Why I couldn't be the hero...

1. Because I can't do the cool one-liners.

2. The costume I ordered was the wrong size.

3. My parents were well adjusted and alive.

4. My cape got me sucked into an airplane engine.

5. It's more fun to be the villain.

6.I look terrible in spandex.

7. My sidekick is on strike.

8. My sidekick died

9. My main villain would be a simple cell phone that's too complicated for me to work.

10. Oh, Scarlett, I'm A Coward.

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/d68882c1-3502-4130-9afa-b4022aa20d9b

11. My ex-wife got the house in the divorce, and my secret HQ was in the basement.

12. I tried, but being the villain paid the mortgage.

13. Convictions after my sidekick described crime fighting as "another late night of bruising, wrestling action."

14. Somebody cast a spell to make me evil

15. The mayor said that Mighty Flatulence Powers weren't really what they wanted to be defended by.

16. Somebody broke in and stole all my crime-fighting gadgets.

17. Superior archery skills and nifty arrows turned out to be an over-crowded sector.

18. My banter needs work.

19. I didn't pass the telepathic screening.

20. constantly coming up with evil schemes.

21. I was on jury duty that day.

22. Taking a real interest in how the villain builds his orbital death rays, means I'm chatting away when I should be saving the charred ruins of freedom loving areas of the world.

23. The only thing radioactive that bit me was a nematode.

24. The Incredibles didn't cast me.

25. Shrieking like a little girl does not make for a confidence inspiring battle cry.

26. Shouting "Flame On!" just gives me third degree burns and the power of loud screaming.

27. If I had powers...people would just be dead.

The boys don't like the tight underwear.

29. I kept using my telekinesis to change my outfits

30. Pay's not good enough.

31. Those missions were too dangerous for a girl.

32. The voices told me not to.

33. Need to finish binge-watching Masha and the Bear (Masha i Medved). Again.

34. Next door, The Wayne's got a bat thrown through their window inspiring them to fight crime. The newspaper boy just threw yesterday's paper through mine. Sure, I investigate what's in it, but it had all already happened...

35. All those restraining orders

36. See, it's just a local tremor. Honestly dad, you totally overreact. "Planet blowing up" indeed.

37. Too lazy

38. I suck at this whole secret identity thing. Just too much of a hassle to wear regular clothes over my costume... the buttons keep getting stuck...

39. I can only live in the desert due to the restraining orders keeping me away from sentients.

40. With fewer phone booths around thanks to mobiles, I keep getting arrested stripping off in the gents toilets.

41. I suck at time management. I barely have enough time for my "secret identity" job...

42. My spandex shrunk embarrassingly.

43. My mommy won't let me

Originally Posted by thoth lad

40. With fewer phone booths around thanks to mobiles, I keep getting arrested stripping off in the gents toilets.

Next time use the ladies room Wonder Woman!

Originally Posted by Quislet, Esq

Originally Posted by thoth lad

40. With fewer phone booths around thanks to mobiles, I keep getting arrested stripping off in the gents toilets.

Next time use the ladies room Wonder Woman!

Are you pulling my chain? Because if I am in chains my powers will fade...

44. I was chosen to become the next Spectre but it would have gone against my atheism.

45. Denied entry into the country because I was a Stranger Visitor from another planet. If only I had been a regular visitor...

46. Trump had me deported back to Krypton.

Originally Posted by thoth lad

46. Trump had me deported back to Krypton.

So you are hanging in a nearly empty area of space? Hopefully far enough away from those radioactive fragments that will kill you.

I took out the "radioactive ruin" part of the post as I thought it lacked impact. Unlike all these giant green rocks flying around here, now I'm back home.

47. I was busy eating pizza.

48. Lactose intolerance

49. I was inspired to fight crime after a giant sloth was catapulted through my drawing room window. One day my training will be complezzzzzzzz...

50. I have to keep going to the bathroom during fights

51. Turns out, super nagging does not a great hero make

52. I was written out of 52!

53. I didn't keep up on my equipment bills

54. I put diesel instead of Ultra-Unleaded into my thoth-mobile.

55. Because I built the fence between Mexico and the US

56. Because I chose the wrong year to debut as the playing card themed Trump Teen.

57. Because I killed all my villain enemies, which left me with nothing to do.

58. Because I'm working undercover with Infectious Lass trying to prevent her arch enemy Mr Sniffles from infecting presidential candidates with pneu... ah, look what happened when I'm typing...ah heck...Drura is not going to be happy...

59. I thought it was just a new reality TV show...

60. I don't like wearing my underwear on the outside.

61. "And the Mighty (yet burned out) Johns said 'Let the colours of the Rings be combined!' And so it came to pass. But following the dispute against the Estate of Tolkein the ring was...um... powered down quite a bit. But, you know, changing the colours of things can be pretty effective too you know." - Plaid Lad.

62. Because...

63. I hate conflict.

64. Too busy watching superhero movies and TV shows.

65. My secret origin was not silly enough.

66. Yes, I look just like him. Yes, the whole book went for years, and a dozen writers, with people thinking he was me, down to the tiniest detail. But he was a clone, I tell you. I'm not responsible for anything bad that happened in the end. I was trapped down one of the Holes on the planet Plott the whole time. Now let me out of this cell, or my buddies will get me out. Either the Avengers or the Sinister Six depending on who they think I am today.

67. Nobody could understand my powers.

68. Being given the Helm of Fate made me realise that everything is predetermined. So why intervene at all?

69. Because I don't have an Alfred Pennyworth to get rid out those annoying battle stains. Oxy-Clean cannot get rid of Plasmus goo.

70. Because I watched "Super Size Me" last night and saw my new life's goal. At the drive-thru now.

71. Because butt dimples are not pretty in spandex.

72. "I'm not saying that innovation is on the decline. But after Hourman and Minute Man, it's disappointing to have powers that are gone before I can move." - Nano Man.

73. Because my action figure never sold and is being recycled into sports drink bottles.

74. I was a hugely famous hero. But that's before my arch foe Copyright Kid stole that time bubble. Now I spend all my time in court trying to prove everyone wrong.

75. Because RuPaul and Michelle Visage laughed at my costume and sent me home without a statue.

76. " 'Cause, like, the cosmic waves have to be just right man." - The Silver Surf Bum

77. Because it's all you can eat to the Country Buffet. ALL YOU CAN EAT! I have been here for 4 hours.

78. I was all ready for my Legion try out after 4 hours at the Country Buffet. *Then* they tell me that Bulimic Boy wouldn't set the right tone for their team.

79. Oh my, I need the Imodium ASAP after 4 hours at the Country Buffet!

80. "I just never seemed to get a good run at the hero biz." - Imodium Lad

81. Because my sidekick Pepto Boy hated going after I did.

82. Super-procrastination is not really a super power.

83. Because the MBTA (Boston joke here) Orange Line was not running and instead had shuttles. By the time I got there, the city was in ruins, villains had left and the fare home increased by 9%.

84. "I live completely in the moment. So unless it's a crime right here, right now, I have no interest." Zen Lad

85. I had ensure that I locked the front door, then went back inside to see if I had left a light on, then relocked the door, then went back because I thought I left a light on, the relocked the door but remembered to turn on a light before I leave....

Originally Posted by Jfposey

83. Because the MBTA (Boston joke here) Orange Line was not running and instead had shuttles. By the time I got there, the city was in ruins, villains had left and the fare home increased by 9%.

86. Because I didn't have enough change to get off the MTA.

87. Because I cannot get off this Island of Misfit Toys. What is up with this dolly anyways?

88. So Central City has The Flash. Well I'm faster than he is. So I called myself Flasher...and that's when the police became interested.

89. Because Robert Smith already defeated Mecha Streisand.

Use Robot Punch Robert Smith!

90. "My folks didn't raise me to be arrogant enough to call myself Mr Terrific, but I do admit that Mister Mediocre sure doesn't bring in much sponsorship money."

91. Because I am playing poker with Earthworm Jim, Freakazoid and The Tick and it is my turn to do the beer run.

92. "After my neutering, there wasn't much Wild in the 'ol Wildcat, if you catch my meaning."

93. After his neutering, there wasn't much reason to come home to, if you catch my meaning. So I stayed here on Titan. (Ahem). Giggle.

94. "It was sort of a one shot power, and third degree burns aren't much use in fighting crime." - Lightning Rod Lad

95. New York has Giants, Tennessee has Titans, Oakland has Raiders, New England has Patriots and Minnesota has Vikings, who needs my weak power to protect them? I would probably fumble it anyways.

96. "Well I thought after Robotman's success from the 40s right through to the end of the Doom Patrol, that I'd specialise to make it even better.

But technology has a way of making you obsolete even as you reach to grasp the future." - Beta Max Bill

97. I'm allergic to evil. I get hives all over the place, sinus issues.

98. So I kept making like, "May the light of goodness burn the evil out of your souls!", "Cower before my radiance!", "I call on the life-giving heat to warm your cold, cold bones!". I mean, Storm of the X-Men talks like that all the time. And White Witch of the Legion. And most magicians. But nooooo, the villains wouldn't act like proper villains and just stand there while I talk. They kept rushing me while I was talking!

99. Because I got a huge run in my tights.

100. Because a movie studio had the rights to my character.

101. Because Uber is no longer in my city.

102. I thought I could fly.

Turns out, I can't.

103. Being The Mighty Plunger Man was not the only bad choice, Using Port-a-Potties as my change room and having the call sign of a drain only limited my rescue business. Septic Boy and I are now listed in the Yellow Pages next to Roto-Rooter.

104. I couldn't stick to my strict diet. No abs = no career.

105. I kept violating my parole.

106. Failed "Comabt Quips" 101

Fixed numbering so future generations wouldn't see my slip up. Just like they can't see this edit...drats...

106. Nobody could spell my code name. Monsieur Syzygy isn't that hard!

I think we are on #108 now.

108. Stuck at the DMV trying to register my hero mobile but they keep telling me I cannot have all the weapons and tech.

Ah nice catch on the numbering.

109. I kept dropping the hostages I was carrying.

Ouch.

110. I got vocal nodes so I cannot say my spells backwards anymore by doctor's orders.

111. The villains kept luring me into traps by mimicking my sidekick's signal device

112. The villains teased me because I made my costume out of pipe cleaners and felt.

113. "Will you turn that !*$* signal watch off Jimmy?! It's two in the morning and don't tell me you didn't know I was with Lois! You do this every time!"

114. My phone reception sucks so bad I don't hear about the crime until the bad guys have gotten away.

115. My horoscope said "with the moon rising over your Planet, Mercury is in play and you should not be answering any distress beacons."

116. "Well, it was the '90's and grim and deadly anti-hero vigilantes were everywhere. When I saw that my arch nemesis was going to be The Castrator, I just quit."

117. "Glass Lass really does not like to fight me in battle." - Stone Boy

118. I didn't feel like shaving daily.

119. Frozone's wife hid my super suit too.

120. I failed my driving exam.

121. I have irritable bowls.

122. Nobody wanted to be my sidekick.

123. I stayed for the happy ending and missed out on the battle

124. "Oan Battery? You're kidding me! I didn't even get a Duracell battery. I ended up stranded on Pluto, when mine gave out."

125. I have no self-control whatsoever.

126. My super-power of absorbing the super-weaknesses of anyone around me turned out to be less than useful in fighting crime...

Originally Posted by Jfposey

77. Because it's all you can eat to the Country Buffet. ALL YOU CAN EAT! I have been here for 4 hours.

Food all gone! Go home! The sign says, 'All you can eat!' not 'Eat all you can!'

129. The dry cleaners was closed.

130. I started sniffing the adhesive that allowed me to stick to walls.

131. My antidepressants are affecting my angst.

132. "Do you mind? I've got another hour of whiny/shouty 'Liliths!' to get in before the end of my shift. 'Liiiiiliiiiithhhhh'!" - Azrael

133. I was busy writing why I couldn't be a hero.

134. "If I agree to type a post for that man, then I'll be taking his commands. That's a mental shackle, and I'll lose all my powers under shackles. > Furious typey, type, type, type<" - Golden Age Wondy

135. Because someone has to clean the cat box.

136."Of course my Cosmic Rod doesn't have a vibrate function. What are you suggesting?! Right! That's it! I quit!" - Nighty Knight.

137. Because Crossword King is not really a major player in battle.

138. I was late. Light was red.

"There are no red lights in a car chase!" - GoGo

139. I'm only the most mediocre there is at what I do. And what I do isn't very difficult.

140. I have a hangnail.

141. The heroes were mean and laughed at me, but the villains were nice and took me in!

142. I have a soufflé in the oven.

142. "It turns out there's a lot more money, for doing so very little in mining." - Black Canary

Um yeah going to 144. Now.

144. Flunked out of Super Hero High. Appears I was not the only one.

145. I kept double posting at the same time as my teammates, throwing off our list counting.

146. I'll be out as soon as I finish my stories!!!

147. Happy hour was 2-4-1 ... And my arch villain always struck at happy hour.. ARGH

148. I swear this costume fit last time, uh, um, almost, puff, pant, hold on, groan, moan, almost got it....

149. My weakness wasn't common enough, and the villains and other heroes all complained I was too overpowered.

150. My sex tape got out

151. His sex tape got out.

152. Can't fight hot redheads in leather...desire growing...convictions disappearing...drool falling....

153. I can't be late for daycare pick up.

154. Because the code name "Captain Thunderbutt" did not strike terror in any of my foes.

155. My drinking problem

156. I lost the rights to my code name in the divorce.

157. I got voted off the team for not being popular enough

158. Madame Xanadu foresaw my future as a greeter at the local Wal-Mart.

159. I ran out of reasons.

160. My AI sidekick kept farting in my head and I made faces at innapropriate times.

161. Because my super pet hates me.

162. I crashed all my cool, expensive vehicles

163. My sciatica keeps acting up.

164. I have to take my sidekick to a play date with the neighbors.

165. I kept needing to pee on long trans-Pacific flights. The tabloids were way too happy...

166. I have a stupid ad jingle stuck in my head and it ruins my spell casting.

167. My quasi psuedo-science article runs out of power because it's hooked on phonics...and cracked.co m.

168. I have a lawsuit against me due to my superpet leaving a super dump in the neighbors yards.

169. I took candy from a little baby

170. I can't fit into my supersuit because bacon.

...instead of Narfling the Garthog, I Blamnitted the Flingor. It was not well received.

172. As leader, I insisted that Traitor Lad join the Legion, despite the protests of the others.

173. I am Traitor Lad

174. I got sick of vetting out all the Durlan copy cat Traitor Lads on Tryout day.

175. Super Atomic Wedgies.

176. Because I am still not sure how I can market Abstract Art Boy.

177. Said I wouldn't wear a crop top, spike heels, and a thong into battle unless all the men did, too.

178. I did wear a crop top, spiked heels and a thong into battle

179. Too many patients were dying as I raced from brain surgery to fight crime.

180. My magic word is an expletive. Lots of them.

181. Didn't get invited to the try outs. - Pus Lad

182. Got caught moonlighting with a team of supevillains because they had a better medical plan and a cooler space cruiser.

183. Putting my fortress of solitude in a shopping mall turned out to be a very bad idea.

184. The state hasn't passed a recreational marijuana law yet

185. Because they revisited the drugs tests of a decade ago and found that I was using a banned substance. But I'm not the only one.... the whole Justic...>sqwaaark< this is Oracle. This post has been terminated.

186. Oracle hates me

187. I can only connect to Oracle's New Genesian Overtech on the moon through a dial up connection.

188. No one asked

189. Because I, Dr Mayavale, have already spent a millenia doing good deeds. Now, to restore the Karmic balance, it's time for a millenia of Evil! (and petty revenge for all the things that annoyed me when I was doing good.)

190. I find superheroes kind of douchey

191. The name "Palindrome" had already been used and nobody liked my back-up choice: "Onomatopoeia" because it takes WAY too long to say.

192. Because I have trouble remembering where I...what was it...I had it in my mind before I came here...oh well I'm sure it'll come to me sometime later.

193. Because I found the badgirls sexier.

194. I had diabetes after five minutes in the same room as the Marvels.

195. Superman and Batman didn't like the way I smacked their buns of steel

196. Fell out with the Super Pets after I tried to get my horse to replace Comet on the team. - Kid Caligula

197. The benefits are terrible.

198. I quit in embarrassment when my friends found out that the Legion I'd joined was the Newsboy one.

199. It kept screwing up date night.

200. When your sidekick is China Cat and the monkey on your back is a Super one from the Legion of Pets, the only way is down, man....

201. It was on my "to do" list but I never get around to getting it all done.

202. I don't really have extra sensory powers, or a connection to higher beings. Just a good light show and a team running the audience.

203. I had to do my taxes

204. Efil yadyreve ni melborp a eb ot gnitteg saw sdrawkcab gnikaeps.

205. Jailed for assaulting someone who kept speaking backwards.

206. Followed my people back to their distant homeland after a series of stluassa suoiciv.

207. I was waiting for the new Legion book.

208. I waited for a bus to the Watchtower for ages, but it turns out it's on the moon and there's no service that goes there.

209. Won the lotto and now just don't care.

201. Booster Gold got all the *good* sponsorship deals.

211. There were still 96 bottles of beer on the wall

212. I had a breakdown in Hero Hazing week.

213. I slept through Hero Hazing week

214. Crisis wasn't noisy enough to wake me up.

215. I got the directions to the company wide crossover wrong

216. Look, I understand that the War is supposed to be Secret, but how am I suppsed to take part, if I don't know what's going on?

217. I sponsored Bean-Eater Lad for membership, and well... we all know how that turned out.

218. I could have been the hero and I feel I'm scapegoated just because I let Miss Matchhead stand next to Bean-Eater Lad at the tryouts.

219. I like to sleep in.

220. Wore my Kryptonite ring as bling to Superman's birthday party.

221. Turns out the Trouble Alert does not actually have a snooze button. I've been turning it off

222. Free Kitten Day Cross-Promotions got me kicked off Craigslist in front of everyone.

222. I was banned from the Hall of Justice because I listened to Plastic Man showed up to the meeting in Black Canary's fish nets.

224. They found out Posey wasn't really my twin who just looked younger than me because he'd spent two decades in space as a sentient cloud.

225. Geoff Johns wrote me to be a legacy character of a hero that was still popular

226. As the heroes faced off against the Anti Monitor at the dawn of time, I decided to make a few tweaks there myself...

227. I mindwiped a sentient being into becoming the training room for my mutants.

Oh, wait...

228. I killed one of their associates, blinded another and chucked a third into the time stream before imprisoning and torturing the others. Oh wait...

229. I only fell in love with a man who killed one of my associates, blinded another, chucked a third in the timestream, forced a half dozen into hiding and imprisoned the rest, plus subjugated the entire Earth.

Oh wait...

230. Murdered someone although it was hushed up in a retcon, created an indestructible creature, created another one that rampaged through Metropolis, and was retconned into helping in the creation of yet another man's powers that would end up killing millions across the galaxy. Oh wait...

231. I invited Black Bolt to Karaoke Night.

232. I just can't seem to get the knots out of my prehensile hair.

233. Amanda Waller had other ideas

234. Pet Rocks don't count as Super Pets.

235. I was out protesting for #PetRocks as Super Pets

236. Funyuns™ Breath.

237. Noone believed that travelling at the speed of Lint was really a power.

238. My battle cry, "To me, my sex men!", was deemed inappropriate by the Comics Code Authority

239. I could still be the heroine, but there would be no public profile unless I had a boob job, and wore a revealing costume and heels.

240. Because all my money was tied up in Acme Co., and then Wile E. Coyote went and caught that damn roadrunner.

241. I couldn't find the right hashtag

242. I couldn't find a new fad to base my character around that wasn't already a company brand.

243. I was stuck in the new 52 and didn't Rebirth

244. My abs won't pop out enough. They're only a four-pack, in fact...

245. Flight-ring around the collar, instead of just a flight ring.

(Wait have we already done that one?)

246. Jet pack malfunction.

247. I don't see what's so wrong about charging for services rendered

248. Look, I had to ask the damsel to swipe her card somewhere. These tight costumes don't come with pockets you know.

249. ...I refused to sleep with Howard The Duck. Hey, I don't dig feathers okay?

250. My credit score was lower than expected

251. Dressing like the Portlandia statnue isn't practical on windy days. Wardrobe fail, don'cha' know.

252. They started a prayer circle and that just freaked me out

253. There was a casting couch for team auditions. Yuck!

254. My role model was Maxwell Lord

255. As a grim pulp anti hero, I quit when my agent suggested a Disney crossover. That was then...

256. I refused to have a talking animal sidekick.

257. I was reported to the FBI while looking for a teen sidekick

258. I haven't been able to find an arch-enemy

259. I was kicked out of the League when it was discovered that my supporting cast were cardboard cut outs.

260. I kept talking about my weakness to reporters

261. I really don't like being hit

262. I didn't really like hitting other people, even the bad guys

263. Having villain therapy sessions was considered not to be Actioney enough for Action Comics.

264. After fighting Bacteria Betty, my union suit deteriorated while flying over the city. 48 solved cases, and the police call me a perv for mooning the city.

265. Oh, NO killing. Sorry, missed that part.

266. Not even other heroes could stand me - Mime Lad

267. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.... that guy just wanted to shake my hand so badly... How was I to know that... that...

*sob*

- Wither

268. Flicking snot at super speed is a *great* power. But would they listen?

269. I said "to 69"!

270. I couldn't remember people's code names

271. Missed the big crossover event due to incapacitating ingrown toenail surgery.

272. Apparently, I'm too diverse to succeed in a comic

273. Is it wrong to just want some Me time?

274. I insisted on calling him "Streaky the Super-pussy cat". Some folks didn't like it.

275. I tried, but when Rota Rooter Man said he wanted to rule the world, I just got fed up and said "Okay! Fine! First, you need to solve the problem of war between Tenktous 8 and Farfrumpoopen 3. Then there's the Galaxy council trade conference. At 48.28994.11 you have the delegates from Glaxion Prime...." It went on like that for about four and a half hours. The poor guy just broke down and cried. He's in a straight jacket now, drooling in a corner. They said I was just too nasty to be a hero.

276. It's important not to just stop the villains but understand them. That's why I came up with "be a vilain for the day." It's not my fault some of them switched sides and Supes incinerated Metropolis.

277. Was in fact the one who got Supes to destroy the city because frankly my landlord was a dink for raising the rent 3 times in 1 year.

278. I got caught being behind city destroying real estate scams. - Maxwell (Land)lord

279. I spent too much time listening to idiots.

280. My costume went transparent in the rain.

281. I have trying out Rompers and capes so much I missed all the trouble alerts.

282. I took candy from a baby

283. I took a baby from Krypton - Rocket Lad

284. Well the funniest thing happens when you smash a non-superpowered villain in the face with a brick at 180 mph ... but apparently it can get you tossed out of the superheroes club

285. Torchy wanted to be my sidekick so much. How could I have known that the treated gasoline wouldn't give everyone super powers?

286. My super gonorrhea is apparently not media-friendly

287. I lost my wager with Galactus.

288. My series was part of the DC Implosion in the 1970s

289. My story got lost in the Marvel Glut.

290. I didn't allow them to make lifelike action figures of me.

The request was pretty suspicious, you know... I didn't understand why I had to let them make molds of the parts between my legs...

291. I wasn't able to get the molds for the action figure line. The guy kept questioning the process. Body Accuracy Man will not compromise.

292. Someone (not me!!) washed my red cape with my white tights, and now everything is pink.

293. I'm trapped in my super-hideout. There's a spider by the door...

294. I go to the bathroom, have sex, and fartbelchscratchsniffgruntsnort. Hero's don't do that sort of thing.

295. I'm all for saving people, but they could at least try to save themselves sometimes y'know?

296. I didn't try to hide my identity on Grindr. You would not believe how many opportunistic assholes there are...

297. I cursed during my interview for the team.

298. I couldn't stick to the fitness regimen. Nobody wants to see a guy in ONLY decent shape in full spandex...

299. Bought out by a bigger franchise. - Xylophone Man.

300. I didn't have anything special to contribute to the 300th post.

301. ... I joined in the big 300th Anniversary issue, but there was the usual reader slump after it, leading to my removal form the team in an attempt to gain sales.

302. The OTHER company claimed I was a rip-off of one of their most famous heroes. Well, I never! I am Mark Dent, the Incredible-Man! Also known as Lak-Le from the planet Xenon! I am nothing if not original!

303. I was out on a date with Infectous Lass the other night, might have to change my name to Diarrhetic Lad. Excuse but I need to run...where's the bathroom in this place!!!

304. I cannot intervene. I may only...watch. Mainly from my prison cell after convictions for leching and stalking...

305. The Comics Code Authority forbids the portrayal of supernatural creatures such as myself, and you can't superhero these days without a comic line to leverage your merchandising.

It's all about brand management, donchaknow? Did you think it was a coincidence that the Legion was kickstarted by a man named Brande?

306. Puns went out with TV's Robin. - The Flying Pun

307. I voted Lex

308. I'm not nice to my mother.

309. Ring around the collar.

(I hope I didn't already do that one.)

310. Long-term memory problems.

311. I kept copying the other heroes' moves

312. I demanded adventures with ingenuity, plot and characterisation. The big two dropped me like a stone.

313. I demanded that Ryan Reynolds play me. Except I am nothing like Deadpool...

314. I refuse to reign in the beast.

315. My ability to create cost free energy has resulted in me being hunted by all the government backed super heroes.

316. I fell in love with a super villain

317. I transmuted too much gold and ruined the world economy.

318. The cat was on my lap, and that takes precedence over some nation's emergency.

319. I didn't clear my Internet browser history properly before showing reporters my phone...

320. That pesky Lois revealed my identity and that's when I was grounded under the weight of the lawsuits.

321. I hated playing with kids, kissing babies, petting dogs... and all my fan pictures had me scowling

322. I was all of two feet away when Jimmy turned on his signal watch, ruining my sense of balance forever as my ears and brain turned to mush.

323. I was an even bigger lech than Roy Harper... I tried sleeping with all the heroes and villains of all sexes and genders... not Roy himself though. That was the kicker. He felt left out.

324. Between the beer gut and the moobs, my 'six pack' was more like a 'three pack.'

325. I stubbornly defied convention and wore my underwear *on the inside.* Turns out any sort of convention defying behavior that has Superman on one side and the 'new guy nobody has heard of' on the other automatically defaults to 'Superman wins.'

326. My battle-cry of 'Respect mah authoritah!' turns out to already be trademarked by someone else. A ligitious someone else...

327. I should have cleaned the underwear I decided to wear on the outside.

328. I kept tripping over my cape.

Originally Posted by Invisible Brainiac

323. I was an even bigger lech than Roy Harper... I tried sleeping with all the heroes and villains of all sexes and genders... not Roy himself though. That was the kicker. He felt left out.

OK that really IS worthy of an eighty-six. Poor Roy.

329. Atomic Hairballs are effective, but also really unappetizing to see in action.

330. I have to get Mr Wayne's dinner ready, then I have iron his costume and write to the social services regarding all the kids he keeps adopting...

331. I put all the other heroes' dirty secrets in my memoirs.

But I disguised their identities!!! How could I have ever expected people to guess that Larry Ellen was my alias for the Flash??

332. Once you start flying round the world to change time, it's hard to stop. Everything must be ... perfect.

333. I made a joke about blue moon rocks and everyone took it the wrong way. Heroes sure have filthy minds.

334. I asked Brainy to comment on which UP species are the laziest. It did not go over well...

335. I asked if there was a no skin tight spandex clothing option.

336. It was my turn to do the shopping and I'm the only one who likes the crunchy, unsalted, no-stir peanut butter.

337. When I joined the Legion of Nut Crackers I thought it was because they were tough. How was I to know, when I bought peanut butter, that they existed to eradicate nuts from the world because of their allergies.

338. I cracked a different kind of nuts

339. My golden age sidekicks are thinly veiled racist stereotypes that I did nothing to fight against.

340. I reminded everyone that Dollar Bill got killed because of his stupid cape.

341. I came on Defender for a Day but Dollar Bill said I was ruining his shots with my Blurring the Images power.

342. Teams are full of reformed villains, but they said they were getting too many complaints. - Kid Exorcised

343. I threw out everything in the Complaint Box so I could re-purpose it to hold recipe cards.

344. Super fur shedding turns out not to be a super power, but a condition that requires medical advice.

345. While psychokinetic is just another word for telekinetic, it seems that psychopath is *not* just another word for telepath...

346. Also, pyrokinetic is a superpower and can get you a spot in the Fantastic Four or Legion of Super-Heroes. Pyromaniac, not so much. I even got turned down by the Flash's Rogues Gallery, because Heatwave said the position was filled.

347. I skipped out on the battle with Luthor, et al because the weather was finally cool enough for me to prep compost at home again.

348. Turns out my magical power to make someone succumb to their darkest desires wasn't terribly useful to a superhero.

349. The army of zombies was also, I am told, off-theme. Heroes are so picky...

350. The "HOT NOW" sign was up at Krispy Kreme...

351. Its not considered heroic to leave the cat up the tree while hitting on the old ladies hot granddaughter.

352. After a space disaster horror movie situation, I'd be pulling for the aliens after all that screaming and crying from the humans.

353. Kept trying to capture the aliens, monsters, super-villains, etc. and put them in my extra-dimensional menagerie, insisting that I needed to 'collect them all.'

354. My attempted marketing ploy with playful writing didn't work so well in my uniform's emblem as Krazy Kaptain Kaos

355. I didn't know getting punched hurt that much

356. So hard to find criminals who are willing to resolve disputes with group therapy. Everyone's so angry and confrontational!

357. So hard to find criminals who are willing to resolve disputes with rock, paper, scissors. It's all about the punching and explosions with these people!

Originally Posted by rickshaw1

352. After a space disaster horror movie situation, I'd be pulling for the aliens after all that screaming and crying from the humans.

[tangent] You just described my problem with shows like the Battlestar Galactica reboot, or the Walking Dead. The 'protagonists' are so assy to each other, I end up rooting for the robots/zombies/whatever to just kill them all already! [/tangent]

358. I couldn't be a hero, because of all the drama and hero vs. hero 'choose a side!' infighting. Team villain is where it's at. So much better behaved! Also, generally, less judgmental about costumes and color choices.

359. I asked a lady for a Kiss after saving her. I just wanted a Hershey's but well......

360. Having to repeatedly die and come back made my friends angry since they got tired of all the wakes and funerals then welcome back parties. They said I was doing it for the attention and gifts. [aside] Maybe a little. [/aside]

361. My superpower involved flying. I get airsick.

362. Every single time, that damn mushroom cloud.

363. Listen! You try and grab someone from a burning building! It don't matter where your hands go! You just wanna get them away so you can rescue someone else. Now I got to put up with all these groping allegations...

364. Yes, I have x-ray vision. but I swear I don't use it to peep. Still, one hysterical ninny pitches a hissy fit and...

365. Technically, I did stop the villains... it's just that I destroyed the universe and created another in its place at the same time. - Singularity Lad

366. Eating criminals is apparently frowned upon, as is stomping through Tokyo, knocking over buildings. - Godzilla Lad.

367. "I swear the Bride was waving a hatchett." Absinthe Lad.

368. Allergic to Miraclo.

369. Heroes? Who needs heroes? The Wizarding World has long been at peace since Voldemort the Beneficent destroyed the upstart Harry Potter.

370. Edna Mode said, "No More Capes!" and my super-powers, which were entirely based on my magic cloak, went away. That was some Wanda Maximoff **** right there... - Cape Lad.

371. My seven league boots didn't quite work out so well. My new Identity of "Captain Severe Groin Injury"... didn't really work.

372. I kept asking all the attractive lady villains if they wanted to go "Netflix and chill". I honestly thought it just meant watch some tv. They took exception.

373. My power of having a magnetic personality resulted in concussion after the first bystander flew into me.

374. My obsessive compulsive habit of following orders. Seriously, I was once told to go jump inna Space Lake. It was alcoholic methane clouds. It just...it just wouldn't work.

375. Turns out 'hyperactive thyroid' is a medical condition, not a super-power. - Large Lad.

"Because I can't stop watching The Six Million Dollar Man, no matter what. If I do, Steve sings again.... People will have to save themselves this once" was deemed "unacceptable".

Bastards.

377. Yep that pretty much says it all.
[Linked Image]

378. I didn't want to run around with my bare legs.

379. The Planetary League of Justice already had a Saturn Girl, a Miss Mercury, a Jon Jupiter, a Martian Manhunter, etc. and all that was left was... Uranus Lad. Hard pass.

379. I couldn't get my sidekick IB to run around with his bare legs.

380. Jfposey wouldn't pay for my leg waxing

382. My power phrases "wax on" and "wax off" proved to be problematic with the copyright guys. - Waxman

All the others laughed when the "Sidekick Kid" suggested he be taken more seriously.

384. I got confused between Tighty Whiteys and Tidal Wideys. Poor Florida.

385. I should have realised my power to transform myself into a window meant that I would also have a glass jaw. - Pane Lad (now Pained Lad)

386. I kept throwing people through Pane Lad.

387. I kept getting taken advantage of by the villains. It was if they could see right through me. - Pane Lad

388. One of a kind love affair Man here. Look, she didn't LOOK 82. I thought she was in her mid fifties. Broken hips happen. I thought she said Lambada, not lombago.

389. Was in the greenhouse when I heard the call for help and grabbed what I thought was my Miraclo pill but instead was MiracleGro. Needless to say I grew some very lovely African Violets for the victim when I visit the hospital.

390. My quest for freedom, equality and liberation keeps me mainly chained to the railings of Downing Street. - The Suffragette.

391. Tourette's is not a super-power. - Expletive Lad

392. I'm so rarely in the country now. When they said I was going to be "defender of the realm," I didn't realise it meant renting me out to our "allies" to bomb the crap out of people they didn't like. - Typhoon Lad

393. Being able to operate under a hangover is not a real power, apparently

394. Even the Subs didn't want a guy who could get appliances to work a whole year after they were out of warranty. - The Kettle Whisperer.

395. I insisted on wearing my underwear on the inside.

396. League policy insisted that someone always stay behind and watch for incoming alerts. And with my name... - The Monitor.

397. My powers of "reversal" opperated at the wierdest times. No one likes a flying man to suddenly become super dense and crash through their skylight as they are taking a soak.

398. They seemed happy to admit me for possessing Super Density. Less than happy when they found out it meant I was very bad at arithmetic.

399. People didn't like my slogan. "Look, up in the sky! It's a Bir...(plop) ...shit!"

400. Being able to change beverages with the wave of my hands from say cola to whiskey lead to too many FUIs (Flying Under the Influence).

401. I was so bitingly sarcastic that even my allies broke down in tears.

402. Sponsorship was considered to be a great thing, even back in the early days of super heroes. So, when Coca Cola wanted me to be Cocaine Kid, it seemed like the future was bright.

403. Methane Miss was considered to limited in potential.

404. As Saccharin Lad, I was told I was sweet but my powers were artificial.

405. I was rescuing people from
a burning plane, and I forgot to give them parachutes...

406. Mayo Man and Kumquat Lass were already taken.

407. My mentor told me to use my mathematical magic powers to aid the world in a way their systems would appreciate. - Miss Money Launderer.

408. I didn't know how to prioritize my people-saving. I mean, surely saving a cat from a tree is more important than visiting a child in the hospital?

Originally Posted by Invisible Brainiac

408. I didn't know how to prioritize my people-saving. I mean, surely saving a cat from a tree is more important than visiting a child in the hospital?

I think so

409. It was an election promise! How was I to know that Alec Holland was one with the entire area? - The Swamp Drainer

410. Omniphobia. Just sayin'.

411. After the cancer deaths caused by Radiation Roy, I just turned around at the try outs and went home - Plutonium Pete.

412. Pete was my ride.--Uranium Ulrich

413. I showed up and called myself the Krypton Kid, which seemed to impress people, but when they discovered that all I did was generate the element krypton, they all seemed disappointed in me.

414. I closed my eyes whenever I used my powers, because I was afraid of watching things get hit. Big mistake...

415. Because I've channeled all my living duplicate selves into a very lucrative online scalping biz. Sold a few of my teammates some slightly marked-up tickets online to an Eagles concert and then they found out. [rolleyes] Why does everyone hate free enterprise so much? That elaborate corsetry I only bought to satisfy the sexist, ageist, body-shaming dress code they put into place over my objections... it ain't exactly cheap. (Also, HELLO it's The Eagles and you deserve whatever you get.)

416. I thought part of being a hero, was giving others the opportunity to sacrifice themselves for me. Who knew it didn't work that way?

417. When I defeated Slugman, with chemical compounds and electrical power, I was charged with A Salt and Battery. Screw'em, I'll take my baseball and bat and go somwhere's else!

418. As The Dancer, I lost my left big toe to The Slingshot Kid in a Flamenco danceoff and completely lost my balance.

*Contributed by my son, Sam.

419. I'm never sure if I'm joining a team or leaving it. - The Brexiteer.

420. I aim for the Lowest Common Denominator, then defuse my critics by claiming to do it ironically. - Any random British comics writer born between 1960 and 1971.

421. 'Cor Blimey Gov! Those Jerries would've won if me fish supper powered footy skills hadn't kicked that grenade into their trench! Thanks to the class system for keepin' me in me place: enlistin' an' eatin' fish 'n chips. - Lowest Common Denominator Man (The Victor 1970 Annual)

Originally Posted by thoth lad

421. 'Cor Blimey Gov! Those Jerries would've won if me fish supper powered footy skills hadn't kicked that grenade into their trench! Thanks to the class system for keepin' me in me place: enlistin' an' eatin' fish 'n chips. - Lowest Common Denominator Man (The Victor 1970 Annual)

LOL

422. Me skills at playin' the keys on the Old Joanna made even Chico Marx sound good. The neighbours beat me to a pulp with their brass instruments, they did.

423. "Where There's Muck, There's Brass!" really didn't take off as a catchphrase outside of Yorkshire. - The Brass Monkey

423. I like getting revenge on people who cross me a little too much...

424. I kept getting crossed - Tic Tac Toe Tom

425. I’m the worst coward ever. Turns out, little children, the elderly and the infirm can’t run away from the bad guy if I don’t carry them...

426. My joints have been on fire.

Originally Posted by Kappa Kid

426. My joints have been on fire.

Kappa, is that a coded reference to Dr. Mayavale?

Just kidding, just kidding.

427. My soul is permanently tainted, because of my demonic family elders.

428. Because I was heroic over the course of many lifetimes, and must even out the karmic balance by being completely evil.

Originally Posted by Doctor Mayavale

428. Because I was heroic over the course of many lifetimes, and must even out the karmic balance by being completely evil.

From the pages of Impossible Inc...

429. I made it a new year's resolution to be a hero. So it lasted all of five minutes like everyone else's resolutions.

LOL

You guys are the best!

430. Heroes, bah! They're nothing but apologists for the status quo. And by status quo, of course, I mean crappy guitar bands who should've called it a day long ago. Rock THIS all over the world, you ______!

Originally Posted by Ann Hebistand

430. Heroes, bah! They're nothing but apologists for the status quo. And by status quo, of course, I mean crappy guitar bands who should've called it a day long ago. Rock THIS all over the world, you ______!

I can't believe What You're Proposing. It's like you're Down Down on hearing the Quo Again and Again. I could go Running All Over The World to find a chart expert to show their success. But we've got The Wanderer right here on LW already.

431. My symbiotic costume was supposed to be my foe. And it is. But it wanted to be the good guy.

432. I got bit by a radioactive spider, and all I got was a numb arm and a perpetual drool!

433. I lost my secret decoder ring when I was helpin' birthin' that space calf! *horchpetooiee

434. They said I was too obsessive. But gee, I thought that was a REQUIREMENT for being a hero! Just look at Batman, or the Punisher...

435. Yes, mah pimp han' is strowng! Cuz I'ma pimp. Kinda kills tha hero thang, don't it Claudine?!

436. I auditioned like everyone else... then that mean Simon started laughing at me.. and he was very mean... and I may have accidentally killed them all... but you understand, right?

437. I kept "ZAAAKKKKK"ing off too quickly! -Premature Lazer Man

438. Athlete's Foot (though Superhero Foot would've been okay... if I only knew what that was)

439. I kept procrastinating the whole fighting crime bit. I mean, it's not my fault I can't get out of bed before 8am... I'm not a morning person!

(I was still honoring 420 well after) 440. ... if you get my drift. DoctorMayavale

441. … because my future self came back in time to show me the futility of my crime fighting career.

442. I kept crushing the hands of people asking me for handshakes... stupid super strength...

443. Slipped one mash-thought too many into J'onn J'onzz's mind while he was trying to chair the weekly meetings.

444. I kept tripping on my fabulously long cape.

445. I provided the raw building materials for dozens of houses for the poor, but when they found out my power was to **** bricks.... well....

445½. With little power comes little responsibility.

446. Turns out, having the power to spread STDs by having sex with villains is a power that, well, everyone in the world has... dang...

448. We were so amped before our first time travel trip! We couldn't wait to see our bright shining future. Except that we really do wipe ourselves out over climate change. There didn't seem to be much point after that.

447. I broke the laws of mathematics repeatedly.

448. My amazing powers come from my symbiotic alien costume, which is, embarassingly, not comfortable with crowds and oozes away to hide and leaves me powerless (and naked!) whenever a bunch of people are around...

449. Stan Lee cast me as a villain

450. I was drawn by Rob Liefield. Between the massive hyperthyroid pectoral muscles, the hundreds of tiny pouches everywhere, and the teensy ballerina-like feet, I kept toppling over. *sob* <choke>

451. I was excited to be on the cover, finally! But it turned out to be one of those 'One of these heroes dies!' covers, and the other people were more popular...

452. Times move on... - Telegraph Kid

I snapped at all the little kids who asked me stupid questions.

"Well duh I have a secret identity, what kind of moron names their kid "Invisible Brainiac", huh, CAPTAIN? Oh yeah, YOUR parents!""

454. Um I'm not stepping in front of a bullet or a superpowered punch... it hurts!

455. I didn't follow the rules for posting in the thread.

456. The said I had "inappropriate" relationships with Death Damsel, Ladykiller, and Gertrude Getz. Define "inappropriate"...they're badgals.

457. Well, it's not my fault I gain my powers from snorting coke...

458. Tough to be super strong and have an atomic smash punch with bursitis.

459. I was more concerned with my costume not ripping, than with protecting innocents... I mean, one has to look good! Do you know how quickly a bad outfit gets thrashed on Instagram??

460. Garrotted the artist with the thong they were going to get me to wear as a costume.

461. Started indulging in sweets and stopped being able to fit into my skintight sexy costume

462. Out of the blue, I'm the subject of a drugs issue. I'd rather quit than have to go through it every time there's a reboot. Which is every fortnight.

463. I accidentally hit my Battle Beagle with a Battle Bagel. Bummed.

464. I refused to let my ethnicity be changed.

465. I charge the guilty for the bullets.

466. My history in porn came out and the Comics Code banned my book.

467. I think they were expecting the Blue Yeti to be 8ft tall, clawed and ferocious, rather than someone who pleasantly sets off ASMR triggers.

468. I was too busy correcting numbering errors to get any crimefighting done ;-)

469. I was used as a Dial H hero once in the 1980s.

470. I kept trying to have sex with all the other heroes. But I don't get it, one of my powers is super-libido!

471. Just too darn ornery.

472. Apparently it's a very very very bad idea to drink on the job, especially when the job involves saving fragile innocents from danger...

473. Apparently it's also a very very very bad idea to drink on the job, especially when you're a vampire. What? They were already bleeding when I got there!

474. Well, duh...I'm Evil.

475. I kept calling in sick

476. Beet Smoothies.

474. Inability to multi-task. So yeah, I can't save more than one civilian at a time...

478. I'd invite bystanders to pretend to be injured so they could hire me in my civilian ambulance chaser ID.

479. I kept retconning the list counts by ignoring previous entries.

480. I just didn't care enough.

481. People still recognize me when I wear spectacles

482. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack got caught anyway stealing the masterplans for the cosmic Nair bomb out the vault to sell on the underground hair market. Durlans were tired of everyone else flaunting their locks. Jack needed money for klordny week...and he was going bald anyway...

483. Turned up for my Post-Flashpoint team audition, only to find out it was now on a Post-Doomsday Clock Earth instead.

484. Spandex costume kept getting torn when I tried to put it on.

485. Called Evil Eve "Bazooka Betty" after the fifties themed party. Bazooka Betty was fine with it, but Gretchen Garters had a problem with it for some reason.

486. Kept hitting on the civilians I was saving...

487. The team said I didn't have enough social media followers to join.

488. Kept delegating stuff to the new heroes. How was I to know that Noodle-Armed Nick couldn't hold up a collapsing bridge by himself????

489. An Image artist took over my book, and I just wasn't prepared take the amount of steroids necessary to look that way.

Originally Posted by thoth lad

489. An Image artist took over my book, and I just wasn't prepared take the amount of steroids necessary to look that way.

490. Rob Liefield was drawing me, and I overbalancing because of my ginormous barrel chest and my tiny little ballerina feet.

491. Ditto, only I spent half of every combat trying to figure out which of my twenty-seven pouches had my spare ammo...

492. And I got tired of going to the dentist three times a week to keep my teeth shiny and white for all those panels I spend in the dark, with only my shiny teeth and eyes illuminated...

493. The contact lenses I had to wear for that also got kept drying my eyes up...

494. Giffen took over my book. No-one could tell if I was a hero or not in all the shadow. Sometimes, they'd call the cops due to the grunting noises they heard from the shadows. I was fighting crooks in there, honest I was!

495. Did not agree to sign away the rights to my unique identity so Marvel could create an army of clones of me

496. Born a mutant...lost in the scorecard of X-Men rotating through the rack-full of titles.

497. My fantastic powers only worked on my homeworld, which I did not know until I left to tryout for the Legion. And now I can't find my way back...

498. Auditioned for one of those Japanese video games like Final Fantasy, but Í did not look androgynous enough and I could not pull off the broody look...

499. Overtime at work prevents me dressing up to fight crime.

500. All the superhero teams turned me away for being too ornery.

501. Turned away for being too orrery - System Lad

502. Turned away because no one could figure out which hero I was an analog of.

503. Turns out I was just one of Luornu's extra bodies. But what dreams I had for the precious moments I lived...

504. Could NOT fight crime before 10.30am.... I need my coffee, darn it!

505. Could not fight crime after 10.30am due to caffeine crash. - Expresso Lad

506. Spent so much time in the gym, but all the training was for cosmetic purposes... I like to look good... but I neglected my stamina and fighting training...

still, even when I'm sprawled unconscious on the ground, I look great!

507. I kicked Guy Gardner in the cojones. Then I started singing that song from the first Sundays album, "I Kicked a Boy."

508. Turns out collecting ears from your fallen foes is less of a 'superhero' trait and more of a 'serial killer' one...

Well, he's definitely not a man, man. At least, not during the old JLI days

508. I wanted to be the only Green Lantern in the Corps... which didn't help because I could not cover the whole galaxy myself... so then I tried to steal Duplicate Damsel's powers... but Bouncing Boy painted himself in yellow and squished me.... so yeah...

509. My 'green' power ring didn't do what I thought it did, and vomiting acid blood isn't terribly heroic... - a colorblind person

510. I kept mis-counting the lists and confusing everybody

511. My mutant power to screw up the math centers of people's brains was 1) not terribly effective in combat, 2) also affected my teammates and 4) also afflicts me... - Innumeracy Lad.

512. My power to make any fruit ripe failed me, causing my team innumerable painful stomach-aches... - Fruit Boy

513. Still stubbornly passing out Green Party literature at all the get-togethers. I gotta' be me.

514. My catch phrase of 'That fruit is RIPE!' turned out to be inappropriate (or perhaps too appropriate?) for certain situations. - Fruit Boy

515. Wasn't sleeping enough, and therefore wasn't being all bright and shiny to the crowds...

516. Brought that "Ban Multiverses!" petition into the breakroom one time too many.

517. Wasted too much time before every battle trying to put my underwear on the outside... never could figure it out...

518. Wore everybody elses underwear on the outside. On the upside, I can now wallpaper my wall with restraining orders...

519. Wore everybody’s underwear on the inside... I always thought it was hygienic...

520. Using baby deer to bait Sewer Gator Guy was considered not very nice.

521. Talked with my fists too many times, even during interviews...

522. Too busy playing Fortnite on the giant Mission Monitor Board to be able to see the Trouble Alerts... So, yeah, sorry about those puppies in that fire, but I got high score!

623. Kept using the HQ computer to buy deals on shopping sites and to send money to Nigerian princes... how was I to know that I would expose the team bank account to fraud and wipe us out completely?!

524. Hit on Lois in front of Clark.

525. I didn't practice social distancing, and infected the entire Titans team...

526. I don't like people.

527. After my battle with Thermonuke went wrong, there's no one left on Earth to be a hero to.

528. I kept stealing others' battle quips, without giving them credit. Who knew Spider-Man and Wildfire could be so prickly about that...

529. Turns out 'Parody law' doesn't prevent Namor and Ben Grimm from teaming up to kick your butt if you try to popularize your 'new' catchphrases of 'Imperius Sex!' and 'It's Slobbering Time!'

530. Once Luther explained how a world without superpowers would push humanity forward, I sort of agreed with him.

531. I kept crying every time I got injured. Not good for super-villain battles...

532. I kept raising Lucille ball from the dead for the funny. Turns out, that's frowned upon.

533. My Time Freeze powers applied to the villains...but not to the Earth they stood on, resulting in them being left behind to die in a frozen vacuum.

534. I kept drunk-driving the Legion cruiser and ramming it into mining asteroids.

535. Hero's don't shoot badguys in the head because they irritate them.

536. Heroes don't punch officers of the law, government agents or civilians simply for irritating them either...

537. I had to throw something at the missile to disrupt its flight control, and the small orphan was the closest thing to hand.

538. My power is turning people into animals... and usually, the civilians and hostages are the only ones nearby whom I can use to attack the super-villain...

539. Bone spurs

540. I kept retching at the sight of violence.

541. Well, I'm a psychotic killer. They don't like that.

542. I didn't file my tax returns properly

they said it was a public relations disaster

543. They agreed I *was* a hero, it's just that Guitar Hero wasn't what they were looking for.

544. I turned myself into a hero to join... and someone took a bite of me. And they had the nerve to complain I didn't put enough cheese!

545. My thrilling Golden Age adventures are now considered to be war crimes.

546. Some people started a petitioning saying I was a racist caricature.

547. I received no guarantee from those I protect, that they wouldn't form a mob and pull down my statue at a later date.

548. I kept texting while flying. I've damaged four airplanes and two helicopters now...

549. Underwater Man here. Look, I have a problem. Too many Diving Under the Influence charges.

550. My containment suit got breached and I blew up all over the people I was supposed to be saving. - Antimatterman.

551. My super-power to enmire my enemies in sticky sebaceous secretions was deemed 'gross and unhygenic.' - Pustule Pete.

552. I couldn't get within six feet of a villain to make an arrest... - The Social Distance Avenger.

553. I tried to defraud the government for vouchers

554. Public backlash - Doctor Disco

555. I wasn't "woke" enough. I used "Oriental" instead of "Asian".

556. My time travel powers meant that I was never sure of which bandwagon to jump on, in the eras I arrived in to be a hero.

557. I would give fleeing civilians sarcastic instructions... who knew that panicking people couldn't tell the difference?

558. My grim, spiked '90s Image costume, resulted in civilians siding with the villain.

559. I took candy from a baby

560. I tried being "Emissions Man" but everyone just referred to me as "Gassy Guy".

561. I didn't want to pay my taxes.

562. Because I'm liking people less and less.

563. I made too many typos on my Letter to the Public.

564. No "plus size" leotards left at the store.

565. I got a super team try out on the back of me being the champion of a country. When they found out that my country seceded from the actual country last week, and went from my house to the pub...

566. I saved the beautiful dragon from the fire-breathing princess. Was that wrong?

567. That wasn't Rapunzel! That was Spider Girl! Of course she's in a sens tank on Takron Galtos!

568. I didn't sort my garbage.

569. I wouldn't STFU about my Bitcoin gains. No one likes a braggart.

570. I wouldn't shut up about my gym gains. Everybody else is just jealous that I don't need the cellular trim ray!

571. Got caught via someone's phone yelling, "Go to bed, Old Man!!" and when the Twitter brigade demanded that I to clarify whether I meant the current Prez or the next one, I said, "Both."

572.... and I wouldn't apologize even when I was being shamed on social media

573. Corns.

574. Warts in the worst places.

575. Bad hair day. Can't go out today. Maybe tomorrow, if you still need saving?

576. Apparently, picking one's nose in public is not heroic at all...

577. My mommy said that it was too rough and dangerous for me.

578. I was too shy to walk around with my underwear outside my pants.

579. I had a run in my tights, er, I mean supersuit and I only just washed my fishnets and they were still drying.

580. I kept plagiarizing the other heroes' speeches...

581. Evilynne was hot, and...well.....

582. I let myself go. Turns out, spandex is INCREDIBLY revealing... and they just don't take you seriously when your belly rolls jiggle while you tell them to surrender

583. Participated in a hot pursuit through the Space Macy's Parade. 738 injured and counting....

584. The rest of the team discovered my OnlyFans site and kicked me out... Yeesh, I mean, I spend all this time keeping fit, might as well use it to get extra bucks...

585. Repeated refusal to show up for crossovers and big events. I deserve a day off now and then and besides, they suck.

586. As soon as I spoke out against the evils in the world, all my sponsors threatened to dump me, under pressure form the governments I was speaking about.

567. Said that cutting the crusts off the tea sandwiches is silly if you're just going to throw them away. At least put them out for the crows and pigeons, you snobby snobs!

568. Made a political statement against (country X), resulting in country threatening to quit all the international organizations it is a member of unless I resigned...

569. I got mad at the injunctions against bird feeders and bird baths on the lawn.

(Oh, wait. That was why I couldn't live in a condominium. Never mind.)

570. I started a campaign asking all the heroes to PLEASE stop wearing spandex, it is giving children the wrong ideas and promoting unhealthy body images and causing unnecessary stress to the poor non-heroic civilians who just want to let themselves go a little! Society's unattainable standards of attraction MUST STOP!

571. All the other clawed (yet baffling considered to be heroic) psychopaths felt that me serving cocktail snacks and mini kebabs on my claws demeaned them.

572. I kept passing around Cosmo quizzes during the weekly meetings.

573. I kept spamming them with Buzzfeed quizzes, such as "We know whether you wear a cape based on the last 5 Starbucks drinks you ordered!"

574. Couldn't cut the ribbon properly at the children's hospital opening because they didn't have any left-handed scissors.

575. Boithday cake made my tum too big for the meanie merchandising department to renew my contract.

575. Couldn't fight crime before 10am unless I had like 5 cups of coffee, which made my laser blasts go all spastic.

577. Wouldn't sign the release allowing them to wipe my mind whenever I left the future to return home. Creeeeepyyyyy.

578. Wouldn't sign the release allowing a microscopic teammate to implant cell-destroying substances in my nasal cavity

579. My vulnerability to marshmallow fluff was considered too silly, said the guy who was weakened by wood back in the 20th century when we tried to team up.

580. My power to turn my foes into Fluffernutters was also considered too silly.

Though it has made me popular with the Kindergarten set.

581. My powers are based on fearlessness... but I lost them when I was too scared to put "fluffernutters" into a search engine, fearing I would be taken away by the authorities.

581. My power to eat as many Fluffernutters as I wanted, without gaining weight, was deemed more suitable for a modeling career.

583. My trusty raptor sidekick got caught, er... spotting on the statue of the Mayor's war hero ancestor one time too many.

The team said I had a choice to make: them or her.

I'm sure gonna' miss them.

584. As someone who constantly lives by my packed agenda, I just could not deal with throwing away my schedule to rush to the latest emergency.

585. Being Kite Kid meant I was only available on days with a breeze and if someone could hold onto my string.

586. My tiny bladder meant I had to keep ducking out of fights to go pee

587. Just felt like a complete jackass fighting other heroes over absurd misunderstandings during first-time meetings. I know it drums up sales, but... Nah.

Originally Posted by Jfposey

585. Being Kite Kid meant I was only available on days with a breeze and if someone could hold onto my string.

588. I thought 'hold my string' was a euphemism. So, I both failed a teammate who flew off to never be seen again *and* I can no longer be within 200 yards of a school...

589. Got just as much adoration from the public by starting one of those YouTube stray animal rehab channels. Plus, I don't have to dress up or get hit in the face anymore.

590. I got confused about my dates and showed up for a foam party on tryout day.

591. I insisted on wearing spandex despite developing a potbelly

592. Paradoxically, it's much harder to practice proper hand-washing procedures when you have to deal with those damn gloves all the time.

593. I kept talking about my secret identity, which is apparently more interesting than my superhero one. In my civilian guise, I've already gotten three book deals, dozes of speaking offers and am going to be casted in a remake of Gladiator...

594. Denied health insurance, and there's no way I'm going up against The Annihilator without it.

595. "Jelly rolls?", they cried! Who doesn't like jelly rolls! These people are nuts if they think for a hot minute that we might not to need to stop a battle for jelly rolls!

596. My wife and I argue all the time about having kids. She'll just think I'm facing The Cosmic Castrator to prove a point.

597. Being an imaginary superhero friend is time consuming, fighting balloon people from Planet Helium, etc. But when I tried to go into the "real" world to do "real" battles of "real" villains and bad guys I found out I was really just a figment of your...*

598. Next time they say call all the heroes to fight The Maw at the dawn of time, maybe leave the leads of the romance stories out of it?

599. I wanted to try something different with the costumes, but as I was hot gluing my cape to my wrists for dramatic flair I accidently set up a huge glitter bomb in the Hall of Starkness.

600. They awarded the franchise to be the city's hero, to the guy with the corporate sponsorship.

601. I got told that I was no longer authorized to use my theme song for my dramatic moments due to copyright laws.

602. I kept leaking gossip about the other heroes to the tabloids.

603. As a prank, I put itching powder in all the other heroes uniforms.

604. Faked a world emergency so the team would rush off, and I'd get the clubhouse to myself for a night.

605. Replaced the protein powder with laxatives. Hah, serves all my teammates right for being such physically fit jerks!

- Bouncing Boy

606. Having the specific power of being obtuse, the others just gave up on me.

607. Called the other heroes cheap chislers for constantly "forgetting" to tip the delivery sentient.

608. We weren't getting enough good press, so I sorta gathered some two-bit hoods for us to heroically curbstomp and anonymously contacted the media so that they could show up just in time to film us... getting our asses kicked by those 'two-bit hoods.' Oops.

609. Nobody thought my using fabric softener sheets as a weapon was useful for a group who all got their powers from static cling.

610. Brought back the 1930s Superman tradition of hurling oligarchs off the tops of tall buildings.

611. Had to keep stopping mid-flight for toilet breaks. Dang my tiny bladder!

612. Severed ties with a president of my own country while happily accepting endorsements and promotions form countries with appalling human, womens and LGBTQ rights records.

613. I had the wrong date in my calendar for the tryouts and missed the opportunity to show them how I can make tapioca pudding answer my call to battle.

>choke< That Tapioca Teen... could have been one of us!

614. My deity given powers didn't happen to be from the predominant deity in the area I was trying to protect. I was labelled Heretic Lad and exiled.

615. My deity granted powers stopped working when it was conclusively proven to me that there never was an ancient Egyptian god of Mexican Wrestling...

616. I wanted to go through a Mod phase.

617. I was born under a wandering star, so it would take 923 light years just to get to legion headquarters.

618. Kept dropping things clumsily while flying. Last time I nearly killed my city's mayor while flying overhead and dropping my backpack...

619. My secret city HQ was in a highly sought after area of the city, so I sold it to property developers.

620. My all seeing eye is located in my belly button so when they said I would have to wear a onesie that would cover it, I realized I would be "Third Eye Blind".

621. I wasn't allowed to wear political statements on my costume. Bandwagon jumping political statements were fine though.

622. As the last living descendant of the Knights Who Say "Ni!", I found that my teammates would not stop saying that accursed word and went back to tending to my shrubberies.

623. It turned out that fast fists and a domino mask wasn't enough to break the will of the third reich. Some parachute training would have helped too.

624. I didn't vote to impeach

625. My ability to animate snow and ice turned out to not be that useful in southern California...

626. I never smiled. Great for fighting villains, not so great for photoshoots and meet-and-greets and kissing babies...

627. The abilities to cause bobby soxers to faint while I crooned was not very useful on the frontlines, but I did win six Grammies and have three platinum records for Decca Records.

628. I spent too much time doing my hair and makeup and choosing my costume before actually racing to emergencies.

629. I smiled too much and my Earth-424242 was stuck in the 90s grim and gritty heroes so everyone just wondered what I was up to. (Also my chest wasn't twice the size of a normal humans.)

630. Dandruff.

631. The underwear outside my suit kept riding up into places it shouldn't

632. I didn't have a tragic back story, the worse thing that ever happened to me was my best friend who lived next door moved...to one street over.

633. My origin story / power source was deemed to set a bad example. I mean, Captain America got his power from steroids, and why does Spider-Man get to be the only one to have a special relationship with Mary-Jane? - Captain Spliff

634. The fans didn't appreciate me charging for photos and autographs.

635. My superhero name never caught on. What's wrong with That Guy?

Originally Posted by Jfposey

635. My superhero name never caught on. What's wrong with That Guy?

Certainly no worse than Strong Guy.

636. I wasn't enough of a humorless warrior woman to people still stuck in Claremont-land.

637. I asked why the poor have no food and they called me a Communist.

638. I kept feeding the trolls by getting into flame wars online

639. I would bring those 5 lb. bags of potatoes or turnips to H.Q. every time it was my turn to do the shopping.

640. The team refused my access after they found out I was stealing their socks for private fetish parties.

641. Nobody appreciated me seducing them on hidden camera... come on, it was just a joke...

- OnlyFans Lad

642. I was brought in from my feral colony but I couldn't learn paper training and ruined all the potted plants in the lobby.

643. Psoriasis

644. I refused to call soda anything but tonic but Tonic Kid found that offensive, so now I am his sworn enemy.

645. My power to generate objects and structures of bone grown from my own constantly-regenerating-skeleton was deemed 'gross' and 'unsanitary.'

- Osteolad

646. I had to act like that,

I'd always chase the cat

-- Atomic Dog

646. I really don't get it... Infectious Lass has a cult following, with her becoming a Legionnaire 5YL and in tons of fanfic by talented writers! Why not me, too?!?!?! - Sexually-Infectious Lad

647. The other heroes turned on me, before I could end their careers with my powers - Cure Criminal Tendencies Lass

648. I was tied up with other responsibilities while visiting Lad Boy -- Massage Lad

649. I altered the crime statistics to make myself look more effective. - Massage-The-Figures Lad.

650. To build trust within the team, I held a no-mask event... media and social media backlash was swift... but come on, EVERYONE was protected by the Green Lantern's rings screening out the virus...

651. ... which I should also not have mentioned, as now everyone is asking WHY we didn't just let the Green Lanterns cleanse the virus from the global atmosphere...

652. I was really only a hero because of my mask fetish, and, really, I can get that anywhere these days...

653. I could read minds, but only if my ***** was in someone's **********...

654. I really hated to deploy my almond croissant-a-rangs! All their buttery goodness and gooey interior was just too much for me.

655. I insisted on using almond butter and soy milk only, not real butter or cow's milk. Who knew the other super heroes would be so picky?

268. After the last couple of election cycles, my give a damn got up and left. I'd probably rescue some innocents, but I'd smoke a stogie if the galactic capital went up in flames.

270. Numbers kept getting skipped, and as the newcomer I always got blamed. It was tiring.

Returning to my former career of painting dead stars of Easy Listening on black velvet.

271. I kept reading the comments online, which caused a nervous breakdown.

272. Frequent bathroom breaks from diabetes 2. They didn't like me using superpee to cut the badguys equipment in half.

273. Leg cramps

274. The spandex kept riding up.

27...er...5? Other members were a bit freaked out when they turned on a light and I would scurry away or would be up on the kitchen counters or inside cabinet drawers. Roach Kid

276. I DON'T DO SPANDEX.

Originally Posted by Jfposey

27...er...5? Other members were a bit freaked out when they turned on a light and I would scurry away or would be up on the kitchen counters or inside cabinet drawers. Roach Kid

277. I committed cockroach genocide on Roach Kid's people

278. The kitchen and the yard are both a total shambles, and something has to be done.

279. I didn't even have enough willpower to stop myself from eating that last cookie...

280. Hi! My name is Restart Kid and I am here to show your my powers...

1. Hi! My name is Restart Kid and I am here to show your my powers...

281. I kept rebooting the team to back when it had the members I remembered from my childhood... - Nostalgia Lad (also reboots lists, available for parties!)

282. I had something in my teeth.

283. I kept forgetting my keys at home. I'm sorry, but locksmiths are EXPENSIVE, and I can't afford being a superhero anymore...

284. Athletes foot

285. I caved and ate all the cookies.

286. Posing for 10 variant covers a month is so tiring. Plus thanks to my bad legal representation I never got properly compensated for them, either.

287. Joining six different teams because they needed my popularity power, was getting too exhausting. Like seriously, I'm now a member of the Justice Alliance Earth, the Terrific Teen Team, the Y-People, the Secret Squad, the Prudent Posse AND the Revengers!

And even the Battalion of Super-Plants and the Space Cowboy Rodeo Clowns want me to join! I don't even know how to ride a space-horse!

288. Kept posting my Jimmy Olson fanfic in the breakroom.

289. I kept letting the evil overlord (overlady?) get away because she saved my life once!

290. Slipped disc

291. Tripped over my own cape

292. I kept throwing out all the unlabeled stuff in the team refrigerator. I thought I was being tidy. Turns out that those Chimorta eggs needed to be kept cool for a reason...

293. I kept getting told that I needed to show up at least to one battle, but I am Holiday Kid and everyday is a holiday and therefore a day off for me.

294. They found my Twitter account.

No you can't have any details. I'm gonna' go lie down for about six months.

295. My teeth were too bad, meaning I couldn't smile for the photos...

296. I lived to ruin the sleep cycles of the other heroes by strictly enforcing the savings of daylight ritual I found rather quaint from the distant past.

297. I didn't want to break the covid restrictions in my area/

298. I gained too much weight during COVID, and just could not find the motivation to get fit again.

299. Conflicting messages over when to enforce covid laws became a massive headache.

300. I could not stop making political tweets.

301. I'm boycotting the hero teams, until they nominate me for membership.

288. Friend, foe, doesn't matter. I manage to tick off everyone.

303. I messed up the counting on all the monitor board lists

304. I can only watch, and never intervene!

305. I was trying to be responsible and socially distancing myself while fighting crime, and it wasn't working out. - the Pugilist

306. I was going out offering free hand sanitizer to people... but I accidentally filled my spray bottle with toilet cleaner...

307. As Protector of the Sewers, I save people from deadly sewage related viruses. I carry industrial cleaners for my job. How it all got replaced by lavender hand sanitiser, remains a mystery.

308. I forgot my face mask, and infected an entire school - The Belcher

309. I'm allergic to lavender.

310. I hate taking calls.. except the mayor would also call me for emergencies...

311. I had all the powers and personality. But being a superhero in the 1500s, meant that by the time the carrier pigeon reached me about the emergency, it was too late to do anything about it.

312. The Catholic Church wouldn't bless me as I kept engaging in sinful acts - The Gay Ghost

313. I made everyone wear green on St. Patrick's day and Blue Beetle, Red Tornado and Black Canary filed a complaint of discrimination against me stating I was a colorist! Well color me pink!

314. I was playing super-frisbee with Krypto and Ace the Bat-Hound, and ended up wrecking the Hall of Justice...

315. I brought my bug collection to add to the Hall of Trophies, I didn't know I had not secured Killer Moth, Ambush Bug, the Beetle, Black Widow and Spider-Man onto the display well enough and a huge batte began and destroyed all of the trophies.

316. Hay fever.

317. I haven't had my COVID shot yet.

318. My dog needed a walkies.

319. I kept sarcastically replying to people asking for help.

"Oh, your cat is stuck in a tree? Oh that poor thing, everyone KNOWS cats can't climb! Why, some super villain must have put her up there!"

320. Sprained ankle.

321. I refuse to wear a face mask... I refuse to deprive the public of my stunning good looks!

322. Got a nose job, and now my protective visor/face mask won't stay up in battle!

333. I just paid for these sunglasses! I can't afford to have these broken at 200 a pop, without the prescription!

334. In my new identity as Anarchy April, I doubt I'm gonna' get along with our funders at the Stark and Wayne Foundations.

335. I kept hogging the blankets. Don't believe the scout boys and girls when they say they're just gonna borrow them to put out the campfires...

336. Kept playing the legendary "Hot Pockets" monologue over and over in the break room at lunchtime.

337. Cause there's nothing going on but the rent...

337. Spent the entire time I was with the team trying to prove if buttered toast will fall butter side up or down. The data entry tied up the mainframe cutting off the crime alerts.

338. Used the database of villain victims to try to find a date...

339. Kept changing our battlecry to incorporate the latest word on my word-of-the-day calender. - Calender Man

Edit:
340. Also, am a villain, and showed up to the wrong thread clubhouse.

341. I drank too much wine and fell flat on my face while flying

342. I put tinfoil in the microwave and turned it on for five minutes.

656. Just when everyone was getting used to the current continuity, I reset to a legacy number version ... again.

657. Instead of teaming up with my alternate selves to fight crime, or fighting them to the death, I invited them over for Netflix and Chill. My boyfriend at least, was very happy.

658. My fan art of Ibby's new multiverse polycule made me so much in commissions that I didn't have to work away from home anymore.

659. I expanded our polycule by finding two alternate selves of my boyfriend. We pretty much never leave the house at this point

660. My other major commercial venture: hiring those artisans who do dollhouse-scaled cooking videos on YouTube to come to work as professional chefs on Imsk, has also been very successful. In fact, I hired away several other heroes looking for career change to help me keep up with paperwork, Customs, transport, and the like.

661. I refused to use translation technology to speak to the public on missions. Turns out the Tagalog word for "run this way!" sounds terribly like the Interlac pronunciation for "make yourself a bigger target"...

662. All the good battle cries were already copyrighted by someone else.

663. I kept slacking off during training.

664. Garlic breath.

665. I just got my nails done.

666. SATAN!!!!

667. I just paid my taxes.

668. Kept getting distracted by my phone

669. Too busy with the hot sauce in my bag.

Swag.

670. "For some reason once they heard my codename, they rescinded their invitation to me." an excerpt from the diary of Redundancy Lad

671. I kept hitting on the people I rescued...

672. I kept lecturing the people I rescued on how they needed to take responsibility for their own situations and stop waiting around all helpless for someone to come save them. - Self Reliance Lad

673. I kept shaming my victims online.

674. My new tell all book while being a best seller was exactly how I violated the NDA.

IB!!! STAHP!!! I keep seeing you hitting and cyber bullying people in the hospital and I can't stop laughing!

675. I would not stop singing "Baby Shark" while in the transports to our missions.

676. I told my creative team du jour that their run had jumped the shark.

677. The Brood X Cicadas are finally here.

678. Speaking of broods, I got a bit part as one of the demonic fetal elves in that Cronenberg remake, and when I asked for a month off, I got fired.

Heroes are such a bunch of buttoned-down spoilsports. Especially Canadian heroes.

--Lady Puck

679. Speaking of the Brood, I got myself infected by the Brood Queen. So yeah, I'm gonna have to stay away for a bit...

680. So I thought my talent of being the Bug Bomb would help with a Brood infestation of the teams, but I ran into issues with Blue Beetle, Red Bee, Black Widow, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, Ant-Man, Wasp, Yellowjacket, etc.

681. I kept fat-shaming the other heroes.

681. I was booted off the team, and am no longer allowed within 600 ft. of Charlize Theron. It was all a big misunderstanding! C'mon, if you had tracking powers and could fly anywhere on Earth in a couple of minutes, wouldn't you keep up with your favorite celebrities? - Dawnstar Boy

683. I kept tracking mud onto the meeting room carpet.

684. Someone keep wiping their muddy feet all over me. - Dennis the Carpet

685. Someone saw me kicking a kitten.

I kept biting the feet that kicked me. - Kitten Kong

687. Kept using people's post boxes as litter boxes - Kitten Kong

Originally Posted by cleome54

646. I had to act like that,

I'd always chase the cat

-- Atomic Dog

688. I'm too klutzy, kept dropping things I was carrying.... cars, trucks, innocent bystanders, large blocks of concrete...

689. I dropped the Himalayan Salt Block on my feet.

690. I showed too much flesh. Even the people calling for male/female equality in wearing unrealistic bare-all costumes complained that my outfit was too skimpy!

691. This coffee is terrible.

692. I kept scratching my crotch in public. but those spandex undies are itchy...

693. Pretended I couldn't keep my powers under a red sun, so I could skip this week's mission and go to some estate sales instead.

694. Got into Internet flame wars while manning the mission monitor board

695. I gifted everyone a new pair of Spandex undies that I procured at an estate sale while I was supposed to be on a mission to a system with a red sun.

696. I started an OnlyFans... didn't realize my videos would be leaked!

697. I got distracted reading the comic chronicles of our team's adventures and missed the actual adventure!

698. Disco Fever (& the team already has Dazzler on speed dial)

699. Cabin fever

700. Can't remember

701. Got distracted after my workout, and ended up handing the diamonds to one of the bad guys, whacking the chief of police on the head, and taking a selfie instead of taking a photo of the crime scene.

702. Bought some cool gems online for my Mom's birthday, and only found out later that they were "hot."

703. Tried to get the other members in a pyramid scheme to sell hot gems from Mercury not have read the no soliciting clause. But they sure do sparkle with that inner fire in their facets.

704. Turns out 'trophies from our missions' are not meant to include Mercurian fire emeralds that the crooks stole and we were supposed to return...

How was I supposed to know? Batdude and Superguy have caves/fortresses full of 'trophies!'

705. I took a page from Simon Cowell and told aspiring super-heroes bluntly that they were not cut out for super-heroing. Turns out I was being realistic but mean...

706. Warned everyone about pestering me regarding my refusal to bleach my mustache. Then I waited until they were all asleep and drew mustaches on *them* .

Now you can just call me, "Ms. Sinestro."

707. Gave several very public interviews telling the public all sorts of secrets about my super-heroic teammates and how they were chauvinistic, mean, and made several daily micro-aggressions

708. Borrowed Wonder Woman's robot plane to pick up dinner without asking permission first.

709. Kept complaining it was too hot, and stripping out of my already-skimpy superhero outfit.

710. Was caught practicing my evil sneer and laugh in the Hall of Mirrors.

711. Parked the invisible jet, uh, somewhere around here, I'm sure... I'll be back once I find it.

712. Scratched the invisible jet, the Batmobile, the Arrowmobile, and crashed into Comet the Super-Horse all in one afternoon.

713. Told everyone my pet hamster had super powers. He can stuff crazy amounts of food into his cheeks. People laughed at me and my hamster. He got mad and stuffed them into his cheeks. I got them out, but I still haven't found Plastic Man.

714. Endorsed a presidential candidate, got vilified by other heroes and the general public

715. Got Cheetos dust all over the place. Stained uniforms. Ruined documents. But they are so darn good!!!!

716. Got the stuffy by-the-book leader voted off the island. Was unanimously voted the new leader. Wanted none of that boring responsibility and shirked my new duties. Now Stuffy is back in charge and I'm on the outs... - Charisma Lad.

717. Drank too much wine... again... lesson learned, villains don't take your boastful pronunciations seriously when you're slurring your speech...

718. Broke a heel.

(But enough about Earth Man.)

[blows kiss]

heehee, that was clever, cleome. And he is indeed a heel.

719. My running commentary while livestreaming my rescue operations was deemed too insensitive and disrespectful of victims' privacy

720. They were all out of previously-unused Lantern colors, apart from Beige and Puce.

721. When the police chief said to throw a book at the criminals, I threw real books at them...

722. My picking up things as souvenirs of the battles was frowned on by law enforcement. Just a few baubles left over from a jewelry heist, a piece of painted cloth from an art theft, etc. It's all quite innocent really.

723. My power of super-farting was not only gross, it was dangerous... as evidenced by the flying billboards and cows...

330. On Hero Appreciation Day, I gave everyone gift baskets with bottles of Beano in them. I mean, better safe than sorry, right?

331. I didn't crave for adventure, I just literally wanted to get through my regular working day in peace! Those reports and timesheets won't file themselves you know!

332. Cat hid the nostril-hair clippers again. I can't go out like this!

333. I literally can't with these people.

334. The other heroes were envious of my ability to keep trim and fit without dieting or exercising... Metabolism Lad

335. I'm a sadist. I beat the eggs and whip the cream.

336. When questioning villains, I threatened them with mice, garlic, feathers and vinegar. They broke down so completely that... yeah. Arkham is full now.

337. Got sued into financial oblivion for accidentally copying a more influential hero's costume design.

(Now couch-surfing with various villains and keeping house for them, because I hate camping outside. Always have.)

338. Kept playing Buzzfeed Quizzes and reading Wikipedia articles while on Monitor Board duty...

339. Ice cream headache

340. I stopped fighting crime to focus on wellness. All that stress! I can't even read a book or take a bath without getting interrupted. And all that flying around at high speed in the day is wreaking havoc on my skin!

341. Bad credit, and it'll be six-and-a-half more years before I can legally declare Bankruptcy again.

342. Used my powers to get back at everyone who flirted with my super-boyfriend... ugh those tramps!

343. Found out the real identity of the jerkbag editor who had my best friend "fridged" because he thought it'd add some excitement to her dull super-boyfriend's dull life. Then I put said editor into an actual fridge and threw it into the sea.

344. Started a movement against my fellow resurrected heroes... and people said I was just envious!

345.

Six Seven Eight
Lay them straight
Nine Ten
I'm

again

347. Long, unexplained absences

348. Couldn't figure out if my powers were light-based, lightning-based, or anti-gravity.

349. People were offended when I said my preferred pronouns are I, Me, My, Mine, and Myself.

350. Trapped in the Negative Fandom Zone

351. On hiatus.

352. Too busy helping the others place bets on all three rounds of Duolingo Owl vs. Clippy The Paperclip

(I'm just like Don King, except that my hair lacks a certain je ne sais quoi, especially since it hasn't met a barber since about January 21st, 2020. But oh well...)

Originally Posted by Klar Ken T5477

349. People were offended when I said my preferred pronouns are I, Me, My, Mine, and Myself.

352. Didn't see a problem with this

354. The numbering system still doesn't work properly.

355. I tested the numbering system, forget that I did, and ended up messing everything up

353, I have slight ocd and insist on getting everything numbered correctly. It bugs the hell outta me, which makes me cranky. Cranky McBasstard.

354. I was so protective of my hero logo and costume, that I kept attacking other heroes who used even ONE of the same colors I had - Rainbow Man

355. I can't drive. : /

356. I kept picking my nose while flying. Turns out that even a small speck of... um... dirt... if highly dense.. can cause major damage when dropped from high enough - Highly Dense Man

357. Shaved off Guy Gardner's eyebrows while he was asleep.

(& I still maintain this was far less than he deserved)

358. Activated the missile defence system when a small rocket appeared on my screen, heading towards Smallville.

359. I didn?t clean the machines in the gym after using them - Plague Lad

360. Forgot the lunch I packed, so had to go back home for it and was late for the season's most important battle.

361. Spent most of my free time replying to critical trolls on Facebook and Twitter

362. Broken zipper.

363. Missed my train to the battle. Sorry, not all of us can fly you know

364. I let a TNR'ed feral cat colony come live in our HQ's tea garden. Everyone complained about the smell, though I did my best to keep the boxes clean.

365. I kept playing loud music in the team jet on the way to missions

366. One by one, I replaced my colleagues on the team with Cleome's feral cat colony. They looked adorable in their little capes. The crime rate plummeted, as nearly dead criminals were returned to the Back Garden of Justice to meet their ultimate fate.

340. I shot the sheriff, and I shot the deputy. And I cracked corn, and I don't care.

341. Having listened to too many historical podcasts, fighting against anything seems a pointless gesture against humankind's basic nature.

342. I forgot to run the underwear through the dryer before going to bed last night!!

343. I got called a racist for supporting Ukraine, and decided to become a villain.

344. Suggested professional group mediation instead of constant fisticuffs. But Holy Cannoli it's unbelievable how much those folks charge an hour!

It's almost less expensive to just keep trashing Downtown every couple of weeks and then letting the Foundation pay for repairs and doctors.

345. Ate too much peanut butter

346. Don't know the difference between fap, wap, and rap. And don't care. But the parents of those lil' kids did.

347. Deafness from the oscillatin' super booty.

348. Said the wrong thing in the interview, without prefacing it with "well, my personal experience was..," and immediately got cancelled for pushing an agenda

349. All the Crises-of-the-week kept happening during the day, so I couldn't attend. - Vampire Lad

350. Insisted on taking my vacation days even in the midst of the worst Crises

351. Ouchies make me cry.

352. Super-villains say mean things, and I can't even. -Low Self-Esteem Lad.

353. I found a better use of my powers at large events - Port-A-Potty Pete

354. Got bribed by FIFA

355. Didn’t own a gun

356. Ignored fight of the month so I could grab a Black Friday deal.

357. Insisted on talking first instead of fighting the new heroes I came across

358. Since believing in reincarnation, I've taken the long view. Everyone will get to pay their karmic debt, even if it's over many lifetimes. Who am I to interfere?

359. I outsourced everything to my sidekicks. You can do it, Translucent Tim!

360. I just can't superhero today. Pam, from my fitting crew, called out and her replacement isn't nearly trained yet, and my hair & makeup people are stuck in traffic. Trust me, you don't want me out in public saving lives looking like this! -Lights, Camera, Action Lad

361. I swear I didn’t see the alerts and notifications, and that’s the only reason I missed the last 12 fights and emergencies! - Slow Texter Lass

362. My horoscope said I'd find disappointment in any new ventures starting today, so I couldn't fight that new villain. Couldn't some old villain have showed up? I could have fought him... -Astrology Lad

363. My Super Vehicle was weighed down by all the christmas pressies in the boot, and couldn't keep up with the villains escape.

364. I said, "Collateral Damage? who cares?" and was immediately cancelled...

... except Collateral Damage is the name of Exploding Woman's annoying sidekick...

365. Ambush Bug is around looking for crossovers, so I'm denying I'm a hero until he goes away.

366. Tryptophan.

367. Couldn’t master my flight ring training

368. My mother said, "Super powers or not, you are not going anywhere while your aunt is here for a visit and that's final!"

369. My mother has the better super powers. Last time I fought a villain, she came in smacked her silly in 3 minutes... all I accomplished in 30 minutes was a broken arm... mine

370. Vice confiscated my Power Pills in a raid.

371. My tasteless nudes were scattered all over the Internet

372. Just waiting for the artist to finish painting my costume on, so I can pass the comics code.

373. Just waiting to lose those pesky last 5 pounds, so they can start painting my costume on

374. Grounded - Living Lightning

375. Sore throat from making too many battle quips

376. Facing legal battle over copyright strike on one of my more well known slogans (I swear I have the receipt for it somewhere).

377. After The Crown and Prince Harry's show, I thought I'd give showbiz a try instead. -Princess Projectra.

378. I forgot to post a "thoughts and prayers" message after the last tragedy

379. The villain was my brother Bob. Bob the slightly seedy. Look, I've known the guy since we were babies. He's a little creepy, but not really a bad guy.

380. I brought a rare tropical disease to Western Europe.

381. In a previous life I was Highly Efficient Edward. So, to balance things out, in this life I'm Disorganized Dan, the Lazy Man.

382. I wouldn’t wait quietly in queue

383. Every politician who nominated me for hero status, was promptly fired as part of a sleaze scandal.

384. I kept making typos in my messages against villains

385. Why be a hero... When my superpowers can make me a god! Bow to your Kryptonian deity, puny humans!

386. I tripped and fell on my own cape!

387. Old age catches up to us all...

388. So does young age... super tough fighting crime when I have 3-year old triplets running around

389. Social services took a dim view of my claim that the neighbour's 3 year old triplets were really a Carggian Changeling.

390. Social services took a dim view of my claim that the neighbour's kids were all Imskian spies

391. I shouted at my neighbours kids for failing to aid me against social services, mindless drones of the Queen Bee

392. I decided to let Toyman rough my neighbors' kids up a bit, before rescuing them...

393. I accepted bribes from all the parents into letting Toyman rough up their kids, traumatising them against asking for any gifts.

394. I accepted bribes from grandparents whose kids were naughty when they were young, to replace their grandkids temporarily with robotic duplicates to give their kids a taste of their own medicine for a bit

395. I just replaced everyone with robot duplicates. I just sat about, while they roughed each other up and bribed each other. My robot duplicate would sometimes save something. Normally not enough to get into a super team. But when they are robot duplicates too, it's not so hard.

396. I found my robot duplicate attractive, and well, one thing led to another...

397. I started out as a hero in Bendis' Powers book. Sadly, by the time we'd finished our witty banter, half the city had been demolished. Then, we made quips about that too.

398. I stubbed my toe, and had to go back to bed

399. Can't leave my house. There's a spider by the door.

400. Got bit by the radioactive spider by the door, but it just made me queasy

401. Checked to see if I had aquatic powers, only to get the bends.

402. Checked to see if I could fly, only to break all my bones

403. The doctor at the burns unit confirmed I'd not be joining the Fantastic Four any time soon.

404. Error not found

405. Proper use of punctuation is not a super-power, and as a first-time hero, Eclipso was not a great choice for a starter nemesis. -Ellipso.

406. Chose a bad nemesis called the Fetal Five. Turns out beating up unborn kids doesn’t make you a hero

407. Called myself Major Mis Take, because I was able to rewind events in real life. Dead people did not appreciate being brought back to life just to die by murder again. Never mind the people in the periphery of my power range that were in the bathroom.

408. Mixed up the Trouble Alert for my alarm, and kept snoozing it. whooops.

409. Atomic Thomas here. So..yeah...turns out, I could only use my power once. Flash fried half of New Jersey.

410. X-Bomb Betty here, hi Atomic Thomas...

... cause apparently "Power Pooter the Roto-Rooter" is considered a "bad influence" on the kids. I don't get it, I love tha lil' bastards.

... videos of me at the kinky orgy leaked out

374. My only power is to change the color and texture of my Pee. Pee-Man doesn't exactly strike fear or respect...

375. I was allergic to water... enough said...

376. Infectous Lass and I...one night. Forever after known as Doodie Lad. No. Just No. Save the galaxy your own damn self.

377. I had to keep going to the bathroom every few minutes, and the bad guys got away