Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION The Anywhere Machine Things Women should know...from a guy!

Cro-w all you want, 'young un'.

The girly-guyy stuff is fine.

But if your spittin', I ain't kissen until you brush your teeth and gargle and wash your face and lips with hot, soapy water.

In my case, that would include smoking anything, too.
But, that's okay, Chuck doesn't spit or smoke.
And he's pretty much a man's 'man' for the most part.

Every man is a man in his own right, his own time, and his own way. Im not one of those guys that gets all bent out of shape if some other guys has manscaping done. I figure his life is his life.

I learned a long time ago, everything is just a way to be. Be a timber man, be a biker, be a office manager, be a drag queen. Its all just a way to get from one end of life to the other with the least possible aggravation.

I could no more handle being stuck in a office for 10 hours a day anymore than some other guy could stand to step into some workboots, throw on some gear, and run property lines through the swamp in 3 feet of water. As I get older, I'm much better working by myself. I don't argue as much with my coworker that way.

Chuck, too.
But it doesn't help me a bit.
I argue either way.
sigh

You only have to worry when you start to lose those arguements. I haven't lost one with myself yet.

Note* I did not write these, but some of them are true, and some of them not so much. I'll leave it up to you to decide which is which, unless you follow one of the rules and ask.


These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping

By the way, my wife loved these. She wants to adopt one or two of them for women in general as well.

I told her 'no'.

She hit me.

She wins.

This thread needs a bump... jus' cause.

Women- It is perfectly okay and acceptable, even preferred, that when you leave the house, you stop at the door and think to yourself "Do I have everything I am supposed to have for this excursion into the exterior world."

When you call and tell us "Honey, I left my wallet..." or "honey, I forgot to fill up the gas tank and ran out...." or "Honey, I forgot to pick up...." we, as men, will go and fetch, take to you, help you out any way we can. We are your man and we love you.

But, when the price of gas is so high and we have driven thirty miles in the opposite direction from where you are, and it will take us some time and serious gas money, we may become irritable. We are not saying that we never do the same thing, just that you unerring timing and it is always at the worst possible time, and at the most cost.

Please, do not at this time decide to quiz us on your weight, chick flicks, clothes, whether we find your "best" friend attractive, etc... Just a small note of caution for the advancement of love and and groovy feelings from the Manstitute.

Women, when there is only room for one in the recovery room after minor surgery on our child, we will let you be that one because we know you get freaky bout yer cub. It doesn't not in any way indicate that we love our kid less.

Women, there is almost no "subtext" to men's statements. When we say something along the line of "I like that dress." it means, we like the dress. It doesn't mean "I secretly think that dress makes you look lumpy."

Hookay... this one will likely get me some flak, but, this is an honest thread, I'll try to be as tactful as possible.

Women, if you are unhappy with with your body... do something about it. I don't care what it is, but do something.

This ties into the "does this make me look fat" but is a subset of its own.

Whether its a butt you don't like, weight you are carrying, hair color, big shnoz, whatever, just do what you can about it.

Here's a news flash, ladies. Complaining to us all the time that theres something about your body you don't like will draw attention to something that we either don't care about, don't think about, or don't mind because we love you. You don't have to be perfect to retain us if you want... cause we damn sure aren't. My arms are in the worst shape of my life because I am trying to heal a bad elbow. I know my arms aren't what they were. I'll take care of it when the elbow heals. Best I can do in this situation.

I personally am NOT a fan of plastic surgery unless its needed. A nose thats broken is not the same thing as having a perfectly fine nose, but wanting that button nose that movie star X has.

But really, do something. It may never look like you want, the butt may be big, the boobs may sag a little after kids, the underarms may be a little loose... We don't care. We love ya.

But stop using us as the soundboard for what makes you unhappy. Its not the physical aspect of that that turns us off. I wouldn't put up for one skinny minute someone ragging on my wife, my friend, my sister, my mother by anyone else, what makes you think I will just because the person doing the raging is YOU?

Our hair recedes. Our love handles grown. Our feet and hands grown. We get nose and ear hair. Ain't no body perfect.

Biggest turn on in a woman for most men... confidence. And if you don't have it, fake it. You know that ratty old shirt we love to wear because its comfortable that you hate, well, think about that ratty old robe you wear. Worn out by the kids? So are we. Tired from work? So are we. Want us to make an effort? Us too.

Basically, please quit beating yourselves up because you don't look like a blowdried, made up, photoshopped hollywood princess. If we wanted that much phony, we'd get a blowup doll. We married/date/live in sin with you. We picked you. You picked us.

This needs to be a book.

It already was, multiple times. The Surrendered Rules Of The Men Who Don't Eat Quiche & Their Twilit Wives From Venus.

Not to mention most of the history of stand-up & nearly every Sunday funny & sitcom.

Pass.

Also timely: this is THE long weekend where I get a turn (wo)manning the grill, and no one's gonna' stop me.

True, I can only down fake beer while spraying the ribs, not real beer. But too bad.

Life is too short to get stuck in the thinking of the last century.

I told mr_cleome he should learn to make pie. He can start with a frozen piecrust, which most people do anyway.

Grill things my wife learned from me (about me, not life in general): I love, love, love steak...but 90% of the time, I like pork chops just as much and they're cheaper. Actually, grilling is a spousal event in my house: I do all the grilling but most importantly, we stand next to the grill and drink together the whole time. This is especially fun in winter.

Meanwhile, I don't make pie but I make an excellent pepperoni bread and excellent zucchini bread. We don't stand around the stove and drink for these, but it just occurs to me that there is no reason we can't!

ZOMFG, Cobie! Pepperoni (or sausage) bread was a delicacy from my East Coast youth that I haven't thought of in decades! Mom would bring it home from her forays to Little Italy in NYC, or from one of the produce guys she knew a few towns away-- when she was buying stuff for her business.

I made us some lamb Kofta kebabs on Friday. A few of them were a bit underdone in the middle, and some wooden skewers were sacrificed despite my careful preliminary soaking. But, overall, a good Intermediate effort, I think. (Cooks who don't care for lamb can substitute beef, so long as it's not too lean. Dark meat turkey would probably work, too.)

I've never been a fan of lamb, (especially the Irish ways of making it) but I actually love lamb kofta (and especially kebabs). Mm. It's one of the few ways I love lamb. The whole Turk / Greek / East Mediterranean ways of making lamb are fantastic.

And yes, my pepperoni bread is fantastic . It's an old Italian recipe and I like to dice up the pepperoni into little cubes so no one piece is too dominate in any one bite.

That's the only way to go.

I guess straight women could benefit from hearing what straight men want in bed. But this goes both ways. better sex, yay!

I used to be on one of those proudly "politically incorrect" boards where, uh... let's just say that when it came to advice about sex, a lot of hetero dudes could dish it out but they couldn't take it. [ahem] I don't miss that board very much.

Sigh, toxic masculinity.

It's not good. And most of the women on that board bought into it, too. Like if some thoroughly uninteresting, untalented male celebrity like Kid Rock was dating, they'd all hurl insults at the woman, whoever she was. For basically no reason other than the fact that he was their dream guy and how dare any mere woman presume to get near him. [rolleyes]

Which is funny because it's pretty straightforward: Take Direction. Take direction until she gets where she's going, then take your turn.

Yeah, sex should be about mutually meeting needs and wants. Communicate instead of guessing!



The anonymity of the Internet tends to embolden the worst people...