Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION The Anywhere Machine Things Women should know...from a guy!

This is a little thing that I have noticed, and so has some of my friends.

Women...empire waist shirts and dresses make you look pregnant. Sorry. Its true. Yes, they enhance the boobular area nicely, but they make us believe its because the pregnancy fairy has been vary nice to you.

And before any of you think I am a dirty old man (I am, by the way), this came about because I was asking my wife if an actress on TV was pregnant. I was not hitting on a woman to find out. I did, however, when I was younger, make the mistake of asking a woman when she was due...all because of the shirt.

I don't want to sound chauvinistic, rick, but did you know what an empire waist was or did your wife have to tell you?

Maybe some women want to look pregnant. I don't know. It's a lot easier than actually being pregnant.

chuckle

I'm too old to look pregnant, I think, so I just look plump, which I am.

I like empire waisted gowns because they're comfortable AND pretty.
sorry

I don't wear the empire BLOUSES because I think that they DO make me look pregnant, too old or not.

I freely admit that my wife told me what they are called. I asked her about it after the third time or so I put my foot in my mouth.

Basically what I was saying was that its a style of clothing that us big dumb bubba's think means one thing when it doesn't actually have to mean that. So, when one of us does say something like that, and its obviously a mistake and not some @hole being a smartass, take pity on us rather than letting your temper hit 73 on the rictor scale.

What I know about fashion, male or female, fits onto the head of a very small pin, with no room for angels of any kind. I know even less about Hoit Cutchu.

I thought I was the only one who thought that!

I've never even heard the words "empire waist shirts" before this thread, but I know exactly what rick is talking about! First time I ever saw one was on American Idol a few years ago being worn by contestant Katherine McPhee, I think her name is. And I was asking myself, "that girl's pregnant?!?!"

Since then, I realized it's a fashion. My wife even wears one or two every once in a while. Still looks too much like a maternity blouse if ya ask me...

Things women should know: men generally will always take the dog for a walk if you ask nicely, no matter what time of day. But we usually won't volunteer.

Um, rickshaw, this is something both women and men oughta've been learned by our own folks looooonnnng ago. I'm talking single-digit-age long ago.

You do not want to guess on the subject of a woman being pregnant. Or not. No matter what she's wearing. You. Just. Don't.

Women can be just as bad on this as men, actually. I think we're supposed to have some "innate female sense" that can help us divine this sort of thing. Trust me. We ain't got it. John Gray lied about that and pretty much everything else, too.

Well, it used to be that there were certain things you didn't talk about, sex, politics, and religion.

Religion has devolved into a bunch of extremists on either side picking and choosing to make themselves happy and everyone else miserable.

Politics-jokers to the left of me, liars to the right, here I am stuck in the middle...with a gun to my head, gators eating my feet, and suffocating in the accumulated BS of decades of lying liars and the hypocrites that point it out.

Sex...well, its good that some things have become okay to talk about. But other things, like what some 19 year old starlet thinks about some fantastic new thing that no one else had ever heard of and that they will lead us into the promised land over....no. sorry. Everything you think is new in sex was ancient in sex centuries before you were born.

But, there are some things that manners and grace have fallen on the wayside by. And that kind of fashion, confus'n ta us Bubba's...can make fer some baaaaaad hapn'ins. I still don't wanna know the inner secrets of women's private lives. 'Taint nunna'my business. I jess sayin...if'n ya gonna dress like yer pregnant, don't be shocked when guys with the fashion sense of a log think ya are.

And, Cobie's absolutely right. We hadda a deal, the missus and I. I get the yard, she gets the house. I violate that deal frequently and help clean up the house. but some things, and you can be dang sure of this, I will not volunteer for. Ever. This does not make me bad. It makes me male.

We each have our roles. I kill spiders (ef u peta on this. I kill things that ain't supposed to be livin' in my home and are), I kill the snakes, I defend the family and house with a baseball bat, Ghurka Knife, sword, pistol, rifle, or shotgun as needed. If we had gutters, I would be cleaning them out.

I paint. hell, I'll even mop in an emergency. But I ain't volunteering to clean out the toilets or wash poopy drawers when the kid has an accident. those are guy facts. You women folk should know this. I don't ask you to clean out the septic lines when they are clogged. Don't ask me to know how to seperate, fluff and fold.

More things a woman should know about men- We will take the car and get it serviced, or service it ourselves when it is needed. But we ain't gonna wade through three months of Cosmo, Ms., Mrs., Non-Gender specific person, Better Homes and Gardens and Ideas for a honeydo list, etc... to find out when the last service date was. Its your car. You are adults. Keep track of yer service date and mileage and TELL US WHEN IT IS DUE! We will do the rest. Its a small curtesy, but one we appreciate.

Also, when we take the car to get it service we will either (a) have realized what the problem was (true about 11.25% of the time) or (b) pretend we realized what the problem was (the remaining 88.75% of the time). But we'll never admit it either way for the length of our lives. Even when joking. Even years later. Even here on a message board.

I'll grant you, my town is teeming with hippies. The hippies that used to live downstairs from me had a deal with their infant called "Don't Pass The Baby." IOW, if you were holding the kid when she needed changing, you were the one who had to change her.

I last saw the kid in question when she was about fourteen years old, and the system doesn't seem to have done her any harm in relation to either parent.

What the hell is an empire waist shirt? Pic example, anyone? I may want one of the Excellents to show up in one--

Jeepers!! Check THIS fatty out!!

Nah, more like this:

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41zwassnSRL._SexywomenBlouses_.jpg

Jenkies, I thought that would post the actual pic, not a link. I ain't never gunna figger out this here technilogie thang.

Dude! That chick's pregnant!

lol!

The term comes from the Edwardian era dresses, I think.

If you wife or girlfriend or mother has ver made you watch a movie or BBC series by Jane Austin, (Sense And Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, etc.) that's the time period and they're still popular from time to time.

It was a very freeing time for women, no bustles or hoops or girdles or things like that.

Anyway, the look was NEVER ment for blouses, imo, UNLESS one is pregnant, so if a guy assumes that when he sees a woman in one, she's fair game, as far as I can tell.

My husband is a pretty good guy and will help in every way that he can (he'll even cook eggs and hamburgers (but that's it), and I help with the garden, lawn and car, too.

But keep posting, guys, you're all giving me lots to think about!

Women, do not ask us if a particular outfit makes you look "fat". First, there is no correct answer for us. You already know if it does or not. If we say yes, your feelings are hurt. Weight really seems to prey on your minds. Our saying yes is a confirmation of what you already think, and will needlessly hurt your feelings. Second, If we say no, they you will think we are liars, don't want to say that yes you are fat, and/or we are cowards. Given a choice, we will always say "no" because, believe it or not, dispite what mags and hellywood would have you believe, most guys are not into hurting the feelings of one we love. It is one of the "impossible questions".

From my observations, and those of my wife, believe it or not, as a woman ages she needs a little more weight on her. I'm not saying she should be obese, just that as a woman ages, a little weight keeps her from looking gaunt and stringy. Very few guys want that. Adolescent's that have never grown up despite their years, yes...men, no.

And last, if you want to know if we think you are attractive and sexy, be confident. Don't always expect us to be able to read your moods. Sometimes, we have things on our minds that are distracting us from noticing any woman, including you. Once, while distracted by outside pressures (read: work) I did not notice that my wife was flirting with me in a very subdued manner. Subtle things that I honestly might or might not have picked up on were guaranteed that I wouldn't because of something that had nothing to do with her. After a discussion, I told her to use the two by four method. Take said 2 x 4, apply to cranium of male. Problem solved.

I realize that you may not always want to take that method, that you yourself may need some reassurance and the subtle route is the method you choose. Just be aware that it is a method that may be doomed to failure at particular times and has absolutely nothing to do with you.

*Note: the above applies to normal situations. IF you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, and they are indeed having an affair, these situations are not meant to apply. In that case, said spouse is a jerk and deserves no compassion.

Chick Flicks- Women, know this. Accept this. Take it onto your heart and believe in it as a certitude like no other.

Men do not like chick flicks. It is literally a man repellant. If you want us to leave the room, put on any searing emotional story of loss and/or love with some kind of compelling backdrop.

My wife and I just had a nice sunday morning breakfast. The boy is at his grandmothers, the day is overcast and cloudy. The (*&&%*()*^%$#@ state paper did not include a funny pages section. But, it is a nice, easy morning. My wife then proceeds to put on The Women. I leave the room.

Women...WE ARE NOT THAT DEEP! For us, seering emotional loss is when South Carolina losses to Georgio when it should have won! Pretty boys that bare their souls only happen in romantic movies and books.

And if you attempt to force depth on us, our brain goes into a self preserving shut down mode, not unlike your computer. We have very basic motivations. I'm sorry, I know you don't want to believe it, but its true. The most basic if you must know.

This is not to say that we do not have some higher emotions. We do. But they are much easier to understand if you know that they all stem from the same place. And no, I'm not talking about the groin area.

It’s true, there are some John Tesh and Yanni types out there. Those are male oddities. We scratch, belch, spit, pee outside...we are men. You can continue to force us to watch those movie, and we will. Just understand that the entirety of male achievement has been for female achievement. Once we achieve female, either in marriage or stable living together environment, the mating game changes. We don't fluff our feathers as much. We don't flash our red posterior as much. We don't bring the gaudiest string for the nest as much.

And truth be told, neither do you.

So, if you really want two hours to yourself, put on The Women, or Titanic, or Joan of Arc, or any movie about Queen Elizabeth the first, and you got it. But when we go out to the garage or the storage shed, when we throw on our cleats and go play golf, don't get mad about it. You just did the same thing.

Women, know this---guys burn out quicker. At forty, you women are hitting peaks. Your creative juices are at their highest. At forty, you are the best that you are.

Men at forty---we start rationing energy. The one thing we could always count on, our bodies, pick this time to disappoint us in many more ways. We cant throw that football as far as we used to. We cant do the physical things we used to do. Instead of picking up the riding mower, throwing it in the back of the pickup and going, we use ramps to drive it up. We use a vacuum cleaner to pick that piece of paper up instead of bending over or squating because our backs and knees are shot.

This is all due to the fact that as young men, we burn up our capital. We use it to woo, we use it to get ahead in business and careers...we just use it. When we play, we play like there is no tomorrow because we are young, invincible, and stupid.

Most of you do not do that. When puberty hits you, you get more pronounced changes. Don't get me wrong, we as men like those changes...for the most part. But women tend to be much more respectful of and care more for the products of those changes.

A woman runs into a wall, and she starts figuring out ways to go around, or over with the aid of something else. Guys run into a wall, get stymied, and then lower their heads and charge full tilt. it may not make sense, it may not be logical, but its real. We are slaves to our biologics as much as some women are to the "wanna baby" drives.

We are men. We are hairy, blunt spoken (for the most part), rude, crude and obnoxious at times. We are the older brothers that teased you and picked on you. We are also the older brothers that went and collected you after you call when some other jerk has left you on a date, or got out of hand and you didn't like it. We are the dads that clean our guns in front of your date. And while you may think those things silly, or scoff at them...remember, they are silly to you because you are female, but we are not, and they are not. We may work the same jobs, get paid pretty much the same (not completely yet, but its coming I have to believe), etc...but we are men in a man's society as you are women in a woman's society.

You don't have to understand these things that I have told you. But for happiness, you must believe.

Candle, my interior cooking skills include anything that can be opened, stuck in a microwave, and be ready in five to ten minutes. And popcorn.

But, outside, with FIRE...ah, then I beat my manly chest, burn things until they are tasty, and let the wife make all the froo froo things to eat in the kitchen. Grunt! Snort!

Women, know this...as a man, when forced to shop, I die a little inside.

If you ask me what I want for supper, I will ask you what we have so that I know what my options are. This is not done because I cannot choose. I want to know what my choices are so that I can make up my mind. To get frustrated when I reply "wadda we have?" makes no sense to us. What good would it be for me to tell you I want hotdogs if we have none in the house? We are not trying your patience deliberately. Give me a choice and I will tell you my preference.

Also, please understand that daily we make choices that matter. We prioritize. We maximize our time if possible and minimize the efforts involved in work. When being in the truck and turning left or turning right makes a difference in your income for the week, matters such as whats for supper simply don't carry much weight with us. That is not to diminish the importance of what you do if you are the cook in the family. It merely means that we have faith in you and trust your judgement. Because, at that time of day, honestly, we are in energy conservatin mode. Thinking hurts our brains.

Women- you have magical purses! Its true. In one ordinary handbag you can pack a smaller purse, hairbrush, breath freshener, gum, paper towels, toilet tissue, car keys, lunch for three, a cuisinart, feminine products, a lamp post, the childrens homework, the clutch on a '93 Impala, seventeen photoalbums of your grandkids, three different dresses and the appropriate footwear, and a partridge with the pear tree.

We are guys. We don't wear jewelry if we can help it...except for big Tony over in 'jersey. Over the years I have divested myself of a watch, high school rings, various other items as well. My wallet is for 1) drivers license, 2) bank cards and appropriate banking identification cards 3)cash money, 4) insurance cards, and 5) one movie club membership from around '96. The simpler the better as far as 80% of men are concerned (percentage amounts completely based on what was removed from hindbrain and are subject to actual correct figures at any point in time.

I do not keep a mini picture book in my wallet. it is worn on the posterior in a pocket and as such becomes uncomfortable over the years pressing on the same nerves over and over. We are men, we are minimalists. If you want proof, ask your husband if he prefers a granny nightgown or your birthday suit. Asking to see pics of my kid will net you nothing. Its not that I don't love him and my wife, its that I don't want their presence to be associated any more than possible with pains in the posterior. (understand that I say this knowing full well that at times I am a pain in theirs as well.

Women- that one toilet in the house that no one but we use...is ours. You get the rest of the house. WE don't get the den, its shared at best. The kitchen is yours. The patio is yours. The bedroom we both sleep in is covered in pastel flower prints or painted walls with pictures of adorable and cute people we have never met. But that one bathroom with a small shower and sink is ours. it doesn't have three hundred and twenty seven items scattered about all over the counter top. It does not have a box of pads in the corner under a discarded bra.

What it has is soothing colors on the wall. It has reading materials that involve sports, automobiles, handyman stuff, the occasional book on hunting or fishing, and one allowed oddity, like a novel or a magazine used to buy something, like motorcycles, tractors, or boats.

It does not have flowery curtains, or them half curtain things that don't really hide anything but are annoying as heck. It does not have loofahs, toenail paint of any kind on the counter, or thing to add to the bathwater. Attempts to inject these items into our one space in the house will result in us being grumpy, unhappy, and will ensure that the honeydo list that you have for us is lost and the clubs are thrown in the truck and we disappear for five or six hours to play.

consider the toilet as our bathroom/happy place. Leave us alone, let us do our business, and all is right with the world. Bother us, and we call our mother over for a visit. *yes, that works both ways.