First of all... DON'T wear ugly stuff! This is like, SUCH an important rule of fashion that many, many MANY people just don't seem to get, like, y'know? *pitying coo* Makes me wonder if they have like BRAIN damage or something?

Okay, and this is TOTALLY important: don't be afraid of fashion. Fashion is your friend. Fashion isn't going to be like all the other JEALOUS girls that aren't popular and try to stab you in the back by spreading rumours that you like, did the WHOLE football team when in reality you've only done 2 of them and attempted a third but it turned out he was like GAY and all. *chirp of emphasis*

Another important tip: KNOW when baggy clothes are appropriate and when something TIGHT is needed instead. When you like learn to know these situations in advance you will learn to skip eating the day you have to wear something tight and then you won't be looking like a bloated beached space-creature and all the fat girlz at the party will be jealous of you and spread mean rumours.

UMBER's Tint Tip of the day--

RARELY is Mustard Yellow appropriate for funerals.

You know, Umber - you have a lot of Athramite in you. Sense-wise, not looks.

Do you think a dark Dijon mustard color would be okay for summer funerals?

No fashion tips for me?

Are you talking about those bug-things that used to dress the Legion? Well I've been told that I was "cute as a bug" before, usually by some old dude in his, like, 40s. I never knew if that should insult me or not, y'know? *coo of confusion*


Dark Dijon Mustard yellow for a summer funeral? I don't like advise it and all. I've always thought that avoiding the Primary Colors (and like variants therof including Periwinkle Blue, Scarlet Red etc.) is the safest best when attending a summer funeral. You, like, don't want to clash with all the flowers and stuff.

If you have a funeral to like attend this summer, I would avise something like a skintight tie-Dyed dress to liven the occasion up. This will also give the other guests something to look at instead of the icky dead dude. *chirp of emphasis*

Well, like, the reason I haven't like said anything yet is because I'm not sure if you're wanting to achieve the jock boy or gay boy look. That outfit in your current avatar is, like, all OVER the place, y'know? *matter-of-fact chirp*

But I CAN advise some skin treatments. Your complexion has been looking a little... off.

How about you present suggestions for both the gay boy and jock boy makeovers, and I can decide which I want to go with!

And besides, many times, the jock boy and the gay boy look coincide!!!

and if we're lucky the jock boy and gay boy coincide themselves... *dreamy sigh*

Hey Umber! What do you think of my new outfit? Had it made for my "Coming Out" Party here at Legion World!



V

Thanks for the fashion advice, Umber - but skin tight doesn't work on me. I'm more in the "relaxed fit" set. Still, the color tips are really useful.

Maybe you could take over the late night radio slot left by Nardo? Probably a lot of people here would have fashion questions.

VERY true, so it's like, skipping 2 birds with 1 stone!

So. The thing to remember for a successful jock boy or gay boy look is names, names, names. And NOT Sears Brand or Arizona either. *derisive snort*

The successful jock or gay look will contain equal parts of the following: Tommy Hilfiger, Adidas, Nike, Reebok, Abercrombie & Fitch.

T-shirts are good, preferably with one of the previously-mentioned logos on prominent display. Khaki shorts with lots of pockets are good. If you have hair, a sun visor is ultra-trendy. No (or bad) hair? A ball cap is a must (Eryk, you're like already scoring in this department... sorta). And sandals. If you have nice square-shaped toes, open-toed. For roundish or ugly toes, a closed-toe sandal is recommended! *chirp of emphasis*

And remember these important words: NO SHOULDER PADS!

What about a football jersey across my-- I mean, someone's strong, strapping chest?

*squeal of delight!* Stu! It's so NICE to see a like, guy take an interest in fashion and whatnot!

Now, on the subject of football jerseys. These are an adequate substitute for like Sports-label T-Shirts as long as you keep the pocket-short khakis and sandals in the ensemble!

FASHION WARNING

ONLY jock boyz or gay boyz should attempt the football jersey substitution dealey. Anyone else would look ridiculous. And jock boyz and gay boyz can SMELL an imposter trying to infiltrate. The brouhaha that follows ISN'T pretty! *chirp of emphasis*

*delighted chirp!* Miss Cramer, I'm so glad you are finding the color tips useful. I'm going to show this thread to my Mom because she like always calls me selfish and self-centered. I want her to see that I am really a caring giving person! *chirp of emphasis*

Nardo? isn't he like that grody red dude with the three eyes? I told him the other day to like QUIT staring at me and he turned his eyes the other way but THEN I noticed that that icky third eye was STILL staring at me so I got Ashe, Brock and Cliff to beat him up!

I like also told him that people with reddish complexions should NEVER wear ANY form of red, purple or pink but I don't like think he was listening because Brock's super-cute Sketchers (an ample substitute for sandals!) were all like in his oblong face and stuff.

STOP and smell the Hottie


A scent is VERY important! Both girlz AND fashionable gay guyz like a buff dude who's smelling GOOD! There's, like, time to get all sweaty and stinky LATER... you definitely want to start your night off smelling like a million credits! *chirp of emphasis*

It is important to know the difference between SUMMER and WINTER scents as well as DAYTIME and NIGHTTIME scents. This discussion could like actually take up another whole thread but I like just had a French Space-Manicure and don't want to risk damaging it!

2 IMPORTANT SCENT TIPS

Designer Imposter scents are NEVER EVER EVER acceptable.

Axe Body Spray is NOT a substitute for a shower.

JOOP!

What's that, Doop-jizz?

what brands do you recommend ??

i have to wear a suit for work, but on my days off when relaxing etc ...

i only wear Nike trainers and i wear Levi "Twisted" jeans and usually t-shirts from H&M and i wish we had Abercrombie & Fitch in the UK !!!

i really like their clothing, whenever i go to the States, i'll buy a load of stuff from, there !!!

Matthew.

Wow, no way! I thought Abercrombie was worldwide...

(I think H&M has a couple of stores in the U.S. ... though I'm wondering if British staple Marks & Spencer is here as well?)

Hey... speaking of Doop-jizz, I wonder if "Slimer" from Ghostbusters and Doop are related? And just what the heck is that "slime" that Slimer produces, anyway?!

*annoyed groan*

What like happened to the rest of the posts??!! They've been like retconned and stuff.

Anyway, take the non-fashion related dirty talk ELSEwhere!! *chirp of emphasis* Teen girls read this thread, y'know!!!!

Hi Umber!
What do you forecast for the coming fall/winter season?

your pal,
lil'rhino

Mullets.

Rhino! *squeal of delight* Gee, your avatar-thingie sure is... interesting....

I'm Sooooooooo glad you asked this VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION.

For fall--- it is like best this season to mimic the changing colors of all the pretty leaves... buy lots of magentas, rusts, tans, browns, MUTED greens, and even mustard yellows.

For winter--- throw them for a loop. After a couple months of muted fall colors, kick 'em right in the nads and stuff with like, pastels!!! *chirp of excitememnt* You heard me! Powder blue is my personal favorite. Oh yeah, and lots of stripey scarves and other accessories will make you look totally do-able!

And don't forget the big shoes. Everyone goes nuts for big shoes. Don't dare walk into a party this fall without knowing you will be wearing the most humongous pair of shoes there! *chirp of emphasis*

I'm like, not even going to dignify this with a response! *irritated air exhalation*

And don't forget the nose. A big, bright, round, red nose. Crucial.

Hmmmph!

I was talking about platform stacks or stiletto thigh-highs for the girlz or all-terrain Sketchers or square-toed stacked slip-ins for the boyz, as anyone with an iota of fashion sense should know.

Oh wait, you like don't have an iota of fashion sense, Stu. That's why you read my column! *chirp of emphasis*

You go now. *dismissive hair-toss*

Umber, how should one accessorize a string bikini with fur coat ensamble? Umm... My wife would like your opinion.

this thread confuses me ...

Sharkskin pants are always in fashion.

you trying to get into my pants?

First of all, tell her to ditch the coat completely and instead go with a fur-lined string bikini! She'll be a sensation! All the straight men in the area will be like all over her like that lying bitch Cammy Johns is all over the basketball team!

As for accessories, one can never go wrong with toe rings and ankle bracelets. Solid gold ones. You've got some shopping to do.

Oh, and tell her a demure tattoo is always nice, too!

Sadly, fashion confuses MOST people which is why you see like, so many people running around dressed in ridiculous clothes that I wouldn't be caught dead at a, like, cockfight in!

I'm here to help people like that. I'm here to bestow my natural gifts on others because like I'm a caring, giving person.

Not that I've ever had to worry about it, but even the fat and/or ugly can be fashionably dressed! Or the... uhhh... be-finned, whatever.

Oh Umber sweetie, you try so hard. But I'm afraid to say that, well, when it gets down to it you are *so* whitebread. Fashion, darling, is what you make it. If you make it look good, then it's fashion. Actually to be more accurate, if *I* wear it (and then it *will* look good) then it's fashion.

Of course that being said there are some people who are just never going to have a clue and at least you try your hardest. Plus you have the boys and being surrounded by cute young men is something that *never* goes out of fashion.

Someone please help me get rid of this God-awful mullet that's left over from my lesbian phase.

Umber girl, I am depending on you to make me look fabulous!

just zhush it ...

Mrs. Bevis, I agree that some people can make even the most disgusting, hideous outfits work. You are proof positive of that! *titter*

Ever since you gave me a few fashion tips Umber, I've had even more luck with the ladies! You're a fashion guru!

*quizzical coo*

Like, where is Umber? I've got the cutest dress to show her! And I found this uber-cute top for her to wear, it'll look so fab on her!

*exasperated huff*

Will this like, heat wave thingie ever be over with? I haven't been able to leave the house for two months because perspiration is like, sOOOOOOO unfashionable! *chirp of emphasis*

So, is everyone's fall wardrobe in order yet? If not, you're like, late! HURRY!

What's going to be in this fall? Product placement! But not, like, COMMON products like, say, Coca Cola. Instead, find a nice vintage "TAB" shirt! The pinker the better! And that Spam t-shirt? PASS-SAY! Find you a kyoot "Chicken of the Sea" shirt instead! It's precious on multiple levels and stuff!

Also, it, like, might be a good idea for you to lose 10 pounds.

Please, are you the fashion expert who advises the wearing of Hawaiian shirts as sooo un-cool? I was trying for a Magnum look...but instead it turned out like i ate too many Magnums (ice creams)....

Another thing, i do wish the Queer Eye crew would instead gravitate into making a gay man look shagalicious...

Those "Queer Eye" guyz are, like TOTAL posers! Plus they're too old. Well, that hairdresser one is still kyoot, though, even for an old dude.

Hawaiian shirts? Only acceptable at costume parties.

Umber, your reccomendation last year for my fall 'bad boy and completely happy with it' look ensured that my charms were near unbeatable. Any ideas to update for this fall?

Bah how die I post twice?

Dear Umber,
I am surrounded by people who do not feel it is necessary to match their shoes, belt, and handbag/wallet... It pisses me off, some advice please.

Tamper Lad,

I feel your pain. I SO feel your pain. *coo of understanding*

I can see my, like, help and stuff is needed around here more than ever! *chirp of readiness!*

Where is the genius known as Umber? Oh, she and I could have had a beautiful friendship...

Apparently, she's evolved into Calm Yo Tits!

Now THAT is ironic. It is like an Crisis of Ironic Earths ... in fact.


Calm Yo Tits + fashion advice = hysterical reality punch.

So, if we calm Calm Yo Tits' tits, will she devolve back into Umber?

Dunno, but are Umber and CYT kinda like Pokemon?

Can they fit into Poke balls?

2003? WHAT is a 2003? *chirp of mystification*