Limericks - Legion World

I got this idea from the Victorian Flirting Thread.

It probably won't even make a second page.

The idea is this:

I provide the first line for a limerick, you make up the other 4 lines, then provide a new first line for a new limerick. (for those who don't know, a limerick consists of 5 lines. The 1st, 2nd, & 5th rhyme with each other and the 3rd & 4th rhyme with each other.)

Hint: end the first line with an easily rhymable word. The idea is to create limericks, not stump the other person

So my first line is:

There once was a boy from Scotland

Who had never been to a hot land
So he got in his car
And he drove very far
Until he was mired in hot sand.

Next one (this is fun and I think it will appeal to those who frequent the Make a Sentence thread, as well as others):

I once knew a dandy named Randy

He had the serious hots for Andy
But oh, such cruel fate,
Andy was strait,
And was totally infatuated with Mandy

They called her a total ice queen

For ne'er with a beau was she seen
Her standards were high
And no man caught her eye
Until she met bald Mister Clean.

Next one:

Tickle my nose with a feather

dress me up in some leather
take me to the scene
call me a fetish queen
but don't talk to me about the weather.

Next:

When on a trip to New York

I opted to sail out of Cork
the weather was bumpy
the staff, they were frumpy
and each dinner they served us cold pork

Next:
It was a dark and stormy night

At Sarge's you don't ask for pork
The latkes are swell
And the matzo as well
So don't let them know you're a dork.

Next:

I floated in upon a cloud

Kent, you usurper!

My hair was a mess and a fright
I ran out of gel
And looked just like hell
So I kept me out of the light.

Next:
I floated in upon a cloud

(we used to 'bump into' each other's thread often last summer, I recall.)

As I arrived, all were wowed
But my arrival did fizz
when Mick said it was his
His "Hey! You! Get off!" was quite loud

Next:
There once was a man from Rome

Whose beer had a big head of foam
He licked his lips
In between sips
And after a few he went home.

Next:

I met an old man on a hunt

You might say that he was a runt
With dagger in hands
He'd leap from tree stands
It was quite an amazing stunt

Next:

She looked at me with such scorn

That I wished I'd never been born

My pants had been ripped
My fly was unzipped
And she'd had a peek at my horn!

Next:

I wrote a message to my love

And sent it in a box with a dove
But the box was air tight
Oh what a sight
And then I was given the shove.

Next:

There once was a vicar in London

Who reeked like a 12 week-old onion
He refused to bathe
Or shower or shave
And the stench sent parishoners runnin'

(London is hard to rhyme, Quis!!)

"The locals all knew of Jolene"

She dressed herself up like a queen
When she was down
She'd put on her crown
And parade into town to be seen.

Next,

Into the clouds I did float

Into the clouds I did float

And dragons there I did smote
When I was a child
my imagination ran wild
but now they call me an old goat.

(note to Brainiac 5: you did an excellant job rhyming "London")

Next:

A young girl went a dancing

(edited to add first line from the previous page)

To find a beau for romancing
But to her dismay
They all were quite gay
Ignoring her while they were prancing.

A lawyer named Joseph O'Hare

[Responding to "A young girl went a dancing"]

At a hip hop club in Lansing
But a run in her hose
And two broken toes
Made her moves look more like prancing.

Next:

I tasted honey upon my lip

[Braniac, you beat me to it.]
[Responding to "A lawyer named Joseph O'Hare"]

Took a case upon a dare
The evidence was slim
And the outcome was grim
For the client who had lost all her hair.

Next:

I tasted honey upon my lip

And tried to make a witty quip
I felt a sharp crack
Across my poor back
For Honey had brought her good whip!

A virtuous lass named JoAnne

Set her sights on a virtuous man
But she was in for a shock
When that guy named Brock
Threw her over for virtuous Stan.

Next:

The judge had an itch on her chin

The evidence was quite thin
the jury retired
their deliberations mired
but the defense still expected a win.

Next:

While sweeping up the school yard

but the Bailiff was as blind as sin
So the prison in the dock
got sent to the block
and the Executioner did some choppin'

Next:

While surfing on the internet

Kent beat me to the punch

While sweeping up the school yard
John found a bunch of report cards
There were some 'A's & 'B's
in the subject of geometry
But John saw that calculus was quite hard.

Next:

While surfing on the internet

I met a chick named Yvette
Her manner was nice
with no hint of vice
but she could be Alex Trebec.

Next:

There was a man from Pawtucket

(Hey Minesurfer, my mom's name is Yvette. She is nice, with no hint of vice, by the way.

)

Who bought chicken in a bucket
But after his first bite
He went hungry that night
'Cause the colonel had forgotten to pluck it.

Next,

I felt a breeze upon my neck

(Semi, glad to hear that about your mom... you sure she's not Alec Trebec?

)

I felt a breeze upon my neck

So I turned around to check
My hair was now parted
by someone who farted
And two others were out cold on the deck.

Next:

My sister loves to eat cookies.

(She is Canadian, but not Mr. Trebec, I assure you.)

With her friends the race-track bookies
They like to take bets
And run up the debts
Of poor innocent young rookies.

Next:

I placed the body on the slab

And quickly hailed a cab
I didn't do it;
I'll never admit,
Besides at the time I was in rehab.

Next:

Once on a clear summer day

I acted silly, I acted gay
I drank champagne
On Mockingbird Lane
And asked the Munsters out to play.

Next:

Can you believe what I read

Can you believe what I read?
It said that Elvis was dead!
The King is alive
He'll always survive
Eating fried bananas on bread

Next:

While on a flight to Sudan

I sat next to an old naked man
When dinner was served
The plane suddenly swerved
And he was dressed in salad and flan.

Next:

I ran so fast that I tripped and fell

while playing and frolicing in the dell
things turned grave
and I had a close shave
when I nearly stepped into an abandoned well.

NEXT:

A country lad from New Hampshire

Went into town for a lamp, dear
But he got in a muddle
And he fell in a puddle
And he ended up with a damp rear.

Next,

A proud and feisty little Cannuck

Doesn't need any luck
With mad skill
he is such a thrill
And you should see him handle a puck.

NEXT:

In a palace most grand

I place this ring upon your hand
On bended knee
I state my plea
Be the queen of this fair land.

Next:

Oh gracious queen of my poor heart

How sad I am when we part
While I am away
Each second - a day
And the sweetest things taste tart.

NEXT:

A fanciful cat in Bucharest

(Look, Quis, we're on page 3 -- and you didn't think we'd even get to page 2!)

Rid my flat of a rodent pest
He hit that rat
And squished it flat
And now my kitty desrves a rest.

Next,

I Drown my sorrows in my gin

I don't know where to begin
The rent is overdue
I have the flu
And my boyfriend is as ugly as sin.

NEXT:

Down the road came a dog

And sat beside me on a log
He looked at me
Then took a pee
And disappeared into the fog.

Next:

There once was a chicken named Little

Along side hopped a big frog
They made a strange sound
That toad and that hound
Reminded me of a sick hog.

A whiskey, a gin and a beer...

Got me Semi...

There once was a chicken named Little
Who ended up caught in the middle
Of a falling sky
And the Earth, that's why
He wound up having to piddle.

A whiskey, a gin and a beer

Is enough to make one feel queer
It will make you drunk
As an unsteady skunk
And you will fall down on your rear.

Next:

I once had an auto named Dent

Whose frame was wickedly bent
Until at last
I went too fast
and to the junkyard he went.

NEXT:

A pretty young thing from Spain

Like to play on the plain
She'd run and jump
And take a dump

But go in when it started to rain.

NEXT:

There was a young man from LA

Note: pronounced "El Aye"

With Greybird he wanted to play
But Viv intervened
And Elvis Lad screamed
So Semi went north to the Bay

Next:

Miner got wasted at SHAKES

When he met a couple of flakes
Spotting a pond
He used a wand
And now the flakes are drakes.

NEXT:

From a county fair in Mayberry

I smelled some food most savory
the barbecued chicken
was worth a good lickin'
but the crowd was more blue-blood than labor-y

Next:

My neighbor, old man Pendergast

My neighbor, old man Pendergast
Disturbingly eyes a much younger lass
So I switched the name tags
On the mailbox and bags
Now everyone knows Mr.Pederast

next:
The girl that we knew as sweet Violet

The girl that we knew as sweet Violet
Auditioned for an ABC pilot
The producer's a git
But the show is a hit
So if there's nothing else on, dial it

Next:
While cruising the Baltic Sea

I saw someone I thought was a she
But as it turned out
He had something to flout
So we retired to his room - tee hee

NEXT:

I stopped to smell a flower

I stopped to smell a flower
I did it on my lunch hour
its guest I did not see
so I was stung by the bee
turning the whole event rather sour.

Next:

How I miss Captain Crunch

Now that I've had my lunch
The milk did spill
I've had my fill
from eating bananas - a whole bunch.

NEXT:

They said I was wrong

They said that I was wrong
To wear a paisley thong
What a sight
It was too tight
I should have worn the sarong.

Next:

There was a young Briton named Sam

Who went to a party in Rotterdam
He went for a smoke
And was offered a toke
Then quoted Dr. Seuss - Sam, I am!

NEXT:

I live in an odd shaped house

I live in an odd shaped house
With an old quadraplegic mouse
He likes to eat cheese
While I rub his knees
With a pale pink satin blouse.

Next:

I like to climb the old oak tree

I like to climb the old oak tree
And stay up there from five to three
But when I have had a lot to drink
I take some time to think
Do I really need to climb down to pee?

NEXT:

A man and a boy did argue

A man and a boy did argue
Over who had dibs on the pool cue
The man said, "I'm older"
The boy said, "I'm bolder"
So Jane stepped in and said "Screw you!"

NEXT:

There once was a planet named Saturn

There once was a planet named Saturn
Whose name fit a certain pattern
Except for Earth and Uranus
They are all famous
For coming from the Latin

NEXT:

A young man from Daxam

A young man from Daxam
Liked to put his feet up and relax 'em
And write notes to his love
His sweet turtle dove
And after, to her,he'd fax 'em.

NEXT:

I spent the morning waiting in court

because of a case of tort
but my lawyer died
so I sat & cried
"But this was my last resort!"

NEXT:

A cute young pup named Duncan

Whose coat is white and light tan
Likes to bite and chew
Anything that's new
Even his owner, the old man.

NEXT:

He likes to wear a nightie (

)

And you may think him a little flighty
But how do you feel
When it's the Man of Steel
Do you still think his deeds are mighty?

NEXT:

Joy-riding in a Time Bubble

Joy-riding in a Time Bubble
We bumped the aging Hubble
The lens popped out
And floated about
And boy were we in trouble!

NEXt:

She brushed her hair a hundred strokes

To make herself pretty for all the blokes
But with a very big nose
and many runs in her hose
She was the butt of their jokes.

NEXT:

With my sweetheart at the fair

With my sweetheart at the fair
I shot an arrow on a dare
My aim was wide
And I hit my bride
But luckily only in her hair.

NEXT

Gleefully I took off my shorts

Gleefully I took off my shorts
Feeling free from all reports
I was prancing about when
I danced into a group of men
Lucky for me they are all good sports.

NEXT:

Someone has a dirty mind

Someone has a dirty mind
They like to see me bump and grind
Strip off my clothes
Spin on my toes
And with my beauty strike them blind.

NEXT:

Oh that man, he done me wrong

[An aside to Quis. Do you think we should advertise the Limmericks thread? It's really quite fun and all the rest of the Legion Worlders are missing out.]

Quote

Originally posted by Semi Transparent Fellow:
[An aside to Quis. Do you think we should advertise the Limmericks thread? It's really quite fun and all the rest of the Legion Worlders are missing out.]

How would you advertise it?

With a limmerick?

Quote

Originally posted by Semi Transparent Fellow:
With a limmerick?

well I put a limerick in the shout box

Oh that man, he done me wrong
He expected me to wear a thong
While he wore my dress
It was quite a mess
This ain't no country & western song.

NEXT:

A trio of teens at the space port

A trio of teens at the space port
Tried to arouse the robot Gort
Klaatu Barada Nikto
Were the words, you know
To make that giant a destructive sort.

NEXT

I love the Day the Earth Stood Still

I love the Day the Earth Stood Still
Watching it always gives me a thrill
I was surprized to see
It was on MST3
Their version made me feel ill

NEXT:

A pretty girl in a bonnet

A pretty girl in a bonnet
Buzzed around like an angry hornet
When asked why the rage
She displayed her journal's page
And said, "Why, somebody has torn it!"

Next:

A silly young man from the moon

A silly young man from the moon
Entertained us all with a tune
"When it is night,
I'm quite a sight,
But I'm invisible at noon."

NEXT

A tasty young tart named Alice

A tasty young tart named Alice
Was summoned to the palace
We heard you were smart
And not just a tart
So explain the Aurora Borealis.

NEXT:

There once was a princess from Psyonia

There once was a princess from Psyonia
Who visited me in Patagonia
When she was here
She hated our beer
Said it tasted like ammonia.

NEXT

I really love my Etch-A-Sketch

I really love my Etch-A-Sketch
And without it I would kvetch
But then I got a pup
And he chewed it up
So now we play fetch.

NEXT:

On Legion World I did post

On Legion World I did post
And though I don't like to boast
A girl from Nantucket
Put my post in her bucket
And said that she liked it the most.

NEXT:

While talking of Keats to a Durlan

While talking of Keats to a Durlan
His antennae started unfurlin'
He said, "I'm a-tirin'
Of poems by Byron,
But Shelley starts my toes a-curlin'."

NEXT:
Pariscub, Quislet, and Lad Boy

Pariscub, Quislet, and Lad Boy
All fought over a new toy
When Paris said "It's mine"
Quis smacked his behind
And Lad Boy clapped his hands in joy.

NEXT:

Where in the world has Lad Boy been

Where in the world has Lad Boy been
to Capitol Hill, again and again.
His job, kids, and a wife,
and the ex-boyfriend's strife
make me worry about my good friend.

NEXT:
Legion greats Waid and Kitson

Legion greats Waid and Kitson
Reimagined tales they have spun
I like the cast
and prefer it to the last
So let's hope they have a very long run

NEXT:

Going to the comic book shop

Going to the comic book shop
I like to run and skip and hop
At six foot three
I'm a sight to see
So I try to avoid the local cop.

NEXT

I peered into the garbage can

I peered into the garbage can
And saw the trash of ole rich Stan
Bras made from rubies
To place on my boobies
So now they sparkle for my man.

NEXT

She was loveliest of the old hags

She was loveliest of the old hags
Beautiful even when wearing rags
She'd go to the races
Where she was simply aces
Winning when she bet on the old nags.

NEXT

I stubbed my toe on a rock

I stubbed my toe on a rock
While cruising under a dock
My cry of pain
Was answered by Wayne
A nice ending for my walk.

NEXT:

An old maid from Rome

An old maid from Rome
Wandered far from home
She got lost
At quite a cost
And ended up in Nome.

NEXT

A strapping young man from Zaire

A strapping young man from Zaire
Wanted to have a hot affair
The one that he found
Made him feel down
Because the husband didn't care.

NEXT:

The strapping young man's brother

The strapping young man's brother
Was a stripper like no other
All would swoon
When he bared his moon
But never in front of their mother.

NEXT

I ate a pickle on my break

I ate a pickle on my break
But it was a mistake
Because fairly quick
I got very sick
I shouldn't have had it with cake.

NEXT

It was a very hot day

It was a very hot day
In the City by the Bay
The boys wore no shirts
Oh my they're such flirts
All in all, it was tres gay.

NEXT

I climbed up on the old fire truck

I climbed up on the old fire truck
My foot, in a ladder, got stuck
A fireman
named Stan
Rescued me, just my luck.

NEXT:

Upon an ivy covered wall

Upon an ivy covered wall
An egg sat calm before his fall
His name was Humpty
That's right, Sir Dumpty
'Till he got hit by a baseball.

NEXT:

Sitting pretty on her chair

Sitting pretty on her chair
Was the girl who wasn't there
With her I would play
And while away the day
Her name is Sue, but call her "Claire".

NEXT:

Back when I was young

Back when I was young
Taste of life on my tongue
Days were merry
Unpitted cherry
My song yet to be sung.

NEXT

When lighting softly upon a star

When lighting softly on a star
It is good to know who you are
For a life
Without strife
That will help you go far.

NEXT:

Upon reading something very funny

Upon reading something very funny
Or even if it's just merely punny
I laugh and cry just like a clown
And giggle 'til my pants fall down
And all the crowd showers me with money.

NEXT

There was a young lawyer from New York

There was a young lawyer from New York
Who fancied for luncheon some roast pork
But the rent that he paid
Left his bank account flayed
So he sat at his desk and did more work.

NEXT

A weekend at home is so charming

A weekend at home is so charming
I did some gardening aka farming
I pulled lots of weeds
Some plants went to seed
Which I found quite alarming

NEXT:

Traveling the world for three years

Traveling the world for three years
Might bring a grown man to tears
Unless in each region
There were friends of the Legion
And lots of ales, stouts, and dark beers.

NEXT:
The news about Lightning Lad

The news about Lightning Lad
Made Saturn Girl rather mad
On Winath he ran
All naked with Jan
And still longs for the fun that they had.

NEXT:

Why does my lab smell like goats?

Why does my lab smell like goats?
Is the answer in my notes?
Is it a dream
To make me scream
Or just dwarfs in woolen coats?

NEXT:

I wonder should I take this flight

I wonder should I take this flight
Or should I go by train tonight
if not far
I'd go by car
Too many options to know which is right.

NEXT:

I walked hand in hand with my brother

I walked hand in hand with my brother.
We searched for our father and mother.
Dad lay on one bed,
Gagged, bound, and dead
While Mom slept away on the other.

NEXT:

Monel's solemn Melons and Lemons

(Truly disturbing limerick, Lad Boy)

Monel's solemn Melons and Lemons
Were the favorites of the Fremons,
Give em a squeeze
Oh pretty please
Said writer dear old Samuel Clemmons

NEXT:

I'm happy as a buzzing bee

(It's been a rough week, STF)

I'm happy as a buzzing bee
Ready to sting someone like Vee
Venomous poison, sudden pain
Hallmarks of my domain
Come closer now and sit with me.

NEXT:
A Semi Transparent Felllow...

A semi transparent fellow
was trying to be mellow
Instead of a lark
Things got quite dark
How about a game of Othello?

NEXT:

A goth girl and a daisy

A goth girl and a daisy
In atmosphere so hazy
Appeared to shimmer
And then grew dimmer
This smog could drive you crazy

NEXT:

Veggie sushi is delicious

Veggie sushi is delicious
and very nutritious
But quite the feat
To get me to eat
Something else else that sounds so malicious.

NEXT:

They said it couldn't be done

Thye said it couldn't be done
Eating pudding on the run
Quite a mess
I must confess
But oh, it was so much fun.

NEXT:

I like to laugh and scratch my ear

(P.S. Fat Cramer, you are quite the grand master/mistress of limericks. I couldn't conquer "A goth girl and a daisy" as much as I tried.)

I like to laugh and scratch my ear
I even chuckle when drinking beer
See, S.T Fellow,
I can be mellow
And not write of death and gloom here.

NEXT:
I like to run naked in storms

I like to run naked in storms
On-lookers gather in swarms
Where ever I go
without my speedo
A part of me performs

NEXT:

Sometimes when I blush

There was a Legionnaire, Imra
who was very proper and prim-ra
She never had a guy
and when they asked why
they found that her was a him-ra.

Sometimes when I blush
The blood begins to rush
To my face
At a frantic pace
Leaving it painted as if by a brush.

NEXT:

Whenever I think of the Legion

Whenever I think of the Legion
Each one of them a collegian
Super powered
And freshly showered
They're tops in the metro region.

NEXT

I'm fresh and clean like a flower

(P.S. Some great new talent appearing lately, Vee and baycent.)

I'm fresh and clean as a flower
After taking a five minute shower
But to smell just divine
A bubble bath is sublime
Followed up by some nice, scented powder.

NEXT:

After a long day at work

After a long day at work
my chores, I will shirk
I'm need some relaxation
So I'm off on a vacation
Where is that hotel clerk?

NEXT:

Looking for a partner in crime

Looking for a partner in crime
Looking for him all the time
I think he's near
I smell something...beer!
It's Lad Boy's Corona with lime.

NEXT:
Once, on a date with Projectra

Once, on a date with Projectra
I hit the button to eject RA
An Egyptian god
A nasty sod
So he became Reject RA

NEXT

This one shall be easy to rhyme

This one should be easy to rhyme
in fact I do it all the time
It's lots of fun
to make a pun
Should I thought up a different line?

NEXT:

A gent from Melbourne

A gent from Melbourne
Was might well born.
He had lots of money
And great food filled his tummy
Thanks to all the sheep his family had shorn.

NEXT: There is a price to be paid

There is a price to be paid
If you want to get laid
By a hooker
Who's a looker
Else just settle for the maid.

NEXT

Standing atop of old Smoky

Standing atop of old Smokey
I did the "love" Hokey Pokey
With a real cutie
A Ranger, off duty
Who quickly agreed "Okie Dokie!"

NEXT:

In response to your request

In response to your request
I promise not to be a pest
Okie Dokie
Do your pokey
I'll just observe your love fest.

NEXT

Wee Willie got in some trouble

Wee Willie got in some trouble
when betting on the daily double
He shouldn't have bet
On the nag "Hasn't Won Yet"
His swag lasted like a soap bubble.

NEXT:

Mary liked to skip to the market

Mary liked to skip to the market
To purchase a brand new jar kit
She'd drive no car
E'en though it was far
Becasue it was too hard to park it.

NEXT:

An ancient wizard said to me

An ancient wizard said to me
In what sounded like poetry
Something else else of note?
Perhaps a quote?
It was all Greek to me, you see.

NEXT:

It was on a summer day steamy

It was on a summer day steamy
That I ate an eclair so creamy
It ran down my chin
All the way to my shin
But who cares, since it was so dreamy.

NEXT:

The stevedore gave me the eye

The stevedore gave me the eye
And I had to ask him why
It had been pluck
from a guy out of luck
Said he "It's a gift I didn't have to buy."

NEXT:

While sitting in the town square

While sitting in the town square
A barber shaved all my hair
What a sight
I was a fright
For now my dome was all bare.

NEXT:

She likes to burp and scratch her tum

She likes to burp and scratch her tum
She says it makes her happier some
"It itches there!"
Said without a care
Perhaps because she was drinking rum.

NEXT:

It was a dark and dreary night

It was a dark and dreary night
So I turned on every light
To banish the gloom
From every room
And keep the vampires out of sight.

NEXT

My brand new sock has got a hole

My brand new sock has got a hole
I think it was caused by a mole
I've lost the mate
It must be fate
But my shoes are the ones with soul.

NEXT:

It happened one Thursday afternoon

It happened one Thursday afternoon
I was riding high upon a loon
I was bored
So we soared
And ended up upon the moon.

NEXT:

The Moody Blues give me a thrill

The Moody Blues give me a thrill
I have them on 8-track tape, still.
For Nights in White Satin
While touring Manhattan
I think I'm still paying the bill.

NEXT:
Baseball's my favorite sport

Baseball's my favorite sport
on the diamond I cavort
the roar of the crowd
makes me proud
when the pitcher's no hit streak I thwart

NEXT:

A naughty boy I have been

A naughty boy I have been
To my sister I was mean
I washed her hair
With mother's Nair
Now her scalp has quite a sheen.

NEXT

I took my doggie for a walk

I took my doggie for a walk
Sometimes I wish that he could talk
My question would be
Why every hydrant we see
Requires that we sniff, spray, and gawk

NEXT:

I would love to fly into space

I would love to fly into space
Say goodbye to the human race
They always fight
Can't see the light
No wonder there's a fall from grace.

(Nah, I'm not depressed.

I have no idea where that came from. - maybe London

))

NEXT:

If I could shine and be the sun

If I could shine and be the sun
I'm sure I would do it on the run
Provider of Light
Opposed to the Night
I'd do my best for everyone.

NEXT:

Taking you out for a night on the town

Taking you out for a night on the town
we'll line em up and drink em down
then drunk on the street
you tripped on your feet
and now you look like a clown

NEXT

it is very dry upon the moon

It is very dry upon the moon
It dried up much too soon
How can it be
That there is a lunar sea?
Maybe I should just go to the saloon.

NEXT:

I came upon Mom and Dad

I came upon Mom And Dad
And it caused me to yell out "Egad!"
They were busy, you see
Enjoying they're own company
And now I have nightmares real bad!

NEXT:

The life of a monk is quite stoic

The life of a monk is quite stoic
Some thing abstinence is heroic
They kneel and pray
All night and day
Egads! it's so Paleozoic.

NEXT

You're a monkey, oh yes you are

You're a monkey, oh yes you are
and in the jungle you'll go far
But on certain nights
amid the bright lights
at the circus you are the star.

NEXT:

Lying on my back I saw a cloud

Lying on my back I saw a cloud
In the shape of a horse, noble, proud
But it gave me a start
A fluttering heart
'Cause damn, that horse was well-endowed!

NEXT:

Sipping coffee at midday

Sipping coffee at midday
In the City by the Bay
I like it hot
With cream, or not
It helps to while the time away.

NEXT:

There once was a mouse named "Mighty"

There once was a mouse named "Mighty"
who wasn't the least bit flighty
Stories of fun and glee
were made by Ralph Bakshi
I watched them day and nightly

NEXT:

There once was a man from Pisa

There once was a man from Pisa
Who had sex with a girl named Leeza
Her mom was mad
And so was her dad
'Cause he paid with an expired Visa.

(I'm so proud of myself.)

NEXT:

There was a young artist in trouble

There was a young artist in trouble
His statues all turned to rubble
A friend who was smart
Said "Call it modern art"
and now his output is more than double.

NEXT:

There was a boy who had a rabbit

There was a boy who had a rabbit
Which hopped away before he could grab it
But soon he had fun
With a frightened nun
When it hopped up in Sister Kay's habit

NEXT:

On the way to New York City

On the way to New York City
I saw a rabbit hoppy hippity
On I-87
The rabbit to heaven
Was dispatched, without serendipity.

NEXT: A flea and a tick on a mutt

A flea and a tick on a mutt
Fought over who'd get the butt
But a pesticide
Soon ended their ride
And the case was open and shut.

NEXT

Sometimes in winter but not in fall

A flea and a tick on a mutt
went exploring, but
in a forest of hair
they could see nowhere
Said the tick "Is that a boulder or a nut?"

NEXT:

A cat laid in the sun

Sometimes in winter but not in fall
Samantha will heed the call
She thinks it is hip
to take a dip
Au naturale in the fountain at the mall.

NEXT:

A cat laid in the sun

A cat laid in the sun
Will never get well done
If it's cat meat you're luvin',
The microwave oven
Makes for cuisine that's quite fun.

NEXT:
To sleep, perchance to dream

To sleep, perchance to dream
Perchance to hatch a scheme
A summer night
May fill with fright
Under a cold moon beam.

NEXT: The rain turned to hail then snow

The rain turned to hail then snow
The wind picked up and started to blow
in 5 minutes it's changed
our weather's deranged
but thats Canada don't you know?

NEXT
I got a dollar in my pocket

I got a dollar in my pocket
Which I'll use to buy a locket
For my honey
I'll spend my money
Unless I'm broke, then I'll hawk it.

NEXT

There once was a rooster named Stan

There once was a rooster named Stan
Who believed himself a man
But when he used the loo
He slipped and was through
For someone flushed him down the can

NEXT

Once I kissed a girl named Kate

Once I kised a girl named Kate
It was on our very first date
She wasn't shy
She let out a sigh
No sense in making her wait.

NEXT

I fell in love with a stevedore

I fell in love with a stevedore
Whom all the women did adore
But said he
I love thee
That made me love him all the more

NEXT:

A seamstress named Kate

A seamstress named Kate
Had grown bored with her fate
She said, "Don't ya' know
My life's just sew-sew.
I wish Dedman would ask for a date."

NEXT:

The very best thing about limericks

The very best thing about limericks
It's an easy way to get your kicks
If you like cheap rhyme
And wasting time
And can run from occasional bricks.

NEXT: A Supreme Court Justice nominee

A Supreme Court nominee
Must have a good pedigree
Can't be a cad
or have done anything bad
And won't be bourgeoisie.

NEXT:

A spritely young thing named Nancy

I better grab this one before somebody writes something atrocious about my spritely young namesake.

A spritely young thing named Nancy
For loveable rogues had a fancy
They robbed and they swindled
Her passion they kindled
It was, in a way, necromancy

NEXT: A handsome young man from the Caspian

A handsome young man from the Caspian
Fell in love with pretty young thespian
Try as he might
He loved her in spite
Of the fact that she was a lesbian.

NEXT

A stylish young mime from Durban

A stylish young mime from Durban
Sat silently drinking much bourbon
Too drunk to walk
and refusing to talk,
He rode home in my Suburban.

NEXT:

He exclaimed "E pluribus unum!"

He exclaimed "E pluribus Unum"
Excitedly to the two of 'em
His use of Latin
completely flattened
the mischievousness in 'em

NEXT:

Some words are hard to rhyme

He exclaimed "E pluribus unum!"
as he moved ex tenebris in lucem
queuing for mass
eyeing his lass
as the priest said, "Hoc est corpus meum"

NEXT:

The frisky boy went on vacation.

Some words are hard to rhyme
It happens all the time
That I make a post
too late to the host
All in all it's not too sublime

NOW NEXT:

The frisky boy went on vacation.

The frisky boy went on vacation
Where he met a voodoo priest Hatian
They danced 'til dawn
On the hotel lawn
Much to the guests' consternation.

NEXT

I went a sailing upon the sea

I went a sailing upon the sea
Schroedinger's cat likes sailing with me
or maybe he doesn't.
He was and he wasn't
in his box, so where can he be?

NEXT:

Prick your thumb on a rose that is thorny.

Prick your thumb on a rose that is thorny
Offered to you by actress Sigourney
But clot up the blood
With a pack of mud
Lest you make all the vampires horny.

NEXT:

Drag your butt right out of that bed

Drag your butt right out of that bed
Rise and get to work instead
Some money to earn
Which later you'll burn
Be happy, at least you're not dead.

NEXT: Add some more lime to that vodka, my dear

Add some more lime to that vodka, my dear
On this cold blustery night, we need some cheer
Come snuggle with me
My sweet honey bee
Under this blanket there's nothing to fear.

NEXT

Drink a glass to Scotty, my friend

Drink a glass to Scotty, my friend
His would be the first elbow to bend
Don't forget the man
named James Doohan
Sadly, all good things must end.

NEXT:

What is it about life

What is it about life
That causes so much strife
If there's a pill
For all that's ill
I'd give it to my wife.

(Sorry for the blatantly misogynist tone - I was just going for a facile limerick.)

NEXT

Why do ladies smell so nice

Why do ladies smell so nice?
Charms wafting as to intice,
me to chase
around this place.
I'm a victim of my vice.

NEXT

On an early morning lovely.

On an early morning lovely
I woke to see above me
his smiling face.
Then without a trace
He left. Now, who will love me.

NEXT:
If time can heal all wounds,

If time can heal all wounds,
It can make the word gazounds
A legitimate rhyme
Because over time
New words will be made, one foreswoonds.

NEXT: I sat and I talked to the porcupine

I sat and talked to the porcupine,
And everything was going fine,
'Til we got in a fight
(He was wrong, I was right!)
And I wound up with quills in my spine.

NEXT: There once was a girl from Orando.

I sat and I talked to the porcupine
of what to drink and where to dine
of his fare
I wouldn't dare
to eat except the berries most devine.

NEXT:

A girl with a bright blue ribbon

There once was a girl from Orando
Who went to live in Orlando
A beauty she's not
She works at Epcott
Where she impersonates Marlon Brando.

A girl with a bright blue ribbon
Had a face like an African gibbon
When she went to the city
They all said she was pretty
But you know they were really fibbin'.

NEXT:

Bury me next to my old Chevy II (two)

Bury me next to my old Chevy 2
when my final days are through
till then i will smoke,
perhaps have a toke,
and certainly get drunk with you!!!

NEXT:
Upon the rolling hills of Avalon

Upon the rolling hills of Avalon
My shining armour I did don
And ride upon my noble steed
I serve the king and peoples need
To usher in a glorious dawn.

NEXT:

Down to Atlantis I did swim

Down to Atlantis I did swim
a trip made on a whim
In an underwater glade
I spotted a mermaid
But she turned out to be a him.

NEXT:

On a hike to Shangri-La

On a hike to Shangri-La
I sang a ditty, la-te-da,
"It's all the rage
To never age
Always younger than my pa."

NEXT

With John Travolta I did dance

With John Travolta I did dance
for some reason with no pants
though i'm not gay
i really must say
it certainly felt like romance!!!

NEXT

Upon Europa gazing at the stars

Upon Europa gazing at the stars
I thought I'd left my raincoat back on Mars
But rather than
Go back again
I headed for my favourite Jovian bars.

NEXT: They're back again, those jellyfish

They're back again, those jellyfish
Between my toes - Squish, squish, squish
Floating on the waves
Among the sea caves
But please not in my chafing dish.

NEXT:

Up high in a hot air balloon

Up high in a hot air balloon
With a girl from southern Kathoon
From dusk til sunrise
Her strength will surprise
Unless, of course, there's a full moon.

NEXT:

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Parting is such sweet sorrow
Said the maid to dashing Zorro
He's off to fight
For what's right
But I'll be in his arms tomorrow.

NEXT

A good dream is like a bubble

A good dream is like a bubble
Flying up above the Telescope Hubble
But when your dreams pop
You'll find that you'll flop
If you sleep in class you're in trouble!

Next:

A beautiful expanse of green

A beautiful expanse of green
Leaves people restless once it's seen
That it needs mowing
And spot seed-sowing
The lawn police on me did lean.

NEXT: On Monday morning I awoke

On Monday morning I awoke
to a house full of smoke
my children did boast
to making the most burnt toast
to them it was all a big joke.

NEXT:

As I contemplated lunch

As I contemplated lunch
I thought I'd buy a bunch
Of carrots
At Harrods
And noisily I'd munch

NEXT: He dreamed that he asked Karl Rove

He dreamed that he asked Karl Rove
Who was floating in the cove
"Oh just a spy
Who did die
When I exposed him in the grove."

NEXT

Upon the wind, I did soar

Upon the wind, I did soar
Above the crowd's maddening roar
My cares did cease
as I found peace
And with Nature I had a rapport

NEXT:

On a crowded noisy street

On a crowded noisy street
I wonder whom I'll meet.
George Bush or Karl Rove
DC's treasure trove
Of reasons to stay in from the heat.

NEXT:

For a double-shot skim cappucino

For a double-shot skim cappucino,
I ask by barista Gino
It makes me sad
coffees' all I had
I ought to skip work and sip vino.

NEXT:

There was a boy at summer camp

There was a boy at summer camp
Who I met running down a ramp
We were both gay
So every day
We would play it up as "camp"

NEXT:

A cowgirl from Montana

A cowgirl from Montana
was holding a banana
at her hip...
Damn censorship.
Can't finish this like I wanna

NEXT"

Off on the journey he goes

Off on the journey he goes
Wearing his mother's hose
His legs were fit
He sure was "it"
Wearing pumps with open toes.

NEXT

I really really hate my job

I really really hate my job
and its not that I'm a snob
It just that I rather be
footloose and fancy free
But then to get money, I'd have to rob.

NEXT:
What should be my new career?

What should be my new career?
Should I go and ask a seer?
Back to school?
In Kabul?
Maybe I should stay right here.

NEXT: Our lyrical lads love limericks

Our lyrical lads love limericks
They're fun and smart and full of tricks.
Every day
they come and play
and write these silly poems to get their fix.

NEXT:
I find these poems terribly bawdy

I find these poems terribly bawdy
My mom would even say they're naughty
But it's all fine
Cause she's not on-line
Thank the lord, she's drinking her toddy.

NEXT

Sometimes it's hard to find a rhyme

Sometimes it's hard to find a rhyme
And harder still to be sublime
But message board verse
Is not any worse
Than performance art by a mime.

Next: On midsummer's eve I slept in a tree

On a midsummer's eve I slept in a tree
Because I was foot-loose and fancy free
But then on a whim
I went out on a limb
And tumbled to the ground breaking my knee.

NEXT

Hi-ho hi-ho it's home from work I go

Hi-ho hi-ho it's home from work I go
Another day of 9 to 5 and all I have to show
Is money in the bank
I hope my bonds don't tank
Some day I'll quit, if my nest egg can grow.

NEXT

I took a barge and headed down the Seine

I took a barge and headed down the Seine
With a handsome young sailor from Maine
We got off at a club
And picked up Pariscub
And I swear did nothing profane.

NEXT

The reason I like to wear spandex

The reason I like to wear spandex,
Which gives me lots of freedom to flex,
Is it shows off my butt
And I have no gut,
But best of all it showcases my pecs.

NEXT

I chanced upon an enchanted toad

I chanced upon an enchanted toad
who was hopping accross the grass I'd mowed.
I knelt down and kissed him
Man how I've missed him.
My prince took his show on the road.

NEXT:
Today I shaved off my goatee.

Today I shaved off my goatee
And fed it to my goat and he
Said "So delicious!"
But I'm malicious
So fed him some Chef Boy-ar-dee.

NEXT: He flew to Brazil for the carnival

He flew to Brazil for the carnival
But ended up at a religious revival
It was a bit of a bungle
As he fled into the jungle
Where he fought for his survival.

NEXT:

He then tried the Mardi Gras

He then tried the Mardi Gras
With his Dad and dear old Ma
They dressed in thongs
And sang rude songs
And ran afoul of the law.

NEXT:

Hallowe'en is such a treat

Hallowe'en is such a treat.
Eating candy sure is neat.
Play a mean trick
but don't get sick
when tossing the rancid meat.

NEXT:
I avoided working on Simcoe Day.

I avoided working on Simcoe Day
Tomorrow I must bale hay
But this I know
That come the snow
I'm heading south to Tampa Bay

Next: I sent the steak back to the chef

I sent the steak back to the chef
Who was profoundly deaf
When I said "cook"
He thought it was "book"
And sent me back a roman a clef

(FC, Seems like I got you hooked on these.)

NEXT:

The mistake inspired me to write

Yes, you fiend! Between this and Sudoku, my productivity has plunged to a new low!

The mistake inspired me to write
And keep on going through the night
Then with sunrise
My tired eyes
Read "Dr. Mayavale: He Likes Dwight".

NEXT: Out of the frying pan, into the fire

Out of the frying pan, into the fire
Is what we say when things are dire
Before we proceed
What we need
Is water to make the flames expire.

NEXT:

I listened to the words of the sage

I listened to the words of the sage
He told me to write on every page
All the good things
That my life brings
And in this way, my blessings gauge.

NEXT:

Aren't we just the cleverest sort

Aren't we just the cleverest sort
Our punning we will not abort
But if a thief
took our leaf
Then we'd see him in court.

NEXT:

A kiss from a maiden I did steal

A kiss from a maiden I did steal.
This was after the delightful meal.
My mind is dirty.
She was awful purty.
But I'll not admit I copped a feel.

NEXT:
There once was a boy from Toronto.

There once was a boy from Toronto
Whose image we could barely hold onto
He opened a bar
Invited all from near and far
and got Vee to dress up like Tonto

NEXT:
If wishes were fishes...

I wishes were fishes
And I were Sid Vicious
I'd sing punk
With my dog Dunc
And ne'er be repititious

NEXT:

Oh where oh where can my Abin Quank be

Oh where oh where can my Abin Quank be
(I think he went out to sea)
Cobie gave him a ring
(It's attached to his thing)
It helps him to annoy thee

NEXT:
Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, it's off to work we go

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it's off to work we go
Although it's beastly hot and wicked winds do blow
A dromedary
Can not tarry
In caravans, you're just another working joe.

NEXT: I'm not that kind of girl, she cried

I'm not that kind of girl, she cried
Neither am I, he lied
She then said "OK"
And went all the way
Now her dad is fit to be tied.

NEXT:

Marriage is a wonderful thing

Marriage is a wonderful thing
Happiness and joy it will bring
To Bill and Phil
And Lil and Jill
Despite ranting of the right wing.

NEXT

I want to be a millionaire

I want to be a millionaire
And rest about on my derriere
My hope is the lottery
or maybe robbery
Of actually being one, I despair.

NEXT:

A little old lady from Pasadena

A litte old lady from Pasadena
Named her boobs Yolanda and Tina
They filled her shirt
She was such a flirt
Oh, sorry Grans, I didn't mean to demean ya.

NEXT:

When pigs dress up to go out

When pigs dress up to go out
They put red lipstick on the snout.
They carry silk purses,
Are chauffered in hearses
And dance until dawn, I've no doubt.

NEXT: There once was a fellow who liked onion curry

There once was a fellow who liked onion curry
Who always ate it in very great hurry
But once ate too fast
So there was a blast
And there was nothing left of him to bury.

Next:
A woman who liked to knit sweaters...

A woman who liked to knit sweaters
For athletes she would sew on letters
But "I", "O" and "U"
In red or navy blue
Were the ones she reserved for debtors.

NEXT

She broke her heel on the runway

She broke her heel on the runway
He was the ankle doctor she saw on Monday
One thing lead to another
It met the approval of his mother
And they were wed the following Sunday

NEXT:

I don't know how to love him

I don't know how to love him
He took me to a movie on a whim
A Bronson flick
He thought me thick
And left me with the clams to swim.

NEXT: We sent camping, got chased by a bear

We went camping, got chased by a bear
When we stumbled too close to her lair
She rose up and roared
She was huge my lord
But was only protecting her cubs in there.

NEXT

I've been in a foreign land too long

I've been in a foreign land too long
And I miss my mother's song
but here I stay
can't get away
since they found my stash and bong.

NEXT:

Mr. Morton was lonely, Mr. Morton was

Mr. Morton was lonely, Mr. Morton was
wondering what to do, when he got a buzz
from a friend
in the end
they talked all night, just because.

NEXT: Dining out in Tokyo is really very pricey

Dining out in Tokyo is really very pricey
Especially if you have the fugu, it can be quite dicey
For a slip of chef's knife
Can put an end to your life
If the poison sac is not removed quite precisely.

NEXT

I ate foie gras in gay Paris (pronounce "Paree")

I ate foie gras in gay Paree
I stayed in a villa on Capri
There was a hassle
In a German castle
And that was my European spree

NEXT:

On a moonlit night did I dance

On a moonlit night did I dance
With Senor Widebottom, in his oversized pants
We did the waltz
But slipped on some schmaltz
Then on roulette took a chance.

NEXT: A dog walked into a bar on Naltor

A dog walked into a bar on Naltor
And said to the waitress I like your halter
I knew you'd say that
Now go chase a cat
Said the dream lass, and who can fault her?

NEXT:

I took a chance and spun the wheel

I took a chance and spun the wheel
Of life, - and groaned. I made a deal
Like Dr. Faust
And now I joust
With devils, though my fate they seal.

NEXT: Inside a jacket from a jumble sale

Inside a jacket from a jumble sale
I found a curious copper nail
I took out my hammer
And gave it the slammer
But hit my thumb and boy did I wail.

P.S. Fat Cramer, your last limerick was most excellent.

NEXT:

Come with me to the Caspian Sea

Come with me to the Caspian Sea
or to the coast of Normandy
With a kiss
Said "yes", the miss
and together did the lovers flee.

NEXT:
Anita's gonna get her kicks tonight

Anita's gonna get her kicks tonight
Wearin' that leather mini oh-so-tight
The dudes will drool
Each one a fool
But with Anita - none will see dawn's light.

NEXT

She's stepping out to paint the town red

I think we should have a contest now. Each limmerist (is there such a word) should choose whichever limmerick he or she considers to be his or her best and we should let LW choose the best. We could do it as a poll. Good idea

or bad idea

?

I don't know. The idea of going through 17 pages to select my best is a little daunting.

I know, it will be a hard choice for you, Quis. But you can do. I just know you can!

I don't like voting for "best of" anything because it's difficult to choose and the criteria are fuzzy. Funniest, most challenging, most lyrical.

It's often surprising, however, when you ask someone to choose their best work in whatever medium, what they actually choose. You're often left scratching the old noggin.

This response should have been in limerick form, but I'm lazy.

Okay, I'm overruled.

Back to the business at hand. I think we were at ---

NEXT:

She's stepping out to paint the town red

She's stepping out to paint the town red
And so she looks under her bed
For brushes and paint
But red there just ain't
And so paints it purple instead.

Next:
He took his shoes out for a shine

He took his shoes out for a shine
I wish he had also taken mine
I am keen
on being clean
I even wash my filthy swine.

NEXT:

Come out, come out, wherever you are

Come out, come out, whereever you are
We're all having a drink at SHAKES Bar
Gay or straight
Just don't be late
'Cause when you're there you are a star.

NEXT:

Cheeta, my chimp, go find Boy

Cheeta, my chimp, go find Boy
Take him and his new toy
to Iraq's front lines
to hunt for land mines,
for we've run out of men to deploy.

NEXT:
Where no man has gone before

Where no man has gone before
there is no need to mop the floor
There is no mud
or spilt blood
And, alas, no haberdashery store

NEXT:

I went to a theater on Broadway

I went to a theater on Broadway
To see a Tennessee Williams play
Stella, Stella
Shouted the fella,
But he was no more butch than Fay Wray.

NEXT

"I vant to drink your blood," he whined

"I vant to drink your blood," he whined.
"It should be tested," she opined.
"I'll take my chance,
It's not romance,
Ve haven't time for double blind."

NEXT: The dog that barked in the stormy night

The dog that barked in the stormy night,
did so in a fit of ghastly fright.
Fido heard the sound
of another hound
howling at the flash of 'lectric light.

NEXT:

Of this truth I am quite certain.

Of this truth I am quite certain
I like the films by Tim Burton
He has the knack
Let me get a snack
before the rise of the curtain

(Aside: FC, I really liked your last one)

NEXT:

From your first cigarette

From your first cigarette
You began to die, Odette
The false dream
Of nicotine
Shall be your downfall yet.

NEXT

I like it when you purse your lips

(I agree with Quis, FC. Your limericks are really literary and witty. And Quis, you're no slouch yourself.)

I like it when you purse your lips
I quiver when you wiggle your hips
My knees get weak
My voice a squeak
I really have to come to grips.

NEXT:

A boy like that will kill your brother

A boy like that will kill your brother
And break the heart of your mother
Who is that boy?
Oh don't be coy,
You know it's you, not another.

NEXT

Writing this fills my heart with sorrow

Writing this fills my heart with sorrow
More troubles I don't need to borrow
I just make due
and always feel blue
But I still hope to be here tomorrow

NEXT:

One fine day in old Calcutta

One fine day in old Calcutta
I went shopping with my mutta
Nothing free
She bought ghee
Which I thought resembled butta.

(Quislet, what in heaven's name did you have in mind to rhyme with "Calcutta"?)

NEXT: We rented a sailboat on Nantucket

Quote

Originally posted by Fat Cramer:

(Quislet, what in heaven's name did you have in mind to rhyme with "Calcutta"?)

Must be my Boston accent.

Calcutta
cutter
flutter
shudder
shutter
sputter
another

We rented a sailboat on Nantucket,
wrote a book of limericks, and stuck it
to a girl who lived there
who, once on a dare,
wore on her head, not a hat, but a bucket.

Nantucket...hitting below the belt, FC.

NEXT:

"It's Titan," he said, "not Uranus."

"It's Titan,' he said, "not Uranus"
Oh my how he can fuss and fuss
Be he teacher
or preacher
He refuses to even discuss

NEXT

He searched for the right word

He searched for the right word
she heard the wrong word
she answered curtly
he declined pertly
she flipped him a bird

NEXT:

Can I do any worse?

Can I do any worse?
I spend my time on silly verse
But what the hell
I might as well
Enjoy it, or be in the hearse.

Now to celebrate those Boston accents....

NEXT: A doctor of Physics in Harvard Yard

A doctor of Physics in Harvard Yard
Gave his caaah keys to the paahking lot gaahd
When he retuuhned fawh his Foohd
He shrieked, "Oh my Gaawd!
I can't find my Visa ohw MastuhCaahd!"

NEXT:
If I were back home in Mobile. (mo-BEEL')

If I were back home in Mobile.
I pray I was global,
around the world i'd rome
everywhere would be home
until i found that precious opal

NEXT
At the country club

At the country club
People will snub
Unless you're rich
In which
Case you'll be the hub.

NEXT:

Help me with my buttons, mother dear

Help me with my buttons, mother dear
I just can't reach those in back, I fear
I don't want a scandal
On my date with Randal
Even if he is a wee bit queer.

NEXT:

A frisky young orca came calling

A frisky young orca came calling
The smell of his breath was apalling
The stench of raw crill
and other sea-kill
Made Red Lobster stock start falling.

NEXT:
If I had been born on Trom

If I had been born on Trom
I could have turned water into Dom
Perignon
And chiffon
To velvet scented with lemonbalm.

NEXT: Watching the river roll by

Watching the river roll by
I let out a dreamy sigh
It's a bummer
that during summer
The days really seem to fly.

NEXT:

I'm going to the opera and ballet

I'm going to the opera and ballet
But that doesn't mean that I'm gay.
Though when the fat lady sings
I'll gather my things
And run off with a dancer named Jay.

NEXT:
While shopping for tools at Home Depot.

While shopping for tools at Home Depot
My car was subject to the men of repo
I couldn't pay my bills
because I was ill
I guess I shouldn't have bought the Peugot

NEXT:

Help me find a rhyme

Help me find a rhyme
For the price of one thin dime
Else just for fun
I'll fondle a nun
And end up doing time.

NEXT:

I was shocked by Sister Mary Louise

I was shocked by Sister Mary Louise
as she soared on the scary trapeze
Her five o'clock shadow
made her look like F. Castro
or those French mimes with hairy goatees.

NEXT:
He said, "To thine own self be true."

He said, "To thine own self be true."
As he made his societal debut
But I concluded
he's self deluded
To think he looks good in ecru.

NEXT:

I've longed to be a lumberjack

I've longed to be a lumberjack
And cut the old oak tree out back
But I stay my hand
And spare the land
From my arboreal attack.

NEXT:

He likes to wear a silver thong

(If we've done this one before, let me know and I'll post a different one.)

He likes to wear a silver thong
And stay out drinking all night long
I'd take him home
let my hands roam
except of course, that would be wrong.

NEXT:

I think we lost his silver thong.

I think we lost his silver thong
Because it attracted a throng
So indulge
his bulge
As it comes on strong

NEXT:

I'm going on a hot air balloon

I'm going on a hot air ballon
Yup, it's true, I'm going real soon
I'll ride so high
In the clear blue sky
So I can show the world my rosy moon.

NEXT:

I took the train to Istanbul

I took the train to Istanbul
and caught a bus there to Kabul
Rode my bike into Tehran
Caught a plane, flew to Milan
Now, I'm home, broke, tired -- a fool.

NEXT:
Come sit with me; I have a secret.

Come sit with me; I have a secret.
I heard it from a snowy egret.
He said "D'you know,
That that old crow
Has left his wife for some young eaglet?"

Next up:
Help me please. My tummy hurts.

Help me please. My tummy hurts.
I should not have dined at Burt's
In the mood
For greasy food
Now I have my just desserts.

Next: I like to sleep at the Symphony

I'd like to sleep at the symphony
It drives all waking desire from me
Through Haydn, I'd snore
Schubert's a bore
And Vivaldi make for dull company.

NEXT:

My best friend at Legion World

My best friend at Legion World
sang and danced and twirled
but at the party
drank too hardy
and what was eaten now was hurled

NEXT:

Now I am back to work

Now I am back to work
For that awful midget jerk
He makes me toil
In motor oil
And then calls it a perk.

NEXT:

I like to shave that part of me

I like to shave that part of me
that very few get to see
Alack
I mean my back
What did you think? tee hee

NEXT:

Polly walked to the grocery store

Polly walked to the grocery store
Cooking supper was such a bore
So she went
And money spent
At the take-out deli right next door.

NEXT: When I went fishing in a Zodiac

When I went fishing in a Zodiac,
soon I had read the latest almanac
I got Pices
cut to slices
by the trolling motor coming back.

NEXT:

Ne'er had been seen such large crowds,

When I went fishing in a Zodiac
I met a bear from Kodiak
He was mean
And I was green
so to the lodge, I went back.

NEXT:

A young lady from The South

A young lady from the south
Saw a man as she came out.
At her ball,
he was tall
as the tales from his mouth.

Next:

Ne'er had been seen such large crowds,

Ne'er had been seen such large crowds
to see an exhibition of shrouds
The showing was poor
There would have been more
Except for the gathering storm clouds.

NEXT:

A young lady fron The South

Oh my.

either someone else can make a new limerick from my line or Tamper Lad, you can write a new opening line

Causality loop, thread collapsing

Here I'll reboot the thread.

Next:

There once was a dandy from Virgina.

There once was a dandy from Virginia
Who married a girl named Lavinia
She had money
So was his honey
But he loved many others. What a sin, ja?

NEXT (hee hee!): Causality loop, thread collapsing

Causality loop, thread collapsing
Our sense of timing lapsing
Don't know who
will go after you
Deja vu! are we relapsing?

NEXT:

A virile young man from Daxam

A virile young man from Daxam
Lived every day by this maxim:
"Protect the weak,
The mild and the meek,
And defend 'em when someone attacks 'em."

Next:
I crossed a rabbit with a squirrel

"I crossed a rabbit with a squirrel."
said my wife's cousin Earl.
"And isn't it quite funny
to see the Easter bunny
Hide his nuts in the basket of a girl."

NEXT:

I once knew a great Jazz singer.

I once knew a great Jazz singer
A voice like Ella's - a dead ringer
Wow o wow
She's the cat's meow
I suppose you want this line to be a zinger.

NEXT:

Nothing is worse than writer's block

Nothing is worse than writer's block
To get started you need a shock
So once an hour
Take a cold shower
That's sure to nudge your bio clock.

NEXT:

With pen in hand, I bequeath thee

With pen in hand, I bequeath thee
The Persian carpet beneath thee
A table and chairs
The lamp up the stairs
And the suit in which I did meet thee.

Next:
A Highlander wearing a kilt

A highlander wearing a kilt
guided me with his claymore's hilt
as he screamed Cha geill,
with pen he would draw
a lovely thistle 'fore fall's wilt.

(cha geill is pronounced KAY YAW, and the thistle is the national flower of Scotland)

NEXT
There once was a President from Texas.

There once was a President from Texas
Who rode o'er the range in his Lexus
While resting at Crawdad
He thought it was too bad
Ms. Sheehan might know what a hex is.

NEXT: A penguin who slept on an ice floe

A penguin who slept on an ice floe
Woke to see an Antarctic ice show
With skating Adelies
Gentoos on their bellies
And a rockhopper juggling kite's roe.

Next:
I was walking along with my beagle

I was walking along with my beagle
Looking and feeling most regal
then a robber with a smirk
stole my pants and shirt
And now I am walking around illegal.

NEXT:

What should one do when feeling blue?

What should one do when feeling blue
And one's life is a tasteless stew?
Quislet's advice,
Is add some spice,
By finding someone you can sue.

NEXT:

When sunning naked at the shore

When sunning naked at the shore,
I fell asleep and I did snore.
in the sun... I baked,
till my skin... it flaked.
At work once more, I'm now quite sore.

NEXT:
School began this September day

School began this September day
And I'm feeling far from gay
I'll not be free
'Till I get my degree,
Sometime towards the end of May.

NEXT:

I think I'll climb the old flag pole

I think I'll climb the old flag pole
And fulfill my assumed role
Around town
I am known as a clown
little do they know my serious soul.

NEXT:

The mate was a mighty sailin' man

The mate was a mighty sailin' man
For three years that show ran
Then rerun for ever.
We'll miss you, Bob Denver!
Everyone on Legion World is a fan!

Next:
I spread butter on a hot scone

I spread butter on a hot scone,
the butter is all warm and runny
If but one drop spills to the floor,
To fall over will not be so funny

NEXT: The boy stood on the burning deck

The boy stood on the burning deck
and waved as others passed the wreck
he was very brave
yet hoped to be saved
but all they did was rubber neck.

NEXT:

Wedding bells did start to ring

Just a reminder, limericks are 5 lines long and have the following rhyme scheme: a,a,b,b,a

Lines 1,2 and 5 have approximately the same number of syllables, as do lines 3 and 4. Lines 3 and 4 have fewer syllables than lines 1, 2, and 5.

Wedding bells did start to ring
And the choir began to sing
A serenade
In heaven made
To join the lady and the king.

NEXT:

Alas my ship is going down

Alas my ship is going down
Along with my life of renown
I breathe the sea
It seems to me
Okay, as my anxieties drown.

NEXT: A cockroach has a splendid life

A cockroach has a splendid life
It scurries about where food is rife
But not for very long
Soon comes its swan song
Because Raid kills it as surely as a knife

Next: Three cheers for the cotton candy man

Three cheers for the cotton candy man
when he got here, the fun began
bringing joy
to girl & boy
And holes to my teeth & dental plan.

NEXT:

I'm surprized the thread got this far

I'm surprised the thread got this far
Of course, we like a good har-har
And limericks
Are not for hicks
And we are all well above par.

NEXT: A meteor was coming close to Earth

A meteor was coming close to Earth
Of solutions, there was a dearth
We are doomed
It can be assumed
I will be sad for what it's worth.

NEXT:

If I had a genie in a bottle

If I had a genie in a bottle
I'd use my wishes slowly, not full throttle:
Good health for my beagle,
And the flight of an eagle
For a certain waterbird best known to waddle.

Next:
As I wait for my tea water to boil...

As i wait for my tea water to boil
I notice quite an amazing sight
The milk had churned
The biscuits had burned
And now day has turned into night

NEXT: Fuzzy-Wuzzy was a bear

Fuzzy-Wuzzy was a bear
Had a product called Nair
He became a twinkie
And just a little kinky
He used some even down there.

NEXT:

I took a trip to Spain

I took a trip to Spain
To see the famous rain
That's said by all
To often fall
Upon that central plain.

NEXT:

I hope we all can get it right

I hope we all can get it right
Or there may be a great big fight
The hot new name
Is the Blame Game
Life was simpler back with Dwight.

NEXT: I wish I had a flying carpet

I wish I had a flying carpet
So cooler than a Lear jet
In the sky
Up so high
Yet airsick I might get.

NEXT:

There once was an old maid

There once was an old maid
In China; she sold jade
Along the Yangtze
making communists angry.
Now she works for Kitson and Waid.

Next:

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez
C'etait un soiree pour danser.
Mes liasons,
c'est les raisons
Pours tous les peres enrager.

Next:
There once was a poet from France.

There once was a poet from France
Who never got a second glance
Then he bought a Mercedes
and now all the ladies
make with the wooing and romance.

NEXT:

I am stuck with writer's block

I am stuck with writer's block.
It's better than a writer's sock.
If your groin is itchin.
It's no use to be bitchin,
You might be stuck with writer's jock.

Next:

My dear ol' Pappy is proud...

My dear ol' Pappy is proud
and says it out loud
He went to jail
and didn't fail
to come out of it unbowed.

NEXT

I went to the fair on Castro Street

I went to the fair on Castro Street
An incident happened that i cannot repeat
Of two Scot gentlemen dancing
With kilts flying and prancing
Their underwear lying under their feet

Next: I lost something of mine

I lost something of mine.
Mike Grell's art was devine
on the comic book
that my girlfriend took
and soaked in cheap red wine

NEXT: Thankfully that didn't happen.

Thankfully that didn't happen
It is only a might have been
To be fair
in a nightmare
It would occur over & over again.

NEXT:

Happen is a hard word to rhyme

"Happen" is a hard word to rhyme.
Thankfully, "Rhyme" is not that kind.
Although "Garage" is tougher,
And "Orange" still rougher.
Quislet still seams to be rhyming just fine.

Next:

I'm glad that limerick worked out.

I'm glad that limerick worked out.
Though it's dumb to write poetry about
A subject so inane
when there's little to gain
Except adding one to my post count.

NEXT:

A limerick writer's favorite haiku

A limerick writer's favorite haiku,
Has seventeen syllables, it's true.
Lines of five seven five.
Full of Nantuckian Jive,
And dirtier than the floor at Apu's.

Next:

It's the Itchy and Scratchy Show...

It's the Itchy and Scratchy Show:
Not the one Bart and Lisa know.
This one, on the contrary,
Is a documen-tary
On the bite of the mosquito.

Next:
He stood there bouncing his pecs...

He stood there bouncing his pecs
She rolled her eyes and thought "What's next?"
The first date
She wasn't irate
Just thought that she should drink more Becks.

NEXT: If kids would eat their broccoli

If kids would eat their broccoli
They wouldn't get so colicky
It is know
and has been shown
That kids think it is very icky.

NEXT:

Three guests will visit my house

Three guests will visit my house
One of whom will bring a mouse
To liven up the proceedings
Against my abject heedings
Coz it might frighten the spouse

NEXT: What to do on a weekend

What to do on a weekend?
What about doing some drinkin?
Drinks of barley and hopps,
Hard grains, or just Schnapps.
Until my nose is a red blinkin beacon.

NEXT:

I can't think of a topic...

I can't think of a topic,
But to be philisophic,
To end a line
With a word hard to rhyme
Is a tiny bit misanthropic.

Next:
Legion World is lots of fun...

Legion World is lots of fun.
Even when I've got to run.
Interesting chats,
Nellies with hats,
And new slang learned by the ton.

NEXT:
I rowed the river in a boat.

I rowed the river in a boat
Which i was told would probably float
After a while it was a hell of a bore
Rowing with just one oar
Who knew what i was wearing under my coat?

NEXT: Saturday morning cartoons

Saturday morning cartoons
I haven't seen in many moons
Some bad, some good
A part of childhood
Now I watch soaps most afternoons.

NEXT:

A young lad with a clever mind

A young lad with a clever mind
one who's firm, yet gentle and kind
would find in a minute
my bed with him in it
and that soon he'd be in quite a bind.

NEXT:

The best thing I did today

The best thing I did today
Was go and sit down by the bay
And watch the birds
Release their turds
On trophy wives out to play.

NEXT:

She left him for another man

She left him for another man
At least that was the plan
She picked a guy
who was bi
and to her ex he ran.

NEXT:

The gay young couple at the beach

The gay young couple at the beach
were barely within my reach.
As they rolled in the sand
I offered a hand
though much more was accepted by each.

NEXT:

While wearing my lycra shorts,

While wearing my lycra shorts,
I like to play outdoor sports
But when I'm indoors
I take off my drawers
And play games of other sorts.

NEXT:

I fixed my hair with a fine bristle brush

While wearing my lycra shorts,
I was going to play some sports
But something did grow
and started to show
As recorded in the arrest reports.

NEXT:

At Aunt Millie's tea party

I fixed my hair with a fine bristle brush
and dressed in a velvet suit - very plush
I was in a spot
my pants I forgot
Because I was in such a very big rush.

NEXT:
At Aunt Millie's tea party

At Aunt Millie's tea party,
The biscuits were delicious, yet hearty.
I heard someone utter,
"They're better with butter!"
These words came from James Moriarty.

Next:

The game is a foot.

edit: The more I thought about the line, the more I had to shorten it. It just wasn't starting out rhythm-wise to be a limerick.

The game is a foot,
Is how it was put.
When the chase had began,
Holmes' pipe in his hand,
Full of tobacco and soot.

Next:

Rachel read about The Vicker.

(edit)
Sorry about answering my own limerick, but the more I thought about trying to rhyme "foot" two times and make sense, the harder it got, and when I finally got something that fit, I couldn't pass it up.

Rachel read about The Vicker
After drinking lots of liquor
She's a punk
when drunk
And got into a fight with her vicar.

NEXT:

On a sunny day in June

On a sunny day in June.
A witch was cleaning her room.
Her time she did bide,
then wound up outside,
flying around on her broom.

Next:

The Cubs stink again.

Sorry about this, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to be a self abusing Cub fan.

The Cubs stink again.
But you knew that would happen my friend.
Each Spring they start fresh.
Then they lose more than less.
And it's "Wait 'til next year" again.

Next,

My wife has the pertiest face.

My wife has the prettiest face
Full of wisdom and grace
If I ponder
to let my eye wander
She will put me in my place.

NEXT:

A Cubs fan vents his rage

A Cubs fan vents his rage.
Nothing new in this day and age.
But year after year,
In the Bleachers with beer,
To win they require a Mage.

Next:

Not another email from my sister

Not another email from my sister
Though since she's gone, I've really missed her
She's in Tibet
With a monk she met
When she left her hubby who never kissed her.

NEXT:

The life of a dog is really sweet

Ohmygod, I can do this...

The life of a dog is really sweet
being loved and cuddled is neat
and trotting round the track
blue ribbon on my back
means I get a better cut of meat!

NEXT:
My kid sister is such a brat

My kid sister is such a brat
She sat on my favorite hat
So when wearing my tweeds
I can't dress like EDEs
Where's my baseball bat?!?

NEXT:
Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub
One asked "My back will you scrub?"
Jerry Falwell fainted
said they were tainted
I asked "What's all the hubbub?"

NEXT:

One day I went to the zoo

One day I went to the zoo.
I had nothing better to do.
First I fed the monkeys,
then petted the donkeys,
and painted the Gorilla's bum blue.

next:

The luckiest man alive...

The luckiest man alive
Got home well after five
Unconcerned
The dinner burned
Would his wife's wrath he survive?

NEXT:

I am very bored at work

"I am very bored at work."
I said with a suggestive smirk.
Given the chance
I'll take off my pants
and try not to act like a jerk.

NEXT:

Is there in truth no beauty?

Is there in truth no beauty?
In truth it sounds a bit fruity
Give me something macho
Like beer and nachos
And not something so snooty

NEXT:

I took an unexpected turn

I took an unexpected turn
And crashed into a potted fern.
I was covered with sores,
For I'm allergic to spores.
And thus a lesson I did learn.

Next:
I opened my black umbrella

I opened my black umbrella
And started to read Vampirella
The rain came down
And I noticed a frown
On the man next to me. Silly fella.

NEXT: There once was a dog who ate chickens

There once was a dog who ate chickens,
If you wait the plot it will thicken.
If you're not sure,
that the chicken is pure.
At least it's his balls he's not lickin.

NEXT:

There's nothing on broadcast TV.

There's nothing on broadcast TV.
So let's all write bad poetry
Limericks for you
For me, a haiku
Scrap that, let's all play sexually.

NEXT:

He showed off his hairy chest

There's nothing on broadcast TV
At least nothing I want to see
Plots that are dumb
Leave me feeling glum
I'd much rather write poetry.

NEXT:

To think I saw it on Mulberry Street

He showed off his hairy chest,
Much better than all the rest.
To nuzzle those pecs
Is better than sex,
And so there I made my nest.

Next:
A woman with a husky voice

A woman with a husky voice
is cause to rejoice
Unless you see
That she's a he
Who goes by the name of Joyce

NEXT:

To think I saw it on Mulberry Street

To think I saw it on Mulberry Street,
A parade of remarkable feat.
People came from afar,
By truck and by car
To watch people walk in the heat.

Next (with apologies to The Beatles):

There lived a boy named Rocky Raccoon.

There lived a boy named Rocky Raccoon
Whose dad was an otter and mom a baboon
He was all mixed up
That cute little pup
Unil he fell in love with a three footed loon.

NEXT:

I went to the black and white ball

I went to the black and white ball.
I wasn’t planning on being appalled.
But to my chagrin,
Naw, It couldn’t have been…
Michael Jackson was all that I saw.

Next:

I'm leaving on an airplane.

I'm leaving on an airplane
It will take too long to explain
I'm not afraid
or underpaid
Just two words - Candy cane

NEXT:

A nice young man in the park

A nice young man in the park,
Suddenly started to bark.
Then he stripped off his clothes,
and waggled his "hose".
The cops wrote him up as a "Lark".

Next:

Whenever the muse strikes me

Whenever the muse strikes me
I write some wretched poetry
She drinks too much
She's out of touch
A second-rate Calliope.

NEXT: A cold wind chased me down the street

A cold wind chased me down the street
But I tripped over my big feet
While on the ground
I looked around
For a grate spewing steam heat.

NEXT:

On a dare I kissed a frog

On a dare I kissed a frog
And he turned into a dog.
And quick as that,
I was a cat
He chased me. The rest is a fog.

Next:
I took a journey on a train

I took a journey on a train
And let me make this very plain
I travelled in coach
With a talking roach
Whose chatter drove me quite insane.

NEXT:

I took a journey on a ship

I took a journey on a ship
Looking cool and talking flip
Thought i had made an impression
bordering on obsession
til i saw my open zip

NEXT: G-string bikinis are fun to wear

G-string bikinis are fun to wear
But not if you have lots of hair
On your bum
Or on your tum
You need to wax or use some Nair.

NEXT

Bodacious Lola cleaned her gun

Bodacious Lola cleaned her gun
While she watched "Run, Lola, Run"
She liked the show
But didn't know
If she should snuff her honey-bun.

NEXT: Back when life was copacetic

Back when life was copacetic
and many people went heretic
Nobody knew
What murders would do
Or how to make those charges stick

NEXT: Beauty contests should be banned

Beauty contests should be banned,
There's nothing dumber in the land
Than to hear a bleached blonde
Who twirls a baton
And talks like her head's full of sand.

Next:
Someone left the cake out in the rain

Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I swear some people have no shame.
The fate of the cake
Still keeps me awake.
My life will never be the same.

Next:

Its another Limerick

Its another Limerick
and may make you sick.
To rhyme
all the time
is quite a nifty trick

NEXT:

On a trip to the White House

Its another Limerick
Enough to drive me batty
Can't think of a thing
To make the verse ring
Without making it sound catty

NEXT: These are a few of my favourite things

On a trip to the White House.
I chance upon a spotted mouse.
She said to me
Cant you see
Dubya is away hunting grouse.

These are a few of my favourite things
Cocktails, boys, cars, diamond rings
It takes much money
to buy those honey
So I'm dumping you for that guy who sings.

NEXT:
While dancing across the parquet floor

While dancing across the parquet floor
I saw a cute boy whom I adore
What he's got
makes me hot
Oh how I hope to score.

NEXT:

Where shall I get my inspiration?

Where shall I get my inspiration?
From a Fat Cramer or Semi incantation?
For they seem at the head,
of this lyrical thread.
They lead this Inspired Invasion.

Next:

My favorite time of the year...

My favorite time of the year
Is when you return to me my dear,
From your trips abroad
To teach about God
That's when I hold you o' so near.

(Who'd a thunk I'd come up with a missionary limmerick)?)

NEXT:

Into the azul sea I dove

Into the azul sea I dove
and over verdant plains I rove
to doff my clothes
and feel the wind blows
One with nature I did strove

NEXT:

Three guests will be at my home

Three guests will be at my home.
I really shouldn't leave them alone.
But I have a date,
With Promiscuous Kate,
That I'd rather not have to postpone.

Next (with apologies to Santana):

I got a Black Magic Woman

I got a Black Magic Woman
and she does all that she can
Cooking a dish
or landing a fish
She is inferior to no man.

NEXT:

An old maid rode on the bus

An old maid rode the bus
Attired with girdle and truss
Below her dress
And I must confess
It made her fidget and fuss.

NEXT:

I wish I could fly like an eagle

An old maid rode on the bus
And boy did she ever fuss
When she heard
That nasty word
From a boy learning to cuss.

NEXT:

My granny wore a push-up bra

You beat me to it, Vee.

I wish I could fly like an eagle,
But sadly it's really illegal
I stay on the ground
Because I 'm a hound
Not Rocky the flying Beagle.

NEXT:

My granny wore a push-up bra

My granny wore a push-up bra
She bought at a beauty spa.
It gave her a lift,
So she put on a shift
And walked out and shouted ta-da!

Next:
She cut her a big wedge of stilton

She cut her a big wedge of Stilton
Which she bought at the Paris Hilton
But it made her breath
Smell like death
And all her friends, they were a wiltin'.

NEXT:

The President asked who cut the cheese

The President asked who cut the cheese
Karl Rove declared, "it was the Chinese."
So armed forces departed
because Cheney farted
after eating some cabbage and peas.

NEXT:

His chest was all covered with hair.

His chest was all covered with hair
His face was handsome and fair
The front of his pants
Contained no implants.
Excuse me, but I am there.

NEXT:
I hope that satisfied Lad Boy

I hope that satisfied Lad Boy.
If it didn't, he'd be such a sad boy.
But if he behaves,
For thirteen more days,
They'll spank him and call him a "Bad Boy".

Next:

A birthday card sent from my Dad...

A birthday card sent from my Dad
was something that I really had
not forseen
for Dad has been
gone for 15 years. Egad!

NEXT: A dolphin shot a poison dart-gun

A dolphin shot a poison-dart gun
Thinking it loads of fun
Acting on orders
From opposing coastal borders
The war had just begun

NEXT: I can't get you out of my head

"I can't get you out of my head."
I believe that's what Kylie said.
But if she knew me,
She'd see right through me.
And think of some other guy instead.

Next:

This fellow was a dead ringer...

I can't get you out of my head
I should be doing work instead
I'm off at three
so come and see me
And I won't let you out of my bed.

NEXT:

I got a job as a bank guard

This fellow was a dead ringer
for a very famous singer
But he was brash
and poor white trash
So he ended up on Jerry Springer

NEXT: I got a job as a bank guard

I got a job as a bank guard.
I'd be better served as a bard.
All day I would nurse
Pentameters and verse
And deliver lines like Picard.

Next:

There once was a lady named Ginger...

There once was a lady named Ginger
who had a tall fence around her
Trying to sneak
a naughty peak
The Skipper caused his back to injure.

NEXT:

I don't think that was so good

I don't think that was so good.
But you did the best that you could.
Ginger is hard to rhyme
And kinda sublime
But when we married I stood.

Aside:
Sorry about that Quis, but my wife wanted to see what one of this thread's limerick-ists would do with her name. I promise not to do that again. I figured we'd get injure in there... or maybe syringer... or singer (as in someone who was more singed). But I'm glad I didn't have to rhyme it.

Next:

There once was a gent who was dandy...

"I don't think that was so good.
Now I think that you should
drop down and thank me
Then beg, "Lad, please spank me."
And I will when you put on this hood.

There once was a gent who was dandy
and with the ladies quite handy
The song of his life
cuts like a knife
if you're a yankee like my cousin andy.

NEXT:

I'm really quite easy to please.

I'm really quite easy to please
and I like being thought a tease
enough fooling
time for some "schooling"
Master says "Drop to your knees!"

NEXT:

A young lad in Greenwich Village

A young lad in Greenwich Village
Went asea in order to pillage.
He created a rancor
and ran into a tanker
That led to some major spillage.

Next:

A young lady bowed to the king...

A young lady bowed to the king
And on bended knee kissed his ring
Please do not lay siege
To our home my liege
For my father died this morning.

NEXT:

The warrior rode into the dell

The warrior rode into the dell
and spied a young maiden at the well
He had to think
as she gave him a drink
"I have fallen under her spell."

NEXT:

I can't wait for the convention

I can't wait for the convention.
I wouldn't expect much contention.
There'll be lots of laughing,
Guffaws and some gaffing,
With no chance of receiving detention.

Next:

Have fun and down some for me...

Have fun and down some for me
Brewskies, that is, not tea
But don't get so drunk
You fall down ker-plunk
And end up in bed with Red Bee.

NEXT:

She was wearing hot pants and heels

She was wearing hot pants and heels
And paying for it with some meals
This sassy lady is so plucky
At times she gets lucky
I wish i knew how it feels

NEXT: Friendships are so nice to have

Friendships are so nice to have.
In many ways an emotional salve.
For when problems are shared
With others that care
The burdens seem to be halved.

Aside: I'm going to have to watch Steel Magnolias or Four Weddings and a Funeral now. Who knew I had such sap in me? ugh!

Next (and lets try to get dirty people, ok

):

I went out one night with a stripper...

I went out one night with a stripper
who went by the name Jack Tripper
He was so hairy
And a Muscle Mary
I couldnt wait to go gripper

NEXT: Subways make a poor diet

Subways make a poor diet
I don't know who would try it.
But I won't deny,
To see someone try
To eat a train would be a riot.

Next:
Words mean different things.

Words mean different things
To lovers and one-time flings.
"Forever" means "now,"
but that isn't how
we meant it when we bought these rings.

NEXT:

I can't wait to dance on your grave.

I can't wait to dance on your grave
I'll ever hold a new wave rave
we'll hold a party
because you are a smarty
and together we'll do the wave.

Here at the convention
we caused a sensation
Pov got arrested
Quis got bested
On Legion World there is a celebration.

NEXT:

What did you do while Quis was away?

What did you do while Quis was away?
Twas a shock to hear that one day
Legion World cried
And some of us "died"
In your honour we all turned gay

NEXT: Wet Speedo contests should never be ignored

Wet Speedo contests should never be ignored
But Quislet actually scored
Cobalt Kid thrusted
and Abin got busted
But Pov and STU were still bored

Next:
I dreamed of blue toxic waste

I dreamed of blue toxic waste.
It had a bittersweet taste.
It stuck to my shoe,
Like high-quality glue,
So I used it as wallpaper paste.

Next:
A quiet Saturday at home.

A quiet Saturday night at home
Is often spent with my friend the gnome
He lives neath a tree
Not too far from me
Just south of the Houston Astro Dome.

NEXT:

I took my doggies to the park

As a matter of fact, Semi, I pass the Astrodome every day on my way to work!

I took my doggies to the park
To run and jump and play and bark.
We checked every tree,
Were chased by a bee,
And stayed there till well after dark.

Next!
Oh dear! I'm out of clean socks!

Oh dear, i'm out of clean socks
I wish i could pull my hair out by the locks
Im in trouble most foul
I wanted to go to a bar right now
Coz i use socks to fill out my jocks*

*EDITORS NOTE: Jocks are the generic Aussie term for underwear that are briefer than "briefs"

NEXT: The creative well has gone dry

The creative well has gone dry
Alas! I pout and moan and cry
Try something new
like a Legion haiku
Or maybe a new trough to ply.

NEXT:

Most people have a dirty mind

Most people have a dirty mind.
I'm thankful mine is of that kind.
It makes limericks fuller
'cause clean ones are duller.
And reading the clean ones is always a grind.

Next:

There once was a guy named Brutus...

There once was a guy named Brutus
A nomad who was rootless
I said "Don't roam,
Come to my home.
You have talents to suit us."

NEXT:

Thank heavens for Legion World

Thank heavens for Legion World
Else where would I have my hair curled
Oh, it's not a salon?
How could I be wrong?
Unless my mind has unfurled.

(Okay, it was lame, I'll admit)

NEXT

Be quiet for I have work to do

Be quiet for I have work to do
Your loud breathing's a distraction, too.
When I hear you sigh
I think,"Oh my, my!"
Work'll wait; so I come visit you.

NEXT:

There one was a welder named Lance.

Be quiet for I have work to do
Don't bother me! Shoo! Shoo!
I must be quick
with a limerick,
Because my boss is tapping her shoe!

NEXT:

My boss comes in very late

There once was a welder named Lance
After work he would skip and prance
I think he may
be very gay
I met him at the Tea Dance.

NEXT:

My boss comes in very late

My boss comes in very late.
Her name is Promiscuous Kate.
She's known for her morals,
Dictations and orals,
And some things I shouldn't relate.

Next:

This here is a "family" board...

This here is a "family" board...
Uncle Billy Bob said when he scored
another hot date
with his cousin Kate
in the back seat of my Mom's old Ford.

NEXT:

You're disgusting, wretched, and sick.

You're disgusting, wretched, and sick.
Came out of Shady's mouth quick.
But no one could harm her
Thanks to her crotch armor,
And the darkness around her was thick.

Next:

A Legion recruit named Canus...

A Legion recruit named Canus
Had a power that was quite heinous
When that hound was around
We all hit the ground
For he shot lightning bolts from his anus.

NEXT

I can't believe I just said that

I can't believe I just said that
or that people came here and read that
This thread has gone bad
but frankly I'm glad
though I rather be with you in bed, Matt.

NEXT:

There's nothing impure in my mind.

There's nothing impure in my mind.
But then "impure" should be redefined.
For your view is askew,
From all that I knew.
But then somethings "impure" are just fine.

Next:

There once was a mason from Denver.

There once was a mason from Denver
Who embarked on an ambitious endeavor
He started inspired
But soon got tired
To inquiries, he responds "Whatever!"

NEXT:

Dude wanted to surf to Japan

Dude wanted to surf to Japan.
If he did, he would be, "Da Man".
But said the Dude,
"Hey, What about food?"
And he wiped out on his two cans.

Next:

A man really needs a hobby...

A man really needs a hobby
Said my young nephew Bobby
So I took pains
To play with my trains
In the Baxter Building lobby.

NEXT:

I like to build model ships

I like to build model ships
Pay close attention to the sailors' hips
they're all set in motion
out on the ocean
when the surface rises and dips.

NEXT:

Come sit down beside me; let's talk.

Come sit down beside me; let's talk.
Ask any question. I won't balk
I'll let slip
a little gossip
And as the boys pass by, we'll gawk.

NEXT:

A young man preparing for a date

A young man preparing for a date,
He hopes that he won't have to wait.
Who is the date with?
Any nice young Miss?
He's hoping it's Promiscuous Kate.

Next:

"I want romance!", she said to her man...

"I want romance!", she said to her man...
"I can do that, yes I can."
Quislet walked by
I gave him a try
And we walked off together hand in hand.

NEXT:

He stood there alone in Wal-Mart.

"I want romance!", she said to her man
And I want to get it as fast as I can
My lips are ready
So put it there, Freddy
But wait, let's get in the back of your van.

NEXT:

The windows were wet and covered with steam

He stood there alone in Wal-Mart
Looking at goodies in his cart
There were hand guns
And stockings with runs
Gifts for the gal who stole his heart.

NEXT:

The windows were wet and covered with steam

The windows were wet and covered with steam
Things appeared vague like in a dream
The inuendo
Reach a crescendo
And double entendres were the theme

NEXT:

Is Lad Boy trying to get me in bed?

Is Lad Boy trying to get me in bed?
Or thinking of something else instead?
Maybe he's itchin'
to cook in the kitchen.
What's between all his lines that I've read?

NEXT:

If I looked as good as you do

If I looked as good as you do
I'd go out and roll in some poo
To keep all the girls
From messing my curls
And pinching my rosy cheeks too.

NEXT:

I locked my self out of my house

I locked myself out of the house.
I'd like to get in before my spouse
gets home from France,
cause I'm wearing no pants,
and I don't want her to start to grouse.

NEXT:

My what big...eyes...you have

I locked myself out of my house.
I'm just something short of a louse.
But when she's not there,
to defend herself fair.
I blame everything on my spouse.

Next:

I hope my wife never reads that...

I hope my wife never reads that...
For if she does I am in deep fat
Fried til I'm crispy
Hair no longer wispy
And set out on the front door mat.

NEXT:

My what big...eyes...you have

Not "have" again... you know how hard that word was to rhyme the first time?

Oh well... here goes...

My what big... eyes... you have.
I said from the front seat of my Rav.
It's a five speed stick
That I named "Maverick"
That sometimes I shorten to Mav.

Next:

There once was a bar named Shakes...

There once was a bar named Shakes...
with a bartender there that makes
a drink I must have
with a sunblock lip salve
during fierce solar flare outbreaks.

NEXT:

My how big your...eyes...are!

There once was a bar named Shakes
Where we would play ducks and drakes
Drinks were free
Whoopee!!!!
A lovely place for goodness sakes!

NEXT:

Alex got a gift in the mail

Alex got a gift in the mail
Something else else I found on sale
It was rated triple X
and useful for sex
when traveling by air or by rail.

NEXT:

My how big your...eyes...are!

My how big your...eyes...are!
Would you like to ride in my car?
I know a place
to get to home base
And we don't have to travel too far.

NEXT:

Alex got a gift in the mail

Hehehehehe

Ok Lad Boy, you can think of a new NEXT line

NEXT:

The front seat of a Coupe de Ville..

The front seat of a Coupe de Ville
is a place to feel a thrill
Who knew
a zipper to undo
required such accomplished skill

NEXT:

Walking in the woods lost in thought

Walking in the woods lost in thought,
Holding the basket I'd brought,
I met a wolf, big and bad
And gave him all that I had
Using tricks my grandma once taught.

NEXT:

Is this what you had in mind?

Walking in the woods lost in thought
About the comics that I bought
From bargain bin
There was no sin
I got no art that Liefeld wrought.

NEXT: All I want is ginger beer

All I want is ginger beer
and to have you near
a warm feeling
I find appealing
Two straws will let us share

NEXT:

I took a trip to the store

I took a trip to the store
because we needed some more
personal protection
for your ...ummm...election
the one that I so adore.

NEXT

Is it hot in here; or is it just me?

Is it hot in here or is it just me?
An experiment so we can see
Don't scoff
Clothes off
Oh my! Now it feels now quite breezey.

NEXT:

After being pulled over by a cop

I took a trip to the store.
I heard Kate would be there for sure.
I've heard all about her,
And it's a no-doubter...
That within an hour or two that I'll score.

edit... looks like it took me awhile to compose a good one... lol. both Lad and Quis beat me to it.

keep going with Quislet's line:

After being pulled over by a cop

After being pulled over by a cop,
I heard a thunderous plop.
And there on his belly,
Was a big chunk of jelly,
For he had just left the local Donut Shop.

Next:

There once was a lad name Linus...

There once was a lad name Linus
Who had trouble with his sinus
His nose he blew
with many a tissue
Til he moved to Arizona for the dryness.

NEXT:

Maria went to a masquerade ball

Aside:

Bravo on "dryness"... that's a good one.

Alright, back to the game...

Quote

Originally posted by minesurfer:
Aside:

Bravo on "dryness"... that's a good one.

Alright, back to the game...

I have to admit that I go to this site Rhyme Zone for help figuring out rhyming words

Lol... been there a few times myself. Saved it under my "favorites" just for this thread.

Still, you had to make it work... and that's what I applaud.

Maria went to a masquerade ball.
Costume so hot she thought she might fall.
To aid in her plight,
To restore electrolytes,
She wound up at the Gatorade Ball.

Next...

He walked down the street with a smile...

He walked down the street with a smile
He hadn't been there in a while
the fun
had begun
Then his boyfriend walked down the aisle.

NEXT:

Louis traveled far out west

Louis traveled far out west
Wearing leather chaps and a vest
"I'm really not gay."
He said in L.A.
Cliffhanger endings are sometimes the best.

NEXT:

Ignorance of the law's no excuse

Louis traveled far out west
Dressed up in his Sunday best
He was right
But would not fight
Lest his Sunday hair get messed.

NEXT

He was shocked by what he had seen

Quote

Originally posted by Lad Boy:
Louis traveled far out west
Wearing leather chaps and a vest
"I'm really not gay."
He said in L.A.
Cliffhanger endings are sometimes the best.

As he bared his tatooed chest?
or
I won't kiss, but I'll do the rest.

He was shocked by what he had seen
The outfit was quite obscene
leather chaps and a vest
an exposed hairy chest
so he bought it and made quite a scene

NEXT:
Ignorance of the law's no excuse

Ignorance of the law's no excuse
For fondling and kissing grandma's goose
Just keep it clean
Said Officer Green
As he wandered off with his moose.

NEXT:

He was shocked by what he had seen

Lad Boy, I feel like we've met in the street and can't get around one another. You choose the next

Ignorance of the law is no excuse
when hunting deer or moose
but in the park
after dark
it is an effective ruse.

He was shocked by what he had seen
Jerry Falwell declared it obscene
Adam was disgraced
having no taste
He was the world's ugliest drag queen.

NEXT:

He likes two for one deals

I'll use one of your clever cliffhanger resolutions as the beginning.

As he bared his tattooed chest,
she noticed that he was quite blessed
with tons of brown fur
but he didn't see her
cause he liked STF the best.

NEXT:
I won't kiss, but I'll do the rest.

Quote

Originally posted by Semi Transparent Fellow:
Lad Boy, I feel like we've met in the street and can't get around one another. You choose the next

This happened to me and Lad Boy yesterday.

But I have solved today's dilemma. (or so I thought) It is interesting to see different people's take on the same line. Where they are similar and where they are different.

Quote

Originally posted by Semi Transparent Fellow:
Lad Boy, I feel like we've met in the street and can't get around one another. You choose the next

I hope that if we met in the street we wouldn't be trying to get around each other.

He likes two for one deals
On boyfriends or drinks or hot meals
When we go out shopping
Or better, bar-hopping,
He barters, buys and steals.

NEXT:
I won't kiss, but I'll do the rest.

I won't kiss, but I'll do the rest.
Said Kate as you might have guessed.
For Kate is always bound
to be making the rounds,
And by the looks of her body, She's blessed.

Next:

Kate looked up at me and said, "Next!"

Kate looked up at me and said, "Next!"
I looked back at her quite perplexed
You're not Lad Boy's type
But there's no need to gripe
For Minesurfer's here, undersexed.

NEXT:
This thread can't get out of the gutter.

This thread can't get out of the gutter.
Sometimes it makes me just shudder.
"I'm ready to mate"
Said Promiscuous Kate,
"Roll me up and spread me with butter."

Next:

I've got to go, but I'll be back...

This thread can't get out of the gutter
Lad Boy was heard to mutter
Who do we kid
If it did
We would all give a big shudder.

NEXT:

Once more with feeling

This thread can't get out of the gutter
Even when greased up with butter
Try as I might
To set this thing right
I fail at the task and just sputter.

(Okay, that didn't make a lot of sense)

NEXT

The sun fell in love with the moon,

I've got to go, but I'll be back
Said the soldier boy heading to Iraq
I'll just say
that I'm gay
And I like surprize attacks

NEXT:

Once more with feeling

Once more with feeling
Let's set this thread reeling
With smart quips
Right from our lips
That soar right through the ceiling.

NEXT

The sun fell in love with the moon

"I've got to go but I'll be back."
I said to my good friend, Jack.
"Once more with feeling?"
He asked while still kneeling
"Oh, I'll stay, let's go hit the sack."

NEXT:
There's nothing tawdry 'bout Steven.

Think we need a little traffic control here... lol.

The sun fell in love with the moon
I fell in love on Kathoon
He was quite mighty
lasted all nighty
but the sun rose a little too soon.

NEXT:
There's nothing tawdry 'bout Steven.

Think we need a little traffic control here
For something's a little bit queer
It takes so little time
to make a good rhyme
Instead of posting, I'll go have a beer.

NEXT:
There's nothing tawdry 'bout Steven.

"There's nothing tawdry 'bout Steven."
They said about him as he's leavin.
But Kate followed him out,
And now he's a lout.
And now Steven's wife is a grieven.

Next:

Everybody likes Benevolent Brad...

Everybody likes Benevolent Brad...
He's quite the fabulous lad
Did you know he's hung
a bell that gets rung
each time he makes someone else glad?

NEXT:
I'd like to live in Des Moines.

I'd like to live in Des Moines
If I had enough coin
To go out each night
And treat my self right
To rare filet of beef loin.

NEXT

I search and search up in the sky

I'd like to live in Des Moines.
It would help me to save lots of coins.
In time I'd buy a big Mansion,
with no need for expansion,
Where Kate could make time with my loins.

Next:

My dog is a mangy mongrel

I search and search up in the sky,
Sometimes I never know why.
It's always a riddle
To a chicken named Little,
For the sky never seems to stay high.

Next...

My dog is a mangy mongrel...

My dog is a mangy mongrel,
but if you say so, we'll quarrel
He's my friend
to the very end
Now how do I end this doggerel?

NEXT:

Adam found a lucky piece

Adam found a lucky piece
While he was spending time in Greece
It was rare
A lock of hair
From the King of England's neice.

NEXT

While bathing in the ocean blue

While bathing in the ocean blue,
I started thinking of my old bud Drew.
Thank God for high tide
Else I'd have to hide
That I'd gotten quite excited too.

I'm probably way too late.

I'm probably way too late.
For Drew just ran off with Kate.
And the King of England's niece
Also got a piece,
Did I mention that Kate wasn't straight?

Next:

I just ran out of WD-40...

I'm probably way too late
for my blind date
He was late too
so I knew
That he was my perfect mate.

NEXT:

It is time for me to leave for the night

It is time for me to leave for the night
So I harness my body to my kite,
And into the ether I do soar
To grace this board never more
Until I return at dawning's fair light.

NEXT

Off to thy well earned rest, fair prince

I'm too tired to fix this limerick crash. So I will leave it to others

I just ran out of WD-40
What shall I do, oh Lordy, Lordy
My engine won't turn
Or else it will burn
I better call my mechanic Gordy.

NEXT

Off to thy well earned rest, fair prince

Off to thy well earned rest, fair prince
Time for shower, shampoo, and hair rinse
Tomorrow'll be time
for more wit, more rhyme,
more unbridled romps and humorous squints.

NEXT:

I'm meeting a friend for lunch today.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch today
Under the shade from the sun's ray
I think he he will choose
To wear ladies shoes
So i know for certain he's gay

NEXT: Someone please give me a hug

Someone please give me a hug
and a kiss and roll on the rug
a grope and a feel
"My God! Is that real?!?"
You're just like my ex-boyfried, Doug.

NEXT:

Alone in my office today.

Alone in my office today
And I remembered the key i say
So no one will catch me
A private moment you see
With the window washer headed my way

NEXT: Open the door and see all the people

Open the door and see all the people
Dead on the floor, jumped from the steeple
the red, brown and black --
from Katrina's attack --
and Bush and his men in knee-deep bull.

NEXT:

Where to go when the bars have all closed...

And the next line is.... ?

Lad Boy... oh, Lad Boy...

Hey, you edited. Cheating.

An Aside:

Lad boy oh Lad Boy
Don't be a cad, Boy
I'm tired of your cheating
I'd give you a beating
except you'd like that, you bad boy.

See Two posts up for next starting line.

Where to go when the bars have all closed
Has been a dilemma to some, one supposed
The choices are many
Where the drinks cost more than a penny
After the last drinker has dozed

NEXT: Staying awake for the next round

Where to go when all the bars have closed...
Lets hit the strip club to see what's exposed.
And then if you're willin,
And up for some drillin,
Its over to Kate's house, she's never opposed.

Next:

I read a good story, just the other day...

Staying awake for the next round
Is hard to do when there's no sound
Eyelids fall
the pillow calls
So to bed and sleep I am bound

NEXT:

Ralph went to the county fair

Ralph went to the county fair
And got lucky while he was there
He tossed a ring
In order to have a fling
He was so drunk he didnt care

NEXT: Keep an eye out

I read a good story, just the other day...
It was set in colonial Bombay
the text
was full of sex
I really like books that way

Keep an eye out
when walking about
You'll spot
someone who's hot
then a woody you'll sprout

NEXT:

Do you know what I just heard?

Do you know what I just heard?
Thats what he asked when he conferred.
He couldn't beleve it,
But he had to concede it,
Kate spreads more than her word.

Next:

Does anyone else hate there cubicle?

Does anyone else hate their cubicle?
My office has plenty of room if you do-bicle?
Your choice of start lines
Causes headaches and whines
In most any office milieu-bicle.

NEXT:

I just learned that Kate is a man.

I just learned that Kate is a man
Shocking minesurfer, her biggest fan
The illusion
caused confusion
Especially when she went to the can

NEXT:

My first time at a nudist camp

My first time at a nudist camp
The weather, thank God, was quite damp
I'd turned white as a ghost
when told of the weenie roast
and started my plans to revamp.

NEXT:
Stop, I'm not that kind of guy.

Stop, I am not that kind of guy
I am modest and quite shy
Why do you think
that I'm into kink
OK I might give it a try.

NEXT:

Trying to keep it simple and light

Trying to keep it simple and light
from now until it's night
when all hell'll break loose
I'll be drunk as a goose
passed out on the street, what a sight.

NEXT
If I could be 16 feet tall,

If I could be 16 feet tall
Just think about the size of my balls.
I'd wear oversized chaps,
without any flaps,
And I'd roam "commando" at the mall.

Next:

There once was a man in a hammock...

If I could be 16 feet tall
I'd lord it over all
Let's hope
I could cope
and not have a mind that is small

NEXT:

Should I play it coy?

There once was a man in a hammock...
Who was by no means a eunoch
I jumped on to swing
like on an outdoor sling
And began to wreak naughty havoc.

NEXT:
Should I play it coy?

There once was a man in a hammock
who dreamed he was in Bancock
It was nice
with plenty of rice
Until seagulls started to flock

NEXT :

Should I play it coy?

Should I play it coy?
So as not to annoy
Probably not
since I've got
a reputation to keep as lad Boy!

NEXT:
Running naked in the rain,

Running naked in the rain
is one way to train
for a track meet
in the heat
Plus my shorts have a stain.

NEXT:

I am getting a bit flustered

"I am getting a bit flustered."
Kate said as all the gents clustered.
"Someone's spreading lies
About what's 'tween my thighs..."
The gents smiled and stared at her bustard.

<marquee behavior=alternate>

</marquee> Next:

I just had barbecue for lunch...

I just had barbeque for lunch
a couple of spare ribs I did munch
Greasy fingers
will linger
upon my glass of punch

NEXT:

John went on a date with Mary

John went on a date with Mary
And then things got kinda scary
She touched neither him nor another
Yet still became a mother
Shortly after she and John did marry.

NEXT:
Lad Boy was struck by lightning

Lad Boy was struck by lightning
And the result was very frightening
He was in the mood
with a guy he had wooed
And the bolt cause a pleasure heightening

NEXT:

Mark was all alone one night

(Thanks, Quis.)

Mark was all alone one night,
he thought, as he turned of the light.
When the room was all dark
A guy from the park
joined him for unexpected delight.

NEXT:
Steve has a brand new car.

Steve has a brand new car.
Which he'll drive all the way to a bar.
He'll stop outside Shakes.
And won't have to use breaks.
When he gets there, they'll say, "There you are."

Next:

There once was a cowboy named Bop.

Aside:

Quote

Originally posted by minesurfer:

If I could be 16 feet tall
Just think about the size of my balls.
I'd wear oversized chaps,
without any flaps,
And I'd roam "commando" at the mall.

Minsurfer, this one had me laughing out loud.

Aside over. Carry on...

There once was a cowboy named Bop.
who lost a leg and had to hop
out on the range.
It was a little bit strange
but less so than the hooker named "Stop."

NEXT:
When Kate went to work for the press,

When Kate went to work for the press
She really created a mess
Besides her sighs
And out and out lies
She worked in a blue topless dress.

NEXT:

Who the hell is this gal Kate?

Who the hell is this gal Kate?
Some chick minesurfer would date
I couldn't care less
'bout her state of undress
'less she had a cute brother named Nate.

NEXT:
The once was a fireman named Nate.

Who the hell is this gal Kate?
To get to know her is a three hour wait.
For though she's promiscuous,
And a little androgynuous,
The line extends well past the gate.

Next:

A hooker named "Stop" got it started...

Aside... thanks Semi. I was chuckling at that one too. As for Kate... I made her up a few pages back and have managed to work her in quite a few more limericks. She gives me something to focus on. Feel free to use her yourself... it seems everybody else does... and that's part of her appeal.

There once was a fireman named Nate
Who was in love with Minsurfer's date
The 'surfer got mad
And punched out that lad
Who ne'er again made eyes at Kate.

NEXT

He got caught with the senator's page

There once was a fireman named Nate.
The brother of Promiscuous Kate.
Although he was needy,
And Kate was so seedy,
Nate's at least one man that Kate wouldn't date.

Next:

A hooker named "Stop" got it started...

LOL... Somebody get Quis in here to fix this...

A hooker named "Stop" got it started
But during the act, she farted
All were aghast
Even those at half mast
And in the blink of an eye departed.

NEXT

He got caught with the senator's page

A hooker named "Stop" got it started...
but found that her John soon departed
When her name her would cry
She'd just sit and sigh
And assume he was very good-hearted.

NEXT:
He got caught with the senator's page

He got caught with the senator's page
Such doings were all the rage
It was his duty
to bag such a beauty
Luckily the page was of age.

NEXT:

What will you do this weekend?

He got caught with the senator's page
Who, last summer, worked for a mage
Aphrodisiac spell
The page worked so well
Soon that page would become all the rage.

NEXT: When Kate discovered women's lib

(Oops!)

What will you do this weekend?
Do not act like a bookend.
Go eat out
Twist and shout
Find a broken heart to mend.

NEXT: When Kate discovered women's lib

When Kate discovered women's lib
I'm going to tell you what she did.
She dressed up in a tuxedo,
Decided "Lib" meant Libido.
And went back to doing what her mom had forbid.

Next:

It's good to see FC stopping by...

It's good to see FC stopping by
On her way to enjoy a cold chai
But she's saddened to see
That they've run out of tea
So she'll have to settle for pie

Next:
Last weekend in Boston I found...

Last weekend in Boston I found
A cute and cuddly little booze hound
He was drunk
As a skunk
But awfully fun to have around.

NEXT

You don't have to put on the red light

You don't have to put on the red light
Or sneak out in the middle of the night
Just ask me real nice
And if you double the price
I might even throw in a bite

Next:
There once was a Canadian fellow

You don't have to put on the red light
The colour is just too bright
For going outdoors
Or mopping some floors
Youd end up just getting into a fight

NEXT: Please stop the confusion

There once was a Canadian fellow
Who was feeling semi mellow
He said to STU
Was it you
Who shattered my peace with a bellow?

NEXT

Simply taking umbrage, STU walked out

Simply taking umbrage, STU walked out
On his face plastered a pout
"You knew all the time
That 'confusion' is hard to rhyme
Of that I've surely no doubt!"

Next:
Please stop the confusion...

Please stop the confusion
Its all an illusion
How limericks flow
Where they should go
Just follow the conclusion!

Simply taking umbrage, STU walked out
His face in a pout
He wanted to post
But all he could boast
What limericks are all about

NEXT: Double posting is the pits!

Please stop the confusion
Or I'll get a contusion
If I hit my head
On the side of the bed
Trying to figure out the profusion

(Didn't make sense, but I'm tired.)

NEXT

My what great big boobs you have

My what great big boobs you have
Which makes it difficult to rhyme
If I had the time
And the money
To make my pecs just as sublime

NEXT: Please read the next thread

Please read the next thread
Before I am dead
You'd better hurry
For I worry
My wife caught Lash and me in bed.

NEXT:
I want to sell my Passat.

I want to sell my Passat.
I'll take it but I don't have alot...
to offer in trade
'cause I'm so underpaid...
Would you take two beers and shot?

Next: (don't read the date into the limerick... it's for informational purposes only)

Today (10-9-05) is my six year anniversary...

Today is my six year anniversary
Since I robbed the pot club nursery
I got caught
With the pot
And my trial, alas, was quite cursory.

NEXT

He liked the time he spent in jail

(Happy anniversary Minesurfer)

He like the time he spent in jail
He didnt have to worry about the mail
For the bills had arrived
And due in by five
He'll be dead as a doornail

NEXT: Waxing is so painful

Waxing is so painful
Waning is so baneful
Ask the moon
It will soon
Be full, bringing rainfall.

NEXT: Martha went to the pumpkin race

Martha went to the pumpkin race
And seemed to vanish without a trace
For days she wasn't there
She showed up without a care
With a big smile on her face

NEXT: Is it a crime to be hairy?

"Is it a crime to be hairy?"
Said the little lamb to Mary.
"I could have sworn
I had you shorn,"
Said Mary to her lamb Larry.

NEXT:

I gazed upon a Graecian urn

I gazed upon a Graecian urn
Like Keats, the brow began to burn
Beauty, truth
Eternal youth
The ravishes of death they spurn.

NEXT: I sat at the foot of Winged Victory

I sat at the foot of Winged Victory
As I wrote my speech - valedictory
I tried with all my might
to get the words just right
and not make them contradictory

NEXT:

While wearing a policeman costume

While wearing a policeman costume
I spotted a felon one might assume
Wearing a long yellow coat
Standing near a boat
Flashing his fruit of the lume

NEXT: Rhyming is such a chore

Rhyming is such a chore
I don't want to rhyme any more.
I'll just write blank verse
It all will be terse
And reading it will be a bore.

Next:
Cream of tomato soup's tasty

Cream of tomato soup's tasty
But let's not be too hasty
There are others
made by mothers
who don't want to look too pasty

NEXT:

That limerick was pretty poor

That limerick was pretty poor.
I'd agree... that's for sure.
Why the limerick stinks
Is not what you thinks (

)
It's the Tomato soup that I abhor.

Next:

Seven in one blow was the phrase...

Seven in one blow was the phrase...
Said in his giant killer days
By cobbler Jack
Just a hack
Who found that lying often pays.

NEXT:

Won't you come into my lair

"Won't you come into my lair?"
Kate said with unusual flair.
He entered quite timid,
But soon became livid,
When he found that he wasn't the only one there.

Next:

My wife is a fan of Bugs Bunny...

My wife is a fan of Bugs Bunny
She finds him amazingly funny
But Taz
get's my jazz
Bugs is a punk - just kidding honey!

NEXT:

A man rode to town on a horse

A man rode to town on a horse.
He was going to Kate's house of course.
You could tell by the gait,
That the man was irate,
And all the other suitors were clearly the source.

Next:

There once was a genie in a bottle...

There once was a genie in a bottle
Who went by the name Aristotle
He was handsome and strong
And could do no wrong
Except he took to the bottle

NEXT: Super heroes are people too

Super heroes are people, too.
Except for the ones at the zoo.
Krypto's a dog
Why not SuperHog
and a horse and a cat in the crew?

NEXT:
Where should I put post 1000?

Where should I put post 1000?
It should be somewhere quite grand
With such high stakes
I'll make it Shakes
And I may have to hire a band

NEXT:

My boss wonders why my work is so slow

My boss wonders why my work is so slow
With luck she will never know
When I'm not online here
I'm out drinking beer
Or having fun with Derek and/or Beau.

NEXT:
It's fun to play in the rain

It's fun to play in the rain
"WHEEEE!!!!" we all exclaim
But be hep
and watch your step
or you'll get an ankle sprain.

NEXT:

Did you just see what I just saw?

Did you just see what I just saw?
An expert in federal pension law.
'Tis to be expected
in a group so ecclectic?
erisa good time here to be had by all.

NEXT:
Beau has passed out on the floor.

Did you just see what I just saw?
A little man from Arkansas.
With a funny smile
That stretched out a mile,
And a very distinctive guffaw.

Next:
I love to smell cookies baking.

I love to smell cookies baking.
and when they are there for the taking
I'll take one or two
for me and for you
to eat after hard-core love-making.

NEXT:
Beau has passed out on the floor.

Beau has passed out on the floor
There's a tradition that we just can't ignore.
We'll make his skin darker
With a Black Magic Marker,
And he'll swear not to drink anymore.

Next:

I wonder what Kate's doing today...

I wonder what Kate's doing today...
She seems to be going astray
At the karaoke bar she sang,
only songs by k.d. lang.
Oh My God! Can my Katie be gay?

NEXT:
Come upstairs and check out my etchings.

"Come upstairs and check out my etchings."
Kate says to her date while she's stretching.
Off go his alarms,
For he's wise to her charms.
But Kate's face is really quite fetching.

Next...

There once was a man named Culligan...

There once was a man named Culligan...
He dated some girls, but then again
On a baseball game date
With who else but Kate,
He picked up hot guys fom the bullpen.

NEXT:
There's a crisis here I am told.

There's a crisis here I am told
About it being too cold
for shedding clothes
and being exposed
Still fortune favors the bold

NEXT:

Last night I was surprized in my bed

Last night I was surprized in my bed
For the pillow under my head
was not polyester
but Eryk Davis Ester
what fun arose ere he fled.

NEXT:
It's time for Limerick thread chaos.

It's time for limerick thread chaos.
Lad Boy must be trying to play us.
So we all come around,
'Cause we're lyrically bound
To make sure that Kate wants to lay us.

Take that... ha ha....

Next...

Up the beanstalk Jack went...

Nice one.

Up the beanstalk Jack went
With brave and noble intent
Before the stalk wilted
I saw that Jack was kilted
and all undergaments forwent.

NEXT:
A skinny lad like Dwight Yoakum

A skinny lad like Dwight Yoakum
Sang so bad that crowd just might choke him.
But when they booed.
Dwight only cooed.
For the tension continued to stoke him.

Next...

I ordered a Ham/Swiss on Rye...

I ordered a Ham/Swiss on Rye...
from a waitress named Kate standing by
what she offered instead
turned minsurfer's head
but left me alone hungry high and dry.

NEXT:
What could Quislet be doing?

What could Quislet be doing?
It probably doesn't include moo-ing.
He's probably at Shakes
Drinking 'Earthquakes'
Looking for someone to be suing.

(with no next line

)

Seeing Lad Boy exposed
standing with no clothes
I'm excited
and delighted
from seeing what arose

NEXT:

Wondering if I flirt too much

Sorry about that... got distracted as my buddy just IM'd me to see if I wanted to go to a Penn State football game.

Continue with Quis' line...

Wondering if I flirt too much
Is a waste of time and such
a bore. I'd really rather
play with you in lather
with guys -- German, Swiss, and Dutch.

NEXT:
Should I go to the Penn State game?

Should I go to the Penn State game?
Sometimes they play so lame
I'll have to fend
Off the tight end
If they lose, that's who I'll blame.

NEXT:

An exhibitionist went to the beach

An exhibitionist went to the beach
Ignoring all I did beseech
But that's quite ok
cause he wasn't gay
and he swam just out of my reach.

NEXT:
If Dream Girl is really dead,

If Dream Girl is really dead,
Will they replace her with Precog Fred,
A real cool guy
With a third eye
Right in the back of his head.

NEXT

Lad Boy eyed Kate's push-up bra

Lad Boy eyed Kate's push-up bra,
It was odd to see him in such awe,
'Till 'pon further inspection
The cause of his erection
Was not the bra but really Kate's Pa.

(And if I offended anyone, I apologize post-haste.)

Hmm...

Mysa had a magical thought,

Quote

Originally posted by Kid Prime:
(And if I offended anyone, I apologize post-haste.)

In this thread? On this board? Oh pshaw!

Mysa had a magical thought
It was a thought that she had bought
At Space Wal-Mart
From an ancient tart
Who spent all her time smoking pot.

NEXT

Kid Prime had a problem with rust

Kid Prime had a problem with rust
Nothing serious, it was just
Spoiling his look
So he took
Up bathing in oil as a daily must.

NEXT: After it had rained for a week

After it had rained for a week
I noticed there was a leak
In my house one day
Someone in the shower, i say
Maybe i could go take a peek

NEXT: I'd rather read about Jake

I'd rather read about Jake.
Oft referred to as "Snake".
I hear he's a felon,
And alway's a yellin.
His acquaintance... I'd rather not make.

Next:

There once was a butler in the pantry...

There once was a butler in the pantry
Who stood on guard like a sentry
But I would take
all the cupcakes
Because I knew of another entry

NEXT:

The butler on his day off

The butler on his day off.
Met Kate's friend Debbie Hoff.
He acted real snooty,
Then patted her booty.
And it was off to the pantry to boff.

Next...

That Debbie was a real nice lady...

That Debbie was a real nice lady
That is, 'til she met Sean O'Grady
He brought her down
To the bad parts of town
And she soon became rather shady.

NEXT:

Daddy took his little girl on a trip

Daddy took his little girl on a trip
He booked passage on a cruise ship
His sweet child
turned out wild
During her travels she learned how to strip.

NEXT:

I can't believe this is still going on

I can't believe this is still going on.
Goes to show we have brains, not braun.
Thanks to Kate, Jake, and "Stop".
Vance, Nate, and "Bop"
We have enough to keep going strong.

Next:

Thinking of the next line is the toughest...

Thinking of the next line is the toughest
But finding the right rhyme is the roughest
Still we find
words devine
Or else we would be saying "Stuff it"

NEXT:

Alice on her way to the Alamo

I can't rhyme Alamo. This calls for cheating:

Alice on her way to the Alamo
Met her faithful friend, Geronimo
He said don't go there
Or you'll lose your hair
When we scalp everyone-imo!

NEXT:

Quislet threw a monkey wrench

Quislet threw a monkey wrench.
It hit the head of the serving wench.
She spilled hot tea
On the right knee
Of none other than Dame Judi Dench.

Next:
Pushing the limits of silly

Quote

Originally posted by Semi Transparent Fellow:
I can't rhyme Alamo. This calls for cheating:

I didn't expect a perfect rhyme, but figured the last syllable could be used for the rhyme.

Pushing the limits of silly
Nah... he won't do it... will he?
But 'sexual dynamo',
Kinda rhymes with 'alamo',
And Kate won't be far behind... will she?

Next...

There once was a cabbie from Houston...

There once was a cabbie from Houston
Whose battery needed boostin'
It was dead,
So they said
Cause in it, a seagull was roostin'.

NEXT

Minesurfer forgot to wear his clothes

Minesurfer forgot to wear his clothes
He remembered when he heard all the "Oohs!"
He borrowed Kate's shirt
to use as a skirt
And he gets a thrill when the wind blows.

NEXT:

Driving from Boston to Dallas

Driving from Boston to Dallas
Could leave someone filled up with malice.
But in this day and age
Kate cures her road rage,
With a gear shift in the shape of a ph@lus.

Next:

That last line is a bit risque...

That last line is a bit risque
But for my eyes only, it's okay
For I've seen worse
In rhyming verse
And oh-so witty repartee.

NEXT

She gazed upon the sacred gem

She gazed upon the sacred gem
Before she sewed it in her hem
The priceless jewel
Assured her rule
The first crowned head to be a fem.

NEXT: The fox spit out the sour grapes

The fox spit out the sour grapes
Into the manor's velvet drapes
They were not fine
For making wine
But who can trust those hairless apes?

NEXT:

Help me build this pyramid

Ugh! Just to get "pyramid"

off the thread...

Help me build this pyramid.
There's no need to be timid.
Just start at the base,
And put each block in place.
When complete just hope that its solid.

Next:

"It's not my best work.", I said.

"It's not my best work" I said
Thinking things off my head
The mind is not perking
If the brain is not working
And other parts made out of lead

NEXT: Icefire is a nice guy

Icefire is a nice guy
Unless you're a crook or a spy
If so, you'll be cookin'
when you're not lookin'
Like an OreIda frozen french fry.

NEXT:
I'm stuck in an infinite crisis

I'm stuck in an infinite crisis.
You may find yourself asking, "Why's this?"
Maybe it's your fate,
To have Kate turn you straight.
If you want, she'll dress up like Isis.

Next:

There once was an evil genie...

There once was an evil genie...
Whose costume was really teeny
In a shoestring-thin thong
He committed much wrong
And became known as the evil weenie.

NEXT:
It's time to go out for lunch.

It's time to go out for lunch
And my boss has a good hunch
If I find a cutie
with a hot booty
I'll be gone til Sunday brunch

NEXT:

My thoughts are filled with gloom

My thoughts are filled with gloom
For Kate is in my room
While her undressing
for surfer's a blessing
To me it's the coming of doom.

NEXT:

Is this a daggere which I see before me?

Is this a dagger which I see before me?
If it is... things could get stormy.
But it's better to see it.
I'd think we'd agree it
Wouldn't do for the knife to backdoor me.

Next...

There was a young miss quite frumpy...

There was a young miss quite frumpy...
Whose face was all acned and bumpy
Her good friend Kate thrilled her,
re-dressed her, clearasil-ed her
Now she's no longer outcast and grumpy.

NEXT:
Kate's brother moved in next door.

Kate's brother moved in next door
To Zsa Zsa and Eva Gabor
They made such a fuss
Over that boy Gus
That he fled to the Jersey shore.

NEXT

Oh when will I ever be rich

Oh when will I ever be rich
Like that trashy Anna Nicole b**ch?
When photos in Playboy
include a hot gayboy
who poses without a stitch?

NEXT:
I might get a Playboy subscription

I might get a Playboy subscription
to satisfy a certain predilection
I like the trait
of pretending to be straight
So my mom won't suffer conniptions.

NEXT:

Adam was at home all alone

I might get a Playboy subcription.
For boobies... that is the prescription.
But those mags are expensive
And some say offensive,
Well.... I'll just get Katie's edition.

Next:

Let's do a Limerick about Semi...

Aside: Bravo on "conniption"... well played.

Adam was at home all alone...
Lathering on shaving cream foam.
And for his next trick,
He schaved with a Schick.
And finished it off with cologne.

Next:

Let's do a Limerick about Semi...

Let's do a Limerick about Semi
And all the good things he could gimme,
if we were together
in denim and leather
in the back of my old red Dodge hemi'.

NEXT:

I going home now to a red state.

(I added "'m" to make the line grammatically correct)

I'm going home now to a red state
To do so is my daily fate
I know what to do
to turn things blue
Call me and we'll make a date.

NEXT:

Stuck here feeling sad and blue

Stuck here feeling sad and blue
Wish I were stuck there with you.
When I feel this icky
I'd like to get sticky
With a limerick writer or two.

NEXT:
There once was a really tall lawyer.

There once was a really tall lawyer.
Whose head hit the top of the foyer.
When the paint was still wet
His head did get
As white as the fence of Tom Sawyer.

Next:
Lad Boy's new costume is hot.

There once was a really tall lawyer.
Some say an argumentative warrior.
He'd stab you with words,
Be they nouns or just verbs.
Then turn around and sue his employer.

Next...

The lass had a bad reputation...

Lad Boy's new costume is hot.
But I think I see an ink spot.
The costume's removed,
And the crowd has approved.
LB likes to show off what he's got.

Next...

The lass had a bad reputation...

The lass had a bad reputation
For grossness in her mastication
To the dentist she went
Lost of money she spent
And now she joins freely in food and libation!

Next...

Kid Prime was thinking about Lad Boy...

Kid Prime was thinking about Lad Boy
While playing with his brand new toy
He was surprized
by the wandering eyes
of his new neighbor John Thomas McCoy

NEXT:

What will await me at home?

What will await me at home?
Will it be an ivory comb
To run through my hair
With nary a care
A I read Lad Boy's love poem.

NEXT:

Tie me up and dip me in ink

Tie me up and dip me in ink
It will be an experience, i think
Of pleasures to come
That may seem unnatural to some
After i have too much to drink

NEXT: Show me your underwear

Show me your underwear
Said a seriously drunk Cher
I declined
Lest I be fined
For taking a reckless dare.

NEXT

While throwing up in my church

While throwing up in my church
I hastily made a search
Of where it went
It landed on a gent
Who conspicuously looked like Lurch!

NEXT:

Never kiss or tell

Never kiss or tell
while under a witch's spell.
But under a warlock's
behind some strong doorlocks
all such desires I'll quell.

NEXT:
It' time to check Yahoo mail.

It's time to check Yahoo mail,
To worry 'bout it won't avail,
But I sure know I would enjoy
a letter from Lad Boy,
My new LMB-most-favorite-male!

(P.S. It's giantsnthsky@yahoo.com)

Next:

That's it! I'm giving up men...

It's time to check Yahoo mail
I do it daily without fail
Hoping for a fan letter
or something even better
an invite to an orgy of Roman scale.

NEXT:

Why does Lad Boy make me feel horny?

Why does Lad Boy make me feel horny?
I'd answer that question, but then I'd feel corny.
'Sides, at this time of the day,
In the office! Oy vey!
Such thoughts would make my pants look rather porny.

Next:

That's it! I'm giving up men!

(corrective comma added)
That's it! I'm giving up, men!
No futile resistance; I'm giving in.
No more being coy.
To Quis, Semi or Lad Boy.
I'm meet them at Shakes around ten.

NEXT:
I never knew Kid Prime was Jewish.

Amazing what a comma can do.

I never knew Kid Prime was Jewish.
To me, he looks more Groo-ish
Evanier's no robot,
Aragones loves Gobots
And that gets Kippers real blueish.

NEXT:
So Quislet sued himself!

So Quislet sued himself
For stealing from the shelf
For his crime
He'll do time
Sharing a cell with an elf.

NEXT:

Don't upset the wig-maker, Harry

Don't upset the wig-maker, Harry
He's making a rug for Halle Berry
One that will make her
look like the Gabor from Green Acres
or a LegionWorld member -- quite scary.

NEXT:
When Quislet went shopping in WalMart

When Quislet went shopping in WalMart
He tried to act dignified & smart
But when bending over
to check the price of clover
Everybody heard his great big fart.

NEXT:

Minesurfer stumbled upon the Gay Pride parade

Minesurfer stumbled upon the Gay Pride parade
And realized the mistakes he had made
He know longer wants Kate
since we've been on a date
And done all that he formerly forbade.

NEXT:
I'm spending a week in Miami (aside: really are there any LW'ers there)

I'm spending a week in Miami
With my 80 year old grammy
I know it's just wrong
But she's bringing her thong
Hoping to snag that old coot Sammy.

NEXT:

That Lad Boy got an all-over tan

That Lad Boy got an all-over tan
has made me his biggest fan
If I say much more
then I am sure
to offend and earn a ban

NEXT:

A young man on a trip to Mardi Gras

A young man on a trip to Mardi Gras
Met young man wearing only a bra
Oh, we're just having fun
I'm dressed as a nun
But I lent the rest of my habit to my pa.

NEXT:

In a leaky boat he sailed out to sea

In a leaky boat he sailed out to sea
To forget about his lost love, Dee.
He sailed far down
To old Provincetown
And hooked up with a guy named Lee.

Next:
I bought myself new leather chaps

In a leaky boat he sailed out to sea.
Confident as any mariner could be.
So he broke out the rum,
Drank until numb,
And was found leaking all over his dinghy.

Sorry but I was on the phone with my dad and couldn't post until I hung up. Since I already had the limerick completed, I didn't want to waste it.

To complete Rocky's line...

I bought myself new leather chaps.
You know the kind without any straps.
They're all that I wear,
See my exposed derrier?
All the better when I'm out shooting craps.

Next...

Tina the stripper tripped on the ramp...

Good use of "derrier"

Tina the stripper tripped on the ramp
Fell off of the stage and over an amp
Surfer was in the right place
her cootch was in his face
And now his trousers are quite damp.

NEXT:

The missionary was in the bad part of town

The missionary was in the bad part of town.
That's where the people needed him around.
So in this position
He executed his mission
To make sure that Katie would soon be unbound.

Next:

A surprising young lad quite chippy...

A surprising young lad quite chippy
Had a gramps who was an old hippy
When the lad gave him sass
Gramps whacked his ass
And said that'll teach you to be lippy.

NEXT

Beware the sword of Damocles

(Damocles rhymes with "please")

Beware the sword of Damocles
It is not meant to appease
It causes stress
and the press
hang it over judical nominees.

NEXT:

I ate some cherry pie

I ate some cherry pie
And finished it with a sigh
It's good for me
Don't you see ...
Even I don't believe that lie.

NEXT

Onward soldiers into the fray

Onward soldiers into the fray
For your safe return, I will pray
work for peace
make war cease
from now until the last day

NEXT:

Starshine was at the protest march

Starshine was at the protest march
the one by Washington Square's Arch
The NYU kids
blew their lids
when skinheads threw rotting starch

NEXT:
Quislet should leave better lines

Quislet should leave better lines.
If he doesn't, there should be fines.
For those of you,
Who sit and stew...
Here's a page... to help with rhymes .

Next (FYI, 'Cork and Cleaver' is a fine restaurant in my hometown)...

I love to eat at the 'Cork and Cleaver'...

Quislet should leave better lines
Although Kent handled that one just fine
Still watch what you write
or there may be a fight
A limerick writer should keep that in mind.

NEXT:

Good night until tomorrow

I love to eat at the 'Cork and Cleaver'
I dine with Ward and the Beaver
Mrs C doesn't like it
and Wally's says "spike it,
and feed the left-overs to a retriever."

Good night until tomorrow
parting is such sweet sorrow
sleep well, my friend
good dreams we'll send
From Morpheus' realm we shall borrow.

NEXT:
Minesurfer and Quislet crossed posts

Minesurfer and Quislet crossed posts...
Yeah, but mine was first. End Limerick.

aside... think of the above Limerick as a Performance Limerick with a Post Modern Twist and a slight disdain for rhyme. Something else else Bizarro would be disappointed in.

Next:

There was an Olympian who threw a javelin...

cop-out!

your "Cleaver" leave-line was completed; you gotta write one before you can offer another "Next"

remaining on the docket for lack of completion...

NEXT:
Minesurfer and Quislet crossed posts

Are you trying to say that mine wasn't the epitome of a Post Modern Performance Limerick with a disdain for rhyme?

But for one who was coming down on Quislet and his next lines...

Fine we can do it your way...

Minesurfer and Quislet crossed posts
On the board that Scott and Gary hosts.
How did we do it?
Can we get through it?
"I have no doubts!" so this one boasts.

Next:

There was an Olympian who threw a javelin...

There was an Olympian who threw a javelin
It went so high it hit a de Havilland
Helicopter
Which dropped her
Cargo, on the house of Mary Matalin.

NEXT: Neil Gaiman ate a rhubarb pie

Neil Gaiman ate a rhubarb pie
That's the truth, it's no lie
He shared it with Miss Kitty
On a visit to Dark City
Oh this is so bad, I could just die.

NEXT:

American Gods was a boring book

(Editorial insert of quotes)

"American Gods was a boring book,"
Said a critic, but I still took
A look and oh glory!
What a great story!
That critic was a total schnook!

Next:
There was once a Lad named Rockhopper

There was once a Lad named Rockhopper
He loved a penguin teenybopper
She thought he was nice
But stayed home on the ice
Her dad, you see, was a penguin copper.

NEXT: If I had a million dollars to spend

If I had a million dollars to spend
People would ask me to "lend"
them some money
It's funny
all the people who think they're my friend.

NEXT:

Minesurfer & Kent got into a tizzy

Minesurfer & Kent got into a tizzy.
Happened so fast I got a little dizzy.
I turn around and Kent's gone.
A new page sees it's dawn.
Somewhere the Limerick Police are too busy.

Next...

A train leaves Chicago doing eighty...

A train leaves Chicago doing eighty
But has to stop for Warren Beatty
Who's on his way
To Santa Fe
To meet none other than his lady.

NEXT

The little engine thought he could

The little engine thought he could
travel from the farm to Hollywood
the tractor
would be an actor
But his elocution wasn't very good

NEXT:

The jester sang for the king & queen

The jester sang for the king & queen
Played by Madonna and Ben Vereen
It was just a play
On old Broadway
About the fifties music scene.

NEXT:

Take me out to the old ball game

Take me out to the old ball game
Although it seems a bit tame
transform
the uniform
so, it shows the players' shame

NEXT:

It was late at night in the park

It was late at night in the park.
On a jog I began to embark.
When a man in a coat, ummmm...
Flashed me his scrotum.
Now I don't run in the park after dark.

Next...

I recently went on vacation...

I recently went on vacation
I went with Simone the Haitian
We went to Cancun
in time for monsoon
and took part in the evacuation

NEXT:
Minesurfer is not a bad egg

Normally I wouldn't make up a limerick about myself, but you never know when inspiration will hit... and that's one muse I listen too.

Minesurfer is not a bad egg.
Had my right leg replaced with a peg.
But just between us,
I have a huge p3nus,
Thats harder than my mahogany leg.

Next...

A cute young baker named Tammy...

A cute young baker named Tammy
Got hit with a double whammy
Her buns were spurned
Becasue they were burned
When her lover left her for Sammy.

NEXT

Don't you tread on Superman's cape

Don't you tread on Superman's cape
Don't stand out on the street and gape
Don't eat mud
Don't drink blood
And don't keep watching the ticker tape.

NEXT: Where did all the fishies go?

Where did all the fishies go?
All I hear is "I don't know."
"We've drained the supply"
Is my best reply
But at least I've got my shad roe

NEXT:
It's autumn in New York

It's autumn in New York
And Boston, too, you dork.
It isn't so queer
that this whole hemisphere
tilts due to celestial torque.

NEXT:
Would you please come rake my leaves?

Would you please come rake my leaves?
And feel the chill Autumn breeze.
And when you are done,
You can bag them for fun,
Or sort them by hue if you please.

Next...

A tawdry affair quite sordid...

A tawdry affair quite sordid
Was mistakenly recorded
When uploaded
Kate exploded
To see her thighs reported.

NEXT:

There once was a nasty divorce

There once was a nasty divorce
Both sides argued til hoarse
Could you conceive
or even believe
All this fuss over a rocking horse?

NEXT:

Blue Betty needed cheering up

Blue Betty needed cheering up
So I bought her a collie pup
It was a blue merle
Just right for that girl
And on Purina, they did sup.

(Up is surprisingly limited in rhyming possibilities).

NEXT

I think Quisy needs a dog

I think Quissy needs a dog
to get him out of a blue fog
what if he got
a canine robot
Would it be digital or analog?

NEXT:

Semi was voted most likely to...

Semi was voted most likely to
sail the seas in '92
the globe went round
he ran aground
and settled in Timbuktu

NEXT:
Quislet's high school reunion

Quislet's high school reunion
As reported by the Times-Picayune and
The Washington Post
was twice as fun as most
celebrations of first communion.

NEXT:
Kent Shakespeare had drunk too much.

Kent Shakespeare had drunk too much
And when he's drunk he likes to clutch
So if you're a cutie
Watch out for your booty
"Cause when he's sober, he'll deny that touch.

NEXT

Lad Boy was slurring his words

Lad Boy was slurring his words
And eating food cooked by Kurds
He couldn't sleep
And counted sheep
That Cobie drove by, in herds.

NEXT: There never was no one named STU

There never was no one named STU
Who went to Semi Transparent U
No there wasn't just one
Unlike barbarian Hrun,
If truth be told, there were two.

NEXT

Cramer baked a blackbird pie

Cramer baked a blackbird pie
Which PETA loudly did decry
They didn't know
'Twas just for show
The birds lived and were soon sky-high.

NEXT: When Semi gets his seven thousand

When Semi gets his seven thousand
He'll be so tired, he'll be drowsin'
He'll post through the night
With the end in sight
And by morning he'll need arousin'.

NEXT

A journey starts with but one step

A journey starts with but one step.
I remember that when I lose my pep.
I'll ignore all strife,
Till they make of my life,
A film starring Johnny Depp.

("Step" is another word with surprisingly few rhymes).

NEXT
Let's all help Semi rack up his posts.

Let's all help Semi rack up his posts
And when he's done shower him with toasts
Make him drink stout
So he'll pass out
And we can be free of all his boasts.

(Sorry about "step" - did you forget Bubba ho-tep"

)

NEXT:

That woman had a great big chin

That woman had a great big chin.
It's longer than her son's violin.
It goes through the door
Two minutes before
The rest of her body is in.

Next:
A good time was had by all

A good time was had by all
At the Psyonian Embassy ball
Crujectra danced
And men were entranced
And lined up to see her, a mile down the hall.

NEXT: Peace, love and penguins! declared Condi Rice

"Peace, love and penguins!" declared Condi Rice.
"We've invaded Antarctica, not once, but twice,
For penguins might evolve
and somehow may solve
How to build a doomsday device!"

NEXT

I may have to change my sig line.

I see you changed the opening line on that limerick.

I may have to change my sig line
to something even more devine
Something else else poetic
and vey copacetic
But not after drinking too much wine.

NEXT:

I walked down to the corner store

I walked down to the corner store
Which had not one corner, but four.
If you go there
You'll see it's a square.
A Pentagon would cost so much more.

NEXT:
The '49ers were in town yesterday.

The '49ers were in town yesterday
The crowd yelled "Hip Hip Hurray"
I did befriend
a cute tight end
And I let him have his own way

NEXT:

Me and my bud were watching football

Quote

Originally posted by Quislet, Esq.:
I see you changed the opening line on that limerick.

Oops! That was an accident. I'll edit it so posterity won't notice.

Thanks!

Me and my bud were watching football
hoping the ref would make a good call
And force Redskin kicker Novak
to join us and not come back
and also eject to our seats John Hall.

NEXT:
The Limerick timestream has been disrupted.

The Limerick timestream has been disprupted
Because my rhyme-o-meter was corrupted
By naughty verse
And even worse
Which from Lad Boy's computer, had erupted.

NEXT:

Take a letter Miss Moneypenny

Take a letter Miss Moneypenny
Address it to my dear Jenny
a declination
to an invitation
The poor girl is one of many.

NEXT:

It finally happened to Mr. James Bond

It finally happened to Mr. James Bond
It turns out he's rather fond
Of that villain Goldfinger
and Limericks posters who linger
here waiting for Quislet to respond.

NEXT:

There once was a girl named Condoleezza

There once was a girl named Condolezza
Who came to Canada trying to squeeze ya
With our softwood lumber
we beat her into slumber
and sent her back to Dubya in a freeza.

NEXT:

These poems should not condone beating

These poems should not condone beating
or setting up a real time meeting
with Candian strangers,
Cobalt Kids, or Red Rangers
Especially if you hear sheep bleating.

NEXT:
I think I should go to church.

I think I should go to church
My sinful ways leave in the lurch
But wait - I see
In the vestry
The ghost of someone named John Birch.

NEXT: Life is too short to be sour

Life is too short to be sour
Or even morose and dour
So stick out your chin
And paste on a grin
Folks, it's time to seize the hour.

NEXT:

Thanks to you all for helping me post

Thanks to you all for helping me post
to celebrate, a party I will host
Plenty of cheer
and free beer
All raise a glass in a victory toast.

NEXT:

What would Lad Boy do to me?

What would Lad Boy do to me?
Bizarre things totally new to me?
Latex and leather?
hancuffs? a feather?
What pleasures and thrills might be due to me?

NEXT:
My bark is worse than my bite.

My bark is worse than my bite
Unless I get into a fight
Screw the law
With tooth and claw
I'll battle with all my might.

NEXT:

Particularly nice weather

Particularly nice weather
for wearing pants made of leather
though it's dreary and cool
I would be a fool
to cinch them on with a tether.

NEXT:
When I went to the Napa Valley

When I went to the Napa Valley
With my aunt and her freind Sally
They both got drunk
As a horny skunk
And attacked me in the winery galley.

NEXT

Peter rose to the occassion

Peter rose to the occassion
With very little persuasion
when on the street
he happened to meet
A legion fan who was half asian.

NEXT:
It was a dark and stormy night

It was a dark and stormy night
When I beheld a pitiful sight
Lad Boy stressed
Because he was dressed
in a frock that was really a fright

NEXT:

Why do my boss want me to work?

Why does my boss want me to work?
Why does she have to be such a jerk?
I've had poems to compose
for every crisis that arose.
LegionWorld's been my life's greatest perk.

NEXT:
The wheels on the bus go round and round.

The wheels on the bus go round and round
All four of them always touching the ground
It's a safe life
No trouble or strife
Oh how I wish some fun would be found.

NEXT

I saw the constable lick his lips

I saw the Constable lick his lips
Just as the waitress flicked her hips
as his eyes traveled down
her smile turned to a frown
at the deficiency of his tips

NEXT

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup
It fell in doing loop-the-loop
So get your tray
And take it away
For I'm allergic to fly poop.

NEXT

I spied a penny on the ground

I spied a penny on the ground
On thrift and wealth, I'll expound
Limit your spending
and also your lending
This advice is most profound.

NEXT:

I descended from my soap box

I spied a penny on the ground
bent down to get it when I found
my bike shorts had ripped
when over the handlebars I'd flipped
I'm glad no Limerick writers were around.

NEXT:
Could I please borrow your handcuffs?

Could I please borrow your handcuffs?
because I heard you like it rough
You played
at being trade
But my advances you always rebuff

NEXT:

I descended from my soap box

I descended from my soap box
To bend down and pull up my socks
Good fortune smiled on me
For by doing so you see
I missed the tomatoes and the rocks.

NEXT:

Tell me your secrets, O Great Sphinx

Tell me your secrets, O Great Sphinx
You who stares and never blinks
Don't twiddle
or answer in riddle
What if I buy the next round of drinks?

NEXT:

The system has shut down

The system has shut down
By order of the crown
Due to a legal flaw
We're under martial law
Until we kill the royal clown.

NEXT:

Whip me up a mess o' grits

Whip me up a mess o' grits
We're not eating at the Ritz
But it's great
On my plate
If it's served with bacon bits.

NEXT: Watching MSNBC

Watching MSNBC
I felt the urgent need to pee
War in Iraq
Babies on crack
Were suddenly less important to me.

NEXT;

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
is a great movie because
of Flying monkeys.
And a girl so spunky
always garners applause.

NEXT:

A gay rogue named Robin Hood

A gay rogue named Robin Hood
And an Italian puppet made of wood
live next door
and sometime explore
the nature of true manhood.

NEXT:
Help find work for Harriet Miers

Help find work for Harriet Miers
The sort of work that inspires
She's not a lot to do
since she withdrew
Rather than face Congressional fire

NEXT:

How about a nice game of cards?

How about a nice game of cards
For the "Kiss this Guy" Legion World bards?
Some friendly strip poker
for each Limerick thread joker
And Cobie's security guards.

NEXT:
If you have four queens and a jack

If you have four queens and a jack
Don't be too quick to attack.
Just make a smooth bet
There's no need to fret.
On the "river", bet all of your stack.

Next...

A man walked into a bar...

A man walked into a bar
Hitting his head, he got a scar
A gorilla & horse
add to it, of course
But a pretty lame joke, by far.

NEXT:

Mary went to bed by eight

Mary went to bed by eight
For next morning she had a date
With Joe the plumber,
But what a bummer!
The nitwit was six hours late.

Next:
I'd like to buy a vowel

Mary went to bed by eight
Her husband could harly wait
For as she slept
out he crept
to meet me for our date.

NEXT:
Mary got the house and car

I'd like yo buy a vowel
to give to Colin Powell
and something really nice
for Condoleezza Rice
who no longer has trouble with her bowel.

NEXT
Mary got the house and car

Mary got the house and car
And all the stocks plus a gold bar
her attorney
named Bernie
got the cottage in Myanmar.

NEXT:

Albert has found a new love

Albert has found a new love
A gift, but not from above
His new love, you see,
Is someone like me
Who likes to play catch with no glove.

NEXT:
Albert was talking to Kate.

Albert was talking to Kate
About their most recent date
I remember your face
When I got to first base
And you told me it was getting too late.

NEXT:

Call me up and spend a dime

Call me up and spend a dime
When you have some spare time
We'll dish and chat
about this & that
It will all be very sublime.

NEXT:

Lazily drifting down the river

Lazily drifting down the river
Suddenly I felt a shiver
Crocodile
Gave a smile
Thought for lunch he'd have my liver.

NEXT: WIth Tenzil Kem in the kitchen

With Tenzil Kem in the kitchen
Your nose will be twitchin'
The soup's hot
and will hit the spot
Perfect for a cold away mission.

(kitchen doesn't have many rhyming words)

NEXT:

On a cold and lonely asteroid

On a cold and lonely asteroid
Garth discovered he had a hemorrhoid
Without preparation
of proper medication
he just scratched and scratched in the cold, dark void.

NEXT:
While drinking a Georgetown bar,

While drinking a Georgetown bar
may sound quite bizarre
It would be good
if you could
And finish it off with a cigar

NEXT:

They say it is going to snow

They say it is going to snow
You ask me how I know
I tell you this
I never miss
When my bunion starts to grow.

NEXT:

Once upon a journey merry

Once upon a journey merry
that started on the Potomac ferry
I arrived with my wife
but after some strife
left the boat with Halle Berry.

NEXT:
This year for Halloween

This year for Halloween
I'll dress like a star of the silver screen
If Brad Pitt
won't fit
I'll just go as a leather queen.

NEXT:

The old miser sat alone in his house

The old miser sat alone in the house,
While thinking of Kate in her blouse.
His pulse started surging
and he developed an urging
that not even a cold shower could dowse.

Next...

A lad and a lass after school...

A lad and a lass after school
wanted to try something cool
Said he, "you could impress,
if you would just undress."
Said she, "I'm not that big a fool."

NEXT:

When her father came home

When her father came home
From a holiday in Rome
He brought Armani
For his wife Connie
Although she was a crone.

(That just didn't work)

NEXT:

Help me right this terrible wrong

Help me right this terrible wrong
Yes, it's the same old song
Ignoring my brain
I acted insane
Just get me out of this thong!

NEXT:
I ate too much Halloween candy

I ate too much Halloween candy.
Alot of the loot was quite dandy.
Yet most of the sweets
Were magnificent treats,
But the 'bit-o-honeys' were rather blandy.

Next:

My candy was stolen by ninjas...

My candy was stolen by ninjas
Who were on their yearly binges
A chop to the head
They left me for dead
But I hung on to life by inches.

NEXT:

Minesufer, that was hard to rhyme,

Aside:

I figured I'd see a sent ya... or a send ya... or something like that. I don't post a word to rhyme unless I have at least one good rhyme in mind for it... I learned my lesson on Ginger. I thought you did a remarkable job.

Back to the game...

Minesurfer, that was hard to rhyme
And make it sound sublime
It makes you think
That you need a drink
Or else commit a really bad crime

NEXT: Who could hate Kate?

Sorry LAM... I had to change your opening line in form so the syllables would work. I hope you don't mind. I believe I've kept the spirit intact.

Is there anybody who could hate Kate?
Was the subject of a heated debate.
If anyone can,
It's Indignant Ann,
For Kate ran off with her mate.

Next...

While walking to work in the rain...

While walking to work in the rain
I suddenly felt a burning pain
Was it in my shin
Or on my chin
Or was I merely going insane?

NEXT:

Standing over the old steam grate

Standing over the old steam gate
I contemplated the whims of fate
A rusty bolt
a nasty jolt
And I would be in a dire strait.

NEXT:

Would a ray of sun part this gloom?

Would a ray of sun part this gloom
And take me from this somber room
Into dawn's welcome light
To let my heart take flight
Far from foul Mordor's Cracks of Doom.

NEXT

Frodo gave his finger for you

Frodo gave his finger for you
Now you should ask what you can do
For Middle Earth
Where there's a dearth
Of heroes. So what else is new?

Next: I dreamed I was on CSI

I dreamed I was on CSI
I played a buxom private eye
Got the job done
All in Act one
And took the next three acts to die.

NEXT:

Superman is a boy's best friend

Superman is a boy's best friend
On that you may always depend
A hero true
Old Big Blue
He'll back you to the bitter end.

NEXT:

Well, that wasn't very funny

Well, that wasn't very funny
But I don't write these for money
If it shows
Turn up your nose
Be glad I'm not feeling punny.

NEXT: Kate's favourite rock band was The Flips

Kate's favourite rock band was The Flips
Every word of their songs parts her lips
Although alot less sublime
But her favorite pastime
Is rhythmically moving her hips.

Next...

A Legion Lass young and mighty...

A Legion Lass young and mighty
who was never flirty nor flighty
wore on her chest
a red and yellow "S"
even on her favorite nightie.

Next:
He calls himself Chemical King.

He calls himself Chemical King
He makes the girls (and the boys, too) sing
He causes reactions
And fights evil factions
And for Lyle Norg he has a thing.

NEXT: Oh what could Sinde be doing tonight?

Oh what could Sinde be doing tonight?
Something else else that provides pure delight
No slams
about clams
Sinde is cute, perky, bubbly, & bright.

NEXT:

Angela sat down on a diner stool

Angela sat down on a diner stool
Then she slid off and felt like a fool.
It's one of those days,
She thought in a haze
As she walked out the door and fell in the pool.

NEXT: There once was a girl whose skin was blue

There once was a girl whose skin was blue
if you don't know her name, here's a clue
Her trade
was shade
And in the future a champion through & through

NEXT:

From a small space ship was heard "What fun"

From a small space ship was heard "What fun"
It landed on the third planet from the Sun
A long way from Teall
Quis hardly seemed real
His explorations had just begun.

NEXT: I think most people are working too hard

I think most people are working too hard
Myself, I come home all scarred
the hours suck
my boss is a ----
and all my pay comes as lard

NEXT:
When Quslet is president

When Quislet is president,
How will tax dollars be spent?
Upgrading the Lincoln bedroom
Into which cute guys zoom,
and are never asked to pay rent.

NEXT:
The president has been impeached.

The president has been impeached
The country's laws he breached
Who knew
what a lie would do
and how the opposition screeched.

NEXT:

After autumn comes winter

After autumn comes winter
From firewood comes a splinter
speaking of wood
it'd be so good
if these sexless limericks we would stinter.

NEXT:
While showering off at the gym,

While showering off at the gym
My mind drifted towards him
His handsome face
In my special place
Oh forget about it, it's just a whim.

NEXT:

Distracted by a wayward glance

Distracted by a wayward glance
I forgot to put back on my pants
I left the gym
and followed him
and started a new romance.

NEXT:
While on a date with a giant squid

While on a date with a giant squid
He squirted some ink that made me skid
He called out "Wheee!"
As we hit the tree
"Never again" cried I "God Forbid!"

NEXT:

Lad Boy likes bawdy rhymes

Lad Boy likes bawdy rhymes
That recount his naughty times.
He's really no slut --
Just friendly, but
his poetry rarely sublimes.

NEXT:
Two men were alone in the dark

Two men were alone in the dark
And decided to go on a lark
The moonless night
Made it seem all right
To run through the trees and bark.

NEXT: The last time he went to that bar

The last time he went to that bar
he drank too much and went too far
Extremely drunk
he drove to Podunk
Someone asked "Do you know where you are?"

NEXT:

What to do when extremely bored

What to do when extremely bored
Come to Legion World, be adored
for posting inanities
and rhyming insanities
the most (legal)fun you can afford.

NEXT:
I asked a cop on Castro Street

I asked a cop on Castro Street
Where to go for a little treat
He showed me a store
that I adore
He couldn't have been more sweet.

NEXT:

"What would you like?" asked the clerk

"What would you like?" asked the clerk
I said that I felt like such a jerk.
He said, "that's just fine.
Come back around nine.
'cause that's when I get off...work."

NEXT:
I met the clerk at half past nine.

I met the clerk at half past nine
at a nice bistro we did dine
I wouldn't boast
about their roast
So back to my place for some wine

NEXT:

At the end of this strange date

At the end of this strange date
I thought I'd found a new mate
but I was wrong
and it wasn't long
til I went online to tempt fate.

NEXT:
He said he liked versatility

He said he liked versatility
But he didn't count on my agility.
I don't think he thought
I could tie myself in a knot.
But it's a very useful ability.

Next:
Lad Boy bought a new bustier.

Lad Boy bought a new bustier
Everyone cried hip-hip-hooray
The crowd went mad
For the boy named Lad
Good thing he's not doing this everyday.

NEXT: Now that Monday's here again

Now that Mondays here again
I'm almost in tears again
Mon to Fri
It makes me cry
As I can't wait for the weekend again

NEXT: The first line for this limerick

(Hurray a new Limericker!)

The first line for this limerick
Doesn't contain a sly trick
Something else else plain
no rhymer's bane
And hopefully the words will click.

NEXT:

She gave birth to a bouncing baby boy

She gave birth to a bouncing baby boy
We worried she would treat him like a toy
The little one
Enjoyed the fun
Rebounding in a tank that once held koi.

NEXT: Nobody's here on turkey day

Nobody's here on turkey day
They're in the kitchen, cooking away.
They'll eat by and by
From salad to pie,
That's da capo al fine.

Next: I made a little piggy of myself.

I made a little piggy of myself
I put him on my little office shelf
He looked very fine
for a small sculptured swine.
Next I'll make myself a little clay elf.

NEXT:

That turkey was finger-licking good.

That turkey was finger-looking good
But now it's been out longer than it should
Salmonella
I can tell ya
Is really worth avoiding if you could.

NEXT: While chasing a velociraptor

Ohmygod, We're doing limericks now? Kewl Beans!

While chasing a velociraptor
TL saw Cali and Trap'er
it didn't work out
she kicked in his snout
and he swore off women thereafter

NEXT: LIKE, KILL THIS THREAD, PLEASE

Like, kill this thread, please
My anger at it makes me wheeze.
Like Hilton sisters
playing twister.
A symptom of societal disease.

Next: I went walking through the snow.

I went walking through the snow
whilst a frigid wind did blow
twas piled high right and left
and I saw thru yon cleft
Igloos all in a row

Next: One fine sunny morning

One fine sunny morning
I heard eleven worms yawning.
Wait! That's wrong!
That's a Sesame Street song!
That just slipped in without warning.

Next:
It would have been better if I'd left it alone.

It would have been better if I'd left it alone
When last night I answered the phone
To a heavy breather
Whose surname was Cleaver
I asked if he needed a bone

NEXT: Carry on at your own peril

Carry on at your own peril
my wayward son, Terrill.
There'll be peace
if you don't cease
though all the world's wiped sterile.

NEXT:
All we are is dust in the wind

All we are is dust in the wind
Making me feel very chargrined
It's too much to think
so let's have a drink
and discuss the wit of Paul Lynde

NEXT:

I have been to hell and back

I have been to hell and back
There I saw Roberta Flack
Her voice really thilled me.
Softly she nearly killed me,
Then we returned to DC on AmTrak.

NEXT:

Once on a long train ride,

Once on a long train ride
I swear, I nearly cried
I saw this divine creature
With a handsome feature
And with him, was his bride!

NEXT: Luck be a lady tonight

Luck be a lady tonight
and send me a guy who's just right
on a 10-scale my date
should be better than 8,
and please, Luck, no transvestite.

NEXT:
If you're wearing a kilt in Chicago,

If you're wearing a kilt in Chicago
You better not go Commando
Cuz the winds do blow
and the next thing you know
I'll be laffing, Ho Ho Ho

**Giggle**

NEXT:
Twas a dark and stormy night

If you're wearing a kilt in Chicago,
Don't go out when the temp is zero
Your date for the night
will scream in fright
and ask very loudly "Where did it go?"

NEXT:

The pizza delivery guy at the door

Twas a dark and stormy night
The wind blew with all its might
I got to my date's
not too too late
But my hair was a regular fright.

NEXT:

The pizza delivery guy at the door

The pizza delivery guy at the door
Looked at his tip and asked me for more
I said, "please come in."
Real gratitude will begin
when we're naked together on the floor.

NEXT:
His leather pants seemed just a bit tight.

His leather pants seemed just a bit tight
He wondered if he ate too much tonight
That third slice
Of cake was nice
And so was his date. Life was all right.

NEXT: I love you but I keep you on a chain

(ahem! thinking of my dog, but run with it)

I love you but I keep you on a chain.
That choke collar could cause you some pain
If you don't do as I say
When I come 'round to play.
There'll be no treats for you if you complain.

(umm, yeah, thinking of a dog, too.)

Next:

Love me, even when I'm sadistic.

Love me, even when I'm sadistic
or I'll go totally ballistic
You can't have missed
I'm such a egotist
and not terribly realistic.

NEXT:

Help me get my boots off please

Help me get my boots off please
Just straddle my thigh to remove these
I like to feel
you tug on my heel
and slip each one off, you tease.

NEXT:

My favorite button-fly jeans

My favorite button-fly jeans
have given me the means
for a chance
in his pants
before all the other queens.

NEXT:

I crossed over to the other side

I crossed over to the other side.
I did nothing I feel I should hide.
I had broken my bike
so I had to hitchhike.
Thanks, Quislet and Lash, for the ride.

NEXT:

"This Buick has a big back seat."

This Buick has a big back seat
But too small for acrobatic feats
It's more swell
in a hotel
with room service and clean sheets.

NEXT:

On Christmas Eve, I saw Santa's sleigh

On Christmas Eve, I saw Santa's sleigh
But it was going the other way
His GPS
Was in a mess
He won't get here 'til Boxing Day.

NEXT: I'm waiting for the aliens to land

I'm waiting for the aliens to land
We'll all give them a great big hand
When they take DC's first resident --
the United States' president --
to Uranus it will be quite grand.

NEXT:

Republicans in outer space

Republicans in outer space
shouldn't feel out of place
Comets whizz
and stars fizz
an intelligent design to embrace

NEXT:

This year has been a mess

This year has been a mess
I'm overcome by stress
the war in Iraq
is run by a quack
aided by an addled Congress

next:
When things couldn't get any worse

When things couldn't get any worse
Someone writes another verse
a silly pun
is very fun
And I like that Lad Boy is perverse.

NEXT:

A cab driver from New York

A cab driver from New York
eating KFC meals with a spork
One day did flatten
Lower Manhattan
Cause his hemi had far too much torque.

NEXT:

This limerick is rated "R".

This limerick is rated "R"
It shouldn't be said in a car
Cause folks near and far
Will stare, their mouths ajar
Amazed at how witty you are

NEXT:

Hey there little Red Rocking Hood.

Hey there little Red Rocking Hood
Building a post count really good
from what I see
you're an alt-ID
role-playing as only Abin could.

Next:
It's a long way to Poughkeepsie

It's a long way to Poughkeepsie.
I went there once and got tipsy.
I met a strange lad.
With whom I was bad.
Next day, he ran off with a Gypsy.

Next:
Fifteen year-old, single-malt scotch

Fifteen year-old, single-malt scotch
Is one gift that no one could botch
I gave some to Pammie
We share a few drammies
But we never shared with Ed Koch

Next:
The Brits are already hung over

The Brits are already hung over
From Hadrian's wall to Dover
jolly good cheer
and warm beer
with Faraway Lad naked in the clover.

NEXT:

A new verse for the new year

A new verse for the new year
Let me make this clear
No one must edit
People must read it
Or else they say "Oh dear"

NEXT: Quislet is a champ

Quislet is a champ
Although a bit of a scamp
His posts are devine
His wit is sublime
And he lives near the I-93 ramp

Next:
Legionadventureman's habit

Legionadventureman's habit
Upset the new abbott
Making puns
for racey fun
While wearing a live rabbit

NEXT:

Kent gave a hard word to rhyme

Kent gave a hard word to rhyme,
but I'd bet more than a dime
that a limerick poster
who's a great coktail toaster
will post a reply in record time.

NEXT:

When Quislet is not in court suing

When Quislet is not in court suing
Or at the office Legion World viewing
I'd like to know
Where does he go?
And what else is he doing?

NEXT:

I wrote a limerick, dagnabbit

I wrote a limerick, dagnabbit
It's sure to become a habit
What to do
Write a haiku
Or spend hours watching Dick Cavett

NEXT:

I was sure this wouldn't last a page

I was sure this wouldn't last a page
But now limericks are all the rage!
Who knew simple rhyme
Would, in its due time,
So many of our posters engage?

Next:
You never know what folks will like

You never know what folks will like
Car, bus, subway, or bike.
I'm even quite certain
that sometimes a hurtin'
can be fun if given by Mike.

NEXT:

Have I become too naughty?

Have I become too naughty?
Said Lad Boy, his voice slightly haughty.
He knows his stuff.
He's just naughty enough.
And just a little bawdy.

Next:
I sometimes think I'm too nice.

I sometimes think I'm too nice
A little bit sugar, a little bit spice
But don't get me riled
My behaviour is already filed
for eating three blind mice

NEXT: Are we going too far?

Are we going too far?
Do reputations we mar?
by talking philander
our friends we slander
helping Quislet's clients by far

NEXT:
I believe Woodrow Wilson was right

I believe Woodrow Wilson was right
When he said, "I undress only at night
I don't want you to see
My satin lingeree.
By the gleam of the rosy dawn's light."

(I admit I took liberty with the pronunciation of "lingeree")

NEXT:
While scratching my thigh in September

While scratching my thigh in September
I suddenly seemed to remember
My strange allergy
To the sting of the bee.
And I was laid up till November.

Next:
Hip hip hurrah! Semi is back!

Hip hip hurrah! Semi is back!
His presence we've been at a lack
our prayers we did render
for our favorite bartender
let's hope he remains to unpack

NEXT:
The most amazing thing did occur

The most amazing thing did occur
While watching Heston in Ben Hur
The NRA
Thought it too gay
That Charlton's chest was lacking fur.

NEXT:

While walking my doggie in the town

While walking my doggie in the town
I was accosted by a clown
he spoke in rhyme
wasting my time
as he painted the town brown

NEXT:
Whilst visiting Scotland Yard

Whilst visiting Scotland Yard
I found a business card
"Mysteries plain
I can explain"
signed Inspector Lestrade

NEXT:

Traveling through France

Travelling through France
I happened by chance
To spot a sight
Which gave me a fright
The corpse of Jack Palance

NEXT: What happened next?

What happened next?
The Gendarmerie sought context
the actor's remains
with ruptured veins
made forensic experts vexed

next:
Inspector Clouseau found the clue

Inspector Clouseau found the clue
In a large pile of French goose poo
"A-ha!," he said,
"I know why he's dead,
And if you think hard, so will you!"

NEXT:

The reason he died is very clear

The reason he died is very clear
Billy Crystal pushed him under a steer
he refused you see
to make 'City Slickers 3'
'cause Palance would rather play 'Lear'

Next: After 700 Sundays in jail

After 700 Sundays in jail
Billy Crystalreally began to wail
Sorry I snuffed old Jack
If I could I'd take it back
And write another ending to this tale.

NEXT:

When Billy saw the hangman's noose

When Billy saw the hangman's noose
his bowels really let loose
He said a prayer
for the electric chair
Where he'd really get the juice.

NEXT:

On the way to the electric chair

On the way to the electric chair
They asked the barber to shave his hair
After all that trouble
He still had stubble
So Billy said "You should have used Nair!"

NEXT:

The power went out when they threw the switch

The power went out when they threw the switch
We didn't get to see him twitch
the courts say they can zap but once
the warden felt like such a dunce
When Billy got out without a hitch

NEXT: Free again, Billy was shunned

Free again, Billy was shunned
But mostly, the public was stunned
To see him appear
In a movie that year
As a cowboy who'd been out-gunned.

NEXT:

Billy called up Brittany Spears

Billy called up Brittany Spears
but she was out it appears
Kevin was in
his friend Martin
had been visiting for years

NEXT:

When will this story end?

When will this story end?
Right now, Quislet, old friend.
I don't mean to be snotty,
but this thread's grown un-naughty,
And that's an unsuitable trend.

NEXT:

If I met a half-drunken sailor,

If I met a half-drunken sailor,
I'd whisk him away to my trailer
Where I'd say please unzip
Your pants have a rip
And I must send them off to my tailor.

(Naughty enough for you, Lad Boy?)

NEXT:

Lad Boy went for a ride in the nude

Lad Boy went for a ride in the nude
We all whistled something crude
He had just worked out
We all had to shout
"Show us a bit more, you prude!"

(I tried to liven this up, but...

)

NEXT: What Lad Boy had to show

What Lad Boy had to show
left the crowd all aglow
not from sensation
but nuke radiation
from his Chernobyl childhood, you know

NEXT:
Legionadventureman's wit

Legionadventureman's wit
had made quite a hit
But these lines
aren't the kind
to make your sides split.

NEXT:

Under the burning sun of Tharr

Under the burning sun of Tharr
I wished upon that big hot star
For a glass of something cool
To drink beside the pool
Of the Inter-Galactic SHAKES Bar.

NEXT:

Watching syncho swim is just my style

Watching syncho swim is just my style
the graceful moves make me smile
I suspect
it gets no respect
But the speedos make it wothwhile.

NEXT:

As I await the coming of Spring

As I await the coming of Spring
I dream of taking to wing
to flee this grind
it's getting old, I find
Let's see what fate can bring

NEXT:
If I owned a flame-thrower

If I owned a flame-thrower
Instead of a crappy lawn-mower
I'd torch all the grass
And kick so much ass
I wouldn't even need a leaf-blower.

NEXT: Inside of my car is a mess...

Inside of my car is a mess
I shamefully confess
You'll find candy wrappers
Soda cans and stale crackers
And possible the monster from Loch Ness

NEXT:

The meter of that one was off

The meter of that one was off
Had to find out
What the fuss was all about
I opened the lid
Out popped a hairy Goth

NEXT: Wax on, wax Hoff?

Wax on, wax Hoff?
Cough cough cough cough
Next time
Remember the rhyme
Is off off on on off.

NEXT

And the first line needs at least six beats

And the first line needs at least six beats
To keep them on the edge of their seats
To rhyme well
is so swell
That's the way to make limerick feats

NEXT:

A lonely lawyer spent the afternoon

A lonely lawyer spent the afternoon
Watching his favorite cartoon
It wasn't a hoax.
That's all folks!
He"ll come out and play late in June.

NEXT:
I'm lying in bed all alone.

I'm lying in bed all alone
Looking longingly at the phone
Will he call?
- That cutie Paul -
And rescue me from the Phantom Zone.

NEXT

I saw Lad Boy sitting in the park

I saw Lad Boy sitting in the park
He was looking for a brand new lark
in the mood
for something crude
It was a very good thing it was dark.

NEXT:

While strolling in the park at twilight

While strolling in the park at twilight
I came across a most peculiar sight
There was Lad Boy
Reading Tolstoy
In Russian, exercising his linguistic might.

NEXT: In San Diego at the zoo

In San Diego at the zoo
I saw a most intriguing crew
They wore bizarre drapes
of all colors and shapes
Oh, wait, I'm at Comic-Con. Hoo!

Next: If I were a rock 'n' roll singer

If I were a rock 'n' roll singer.
My group would be called "The Dead Ringer"
I'd meet a nice broad.
Who believed me a god.
And back to my room I would bring her.

Next:

While on a starship to Naboo

While on a starship to Naboo
I was feeling a wee bit blue
The trip was a gift
To give me a lift
But I was lonely without you.

NEXT

While eating pork buns in Shanghai

While on a starship to Naboo
I met a guy who was faboo
Lil'rhino
Please be mine! Oh!
No need that you to me be true.

NEXT: One year later I did see

While eating pork buns in Shanghai.
I dropped some on my dang thigh.
One year later I did see
The same pork on my knee.
Still tasty, but a tad bit too dry.

Next:

What she's weain' seems a bit racy

While eating pork buns in Shanghai
a handsome man gave me the eye
A flirt
or a pervert
or just a very friendly guy

NEXT (Fat Cramer's line):

One year later I did see

One year later I did see
a guy from Tallahassee
his accent
meant
He was really from Tennessee

NEXT (Minesurfer's line):

What she's wearin' seems a bit racy

I knew I shouldn't have come back. LOL.

Since I worked both Semi's and Cramer's line into my limerick why don't we continue on with my next line? If everybody's agreeable.

(edit)

You're too quick Quis.

Quote

Originally posted by minesurfer:
I knew I shouldn't have come back. LOL.

Since I worked both Semi's and Cramer's line into my limerick why don't we continue on with my next line? If everybody's agreeable.

(edit)

You're too quick Quis.

And you were good to work both lines into one limerick

Quote

Originally posted by Quislet, Esq.:
And you were good to work both lines into one limerick

Aww shucks... I wouldn't say that. Just makin' do with what was provided. Heck, I only had to come up with 3/5 of a limerick. Made my job easier.

Very clever, minesurfer - and WELCOME back. We've missed you in limerickland.

What she's wearin' seems a bit racy
It's short and pink and rather lacy
To wear to mass
Since it shows her ass
But I don't care cause I love my Stacey.

NEXT

Wearing a bra and lace panties

Wearing a bra and lace panties
Left to her by both of her aunties.
He tore off her mink
That tree huggin' fink
Now he's wanted by three Vigilantes.

Next:

While riding a horse into town...

(edit)
Thanks Semi... The welcome back is appreciated. The holidays get very hectic for me and work was surprisingly busy when I came back. I kept an eye on the thread, but didn't really have time to put my best effort into any responses.

While riding a horse into town
A young lass stipped off her gown.
"You I think I've a
yearning for Godiva
Chocolate from this store that I found.

NEXT:
Month after month without Kate

Month after month without Kate
Has left us feeling quite great
Our anxiety's lightened
And our morals have tightened
Not worrying when her period is late.

NEXT:

There's something odd about Harry

There's something odd about Harry
He's not a guy I would marry
He has also a pop
Who loves a lamb chop
But no, I think that was Shari

NEXT: Semi is a great guy

There's something odd about Harry.
Those around him seem to be wary.
He seems very happy,
An elegant chappy!
Could it be that Harry was Mary?

Next:

A groundhog, a squirrel, and a fox...

Semi is a great guy
And not to terribly shy.
He lives at the docks,
With a squirrel and a fox.
Sharing a strawberry pie.

Next:

Kate went to confess all her sins

Kate went to confess all her sins
She was dating a guy with a great set of fins
His name was Arthur
Who lived with his mum, Martha
Kate thought: Who Dares Wins?

NEXT: Minesurfer's shooting the curl

Minesurfer's shooting the curl
Trying to impress a hot girl
He gives her a shout
And then he wipes out
Out of pity she gives him a whirl

NEXT: A Scotsman named Ian MacPhee

A Scotsman named Ian McPhee
Was so dense he could only count to three
He wanted to see more
When he counted to four
Instead was hit by a tree

NEXT: Lad Boy's loin-cloth

Lad Boy's loin cloth
Was eaten by a moth.
'Twill be a surprise
When he does arise
And reaches for it after his bawth.

Next:
That first line was too short

"Bawth"?????

That first line was too short
But it rhymed of a sort
It gets way too easy
To think up a sleazy
Verse from a card you just bought

NEXT: Rockhopper is a fine feathered bird

Rockhopper is a fine feathered bird
with a musical gift; have you heard
His specialty's oral
music...like...choral
Of his other gifts, don't say a word.

NEXT:
While sailing the harbor in Sydney,

While sailing the harbor in Sydney
I was soaked from foot to mid-knee
I knew something was wrong
The wind was so strong
That the boom swung into my kidney.

NEXT

My glamorous auntie from Rome

My glamorous auntie from Rome
Came to stay for three months in my home
She rolled all her "R"s
And raced in sports cars
Then moved on to my cousin in Nome.

NEXT:
She sang a mournful song about a bird

She sang a mournful song about a bird,
It was the saddest thing I'd ever heard
His name was Fred
And now he was dead
Cooked in a pie with vanilla cream curd.

NEXT:

I bought a new watch from Toledo

I bought a new watch from Toledo
From a guy on the street named Guido
It looked really cool.
People stared at the pool.
Cause it perfectly matched my white speedo.

NEXT:
If I had stayed home today

If I had stayed home today
I would have missed the byplay
Of Legion fans far and wide
Of whom I confide
Especially when Im in a mood so gay

NEXT: Lad Boy's black g-string

Lad Boy's black g-string
is really quite the thing
Sexy and hot
it hits the spot
But I'd rather have the bling

NEXT:

What should I do on my last day of work?

What should I do on my last day of work?
I'm not the kind who would snooze or would shirk
Maybe a long lunch
With the office bunch
One more week there and I could go beserk

NEXT: I saw the strangest sight today downtown

I saw the strangest sight today downtown
It involved a budgie and a clown
Playing dominos
In panties and black hose
While one wore a grin and the other a frown.

NEXT:

I sat on a pier in Halifax

I sat on a pier in Halifax
Sadly playing my alto sax
full of woe
for a lost beau
Cause when he left, he took all my slacks

NEXT:

Semi pulled on the fire alarm

Semi pulled on the fire alarm
While visiting Old MacDonald's farm
We're glad to say
He saved the day
And kept the animals from harm.

NEXT:

A hero's medal is on my chest

A hero's medal is on my chest.
He left it on when we undressed.
It hangs round his neck
And rests on my pec.
While his lips on mine are pressed.

Next:
Lad Boy came by for a cup of tea.

Lad Boy came by for a cup of tea --
Liked it so much he moved in with me.
We'd start off each day
with a sip of Earl Grey,
Now Earl's moved in too, quite happily.

NEXT:
What could be better than oolong?

What could be better than oolong?
Maybe Lad Boy in a sexy red thong
I'll indulge
in his bulge
It is what he wanted all along.

NEXT:

Could even Lad Boy's bulge cheer me up?

double post!

In an effort to get our PG-13 rating back, I've edited your first line.

Could even Lad Boy's bugle cheer me up
when I'm feeling down in the dumps?
His limericks are corny,
but he's brassy and horny
and makes my pulse speed up.

NEXT:
Quislet's a gifted tromboner.

Quislet's a gifted tromboner
His sister just isn't - disown her.
But she could play the drums
And she wasn't all thumbs
So some Martians decided to clone her.

NEXT: I once had a crush on a clam

I once had a crush on a clam,
A bearded one, named Sam
He kept to himself
On a rocky shelf
Deep in the sea of Siam.

NEXT:

What is the meaning of life?

What is the meaning of life?
Is it sweet or just horrible strife?
A question one asks
After too many flasks
When you aren't quite as sharp as a knife

NEXT: Once I went surfing in Utah

Once I went surfing in Utah
With an Andalusian putah
She had quite a bod
But her accent was odd
When she asked where was the wutah?

NEXT:

Outdoor Miner made that one too hard

Miner made that one too hard
But Semi's a modern-day bard
With razor-sharp wit
You know he won't quit
'Til he burns out his memory card.

NEXT:
Went shopping with baby today...

Went shopping with baby today
She makes me pay and pay and pay
But it's worthwhile
to see her smile
Much to my accountant's dismay.

NEXT:

My accountant called with bad news

My accountant called with bad news
So I had a case of the blues
I went out one day
To buy a scratchie, you say
I'm a millionaire with really bad shoes

NEXT: Money cures the blues

Money cures the blues
But then so does booze
I've been fired
which makes me tired
I think I'll take a snooze.

NEXT:

There was a fly in my clam chowder

"There was a fly in my clam chowder!"
I exclaimed this louder and louder.
It turns out, you see,
there a delicacy.
The Talokian chef could not have been prouder.

NEXT:

Today I feel quite hebetudinous.

Hebetudinous - according to word-a-day, is pronounced "heb-i-TOOD-n-uhs" (Just so you'd know where my rhymes come from)

Today I feel quite hebetudinous,
I think I'll forgo all rudeness
Instead I might
Let my mind take flight
Into the sordid realm of lewdness.

NEXT:

The mayor decreed we all must go

The mayor decreed we all must go
to see Semi's new art show
t'was quite the bash
Even when Lash
showed up wearing naught but a 'fro

Next:
I really need a new job

I really need a new job
with lots of time to hob-nob
With a Semi-transparent Fellow
and a Kid who is Yellow
and a bawdy bike-rider named Rob.

NEXT:

Moday's a great holiday

I really need a new job
with lots of time to hob-nob
With a Semi-transparent Fellow
and a Kid who is Yellow
and a bawdy bike-rider named Rob.

NEXT:

Monday's a great holiday

Double post.

Monday's a great holiday
We celebrate President's Day
By luck or by quirk
I don't have to work
So I'm missing the overtime pay.

NEXT: Ol' Dick is a pretty good shot...

Ol' Dick is a pretty good shot
His aim was well and true
Twas a pity
He wasn't Walter Mitty
Listening to Bush's gems of wisdom - not

NEXT: Rockhopper's lair is groovy

Rockhopper's lair is groovy
I filmed it once for a movie
a sequel was planned
but Bush had it banned
so I had to shoot in Peruvi'

(shortened from the Italian city of Peruvia)

NEXT:
When Brainiac Five plays guitar

When Brainiac Five plays guitar
He reminds me of Ravi Shankar
With his Hindu demeanor
He couldn't be keener
If he actually played the sitar.

NEXT:

A siren lured me to her lair

A siren lured me to her lair
She had some seaweed in her hair
She spoke in Greek
And said, "You geek!
I really wanted an au pair!"

NEXT: Whatever became of Quislet, Esquire?

Whatever became of Quislet, Esquire?
I tell you my friend, that man was on fire
He ruled the courts
With his knowledge of torts,
What a sad day if he decides to retire.

NEXT:

Lady Cramer slipped out the back door

Lady Cramer slipped out the back door
She wanted to jet to Azores
Or maybe Aruba
T'was time to scuba
And winter was becoming a bore

Next:
Semi sued Quislet you know

Semi sued Quislet you know
For stealing his blond afro
I can't go out
He said with a pout,
How could Quis have sunk so low?

NEXT

Kent concocted a powerful brew

Kent concoted a powerful brew
That made the girls (and not a few)
Run after him
But on a whim
He pursued just one, named Sue.

NEXT: On Friday nights in Idaho

On Friday nights in Idaho
everyone likes to see a show
it'll do
if not new
As long as it doesn't snow

NEXT:

A sailor with a bum leg

A sailor with a bum leg
Go it stuck in a whiskey keg
Gangreen set in
To his chagrin
So now he has a wooden peg.

NEXT:

A parrot walked into a bar

A parrot walked into a bar
Turning heads near and far
A woman named Molly
sneered "Nice feathers, Polly!"
The birds replied, "Get lost, crackar"

NEXT:
I got'cher bird right here

I got'cher bird right here
Very fine plumage m'dear
Look at this feather
It ain't seen the weather
Yup, this bird's without a peer.

NEXT:

The pirate dropped his pantaloons

The pirate dropped his pantaloons.
Or was it MLLASH? For whenever he moons
Quislet, Semi or me,
we respond accoringly
by tossing him Mardi Gras doubloons.

NEXT:

Is that a doubloon in your pocket?

Is that a doubloon in your pocket
Are you glad to see me?
Full of wealth and cheer
I'm so glad youre here
So here's your payment docket

NEXT: Remember the Alamo

Remember the Alamo
Then eat some salami
But if you don't care
Wear your underwear
Before you go-go.

(This was a LAM free-style limerick)

Now, back to real limericks. Pease remember, the rhyme scheme is "a-a-b-b-a."

NEXT:

Last night, I heard my favorite disco song

Last night, I heard my favorite disco song.
Saw gals and gals in just a thong.
On the eve of Mardi Gras
I stood in awe
And hoped that Nawlins will be back strong.

NEXT:

There's someting not right with that gourd.

Last night, I heard my favorite disco song
It's been stuck in my head all day long
I'm Stayin' Alive
Baby, I Will Survive!
STF, You Should be Dancin' in a sequined thong.

NEXT:

Have you heard the new song by ABBA?

Have you heard the new song by ABBA?
I think it was rather quite blah
Agnetha's mucus
bothered George Lucas
More than the song about a Hutt named Jabba.

NEXT:

The winter cold has frozen my bones.

The winter cold has frozen my bones
When I move it's just creaks and groans
Give me a toddy
To warm my body
And rid me of my pitiful moans.

NEXT:

He went to the strip club yesterday

He went to the strip club yesterday
In the mood to play and play
one too mank drink
makes it hard to think
So now he has to pay and pay and pay

NEXT:

Agnes went on a very long trip

Agnes went on a very long trip
With a very young man. She thought she was hip.
In windy Chicago
He dumped her in sorrow
On the radar of romance, this was but a blip.

NEXT: They sailed to France with Mick Jagger

They sailed to France with Mick Jagger
they entered port with a swagger
"mon dieu!" Monique quips,
"E's got a 'uge set of lips!"
But old Mick proceded to bag her

NEXT:
Where in the world is my frisbee?

Where in the world is my frisbee?
Could it be lying low in Grimsby?
A lovely town
Of scarce reknown
Oh let it be there, oh please be!

(It was lame, but frisbee is hard to rhyme)

NEXT:

We will all meet up in San Diego

We will all meet up in San Diego
we will all dance the fandango
the time shall be grand
it will get out of hand
like some drunk psychadelic tango

NEXT:
I can't wait til July rolls around

I can't wait 'til July rolls around
And the old San Diego downtown
should be doub-lly sweet
to be off of the street
when the heat can fry eggs on the ground!

next?

Who lost their flight ring at the beach?

Who lost their flight ring at the beach?
Its owner I now do beseech
To come and reclaim
This trinket of fame
And suffer the "be careful" speech.

NEXT: I got a flat tire today...

I got a flat tire today
Being at work rather than play
It was hard going
Jacking and slowing
Being on my knees to pray

NEXT: Bless you, my son

Father Mike said Bless you, my son
Now is the time you must run
The regent's discovered
The plot you uncovered
To keep the throne from the king's son.

NEXT:

He pull his hair and let out a scream

He pull his hair and let out a scream.
He act like he drunk on Jim Beam.
I says to you "Who knew
that Borbon Street voodoo
not quite as fake as it seem?"

NEXT:
You don't care to ponder the alternative.

"You don't care to ponder the alternative,"
Said Lucy McGill as she pulled out her shiv
My hands in the air
I said, "I don't care,"
"Without your love, I've no reason to live."

NEXT

Lad Boy announced he'd found his calling

Lad Boy announced he'd found his calling
turns out it's rather appalling.
neither medicine nor law.
no, it's something quite raw
and total strangers find it enthralling.

NEXT:

It's time to get back to work.

It's time to get back to work
At my job as a soda jerk
I work at the mall
With my friend Paul
Who work's at Macy's as a clerk.

NEXT:

In ancient Rome a dagger was drawn

In ancient Rome a dagger was drawn,
By an artist who sat on the lawn.
He drew it on scolls
with chalks and coals.
It was hung in the senate at dawn.

NEXT:

Are you sure the jury was hung?

"Are you sure the jury was hung?"
She said, licking her lips with her tongue
"The foreman was small
Not impressive at all
And the rest seemed too old or too young."

NEXT:

Bertha knocked the judge to the floor

(P.S., kudos to Lad Boy for not taking the obvious meaning (given the context) of "drawn")

Bertha knocked the judge to the floor
when she burst through the courtroom door.
The Baliff said, "it's my duty,
on behalf of Judge Judy,
to lock you up so you can't do that any more."

NEXT:
Your meaning's obvious, given the context.

Your meaning's obvious, given the context
Although you invited me here on a pretext
I choose to abide
Let differences slide
And calmly await whatever may come next.

NEXT: The moon was full and the water cold

The moon was full and the water cold
The lovers were young but their story old
'Tween feuding clans
Forging secret plans
Finding peace 'neath the waves, I'm told

NEXT:
Over the sea to Skye

Over the sea to Skye
Oh how I wish I could fly
To my true love
Just like a dove
Ere from missing her I die.

(Edited because I forgot to provide the next line).

NEXT:

I fell in love with a dancer

Quote

Originally posted by Lad Boy:
He pull his hair and let out a scream.
He act like he drunk on Jim Beam.
I says to you "Who knew
that Borbon Street voodoo
not quite as fake as it seem?"

NEXT:
You don't care to ponder the alternative.

I just reread this and realized how clever it was. You took my spelling mistake (which resulted in a grammatical error) and used that throughout your limmerick. I really laughed when I saw what you had done. Very good, Lad Boy.

I fell in love with a dancer
She needed naught to enhance her
Said I, "My sweet Marie,
Shall we flee to gay Paree?"
But she did not give me an answer

NEXT:
She lost her heart in old Quebec

She lost her heart in old Quebec
it left her quite a wreck
Looking high & low
Wouldn't you know
She found it with a Czech.

NEXT:

Anne went on a whirl-wind shopping spree

Anne went on a whirl-wind shopping spree
But before she left, she forgot to pee
Oh god, crud
There was a flood
Because no-one could find the bathroom key.

(Sorry, I was just feeling a little juvenile.)

NEXT:

Tommy, the mall boy, mopped up the mess

Anne went on a whirl-wind shopping spree
Buying up big a dress or three
But as she went to pay
A salesgirl was heard to say
"Three people could fit into that dress, you agree?"

NEXT: Profanity is verboten

Damn! I overlooked Semi's verse!!!!

Tommy the mall boy mopped up the mess
Anne looked a sight in her sopping wet dress
She said "How dreadful"
He said "Your med's full"
How he worked again is anyone's guess!

NEXT: Profanity is verboten (Take two)

Profanity is verboten (Take two
Prozac, and please think before you
Post it
No sh**
You'll regret bad language if you do.)

NEXT: Our time here is so fleeting and so brief

Our time here is so fleeting and so brief
mortality stalks us like a thief
look not for answers
give way not to cancers
in daily blessings seek your relief

NEXT:
laugh at the face of death

Laugh at the face of death
As you take your final breath
Follow the light
First star to the right
Taking care to stay on the path.

NEXT:

Life is but a dream, sha-boom, sha-boom

Life is but a dream, sha-boom, sha-boom
I sing and dance my way to doom
Although my next life
May see more strife
The time 'til then is free from gloom.

NEXT: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle called from beyond the grave

(It's Death in Limericks Day!)

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle called from beyond the grave,
Sherlock are you there you narcotic addicted knave?
You left your tattered shroud
When you visited my cloud
To see if you could borrow a bowl of Burma shave.

NEXT:

My grandma spoke through the Ouija Board

My grandma spoke through the Ouija Board
she said that grandpa still snored
heaven's too Orwellian
and hell's too Falwellian
she says purgatory's your best reward

NEXT:
I see dead people all day

I see dead people all day
It's not as bad as they say
They're quiet
not prone to riot
And the mortuary is on the way.

NEXT:

Today I bought my cemetary plot

Today I bought my cemetary plot
Which is where I'll leave my body to rot
While I fly free
Into eternity
And find the answers to all I have sought.

NEXT:

On her way to the gallows, Susan cried

On her way to the gallows, Susan cried
People called her the killer bride
(Spouse #5
No longer alive)
Better to hang than to be fried.

NEXT: Enough of death, it's time for lunch

"Enough of death, it's time for lunch,"
declared the hangman on a hunch
but the jars of food
did his grip elude
'Til the guillotine let him munch

NEXT:
I shall learn to sail the seas

I shall learn to sail the seas
and head to the Florida Keys
a cool drink
will go, I think,
with the warm tropical breeze.

NEXT:

Alice took a cross country trip.

Alice took a cross country trip
To show her kids she was hip
They thought her square
So she took the dare
Got on her Harely and let it rip.

Next:

She reached Wisconsin on a rainy day

She reached Wisconsin on a rainy day
But she found people cheerful & gay
wouldn't you know
a big rainbow
over the clear waters of Green Bay.

NEXT:

Alice then drove to the Southwest

Alice then drove to the Southwest
Where she enjoyed a chile fest
She drank lots of beer
Then that poor dear
Had to lie down and take a rest.

NEXT:

Then into Texas on her Harley she rode

Then into Texas on her Harley she rode
Behind a big rig with a heavy load
She gave birth
in Fort Worth
And that is why her legs are so bowed.

NEXT:

And so Alice's trip came to an end

And so Alice's trip came to an end
In a town on Lake Huron, named Grand Bend
She settled down
With a circus clown,
Who had just left his bearded lady friend.

NEXT:

Let's all go out and get so drunk

Let's all go out and get so drunk
Go to a bar and pick up a hunk
Find a hairdresser
Who was a transgresser
And come out looking so punk

NEXT: Variety is the spice of life

Variety is the spice of life
So said P Diddy and Barney Fife
there's no sense denying
that time is a-flying
Live a little and have no strife

NEXT:
If I could fly among the stars

If I could fly among the stars
Travel to Jupiter or maybe Mars
Id like to be
As far as could be
From a world where people's heads are in jars

NEXT: Who'd'a thought it?

Who'd'a thought it?
Kevin and Brit
together one baby
he's gay - maybe
How many days til they split?

NEXT:

Shakespeare said "All the world is a stage"

"Shakespeare said 'All the world is a stage,'"
Quislet noted, posting from his cage
The Bard wrote the verse
His troupe did rehearse
Though his times were full of the phage

NEXT:
The Bard lived a difficult life

The Bard lived a difficult life
T'was full of woe and full of strife
Yet when the gloom
Did his heart entomb
He sought solace in Anne, his wife.

NEXT:

Rosencrantz loved Guildenstern

Rosencrantz loved Guildenstern
It gave Hamlet little concern
What mattered to him
Was whether Ophelia could swim...
Oops, maybe he'll give poor Horatio a turn.

NEXT:

The lady doth protest too much.

The lady doth protest too much
Oft' times methinks it is her crutch
She asks her nurse
To fetch her purse
So that she and I can go dutch.

NEXT:

Would he were wasted, marrow, bones and all

Would he were wasted, marrow, bones and all
And so it happens to many when the booze falls
It flows into his glass
He turns into an ass
But for the sober he's quite a ball.

NEXT:

So many of men have come and laid

So many men have come and laid
down beside the milking maid.
The bed of straw
was the draw,
for with her they never played.

NEXT:

It was a day like no other

It was a day like no other
The day I met my twin brother
He was drunk
As a skunk
A trait he got from our mother.

NEXT:

My brother was wearing something strange

My brother was wearing something strange
Clothes and shoes beyond his range
And now his ass sags
Especially in drag
That's why his fashion has to change.

NEXT:

She bends over to touch her toes

(Have we hooked Viviane into writing limericks?)

She bends over to touch her toes
and causes a run in her hose
up to her back
showing her crack
That's just the way everything goes.

NEXT:

Bob exercises to stay fit and trim

Bob exercises to stay fit and trim
He does his exercises at the gym
In a pink leotard
He borrowed from Bernard
Heaven forbid he should look too prim.

NEXT

Showing butt crack is all the rage

Showing butt crack is all the rage
As long as you're not showing your age
Or overly wide
Or have much to hide
Or if your name's Dick Armitrage.

NEXT: Summer fashions may leave me cold

Summer fashions may leave me cold
But others are so bold
I best work out some time soon
Or go crazy as a loon
Wondering if my g-stringed butt is too old

NEXT: The world is not enough

The world is not enough
I want more, he said with a huff
Give me Mars
Give me the stars
So I'll have a place to store my stuff.

NEXT:

Auntie Mae baked forty pies

Auntie May baked forty pies
It only took forty tries
She's not a good cook
at least in my book
at a bakery is where she buys

NEXT:

Slick Willie got caught in a jam

Slick Willie got caught in a jam
Sending Congressmen lots of spam
His conduct abhorent
Gave rise to a warrant
And now Willie is on the lam.

NEXT:

Snow White and her troop of little men

Snow White and her troop of little men
Were walking through the forest and then,
A grizzly attacked
It bit and it hacked
Now their corpses are stacked in its den.

NEXT: I can't believe Viv posted here...

I can't believe Viv posted here...
of her talents I had no idea
beautiful and refined
with intelligence combined
Makes us glad that she was willing to share.

NEXT:

This praise caused Viviane to blush

This praise cause Viviane to blush
All the blood to her face did rush
Her knees went weak
She felt so meek
And in gratitude, she did gush.

NEXT:

Viviane came back to SHAKES

Viviane came back to SHAKES
Which isn't far from her lakes
She ordered a drink
A Martini, I think
The kind only Semi best makes

NEXT:
While at SHAKES Viviane did meet

While at SHAKES Viviane did meet
A cute little pup whom she called Pete
She took him home
To her tower in Rome
And fed him exotic ostrich meat.

NEXT:

I was just wondering if you might

I was just wondering if you might
Get off the ground, stand up and fight
For a woman such as I
You can take a black eye
Or else your sex life will take a plight.

NEXT:

Come into my little house

Come into my little house
Say hello to my hairy spouse
Pull up a chair
And play truth or dare
And dine on a little mouse

NEXT: Meeting new people is fun!

Meeting new people is fun!
Nothing better under the sun!
We'll meet and we'll greet
And then you're dead meat
So says Atilla the Hun

NEXT:
Something else else titmouse this way comes

Something else else titmouse this way comes
Hitting heads and banging drums
Saw a mouse trap before it
A Cheese log with trimmings afore it
Now the titmouse is all thumbs

NEXT: LAM is such a hopeless case

LAM is such a hopeless case
The doctor said with downcast face
Just send the bill
'Fore he's too ill
To pay, by Mammon's grace.

NEXT: You don't want to mess with the Limerick Clique

(P.S. I suggest that we henceforth disallow self-referential limericks. Is the Limerick Review Board in session?)

You don't want to mess with the Limerick Clique
or the Limerick sheik's sixth sheep that's sick
or really bad bad Leroy Brown
or disgusting Crusty the Clown
for if you do, you'll get a swift kick.

NEXT:
When I was a lad, boy was I eager

*Thumbs nose at the LRB*

When I was a lad, boy was I eager
but my resources were very meager
Now here's the switch
I have gotten rich
and now I am a major leaguer

NEXT: Thumbs nose at the Limerick Review Board

Thumbs nose at the Limerick Review Board,
You're no better than the mouse that roared.
You've no power here
I've nothing to fear
Why you're nothing but a cheesy hoard.

(By the way, am I member of the Limerick Review Board?)

NEXT:

Little Miss Muffet was in for a shock

Little Miss Muffet was in for a shock
When she leaned over the engine block
A lustful mechanic
Behaved a bit manic
And Muffet with elbow his ribs did sock.

NEXT: He was looking for love in all the wrong places

He was looking for love in all the wrong places,
Concentrating only on beautiful faces
The plain he ignored
By acting quite bored
And showing to all he had no social graces.

NEXT:

I met an elf in a wooded glen

I met an elf in a wooded glen
She told me her name was Wren
We danced with glee
'Neath the old tree
But she'd not take me to her den

NEXT:
I hired an out-of-work Dalek

I hired an out-of-work Dalek
to DJ a party in Quebec
He did such a bad job
that a huge lynch mob
left the disco a horrible wreck

NEXT:

Up in the sky was a flying nun

Up in the sky was a flying nun
From the cops she was on the run
Sister Bertrille
Had learned to steal
By blessing the rich with the butt of her gun.

NEXT:

Gidget and Moondoggie went to the beach

Gidget and Moondoggie went to the beach
But all the good waves were too far to reach
So they sat on the rocks
And knitted some socks
Which wasn't much fun, but his own to each.

NEXT: They secretly met each evening at eight

They secretly met each evening at eight
A tawdry affair to which many relate.
But after they greet
Their loins surely meet
Such is the life of our dear lovely Kate.

Next:

A subtle young man in the shade...

A subtle young man in the shade...
Such a boring man I have ever seen made
He was no hunk or Cupid
More like just plain stupid
Yet somehow the dork gets laid.

NEXT:
Green hair is all the jazz

Green hair is all the jazz
and that is no razzmatazz
a do so bold
is like gold
So sayeth Pizzazz.

NEXT:

A Southern belle from Savannah

A Southern belle from Savannah
Wearing only a bright red bandana
Was waiting alone
For her boyfriend to phone
Or show up with his ripened banana.

Next:

Another Belle with appeal...

Another Belle with appeal
her glee could not conceal
No gripes
about bananas ripe
Boy did she love to squeal.

NEXT:

Belle had a cat fight with Kate

Belle had a cat fight with Kate
Over a dispute they hate
Someone had trifled
With affections stifled
And now poor Kate is late

NEXT: Showdown in the ladies room

Showdown in the ladies room
The screeching caused a sonic boom
The maid of honor
Was a goner
'Cause she'd dared to kiss the groom.

NEXT:

Flowers bloom and birdies sing

Flowers bloom and birdies sing
Because here's the thing
Never cheat, never lie
Respect your fellows, why?
Cause nobody in this world is king

NEXT: Big hugs are the norm

Big hugs are the norm
They keep you nice and warm
To add to the bliss
Give her a kiss
So she'll take you home to her dorm

NEXT:
Wear nothing but a smile!

Wear nothing but a smile
Stay put for a while
You can't go wrong
If you wear a black thong
And prove to be quite agile

NEXT: Happy days are here again

Happy days are here again
Please allow me to explain
Instead of "ma-ma"
My baby said "da-da"
I'm so proud of cute little Rahne.

Next:

A streetwalking girl named Janelle...

A streetwalking girl named Janelle
Had a talent oh so swell
She could hang upside down
From a lamppost in town
And still service her johns quite well.

NEXT:

My mother is truly a lady

My mother is truly a lady
She'd never do anything shady
She likes single malt
And hasn't a fault
And she's much classier than Mom Brady.

NEXT: The ice hockey team from Waikiki

The ice hockey team from Waikiki
Was really rather quite sneaky
They couldn't skate
So they used naked Kate
To distract by ice-dancing freaky.

NEXT:

A beauty queen from Algonquin

(Rhymes with "shin")

A beauty queen from Algonquin
Was trying to shout above the din
To order a jar
In a Sudbury bar
She feared she had become a has-been.

NEXT: A girl and a duck and a moose

A girl and a duck and a moose
Rode the rails in a caboose
In one maneuver
They came to Vancouver
Where they took in a Canada goose

NEXT:
You ought to go to Ottawa

You ought to go to Ottawa
Or to Niagara for the Shaw
Or Grand Bend for the beach
Ontario's within your reach
And while you're there, go see my ma.

NEXT:

I grew up on a Great Lake

You ought to go to Ottawa
Where the weather is not quite hottewer
Scream if you heard this
But not all is bliss
Riding the back of an otter - wha?

NEXT: Let's all go for a swim

I grew up on a Great Lake
Upon the beach we would make
sand castles gigantic
Mom would get frantic
and yell at my brother Jake.

Let's all go for a swim
to stay fit and trim
diet & exercise
stay away from fries
And you'll be known as "Slim"

NEXT: What did Alice see in the bedroom?

What did Alice see in the bedroom,
Peering out at her from the gloom?
Was it a ghoul
Dripping with drool
Arisen from hell to seal her doom?

NEXT,

Not a ghoul, she was relieved to find

Not a ghoul, she was relieved to find
just a mouse, but one that's blind
a little squeak
so don't freak
a little cheese would be so kind

NEXT:

From the parlor walked the lazy cat

From the parlor walked the lazy cat
Oh so slowly 'cause she was so fat
From eating field mice
Over warm fried rice
And once in a while a large juicy rat.

NEXT:

The dog looked at the cat with disdain

The dog looked at the cat with disdain
His canine feelings were plain
Because the cat forgot
That you never squat
While the plumber was fixing the drain

NEXT: When will the malt shop open?

When will the malt shop open?
pretty soon is what I'm hopin'
I'm having tics
for my chocolate fix
and not having any luck copin'

NEXT: The old spinster went to the beach

The old spinster went to the beach
Wearing a muu-muu colored pale peach
The sand was too hot
So she lay on her cot
Hoping the sun would her hair bleach.

NEXT:

While at the beach, she went for a swim

While at the beach, she went for a swim
Hoping she could forget about him
Then she lay in the sand
But felt too un-manned
She took out her cell phone and called on a whim.

NEXT: The waves were wild and foaming that day

The waves were wild and foaming that day
Bad for swimming is what they say
with a cheery grin
off she went in
And got pulled out of San Francisco bay.

NEXT:

They gave her a burial at sea

They gave her a burial at sea
At least that's what they told me
They stood in a hush
Then heard the big flush
as she went out like a dead guppy.

NEXT:
I'm re-reading my funeral plan.

I'm re-reading my funeral plan
It's going to take place in Milan
Men with white gloves
Will release doves
To guide my soul to the next age of man.

NEXT:

When I arrive at the pearly gates

When I arrive at the pearly gates
I hope to be reunited with my mates
We will hold a big party
So We drink hearty
and forget about bringing dates

NEXT: Just wait till equal opportunity finds out!

Just wait til equal opportunity finds out!
I'm certain they'll cause a big shout!
But once they get tarty
We'll invite them to party
And I'll serve up some premium stout

NEXT: St. Peter stopped by for a pint

St. Peter stopped by for a pint
Hoping to save a mint (sorry...couldnt rhyme)
He took up a collection
Which was, by reflection
Enough to send everyone skint

NEXT: It's only a website, by gosh

It's only a website, by gosh
But I like to come here and nosh
On cookies that crunch
And yak with a bunch
Of lunatics, senior and frosh.

NEXT: It's "Go To Work If You Love It Day"

It's "Go To Work If You Love It Day"
The work's boring, but I like the pay.
My co-workers are rude
The boss is stewed
In my cubicle is where I'll stay.

NEXT: I'm really not pessimistic at all

I'm really not pessimistic at all
Which could be because of the quite nasty fall
I had on my head
Now I'm feeling no dread
And I'm running my credit cards up at the mall.

NEXT: Chocolate is better than ice cream, he said

Chocolate is better than ice cream, he said.
There's no way to choose cold stuff instead.
When after a date
With your lovely mate
You're whispering sweet nothings in bed.

Next: There once was a guy from west Texas.

There once was a guy from west Texas,
With a warped idea of justice.
He started a war,
His people, ignored.
And now we all boo his ass.

Next:
Started with friends out on the town

Started with friends out on the town
But saw something that just got me down
At a trendy dive
did arrive
My ex on the arm of some clown.

NEXT:

Violet did a dance of spring

Violet did a dance of Spring,
She got the season in full swing.
It's the season of the bunny,
So come on honey,
Celebrate my Ding-a-ling!

Next: (for you Snoopy fans)

It was a dark and stormy night

It was a dark and stormy night
to me, that was all right
Whilst others did feign
I danced in the rain
on the lovely Isle of Wight

Next:
you ought to see the doctor

you ought to see the doctor
who developed a shock cure
For the test
you may rest
Assured that there will be a proctor.

NEXT:

Adam graded the students' tests

Adam graded the students' tests
Failed the ones with family crests
C's for redheads
D's for deadheads
Ruined the school's chance for bequests.

NEXT: He went for a dip in the Lazarus Pit

He went for a dip in the Lazarus Pit
Thought it was a hot tub with a place to sit
Then with a smirk
He went berserk
And with a sword, Ra's skull he did split.

NEXT:

Talia was left alone to mourn

Talia was left alone to mourn
After her baby boy was born
Her beloved hadn't come
(He was a bit of a bum)
So she settled for being forlorn

Next: The grass was a bit greener

The grass was a bit greener
The air a little bit cleaner
To tell the truth
these memories of youth
are criminal - maybe a misdemeanor.

NEXT:

Is it time to say a sweet good night?

Is it time to say a sweet goodnight?
But we're having such fun, it doesn't seem right.
Won't you stay a bit longer?
Have a drink, sing a song dear
And we'll party till the first morning light.

Next:

I really don't like sauce on my chips

I really don't like sauce on my chips.
In fact, I just don't care for dips.
I just have to say
There's a much better way
To make use of my tongue and my lips.

NEXT:
I'm visiting western Miami.

I'm visiting western Miami.
I have an aunt there who does origami.
She'll bend and she'll twist anything in her grip,
It can bring tears to your eyes let me tell you.

NEXT:

The weather today is just fine.

Nice poem WWC, but it is not a limerick.

Limericks are 5 lines and the rhyming scheme is AABBA. And usually lines 3&4 are of shorter length than 1,2,&5.

The weather today is just fine.
Clear blue skies with bright sunshine
A grassy field
will yield
a picnic spot upon which to dine.

NEXT:

They are dancing in the streets

Okay, got you, no problem, let me think.....

Ehm...Okay:

They are dancing in the streets,
Cause they're giving out free sweets
Chocs and toffees to swallow,
Cola Cubes and Marshmallows
Oh we love those tasty treats

NEXT:

I missed my bus today,

I missed my bus today,
So I rode in on a sleigh.
Pulled by a horse,
Just one, of course.
And we jingled all the way.

Next:
I had trouble with my umbrella

I had trouble with my umbrella
Which pissed off this bella
Because I was running from Stanley
A chap that is very manly
And for some reason kept yelling, "Stella!"

Next:
Why, of course he was hard

Darn, Viviane did beat me to the umbrella limerick

Why, of course he was hard
and went by the name of Bernard
From a planet
where all are granite
and like things that are avant-garde.

NEXT: The little old lady from Pasadena

The little old lady from Pasadena
Wanted to be a lion tamer
She stepped into the cage
Feeling terriblly brave
And was never seen ever again..Aah!

(Okay, even I admit that was bad)

NEXT: I never eat fish on a Monday

I never eat fish on a Monday
But always eat hot fudge sundaes
I'm making a stop
at the Ice Cream Shoppe
and impress them with my Hyundai.

NEXT:

A puppy who chased his own tail

A puppy who chased his own tail
To catch it, he miserably did fail
He got tired and sat on the track
Got hit by a train in the back
And got carried back home in a pail.

NEXT:

My granny has lost her new dentures

My granny has lost her new dentures
Invested in sinking debentures
She's learned how to dance
And is selling the manse
She's off on some wild adventures.

NEXT: He lived in a house with a gator named Fred

He lived in a house with a gator named Fred
And he was terribly well read
He read poems by Keats
He'd read Shakespeare for weeks
Till one day Fred went and bit off his head.

NEXT:He was a teacher named Adolphus McQuinn

He was a teacher named Adolphus McQuinn.
If I only knew where to begin.
His lessons were pallid
Like twelve day old salad
At the bottom of a slimy trash bin.

Next:

A student named Trevor McGee

A student named Trevor McGee
entered the school spelling bee.
All was going well,
easy words to spell,
til he got the word "bourgeoisie".

NEXT:

The winner was little Molly Jones

The winner was little Molly Jones.
The judge's mouth was filled with three scones.
When he said "bourgeoisie"
She spelled "burgercheese"
And claimed they were homophones.

NEXT:

A dejected young fella named Trevor...

A dejected young fella named Trevor
Embarked on a different endeavor.
With words very quick,
he composed a limerick.
Now all the girls think he is too clever.

NEXT:

Saturday night Trevor had a hot date.

Saturday night Trevor had a hot date
He took her dancing things were going great
But the whole crowd gave a cheer
When he slipped on a puddle of beer
Then his date laughed and went home with his mate

NEXT:

Sunday morning Trevor didn't feel so good

Sunday morning Trevor did not feel so good.
No one really believed that he should.
After sleeping face down
In a woolen night gown
Propped only by his morning wood.

Next:

A man walking alone in a garden...

A man walked alone in a garden
He turned around when somebody said pardon
And stood standing there
Was a girl, almost bare
All that she had was a hat on.

NEXT:

I have an incontinent puppy named Sid

I have an incontinent puppy named Sid
About something like this I never would kid
An adorable guy
But how I did cry
When upon one of his presents I slid.

NEXT:

There was a funny guy named Edward Lear

There was a funny guy named Edward Lear
Who wrote some funny limericks in the year
Of 1846
And put us in this fix
Of seeking rhymes that will not make folks jeer.

NEXT: A limerick a day, the doctors advise

A limerick a day, the doctors advise.
Makes one happy, wealthy and wise.
So write one now
I'll show you how
Use this template and take a few tries.

Next: Writing limericks is too much fun

Writing limericks is too much fun
It can be enjoyed by everyone
If they just take the time
to think up a rhyme
then they'll see how easy it's done.

NEXT:I've just seen this really great film

I've just seen this really great film
Twas about the Kaiser Wilhelm
Dubbed over from German
My date, she was squirmin
She'd have rather seen Fred, Barney and Wilm'

NEXT: I really need more exercize

I really need more exercize
For I'm starting to blow up in size
But I love ice cream
Mixed with jelly beans
On top of the custard on my apple pie.

NEXT:BOY! That lady could dance!

Boy! That lady could dance!
All because of the ants,
who, earlier that day,
had found their way
Into (and stayed in) her pants.

Next:
I need to buy a new shirt

I need to buy a new shirt
to wear on my date with Burt
Unless I'm wrong,
I won't need it for long
And if I do, I'll be a bit hurt.

Next:
Today I feel hebetudinous.

Today I feel hebetudinous
To be so disposed can be ruinous
A quickness of mind
Helps complete the day's grind
And leads to a life that's fortuitous

NEXT:

While strolling the streets of Sevilla

While strolling in the streets of Sevilla
I met a confused gorilla
He seemed to be in shock
And he was wearing a frock
And carrying a frilly pink ladies umbrella

NEXT:

The guy next door to me has bought a new car

The guy next door to me has bought a new car
Why, he doesn't drive far?
His name is Quislet,
He is the shizznet.
And now my name he will mar.

Next:

Hiking in the mountains, a mile high

Hiking in the mountains, a mile high
I suddenly thought I saw Popeye!
Confused to be sure
I reached for a cure
A devoured a slice of Key Lime Pie!

NEXT: A work week sure can be mundane

A work week sure can be mundane
This 9-to-5 will be the bane
Of my poor life
This place is rife
With dull routine. Drives me insane.

NEXT: I voted for the leader of our clan

I voted for the leader of our clan
She had a positive fiscal plan
Although she waxes
about raising taxes
It's only for those living in Japan.

NEXT:

The debates raged all through the night

The debates raged all through the night
With each side insisting they're right
'bout which one would last longer
and who's case was the stronger
But concluded at dawn's early light.

NEXT:

My modem is really the pits

My modem is really the pits.
It misses more than it hits.
So I did upgrade
To one for which I paid
More dough than a night at the Ritz.

Next:
We shared a carafe of red wine

We shared a carafe of wine
Crushed from grapes fresh from the vine
But I won't soon forget
How the red stain did set
In my pants made of linen so fine.

NEXT:

Some wine, a kiss, then to bed

Some wine, a kiss, then to bed
in first my legs, then my head
bed spins of doom
how I wish the room wouldn't zoom
my mouth tastes like lead, I wish I were dead!

NEXT:

the large white phone rings

The large white phone rings
Into the speaker, Raven sings
A cheery "hello"
but alas oh no
It's a chap selling somethings.

NEXT:

The long bridge was very high

The long bridge was very high
I could almost touch the sky
and it's true
It's really blue
With clouds like chiffon pie.

NEXT:

The LW gang in San Diego

The LW gang in San Diego
piled into a Winnebago
for a trip
with a dip
to Trinidad and Tobago.

NEXT:

I went for a spin in a Time Bubble

I went for a spin in a Time Bubble
a short trip, looking for trouble
paradoxes made me think
now I need a drink
hell, make it a double.

Next:

It's been a wild summer

It's been a wild summer
Almost bought me a Hummer
Yet, alas once again
It has come to an end
Now isn't that truly a bummer?

NEXT:

Vacations are always too short

Vacations are always too short
suddenly you're at the last port
you fly out of Rome
heading for home
often seated next to a Voldemort

NEXT:
My airline was quite Satanic

My airline was quite Satanic.
The flight crew ran around in a panic.
From what I surmise,
It's quite a surprise
The plane didn't crash in the Atlantic.

Next:
A Deputy Leader named Kent

A Deputy Leader named Kent
Almost forgot to pay rent
On the Admin's HQ
But save the boo hoo
'cause from Vegas it was promptly sent.

NEXT:

2008 is the 50th

2008 is the 50th
thought some might say we're the shiftyeth
From Botany Bay
to London Quay
the gathering will be the niftyeth

NEXT:
50th isn't easy to rhyme

50th isn't easy to rhyme,
Vee, you unconscionable slime.
If I had my way,
Kent'd make you pay
For making him waste so much time.

NEXT:
I seem to have much staphylococcus.

I seem to have much staphylococcus.
I feel worse than a night in Secaucus.
But come high water or hell,
I know I'll be well
By the time of the next Iowa caucus.

Next:
Rhyming medical terms is quite tough.

Rhyming medical terms is quite tough.
But Rockhopper Lad is up to snuff
Given enough time
He'll find a rhyme
Just don't call me on my bluff.

NEXT:

There once was a girl named Synde

There once was a girl named Synde
Who guest-starred on Mork and Mynde
Then she traveled quite far
to appear on E.R.
Caused she liked the city that's wynde.

NEXT:

If chocolate were better than sex,

If chocolate were better than sex,
I wouldn't so much miss my ex
good-bye my Kelly
hello Ghiradelli
my freedom would not be a vex

NEXT:

If water tasted like wine

If water tasted like wine,
Even if it were brine,
Then I'd take a notion
To swallow an ocean,
Then to Europe to drink up the Rhine.

Next:
We went for a dance on a cloud

We went for a dance on a cloud
The audience was very much wowed
the two of us were sweet
until he stepped on my feet
And I swore a blue streak out loud.

NEXT:

Do people still like this thread?

Do people still like this thread?
Or would they prefer to write sonnets instead?
Or maybe Haiku
would be right for you --
Perhaps Legion World poetry's dead?

NEXT:
Is that your tongue in my ear?

Is that your tongue in my ear?
on that point I wasn't clear.
It is risky
to make me so frisky
Because you'll get what's coming, my dear.

NEXT:

Who knew that I could be such a flirt?

Who knew that I could be such a flirt?
I make a move on each skirt
but it's all in good fun
enjoyed by each one
and no one ever gets hurt

NEXT:
Twas a dark and stormy night

Twas a dark and stormy night
and I was in a fright.
the power went out
just as I was about
to download some pictoral delight.

NEXT:
"Try again Doc." is what he said

"Try again Doc." is what he said
struggling to sit up in bed
the sadist made riches
with needles and stitches
but his patient wished he was dead

NEXT:
Eastern medicine cured my pancreas

Eastern medicine cured my pancreas.
My physician then was the angriest.
He said "It won't work!"
But then, he's a jerk.
With a personality not at all sanguinous.

[I always get those humours mixed up

]
Next:
I broke my cereal bowl.

I broke my cereal bowl
Twas anger, heart and soul
The Snap, Crackle, Pop
decided to stop
and disappointment took its toll

NEXT:
I never danced at the White House

I never danced at the White House.
I went to a ball there with my spouse,
But before we could waltz,
They had to fetch smelling salts.
I fainted when I saw a white mouse.

Next:
The next time I went to dance

The next time I went to dance
I left nothing to chance
A new haircut
to help me strut
and secure a fine romance.

NEXT:

A handsome man knocked on my front door

A man knocked on my front door.
It was quite an incredible chore.
You wonder how did he knock?
Dressed in only one sock,
He used his Johnson that hung to the floor.

Next:

Sometimes I lack proper prose...

Well almost two days later and no other limericks... so I guess I'll answer my own.

Sometimes I lack proper prose.
But when writing its, "Anything goes!"
So I try to be bawdy,
And exceedingly naughty.
And make sure someone's lacking their clothes.

Next:

A young priest from south Walla Walla

A young priest from south Walla Walla
meet a sweet pretty girl named Paula
he was surprized
that he got a rise
So for her he gave up his collar.

Next:

Little Joey went upstairs to bed

Little Joey went upstairs to bed
"But it's still so early," he said
When he laid his head down
In dreams he did drown
Asleep with more peace than the dead

Next:

We're no longer safe in a bowling alley

We're no longer safe in a bowling alley,
For the pins have started to rally.
Bowling balls are at arms
And they're immune to the charms
Of the woman who works there named Sally.

Next:
I think that it's time for my nap

I think that it's time for my nap
So please excuse me old chap
Up all night
is a delight
But my batteries need a zap.

NEXT:

The newest member of Legion World said

The newest member of Legion World said,
"I come without fear or dread.
Yet, I have the odd name
Of 'AmoryBliane'
But its better than 'SmellyGoatHead'."

Next:

A young lass was in the park reading...

A young lass was in the park reading
Exemplary life she was leading
Until a young cad
Convinced her the fad
Was to live it up, conscience not heeding.

NEXT: She drove in a red Cadillac

She drove in a red Cadillac
All the way to Tadoussac
With wine and brie
and joie de vie
Living more F. Scott than Balzac

NEXT: She chanced upon an old friend

She chanced upon an old friend
A broken fence they had to mend
An apology
about biology
and who came first in the end.

NEXT:

Sheila loved her cabin at the lake

Sheila loved her cabin at the lake
She shared it with Elmo the snake
A python was he
Mouse-eating with glee
Till he choked to death on a rake

NEXT:
The cabin was modern yet rustic

The cabin was modern yet rustic
Located in northern Ahuntsic
Remote and well-treed
She could do as she pleased
But she spent all her time writing fan-fic.

NEXT: The days were warm but the nights were cold

The days were warm but the nights were cold
The moon was new, but the love was old
The trees were barely green
I'm sure you get the scene
But the actual story remains to be told

NEXT:
Once upon a time

Once upon a time
He liked to order lime
and tonic
at Sonic
It only cost a dime.

NEXT: Three men were rowing up the Mississippi

Three men were rowing up the Mississippi
Two college professors and a hippie
The boat overturned
And so they learned
Not to argue about the battle of philippi.

NEXT:

Agatha took a trip to Japan

Agatha took a trip to Japan
She hoped for some Asian elan
Instead she got whacky
and drank too much sake
Next year she'll go to Milan

NEXT:
Why did Nancy run for parliament?

Why did Nancy run for parliament?
Is politics truly her element
In a land of many voices
And many more choices
Than just a donkey or elephant?

Next:
Those shoes are too cha-cha for words.

Those shoes are too cha-cha for words.
Those feathers too pretty for birds
With rhymes
so sublime
This thread is too something for nerds.

NEXT:

Mark went to his local gay bar

Mark went to his local gay bar
In trousers that were too tight by far,
He got up on the floor
danced 'till he was sore
And had to be took home in a car.

NEXT:

Mark woke the next day with bad chafing

Mark woke the next day with bad chafing
Hearing the sounds of a jet fighter strafing
The war zone's a bitch
But so was the itch
So he drank like a Mex 5th of May thing

NEXT:
Mark asked, "How'd I wake up in Chiapas?"

Mark asked, "How'd I wake up in Chiapas?"
Last I knew I was eating some tapas
With a commandante
And drinking spumante
Then he said that I was a jackass.

NEXT: Mark made his way slowly to Chile

Mark made his way slowly to Chile
He left from Perth by way of Philly
His boat went aground
near Puget Sound
I do not think he'll make it, will he?

NEXT:

Mark settled down in New York City

Mark settled down in New York City,
Where the girls and the guys were pretty,
He went to a dance,
Got caught in a trance.
Now he's torn between Karl and Kitty.

NEXT:

Mark was about to propose

Mark was about to propose,
To whom, nobody knows.
But it's for certain,
Said person is behind the curtain,
And soon we'll see whom he chose.

NEXT:

Who the heck is Mark?

Who the heck is Mark?
A fellow out for a lark
A different name
would work the same
Should we try it? - Snark!

NEXT:

James went to his local gay bar

James went to his local gay bar
Outside was a handsome sports car
With a hunk
On the trunk
Who offered him a Mallomar.

NEXT: James stopped and wondered what he should say

James stopped and wondered what he should say
Because he didn't like chocolate, anyway.
If it had been cherry
He would have been merry
And wouldn't have to send the hunk on his way.

NEXT:

James met Mark in the Big Apple

James met Mark in the Big Apple
And asked him if he wanted to grapple
Mark said, its a pitty
That I'm engaged to Kitty
Or I would love to give it a tackle

NEXT:

James was very downhearted

James was very downhearted
for a romance not started
He made his way
to Old Cathay
to explore places uncharted.

NEXT:

Mark had second thoughts about James

Mark had second thoughts about James
Though Kitty did have prior claims
He called him up
Went our for sup
Thereafter Mark ignored the dames.

NEXT: Kitty sat at home and cried

Kitty sat at home and cried.
Mark's no longer by her side
Then she went on a date
With a great gal name . . . . Kate!
now she holds her head high with pride.

NEXT:
Mark and James met Matthew and Luke

Mark and James met Matthew and Luke
at a bar in downtown Dubuque
they'd become
a hot foursome
It seemed a serendipitous fluke.

NEXT:

John felt left out and wrote a book

John felt left out and wrote a book,
Then invited Peter to take a look.
Peter told Jude
Who thought it rude
That John failed to mention Habakkuk.

NEXT:

John's book was featured on "Oprah"

John's book was featured on "Oprah"
When asked to read, he said "Nope, nah!"
With a cough
He was off
Up next a world famous soap star.

NEXT:

George was all alone in the house

George was alone in the house
Away at her work was his spouse
So he lit a cigar
Jumped in the car
And ran off with his neighbour, the louse!

NEXT:

When his wife found out what he'd done

When his wife found out what he'd done
She said, "I hope that he's having fun.
While he's out bed-hopping,
I must do some shopping
for trash bags, duct tape and a gun."

Next:

While shopping for guns at Wal-Mart,

While shopping for guns at Wal-Mart,
I felt in me a change of heart.
Oh, I'll still kill him,
Carl, the slimy villain.
By running him over with a shopping cart.

Next:

Twas the day after Halloween,

'Twas the day after Halloween
When Marge decided to make her scene.
She took Carl unaware
In her shopping cart snare,
Then drowned him in Listerine.

NEXT:

Marge is now doing thirty to life

Marge is now doing thirty to life
But blamed it all on overwhelming strife
Good self control
will get her parole
And then she will be an outstanding wife.

NEXT:

Our dear old Pov has come back

Our dear old Pov has come back
For a long time we felt the lack
Of all his posting,
Lack of boasting,
Lack of pants (he wears a mack).

NEXT:
Pov drove to a truck stop near Hartford

Pov drove to a truck stop near Hartford
Meeting Cobie for some smart word
They gossiped 'bout STU,
Lardy and Whordru
Or that's what Dave the old fart heard

NEXT:
Where did year 2006 go?

Where did year 2006 go?
Oh, I really wish I did know
It seems like only last week sir
That it was just Easter
Now Santa will soon go "Ho Ho Ho!"

NEXT:
I was surfing the web last night

I was surfing the web last night
when much to my surprized delight
I flipped my lid
because my low bid
Got me a Wonder Woman night light.

NEXT:

A grown man afraid of the dark

A grown man afraid of the dark
Ran naked in Central Park.
In broad daylight
All could see his delight;
They call him the Central Park Shark!

NEXT:

The Central Park Shark met Santa Claus

The Central Park Shark met Santa Claus
And Santa gave him a round of applause
He said "It was so funny the other week
When you did that daylight streak
I laughed so hard I almost peed in my drawers!"

Next:
Santa bought some incontinence pants

Santa bought some incontinence pants
And an all glass farm full of ants
To the old fart named Ted
Who now stays in his bed
Boistrously filling the house with his rants.

NEXT:

Those industrious ants in the farm

Those industrious ants in the farm
Should raise no cause for alarm
they tunnel and build
as mo' nature willed
contained, nary a picnic they harm

Next:

Along came an ant named Bixby

Along came an ant named Bixby
He thought that perhaps six 'd be
Enough for the job
Of turning the knob
To escape from the farm and free to be.

NEXT: The ants were met by Belinda the Cat

The ants were met by Belinda the Cat
Who just sat and sat and sat and sat
after a yawn
found they were gone
just when she was ready for combat.

Next:
Tired now, Belinda went to sleep

Tired now, Bleinda went to sleep
Her eyes open, she could not keep.
After all, she was a cat
Her owner, he knew that
Joining her, he curled up at her feet.

Next:

Vicious and sweet, Belinda looked perfect.

Vicious and sweet, Belinda looked perfect
What she intended no one could expect
When her owner retired
She did as desired
And the mischeivious mouse did collect.

NEXT:

Belinda and mouse had much fun

Belinda and mouse had much fun
The raid on the cupboards begun
They ate peanut butter
And some Fluffernutter
The mouse said, "I'm too full to run."

NEXT: Belinda gazed at the small mouse

Belinda gazed at the mouse
"What a grand, well-supplied house!
To provide for my sport
One with whom to cavort.
All I'm missing now is a spouse!"

NEXT:

Belinda brought Quislet Esq. a gift

Belinda brought Quis Esq a gift,
He took one look and threw a fit.
A tasty treat she laid at his feet,
One bloody mouse, nice and neat,
His angry reaction made her miffed.

Next:

Belinda slept in the sunny spot

Belinda slept in a sunny spot
But awoke from her slumber in a shot
When in came the rain
From the wide open pane
And moistened her nose with a small, wet dot.

NEXT:

"Who dares to disturb my delicious repose?"

"Who dares to disturb my delicious repose?
One without fear or a fool, I suppose."
After a quick leap
she went back to sleep
But her claws, Belinda left fully exposed.

Next:

Out in the woods, played a boy and his dog.

Out in the woods, played a boy with his dog.
Chasing tossed sticks and jumping a log.
Suddenly in a field
Echoed quite a squeal
Starting a chase between boy, dog and hog.

NEXT:

Belinda watched the chase, totally enthralled

Belinda watched the chase, totally enthralled
Then she answered the lure of a string that called
With it she'd play
throughout the day
At night, so tired, into her bed she crawled.

Next:

Betty started shopping on Christmas Eve

Betty started shopping on Christmas Eve,
A way through the crowds she did cleave.
Thinking only of friends,
Her shopping wouldn't end,
Until she bumped into a guy named Steve.

Next:

Our gang celebrated the year's end

Our gang celebrated the year's end
And season's greetings did send.
To all, we raised a glass
And some did say Mass:
"May 2007 be to thee a friend."

Next:

Steve bought Betty a drink

Steve bought Betty a drink
She didn't know what to think
He was wearing a scarf
That was spotted with barf
And kept saying his boss was a fink.

NEXT: Betty told Steve that he needed some sleep

Betty told Steve he needed some sleep.
He said, "Now, don't think me a creep,
But if I can't spend
The night with a friend,
I'd sooner sleep in my Jeep."

NEXT:

Steve waited for Betty's reply

Steve waited for Betty's reply
Broad grinning, he gave it a try
"Let's get in the Jeep,
And later we'll sleep."
But Betty just fled and yelled "Bye"

NEXT:

Betty asked, "What is it with guys?"

Betty asked, "What is it with guys?"
"Their 'tude, and their lines, and their lies?"
"They all act the same,
Like the whole thing's a game,
But at least that makes me the prize."

NEXT:

Steve thought, "What can I do?"

Steve thought, "What can I do?"
Dial 418-0362
"Hello there, Kate.
Let's go on a date."
Off to Kate's house Steve flew.

NEXT:
Betty stood by in startled confusion.

Betty stood by in startled confusion
Left alone with her sad delusion
A romp in a jeep
With Steve, though a creep,
Might have been the night's better conclusion.

NEXT: Kate opened the door when Steve came to call

Kate opened the door when Steve came to call
He was surprized that she wore nothing at all
He said with a grin
"Can I come on in?"
Kate took a peek and said "Nope, you're too small"

NEXT:
Downhearted Steve went to a bar.

Downhearted Steve went to a bar
said he " I did not get very far"
for the problem with Kate
on this truncated date
was that size was the issue at large

NEXT:
Steve ordered himself a drink

Steve ordered himself a drink
His sorrows, he looked to sink
So much shame
And he wasn't to blame
He can't control the size of his dink

NEXT:
Steve's night didn't end

Steve's night didn't end
why just around the bend
was Ann
a fan
of Steve's and a friend.

NEXT:

Gigglebot Girl gave Faraway Lad the flu

Gigglebot gave Faraway Lad the flu
Because, quite frankly, she had it bad too
So when lavishing kisses
As his new Mrs.
She insured that they both felt quite blue

NEXT:

Don't blame Gigi, dear Faraway Lad

Don't blame Gigi, dear Faraway Lad
If she made you sick she would truly be sad
In this winter season
A person of reason
Will know flu's from anyone easily had.

NEXT: Kate caught the flu and remained in her bed

Kate caught the flu and remained in her bed
of her illness it should be said
that she didn't feel blue
and neither would you
once the NyQuil had gone to your head.

NEXT: Kate gets up and heads out the door

Kate gets up and heads out the door
In her quest for something more
She brings Ted
Back to bed
Even sick, Kate knows how to score.

Next:

Ted catches the flu from saucy Kate

Ted catches the flu from saucy Kate
Then decided she didn't quite rate
A follow up call
Though they did have a ball
But old Kate rated only one date.

NEXT:

Ted then met pretty Betty at church

Ted met pretty Betty at church
after leaving ole Kate in the lurch
and then during the mass
Ted made his pass
saying "Baby!I'm as big as a birch!"

NEXT:

Oh my, how Pretty Betty did blush

Oh my, how Pretty Betty did blush!
No one had ever given her such a rush;
That it was said
Before "Take This Bread"
Was all the more reason for her crush.

NEXT:

Pretty Betty went straight to Confession

Pretty Betty went straight to Confession
And told of her growing obsession
with going to bed
with birch-big Ted
and webcasting the whole tawdry session.

NEXT:
Betty's priest unpacked his new Dell.

Betty's priest unpacked his new Dell.
In no time his hard drive did swell.
For there on the screen
Was something obscene.
Betty on Teddy and Katie as well.

NEXT:

A modest priest stood at pulpit

A modest priest stood at pulpit
And sent a message to the culprit:
"This kind of sin
Will do you in.
It paves the road to the hellpit!"

NEXT:

And the congregation said, "Amen!"

And the congregation said, "Amen!"
which closed the service that's when
the priest did ahead
back to his bed
where waiting was a guy named Ken.

NEXT:

Betty did now see the light

Betty did now see the light
She looked to her left and right
up & down
all around
But it is Betty who's the sight.

NEXT:

The old maid vacationed in Miami.

The old maid vacationed in Miami
And ate sandwiches of salami
She sat by the pool
And tried to look cool
But her turtleneck made her feel clammy.

NEXT: The old maid ordered some liquor

The old maid ordered some liquor
to quench her thirst all the quicker,
when out from the pool,
jumped a guy named Raul
in a speedo which about stopped her ticker.

NEXT: Said Raul to the Old Maid.

Said Raul to the Old Maid
Of me, be not afraid.
if you presume
to come to my room
I'll give you some lemonade.

Next:

The old maid beheld a wonderful sight

Special 10,000th post limerick

Quislet, Esq. reached 10,000 posts
Such a feat only a few could boast
it naturally led
to a swelled head
Megalomania was the diagnose!

And now back to our regularly scheduled limerick.

Next:

The old maid beheld a wonderful sight

The old maid beheld a wonderful sight
She dreamed of herself and Raul in the light
Of a tropical moon
But all too soon
From the lemonade she got high as a kite.

NEXT:
Raul was surprised by the old maid's singing

Raul was surprised by the old maid's singing
Which to his refined senses were stinging
He wanted romance
But now there's no chance
Because his ears just cannot stop ringing.

NEXT:
The old maid waited for a sign

The old maid waited for a sign
just maybe the stars would align,
and on this day
she'd get some play
from a hunk with a bottle-o-wine.

NEXT:
Gigolo Johnny meets the old maid.

Gigolo Johnny meets the old maid.
"Easy mark," says he. "I've got it made.
Dancing and prancing,
A bit of romancing,
I'll use all the tools of the trade."

NEXT:
Gigolo Johnny makes his move.

Gigolo Johnny makes his move
And as he got into the groove
at the disco
in San Francisco
Johnny was forcibly removed.

NEXT:

Johnny was thrown out into the alley

Johnny was thrown out into the alley
Where he was seen by beautiful Sally
Taking a short cut
While walking her mutt
Home from an anti-war rally.

NEXT:

Sally looked down on John, Gigolo

Sally looked down on John, Gigolo
And started to play her piccolo.
John, feeling inspired,
Brushed off his attire
And invited her back in for a Michelob.

NEXT:

John joined in Sally's protest

John joined in Sally's protest
but his feet wanted to get some rest
He needed a plan
to be Sally's man
So he thought he'd try his best.

NEXT:

He bought a fancy bouquet of flowers

(Be lenient, guys. I've never written a limerick before).

That was great Dain.

He bought a fancy bouquet of flowers
and wrote love sonnets for hours & hours
It wasn't to be
for you see
Sally had a crush on Stephanie Powers

NEXT:

Stephanie Powers played April Dancer

Stephanie Powers played April Dancer
As a 1960s spy smasher.
Sally was a fan
Who had a plan:
To join U.N.C.L.E. as May Prancer.

NEXT:

May Prancer went on her first mission

May Prancer went on her first mission
to stop a T.H.R.U.S.H. plan for nuclear fission
She was rarin' to go
But then Napoleon Solo
refused to give her permission.

Next:
May stowed away on a plane

May stowed away on a plane
While chasing a villian named Bane.
May was stranded
When she landed
As the villian drank some champagne.

Next:
What was Bane's nefarious plot?

What was Bane's nefarious plot?
May noticed he was drinking a lot.
He picked up the phone
And dialed Al Capone,
And said, "I wan' this fellow shot!"

NEXT:

May had to do something quick

May had to do something quick
for the plot was now getting thick
So she went for her gun
and Bane he did run
to avoid getting shot by this chick.

NEXT:

May chased after villainous Bane

May chased after villainous Bane,
But then decided "This is a pain.
I'll no longer run,
But I'll make my own fun
Staying home reading novels by Zane."

Next:
Aunt Betty made a pot of strong tea

Aunt Betty made a pot of strong tea
and put out a lemon scone just for me
a tasty treat
oh so sweet
until I got the bill with her fee.

NEXT:

Betty took a trip to Montreal

Betty took a trip to Montreal
Just to get away from it all.
Scones and teas!
Bills and fees!
But wherever did she park the U-Haul?

Next:

Betty brushed up on her French

Betty brushed up on her French
til alas, her tongue she did wrench
it happened in a bar
while rolling a double R
and talking to a man in a trench.

Next:

Betty was saved by a Canadian Mountie

Betty was saved by a Canadian Mountie
who came from a Saskatchewan county
She was taken
and then shaken
to find out that she had a large bounty.

Note: Taken poetic licence if Canadian Provinces don't have county subdivisions.

NEXT:
Stranded in a Canadian jail

Stranded in a Canadian jail
Betty fretted and began to wail
She, alone and scared
Dominic, our hero appared
And told her he had paid bail.

Next:
In debt to a handsome stranger

In debt to a handsome stranger
She went to the money exchanger
To repay our hero
But he told her "Zero
is all that you owe this arranger."

NEXT: She asked him to join her for dinner

She asked him to join her for dinner
(her pot roast she thought was a winner)
but as he chowed down
he could not hide a frown,
thinking "If I marry her I'd be thinner"

NEXT: Betty then dimmed the light

Betty then dimmed the light
She thought tonight was the night
but her date fell asleep
not a snore! not a peep!
she was so mad she could just bite!

NEXT: Dave awoke to a coyote situation

Dave awoke to a coyote situation
Yet he gave into a morning temptation
Betty said "no,
Just get up and go"
Dave left seeking better motivation.

Next:

A young man with a certain X factor

A young man with a certain X factor
Was seeking to make it as a Hollywood actor.
He went for a part
And pulled out his heart,
And said, "I can be the zombie that attacked her!"

Next:

The director saw his potential

The director saw his potential
when the young man flashed his credential.
He landed the role,
the movie he stole.
And now he's the STAR quintessential.

Next:

His ego grew bigger by the hour

His ego grew bigger by the hour.
But soon the sweet wine began to sour,
For youth, it flies
And the plant, it dies,
Not long after starting to flower.

Next:
Limericks shouldn't be so depressing

Limericks shouldn't be so depressing
Humor is what should be expressing
Having fun
with a pun
Don't groan, just count your many blessings.

Next:
A leprechaun from County Cork

A leprechaun from the county of Cork.
Was looking for someone to pork.
He met up with a Ms.
And they did more than kiss.
And now he's avoiding the stork.

Next:

A maid in the keep on the hill

A maid in the keep on the hill
Was certainly feeling the chill
Of her confinement
And, lacking refinement,
Presented her jailer with a bill.

NEXT: It's time for a midsummer dance

It's time for a midsummer dance
where one can hope to find romance
but picking were slim
for my friend Jim
So he took a plane to Paris, France

Next:
In Paris, it was one hundred and two

In Paris, it was one hundred and two
Or in celsius, c'est quarante-deux*
too hot for a dance
or to wear heavy pants
But Jim still found some [i]filles[i] to woo.

Walking along the Champs Elysees

* [yes, I know I'm off by few degrees. so sue me!]

"Yes, I know I'm off by few degrees. so sue me!"
challenged Kent, sounding all gloomy.
And to make matters worse,
I ditched his first verse!
For rhyming Champs Elysees kinda threw me.

Walking along the Champs Elysees

Walking along the Champs Elysées,
I'm trying hard to remember my français,
When a handsome young man
Cried "je t'adore!" and then
What happened next, j'ai oublié!

Next:
From Paris, we went on to Rome

From Paris, we went on to Rome
Wherever we laid our hats was our home
Is it wrong
to steal from a song
for a line in a silly little poem?

Next:

There was an old man from Manhattan

There was an old man from Manhattan
Whose middle had started to fatten,
Last week, on a whim,
He went to the gym
To make his abdominals flatten.

Next:

While chatting with Dennis Calero,

While chatting with Dennis Calero,
I received a phone call from Charo
this was a mind-number
who gave her my number?
Someone carved it in Kilimanjaro

Next:

When Dennis told me his plans

When Dennis told me his plans
To draw for each one of his fans
I said to forget it
Or he'd regret it
Since he'd get real numb in his hands.

Next:

I walked on the moon in my dreams

I walked on the moon in my dreams
I'd beaten Apollo's best teams
A small step for man
but a flash in the pan
I'd bested Jack Kennedty's schemes

Next:

My next dream propelled me to Mars

My next dream propelled me to Mars
Where I met a man who ate cars
We were in rapture
After my capture
Feasting on tires 'neath the stars.

Next:

And then I was off to Venus

And then I was off to Venus
Its acidic air was quite heinous
such a feminine name
for a place near aflame
its temperatures boiled my *****

Next:

I cooled off by visiting Pluto

I cooled off by visiting Pluto
With Popeye's old nemesis Bluto
Who'd forgotten Miss Oyl
For a brand new goil
The lovely ex-president Bhutto

Next:

On Antares I went for a swim

On Antares I went for a swim
But shape shifters robbed me and Tim
Betrayed by ol' Proty
Beam me up, Scotty!
I'll never here visit agin!

Next:

While hot air ballooning on Xuun

(Assuming Xuun rhymes with moon)

While hot air ballooning on Xuun
I decided the people to moon
They so liked my buns
Even their nuns
They made me promise to come back soon

Next:

While sailing the Indian Ocean

While sailing the Indian Ocean
the boat took on a peculiar motion
The cause was discovered
when Lad Boy was uncovered
on a bunk with a flashlight and lotion

Next:

And now he must walk the plank

[Kudos, Ram Boy, one of the best limericks]

And now he must walk the plank
For that he has his passion to thank
Handsome Lad dude
Will be fish food
He should have saved it all for Hank.

Next:

But no, our Lad Boy does not sink

[Alas, in order to keep this thread alive, I must reply to my own post.

]

But no, our Lad Boy does not sink
Though he takes a dip in the drink
His pantaloons
Act as balloons
And he floats away with a wink.

Next:

Alas, my dove has flown the coop

Alas, my dove has flown the coop
Took all my money in one swoop
My stuff in hock
She changed the lock
So I sit alone on the stoop.

Next:
A lonely young man down on his luck

A lonely young man down on his luck
Loaded his stuff in an old pick up truck
He travelled the land
With a new wave band
Till gold with a hit record, they struck.

Next:

Life in L.A. was too much for the man

Life in L.A. was too much for the man
Leaving was his only plan
At midnight he packed
all his stuff on Amtrak
Now in Macon, he lives in a van.

Next:
Why did Ram Boy move to Georgia?

Why did Ram Boy move to Georgia?
Instead of sunny California?
It's hard to find
a perfect ryhme
So I think I'll just end it now.

Next (And maybe last)

Has this thread run it's course?

Has this thread run its course?
Are all of our rhymes sounding forced?
If the thread takes a rest,
That sometimes is best.
And then it will come back full-force!

Next (Whenever that may be):
Life on Legion World is just great.

Life on Legion World is just great.
There's no anger, or malice, or hate.
Just mind the rule;
Don't act like a tool,
and this super group you'll soon penetrate.

Next:
When posting on Legion World I'd advise

When posting on Legion World I'd advise
wearing a mask or some such disguise
It helps you avoid
people you've annoyed
when writing a limerick they despise.

Next:

Quislet is looking forward to the Con

Quislet is looking forward to the Con
And seeing Legion World friends thereupon.
Some he's already met;
Others, not yet,
Like that weird guy from Houston named John.

Next:
A trip to the con will be fun.

A trip to the con will be fun:
Some comics, some travel, some sun!
Drive to San Diego
In your Winnebago,
And bring back comics by the ton!

Next:
Some of us will go in spirit

Some of us will go in spirit.
Others will wish they lived near it.
Well, Ex was in town,
DiDio shot him down,
And if you check out DC's podcast , you'll hear it.

Next:
Writing new limericks is tricky

Writing new limericks is tricky
Espcially when you have a hickey
Don't be rude
Or in the nude
Or things could end up awfully sticky.

Next:
Certain Legion fans went to New York City

Certain Legion fans went to New York City
The state of Legion affairs was a pity
Two comics are gone
The cartoon's no longer on
And DiDio is just trying to be witty.

Next: Legion of Three Worlds is still being drawn

Legion of Three Worlds is still being drawn
Let's hope it doesn't turn into Black Dawn
How many die
And leave fans to cry?
Will Jeckie turn into a gigantic prawn?

NEXT: There once was a fellow called Prime

There once was a fellow called Prime
He's Superboy, not Man, this time
Though he talks good trash,
He's afraid of Kid Flash,
But at least he's not written by Justin Thyme.

Next:
Rockhopper Lad was shelving some books

Rockhopper Lad was shelving some books
Left out by inconsiderate schnooks
When they started to shout
Rocky tossed them out
A librarian is more than just dirty looks

Next:
There once was lawyer named Quis

There once was a lawyer named Quis
Who made a particular biz
Of knowing what's right
In blind Justice's sight
In Space Law he's also a wiz.

Next:
A speech being made by one Yellow Kid

A speech being made by one Yellow Kid
Was for an office for which he'd bid;
"Come vote for me,
and soon you will see,
I'll accomplish more than Lardy ever did!"

Next:
Lard Lad replied with a retort

Lard Lad replied with a retort,
"That's wrong and I'll take you to court!"
He hired a lawyer
Whose name was Tom Sawyer,
With skills of a fictional sort.

NEXT:
The judge in the case then replied

The judge in the case then replied,
"Sorry, my hands are thus tied,
Political spin,
it may be a sin,
but on fee speech watch Yellow Kid glide."

NEXT:
Lardy's appeal case seemed doomed

Lardy's appeal case seemed doomed
On the horizon failure loomed
when all at once,
he stopped being a dunce
"Quislet must defend me!" he happily boomed

NEXT:
Quislet prepared an airtight case

Quislet prepared an airtight case,
"I'll win at a world-record pace,
Their evidence is weak,
Their witnesses can't speak,
And their suits... just a fashion disgrace"

NEXT:
The jury was thusly sequestered

The jury was thusly sequestered,
"GUILTY!" "NOT GUILTY!" they bickered,
The evidence was weighed,
Decisions were made,
Then Lardy's verdict was summarily delivered.

Next:
"All rise for the Judge" was heard,

"All rise for the Judge" was heard,
Lardy -- dear Lardy -- inferred
"The bailiff must mean
I should be crude and obscene."
I'm sure you can guess what occurred.

Next:
With unparalleled jurisprudence

With unparalleled jurisprudence the judge,
who seemed to be holding a grudge,
Cried "60 days in jail!
No, I will not grant bail!"
And on that, he would not budge.

Next: In jail Lardy dropped the soap

In jail Lardy dropped the soap
And, non-sequitorially, I hope
Quis is happy this thread
has been bumped from the dead
Or I'll end up looking like a dope.

Next: Actually, thread bumping's fun,

Actually, thread bumping's fun,
It's better than beating a nun
But instead
this thread's dead
Limericks are over and done.

Limericks are over and done?
Why, this thread was barely begun.
So I'll take your lead
And plant the next seed
To grow it back to a thread that is fun.

Next: Thank God that Levitz is back...

Thank God that Levitz is back
and the Legion's not done by a hack
But who will be Leader
As deemed by The Reader
May make Mr. Levitz say "Frack!"

Next: You know what the Legion needs now

You know what the Legion needs now
Is for male Legionnaires to allow
More view of their skin,
Wearing costumes so thin.
Gravity Kid can show them all how.

Next: If Cos brought back his bustier

If Cos brought back his bustier
Rocky would surely grow lustier
but when all's said and done
despite all his fun
Rokk's 70s look could not grow more mustier

Next:
If Luornu had two-timed poor Chuck

If Luornu had two-timed poor Chuck
That would be the end of his luck.
He'd mope and he'd pout,
His bounce would give out,
So if he starts falling, just duck!

Next:
Let's write a story about Lash

There once was a lad named Lash
he was not a fan of the $#%^
the word is offensive,
he gets a bit apprehensive,
and at Rickshaw he will bash.

next: Future King

Future King
did something
naughty
bawdy
a real fling.

Next:

It was the usual St. Patrick's Day

It was the usual St. Patrick's Day
All the drunks came out to play
But the PoPo's surprise
Bugged out their eyes
when the beer was all iced green tea.

Next:
When Quis was imprisioned

When Quislet was imprisioned
He was treated him with derision
So with some tape
And a lot of crepe
He achieved cell division

Blind Poet,

The way this thread works is the first poster provides the first line of the limerick. The next poster finishes it off and then provides the first line for the next poster.

Next line:

To Legion World came a poet blind

Ooh, I see, I see, thanks!

To Legion World came a Poet Blind,
Who found herself in quite a bind,
Such great people here,
It was very clear,
So many good friends here to find!

Next Line:

The day when the world turned brown

The day when the world turned brown
It seemed to be very profound
But it's Ulu Vakk
having come back
It's fun when Color Kid comes around

Next:

A daring young lass from Titan

A daring young lass from Titan,
Who surely did not frighten,
She knew the sound,
Of criminals around,
And soon with the Legion she was fightin'!

Next:

On a planet in outer space

On a planet in outer space,
I really don't know the place,
There is a young poet,
And don't you know it,
He's covered in outer space lace.

Next:
There once was a fellow named Rocky.

There once was a fellow named Rocky
Who started learning to play hockey
He had some luck
Shooting the puck
But his teammates said "Don't get cocky!"

A pretty kitty named Belinda

A pretty kitty named Belinda
Went to party dressed as Glinda.
She won the first prize,
Which, to her surprise,
Was a vacation in Yorba Linda.

Next:
I really hate being sick.

Out of Order!

There once were two old men of Throon
Each considered the other a loon
They defeated the Legion
With machines in their region
But were beat by a Sub from Kathoon

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Time Trapper's a creature of mystery
Who constantly meddles with history
But when he shows his face
Its an awful disgrace
Because its all pimply and blistery

It is time again to start this thread

It is time again to start this thread
For a very long time we thought it dead...

Sonnet & Limerick
by Morris Bishop

The sonnet with her Mona Lisa smile
Broods on the world with other-worldly stare.
Priestess of melancholy, darkly fair,
Serene above our fury, guilt, and guile,
She, in her deeps, has learned to reconcile
Life's contradictions. Really, I declare,
I'd gladly trust a sonnet anywhere,
That pure, seraphic sedentary. While

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
...Or she sneaks to the slums
...And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.

Originally Posted by Fat Cramer

It is time again to start this thread
For a very long time we thought it dead...

Will this revival last?

When asked, "Will it last, this revival?
And add more to the limerick archival?
Morris Bishop cried "No!
If it does, I shall go,
For it threatens the sonnet's survival!"

Elon Musk said he's headed to Mars...

Elon Musk said he's headed to Mars...
For he hear that they had lots of bars
Sadly he found
No one would buy a round
Because he was not a regular

The was a wee lass named Salu