Overall, the basic story remains intact but there are so many improvements to its telling and logic. Mucho kudos!
Thanks. Just what I was hoping for regarding retaining the basic structure.
In addition to all the reasons we give on the reread thread for how this one turned out, another is probably that Levitz simply didn’t see the extent of the issues. On his planning sheet it wouldn’t have looked terribly different.
But
because everything else was going on, I think it rather fell through the cracks. Having done this thread, I think the push to change from three to four issues was the focus, rather than picking up all the issues of just how it hung together. With everything else going on I can’t imagine he enjoyed having to go back and make substantial changes to the pacing.
The upcoming issues will also show that the Baxter book (and DC in general for Levitz) really was having an impact on the newsstand book. No wonder they tried to get other writers in.
On the plus side, all the rough edges here highlight all the polishing work that Levitz usually puts into his stories.
What an exhaustive rewrite, thoth!
Thankfully not exhausting to do. Having done the rereads each week, it was a quick skim through of the list and then a quick issue a night before a quick tidy up and post. Having a deadline was also sort of a conceit in doing it. A “How quickly could it be tweaked?” sort of thing.
I've read through 307 (and will read the rest later). I like it so far, especially how you began the story with the Trewsk story (in addition to the benefits you mentioned, it allows us to care about Pierre and the other characters before they are killed). The reason for the Prophet to go to Corvan IV ties in nicely with a past Legion story.
Losing the infodump was pacing related at first, but it really paid off elsewhere too. It meant that The Omen’s actions, the transformations/ witnessing could be established early and regularly. First, the shoal event; then the Prophet; then the insect and then the Negaton device.
I was unclear on if you thought the Prophet should be identified as a the pastor from Trewsk all along or if this is meant to be a reveal on Corvan IV. This line threw me: "It triggers the guilt in his mind, revealing the being to be the pastor and the glowing form switches to that of The Prophet, as the glow shatters." Considering the build-up of introducing the Pastor and his transformation, do you think there's any reason to keep his identity a secret until now?
I think (memory already vague~) I was spelling out to the reader that not only was the Prophet the Pastor, but that part of him was all too aware of the change resulting in his breakdown. Also, although the Prophet
is the Pastor is pretty obvious, it never hurts just to establish it definitively in the story. It’s always someone’s first comic, so join those plot dots.
The absence of Jo and Lar from the action allows Shady and even Brin to contribute much.
You could just see Levitz working out how to get Lar and Jo into the story. They didn’t
need to rescue anyone on Corvan, but he definitely needed them in the story. But there’s often a downside, and his was to take the panel time and achievement away from some of the others.
Nice touch of having the Prophet recognize Jacques.
A bonus of not using the infodump approach was to allow for The Prophet to face the horror of what happened on Trewsk through Jacques mind.
The Prophet also comes across as a more believable antagonist--one who is not all powerful himself but who loses control of the Khund fleet once he's distracted.
He gets to make choices throughout the story. Admittedly he’s under a lot of stress, but he makes the wrong one each time.
I originally showed him simply being unable to control the arrival of huge Khundian reinforcements. But changed it quickly as there weren’t enough “panels” to get to explain which ones he controlled and which he didn’t. Reading your comment, also reminds me that Darkseid also lost control when distracted/ overextended. Another parallel?
Great idea of having Imra go behind Relnic's back to try to learn more about the Prophet and disable him.
Thanks. As mentioned in the rereads, this whole period of the Legion seems to have the founders take a back seat, as a way of moving them to other duties. But having a room full of key Legionnaires doing nothing just wouldn’t have worked.
An expanded story would probably have had Cosmic Boy and Imra learn more about the Khunds plans through further use of their powers, with Cos using some that we saw in his spotlight issue. Garth would have been the one to face down some Khunds more directly.
The only change I would make is that the opening scene of the negotiations ("Khundia is being invaded") works better as a cliffhanger than as an opening scene. I'd omit it from this revision and begin with the Khunds opening fire on the Prophet. The negotiations can be mentioned in passing later.
I went with the cliff hanger on Corvan for 307 simply because having The Prophet leave a planet with a nasty threat and an huge energy effect was more visually appealing than Relnic with a table.
I mean, Relnic’s a great guy with a real sense of resignation, and that was the table that starred in the Furniture Fables of Life Lass. But even so…
Getting to move the pieces around made me realise that there’s quite a few potential cliff hanger moments. This is probably because Levitz had to make some adjustments himself. Expanding the story out into four 15/16 pagers could also have allowed a Khund/ UP at war cliffhanger. Lots of possibilities.
My Levitz-lite paradigm, for a three-parter at 15/16 pages, meant I knew very early on that I was going to actually be using a cliff hanger as my midpoint. That was the Prophet standing on a decimated Khundian battleground, having seen off the first Legion attack. As it was a mid-point, I just went with the Dawny connection, reversing the way it was originally shown. I did have a triple use of “destiny” with another character, but I forgot what it was by the time I came back with a cup of tea.
Again, much better use of the characters and situations! Lar is put to effective use here, and Jo comes charging in at the last moment to protect his lover--but he contributes little to the story. (Not a problem, really. smile )
Lar was on the list to be adjusted. He had to not rescue Tasmia. He had to do more than hang onto the Prophet’s cloak. He had to be used heroically, because really only he could have tackled both antagonists and lived. He also had to not be thumped around quite so much on the way to being moved out of the way. That was all easy enough. (I did drop a bit where it was Lar that ends the arguments over the Legion being kept out of the battle with a word and a stare.)
Jo, however, was a bit more of a process. Unlike Lar, he had a very good scene ignoring Nura and another in realising the price he almost paid in doing so. In later issues, he still has a hard time not being on a mission with Tinya, so I didn’t really want to separate them completely.
If he was to be put with Lar in Yagotha, then there’s no way that he would sit still while others determined whether or not to get involved. So that was out. He couldn’t be on the mission team, because it would take space away from the others, and it was important to let Tinya breathe a little. I didn’t want him off saving Galaxy XXVI or something, due to the good panels he had. So that left Earth. But the Legion on Earth didn’t make it to the battle in time to make a difference. Even Drake. So, I had to get Jo to leave earlier. I did that by giving him an excuse of getting to her from the Corvan report put in by Tasmia. More room could have allowed for a different option. For example, having the Earth forces reach Khundia, as part of a war scenario, with Jo going into the battle at that point.
I would keep Zendak as the messenger, though--especially in the scene in Shvaughn's quarters. It comes across as more real if someone outside the Legion tells Jan he is, in fact, leader.
Zendak being the one to have access to Shvaughn did make a sense in the original. It quickly added in a regular member of the supporting cast, while also reinforcing the SP connection that’s emphasised during this period.
I also agree that it’s better that someone outside the organisation should be making the call to the team’s leader. Originally, I had switched it to being Relnic.
But the UP’s ambassador shouldn’t be having to call everyone in order to get the Legion or warn about a war with the Khunds.
“Hi Mrs Barrow. It’s Relnic. The Khunds are coming. No, I’m not swearing. I said ‘Khunds’.Yes, the pink ones.” Right who’s next … “Hi. Mrs Berkovic. It’s another invasion I’m afraid…”
From some Adventure stories, the mission would start with a UP representative calling into HQ. Comics generally have a single point of contact for telling the team about a mission. From there, HQ would get on with the mission. So, Relnic was out.
The main thing was that I wanted to establish was that Jan wasn’t
actually the leader. At the end of the story, Relnic goes off to congratulate Nura on the end of her term in office. For me, that meant Nura was still in charge and would hand over to Jan when they all got back. There’s a little swearing in ceremony if I remember correctly.
Combining both of the above meant that Drake got to make the call, as part of rallying the defences, as well as to display some of his pent up frustration, and as more panel time ahead of his second story.
While I was thinking about what the story would look like over 4 instalments, I felt that the Khund/UP conflict would get more space. I could see the call coming in from Marte Allon. As President of Earth, she would be pivotal in the coordination of Earth’s defences (at least in comics leaders are smart enough to do this
) . It would also sneakily allow me a continuation of the dinner second story. We could even see Gim’s dad take get a call to the UP fleet (although I’d have to check if he was in it pre crisis)
I think it's fine that Tinya and Jacques find the negaton bomb themselves, but, returning to something I wrote in the re-read thread, I also like the idea of Omen uncovering the negaton bomb because he wanted the Legionnaires to see it. Is he on their side or not? Your rewrite suggests that the Omen is after the negaton bomb or attracted to it, but I prefer his motives to remain uncertain.
That’s an angle on The Omen that didn’t occur to me. It definitely raises different possibilities on what it actually is, or what its function is.
I went with a consistent set of actions, that saw it travel the galaxy happening to be at/ but possibly responsible for events of transformation. If I was going to expand on it, then I may well have looked at how it
knew to be at these events. I would have tied that into the prophecy thread that links so may of the characters in this story. But I would have had to find a way of doing that without actually revealing to much about it. I quite like it being a bit unknowable.
Having Jacques and Tinya discover the bomb is a combination of getting to highlight them while I could, using the Espionage squad, and mainly getting Jacques out of the firing line. I’d have liked to have had more room to have more on the espionage front in this one, bringing in Relnic, Imra and Cos. That would have confirmed Relnic’s accusations in the final scene. One for an extra instalment. I’d also have not buried Jacques and Tinya under rubble. It was a bit of a cop out, but I had run out of time
Is Relnic secretly glad that the Legionnaires defy him? This seems suggested by his smile. In any event, your rewrite does an effective job of showing the difficult situation he's put in. He must both satisfy the Khunds to avert war and allow the Legionnaires to do what they know is right. He must be very glad that things went beyond his control and worked out the way they did.
I think the reread comments show that Relnic is a bit of a star in this one. My take on him is that he’s pragmatic enough to have parallel approaches. It’s probably what’s kept him alive dealing with races like the Khunds.
I’m glad you picked up on the smile. He
is partly pleased that the Legion defied his orders for the reasons you say. But then, Relnic would
know that it was only a matter of time before they would take matters into their own hands. I see the Omen/ Prophet as a sideshow for Relnic, although it’s one that gets him a decisive victory in the negotiations. Had The Omen not appeared, he might have had to manipulate the Legion into uncovering the device his spies had told him the Khunds were working on.
He had them there for a number of reasons, and he didn’t ask for the precog, the telepath, the guy who can manipulate technology or the man with super vision by accident. Although he would have tactfully asked, at such a critical juncture between two races, for the founders and a Daxamite legend to support the UP cause, as a show of how important the negotiations were and as a sign of strength that the Khunds respect.
Great job of showing the founders giving Nura their approval.
Thanks. I think Nura’s leadership took everyone, including Levitz, by surprise. I thought it was a nice way to show that in the cast too.
I’ve just read the next issue, containing the Dawnstar second story, for our reread thread. Going back to this rework thread, I’d have split that into two, allowing it to start in #309 as done here.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. This sort of exercise certainly gives me more appreciation of the decisions/ compromises Levitz had to make to complete the assignment. It’s also lots of fun discussing the mechanics of the story.