I have recently separated from my wife of almost 14 years. Reconciliation at this point does not seem to be an option.

I won't be around much here, if at all, for the foreseeable future.

I would appreciate your prayers.

Goodbye for now. I wish you all the very best life has to offer. Take care and may God bless you.

Lance

Lance,

I'm really sorry to hear that. You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.

Take all the time you need to sort things out - but I hope you'll be able to find some solace here, too, among good friends.

IB

Wow. Take care of yourself, and we'll always be here for you if you need us.

I'm so sorry to hear this, Lance. You will be missed. But it's time to focus on yourself now.

Sorry to hear about your situation, brother.

Take care of yourself, and I hope to see you back after things settle down for you. All my best.

I'm very sorry to here that. Hang in there.

Lance, really sorry to hear about this. Take some time for yourself and know you have a support system here if you need it, or even a safe haven for escapism.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

We'll sure miss you around here! Thank you for breathing some new life into Spaceopoly.

I hope it's not long before we see you in these here parts.

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. Hopefully you will be able to sort through everything and get back on track.

Already I am eagerly awaiting your return.

Take care of yourself, lance. I always enjoy your posts. Hope to see you here again, when you're ready.

Thank you all very much. I wish you were all here right now to give me a big hug. I could use a few of those now.

Thank you so much.

You're more than welcome bud.

Hey everything happens for a reason...... as much as things looks sh*tty right now, it WILL get better, ok??
Hang in there. We, your friends, will always be here for you.

BIG HUG!

Sending positive vibrations for a good outcome for all involved ...

Lance, thanks for letting us know you might not be on LW much for the time being. Sometimes people stop posting and sentients worry and you know how it gets around here...I'll accuse Cobie of monster misspelled garlic breath that's scaring people away, not to mention Pantsless Pov, and general pandemonium ensues.

And since you know how it goes around here, I don't need to tell you that if you need a couple of minutes of comics-based shenanigans, you know the place. LW: where the Povs will always be pantsless!

Lance, bud, so sorry to hear this. Don't know the circumstances, but I hope you both handle it the best you can. good luck.

Hate to hear about your troubles... prayers said, and wishes for your return made.

Prayers for strength now and health and happiness ahead. We'll be waitin' for you....

You guys (and gals! sorry!) have been great. Thank you.

Thanks for the hug, FK! I'll take 'em from anyone right now.

Teeds, one of the reasons I posted my troubles was so I wouldn't just disappear. I wanted everyone to know that I am ok. Well, physically, anyway.

The separation with my wife has been fairly amicable, so it isn't as bad as it could be. Not even close.

I have an odd request, and I hope this isn't out-of-bounds. (Mods, feel free to nuke this post if it is.)

My request is - can I call you? I have typically been a very solitary person. In fact, that is one of the reasons for my separation. I do have some friends that I have been leaning on heavily, but I don't have many. Are there any people out there who wouldn't mind if I called them just to chat a bit. We could talk about comics or baseball or girly stuff if you are female or anything really. Or I might just bawl. I have been separated from the wife for a week, and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. If this is something you will allow, then send me a PM of your number, what name I should call you, and what are the optimum times to call. It is probably a good idea if you are 18+, by the way.

I don't want to trouble anyone, but I realized what a great support network this could be. Well, ok, Cobie put it in his post, and it got me thinking.

Thanks again everyone.

Sorry to hear that. We'll all miss you.

[Pinning this thread for a short while so folks don't miss it.]

Take care of yourself Lance. Come back as soon as you feel ready.

Sorry to hear about this lance.
We'll be here waiting for your return when you feel up to it.

First of all, a big sloppy thank you to everyone for being so supportive. I didn’t mean for my earlier posts to sound so alarmist – I think I will still be on here occasionally, but not near as much as I used to be. I actually thought I was going to have to move in with my dad, who has no internet access. So far, that is not the case. I can only get on the internet when I go to the library, and then I am usually hunting for a job or an apartment.

Another thanks to those who said I could call them. I would likely only call when I am feeling terribly lonely, and I didn’t call anyone yet because – yesterday was the best day I have had since the separation.

It went like this: I went to church yesterday morning, and the church was having its Thanksgiving dinner. More food than I could handle! It is probably the only Thanksgiving meal I will get this year, so I was pretty happy about it.

I had planned to go and see the kids later in the day, but I called my wife around 3pm and asked if I could come over earlier. She said it was fine and even asked if I wanted to do laundry while I was there! (Which I did!) My youngest son (Patrick) was visiting his grandparents, but PJ (10) and Mariah (7) were there, and they paid so much attention to me! They showed me their Christmas lists and played games with me and we talked about dinosaurs and fought with me and it was all wonderful!

Before I left, I was printing off a portion of a short story I was writing, and my daughter asked if she could read it. I told her there wasn’t much of it yet and that I would let her read it when it was finished. This gave me the idea – I am going to write the story for my daughter and give it to her for Christmas. She will get the other, more normal, types of presents as well, of course, but I thought she might like this.

Thanks again to everyone for listening, and for your support.

I'm glad to hear you had a wonderful day with your family, lance! Your kids are so adorable.

Some days are ok. Some days are rotten. And some days, I just can’t stand it. Yesterday was one of those days. I was feeling so bad yesterday I actually did call a Legion Worlder. Exnihil was kind enough to let me call him. He was kind enough to spend 20 minutes or so out of his day (ok, it was on his drive home) just to talk to me. He was sympathetic, non-judgmental, and a good listener.

And it helped. A big thank you to Ex for letting me bend your ear. There’ll be a little something extra for you in your next paycheck, fella.

I also called my wife last night. I didn’t really have anything to say, but we chatted. There were no angry words, no acrimony, we just….talked. And it felt good.

Maybe reconciliation isn’t out of the question after all, I don’t know. The one thing I have learned is I cannot get through this with my sanity intact (such as it is) if I don’t lean on some people.

Thanks again to Exnihil, and to everyone who has been so supportive.

I don't know what else to say other than we're rooting for you.

I am getting better. I am looking at this as a phase of our relationship, rather than the end.

I had my first day of therapy yesterday for my anxiety issues. It went well, and already seems to have helped.

Now I need to find a job. I was a stay-at-home dad, so I went out and got a job at Target. It is minimum wage and likely seasonal, but it should keep me from starving. So, I am incessantly looking for something better, but it's tough.

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive. You have no idea how much your comments mean to me. If I ever get really rich, everyone who has posted on this thread is getting an invite to a really boffo party.

Lance,

I am so glad things are looking better for you.

Lance, I am impressed by how you are expressing yourself. Even in these difficult circumstances, you are speaking (OK, typing) clearly, calmly, fairly, and with perspective. That is a strength*.

*Remember that in your employment search!

Congrats on the job! I could live at Target.

lancesrealm fans: Be sure to check out his groovy Yolanda and the Dragon story over in the Bits forum!

Hey, thanks for the plug, Eryk! I have been doing a lot of writing lately, both stories and journaling. I don't know why I didn't do more of it earlier.

[waves]

lance, glad to see that you're hanging in there.

I got a better job today - working at the call center for Convergys. It is a nice big company, so I should be able to work my way up the ranks there. So, I won't be working at Target after all.

I am coping. Thanks again to everyone for ebing so wonderfully supportive.

Congratulations lancesrealm!!! That's pretty nice, and now you can keep busy.

I finally got internet today! Yay! So I guess I should change the title of this thread, haha!

And...I am doing ok. I got an apartment 2.5 weeks ago and I like my new job. It is challenging and even fun. It also keeps my mind occupied, which is good.

And I am going to be ok. The therapy I am in has been quite beneficial. It has helped me realize some things.

My wife might file for divorce; I don't know. But...it wouldn't change who I am. I would grieve for the loss of my marriage if it happens, but I know now I can cope. It wouldn't make me a worse person, whatever that is. And it wouldn't mean my life is over. It also wouldn't mean that there aren't a hundred other good things that are going to happen to me throughout my life.

I suppose I might tell you guys the whole story, if anyone wants to hear it. It is sad and foolish and there are even some funny parts - especially the part about where I was living before I got the apartment. That place was also sad and foolish, btw.

Thanks again to all who have been so supportive. If any of you get near Cincinnati, let me know. I would love to meet some of you. Especially the attractive females, haha.

I have been working on self-improvement, if you can believe that. I have been working out at the YMCA and running and trying to improve myself physically. I have gotten involved with a church and am even reading the Bible, trying to improve myself spiritually. I am going to work hard at my job and try to improve myself occupationally and financially. I still need some more social activities, but I'll find them. And I'll keep getting better.

Take care gang,

Lance

Lance, good to know things are picking up for you. whichever road gets taken, you've got friends.

Alas, even in a wig and stiletto pumps, I would not make an attractive female.

I am glad that things are looking up for you Lance. And glad you are still here on Legion World.

If you want to tell me your story, feel free to PM it to me.

Good to hear things are looking better for you in some ways.

Feel free to tell me the story...do you still have my e-mail?

I'll tell it in public if I tell it.

Glad to hear things are looking up Lance and you've had some clarity on where the road may take you from here.

Working on self-improvement is always a good thing, no matter what else happens!

Awesome to hear that you're in a better place, Lance. It's great to know that you're really taking this opportunity to enhance some of the other areas of your life.

Keep your chin up, brother.

Glad you've turned a corner, Lance. Best wishes.

It's good to "hear" your hopeful and healthy insights, Lance. There is much joy for you ahead.

Dude!

I said I would tell about the place I was living before I got the apartment, so here is:

"The Story of the Mobile Home"

or possibly:

"How Can People Live Like This?"

Immediately after the separation, I was living in cheap hotels. Cheap is a relative term, and it was still too expensive. So, I needed a cheap place to stay (short-term) while I looked for an apartment. I found an ad on craigslist for a room in a mobile home. I went and checked the place out, and decided it was ok. The rent was only $350 per month, plus a $200 deposit. I didn't have to pay for electricity or water or heat or anything. Ok, fine, I moved in. It didn't seem so bad at first. They had several dogs and a few cats, but the place seemed clean and I thought it would be fine for a month or so.

So, the very small room I was in had a twin mattress on the floor, and that was about it. The place didn't have cable or anything to do really, but that was ok, because I was looking for a job and an apartment and I didn't have time for much of anything else. The man and woman who lived there both seemed nice, and they even invited me for meals (which were free, and the woman was a very good cook.) They were both around 40, I would guess. The seemed like real rednecks, but that's ok because I grew up surrounded by rednecks. I did find out later that the guy had been a Sequel Server DBA, which really surprised me. Neither of them had jobs though. Then, one day...

The weather turned cold. That was when I found out there was something wrong with the furnace. They typically set the thermostat at 60 degrees, but I think the temperature was more like 50. I had to sleep fully clothed in a sleeping bag on the small mattress with blankets over me and I was still cold.

Also, the animals. There was a faint animal smell (to be expected with so many animals, I suppose) but it seemed to keep getting worse. Maybe I was getting more sensitive to it. How many animals were there? They had 4 or 5 dogs, and 2 or 3 cats. Maybe 4 cats. I am not sure; the numbers seemed to change. Then it got worse. Once the couple put up the Christmas tree at least one of the dogs thought that was a good place to pee. The smell seemed to get worse, and I had to be careful where I stepped. Still with me? It gets even worse. One night, there was a dogfight in the living room. I was in my room reading, so I never saw it. Still, I found out later one of the dogs had gotten injured, and I never saw that dog again. I don't know what happened to it, and I never asked. People, lemme tell you, when there is a dogfight in the living room it is time to move somewhere else. That oughta be on the cover of the renter's guide.

Things are never so bad, though, that they can't get worse. Typically, the couple who lived there would go out in the evening and not come back until the wee hours. I don't know where they went (to a bar I think) and I never asked. This meant that at least one or both of them was drunk when they got in. One night (ok, technically morning) they started arguing. This was a loud, screaming-at-each other argument. It started around 2am and since I had to be up at 5am to get ready for work, I didn't appreciate it one bit. About a week later (a few days before I moved out) they had another argument. Loud, and screaming, and hurling insults. This argument started around 2am, and they were still going at it when I left for work at 6am. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. This argument seemed to be about who could hurt each other the most. Still, there were moments that almost made me smile. Here are some actual lines from the argument:

spoken (yelled) by woman - "I gave up so much for you! I gave up my boyfriends and my best dog and my lesbian girlfriends for you!"

spoken by man - "I was so faithful to my first wife! At least up until the last year!" (Perhaps that was why it was the last year?)

spoken by woman, who actually owned the mobile home - "I'm moving back to Florida tomorrow! And I'll leave the mobile home to Lance! You don't deserve it!" (Too bad she didn't actually do it - I could have used a mobile home.)

I even asked asked the guy the next day if I owned the mobile home. He gave a sad laugh and said something like, "No, not yet anyway." The couple said frequently that I was the best roommate they had had, but that was just because I didn't steal anything from them.

Sooo...I found an apartment the next day and signed a lease. It was on a Wednesday and I figured I would pack and move in a day or two, or maybe over the weekend. So, that night I got back to the mobile home about 8pm. It had been quite awhile since lunch and I was really hungry. As I walked through the living room I stepped around a very wet spot on the carpet which I knew was dog pee. As I was making a couple of sandwiches, one of the dogs trotted into the kitchen and started pooping on the kitchen floor about 5 feet from me. I decided that was enough, and I moved out that night. (By the way, one of my passwords where I work is Ihatedogpee!)

So...now I am in an apartment, and I don't have to step around any more animal fluid. I never did get my $200 deposit back, by the way. I suppose I could take them to small claims court, but since I didn't sign anything, I don't know if I have a case. I guess I could threaten to do it, and see if they cough up the money. (I do call them occasionally, and see if they have it. Hopefully they feel at least a little bit guilty about it?) Since neither of them worked, I have no idea how they survive. Maybe by taking in suckers like me.

So, while there are parts of my life that I am very unhappy with right now...I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I am so glad I don't have to live like that. I am so glad my wife and I never screamed at each other like that. I am glad the heat works. Mostly, though, I am glad I don't have a dog.

Hey Lance,

Sounds perfectly wonderful. This is the "Lies, All Lies" thread, right?

I looked up the Ohio statutes on security deposits. It is very similar to Massachusetts. Bascially, the landlord has 30 days to return it to you. If they don't, you take them to court and (if I am reading it correctly) you would get the money back, plus damages in the amount of the money owed you plus reasonable attorneys fees. You probably could take them to small claims court after the 30 days is up, but you'll have to figure if it is worth your while.

I'll copy the actual statute below. One thing you would have to do is to provide them in writing with your forwarding address. (if you don't do that, you don't get the damages) And when you write to them, you can mention the statute "Ohio Revised Code Title 53 Chapter 5321.16" and that if they don't pay you, they could be liable for the security deposit and damages.

5321.16 Procedures for security deposits.


(A) Any security deposit in excess of fifty dollars or one month’s periodic rent, whichever is greater, shall bear interest on the excess at the rate of five per cent per annum if the tenant remains in possession of the premises for six months or more, and shall be computed and paid annually by the landlord to the tenant.

(B) Upon termination of the rental agreement any property or money held by the landlord as a security deposit may be applied to the payment of past due rent and to the payment of the amount of damages that the landlord has suffered by reason of the tenant’s noncompliance with section 5321.05 of the Revised Code or the rental agreement. Any deduction from the security deposit shall be itemized and identified by the landlord in a written notice delivered to the tenant together with the amount due, within thirty days after termination of the rental agreement and delivery of possession. The tenant shall provide the landlord in writing with a forwarding address or new address to which the written notice and amount due from the landlord may be sent. If the tenant fails to provide the landlord with the forwarding or new address as required, the tenant shall not be entitled to damages or attorneys fees under division (C) of this section.

(C) If the landlord fails to comply with division (B) of this section, the tenant may recover the property and money due him, together with damages in an amount equal to the amount wrongfully withheld, and reasonable attorneys fees.

Effective Date: 11-04-1974

Thanks for the ammo, Quis! And sad to say...The above was a work of nonfiction.

Oh, um, Quis..I live in Kentucky, not Ohio. I am only a few miles from Cincinnati, but...wrong state...sorry.

Don't take this the wrong way, Lance, but I really enjoyed reading about your mobile home misadventures. You could very well be the Charles Dickens for a new generation.

Also, your story confirms my theory that craigslist is actually a portal to hell.

Glad you got out.

Lance, I looked up Kentucky's law on security deposit. It really didn't say anything about how to go about getting it back or how long til the landlord has to give it back. What I did find basically sayss that the landlord has to put the security deposit in a bank account, and has to sign (along with you) a list of damages to the apartment (or in this case room) before you moved in and a seperate lisst when you moved out. If the landlord does not do this, he/she is not allowed to keeep any of the security deposit.

It wouldn't hurt to put the request for the security deposit in writing and mail the letter with return receipt. If you decide to pursue the matter. You can refer, in the letter, to Revised Kentucky Statutes Annotated Section 383.580

I have to say that the Massachusetts and Ohio statutes regarding security deposits are much clearer than Kentucky's

Thanks again Quis!

Ram Boy, I can look back now and laugh. It wasn't nearly as funny then. And thank you for the kind words!

And that's exactly how Kentucky rednecks like it.

(...from someone who lived 40% of his life in Kentucky....)

lance, it sounds like your former landlords might be distant relatives of my current co-workers. (Some of them, anyway.)

Glad you managed to make your escape, and hope you get your money back.



<span style="font-size: 11px;">Oh, and Ram Boy is definitely correct about Craigslist.</span>

Cleome, if that is true, then I feel very sorry for you. Big hug sweetie, and thanks for reading my story and for the good wishes.

Having nothing in writing may not go against you, they'd still have to come into court and say their side, and typically they admit all you need to win your case-- simply that you did in fact pay a security-- because they don't know better. At that point they have to either prove they did give it back or justify why not.

Then they give reasons why they shouldn't have to give the money back that either don't hold up legally, or would if they documented them but they of course didn't document them because they're not true.

The real problem is whether they have the money to give back at all. You have to ask yourself if it's worth the time in court just to make their lives more miserable. If they don't have the 200, and it sounds likely they don't, it's not worth getting the judgment against them unless it will bring you great satisfaction in and of itself.

Though I suppose it's worth checking if a judgment would allow you to put a lien on the mobile home.

It is worth pressing the issue a bit by letters and phone. Persistence tends to win if anything will, and it's cheaper than court in time and money. If you can stay friendly while doing it, it looks even better if you do eventually decide to go to small claims court, and by then you'll have documents showing you tried, and that they didn't deny your claim. Or if they do deny you ever paid a security (or that they even know you at all) at least you'll know what you're up against.

Another benefit to staying friendly is that if they DO have it, or come across a minor windfall one day, one of them might just be willing to send you the money just to piss off the other. But that won't happen if they're mad at you too.

When I typed that last post I had only read this page. Now that I've noticed there are three pages before this, I'm caught up, and just wanted to add best wishes, and sorry it's been so painful.

Thank you for the good wishes, Shining Son! Actually, I am not sure about their financial situation.

Let's think about this: they have the money to feed at least 4 dogs and 2 cats. I know the female owns the mobile home, and the man owns a house elsewhere. He shut up the house to live with the woman. (I have no idea why they live in the mobile home instead of the house - maybe the guy didn't want animals peeing on his floor?)

The pertinent questions are:

1) Do I really need the money? Well, yes, I do.

2) Could they come up with it if I pushed a little? Yes, I think they could. They have assets and seemed to go out in the evening a lot, and that costs money. I didn't mention this, but while they didn't have cable, they did have a 44" flatscreen tv and a DVD/blu ray player (as well as a lot of DVDs) and a Wii. So yeah, I think they could actually come up with the money without too much trouble.

Conclusion: I think I will try a little gentle pressure, and see what comes of it.

One final point of interest: The lady owned the mobile home, yet when I moved in, I made the check out to the man. I have no idea how that affects things.

Thanks again to everyone for their pleasant thoughts and well wishes. Reading the pleasant responses to my postings has brought me more comfort and pleasure than you can imagine.

Let me just say again, that if you do write to them, make sure you send the letter registered with a return receipt (and keep a copy of the letter you write). This would be your proof that you did send them a letter requesting the security deposit back and that they received the letter.


Them: Gee your honor, we never got a letter requesting the security deposit back.

You: Excuse me your honor, but I have here the return receipt for the letter I sent, showing that they did receive it.

Oh I had no doubt that you need the money, the point was questioning if the effort is worth it if you won't get the money anyway.

I also had no doubt that they spent money all the time, and that was precisely why I was reasonably sure, given everything else you said, that they wouldn't have more than 50 bucks in a bank account ready to be attached legally. I hope you're right that they do actually have enough that its easier to to give you the money than it is to deadbeat you and put up with your reminders and/or legal action and followup collection.

My best guess as to what it means that you made your check out to the man is that they've been through this before (or have been instructed by someone who has) and at least have learned that they should have the business dealings officially and only through the person who doesn't own the mobile home, therefore you can only sue him, and can't take the mobile home from her. If that's the case, the house he shut up is probably worth even less than the mobile home, if anything.**

But that's assuming some intelligence or craftiness. There may be a totally silly reason instead. They may just be nuts. Which means this process could be endlessly frustrating for totally different reasons.

I hope you succeed, whether through a lack of evil on their part, or some uncharacteristic usefulness of the legal system in your neck of the woods. Yeah, I'm a cynic, but always hope right wins out, and toward that end I hope you persevere, but not if it costs more than you win. I can't wish that for you. You've been through enough.

**(Here in NYC, it's typical to talk to your landlord for years and then if you ever have to sue him, you find out that your real landlord is his wife, and everything is in her name. Therefore all the promises he made you were not binding on her.)

My Story

I am sure many of you have wondered just what happened to my marriage. It is a long story. The main reason for my current separation, I suppose, was the breakdown of communication over several years. No one had an affair, there was no domestic violence, and no fighting or screaming. It certainly wouldn't make a good movie-of-the-week.

Here, then, is the story of the failure of my marriage. I hope you learn from it.

I'll give some backgound first. My wife and I married in 1997. I moved to the Cincinnati area and got a job at a radio station here. In 2004 my job was downsized, and I became a stay-at-home dad. I didn't really want to be a stay-at-home dad, but my wife makes very good money and after the costs of day care, it seemed like a reasonable plan. Besides, I wanted my kids to be able to play at home after school and during their days off school. When you also consider the "hassle factor" and how much more flexible it made our schedules, it seemed like a good idea. I still am glad I did it.

Also, my wife has been in therapy for several years for sexual abuse she suffered from a neighbor boy in her youth. I have never really pressed her for much information about these incidents, and she (understandably) didn't volunteer much.

Maybe I should have asked more questions. Perhaps I would have learned how to deal with my wife.

Here is one thing I didn't know how to deal with: sometimes, especially early in our marriage, I would tell my wife very personal things. She would sometimes tell me, essentially, that my feeling were just wrong. Then, to make matters worse (for me) she would call her mom and discuss what I had told her. There are some things that simply aren't meant to be shared! Still, like a coward, I never confronted her about it. I just stopped telling her my secrets.

In the year 2000, my wife became pregnant with our first child. At some point during the pregnacy, she snapped at me. I mean, very bitchy, bite-my-head-off snapped at me. I thought it was just hormones and the pain she is in, so I just took it. Unfortunately, this established a pattern that did not end after she gave birth. Many times over the next several years she would verbally attack me. These incidents were most common when we were around her parents. I really don't understand why this is. She always yearned for her parents approval (especially her father's,) so I suppose putting me down was her way of showing her parents that she cared more about them than me. That's just speculation; I still don't fully understand it.

Another thing about my wife that I just don't get is: she has to be right all of the time. If something goes wrong, she has to have someone to blame. That someone was almost always me. Here is an example:

Several years ago there was at least three incidents where clothes were getting lost. My wife, on each occasion, absolutely bit my head off. She would yell at me, saying things like: "You're the one doing the laundry! How can you be losing all these clothes!" In each case, I didn't know where the missing clothes were. It could have been my fault, so I just tried to find them. (My wife also looked for them; she just had to have someone to blame first.) The thing is, in each case, my wife was the one losing the clothes. This stands to reason, I suppose; I am fairly organized, while my wife is a slob. Still, even after each time when it was discovered that my wife was the culprit, I held my peace.

As you can imagine, these incidents made me feel awful. I never yelled back at her, though. I guess I should have, even though I have never been very confrontational. I never wanted to fight, and in 14 years of marriage, I can't say my wife and I ever had a fight. I did get very angry about it, though. I never showed her the anger - I just suppressed it. Of course, this had consequences.

Several years ago, I started having what I called anxiety attacks. (They weren't.) The best way I can describe them is this: Imagine you are sitting somewhere quiet. Everything is calm and serene, and you close your eyes. Then, someone sneaks up on you with a baseball bat. They start to swing the bat directly at your face. When the bat is perhaps a foot from your face, you open your eyes. What kind of reaction do you have? You yell, and put your hands to your head, of course. That is exactly what was happening to me. It would sometimes happen several times in a day. Other times, I would go several days without such an incident. These episodes would happen only when I was feeling frustrated or angry.

My wife suggested on several occasions that I seek therapy for my problem. I refused each time. Honestly, I had a very low opinion of therapy. I thought therapists were just quacks who thought everyone needed therapy so they could get a paycheck. Or maybe I was just too proud to admit that I needed help with a problem. (I have since sought therapy for my problem - I hold therapy in much higher regard now.)

Over the past few years, my wife and I both knew that our marriage was not in good shape. She suggested that we seek marriage counseling. I really didn't want to do it, because of my views on therapy. I did tell her, though, that if she set up the marriage counciling that I would go. She knew I didn't want to go, though, so she never set it up.

What I didn't realize was how much anxiety I was causing my three children. These episodes were causing them much distress, and I couldn't see it. Everyone in my home was becoming more and more unhappy. In fact, these episodes weren't even the worst part. On one occasion, I became so angry I slammed down a chair and broke it. Another time I hit a wall hard enough to leave a dent in the drywall. On another occasion during one of my "attacks" I yelled the phrase "fucking whore!" I had no idea why I was yelling such an expletive. I avoid using such language because...well, I just don't use it. Typically. Clearly (in hindsight) I was becoming more and more emotionally disturbed. I needed help, but couldn't see it.

Just so you know, I never once hurt my wife or kids physically, or even threatened to.

Then came Halloween 2011. My wife took the kids trick-or-treating, and I sat outside our home giving out candy. (We live in the suburbs and between 100 and 150 kids stop by on Halloween. One of those kids was a young girl, perhaps 14 years old, wearing a Robin costume. (as in Batman and) Later that night, I made a very crude joke right here on Legion World about her. I typically don't go for locker room humor, but for the sake of making a joke, this time I did. The comment was vulgar and tasteless and frankly, not even funny. (Don't look for it - I have since deleted it.) The problem was, at some point I left this comment up on our computer at home, and my wife saw it. She then looked through the history folder on our computer, and found out that I would occasionally wisit a pornographic web site. (This was straight adult porn, by the way, not kiddie or gay porn.) I fully realize how irresponsible this was; any of our kids could have easily found it. I am still quite ashamed of this.

So, the stage is set. On Thursday, November 10th, my wife didn't seem to be getting ready for work very quickly. I asked her if she was going to work from home that day, and she said she was thinking about it. That wasn't unusual, so I though nothing of it. A few hours later, there was a knock at the door. It was my wife's parents. They live a little over 2 hours away in Columbus, so this came as quite a surprise. Well, it was a surprise to me, anyway. I was putting away laundry, and my wife came to talk to me. She said she needed a break. I didn't really know what was going on. At some point she said she could tell the kids I was going to stay with my dad for a few days. A few days. After some discussion, I said fine. I packed a bag (enough for a few days) and I left. I thought it was just for a few days. I had no idea when I left that day that I might be leaving for good.

I went to a fairly cheap hotel. The next day, my kids called me. My 7-yr-old daughter told me that she was going to get to go to day care. (what the?!) After I had spoken with my children, my wife talked to me. She said the reason everything happened so suddenly was that her therapist told her that I had to leave the home or she (her therapist) would have to report me to Child Protective Services. (This was because I had made a sexual joke about a 14-yr-old girl.) As you can imagine, I was devastated.

So now we are separated. I have sought therapy for my issues. My therapist and I have had some nice sessions. My so-called anxiety attacks were caused by a number of things:

1) My repressed anger
2) I had no social activities outside the home. I felt so trapped.
3) I felt like this was how my life was, and was always going to be. It was never going to get better, and I felt like my life was over.

I was sinking deeper and deeper into a state of depression, which I seem to have pulled out of. That's what my therapist said, anyway. I didn't feel depressed, but then, I don't seem to know much about emotional issues.

So what next? Well, I had to find a job, fast. I now have a job (which I hate) and am looking for a better one. I also found a therapist to help me figure out my issues. The therapy was eye-opening and I wish I could afford to keep going, but I just can't right now. I started a regime of self-improvement, including working out and going to church. Still, every time I go to the house to visit, my wife treats me like I have bubonic plague. I really don't understand it at all.

I also had a nice long talk with Child Protective Services. It turns out the therapist's threat is essentially empty. CPS works just like you would think - if there is an allegation of abuse, they investigate. If circumstances warrent, a child can be removed from the home. In our case, though, there wasn't even an allegation of abuse, since I had doen nothing illegal. This means CPS would...do nothing. (I wish I knew more about the law - I would love to sue the therapist.)

So..what do I think now? Sometimes I think my wife was entirely justified in asking me to leave the home. Other times, I wish she had just set up therapy for me and told me if I didn't go I would have to leave. That's what I would have done, anyway. I miss my kids terribly. I miss my wife, too. I still love her, even though she has her flaws. Who doesn't?

I feel much better about myself as a person now. This is due to one thing - I am confronting my issues, not pretending they don't exist.

Still, I am extremely lonely. I hate just about every aspect of my life now, and I don't know what to do about it, other than to take things a day at a time and keep trying to improve my life.

Now, pay attention here. If you are in a relationship, tell them how you feel. This is something most grade-schoolers figure out. I never got it, though. And I am an object lesson of what happens when you don't.

I don't know what to say, lance. I applaud the courage it took to post this. I also applaud your courage in admitting your own mistakes and making positive changes to correct them. I hope your wife continues to do the same.

Sounds like you're on your way to a much better life. Wish the road were easier, but there you are.

Thank you for sharing this with us Lance, it must have difficult to put so much of yourself down on page, and even harder to actually push that reply button.
Don't let yourself get too lonely, we're here on the board for you and if you need to hear a friendly voice you have some of our phone numbers.

I really hate that after all this you're in a job you hate, looking for a new one in the worst economy since the Great Depression, so I'm just going to go right ahead and point out that there's such a thing as alimony, and it would seem she owes you some. I'm sorry to suggest that if you're still looking to reconcile.

At the very least, while you're still married, you might be covered for therapy under her medical insurance.

SS, Kentucky does have alimony, only it is called maintenance. Of course, it also has child support. Honestly, if I end up getting divorced, I have no idea what kind of settlement/payments I am looking at. I need to talk to a lawyer who specializes in family law, but there is just no way I can afford that right now.

The toughest thing right now is the loneliness. I work second shift, and there aren't too may activites that start at midnight. This also means I only get to see the kids on weekends, since they are in bed by the time I get off work.

Shift work makes most people depressed and lonely, hope you get away from that soon.

I don't see how you could be required to pay child support if you were not the provider in the marriage. Not that the law or the judge is guaranteed to make any sense.

You might look around for some charity or government agency that offers a free social worker, they are supposed to be able to find help for people that's either free or low-cost.

Being a man you probably would like to avoid charity, but it wouldn't do anyone any good to turn down help that can put you in a position to be a happy family member again, whatever form your family is taking. And once you're back on your feet you can always pay it forward.

BTW, why does it say Cincinnati at the bottom of your post?

yow! best wishes. I have had my share of depression issues (and still do), and just sharing them, talking about them, can be the hardest part. So give yourself credit for that.

I have no experience with the specifics you describe (save for times of work with no meaningful socializing), so I will not pretend to be able to chime in there, except to suggest a support group or even a MeetUp group for socialization.

Best of fortunes. It may well be a hard road ahead, but you've begun the journey, and just starting to move can be the most daunting.

Come to think of it, maybe Family Court has a social worker available, or can at least point you to one.

Lance. Amigo, you are a brave person, believe it or not. Lots of people in your situation just give up and give in. It sounds like the best thing that could have happened to you, I have to say. You've started a program to help yourself. Now, get out of the apt/house/ whatever and meet people. Shift work makes it difficult, but there are still many things and places you can go. If you are in a city, start going to museums. Find charity work to do. Anything to get out and meet people. find a group therapy session like AA if you can to help yourself. Heck, if you have a degree, look around at some local colleges and see about becoming an instructor in your field.

And stay in touch here. The internet puts up a certain amount of space and disembodiment, but this place has had a certain something for years.

Oh, and get a punching bag and some gloves. You can get them pretty cheap at places like kmart. It gives you a great outlet to vent, provides some excercise, increases endorphins which elevates your mood, and gives a workout that can get you into shape. (Ladies like that) But, most importantly, stop riding the guilt train.

everybody. And I mean everybody, has inappropriate thoughts or ideas at some point in life. What matters is the actions you take. A crude joke does not a monster make. acting on it would, and it sounds like that is not the case. Stop beating yourself up, sounds like there are plenty of other people in life that are willing to do it. It's an old saying, but it's true. No one else is gonna like or respect you until you like and respect you ( on a deeply personal leveland intimate level. But we all like you here).

Hardest lesson in life I ever learned was not feeling guilty for things I had not deserved to feel guilty over. But, you have to do just that.

Good luck and keep in touch here.

Lance,

As far as child support goes, basically both you and your wife fill out income statements. That gives your adjusted monthly combined income. From that, it is determined what the monthly child support is based on the table. That amount is then split between you and your wife in proportion to your incomes. So, for example, if you and your wife made an adjusted monthly income of $5,000.00, the child support for all three kids would be $1,257.00 a month. Now say of that $5k, you contribute $2k & your wife contributes $3k, Then your wife would have to pay 60% of the child support & you would have to pay 40%. Here is a link to the Kentucky statute http://www.lrc.ky.gov/KRS/403-00/212.PDF

If you are not already doing so, I would suggest sending some money for the kids before there is a court order. Keep receipts of everything you do buy for your kids.

There is free legal info on the web. It should give you a rough idea about your rights and responsibilities. The best thing is if you and your wife can reach your own agreement. Give yourself and her sometime before you do any legal stuff, if possible.

Good luck with the search for a better job. I'm in job search mode right now. It's tough, frustrating, & depressing. I know lots of therapists offer sliding scales. You might also want to look into whether Kentucky offers medical insurance and if you qualify.

Lance, you sound like you're able to see your situation with clearer eyes, and that's a great start. I've walked with several friends in similar situations, and I can attest that things can get better than you might now even imagine. It won't be quick, and there will ups and downs, but it will happen.

You mentioned going to church. I hope it's one where the folks know the experience of grace and can give you the space and support you need to heal. There may be a group of guys there who can look out for you, handle your emotional spins, and won't let you wallow in self-pity. If you don't find that at your church, just keep looking around like the wise friends above have recommended. Help can come from surprising places.

We're on your side.

Thank you. Thank all of you for reading my very long post and for your input. I know this has to be the most depressing thread on Legion World, but to be honest, you guys are some of the closest friends I have. I have a few friends, but I don't get to see them very much. Not to sound needy, but I look forward to reading posts to my comments so very much. I really appreciate it.

Actually, it was very easy to post my troubles. I have accepted responsibility for my part in the breakdown of my marriage. I don't think my wife has. I think it is more important for her to have someone to blame for her problems than it is to try to find a solution - especially if finding the solution means she might have to blame herself for something. Me, I am trying to move forward and make a better life for myself.

I actually got a phone call today about a job. It would be working in a hotel, but I have done that before and would like it better than the job I have now. We'll see what happens.

SS, it says Cincinnati at the bottom of the page because I live just a few miles from there, just across the river in Kentucky.


Rick, I am not one to give in. I like the punching bag idea. I have, though, been regularly working out at the Y at least 3 times a week. Also, I don't feel guilty. I am getting more and more angry over the situation, though, which is why I felt the need to "talk" about it here.

LT, the pastor of the church has become almost a friend. We seem to get along great. He has met with me onseveral occasions to talk. And yes, there are some good people there. There is one very sweet and pretty lady who is so nice to me. Now, she is married (in her mid 30s I guess) and has several kids, but still, very cute and so nice to me. I found out a few days ago she used to be a Ben-Gal - that's a Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader. Ya never know about people.

Also, yes, I think I am seeing the situation clearly. Actually, I think I am the only one around who even undertands the problems between my wife and me. I don't know if that is clarity or conceit.

Quis, I was a stay-at-home dad for seven years. My wife makes about $80,000 a year. If I make $25,000 this year I will be lucky. I doubt if I would (or could) pay much child support. I just want my life back. By the way, Quis, since I am not living at the house (which is in both our names) is there any kind of time limit where the house would just revert to her since I am not in residence? Thanks!

I really wish you guys could come over and help me kill a case of beer or two. Or three.

Lance,

I'm glad to hear things are looking up, and I'm confident they will continue to get better. Thanks for sharing with us; it means a lot that you trust us with such intimate details of your life.

Re your wife and kids, I applaud how you still love and care for them despite everything. Have you told your wife all about this? Really, if she knew how awful you felt in the past she'd think twice about treating you like you had the plague!

You should congratulate yourself for never hurting or threatening your family even while you had those anxiety attacks. It can be so easy to lose control during one.

You're a strong man, lance. Keep it up, we'll cheer you on!

^okay, I posted the above before I read your latest post, so I shall post a postscript!

Lance, I've been in situations before where I've been totally angry because the other party/parties don't seem to be accepting any responsibility for their actions. It can be infuriating! In one instance my anger over that lasted almost a year.

I wonder how much of your anger at the situation is because of that. Do you imagine you'll get a chance to tell her all about it now? I think that even if she doesn't wise up, it may make you feel better to have tried. Then again, sometimes just writing a letter (and not sending it) can help.

Would love to share a beer with you too - this is the sort of thing that's great to discuss with a group of buddies over alcohol (and I know it's rare outside the Philippines, but with lots of nachos and meat!)

Now I want nachos.

*Sends lance some nachos with homemade taco beef, pickle relish, homemade salsa, molten mozzarella, and yogurt (healthy sub for sour cream*

Thank you! Wait...no olives? I don't like you anymore...

Drat! Almost had it perfect

Ha! Ok, I forgive you. Well, maybe. I do love olives...

If I pop over with a box of olives, will you buy me a beer?

One beer? If you pop over from the Philippines, I think I'll spot you at least a case.

Wait a minute - a box of olives? Olives come in a box? I don't think I have ever seen that. I thought they just grew 'em in the jars. IB, this got me wondering about how the pimentos get in the olives, and I learned a lot about olives here:

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview/id/46892.html

Maybe I need to start a new thread - All About Olives? Nah, wouldn't want Legion World to crash because of all the posts that would get...

Regarding the child support, based on what I read in the statute, it is not a matter of who makes more, you are both responsible for child support, but in proportion to what you make. There is also a part about if you quit your job to try to get out of paying child support. Basically, you can't. But I don't think that would be something you would do. And child support won't be enforced unless either you or your wife go to court for either child custody or child support.

Regarding the house, Your name stays on the deed until you either sell your share or die (or the bank forecloses or the city takes your house because you didn't pay your property taxes). You living there or not living there has no bearing on the matter. Just think about all those property owners who don't live in the house they own, but rent it out. Their names don't get taken off the deed. However, with your name on the deed, it means that you are responsible along with your wife for paying the property tax. If the house is mortgaged and both your names are on the mortgage, you are still responsible for that too along with your wife.

Thank you Quislet!

Lance,

I know that even though you are getting on with your life, you aren't looking to divorce or haggle over child custody/support right now. But if your wife does initiate any legal proceedings, it may be possible for you to get pro bono legal service. Pro bono can either be free or a reduced rate. Here is a link to contact info for groups in Kentucky who do pro bono work http://kyjustice.org/probono

You may also want to check (if you need to) with any law schools in the area to see if they have any programs to have a supervised law school student assist you.

Decisions, decisions...

I might have a decision to make. I had a job interview last week, and it went really well. The only sticking point was the salary, and I am supposed to hear back to find out if they have sweetened the pot any. Here is my problem, and I really would appreciate any advice you could give.

Currently, I work at a company called Convergys. Convergys has a contract with ATT, and I do ATT tech support. So, what I do is answer phones all night and troubleshoot peoples' problems with their phones, internet, and cable. The job only pays 10 bucks an hour, though, but Convergys is a huge company with hundreds of offices around the world, so opportunities for advancement within the company are not that tough to come by. At least, so they tell me. The problem is, I hate the job. I hate it. Every day before work my stomach ties itself in knots and I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. What do I do? I pack up my lunch and go to work. I still have perfect attendance so far.

Lat week I had an interview for a job at one of the local Marriot hotels. It would involve working at the desk and doing some night auditing. I have done this work before, and I liked it just fine.

So, the question is, if Marriot offers me a job with a comperable salary, what do I do? I have tried to list the pros and cons of each job.

Let's start with the pros:

Convergys:

1) Likely opportunities for long-term advancement

Marriot:

1) Marriot is also a big company, so advancement certainly isn't out of the question.
2) I would like the job a lot better, I think.
3) While working as night auditor, I would be the manager on duty. Having "manager" on one's resume seems like it would be a plus. It can't be a bad thing.

cons:

Convergys:

1) I hate it. I really do. I have to put up with so many annoyed and occasionally abusive people that I hate going to work every day. (Poeple calling for tech support are already frustrated and sometimes quite angry.)

Marriot:

2) The advancement opportunities are likely going to be slimmer.


The thing is, I have a degree in computer science which I have never actually used. I know Convergys hires programmers for some of the work they do. If I stay there long enough, my financial future would likely be brighter than if I leave. At least, I think so.

So, I am torn. Do I stay with a job I hate that I think will have better opportunities if I stick it out for awhile? Or do I go to a job that I would like better, but might not have quite the opportunities? Anyone here know the hotel business? Anyone have any advice or insight?

Anyone?

That's a toughie. I am not going to say "do this", because it is your decision to make. And generally when people ask for advice, they have made a decision and just want some validation.

One thing I will ask. What do you think are the actual chances of advancing at Convergy? You might want to ask some of your co-workers whether there is any actual advancement rather than just the prospect of advancement.

Then it sounds like you have to weigh the prospect of advancement with the stress and anxiety.

Yes, that is a toughie.

As Quis said, you've probably already made up your mind or at least are strongly leaning toward one or the other. That said, here are a few scattered thoughts and questions:

Do you really want to advance in a company if you hate the work? By advancing, would you be doing the same thing or similar things? Would you still be dealing with grumpy customers?

And would you be happy doing night auditing for awhile even if you don't advance so rapidly in that company?

Of course, the prospect of advancement and advancement are two different things. The latter may depend on any number of unforeseeable variables, such as getting along with your supervisor, an economic upturn or downturn, potential rivals for advancement, and your satisfaction with the job and/or company. How would you feel about looking for a new job if either opportunity does not pan out? If you were "stuck" in one position or the other, which would you prefer?

At this point in your life, I think you need something to make you happy. You have been stuck in a misery loop, even if you didn't know it. So the choice is the immediate gratification of the hotel, or the possibility of future happiness with the other.

tough choice.

I would be making all of He Who Wanders' points right now, but he saved me some time . So here's the rest of what I have to say:

First of all, don't think TOO hard on this. I mean do think it through, of course, but realize that unless there's some hard and fast thing about the future you can be absolutely sure of, there's no point in picking a slightly more likely maybe over a regular maybe if you hate the former.

And clearly, you do.

As someone who's doing a job he loves, even though in this economy he's a luxury and therefore making 30% less in the last 4 years than before, I have to tell you the world is so much better if you're not hating your job.

If you're happier, you're healthier, and you're a better dad to your kids.

It you had any more reason to expect good things from your current job than you say, it would be different.

I say get the hell out of there. Yes, I'm a stranger on the internet who doesn't know much about you, or the entirety of your situation, but going by all you've presented so far, I have no problem saying there's a clear choice here. There's just not enough promise to make up for the down side of your current job. Also, unless you've actually SEEN someone promoted from within at Convergys, don't even give it much thought, my experience is it's much easier to move up by moving out. Especially in the situation you're in, where moving up would be to a job unrelated to the skills you're currently displaying. Unless you have a great boss who's observant and intelligent, it's not particularly likely.

Plus, if you're really qualified for that possible future position, you can still apply for it even if you're a former employee, as long as you left on good terms (gave enough notice, followed all applicable rules, didn't tell anyone off when leaving...)

In the end you might miss a good opportunity at the place you hate, but life is too short and you have kids to see. And they don't need to see a dad who's entire life except the moments he's with them is horrible, it puts too much stress on those moments to be perfect.

Seriously, haven't you been unhappy long enough?

Thank you all. I am going to bed now. I still need to think more about this.

Actually, one more thing. Yes, I have seen people promoted at Convergys. One of the key things they look for is attendance. They seem to look more for availability, rather than ability.

But...is it worth it? Even the promotions are basically the same job. It would take me years to get a job I might be happy with.

Currently, I am thinking I might take the hotel job, if it is offered. Which I thinnk it will be.

Ah, well, whatever I do, I am sure I'll regret it...

Yes, I am a little bit cynical these days.

Your history (as my own) is a strong force pushing you towards cynicism, but remember that you regretting it is no more definite than is getting a better job at the place you hate.

Dude, PLEASE don't wait years to be happy. A few years is an eternity to kids. You know you'll be happier at the hotel and you know you hate where you are. It sounds like everything else is either so close to equal or so indefinite that it's not worth any extra pain. Even if it was a choice between one you can't stand and can barely stand it would be clear.

But if you're considering all possibilities, here's another one: I don't see attendance being your strong point with all you're going through. You're going to want days off here and there for special occasions with your kids like school plays and emergencies, and god forbid, court dates. That's only going to put you at the back of the promotion line at hated-job. While there's no guarantee, my impression is that hotels are generally more understanding of schedules, and more appreciative of work quality.

If you really hate the job, and Marriott is anywhere comparable in pay, it sounds like a clear decision. But yet nother change in so short a time can be a bit daunting.

Imagine that I am Marriott for a moment. Imagine that I call you up and said, "sorry, but we've given the job to someone. Else." how does that make you react? Is it relief? Disappointment? Maybe that helps...

Anyway, good luck with your decision.

If you'd be happy at Marriott, and they're paying you enough to survive on, then taking that job seems like the right thing to do.

Kent makes a good point that change itself can be off-putting, especially after your recent upheavals. Try very hard though to recognize a change for the BETTER, and don't turn away from it just because it's change.

Instead focus on not having your stomach in knots every morning. You don't just say you hate your job, you repeat it immediately:

"I hate the job. I hate it."

You are overwhelmed with anxiety every morning at the mere thought of going to work!!!

You used to be a stay at home dad and repress how unhappy you were and look where that got you. How could it be any better to go to work and do the same thing?

You guys are making a lot of sense. I really wasn't leaning towards one job or the other, but I do appreciate your input.

I think I will take the hotel job, if it is offered, and I am 90% sure it will be.

In other news, I called my wife tonight, and we had a pleasant conversation. It was nice. It even gives me hope.

And if for some reason the hotel job falls through, keep applying at other hotels. Or anything else you might not hate.

Thanks for the advice, SS. If I ever get to New York, I'm buying you lunch.

Putting something in my mouth to get me to stop talking?

1) I have no idea how to respond to that. I tried to think of something clever, but they all seemed too dirty or too gay, so I'll just pretend I'm distracted by something else.

2) I didn't mean to seem insensitive to everyone else. If I ever meet any of you (who have all been so wonderfully supportive!) lunch is on me. Not literally.

3) I did call the hotel today. It turns out there was an ad so there are many people applying. (I applied a few months ago and they pulled my application and called me.) The position is nowhere near as certain as I thought. Still, I will keep looking for something else.

Thanks again to everyone for your concern.

You would have had to work pretty hard to be too gay for me.

I thought there might end up being more competition than you thought for the hotel job, if only because there's SO MANY people out of work. But it's just a numbers game, the more you apply, the more likely one of them will happen to pick you out of the qualified applicants.

But the fact that they called you first means your resume must be decent, so keep sending it out, or dropping it off, whatever you do with resumes these days.

Sometimes, the strangest things happen...

I interviewed for the hotel job awhile back. The lady who interviewed me was named Lorraine Sanz. The interview went extrememely well. I had never met her before the interview. Then, a few days later...

I was at the house, watching the kids while my wife did some volunteer work at the Catholic church. My oldest son (almost 11) gets a call from a boy in his class. They are supposed to be working on a project for school that day. He gives me the phone so I can talk to the boy's mother. I take the phone, and I hear a voice, "Hi! Lorraine Sanz here!"

It took me a few seconds. I immediately wondered how she got my home number (where I don't live) and why she was calling on a Saturday morning. Then I realized, her son was my son's partner for the school project. I spoke to her a bit, then I said, "Ms. Sanz, do you know who I am?"

She was silent a moment and I told her that I was the person who had interviewed with her a few days before. We both had a good laugh and I said, "Well, I don't mean to be pushy, but maybe this is fate!" She laughed as well, and we both thought it was quite bizarre.

I'm glad life still throws me the chuckles sometimes.

So it seems from the Chicago meetup thread that you got the Marriott job? Or at least *a* Marriott job.

I did indeed get the Marriot job. My understanding was there were about 150 candidates, and they picked me. So, I work at the front desk and as a night auditor now.

One funny part is - I was at a nearby Hampton interviewing for another hotel job (which was also offered) when I got the call that I was hired for the Marriot job.

It is nice not to dread going to work every day. The job also has some perks - cheaper hotel rates if I travel, and free meals. I also work with some very pretty young ladies, which doesn't hurt. I mean really pretty. It makes me wish I was much better-looking, or much richer, but then, I wish for those occasionally anyway.

This, however, has been a rough week for me personally. My wife's dad never seemed to care for me much. I don't know if it is because I am not Catholic or for other reasons. He took my family (my wife and 3 kids) to Disneyworld this week while the kids are on spring break. It is like he is rewarding my wife for our separation. Or, maybe I am being oversensitive.

The part that hurts is, my wife either turned off her cell phone or let the charge die down. This means, I can't call them. I have tried to call many times to make sure they are ok and see how they are doing. But - I am totally cut off from my kids, and I hate it. Even if her cell battery died, I don't see why she couldn't use one of her parents' cell phones to let the kids call me for a few minutes.

I just don't see how people can be so inconsiderate.

Congratulations on the job, lance.

Although you didn't ask for advice, mine would be to focus on and celebrate the positive. It may take your wife and her family some time to come to terms with what has happened. Even though the separation was her idea, she is probably still hurting. Give her time, and don't assume she's turned off her phone just to spite you.

Oh, and a couple of other things.

I actually did send a letter (return receipt requested) to the people from the mobile home. The guy called me and said he would send some money last week. Then he said yesterday. Then he said he got paid today, and I am supposed to hear from him. I have not yet heard from him today. I seem to be getting stalled, so we'll see what the next few days bring. I actually did talk to the police about taking them to small claims court, so I know what to do if they don't come through.

On to other things. I have asked this before, but - is there anyone out there who would let me call them and talk to them? I am still pretty lonely, would like to have more people to talk to. If this is ok, pm me your number, your name (or whatever you want me to call you) and the times most convenient for you. I still have some numbers from some people, but I know schedules change and just want to be sure my calls would be welcome.

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive, and I hope to see some of you soon in Chicago!

Well, thanks, HWW. You're likely right - they are probably so busy and having so much fun that it is just an oversight. Pretty big oversight, though, IMHO.

If my wife is hurting at all, she is hiding it well.

Ah, well, gotta stop wallowing in self-pity and get out more.

I am SOOOO happy you're out of a job you hate. Isn't it so much better?

Re: Mr. Mobile Home:

1) Write down the date and time he said those things, unless he actually wrote them to you, which of course is better. It is admitting the debt. If he leaves it as a message on your answering machine, bring a tape of it to court. If he hems and haws even for a second when the judge asks if that's him on the tape, they tend to lose their case.

2) is he the one who technically owes you or is it her? I seem to remember that it's her mobile home in which you were living, yet you were making your checks out to him. Well, it's good at least that he's the one saying he'll repay you, but there may still be the issue that he doesn't own the home, if they're being cagey.

If you still get copies of your checks back, and they have "rent" in the memo line, hopefully a rational judge will ignore actual ownership as irrelevant. Your proof shows you paid him, and he admits he owes you. Should be enough.

Good luck, and again, SO F-ING glad you're out of that last job.

Congrats on the Marriot job.

As for the mobile home guy, Shining Son said it all. The only thing I would add is that if you do end up in small claims court, put both of them as defendents.

See if you can get them to go on Judge Judy.

I would avoid Judge Judy because she could shred you too just for misspeaking for a moment, and with all the family stuff you have going, you don't need that to happen to you on TV.

I just called him. He said he didn't get paid today after all, but should get paid Monday. I am being patient, so we'll see.

Good to hear things are starting to look brighter for you Lance.

And being patient about the mobile home situation is good...honey and vinegar and all that jazz

Yes, he doesn't need to know you're recording every phone call, but do record them.

[snip]

First of all, congrats about landing the job you really wanted. (After almost four years of being in Job Purgatory myself, you have no idea how much reading this warms the cockles of my black, shriveled little heart.)

Second of all, don't sell us middle-aged women short. Maybe we're not always the most photogenic, but we can be fun to hang out with anyway. (And there's nothing wrong with asking anyone you're interested in to go Dutch to the movies or whatever. This is the 31st Century, after all! )

I know you're hurting, and I know this is tough.

My mother died shortly before Thanksgiving in 1993. For Christmas that year, my aunt (my mother's sister) wanted to travel as therapy. She invited me to go along, and we flew to Corpus Christi, TX, to get away. Meanwhile, my brother and my dad, who both had to work, stayed home.

Subsequently, my aunt and I were disturbed to find out that my brother and dad did not get together for Christmas. Each stayed home and dealt with grief in his own way. (I suspect each was waiting for the other to pick up the phone, but I never asked.)

There were a lot of emotions surrounding all of us at the time, and a lot of ways, both healthy and unhealthy, to deal with them. Was it wrong for my aunt and me to go on a trip? No, I don't believe so. Should we have felt guilty because my brother and father stayed home alone? No, that was their choice.

I guess my point is, we can't really know what's going through each other's minds. Outward appearances may be deceiving. I don't know you or your family, lance, and I'm not choosing sides. But I know from painful personal experience that it does no good to impute motives to the other person without solid evidence . . . and solid evidence is hard to come by when you're hurting.

I think it's great to make sure you always give the benefit of the doubt whenever you can. I've lived that way most of my life.

I've learned that it's also important to realize when someone frequently and consistently causes you to activate the benefit of the doubt and you need to look carefully to make sure you haven't become an enabler of some sort. At some point, if there's a preponderance of anecdotal evidence, your guard needs to go up.

There's nothing wrong with letting her know that in the future you'd like to be able to maintain contact with your kids during long vacations.

Frankly, if you don't say this, and if what you've told us about her before is accurate, I gather she'd use it as evidence that you didn't care that you didn't speak to them for a week (or however long).

Not necessarily true. Some states make it a crime to record a conversation without the other person knowing. From a quick look, it seems that Kentucky has a one person consent law. Which means that only one party of the telepone conversation neds to consent to the recording. Obviously if lance records the telepone conversation, he is giving consent.

I did talk to her about it today. I told her I was upset that for 6 days I didn't hear from them. She said that her cell battery died, and she didn't realize it. She did say she kept expecting me to call, but wasn't using her cell phone so she didn't know her battery was dead. I told her that I was really worried, since I had no way of knowing if anyting had gone wrong. She didn't have anything to say to that. This conversation was quite civil - no yelling and I tried not to make any accusations or try to place blame.

This wasn't an easy conversation for me. It has always been very hard for me to confront people I care about about things they do that I don't like. Still, I told her how I felt, and I feel better.

It's a start, I suppose.

I don't really have a way to record a conversation. Besides, I think these people are too..um..I don't wanna say stupid, but maybe too...well..I am drawing a blank. I think they are stalling a bit. If they don't come through soon I will tell them I am going to file a claim, and it won't be an empty threat. I suspect they will come through pretty fast once I put my foot down. I am still gonna play softball for now. I am supposed to get my money on Monday. If I don't get it, then we'll try some hardball.

Cleome, I don't have any problem with middle age women. They would be the same age I am, which is a plus. (Recently, Three Dog Night stayed at my hotel, and the young girls didn't know who TDN was.) The thing is, there don't seem to be any middle-aged women that work the front desk. All of the ladies that work the front desk are either over 55 or under 30. They are all great people to work with. Honestly, I have never worked at a place before where the morale is so high.

Now, I am still married, and I am not going to pursue any relationships until my wife and I decide a direction for our marriage. That means, all I can do now with the females is look, and I would rather look at a pretty 23-yr-old than a 60-yr-old. I think they make better "eye-candy." Does that make me an ageist?

Good for you.

Sounds like she's a decent enough person that she realizes she would have felt the same, which is exactly what you want. It's good she wasn't defensive about it, and it means you were probably successful at not sounding as if you were placing blame.

Wow, it’s been a year since anyone posted to this thread!

I stopped updating it because it felt like I was just being “poor little me” boo hoo hoo and seriously, who needs that? My life is still a cesspool sometimes, but whose isn’t? Lots of people have gone through worse circumstances than mine, and I am trying to focus on the positive.

Still, an update seems in order.

So, Lance, where are you now?

Currently I am operations manager for a couple of radio stations in Cincinnati. (Not WKRP, and if I hear that joke again, I am getting out my chainsaw…) It is a job I have done before, and I love it. I often look forward to going to work, especially after a few days off. I feel so useful and productive here.

How did I get this job? Back in December I got an email from the general manager of the stations. He was looking for someone to do operations and he spoke to an employee here who mentioned my name. I got the email on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I called and spoke to him. We set up an interview for Friday. It didn’t take long for me to realize the interview was going to go well, because we spent the first ten minutes talking about comic books. It was a job interview, so eventually the conversation turned to other matters, like science-fiction movies. Anyway, he offered me the job and I started the following Monday. (We did actually talk about the job at some point. I think.)

In the beginning, the job was, well, chaotic. There were 2 people in operations already. One was leaving on the following Friday, and the other was about to get fired, which he must have suspected, since he got a different job during the week I worked with him. He was a great guy, and he did better production (radio jargon for he had a fantastic voice and cut wonderful commercials) than anyone I have ever met, but he wasn’t detail-oriented enough to do operations.

Anyway, the point is, I had a week’s worth of (fairly poor!) training and then I was left to make sure everything ran ok on both stations. I was thrown into the deep end, but, that’s ok, it doesn’t matter how deep it is if you know how to swim. Also, my boss is whiz-bang with all of the software and hardware here, and even though he was on vacation, he was available by email, so I did have a sort of life-preserver.

To make matters more interesting, I knew that one of the stations was about to switch frequencies, and the other station was changing format. Lots and lots of work to do. And I still loved it.

As soon as I got the job here, my wife filed for divorce. Apparently she was just waiting for me to get a better job before she filed.

So what now? I am about to move to a bigger apartment in a better neighborhood so I can have my kids more often. I have the three most amazing and wonderful kids in the world. I have a job I really like. (I also went to a local bar last night and won a round of trivia where the topic was “marine life.” I am amazed how many people don’t know that the blue-ringed octopus has very potent venom. Neither here nor there – sorry.)

So, my life doesn’t suck. It isn’t always sunshine and smooth sailing, but so what? I am trying to make it better, just like all of you are.

Again, my sincere thanks for all of the support I have received here. I mean it. I guess I gave this thread the wrong title after all.

Here’s to better tomorrows for all of us…

Glad to hear things are going well!

Lance, glad to hear things are looking up for you. There's always bad days but you have your kids and us.

Hope things continue to improve for you, Lance.

glad things are going well enough, and hopefully better and better for the future!

Lance,

As you say, things may not be perfect, but they sure do sound better than they were a year and a half ago.

That's wonderful news, Lance! Really glad to hear things are looking up for you.

Good to hear your circumstances are better, Lance, and that you're moving forward. I'm glad you hung on during the tough parts. You done good, friend!

Wait! lance, come back! You can totally borrow MY chainsaw if you want!

[smooch]

Congratulations on the new job and apartment, Doll.

A chainsaw and a smooch?! Good thing I can't blush through the internet....

Great news Lance, I'm happy to hear that things are really starting to go your way

I'd give you a hug, but I don't think you need it!

I'm also glad for the update's cheeriness. Knowing some of the details I think the divorce is a great thing, at least as opposed to the way you were living.

Now I'm just curious, did she wait till you had a better job so you'd handle the divorce better, or so that she'd get more somehow?

Hmmm..I missed a couple of posts here...

Kinetix, I'll take any hugs you are giving whether I need 'em or not. I can always pack 'em away for a rainy day...

Shining, I am certain it was so she would get more. Divorce becomes a "grabbing game" at some point, and that's how she's playing it.

Still, glad everything will be on paper so there will be rules she has to live by.

You and me both, buddy...

Yes, at least this whole thing will soon be finalized. That'll be a big load off your shoulders

Lance, glad to hear things are getting better. I'm sure they will continue to do so!

Lance .... I just want to point out that you've got a great attitude. Your first week of work could have been a hell week to someone with less optimism and passion.

I'm really glad you're doing so well and it seems like all the credit is due to you!

It's inspiring!

Actually - the first week of work was quite annoying. I was being trained by people who didn't seem to have a system for much of anything. Once they left, and I established procedures and checklists and gave things structure, things were much better. I was actually glad to fly solo so I could get things organized.

OCD much, Lance?

Sounds more like survival skills than OCD. But if it was, they're lucky he has it!

Just say the word, honey.

All that organization sounds really fulfilling, and I'm sure they're going to notice how indispensable you are

Ibby, American companies are not very good at recognizing things like that.

Actually, I think it has been noticed. Someone told me that the people at corporate were saying good things about me. I don't know for certain if that is true or not.

Lardy, I might be a little OCD. But here, let me paint a clearer picture. My job is to make sure the stations are on the air with the correct programming. I do quite a few other things, too, but that is the main thing I am responsible for. I work with virtually no supervision. I have people under me, but they are weekenders, and I almost never see them. So basically, I come to work, and I do the stuff I do, and I don't really have to deal with any people - it's just me and the hardware and software and audio editing and stuff. So, whenever I can find more efficient and practical ways to do things, I do them that way. I mean, if you are flying solo, it's best to fly the plane the way that makes sense to you. Besides, doing stuff faster gives me more time here on Legion World.

Now, a couple of the guys I work with, well one is a little OCD and the other guy got in the OCD line at least 3 times.

What is the OCD line?

That was supposed to be a joke, Shiny. I meant when they were handing out OCD, he got in the line 3 times.

I had pictures of the station's cafeteria having lines divided by personality disorder.

If it's a fairly small-sized organization in terms of headcount, I wouldn't be surprised if they did. Congratulations, lance

It's been almost 3 years, and my divorce was final about a month ago. We didn't even go to trial. We actually agreed on a settlement a few hours before we were to go to court. The settlement was reasonably fair, with neither side getting royally screwed.

So how is Lance doing now? Actually, pretty well. I am still at the radio stations - I've been here almost 2 years - and I still love my job and the people I work with.

I still have the 3 greatest most awesome most beautiful (insert any superlative) kids, whom I adore.

I've kind of been seeing this one woman I know. I don't see her much because she lives 3.5 hours away. The funny thing is, when I tell people that, several people have said, "That's perfect!" She and I are very compatible, but with the distance factor it's probably never going to be serious.

There isn't really much else to tell. My life is pretty good, and you guys (and gals!) were so great and supportive when all of this started and I was coming apart at the seams. Thank you for that.

There is one more chapter to come, but I'll tell that when the time comes - likely next year. It isn't something I can talk about now. (I am such a tease.)

I am a better person than I was. I hope none of you ever need advice about divorce, but here are some things I have learned.

1) When in a divorce, do not leave the house until the court says you have to. It just makes your position more difficult. (I got lucky and it didn't hurt me at all. But then, I darn near blackmailed my wife. Ex-wife.)

2) All divorces become a grabbing game at some point. If your spouse even mentions divorce, immediately go hire an aggressive attorney whose goal is to go after the money. You can bet your spouse will do the same, and you have to try to take everything to get your fair share.

3) The kids come first. Nothing in my life is as important - or will ever be as important - as time spent with my kids.

4) Do not believe anything your spouse says. I still can't believe all the lies my wife told me. She would say anything to gain an advantage, or to screw me out of something.

Anyway, I wish for all the best for everyone here on Legion World, and again, my sincerest thanks for the support.

Glad you're happy with how things are going, Lance!

Ok, so I am not on that often, hence, I missed a lot (and by that I mean, all) of this. So, I am sorry about all the bad stuff. GLAD you are doing well. And so happy to see you here!

Lance, glad to hear that things are better now for you. I haven't seen you around as much, like you said, and it was for the best. Love your kids and be here when you like.

It's so very good to hear from you again, Lance. I am glad to know things are going well, and your love for your kids is evident as ever. I am sure they know and appreciate that.

We'll wait patiently for the update next year, but I hope we get to see you around more often too!

I'm glad you're on the better side of so much hard stuff, Lance. It's good to hear from you.

Wow. It's been over 7 years since I started this thread.

7 years ago, I was emotionally devastated. I was lonely and afraid. I've really grown. Then, I needed help. I needed people to lean on. Which is ok; we all do sometimes. I so much appreciate the support I got from LegionWorld members and from others. But I'm not that person anymore.

7 years ago, it felt like my world was falling apart, because it was. Over the course of the next few years, a broken Lance put a life together, one piece at a time.

I guess I'll give an update. I'm not nearly as needy as I was then, and not nearly as willing to share my life with everyone. But I will anyway; it's a good story. And I like telling a good story. There's sex and violence and betrayal and time-travel and dinosaurs and...

Well, maybe it's not quite that good of a story. But I'll try to keep it both interesting and factual.

I'll start by answering a question that seemed so complicated then. Why am I divorced? We got divorced for the same reason that any two people get divorced. There were issues we just couldn't get past. High on that list is my ex-wife's mental illness. This is not to say I do not have my flaws. I know I do. Just ask my ex-wife; she's got a list.

I will always care about her, and about what happens to her. We had three amazing children in common. But sometimes, things just don't work out. But, you know what, I'm still doing great.

Anyway, over the next few days or weeks or months, I'll post some updates. I like telling a good story. I hope you think I'm a good storyteller.

Thanks for the update Lance.

Being a married man myself I can only imagine how devastating the separation and divorce would have been at the time. I am very glad to hear that you are coping so much better.

Keep on keeping on.

Let me take a moment and talk about attorneys. I've discovered that I don't like attorneys much.

Throughout my divorce, and the subsequent modification, I had three attorneys. Attorney #1 had all the aggression of a narcoleptic kitten. It didn't take me long to fire her. Attorney #2 handled the divorce. He later said he could modify the divorce agreement and get me more time with my kids. I paid him to do this. He took my money. Then, he did nothing.

For over two years, he did nothing except lie to me. He would tell me we had a court date coming up. Then, the court date would get cancelled for some reason. Then, he would tell me there was a new court date. That court date would also not happen. This happened several times. So, for over two years, he did nothing but lie to me. I finally wised up and fired him. (I hired attorney #3, who was kind of a friend of mine. Her specialty was not family law. Yet, she had everything finished within six months. Some attorneys actually do want to help people.)

I told attorney #2 that he would pay me back everything I had paid him or I would begin litigation against him, and that I would report him to the Kentucky State Bar. He set up a payment plan. He paid me back some, then the payments got less, and further apart. So, I reported his actions to the state bar. They dismissed the case. Apparently his actions are perfectly acceptable in Kentucky.

He still owes me a couple of thousand dollars. Litigation would cost more than what he owes me. I guess I could try suing him myself, or maybe reporting him to the police? Isn't taking money and doing nothing called fraud? Maybe I can talk to a tv station and see if they want to do a feature on him. I don't know. I'm really not sure what to do next. I don't really see any way to get my money back.

I used to wonder why people told lawyer jokes. I get it now.

Sorry, Dude.

Never fear. Even lawyers tell lawyer jokes.

If we ever meet up I'll bring mr_cleome along so he can relate his misadventures working for a firm full of Scientologists. At least that's over now.

thanks for sharing, Lance. it is nice knowing you have grown, and also nice to understand where you come from

Blaze broke up with me, but I recognize elements of your relationship with your ex-wife in our break up. We definitely still care for each other, but there were some things we could not get past (like me being in Europe, and him returning to Asia for financial reasons)

It’s really great reading your thoughts.

Sure, Cleome, let's meet up and have lunch tomorrow. You're in Oregon (I think) and I'm near Cincinnati, so what say we have a lunch picnic somewhere in Wyoming? I'll bring the deviled eggs...

IB, you're welcome to join is. It's a short drive from Amsterdam...

oh yes, with my fancy new Legion cruiser I can make that trip in no time at all!

With a time bubble, you can be there yesterday!

Love me some deviled eggs! (Don't spare the paprika!) I'll tote along some roast beef sandwiches for mr_cleome.

IB, sorry about the breakup. What treats can I pack for you?

jádore le paprika!!!

aw cleome, you are so sweet. some Bailey's, and we shall drink it together. I'll bring the snacks.

Sweet! I hope Lance has a truck big enough to hold all the goodies.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball...

Actually, that's not the best metaphor. I don't know if I could hit a curve ball, but at least I could see it coming. Let me try again...

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And it's not fair, because you were playing hopscotch. And it throws the ball at you from behind you, which really doesn't matter, because the ball is invisible anyway...

That's more like it.

We get some of those events in our lives. Something else else that blindsides us, that changes how we look at things, that has a profound impact on who we are. There's no way to see it coming, and it changes us. And sometimes, life throws two of those invisible curve balls at once...

My father passed away in 2014. This was not a surprise; his health had been steadily declining. But this set a couple of things in motion that changed who Lance is...

The beginning of this story starts like a lot of stories. There's this girl...

I live in the Cincinnati area, while the rest of my family live in the vicinity of Evansville, Indiana. It's about a 3-hour drive. So, after my dad died, I was in the Evansville area for a few days.

At his visitation, this girl I knew as a kid showed up. Her parents and my parents were fast friends when we were about 12. I had the biggest crush on her, for years. She knew I liked her, but she didn't reciprocate, and she never hurt me. She could have, so easily. We were friends, kind of, but nothing more. Plus, lots of guys had the hots for her. She's always attracted males like manure attracts flies.

We chatted at my dad's visitation for about an hour. We swapped phone numbers, and then she left. I thought that would be the end of it.

The next day, she texted me. And the next day. We actually started having a conversation. Then, a week or so into this, she started expressing interest in me. Let me just say, when your childhood crush starts pursuing you, it is a powerful thing. I soon fell head-over-heels for her. And she for me. I would drive to see her every month or so.

She made me a lot of promises. She swore that it was going to be the two of us. She said she would move to my location in a few years, after her youngest turned 18, and we would get married someday. Month after month she pledged her undying love.

After about a year had gone by, one night she gave me a text break-up. And I just don't get it. I don't understand how someone can make the promises she made and just walk away.

She wouldn't talk to me for a while, which I also didn't understand. I just wanted an explanation. I never got one.

I talked to her on the phone a few years ago. I told her, "You know, you made me a lot of promises." Do you know what her reply was? She said, "Yeah, I know. I don't know why I said all that stuff."

So, she spent a year getting me to believe it was going to be the two of us. And the best explanation she has amounts to, "I don't know what I was thinking."

You know, I can look back at every relationship I have ever had and I have some idea of what happened. But with her, I still have no idea. The only thing I can come up with is that there must be something broken inside her.

I just don't get it. It hurt a lot. I healed. I moved on. But I still don't get it. I likely never will.

Ouch.

I agree that it sounds like something messed up in her. Sounds like it was her problem not yours. Your problem was how to react when you realise that someone you thought you could depend on to love you, you no longer could. Challenging.

In the end the most important person to love us is ourselves.

Glad to hear you have healed and moved on, even if you never understand what was going on inside her head.

Wow. That's messed up.
I get the whole "caught up it it" mode of being in a new thing BUT she does sound like she crossed some lines

Heartbreaking. That sucks

Myg, I do know a few things about her. After all, I've known her since I was a kid.

She has been abused in just about every way that a male can abuse a female. I know she has been abused sexually. I know one of her husbands hit her. I know she was married to a man who would go to work, and not come home - for months. She wouldn't know if he was dead or alive, and would have to scramble to pay the bills. I cannot imagine what this does to someone. She has consistently made very poor choices in matters of the heart.

I understand getting caught up in something as well. But, that usually doesn't last long - certainly not a year. And we weren't children. We were in our late 40s, which is certainly mature enough to know one's own mind.

I am a decent, stable, nice guy. She needed that, She needed it so desperately that she thought she loved me. But I don't think she ever really did.

You know, I started dating a few years ago. Dating past 40 is not like dating in your 20s. There is so much pain. I dated one woman who had been married 20 years. Then one day her husband told her he didn't love her. He said he never had. Three months later, in the middle of an ugly divorce, he had a heart attack right in front of her and died. Here's another one: I went out once with a woman who had been married to a man with depression issues. She told him she couldn't live like that anymore, and wanted out. Within a week he killed himself. And apparently many people in her family blame her.

What do things like this do to people? I hope I never really know.

Those were probably the two worst stories I heard, but I heard several more that were almost as bad. People who are past 40 and single have known betrayal and/or death and have so much baggage. There is so much pain in people.

WOW. Yeah, those are terrible stories.

I'm in a similar boat. I was married for 6 years and then went through a divorce (which was complicated since we got married before it was nationally legal). I've been in a few years of therapy and ready to start dating again (after some failed attempts). At 47, it's a WAY different ballgame than it was before I went into my relationship (when I was in my early 30s).

Either they're 20-somethings with daddy issues or, if they're closer to my age, there's a bunch of damage just on the label. The damage is either more evident or I'm just most likely to take notice of it.

I'm actually WAY more comfortable being solo than I've ever been. But I realize I need to try to date to keep the muscles going... and for that intimacy stuff

That was the lesser of the two curve balls, though. The other was about to make itself known. You might want to sit down for this one...

After my dad's funeral, I came back home to Kentucky. I was still in the midst of my divorce, and I had begun chatting with the woman I mentioned earlier. Life was getting back to abnormal.

My brother had taken charge of cleaning up my dad's estate. That made sense. He lived there, and I didn't.

One weekend I drove there because we were having a major cleaning day. My parents were pack rats. They had so much junk, and almost all of it just got thrown away. Almost all of my relatives were pitching in that day, just to throw crap away and help get the house ready for sale.

When we had finished for the day, everyone left, except for my brother, my sister, and me. My brother told me he had found a letter that Dad had left for us. He had found it while going through my dad's safety deposit box. My curiosity was certainly aroused, although I couldn't begin to guess what my dad had written.

My brother started to read the letter aloud. It went on for several pages, but it essentially said this: My mom couldn't have kids.

Did you catch that? Did you let it sink in a bit? Did anybody see that one coming?

So, there I was at the ripe old age of 48, and my brother and sister and I found out we were adopted. Which, honestly, made a lot of sense. I'm 6'3". Nobody else in my family is over 5'8". We all had different temperaments, different aptitudes, different body types, different...everything. None of my family really had anything in common with each other. My brother and sister and I all had brown hair and eyes, but I'm sure we were selected for that.

So, what did this mean for me? Pretty much...nothing. I was still the same person I was the day before. My brother and sister were still my brother and sister. Everything was just the same as it had been. I describe it as a high-impact moment that means absolutely nothing. It is a somewhat lonely feeling, though. I have kids, but, other than them, I have never met anyone that I'm actually related to.

But it did leave me with some questions. I have my adoption papers. They show I was more than a year old when I was adopted. That means I had another name once. I wonder what it was. I also wonder if I have any brothers or sisters. What's it like to meet someone your own age that you're actually related to? So, I filled out some papers several months ago. I haven't heard back yet.

We'll see what happens.

Whoa
That's a lot

I like your descriptor - "high-impact moment that means absolutely nothing"

I had a friend who unsealed her adoption as an adult (she was presenting with a genetic disease and the doctor suggested she do so to find out what else is in the tree)... it's a lot to take in
Good luck with it!

After some fairly heavy stuff, here's a brief interlude...


I have a teakettle. Now, I don't like tea. I don't like coffee either. I don't even drink soda pop anymore. It's strictly water and cheap gin for me. But I'll always have a teakettle.

I'm sure someone is wondering, "Ok, Lance, Why do you have a teakettle?" I'm so glad you asked!

When I was 4-years-old, my family was visiting my grandparents in Nebraska. My grandmother had a copper teakettle on display on her coffee table. It absolutely fascinated me. It actually looks a little like Aladdin's lamp, although it's clearly a teakettle. (And yes, I have rubbed it and made a wish. Just to be sure.)

At 4 years of age, it captivated me. My mom and grandmother had both admonished me and told me to stop fiddling with it. But I just couldn't stop. (I mean, seriously, what harm was I going to do to a copper teakettle?) But, they made it clear that I could look, but not touch. In fact, they had made it clear enough times that I should have gotten it through my thick head to leave the silly thing alone. But this was beyond the ability of 4-year-old me...

I just couldn't resist touching it. It was so cool! And the lid came off! And you could probably hide cool things inside! And somehow, while examining it, I managed to get one of my fingers stuck in the spout, and I could not pull it loose!

"Lance! Are you messing with that teakettle again?" my mom yelled from the next room. I turned as fast as I could to face her, and I quickly whipped my hand behind my back, the teakettle obstinately clinging to my finger. I tried to block my guilt with my body. "Nope!" I replied, trying to radiate innocence.

Oddly enough, neither my mom nor my grandmother seemed to be fooled. I guess they had x-ray vision, or something. Or maybe they just knew me. Plausible deniability is very difficult to pull off when one's finger is stuck in a teakettle spout.

They came and helped me get the teakettle off my finger, all the while scolding me. It was hard to take their chastisement seriously, because they were both trying not to laugh, and failing miserably. I do remember being embarrassed.

And 50 years later, I still have the teakettle. My mom and my grandmother have both passed on. The teakettle reminds me of them. It reminds me of a time when the worst thing that could happen was to get my finger stuck in a teakettle spout.

It reminds me that even if I think I can get away with something, the guilt will still cling, and I might never be free of it. It reminds me that consequences do follow our actions. I try to be kind and decent and honest. Pinocchio had a cricket to assist his conscience. I have a copper teakettle.

Some people who have visited my home have asked about it, because it seems out of place. It certainly isn't a "guy thing" to have. I just tell most of them it has sentimental value. Very few of them get the whole story. Some memories belong just to me. And now, to you, too...

As intense as these anecdotes are, I have to admit I've also been enjoying your descriptions of your experiences quite a bit.

Great little story. I wish we all had some sort of reminder for our conscience.

I don't really know you Lance but I am finding your tales fascinating.

The one thing I feel I have learnt about you is that you are a great story teller. That can be a tremendous gift all by itself.

Thank you very much for the feedback! I had been hoping that at least a handful of people were both reading and enjoying my chronicles. It's good to know some people are appreciating them!

Welcome home, Lance! Sorry to read about the bad times, but you've come out of it in one solid piece. Good to have an object to re-center you - and a cup of tea never hurts.

Hi Cramer! It's been a day or two!

These stories aren't just about the bad times, but they are about significant events that have happened over the past few years.

2014 was a profitable year for me. My dad died in January. He didn't have a lot of money, but he had a little, plus I got my share of what the house sold for.

Also, my divorce was final in September. How was that profitable? Because she ran the standard divorce playbook. All monies had been moved to accounts in her name only. After the divorce, I got my half of our savings, as well as my share of the equity in the house. Plus, she had to pay me alimony for a couple years.

So, here I was in a two-bedroom apartment with three kids. That was working ok, but it could have been better. Besides, now I had more than enough money for the down-payment on a house, so I went house hunting. In November of 2014. Really not the best time.

It took several months to find what I wanted, where I wanted. Where did I want to be? I wanted to be close to my kids, so I bought a house about 1000 feet from my ex-wife. I have my kids exactly half the time, and there is an enormous convenience factor. What if a kid forgets their homework, or charger cord, or whatever? Walk over to the other house and get it!

I closed on the house a week after the lease ran out on my apartment. This meant I got to move twice, which was just as much fun as it sounds like. (Several people from my church helped. God bless 'em!) I didn't have much stuff, really, so they were easy moves. I told the kids that I was in a hotel, because I was essentially homeless for a week. My youngest (he was 8 then) asked, "Are you a hobo? My dad's a hobo!" He's so funny.

This isn't a big house. But whoever designed it brought the A game. It's a 3-bedroom ranch, with another bedroom in the basement. So, essentially a 4-bedroom. This means every kid gets their own room. I get my own room, too. It has 3 full bathrooms. No more waiting to pee. I have a nice big kitchen with plenty of counter space. I have a ping pong table in my basement. And one of the best parts was, it was a foreclosure, so I got a decent deal on it, maybe 10% off. When you get 10% off on groceries, it's a good day. When you get 10% off of your house, you do a little dance. Maybe a big dance.

The place was filthy, which was good. If it had been pristine, it would have cost more, and I know how to clean.

The kids love it. So do I. It's a small house, really. But it's a palace to me! More than that, it's my home.

I've worked in radio most of my life. I went back to school years ago, though, and in 2003 I got a degree in computer science. I guess it was too soon after the dot-com-bust, because I was unable to find a job then.

I loved my job at the radio stations, but in March of 2018 I was let go from my job. Why? Beats me. I think it was because there is a non-existent document that I could not produce. I'll never know for sure.

Anyway, so, I was unemployed for a bit. That was great for my MarioKart game, but not so good for my bank account. I was asking myself, what the heck am I going to do? Radio is a low paying and volatile industry. I had a nice degree, but no experience in that field. So, what to do?

The solution I finally decided on was to attend a coding bootcamp. Those places are well connected, and they have great placement programs. They have to. Plus, it imprinted my resume with skills relevant to today's marketplace. The important part is, it worked.

I got a job as a software developer. I've been there for a few months now. Look on any list of best careers to have, and you'll probably find software developer near the top.

There isn't much else to say. It's been a long trip, but I'm pretty happy. When I first split from my wife, I was working some crappy jobs, wondering what I was actually good for. I really thought my life was going to be horrible forever. Now, I have a great job with a decent future.

I date some, but I honestly cannot ever see myself in a serious relationship. I'm not saying it can't happen, but I don't think it will.

I get along with my ex ok. She has some pretty serious health issues now. Some people would be very angry for the crap she pulled during the divorce, but it isn't within me to stay angry. I have better things to do with my emotions.

God has been so very good to me. If you don't believe in God, that's ok. Some days I struggle with the idea too. But I still thank Him every day. I'm in a good place now.

I'm glad the job and housing stuff worked out. Quite an up and down journey, my friend

I agree about letting anger go - it's too much negativity to be part of your life. And definitely not good for parenting


And I share your sentiments about serious relationships. As I get older (we're about the same age), I have other things to do/pursue/focus on

You said the magic word, Myg. Mostly, I wanted to show the journey.

Anyone who has read the beginning of this thread knows how devastated I was. Then, I got the job at the radio stations, and things got a lot better, Then, my divorce was final, and things got better. There were bumps along the way, but things got progressively better. This is the story of the worst time in my life to one of the best. It took years, but things are pretty good now.

Now I'm wondering if I'm jinxing myself by saying that...

This whole isolation thing is driving me a bit batty, so I guess I'll share my life with you a little more.

Have you ever asked yourself, and tried to answer, some tough questions? For example, if you were going blind, is there any material possession you wouldn't give up in order to keep your eyesight?

Most people don't ask themselves this sort of question. Why would they, unless they had to? It's disturbing. I had to ask myself something like this, though. You see, a few years ago I was losing my ability to walk...

It started one morning in May of 2015. I was about to turn 50. One morning, I woke up, and both feet were asleep. Just a little, but it was definitely there. It was odd, but I didn't give it much thought. It persisted throughout the day, and into the next day, so I did what you shouldn't do and I used a search engine. I typed in my symptoms, and it spit out every neurological disorder known to man, including leprosy. Then I started to get concerned. I mean, I didn't really think I had leprosy, but I typed in my symptoms and one of the results is leprosy!? Holy crap!

So, I made an appointment with a doctor. He basically said "wait and see." I didn't like that, so I saw another doctor. He said I should get an EMG. (An EMG is where they measure the conductivity of your nerves. They do this by sticking a needle at one end of the nerve, sticking another needle at the other end of the nerve, and running a current though the nerve to see how well it conducts electricity. They do this 15 or 20 times. It's just as much fun as it sounds.) The doctor who did my EMG said he suspected my problem was hereditary and I was just going to have to learn to live with it.

I mentioned this started in early May. The tingling in my feet became a numbness. It crept up my feet and into my legs. It appeared in my fingers as well. By mid June, I could barely walk. It hurt to walk, and my legs just didn't work right. A trip to the grocery store was agony. Stairs were hard. Really hard. Imagine if stairs were 12 inches tall, and you had 5 pounds of lead strapped to each foot. I figured I would be in a wheelchair within a year. Showers were scary. I was terrified of falling. I had started keeping a pair of pliers on my refrigerator because I had trouble opening some things.

Then one day, I talked to Amy. Thank God for Amy. Amy worked on the same floor that I did. She worked for a law firm, but she was also a nurse. She did something with their medical cases. I don't know how much money you make if you're both a paralegal and a nurse, but judging by her car, she did ok. Anyway, one day Amy saw me walking funny and asked me what was up. I told her the whole story. She told me to get a referral to a neurologist. She even threatened me if I didn't do it right away. So, I made an appointment with a neurologist. God bless Amy.

I went to see my neurologist, who did a lot of tests, and conducted his own EMG. (Because one isn't enough, I guess.) He told me two things of interest. The first was that it looked like something triggered my immune system so it attacked everything in sight, including my own nerves. The second thing he told me was that there was a treatment that had a high degree of success. I couldn't believe it! It's called IVIG, and you just let the stuff drip into you through an IV. It's very expensive, but my insurance covered it. I hit my max out of pocket with one treatment, though.

My progress was excruciatingly slow, but steady. Almost all of the numbness went away, and I can walk fine now. There is still a little numbness on the bottoms of my feet, but that's it. I can do everything I used to do with no discomfort. (Except stepladders. I won't do stepladders now.)

FYI, I don't know why none of my doctors referred me to a neurologist. They certainly should have. I had never had any health issues before. I didn't know how the game was played, but the doctors did. They could have helped by sending me to a specialist. I don't get it.

Things are much better now, but sometimes I wish I knew where Amy was. I owe her a debt.

By the way, in an earlier post I said this:

2) All divorces become a grabbing game at some point. If your spouse even mentions divorce, immediately go hire an aggressive attorney whose goal is to go after the money. You can bet your spouse will do the same, and you have to try to take everything to get your fair share.

I apologize for this. This is the type of thinking that keeps divorce lawyers in fancy cars. I had a conversation with my ex-wife within the past year where she said that we would have been better off if we'd just divided stuff up and kept the attorneys out of it. This is easier said than done. Emotions are running high in a divorce, and someone is afraid of getting shafted. You have to protect yourself, but just maybe you can do it cheaper (much cheaper!) if you don't bring attorneys into it until the end.

I even invite my ex to my family's gatherings. (When there isn't a pandemic, that is.) I told her that she was always welcome. I told her that we've been apart 9 years, and my family still likes her better then they like me. She'll always be my kids' mom. I heard someone on TV say this, even though I'd like to take credit for it: "Just because we're not married anymore doesn't mean we're not family."

Lance,

Thank God for Amy indeed! really glad you were diagnosed and treated, and that you are now recovering. so odd that your doctors didn't think of sending you to a neurologist... thank God for Amy.

Super cool that you and your ex are on good terms. That's really mature of you.

Hi Ibby! I hope things are going great for you!

I suppose it's called the butterfly effect. Something seemingly inconsequential done by someone far away actually has some effect on your life. It's funny how things happen sometimes.

A couple of years ago, Fleetwood Mac turned 50. They've been around 50 years. Wow. Anyway, Fleetwood Mac released a 50th anniversary CD that I decided I had to have. Who pays money for music anymore? And who buys CDs? I guess I do. It's a 3 CD set, with 50 songs, and I played it a lot. Then, one day, it disappeared...

I was both annoyed and mystified. I searched the car thoroughly. I normally keep the handful of CDs in my car in the console (is that what you call it? the small storage area?) between the front seats. It wasn't there. I made the kids help. The 4 of us searched under floormats, we explored every pocket, we looked in the glove compartment and the trunk. But, it was just gone.

The only explanation I could come up with was that someone had stolen it. Maybe some time I pulled into a convenience store or Taco Bell when I didn't roll my windows up someone had seen it lying on the front seat and grabbed it. I didn't have a better explanation.

Then, some guy's truck in Idaho breaks down. He skateboards to work, drinking Ocean Spray cran-raspberry and lip-synching to Fleetwood Mac. He uploads the video to Tik Tok, and it goes viral. (If you're not familiar with this story, check it out. Ocean Spray gave him a truckload of his cran-raspberry drink, and they gave him the truck as well. I read he recently paid cash for a $350,000 house because of donations. The guy was living in some serious poverty before this. I'm happy for the guy. Good for him.)

So, I discover this guy's video. This really made me miss my Fleetwood Mac CDs. So, that night I ordered a different Fleetwood Mac collection. I didn't order the same thing in case I ever managed to locate the old CDs, although I was sure that would never happen. Target actually had a deal where if you order 2 CDs you get the third one free, so I also got CDs of the Eagles and Heart. It's classic rockapalooza in my car.

That very night, I had a dream. I dreamed I found my lost Fleetwood Mac CDs in the console of my car. Now, I knew they weren't there. I had emptied it out at least twice. There was no way they could be there. I told my daughter about the dream. She told me, "Dad, it's sad that you lost your CDs 4 months ago and you're still dreaming about it." I replied, "Yes, and it's even sadder that I'm going to look again just because I dreamed it!"

So, I go out to my car, and once again proceed to empty out the console. Of course, the CDs aren't there. But, the vinyl (or whatever) on top of the console (the armrest) had begun to fray and split a few years ago, so I had wrapped an old t-shirt around it to protect the top of the armrest. I started feeling up inside the t-shirt, and there was something there! It was my lost Fleetwood Mac CDs! They had worked their way inside the t-shirt and had been suspended inside the console, and above the rest of my CDs.

I couldn't believe it. I took the CDs inside. My jaw was on the floor as I showed my daughter. I have never, ever had anything like this happen to me. I mean, I found them because of a dream!

So, some guy in Idaho makes a video, and I have a dream, and I find my missing Fleetwood Mac CDs. They'd probably still be lost if his truck hadn't broken down. Maybe I should send him a thank you card. It's funny how things happen sometimes.

Oh, and the song the guy was lip-synching to? It was Fleetwood Mac's only number one song - Dreams.

Hey lance! all good - living in Amsterdam suits me, and has freed me from a lot of the drama and negativity in my life back in Manila

And wow...

Awesome that you found your CDs that way so, so cool - a story for the ages

Cool! I'm very glad things are going well in Amsterdam. I was just looking at pictures of Haarlem today, thinking about how much I'd like to visit.

Ooh you would love it. I think you like beer, right? Haarlem has this lovely brewery/bar inside a old church building!

i had a few beers there while basking in the light from the stained glass windows

https://www.jopenkerk.nl/haarlem/en/home-2/

Wonderful synchronicity stories, Lance - the Fleetwood Mac CDs and encountering Amy and solving your health problem.

Thanks for sharing Lance. Great stories and very encouraging to the rest of us.

I am so glad you found a treatment for your health issue. It sounds like you've been able to pay for the ongoing treatment and that's good news, even though from your opening lines it hasn't been cheap and has required some sacrifices in other areas. When we are young and healthy we take it for granted but when that goes away for whatever reason it's incredible value is suddenly made apparent to us.

Is the treatment ongoing still, tapering off, finished, or something you will have to keep up? If so I hope your finances hold out.

Great story about the Fleetwood Mac CDs. I would have been pretty bummed out about losing them too so glad they turned up. Life is weird sometimes, thankfully in good ways on occasion.

I was on the treatment for about a year. Hopefully the condition doesn't recur. My HSA took care of the treatment. It made a serious dent in my HSA, but that's what an HSA is for.

I've never been one for gambling, although I did go to a casino for the first time a few years ago. I didn't go to gamble, I went to pick up a friend. I'll call her Vicky.

Vicky and I dated for a while a few years ago. It kind of fizzled, but we're still friends. One day we were talking on the phone, and she said she was going to the casino with her friend Tammy. She said they were going to stay there all night and drink and gamble and would come home after the sun came up. I told her that if she had too much to drink and needed a ride home, she could call me.

So, shortly before midnight, I start getting texts. She's clearly wasted. Her texts aren't making any sense. I asked her if she wanted me to come get her. She replied, "Yrs." She couldn't even spell "yes" correctly. So, off I go to the casino...

I was about 20 minutes away when she called me.

"Are you coming to get me?"
"Yes, I'm about 20 minutes away."
"I can't find Tammy..."
"It's ok; we'll figure it out when I get there."
"I threw up."
"It's ok, it's a casino, I'm sure they've dealt with that before."

She hung up. 5 minutes late, she calls me again...

"Are you coming to get me?"
"Yes, I'm about 15 minutes away."
"I can't find Tammy..."

We had exactly the same conversation! Goodness, she must have been really impaired. Then, about 5 minutes later, she called me yet again...

"Are you coming to get me?"
"Yes, I'm about 10 minutes away..."

We had exactly the same conversation, for the third time...

So, I finally get to the casino, and I find Vicky passed out on a couch. I wake her up, and she still can't find Tammy. She's done, so she says let's just go. So, I'm driving her home, when she finally gets ahold of Tammy. She told Tammy not to worry, and that she would call a cab for her. Then, she hangs up the phone and goes to sleep. I was hoping Tammy wasn't counting on that cab too much...

I talked to her a few days after that. I asked if she was still friends with Tammy. Or was Tammy still at the casino waiting on that cab? She laughed and told me they had known each other for many years, so Tammy was fine.

She also said, "Do you know why I couldn't find Tammy? I was so drunk I texted everyone in the Ts except for Tammy..."

I mentioned earlier that I was adopted, and that I filled out some paperwork to find out some additional information. That info did eventually arrive. I found out the name I was born with, and my biological mother's name. Then, I subscribed to Ancestry.com. I found a woman who had the right name, right age, everything fit. I did a little googling, and I found her obituary. I missed her by a couple of years.

The obit mentioned that she had a daughter, so I looked in FaceBook, and immediately found a match. So, I sent a message to this woman, who I suspected of being my biological half-sister, and she responded immediately. I asked her to confirm - that is, could she tell me anything about me that would confirm that she was indeed my half-sister. She told me my birthday, which was confirmation enough for me.

I talked to her that very night.

The thing is, I'm at a bit of a loss. I expected something. I expected biological siblings to have some sort of connection, or something in common, or something. But, there was nothing. She's just someone else that I sort of know.

I did get a few answers. I found out that my biological mother had been sent to an unwed mother's home. I asked about my biological father, but she had no answers.

That path might be at an end. She has mentioned meeting, but I'm not interested. I wanted answers, not another family. I already have a family.

I'm actually experiencing a little regret here...

Hey lance, I'm sorry.

Blood ties don't always mean anything. My only sibling and I are not close at all. With my cousins, it's 50/50 - there are maybe 1 or 2 I can sort of relate to, and another 1/3 are nice, the last 2/3 I am mostly indifferent to or have trouble connecting with for various reasons - few shared interests, completely different worldviews.

Let's just say I don't miss my family, generally. I mean, they are family, but the only real connections are the shared experiences through hundreds of family birthdays and weddings.

I didn't feel truly connected to a group of people until, well, Legion World. And that was virtual. My first true in-person connections came with my best friends in high school, then later on with my Masters' degree cohort.

So yeah, don't feel bad about not having any connection. and if you're not interested in meeting, I think it's fine - just don't. Don't force it.

As for regret, I get it. Perhaps not knowing was better than knowing and not really feeling anything.

On the other hand, hopefully the knowledge means you won't wonder anymore?

what a punchline!

many of my best friends are those I can trust to get drunk/wasted with, and we laugh it off the next day while helping each other recover.

It's nice to let lose for a bit and not have to worry about responsibilities. i mean, the body can stand it sparingly, after all.

What I remember most fondly about times I did that, was just feeling so relaxed; feeling that any worries and problems could wait until tomorrow or next week... and of course there's some feeling of closeness with those I got drunk with.

Good news. Glad to hear it.

Great story about "Vicki" and "Tammy"!

And now, it's been almost exactly a decade.

I have my kids half the time, but since I live so close to my ex, they wander over pretty much whenever they want.

I have a great job. I've been talking to this one woman that I seem really compatible with.

My life is so much better than when I started this thread. I could never have imagined that.

I guess the lesson is, if things aren't going your way, just ask yourself what you can learn from it and keep trying to swim upstream to build a better life for yourself.

Thanks for all of the support I've received from everyone here!

Lance, thanks for sharing! really glad to see things improving! and kudos on the positive attitude

It can be great to see the journey we have travelled. Glad it has reached a good place for you. thanks for sharing.