posted
The Ongoing Tag thread is one of my all time favorite threads, and always will be. There is SO many funny jokes and funny moments, that anyone can pick any page out of it (and there about 30) for a good laugh.
However, one of the things that ended it (I think), is that after 30 pages, no one really knew what was going on anymore. Additionally, the main writers in the thread (Numf-El, Abin Quank/Space Ranger, IB and myself), had begun writing our own seperate arcs. While each one had it's own flavor and is definately worth a good read, it became almost like five different onevisions interconnecting.
This was a lot of fun, and I'd hate to see it go unread by a lot of people. Since most people won't go back and re-read 30 pages of a thread, I've got an idea. I'm going to break up part of the thread, and present one of *my* stories that ran throughout the middle of it.
My reasoning is this: how many LMBers realize that the Emerald Dildo Fairy's story came to an end? Well, if you didn't read the thread, it did! Basically, *so* much happened in the thread, that I'd hate for people to miss out on it!
So, here is my story (I encourage the other writers to do the same with their own). It's "The Great Cogaad saga" and includes these things:
The Origin of the Time Mouse Trapper, Kid Prime and the Charge of the Light Brigade, showdown with the Time Mouse Trapper, a super-man type powered giant army of ants, the death of an LMBer and more.
The original posts are entwined with ten other stories and are very confusing, so I'm going to do my best to break them up.
To see what the story was like in the thread, with ten other stories going in and out of it, check out pages 7 through 12 of the Ongoing Tag Thread!
And there is so much more to it than this story...
[ May 28, 2004, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
The Ant crawled out of the bathroom, and continued it's way around Legion World, checking out the various people there. He took a quick detour at Hummer Lass's room, since she was living up to her name, but other than that, the ant moved rather quickly.
Soon, it reached the edge of the city and moved into the forest, where it suddenly grew to about 12 feet wide! Other large ants came out of the woods, as a short skinny guy with bad teeth began talking to them! "Now my friends, we shall strike!" And as he thought of a witty name, he said, "For we are..."
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
"I'd say you were lunch, as in My Lunch. and a fine smorgashboard you will make, too." The figure of Floating Armadillo Boy laughed as he looked down on the horde of giant ants.
However the young LMBPer was in for a rude awakening. The leader of the giant ants sniffed archly (no small feat for a creature without a nose) and sent a request to Eddie Tor, that godlike being who watches over these threads like a half blind, one eyed, sleeping and senile, hawk.
* Eddie Tor's Note's and Stuff *
Geeze, Kan't dese hacks git anyting right? Floating Armadillo Kid retconeded hisself days ago. He changed his moniker ta Floatin' Foxy Creautre Kid or sumpin like dat, see. and everbody nose dat floatin foxy creatures most definitly don't like eatin ants. I gotta fix dis right now, like.
* end Eddie's Nap *
The giant ant army raised a rousing cheer as the LMBPer before them underwent a delayed retcon. Suddenly instead of Floating Armadillo Boy threatening to commence a major 'chow down' on their ranks they were faced with Floating Foxlike Creature Boy, who immediately raced off to see what color Comet Queen was today.
* Ahem *
The chears stopped as the Giant Ant Leader again faced her army.
"So are we agreed that from now on we will be known as the..."
A rumbling sound rising from the back ranks of the group cut off her speach again. She was beginning to think that she should have stayed with their original name of 'Them', except that she knew that it would result in entirely too many, 'Who's on first type gags being written into the thread if she did. You know the type:
Who's attacking us?
Them.
I know that but who are they?
Them. (and so on, ad infinitum or ad tedium)
But, anyway, there was a rumbling noise from the back rank of the Giant Ant Army ranks that caused her...
It's always a her you know, because ants (and sometimes uncles) are led by queens. And queens are almost always female.
So, SHE broke off her planned speech again and peered thru her seriously squinted eyes (again a very impressive feat considering that ants don't have eyelids, I mean have you ever tried to squint without using your eyelids? It's tough to do.) at the back of her Giant Ant Army from San Fransisco to see just who was causing all of the commotion.
And there stood Dusty Baker...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
...who said, "You're new name is The Big Ants and their astonishingly terrible Queen!" Grum, one of the more sophisticated of the giant ants, objected to such an outright dumb name. Having a backround in Russian romance literature circa 1844-1860, he felt as though they needed a stronger and more firm name that revealed a bit of why they were going to attack Legion World. He came up with "The Consortium of Giant Ants Attempting to Achieve Dominance over Humanity." The rest of the ants, who kind of looked up to the old fellow, agreed, and that became their name, or Cogaaad for short. The Queen, whose name was actually Jennifer, preferred to be called "Rapture" because it sounded really cool and no characters had ever really done it justice in her mind.
Anyway, they were about to invade Legion World, when suddenly...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
But the ants knew they were safe, because Vi is only used as set decoration in these stories.
But, Dusty Baker who had come all the way from Chicago because he heard that these San Fransisco GiAnts just couldn't lose was getting just a mite peeeved at the recent turn of events. And if you think that a mite peeved in the middle of a bunch of GiAnts just might be a really, really, bad pun, you're right.
But, be that as it may, Ol' Dusty was just that, a Mite Peeved. And he began to work his way forward in the crowd of GiAnts. Using his trusty Louisville Slugger, and a baseball bat when that didn't work, he pummelled his way to the front of the whatever (what the heck do you call a whole mess of big ants anyway? a herd? a flock? What?) and confronted the queen.
"Now wait jes' a doggone minute here! I came alla way from the Windy City to lead the San Fransisco GiAnts. Not "The Consortium of Giant Ants Attempting to Achieve Dominance over Humanity" or Cogaaad, or whatever. That's the dumbest name for a baseball team I ever heard."
The queen, who's real name was Slammin Sammy Sosa but she'd die before admitting it, looked down at Dusty and uttered the immortal words, "As if."
Then the ants, ignoring Dusty, marched in the direction of LMBP headquarters...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
Baker had enough. Unknowing to the ants, he was an honorary LMBer from back in the day during the untold story of "Dusty Baker and the Hootchie Hut Maelstrom" that the LMBP were involved with back in the day.
He quickly turned his LMBP barrette to let lose a code red! He summoned thirteen LMBers: Abin Quanck, Harbinger, Space Ranger, Numf-El, Shark Lad, Vee, Semi, Cobalt Kid, Fat Cramer, Hummer Lass, Lard Lad, Icefire and Lash Lad! These thirteen LMBers knew what they had to do, which of course was, stopping the Giant Ants.
And of course you know, that these thirteen LMBers were known as "Baker's dozen"
*ooh, that was really bad!*
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
As is the case with all really stupendous undertakings, which this wasn’t but the LMBPers didn’t know that yet, the first thing that the “Baker’s Dozen” chose to do was stop for lunch on the way. Now it may seem like stopping for lunch would be a very minor detail, not worthy of inclusion in a story of this magnitude. I mean Legion World was being invaded by an army of giant ants with a really bad name and we’re recording the details of the LMBP’s decision on where to stop for Lunch?
Does it sound to you like the LMBP was taking the threat lightly? Well they were. But, in all fairness how would you react to the same threat? Me, I’d call the tallest Orkin Man in town and go back to thinking up really nasty things to do to Cobie’s statue. But, that’s just me.
And that is essentially what the LMBPers did. Well, all except for Abin Quank that is. He was on galley duty that day and didn’t feel like cooking. So, he cornered Cobie and got all duty bound on him. It took a few minutes but he convinced the Security Chief that they really should verify that the Orkin Man did his job properly. Personally, I think it was the stop for dinner on the way line that convinced Cobie and I know it was the deciding factor for the rest of the LMBPers. They were already arguing over where to call for take out.
But where do you stop for dinner that could handle such a diverse group? Ah, that was the question.
Harbinger (and Numf-El) had a hankering for Haggis.
Lash wanted to stop at Mistress Paul’s Powerful Pizza Dungeon.
Semi and Vee wanted to have Wildebeest Steaks at the Starfield Room.
Lard Lad wanted Big Belly Burgers in Big Belly Sauce.
Icefire and Shark Lad Insisted on Swordfish steaks at Cap’n Sharky’s Seafood Shish Kabob Hut.
Cobie wanted Black Raspberry ice cream for desert.
Space Ranger wanted somewhere that served authentic foot long Bratwurst Chili and Sauerkraut Specials (By the dozen, with Michelob chasers).
Fat Cramer wanted to try something called Ant Brood Tacos from Jose’s Entomology Emporium.
The less said about Hummer lass’s choice the better, except that she didn’t need to go anywhere for THAT meal.
Abin Quank didn’t care as long as he didn’t have to cook.
They argued for an hour before reaching a single conclusion. The conclusion was that none of them were going to let the Space Ranger get anywhere near authentic foot long Bratwurst Chili and Sauerkraut Specials (By the dozen, with Michelob chasers). They also decided that Hummer Lass could eat anything she wanted, but not inside the restaurant. This caused Lardy to start singing the parking lot song.
Unfortunately, their argument was brought to a conclusion without resolution when the mangled body of Bob the Orkin Man was flung thru the front door…
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
By the Mangler! Fitted with armor drawn from the 1970's and a name and origin to match, the Mangler attacked the LMBP with a vengeance! Unfortunately, he trip over Hummer Lass's outstretched feet and fell to the floor! With a quick slap, he was knocked out cold by Numf-El!
Meanwhile, while the Baker's Dozen were eating lunch, Marvin of the Brood and EDE were holding down the fort, as an army of Giant Ants attacked! The Cogaaad was sent loose on Legion World!
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
At this point, Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat go on their own quest and leave the story. This becomes Space Ranger's story, which features Nightcrawler, Stu and others and the JSMP! I highly recommend it!
For a few pages, Legion World is in chaos, as other things besides the Giant Ants attack it. EDE and Lucifer Lass have a sequence, Numf-El is revealed to be Cobalt Kid's son, as well as Golden Girl's, the Planet Pluto attacks and other things happen.
When it seems that there is too much going on, the Giant Ants come back to the forefront for the rest of the story. That is where I'll pick it up.
*end interlude*
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
*after doing a few other things to the LMB, including stuff with Golden Girl, the Time Mouse Trapper turns back to the Cogaad. Here is where it picks back up*
Originally posted by Cobalt Kid:
Meanwhile, the Time Mouse Trapper watched on, smiling with Delight. His plans were succeeding as planned, and he would have his revenge on the entire LMBP! Golden Girl would do her part, and the time warps were sending LMBPers far away so that there was nothing they could do.
He turned to his army standing before him: the Cogaaad Ants! Under a yellow sun they were powerless on Legion World, but by transporting them away to a world with a red sun, they now had the power of Daxamites and Superman! They could ravage the universe at a moments whim, and that is what he planned for them to do!
"Now my army, we shall ravage and destroy the world! On my signal..."
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
Meanwhile among the super-powerful giant ants, they were enjoying their new found power and were happy with the prospect of enslaving the world!
All except one that is. P'ym H'Enry, an ant that considered himself a scienctist, appeared to be the last of the Cogaaad to have a conscience. With the ability to shrink to the size of a normal man, and to also communicate with men, he adopted a new super-hero guise: Ant-Man! Ant-Man contacted fellow non-human Outdoor Miner whom he had meant in a bar long ago...
...however, Outdoor Miner was still drinking. All this time since page two, and he was hammered. The world's fate appeared to be in the hands of Outdoor Miner as he slammed home another Guiness...
[OM really had been drinking since page two (this was page 10) in an unresolved plot-line] ---------------- And then another mention, posted by Cobalt Kid:
And at SHAKES, Outdoor Miner downed another shot of whiskey, as Ant-Man sent him the information on how to defeat the Cogaaad and the Time Mouse Trapper...
[ May 28, 2004, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
Meanwhile, while Numf-El and Harbinger searched for the Origins of Golden Girl, and Dusty Baker and Rody the Super Rat had their own adventure back in time with the planet Pluto, the LMBP learned in horror that the universe was still under attack!
The Time Mouse Trapper had moved the Cogaaad, the giant consortium of gaint ants from a yellow sun to under a red sun, which suddenly gave them the power of one hundred Daxamites! Further, this increase of power drove them all temporarily mad, allowing the Time Mouse Trapper to use them as his army, to destroy the universe!
While his time disturbances had been countered by Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac, this new plan of the TMT appeared to be the doom of the LMBP...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
*All posts from here on out were posted by Cobalt Kid*
One of the Giant Ants did not succumb to maddness, for he was a brillant scientist, P'ym H'enry, who also weilded great power! For he was a giant ant who was able to shrink down the size of a normal man, and communicate with men too! Naming himself Ant-Man, P'ym had sent a communication to the LMBP to Outdoor Miner, a fellow alien, giving him the secrets of the Time Mouse Trapper so that he could be defeated! Outdoor Miner, however, had been drinking since page two, and was hammered and unable to comprehend what was happening...
Ant-Man knew that things were rough. As an honorary LMBer (in an untold story), he knew that once the LMBP learned of the Time Mouse Trapper's plan they might still not be able to defeat him. Shrinking down to man-size, he secretly travelled to the Villa du science, an istitute that he had built in a remote section of the galaxy. He quickly turned his cannon on, and aimed it at the red sun...
Suddenly, a hoard of the Cogaaad ants burst into his labrotory and swarmed around him! Ant-Man activated the cannon, but the ants proved to much for him! Attacked by his own kind, Ant-Man fell to the ground, mercilessly torn apart. He looked up at the red sun. "By all that's holy in this world, I die here today, but I know that I die a hero..." And with that, the LMBPer known as Ant-Man died...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Outdoor Miner had long since switched to bourbon and could no longer form coherent sentences. Yet, his tolerance was strong enough where his senses picked up a voice in his head that wouldn't shut up. It kept repeating the same coordinates over and over again. He felt like his head was pounding, like he would throw-up...
Suddenly Semi walked over to him, noticing that his friend was ill. "Miner, what is it?!" Vee ran over too, catching him as he fell. "Ant-Man?" said the bug. "Time...mouse...tr-trapper...? what is happening...?" Vee looked at Semi, as the two carried him to a bed. "No!" said the bug suddenly! "It's the Time Mouse Trapper!" "We know," replied Semi, "His time disturbances were just stopped" "No, giant ants, super-strong...we must do something..." ---------------------
Semi and Vee knew what to do immediately, as they turned their LMBP rings to a code red! Crusader, at the LMBP outpost recieved his call via Semi himself, as the Tranparent Fellow told him how his psionic powers may come in handy. Even from the outpost, Crusader was able to reach into Outdoor Miner's mind, and pull out the information. He gasped in horror at the knowledge that the giant ant army was wreaking havoc on the universe.
Vee turned to the monitor to see Cobalt Kid. "Still no word on Eryk Davis Ester or Dusty and Rody. But we have bad news, your alarm was too late. The army has attacked the universe. Crujectra is sending out teams now to counter the attacks. What a way to end her reign."
"No," said Vee. "Not too late. Miner has some information that might be helpful..."
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Princess Crujectra assumed command as she always did, with tenacity and a clear thinking mind. From the LMBP headquarters, she and Doctor One watched on as the LMBPers went out in teams to help stop the ant invasion. She knew that Cobalt and Lash were taking care of assembling the team to use Miner's information, but in the meantime the universe needed to be protected from the super-powerful Cogaaad who were eating and destroying everything in their path.
Lard Lad and Hummer Lass travelled to the planet of the Hootchie Hut to fend off attacks there. Lardy's Lard-force was potent enough to work well there.
Faraway Lad was useful on the front lines, with the ability to send large droves of Ants faraway, presumbly to a place where they wouldn't be under a red sun. With him, he had Arachne and Fat Cramer watching his back.
Dev-Em and Kara, already out in space, helped fend off attacks on their side of the universe, and since both were invulnerable, they'd be a good combo in that they didn't have to worry about the other.
Shark Lad, Greybird Boy and Space Ranger planned to make a trident-like attack through the thickness of the Cogaaad army, attempting to disrupt the unity of their minds, which seemed to be important. Secretly with them was Crusader, who hoped to use his telepathy to stop this unity, and Vee and Semi, who could hide Crusader from the Giant Ants
Emerald Empress and Abin Quank, two big guns, made their own way through the army, fending off attacks on Klorndy.
Everywhere, LMBPers tried to stop the maddness as the Giant Ant army attacked the entire universe. Somewhere, the Time Mouse Trapper was laughing...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
Hyperpath: Email this page to someone!
Printer-friendly view of this topic | Subscribe To Topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Basically, *so* much happened in the thread, that I'd hate for people to miss out on it!
