This game has you telling the world just how Lard Lad's newest power works.

The first person names the new power. The next person the describes what the power is and how it works. And then leaves a new power for the next poster to describe.

Lard Lad's first new power is:

Dish Pan Hands

Lardy can change any object he touches into either a dish or a pan. Of course which it turns into and what kind is totally random. It may be a paper plate or bone china; it may be a cast iron cauldron or a small aluminum saucepan.

Next:
Garlic Breath

Lardy has the power to ward off vampires--and most other sentient beings--with a huff and a puff.

Next:
Selective Teleportation

This power allows Lardy to teleport people who are boring him, or possibly in-laws, to another location. The selective part means 2 things: 1) He selects whom he teleports and to where and 2)They have conveniently had all memories of the conversation with Lardy selectively removed.

Next:
Conversing with animals

This power is only activated when Lardy has achieved altered consciousness (usually by means of alcohol), in which Lardy has the ability to talk with animals and learn what others have been saying behind his back (even when he tries another line of conversation the topic invariably returns to this). No one else is ever privy to these conversations, and it remains undetectable to even the most skilled of animal telepaths.

Next:
super-wardrobe-malfunctionism

Lard Lad rarely uses this power as it only affects men's pants. However he was able to catch that male spy disguised as a woman by using this power.

Next:
Cauliflower Ears

Lard Lad can discuss beforehand with cauliflower how it wishes to be cooked prior to consumption-- via a highly specialized form of telepathy/super-hearing.

It is unknown if this power can be employed with other cruciferous vegetables (such as cabbages, broccoli, etc.)

Next:
Editorial Restraint

This power exists within him but he chooses never to use it!

Next:
Photographic Reflux

This is like photographic memory, except that Lardy vomits and the vomit forms a picture of what he was trying to remember.

Next:
Child Bearing Hips

At his command a bevy of children carring rosehips will appear, disperse their burden then disappear again.

Next:
perfect pitch

At baseball games, Lard Lad's yells insults at the pitcher's mound, and it actually causes the pitcher to win the game !

Next:
Nuclear Arms

Lardy can cause an explosion when he flexes his biceps.

Next:
Cake Walk

When Lardy fixes dessert for the potluck, small particles of telekinetic force embed themselves therein. When all the partygoers have eaten their fill, dessert puts itself away;In its own patented, covered cake carrier- to retard spoilage and to aid in easy transport.

Next:
Bedroom Eyes

Due to his frequent forays to the Hootchie Hut, Lard Lad has gained the abilities to turn any room he looks at into a bedroom.

Next:
Water on the Knees

Like a bizarrely under-developed Wondertwin, by knocking his knees together, Lardy can transform them into water in any form. Woe to him who finds himself trapped within Lardy's ice-cage knees.

Next:
Baboon Heart

Lardy has the power to cause baboons to fall in love with the first living thing they see. Do yourself a favor and make sure you never get Lardy p!$$ed off at you in the presence of a baboon.

Next:
Laughing Gas

When Lardy passes gas, everyone within smelling distance begins laughing. The closer to the source of emanation, the longer the laughter lasts, and even days later, people in the area might get a giggle.

Next:
Tennis Elbow

When he feels the need, Lard Lad can temporarily sprout a racket from each elbow. Wood or steel, depending.

Next:
Flowery Speech

By speaking the name of any flower, Lardy can call one of said flower into existence. This is very handy for those last-minute anniversary gifts.

Next:
Cinemascope

Whenever Lardy isn't certain if a nearby movie is worth paying to get into, he can will his Cinemascope into being - an undetectable external eye that can materialized only in nearby a darkened room lit only by a projected film. He can then view the film in question without paying attention.

Whenever you see Lardy sitting in the mall seemingly asleep, he's really watching something at the movieplex.

Next:
Rabbit's Foot

One of Lardy's most noble powers, upon touching a rabbit's foot, Lardy can use it to recreate the entire living rabbit, which he then lets free. Nobody is sure if he gets good luck from this benevolent act, but it must be good karma!

Next:
Wandering Eye

Lady is able to pop his right eye out of the socket. This eye then grows a pair of little legs and can scout ahead. Lardy is able to see what his Wandering Eye sees.

Next:
Silver Tongue

When Lardy curls his tongue and whistles the opening bars of the "William Tell Overture," he is able to summon his faithful steed, Silver, who invariably arrives in the "proverbial nick of time".

Next:
Penetra-Ventriloquism

Ever hear a rumbling in your tummy, or voices in your head telling you things that you wouldn't otherwise think, like 'wow, she's hot!'?

That's Lardy using his Penetra-Ventriloquism to throw his voice inside your body.

Next:
Love Handles

From Antacid Lass - If two people grab Lardy's "handles" on opposite sides, They fall instantly in love

Next -
Stretch Marks

Wanna' know how far you can stretch that on-sale "Size 10" around your "Size 18" frame before it won't stretch anymore ? Just take Lardy shopping at the outlet malls with you ! His expert super-divining skills when it comes to clothes size will provide all the help you need-- right there at the dress rack ! You'll never have to embarrass yourself by trying on something too damn small in public ever again !

Next:
Ultra- Zydeco

Lardy has the power to make Zydeco music emanate from any given object. This power grows stronger the closer he is to Louisiana.

Next:
Microwave Popcorn

If I eat uncooked popcorn, 24 hours later the most perfect microwave popcorn you've ever tasted--comes outta my butt! (Oddly enough, no one has volunteered to try it yet. )

Next:
Party-Pubes!

Lard Lad has the power to conjure up dozens of post-pubescent young people (all over the age of consent for the surrounding locality), streamers, cake and music. Sometimes clowns, too.

What did you think he meant by 'pubes?'

Next:
Receding Hairline.

Pressing a spot on his temples, Lardy can cause his hair to recede back into his skull like a convertible roof. His bald pate then reflects any light into a blinding glare.

Next:
Frozen Assets

With a menacing glare Lardy can freeze anyone's @$$. The rest of his victim remains unscathed.

Next:
Fancy Pants

Lardy invented the Bedazzler which he uses to make pants that cause villains to collapse laughing, much like they would at this guy , rendering them powerless.

5 o'clock shadow.

At exactly 5 p.m. (17.00) local time, Lardy gains the power to allow his shadow to move independently--until 5:01.

Next:
Quicker Picker-Upper

I can produce a chick-specific pickup line at a bar in 0.2 nanoseconds. That doesn't necessarily guarantee the line's success....

Next:
Fart Deco

Lard Lad's invention prowess enabled him to build and patent the only line of "plug-in" air fresheners that deal in a safe and healthy manner with... certain body issues. Their elegant vintage packaging, as well as the wide variety of available fragrances, made them the biggest thing to hit supermarkets and boutiques since the heyday of the paper bikini.

Next:
Spin Cycle

Used mostly around election time, Lardy has the ability to favorably slant news stories to the advantage of his chosen political candidates by riding his specially designed motorcycle up and down the streets of DC. (In case of a two-candidate ticket, the Spin Cycle is also equipped with a side car.)

Next:
Child Proof Cap

Lardy wears a cap to bars that says "Hey Babes, stay away if you got kids!"

Next:
Paper jam

Lard Lad, in a gesture of worldwide altruism, used his magic powers to locate and retrieve every last copy of the film Space Jam still in existence. He then converted all the stockpiled copies to paper, using telekinesis, and then turned them all to elegant origami paper cranes. Said cranes were distributed to peaceniks around the world.

Next:
That Old Black Magic

Lard Lad can make old fashion trends, as opposed to new fashion trends (i.e. _____ is the new black), not look out-dated. He does this by reciting a magical spell.


Next: Photogenic Memory

Memories of Lardy are always 'retouched' to frame him in the best lighting. Sometimes people get lost in their memories of Lardy, because they are so darn photogenic!

Next:
Big brass balls.

During formal dance events where the orchestra is a bit lackluster, Lardy has the power to exponentially increase the horn section to really get that joint jumpin'.

Next:

Puss in Boots

Lard Lad wears magic boots that can give charitable (and painless) plastic facial surgery-- to anyone willing to take a deep breath from each boot when he takes them off at night.

(See also: Feet Vision)

Next:
Rock-A-Billy

On LMB Karaoke night Lard Lad can use this power to flawlessly sing any Billy Idol song

Next:
HDTV

HDTV, or Huge Dictionary & Thesaurus Volumes, is the name of Lardy's power that let's him abbreviate or make an ancronym out of any word or groups of words. And while anyone can do this, Lardy's power makes the abbreviation or acronym instantly understandable. QED is it a sup-pow.

Next:
A horse of another color power (or HAC-pow)

No matter how big your avenging re-animated zombie army of My Little Ponies is, Lardy's is bigger. And meaner. And cutting off or bashing in their heads won't save you, as they can still suck in brains through their specially-modified super-zombie-hooves.

Next:
Flavor-Rite

Lardy can change the flavour of any food to whatever he considers to be "right". This means that most stuff tastes like beer.

NEXT:
Internal Combustion Engine

Much like Matter-Eater Lad, Lardy can consume items that would normally not be edible, but only if said items are flammable. Fires in his stomach burn them up. This also explains the super-flatulence.

Next:
Clean as a Whistle

Lardy can whistle that tune from Mary Poppins in the direction of unsightly household messes, and make them telekinetically all neat 'n orderly again.

Next:
Dirty Martini

Lardy goes undercover as a bartender to infiltate the mob world. His dirty martini is laced with sodium pentathol, and has brought many a criminal to justice.

Next:
Rump Roast

Similar to Frozen Assets above, but burns instead of freezes.

Next:
Times Tables

Lardy has the power to travel through time by spinning a table in his presence. He can travel to any point in the past or future where a table occupies that same general area, allowing him to leave a boring modern restaurant and go visit the swinging speakeasy that sat on that spot in the Roaring 20s.

Next:
Slap Happy

Lardy has the power to make people happy by giving them a good swat. This power is especially effective on masochists.

Next:
Mancrush (you knew it was coming)

When Lardy hugs a woman, he only has normal strenght. When he hugs a man, he gains super-strenght, resulting in a man crushing bearhug

NEXT:
yellow pages

Lard Lad has distilled the powers of our own yellow sun into specially-designed "pagers." He always has one on hand in case the nearest Son or Cousin of Krypton is headed for a red sun and needs portable super-powers to fight evil.

Next:
Double Joints

While his detractors claim that this refers to Lardy's ability to be the life of the party, and make giggling references to something called 'Reefer Madness,' in truth, Double Joints refers to Lardy's ability to add joints to any object he touches, allowing him to fold it in half for convenient storage.

Next:
Impeccable Timing

Lardy knows when a simple peck on the cheek will be enough to drive a woman wild.

Next:
Hypno-Manboobs

It's not the manboobs. It's the tassles. Once he gets them spinning in opposite directions, people's eyes glaze over and his accomplices can tie their shoelaces together while they are entranced.

Next:
Double Vision

Lard Lad is the only man in the English-speaking world who can do a Karaoke medley of Foreigner songs without inciting mass revolts. Yes, even "Double Vision" and "Waiting For A Girl Like You" are spun into gold owing to Lardy's way with a vintage Top 40 song.

Next:
Shonen Knives

This is easily the power set that confuses evil- doers the most. Lardy splits into three women. while simultaneously speaking Japanese.

Next:
Buy one, Get one free

Lardy has the power to duplicate an inanimate object he purchases. There are limits to this power. Sadly, it does not work on cars, houses, airplanes, rare comics or grilled cheese sandwiches.

Next:
Word for Word

Similar to Letterman Letterman video

Lardy can exchange any single word in a sentence for another. This comes in handy in a wide variety of ways, such as changing "Fries will cost extra" to "Fries WON'T cost extra."

Bungle in the Jungle

Whenever Lard Lad makes a forey into the jungle, the music of Mr. Bungle mysteriously emanates from his ass.

NEXT -
Potent potable

Lardy has the power to turn water into wine. Unfortunately the wine is always Boone's Farm Sangria.

Next Power:

Potpourri

Lardy can reach into his pockets and produce any of a bewildering array of small items. He once was tipped over and a pile of items large enough to bury him poured forth, leading to onlookers using terms like 'Fibber McGee's closet' and 'plethora' and 'potpourri of junk.' Potpourri was the name that stuck.

Next:
Cunning Linguist

Lardy is a suave master of 27 languages, and as a master spy has charmed the pants off many a woman with his silver tongue.

Next:
Soap Scum

This is an involuntary power of Lardy's. If a dirty person (defined as someone who hasn't bathed or showered in the previous 24 hours) comes within 1 foot of Lard Lad, they are instantly covered with a soapy lather. The lather disappears in 45 seconds, leaving the person clean, but smelling like they have been soaked in beer.

Next:
Red-eye

Lardy's other powers are at their most effective between the hours of 9 PM and 7 AM. It is during these hours that villains are least inclined to tangle with him, as he can pretty much use all his other powers at once, nonstop, without tiring appreciably;And without requiring food, sleep or trips to the bathroom.

Next:
Noble Blood

With a wink of his eye Lardy can transform the blood of his opponent into a Noble Gas

NEXT:

Total Static Head

Okay that's about the coolest power so far!


Re: Total Static Head
Lardy can emanate waves from his head that cause all communications devices within two miles to get nothing but static.

Next:
Dance Break

Dance with Lardy at your own risk--bones have been broken, man!!!!

Next:
Skid Marks the Spot!

This power is used for searching for buried treasure. It starts off with Lardy running in an increasingly widening circle. At just the right point, he starts to slide or skid along the ground. He will keep skidding until he comes to rest on the next hidden "treasure" in the direction he was skidding. Unfortunately, it usually just turns up discarded pennies.


Next:
A Touch of Mink

With a touch, Lardy can turn any object into a mink coat. The object must be touched with his left elbow while he is standing on his head and singing the theme to The Patty Duke Show, but some of these powers do have rather odd limitations.

Next:
Wine Press

Everyone knows that those swanky glossies like Wine Spectator just make stuff up based upon how much advertising dough they get from the vintners and restaurant owners. If we only had Lardy's superpower, we could tell by sight alone which wine was worth the $60 price tag and which wine was just Franzia in a cooler package. As a bonus, we'd always have the power to verbally one-up those irritating culture vultures in black who always show up at wine tastings to make everyone else feel low-class.

Next:
Poke Salad

Just by poking any leafy green vegetables, Lardy can instantly animate them into a flurry of flying leaves and stems, ably providing confusion to any foe. Obviously a salad would have a lot of these, and as such is a formidable weapon.

Next:
Crotch Rocket

By humming any tune written by late-18th/early-19th-Century English composer William Crotch , Lardy can turn any object into a rocket.

Next:
Mood Music

Lard Lad's utility belt holds multiple specialized, pocket-sized song mixes that can be used to soothe the savage breasts of even his most formidable foes. It's easy for him to bring a battle to a swift end without destroying an entire city block, angering law enforcement or terrifying the public;He simply pops out the correct mix for broadcasting and sedates the enemy before he/she can strike a single blow.

Next:
Wrecking Crew

When threatened by decorum, Lard Lad has the useful ability to replicate himself multiple times and wreak havoc at upscale social functions.

Next:
Cheese Wiz

Lardy can cast magical spells using cheese. Some sort of cheese is always a component of the spell and the spell only affects cheeses.

Next:
April Showers

Lardy has the power to spy on women named April when they are in the shower. He can only do this for short periods or his eyes tend to fog up.

Next:
Waxy, Yellow Buildup

When squeezing his eyes shut and holding his nose, Lard Lad can shoot large gobs of wax out of his ears, taking out any evil doers who happen to be standing on either of him.

Next:
Hot Pockets

LardLad has the ability to instantly heat food to the perfect eating temperture, even from a frozen state. This only works on pizza pockets however.

NEXT:
Collector's Edition

Lard Lad's patented "Mylar Touch" can proof your most prized sequential literature against the ravages of time and nature-- without the need for any cumbersome and expensive bag 'n board paraphernalia.

Next:
Presidential Timber

Lard Lad can fashion realistic decoys of all the presidents out of scraps of lumber. This power proved very useful during the "Revolt of the Girl First Ladies!"

Next:
Cablevision

Quite a straight-forward power, Lardy has the ability to shoot a finely focused laser from his eyes toward a television at just the right frequency to toggle through over 120 channels. Very handy when the remote slips in between the couch cushions, or into other... ahem... hidden places.

Next:
A Chicken in Every Pot

Once, while foiling a string of robberies at Pottery Barn, Lardy put a live chicken in every pot. Then, he staked it out, and when the thief returned, every where he went, a chicken squawked. Lardy then captured him!

Next:
Happy Meal

Lard Lad can eat a meal and then a few hours later shoot small plastic toys out of his butt. It makes him a very popular guest at orphanages during the holidays...along with Disinfectant Damsel.

Next:
Hopscotch

If Lard Lad hops over any 8 ounce glass containing any liquid, it turns into a fine 12 year Scotch. He is limited to 25 glasses per hour.

Next:
Tinker Bell

Just by saying the words "Tinker Bell!" Lardy shrinks to a height of 4 inches, and is able to go inside many complex machines, like a clothes dryer to retrieve missing socks.

Next:
Saturated Fat

"Saturation" means "maximum unity of one substance with another substance." Much in the same way, Lardy has an innate ability to seat fat single folks next to skinny single folks at all his posh dinner parties and have them cooing to one another like the proverbial lovebirds by party's end. Countless size-contrasting couples have attributed their long and happy relationships to "that awesome dinner party at Lardy's place."

Next:
BB Gun

BB stands for "Big Butt." Due to his tremendously large bottom, Lardy is able to carry his backup weapon of choice between his own buttocks.

Next:
Buffalo Wings

If Lardy grabs two of these appetizers in each hand and then says over and over again "I do believe I can fly!", he still can't. But he can eat them and, depending on the level of spiciness, gain the ability to shoot flames out of his mouth.

Consuming several bottles of blue cheese dressing is the only way to negate the effect.

Next:
Spring Break

Lardy can ace any break-dancing competition with his patented "spring-loaded" matching shoes and headgear. Students of the form travel from all over the world to study his technique and craftsmanship.

Next:
Rio Grande

Lardy can turn any stream into a raging river by shouting "Rio Grande!" However, this can only occur in Mexico and only on Cinco de Mayo.

Next:
Liver Spots

Lardy persuades national TV networks to run commercials for local North Carolina regional favorite food liver mush. (It tastes a LOT better than it sounds!)

Next:
The Vapors

Whenever Lard Lad dons a pair of speedos, all women over the age of 50 must say "Oh My! I think I'm getting the Vapors!" This helped in his apocalyptic fight with the Boy Scouts.

Next:
Retention Bonus

Whenever Lard Lad dons a pair of speedos, if men can retain their lunch, that's a bonus.


Next:
Contrails

Lardy can skillfully clean a chicken or fish and-- with a snap of his fingers-- turn the entrails into junk bonds !

Next:
Compost Tea

It would have to.

It DOES, dammit! I've yet to have anyone who dared try it fail to like it--truth!

By putting decaying vegetable matter in boiling water, Lardy can produce an excellent cup of Earl Grey.

Next:
Pull My Finger

Lardy firmly maintains that his Johnson is an eleventh finger and has mighty powers when pulled.

Next
Cheez It

When Lardy utters the magic words, 'Cheez It, Louie, it's the cops!' everyone in his immediately area is propelled safely but swiftly hundreds of yards in every direction, and anyone viewing them loses track of where they went.

Next
Continental Breakfast

When Lardy flies on a certain major airline, all the passengers are magically served a decent breakfast.

Next:
Building Blocks

Lardy owes his small fortune to this particular super-power: The foes of ever-encroaching "Big Box" stores hire him to deliver stirring oratory to their local planning committees. No legion of Mal-Wart flacks can stand for long against Lardy's classic NIMBY speech.

Next:
Mustard Greens

Lard Lad can cause any expanse of grass to smell like mustard.

Next:
Water Board

Lardy can cause water to become as hard as wood and form it into a long rectangular shape. This can then be used in construction.

Next:
Coffee Break

Lardy's specially roasted blend of beans makes a home brew so potent that it can crack any mug on impact. However, the reserved grounds can also be used to seal the fissures back up again.

Next:
Solar Panels

Much like Superman, Lardy's solar powered. However, he must absorb the sunlight directly thru his solar plexus muscles (they're under there), which act as solar panels.

Next:
Fleet Enema

Lardy can cause an entire navy to--er--evacuate simultaneously.

Next:
Rumor Mill

Lardy can fix any mill wheel to turn continuously on the power of gossip alone! This comes in very handy during the dry season when the river tends to be a bit on the low side.

Next:
Five Card Stud

This is the power Lardy uses to hang pictures and shelves.
When he throws playing cards at a wall, every fifth card will stick to the wall wherever there is a stud.
Thus Lardy knows where to drill (or hammer)

Next:
Bark at the Moon

Used to scar particularly superstitious villains into thinking there's a wolf/ werewolf after them. Lardy uses this only on nights with a full moon.

Next:
Fire in the Hole

Like the legendary British delicacy Toad-In-The-Hole , but much, much spicier. Lardy's version contains a clever distillation of grain alcohol and ground-up Habanero peppers.

Unfortunately, the one in a thousand villains it doesn't kill tend to become stronger after ingesting a faceful of it. (See entry on "Superboy Prime.")

Next:
Ambient Sound

Lardy has the power to produce low-level, background noise, which is perfect for distracting evil-doers into thinking nothing is going on.

Next:
Music of the Spheres

Lardy can make music utilizing two spherical parts of his anatomy.

Next:
boobies

Because Lard Lad really really likes boobies, he has developed the ability to correctly guess any villainess' cup size just by feeling up her evil bazoombas.

Next:
Mutton chops

Lardy has the uncanny ability to teach sheep karate. Cobie beware!!

Next:
Call Forwarding

Lardy can distract the opposing team's forward during a tough soccer game, merely by shouting the word, "Notlob" once from any spot inside the stadium. The goalie for his team then acquires a valuable additional five seconds to keep the ball from the net!

Next:
Parrot Sketch

Lardy can sketch a parrot, which will then come to life to do his bidding for exactly the amount of time it takes to quote a certain "Monty Python" sketch, at which time the parrot rings down the curtain and joins the Choir Invisible.

Next:
In the Wink of an Eye

While hitchhiking on a starry night through the legendary citrus groves of Texas, Lardy refused a mysterious sprite's insistence that he "Go ahead and just take those grapefruits, Bub. No one's looking." Turns out the sprite was none other than Rio Star, Guardian Spirit of Domestic Citrus. In reward for his goodness and honesty, Rio Star bestowed Lardy with the power to spit grapefruit juice into the eye of his enemies at will;as well as immunity to any citrus-related attacks from his enemies, of course.



Next:
Weekend Pass

By reaching into a pocket and producing a gold ticket that reads 'T.G.I.F.' and then breaking into a (surprisingly catchy) rendition of Loverboy's 'Working for the Weekend,' Lardy can alter the flow of time so that it immediately becomes 5 PM on Friday. The one time he did this on 4:59 on a Friday, the time-space continuum collapsed and he became the seventh incarnation of the Time Trapper. It's generally agreed that he wasn't as good as the one with the scarf.

Next;
Inverted V.

With a chuckle, Lard Lad can change any bicycle seat into an inverted V.

Leapin' Lizards

Lardy can infiltrate swap meets and flea markets disguised as a customer. Cheap knockoffs of textured Gucci and other big-name designer bags will jump several feet, revealing their status as fakes. Whereas the genuine article will temporarily become a live lizard (or crocodile)-- all it takes is a wave of Lardy's hand. This power also works on wallets, shoes, and belts.

Next:
Shock Absorber

Since Lardy discovered that he can absorb massive amounts of energy through his butt cheeks, earthquakes are no longer a concern for the residents of Creviceville, CA.

Next:
Italian Dressing

Largely an improvement on a villain\'s invention. Offsets or reverses the damage borne of overly-broad Italian stereotypes.

Next:
Jack-O-Lantern

Lardy has his own power ring. Its power source is a lantern charged with Michael "Jack-o" Jackson's essence and music. Should you be hit by the ring's beam, you will instantly become sexually and racially ambiguous, be the subject of endless tabloid rumors and be able to perform a flawless moonwalk!

Next:
Fall Colors

<span style="font-size: 11px;">Ahem. Sorry.</span>

Lardy has a thorough knowledge of those "What Season Are You?" fashion 'n makeup charts that first took hold amongst the masses about twenty years ago. With a simple wave of his hand, he can turn any woman or man into a temporary "Autumn," so the person in question can wear those lovely rusts, deep golds, and bright oranges that s/he always wanted to.


Next:
Grab Bag

If he is otherwise incapacitated, Lardy's scrotum will expand and take the shape of hands that will grab the nearest potential weapon...

Next: Pin the tail on the donkey

Lardy immediately can come up with an innocuous sounding euphemism for any of his seedy Tijuana adventures.

Next: Univision

With the merest glance, Lard Lad can translate any language into Spanish. Too bad he flunked out of Spanish in high school.

Next: Clear Channel

The ability to create the effects of a laxative in his most backed up enemies...

Next: Swizzlestick

Lardy has the ability to stir your cocktail from across the room using an appendage you'd really rather not have in your drink at all. Shaken drinks take a bit longer.

Next: Kodachrome

Lardy can morph at will into Yoda's hotter, younger sister: Koda. Her Jedi powers are similar to those of Color Kid, but they only affect photographs, holos, and other likenesses of the three-dimensional world.

Next:
Ground-to-Air

Lardry can transmute any piece of terrain into a noxious fart.

NEXT:
keyboard cat

Lardy's mental powers include the ability to detect "cat-like typing" in internet exchanges with others, thus averting misunderstandings online and their attendant flamewars.

Next:
Jumbo Shrimp

Lardy has the power to create living oxymorons. Unfortunately, the accent is on the "moron" part. They're never very bright.

Next:
Chips and Salsa

Lardy has the power to make California highway cops dance to Latino music.

Next:
Holy Guacamole!

Very specific subgenre of "Super-Disguise" under which Lardy has the ability to convince primitive cultures that he is a god... simply by covering himself with avacado dip.

Next:

Six of One, Half-Dozen of the Other

Lardy's anti-coluan power, which allows him to make to identical numbers appear to be different.

Next:

Laser mouse

Lardy has the power to shoot lasers from his eyes, but only at images of Mickey Mouse.

Next:
Flying Buttress

Lardy has the ability to disarm opponents by hurling foam donut pillows with unerring accuracy. (What? You mean "Buttress" isn't a contraction of Butt Mattress?)

Next:
One if by Land/Two if by Sea

Lardy has the ability to duplicate items, but only if he's in the middle of the ocean. It does come in handy whenever he's stranded on a deserted island, though.

Next:

Nelly Hat!

Lardy has a miniatured version of the N.L.E, aka \'White Rabbit Number Six\' , stored in his hat, and can use it to tunnel through the earth.

Next:

Mammaltoe!

Lardy has the ability to transform into any mammal's toe. He most often uses it to turn into an elephant's toe to give people a boost when they need to reach something high up.

Next:

Tennis elbow

Lardy can zap old, dead tennis balls with a magic ray, transforming them into delicious elbow macaroni casseroles! A terrific power if you're visiting relatives in the Midwest.

Next:
The Bump!

Lardy has the power to create threads that had never existed with a start date of three years earlier. He then bumps them and says "remember this thread?", which everyone does.

Next:
Forever in Bluejeans

Lardy has the power to curse anyone to always have to wear Blue Jeans only. No changing into slacks, boxer shorts, bikinis, mankinis, gowns, dresses, skirts, minis, body stockings, bermuda shorts...

Poverty Lad is his next target.

Next:

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

When faced with less than potent holiday eggnog, Lardy has the ability, by shouting the phrase, "YOHOHO," to summon the "Noble Spirits of Christmas Past" to promptly remedy the situation.

Next:

Jingle All the Way

If you're at the Laundromat, and find yourself faced with insufficient quarters in your pockets and an unresponsive change machine, just clap your hands once and say Lardy's name. He'll appear instantly, bringing change you really can believe in.

Next:
Nut Assortment

Tired of eating only peanuts, or pistachios, or walnuts?

Lard Lad can transmute nuts into any other nut. It only works on every 3rd nut, though.

Next:

Shake Well

Similar to dowsing for water, Lardy has the ability to divine the exact location to dig a well capable of yielding tasty milkshakes.

Next: Hold the Pickle

Hate it when waiters and fry cooks get your order wrong? One zap from Lardy will fix that!

Next time you ask them to "hold the pickles", they totally will.

Next: Raise Your Glass

Lardy uses this power to arrive unannounced at weddings and give inappropriate toasts about that time him and the groom went to band camp

Next:
Dancing Queen

Lardy can whistle the 1970s Dairy Queen jingle all the way through, thereby compelling anyone in earshot to dance!

Next:
Mani-Pedi

Lardy has the ability to control all reality - but only in Mani, Greece and in the Northern Transvaal of South Africa

Next:

All Night Long

Lardy can cause objects to grow longer and stay that way till dawn.

Next:
Touched in the head.

Lardy can mind-control you, but only if he touches your head first.

Next:

Funny Bone

Like the heroine of this groovy children's book, Lardy is half-fairy. Which means he, like its heroine and unlike normal humans, can kiss his own elbow. Doing so in the midst of battle causes his enemies to collapse in the throes of laughter. At which point he can deliver them to the authorities without risk of violence or property destruction.

Next:
Frame Drum

Lardy carries around a makeshift drum set made out of picture frames. Playing them forces anyone in the vicinity to dance uncontrollably.

As expected, Lardy is a hit at parties. Why, that one time he played at a nursing home for nuns and priests...

Next:

Baseline

When Lardy is Ump at a baseball game, the bases stay neat and tidy. No need to have an assistant come out between innings and dust them off to make them more visible!

Next:
Brown-And-Serve

Similar to Matlock's Hot Coffee Vision, this power enables Lardy to create and serve coffee with cream.

Next:
The Edge of Night

Lardy can create localized eclipses. Ever wanted to catch that solar eclipse but kept sleeping through it? Now Lardy can show you what it's like.

Next:

Take it to the Limit

When your vehicle reaches the speed limit with Lardy onboard, you'll have an instant SEXY PARTY!

Next:

Fart Blossom

Lardy can make flowers smell like methane. Useful for pranking people on April Fools!

Next:

The Shredding

Lardy's ass can act as a paper shredder! (Just don't ask where the pieces come out...:brrr:)

Next:

Prime Time

Lardy can tell in an instant the exact time the 1969 film The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie will next be shown on television.

Next:
Mashed Rutabagas

Lardy can mash any plant material with the awesome powers of his manboobs.

Next:

Pork and Beans

Lardy's musical powers led to him creating a secret-identity-within-a-secret-identity: Lead singer/guitarist of the nation's most popular All-Weezer Cover Band!

Next
Cashmere Bouquet

Lardy has the amazing ability to create miniature Power Boys, with cashmere fur, and of various colors!


Next
Hi Yah, Ms. Dipesto!

When asked, Lardy can instantly come up with amusing rhymes with which to answer the phone at your detective agency.

Next:
El Chupacabras

By saying 'El Chupacabra!' Lardy can cause any goat in the area to be immediately and fatally exsanguinated by unseen forces!

Next:
Onomatopoeia

Lard Lad can translate a conversation between animals from different countries.

For example a French dog says "ouah ouah" while a German dog says "wau wau" and a Japanese dog says "wan wan".

Lardy can straighten out all this confusion ...


Next:
Mini Apples

Lardy keeps an army of miniaturized Steve Jobs clones always close at hand, because you never know...

Next:
Roman Candle

Lardy can transmute any amount of wax, provided it has a lit wick, into an animate Roman centurian, gladiator, or other ancient historical character under Lardy's control, but only for as long as the candle would have remained burning had it not been transformed. At the end of the duration, it resumes the shape of the spent candle it would have been anyway.

Next:
Friends With Benefits

Whenever Lardy happens to need something, like a ride to the action in an experimental hovercar, or an expert on computer security who also happens to be familiar with nuclear regulatory protocols, or someone who conveniently to know how to get blood out of silk with common items she happens to have in her purse right this second, such a person immediately shows up, and is conveniently an old friend who owes Lardy a favor!

Next:
Party Animal

Lardy can summon any animal, fictional or real, but only when such animal is requested by 50+1% of the attendees at a party.

Next:

Frankly My Dear, I Don't Give a Damn

As Proty was to Chameleon Boy in the Silver Age, as Tige was to Buster Brown in the heyday of children's shoes, and as Billy Martin was to George Steinbrenner in the 1970s, so there's the team of...

Lard Lad and Frankly. Frankly the animate tube-shaped meat product lives most of the time in a magic ring on Lardy's left pointer finger.

When Lardy is being menaced by a mad scientist's pack of wild dogs or hungry monster mutant toddlers, however, all he has to do is say "My Dear" into the ring.

Out springs Frankly, discreetly clad in a delicious bun and all required condiments. His job is to lead the menacing carnivores away from Lardy, to their dooms. (Over a nearby cliff or into chopper blades, for instance.)

By adding the phrase, "I don't give a damn," Lardy can create an additional Frankly, as many as needed for a particular battle.

(Frankly's spirit is the ring itself, so loss of one or several corporeal bodies in battle does not mean his actual demise. He gets annoyed if Lardy accidentally leaves his ring in his uniform pocket when it's being laundered, however.)

Next:
G-Clef

Lardy can deepen the cleft on his chin, making all the girls go "Gee"! it makes his already handsome face even more handsome.

Next:

Nacho Libre

Lardy can make anyone who has eaten any sort of Mexican food (not just nachos!) in the last few hours vomit uncontrollably by shouting 'Vive la revolution!'

Next:

Glee club

As soon as Lardy starts singing, all people within 20 feet of him will feel the uncontrollable urge to join a flash mob and follow his every dance step.

Next:

Yogi Bear

Lard Lad can boost his intelligence to slightly higher than the average bear.

Next:

thothkinesis

Lard Lad can clearly and concisely articulate his reasoning for making guesses on trivia threads.

Next:

Twinkification

Lardy can transform any object into a cream filled, penis shaped snack. All super villains are strangely captivated by the snacks, allowing easy capture and abuse in prison.

Next:
Director's Cut

Whenever someone tells a story, Lardy can compel them to include all the juicy, secret details that they never ever wanted anyone to know.

Next:

Salad Tossing

The envy of the food industry, Lardy can take any number of raw ingredients and combine them instantly into the correct dishes. Some cooking may be required, but what a timesaver, leaving Lardy to work out what...

Spectral Sneezing does.

Lardy can summon ghosts with a sneeze. They are always, however, accompanied by large amounts of ectoplasm.

Next

Twinks and Bears

Using his Hostess utility belt, Lardy uses cream filled (optionally penis shaped) snack that never fails to attract wildlife.

Next:

Disco Diva

Lardy can make anyone dance by glancing at them, but only if disco-era hits are playing.

Next:

Calm Yo Tits

While this power could technically be used to prevent war across the planet, Lardy only ever seems to use it in the middle of cities.

Drunken brawls, dug fuelled rampages and domestic abuse all seem to attract this power like a magnet. All are instantly calmed, and pause mid hair pull, by Lardy saying this phrase at full volume.

Next:

Choose Your Approach

When someone is walking toward Lardy, he can move them so they approach him from a different direction.

Next:
It All Comes Down to This.

By uttering the word "This", Rocky can cause everything within a six foot radius to collapse on top of whatever object he is referring. Kind of like turning that object into a black hole.

Next:

Off To See The World

Whenever trouble is afoot and someone goes to see Lardy for help, he is always conveniently on vacation and leaves a note tthat he's "off to see the world".

Next:

Encore performance

When Lardy claps his hands, he can make people repeat their last action.

Next:

Might Need You To Hold Me Tonight

Daring espionage agent Lardy may be trapped at night in a foreign city. He may be surrounded by deadly enemies (and some comic ninjas thrown in as part of a package deal). He may never have set foot there before in his life.

But he will always, always have a safe house lined up. He'll always have someone to protect him.

Next:
Ventriloquist's Dummy

Lardy can make anyone say anything he wants.

Next

Backpacker Blogger

Lardy gets all the credit for foiling foreign spies, femme fatales and evil super geniuses. But it's all down to the small action figure he can bring to life.

Lardy used to call it his Pocket Rocket before being embarrassed into stopping due to rude remarks. Now it is his Backpack Blogger, since it mainly lives there and also doubles as his publicist. It tweets updates as Lardy trudges back to civilisation after another successful mission.

Next:
Civic Pride

Lardy's Honda Civic fills him with such pride that he drives it everywhere he goes. Criminals and bystanders alike are so awed by it they stop whatever they are doing to bask in its glory

Next:

Around the World

Lardy knows long term, successful marketing when he sees it. That's why, when he adopted his superhero identity, he went with something that was sure to be timeless.

Following in the footsteps of his idols Dazzler (disco) and Vibe (Breakdancing) Lardy became Ya Kid Yo-Yo!

Villains would double over from yo-yo strikes: The Shockwave (smashed onto ground to create mini earthquake), The UFO (super flight) and of course his coup de grâce Around the World (combat teleportation)

Next: Baffling Premise

A successful argument depends on its premises. Lardy can cause even the most logical of premises to become so baffling that nobody understands the argument.

Next:

Fleabag

Lard Lad is so tough that he makes Chuck Norris look like a common fleabag. Without even trying!

Next up: moonshine

The prophecy of the McPalardy clan had come to pass. Finally, the special one had arrived. The one who did not go blind after years on the backward mountain clan's moonshine.

Lardy would take his amazing ability to see and forge a backwater crimefighting career as The Shiner.

Next:
Cushion Stuffing

Lardy can turn ordinary seat cushions into tesseracts. He commonly uses them to store weapons, first aid kits, Hostess Fruit Pies, a very cool motorbike, and his porn.

Next:

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee

Life is wonderful and the world is full of happy, fluffy people. NO! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

Whew! It's lucky we have Lardy to see what's really going on and shake us out of our complacency.

Next:
Later Is Now!

Lardy can fast-forward time.

Next:

RHinestone Cowboy

He can switch minds with his second cousin on Aunt Matilda's side ... which may or may not be an aunt or a person named Matilda, or even a person ... anyway the second cousin's name is Lorenzo and Lorezo dresses like a Rhinestone Cowboy. At least I think it's his second cousin.



Next:
Cousin Larry

Lardy can establish a psychic rapport with anyone named Larry who has at least one cousin. He can access the skills of these people. The athleticism of Larry Bird, the public speaking skills of Larry King, the sense of humor of Larry the Cable Guy...

Next:

Shark Bait

Sharknados are a growing threat to many coastal towns. Brutal storms bring terrifying storms of sharks down on the heads of residents. Clearly a champion is needed. One reluctant hero stepped forth, at gun point, to stand between the towns and the sharks.

Wearing only a life preserver and an "I love Jaws!" T-Shirt. The rest is as pantless as Pov to provide...Shark Bait!

Next:
Hothouse Flower

Lardy likes it hot. So hot that global warming is good for him - he draws energy from the heat, converting it into harmless, life-giving energy that he can channel into other living beings.

Lardy travels the barren deserts and impoverished countries of the world to use his powers to make plants and food grow everywhere.

Next:

Click-bait

Top Ten Lard Powers!
You won't Believe what Lardy did to Cobie!
Lard Power can take you to these secret places!
Earn $$$$ using this simple posting trick!
The All-Lard Diet Revealed!
I Can't Believe It's Not Lard!

Despite global superstardom, few realise that this persona doesn't exist. It's just Paladin in an office with a pot plant and visits from Mrs Miggins the cleaner. His powers of Self-Marketing are legendary. But his career ended when people realised it only worked when he marketed himself. Beware the power of Click-Bait!

Next:

Carbon Footprint

Lardy can turn himself into pure carbon. Useful when you need a diamond or some coal.

Next:

Smart-Ass

Faced with an alien of vast intelligence, Palardy knew he could only thwart the fiend by increasing his own intellect.

Fortunately his years as a border patrol avoiding mule had resulted in him being given the Elixir of Comet. One swig would increase his brainpower and turn him into a super swift flying horse.

Unfortunately, the bottle had been around since it's first appearance in a poor back up feature of Action Comics. Palardy got the intellect, to a point. But he took the physical form of an ass.

Earth was saved. Palardy the Super-Ass haunts the Legion World forums certain that one day Comet will post with a cure for his affliction.

Next:
Smooth Operator

Lardy can generate copious amounts of lubricating oil to help him operate any machine smoothly.

Next:

Clock Watcher

Who Watches the Watchmakers?

Secret Agent Lardschach has infiltrated secret Swiss talks, aimed at carving the world up post WWII.

Empires are to be swept away for a new world order. When he discovers that his own country will be behind many deaths to get what they want, can he stand back? Or can he stop them knowing that the alternatives are so much worse? The second hand sweeps the face of the clock at the summit and counts down the future of mankind...Lardschach takes on a new role as ...The Clock Watcher.

Next:
Straw Grasping

You know how Gambit (ok bad example) was really good with a bo staff? Lardy is a master at twirling anything. His favorite is to put straws together and beat people silly with them.

Next:

Flawless

The Justice League were trapped. Only Green Arrow could save them, with the bonus that he'd get to join the team. He concentrated. He had to find the weak spot in the villain's diamond form.

In another universe, the assassin aimed his gun at the diamond form of the ex-villain Hellfire club member, and now X-Mansion head. The would be killer had been told of a flaw in the diamond form.

But both were wrong! For both DC and Marvel Dialardies were flawless, and therefore immune to improbable plot developments!

Next:
Counting Crows

Lardy lends his ability to count the number of birds in a flock to science, as a researcher on bird behavior!

Next:

Savage Garden

Chlorophyll Kid goes Vertigo when new gardener Pal McLardy turns up to show him the true source of his powers.

See the two go up against the usual suspects: Swamp Thing, Floronic Man and Poison Ivy as they fight for The Green against umpteen other colours when Johns appears as guest writer.

Gasp as villains meet various horrid demises at the leaves, stems roots of various deadly plants.

But then feel a bit more knowledgeable as every issue comes with Pal McLardy's Horticultural Tips Page. The sub-genre started by Cap's Hobby Tips is revived and continues with Shade the Changing Man's Therapy page and John Constantine's How to be a Geezer page. The tips are later collected in a Who's Who format edition.

Next:
Cladding

Lardy is gifted with a superb sense of fashion and telekinetic powers like Kinetix's, so he can whip up a brand new outfit for anyone in a snap.

Next:

Fair-Weather Friend

He's the star of solo books. He's also the star of every LW team book. Wise and honourable in some (mainly through the writer having read a book on samurai once), abrupt and rude in others and an unbearable psychopath in many more!

All things to all people, with no consistency or real character. Lardy McPsycho or Fair Weather Palardin. Which Lardy will you get today for your sales boost?

Next:
Stereophonic

Lardy can play any kind of music or recording over phone lines. Kinda like Antennae Lad, only he needs a phone.

Next:

Kaleidoscope World

Hey! Swing Out Sister With Lardy!

All-Here! All-Hip! All-Gear! It's Lardy Luvs!

It's luscious Lard Power vs Malevolent Mayavale mayhem in our scintillating psychedelic sure fire hit!

Get your free psychedelic specs when you enter The Kaleidoscope World! Groovy!

Next:
Margarine Substitute

Lardy continues his crusade for authentic eating by transmutating all margarine into lard! It tastes better too.

Next:

Punch-Drunk

Do any of these situations sound familiar?

"Gee, this party is more boring than a '50s romance cover. But I'm stuck."

"Gee. This conference with Al Gordon is into it's fourth hour. But there's no escape."

"Oh, not another event comic. It's only been 2 minutes since the last one. How can I get back to my own story?"

Fear not! Because the solution is at hand. And it's a hand with a punch. Yes! just take along your inebriated pal Lardy to any and all social occasions! Watch and laugh as he mishears or gets offended at the slightest thing. One assault later and your Punch Drunk Pal has freed you for the rest of the day!

Buy your Punch Drunk Paladin now*!


*kegs not included.

Next:
Beat Generator

The energy crisis is solved! Lardy can generate energy by beating on things. When nothing's around all he has to do is drum his fingers on his arm.

Next:

Professional E-Gamer

Like a bad early 1980s movie, Lardytron is connected to E-Space (hey, there ain't no web browsing here!).

In E-Space Lardytron infiltrates military networks. Getting his friends involved from across the world, they play war games (in a way not to get sued by the makers of War Games) for keeps. They play for the money they blackmail out of the countries.

Next:
Bell Ringer

Like a certain Legionnaire of African descent, Lardy can cause various effects to happen with sound. But Lardy's power works with magical bells. So when you hear a bell ringing... Get out of the way.

Next:

Star of Destiny

Lardy can tell you how--but not when--any movie star will die.

Next:
Salt Shaker

Shaking his booty can allow him to turn anything into salt.

Next:

Selfie Stick

In a Covert Cosmic Convergence Crisis Lardy encounters The Anti-Lard.

This enables Lardy to lose mass. Unfortunately, it means that he becomes a stick figure to everyone else. Lost in superhero group photos and ignored during Events, Lardy's career plummets. Desperate to stay involved in super heroism, he hires himself out as a selfie stick for super hero photo ops.

Next:
English Major

Lardy transforms into Major General Stanley from the Piratesof Penzance.

Next:

Sick Day

The Day that Lardy Took Over Legion World!

Still affected by the Anti-Lard, Lardy becomes obsessed with Drura Sehpt, and tries to court her attention by taking over Legion World! All who disobeyed would get sore tum tums, sniffoos and other minor ailments.

Drura arrived to show Lardy that such powers should never be used for minor bad things. Convalescing later in his hospital bed, Lardy looked on the Drura created ailment he had as the best illness of his life.

Next:
Sea Shanty!

Lardy owns a magical house that can float on the sea or sink under it and fires missiles of destruction. Some landlubber called it a submarine but it is SO much more than that.

Next:

Avenue Q

Lardy can change all the object on one block of a given street to objects beginning with the letter Q. Look out for quilts, quince, quails and quaggas.

Next:
Into the Woods

Lardy can create a forest around anyone. Complete with little singing woodland creatures.

Next:

Rebooted

Lardy can change anyone's footwear into a nifty pair of boots.

Next:
Sweet-Ass Sixteen

Lardy can conjure up sixteen asses to do his bidding.

Next:

Long Live the Legion

Lardy causes the French Foreign Legion members to become immortal. Everyone just assumes his powers finally malfunctioned for a few decades.

Next:

Singing Telegram

Whenever Lardy sends a singing telegram, what he sings will happen. So if he sings, "I hope you drop dead..."


Next:


The Grave Is No Bar To My Call

Lardy courted controversy by opening a bar free alcohol and relics vending service on Shanghalla. But the drinks refreshed weary travellers and, when contacted by Orandans, the deceased heroes were glad of the increased numbers of visitors. Especially Hate Face.

Next:
Tick Tock

When a nearby clock is ticking, Lardy can summon the power of Teeds' fave boy band Color Me Badd. So when ever he tick-tocks, you can't stop....whatever it is you're doing.

Next:
Lardy's ears are burning

Activated by having people talk about him, his ear get so hot they can burn through 3 feet of inertron

Next: Sorry not Sorry

The Quantum Palardy was created by the technomages far in Earth's future. Having solved all of mankind's ills, even the ones they didn't know they had, the mighty bio-computer fell into disuse. Eventually it would ask a simple question of redemption to visitors. "Sorry? Not sorry?"

Next: April Showers

Lardy has an intense-- some would say obsessive-- level of adoration for April Kane: a sweet but obscure kid supporting character from Milton Caniff's Terry And The Pirates. He can find any online board or social media group and steer any conversation, no matter how seemingly random or unrelated, into discussions about his pen-and-ink good luck charm.

Of course, you'll find people online who do the same thing with their over-the-top love for things like ranch dressing or guillotine deaths. However, Lardy's superpower enables him to indulge his obsession without causing ire, mod breakdowns, or the wholesale collapse of the boards he visits. In fact, he's managed to recruit new April Kane fans from all over the multiverse!

Next: May Day

Some say that Lardy's May obsession comes from being raised by, Lost Legion foe, Calendar King. Others suggest that, along with his April fixation, it's clearly related to his subscription to Play-Sentient of the Month.

Yet both of these views would turn out to be so very wrong!

Recent Time Bubble security footage (thanks Cobie!) has uncovered Lardy's numerous trips back to the Crisis of the 20th century. But Lardy isn't going there to fight Auntie Monitor. He's using the energies from the event to pass over to the Marvel-verse!

Like Lyle Norg before him, Lardy has found true love in another dimension. Everyone thinks that Aunt May and Lardy make a perfect couple. As soon as he's killed off her pesky nephew, Lardy will be able to bring the hottest lady in Marvel back to Legion World!

But will Lardy end up like Archie, constantly caught between Aunt May and April Kane? Lucky guy!

Next: June Moon

During the month of June, Lardy can teleport anyone he moons to the surface of the moon.

Aren't you glad it's July?

Next: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

After consuming copious amounts of whiskey, Lardy gains the ability to dance! Or at least thinks he does, and no one has the heart to tell him that's not an actual power.


Next:

Turkish Delight

Lardy has the power to conjure your heart's delight, but only if it's a sickly-sweet jellied candy that tastes of flowers. I would not sell my siblings for that!

Next:
Alaskan King Crab Legs

Lardy has the power to grow up to ten extra-strong legs.


Next:

Bazinga!

Lardy can spontaneously create T-Shirts with catch phrases from TV shows. They are extra-small T-shirts which appear on foes and restrict their movement.

Next:

Social Distancing

Lardy can teleport people around, but only within a 1.5 meter distance

Next:

Cream of Mushroom Soup

His teleporting range is much greater than that! (I was sure someone would use a fart joke instead! )



Sometimes Lardy's dookie looks and tastes just like Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup! Wanna try some?

Next:

Word to the Muthah

I thought teleportation (albeit limited) would be cooler

errrgh i'll skip over the cream soup one...

Word to the Muthah

Lardy has the telepathic ability to create an empathic link between mothers and their children... extremely empathic, like the kids will broadcast EVERYTHING. No age limit here either, be warned..


Next:

I Am Woke

I Am Woke

Detective Paladin entered the fourth day staking out the criminals hideout. He was never relieved from his task. Shift patterns meaning nothing to the "Man Who Never Slept!"


Lockdown

Lardy can open a tesseract and store your valuables in it. Nobody is ever going to find those...

Next:

Disney Princess

Only Lardy has the power to convince recent Disney Princess, Leia, that she doesn't fancy her own brother.

Next:

Gnocchi and Enter

Lardy temporarily gains a power-boost to his strength, speed and durability after eating a plate of gnocchi outdoors, but the boost only works indoors. Cue Lardy gulping down plates of pasta, then busting through locked doors to fight crime!


next:

Fluffy Little Dogs

They're manicured! They're coiffured! They're dressed in matching collars! Paladin trades in the Lard Force for Poodle Power! Trixie, Pixie and Mixie join Paladin on the tough city streets, eradicating crime with a bark and a nip. All in Lardy and the Poodles! Only from LW Comics!

And speaking of city streets...

Manhole Covers

Lardy can turn manhole covers into interdimensional gateways.

Next:

Crash Diet

The people know better. They want to have balanced, controllable diets. But they stray, the burger is raised to the mouth and ?>CRASH!< Lardy blasts into them, preventing them from making poor dietary decisions! Aren't our stomachs happy to have a friend like Lardy?!

Next: Tunnel Vision

Where is our favorite android Avenger? Oh, well, Lardy knows. And if you ask nicely, he can tunnel directly to Vision's location!

Next:

Pumpkin Pie

Mr Anders plummets from the skyscaper? onlookers gasp... it's hopeless....>splotch!< saved by the giant Pumpkin Pie cushioning his fall!

Todays gangs aren't going to fall for the old crime fighting methods. No way they'll stop for a Hostess Fruit Pie. But Lardy's up to the minute Pumpkin Pie? Take 'em away officer!

In a tense stand off, Patisserie Pete refuses to release any of the hostages! Who could possibly infiltrate the establishment in the guise of a freshly baked Pumpkin Pie?

It's tough out there! Together with Teleport Teen, Lardy pushes his powers to the max, '90s Image style, and Pumpkin Pie slices appear to all around the world! A thanksgiving gesture that unites the world, ushering in an age of world peace that leads humanity to the stars.


Next:
Funny Bone

Lardy can make a guy laugh uncontrollably when he pops a boner.

Next:
Buttered Toast

Lardy can magically create butter out of thin air, but only when he's in front of a perfectly toasted piece of bread.

Next:

Half Moon

Legion World has been mind controlled by one of their major foes, The Flasher.

But Lardy's heroic power to resist a full moon allows him to throw off that control and save his colleagues! Whattasentient!


Next:
Pet Cemetary

Lardy magically generates soft, pretty, customized headstone-cozies (or blankets, for flat-markers) for the upcoming Day Of The Dead.

Not only will our beloveds Fluffy and Scruffy look good for the big remembrance feast, they'll be protected from the elements, too.

Next:
Foundation Trilogy

Lardy can reinforce and repair cracks in foundations, but only if they occur in multiples of three.

Next:

I'm Walking Away

Ef-Em, the Daxamite Goddess of Classic Rock, gifted Lardy with a chain that holds a shiny electric guitar pendant. It can teleport him away from sudden danger anytime, once he plays the famous opening chords of a certain Aerosmith song, of course.

Next:
Medium Roast

Lardy can cook up the perfect roasted pig, he specializes in smaller pigs that can feed eight.

Next:

Woke Culture

Lardy has belatedly jumped aboard the gourmet food cart bandwagon. But nobody minds. His delicious espresso yogurts and kefirs, all made and roasted from scratch, are the talk of the town!

Next:
Honda Civic

Lardy can transform into a Honda Civic... that has all the powers of a normal Honda Civic. Except it can also talk. and change color. and never runs out of gas too!

Next:

Oracle Migration

Lardy's intelligence-gathering skills are second only to those of a certain legendary DC hero, and he doesn't need the internet to help store and transfer the info, either. He carries it all in his head!

Next:

Trash Can Turkey

Lardy can conjure up turkeys (live, cooked, raw, plush, stuffed, Lego, anything in between) but only from a trash can.

Next:

Zoom Call

Lardy knows exactly what is going to be said whenever you call him so he can hang up before you even ring.

Next:

Black Friday

Lardy can create a worldwide eclipse and power outage on Black Friday. Let's see if that puts a damper on people's shopping...


Next:

Dry Eyes

A dried husk is all that remains of the journalist who linked Lardy's moisture controlling powers with his bottled water and moisturiser empires.

Next: Cold Snap

When someone is cold and rude to him, Lardy can fire back with the most gut-wrenching, put-you-in-your-place comeback.

Next:

Tinkerbell

Lardy invented a special retro land-line with which he can call legendary TV bigwig Grant Tinker in the afterlife. Some of those incredible/appalling showbiz stories weren't even known to the nostalgia-craving public-- until now!!

Next:

Hippety-Hop

Lardy can animate inanimate objects, but only to make them hop like bunnies


Next:

Pancake House

Toasted by the sun's rays, Lardy solves the food crisis, while promoting urban development. All thanks to his pancake transformation powers.

Next: Freudian Slip

After reading a book of mystical psychoanalysis, Lardy discovered he could now cause people to say inappropriate things.

Next: Scaredy Cat

The power of fear grants Larry cat claws, speed, senses and reflexes when he’s frightened

Next

Mojo Jojo

The secret blend of herbs and spices in Lardy' famous Jojo-style fried potatoes recipe can grant anyone he prepares it for a superpower of their own choosing!!

Next:
Rabbit Punch

Lardy’s famous vegetable punch (hence: rabbit, cause it’s made of rabbit food) can boost the strength of anyone who takes it. Think Popeye and spinach, but on steroids


Next:

Waiting Room

Lardy's specialized telekinesis will meticulously clean and tidy any room (one at a time), if he just wishes for it. However, the cleaning happens in real time, and not instantaneously.

(Lardy's wife still believes that she has the most industrious, thoughtful husband in the world, though. Much like the couple from that one John Byrne *Fantastic Four* story.)

Next:
Captain Crunch

Lardy can animate and command little pieces of a certain crunchy cereal brand to do his bidding

Next:

Backpacking The World

Like a deranged Brainiac, Lardy can miniaturise the world, and place it in his backpack. Earthlings are oblivious to being taken to dodgy hostels across the galaxy, thinking that it's just a particularly dark night.

Next: New Broom

Lardy has used his powers to set up a successful broom repair business for all those witches and wizards. One touch, and their broom is not only good as new - it's enhanced, upgraded, to the next model! (Some of the savvier customers have been returning daily now, just to skip a few upgrades...)


Next:


I Can't Even

Professor Malice aimed his death ray at the city sprawled below him. He thought about getting up form his comfy battle chair and going over to press the activate button. "I can't even summon the energy to get up off my comfy chair. I wonder what's on TV..."

Daedelus The Destroyer was poised to unleash his army of mutants across mid-town...but they hadn't shown up. "I can't even get good minions anymore!" he screamed at the approaching super heroes.

Just two life saving examples of Lardy's powers of ennui!


Next:

Moonshine

when Lardy moons someone, the blinding light generated by his twin orbs can pacify even the most enraged enemy

Next:

Strawberry Fields Forever

While not the famous actress her sister, Sally, was, Strawberry Fields was incredibly popular with anyone she met. She was such an inspiration to everyone, the communuty started to look for ways to prolong her life. Enter Professor Ivo's trainee and fashion consultant...Lardy!

NEXT:

Two Pronged Attack!

Lardy can generate a duplicate of himself, but the dupe always appears like 10 meters away - useful for launching a two-pronged attack. Oh, and for some reason when he does, they are both holding giant two-pronged forks, just cause

Next:

Rock Around the Clock

Trapped in the Great Depression, The Legion Worlders turn to Lardy for a way to return them to their golden future...
"Look!" exclaimed the hero all other Legion Worlders looked up to, mostly as he wore stilts a lot.
"A poster for a dancathon! Just the thing my handy Dial L For Lardforce device can help with!"
Embued with the power to Rock Around the Clock, decades before rock and roll was even a thing, Lardy won the exploitative contest.
After catching the organisers in a racketeering scam, Lardy still had his Legion World buddies home in time for tea, and then onto the floating dance platforms of Ventura!

NEXT:
Curtain Call

When Lardy imitates their mating call, sentient curtains from around the world fly to his aid! Watch out as they zoom past you!

Next:

Oh Dear

Having an affinity for a particular family of hoofed ruminant mammals, Lardy can often been found in forests butting heads (and antlers) especially during mating season. His services are in demand in various parks and a few farms but he has one special client who calls on him once a year to ensure the wellbeing of his draft animals for his sleigh.

Next:

Hopping Mad

Mild-mannered Lard Paladin bit into a radioactive carrot… and discovered he could transform into a normal rabbit! This enraged him as it did not come with super strength, flight, invulnerability or the ability to talk… so he basically just hops around angrily until he turns back into a human

Next:

Stop the Train!

Following the economic collapse brought on by Emperor Giffen's insistance that everything in the galaxy be painted half black, strikes are commonplace!

Lard Lad has many important tasks in such a depression, but knows someone who can help. His Mirrorverse counterpart Bizarro Lardy shouts "Stop the Train!" Already on strike, mirror reality forces the strikes to collapse so that all the trains start running again. All parties, worried about other mirrorverse changes are soon round the negotiating table.


Next: The Tears of Sodam Yat

Lardy can induce whiny Sodam Yat to cry with the force of a thousand hailstones!

Don’t make Daxamites cry…

Next:

Them Gains

Everyday normal comic book civilians are constantly on the receiving end of weird energies, wars against other universes or are test subjects of villains. Yet so few of them get books of their own. The reason? They simply can't carry that Spandex look.

Lardy Consulting offers the Them Gains package, endowing the customer with amazing, ongoing series producing muscles! And for those worried about muscles in all the wrong places, Lardy Consulting has a No Image Artist guarantee!

Next:
Manhunter Sleeper Agent

Lardy can inexplicably, and in flagrant disregard of any pre-existing canon, turn out to have been a massively powerful robot all along, demonstrating powers and abilities that sure would have been helpful at many times during the past!

Next:
Alliterative Antipathy

Lardy can generate a feeling of disgust and revulsion, as long as he phrases the concept as an alliteration.

"Don't you just hate animated aardvarks? Bountiful berries? Courageous cheetahs? Diabolical designs?"

you get the idea.

Next:

Read the Fine Print

Dr. Devious powered up his Omni-Laser, revelling in the thrumming noise it sent from the mountain top. Soon the Earth would fall to it's...

Annoyed as much as the breaking of his inner monologue, as by a knock on the door of a supposedly secret retreat, Devious went over to the camouflaged entrance.

Beyond the doorway, stood a shadowed figure which said "You're not allowed to power your Omni-Laser after 7pm. The noise pollution impacts the towns at the foot of the mountain. It's all here in your Omni laser leasing contract. Just there...in the fine print...

Lardy's power can summon any level of bureaucracy to shut down, delay or give massive fines to any super foe!

Next:

Lunatic Fringe

Lardy can make someone's hair fall out leaving only a Picard-like fringe, but only if they are what society would deem 'cuckoo for crazy puffs.'

Next:
Seven Nation Army

Lardy can split into seven beings, with each one representing a different Earth nation. Together they are the most effective fighting squad on earth, using the power of diversity and cooperation!


Next:

Breakfast of Champions

What do Black Widow and Hercules have to eat in the morning? How can it be prepared at such short notice?
Enter chef Lardy, conjouring, creative chef of super hero teams, including The Champions!

Next
Twitter Storm

Lardy’s tweets. Can conjure up weather phenomena. Donald trump and Elon Musk wish they could do what Lardy does

Next

Delayed Trains

Lardy once wished for the power to 'run faster than a speeding locomotive!' but the genie was particularly pissy (he was in the middle of a hot stone massage when Lardy rubbed the lamp) and instead gave him the power to slow trains to a crawl, so that jogging at his normal pace he could easily 'run faster' than them!

Next
Flambeed Brains

Lardy can "super heat" someone else's brain, temporarily boosting their brain power... but only for a minute. Any longer, and their brains explode from the heat! nasty smell, too.

Next:

Snooze the Alarm

The Earth is finally at Peace!
Well, as far as anyone can tell.
Whatever the crisis, whatever the disaster or panic. Lardy's Snooze the Alarm power prevents anyone outside of those directly affected, ever finding out about it.

Next:

Tourist Trap

Lardy can summon mobs of tourists to chase his prey down

Next:

TikTok Dance

Swiss hero 'Lectrical Lardy appears twice a day, using his mechanical dance steps to fight crime!

Next: National Monument

a la Fortress Lad, Lardy can transform into the National Monument any time , any where!

tragically, he first discovered this power while sitting in a McDonald's...


next:

My Cup Runneth Over

Lardy McLardy of the clan McLardy reveals to the world, the success of his restaurant empire: The Cauldron of Plenty of the Tuatha de Danaan. McLardy also reveals that the Cauldron is also behind the All you can drink nights at his pub chains. Slàinte Mhath!

Next:
AI