duty tonight with LEAP YEAR LASS. He looks up to the sky and notices the collection of figures flying toward the city. Perplexed as the first few blasts of super-powers and weapon shots come through, EDE throws the shin guards to the side and rushes toward the main government building. Already, PRINCESS CRUJECTRA is leading a group of LMBers consisting of SONNIE BLOKE, MRS C.B. HILL, and SEMI-TRANSPARENT FELLOW out into the fray.
EDE: Cru! Jeepers!
CRUJECTRA: In other words, Eryk dear?
SONNIE BLOKE (watching an incoming Ranger): We’re outnumbered!
The assembled group scatters and ducks toward the ground as Space Ranger’s blasts drive through. Princess Crujectra is the first to get to her feet and quickly assembles a plan.
CRUJECTRA: Sonnie! You and Mrs. C.B. Hill activate the city defenses. Eryk? Have MLLASH radio Cobie for reinforcements! Semi?
SEMI-TRANSPARENT FELLOW: Ma’am?
CRUJECTRA: The boys are going to need drinks if they’re going to get roused to fight!
SEMI: Got’cha!
As the owner of the SHAKES bar runs off, MISS TERIOUS joins the group.
MISS T: What about me, Princess? I can help!
CRU: Misty, you can help me alert the others and look fabulous at the same time!
MISS T: Sounds complicated! I’ll do my best.
With that, the group of LMBers break and rush off to do their jobs. As Sonnie Bloke begins to rush off on his assignment, he notices Mrs. Hill is holding back!
SONNIE: C’mon, B, let’s go!
Mrs. Hill quickly whips out her Umbra 3000 binocular shades and looks toward the mountain.
MRS. HILL: But Kid Prime and Miner are still outside the city!
Sonnie grabs her arm, forcing her to take attention and put the sunglasses away.
SONNIE: This can’t wait. They’ll have to take care of themselves, come on!
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![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
) into the shoulder of BSB, an explosion of blood knocking him backward and face-down onto the ground. Damn those bad shoulders of his!
