A simple game. I name a weapon; the next poster names a weapon to defeat my weapon, etc., explaining how my weapon was defeated.
The next poster defeats the previous poster's weapon.
Like Rock, Paper, Scissors, but with an unlimited arsenal. Hijinks ensue.
I'll start with
Rock.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Sledgehammer defeats rock. You know... by breaking it up into little pieces and stuff.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Wood chipper defeats sledgehammer by grinding the handle into, well, woodchips.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
Combine Harvester defeats woodchipper by...uhm...Combine Harvesting?
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Sugar syrup in gas tank of Combine Harvester beats Combine Harvester.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
Fat kid beats sugar syrup
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Angry lesbian gym teacher beats fat kid.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Repressed suburban dominatrix mom of fat kid beats angry lesbian gym teacher.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
unexpected bacon beats repressed suburban dominatrix mom of fat kid
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
The rival kosher and halal inspectors eliminate the unexpected bacon.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrooooooyyyy Jenkins defeats rival Kosher/Halal Inspectors atleast I got chicken Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Scissors cuts Leeroy Jenkins--cuz he's a card.
Posted by Faraway Lad on :
Water beats sissors by making them rust and lock open unable to cut.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Elephant defeats water by slurping it up with its trunk.
Posted by Lance's realm on :
George Orwell defeats elephant - by shooting it.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
Tuberculosis fever induced fictional pigs beat George Orwell by denying him milk and, eventually, turning him into Glue.
[ February 14, 2007, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Joe-Boy Harvestar ]
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Penicilin defeats tuberculosis fever induced fictional pigs.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Pharmacists defeat penicillin by historical overdistribution for non-threatening infections.
Posted by Cobalt Kid on :
A gonorrhea outbreak among teens beats penicilin by rendering it a useless medicine that cannot treat it.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Abstinence beats both gonorrhea and pharmacists (by cutting down condom sales and driving them out of business!).
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Lad Boy beats Abstinence, by just being Lad Boy.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
A boring suburban life beats Lad Boy, because a boring suburban life beats all people as they enter middle age.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Legion World beats a boring suburban life by providing stimulating contact with a wide array of immeasurably intelligent and sexy people from outside the suburbs.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Server crash beats Legion World. Posted by Lad Boy on :
Server crash is easily defeated by immeasurably intelligent and sexy Gary and Scott.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Gary and Scott are beat by a massive power outage across the entire western US.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Massive power outage is beat when power is restored by Aunt Clara from Bewitched remembering the spell she accidentally cast to cause it in the first place.
[ February 14, 2007, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: Rockhopper Lad ]
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Poor ratings defeat Aunt Clara from Bewtitched
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Endless reruns on cable defeats initial poor ratings.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Oops. Double post!
Carry on.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Witches' Anti-Defamation League defeats endless reruns of Bewitched.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
The Spanish Inquisition defeats the Witches' Anti-Defamation League.
Posted by Bicycle Repair Man on :
Slow bus service defeats the Spanish Inquisition by making them late for their entrance in the closing sketch.
Nobody expects the Spanish-- {"The End" appears} Oh, bugger! Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Mussolini defeats slow bus service by getting buses to run on time.
Posted by Bevis on :
Historical accuracy (which shows that Mussolini did nothing to improve the running of the public services) beats Mussolini.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Postmodernism "defeats" such phallocentric notions as "historical accuracy" by persuading the young people that it's all just relative anyway.
[ February 15, 2007, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: Eryk Davis Ester ]
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Conservatives defeat postmodernism by whining that it goes against the traditional family values that they just made up.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Hypocrisy beats conversvatives when they fail to live up to the traditional family values they tout.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Truth, justice and the American way beat hypocrisy.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Wall St. beats truth, justice and the American Way.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
"voodoo economics" beats Wall Street
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Budget deficits beat Voodoo Economics.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Milton Friedman and an unparalleled record of empirical success banishes the label of voodoo economics.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
George W. Bush's incompetence beats Milton Friedman just because that's the only thing in the universe greater than Milton Friedman.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Nothing beats George W. Bush's incompetence.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Something defeats nothing
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Je ne sais quoi beats something.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
A good French-English dictionary beats je ne sais quoi.
Posted by Bevis on :
Illiteracy beats a good French-English dictionary.
Posted by Xben on :
Audio-visual presentations defeats illiteracy
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Broken AV equipment beats AV presentations.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Good oratory skills beat broken AV equipment.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A punch in the face beats good oratory skills.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
A Quaker beats a punch in the face.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Oatmeal makes a mess of the Quaker.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Three Bears boil the oatmeal into porridge and have it for breakfast.
Posted by Caliente on :
Elmer Fudd gets tired of chasing wabbits and goes after the three bears instead.
Posted by Bevis on :
Bugs Bunny in drag defeats Elmer Fudd.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
Alex Forrest beats Bugs Bunny in Drag.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
A loving wife (with a gun) beats Alex Forest.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
Random Zombies beat loving wife (with a gun)
Posted by Bevis on :
Shaun (of the Dead) with a pool cue beats random zombies.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
James Bond beats Shaun of the Dead, pool cue or no.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Low box office receipts beats James Bond.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Harry Potter conquers low box office receipts.
Posted by dedman on :
Underage drinking binge defeats Harry Potter
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
An alert bouncer defeats underage drinking binge.
Posted by Caliente on :
Puff Daddy and his posse beat up the alert bouncer (and half the club with J. Lo in toe).
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Prince & The Revolution destroy Puff Daddy and his posse (in the club, on stage, or anywhere else).
Posted by Bevis on :
Prince falling out with Wendy and Lisa and thus losing all sense of what is genius music and what isn't beats Prince and The Revolution.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Warner Bros. trumps Prince falling out with Wendy and Lisa and thus losing all sense of what is genius music and what isn't.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
The Marx Bros. defeat the Warner Bros. by pointing out that they were Bros. first.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Sen Joseph McCarthy defeats the Marx Brothers (darn commies )
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Edward R. Murrow makes Senator Joseph McCarthy look like a dithering idiot on national television.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Big Tobacco takes out Edward R.Murrow.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Lawyers take down Big Tobacco
Posted by Vee on :
Legal malpractice or disbarrment cases silence lawyers
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Judges throw out legal malpractice and disbarment cases.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
Old age creeps up on the judges.
Posted by Vee on :
Rowdy youngsters drive old agers bonkers
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Pucini operas blaring over the PA system prevents rowdy youngsters from loitering.
Posted by dedman on :
OZZFEST concert drowns out operas.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
high ticket prices trounce OZZFEST.
Posted by dedman on :
Rich parents buy up high priced tickets
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Divorce Lawyers impoverish rich parents.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
ravenous sharks... um, never mind (damn professional curtesy)
execution squads take care of divorce lawyers.
Posted by dedman on :
PLague from dead bodies kills execution squads
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Antibiotics defeat plague.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Sky rocketing health care costs render antibiotics unaffordable.
Posted by Vee on :
Free clinics cure sky rocketing health care costs
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Greedy landlords beat free clinics
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Bwahaha Rent Control beats greedy landlords
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
However the disincentive to capital investment caused by the denying of individual property rights finally defeats rent control.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
Winning the lottery beats the disincentive to capital investment caused by the denying of individual property rights.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
unknown relatives defeats winning the lottery
Posted by Vee on :
caller ID defeats unknown relatives
Posted by Caliente on :
Blocked IDs beat caller ID.
Posted by Vee on :
voice mail trumps blocked IDs
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
delete buttons beat voice mail
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
a remote cabin in the woods beats delete buttons or any other aspect of temecommunications.
Posted by Caliente on :
A forest fire owns the remote cabin in the woods.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Only *you* can prevent forest fires!
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
(good one, EDE!)
*We* beats *you.*
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Lifetime beats We (in the ratings anyway).
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Eternity beats a lifetime.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
boredom beats eternity
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A good book beats boredom.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
great sex beats a good book.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
pregnancy beats great sex
Posted by Vee on :
abortion stops pregnancy
Posted by Caliente on :
President Bush outlaws abortion.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
World opinion beats President Bush.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Big Media diffuses world opinion.
Posted by dedman on :
Low ratings beat Big Media
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
fan petitions trump low ratings.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Hard-hearted executives beat fan petitions.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The network's parent company's shareholders oust the hard-hearted executives.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
A hostile takeover replaces the network's parent company's shareholders.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
merger-mania running amok leaves weaves all corporations into a single entity, leaving no one left who could attempt a hostile takeover.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Trust-busting US attorneys break up the monopoly.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The mob wacks trust-busting US attorneys.
Posted by Caliente on :
The police take down the mob.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
N.W.A f*ck tha police, by popping a cap in their ass with a gat.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Arguments over money finish N.W.A.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A collapse of capitalism beats arguments over money
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
The rise of the middle class postpones the collapse of capitalism.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Neo-cons prevent the rise of the middle class
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Neo-cons self-destruct.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Dr. Phil does away with self-destructive tendencies.
Posted by Caliente on :
Oprah beats Dr. Phil with her ratings.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Rabid Jerry Springer fans finish off Ms.Winfrey.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Louis Pasteur develops cure for rabies.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A series of strokes finished off Louis Pasteur
[ March 02, 2007, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: Quislet, Esq. ]
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Tiger Woods' hole-in-one beats a series of strokes.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
An eagle flying nearby snatches away Tiger Woods' hole in one.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Hunters soon render the eagle extinct.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Bugs Bunny gets the better of the hunters.
Posted by Tekwych on :
The Animaniacs Punk Bugs Bunny
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
"Dip" from Roger Rabbit (a mixture of acetone, benzene, and turpentine; the only sure way to permanently kill a Toon) beats the Animaniacs (or any other animated characters)
Posted by Ram Boy on :
A hazmat team cleans up the "Dip" making the world a safe place for all our animated friends.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
A volcanoe erupts right where the hazmat team is working, naturally destroying all their stuff.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Superman punches release vents to prevent the volcano erupting
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Magic immobilizes Superman.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Ferro Lad is immune to magic.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
90s DC remakes Ferro Lad into a wimp.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Movie special effects makes 90s DC look like a wimp.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
Indy films, with quirky characters and engaging storylines make special effects look cheesy.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Corporate-owned big studios stifle indy films.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Spiraling production costs cripple corporate-owned big studios.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Filming in Vancouver Canada curtails spiraling production costs.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
Tickets to a Seahawks game in Seattle distracts the crew from their film work in Vancouver.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Rain dampens the tickets
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
Umbrellas keep the rain off.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
severe winds damage umbrellas, and make them useless.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Domed stadiums put paid to severe winds.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Retractable roof stadiums replace domed stadiums.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Malfunctions and aging equipment render retractable roof stadiums an embarrassing failure.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A good maintenance crew repairs all malfunctioning and aging equipment.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Arcane union regs keep a good maintenance crew from being available.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Strike Breakers break the legs of arcane union regs
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Corrupt Union Boss' thugs dress the scabs in cement and dump them in the river.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Whistleblower provides evidence against corrupt union boss' thugs.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Inability to whistle strikes a blow against the whistleblower.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
a great singing voice more than makes up for inability to whistle.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Laryngitis negates a great singing voice.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Licorice and honey tea dissolves the laryngitis.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Diabetes prevents the use of licorice and honey tea.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
the Holy Grail cures diabetes.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Joseph of Arimathea hides the Holy Grail.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Roman Legions arrest Joseph of Arimathea
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Germanic tribes in the Teutoburg Forest defeat Roman Legions.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Mel Brooks spoofs Germans.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Refined tastes demolish Mel Brooks.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Toilet humour easily wins out over refined tastes.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Reality televison makes toilet humor seem refine
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
The television's "off" button makes reality television a non-issue.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
TiVo records what you missed while television was off.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Powergrid failure knocks out TiVo recording.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Generators overcome loss of power during grid failure.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Saboteurs blow up the generators.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Saboteurs' overbearing mothers tell the saboteurs to play nice.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Psychologists blame saboteurs' overbearing mothers for everything.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Psychiatrists give psychologists inferiority complexes.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Pharmaceuticals make pschiatrists obsolete.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Spiraling insurance costs make pharmaceuticals unobtainable.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Socialized drug plan bypasses spiraling insurance costs.
Posted by Sketch Lad on :
Tom Cruise worshippers guilt those who utilize socialized drug plans out of the habit.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A jilted "boyfriend" shocks Tom Cruise worshippers.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
New love overcomes jilted boyfriends.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Post-honeymoon phase reality tarnishes new love.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
An affair relieves post-honeymoon phase
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Chastity belts prevent affairs.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Horny locksmiths open chastity belts in record time.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Shotguns deter horny locksmiths.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
The NRA defends the gun against charges of being used to kill.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Rosie O'Donnell attacks the NRA.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Donald Trump outspends Rosie O'Donnell.
Posted by Pov on :
But Rosie outeats The Donald.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
The Donald's hairpiece comes to life and eats Rosie.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The ghost of Rosie sets The Donald's head on fire.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Ghostbusters put the ghost of Rosie O'Donnell into a containment unit.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
The onset of the 90's and crappy CGI destroys the Ghostbousters. And a sad day it was.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The year 2000 brought an end to the nineties.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Dark Horse Presents beats 2000 A.D.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Marvel outsells Dark Horse Presents
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
DC beats Marvel. 'Nuff said.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Time-Warner controls DC
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Exxon-Mobil trumps Time-Warner
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Depletion of oil reserves spells the end of Exxon-Mobil
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
a new responsible energy paradigm overcomes the loss of oil.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Haliburton squashes any new energy paradigm.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
After 1,000 years of ruling the globe with an iron fist, Haliburton eventually falls apart from corruption within.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Microchips in the brain prevent corruption.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
an EMP disables all microchips.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A miracle averts the electro-magnetic pulse
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
The miracle is well received, movies are made, readers flock in... and Marvel Editorial has the miracle completely undone in less time than it takes to put on a spandex outfit.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
A shotgun takes care of Marvel Editorial.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
an Uzi beats a shotgun.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Strict gun control beats an Uzi.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
A young and vital Charlton Heston whoops gun control.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Those damn dirty apes won't keep their paws off a young and vital Charlton Heston.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
One single cult-worshipped nuke puts paid to those damn dirty apes.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
a time-travelling Cornelius and Zayra and ther messiah son prevent the nuking.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Time paradoxes shunt Corneliuys, Zayra & their messiah son into a parallel universe.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The latest universe-changing comics crossover event corrects time paradoxes.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Escalating cover prices cause universe-changing comics crossovers to be cancelled.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Free Comics Day eliminates concerns over escalating cover prices.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Screaming little rugrats running amok in the comic book store while their parents stand idlely by make a mockery of Free Comics Day.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Military Academy eliminates rugrat problem at my CBS.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Lisa Simpson topples military academies.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Bart glues Lisa's head to the toilet, eliminating her academy toppling.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Dr. Hibbert surgically removes Lisa's head from the toilet.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
A malpractice suit from Mr. Burns puts an end to Dr. Hibbert's career.
Posted by Blockade Boy on :
tort reform passes giving Mr. Burns' lawyer an anxiety attack.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
corporate abuses make a mockery of tort reform.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Guilty consciences expose corporate abuses.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Golden parachutes silence guilty consciences.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
class action stockholder lawsuits eliminate golden parachutes
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Political appointees squash class action lawsuits.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Voters throw out political appointees.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Electronic voting machines with no auditable record keeping mechanism overturn the wishes of voters.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
She-ra beats Electronic voting Machines...because...because...SHUTUP! thats why!
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Transformers beat She-ra.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
Gobots beat transformers
And Nothing Beats She-Ra... because She-Ra is the Shit. Take a whiff.
[ April 10, 2007, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Joe-Boy Harvestar ]
Posted by Kid Prime on :
quote:Originally posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar: Gobots beat transformers
In Bizarro World, maybe. I can't even begin to discuss the thousands of ways that the Transformers beat the Gobots.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
She-Ra beats Bizarro World.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
heh.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Smurfs on LSD beat She-Ra
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Teletubbies on crack beat Smurfs on LSD.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Teletubbies on crack join a Twelve Step Program.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The Twelve Step Program is cancelled because Teletubbies can't count.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Sesame Street teaches them to count to twelve.
Posted by Joe-Boy Harvestar on :
The Fraggles Own all over those Sesame Street bitches. they then Party with She-Ra.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Miss Piggy, out to avenge Kermy, DECIMATES the Fraggles.(and bitch slaps She-Ra into oblivion)
Posted by Joeboy Harvestar on :
[ April 12, 2007, 05:06 AM: Message edited by: Joeboy Harvestar ]
Posted by Joeboy Harvestar on :
Piggy-Ra disembowells regular Piggy. Then her, She-Ra and A methyst, Princess of gemworld hit the town.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Omaha, Nebraska bacon plant processes Piggy-Ra.
Posted by Joeboy Harvestar on :
Leatherface goes on killing spree, bacon plant closed down. The Saw is Family.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Spider-man out pulls Leatherface at the box office
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Tobey Maguire gets too old to play Spider-Man, putting an end to the wall-crawler's box office appeal.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Hollywood's tendency to let older actors play much younger characters makes Tobey Maguire's getting too old to play Spider-Man irrelevant.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
George Clooney (a much older actor) decides to take over the Spider-Man role. Fans hate it. The movie flops.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Comics are the saviour for good ideas done poorly, keeping Spidey alive to hit the silver screen someday hence.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Rob Liefeld becomes the new Spidey artist. Fans hate it. The comic book is cancelled.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Bendis relaunches Spider-Man with a new #1. The issue of quality is rendered irrelevant as the Marvel fanboys go nuts.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Marvel fanboys go out on dates, discover girls, and abandon comics.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Fickle girls dump Marvel fanboys for guys with cars.(they got tired of riding on the back of scooters)
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
High gasoline prices force the guys to leave their cars at home.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Advances in fuel cell technology bring affordable cars back into the hands of dateable guys.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
The oil industry purchases the rights to, and then shelves, advances in fuel cell technology.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Satan collects on his deal with the oil barons and comes for their souls.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Charlie Daniels beats Satan in a fiddle contest.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Hank Williams makes Charlie Daniels look like Garth Brooks.
Sorry Charlie Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
His cheatin' heart told on Hank Williams.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
His cheatin' heart turns achy-breaky, which means Billy Ray Cyrus and his muttonchop make a comeback.
Posted by Bicycle Repair Man on :
"Weird Al" Yankovic mocks Billy Ray Cyrus back into well-deserved obscurity.
-------------------- Don't play that song, That Achy-Breaky Song, The most annoying song I know! 'Cause if you play that song, That nauseating song, I might blow up my radio! Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Michael Jackson decides that Weird Al is to blame for ruining his career and sues him into oblivion.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Michael Jackson's odd behavior destroys Michael Jackson.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Dr Phil helps Michael Jackson cope with his self-destructive tendencies.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Dr. Frazier Crane out-analyzes Dr. Phil.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
One too many coke binges does in Dr. Frasier Crane.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The War on Drugs finally eliminates cocaine.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Kieth Richards donates 4 million kilos to help the cause. The War on Drugs is lost.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Keith Richards finally catches up with the estimate that he should have been dead twelve years ago. Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Reality superceded projected estimates.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Comic books take over the world, eliminating reality completely.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Hollywood writers overcommitting themselves destroy the comics industry.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Writer's Block defeat the Hollywood Writers
Posted by minesurfer on :
A four hour trip to Kate's lounge defeats Writer's Block... along with several other Blocks the writer didn't even know he had. Viva La Pen!
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
A drug-resistant STD puts the kabosh on that trip to Kate's lounge.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Abstinence puts an end to STDs.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Lad Boy eliminates abstinence.
Posted by minesurfer on :
The Drunken Mohel puts and end to Lad Boy.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
A horrified and alert rabbi restrains the Drunken Mohel before too much damage is done to Lad Boy/Lass.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The rabbi walks into a bar with a priest and a minister, turning them into a joke.
Posted by minesurfer on :
A person without a sense of humor says, "I don't get it!" which covers joke.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The person without a sense of humor succumbs to stress induced cardiac disease.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Magic fingered masseuses help to reduce stress thus staving of heart disease.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Electric back vibrators eliminate the need for expensive maseuses.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Short life batteries shut down electric back vibtrators
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Solar technology eliminates the need for old-fashioned batteries.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A massive volcanic eruption shoots so much dust in the air that solar technology is rendered useless
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Superman plugs up the volcano with a boulder and sends the volcanic dust into space with his super-breath.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The volcanic dust contains trace amounts of red kryptonite, which give Superman a case of super-asthma.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
John Byrne reboots all varieties of kryptonite other than the green out of existence.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
John Byrne declares himself king of the universe and reboots himself out of existence.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Rob Liefeld's latest project steals Byrne's thunder.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Paul Levitz and George Perez doing Legion makes us forget about Rob Liefeld's latest project.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
In a stunning move Levitz and Perez are canned and replaced with Garfield creator Jim Davis.
[ April 30, 2007, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Ram Boy ]
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Ewwww, too far!
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A giant lasagna falls on Jim Davis (on a Monday, of course).
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Colossal Boy, Giant-Man, and Elasti-Girl have a giant picnic and eat the giant lasagna.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Joe Q. interrupts the picnic and tells Giant-Man to go back to Marvel offices.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Colossal Boy and Elasti-Girl tie Joe Q into a ball and play catch.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Mrs. Q shows up and tells them to leg Joe go 'cause it's time for supper.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Mrs. Q gets distracted by Ram Boy's Beefcake thread
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
A server error causes Ram Boy's Beefcake thread to disappear.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Nighty backs up everything, so Beefcake is restored.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
A bored and cranky DC legal department wanders by during their lunch hour. The beef is removed and Nightcrawler is sent to Sing Sing. (where we all visit him and cheer him up immeasurably)
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
A bored and cranky DC legal department is distracted by Michael Turner's drawings of Power Girl's boobs.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Comics Code Authority is reinstated on the entire DC line, mandating that PG's bosom be reduced to a realistic size.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Good stories with realistic non-gratuitous scenes erode the authority of the Comics Code Authority once again.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Good stories are forgotten by writers who can't write, artists who think they can write, and companies that want six-part trade editions.
(Oh, wait ... that really has happened!)
Posted by Ram Boy on :
OK...(deep breath)...here goes; A miffed He Who Wanders leads a highly successful world wide boycott of comics written by writers who can't write, artists who think they can write, and companies that want six-part editions. This results in the Comics Industry taking a good hard look at themselves and making much needed improvements. Thank you He Who Wanders!
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
He Who Wanders's successful worldwide boycott of comics written by writers, artists who think they can write and companies that want six-part editions leads to much needed improvements, but it's too little to late, as the vast decline in comics sales that results from the boycott causes the Big Two to go out of business.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The absence of the Big Two creates new opportunities for younger, fresher talent and companies that create new heroes to thrill the public.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Copyright law prevents the younger fresher talent and companies from using the characters we all love, like the Legion.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Crafty young writers circumvent copyright laws by adding UK to everything. Lightning Lad is now Lightning Lad UK and The Legion of SuperHeroes is now The Legion of SuperHeroes UK.(it works with rock bands anyway)
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The British Crown sues for unauthorised (note spelling) use of "UK".
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Prudent judges dismiss the case, since the Crown failed to enforce any claim it would have, as it ignorewd various rock bands using the "UK" tag without authorization since the 80s (if not before).
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
QEII invokes monarchical priviledge and hurls the judges into the Tower of London.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
A popular revolt overthrows the monarchy.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Realizing it was time for the latest episode of American Idol, the popular revolt fizzled out.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Howard Stern uses his popular (and sometimes revolting) talk show to make a mockery of American Idol.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Howard Stern joins Don Imus in the ranks of the unemployed when the American Public tires of shock jocks.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Propagandists put one over on the American Public by flying a politician onto an aircraft carrier in a fighter jet and hanging a banner that says 'Mission Accomplished'.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
After hearing thoughtful, in-depth news coverage on National Public Radio, the American Public realizes that nothing was accomplished.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
corporate funding and influences undermine NPR.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
[threadus interruptus]
quote:Originally posted by Tamper Lad: Propagandists put one over on the American Public by flying a politician onto an aircraft carrier in a fighter jet and hanging a banner that says 'Mission Accomplished'.
Oh wait ... that really happened, too.
[/threadus interruptus]
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Corporate funding and influences become obsolete when Galactus returns to devour the world. Meanwhile, the public is too concerned about Anna Nicole's baby to notice.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Hmmm, war on two fronts. OK, the UN sends Jenny Craig parolee Kirstie Alley to devour Galactus before he can devour the world. Meanwhile, the public notices she's gained back a couple of pounds and forgets all about Anna's baby.
[ May 14, 2007, 08:00 AM: Message edited by: Ram Boy ]
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
The American Restaurant Industry's fetish with ever-increasing portion sizes sates Kirstie Alley.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Rachel Ray's quest to turn everyone into a gourmet cook succeeds, and no one goes out to eat anymore. The American Restaurant Industry fails.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Martha Stewart outcrafts Rachel Ray
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Martha forgets she's not supposed to get too crafty and is carted back to jail.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Martha uses a finely crafted and well-polished turn-of-the-century ladle to free herself from jail.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
A slightly effeminate ladle expert from The Antiques Roadshow inspects Martha's ladle and discovers that it's really a Taiwanese reproduction mass produced in the GAZILLIONS in 1974.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Taiwan is "accidentally" decimated in a Chinese War Game.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A 12 year old hacker infects the Chinese War Games with the Pokemon virus.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The 12-year-old hacker hits puberty and abandons Pokemon.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
A mean spirited high school cheerleader kills the hopes and dreams of the 12-year-old hacker, sending him back into the cyber world.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
High school cheerleader flunks algebra, is unable to get into college and spends her life in low-paying, unfulfilling jobs.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Democrats in Congress and the White House eliminate low paying jobs by raising the minimum wage to $53.00/hr.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
McDonalds raises the price of a Big Mac to $29.99 and lays off the Grimace. Democrats are voted out by hungry outraged Grimace fans.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The Hamburglar is hired by friends of the Democrats to lobby the states to increase the use electronic voting machines that produce no auditable record of votes, and coincidentally votes cast by outraged Grimace fans "fail to be counted."
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The Supreme Court, stacked with Grimace fans by a previous pro-Grimace administration, rules that the uncounted ballots must be counted. Hamburglar takes the fall and is jailed (yet again).
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Mayor McCheese slips the Hamburglar a burger with a file in it and he escapes.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Mayor McCheese is impeached for failing to pay back taxes to Ronald McDonald (who is the political boss of McDonaldland).
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Sid and Marty Krofft's lawsuit shuts down McDonaldland.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The Burger King dismisses the Krofft's lawsuit as frivolous.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Robespierre guillotines the Burger King and renames the restaurant Burger Republic.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The neighboring Land of Dairy Queen takes advantage of the political chaos in the Burger Republic and invades. Their Queen has Robespierre guillotined and afterwords serves up tasty treats to the rabble.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The Dairy Queen is caught in a scandal with the former Taco Bell Chihuahua ("Yo quierro la Brazier!") and is deposed.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The scandal increases the Dairy Queen's recognition factor and MGM signs her to a 7 picture deal.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The Dairy Queen becomes a prima donna while making her first feature, "Fast Times at Fast Food High," and is canned. Her understudy, Wendy, gets the role.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Mistaken for Pippi Longstocking, Wendy is attacked by a vicious bloodthirsty mob. (If your parents ever made you sit through a Pippi Longstoking movie you'll understand why)
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Wendy is saved by the appearance of the real Pippi Longstocking, along with horse and monkey, and the mob turns on them with an intensified bloodthirstiness.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Pippi Longstocking turns out to be Glorith, who transforms the angry mob into angry babies.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Zero Hour wipes out Glorith.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Multiple boots wipe out the effects of Zero Hour
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
A JLA/JSA cross-over cancels out multiple boots.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Power Girl's super-boobies are all readers can focus on, which renders the storyline of the JLA/JSA cross-over pointless.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Nothing beats PG's cleavage.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
... and the Big Bang occurs, filling with stars and planets the nothingness that beat Power Girl's cleavage.
[ May 21, 2007, 12:49 AM: Message edited by: He Who Wanders ]
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
New evidence discredits the Big Bang theory
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Further scholarship proves that the new evidence is really a Brian Michael Bendis script.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
A convulted, dialouge heavy, action lite Bendis script convinces scholars to stop reading the new evidence half way through. The Big Bang theory survives.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Krona tries to verify the Big Bang theory, but sees a giant hand before he is struck down by an unknown blast of lightning. The theory is called into question.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The giant hand turns out to be Colossal Boy playing a prank with a time machine. Circadia Senius bans him from the Time Institute.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Universo uses hypnosis to circumvent bans from the Time Institute.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Lex Luther time travels to the 31st century and convinces Universo to join him in a "Bald is Beautiful" parade, causing Universo to abandon the Time Institute.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The Bald is Beautiful parade has a run-in with a shipment of Rogaine.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
When Rogaine fails to work on Lex, he buys the company, fires all the employees, and turns it into a fast food franchise.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Bald Burger's policy of serving absolutely no condiments with any order turns off ketchup loving consumers who boycott the chain. Lex Luther files for bankruptcy.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Ketchup loving consumers get sick as a result of tainted tomatoes.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
New FDA regulations minimize the risk of tainted tomatoes.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The appointment of an otherwise-unemployable friend of the administration (and twice-convicted tainted tomato importer) to the position of Secretary of Health and Human Services greatly diminishes FDA's regulatory activity.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The Secretary of HHS is accused of tomato laundering (real laundering -- with Tide, no less!) by the House Un-Appetizing Food Activities Commission and forced to resign.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Procter and Gamble introduces a new formula for Tide that is safe for washing produce and the HUAFAC's decision is overturned.
Posted by Joeboy on :
In the end, "Classic" Tide proves more popular the "New" tide...
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Marvin the Martian comes to Earth and steals the world's supply of surfactants so that all laundry detergent , including Classic Tide, cannot be made anymore.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Bugs Bunny, dressed like a girl martian, distracts Marvin while Daffy steals back the surfactants. Crisis averted. And of course Bugs gets all the credit.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Marvin the Martian produces a marriage contract that proves Bugs is his wife, and demands the wascally wabbit live on Mars with him.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Marvin the Martian loses in court, given that no jurisdiction allows inter-species relations and/or marriage.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Neo-cons win again and this time they are able to abolish all courts.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Neo-libs defeat neo-cons at the polls.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Politically motivations replace judges in key areas, giving the neo-cons the election after all.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Neo-libs secede from the union and form their own nation, Algoria. They declare war on the neo-con-run USA and win by using green guerilla tactics.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The Algorian army, preoccupied with newspaper drives, leaves the northern frontier unguarded. Canada, seeing the chance it's been waiting for, invades. Algoria (formally the USA) is now Lower Saskatchewon the 11th Canadian Province.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
The other USA, the neocon one, feeling threatened by the Canadians, whom they always suspected of "hating us for our freedom", uses the Canadian invasion of Algoria as an excuse to "intervene" and install a pro-American strongman... er... democratic leader... in Canada.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Canadian National Treasure, Anne Murray, comes to her countries defense and uses her evil singing abilties to drive the Neo-cons back across the border.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Anne Murray is detained at Guantanamo.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A massive tsunami washes Guantanamo into the Atlantic Ocean.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Anne Murray reveals her hitherto unknown aquatic abilities and survives the sinking of Guantanamo. She serenades the king of Atlantis into invading the surface world.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
The king of Atlantis grows sick of her as well, and executes her.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Atlantean proletariat stages a coup d'état and overthrows the king.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
After the great evaporation caused by global warming, Atlantis becomes Atlantisahara, a low altitude desert strewn with the dry bones of the former Atlanteans and looking much like a Georgia O'Keefe painting.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Friendly peace-loving advanced aliens come to Earth and correct the problems of global warming.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Malicious war-mongering barbaric aliens come to Earth in pursuit of the friendly peace-loving advanced aliens.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Malicious, war-mongering, barbaric aliens leave Earth in terror when they see a news broadcast showing how malicious, war-mongering and barbaric human beings are.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Malicious, war-mongering, barbaric humans become addicted to reruns of "That '70s Show" and "Everybody Loves Raymond" and become malicious, war-mongering, barbaric couch potatoes.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
An EMP wipes all copies of "That 70s Show" & "Everybody Loves Raymond" clean.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Topher Grace and Ray Romano decide they don't want their legacy to go to waste, so they team up for a reunion special, "Raymond Loves the '70s."
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The reunion show tanks in the ratings when it's aired opposite an Olsen Twins christmas special.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Age does in the Olsen twins popularity
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Taking a page from the astounding success DC has had with the Legion of Super Heroes, the aged Olsen Twins are rebooted in a similar, but younger version of their current selves.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The rebooted Olsen Twins are revealed to be Manhunter androids and destroyed in the direct-to-video mini-series, Family Ties: The Secret Crisis.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Original stories reveal how shallow Family Ties: The Secret Crisis really is.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The rise of reality shows causes original stories to become a thing of the past.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
The lack of reality in reality shows brings about their downfall.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The aroma of freshly brewed coffee wakes us up from a lack of reality
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Escalating prices at Starbucks and other coffee vendors cause people to turn to alternative fuel sources. Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Competition causes Starbucks to lower their prices.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The competion is driven under when Starbucks introduces naked baristas.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Prudish Americans pressure the naked baristas to put some clothes on.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Prudish Americans drop dead in horror when Janet Jackson whips out both of um this time.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Network censor bar Janet from appearing on television in anything other than a hermetically sealed radiation suit.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
the ever-expanding plethora of cable channels destroys the power of netowk censors
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The ever-expanding plethora of cable channels fragments the audience even further, so that the the "Ants in the Pants" channel attracts only a dozen children and one brain-damaged adult. Advertizers channel their money elsewhere.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
with advertisers self-exiled from television, truly intelligent and interesting subject matter starts to become the norm.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Truly intelligent and interesting subjects cause the average viewer's head to explode. Networks retreat into their hourly Paris Hilton update.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The story of Britney Spears' baby being stuck down Christina Aguilera's well pre-empts the Paris Hilton coverage.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Paris gets revenge by having a baby and hiring Michael Jackson as babysitter from his balcony.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Finally fed up, France declares war on Paris Hilton and bombs her.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Garbled orders lead to the French airforce bombing all of the Hiltons in Paris.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Garbled orders are made a thing of the past when everyone becomes telepathic.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Telepathy causes a collapse of civilization, as people can't deal with each others' secrets and bluntness without concealment.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Hope & Necessity allows us to rebuild from the collapse of civilization
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Hope divorces Necessity and runs off with Dreams.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
On behalf of Necessity and her child Invention, famed attorney Gloria Allred sues Hope for back child support.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Dreams gets revenge by giving Gloria Allred nightmares.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Sleep deprivation induced by excessive coffee-drinking eliminates Dreams.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A combination of large does of Ambien and Lunestra eliminate sleep deprivation - permanently.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The death of a prominent lawyer generates bad publicity for Ambien and Lunestra, who go bankrupt while trying to spin damage control.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Uber-slick PR agencies make bad publicity a thing of the past.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Sandwich-board-wearing transient prophets in every major North American city invalidate the vain efforts of uber-slick PR agencies.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Transients prophets are hired by Wall Street to predict stock market outcomes; the stock market crashes when everybody stops trading.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The state of Washington, seeing a good deal on cheap land, uses it's profits from apple selling to buy Wall Street and rename it Walla Walla Wall Street. No one can take it seriously anymore.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Walla Walla Wall Street becomes the location for the filming of "Willy Wonka 2: Voyage to Oompah Oompah Land." New Yorkers flee in terror.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
In a selfless act of heroism, crooner Liza Minnelli marries the entire cast of Willie Wonka 2. They then honeymoon in Vegas, which allows New York, New York to return to normal.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
In keeping with tradition, all of Liza Minelli's new husbands come out as gay and divorce her.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Strict fundamentalists come into power and outlaw divorce.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Strict fundamentalists are brought down when the even stricter leather-dominatrices they hired to punish them for being bad, spill the beans to the The Enquirer.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The Enquirer's credibility suffers a fatal blow when all of its stories are revealed to be true. (Yes, even "Elvis' Bat-headed Love Child Being Raised at Graceland.")
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Philosophers confuse everybody as to what is the nature of truth
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
everyone is too busy watching American Idol and other drivel to care what philosophers (other than Homer Simpson) say about anything.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Homer Simpson is elected president by the people who watch "American Idol" and other drivel. But the nation goes bankrupt when he appoints Barney as Secretary of the Treasury.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Godzilla recognizing true evil when he sees it attacks and then eats Barney.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
(I think HWW mean Barney Gumble - Homer's best pal and not Barney the purple dinosaur)
Perry Mason is appointed special prosecutor and tries Godzilla for the murder of Barney Gumble.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Ironside rolls over Perry Mason.
P.S.- Quis, I wouldn't be surprised if Homer chose Barney the dinosaur.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
(Yes, I meant Barney Gumble, but, if Homer's drunk enough, he just might confuse the two. D'oh!)
Columbo pushes Ironside down a flight of stairs.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
McCloud's horse stomps on Columbo.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Marshal Matt Dillon orders McCloud to stop fooling around and go back to being his deputy.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Miss Kitty calls Marshal Matt into the saloon and--ah--detains him.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Festus catches Matt and Kitty in the act and shoots them both for "derelexicon of duty."
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Cartwright boys ride in and run roughshod over Festus.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The Cartwright boys feud over who owns the Ponderosa after father Ben is abducted by a spaceship.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Little Joe shoots Adam and Hoss, changes his identity, grows his hair out, marries a kinda-hot blonde, then builds a one bedroom, no-bath loft house on some suspiciously unflat land in Minnesota.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Agent Fox Mulder investigates the case of an angel who murdered.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Mulder is distracted from his investigation by yet another nefarious plot from the Cigarette-Smoking Man.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Smoking ban here in the nation's capital snuffs out the Cigarette-Smoking Man.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The big tobacco lobby pushes to overturn the smoking ban.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The tobacco lobby is razed to make room for the cannibus foyer. Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
the people building the cannibus foyer go off seeking munchies - the foyer is never completed.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Overseers make sure the jobsite is well stocked with snacks.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Big Brother fires all the overseers and replaces them with surveillance cameras.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Somebody hacks into the surveillance camera system so that they only play reruns of "Family Matters."
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Jaleel White becomes supreme ruler of the Earth thanks to the machinations of the Union of Surveilance Camera Monitor Watchers Local 235
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Jaleel White is voted Most Annoying Ruler in History and deposed by his deputy ruler, Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air").
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
When the alien overlords invade, they depose all human actor/despots.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The alien overlords are defeated by a certain wanderer from Daxam. Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
a certain wanderer from Daxam is defeated by lead.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
a certain survivor from Trom turns lead into pesto sauce
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The pesto sauce turns back to lead after one minute, as per the current restrictions on the survivor of Trom's powers.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Lightning Saga Element Lad has no such restrictions -- Presto! It's pesto.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A mutated paper destroying virus destroys all comic books in the world meaning there is no version of Element Lad or a certain wanderer from Daxam.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
With everything posted online these days, there is no need for comic books to be printed on paper.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Al Gore changes his mind and dismantles the internet.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Dick Cheney takes Al Gore on a quail hunting trip.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Dick Cheney & Al Gore encounter this quail while hunting and are never the same again.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Dan Quayle out-crackpots the crackpot quail.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The killer potatoes do in Dan Quayle.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The killer potatoes are captured by representatives of a toy company and turned into Mr. Killer Potato Head.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Parents Groups place Mr. Killer Potato Head on their list of "most violent toys".
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Kitson and Waid make a bunch of old grandpa notions like parents groups obsolete.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Kitson and Waid move on to their next project: rebooting Pez dispensers.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The rebooted Pez dispencers malfuction and poke out millions of eyes. The Bubble Yum Bubble Gum Company takes advantage of the crises to promote the relative safety of bubble gum.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
2.5 years of lacklusterism demonstrate Waid's lack of ability to achive his goals.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
When secret memos are discovered that prove that Waid's goals were to drive Pez dispensers out of business, the company is exonerated. Public sympathy gives it a competitive edge in the marketplace against the Bubble Yum Bubble Gum Company.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Pez takes a tumble when they stake their future on John McCain Pez dispensers.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The McCain Pez dispensers become hot collectibles and command huge prices on eBay.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The ebay economy collapses when people realize it is all just junk.
Posted by Eryk Davis Ester on :
Junk becomes valuable when labelled "found art".
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
"found art" becomes passe in the next age: Lost Art.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Lost Art stops to ask for directions.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Lost Art gets directions from Missing Link and remains, well, lost.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Missing Link names Lost Art and Geico as co-defendants in an anti-defamation lawsuit.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
I go crazy from seeing one too many commercials, seize control of the world and annihilate all traces of Geico
Posted by Lad Boy on :
You sell your tv, make use of your library card, and GEICO thrives.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Escalating oil proces makes billions give up their cars. Geico goes out of business when no one needs auto insurance anymore.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Escalating oil prices lead to the develop of an alternative fuel source based on the sweet potato.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
My mother-in-law's sweet potato casserole recipe causes demand and price for sweet potatoes to escalate astronomically, making fossil fuels look cheap in comparison.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
A technological breakthrough lets people enjoy the taste of your mother-in-law's sweet potato casserole even while your cars use them for fuel; this envrio-friendly and tastebud-friendly win-win situation prevents fossil fuels from making a comeback.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
After it's discovered that Lad Boy's mother-in-laws sweet potato casserole causes wooziness and explosive diarrhea in 7 out of every 10 lab rats tested (and just causes cars to explode), consumers switch over to the newly improved slinky-mobile.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Slinky-Mobile's fortunes fall when it fails to walk down stairs (alone or in pairs).
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Escalators make stairs obsolete
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
when humans mutate into Daleks, stairs and escalators are both obsolete.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The Doctor will save humanity from being mutated into Daleks
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Doctor regenerates into The Bucket Woman who becomes very upset when someone drops a piece of her Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Patsy and Edina show up drunk off their arses to one of her candlelight suppers and finish off the rest of the Royal Doulton (and Hyacinth).
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Patsy and Edina, so saturated in alcohol from decades of overconsumption, spontaneously combust.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Decades of alcohol overconsumption produce a plethora of brilliant music, literature, poetry and legislation.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The brilliant music, literature, poetry, and legislation are banned when it is discovered that, played backwards, they contain Satanic messages.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Annoyed and insulted, Satan has those responsible for the ban liquidated, so that generations of teenagers to come can enjoy his backward vocal stylings.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Robert Green Ingersoll proves that Satan is just a myth
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Fundies in need of a boogeyman/scapegoat refuse to believe Ingersoll.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The adult toy industry trademarks the name "Fundies". Former fundies have no choice now but to go home and mind their own business.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
without fundies, world affairs get too sane and too boring. News media, pamplet publishers, weapons contractors and other industries reliant on unstablity go bankrupt, causing a serious recession.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The recession ends when Bill Gates buys the United States of America (now MSUSA), and gives it a cash infusion of a zillion dollars from his cookie jar.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
MSUSA fails to perform as marketed. It is deeply discounted and repackaged as MSCanada.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
MSCanada is secretly acquired by China.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The MSCanada virus spreads, creating MSAsia.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
McAfee antivirus software quarantines MSAsia.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
A fourteen-year-old boy in Munich, working from his mother's basement, hacks McAfee.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The fourteen-year-old boy in Munich is distracted when he finds the first Golden Ticket and leaves to tour Willy Wonka's factory.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Concerned Pediatricians shut down Willy Wonka's factory as a step in fighting childhood obesity.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Insurance concerns cause pediatricians to abandon their practices and become baristas at Starbucks.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Starbucks goes under when the public collectively and suddenly realizes they serve really bad coffee.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The publics ability to realize anything is blunted by decades of mind numbing commercial television.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The rise of WiFi, Wii, and Whatsis make viewing commercial television a quaint, old fashioned hobby.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
With the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows reading books becomes popular again, making people forget their Wiis and Whatzises.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The absence of any further Harry Potter books causes millions of fans to go into withdrawal. Special clinics and support groups (Pottanon) are set up to help them.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Outdoor Miner begins writing a series of books fully of witty and humorous tales that outsell Harry Potter and entice billions of readers to give up and forget Harry Potter and fiction in general.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Outdoor Miner stops writing these books when he learns that his contract does not include a provision for payment.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
The book market, now larger than Hollywood, rushes to fix that mistake, as 60 percent of the global economy is now reliant of OM's writings.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
OM makes so much money off the sale of his books that he delegates the actual writing to Mark Waid. True to form, Waid reboots everything and then moves on, leaving fans to tear their hair (and each others') out.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
The Waid fans are labelled heretics and exterminated as the Church of the Outdoor Miner seizes world power, ensuring peace, good reading, and the values of being witty and appreciating avant garde rock bands.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Followers leave The Church of the Outdoor Minor in droves after it's discovered that OM is actually actress/comedian and evil genius Janeane Garofalo. The charade over, Miss Garofalo declares herself Empress of Earth saying,” What the F*#k you gonna do about it?"
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Janeane Garofalo gives up her royal title when Pixar/Disney offers her a role as a psychotic singing feminist chef in Ratatouille parts 2 and 3.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
The Board of Health shuts down production of Ratatouille parts 2 and 3, saying it sets a bad example to show how cute rats are in restaurants, thereby depriving Janeane of her role.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Privatization and corporate influences render the Dept of Health a completely ineffective agency.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
An epidemic of botulism exposes the ineptitude of privitzation and corporate influence in Public Health.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The United States finally gets a nationalized health service, eliminating the inept private and corporate influences on health care.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Michael Brown is appointed head of the US Health Service.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Bobby Brown beats up Michael Brown.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Whitney beats up Bobby Brown
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Dionne Warwick (Whitney's aunt) locks her in her bedroom for taking drugs.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The Psychic Friends know Dionne's every move and counter her at every point.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Chapter 11 Bankruptcy does in the Psychic Friends (who, apparently, didn't see it coming).
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Winning the Lotto takes care of Chapter 11.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Taxes and fees leave the lotto winners with a sum total of $1.54.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The U.S. government's sterling record on computer procurement and maintenance makes tax collection impossible for the I.R.S.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
Public disclosure of Computer Consultants' use of the public purse and their expense accounts at seedy strip clubs nixes the whole computer procurement program.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The public's demand for all the steamy details makes people forget about the actual wrong-doing.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The strip clubs' ingenious idea to publicize their business as the place for the working man draws in the crowds, gives the public the whole story and kills demand for the steamy details.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The increased workload resulting from all those working men frequenting strip clubs, causes strippers to form the Innernashional United Strippers Onion. Their first order of business, after bikini waxing, is to call a strike.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The IUSO's future is jeopardized when several key leaders disappear, Jimmy Hoffa-like.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The key leaders of the IUSO didn't actually disappear, they were recently discovered in a pocket universe.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The pocket universe is retconned out of existence by Zero Hour.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Hickory, dickory, dock, the mouse ran up the clock; the clock strikes one and Zero Hour is done --for good, gone, forgotten.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Television (the new babysitter) has replaced nursery rhymes.
Posted by Bureaucracy Boy on :
3-D holovision with optional smellcast replaces television.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
3-D holovision runs its course when people tire of "Extreme FARTathon".
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Ratings for Extreme FARTathon rebound when Celebrity Extreme FARTathon (Premier episode: Jim Belushi vs. Roseanne Barr) takes to the air.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The B Ark takes all the fans of Celebrity Extreme FARTathon out into space. The rest of us will follow later.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Passengers on the B Ark realize that it's the A Ark that gets all the best food, drinks, and celebrity gossip news. They go on a hunger strike until conditions improve.
Posted by Outdoor Miner on :
Lack of willpower ends the hunger strike after a particularly tense three and a half minutes.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Self-help guru Tony Robbins gives the passengers a pep talk that boosts their willpower.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Susan "Stop the Insanity!" Powter beats the crap out of Tony Robbins
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Susan Powter is ordered by the court to attend anger-management classes.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The courts get dismantled by the shadow government.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The shadow government is exposed by a gaggle of vigilant internet conspiracy theorists.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Y2K bug (remember that? )shows up a few years late and thrashes the equipment of these vigilant Internet conspiracy theorists.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
The 10-year old child of one of the conspiracy theorists fixes all the damage caused by the late-arriving Y2K bug.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
I put my hand on the head of the 10 year old child and his/her short arms can't reach me or anything else.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Quislet, Esq. is arrested and beaten silly by the police for touching a child without his parents' permission.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A billion dollar excessive force lawsuit eases my suffering.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The child's family files a civil suit against you, claiming damages in excess of a trillion dollars for counseling fees.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
An assassin's bullet ends the child's life making the lawsuit moot and therefore dismissed.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
As you are the chief suspect in the child's death, your life becomes a living hell of police investigations, whispering friends and co-workers, and sensational stories on TV news "magazines".
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Jury tampering gets me aquitted
Posted by minesurfer on :
On appeal... Jury tampering now legal. Aquittal overturned.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Cushy country club prison makes me feel right at home.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The need for more workers to clean up New Orleans results in cushy country-club prisoners being forced to work in chain gangs.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
You-tube video of Legion Worlders in chains on Canal Street leads to a rush on white-collar crime wanting to get in on the action.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Major media corporations sue YouTube for copyright infringement and shut it down.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Hundreds of thousands of Skateboard riding bulldog fans storm the major media corportions to get YuoTube back on-line
Posted by minesurfer on :
Free twinkies at the Quikie Mart distract the Skateboarders.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Trans fats and failure to wear helmets eliminates the Skateboarders.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
double post
Posted by minesurfer on :
Double post eliminates free twinkies and trans fats and sans helmets.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Gary eliminates double posts.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Inane posts finally get the better of Gary.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Deeply philosophical discussions about graemlins eliminate inane posts and restore Gary's faith.
Posted by minesurfer on :
Boobies defeat philosophical discussion.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Over-aggressively fund-raising from the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation eliminates boobies.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Boobies bounce back when busty blonde bombshells bare their bountiful bosoms in Playboy.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Playboy folds when it is discovered that Hugh Hefner is really gay.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
(that would explain soooo much)
Gay Hef resurrects Playboy as Playboyboy. It becomes an instant classic among gay men and conservative politicians everywhere.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Playboyboy folds during copyright litigation with the Siegel family, and clearly PlayboyMan is just wrong.
Posted by minesurfer on :
Boobies clearly beat the Siegel family and PlayboyMan.
(I'm still not sure which one won the previous escalation, but since Boobies are clearly the top of the "Escalation" food chain I thought I'd bring them back... We all know that nothing beats boobies, you can say something beats boobies, but even little babies know that nothing beats boobies. Ahh boobies... can we get an appropriate Graemlin?)
Posted by Liberty Monkey on :
steam-powered cow-milkers suck boobies dry Posted by Lad Boy on :
Diesels beat steamies.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
solar energy beats diesel.
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
The sun goes nova, ending solar energy.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Oasis records Champaigne Supernova and nobody cares about plain old novas anymore.
Posted by Pov on :
Did they do the same thing with caviar quasars?
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Oasis band members become bartenders after the break up of their group during the resurgence of Bluegrass.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The 21st Amendment to the US Constitution is repealed, putting all bartenders out of business.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Hard-drinking Republicans trash the constitution.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The anarchy that ensues following the elimination of the Constitution incites a mob that lays waste to the hard-drinking Republicans.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The mob is placated when helicopters drop Little Debbie snack cakes (the ruling classes preferred method of crowd control) amongst them.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Hostess sues Little Debbie for utilizing an idea orginating in their old advertisements Hostess cupcake ad As you can see from the evidence, the idea of airdropping snack cakes orginated with my client.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
When a surprise witness takes the witness stand....
...the jury finds in favor of the defendant. Hostess is whooped.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Paparazzi expose Little Debbie's hard partying ways forever destroying her cute image.
"I swear officer, the powder was from my doughnut."
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Little Debbie becomes the celebrity du jour, as her wild exploits get more media coverage than Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Rosie O'Donnell combined. Sales of her snack cakes soar.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Things get ugly when Dolly Madison spreads rumors about the source of Little Debbie's cream filling. Now there's a real zinger for you.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The British drive Dolly Madison from her house.
Posted by Caliente on :
The Patriots revolt against the British.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Miami Dolphins annihilate the Patriots.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The tuna fisheries net the Dolphins.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Greenpeace shuts down the tuna fisheries
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Greanpeace members are distracted by a NORML rally.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A case of the munchies disbands the NORML rally
Posted by Lad Boy on :
A couple of backpacks filled with Granola bars cures the munchies.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Mold spores in the backpacks make the granola bars inedible.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
20 Mule-Team Borax eliminates mold spores.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The EPA declares 20 Mule Team Borax a toxin and bans it.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
President Cheney Bush assigns an incompetent Texan to the top spot at EPA, eliminating any concerns for gubbermint innerfearnce into industrial environmental devastation.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The 22nd Amendment to the US Constitution limits how long Pres. Bush can hold office.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome President Laura Bush...
Posted by He Who Wanders on :
Hilary Clinton beats Laura Bush in a mudfighting contest. (C'mon! You'd love to see it, too!)
Posted by minesurfer on :
Bill beats Hillary.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A restraining order for domestic abuse prevents Bill from getting within 500 feet of Hillary
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The Supreme Court determines that all restraining orders must be issued by the Department of Homeland Security and reviewed by the Justice Department. Beatings resume while the order makes its way to the top of the inbox of the Assistant Principal Deputy Associate Under Secretary in charge of restraining order reviews.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Congress passes a new amendment eliminating the Supreme Court and replacing it with an American Idol/Dancing with the Stars voting system where ordinary Americans decide court cases.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Only 36 states ratify the amendment, John Roberts keeps his job.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
John Roberts quits his job when he's tapped to appear on Dancing with the Stars. His elegant yet spicy interpretation of the rumba wins him the competition and encourages the remaining justices to likewise quit and follow their dreams. The Judicial branch of the U.S. government falls into utter chaos.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
"Dancing With the Stars" loses viewers when the producers try to expand the franchise with "Dancing with the Stars: Special Victims Unit"
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Interest in "Dancing with the Stars" soars when the show is rebooted as "Dancing with the Stars of Legion World"
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Americans tune in anxiously to watch us as we cut a rug with our characteristic style and panache. Imagine then their "surprise" as they watch a pantless Pov doing the jitterbug. They quickly decide that "Matlock" reruns may not be so bad after all.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The Matlock/Dancing with the Stars of Legion World Holiday Crossover miniseries gives the Discovery Channel its highest ratings ever!
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Aliens come and answer all our scientific questions. There is nothing left to discover, making the Discovery channel obsolete.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
INTERLUDE
quote:Originally posted by Quislet, Esq.: "Dancing With the Stars" loses viewers when the producers try to expand the franchise with "Dancing with the Stars: Special Victims Unit"
Brilliant, Quis!
END INTERLUDE
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The arts flourish and the alien egg-heads are rendered obsolete.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Sarah Silverman manages to offend all seven muses who pack their backs and head back to Olympus, leaving mankind only Play-Doh and a couple Crayolas to create all their future masterpieces (Thomas Kinkade, strangely enough, continues to flourish).
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Gay men singlehandedly bring the arts back and make the world more fabulous.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Gay men are distracted from pursuing their artistic expressions by a sign at Abercrombie and Fitch that says "All Merchandise 50% off."
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The fashion world's ruling elite declare Abercrombie & Fitch passe. The new look is floral muumuus for men and orange jumpsuits for women.
Posted by Pov on :
Can't wait to see you in your orchid muumuu, Quis! Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
quote:Originally posted by Quislet, Esq.: The fashion world's ruling elite declare Abercrombie & Fitch passe. The new look is floral muumuus for men and orange jumpsuits for women.
The release of season one of Ugly Betty on DVD reminds the world of what fashion really looks like, relegating the men's muumuus and women's jumpsuits to history.
Posted by Pov on :
History... and Quis's closet. Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
An electro-magnetic pulse that only affects DVDs wipes out all copies of the Ugly Betty DVDs. It is thought that comments but no play by Pov caused the pulse.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Pov is abducted by a race of non-pants wearing aliens who proclaim him their High Poo-Bah. DVD production can now continue.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Tim Gunn provides a sense of style and decorum to the non-pants wearing aliens.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Style and decorum go out of fashion... again.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Style and decorum become all the rage with the consciously unfashionable.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The consciously unfashionable are devastated when K-Mart goes out of business.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Then quickly find solace in the clothing aisle of Wal-Mart.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
The evolution of an ethical, just and decent society puts Wal-Mart out of business.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
An ethical, just, and decent society is no match for the invading alien army of Omicron Persei 8
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
the invading alien army of Omicron Persei 8 is single-handedly repelled by Anne Coulter wielding a pointy stick, after she is told that the invaders as "liberals."
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Ann Coulter is defeated by Ann Coulter.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Anne Coulter is thoroughly discredited as a hate mongering homophobic woman-hating racist, when X-rated photos of her and Starr Jones show up all over the web. Dr.Laura must now work twice as hard to fill the void.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Pictures of Mr. Muggles get more downloads that x-rated lesbian pictures.
Posted by Pov on :
Not in MY house, they don't... Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
...quis, that's the most outlandish leap made thus far...
but we'll continue...
The all-green-beans-thread becomes more popualr than pictures of Mr. Muggles.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
What? Isn't Mr. Muggles the best character on Heroes and Heroes the most popular show ever??? You don't think more people would want to see Mr. Muggles than lesbian porn?
Back to the game:
The FDA outlaws green beans and any mention or depiction of them as unhealthy.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
FDA fails to enforce its rule, as all its agents are too busy downloading both lesbian porn and Mr. Muggles pics.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A public outraged by contaminated food forces the FDA to enforce their own rules.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
The public is easily distracted by a Hollywood celebrity's traffic infraction, which somehow pisses off everyone from PETA, the JDL, U2, Fox "News," the Vienna Boys Choir, the Sierra Club, the NRA, the oil lobby, the Jesuits, Zsa-Zsa, the People's Republic of Laos and the United Meatworker's Union.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Interest in Hollywood celebrity traffic infractions wanes as people flock to their local comic book stores to get Supergirl and the Legion of Super-Heroes issue 35.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Jim Shooter's pending return trumps Supergirl and the Legion of Super-Heroes issue 35.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Jim Shooter is a myth, like Santa Claus and Hillary Clinton.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Santa Claus shows up at Lad Boy's door, proving he's not a myth.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
"Santa Claus" turns out to be a strip-o-gram, setting back the cause of demythicizing Santa Claus.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Stripper-Santa's appearance was merely a coincidence -- really I don't have any idea how he got my address... and phone number (work, home and cell), and email address and social security number -- "real Santa's" mythic status is neither proved nor disproved -- but since I just got what I wanted for Christmas, who cares?
Posted by Ram Boy on :
After billing records from Come-All-Ye-Faithful.com reveal that it was in fact Lad Boy who sent himself the holiday cheer... ...the New York Times runs an editorial entitled, "Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus and He Charges By the Hour". The Santa myth is busted.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A Scalia led Supreme Court declares the New York Times (hold on I have to look at that picture again ) unconstitutional.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A Democrat (any Democrat!) wins the White House, the conservative members of the Supreme Court bite down on their suicide capsules, the new Prez (whoever she/he may be) appoints new justices who overturn the Scalia decision.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Democrats sell us out -- again.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Our well-attended fundraiser buys the Democrats favor.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Watered down champagne ruins the fundraiser.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Two gallons of moonshine in the bed of my '73 El Camino make champagne (and most everything else) irrelevant.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
But drinking half a bottle of Everclear in the back of a rusted out 78' Plymouth Volare w/no tires and a dead hooker in the trunk would still be classier.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Due to lack of vintage Volares and shortage of hooker corpses, we'll have to settle for a Craigslist personal ad and this: Volare scrap in Chicago Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Craig's List sells out to Microsoft and now charges for each personal ad.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The ease with which Microsoft's security protocols are violated means Craigslist is still free -- at least for you unscrupulous types.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Microsoft hires 13 year old hackers to fix the security leaks.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
13-year-old hackers, distracted by an Adam Hughes poster of Power Girl, lose their low-paying jobs and return to idleness in their desolate New Dehli suburbs.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
In order to reduce lower back problems, Power Girl is forced to have breast reduction surgery and as a result her pin-up status suffers. To compensate DC decides to give Green Arrows torso it's own poster.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Green Arrow torso poster becomes so popular that DC begins overmarketing Green Arrow paraphernalia, which proves to be less popular than they anticipated, resulting in bankruptcy.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Carl Icahn buys DC's assets in a bankruptcy settlement and merges the company with the vestiges of Eastern Airlines. The resulting financial powerhouse, in a highly leveraged transaction, takes over the world.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Carl Icahn discovers that money and power do not bring happiness and goes on a spiritual quest.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Carl Icahn's spiritual quest was just a cover for his real estate quest; he buys several Buddhist Temples and most of the Vatican City.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Real estate values plummit when the aliens predicted by the Church of the Sub-Genius arrive and transport every person on Earth to his/her own private pleasure planet.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
The taxes on private pleasure planets prove too much for most folks budgets. Everybody moves back to earth where they all settle in the Boston area in order to take advantage of the nifty transportation system.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The high cost of living in Metropolitan Boston precipitates a mass migration to the Southern and Western United States.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The Publishers Clearinghouse makes everyone a winner and thus able to live in whatever area of the world they want to.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Publishers' Clearinghouse is declared a terrorist organization and its officers, employees and winners are all shipped off to Gitmo without trial or evidence.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Disney buys the Guantanamo navel base and converts it into a theme park. Mickey means business.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Disney Gitmo is such a success that the economy of Cuba becomes the best in the world. The Communist government of Cuba buys controlling interest in Disney stock and make it a socialist company.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A revolution overthrows Castro's government.
Posted by Pizza Delivery Girl on :
Video of the revolutionaries gunning down Donald Duck is posted on youtube, and they are immediately invaded by the Coalition Of Nations Whose Children Will Not Stop Crying, Dammit, What Is Wrong With You.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
The Coalition Of Nations Whose Children Will Not Stop Crying, Dammit, What Is Wrong With You succeeds, but 20-30 years later those children sue the Coalition Of Nations Whose Children Will Not Stop Crying, Dammit, What Is Wrong With You for trauma, pain and sufffering, after proof surfaces that the Coalition Of Nations Whose Children Will Not Stop Crying, Dammit, What Is Wrong With You fabricated the videos in the first place.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The suit against the Coalition Of Nations Whose Children Will Not Stop Crying, Dammit, What Is Wrong With You is dismissed due to expiration of the statute of limitations.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
The Universal Coalition of Trial Lawyers (in order to protect the rights of the oppressed, and the right of Trial Lawyers to make large contingency fees on more accessible class-action lawsuits) successfully lobbies for the repeal of Statute of Limitations allowing them to sue the Roman Invasion of Gaul.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Taking their namesake's advice, the Royal Shakespeare Company kills all the lawyers.
[ February 05, 2008, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: Rockhopper Lad ]
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
All the lawyers come back to life when both Heaven and Hell reject them. The lawyers then sue the Royal Shakespeare Company on the tort action of battery.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Having been declared legally dead, the resurrected lawyers lack standing in court to pursue their case, setting back the cause for Reanimated Rights for decades.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
In what will ultimately be known as the high point of the Countdown to Crisis, Star Boy farts opening a rift to earth 41 -- the parallel world for re-animated zombie attorneys. Brian K Vaughn writes a best-selling limited series about their adventures, starting with their battery suit.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The limited series proves so popular that it is decided to turn it into a movie, adapted by the same crew who gave us the Halle Berry Catwoman.
Posted by CJ Taylor on :
Some truly inspired casting, bad direction, and indy cred turn the movie flop into a classic cult camp hit.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
In a post-election funk, Vice-emporer Dick Cheney joins the cult. All records of its existence immediately disappear; Scooter Libby stays in jail.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Dick's cult is co-opted by the Church of Scientology; Scooter Libby stays in jail but is forced to change his nickname from Scooter to Death Skull in order to survive.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The Church of Scientology is replaced by the Church of Cosmetology.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Church of Cosmetology suffers a schism when a group of conservative Cosmetologists in California, upset over a gay Cosmetologist in New Hampshire, secedes to join the Cosmetological Church of Argentina.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
A little foundation patches up the crack in the Church of Cosmetology.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Shifting tectonic plates cause cracks in the foundations of foundation manufacturers.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Superman pushes shifting tectonic plates together making everything OK
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
The re-shifting of the tectonic plates provoke a tsunami, which engulfs the seaside vacation home of Lex Luthor.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
moving along...
Any revengeful action planned by Luthor is interrupted by his years of stress and bad eating habits, causing a heart attack.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
a low daily dose of aspirin prevents heart attacks.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A bleeding ulcer makes taking aspirin unwise.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Dr. Stephen Strange operates on the bleeding ulcer.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Dr. Strange's operating theatre hosted MSRA, which infected the patient and prevented healing of the ulcer.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Unhealed ulcers are healed by faith healers.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The bunko squad arrests the faith healers
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Lawyers specializing in freedom of religious practice get the charges dropped.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The case is overturned on appeal by the US Supreme Court who rule that freedom of religion is not protected by the First Amendment after all.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Article III of the Constitution is retconned out of existence by Lex Luthor and Dick Cheney.
Posted by Dreaming Celestial on :
Dick Cheney is retconned out of existence thanks to a butterfly-stomping time traveller, proving there is a god and retconning the retcon.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Butterflies are made extinct by the Bush/Cheney policies on the environment -- proving that there is a god, but that he's Lex Luthor.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Bush/Cheney (aka: Cheney/Bush) policies are themselves made extinct by a voting public that's in very bad mood.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The voting public is made obsolete by widespread use of electronic voting machines manufactured by Halliburton.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
An astute six-year old boy pulls the plug on electronic voting machines.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
Bionicles holds the attention of the six year old boy
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Transformers obliterate Bionicles.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Gobots obliterate Transformers
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Kid Prime obliterates Gobots; Legion World mourns the loss of the collateral damage formerly known as Kent Shakespeare.
Posted by Exnihil on :
Optimus Prime tells Kid Prime he's grounded for fighting with other transforming vehicles.
Posted by Gamara on :
Megatron terminates Optimus and converts Kid Prime to Decepticonian.
Posted by Quislet, Esq. on :
The media powers that be decide that there is no money to be made in the Transformers franchise and cancel Megatron and all the Decepticons and Transformers.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The media powers that be all lose their jobs in the general implosion of the economy.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Ahh...but don't you see, it's actually only the Earth-33 economy that imploded.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
To make more money the big network boss cancels the multiverse (and Earth-33) in favor of "9 Circles of Hell Network" where you watch all your favorites of yesteryear get what they deserve for all eternity.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
The Supreme Court rules in favor of the FCC forcing the 'Nine Circles of Hell Network" to rename itself the "9 Circles of You-know-where network."
Posted by cleome on :
The Supreme Court succumbs to a deadly mutant bacterium residing in those festive holiday caramel-spice lattes from Evil Mermaid Coffee, LLC.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Evil Mermaid Coffee, LLC is sued out of business by Quislet, Esq.
Posted by cleome on :
Quislet, Esq. perishes tragically when outraged pretentious coffee drinkers stone him with last year's fruitcake.
Posted by Exnihil on :
Pretentious coffee drinkers hide in shame when Ashton Kutcher... ahem... "Punk's" them by replacing their grande half-caf mocha lattes with Folger's Crystals.
Posted by cleome on :
Folger's Crystals are mined to extinction by renegade Braalians invading Earth.
Posted by rickshaw1 on :
Renegade Braalians are defeated by being sprayed with Bird Spit Soup!
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Bird Spit Soup is forever ruined when Campbell's and Progresso brands replace it with watered-down chemically versions, just like they ruined everything else.
Posted by cleome on :
Campbell's & Progresso are swallowed up by Leland McCauley and R.J. Brande (respectively) in the Great Interplanetary Buyout War of 3009.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Leland McCauley and R.J. Brande are killed off by Geoff Johns
Posted by cleome on :
Geoff Johns is snubbed at the Eisners when the award goes to some manga with boys smooching instead.
Posted by Exnihil on :
"Boys Smooching" loses out to "Vampire Weekend" in a USA Today poll for "Silliest Band Name of 2008"
Posted by cleome on :
Vampire Weekend is thrashed at the 2009 Grammies when ill-gotten Time Bubble tech brings back Qypthone.
Posted by Exnihil on :
Qypthone lead singer is sued for trademark infringement for stealing Bobby Conn's hairstyle.
(Side note: Utter Awesomeness at 2:08 - 2:11. You're welcome.)
Posted by cleome on :
Bobby Conn quits the biz after even the Substitute Substitute Legion and Ambush Bug declare him "just too damn freaking weird."
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Grant Morrison writes a 52-issue Ambush Bug arc that serves as the backbone of all DC comic continuity It's so damned confusing people give up comics forever, taking up Shakespeare and Dostoevsky for light escapist reading.
Posted by Blockade Boy on :
Morrison covers "Notes from an Undeground" in a one-word graphic novel and births New Lemmingnism.
Posted by cleome on :
New Lemmingnism fails to win over as many converts as the Church of Calvin & Hobbes.
(With apologies to whoever I stole that idea from;I've already forgotten.)
[ January 13, 2009, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: cleome ]
Posted by Exnihil on :
The Church of Calvin & Hobbes, long advocates of a "Get Rid of Slimy girlS" policy, is protested by the National Organization of Women.
Posted by cleome on :
NOW shows up for the inauguration dressed like the "New, Improved" Mary Marvel, and is forcibly disbanded by the FCC.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The FCC is attacked by thousands of people who didn't realize that the digital TV switch was going to affect them.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
As part of the stimulus plan, phase III, President Obama issues a new digital TV to everybody in America.
Posted by cleome on :
President Obama's TV giveaway causes Americans to go insane en masse from the endless barrage of painfully bad half-hour infomercials. In the ensuing riots, the U.S. Government is overthrown by angry mobs and a triumvirate of radio pundits assumes nationwide rule.
[ February 20, 2009, 07:07 AM: Message edited by: cleome ]
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Pharmaceutical giant, Eli Lily, introduces Calmestra, the first FDA approved drug that totally cures insanity. The riots end, order is restored and the pundits are sent packing.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Calmestra is pulled from the market after a large number of people report to their doctors that they experienced calmness lasting over four hours.
Posted by cleome on :
Calmestra is renamed Clamestra, repackaged / repositioned and returned to the market by an unscrupulous alliance of medical and bartending lobbies.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Medical and bartending lobbyists are so restricted by the Obama administration that they can't raise enough money to be unscrupulous.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
The Obama administration is forced to loosen up on the medical and bartending sectors in an effort to numb the nation senseless.
Posted by cleome on :
The benumbed nation awakens from its drunken/stoned stupor after accidentally stubbing its collective toe on a billion sentient pet rocks.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
A billion sentient pet rocks fall out of fashion in favor of a billion sentient Rubik's cubes.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
The billion sentient Rubik's cubes are totally ignored when an angry Dancing with Stars contestant takes Cloris Leachman hostage.
Posted by cleome on :
The hostage situation is brought to a satisfying close on live TV with the timely intervention of three dozen zombies in SWAT gear. (Millions cheer.)
Posted by The Traveler on :
The three dozen zombies are made short work of by a half-crazed Ash armed only with a chainsaw hand and a "boomstick".
Posted by cleome on :
Ash gets life for the "murder" of Zombie Quesada, thanks to a corrupt judicial system.
Posted by Lad Boy on :
Corruption of the judicial system ceases when market value corrections for the assets of all organized crime and other influence peddlers reveal that no one has enough money to buy a judge any more.
Posted by cleome on :
Judges circumvent reform by agreeing to be paid in Antiques Roadshow merchandise.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Cancellation of Antiques Roadshow invalidates judges' agreement.
Posted by Tamper Lad on :
The all Tea and Crumpets Network fills the gap caused by the gap using the British version of Antiques Roadshow.
Ooo look at that exquisite Royal Doultan figurine.
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Advertisers pull their support from the Tea & Crumpets Network when they unwisely name their newest show Tea Bagging with Chauncey and Emma.
Posted by cleome on :
The network makes millions after hiring "comeback kid" Vanilla Ice to compose and perform their hit theme song: "It's A Tea Party, Baby."
Posted by Ram Boy on :
Unfortunately for Vanilla Ice, while composing "It's A Tea Party, Baby", he chose to sample the following songs without giving credit to the original composers -
"Help!" by The Beatles "Tambourine Man" by Bob "Mumbles" Dylan "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zeppelin "Cannonball" by The Breeders "I Love You" by Barney and "Happy Birthday" by "Rockin'" Mildred J. Hill and "Rollin'" Patty Smith Hill
A particularly miffed Barney went on a rampage and ate him.
Posted by cleome on :
Barney's gambling debts cause him to be "laundered" by the Mob's dry-cleaners.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
*One Year Later*
The Mob's "cleaners" run out of "detergent".
Posted by cleome on :
Dark Rockhopper Lad seizes control of the world's detergent supply!
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Rockhopper Lad's innate goodness didn't allow him to stay evil for very long. Posted by cleome on :
Evil makes a resurgence when Zardi pulls a bunch of orange plaid negligees from his hat.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Evil does not succeed because orange plaid is so last month.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A little over a year later, orange plaid comes back into fashion.
Posted by cleome45 on :
Orange plaid-mania fizzles out when all the orange dye is hoarded by the IMF.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The IMF is completely discredited due to the scandals involving Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
Posted by cleome45 on :
The IMF heads off a ruinous stay in court by cleverly replacing Dominique Strauss-Kahn with a politically un-savvy Durlan actress.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Durlan actress turns out to be a mole, and the Durlan fleet arrives to invade Earth.
Posted by cleome45 on :
The Durlan fleet gets lost while looking for a White Castle.
Posted by Jerry on :
White Castle goes bust when Five Guys Famous Burgers and Fries opens across the street.
Posted by cleome45 on :
Five Guys and their lucrative cross-promotion with the My Little Pony empire end in disaster-- after a tearful Mom recounts finding a horseshoe nail in her daughter's kid's meal on 60 Minutes. Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Tearful Mom sells horseshoe nail to proverbial horse who for want of a nail lost his shoe. The battle that had then been lost is now won and history changed so that Tearful Mom was never born.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Tearful Mom never being born results in catastrophe for 24th century Earth. It seems that Tearful Mom once killed a cockroach whose descendants would have mutated into intelligent giant cockroaches. Now they have enslaved Earth and all of humanity.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Tearful Mom never being born results in catastrophe for 24th century Earth. It seems that Tearful Mom once killed a cockroach whose descendants would have mutated into intelligent giant cockroaches. Now they have enslaved Earth and all of humanity.
Posted by cleome45 on :
Giant feet emerge magically from the sky, Gilliam-style, and crush the cockroaches flat.
Posted by Jerry on :
Giant feet turn suddenly after squishing cockroaches flat, there is giant boulder on the trail. Giant feet stub big toe on the giant boulder causing extreme pain.
Posted by cleome45 on :
Naked Mole Rat Lad and his minions chew the giant boulder into gravel.
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
PETA starts a protest campaign against Naked Mole Rat Lad and his minions over exploitation of naked mole rats.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
PETA is hacked by Anonymous. Their operations go bust as their funds are siphoned off and their servers crash.
Posted by Exnihil on :
Anonymous' identity is discovered and broadcast nationwide in a startling exposé by 60 Minutes.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The 60 Minutes expose attracts several organizations who want revenge on Anonymous. The entire building is blown sky high.
Posted by Reboot on :
An eccentric detective single-handedly tracks down and arrests the bombers.
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
The eccentric detective's ex-wife hauls him into court over deliquent alimony paymnts.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The ex-wife's new husband comes forward making the alimony null and void.
Posted by cleome45 on :
The new husband's previous wife (and their four kids) catch up with him, thanks to mutual friends on Facebook.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Facebook is made obsolete by Google+.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Google+ disappears when everyone become bored with it.
Posted by cleome45 on :
Worldwide boredom forcibly ended when Kang and Kodos invade Earth.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Kang and Kodos are made to return home by their mother, who tells them to play nice.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Kang and Kodos' mother is distracted by a sale at the Giant JC Penney of Space.
Posted by cleome45 on :
The giant JC Penney of Space is crushed flat by a planet-sized meteor.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The planet-sized meteor is bought by Disney and transformed into Disneyland... of space!
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Disney declares bankruptcy when Disneyland...of Space! is a flop.
Posted by Reboot on :
Corporate vultures proceed to hoover up Disney and asset-strip.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Disney assets are confiscated from the corporate vultures by militant Mickey Mouse Club members.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Militant Mouseketeers lose their focus when a galaxy-wide felt shortage makes Mouse Ears almost impossible to find.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The galaxy-wide shortage is resolved when Disney signs a contract with Cargg for raw materials and labor.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
The Threeboot turns Cargg into a planet inhabited only by Luornus, all of whom refuse to work in a felt factory.
Posted by cleome45 on :
Labor-Organizer Lass (a 31st Century descendant of the legendary Norma Rae) Unionizes the Planet Carggg, bringing living wages and civilized working conditions to the felt industry.
[ November 10, 2011, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: cleome45 ]
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Labor-Organizer Lass is retconned out by Keith Giffen. If there's one Legionnaire he hates more than Karate Kid, it is her!
Posted by cleome45 on :
Marvel Comics offers Keith double his current salary to jump ship and leave his present work at DC unfinished!
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Marvel's corporate bosses at Disney fire Keith when they decide his style doesn't fit with the Disney image.
Posted by cleome45 on :
The Disney image suffers irreparable damage following the airing of the Disney Holiday Sing-A-Long With Rick Perry and the Perry-ettes show.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Disney Holiday Sing-A-Long With Rick Perry and the Perry-ettes is canceled due to controversial content.
Posted by Reboot on :
Disney HQ is crushed by a big rock.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Paper covers rock. Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Paper everywhere is gathered up and burned as part of the Largest Guy Fawkes Day/Bonfire Night celebration ever!
Posted by Reboot on :
The World's Biggest Fire Extinguisher is brought in to put the Largest Bonfire Ever out!
Posted by cleome45 on :
The World's Biggest Repo Agency is sent to confiscate the fire extinguisher after the World Bank kvetches about unpaid loans.
Posted by Reboot on :
In an ironic twist, the World's Biggest Repo Agency is repossessed by its lenders after failing to pay its world-class debts.
Posted by cleome45 on :
A crate of thumbtacks that somebody dumped in the middle of the highway gives the Global Lender's Repo truck a flat.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The thumbtacks are gathered up by a gigantic ball of silly putty.
Posted by Reboot on :
The putty melts in the sun.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Sun gets blotted out by massive dust storms.
Posted by Blaze on :
Massive dust storms were sucked by Sucker Lad. Pooof!
Posted by cleome46 on :
Sucker Lad quits his cleaning job to become the international spokesman for Dum Dum Pops.
Dum Dum Pops is destroyed by militant dentists.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Regular brushing and flossing calms down the militant dentists.
Posted by Power Boy on :
All of the dentists become ... calm ... too calm ... slacking off far too much.
Gingivitis becomes rampant ... and sentient ....
stages a coup, takes over the world ... orders all dentists exterminated. It's a gingivitis eat gingivitis world.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Gingitivitis is wiped out by good dental hygiene.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Good dental hygiene becomes impossible when paranoid persons outlaw fluoride.
Posted by Blaze on :
Paranoid persons are rightly paranoid for they are the prime targets of zombies who can run; now they're all dead meat.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Zombies go out of fashion when vampires once again become all the rage.
Posted by Blaze on :
Vampires? Vampires are long extinct, thanks to Shining Son and his cohorts.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Vampires re-emerge when it is revealed that the sun destroying vampires is a modern invention and has basis in European folklore.
Posted by Blaze on :
Times like this call for Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Buffy the Vampire Slayer's career ends when she gets awarded a Razzie.
Posted by cleome46 on :
The Razzie judges disband their organization rather than sit through Battlefield Earth 2 In 3-D. Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
I guess with the digital movies a match would not help. But a giant magnet will erase all the copies of Battlefield Earth 2 in 3-D.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The giant magnet is attracted to the iron core of a newly discovered Braal. bye bye, magnet.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Anemia depletes iron.
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Geritol takes care of that anemia
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Geritol's sales suffer from its fuddy-duddy image.
Posted by Power Boy on :
Firefist shows up and becomes the spokesperson for Geritol, thereby updating Geritol's image.
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
DC Comics reboots Firefist out of existence.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Time Warner overrides DC as it promotes the new Firefist movie, toys, and animated series; it makes DC put Firefist in all the hot books, and have multiple series of his own.
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Poor sales at the box office for the Firefist movie causes Time Warner to file bankruptcy.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Time Warner's bankruptcy is no longer an issue, as they got a large donation from an anonymous donor.
Posted by Power Boy on :
Blood Claw slips on a shrimp and accidentally rips the anonymous donor to shreds at a press junket cocktail party.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
The anonymous donor's estate successfully sues Blood Claw and the Khundian Empire, bankrupting them.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The anonymous donor's estate's money is stolen by IB and Blaze, who use the money to travel the world on a neverending honeymoon.
Posted by Power Boy on :
is recruited by the anonymous donor's anonymous children to teleport Blaze and IB back for trial, so they can retrieve their inheritance.
... oh and the Khund empire is still pissed.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
IB and Blaze manipulate the anonymous donor's anonymous descendants and the Khund Empire into wiping each other out.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Rockhopper Lad chides Ibby and Blaze for being manipulative. Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Rockhopper Lass chides Rockhopper Lad for not letting the boys have their fun Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Rockhopper Lass chides Rockhopper Lad for not letting the boys have their fun Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Rockhopper Lad reminds Rockhopper Lass that she was an heir to the anonymous donor, and her inheritance is now wiped out.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Michael Fitt is sent to distract Rockhopper Lad.
Posted by Power Boy on :
shows Michael Fitt his face and distracts him! They run off to Ventura together.
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
The Khundian government recall Flederweb to Khundia for an assignment of babysitting.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Michael Fitt...
Huh? Oh!
The Babysitters' Club invades and shows Flederweb how it's done.
Posted by Power Boy on :
The Babysitter's Club contracts a freak flu which leaves them all rushing for the potty!
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
quote:Originally posted by Rockhopper Lad: [QB] Michael Fitt...
Huh? Oh!
QB]
Danged Flederweb! If he hadn't shown up...
The freak flu is offered a job in Barnum and Bailey's Circus... of Space!
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Barnum and Bailey's Circus... of Space is shut down when the UP finds most of its trick animals are enslaved sentients.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The enslaved sentients are elevated to a higher plane of existence, and the UP has no more evidence left to shut down the circus... of space.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
Intrepid reporter Trudy Trusoe discovers that the enslaved sentients were not really elevated and remain enslaved, so the UP fires up it's case against the Circus... of Space.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Intrepid reporter Trudy Trusoe is discredited when scandal photos of her and Prince Harry playing strip pool surface.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
The photos are discredited once people remember that Prince Harry died 970 years before Trudy was born.
Posted by Power Boy on :
mistakes Trudy for one of the Mineral People of Thanar, and eats her. She should've put some foundation on to cover her oily skin that shined like "minerals".
Posted by Quislet, Esq on :
Herman Melville sues DC Comics over copyright infringements and the Super Moby Dick of Space is written out of continuity.
Posted by Fat Cramer on :
DC Comics cuts a deal with Melville by offering him his own mini-series, and the Super Moby Dick of Space is on the loose once more.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Super Moby Dick of Space is skewered and grilled by Galactus.
Posted by cleome46 on :
Space-Moby is resurrected in clone form by Greenpeace.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Greenpeace is rocked by an embezzlement scandal and can no longer afford to sustain the cloned Space Moby.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
A pimply-faced fourteen year-old with a Mac hacks in and purges all records of Greenpeace's embezzlement.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Pimply-faced fourteen year-old is publicly humiliated when his younger sister uploads videos of him singing in the shower.
Posted by cleome46 on :
Kid Sister's internet privileges are revoked until her eighteenth birthday by her angry parents.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Angry parents are taken to court by hotshot family lawyer.
Posted by Power Boy on :
Flesh eating bacteria scours the planet, including hotshot lawyers!
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Infectious Lass commands the flesh-eating bacteria to die out!
Posted by Power Boy on :
Infectious Lass gets distracted when Jacques takes his shirt off.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
High-fat sugary snacks make Jacques shy to take his shirt off.
Posted by Rockhopper Lad on :
Ayla's Cellular Trim Ray restores Jacques' self-confidence (and his physique).
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Biggest loser contestants overuse the Cellular Trim Ray, causing its destruction.
Posted by Power Boy on :
Britney Spears shows up ... teaches people how to dance the fat away.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Britney Spears' popularity goes down because of new star Nikki Minaj.
Posted by cleome46 on :
Nikki Minaj forsakes showbiz for a new obsession: weaving baskets out of discarded candy wrappers!
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The UN issues a strongly worded letter against candy wrappers, causing manufacturers everywhere to wrap candy only in edible paper.
Posted by cleome46 on :
Hi Risk Von Tingle buys up all the raw material for edible papers, as part of a tie-in for his new book: The 30-Day Bismollian Basket Diet. Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Hi Risk Von Tingle begins a liquid diet, for health reasons.
Posted by Kent Shakespeare on :
Liquid diets become obsolete
Posted by Jerry on :
Obsolescence becomes the new beige.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Beige is eradicated by the fabulous Mr. Nebula!
Posted by cleome46 on :
Mr. Nebula becomes Ms. Nebula, after ordering the Grandian Bar Special over at L'il Rhino's place.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Grandian Bar Special is all drank by Proty, who doesn't have a gender to change.
Posted by cleome46 on :
Proty gives its life to bring Lightning Lad back from the dead.
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Lightning Lad decides to leave for good when he is mobbed by rabid fans.
Posted by cleome46 on :
Kindly veterinarians give out free vaccines to calm down LL's fans.
Posted by Viridis Lament on :
The vaccinnes actually contain the Validus plague
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
The Validus plague is controlled by Infectious Lass.
Posted by cleome46 on :
Infectious Lass runs, er... afoul of Chicken Soup Kid.
Posted by Viridis Lament on :
Chicken Soup Kid has to change his name to Wet Noodle Lad because there are not enough "free range" chickens
Posted by Invisible Brainiac on :
Chickens are imported from Mercury to fuel the demand.
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
)
methyst, Princess of gemworld hit the town.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
while hunting and are never the same again.
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
)shows up a few years late and thrashes the equipment of these vigilant Internet conspiracy theorists.
![[Evil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
![[Drool]](graemlins/drool.gif)
) unconstitutional.
![[Good]](graemlins/angel.gif)
![[Firefist]](graemlins/Firefist.gif)
![[Blood Claw]](graemlins/BloodClaw.gif)
![[Veilmist]](graemlins/Veilmist.gif)
is recruited by the anonymous donor's anonymous children to teleport Blaze and IB back for trial, so they can retrieve their inheritance.![[Flederweb]](graemlins/Flederweb.gif)
shows Michael Fitt his face and distracts him! They run off to Ventura together.
![[Super-Moby Dick of Space]](graemlins/SuperMobyDick.gif)
mistakes Trudy for one of the Mineral People of Thanar, and eats her. She should've put some foundation on to cover her oily skin that shined like "minerals".
![[Lightning Lad]](graemlins/LightningLad.gif)
![[Proty]](graemlins/Proty.gif)