Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION The Anywhere Machine Things Women should know...from a guy!

These topics, along with girly mags (for straight guys), seem to be universal.

I did recreation for an institution for years and I gave a stack of magazines to a teenage guy in a wheelchair, hoping he'd find something of interest that we could build a rec program on for him. He couldn't talk and spent most of his time drooling, sitting in a corner and yelling.

But he brought me some of the pictures that he'd ripped out of the magazines.
They were pictures of hunting rifles, sports figures, military ads, girls, cars, fisherman, etc..

Guys are just pretty much guys.

Women...Men are not fairys. Nor are they imps, or chipmunks, or otter, or muskrat, or bears, or hawks, or fieldmice.

In other words, we do not live in a forest glade. In all honesty, we really don't know exactly what the hell a glade is.

We like things to smell fresh because they are ...fresh. We cannot take having sixteen different po puree smells in one home competing with the smells of cooking, the laundry being lemon fresh as opposed to being glade fresh...

Please, for the lovaa our sinus' sake, PICK ONE AND FALL IN LOVE WITH IT!

Women...men hate going to the dentist. I know this because I am a guy, and I hate going to the dentist.

I just had a tooth pulled. It was rotted and decayed, nasty and made me feel irritable and cranky most of the time because it continually cut into my cheek. And it feels so good to have it out that it makes up for the 5 shots in my mouth to deaden the thing enough to make the dentist happy. I will be in a foul mood for three days for several reasons: a) sore mouth and missing food I love because of it, b) I cannot smoke for a day, and I love my cigars, c) frankly, being in a foul mood and trying to contain it rather than blast every living being on the planet that annoys me over the next three days will be exhausting and d) I gotta go back to the guy and pay him even more money to hurt me...and I ain't into S & M!

As a guy, when we tell you we are in a foul mood, and it will take three days to get over it, and there are reasons why...believe us and leave us...alone that is...for those days. Just let us be. Dont' try to cheer us up, for god's sake don't get all perky and mothery. We will accept physical affection because...well, we're guys. We will appreciate it...but it won't change the essential grumpyness that will be the three days.

Give us these days our daily grumpyness, and forgive us for our @$$holieness, as we do not run over random pedestrians and avoid temptation.

Women- When you find a recipe that we like...avoid temptation....don't change it! I don't wanna know how different it would taste with sun dried tomato's, or hellman's instead of Dukes. Don't change it.

Make something completely new and different if you want to, but when you tell us supper is ...bacon sandwiches and macaroni and cheese, we believe you. Our taste buds believe you and start having a party in anticipation. To suddenly throw a tofu burger in front of us, or a turkey burger instead of a good old ground beef burger...it's cruel and usual punishment.

Ma would tell you, it ain't about you. Well that is, she tells me that no matter how much I try to convince her otherwise.

True, everything ain't about us. However...my wife claimed the kitchen when we got together, and I accepted her wishes on the provisio that good food is good food. When she makes a recepie that I like, it is understood...make it that way. I don't suddenly wash her car with mud, she doesn't change the recipe on the things I love.

Your momma might tell you it ain't about you, but ask her about the way to a man's heart and the importance of the stomach.

Quick poll: Guys and Girls. Is it Gay that I guessed that this was a BCBG Max Azria dress before I clicked on it?

On this board, is Gay the fashion, or is it more a state of mind?



For that matter, am I the least womanly woman in the universe because I had to think for several minutes before I realized that "light blue" typeface on this board is called "aqua"?

Ladies: when we do not know your size, it is not a slight.

Most men don't know their own clothing size, save 'Medium'. The day you can walk into a menswear store and tell the man what suit I need and the alterations they need to finish it properly is the day I will walk into BCBGMaxAzria and pick out a dress in colour, fabric and size that you desire. Said dress will accentuate your figure while masking what you think your deficiencies are.

But again this will happen when you can choose a my favorite suit fabric from the sample book and choose a tie that is not ugly.

You forgot some things: Her man's cell phone, his chequebook, his iPod, his housekeys, all his passports and documents he needs when he goes to the lawyer's office later on and any grooming products he needs. Also the Garmin GPS for when he gets lost, he claims he bought it for you but he's the one that needs directions all the time.

Since I married my husband, I usually 'help' pick out his clothes (not his jeans, T's, socks, shoes and undies, he does most of that), although I try to go with takes on his favorites (I get him cottons, linens and their blends, and silks) 'cause I just don't like polyesters.
Oregonians wear wool/alpacca sweaters and suits, flannel, fleece and socks with their sandles in the winter, too!


And rick, you're about the malest guy I can recall finding out about, here or anywhere else!
You make Clooney seem a little fem!
Yoowser!

Women: we'd do just about anything you need done around the house for a back massage. I'm not kidding. A regular back-scratch will get the yard looking beautiful.

Women, read what Cobie just said. Take it to heart. And then, take it to our backs and heads...The scratchgasm you give us will be repayed in so many different ways! Move that 300lb desk set your momma gave us that takes up space and annoys the heck outta me? Whats that...you are scratching my back?...Hell yeah, I'll pick it up and tote it outside if you want me to.

Clean out the continuous gutters right where the power line ties to the pole for the house while standing on a metal ladder? You are scratching my head..? Done, Baby! Murder yer a-hole boss for making a pass at you? Back and legs scratched...no problem!

We men are very simple.

And Candle...thanks, I think.!?

I did. She asked, if my wife, who has given me the gift of a meal, made a meal I didn't like, would I love her any less? Would I wash her car in mud?

She asked, if my wife, who has given me a gift of a meal, was complimented by me on that meal, would she be likely to make that meal as best she could, next time and forever?

She asked, if my wife, who has given me a gift of a meal, changed that meal, would it have been for any other reason than she was trying to please me all the more?

She asked, if my wife, who has given me a gift of a meal, changed that meal and I gagged and put my finger in my throat and screamed and hollered (my usual approach I admit, so as to not come off high minded), would I be wise to hide all poisons in the house?


She asked, if my wife changed the recipe somewhat of my favorite meal and I mentioned I prefered it the other way, take umbrage, be so hurt as to never ever again make me a meal or would she probably just go back to making it the other way?

My motto, never piss off too much someone you plan on sleeping next to.

Live Dangerously!

Women, if a guy doesn't call you right back it doesn't mean that he's avoiding you it means that he really might be busy and will get back to you as soon as he can.

Women, if after seven years of marriage your husband still likes to see you naked when you change clothes, don't be annoyed by it. seriously.

The scratching part is absolutely right on.
He loves the foot rubs, too!

Company expects us to have our hand down our pants while we watch tv so don't be embarrassed.

Okay...I asked my wife a simple question..."what would you, as a woman, like me, as a man, to answer a question on. What one little thing men do bugs you as a woman and you've never hand an answer for?"

Dangerous, I know, but I live on the edge, baby!

so, her first response was "Do you really think there's anyway for me to answer that without making you mad?"

My response was profound, deep and learned.

"Sure."

So, after hemming and hawing for a moment or two, she says...

"Why are men so self centered? Everythings about you you you!"

I immediately went beserk, killed the cat, shot down a sputnik, and molested a bike. Once over that, i said "Thats really general. Can you be a little more specific?"

"Okay, remember the arguement we had at the movie store about chickflicks?"

"No."

"See, right there! Women think about others, men think about themselves. Women work as a group. buzz buzz buzzzzzzz stop cleaning your fingernails and listen to me, Rick!"

"Hnh?"

"WWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" as spittle flew from her mouth and a murderous look clouded her eyes.

"Oh. Well. From the time we can let go of the breast and start eating charred carcass we are taught to stand on our own. To be...A MAN! We like football and baseball, but deep down, in our heart of hearts..we think team sports are for wussies. A REAL MAN doesn't slap another guy on the ass. He spits and scratches (sorry ladies, its true we do, and that wont change. Believe it or not, its that part of us, the male barbarian, that deep down you really like. If not, you'd be gay. Nothing wrong with that if thats what you want, but since you are straight and go for men, thats part of the package) and pees in the woods.

And as such, we have a limit to what we can watch without our gag reflex being triggered. We see guys like the male doctor from Grey's anatomy...the patrick guy, and think to ourselves "He annoys me. ten minutes in his sappy company and I'd bitchslap him into next week and tell him to grow a pair."

I myself cannot watch certain things. For instance, you can put on the most innocuous sitcom, but if it involves a character making a fool of themselves and knowing better but digging the hole deeper and deeper, I cannot watch. I'm not into humiliation. I don't find it enjoyable or funny.

However, before you think we are complete cro-magnons remember this. I could have bought some slaughter fest pic with a bunch of naked big boobed chicks running around as some adolescent fantasy. Instead, I bought you "He's just not that into you". I tried to watch it with you. But five minutes in, the girl is desperately trying to catch some guy at a bar and humiliating herself. Gag reflex engaged. Movie over for me.

Yes, we most likely are self centered. But ask yourself, when you tell us that we are not romantic enough, that we dont' do anything to show you that we love you...why aren't you picking up on the little things we do each and every day. They may not come with roses and flowery prose, but when we give up...say watching a game that we have been looking forward two for the season to take you and the kid around to the park, or to the book store...those are the things that really show what we think.

Big gestures are for wooing. When we marry, we show you that we love you.

Women...when a guy that loves you has picked and teased you to the point you want to scream in frustration, hit him with something and wail like a banshee...don't ask him why.

It's foreplay.

you know the last guy that did that to me i stabed him

Live Dangerously.

Well, you know what I think about the spitting, rick-cro.

*Snorts, thumps chest, paws ground with foot*

Hmph. Shur do. 'Scuse me, gotta go kill a mastodon for breakfast while smokin' a cigar and using a rattlesnake for a lasso.



Candle, and the rest of you ladies...don't pretend that you don't enjoy the rougher side of men from time to time. Don't try to tell us that you haven't done the "will big strong hubby lift and move the oh so heavy couch for little ole' me?" routine. Even when its a joke between hubby and wife it works. Our egos are as susceptible to flattery as yours is, and ya'll know how to use it, just like we do.

When we get older, most of us just Peacock a lot less. We like it when you get all girly, and ya'll like it when we get all cro-magnon...when its appropriate.

god, momma nature, what ever you want to call it make women more social so that a group could accomplish what one woman might not. God, Momma Nature, whatever you want to call it gave men a stubborn streak big enough to have us climb that mountain, cross that river, and nut the bull by ourselves. Its not much difference, but...Vive la Differance!