Come now people, it's ten days until my birthday, we've got to scramble.

I know how hard it must be to shop for someone as artistically, intellectually, emotionally attuned as I, but I assume it shouldn't be THAT hard to find SOMEthing.

Two Sumo wrestlers and a partridge in a pear tree?

I carved you a life-sized model of the "full-figured" Lightning Lad out of old Xmas fruitcakes.

I'm just waiting for Jerry to send me the shipping funds like he promised.

Where's the gold? The jewels? The control over the pitiful insignificant lives of the wretched masses whom I shall mold into my personal army for the revolution?

..I mean a jet ski.

A course for boosting your self-confidence?

A time machine to get pics of obscure heroes drawn by Jack Kirby, Lou Fines, Wally Wood, Alex Raymond, etc?

What do you get the man who has everything?

Penicillin! Ba-dum-ta! I'll be here all week!

A big fat reboot with Speedy and Lian safe and sound!

Jet ski?!
You live in the Bronx and don't remember ever going fishing.

You need to start smaller, kid.
How about a tree limb, some string and a hook with a jar of fresh worms?

That's more in my budget, too.

And we won't remember any of it.

Nuclear warheads! How do you get me chocolate coins when I asked for nuclear warheads? DENMARK'S NOT GONNA TAKE ITSELF OVER PEOPLE!

How about a snowglobe of Denmark? Cheaper and much less bloody.

...fine.

But I still want some yellowcake uranium.

Okay people here's what I want so get to it:

Spanish rice
A new toothbrush
A Shetland pony
Another toothbrush because the pony ate the first one
The Ruby Parrot
A fake toothbrush
Five more minutes on the slip and slide
Power over the West Coast
Five stout men and two comely lasses of virtue true
1987
A new toaster
Bea Arthur either as a zombie or back from the dead
To take off my top and get killed by Greg Kinnear
A battery powered battery recharger
The complete destruction of Neptune
New Jersey as a sovereign nation
The other castle where the princess is
The cake that isn't a lie
Mountain dew

Yes I am THAT important.

I'm up for the Mountain Dew and a new toothbrush!

The big day is almost here!

I'll start working on the Neptune thing. It may take till next year though.