Many of you know that I am working on a writing career. the story below is being submitted to the writing course I am enrolled in. I'm just curious to see how much difference there will be between your reactions and my mentor's (teacher's) reactions.
Virtual Reality
By Chuck Tabor
He hit the snooze button on his alarm clock several times before finally crawling out of bed. Looking at the hour he wondered why he was bothering to get up so early, he had nowhere to go and nothing important to do. “Maybe that will change today,” he muttered, as he slowly made his way to the bathroom, “maybe today I find a job.”
His room was a shambles but he didn’t care enough to clean anymore, he just kicked things out of his way as he made his way around the apartment. “No one will see it anyway,” he thought bitterly, “ever since she left, no one has been here.”
A few splashes of water on his face and a quick run of his fingers through the few strands of hair that remained, sufficed for his needs. He rubbed the lengthening stubble on his chin but decided that shaving would take too much effort. “Water costs money,” he mumbled to himself, “I’ll shave and shower when I need to go out.” A few swipes of deodorant finished his morning ritual. The thought of brushing his teeth never entered his mind. He did think about getting dressed but decided against it. “Just have to strip again when I go Virtual.”
In the kitchenette he did take the time to make a pot of coffee. There are some things a man has to have, he thought, as he scooped the grounds into the basket. He frowned as he noticed that there wasn’t enough left for a full pot and almost threw the can in a sudden burst of rage, luckily he caught himself in time. “Would’ve been worse if I did that,” he said, aloud in an angry voice.
Shaking his head he made his way to the small table and cleared a spot for his cup. Yesterday’s newspaper wound up stuffed into an overflowing trash can, and a dirty plate joined the pile in the sink. Next to the sink the dishwasher sat empty. He knew it was empty but the effort needed to fill it was beyond him. He slumped into a chair to wait for the coffee.
After the first cup of coffee he began to feel a little better. Deciding he was hungry he opened the refrigerator, and took out the small package that was all that it contained. Inside the package were two donuts. Well I’ve got breakfast and lunch, he thought, need to find something for dinner. He ran his hand down his belly, “who says you can’t loose weight eating donuts,” he chuckled.
He ate one of the donuts and downed another cup of coffee. “I’m gonna have to get some food,” he muttered as he removed the small keypad from the refrigerator door. “She used to keep it full. I never had to worry about things like this, before she left.”
For a second he wondered how long she had been gone and realized that he didn’t even know if she left before or after he lost his job. Somehow, it didn’t matter. Those things happened, life changed, it was so much easier if he just accepted that.
His bank balance was enough to cover another can of coffee and a few groceries, enough to see him through a few more days.
He put the keypad went back onto the refrigerator door and looked into the next room. The computer screen was covered with pop-up messages.
This room was clean, he noticed the difference but the dichotomy was lost on him, didn’t everyone keep their V.R. center spotless?
He left his coffee cup in the kitchenette and carefully dusted the donut crumbs off of his chest before entering the room. Once inside he drew the fine sensor web over his head and fastened it to his body then put on the headpiece and goggles.
A few clicks cleared the screen. He called up the job hunting routine and scrolled through his incoming messages automatically as he waited for the VRNET module to integrate. The process took almost three seconds. “Need to upgrade,” he thought disgustedly.
A message from her caught his attention. It was in text and the full V.R. program was up, so he almost didn’t bother to open it. “Might as well, maybe she’s come to her senses,” he muttered.
“Call me, please! We can beat this if you will just admit you have a problem. Please, I love you and I want to help you. I want to come home but I just can’t live with you the way that you are now.”
He deleted the message with a snort of disgust. Would that woman ever admit that this was the 22nd century?
“Well, no use job hunting now, after that, I’d just screw up any interview,” he shook his head and scrolled down to the virtual entertainment options.
Three of his favorite chat groups were meeting today, and an adventure game was starting shortly. Which of his on-line identities did he want to send where? He scrolled his options and made a quick choice.
Two clicks put him in a room with several other people.
“Look everybody, Hunk675 has joined us!”
The young woman’s voice brought a smile to his face. He used to wonder who the people behind the images really were. What did they look like, sound like, and were they really the sex they portrayed in the virtual world? Now those questions no longer mattered. When he entered here, he was no longer alone and his problems were back in the small cluttered apartment. That was all that mattered.
He watched the image of a twenty year old blond girl approach him. He couldn’t tell the difference anymore and he just didn’t care what he or she looked like in real life. She was here in this reality with him now and that was all that mattered. He could see her. He could hear her. When she touched him he would feel her.
“Hi Babs37, what’s the topic today, still discussing how to make virtual sex more realistic?”
“LOL, no but we can go back to that, LOL”
“I’ve only got a few minutes, Babs37, then I’ve got to get back too my job hunting routine.”
“Really?” she gave him a big smile and ran her hand up his leg. Deep inside he knew it was all fantasy but…
Hey Kid, I like it alot. Certainly describes an aspect of our world that is just now coming into it's own. The scenario you present is quite believeable (as we know from recent discussions) and it is portrayed very effectively.
I'd give it an "A"
One suggestion: When writing conversation or thought, I would try to write it more realistically. For example, instead of “Maybe that will change today,” he muttered, ...” I would probably go with "Maybe that'll change today, he muttered,..."
Likewise I would change “No one will see it anyway,” he thought bitterly, “ever since she left, no one has been here.” to "No one'll see it anyway," he thought bitterly, "ever since she left, no one's been here."
Although it's not proper grammar, I think it more accurately reflects the way most people think and speak. Particularly in your story, it would seem that someone that has gotten so sloppy in life would be just as sloppy in speech and thought.
Vee
Thanks Vee,
I think you're right on virtually
(pun intended) everything. Too bad I snail-mailed it this morning. Not that I would consider...
And I notice that you picked right up on where I got the idea from. Sadly, even without the virtual aspect... Not that I personally spend too much time on-line you understand.
I've PMed my thoughts for you Chuckles, but to recap for everyones benefit I enjoyed how we were led into the 22nd C, nice touches with the keyboard on the Fridge, not quite telling us directly until we are half way through....
I didn't warm to the character, probably my scots prespyterian upbringing but "pick yerself up boyo" springs to mind!
But then I'm the same girl who wanted Winston Smith to just get over himself too!
You have a very pleasant style of writing that leads the reader down the text very comfortably, and don't think I ain't picking up hints either!
I'm left wanting to know what happens next.
So that can't be bad eh?
Sorry B. There is no next to this one. It's a self contained (Very) Short Story.
The object is to leave the reader with something to think about.
I like it, I like it alot ...