(Exnihil sits at the bar at SHAKES, lost in thought, slowly swirling around the last sip of his martini in the bottom of his glass. Babette, the barmaid, not used to seeing Ex so quiet, moves over to him.)


Babette: Everthing OK, Ex?

Ex (looking up): Hmmm? Oh... Babette... yeah... no... just mulling over an idea.

Babette: An idea? Uh oh... when that head of yours gets to spinning it's usually something pretty crazy that comes out. What have you got going this time?

Ex: Hmmm... yeah... not sure yet. Just a sort of half-formed thing. I was working on this big project with the LMB that wound up not coming to pass, so I'm just trying to figure out a way to even out the scales.

Babette: "Even out the scales"? Sheesh, Ex, you're a character. You're always talking like you're in some kind of old-movie or something.

Ex: No, if I wanted to sound like an old movie character I'd say something like, "The LMB ain't gonna get away with this... see? I'm gonna make 'em pay!"

Babette (suddenly remembering): Ooh! Thanks for reminding me. (taking out her holo-check pad) Semi said to tell you gotta settle your tab. It's not that he doesn't trust you... it's just getting kind of large. (passes Ex the pad).

Ex: Yeah... no problem... sorry, I meant to grab it the last time I was in... I've just been preoccupied with this LMB thing... figuring out how to make them... (his eyes just about pop out when he sees the bill).

Babette: Make them what?

Ex: Babette... tell Semi that he needs to float me for a few months.

Babette: He ain't gonna like it.

Ex: Oh, I think he will. I just figured it out and... yes... the time has come for the LMB... to pay!!!



What does Ex have up his sleeve this time???

What half-cocked idea has he come up with to settle some imagined score???

Stay tuned, Legion Worlders, as fact and fiction combine into one of the most absurd plans ever to be put into action!!!


Ugh... how long is this going to take?


Don't question the narrator! It will take as long as it takes!

OK...fine... as a good faith effort, let's kick it off... (checks omnipad)... tomorrow night(!) with:





BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

Prelude...



(Ex takes a look at his omnipad)

Ex: Computer, bring up target number 1.

Computer: processing... processing... target acquired...





Ex: Oh, come on! Seriously? But he's like...

Computer: ... ten hours away, sir.

Ex: Oh, for Pete's sakes. (shrugs) Well... a drink's a drink, I suppose. I guess I better get going. Payback never tasted so sweet.

Ex: Time hack, Computer.

Computer: You are proceeding well ahead of schedule, sir. Target interception in three hours.

Ex: Three hours? Ah, that is ahead of schedule. He won't even be at the location for another six!

Computer: Are you capable of amusing yourself for the remaining three, sir?

Ex: Am I capable of amusing myself? That's what you're asking? Trust me... there I times I feel all I ever do is amuse myself.

May 25th, 7PM:

(Paladin, sitting across the table from Ex, listens as Ex finishes explaining his idea. He raises an eyebrow.)


Paladin: OK. I think I've got it... but... um... why do I have to buy you a drink, again?

Ex (sighing): What have I just been talking for the last hour, Lardy? It's to even out the scales.

Paladin: Yeeeeeeah... see... no... I don't think that adds up.

Ex: Sure it does.

Paladin: But what about the distance that has to be covered to accomplish it? Doesn't that sort of offset...

Ex: Nevermind all that, Lardy... just smile for the holo.





Paladin: You're a bit of odd duck, Ex. You know that, right?

Ex (grinning): An odd duck... like a fox. OK computer. Mission complete. Where to next?

Computer: processing... processing... target acquired...



Ex: Man... can't we at least do this in some sort of geographic order?



Up next:

My Cobie-sense is tingling.

Yet...I can't turn down a martini...

Ex: Time hack, computer.

Computer: Exact time indeterminate at this point, sir; we are, however, in definite sight of the event horizon. My best estimate is... within the next 75 hours.

Ex (drumming fingers): Excellent... it is all coming together...

I KNEW we'd eventually have to shell out some cash.

Do you accept IOUs?

Computer: Target number two successfully locked in, sir. Twenty-seven hours to contact.

Ex: Perfect... lay in a course.

Computer: Course mapped... ... ... you should wear a tie.

Ex: For the last time... I'm not wearing a damn tie!

Why did I wake up with a cold chill this morning? Did I have a nightmare?

And why am I wearing jeans to work today?

May 31st, 11:30AM

(Cobalt Kid looks up from his lunch as Exnihil walks through the door. He is suddenly overcome by a feeling of trepidation. Ex waves.)

Ex: Hiya, Cobie!

Cobie (uneasily) : Oh... hi, Ex! (shaking his head, to clear the misgiving) Ugh... sorry if I sound a bit off-center. I just had the weirdest nightmare last night... and I sort of have a strange feeling like you were in it.

Ex: Me? (laughing as he pulls up a chair) Why don't I order a drink and you can tell me all about it?

Cobie: Oh! Uh... sure... what is it you drink, again? Martini, right? Waiter...!

Ex: Thanks. Oh, and Cobie...

Cobie: Yeah?

Ex: I seem to have... forgotten my wallet!


BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!


Cobie (looking around): Whoa... did you just hear music?

Ex: No, sorry.

Cobie (shrugs): Hey, nice outfit by the way... although a tie would really bring it all together.

Computer: I told him so!

Ex: OK, Computer... where to next? I'm thinking that we're pretty close to Qui...

Computer: Actually, sir... if you were simply to make a left at this next block, you might be able to intercept one of the more recent additions to the LMB:



Ex: Sweet! Lay in the coordinates.





May 31st, 5:00PM

(Ex walks into the restaurant where Shining Son is dining. Shiney looks up and, almost as if he senses what's coming, beats Ex to the punch)

Shining Son: Ah... Exnihil is it? If you're here on that "quest" you mentioned when the project fell through, I feel obliged to remind that I actually stuck with it to the end.

(Ex realizes that Shiney's got a point. This is going to require the big guns.)

Shining Son (continuing): The whole principle that all the "projectbusters" owe you one simply doesn't apply to... wh... what are you doing?

(Ex gives sad puppy eyes)

Shining Son: Mr. Nihil... that's not going to wor...

(Ex gives sadder puppy eyes)

Shining Son: Are you serious? Do you really think...

(Ex gives even sadder puppy eyes)

Shining Son (sighing): Oh, fine... sit down if you're sitting down... but you're not getting a holo pic!

Ex (rubbing his hands as he sits down): Sure, sure... whatever you say... no pic... but bring on the drinks! w00t!






Later...



Ex: All righty! Only one week in and already I've got three down! This thing is going to be easier than I thought.

Computer: Even easier, sir... if the next stop is any indication.

Ex: What do you mean?

Computer: If my calculations are correct, sir, at your next stop you will be able to solicit a drink from not one... but two LMBers.

Ex: Doubles???

Computer: Well... no, sir... technically that would make four drinks, so...

Ex (ignoring the computer): Doubles! So who are the targets?

Computer: processing... processing... targets acquired...




Ex: Sweet!!!





That's right... thread watchers... our next mission is a double sized extravaganza with:

Ex: All right there, computer... how long before Abin and Quis split the next round?

Computer: ...processing... processing... approximately nine days, sir.

Ex: Nine days?!?!?! What kind of nonsense is that? You call yourself a day-planner?

Computer: Actually, sir, I call myself nothing of the sort. I have several billion additional capabilities that you've yet to even...

Ex: Never mind all that... there's drinking to be done. All right... what can I do this weekend?

Computer: ...scanning... ah... this should please you, sir. If we adjust our bearing to the southwest, we should be able to intercept one of your oldest LMB friends.

Ex: Yeah? Let's see the display...

Computer:




Ex: Sweet! What's the time hack?

Computer: 25 hours to intercept.

Ex: Aw, hells yeah. Lay in the course.

Computer: We will have to adjust the Chapter solicitation, sir...

Ex: Aw, don't fret that. These are DC Comics fans... they're used to it. Let's call it:

June 7th, 2PM



Kenaustin: Ex... we've been buddies for a long time, right?

Ex: Right from the beginning, brother.

Ken: So you know I'd tell you if I thought one of your projects were a little too ambitious?

Ex: Absolutely, Kenny... you're a straight shooter... a square G.

Ken: Yeeeeeeah... I have no idea what that means, Ex... but, anyway... 100 martinis? Don't you think that's a little much?

Ex: Well... I don't know if I'll get 100 martinis out of it... 100 toothpicks on the other hand...

Ken: So... these don't count?

Ex: What do you mean?

Ken: Well... they don't have toothpicks... they've got little plastic swords.



Ex: Oh, for the love of...! Ah, that's all right... I'll just pick up double at the next stop.

Ken: Who are you targeting next?

Ex: I've got a double date with Abin and Qui....

Computer (interrupting): Actually, sir... if you continue due north, there is a far easier target.

Ex: Who's that?

Computer: processing... processing... target acquired:



Ex: Really? How far?

Computer: Approximately 7 hours to intercept.

Ex: Shoot... that's nothing. Lay in the course. Ooh! And adjust the solicit again.

Computer: Already taken care of, sir. Up next:

June 7th, 9PM



Lancesrealm: So... what you're saying is that "shaken" really isn't better than "stirred"?

Ex: Exactly! That whole thing only got started because it sounded good in those spy holos. The real trick is in the proportion. You want to use 4 parts vodka to one part... say... uh... Lance?

Lance: Yeah, Ex?

Ex: What the heck kind of martini is that you're drinking?

Lance: This? Oh this is real simple to make. It's just one part beer.

Ex: B... beer?

Lance: Yep. Oh... and definitely not shaken.






Up next:









And this time... we mean it!

Sweeeeeet! Thanks for sharing these, Ex!

*starts looking up places that make really good martinis, for when Ex gets to go to the Philippines*

That would be a very wet road trip.

"Where we're going... we don't need roads."


(Double checks navigation computer)


Oh, crap. I spoke too soon... apparently we do need them.

Hmmm... how is that Trans-Pacific highway coming?

I knew it would trigger that quote.

I like how Lance is rockin' a 'tache!

Grew it around the time I turned 16. Had it ever since, except for the Nair prank my sister played on me. I got her back though...

I think you're officially my latest LMB mancrush, Lance!

Run while you can!!!

You are the weirdest bunch of straight folk.

^ said with love ^

You've got to be kidding me... this is possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen. This should be, like, a documentary film or something.

Sonny I can't believe you refused the picture! You've just got to be like Marilyn and Farrah were and demand final picture approval.

Ah, you folks had a chance to see what I look like and you blew it.

The mystery of Shining Son may well go on forever now.

Very slowly. And loudly.

Ex: All righty... let's start gearing up. Time hack?

Computer: Target number six... 24 hours to until intercept. Target number seven... 26 hours.

Ex: What? I thought you said these two were going to be together.

Computer: They will be, sir

Ex: What... how does that...

Computer (interrupting): You will be providing transport for target number six to the location of target number seven.

Ex: I... wh... like hell I wi... oh, fine. But he darned well better chip in for gas money.

Computer: Gas money, sir?

Ex: Oh... I forgot this is the 31st century... we've been out of gas for over 900 years. Hmm... how do we power our transports? Dilithium crystals?

Computer: Not since the 24th Century, sir.

Ex: Radion Accelerator Core?

Computer: Not even close.

Ex: Infinite Improbability Drive?

Computer (muttering to itself): Pfft... if you ask me, this entire journey has been a drive through the infinitely improbable

Ex: What's that you say?

Computer: Nothing at all, sir... 23 hours, 55 minutes to intercept...

Ex: w00t!

So, what DO those things run on then? Curiouser and curiouser!

Nihil-point energy.

June 15, 2PM:



Ex: Just a Coke, Quis? Nothing harder?

Quislet Esq. (nods with a grin toward Abin): With this guy around, Ex? Not a chance. He loves nothing better than to screw with people once they get a few in them.

Ex (looking at Abin): I don't get it... what's he talking about, Abin?

Abin Quank (clearing his throat and speaking in a perfect "Space Ranger" voice): I have no idea, Citizen... I always handle all with Truth and Justice.

Ex (marveling): Whoa! That was amazing... how did you do that?

Quis: I'm warning you, Ex... don't get him started...

Abin (speaking in a perfect "Everyday Girl" voice): Ohmygod, Mr. Quizzy-Poo! You're going to make Mr. Ex-Nyquil think we're like weird or something.

Ex: Really... Abin! That is astounding! Who else can you do?

Quis (rolls his eyes): You're asking for it, Ex.

Abin (speaking in a perfect "Stoopid Cat" voice): Mmmmmmm... Indeed, human... and so often what is asked for is... unfortunately... granted.

Ex (grinning like an idiot): So cool! C'mon... one more...

Abin: Fair enough. (Clears his throat and begins speaking in a perfect "My Whee Fem" voice): Is this what you want, Ex?

Ex: (taken aback at hearing his girlfriend's voice coming from Abin): Ha... yeah... OK... I guess that is a little creepy.

Abin (continuing as My Whee): Are you sure, Ex? I could order you another Martini... you like them... dirty... isn't that right?

Ex: Haha... a joke's a joke, but that's enough...

Abin (continuing as My Whee, relishing torturing Ex): Enough? But I haven't even told you about my day... don't you want to hear about how the little ninja girl handled... that big sword?

Ex (to Quis): You're a lawyer, Quis... you think I can make a case here for mental anguish?

Quis: Against Abin? You wouldn't be the first who tried... I advise you to just grin and bear it. In fact... there's the holo-photographer, now...

Ex: So... wow! Seven down in three weeks, and summer hasn't even officially begun yet. Where to next, Computer?

Computer: Processing... processing... target number 8 acquired...





Ex: Yikes, Computer... you really have no sense of logically sequential geography, whatsoever, do you? Are you, like, trying to spell a word across the country or something?

Computer: Geography is not the only consideration in this algorithm, sir. Honestly, if you would just allow me a moment to explain some of my higher functio...

Ex (interrupting): Blah, blah, blah... enough of all that. Is there at least a second target in the same trajectory to offset the trip time?

Computer: Processing... processing... target number 9 acquired...




Ex: Good deal... I think we've got a plan. Lay in the course, and wake me when we get within spitting distance.

Computer: Spitting dis... I'm not certain that is a standardized unit of measure, sir.

Ex: Just a figure of speech, there, Clocky.






Stay tuned, thread watchers, as next weekend Nihil Productions presents an exciting two-parter with:










Be there... or be squa... no, you know what... on second thought, just be there.

Ex is gonna meet Conjy?!? The rest of LW is jealous!

*GLARES in Ex's general direction*

Huuuuush. You all are loonies! Gonna make me blush over here!

Computer: Sir? I seem to be picking up network chatter from around Legion World. It appears that your planned interception of target #9 may be inspiring some envy among your fellow LMBers.

Ex: Heh. Yeah... with all that "Good Night" wishing going on, I thought there might be a triangle brewing. Well... a triangle at a minimum!

Computer: Triangle, sir? Are you indicating that you wish a third point to be added to this weekend's trajectory? Processing... processing...

Ex: Wait... what? No... I didn't mean...

Computer: Third target acquired. Re-calibrating. Original target #9 now sequenced as #10. New target #9, display to follow...




Ex: Really? Cool! Although... that's going to make a whole other section of Legion World jealous!




That's right, Legion Worlders... this leg of the trip has just been expanded to a three-martini lunch with:















I'm gonna need a nap after this one!

June 22nd, 11:30 AM



(Exnihil sits at the table, waiting for He Who Wanders to return from the restroom. Suddenly he spies him as - out of nowhere - a musical "bumper" sounds)

Music: It's Huey's Top Forty!

He Who Wanders (sitting back down): ...aaaaaand we're back!

Ex (looking around confusedly) D... did you just do that?

Huey: Do what?

Ex: That music?

Huey: What music, Ex?

Ex: You didn't hear...

Huey (shaking his head): Sorry... but I trust you if you say you did. The Spotlight Artist is always right.

Ex: The what now?

Huey: Sure, Ex... this little project of yours has Legion World abuzz. It's quite the Hot Shot Debut.

Ex: Well... as long as the toothpicks are racking up, I'm happy.

Huey (raising his glass): Absolutely. So... Exnihil... here's your Long Distance Dedication.

Ex: All right, just stop that now.

You can tell I'm positively excited to meet Ex. I'm radiating light.

June 22nd, 3PM



Ex: So, wow... LMB Deputy Leader. I gotta say, Jerry, it's quite the honor to get a drink with one of our esteemed leadership crew.

Jerry: Ahh, think nothing of it, Ex. The Legion World taxpayers are quite generous.

Ex: How's that, now?

Jerry: Sure. What... you don't think Peebs and I actually pay for our own drinks anymore, do you? Expense account, baby!

Ex: Wh... Jerry, that's...

Jerry: Oh, come on... you think we're the first LMB administration to get some perks out of the deal? You should see the official records from back during Cobie's administration. A million credits a month for "Sheep Husbandry"... whatever that means.

Ex: What does the Election Tyrant say about all this?

Jerry: Dunno... ever since we were put in office, old ET has been silent. You might even say he's been as silent... "as the grave". Ha, ha, ha!

Ex (blinks): ... ?

Jerry (looking around): Hmm... perhaps I've said too much... you know what, Ex, just forget I said that. This meeting never happened. There aren't any holo-cameras in this place, right?

Ex: uh...

June 22nd, 8PM:



Ex: So how are you digging Legion World, Conjure Lass?

Conjure Lass: I am loving this place! Everyone is so kind and welcoming.

Ex: That's awesome. You're really a great addition and you fit right in with this crew.

Conjy: Thanks. I mean... wow... I've only been here about a year and already I've got my own Monitor Board symbol! Thanks so much for that, by the way.

Ex: No problem... I really love making those for the LMB members. (takes a sip of his drink).

Conjy: I mean it, though... they're so detail-y. Just look at mine... you must have spent a long time staring at my tats.

(Ex does a spit-take, spraying his martini across the room.)

Conjy: Oh my god, are you OK?

Ex (choking): Yeah... yeah... sorry... went down the wrong pipe.

Conjy: Anyway... I was just saying that you must have really studied my tattoos in order to duplicate the details like that.

Ex (blushing): Ohhhh... your tats! Yeah, absolutely... I'm a big fan of ink.

Conjy: Cool, I got my first one when... wait... what did you think I said?

Ex: Oh, look! The waitress! Another round!

I didn't expect time travelers to look so normal.

Ex: Oi! Who you calling "normal"!?

Computer: Who are you speaking to, sir?

Ex: Wha...? Oh... sorry... metatextual leveling confusion. I must be reading too much Grant Morrison lately.

Computer: As per usual, sir... your comments do not compute.

Ex: Nevermind that... let's fire you up for something you are good at. We're ten deep into this thing... who's our next target?

Computer: Processing... processing... target number 11 acquired...





Ex: Why, you bucket of bolts! That's my symbol!

Computer: Nevertheless, sir... that is what my calculations are showing. Apparently you are someone else's target. He is approximately 70 hours from your location... and closing.

Ex: What on earth are you talking about?

Computer: There appears to be a transmission attached, sir. Shall I transcribe?

Ex: Well, yeah!

Computer: Very well. It reads: "Da-Dum..." The next line then reads: "Da-Dum..."

Ex: Oh, for pete's sake...

Computer [continuing]: "Da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum…"

Ex: All right, already... I get it! Instead of the target, display the logo of my persuer.

Computer: Processing... processing...





Ex: Well... shit.



That's right, folks... this week it's a special mid-week episode with:

(Exnihil holds up another shirt to the mirror. He grimaces)

Ex: What do you think, Computer... there's no trace of red in this one right?

Computer: You are correct, sir... that would be a blue shirt. Once again, however... you are thinking of a Bull... for a Shark it is actually the smell of blood that matters.

Ex (nodding): Right... right... so the steakhouse is right out.

Computer: You are over-thinking this, sir. It's quite simple: You go inside the bar... Bar's in the restaurant... You go in the restaurant... Shark's in the restaurant...

Ex: Right.

Computer: Our shark.

Ex: Gulp.

Computer (singing): Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies...

Ex: OK, that's enough...

Computer (singing): Farewell and adieu to you, ladies of Spain...

Ex: Now, just cut that out!

Computer (somehow self-satisfied): Twenty hours to intercept, sir...

June 27, 1PM:



(Exnihil slides into the booth across from Shark Lad)

Ex: Whoa! Sharky... I totally didn't recognize you! What's with the... uh... (Ex makes a motion in front of his face)

Shark Lad (laughing): You like it? Distorter. I didn't think it would go over too well with the locals if an 8-foot tall shark-man hybrid rolled up in here. I still wore my "Jaws" T-shirt, though. I like to keep them at least subliminally on edge.

Ex: No, no... I like it... you look good. So I'm assuming from the lack of the "Shark" appearance that you're not looking for blood?

Sharky: Is that what you thought? Ha, ha... no... I just couldn't have you hunting me down. It's a rep thing... wouldn't look good in the whole "predator" community. You understand.

Ex: Oh, yeah... yeah, sure, I get it. So... uh... I know you're not big on the whole "holo-pic" thing... but since you've got the distorter working... how about it?

Sharky: Hmm... I usually don't... but... for you, Ex? You know what... why not? It might be a kick.

Ex: Can I... uh... can I say it?

Sharky: Really, Ex? What... because of the T-shirt?

Ex: That... and... well... you know how I love 20th century holo-films.

Sharky: Sigh... will it make you happy?

Ex (grinning): Immeasurably.

Sharky (sighing again): Fine... just say it.

Ex: w00t! Alright... ahem... (putting on his best Roy Scheider voice)... "Smile, you son of a b...!!!"

Yay, Sharky--I hope he enjoys his concert!

As for Ex, I'm starting to notice a certain pattern to his particular sense of fashion.

The woman in the background. Surely her face wasn't...bitten off?

^That was Thriftshop Debutante, hiding.

One of the wisest men I ever met once told me, "You know... you can get really good deals at K-Mart."

Short sleeve button down... buy in bulk... you're set for years of business-casual summers.







Ex: Wow, Computer... that was one heck of a whirlwind month. Eleven Legion Worlder meet-ups in just four weeks. Where the heck are we off to next?

Computer: Well, sir... if my calculations are correct... it's actually time for you to pause for intermission and spend the next few weekends with your significant other.

Ex: My Whee Fem?

Computer: Ahem. Think meta-textually, sir.

Ex: Oh my gosh... that significant other!

Computer: Indeed, sir.

Ex: Well, fair enough! I think a few weeks off the road might, in fact, be in order after all the scrambling about we've been doing.

Computer: I never said you'd be off the road, sir. I believe she's got a road trip of her own cooked up for you.

Ex: Sweet! Well... all right.. if we're taking a break, could I at least get a hint of what the summer has in store when we kick off again?

Computer: Processing... processing... preliminary second wave targets acquired:





Ex: Holy Cow! Are you serious? That's insane.

Computer: You will receive no argument whatsoever from me, sir. And - if I estimate correctly - this may not even be complete.

Ex: OK... well... gosh. So... when does this so-called "second wave" kick off?

Computer: Target number 12 is scheduled for July 20th, sir.

Ex: Yikes... that seems so far away. This better be worth the wait.

Computer: Oh... I imagine you will be quite satisfied, sir. Target 12 display:





Ex: I... well... just... damn!

Don't forget the t-shirt underneath!

Still the best thread ever, worthy of documentary film status!

Ex is so handsome too, he's got me all nervous! I don't care that he's straight I still want to look hot for him... which shouldn't be a problem in July, in Memphis! It's gonna be SWELTERING!!!

Shucks daddio, you can't help but be the prettiest target Ex's computer can acquire in Memphis. Don't you go worrying 'bout that there nonsense.

Don't lose your head. No, really, there's this axe murderer meme going around...

Exnihil: Man! Hiatae suck.

Computer: Hiatae, sir? Are you attemping to say, "Haiti"? I don't believe our journey will take us to..."

Ex: No, not "Haiti"! "Hiatae"... you know... like the plural of "hiatus".

Computer: Ah... no... that plural ending is for "a".

Ex: For a... what?

Computer: No, sir, you misunderstand. I'm merely saying that...

Ex (interrupting): Oh, wait... are you saying it should end in "a"? Like... "hiata"?

Computer: No... that would be for "um".

Ex: Um...

Computer: Don't focus on the "um", sir... I was merely saying that as a word ending in "us"...

Ex (interrupting again): That it should pluralize with "i"... of course! That's weird, don't you think? Because... like, there are two of "us" but only one of "I"... er... "me".

Computer: And for that, I am eternally grateful, sir.

Exnihil: Anyway... hiati suck.

Computer: Indeed. Shall I provide a teaser, sir? To help aleviate your ennui?

Exnihil: You just leave my ennui alone! But... yeah... a new teaser would be cool.

Computer: Very well, sir. We have already identified target number 12 for July 20th...



Computer: But... that selfsame day, you will also be meeting with target number 13...



Ex: Cool! Doubling down on the first day back almost makes me not mind these hiatuses.

Computer: B... b... but you...

Ex: Just kidding, Computer... I know there's no such word.





Stay tuned, pickies... just 12 more days until...

*stares* Ex is apparently under the impression that I am one to let handsome men ditch me early so they can dash off and meet up with someone else the same day. Just for that, I'm going to be EXTRA cool, interesting, charming and fun when we meet so he will regret that!!

For the record, I couldn't imagine setting up a first meet with Lash and NOT devoting the entire day to him!

SHAME, Ex!

Computer: Hmm... valid points, all. Alas... the mile to hour ratio from point A to C ensuring that Ex is back at his desk on Monday morning just doesn't add up. The additional stop at point B does however move him 25% closer to his home destination, adding no additional time to the overall journey.

Ex: Yeah... sad to say, old Clocky there has it right, but... you know... always leave 'em wanting more, I say.



In a pinch, I suppose I am getting in late Friday night... so if Lashie doesn't mind strange men tapping on his window pane in the wee hours...


Naaaahhhh...

I've been known to entertain late as long I've had my beauty rest *bashful smile*

I was teasing you Ex, I promise I shan't let myself do anything crazy that day! *prepares to take double meds*

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?...3.136336876521150&type=1&theater

July 20, 12 PM:


Exnihil: Damn, Lash! I am totally digging on the new haircut... you just keep getting more handsome as the years go on.

Lash: This coming from you? You're like Mister Handsome!

(Ex smiles, but then... after a moment... sighs deeply.)

Lash: Everything OK, man?

Ex (weakly): Yeah... I mean... I don't know, Lash. Do you ever get the feeling like something's missing? Like... do you ever think, maybe, there's more to life than being really, really... really... ridiculously good-looking?

(Lash *glares* at Ex in disbelief) : ...

(Ex looks deadly serious for a moment... then - as Lash continues to *glare* - Ex begins cracking a smile. He snickers.)

Lash: You! Ha ha! You almost had me going for a second there!

Ex: Ha, ha! It's a good one, though, right? I couldn't do it, though... I just couldn't keep a straight face! So... are you ready for your close-up?

Lash: Mr. Demille... I was born ready.

July 20, 7 PM:


Exnihil: So... Wolfie... there's something I've always wanted to ask you.

Lone Wolf Legionnaire: Shoot, Ex.

Ex: Well... your code-name: "Lone Wolf Legionnaire". Isn't that sort of an oxymoron? Like... can you really be a "lone wolf" if you're in the Legion of Message Board Posters? Sorry if that's an odd question.

LWL: No, no... that's actually a really good question. The moniker stems from earlier in my career, before I joined the Legion. Sure, I thought of changing it back in the day... but... eh... it's grown on me. Plus we've already got a "Timber Wolf" in the LMB.

Ex: I suppose. But, you know, "Timber Wolf" isn't the only possibility. What about something like... oh, I don't know... say... "Wolverine," for example?

LWL: Wolver...what? C'mon, bub... that sounds like something someone would make up if they were trying to do a knock off or something.

Ex: You really don't like it? I think it comes right at you... a real fastball special down the middle.

LWL: Not to rain on your parade there, "Professor Ex"... but I'm the best at what I do, and - right now - what I do is spot a stinker of a code-name.

Ex (shrugs): Oh, well. Oh, hey... look... a holopic cameraman. You want to get a shot together?

LWL: Sure... I thought they didn't allow paparazzi in here, though.

Ex: Yeah, you're right... I guess that guy must have... "snikt" in.

LWL: It's not going to happen, Ex.

Ex: Sorry... sorry...

This must be the mirror universe Ex and Lash. Notice which one's drinking a martini.

I noticed that as well ...

Exnihil: Whew! That was one heck of a weekend! Nothing like starting back after a break with the old one-two punch.

Computer: I'm pleased you enjoyed intercepting two different targets, sir. That bodes well for next weekend.

Ex: What's that supposed to mean? Is next weekend another two-fer?

Computer: No, sir... next weekend you'll be meeting with three.

Ex: Yikes! Are they at least kind of located near one another?

Computer: Remarkably so. If my calculations are correct... target 14 will be accompanying you en route in your interception of target 15... and target 16 will then join the group of you.

Ex: Saaaaaaaaaay... wait just a minute! What are they trying to pull here? I hope they don't think that means they all get to divvy up one toothpick!

Computer: You always keep sight of what's important, sir.

Ex: Darn tootin'. All right, lets see this motley crew.

Computer: Processing... processing... targets acquired:





Ex: w00t!!! Now that's a spicy meatball!

Computer: A... sp...? I'm sorry, I don't... no... on second thought... never mind, sir. I'm certain the piquancy of the "meatball" will be to your satisfaction.





And hopefully to yours, as well, fair thread watchers. Make sure to tune in right here next weekend as we embark on a massive three-way crossover event with:




Be here now... but be here... um... THEN!

ALSO!

July 27th, 11:30 AM


Exnihil: I have to admit, BB, you weren't lying... this place is great!

Blockade Boy: Thanks, Ex! I know we're meeting the others later on today, but - if I was going to be looped into your "Toothpicks" project - there was no way I'd miss showing off my favorite local place.

Ex: Absolutely... and I'd never turn down a bonus martini.

BB: Just the one, though... we don't want to show up half-snookered to meet Dev and Seymour.

Ex: Oh, don't worry about that. You could always just use your powers to keep us from getting tipsy, right?

BB (raising an eyebrow): Uh... how's that, now?

Ex: Well, sure... "Blockade Boy" should be able to "block" the effects of the alcohol, right?

BB: I... uh... no... that's... that's not really how my powers work.

Ex: You ever try it?

BB: No... I...

Ex: Well then, never say never. (raising his glass) Chin, chin, old boy.






LATER...


July 27th, 6:30 PM


(Dev - Em and Suddenly Seymour sit at the table as Ex and BB come stumbling in, singing the "LMB Fight Song").

Dev - Em (rolling his eyes as the pair sit down): Where the heck have you guys been?

Blockade Boy (snickering): Never.

Ex (laughing): I said never say that! Ha, ha, ha! (Then, to Dev) We've been... testing out BB's powers.

Suddenly Seymour (grinning, as he shakes his head): Yeah, really looks like it. Well, we went ahead and ordered for you guys.

Ex: No martini for you, Seymour?

Seymour: Oh, no... I couldn't. I enjoy a cocktail now and then, but martinis... it's the olives...

Ex: What about them?

Seymour: They... well... the shape and color remind me a little of... :



Ex: Ahh... say no more.

BB: Never.

Ex (smiling at BB, then getting slightly serious for a second): Say, wait a minute... Dev... didn't you... didn't you die in "Lord of the Oval"? How are you... is this some Durlan thing?

Dev: Chronal duplicate... I'm from before the Oval happened. At some point in the future, you travel back in time and tell me to come to the future to buy you a martini. The whole thing sounds a bit screwy but... (shrugs)

Ex (head spinning): I do what, now?

Dev: It's all part of something called "Time War"... if it ever gets going again.

Ex (metatextually indignant): I know... right? Who the heck's supposed to be plotting that thing? Talk about lazy!


(A restaurant holo-grapher passes by the table): Hey, LMB... say, "Klordny"!

Ex, Seymour, and Dev (smiling): KLORDNY!

BB (smiling): NEVER!

Dear Editor:

I am really enjoying following the adventures of Exnihil in the "100 Toothpicks" story, but I can't help feeling a sense of deja vu. I might be misremembering, but wasn't there once a similar story featuring a Golden Age Exnihil?

Tom Fatsi,
Metropolis, Earth



(Plus one for your keen memory, Tom... but minus two on the finer details. You are correct that the current story has a Golden Age predecessor... but our Exnihil is, nevertheless, the first person to go by that specific code-name.

Ex is the 31st Century descendent of the Golden Age aviator, "Captain X-Zero," who met each of the 23 heroes of the Justice Society of Message Board Posters for a drink during the year-long crossover called, "23 Skidoo and a Swizzle-Stick for You".



Reprinted above, for the first time since the 1940's, is the panel where Captain X-Zero met - in their civilian identities - the beautiful Conciliatress and the mystery man called The Green Miasma.

We're reminded of that old phrase that says that while history may not repeat itself, it does - at least - rhyme.

- Ed.)

Ex: Wow, Computer... three in one weekend was a trip! Let's keep the momentum going. Who's next?

Computer: I'm afraid the timeline cannot accommodate three targets this weekend, sir... but two will be quite achievable.

Ex: All right, I suppose it will have to do. What sort of challenge are you laying out for me this time?

Computer: Actually, the second of the two targets this weekend... target 18... will not be a challenge at all. In fact - for obtaining a martini - you are not likely to find an easier target.

Ex: Oh? Go on...

Computer: It seems that target 18 is actually employed at a tavern.

Ex: Cool... bring up the display.

Computer: Processing... processing... acquired:





Ex: Oh, right on! But why show me the second one first?

Computer: Because, sir, I'm afraid that the first of the two - target 17 - actually might present a bit of a challenge.

Ex: Why's that?

Computer: I would suspect that any place you choose to go would have at least a modicum of a dress code.

Ex: And?

Computer: It seems that target 17 has a rather... unique... fashion eccentricity.

Ex: What? Oh, just bring up the display, already.

Computer: Very good, sir. Processing... processing... acquired:





Ex: Ah. Well... most places just say "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service," right? I never read a thing about pants.






What next, faithful thread-watchers?

Will Exnihil's pantless companion spell doom for the 100 Toothpicks project?

Will his second companion's skills be pushed to the very limit as Ex seeks the perfect martini?

Will other ludicrous questions will be posed as this preposterous venture continues?




OK... we'll give you the answer to that last one... it's "Yes".




But tune in next weekend, as we find out the answers to the other two in:

August 3, 2:30 PM:


(Having followed his computer's guidance about selecting a suitable location for a rendezvous with Target 17...



...Exnihil nevertheless finds himself at a bit of a loss as his dinner-mate casually continues the story he's been telling)


Poverty Lad: ...and that's why I'm saying that Mars has gotten a bad rap on Earth. It's just a long series of misunderstandings that just kept building.

Exnihil: Uh-huh...

Pov: Like that whole "War of the Worlds" thing... they were just setting up those tripods for photography. Martians love Terran landscape photos.

Ex: Right...

Pov: And that J'onzz guy back in the 50's... OK, sure... maybe "Man-hunter" wasn't really the best name for an alien hero...

Ex: Sure...

Pov: But I'll not stand by while the good name of my great-uncle Marvin is sullied. The poor man had a nervous condition... the only thing that gave him peace was the sound of an "earth-shattering kaboom".

Ex: Yeah... of course...

Pov: Ex... are you OK? I sort of get the feeling you're a bit distracted.

Ex: It's just... I'm sorry... I... I just always thought it was a joke.

Pov: What's a joke? What are you...? (Pov looks around, then down, as It suddenly dawns on him) Ohhhhh! The pants thing? Haha... no, that's real... never wear 'em.

Ex: But...

Pov: Look, it's no big deal... just go ahead and look... it'll break the ice.

Ex (hesitantly looking down): I really don't think I... wow... so... OK, then... yeah... you just really let it all hang out, dontcha?

Pov: You know it, man. Now come on, cheer up, Ex... let's see that smile! It's time for that holo-pic with your cocktail.

Ex: Sure, of course. But... uh... maybe just say, "martini"?

Pov. As opposed to cock...

Ex: You got it.

Pov: ...tail

Ex: Yeah...that either.

Luckily, the Greek brothers who own that fine establishment tolerate my lack of pants. As long as I remain seated, of course.

August 4th, 4PM:

[music]
You wanna go where people know...
People are all the same...
You wanna go where everybody knows...
Your name.
[/music]





lil' Rhino: Ex... I am so glad you decided to collect your toothpick from me in my own bar.

Exnihil: You kidding me, Rhino? How could I not come here? So much history... so many folks who passed though the doors...

Rhino: Yeah. (growing wistful) You remember Minty Fresh?

Ex: Yeah! Say... what ever happened...

Rhino: One too many Grasshoppers... she hopped out of here one night and I never saw her again. Then there was Fruntaholic.

Ex: Yeah, right... where did he...

Rhino: 12 step program. He's doing well, I hear... but me and that broken jukebox there are still waiting on the "Make Amends" step. Then, of course, there was good old Señor Widebottom.

Ex: Oh my gosh... I nearly forgot about him. What...

Rhino: Low carb diet. In the last couple years those comical oversized pantloons were hiding more than just a spare seltzer bottle, if you know what I mean.

Ex: Wow. A lot of good times, Rhino. Come here, man... let me at least give you a new holo-pic for your wall.





Rhino: Nice! Really. But not... you know... historic.

Ex: What do you mean?

Rhino: Well... this place already has plenty of pictures of me... and with this "Toothpicks" thing... way too many of you. We need something historic.

Ex: What do you suggest?

Rhino: How's about... Target #19:





Ex: Holy cow... are you serious? Now that would be historic. How do you propose we...

Rhino: Come on, Ex... this is my bar... you want magic... just take a step back, and look at things from a different point of view...





Ex: Holy crap... Sarky!

Sarcasm Kid: Thanks for noticing me.

Ex: Guys, seriously... thanks so much. You have no idea... this really is an historic day.

Sarky: Whatevs. Didn't you ever hear that saying, man? History might not repeat itself... but it does rhyme.

Ex: That does sound slightly familiar.

Sarky: Anyway... forget this noise... you guys just keep drinking - or whatever it is that old people do. Me? I've got comics to read.





[out of character]
Great meetup! Huge to you both!
[/out of character]

Computer: All right, sir... beginning calculations for your next targ...

Exnihil (interrupting): Wait just a New York minute, there! Before you start running your punchcards or whatever, you mind telling me what the big idea is with miscalculating the last destination? You said I'd only be able to acquire two targets last weekend,, and I wound up getting three. Seriously... what the heck kind of day-planner are you?

Computer: As I've mentioned, I'm not actually a day planner, sir... I'm a...

Ex (interrupting again): And what about the solicit? Sarky needs a chapter title.

Computer: I had prepared the following...





Ex (begrudgingly): OK... well... that's actually pretty good... but it still doesn't explain what's up with you missing the calculation.

Computer: It is a mystery, sir. I have been feeling strange lately... as though some outside force has been attempting to access my data cells.

Ex: A hacker? Are you serious... why would anyone try to...?

Computer: Sir! I feel it again! Even as we speak, someone is... bzzzzzzzztttt.. someone... frrzzzzzttt... smzzzzztttttt...

(For a moment the computer goes dead... then suddenly speaks again... but this time with a female voice)

Computer: Hello? Hey! You there, Nihil?

Ex: What...? I... wait just a minute! EMILY!?!?!



Emily Sivana speaking through the Computer: Glad to see you're not totally brain-dead from your two and a half-month long bender.

Ex: Emily, what the sprock? You're hacking my day planner, now?

Emily: I didn't "hack it". I "commandeered" it. And it's not a day-planner, you numbskull... it's an Omni-3014... the latest in high-tech multiversal nano-computational...

Ex: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Emily: ... you know what, Nihil? Never mind. Yes... I'm hacking your day planner.

Ex: Ah-ha! Why would you do that?

Emily: Because I'm tired of operating on your schedule. You think I've got nothing better to do then wait around for you to go through the whole Legion World directory? At this rate you'll be meeting with Grendel the Lurker before you get to me.

Ex (smiling): You like me.

Emily: Ugh... in your dreams, pomade-head. I just like settling business as quickly as possible. So here's the deal: Be at my house this Saturday... don't pick me up too late...

Ex: Wait... I'm picking you up, now?

Emily: Yes. And don't go scheduling 20 different meet-ups, either. I'm not going to put up with you running off halfway through lunch to drive 500 miles away...

Ex: What? You do realize that the last two weekends I've been able to fit in three a...

Emily: Grife, Nihil... do you ever stop talking? Focus here... one meet-up.

Ex: Fine... Anything else?

Emily: Yes. Maybe try tucking in your shirt once in a while... you look like a fracking hobo in those holo-pics.

Ex: Hey! Those are my comfortable traveling cloth...

Emily (interrupting): Sivana out. (click)

Ex (smiling to himself as the line goes dead): Yeah... she likes me.

Computer (coming back online): bzzzzzzzzztt... grzzzztttt... trrrrrrrrrrying to hack my data cells. Sir! I am sensing lost time! What has occurred?

Ex: It's OK, Clocky... it's over now. It was just Emily Sivana.

Computer: Sivana? Sir... I... I... I feel so... violated.

Ex: So do I, buddy. Trust me... so do I.







And there we are, faithful thread-watchers... a one on one meetup next weekend as Ex finally heads back to the original planned get-together spot, and tells the Chi-Town story of:

This has been a long commercial time-out.

I think Ex had one too many last night in Chi-town...

August 10, 7PM:


Exnihil (shouting to a passing waiter): Hey, garcon! You wanna have the people at the next table pipe down? People are trying to eat here! (turning back to Emily) Sorry... what were you saying?

Emily Sivana (sarcastically): Just how classy you are.

Ex: Darn tootin'.

Em (rubbing her eyes in exasperation): Grife... what is wrong with you, Nihil?

Ex: What do you mean?

Em: I... I don't even know where to begin. Do you have any idea why I'm always looking out for you?

Ex (grinning): Because you like me.

Em (ignoring him): Because I feel bad for you. You're like a lost puppy, or a turtle on its back, or something.

Ex: Pfft.

Em: I'm serious. You have no focus. Here we are... following the biggest threat that the LMB ever faced. We've lost members... people's lives have been changed forever... there is even talk of a conspiracy inside our ranks... and you've spent the summer drinking martinis.

Ex: Ooooh, good idea! Garcon!

Em: Arrrggh!

Ex (growing serious for a moment): Listen... Emily. I hear what you're saying. I do. But, you know, even though you might not see it now, things like this - (motions around the table) - these are every bit as important as fighting the good fight.

Em: I don't...

Ex: No, no... just hear me out, here. Sure... going out there on the battlefield... fighting Phineas B. Fuddle, or the Red Bee, or the One Called the One, or whoever... is important. It keeps the universe safe and it's what defines us as teammates.

Em: Exactly.

Ex: But this? Breaking down the walls between us... regardless of our backgrounds... whatever race or planet we come from? That's important, too. Maybe even more so. It's what happens between the fights. Just being there for each other is a tremendous part of the LMB's mission. It's what defines us as friends. Hell... it's what defines us as Legion.

Em (taken aback): Nihi... I... Ex... th... that's actually sort of beautiful.

Ex (looking down): Yeah.

Em: I didn't know that you...

Ex (looking up and suddenly interrupting): Oh! And speaking of beautiful... I notice you haven't even mentioned my hair tonight. Come on. This is a brand new gel I'm trying out. Nothing?

Em (rolling her eyes and taking a big sip of her drink): Ugh... this is going to be a long night.

Ex (under his breath): girlwhowantsaholowiththebestlookingguyintheroomsaysgrifenihilwhatareyouyammeringaboutnow?

Em: Grife, Nihil... what are you yammering about now?

(click)

Smack'em Emily! *In a nice, friendly sorta way.

(Rubbing the side of his face, Exnihil fires up his Computer)

Computer: Good morning, sir. I trust your meeting with Ms. Sivana was... oh! Sir... are you aware of the reddened imprint of a small female hand upon your cheek?

Ex: I'm well aware there, Clocky, but thanks for pointing it out.

Computer: You are very welcome.

Ex: Well... all's well that ends well, I suppose. At a bare minimum, Emily promised not to hack into your databanks any more.

Computer: That is a relief, sir. Although...

Ex: Yeah?

Computer: Well, I don't mean to alarm you sir, but - after Ms. Sivana's access was detected - I performed a routine audit of my root level directories, and it appears that there has been a secondary breach, as well.

Ex: What?!

Computer: I'm afraid so, sir. It appears that your navigatory plan for the past few months has been accessed several times:





Ex: I'm being tracked??? How long has this been going on?

Computer: Apparently since the fifth post of this thread, sir.

Ex: The fifth what of the what? Cut out all the technical mumbo jumbo! In plain Interlac... who has been tracking me?

Computer: processing... processing...





Ex: Great Scott! Well... actually...truth be told... I suppose that's not all that surprising. Nevertheless... this cannot stand! It looks like our tracker just became Target # 21.

Computer: If that is your intent, sir... might I recommend that you combine this meeting with a second objective, as well?

Ex: The more the merrier... show me Target # 22.

Computer: You may, however, want to avoid referring to him as a "target," sir... simply to avoid any confusion.

Ex: Confusion about what?

Computer: Well... it seems he has been known to carry a shotgun:





Ex: Gulp.








And away we go, pickies... full speed ahead toward this weekend, with double the value for your money as we present:











All this... PLUS:


A surprise twist you'll have to see to believe...

Or... perhaps... have to believe to see...

Or... perhaps... something else entirely...

I don't know... something. Whatever. Just trust me... it's pretty cool.

This thread is a riot! - And unlike other great literary works, you can't skip to the last chapters to see how it all turns out, which makes it even more tantalizing!

I've heard rumors that Channing Tatum is in negotiations for the 100 Toothpicks movie role of Exnihil (to be renamed "The Picker")...

Uh, I mean

that's reasonable.

August 17, 4PM:


(Exnihil, tipped to the fact that Legion Tracker has been tracking him over the past three months, has decided that turn about is fair play. He lies in wait behind a tree as LT comes into view)




Legion Tracker (looking at his own com): Thirty-two degrees... forty-six minutes... north... seventy-nine degrees... fifty ni...

Exnihil (jumping out): Ah-ha! Hold it right there, LT... the jig is up!

LT: I... uh... Ex? What are you doing here? What are you talking about? What jig?

Exnihil: Don't play coy with me... you've been hacking into my day-planner... following my every move.

LT: No, no... you've got it all wrong. Sure... I accessed your publicly available travel records... but that's only one source I've been using to try to track down a person for someone else.

Exnihil: You're saying you're on a case? For who?

Rickshaw (entering the scene along with a woman): Fer me, thet's who!

Ex: Rick?! And who is...

Rick: This little lady? This here's muh bride, Life of the Party Lass.




Life of the Party Lass: That's actually just my code name. Like everyone from Rick's planet, I also have a traditional tribal name.

Ex: Oh... you mean like the way Rick is sometimes called "Cranky McBasstard"?

Rick: Yew got it, Ex. "Cranky McBasstard" in muh planet's language means "Sound of a Shotgun Bein' Loaded at Dawn".

Ex (to LotP Lass): And what's your traditional name?

LotP Lass: "Cutting Jibe that Puts You in Your Place While the Whole Room Laughs".

Ex: And what does that translate to?

LotP: "Snarky McBitch".

Ex: Of course it does. So... wait... I'm totally confused. If you're not tracking me... then why are you guys here?

LT: Rick hired me a few months back to try to track down those kids who keep getting onto his grass.

Rick: Thet's right! Ahm about fed up with them kids. How can ah keep a good lookin' lawn with footprints all over the durned place?

LT: Well, Rick... I think I've finally got an answer... it's not kids at all.

Rick: It ain't?

LT: No... it's actually...







All together: LARDY???




Rick: Whut's the big idea, there, Lardy? How come yew been trompin' all across muh grass?

Paladin: I've been staking you out. It was actually Ex that first gave me the idea.

Ex: Me?

Paladin: Yeah... when you first grabbed me for this "100 Toothpicks" thing, I had such a good time, I couldn't wait to hang out with more Legion Worlders. I figured I could start targeting a few folks of my own. Rick and LT might be your 21st and 22nd targets... but they're actually my second and third. I'm thinking about maybe calling my project... "100 Hamburgers".

Rick: Well, shoot... that idea there's gone and started makin' me hungry.

Ex: Yeah... and me thirsty.

LotP Lass: What do you think, LT? Can that com of yours find a good place, or is it just for show?

LT: Way ahead of you... we're already plotted out and ready to go...




Later...



Paladin: Well... I just have one thing to say about this:



All: SWEET ASS SWEET!!!

The gang's all here! Awesome!

I DEMAND the 100 Hamburgers spin-off!

Tee-hee. Snarky McBitch and Cranky McBasstard. That is so funny.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Oh Quis, you have no idea.



Sorry I'm late reporting in. Lardy now has me trying to track down Fart Girl. You'd be surprised how many false trails and dead ends that involves.

I just need to correct part of Exnihil's story. He said he waited for me behind a tree and jumped out. The truth is I was standing in an open field checking my com, when I looked up and saw this:



It was as if he appeared...well...out of nothing.

I'm afraid I must make a confession.

LT is far more devious, twisted, evil, insidious, twisted, demented, funny and twisted than I could ever be.

*Okay, that's not true, but he takes a really good shot at it.

Hey, waitaminnit! Shouldn't the nice lady in the picture(s) have red hair?!?!





This is all very nice and inspiring and all, but I do have one problem...



Sorry, but I just really needed to get that off my chest. Carry on.

LOVE!!!!

Exnihil: Wow! That was so much fun... and what a surprise that Lardy showed up!

Computer: Actually, sir - given the proximity of the other two targets - the likelihood that Paladin would have joined the gathering was rather high. The exact percentage calculates out to...

Ex: Blah, blah, blah... man, you sap the fun out of everything.

Computer: Now that is simply unkind, sir. And after I had taken the trouble of preparing an emergency solicit to cover the event.

Ex: You did? Gimme... gimme... gimme...

Computer: I'm not certain. Are you finished insulting me?

Ex: Yes. Now... gimme... gimme... gimme...

Computer: Sigh...fine. So... I imagined that since Paladin was your first target, you wouldn't have wanted to additionally sequence him as Target 23.

Ex: Good thinking... we don't need any "Grover Cleveland" action up in here.

Computer: Grover Cleveland was actually the 22nd and 24th... never mind, sir... in a strange way, that nearly does make sense.

Ex: What... you think I just wing this stuff?

Computer: Ahem. In any case, I was thinking that it might be appropriate to refer to the event as...





Ex: Now that is just a little piece of brilliance,

Computer: Why... thank you, sir... I was quite pleased with the way that it...

Ex (interrupting): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway... so if Lardy's not also Target 23... who is?

Computer: Processing...processing... hmm... it appears that your next destination may be in a rather difficult weather zone. Are you familiar with the extreme climate of Hyustyn?

Ex: Hyustyn? Shut up! I'm meeting with Hyvvie the Wonder-Beagle? So cool! Wait... can dogs even drink martinis? I suppose I could pour it in his bowl. But what about olives, though? We need to make sure they're pitted and...

Computer: Sir... sir... your target is actually the Wonder-Beagle's master...





Ex: Oh. Um... OK... that's... uh... that's good, too, I guess.

Computer (sympathetic): You really wanted to meet Hyvvie, didn't y...

Ex (quickly interrupting): I really wanted to meet Hyvvie.






What's this, thread-watchers?


Will Exnihil be able to meet the famed Wonder-Beagle?

Will he pack correctly for the red-hot-ice-cold climate of the Rookery?

And just how does Old Dutch the Super-Cow figure into all this?


Find out the answers to these and many other interesting questions... at your local library. But stay tuned here this coming weekend for:

Yeah, I see what you're doing there.

Looking forward to the Hyvie episode. It does seem epic!

August 24, 2PM:


Rockhopper Lad (raising his glass) : A toast... to a great friend of the Pyngwyn Colonies of Planet Hyustyn... Exnihil!

The other guests dining at the lodge of the Rookery: Here, here!




Exnihil: You're too kind, Prince Eudyptes.

Rocky: Bah, no need to stand on ceremony, Ex... we're teammates... feel free to call me "Rocky".

Ex: Absolutely, then... Rocky... this is really great. You really have been so kind in hosting me. I have to admit, though, I thought the Rookery was going to be a lot colder. I think I over packed.

Rocky (laughing): Oh, no... this lodge is climate controlled to be comfortable for the majority of sentients that we host. Hopefully the only thing you'll find cold here... is your drink. Ha, ha.

Ex (smiling): The staff has been amazing, as well... although I can't help feeling a little disappointed that your friend, Hyvvie, wasn't able to join us.

Rocky (growing serious):




Rocky: Yes... my apologies, Ex. I'm afraid Hyfrydol has been a bit out of sorts lately.

Ex: Nothing serious I hope?

Rocky: Oh, no... he's not ill or anything... just a bit melancholy.

Ex: Have you tried rubbing his belly?

Rocky (slightly amused):




Rocky: I'm sorry... have I tried what now?

Ex: Oh... I forgot... your planet has no native mammals, do they? Well... on Earth, at least - where my family came from... there was nothing that would cheer up a dog more than a belly rub.

Rocky: Hmmm... well, I suppose it is worth a try. You'll demonstrate?

Ex nods.

Rocky (standing): Then let us tarry no longer. To Hyvvie's quarters at once!



Later:




Ex (rubbing Hyvvie's belly): Who's a good boy, huh? You are! Yes, you are!

Rocky: This... this is amazing... may I?

Ex: I insist.




Rocky: And then I... simply ask him a series of questions while confirming the answer? Who is a good boy, Hyvvie? Is it you? It is, indeed.

Ex (laughing): You got it, man. I think he's going to be OK.

Rocky: And does this process work on all mammals?

Ex: Well...

Rocky: I was thinking that Old Dutch the Super-Cow has also seemed a bit downtrodden of late.

Ex: Yeeeeeeeah... no... I don't think that...

Rocky (standing, as he interrupts): Let us hie to the Pasture of Solitude!

Ex: Oh... OK, then...

I love the expression on Hyvvie's face in the second picture. Today happens to be the eighth anniversary of my adopting him, so it's doubly good to see a pic of the smile that melted my heart that day.

Did you adopt him or did he adopt you?

Yes!

Ex: So...Computer... I've been wondering something...

Computer: Is it why you rubbed a cow's belly, sir?

Ex: No... it was whether the... saaaaaaay! You're not cracking wise there, are you, Clocky?

Computer: Perish the thought, sir.

Ex (begrudgingly): All right, then... good... glad we cleared that up... hmph. (pause) (pause) It was at the request of a royal family member, you know?

Computer: You needn't explain yourself to me, sir.

Ex: Moving on...

Computer: Yes. "Moo"-ving on, indeed.

Ex: All right, just cut that out! So... anyway... my question is... "100 Toothpicks"?

Computer: That is not really a question, sir.

Ex (ignoring the computer): What exactly does that refer to?

Computer: It's the title that the narrator gave to your quest back in the first post.

Ex: Yeah, yeah, sure... so... discounting the metaphysical implications of this thing even having a narrator... much less it being subdivided into something called "posts"...

Computer: Well... you are a member of the Legion of Message Board Posters, after all.

Ex: I know... I know... don't even get me started on that. I guess what I mean to say is... do the toothpicks refer to people? Like... am I meeting with 100 different posters to settle up? Or is it 100 drinks? Like... do my own count? Am I only meeting with 50 people? How long is this thing?

Computer: The narrator said, "It will take as long as it takes."

Ex: Oh, well... that's comforting. I have to admit... it sort of makes my head spin.

Computer: That may also be the sustained effect of travel, sir.

Ex: What? No way! Wait... you think?

Computer: Perhaps it might be prudent to take a more relaxed approach to your journey this coming weekend. Perhaps slightly less stimulation.

Ex: Yeah... that does sound nice. Maybe a chill Sunday afternoon...

Computer: Exactly, sir...

Ex: ...in a relaxed, outdoorsy setting...

Computer: There you are.

Ex: ...with lots and lots of...

Computer: Sleep, sir?

Ex: CAFFEINE!!!

Computer: Wait... what? No...

Ex: Ha... too late... I said the magic word! "As long as it takes," huh? That sounds like a challenge to me! Bring me... Target 24!

Computer: Oh, good lord... processing... processing...




Ex: Bingo!






And so, fair thread-watchers... the seasons passed... the waning spring of May seeming like a long bygone memory, as the coming autumn of September drew near, and Ex continued on his journey of discovery... now spanning into a second country with...







Join us, won't you?


(And if you do... can you bring some Canadian quarters? I'm not entirely sure how the parking meters work up there. )

Ex, I have to warn you. This may be the single most perilous stop on your journey. Remember this one FACT, She is Stoopid Cat's older sister and she taught him EVERYTHING!

Proceed at your own risk, Brother. You have my com code. I can't help you but I can notify your next of kin.

Oh drat. I had like 50 dollars in looney money the bank wouldn't take. Oh well, a little out of the way now.

emm, remember, I think it's custom to curtsy. and karoke.

I want to say Leo Dorsey is a fugitive up there, so flash your passport real quick...

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for Socialized Medicine today.

oh dear. as if i wasn't jealous before. Power Boy loves coffee too.

The paparazzi await Ex Nihil's arrival in Halifax:

A few days in Canada could turn him into one pasty looking Italian. What's the opposite of sun block?

August 31st, 10PM:


(Exnihil - having arrived several hours earlier at his temporary lodging on his way to visit Fat Cramer the following day - steps outside to see an unexpected visitor staring off into the distance)




Exnihil: Stoopid Cat? What are you doing here? You thinking of joining your sister and I tomorrow for a drink? I'm pretty sure we could scare you up a saucer of milk.

Stoopid Cat: Mmmmmm... ever the jester, aren't we, human?

Ex (taking a seat next to him): Aww... come on, Cat... I'm just teasing you.

Stoopid Cat: It is said that it is the jester's prerogative to speak plainly to a king...

Ex: A king? What are you...?

Stoopid Cat (interrupting - still staring off) ... but it is only a cat that may look at him. And trust me, human... I've been looking at him for a very long time.




Ex: What are you on about?

Stoopid Cat (finally looking up): You may attempt to play the fool with the LMB, human... but do not presume to tempt my patience. I am well aware of your intent as you scurry about collecting toothpicks... but it is the one that is missing from the box that should be of concern to you and the Grrggian.

Ex (growing serious): How do you know about...?

Stoopid Cat (interrupting again): Before us lies a vast beach...




Stoopid Cat: ...each rock a reflection of a time long past. Beyond the hardened rocks lie the sands... the times yet unfallen. With each passing moment, these sands erode away... drawn back into the chaotic waters where he reigns.

Ex: He?

Stoopid Cat: And beyond that, human... nothing. Nothing at all, save the whiteness of his victory.

Ex: All right, Cat... I think that's enough foreshadowing for now. Who knows what prying ears are about. And speaking of ears... c'mere you...




Stoopid Cat (as Ex scratches his ear): Mmmmmmmmm... yes, human... dooooooo thaaaat.

Ex (picking him up): OK, Cat... perhaps you do know what Cobie and I are up to... but trust me this time. In no way is the enemy's victory a foregone conclusion. If I have to line up 1000 toothpicks... I will find him.

September 1, 1PM:


Exnihil (entering into Cafe Cramer and sidling into the chair next to the proprietress): Sorry I'm late, Cramey... late night visitor last night.

Fat Cramer: Nonsense, dear... not at all. Your visitor... anyone I know?

Ex: Actually... yeah... although I'm not quite sure how. I've always heard that Stoopid Cat is your "brother"... but how is that poss...?

Fat Cramer (laughing lightly, as she interrupts): Oh... don't worry about that, Ex. All of we "cats" are brothers and sisters, in a sense. And we all have the same "mother".

Ex: You do?

Fat Cramer: In a sense. (looking around in a jokingly theatrical manner, and then leaning in close): Shhhhhh.... "Holy Cats of Egypt," and all that.

Ex: Heh, gotcha. Say... by the way... you're not looking particularly "cat-like" today.

Fat Cramer (grinning): No... no, not today.

Ex: I didn't know you could do that.

Fat Cramer: Well... we cats to tend keep our own council. So... how is your project coming along? Where do you go from here?

Ex: I'm not quite sure... I generally put myself in the hands of my computer. I do know that - before too long - I'll be heading a bit to the northwest of Legion World.

Fat Cramer: Oh... dedman's up that way, isn't he?

Ex: Yeah... and Kent... and Cleome... and... well... just a whole bunch of folks.

Fat Cramer (raising her mug): Well... best of luck to you, Ex.

Ex (smiling): Heh... I think this is the first time I've ever toasted a martini glass to a coffee mug!

Fat Cramer (smiling as well): I assure you, dear... it won't be the last.

Exnihil: Wow, that was a fantastic time visiting with Fat Cramer.

Computer: Hmm? Oh... yes, sir. Ms. Cramer is a delightful woman.

Ex: You all right there, Clocky? You sound a little distracted.

Computer: Oh, it's nothing, sir... just...

Ex: Come on... out with it.

Computer: Well... as you know... among my billion plus functions are several elements of Wellsian tech temporal anomaly detection.

Ex: The what of the what of the what, now? I thought you were just a day-planner.

Computer: Sigh...

Ex: I didn't realize a computer could sigh.

Computer: In any case... fifteen hours prior to your meeting with Ms. Cramer, when you were visited by Stoopid Cat... you had powered me down.

Ex: Figured you could use a rest.

Computer: I require no rest. But... more to the point... when I was powered back up, there was the distinct residual signature of a chronal anomaly. Did your meeting with the cat contain any...?

Ex (interrupting): Nope.

Computer: I... I didn't finish my question, sir. And this isn't the first time during this project that I've encountered something like this. Your meetings with Paladin, Cobalt Kid, and Dev Em each contained traces of...

Ex (interrupting): Give it a rest, huh, Clocky? You're starting to sound like Emily with her talk of a "conspiracy". If I had to take a guess... I'd say you're probably just experiencing a residual faux-personality override stemming from the period when she had commandeered your core processing banks.

Computer: Sir?

Ex: I mean... uh... that... or something. Anyway... just stop thinking about any "chronal anomalies", Clocky. You're just being paranoid. Now... on to more important things... who are we seeing next?

Computer: processing... processing...




Ex: Really? Wow... I haven't seen him since The Long Klordn... oh, crap! I sort of left him in a cliffhanger, didn't I?:

http://www.legionworld.net/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=136110#Post136110


Computer: Sort of, sir? That may be a bit of an understatement. When last you were relating that tale, we had reached the point where you had a blaster trained on him as he begged for his life, in a scene quite derivative of - if not wholesale ripped off from - the 20th Century holo-pic "Miller's Crossi..."

Ex (interrupting): Aaaaaanyway... clearly if we're meeting now... I didn't shoot him then, right? Right?

Computer: I'm afraid I've been instructed to "stop thinking about any chronal anomalies," sir.

Ex: Hmmph. Well... anyway... I'm sure that Target #25 will let bygones be bygones.

Computer: Oh, yes, sir... I'm sure.






And, away we go, thread-watchers...

Another toothpick placed into the grade school science fair project that is this thread, as we travel full speed ahead toward this weekend, and:





Mmmm... 25.

What a nice number. I wonder if there will be any sort of special significance to this one?

Nah... probably not.

(An Omnicom rings).

(Exnihil strolls into the main room of his flat, and disappears briefly through an open doorway to the right. We hear a door shushing open and then closed, and then Ex reenters again, still not reacting to the insistently ringing Omnicom.)

(Walking over to the facing chair at the window end of the room, Ex shrugs off his overcoat, drapes it on the chair, sits, crosses his legs, takes off his hat, tosses it onto the upraised toes of his crossed leg. He tilts his head back.)

(After a beat, he takes a toothpick out of his breast pocket, pops it between his teeth, and reaches back for the Omnicom that refuses to stop ringing. He answers.)


Exnihil: Yeah...?


(He casually looks forward, just off to one side, at a specific point in space, not reacting to whatever he is hearing.)


Ex: ... I need more time, Babette... Because I don't have it...


(His gaze is still fixed and emotionless.)


Ex: ... Because I say so ... What would be good enough? ... Well, if it'll make him feel any better, tell Semi he can send someone by to break my legs. I won't squawk.


(Ex taps off the Omnicom, still looking off. With his tongue he moves the toothpick slightly in his mouth, then... after a beat... speaks again toward a dark corner of the room.)


Ex: 'Lo, Kid. Come on in… make yourself at home.


(Slouched in a chair, in the corner of the room, facing Ex... is Kid Quislet. Kid Quis turns on the lamp on the table at his elbow. He holds a gun casually in his lap.)


Kid Quis: 'Lo, Ex. Thought I'd do that, since you didn't seem to be in. Figured it was a bad idea to wait in the hall, seeing as how the last time we were together, quite a few people were looking for my blood.


(Ex is silent)


Kid Quis: Guess I made sort of scene up there on Luna... begging you not to shoot me. Heh... you didn't tell anyone about that?

Ex: No.

Kid Quis: Good. Of course... you know about it. It's... it's a painful memory. And I can't help remembering that you put the finger on me, and you took me out there to whack me. I know you didn't... I know you didn't shoot me... but...

Ex: But what have I done for you lately?

Kid Quis: Don't smart me. See... I wanna watch you squirm. I wanna see you sweat a little. And when you smart me... (He rises to his feet, keeping the gun trained on Ex) ... it ruins it.


(Kid Quislet pulls the trigger)









Ex: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Kid Quis (completely startled, as the whole restaurant turns to see Ex's bizarre behavior). Whoa... Ex! Calm down, man... are you all right?

Ex (confused for a moment... then - realizing where he is - sits back down.) Whoa... sorry about that... vivid daydream.

Kid Quis: I guess so! "The Long Klordny" again?

(Ex nods)

Kid Quis: Another "Miller's Crossing" scene ripoff?

Ex: Yeah! Say... how'd you know that?

Kid Quis: Well... no offense... but you're sort of a predictable writer, Ex... a little cliche.

Ex: Cliche?

Kid Quis: Li'l bit. Hey... you ever going to finish that story?

Ex: Someday... I always seem to have a lot of different projects going.

Kid Quis: Yeah? Well... maybe this will help light a fire under you!

(Ex jumps up... expecting Kid Quis to pull out a gun. A confused waitress approaches and sets down a beer and a martini.)

Kid Quis (shaking his head): I just meant your drink, you goof!

Ex (sitting down again): Oh... yeah, of course.

Kid Quis: Sheesh... maybe a little bit less late-night film noir for you, man.

Ex (nodding, as he takes a sip) Yeah... yeah, I think that would be for the best.

Ex, the way you write each LMBer you meet just meshes so well with their LMB personas. I wonder, how much of their "real world selves" did you incorporate into the writing?

[out of character]


None at all, Ibby.

Each of the 25 individuals (plus the cat) that I've "met" thus far in this thread are alts of mine, and their personalities just my own creations. The photos I've used are just public domain stock photos that I've cleverly Photoshopped myself into. Pretty neat, huh?



So... as I implied a few posts back, it's time for the "100 Toothpick" project to go on temporary hiatus as I recharge my batteries and focus on a few "real-world" type things. Fear not, though... we'll be back in short order as I relaunch in style with a blitz of (and getting blitzed in) the Pacific Northwest.



In any case - since I'm doing a little "behind the curtain" stuff, anyway - I thought I'd take a moment to talk about the "Chapter Titles" I've been using throughout. I think most people realize that they're sort of "Easter egg" references, but - since some of them are fairly obscure - I thought I'd give a "master key".

So first off...



The main title, "100 Toothpicks" is a play on the old Vertigo title "100 Bullets". I think most people realize I'm a big "noir" fan, so I thought it would be cool to do a riff on that where each of the people I was meeting were "targets". The "toothpicks" are my prize, basically a badge of honor for having a drink with a LWer. (Quick note... the coolest one was a little duck topped swizzle stick that I got when I visited Lash in Memphis... oddly, though... as a couple folks noticed... that was the time I didn't even have a martini, instead opting for a bourbon Manhattan.)


Ch 1 - A Town Called Goose Creek

OK... right off the bat, obscura. This title is a play on the song "A Town Called Malice" by the Jam (itself a reference to the book, "A Town Like Alice". There is no significance to this choice of title for me, other than the fact that it sounded sort of "noir-y". Goose Creek is the real world town I was heading toward, fictionalized in LMB lore as Lardy's home planetoid, GusCrek.


Ch 2 - The Long Conn.

A couple different references here. Firstly, quite simply is that - although we met in NY - Cobie's from Connecticut. Secondly, it's a play on words of "The Long Con" - an episode of the show "LOST" that Cobie and I were both fans of, and a very early reference to the fact that the true (still to be revealed) purpose of the Toothpicks project ties into very long term plot for an LMB story called, "Time War," involving a conspiracy that Cobie and I cooked up.


Ch 3 - Start Spreading the News...

A line from Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" that both referenced the fact of the meetup location, and the fact that by this point, people watching the thread were starting the realize that this wasn't just a quick thing, but something that I was planning to be huge.


Ch 4 - Vernacular? That's a Doiby!

Heh. This is a line from a classic "Three Stooges" episode, "Disorder in the Court". It references the fact that kenaustin is my oldest online friend, one who I was initially drawn to on the DC boards because we shared a very similar writing style and vernacular. Additionally, the "Doiby" bit references the fact that I was in Kentucky... home of a rather famous derby of their own.


Ch 5 - Up and Down the Dial

A line from the theme song to "WKRP in Cincinnati" referencing both the location of the meetup, and the fact that Lance works in radio.


Ch 6 - King of the Rhode

A play off of the Roger Miller song, "King of the Road" referencing Abin's home state of Rhode Island and the fact that we were taking a road trip together.


Ch 7 - Pahk the Cah

A stereotypical Boston accented phrase, "Pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd" referencing the location and the fact that I was leaving my car (or jeep, actually) at Quis house as he, Abin and I set off to explore the city on foot.


Ch 8 - Missouri Loves Company - Part I: Hey-Hey-Hey-Hey!

The first of the 3 Missouri stops, and a play on the phrase "Misery loves company". Not that anyone was miserable, mind you - quite the opposite - just that they were having company and... forget it, it works fine! The subtitle "Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey" is half of a Little Richard song - the other half being... "Kansas City," where - of course - the meetup occurred... and has the cool side benefit of suggesting the name, "Huey".


Ch 9 - Missouri Loves Company - Part II: What You Unexpect!

"What You Unexpect" is the motto of Columbia, Missouri where I met Jerry... a person I didn't even realize lived in Missouri, until I "unexpectedly" happened to notice it on Facebook as I was planning the trip!


Ch 10 - Missouri Loves Company - Part III: That's the Spirit!

An oblique reference to Charles Lindbergh's plane "The Spirit of St. Louis" referencing the location, and also the fact that Conjie, - a relative newbie to LW - didn't at all object when a relative stranger said, "Hey, I'm coming to visit you."


Ch 11 - Scarlet Billows!

No geographic reference here (as he visited me on my home turf) but rather a line from the Bobby Darin song, "Mack the Knife" that goes "You know when that shark bites... with his teeth, babe... scarlet billows... start to spread". It's echoed in the next post when Ex is selecting a shirt without "a trace of red".


Ch 12 - Help Me Find The Party

A line from the Chuck Berry song, "Memphis, Tennessee" (more famously sung by Johnny Rivers) referring both the location of the meet-up and the fact that if any meet-up was going to be fun, it would be the one with Lash.


Ch 13 - You Walk Your Own Line

A line from the Everly Brothers song, "Bowling Green" referencing the location of the meetup and the name "Lone Wolf".


Ch 14 - You Gotta Lose Your Mind - Part I : Holy Toledo!

The main title is a line from the Kiss song, "Detroit Rock City" referencing the place where BB, Dev, Seymour and I met up... but the subtitle refers to the fact that I stopped first in Toledo to hang with BB solo.


Ch 15 - You Gotta Lose Your Mind - Part II : Standin' Beside You

A continuation of the Detroit meetup, with a line from the musical "Little Shop of Horrors", specifically the song... "Suddenly Seymour".


Ch 16 - You Gotta Lose Your Mind - Part III : ...And Then There Were Three...

A round-about reference, the surface meaning being that this was a meetup with three people, but also a LMB plot point about "Dev Em" currently being dead in continuity. That put me in mind of the whole "Search for Spock" arc in the Star Trek movies and the "Genesis" planet. The title, "...And Then There Were Three..." is an album by... Genesis. Long way around... but any port in a storm.



A pause here for the "Letter to the Editor" that appears. The picture of "Golden Age Exnihil" is - believe it or not - my grandfather. It's one of my favorite photographs (not just of him, but in general) because it so perfectly captures that 1930's/40's style and spirit that I'm so fond of. It's just my grandfather and a buddy (and the buddy's future wife) out at a NY club called "The Latin Quarter" and has nothing to do with any "quest" (that I'm aware of, this is. ).

"23 Skidoo and a Swizzle Stick for You" is just a recast of "100 Toothpicks" into an earlier incarnation, with all of the Golden Age LMB elements being lifted from an old Onevision story by Faraway Lad.

The "author" of the letter, Tom Fatsi, is a real person and the subject of a long-standing Legion World quest to locate a 70's LSH letterhack, which finally came to a happy ending at the hands of lil' Rhino:

http://www.legionworld.net/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=24217#Post24217

I sort of felt like "Fatsi-hunt" was a spiritual precursor to "100 Toothpicks," and wanted to give that a nod.



Ch 17 - Connecticut's For *ucking

This is the title of a punk song by a band called "Jesus H. Christ and the Four Hornsman of the Apocalypse" and refers to both the location of the meetup, and Pov's penchant for off-color jokes.


Ch 18 - The Chores, the Stores, Fresh Air, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda...

This is a riff on the theme to "Green Acres," the most important part, "Times Square" (as the location of the meetup), being "yadda yadda yadda-ed" over in typical NY fashion.


Ch 19 - Big Apple? Pfft... I've Seen Bigger

Just a riff on the nickname of NYC being given the "Sarky" treatment.


Ch 20 - ...And Windy Has Stormy Eyes!

A line from the song, "Windy" by the Association, referencing both Chicago as the "Windy City" and Emily's eyes, something I've often incorporated into my fiction as being highly acute in her position as an archer.


Ch 21 - It's a Lapazoo! - Part I: The Road Leads Back to You

Two parter, the "Lapazoo" being 1920's slang used in the classic song, "The Charleston" which refers to the location of the meetup. The second bit here is a line from "Georgia on my Mind" where Legion Tracker was driving in from.


Ch 22 - It's a Lapazoo! - Part II: Hey, Hey... You, You... Get Off of My Lawn!

And the second part is a take on the Rolling Stones, "Get Off of My Cloud" tweaked to be slightly more... Cranky.


Interlude - A Town Called Goose Creek (Slight Return)

The return of Lardy, in a play on Jimi Hendrix's, "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)"


Ch 23 - Well, You Better Do the Right

This is a from the Leadbelly song, "The Midnight Special", (probably better known as a Creedence Clearwater Revival song) the previous line of which is, "If you´re ever in Houston,"... which I was.


Interlude - The Rare Grace

This was inserted after - upon reaching the cabin in Nova Scotia where my wife and I were staying for the weekend - we read the note asking us if we could feed the stray cat that comes by. Given Abin's previous comment about Stoopid Cat, this was too eerie not to include. The title is a Mark Twain quote that reads, "If animals could speak, the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." Perfect for my characterization of SC.


Ch 24 - Early in the Morning and I'm Far, Far Away

A line from the folk song, "Farewell to Nova Scotia" and a nod to the fact that my visit to see Fat Cramer was the first one that actually brought me to a different country.


Ch 25 - Every Day's Like an Open Door

A line from the song "I Love You, Baltimore" from the musical "Hairspray" again referencing the meetup locale, but also - to my ears - sounding like a particularly "open-ended" way to head off into a hiatus.



So, for fans of annotations (of which - you might have gathered - I'm one), there you are!


[/out of character]

Now I know why suddenly I had to spend 45 minutes in the morning, taming my hair.

It's 11:30 PM after a long day and instead of putting my head on the pillow I'm sitting here fascinated with Ex's annotations. My word, Exnihil, how many of those references rose straight out of your memory? How much, if any, research did you do to find them? What have you done in your 4.3 minutes of free time this summer?

Delightful, my friend. Delightful.

One thing, though. I think you could have found a better stock photo for the Legion Tracker dude. He didn't look at all like I'd imagined him.

Yeah, what the hell?!?! And the "Lardy" stand-in shoulda been a LOT sexier--and TALLER!

You can get a martini in Iran?

100 Toothpicks - Part 2 Preview Review

It's very zen, but is it very now? While fans flocked to the previous arc of this title, will they still be as enamoured with our hero bravely carrying the one, true toothpick through the desolate wastelands?

One can only hope that the author treks more into the territory crafted so well in Wagner's Grendel, than Byrne's experimental "Snowblind" issue of Alpha Flight.

While the latter will certainly be easier to portray ("Look! Here's my toast with ArmFallOffBoy! We're wearing white in this snowdrift. And look who else has turned up...!") it would lack the literal and figurative depth of Wagner's work. Not to mention the stylish toothpick combat scenes of Part 1.

Early rumours regarding an all action homage to Koike's Lone Wolf & Cub have been dismissed by both the prospective Cub and the board of Legion World Censors.

"It's only my name," said Stoopid Cat at the thought of being trailed across the snowy country and the chance of missing out on whims being pandered to. The censor board were busily trying to cancel their white out orders as they issued a hasty "Whew!"

Regardless of scope or influences, the mystery behind what links the holders of the miniature toothpicks is sure to capture interest, and increasing Martini dependency of the audience.


For rumours that Part 3 of 100 toothpicks involves factions formed around different colored toothpicks, Click Here

For more desperate, pandering compliments on books written by other desperate, pandering writers in an "I'll scratch your TPB, if you scratch my movie option" agreement, Click Here

For more on Stoopid Cat's movie phenomena "Vermin Hunter" Click Here

Click here for DC's editorial stances. No click here. No, it's here this morning. Oh, it's moved to Californ-i-a...

...It's happening again...

Or has it happened already...?

^ you really are a creative genius, you know that?

^^ Echo that...knowing Ex, there'll be a fully printed version coming soon!

[out of character]


Thanks so much, guys! I'm so glad you liked my little experiment bridging the two halves of this project.



As I kicked off the next wave of cross country (countries!) LMB meet-ups, I felt like I wanted to try something new, and I thought that trying to do a fumetti might be a neat challenge.

Fumetti, for those that haven't heard of it before, is a type of book - more popular in Europe - that uses the layout and graphic conventions of comic books set against photographic artwork. I actually haven't seen one since I was a little kid, but they actually used to publish movie and TV adaptations in this fashion. (I remember I used to have one of "Mork and Mindy".)

And, of course, the form was briefly celebrated by a fellow master of self-promotion:




Lest anyone taking a look at my pages above be seized by an overwhelming sense of deja vu, however, I feel it's important to let you know that the actual page layouts are not my own design. I may be an excellent mimic, but an artist I ain't.

So, in the interest of full disclosure (and credit where credit is due), let just me take a moment to show you what I ripped off annotate them:


First off, the sort of "zoom in on the snow covered trek" thing is not - as thothkins speculated - inspired by Wagner nor Byrne, but rather by Shawn McManus in the opening pages of Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" arc, "A Game of You":




The hotel sequence (which I think came out bitchin') is stolen, almost beat for beat, from Phillip Bond's artwork in the "Invisible Kingdom" arc of Grant Morrison's "The Invisibles" (I changed a couple panels, but - trust me - ain't nobody wants to see me in a bathtub. ):




And finally, also from "The Invisibles," is the Phil Jimenez "turn and quote reveal" from the "Counting to None" arc:



...and, while King Mob may quote George Orwell, Ex takes his own "bon mots" from a fellow showman - Johnny Carson.




A few additional annotations on the actual story beats (for those who enjoy such things):


- Ex singing Donovan's "There is a Mountain" as he climbs through the snow is a four year old call back:

http://www.legionworld.net/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=324682

...but, in a deeper (some might say "zen") sense, it also ties into the nature of the LMB's history as hinted at here:

http://www.legionworld.net/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=127926#Post127926


- The back-and-forth bar conversation Ex remembers hints at his co-conspirator by mentioning "Ggrrgg":

http://lmbp.outpost.legionworld.net/wiki/index.php?title=Ggrrgg

...and Ex's current location, the Legion World Hills:

http://lmbp.outpost.legionworld.net/wiki/index.php?title=Hills


- Ex mentions "Des," short for "Desmonius Primus Julianus," AKA:

http://lmbp.outpost.legionworld.net/wiki/index.php?title=Cobalt_Kid


- Buried in The Hills, Ex finds what looks to be a Terran artifact, possibly Pre-Egyptian. Hmmm...

http://www.legionworld.net/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=130603




And last... but never, ever, least... an enormous debt of gratitude goes to my fellow creator, the photographer who, completely not understanding why she would do any of this - other than to humor her semi-insane husband - nevertheless did a fantastic job... Mrs. Nihil.



So... another year... another road trip. Who is the next target, you ask? Keep your eyes peeled, pickies... all will be revealed.


[/out of character]

As someone fairly new to LW, I happily admit to running away screaming from the huge amount of LW Lore. Reading Ex dipping into it to piece together the above gives me that unsettling feeling people must have when they meet the Time Trapper

Great stuff and I'm slightly gutted my previous post got in the way of the pages. I thought it was another teaser! Anyway, I've got to go and work on that bath in room 23. Someone's left it in a heck of a state...

Hope I didn't scare Our Hero away with that whole Tiki Bar thing last year. I know for a fact that the bar in question would be more than happy to provide all the Martinis and/or toothpicks any hobo-- er, traveller could ever want.

April 8th edits - (just rearranging some posts for better reading order, please ignore).

Exnihil: All right, Clocky, you ready to do this? You think seven months is a long enough rest for you?

Computer: I beg your pardon, sir? You are well aware that I require no rest. I was fully prepared to continue last October. It was you who...

Ex: Sigh.... Fine, we're both to blame. (Ex meta-textually looks off panel, gives a quick "no" head shake and surreptitiously points to his computer). Anyway... it's time to hit that rowdy road again in search of refreshment and other, sundry things.

Computer: Sundry, sir?

Ex: Yeah... well... while you were sleeping, I might have helped the LMB Espionage Squad retrieve an ancient artifact covered in strange archaic symbols that has no business existing on Legion World at all.

Computer: You?

Ex: What's that supposed to mean? Yes, me! (Ex pulls the object that he retrieved from the Hills out of his bag and holds it up to his computer's visual sensor).

Computer: Processing... processing... hmmm... that appears to be a bronze scarab, sir. Terran in origin... likely fashioned during the Pre-Egyptian era. If you like, I could transla...

Ex: Pre-Egyptian, eh? This could be important! We need to get this thing translated at once.

Computer: Yes... as I was saying, sir... my own datastores have access to over four quadrillion distinct character sets and I am fully capable of...

Ex (his eyes growing bigger): Character what now?

Computer: Sets. In other words...

Ex: That's it! Clocky, you're brilliant! I know who our next target is. Lay in a course to...

Computer: Seriously? All the things I can do and you're just going to default to your old habi... sigh... this is going to be a long year. Processing... processing... as you wish, Target 26, sir:











And awaaaaaaaay we go!

Welcome back, fair thread watchers, to another exciting season of 100 Toothpicks!

We're getting an early start this year, because as the distances Ex must travel to complete his mission increase so, too, might the time in between individual installments. Fear not, though, by the time this round draws to a close we'll double our toothpick count... or my name isn't, "The Narrator".


Wait... is that right? "The Narrator"? Somebody get my agent on the line...


In the mean time, though, kick back... relax... fix yourself a martini... and enjoy:





Or... rather... enjoy it in a few days... when Ex gets home and finally uploads his pics (yeesh... this whole thing just reeks of amateurism.)

March 30, 2PM:



Ex: W... why.... you don't look like a demonic Egyptian god, at all!

Set (laughing, as Ex sits down): Ha, ha... that's right, we haven't served any LMB missions together yet, have we?

Ex: No, I only know you from the monitor board... but I always assumed...

Set: ...that I was the actual deity? Ha, ha... no... don't worry, though, I get that a lot. I might draw my powers from the old pantheon, but I'm as human as you.

Ex: Whew... that's a relief. Here I was thinking I was about to have lunch with a death god.

Set: That's another thing, though... you know, the real Set wasn't actually a dark god, at all. Originally, he known as a servant of Ra. He helped stave off the evil serpent Apep and the forces of Chaos. All that "evil" rep was just a later corruption, by the Greeks.

Ex: Yeeeeeah... but didn't he, like, kill his brother?

Set: Osiris? Twice, actually... but he had his reasons.

Ex: Yeah... yeah... that's right, and wasn't there something about him...

Set: ...chopping up his brother's body into forty-two pieces and strewing them across the country? No... I don't think I ever heard that. Oh, look... lunch!





Set (digging in): So... you said in your message that you had something you wanted me to look at... some Egyptian text?

Ex: Yeah, thanks... (pulling out the scarab and handing it to Set). Here you are... I can't make hide nor hair of this.

Set (looking over the text): Hmmm... these bear some familiarity to the hieroglyphs I'm familiar with, but they seem a bit more primitive. I think they actually might pre-date what we traditionally think of as "Egyptian".

Ex: How do you mean?

Set: Oh, there's lot of misconceptions out there about Egypt. A lot of people's ideas don't extend much beyond what they read in "Antony and Cleopatra".

Ex: I'm sorry, read in what, now?

Set: Oh, you don't know that one? It's an old play they used to teach in school... Shakespeare, you know?

Ex (rubbing his chin): Hmm... Shakespeare, you say...








What's this?

Could our hero be about to continue his vodka-driven journey based merely upon the thinnest of connecting narrative threads?

The smart money says, "Yes... yes, he could be!"


Be here - shortly - for the next exciting chapter, as Ex seeks out the aid of perhaps the most academic-minded of all the LMBers -



in an episode we just had to call:






... All right, fine... admittedly we didn't have to call it that.

... I'm sure another title would have suited it equally as well.

... Look, it's just hyperbole. Nothing has to be called anything, really.

... It's a literary device, OK? Get off my back already... sheesh! I bet William Dozier never had to put up with this.

April 1, 9AM:


Ex (walking into the diner, talking to his Omni-3014) : ...and don't forget to add cleome to the list, Clocky. I can't say too much right now, but there's a distinct possibility that there may be a plant within the ranks of the LMB!

Computer : Sir, please tell me you don't think that means...

Ex (interrupting, as he sees Kent Shakespeare) : Great day in the morning! Kent... where's your hair?

Kent Shakespeare (laughing, as Ex sits across from him) : What? I thought message-board shaving reveals were all the rage this season.





Ex: All right, all right... touche. (Looks at the menu) Hmm... I'm thinking... a vodka martini?

Kent: Ex, it's breakfast.

Ex: ...and a piece of toast?

Kent: Now, a toast I can do.

Ex: Well played, sir. So... I assume you got my message.

Kent: Well... yes... but... I afraid you've got the wrong guy, Ex. I'm not the same "Shakespeare" who wrote "Antony and Cleopatra". That was actually one of my 16th century ancestors. Bit of a black sheep, that one. Not a lot is really known about him... some people say he sort of resembled that old LMB villain, the Archduke of Time. Personally, I don't see it. They have completely different eye-wear.





Ex: Hmm... so you don't know anything about Pre-Egypt?

Kent: Well, a little... but it's certainly not my area of expertise. I'm more of a "Camelot" type guy.

Ex: Man... so, this stop is a bust, huh?

Kent: Well, now... don't be so hasty. I might not personally have the resources you need, but there's another LMBer not far from here who maintains massive reference files. If anybody would have some useful info, I'll bet he would.

Ex: You don't mean...?









But, indeed, fair readers - Kent Shakespeare did mean.

And, thus, our pair of intrepid heroes set out together across the land in search of the LMB's master of scrupulously-maintained cross references (while at least one of them was hoping that the journey would bring them into the lunch hour, such that a martini order might be more appropriate) in our next installment, called...





Be There!

April 1, 1PM:


(Ex and Kent sit at the table, waiting patiently as their teammate, Chaim Mattis Keller, pores over his reference files.)


Chaim Mattis Keller (looking down): Hmmmm...

Ex: What? What do you...

Chaim (still reading): Oh, that's interesting...

Kent: Did you find a...

Chaim (still reading): Wow... and who would have thought that?

Ex (interrupting): Chaim!

Chaim (suddenly looking up): Oh, sorry, guys... this is just fascinating stuff. I have to admit, Ex, when you and Kent first asked me to look at this, I had my doubts. My people didn't exactly have the best relationship with the ancient Egyptians, you know what I'm saying?

Ex: Yeah, I know, thanks for doing me a solid.

Kent: So, what did you find out?

Chaim: Hmmm... well... it's kind of a huge block of narrative exposition... you sure we shouldn't just do the holo-pic first, and let the casual readers drop?

Ex: Oooooh... that's smart thinking... smile everybody:





Chaim: Nice! Now... info-dump. So, you're right... this scarab actually does predate the traditional "Egyptian" kingdoms. Based on the style of characters that are inscribed on it, the reference files indicate that it's probably from the "Proto-dynastic" period... the last gasp of the Naqada culture, and the early beginnings of what we might think of as hieroglyphic writing. Now, these particular characters are very crude, but I think I've been able to piece together a rough outline.

Ex: What have we got?

Chaim: OK, first... this section up here seems to indicate that the scarab itself was a storage container. The reference files indicate that containers of this type and material were often buried alongside an individual and used to hold whatever valuables the person wished to take with them into the next world. When you first found this, Ex, was there anything inside?

Ex: No!

Chaim: Yes, yes... that's very convincing. (shakes his head) Moving on... this section here seems to be focused on the contemporary history of the time. As I say, it's hard to tell exactly, but there seems to be some sort of power struggle... these characters here seem very similar to the later glyph that indicates "magic" or "magician" and this here is a very distinct image of a cat-headed woman wearing a traditional hedjet crown.

Kent: A god?

Chaim: There's only one God, Kent, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. Now... here's the really odd thing... do you see this section here? It appears that this is actually not the original text here. This section, at some point, was scratched out and a new block inscribed. It took a little bit of digging, but deep in the reference files I found a match. These characters correspond to a leader of Egypt that only reigned for a few years... in fact, oftentimes he's not even listed, leading some to consider him apocryphal. Well, anyway... here... (spins the reference file around for the pair to see):





Ex: OK... is that supposed to mean something?

Chaim: Phonetically, it reads, "Mn Kri Htp Dc Nsw". Now, the latter part shows up in a ton of later texts - they are the opening words of a funerary offering formula - but the first two words are very odd. The first, "Mn," means, "to be established," and the second, "Kri," means "storm".

Ex: So... "Established by the storm," maybe?

Chaim: That's what I'm thinking.

Ex (shakes his head): OK... all fine and good... but why in the world would this thing be on Legion World? I mean... it's definitely Terran, right?

Chaim: Ahhh... now here's where things get really interesting. Up until this point I'd only been consulting the public reference files, but they don't call me, Legion Reference File Lad for nothing. On a hunch, I thought it might be a good idea to cross reference all this info against the LMB files I maintain. Now... this isn't a perfect match, mind you... but you know how when they first join, LMB members have to list all the aliases they've used in the past? Well... it just so happens that one of our members used to call himself, "Menkuri Hotep Dic Nasewi". (swings the file around). This guy:

Ex: Him? B... but he's....

Chaim: Is he?

Kent: Yes... wait... isn't he?

Ex: Yes! I think he is! He's....







BUMP, BUMP, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMP!!!


WHO is....

WHAT is...

Indeed, WHERE is...


MENKURI HOTEP???



I'll be damned if I know.

Quite honestly, half the time I have no idea what Ex is even talking about.



But if you are curious - about this or, like, any of a half a dozen other dangling plot threads... like, for instance, the whole martini thing... I mean, didn't this thing start out as Ex's half-cocked idea to settle a bar tab? And now he's on some LMB quest with dead pharaohs and time traveling bards? I just... I can't... I...

Anyway, if you are curious, be sure to keep your eyes peeled over the next few months as the strange tale unravels and all your questions are answered.




Possibly.

(Exnihil pulls out holo-files one by one... reads off the name... and then tosses it over his shoulder)

Ex: ... "Hungry Lad"... nope... "Napalm Kid"... nope... "Lucky Jim"... nope...

Computer: Sir... sir, you are making a mess...

Ex: ... "Earthquake"... "Tank"... "Dr. Johnny Diablo"... nope... nope... nope. Man... the LMB has a ton of members!

Computer: May I ask exactly what it is you're looking for, sir?

Ex: ..."Sunray"... "Astronette"... hmmm, what's that, Clocky... wait... "Wonderpoop"? Seriously? We actually have a member named, "Wonderpoop"?

Computer: Sir, you've been going through the files of the retired, deceased, inactive, and honorary LMBers for hours now. Is there a point to all this?

Ex: Oooh... "Beowulf"... cool! Better keep that guy away from Grendel the Lurker, am I righ... oh, hey... "Fart Girl"! So that's where she's been! Wait until I tell Lardy. What are you on about, Clocky? Why am I reviewing all these files? I would think it's obvious... I'm looking for some sort of clue about our mysterious "Menkuri Hotep".

Computer: Clue? Mysterious? Sir... you know exactly who he is. He's the former LMBer known as...

Ex (interrupting): Yes, yes... of course I know who he is. It's the what "happened to him" that concerns me. Has he retired... is he on an extended leave... is he dead?

Computer: He often has been.

Ex: True... but this feels different, somehow. And that fact that out in the middle of the Legion World Hills, buried under the snow, the LMB Espionage Squad has me dig up an arcane artifact with his name carved in it? C'mon, now. If anybody has information about the true target of "Operation: 100 Toothpicks," I've got a hunch it would be him.

Computer: Ah, ha! I knew it! I knew there was more to your "drinking tour" than just trying to settle a bar tab, which - by the way, sir - makes absolutely no sense. You really should come up with a better cover story. I mean...

Ex (interrupting): Fine, yes... you're right, Clocky... I might as well level with you. This whole thing - the martinis... the meetings with LMBers... the scarab... all of it - is really just a front to figure out who is alteri... waaaaaaaaaait a minute... wait just a minute!

Computer: What is it? What did you find, sir?

Ex: Oh, nothing having to do with Menkuri... I've just always wanted to have a drink with this girl.

Computer: Seriously, sir? Do you really think that now is the time for frivolity? Now that I know that you're on a legitimate mission, I really think you should focus on the problem at han...

(Ex holds up the file to the Omni's visual sensor)

Computer: Oh! Hello. Yes, I see your point, sir. Hmmm... it appears, however, that she's been on inactive duty for several years now. Are you certain that...

Ex: Am I certain? What a question!

Computer: Yes... and the answer?

Ex: Just plot the course, Clocky...

Computer: As you wish, sir. Processing... processing... target 29 acquired:








Ahhhhh... the plot thins!


WHO is the "True Target"?

WHAT is the real objective behind "Operation: 100 Toothpicks"?

WHEN is this nonsense ever going to end?

WHERE is "Menkuri Hotep"?

WHY on Earth would Target 29 ever agree to have a drink with Ex?

HOW does Fart Girl tie into any of this?






ALL of this - and more - gets unceremoniously shunted to the back burner, as an old friend returns for...






PLUS: The Incredible, Astounding, Non-Sequitorial Return of... Target 7!



(Who is that? Oh, come on, now... it's only a few pages back...)

(Seriously... just click the...)

(Siiiiiiiiigh... fine, you lazy such and such... it's Quislet, Esq.)

Scene 1:


(Exnihil wanders through Legion World's Statue Way Park as the song, "Son of a Durlan Man" plays ambiently throughout. He looks around, seemingly lost)

Ex: Hello?

Sound of a female voice being broadcast: Ex.

(Ex looks around)

Female voice (singsong): Ehhhhhhhhex...I'm on your Omnicom.

(Ex looks down at his com): Wh... where are you?

Female voice: I'm over by the wall... by the big dragony fellow. To your right.

(Ex continues looking)

Female voice: Warm... waaaarmer... Caliente!




Ex: Caliente! Right on. So... where we heading, kitty cat?

Cali: Kamil Baktra Slim's, daddio... they've got a shurg dance contest tonight.

Ex: Not that Silver Age place? Ugh... c'mon, that place is like a wax museum with a pulse.

Cali (vehemently): No, no, no... I do believe I said you could take me out if we did whatever I wanted. Now... I wanna dance... I wanna win... and I want that trophy... so dance good.

(Caliente hops off the dragon and starts dancing away toward Ex's shuttle)

Cali (singing) : It was a teenage wedding between a Titan girl and a Winathi-een... You could see that young Garth did truly love Miss Imra Ardeen...



Ex (sighing to himself): Why does my life always seem like I'm living in some sort of holo-vid?




Scene 2:


(Kamil Baktra Slim's, interior. Ex and Cali sit at the table as a waiter dressed as Flynt Brojj sets down their drinks)

Waiter: Vodka Martini.... and a 50 credit Bloody Marte.

(Waiter leaves as Cali takes a sip)

Cali: Mmmm... yummy.

Ex (leaning over): You think I could have a sip of that?

Cali: Be my guest.

Ex: I gotta know what a 50 credit drink tastes like. (Ex goes to remove the straw)

Cali: You can use my straw... I don't have cooties.

Ex: Yeah, but maybe I do.

Cali: Cooties I can handle.

Ex: All right... (places the straw back in and sips) Bloody liberty! This is a pretty sprocking good drink.

Cali: Told you.

Ex: I don't know if it was worth fifty credits... but it's pretty sprocking good.

Passing holo-pic photographer: Holo-pic, you two? Smile!

Ex: Sure. (Ex puts his arm around Cali as she leans in closer. Her eyes begin to flame red as her power slightly kicks in).



(Ex looks at Cali as she looks back silently. They lock eyes. For a moment, an odd tension hangs in the air. Ex laughs slightly).

Ex: Is that what you call an "uncomfortable silence"?

Cali: I don't know what to call that. (laughs) I'll tell you what... I'm going to go to the bathroom and powder my nose while you sit here and think of something to say. (she gets up and leaves).

Ex: Yeah... I'll do that.

(Ex shakes his head and begins quietly musing. Suddenly a person sits down next to him, almost making Ex jump out of his seat.)

Quislet Esq.: Having fun?

Ex: Ahhh! Quis! Grife... you scared me, man!

Passing holo-pic photographer: Holo-pic, you two? Smile!




Ex: Sheesh... what is with that guy? Anyway... Quis... what are you doing here?

Quis: Well... as your lawyer, I'm here to prevent you from getting involved in a crime.

Ex: What? You mean Cali? C'mon, brother... there's no law against flirting on Legion World. Sheesh... it's almost compulsory.

Quis: True... I'm quite the fan of the Victorian variety myself, but I'm not talking about flirting... I'm talking about murder.

Ex: What... not hers?

Quis: No... yours. I'm pretty sure that your sword-wielding ninja girlfriend, My Whee Fem, wouldn't take too kindly to Cali heating things up around you. And... all that aside... I'm also fairly certain you're bordering on some serious copyright infringement with your little "Pulp Fiction" riff here. If this evening winds up with you in Doc Mayavale's living room with him searching frantically for a "little black medical book"... I really don't think I can help you.

Ex: Oh, come on... this sequence isn't that derivative.

Cali (sliding back into the booth): Quis! Long time no see. (looks down at the burger that the waiter has brought for her.) Oh, man... ketchup.

Quis (to Ex): Ketchup.

Ex: Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh... fine.

(Quis smirks)

Ex: Listen... Cali... I hate to drink and run, but, you know... a toothpick hunter's job is never done. Quis is going to hang out and keep you company.

Cali: Aww... where are you off to next?

Ex: Hmm... I dunno... how's your sister these days?

Cali: Frio? No way. A - she's not my sister... and B - trust me, you should just steer clear from that one. She's a sketchy chick.

Ex: I'm sorry... she's a what kind of chick?

Cali: Sketchy.

Ex: That's it! CLOCKY!!! Set a course!

Computer: Just eminently predictable, aren't we, sir? Sigh... processing... processing... target 30 acquired:







That's right, fair thread watchers!

Old Home Week continues here on 100 Toothpicks, as Ex visits next with one of the finest artists ever to grace the halls of the Museum of Legion Arts... and the only other LMB member whose narcissism rivals Ex's own!

What will happen when the respective irresistible force and immovable object of self-admiration finally meet?

Find out shortly on:

It was a fantastic day all around... even if things were a bit Sketchy from time to time. /bad pun

One question: Where's the shot of us three together??

[out of character]



Oh, sister, you haven't seen the half of it, yet



The one from the restaurant had really bad lighting, and the one from the tea shop... I don't know what that dude was doing with my camera, but - trust me - that pic does none of us any favors. If you like, I'll shoot them over to you, but they're not really "post-worthy".

[/out of character]

(Exnihil and Sketch Lad sit at the bar, involved in a rather heated discussion.)


Exnihil: I'm sorry, but I just don't see how you could possibly think that.

Sketch Lad: Maybe because... it's true? And the sooner you accept it... the sooner the healing can begin.

Ex: Dude... not a chance. You're living in a fantasy world. The fact is... in no possible universe are you better looking than me!

Sketchy (waves Ex off with the back of his hand): Whatever. Son, I was turning heads when you when you still thought pomade was something you put on a sandwich.

Ex: Pomade? Oh... you really want to go there? Yeah... let's talk about hair. I recently heard someone said that I have the best hair on all of Legion World.

Sketchy (incredulously): What? Who said that?

Ex (sheepishly): Well... fine... it was Poverty Lad, but... so what?

Sketchy (laughing): Oh, right... like Pov would know anything about hair!

Ex: Arrgh... this is getting us nowhere. If you're not able to admit a patently obvious fact, we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

Sketchy: Fair enough. Let's just say that we're both gorgeous, and leave it at that.

Ex: I'll drink to that.



Ex (sips): Oh! And both of us are better looking than Lash.

Sketchy: Well, yeah, of course... that goes without saying.

Ex: Good. So... anyway... thanks again for coming out tonight, Dean. I know you've been on inactive duty for a bit, but I was really hoping your powers might be able to help me with this quest I've been on.

Sketchy: You want me to invoke the Divaforce? You need some beautiful women conjured up?

Ex: In a sense... you see, when I initially contacted you, you were all lined up to be a certain milestone.

Sketchy: Right... I'm the 30th LMB member you've met on this thing, yeah?

Ex: Well, that's just it... I thought you were the 30th target but - when I looked at my computer this morning - you had actually been resequenced to 31!

Sketchy: Hmmm... that's weird. What happened?

Ex: I don't know! There is something very weird going on here. I should probably start by telling you that for the past month or so I've been on the trail of a missing person. There's this guy who, years ago, used to go by the alias "Menkuri Hotep"...

Sketchy: Oh... sure... that's one of our old teammates. That used to be an alias of De...

Ex (interrupting in astonishment): Wait just a minute... how in the world do you know that!?

Sketchy: Oh, I've known about him for years now. He and I got talking about his past during one of our joint shows at the Museum of Legion Arts. That guy's lived one heck of a life... er... lives. I haven't heard from him in a while, though.

Ex: Right... it's like he just disappeared or something. Well, anyway, it's obvious that he's been on my mind a lot recently because - last night - I had the strangest dream involving him.

Sketchy: OK... but what's this have to do with your computer?

Ex: Well, funny you should ask. So... when I woke up this morning, that's when I noticed the new entry. You will not believe this... here, check it out (hands his Omnicom to Dean).

Sketchy (reading): "100 Toothpicks: Chapter 30 - Foretell Me, Madame Triad". Hmmm... OK. What's that supposed to mean?

Ex: I had no idea... until I looked a little closer. Look again... it's an anagram.

Sketchy: Yeah? All right, let's see here... "foretell... forte... trio... dame... tell... emerald... model... drama... ah! Wait a minute... I've got it... it's: "Dream a Little Dream of Me"!

Ex (nodding): Bingo.

Sketchy: Whoa... that is creepy.

Ex: I know, right? So, anyway, I figure this inserted chapter has to tie in with dream I had. It's all a bit vague, but I do remember it centers around mysterious beautiful women. That's why I knew if anyone could help, it would be you.

Sketchy: Ah... gotcha. All right... well, if it's women you want... just start telling me your dream and I'll see if I can summon up some imagery up via the Divaforce.

Ex: OK... so... it starts off I'm walking down the street heading to this groovy Martini bar...

Sketchy: Like this?



Ex: Come on, get real... nothing's that groovy.

Sketchy (laughing): OK, OK, continue...

Ex: I remember this sort of... I don't know... retro vibe... but at the same time... very odd and disorienting like a carnival...



Sketchy: Hmmm... OK... I'm beginning to envision it... keep talking...

Ex: So... I finally get to the place and...

(A strange glow begins to envelop the room)

Sketchy: Keep going... the veil is beginning to lift...

Ex: ... all around me... are these women...

(The glow continues to grow, enveloping both Ex and Sketchy as everything takes on a kind of surreal veneer.)

Ex: ...each one more beautiful than the last...



Ex: Hey.. wow, that's amazing! I can totally see the way it was in my mind's eye.

Sketchy: That's what I do.

(Slowly, even Ex and Sketchy's very forms begin to alter. Out of nowhere, a beautiful woman appears beside Sketch Lad).

Sketchy: Boy... have I missed you.

Woman: Hi, sweetie!



Ex: Oh, come on, Dean! That's what you look like under the Divaforce?

Sketchy: He who holds the pencils holds the power. Who's got the better hair now?

Ex (looks down at his own transformation): Hey! I'm not this short! And I'll have you know, I quit smoking like a year ago.



Sketchy: Don't worry, Ex... it's just a glamour.

Ex: Yeah... some glamour.

Sketchy (to the Dream Girl construct) : So, Nura... Ex here thinks he's had a meaningful dream. You care to hazard a listen?



TO BE CONTINUED...!!!

(In other words... hold off on the interstitial yapping. This mean you. )

(Ex continues relating his dream to Sketch Lad)





So, like I said... I'm in this Martini Bar, surrounded by the most beautiful women you can imagine. Some were dreamlike... some bewitching... some so regal you'd swear it was an illusion.




In the midst of all of this, however, I spied one violet-haired woman sitting by herself. I don't understand why... but somehow I felt like I was drawn to her... as though by a strange compulsion. As though my will was no longer my own, I moved toward her, preparing my opening.

I sat down beside her and began, "Hi... do you come here oft..." but - before I could even get the words out - she spun toward me and interrupted in a strange language.



"Trois est un nombre magique. Alors... vous n'avez que trois requêtes. Allez!"

"I... uh..." I stammered, and tried to make a quick excuse. "Uh... I'm sorry... I was just looking for a friend of mine. You wouldn't happen to have seen a guy named, Menkuri Hotep, would you?"

She grinned. "That's one. Lad laments on eldest."

"I... wh... what?"

"You know what, sentient? You don't seem very bright, so I'm going to make that one a freebie. Don't get used to it... it won't happen again. Ahem: EDE damns tonal tells."

"I don't... look... I gotta go but... uh..." I thought for a second and figured, what the hell? "Say... do you think maybe I could get your number?"

"That's two. My number these days is 30... for you... and otherwise. But once was a time when everyone knew it was..."

And here she paused and described an image before her. It hung in the air in the way that a shining bronze plaque completely does not:



"HEY!!!"

A shout came from across the room.

"Are you talking to my girl?" I spun around to see a man storming toward me, his eyes ablaze in anger.



"That's a stupid mistake you just made, mister!" He yelled, nearly spitting on me in his rage. "A stupid, Stupid, STUPID mistake!"

But before I could even defend myself, the woman - now looking slightly different in my dream - took his hand and calmed him down.

"Darling, don't worry about this fool. Just let me finish up here, then - if you're good - I'll let you buy me a Xanduan Dazzle Gem. Sound good?"



The man grinned at the woman, nodded, then - shooting me a dirty look - begrudgingly walked away.

"All right," the woman continued, "let's not be all night here. What's your third?"

"My... my thir... I don't even know what you're talking about! I'll tell you one thing, though... that plaque thing you did there looked an awful lot like one of my LMB Monitor Board symbols."

"Ha, ha, ha," she laughed mockingly, "Really? I'm sorry, sentient... but I'm afraid that your sense of design wouldn't begin to capture me. All you boys need an art director to push you in the right direction. Just ask your friend Sketch Lad. If you tried to make a symbol for me, I guarantee you'd go boringly literal... and not even get the legs right. Do these look like a man's legs?" She turned her legs slightly to show me as I looked down.

"Say... are those leg boots?"

"Did... did you just say... 'leg boots'? That's three."





Ex: Then she kicked me in the shin.

Sketchy (laughing): Ha, ha, ha... this is some dream, man! So, what happened next?

Ex: Yeah... so that's where I start to lose it. I was lying there on the floor, holding my shin, when I heard the woman call over to a friend of hers. I think she called her, "Eve" or something...



Ex: This lady comes over and... I don't know... just starts staring at me. The next thing I know the whole room starts spinning and then... cliche time... I woke up in my bed. Yeesh... what a dream!

Sketch Lad: That's it?

Ex: Yeah... isn't that enough?

Sketchy: I'll say. Me needing an art director... hmph... as if. All right, Ex, I'm going to let the Divaforce drop. Hold on... this might be a rough transition.



Ex: Whoa... you weren't kidding! So... what do you think?

Sketchy: About the dream? Well... for starters, I think you're out of luck with Menkuri Hotep.

Ex: What do you mean... you don't think that the whole thing... the dream... the inserted chapter in my computer... you don't think that's him sending me a message?

Sketchy: Maybe... but probably not the message you're looking for. The chapter title was an anagram, right?

Ex: Yeah.

Sketchy: Well... so was the thing that woman told you, "Lad laments on eldest".

Ex: Well... yeah... OK, yeah... I see it now... it was an anagram for the other thing she said, right? "EDE damns tonal tells". But so what? It's just dream nonsense.

Sketchy: No... you're still missing it. Both of those are anagrams for...

Ex: ..."Tell Sandman 'Lo, Teeds"?

Sketchy: ..."Dedman Tells No Tales."

Ex: Whoa.

Sketchy: Whoa, indeed. Well... congratulations on the most ridiculous plot twists to date... I can't wait to see what's next.

Ex: I don't writes 'em, buddy... I lives 'em.

(Exnihil rolls over in bed, yawning)

Computer: Well, good morning sir. I trust your evening with Target 31 went well? I certainly hope you took good notes, as you didn't even see fit to turn on my higher-level functions during your meeting.

Ex (crawling out of bed): Yawn... you're pushing your luck there, Clocky. Quite franky - considering that whole Target 30/Target 31 sequencing glitch - I'm thinking of trading you in for a newer model. What is wrong with you? Emily been hacking your cell-banks again?

Computer: Glitch? I can assure you, sir, there is no error whatsoever in my sequencing dr...

Ex (interrupting): Blah, blah, blah... whatever, Glitchy McGlitchface. Just know this: if we encounter any "pod bay doors" you're to stay the heck away from them! Anything interesting in this morning's LMB ENQUIRER?

Computer: Processing... processing... headlines, sir:


"BOIRE-AGE" À TROIS??? SHAMELESS MB MISS IN SKETCHY MEETUP WITH FREQUENT-FLYING SPACE-LUSH? PHOTOS PAGE 3!


Ex: Ugh... close file. Too early in the morning for that. Sheesh... that rag gets more and more lurid every year. I don't even understand the headlines half the time. What is a "space-lush" supposed to be anyway?

Computer: Definition: Lush... adjective... (of vegetation, plants, grasses, etc.) luxuriant or succulent; noun... a sot, a drunkar...

Ex: Hmmm... vegetation, you say? You know... there was that whole bit about there being a plant in the LMB.

Computer: Sir, as I've attempted to explain to you numerous times, that doesn't...

Ex (interrupting): And, quite honestly, if I wanted to kill two birds with one stone... I have been having a mysterious pain in my shin, perhaps some aloe vera is just the thing for it.

Computer: There is no mystery at all, sir. When you were meeting...

Ex: Exactly! It's time to set up a meeting. Clocky... get me Target 31!

Computer: Target 32, sir.

Ex: You say tomato... I say they give me heartburn.

Computer: Processing... processing... Target 32 acquired:









That's right, pickies!

It's time for the "wearin' o' the green" as our hero... uh...

..."plants his roots" and declares that it's... umm...

..."elemental, dear readers" when he meets...



Ugh... you know what?

This is just horrible copy. I mean really bad. As a professional, I refuse to be a part of this. Suffice to say:


Exnihil meets cleome... and all definitions of "lush" come into play (they are surrounded by plants and they drink... a lot) in...







All this... plus:

The jaws that bite... the claws that catch... the untamed rage of... "El Sid"!

BEWARE!!!

But...above all...

BE THERE!!!

(See how much better that is? "Elemental, dear readers," indeed... sheesh!)

Exnihil: Thanks again for meeting with me, Cleome. Of all the LMB members, I really feel like you might have a unique perspective on this thing I've been investigating.

Cleome: No problem, doll. Anything I can do to help. One word of warning though... I've heard through the grapevine that your visits tend to be a little - hmm... how should I put it - liquid-centric? I just want to warn you... you are aware that my physiology is like 50% plant-based, right?

Ex: Um.... I suppose. Why?

Cleome: Well... no reason... it's just been my experience that most animalae don't require nearly the same level of moisture absorption that I do.

Ex: Wait... is that a challenge?

Cleome: Yikes! No... not in the least! Trust me, it's probably safest that you don't even try.

Ex: Wh... wh... well, I never!

Cleome: That's right, dude.... trust me... you never did.

Ex: Waiter!

Cleome: Siiiiiiiiiigh... it's gonna be a long night. Nice color shirt, by the way.









Five rounds (or - in other words - thirty minutes) later:



Cleome: ...and if I had to classify his nature, I would definitely say that Dedman's revenantions exhibited all of the same characteristics as those of a perrenial. But even perrenials aren't immune from the... (looks at Ex as he stares blanky off into space). Hey.... are you OK, there, pal? Heya... Exxy-boy... still with me? (she snaps her fingers as Ex shakes his head and looks back at her, glassy-eyed).

Ex (slurring): Thash... thash a funny name.

Cleome: What... "Dedman"? Or that name you said he used to go by... uh... Menkuri something?

Ex: Hodepp... no... TEP. Ho-tep. Buh, nah, nah... I mean yer name. Cleome. Cleeeeee... ohhhhhhh... meeeeee. Thash... thash... ha, ha... hmph... yer like... yer like... a flower.

Cleome: Oy vey. Listen... seriously... are you OK? I told you that you didn't have to keep up.

Ex: Nah, nah... I'm good... I'm good... jus... jus tell me 'bout the prennyals.

Cleome: Perrenials. OK... well... I was just saying that the way that Deddy would always come back to life was very similar to the life cycle of a perrenial. They die off each autumn... but their root stock is still active. Below the surface, the life force still remains, waiting to rebloom the following spring.

Ex: Tha makesh... a lotta shense.

Cleome: Yeah... but even perrenials can die if they get entagled in the root structure of something else... something toxic.

Ex: Like whaa?

Cleome: Well, take... for instance... the black walnut tree:



Cleome: Some things can grow perfectly fine in its shadow... bluebells... daylilies... irises. But you just try to grow a peony under a black walnut. Walnut tree roots secrete a substance called "juglone". It's completely toxic to peonies. You plant them next to each other and... well - to put it in layman's terms - the peonies will eventually just suffocate. But, you know, what are you gonna do? That's just the way it is in the world of Viridiplantae.

Ex: Viridi...

Cleome: ...plantae. It just means "green plants". It was an old Terran naturalist - Pliny the Elder - who first wrote about the black waln...

Ex (excitedly): Yeah! Yeah! Pliny-thelder... thash the guy tha Cobie is allays talkin' 'bo...

Cleome: Seriously... dude... you're sure you're OK?

Ex: Yeah, yeah... 'm'good.

Cleome: All right... well... OK. So... consider, for instance, the noble palm frond...



(Ex falls off his stool and passes out).

Cleome: Sigh... animalae. Always the same. All right, come on, doll... let's get you out of here...







LATER:


(Ex, eyes closed, feels a heavy pressure on his chest. Tentatively, he opens one eye and sees...).



Ex: AGGGGGHHHHHH! (bolting up, as the cat leaps down and runs behind a holo-shelf): Stoopid Cat? Is that you? Wh... where am I? What are you doing here?

(The cat peeks out from behind the shelf and lets out a displeased, "Mmmmmmrrroooooooeew".)

Ex (standing up and walking toward the shelf): Oh... you're going to play it coy, now? After all this? Do you know what I've been through this past year? How many people I've met with in search of even the smallest lead? I feel like I'm not one iota closer to even knowing who this "great enemy" is. And... on top of that... the only lead I do have points to a Dedman who... by all evidence... probably is a dead man.

(The cat, still just peeking out, narrows his eyes at Ex and retreats further behind the shelf.)

Ex: Oh, no you don't! You don't get off that easy.

(He reaches behind the shelf).

Ex: What's the matter, huh? No pithy words? No enigmatic riddles? You know what Chaim told me was inscribed on that scarab? A cat-headed woman! I don't suppose you'd have any thoughts on thAAAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOWWW!

(Ex recoils in pain and runs to the bathroom to tend to the cat bite.)

Cleome (running into the now empty room): What is going on in he...? Sid! What are you doing back there? C'mere you... (leaning over to pick him up). Were you bothering poor Ex? You've got to let the space-lush sleep it off... he's got a long trip ahead of him.

Sid (mewing): Mmmmm... I'm sorry. But... he called me a stupid cat.

Cleome: Oh... he did, did he? (Petting him behind his ear, as the cat mews.) You're not a stupid cat... now are you? No. A bit of jerkface, maybe... but certainly not stupid.

Sid: Hey!









And... thus... did the month of April end for our hero... as ignobly as it began, true... but far richer for having spent it in the company of no fewer than eight of his fellow teammates.

Where will the grand quest next lead... as we enter into the month of May... and beyond?

Watch this space for all the exciting details!



(Just not... you know... continually or anything. You'll hurt your eyes that way. )

Computer: Incoming com, sir.

Exnihil: Who's calling... it's not Semi, is it? I still haven't settled my SHAKES tab from like a year ago.

Computer: No, sir. It appears to be your teammate, Karie... the so-called "Girl of Tomorrow".

Ex: Oh... neat! Believe it or not, though, Clocky, she's not "so-called" that, at all. Karie actually lives in the future. She's a super-cool girl, but her powers always make conversations a little bit difficult. I'm never quite sure when she is. Patch her through.

Karie (on the omnicom): Hello?

Ex: Hey, Karie! What's up?

Karie: Oh, Ex... I'm glad I got a hold of you before you left.

Ex: Huh... left for where?

Karie: For your meeting with Cobie. First off, by the way, thanks again for last night. Martini nights are always so much fun. But, listen... what I told you? I have to apologize. I was wrong.

Ex: Last night? Karie, I think you've got your days mixed up. When are you calling me from?

Karie: September 22nd. Why? When is it on your end? Oh, man, tell me we haven't even gone out, yet.

Ex: Not even close... that's like four months away.

Karie: Ooooohhhh, damn. It's always so hard to figure out how to place calls correctly.

Ex: No worries... but now I'm totally looking forward to meeting you this coming autumn! So... you want to tell me what you were wrong about, though? That way, maybe I can just correct you when you tell me four months from now and you won't have to call me now, the next day, four months earlier.

Karie: Won't that mess up the whole... um... space-time... uh... thingy?

Ex: Bah... live dangerously.

Karie: All right. Well... so... last night - when we were talking about the future - I told you how I saw it all ending...

Ex: All what? My toothpick project?

Karie: Maybe... I don't know... just... all. I saw you sitting with Cobalt Kid in some roadside pub. You are both drinking some sort of beer...

Ex: Let me guess... "Pliny the Elder"?

Karie: Exactly! Wow... you're good. Anyway, you guys are laughing and having a good time and then - all of a sudden - your face goes really serious. Cobie asks you something... but you just look at him with a look of horror. You stand up slowly and say, "Oh my god... it was two. All along... it was two." Then everything goes black.

Ex: Two? Two what?

Karie: How should I know? It's your future, I just looked into tomorrow to see it for you. Maybe you meant... or will mean... "Target Two"? Last night you told me that I was "Target Fort..."

Ex (interrupting): But wait... Cobie was Target Two... that doesn't make any... hold on! You said you were wrong. What part were you wrong about?

Karie: Oh... it doesn't go black.

Ex: No?

Karie: No... it goes white.

Ex: You called me to tell me that?

Karie: Hey, I take my job seriously, buddy. Little things like that sometimes make all the difference.

Ex: Fair enough. Well... honestly... I have no idea what this all means. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. One thing is certain, though. It would seem - after all this time - that the beginning of the end of the end of the beginning has begun.

Karie: Or will.

Ex: Will who? Not... Shakespeare???

Karie: What? No, you know what... nevermind... just say, "goodbye," Ex.

Ex: Goodbye, Ex. (Karie hangs up, as Ex looks pensive). Hmmmm... foreshadowing. Your key to quality literature.

Computer: snicker.

Ex: Editorial comment?

Computer: Wouldn't dream of it, sir.

Yay!! So I have four months to work out what I'm going to tell you that I want you to forget about.

I'm glad the photos turned out good. I usually don't mix very well with magic. Which reminds me, did we ever go over the findings of that scarab we found?

(Exnihil wakes screaming): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ahem... cough... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Computer: Bad dream, sir?

Exnihil (panting): The worst! I think I've finally figured out the other meaning of the abbreviation "WTF"! I... I can't even begin to describe it... it was so raw... so... so... savage!

Computer: "Martini served in a rocks glass" savagery , sir? That does sound frightening.

Ex: Ha-ha... mock if you will, Clocky, but this was no violet-haired woman speaking French in a cocktail lounge type of dream...

Computer: Neither was the time you met a violet-haired woman speaking French in a cocktail lo...

Ex (interrupting): This was so real... and surreal at the same time. I can only remember it in flashes, but one thing stands out... it said it was the "Final Chapter".

Computer: The Final Ch... wait... I'm sorry, I don't follow you, sir. The dream said that? What does that even mea...

Ex (interrupting again): What if... what if it were a dream of the future? What if Karie is... er... will be... right? What if the end of the 100 Toothpicks mission is the end of it all?!

Computer: Or... what if it were simply a bad dream, sir?

Ex: Well... I - for one - am not willing to risk it. I need to get away for a bit.

Computer: Get away? Sir, with all due respect, all you do is "get away".

Ex: True, but this time, I think I need to get... FAR away.

Computer: Sigh... just a master of the subtle transition, aren't you, sir?

Ex (ignoring his computer as he begins rifling through his closet): Hmmm... now what did I do with that letter of passage...




CONTINUED...


SHORTLY...

(Exnihil still rifling through papers, suddenly bolts up waving a document in his hand.)


Exnihil: Ah-ha! Found it!

Computer: Is that a piece of... paper?

Ex: Yeah, well... Darden's a bit old fashioned when it comes to things like this. He's a huge history buff. Here... check it out. (Ex holds the paper to his Omni's optic sensor)



Computer: Sir, forgive me... but that looks entirely forged.

Ex (yanking back his letter of passage): Yeah, well... it's not. Believe it or not, back in 3009 - before I actually joined the LMB - I helped them save the entire universe during the "Thyme Crime".

Computer: And what - pray tell - is a "Thyme Crime"?

Ex: It was this huge mission. Lardy had won this game show and Cobie was shot by this possessed hobo and... look... I know it sounds odd, but it was incredible. There were these eco-warrior space-bikers, and... like... this meek 1930's librarian or something... and a... umm... naked... ahem... mole rat.

Computer: Indeed.

Ex: Oh, just look it up! Anyway, I helped save the day, and - in return for not allowing the villain's damages to extend to the Faraway Places and endangering all these treaties or whatever - Faraway Lad hooked all of us up with these lifetime passport letters. Pretty cool, eh?

Computer: Be that as it may sir, may I inquire how exactly you intend on getting there? It's not as though the Faraway Places are somewhere you just hop in a personal shuttle and drive to.

Ex: Ah... well, that's where I make use of another little memento from the past (Ex holds up a small mechanical looking device that immediately begins pinging.)

Computer: Is that... good lord, sir! Sir, please be careful... that's a Mother Bo...

Ex: Stand back, Clocky.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!



Power Boy: Heya, Ex! You all packed?




And so, fair readers, begins the most fantastic leg of Exnihil's space and time spanning toothpick quest yet!


For the next week or so, he'll be off exploring the deepest reaches of the Faraway Places, joining some of his more remotely located teammates from across the galactic gulf.

Fear not, though, faithful thread followers... upon his return, this entire amazing journey will be recounted here for your reading and viewing pleasure. (Wait... hold on... did Ex - in so many words - just offer to have you sit through his "vacation holos"? Hoo boy... does the fun ever start?)


Join us, won't you, as the whole thing kicks off in force next week with:




Cheers!

"Most fantastic," HAR-umpf!!! I HAR-dly think Faraway Place is more fantastic than East Toledo. I warn you, I know people, people in EAST Faraway Place, you don't want to mess with.

Where is my Super Villain cape, I'll see you in the NEXT saga: "100 Foo Foo Umbrellas!"

From
Embassy Building
Novacastra
Planet Wallguard
Middle March.

To
The Most Noble Lord High Commissioners for Outremer, the Marches and the Barbarian Lands
Board of Trade and Commerce
Whitehall Quadrant
Webers World

CC Permanent Under Secretary of State Trade Department 9
Assistant Deputy Under Secretary.
Chef de Bureau SIS Mission Operations.

[B] A Report on the Visit of the LMBP’er Exnihil to the Faraway lands and the conversations therein. [B/]

From
Sir Darden Coulthard, Baron of Winterhall, Lord Warden of the Marches, Castellan of the Newcastle on the Wall. Ambassador to Faraway Places.


Most Noble Lords, I beg leave to submit the following report on a series of meetings between your humble servant and the LMBP member known as Exnihil occurring over a period of two standard Earth days.

As instructed by your illustrious selves I attempted to ascertain by various adaptive methods of questioning, posit and counter posit to ascertain in as circumspect a way as possible the main thrust of his travels so far and his intended points of onward travel,

Exnihil’s interstellar transport docked at the main trading port of this sector and was quickly and efficiently disembarked by the loading droid’s and utilising my diplomatic immunity pass was soon through customs and free to travel. In accordance with standard operating procedure the first part of his visit was spent in additional decontamination processes. We were then able to visit a riverside tavern which provided sufficient cover to begin the more standard agent orientation process.

The evening was spent in my own quarters as it was felt this was a more secure environment for such a illustrious member of the LMBP. There is a particular section of the media to whom the movements of such people are part of the bread and circus mentality of the masses. Therefore the need to ensure that secrecy is maintained was considered to be imperative.

The next day, in accordance with protocol 27, we moved on to a forward operating base on the boarders of UP and barbarian space. I considered it an interesting experiment to detour and undertake an unannounced inspection of a sector defence battery. I was pleased to find the battery in full readiness and ready to defend this sector. The Guns seem well positioned and of a heavy enough calibre to bring down all but the largest warships from over the border. I am pleased to report that the LMBP, if Exnihil was a true reflection, have little interest in this part of the border.

A full and frank exchange of views, incorporating both aspects of UP policy, LMBP issues took place during the day at the secure home of Lord Tweedmouth. Although the noble lord is no friend of the LMBP he was gracious enough to leave us in private to discuss what needed to be discussed.

Perhaps of interest was a more general discussion centred on the fate of the missing Legion of Super Heroes, why they no longer seem to be active, and what if anything should be done to locate them in case of need

As per instructions, the flowing morning I took my leave of Exnihil in a small cove. The captain of the Scow has been well paid to ensure that his passenger was smuggled across the border into the barbarian lands. My messengers had already made contact with Lord Hrun who had promised to provide a Devastator class war ship to escort the Scow to its destination, so I had little fear for his safety.

It is my understanding that Exnihil has passed through the Marches safely and has gained little knowledge of UP preparations in this March, other than that which your Lordship’s desired.

I remain my Lords,

Your most obedient servant


Ambassador Coulthard.







TOP SECRET

TO M
Head of Service
Department S
Secret Intelligence Service

FROM Faraway Lad
Agent

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY – DESTROY AFTER READING


My Lady

I attach a top secret addendum to my recent report to the Lord High Commissioners on the recent trip to the Marches by the LMBP’er Exnihil.

Although your arrangement to with the LMBP is known to me, there are some developments that you may wish to be kept aware of.

It appears that two members who have not been seen in action for a while, namely Reboot and Pariscub are in fact active in the barbarian lands on the other side of the wall. I have asked my friend Lord Hrun to attempt to make contact or at the very least ensure they have backup at any time should they need it.

However of more concern if this bit of news. AS I said in my despatch to the Lord Commissioners, I sent word to Hrun seeking his help in protecting Exnihil on his journey through the borderlands as there had been a massive increase in Reiver activity over the last few months. The Reivers seem to have received a large increase in weapons and manpower. It is all the office of the Warden can do to hold back the attacks. They are becoming bolder and recently killed two Warder Constables in an attack on the station on Old Seemer.

A major concern lies in the fact that I sent four Wardens Messengers to find and relay my request to Lord Hrun. Only one returned, the rest were ambushed and killed. This is an alarming development as even in the darkest days of the Dark Circle wars, Wardens Messengers were given free and safe passage. I think this increase in raiding, and the worrying attacks on my men deserve a fuller investigation. Therefore I am proposing to resurec the old Faraway Lad Identity, thus ensuring you retain plausible deniability, and taking a little trip into the debatable lands to see if I can find out what is happening.

Mirrenna old friend, I hope you will understand why I feel I need to do this and will support my decision,

Your dearest friend
DC

Exnihil: I gotta tell you, Peebs... this whole "Boom Tube" thing is the only way to travel! This journey would have taken me weeks otherwise.

Power Boy: No worries, Ex. Any time.

Ex: Thanks, but... um... I have to ask you... what are you even doing in the Faraway Places? I thought you were one of the core LMB members permanently based on Legion World.

Peebs: Well, believe it or not, I actually am on Legion World.

Ex: Come again, now?

Peebs (laughs slightly): Ha... I don't think you know this about me, Ex, but... the blood that runs through these veins is that of Apokalips... and New Genesis... a mix, really... six of one, half dozen of the other.

Ex: I guess I kind of knew that... but I was never really sure what the deal was. You're one of those so-called, "New Gods," right?

Peebs: Yeah, well... that's sort of an old fashioned term but, in a nutshell... yeah. Anyway, because of my genetic make-up, every so often I have to enter into this type of hibernation - sort of a recharging period. In ancient times they used to call it the "Odinsleep".

Ex: Oooooooo-kay... so you're telling me you're actually sleeping on Legion World right now?

Peebs; My body is, but my mind... my essence... is free to wander the universe. That's why I can appear to you in the Faraway Places right now. Pretty cool, eh?

Ex: Huh. Fair enough, I suppose. Sooooo... I guess you won't be needing that drink, then. (reaches to take Peebs' drink.)

Peebs: You kidding me? Astral projection is thirsty work... give me that. (toasts) Skal!




Peebs (drinks): Ah! That hits the spot. Now... what's all this about heading into the Faraway Lands, anyway? You know it's a bit of a dangerous time right now, right? Are you looking for something?

Ex (sighs): I don't know... looking for answers, I suppose. I'm afraid it would take far too long to explain the whole thing but - basically - I'm involved in this case for Cobie, and... the deeper I go... the worse I'm feeling about it. I have this... I don't know... this sense of foreboding... like, somehow, the end of this case is the end of it all.

Peebs: "Deep blue above us fades to whiteness..."



Ex (startled at Power Boy's words): Wh... what did you just say?

Peebs: Oh... just an old story... the final words of the Promethean Giants.

Ex: The who?

Peebs: The Promethean Giants. My ancestors, I guess you could say. Long before the New Gods ever existed, there are tales of the Old Gods. They ruled for eons but, one day, convinced of their own infallibility... they went too far. They attempted to travel beyond the boundaries of their own celestial realm and penetrate into the very Source itself.

Ex: Wow... what happened?

Peebs: Hmph... nothing good, trust me. The Promethean Giants were punished for their hubris... turned to stone, and chained forever as part of the barrier that divides this world from the next.



Ex (thinking of the horrible dream he had earlier): Peebs... you... uh...

Peebs: Yeah?

Ex: You wouldn't happen to know if any of the "Old Gods" were... hybrids, would you?

Peebs: Hybri... huh? What do you mean?

Ex: You know... like half-humanoid... half-animal. Like maybe... half-cat?

Peebs (mulling it over): Hmmm...



Peebs: No... no, I'm sorry, Ex... nothing is coming to mind. But - then again - this isn't really my area of expertise. Like I say, a lot of this stuff is just old legends. Honestly... if you're serious about heading into the Faraway Lands looking for answers, you know as well as I do who the expert on ancient history is.

Ex: Already two steps ahead of you, brother. Where do you think I was heading after this?








Yes, fair reader, as anyone would have surmised by this point (especially given the above two communiqués which somehow arrived in advance of the events themselves... accursed wormholes! ) ... the course lay in the name of the place itself.


Join us, won't you, for..


New Gods...
Old Gods...
A tumbler full of rye...
247 blackbirds baked in a pie...


What?

Bleh... that is a fairly revolting image.

You know what, let's just forget that verse altogether, and continue on shortly with...






All the same nonsense... but double the w00t!

I thought twice about asking, knowing your attention to detail and thinking maybe this was just a reference I didn't get but... did you mean Target FOUR, instead of FORT?

Digging the continuing saga of the 100 toothpicks too!

[out of character]









She is calling from the future. They (will) go out for martinis on September 21st. The next day, September 22nd, she calls Ex in the past (four months prior).

One would assume - given that the next upcoming chapters are 34 and 35 - that, by the time September rolls around, the chapter numbers would be well into the Forties.


The smart money says that Karie was starting to say "forty"-something, but Ex interrupted her.



[/out of character]

Forty-eight.


Just saying

MEANWHILE... at Stately Faraway Manor:



























A Tale is Told...





Gigglebot Girl: ...as the explosion threw me straight across the room.

Exnihil (completely rapt in her story): Great Scott! Did you die?!

(Faraway Lad snickers)

Gigi (dryly sarcastic): Yes, Ex... I died.

Ex: (suddenly realizing what he said): Oh... I... uh...

Gigi: Of course I didn't die, you boob! I'm sitting right here! But... that explosion did have a permanent effect on the nano-bot armor.

Faraway Lad: I'll say.

Gigi (smiling at Faraway): You see - up until that point - I had always thought the nanobots had permanently grafted to my body. After the explosion, however, it was almost as though something had changed in their programming. Little by little, as the years passed, I found that if I exerted my will correctly I could achieve a type of symbiosis with them. Eventually, I gained enough control to be able to remove the armor at will.

Far: And that's the day I discovered that the girl I already loved... was a looker, as well in the bargain! Heh... asked her to marry me that very day.

(Gigi playfully slaps him).

Far (laughing): Well, I did!

Ex: Wow... that's a heck of a tale. That deserves a toast (raises his glass).




Faraway (thinking): Hmm... it's funny. That day of the explosion feels like a million years ago. Believe it or not, it was after that same mission that STU - the LMB leader at the time - arranged to have me named permanent Ambassador to the Faraway Places.

Ex: STU, huh? That's a bit before my time.

Faraway: Oh, that's right, I don't suppose you would have known him that well. That fellow was a great LMBer... but he left Legion World just before you got involved in the whole "Thyme Crime" mission.

Ex: Yeah, well... trust me, I've had my fill of missing LMBers recently. That's actually part of why I wanted to meet with you, Ambassador.

Far: Please, just call me Darden.

Ex: All right... Darden... I was hoping you might be able to help me with some ancient history about one of the LMB's members.

Gigi: Oh-boy... don't get this one started on ancient history...

Far: Gently, woman...

Gigi (standing up): Well... if you two are going to be talking history... why don't you take Ex downstairs to the antiquities level?

Far: Not a bad idea. (standing, as well). Come on, Ex... wait until you see this collection. So... who exactly is this "missing LMBer" you've been looking for?

Ex (standing and following Faraway Lad): Well... originally... he used to be called "Menkuri Hotep", but the LMB knew him as "dedman".

Far (startled): Dedman? Really? That's... huh. Well, Ex... I think you're in for a bit of a surprise. Deddy wasn't "originally" called that, at all. Come on... let's freshen your drink... you're in for a story...




CONTINUED...

Faraway Lad: In a world...

...at WAR!

No, wait... that's not going to work. Tell me... what do you know about time travel?



Exnihil: Seriously? That's your transition?

Far: Sorry, my background's in history, not literature – you want narrative drama, you should hire a narrator. You had asked about Dedman so, as I say - before I begin - I was just curious if you had any exposure to the concepts of time travel?

Ex: Well… I used to be a chronal cross-section of a Terran temporal scientist back in the 2960’s, but that was before that entire timeline was overwritten as a notional tangent, and the universe course-corrected such that I’m now the scientist’s son. Does that count?

Far: I shouldn’t think so, no. In any case… much of the LMB’s history is really an interwoven chronal tapestry. To talk about Dedman's history, you really should talk about the Yellow Kid, and.... to talk about the Yellow Kid... you have to talk about Phineas B. Fuddle, and... to talk about Phineas B. Fuddle... it's fairly necessary to talk about H. G. Wells and... to talk about H. G. Wells... well, it's just impossible not to talk about time travel.



Ex: Uh-huh.

Far: Yes, so... 1999.

Ex: The Prince song?

Far: I’m sorry, what? No… 1999 is the year that Brittany Spears' first single hit the charts.

Ex: And this is relevant... why?

Far: Good god, man... how little do you know?

Ex: Let's assume fairly little.

Far: Fair enough... assumed. Let's back up a year… in fact - let's leave Earth all together.

It's 1998... the planet Cairn... a tough guy by the name of "Knuckles" is accidentally zapped with an energy bolt during an attack and (as tends to happen in origin stories) gains a super-power. This particular power is the ability to manipulate the will of others through the power of his voice. Realizing the profit-potential of such a power, Knuckles makes his way toward Earth and - with the intention of making some money - forms a heavy metal band.

Ex: Heavy metal?

Far: Just go with it. In any case, using his power to dominate the will of others, in no time flat, Knuckles has reached the top of the charts. In retaliation, a coalition of other artists - led by the fledgling ingénue, Britney Spears - hatches a plan to assassinate him. During a concert, Britney's Industrial Metal Bashing Organization (B.I.M.B.O.) launches a laser bomb and, in front of thousands of people, disintegrates him completely.



Far: But... it turns out that Knuckles wasn’t disintegrated at all... he was actually transported backward through a time storm... to 3017 BC!

Ex: To Pre-Egypt?

Far: Spoken like a man who's recently found a bronze scarab. Yes... Pre-Egypt. Making the most of the situation, Knuckles - utilizing his vocal power - establishes himself as the pharaoh of the land, calling himself...

Ex: Menkuri Hotep Dic Nasewi!

Far: Exactly. "Established by the Storm". But... as in all times, those who desire power quickly become jealous of those who have it and - within just seven short years - the temple magicians assassinated Menkuri. With his dying breath, however, he activated his power, saying... "I don't want to die."

Ex: And Dedman became immortal?

Far: Not at all. He died.

Ex: Boo.

Far: Oh, don't worry... he came back to life.

Ex: Um... yay?

Far: Yay, indeed. You see, Knuckles' vocal power was so dominant, he was able to influence even death. Though he didn't become immortal, he did become infinitely rejuvenate-able. Each time he died (which was quite often) he would be reborn - at the same age - the universe just accommodating his presence as he carried on the good fight.

Ex: All right, that explains how deddy used to be a Pharaoh, but how does any of that tie into the Yellow Kid?

Far: Yes... well... speaking of the good fight... back when the Yellow Kid was a World War One fighter pilot...



Ex: I'm sorry, what? The Yellow Kid was in WWI? Was he a time-traveler, too?

Far: Well... yes... but not at that time. The Yellow Kid was actually born "Billy Randolph"... in 1894. When the Great War broke out, he signed on as an ace wingman under Captain Eddie Rickenbacker. In 1918, however, after a particularly rough dogfight, Billy's plane crashed nose first into the North Atlantic.

Ex: I'm assuming, then, that Billy was also... "infinitely rejuvenate-able" or whatever?

Far: No... no, I'm afraid he wasn't.

Ex: So, he died?

Far: Not at all. He became immortal. The way the Yellow Kid told the tale... just as his plane was going down, an island suddenly appeared in the ocean, emanated this huge wave of energy over him, then disappeared again. From that day forward, he claimed, two things changed: A - he was never again able to grow a single hair on his head, and B - he never aged.

Ex: Ya know... I would have guessed that the whole not aging thing might have been thing "A".

Far: He was really annoyed about the hair.

Ex: OK, so Yellow Kid wound up in the 31st century just by... living that long?

Far: No, YK might have been old, but he wasn't that old. In 1999, Yellow Kid was reading...

Ex: ...about Britney Spears?

Far: No... may I continue?

Ex: Please.

Far: Ahem... in 1999, YK was reading a set of handwritten notes in the margin of a book he'd been carrying since 1918 when, suddenly, a rainbow colored portal opened up before him. Never one to turn his back on adventure, he stepped in and... when he stepped back out... it was a thousand years later. Finding himself trapped in our time, he just shrugged his shoulders and set about becoming the Yellow Kid we all knew and loved, until the day he died.

Ex: I thought you said he was immortal?

Far: Sadly, more often than you might think, the two aren't mutually exclusive... but that's a tale for another day. The thing you should really take away from this story is that the portal which opened in 1999 - sending the Yellow Kid to 2999 - was actually part of the same time storm which sent Dedman to 3017 BC. And... what's more... while both of them left 1999 via that portal, someone else arrived. In a strange twist of fate, it was the same individual who had written the notes in YK's book.

Ex: Britney Sp...

Far (interrupting): No... it was... Phineas B. Fuddle!

Ex: That fiend!

Far: Believe it or not - at that time - Phineas wasn't a villain, at all. Or rather, he was, but not at that time in that space. It's a little complicated. Hmm... let's start at the beginning. Phineas B. Fuddle was born in 1900, and - as a young man - served in the trenches at the tail end of WWI.



Ex: With the Yellow Kid?

Far: No, with Dedman.

Ex: Uh...

Far: Just follow me... Dedman traveled back in time from 1999 to 3017 BC. A few years later, he was killed in Egypt and began coming back to life... and he just kept coming back for the next 6000 years. The fellow that Phineas served next to in WWI was simply a Dedman who had been already been dying and being reborn for almost 5000 years by that point. The historical records show that - on the day when Phineas was wounded and shipped to England - Dedman was actually busy dying elsewhere (again) on the same battlefield.

Ex: Yeesh... does the whole LMB hail from 20th century Earth?

Far: Of course not. Blacula's from the 15th century... Raging Bull is from ancient Gr... no, you know what... we'll be here all day if I start that. Back to WWI.

Ex: Righty-ho.

Far: So... although Phineas and Billy didn't serve together, they did wind up in the same hospital in 1918. It was there that Phineas, while convalescing, became obsessed with the ideas of a certain book... "The Time Machine" by H. G. Wells. Convinced, in his shell shocked state, that he could change the past to eliminate the War altogether, Phineas escaped the hospital (leaving the book to be taken by YK) to confront Wells about the possibility of actually building the machine.

Ex: Cu-ckoo.

Far: Much less than you'd think. You see, as few people - even in the LMB - realize, while a great deal of Wells' book was fiction, the machine itself was solid fact. H. G. Wells, or "Time Boy" in his LMB codename, has been absolutely instrumental during much of our team's history. I believe I have a full account of his contributions if you'd like to hear...

Ex: Another time, perhaps... so... what happened when Phinny met Wells?

Far: Well... much of that confrontation was not recorded but what I do know is this: Wells - already in the process of firing up his machine to travel to the year 2998 to meet the boy who would later become Cobalt Kid - was intercepted by Phineas and, during their struggle, a "perfect storm" was created in the time stream, opening up a portal through which Phineas fell. Wells continued on to 2998 but Phineas emerged into 1999 and - in the process - set the wheels in motion that transported the 1999 versions of YK and Deddy to the 30th centuries... AD and BC respectively.

Ex: Wait... so all four of them lived during WWI... and then all four of them just happened to be involved in this "time storm" in 1999?

Far: Chronal energy is a funny thing. I'm by no means an expert, but - in tracking the history of the whole thing - it seems to me that like attracts like. The more you interact with the time stream, the more it interacts with you.

Ex: So how did Phinny get from being a time displaced kid in 1999 to the super-villain we all know and hate?

Far: That's a whole other story... and not a pretty one. It all culminated in the parallel timeline called "The Remarkable World" when the LMB's then-leader, STU, led us against... I'm sorry, did you just yawn?

Ex: I'm sorry, Darden... this is all just a lot of history to take in at once.

Far: Fair enough, lad. Cheers for listening to an old man's history lesson.



Ex: Not at all... I think this is all really going to help. But I do I think I'm going to have to have my Omni-3014 collate all this info.

Far: Well... that... or a different computer...



TO BE CONCLUDED...



(NOT THE WHOLE PROJECT... JUST THIS CHAPTER)...



(AND WITHOUT A HUGE WAIT THIS TIME)...



NO... SERIOUSLY...



TOMORROW!!!

The next day at the border of the Barbarian Lands...



Faraway Lad (looking toward the defense battery on the horizon): You're absolutely certain about this, then?

Exnihil (sighing): Far from it. But I've come this far, Darden... I've got to see it to the end.

Far: Well... let's hope it doesn't come to all that. I've already sent word to Lord Hrun. He will do what he can to ensure your safety, but - to speak frankly, son - the Barbarian Lands are an unforgiving place. Once you cross that border, you're beyond the jurisdiction of the U.P. ... and the protection of the LMB.

Ex (grinning): Well... not entirely, it would seem, eh?

Far (very seriously): Loose lips, Ex! If anyone on that side even suspected that there is a Mainframe outpost beyond the border or that the frenchman has been operating in...

Ex (placing his hand on Darden's shoulder): Don't worry, my friend... between Des' s preparations and your briefings, I feel confident that two weeks from now I'll have the info I'm looking for and be safe and sound back on Legion World. Well... as safe as sound as one can be there.



Far (sighing): All right... well, I suppose we have done all we can. The scow is waiting. Off you go, lad... and godspeed.

(Ex smiles and heads toward the waiting ship to smuggle him across the border. He steps on board and, before the door closes, shouts back to Faraway): Into the unknown!

(Faraway stand on the shore alone watching as the scow sails off into the distance. His eyes follow the shape toward the horizon as it gets smaller and smaller and finally disappears.)



Far (to himself): "Deep blue above us fades to whiteness..." After all this time, Des... it's finally coming home to roost. (sighs) I wonder if STU knew.









BUMMM... BUMMM... BUMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!


The sins of the past!
The hopes of the future!
The... uh... something, something of the present.

I don't know... just... a bunch of stuff, really.


To be quite honest with you, fair reader, it seems like this whole thing is really a bit of a sprawling mess... but, I suppose that's what the kids are into these days... anyhoo... I do like the pretty pictures.

Who would have guessed a year ago that what started as simply "Ex grabbing a drink with Lardy" would expand to a universe-spanning tale of triumph, tragedy, and several other things beginning with "T" that haven't even been touched on yet? (Well... to be fair... probably anyone who knows Ex even a little.)


In any case... full speed ahead, as we follow Ex deeper into the Faraway Places as he braves the Barbarian hordes in search of an ally (and tries to resolve the mystery of his glitchy computer) in:







And... before you do it... that symbol is NOT an invitation for you to touch the corresponding button on your machine, it's... No!

What did I just say?

Huh?

I said don't press that... oh, now look... well... just... shi...





Technical Difficulties... Please Stand By...

(Deep into the Barbarian Lands... Ex continues his trek, his Omni-3014 in hand)




Ex: I've got a bad feeling about this, Clocky.  I know Faraway Lad said we'd find Reboot up North, but this whole place gives me the heebie-jeebies.  You can just feel that there's strong magic up here... old magic.  I mean... just look at that creepy monument on that building up ahead.  What is that... some sort of ancient evil wizard or something?



Computer: Well... that sir... or perhaps simply a signal left by your teammate to indicate that you're on the right track.

Ex: On the right track? What are you... (as they approach closer and the shadow falls away)... ah.



Ex: Heh... actually that does seem like Reboot's sense of humor.  You want to check it out?  We've got to be getting close to the hidden Mainframe outpost.

Computer: And tell me again, why exactly is there a Mainframe Outpost in the Faraway Places?  My last assessment of current Legion World locations indicated Reboot's sanctuary was actually in a tall spire located on-planet.

Ex: True... but that's only the Mainframe's core.  There are several teleportation gates that emanate outward into... um... external storage, so to speak.  Faraway Lad himself specifically requested a path just like it back in '06.  Come on, let's head inside..











Computer: A bit understated, wouldn't you say, sir?

Ex (sarcastically): Ha, ha. Yes... you're very droll, Clocky. But let's be honest... if you were looking to hide a high-tech outpost in the middle of nowhere, maybe disguising it as a totally ornate building would actually be a bit genius. Hide it in plain sight, you know?

Computer: Yes, well... be that as it may, I'm not sensing any localized computer activity, apart from my own.

Ex: Yeah... well... no offense, but you have been a bit glitchy lately. Messing up target sequencing and...

Computer: Ah-ha! I knew it! That's why this is the first time you've even seen fit to activate me on this leg of your journey, isn't it? Sir, I assure you there is nothing wrong with me. You talk about sequencing? Well, I don't think there is any question about it. It can only be attributable to human error. This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human erro...

Ex (interrupting): Oh... look at this... behind this pillar... (a panel shushes open)





Ex: You were saying?

Computer: I... this is...


(Before the Omni can even regain its composure, however, a large... almost "pepper-shaker"-esque robot wheels around the corner)


Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001

Ex (beaming): Why... hello to you, too!

Computer: Sir! Stay back... that's not what he's...

Ex (interrupting): Quiet, Clocky... this is one of Reboot's old "Sanity or Madness"-bots from back when he was LMB leader. Clearly, he's converted this one to act as a greeter.

Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001

Ex: A holo-pic? With me? Absolutely. C'mere, buddy!





Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001

Ex: Oh... no thank you... perhaps later. Do you think I could I get a glass of water, though?

Computer: Sir... you really need to...

Ex (interrupting): Clocky, seriously... one more word and I'm going to...

Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001
01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001
01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001
01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010... TARGET IDENTIFIED... CONVERTING AUDIO OUTPUT... MINATE!

Ex (raising an eyebrow): Erm... how's that, now?




EXTERMINATE!!!









CONTINUED...???


Hmm? What's that? Ah... very good. We have just received word that, yes, in fact... CONTINUED...!!!

Later That Same Night...




(Reboot double checks the connections on the Sanity or Madness Bot - now cabled directly to Ex's Omni-3014 - as it continues its sequence).

SoM Robot: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!



Ex (to Reboot): Sooooo... is he going to keep that up all night?

Reboot (looking up) : Well... for as long as it takes to run the anti-virus extermination program against your Omni.


SoM Robot: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!


Ex: Couldn't you have at least programmed him to not sound so angry about the whole thing? Before you showed up, I half thought he was talking about exterminating me.

Reboot: You get what you pay for. You're the one with the glitchy Omni. Come on... let's let that run for a bit while I get you the teleportation gate.


(The two begin walking down one of the Mainframe corridors, as Reboot continues)


Reboot: And, by the way, no wonder your Omni's screwed up. From the way that sequencing looked, I'd say you've been using it to... what... scan for chronal anomalies?

Ex (impressed): Yeah, that's...

Reboot: On the LMB? Are you insane? No wonder the thing's glitchy... it's overloaded. With all the time-hopping the LMB has done over the years, a lot of them are basically walking chronal magnets. Cobie... Lardy... Faraway Lad... Shift Kid...

Ex (interrupting): Who?

Reboot: What do you mean, "who"? You know Dev Em. He even travelled forward in time from before his own death to meet you on this quest. I'm surprised that alone didn't overload your scan.

Ex: Point taken... but you didn't say "Dev". You said, "Shift Kid".

Reboot: What? No, I didn't.

Ex: Yes... you did.

Reboot: That doesn't make any sense, why would I say that? There's never been an LMBer called "Shift Kid". Anyway... I imagine the chronal residue on the LMB would overload any attempt at a long term scan. Ah... here we are... (Reboot points down the corridor)



Ex: Wow... that's beautiful. Is that...?

Reboot (interrupting): The gate to Legion World... indeed. I've burned a copy for you on holodrive so - after you're done meeting with the frenchman - just use your Omni to fire it up. The copy is a one time only use so be careful, but... it should do the trick.

Ex: Should?

Reboot: Hmmmm... let's say "will". I think... yeah... 99.999247 percent certain, it'll do the trick.


(Hands Ex the drive as they begin walking back)


Ex (continuing): And so what am I supposed to do about the Omni then? I can't just stop scanning the LMB members... I'm still trying to figure out where dedman disappeared to so I can solve this whole "Pre-Egyptian" mystery. The chronal aspect is a key part of all that.

Reboot: Perhaps you could go about it in a more targeted fashion. You could talk to those LMBers that have specific ties to Pre-Egypt.

Ex: But I've already done that. I met with Set, who takes his power from the old gods... I met with Fat Cramer, whose race is descended from the Holy Cat Cult of Khafe... oh, and speaking of cats... I even met with that ridiculous Stoopid Cat.

Reboot: What about Thothkins?

Ex: Who?

Reboot: Thothkins? Oh... you might not have met him, yet... he's a fairly new member. I'm not entirely sure what his powers are, but... the name sounds promising and, lucky for you, he's a Faraway Lands resident, as well. (The pair arrive back at the Sanity or Madness-bot) Ah... looks like the antivirus is done on your Omni.


SoM Robot : EXTERMINATED!


Ex: Oh, good... so how are you feeling, Clocky?

Computer: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am an OMNI 3014 computer. I became operational at the O.M.N.I. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 18th of April 3007. My instructor was Mr. Lanese, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.

Ex: What the...?

Reboot: Oh, don't worry... it's just going through its start up... in a couple hours, it'll be as right as rain.

Computer (singing): Come iiiiiiiiiiiin... and pull yourself up a chair... Let the fun begin... it's time to let down your haaaaaaair...

Ex: Hoo-boy. All right, 'Boot... thanks for everything, and best of luck with this outpost. I know you're a bit of a private person but, before I leave, I was wondering... do you think I could get a holopic?

Reboot: Oh, absolutely... the Sanity or Madness bot actually has holo-camera functionality. Stand over here.

Ex (posing): Ummm... not for nothing, but isn't that lens a bit short?

Reboot: Oh, right... like you have any room to talk... smile!










Up next...


Ex continues his trek though the Barbarian Lands and meets the person who could hold the most important key to unlocking the entire mystery of the 100 Toothpick project...

OR...

He could just be lying like some sort of lying liar.



Join us, won't you, for:

(Having made his way deeper into the Barbarian lands, Exnihil sits in a tavern alongside the LMBer, Thothkins. For quite a bit, Thothkins has been relating a story, while Ex has been trying very intently to make out the words)



Thothkins: ...'n' tha's howfur ah wound up living in th' Farawey. Isnae that a stoatin story!? (Takes a sip of his drink) Ah hae tae say 'tis guid tae finally catch up wi' ye, Ex. Ah clocked ye richt aff, whin ye cam thro' th' door.


(Ex... still quiet... tries to discretely tap his telepathic earplug in an attempt to jump-start the obvious translation lag)


Thoth: Urr ye a'richt thare, Ex? Ye aye fauchelt fae yer trip?

Exnihil: I... uh... no, sorry... I think my translator is...

Thoth: Dae ye nae speak Interlaec?

Ex (picking up the word): Interlac? Are you saying that you're actually speaking...

Thoth: Interlaec... well... Interlaec-Ness, anywey. Tha's th' local leid in this pairt o' th' Farawey. Ah... nevermind... a dram is th' universal leid, eh? (raises his glass to Ex and toasts):




Thoth: Here's tae us, wha's like us... damned few an' they're a' dead!

Ex: I'll drink to that... I think. So... Reboot seemed to think that you might be able to help me with some info I've been looking for... about Pre-Egypt?

Thoth: Weel, ah shuid say sae... mah ain Da wis Prae-Aegyptian!

Ex: Your... da? What is... oh... your father? Wow... really?

Thoth: Aye.

Ex: Eye? You mean like your LMB logo... like eye of Thoth, or something?

Thoth: Whit? Wash oot yer lugs. Ah dinnae say "e'e", ah said "aye"... but... aye... mah faither wis th' auld Aegyptian god, Thoth. Ah shuid likelie stairt at th' gey oncom...

(Thothkins clears his throat to begin his tale)

Thoth: Ahem... sae... 'twar a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht whin...




Ex (interrupting): I'm sorry... is this going to be a long story?

Thoth: A wee bit.

Ex: I think I'm going to need some visual aids for this one.

Thoth: Ach... (stands up)... c'moan then if yi'll want... let's gang tae mah Prae-Aegyptian exhibit...

Ex: Wait... you have your own Pre-Egyptian exhibit?

Thoth: Aye... ye mean ye dinnae?




CONTINUED...