Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION The Anywhere Machine Things Women should know...from a guy!

This is a little thing that I have noticed, and so has some of my friends.

Women...empire waist shirts and dresses make you look pregnant. Sorry. Its true. Yes, they enhance the boobular area nicely, but they make us believe its because the pregnancy fairy has been vary nice to you.

And before any of you think I am a dirty old man (I am, by the way), this came about because I was asking my wife if an actress on TV was pregnant. I was not hitting on a woman to find out. I did, however, when I was younger, make the mistake of asking a woman when she was due...all because of the shirt.

I don't want to sound chauvinistic, rick, but did you know what an empire waist was or did your wife have to tell you?

Maybe some women want to look pregnant. I don't know. It's a lot easier than actually being pregnant.

chuckle

I'm too old to look pregnant, I think, so I just look plump, which I am.

I like empire waisted gowns because they're comfortable AND pretty.
sorry

I don't wear the empire BLOUSES because I think that they DO make me look pregnant, too old or not.

I freely admit that my wife told me what they are called. I asked her about it after the third time or so I put my foot in my mouth.

Basically what I was saying was that its a style of clothing that us big dumb bubba's think means one thing when it doesn't actually have to mean that. So, when one of us does say something like that, and its obviously a mistake and not some @hole being a smartass, take pity on us rather than letting your temper hit 73 on the rictor scale.

What I know about fashion, male or female, fits onto the head of a very small pin, with no room for angels of any kind. I know even less about Hoit Cutchu.

I thought I was the only one who thought that!

I've never even heard the words "empire waist shirts" before this thread, but I know exactly what rick is talking about! First time I ever saw one was on American Idol a few years ago being worn by contestant Katherine McPhee, I think her name is. And I was asking myself, "that girl's pregnant?!?!"

Since then, I realized it's a fashion. My wife even wears one or two every once in a while. Still looks too much like a maternity blouse if ya ask me...

Things women should know: men generally will always take the dog for a walk if you ask nicely, no matter what time of day. But we usually won't volunteer.

Um, rickshaw, this is something both women and men oughta've been learned by our own folks looooonnnng ago. I'm talking single-digit-age long ago.

You do not want to guess on the subject of a woman being pregnant. Or not. No matter what she's wearing. You. Just. Don't.

Women can be just as bad on this as men, actually. I think we're supposed to have some "innate female sense" that can help us divine this sort of thing. Trust me. We ain't got it. John Gray lied about that and pretty much everything else, too.

Well, it used to be that there were certain things you didn't talk about, sex, politics, and religion.

Religion has devolved into a bunch of extremists on either side picking and choosing to make themselves happy and everyone else miserable.

Politics-jokers to the left of me, liars to the right, here I am stuck in the middle...with a gun to my head, gators eating my feet, and suffocating in the accumulated BS of decades of lying liars and the hypocrites that point it out.

Sex...well, its good that some things have become okay to talk about. But other things, like what some 19 year old starlet thinks about some fantastic new thing that no one else had ever heard of and that they will lead us into the promised land over....no. sorry. Everything you think is new in sex was ancient in sex centuries before you were born.

But, there are some things that manners and grace have fallen on the wayside by. And that kind of fashion, confus'n ta us Bubba's...can make fer some baaaaaad hapn'ins. I still don't wanna know the inner secrets of women's private lives. 'Taint nunna'my business. I jess sayin...if'n ya gonna dress like yer pregnant, don't be shocked when guys with the fashion sense of a log think ya are.

And, Cobie's absolutely right. We hadda a deal, the missus and I. I get the yard, she gets the house. I violate that deal frequently and help clean up the house. but some things, and you can be dang sure of this, I will not volunteer for. Ever. This does not make me bad. It makes me male.

We each have our roles. I kill spiders (ef u peta on this. I kill things that ain't supposed to be livin' in my home and are), I kill the snakes, I defend the family and house with a baseball bat, Ghurka Knife, sword, pistol, rifle, or shotgun as needed. If we had gutters, I would be cleaning them out.

I paint. hell, I'll even mop in an emergency. But I ain't volunteering to clean out the toilets or wash poopy drawers when the kid has an accident. those are guy facts. You women folk should know this. I don't ask you to clean out the septic lines when they are clogged. Don't ask me to know how to seperate, fluff and fold.

More things a woman should know about men- We will take the car and get it serviced, or service it ourselves when it is needed. But we ain't gonna wade through three months of Cosmo, Ms., Mrs., Non-Gender specific person, Better Homes and Gardens and Ideas for a honeydo list, etc... to find out when the last service date was. Its your car. You are adults. Keep track of yer service date and mileage and TELL US WHEN IT IS DUE! We will do the rest. Its a small curtesy, but one we appreciate.

Also, when we take the car to get it service we will either (a) have realized what the problem was (true about 11.25% of the time) or (b) pretend we realized what the problem was (the remaining 88.75% of the time). But we'll never admit it either way for the length of our lives. Even when joking. Even years later. Even here on a message board.

I'll grant you, my town is teeming with hippies. The hippies that used to live downstairs from me had a deal with their infant called "Don't Pass The Baby." IOW, if you were holding the kid when she needed changing, you were the one who had to change her.

I last saw the kid in question when she was about fourteen years old, and the system doesn't seem to have done her any harm in relation to either parent.

What the hell is an empire waist shirt? Pic example, anyone? I may want one of the Excellents to show up in one--

Jeepers!! Check THIS fatty out!!

Nah, more like this:

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41zwassnSRL._SexywomenBlouses_.jpg

Jenkies, I thought that would post the actual pic, not a link. I ain't never gunna figger out this here technilogie thang.

Dude! That chick's pregnant!

lol!

The term comes from the Edwardian era dresses, I think.

If you wife or girlfriend or mother has ver made you watch a movie or BBC series by Jane Austin, (Sense And Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, etc.) that's the time period and they're still popular from time to time.

It was a very freeing time for women, no bustles or hoops or girdles or things like that.

Anyway, the look was NEVER ment for blouses, imo, UNLESS one is pregnant, so if a guy assumes that when he sees a woman in one, she's fair game, as far as I can tell.

My husband is a pretty good guy and will help in every way that he can (he'll even cook eggs and hamburgers (but that's it), and I help with the garden, lawn and car, too.

But keep posting, guys, you're all giving me lots to think about!

Women, do not ask us if a particular outfit makes you look "fat". First, there is no correct answer for us. You already know if it does or not. If we say yes, your feelings are hurt. Weight really seems to prey on your minds. Our saying yes is a confirmation of what you already think, and will needlessly hurt your feelings. Second, If we say no, they you will think we are liars, don't want to say that yes you are fat, and/or we are cowards. Given a choice, we will always say "no" because, believe it or not, dispite what mags and hellywood would have you believe, most guys are not into hurting the feelings of one we love. It is one of the "impossible questions".

From my observations, and those of my wife, believe it or not, as a woman ages she needs a little more weight on her. I'm not saying she should be obese, just that as a woman ages, a little weight keeps her from looking gaunt and stringy. Very few guys want that. Adolescent's that have never grown up despite their years, yes...men, no.

And last, if you want to know if we think you are attractive and sexy, be confident. Don't always expect us to be able to read your moods. Sometimes, we have things on our minds that are distracting us from noticing any woman, including you. Once, while distracted by outside pressures (read: work) I did not notice that my wife was flirting with me in a very subdued manner. Subtle things that I honestly might or might not have picked up on were guaranteed that I wouldn't because of something that had nothing to do with her. After a discussion, I told her to use the two by four method. Take said 2 x 4, apply to cranium of male. Problem solved.

I realize that you may not always want to take that method, that you yourself may need some reassurance and the subtle route is the method you choose. Just be aware that it is a method that may be doomed to failure at particular times and has absolutely nothing to do with you.

*Note: the above applies to normal situations. IF you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, and they are indeed having an affair, these situations are not meant to apply. In that case, said spouse is a jerk and deserves no compassion.

Chick Flicks- Women, know this. Accept this. Take it onto your heart and believe in it as a certitude like no other.

Men do not like chick flicks. It is literally a man repellant. If you want us to leave the room, put on any searing emotional story of loss and/or love with some kind of compelling backdrop.

My wife and I just had a nice sunday morning breakfast. The boy is at his grandmothers, the day is overcast and cloudy. The (*&&%*()*^%$#@ state paper did not include a funny pages section. But, it is a nice, easy morning. My wife then proceeds to put on The Women. I leave the room.

Women...WE ARE NOT THAT DEEP! For us, seering emotional loss is when South Carolina losses to Georgio when it should have won! Pretty boys that bare their souls only happen in romantic movies and books.

And if you attempt to force depth on us, our brain goes into a self preserving shut down mode, not unlike your computer. We have very basic motivations. I'm sorry, I know you don't want to believe it, but its true. The most basic if you must know.

This is not to say that we do not have some higher emotions. We do. But they are much easier to understand if you know that they all stem from the same place. And no, I'm not talking about the groin area.

It’s true, there are some John Tesh and Yanni types out there. Those are male oddities. We scratch, belch, spit, pee outside...we are men. You can continue to force us to watch those movie, and we will. Just understand that the entirety of male achievement has been for female achievement. Once we achieve female, either in marriage or stable living together environment, the mating game changes. We don't fluff our feathers as much. We don't flash our red posterior as much. We don't bring the gaudiest string for the nest as much.

And truth be told, neither do you.

So, if you really want two hours to yourself, put on The Women, or Titanic, or Joan of Arc, or any movie about Queen Elizabeth the first, and you got it. But when we go out to the garage or the storage shed, when we throw on our cleats and go play golf, don't get mad about it. You just did the same thing.

Women, know this---guys burn out quicker. At forty, you women are hitting peaks. Your creative juices are at their highest. At forty, you are the best that you are.

Men at forty---we start rationing energy. The one thing we could always count on, our bodies, pick this time to disappoint us in many more ways. We cant throw that football as far as we used to. We cant do the physical things we used to do. Instead of picking up the riding mower, throwing it in the back of the pickup and going, we use ramps to drive it up. We use a vacuum cleaner to pick that piece of paper up instead of bending over or squating because our backs and knees are shot.

This is all due to the fact that as young men, we burn up our capital. We use it to woo, we use it to get ahead in business and careers...we just use it. When we play, we play like there is no tomorrow because we are young, invincible, and stupid.

Most of you do not do that. When puberty hits you, you get more pronounced changes. Don't get me wrong, we as men like those changes...for the most part. But women tend to be much more respectful of and care more for the products of those changes.

A woman runs into a wall, and she starts figuring out ways to go around, or over with the aid of something else. Guys run into a wall, get stymied, and then lower their heads and charge full tilt. it may not make sense, it may not be logical, but its real. We are slaves to our biologics as much as some women are to the "wanna baby" drives.

We are men. We are hairy, blunt spoken (for the most part), rude, crude and obnoxious at times. We are the older brothers that teased you and picked on you. We are also the older brothers that went and collected you after you call when some other jerk has left you on a date, or got out of hand and you didn't like it. We are the dads that clean our guns in front of your date. And while you may think those things silly, or scoff at them...remember, they are silly to you because you are female, but we are not, and they are not. We may work the same jobs, get paid pretty much the same (not completely yet, but its coming I have to believe), etc...but we are men in a man's society as you are women in a woman's society.

You don't have to understand these things that I have told you. But for happiness, you must believe.

Candle, my interior cooking skills include anything that can be opened, stuck in a microwave, and be ready in five to ten minutes. And popcorn.

But, outside, with FIRE...ah, then I beat my manly chest, burn things until they are tasty, and let the wife make all the froo froo things to eat in the kitchen. Grunt! Snort!

Women, know this...as a man, when forced to shop, I die a little inside.

If you ask me what I want for supper, I will ask you what we have so that I know what my options are. This is not done because I cannot choose. I want to know what my choices are so that I can make up my mind. To get frustrated when I reply "wadda we have?" makes no sense to us. What good would it be for me to tell you I want hotdogs if we have none in the house? We are not trying your patience deliberately. Give me a choice and I will tell you my preference.

Also, please understand that daily we make choices that matter. We prioritize. We maximize our time if possible and minimize the efforts involved in work. When being in the truck and turning left or turning right makes a difference in your income for the week, matters such as whats for supper simply don't carry much weight with us. That is not to diminish the importance of what you do if you are the cook in the family. It merely means that we have faith in you and trust your judgement. Because, at that time of day, honestly, we are in energy conservatin mode. Thinking hurts our brains.

Women- you have magical purses! Its true. In one ordinary handbag you can pack a smaller purse, hairbrush, breath freshener, gum, paper towels, toilet tissue, car keys, lunch for three, a cuisinart, feminine products, a lamp post, the childrens homework, the clutch on a '93 Impala, seventeen photoalbums of your grandkids, three different dresses and the appropriate footwear, and a partridge with the pear tree.

We are guys. We don't wear jewelry if we can help it...except for big Tony over in 'jersey. Over the years I have divested myself of a watch, high school rings, various other items as well. My wallet is for 1) drivers license, 2) bank cards and appropriate banking identification cards 3)cash money, 4) insurance cards, and 5) one movie club membership from around '96. The simpler the better as far as 80% of men are concerned (percentage amounts completely based on what was removed from hindbrain and are subject to actual correct figures at any point in time.

I do not keep a mini picture book in my wallet. it is worn on the posterior in a pocket and as such becomes uncomfortable over the years pressing on the same nerves over and over. We are men, we are minimalists. If you want proof, ask your husband if he prefers a granny nightgown or your birthday suit. Asking to see pics of my kid will net you nothing. Its not that I don't love him and my wife, its that I don't want their presence to be associated any more than possible with pains in the posterior. (understand that I say this knowing full well that at times I am a pain in theirs as well.

Women- that one toilet in the house that no one but we use...is ours. You get the rest of the house. WE don't get the den, its shared at best. The kitchen is yours. The patio is yours. The bedroom we both sleep in is covered in pastel flower prints or painted walls with pictures of adorable and cute people we have never met. But that one bathroom with a small shower and sink is ours. it doesn't have three hundred and twenty seven items scattered about all over the counter top. It does not have a box of pads in the corner under a discarded bra.

What it has is soothing colors on the wall. It has reading materials that involve sports, automobiles, handyman stuff, the occasional book on hunting or fishing, and one allowed oddity, like a novel or a magazine used to buy something, like motorcycles, tractors, or boats.

It does not have flowery curtains, or them half curtain things that don't really hide anything but are annoying as heck. It does not have loofahs, toenail paint of any kind on the counter, or thing to add to the bathwater. Attempts to inject these items into our one space in the house will result in us being grumpy, unhappy, and will ensure that the honeydo list that you have for us is lost and the clubs are thrown in the truck and we disappear for five or six hours to play.

consider the toilet as our bathroom/happy place. Leave us alone, let us do our business, and all is right with the world. Bother us, and we call our mother over for a visit. *yes, that works both ways.

These topics, along with girly mags (for straight guys), seem to be universal.

I did recreation for an institution for years and I gave a stack of magazines to a teenage guy in a wheelchair, hoping he'd find something of interest that we could build a rec program on for him. He couldn't talk and spent most of his time drooling, sitting in a corner and yelling.

But he brought me some of the pictures that he'd ripped out of the magazines.
They were pictures of hunting rifles, sports figures, military ads, girls, cars, fisherman, etc..

Guys are just pretty much guys.

Women...Men are not fairys. Nor are they imps, or chipmunks, or otter, or muskrat, or bears, or hawks, or fieldmice.

In other words, we do not live in a forest glade. In all honesty, we really don't know exactly what the hell a glade is.

We like things to smell fresh because they are ...fresh. We cannot take having sixteen different po puree smells in one home competing with the smells of cooking, the laundry being lemon fresh as opposed to being glade fresh...

Please, for the lovaa our sinus' sake, PICK ONE AND FALL IN LOVE WITH IT!

Women...men hate going to the dentist. I know this because I am a guy, and I hate going to the dentist.

I just had a tooth pulled. It was rotted and decayed, nasty and made me feel irritable and cranky most of the time because it continually cut into my cheek. And it feels so good to have it out that it makes up for the 5 shots in my mouth to deaden the thing enough to make the dentist happy. I will be in a foul mood for three days for several reasons: a) sore mouth and missing food I love because of it, b) I cannot smoke for a day, and I love my cigars, c) frankly, being in a foul mood and trying to contain it rather than blast every living being on the planet that annoys me over the next three days will be exhausting and d) I gotta go back to the guy and pay him even more money to hurt me...and I ain't into S & M!

As a guy, when we tell you we are in a foul mood, and it will take three days to get over it, and there are reasons why...believe us and leave us...alone that is...for those days. Just let us be. Dont' try to cheer us up, for god's sake don't get all perky and mothery. We will accept physical affection because...well, we're guys. We will appreciate it...but it won't change the essential grumpyness that will be the three days.

Give us these days our daily grumpyness, and forgive us for our @$$holieness, as we do not run over random pedestrians and avoid temptation.

Women- When you find a recipe that we like...avoid temptation....don't change it! I don't wanna know how different it would taste with sun dried tomato's, or hellman's instead of Dukes. Don't change it.

Make something completely new and different if you want to, but when you tell us supper is ...bacon sandwiches and macaroni and cheese, we believe you. Our taste buds believe you and start having a party in anticipation. To suddenly throw a tofu burger in front of us, or a turkey burger instead of a good old ground beef burger...it's cruel and usual punishment.

Ma would tell you, it ain't about you. Well that is, she tells me that no matter how much I try to convince her otherwise.

True, everything ain't about us. However...my wife claimed the kitchen when we got together, and I accepted her wishes on the provisio that good food is good food. When she makes a recepie that I like, it is understood...make it that way. I don't suddenly wash her car with mud, she doesn't change the recipe on the things I love.

Your momma might tell you it ain't about you, but ask her about the way to a man's heart and the importance of the stomach.

Quick poll: Guys and Girls. Is it Gay that I guessed that this was a BCBG Max Azria dress before I clicked on it?

On this board, is Gay the fashion, or is it more a state of mind?



For that matter, am I the least womanly woman in the universe because I had to think for several minutes before I realized that "light blue" typeface on this board is called "aqua"?

Ladies: when we do not know your size, it is not a slight.

Most men don't know their own clothing size, save 'Medium'. The day you can walk into a menswear store and tell the man what suit I need and the alterations they need to finish it properly is the day I will walk into BCBGMaxAzria and pick out a dress in colour, fabric and size that you desire. Said dress will accentuate your figure while masking what you think your deficiencies are.

But again this will happen when you can choose a my favorite suit fabric from the sample book and choose a tie that is not ugly.

You forgot some things: Her man's cell phone, his chequebook, his iPod, his housekeys, all his passports and documents he needs when he goes to the lawyer's office later on and any grooming products he needs. Also the Garmin GPS for when he gets lost, he claims he bought it for you but he's the one that needs directions all the time.

Since I married my husband, I usually 'help' pick out his clothes (not his jeans, T's, socks, shoes and undies, he does most of that), although I try to go with takes on his favorites (I get him cottons, linens and their blends, and silks) 'cause I just don't like polyesters.
Oregonians wear wool/alpacca sweaters and suits, flannel, fleece and socks with their sandles in the winter, too!


And rick, you're about the malest guy I can recall finding out about, here or anywhere else!
You make Clooney seem a little fem!
Yoowser!

Women: we'd do just about anything you need done around the house for a back massage. I'm not kidding. A regular back-scratch will get the yard looking beautiful.

Women, read what Cobie just said. Take it to heart. And then, take it to our backs and heads...The scratchgasm you give us will be repayed in so many different ways! Move that 300lb desk set your momma gave us that takes up space and annoys the heck outta me? Whats that...you are scratching my back?...Hell yeah, I'll pick it up and tote it outside if you want me to.

Clean out the continuous gutters right where the power line ties to the pole for the house while standing on a metal ladder? You are scratching my head..? Done, Baby! Murder yer a-hole boss for making a pass at you? Back and legs scratched...no problem!

We men are very simple.

And Candle...thanks, I think.!?

I did. She asked, if my wife, who has given me the gift of a meal, made a meal I didn't like, would I love her any less? Would I wash her car in mud?

She asked, if my wife, who has given me a gift of a meal, was complimented by me on that meal, would she be likely to make that meal as best she could, next time and forever?

She asked, if my wife, who has given me a gift of a meal, changed that meal, would it have been for any other reason than she was trying to please me all the more?

She asked, if my wife, who has given me a gift of a meal, changed that meal and I gagged and put my finger in my throat and screamed and hollered (my usual approach I admit, so as to not come off high minded), would I be wise to hide all poisons in the house?


She asked, if my wife changed the recipe somewhat of my favorite meal and I mentioned I prefered it the other way, take umbrage, be so hurt as to never ever again make me a meal or would she probably just go back to making it the other way?

My motto, never piss off too much someone you plan on sleeping next to.

Live Dangerously!

Women, if a guy doesn't call you right back it doesn't mean that he's avoiding you it means that he really might be busy and will get back to you as soon as he can.

Women, if after seven years of marriage your husband still likes to see you naked when you change clothes, don't be annoyed by it. seriously.

The scratching part is absolutely right on.
He loves the foot rubs, too!

Company expects us to have our hand down our pants while we watch tv so don't be embarrassed.

Okay...I asked my wife a simple question..."what would you, as a woman, like me, as a man, to answer a question on. What one little thing men do bugs you as a woman and you've never hand an answer for?"

Dangerous, I know, but I live on the edge, baby!

so, her first response was "Do you really think there's anyway for me to answer that without making you mad?"

My response was profound, deep and learned.

"Sure."

So, after hemming and hawing for a moment or two, she says...

"Why are men so self centered? Everythings about you you you!"

I immediately went beserk, killed the cat, shot down a sputnik, and molested a bike. Once over that, i said "Thats really general. Can you be a little more specific?"

"Okay, remember the arguement we had at the movie store about chickflicks?"

"No."

"See, right there! Women think about others, men think about themselves. Women work as a group. buzz buzz buzzzzzzz stop cleaning your fingernails and listen to me, Rick!"

"Hnh?"

"WWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" as spittle flew from her mouth and a murderous look clouded her eyes.

"Oh. Well. From the time we can let go of the breast and start eating charred carcass we are taught to stand on our own. To be...A MAN! We like football and baseball, but deep down, in our heart of hearts..we think team sports are for wussies. A REAL MAN doesn't slap another guy on the ass. He spits and scratches (sorry ladies, its true we do, and that wont change. Believe it or not, its that part of us, the male barbarian, that deep down you really like. If not, you'd be gay. Nothing wrong with that if thats what you want, but since you are straight and go for men, thats part of the package) and pees in the woods.

And as such, we have a limit to what we can watch without our gag reflex being triggered. We see guys like the male doctor from Grey's anatomy...the patrick guy, and think to ourselves "He annoys me. ten minutes in his sappy company and I'd bitchslap him into next week and tell him to grow a pair."

I myself cannot watch certain things. For instance, you can put on the most innocuous sitcom, but if it involves a character making a fool of themselves and knowing better but digging the hole deeper and deeper, I cannot watch. I'm not into humiliation. I don't find it enjoyable or funny.

However, before you think we are complete cro-magnons remember this. I could have bought some slaughter fest pic with a bunch of naked big boobed chicks running around as some adolescent fantasy. Instead, I bought you "He's just not that into you". I tried to watch it with you. But five minutes in, the girl is desperately trying to catch some guy at a bar and humiliating herself. Gag reflex engaged. Movie over for me.

Yes, we most likely are self centered. But ask yourself, when you tell us that we are not romantic enough, that we dont' do anything to show you that we love you...why aren't you picking up on the little things we do each and every day. They may not come with roses and flowery prose, but when we give up...say watching a game that we have been looking forward two for the season to take you and the kid around to the park, or to the book store...those are the things that really show what we think.

Big gestures are for wooing. When we marry, we show you that we love you.

Women...when a guy that loves you has picked and teased you to the point you want to scream in frustration, hit him with something and wail like a banshee...don't ask him why.

It's foreplay.

you know the last guy that did that to me i stabed him

Live Dangerously.

Well, you know what I think about the spitting, rick-cro.

*Snorts, thumps chest, paws ground with foot*

Hmph. Shur do. 'Scuse me, gotta go kill a mastodon for breakfast while smokin' a cigar and using a rattlesnake for a lasso.



Candle, and the rest of you ladies...don't pretend that you don't enjoy the rougher side of men from time to time. Don't try to tell us that you haven't done the "will big strong hubby lift and move the oh so heavy couch for little ole' me?" routine. Even when its a joke between hubby and wife it works. Our egos are as susceptible to flattery as yours is, and ya'll know how to use it, just like we do.

When we get older, most of us just Peacock a lot less. We like it when you get all girly, and ya'll like it when we get all cro-magnon...when its appropriate.

god, momma nature, what ever you want to call it make women more social so that a group could accomplish what one woman might not. God, Momma Nature, whatever you want to call it gave men a stubborn streak big enough to have us climb that mountain, cross that river, and nut the bull by ourselves. Its not much difference, but...Vive la Differance!

Cro-w all you want, 'young un'.

The girly-guyy stuff is fine.

But if your spittin', I ain't kissen until you brush your teeth and gargle and wash your face and lips with hot, soapy water.

In my case, that would include smoking anything, too.
But, that's okay, Chuck doesn't spit or smoke.
And he's pretty much a man's 'man' for the most part.

Every man is a man in his own right, his own time, and his own way. Im not one of those guys that gets all bent out of shape if some other guys has manscaping done. I figure his life is his life.

I learned a long time ago, everything is just a way to be. Be a timber man, be a biker, be a office manager, be a drag queen. Its all just a way to get from one end of life to the other with the least possible aggravation.

I could no more handle being stuck in a office for 10 hours a day anymore than some other guy could stand to step into some workboots, throw on some gear, and run property lines through the swamp in 3 feet of water. As I get older, I'm much better working by myself. I don't argue as much with my coworker that way.

Chuck, too.
But it doesn't help me a bit.
I argue either way.
sigh

You only have to worry when you start to lose those arguements. I haven't lost one with myself yet.

Note* I did not write these, but some of them are true, and some of them not so much. I'll leave it up to you to decide which is which, unless you follow one of the rules and ask.


These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping

By the way, my wife loved these. She wants to adopt one or two of them for women in general as well.

I told her 'no'.

She hit me.

She wins.

This thread needs a bump... jus' cause.

Women- It is perfectly okay and acceptable, even preferred, that when you leave the house, you stop at the door and think to yourself "Do I have everything I am supposed to have for this excursion into the exterior world."

When you call and tell us "Honey, I left my wallet..." or "honey, I forgot to fill up the gas tank and ran out...." or "Honey, I forgot to pick up...." we, as men, will go and fetch, take to you, help you out any way we can. We are your man and we love you.

But, when the price of gas is so high and we have driven thirty miles in the opposite direction from where you are, and it will take us some time and serious gas money, we may become irritable. We are not saying that we never do the same thing, just that you unerring timing and it is always at the worst possible time, and at the most cost.

Please, do not at this time decide to quiz us on your weight, chick flicks, clothes, whether we find your "best" friend attractive, etc... Just a small note of caution for the advancement of love and and groovy feelings from the Manstitute.

Women, when there is only room for one in the recovery room after minor surgery on our child, we will let you be that one because we know you get freaky bout yer cub. It doesn't not in any way indicate that we love our kid less.

Women, there is almost no "subtext" to men's statements. When we say something along the line of "I like that dress." it means, we like the dress. It doesn't mean "I secretly think that dress makes you look lumpy."

Hookay... this one will likely get me some flak, but, this is an honest thread, I'll try to be as tactful as possible.

Women, if you are unhappy with with your body... do something about it. I don't care what it is, but do something.

This ties into the "does this make me look fat" but is a subset of its own.

Whether its a butt you don't like, weight you are carrying, hair color, big shnoz, whatever, just do what you can about it.

Here's a news flash, ladies. Complaining to us all the time that theres something about your body you don't like will draw attention to something that we either don't care about, don't think about, or don't mind because we love you. You don't have to be perfect to retain us if you want... cause we damn sure aren't. My arms are in the worst shape of my life because I am trying to heal a bad elbow. I know my arms aren't what they were. I'll take care of it when the elbow heals. Best I can do in this situation.

I personally am NOT a fan of plastic surgery unless its needed. A nose thats broken is not the same thing as having a perfectly fine nose, but wanting that button nose that movie star X has.

But really, do something. It may never look like you want, the butt may be big, the boobs may sag a little after kids, the underarms may be a little loose... We don't care. We love ya.

But stop using us as the soundboard for what makes you unhappy. Its not the physical aspect of that that turns us off. I wouldn't put up for one skinny minute someone ragging on my wife, my friend, my sister, my mother by anyone else, what makes you think I will just because the person doing the raging is YOU?

Our hair recedes. Our love handles grown. Our feet and hands grown. We get nose and ear hair. Ain't no body perfect.

Biggest turn on in a woman for most men... confidence. And if you don't have it, fake it. You know that ratty old shirt we love to wear because its comfortable that you hate, well, think about that ratty old robe you wear. Worn out by the kids? So are we. Tired from work? So are we. Want us to make an effort? Us too.

Basically, please quit beating yourselves up because you don't look like a blowdried, made up, photoshopped hollywood princess. If we wanted that much phony, we'd get a blowup doll. We married/date/live in sin with you. We picked you. You picked us.

This needs to be a book.

It already was, multiple times. The Surrendered Rules Of The Men Who Don't Eat Quiche & Their Twilit Wives From Venus.

Not to mention most of the history of stand-up & nearly every Sunday funny & sitcom.

Pass.

Also timely: this is THE long weekend where I get a turn (wo)manning the grill, and no one's gonna' stop me.

True, I can only down fake beer while spraying the ribs, not real beer. But too bad.

Life is too short to get stuck in the thinking of the last century.

I told mr_cleome he should learn to make pie. He can start with a frozen piecrust, which most people do anyway.

Grill things my wife learned from me (about me, not life in general): I love, love, love steak...but 90% of the time, I like pork chops just as much and they're cheaper. Actually, grilling is a spousal event in my house: I do all the grilling but most importantly, we stand next to the grill and drink together the whole time. This is especially fun in winter.

Meanwhile, I don't make pie but I make an excellent pepperoni bread and excellent zucchini bread. We don't stand around the stove and drink for these, but it just occurs to me that there is no reason we can't!

ZOMFG, Cobie! Pepperoni (or sausage) bread was a delicacy from my East Coast youth that I haven't thought of in decades! Mom would bring it home from her forays to Little Italy in NYC, or from one of the produce guys she knew a few towns away-- when she was buying stuff for her business.

I made us some lamb Kofta kebabs on Friday. A few of them were a bit underdone in the middle, and some wooden skewers were sacrificed despite my careful preliminary soaking. But, overall, a good Intermediate effort, I think. (Cooks who don't care for lamb can substitute beef, so long as it's not too lean. Dark meat turkey would probably work, too.)

I've never been a fan of lamb, (especially the Irish ways of making it) but I actually love lamb kofta (and especially kebabs). Mm. It's one of the few ways I love lamb. The whole Turk / Greek / East Mediterranean ways of making lamb are fantastic.

And yes, my pepperoni bread is fantastic . It's an old Italian recipe and I like to dice up the pepperoni into little cubes so no one piece is too dominate in any one bite.

That's the only way to go.

I guess straight women could benefit from hearing what straight men want in bed. But this goes both ways. better sex, yay!

I used to be on one of those proudly "politically incorrect" boards where, uh... let's just say that when it came to advice about sex, a lot of hetero dudes could dish it out but they couldn't take it. [ahem] I don't miss that board very much.

Sigh, toxic masculinity.

It's not good. And most of the women on that board bought into it, too. Like if some thoroughly uninteresting, untalented male celebrity like Kid Rock was dating, they'd all hurl insults at the woman, whoever she was. For basically no reason other than the fact that he was their dream guy and how dare any mere woman presume to get near him. [rolleyes]

Which is funny because it's pretty straightforward: Take Direction. Take direction until she gets where she's going, then take your turn.

Yeah, sex should be about mutually meeting needs and wants. Communicate instead of guessing!



The anonymity of the Internet tends to embolden the worst people...

[

Yeah, the arguments that happen just driving to the simplest places...hang on...what are you talking about?

Uhh... I forget.

Forgetfulness, or just being focused on different priorities can really affect people's self esteem if it's not communicated properly, or is allowed to build up over time.

Oh, crap. Did I remember to set the kitchen timer when I put the cake in the oven?! [runs away]

Yeah. Having your partner burn the house down around you can also affect self esteem too