Who's Online Now
0 Legionnaires (), 0 Murran Spies and 16 Spider Guild Agents online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Television Trouble-Finder
Time-Scope
Inane One Word Posts XXX - keep it clean
by Quislet, Esq. 11/22/17 01:42 PM
Name Three - III
by Invisible Brainiac. 11/22/17 12:47 PM
Birds of Prey
by Cobalt Kid. 11/22/17 12:27 PM
The Non-Legion Comics Trivia Thread Pt 5
by Quislet, Esq. 11/22/17 11:38 AM
Would you still rather
by Quislet, Esq. 11/22/17 11:35 AM
Answering Questions with Questions XVI
by Quislet, Esq. 11/22/17 11:25 AM
Legion Trivia 5
by Chaim Mattis Keller. 11/22/17 09:57 AM
Universe-Monitor
DC Comics
Legion Wiki
LMBP Yahoo! Group
LMB Wiki
Facebook Legion World
Twitter Legion World
Legion at Cosmic Teams
Legion of Super-Bloggers
The Legion Omnicom
Legion Abstract
Year 3000 - Legion RP site
The Future Begins Now - Legion RP site
We Are Legion - Legion RP site
Unofficial Guide to the DC Universe - Legion
Mike's Amazing World of DC Comics - Legion
Legion of Super-Heroes Online Companion
Hero History at Major Spoilers
Interlac, the Legion of Super-Heroes APA Facebook group
Klordny: Devoted to the Legion of Super-Heroes
APA 247 Yahoo! Group
It's OK, I'm a Senator
Get-a-Life Boy's Legion of Super-Heroes Site
Titanstower
The Legion Files
Heaven4Heroes - Legion
Legion of Super-Heroes fanfic
Glamazonia presenta: Legione Dei Super-Eroi
Super Future Friends
Legion of Substitute Podcasters
Blockade Boy
The Legion of Super-Heroes - Kevin Leung's Original Comic Art Gallery
The Superhero Network Entertainment Group
Omnicom
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
#936256 - 08/20/17 02:50 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: razsolo]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Set Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.
Set  Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Originally Posted by razsolo
I love the Interplanetary Gang, individually and with how smart they are as supervillains which is not something you see a lot of!


I'm fond of them too, although they weren't just smart, they were *prepared,* because, and I failed to properly note this, but will later, they also have been making use of the Oracle's crime-supporting predictive services.

I'd created them a long time ago. Asteroid Belle, while physically frail, is a whiz at mathematics and keeping complex tasks on point, and has naturally gravitated to leading the group, because she's just the most efficient and effective. Saturn Man is violent and thuggish, and considers himself the leader, which the others mostly humor, while trying to keep him from killing anybody (since they don't really want that level of heat, and most are just not that 'evil'). Mars Master's body has dissolved into a red silicate form, and he's just 'doing crime' to try and find a cure, and is explicitly avoiding killing anyone, because he plans on getting cured, spending some time in prison, and resuming his life! Jenny Jupiter is incredibly strong and kind of angry about having not been taken seriously all her life. Miss Mercury is just bored, and thinks this is fun. There could be others, but I wanted a smaller group, so the addictive gas-cloud generating hippy dude representing Venus and the creepy dark energy child- thing representing Pluto get left off-screen.

The ambush mainly existed to showcase the Oracle's information-brokerage in action (which I'll need to bring up later, when the Legion starts to go after the Oracle's network), and how even the Legion can't win every fight (since I certainly didn't want to create the impression that I was just handing them victories, and that when they do win, it's because they are awesome, not because they are getting free passes).

Well, and to give a reason for the character bit afterwards, where they were tumbling through space. I definitely wanted that scene. smile

Quote
I also really liked the detailed description of how everyone had to stop themselves from being flung off in all directions and Gim coming to the rescue...


Thanks! I hadn't originally intended for there to be three people capable of changing their mass on this team, but that's how it all fell out. Jacques was handy serving as the one who had to have it explained to him. I tried to give everyone some hints of competence, even if they weren't going to win that fight. (Violet was in-place and ready to take out Saturn Man, Jacques was standing next to the security controls *and* his quick thinking saved the detonators, Yera's elastic limbs kept everyone tethered, Gim slowed their possibly fatal plunge into the planetary rings and Ayla defused the tension and kept the situation cool.) I could have used Chameleon Boy, instead of Girl, but he's a little too competent, sometimes, and I wanted the dynamic with Gim, Yera, Vi and Ayla, instead. Similarly, if Tinya was there, Jo would have likely tagged along, and he's ultra-fast and a bit impulsive, so not a great choice for a mission in which a sudden wrong move could get lots of people killed... Plus I had plans for Jo and Tinya later, and don't want to overuse any one Legionnaire, at the expense of under-using someone else.

That said, I'm having trouble not putting Dawnstar on every team. She's just so fun to write, and her powers are luscious to describe. I've got to work on that. smile

Quote
lots of good character bits already too, such as Dawnstar's utter disregard for any kind of small talk and Dreamy refusing to go out into the Zuun rain. I am enjoying this a lot! smile


Glad you liked it!

I got a grin myself writing scenes where Imra just blows through the 'psi-shielding' or Dreamy tricks the superhuman foe to give up with a weapon she can't even use on him (and thanks him when he calls her 'super-hot').

I'd wanted to include more, like Brin reacting to the old base where his father experimented on him, but felt like it would be a bit too much. Not everyone needed to react to everything, and, after his scene in the Great Darkness Saga, where Darkseid tries to take people out with 'their greatest fears' and Brin's kind of like, 'Huh?' it might be cooler to just have him have moved on, and not be all angsty about his past anymore. The teams got enough angst, and Brin (however capable), bless his heart, has never been the deepest end of the pool...

Thanks for the feedback!


Last edited by Set; 08/20/17 03:00 AM.

Wrapped Around Your Finger now complete in BITS!
#936265 - 08/20/17 08:44 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Set]  
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,936
Harbinger Online content
Harbinger  Online Content


Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,936
here, more often than not
So much to review - hoorah!

Rimbor by Adlight, indeed... very nice take on everyone's favourite planetary gangland, from the tremendous adverts though to Jo's distrust of the spaceport to the talk he had with Xamia and the young boy at the end who couldn't see past the gang culture he'd be brought up in. This is perhaps my favourite post so far, which is high praise as they are all tremendous.

Mekt and Mai Li's little venture is certainly spreading, which is very worrying. The beasts are even in Khundia? That's a scary thought that the Khund could get access to something like that as they have only been shown as a militaristic race, who knows where that could lead! Ouch, the Terror Twins were too unstable for the LSV? They must be really, really mentally unhinged given some of the rogues they included. Interesting that Mekt is so touchy about what the UP think of him, I would have put him dowm as a lot more aloof than that, but he's never the most stable gyroscope, is he?

Great character moment for Ayla - from her boredom at listening to Gim's made up stories, her happiness that he had latched onto the wrong Violet, and her concerns for Garth. Great stuff, very neatly delivered." Espionage squad wives" - actually laughed out loud at that, classic! Great descriptions of the interplanetary gang, who needs pictures? They're a strange bunch so perfect as Legion villains.I assume their source of information is the Oracle? Whoever it or they are is definitely getting onto the teams radar now. Well, that was a bit of a disastrous mission for the squad - Miss Mercury putting those bomb bracelets on the tourists has kind of won the fight before it even started - Vi wanting to fight and Yera being the voice of reason was well written, even more reason for Vi to dislike her now. The step into the airlock was worrying - I expected Mon El or Wildfire to turn up as a last minute save, like in so many Levitz stories. Hopefully you'll give the team a chance to get their own back at some point, in fact I'm looking forward to it.

Nice little scene with Vi turning on Yera - I really wish she's get over her anger, in fact it was because that has been her dominant personality for so long that I killed Vi in my fic, I can't stand the angry young victim trope for long. Ayla calming things down and Jacques outburst were all great. I'd never thought about it before so really appreciated you highlighting that Ayla also joined while impersonating another team member - nice catch. Also the physics of travelling in space is well outside my understanding that your explanation of mass slowing velocity was really appreciated. Though it's a bit of a design flaw of Gim's transsuit doesn't supply him with enough air when in giant form. Jacques not understanding 'safe word' was funny, he's quite naďve really, bless him.

"in space, nobody can smell your body odor" -ha, that's a tag line waiting to happen! Your take in Dawnstar is great, from her sly humour to pragmatism in the face of Brainy's overly thorough explanations.

Garth's frustration and Dawnstar's sarcasm were well written - I really like your Dawny. Transient Wormholes? What a great idea and explanation Set, bravo!

And in one post you nail down Brainy perfectly - from not wanting to waste any time, to giving his teammates a couple of seconds to process the information, to taking change on the basis of the information he's got, to npt fighting with Dreamy despite the provocation to his final begrudged "good luck" - that was a really well done post!

That's all I've time for now Set, sorry, I've got to run. Will finish off later in the week.

Until then, I'm looking forward to more, more, more! smile


Legion Worlds Four - awesome ongoing adventures set in the Retro-Boot, only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
#936277 - 08/20/17 12:35 PM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Harbinger]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Set Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.
Set  Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Originally Posted by Harbinger
So much to review - hoorah!
Rimbor by Adlight, indeed... very nice take on everyone's favourite planetary gangland, from the tremendous adverts though to Jo's distrust of the spaceport to the talk he had with Xamia and the young boy at the end who couldn't see past the gang culture he'd be brought up in. This is perhaps my favourite post so far, which is high praise as they are all tremendous.


Thanks!

I wanted to highlight one of the behind-the-scenes information-gathering missions that would give Brainy the data he needed to track down Mekt’s potential hiding places (since they’d taken steps to prevent Dawny from just saying, ‘Yeah, he’s over there.’), and while Chameleon Boy infiltrating some criminal gang would be the obvious choice, I wanted something less obvious. Ultra Boy on an intel mission to Rimbor seemed like a neat left-of-center choice. Rimbor would be a logical place to purchase these hybrids (or possibly electrical empowerment for their enforcers), and Jo, when last we saw him on Rimbor, framed for the murder of An Ryd, showed some cool streetwise saavy that he doesn’t really get to show off when he’s surrounded by geniuses and espionage experts.

Quote
Mekt and Mai Li's little venture is certainly spreading, which is very worrying. The beasts are even in Khundia? That's a scary thought that the Khund could get access to something like that as they have only been shown as a militaristic race, who knows where that could lead! Ouch, the Terror Twins were too unstable for the LSV? They must be really, really mentally unhinged given some of the rogues they included. Interesting that Mekt is so touchy about what the UP think of him, I would have put him dowm as a lot more aloof than that, but he's never the most stable gyroscope, is he?


Having Zymyr on smuggling duty (and what is he charging for that? Seems like a seller’s market for untraceable black market teleportation…) sure helps getting ‘product’ to places like Rimbor and Sklar and Khundia! And yeah, Mekt, kind of touchy, in general. XBombBetty

Quote
Great character moment for Ayla - from her boredom at listening to Gim's made up stories, her happiness that he had latched onto the wrong Violet, and her concerns for Garth. Great stuff, very neatly delivered." Espionage squad wives" - actually laughed out loud at that, classic! Great descriptions of the interplanetary gang, who needs pictures? They're a strange bunch so perfect as Legion villains.I assume their source of information is the Oracle? Whoever it or they are is definitely getting onto the teams radar now. Well, that was a bit of a disastrous mission for the squad - Miss Mercury putting those bomb bracelets on the tourists has kind of won the fight before it even started - Vi wanting to fight and Yera being the voice of reason was well written, even more reason for Vi to dislike her now. The step into the airlock was worrying - I expected Mon El or Wildfire to turn up as a last minute save, like in so many Levitz stories. Hopefully you'll give the team a chance to get their own back at some point, in fact I'm looking forward to it.


Glad you liked the characterization with Ayla. She’s not even my fourth favorite Legion lady, and yet, right after Dawnstar, she’s in my top two for writing, because she’s just so darn cool to write. She’s emotional, when it’s called for, and level-headed and pragmatic, when others are losing their cool, and, when it’s time to return to Orando and face the entire LSV single-handedly, she’s got the fire in her belly to do just that!

Quote
Nice little scene with Vi turning on Yera - I really wish she's get over her anger, in fact it was because that has been her dominant personality for so long that I killed Vi in my fic, I can't stand the angry young victim trope for long. Ayla calming things down and Jacques outburst were all great. I'd never thought about it before so really appreciated you highlighting that Ayla also joined while impersonating another team member - nice catch. Also the physics of travelling in space is well outside my understanding that your explanation of mass slowing velocity was really appreciated. Though it's a bit of a design flaw of Gim's transsuit doesn't supply him with enough air when in giant form. Jacques not understanding 'safe word' was funny, he's quite naďve really, bless him.


Violet is kind of one note, since her time in the sens-tank. On the one hand that makes her kind of uncomplicated to write, on the other hand, it’s also like ‘angry Violet is angry’ has become shorthand for ‘I’m not going to bother with any deeper characterization for this character.’ Even when she does have some development (like Levitz describing her as keeping track of subversive groups), it’s easily seen to derive from her experiences at the hands of the Imskian separatists. I feel like it should have run its course, but don’t feel comfortable just hand-waving it away… Eh.

I’m kind of characterizing Jacques as clueless about relationships, in particular. He’s on a mission with two couples, and he doesn’t ‘couple,’ expressing no interest in the lads or the ladies (barring a political marriage to Drura in some other continuity), so I’m flirting with the idea that he’s asexual.

Quote
"in space, nobody can smell your body odor" -ha, that's a tag line waiting to happen! Your take in Dawnstar is great, from her sly humour to pragmatism in the face of Brainy's overly thorough explanations.

Garth's frustration and Dawnstar's sarcasm were well written - I really like your Dawny. Transient Wormholes? What a great idea and explanation Set, bravo!

And in one post you nail down Brainy perfectly - from not wanting to waste any time, to giving his teammates a couple of seconds to process the information, to taking change on the basis of the information he's got, to npt fighting with Dreamy despite the provocation to his final begrudged "good luck" - that was a really well done post!


Dawny, like Ayla, is not my favorite Legion lady (those would be Shady, Tinya, Lu and Dreamy, which is why I’m trying not to overuse them, and spend some time with the others!), and yet I just love, love, love her ‘voice,’ and describing her visuals. She’s just a treat to write. And the transient wormholes are just my fanwank for why she’s occasionally able to beat a hyperspace-travelling cruiser to the action, despite flying ‘only’ at around lightspeed… smile

Brainy’s as much of a challenge, narratively, as Dawnstar’s tracking power. I really had to work out how someone could keep a plan under his radar for any length of time, and how a foe, even one that might have advantages like precognition, could possibly counter a Coluan brain actively interested in ferreting out their secrets… (Hopefully, when all is said and done, I’ll have done so credibly.)

Thanks again for the awesome feedback!

Last edited by Set; 08/20/17 12:40 PM.

Wrapped Around Your Finger now complete in BITS!
#936359 - 08/22/17 06:48 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Set]  
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 57,408
Invisible Brainiac Offline
Unseen, not unheard
Invisible Brainiac  Offline
Unseen, not unheard

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 57,408
Wouldn't you like to know?
Great story Set! I really enjoyed reading this.

Love the news headlines, and I had a little laugh at the mega Dune / Avatar / what have you crossover and Hocus Focus.

Great exploration of the "culture" on Rimbor; Jo's old friend helping him but on her own terms, Jo's knowledge of the culture - trying to offe rthe kid a way out, kid not taking it; him "reading" everything that was happening, giving his friend a chance to save face while still helping him...

Your take on Brainy is already a fave. You and I have the same read on his ability to understand the "illogical" practices of less intelligent beings, and occasionally deigning to accommodate them out of practicality and/or friendship. The way you show and describe it is amazing - he will not show up to a meeting early because seconds are precious, but makes a show of checking an Omnicom to give people time to process things. And your description of him using his super brain is wonderfully visual!

The Interplanetary Gang are a great group. Even before you explained it, I had already guessed that most of them didn't want to kill anyone - their motives are to enrich themselves, NOT to satisfy bloodlust and potentially get into bigger trouble! Would love to see them again.

Your Oracle is interesting and has the potential to be a major thorn in the Legion's side.

The whole bit with the Legionnaires floating through space was great. Jacques is so... inexperienced wink Loved the dynamics if the two couples, their little code words and understanding each other. Ayla was great, I love how you have her level-headed and mature, a great contrast to your grumpy Violet (who is mature enough to tone it down)

Gim's job, lol. Great conversation between Brin and Imra

The super-hot one who can see the future!

Great moments for everyone, and love your use of Dawnstar. Dreamy using her wits, Imra casually overpowering the weak psi-shielding, Garth leading Mekt away, Brin changing battle tactics quickly, and the insight about non-invulnerable Legionaires needing to be careful, all great

Finally, great exploration of the singleton stigma of Winath. Mekt's rage and Mai Li's fetishization of singelhood... your Lightning Brothers are interesting too and I hope we see them again. The Lightning Zombies, creepier than the Korbalian hybrids; but both are a testament to the twisted thinking of Mekt and Mai Li. Whew! so was her keeping her mentor alive (because she had to) and keeping her hated twin alive because she needed th ebody for her escape... brrr! that girl is scary!

Can't wait for more...

#936368 - 08/22/17 08:38 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Invisible Brainiac]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Set Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.
Set  Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Originally Posted by Invisible Brainiac
Great story Set! I really enjoyed reading this.

Love the news headlines, and I had a little laugh at the mega Dune / Avatar / what have you crossover and Hocus Focus.


I had fun writing those out, coming up with absurd sorts of products or shows for the far, far future.

Quote
Great exploration of the "culture" on Rimbor; Jo's old friend helping him but on her own terms, Jo's knowledge of the culture - trying to offe rthe kid a way out, kid not taking it; him "reading" everything that was happening, giving his friend a chance to save face while still helping him...

Your take on Brainy is already a fave. You and I have the same read on his ability to understand the "illogical" practices of less intelligent beings, and occasionally deigning to accommodate them out of practicality and/or friendship. The way you show and describe it is amazing - he will not show up to a meeting early because seconds are precious, but makes a show of checking an Omnicom to give people time to process things. And your description of him using his super brain is wonderfully visual!

The Interplanetary Gang are a great group. Even before you explained it, I had already guessed that most of them didn't want to kill anyone - their motives are to enrich themselves, NOT to satisfy bloodlust and potentially get into bigger trouble! Would love to see them again.

Your Oracle is interesting and has the potential to be a major thorn in the Legion's side.

The whole bit with the Legionnaires floating through space was great. Jacques is so... inexperienced wink Loved the dynamics if the two couples, their little code words and understanding each other. Ayla was great, I love how you have her level-headed and mature, a great contrast to your grumpy Violet (who is mature enough to tone it down)


I tried to make sure that everybody I used got some characterization, and a moment to shine and show off a little bit, even when the Espionage Squad Plus team was getting ambushed and airlocked...

I kind of shorted Brin, who could perhaps have had more of a visible reaction to returning to where his life started, but, I'll try to do better by him later.

Quote
Gim's job, lol. Great conversation between Brin and Imra


That felt a bit awkwardly placed, I'd meant for it to happen sooner, but the action was fast, fast, fast, and it wouldn't make any sort of sense for Brin and Imra to be stopping to chit-chat when lightning bolts are flying and lightning-throwing rhinoceros-men are clomping down on them!

Quote
The super-hot one who can see the future!


That's probably my favorite line in the fic. I loved the idea that Nura would be utterly pleased that someone would label her that way.

Although I was also fond of Dawnstar telling Garth that she knew what light-years were, and Imra's last words to Mai Li. Note to self; give the dudes some snappy dialogue! My favoritism to the lady characters is showing again!

Quote
Great moments for everyone, and love your use of Dawnstar. Dreamy using her wits, Imra casually overpowering the weak psi-shielding, Garth leading Mekt away, Brin changing battle tactics quickly, and the insight about non-invulnerable Legionaires needing to be careful, all great

Finally, great exploration of the singleton stigma of Winath. Mekt's rage and Mai Li's fetishization of singelhood... your Lightning Brothers are interesting too and I hope we see them again. The Lightning Zombies, creepier than the Korbalian hybrids; but both are a testament to the twisted thinking of Mekt and Mai Li. Whew! so was her keeping her mentor alive (because she had to) and keeping her hated twin alive because she needed th ebody for her escape... brrr! that girl is scary!

Can't wait for more...


This first chapter, and the third chapter are the most fleshed out in my head, so this second chapter may take a little bit longer. Hopefully I can get my creative ducks in a row.

Glad you liked what's come so far, and thanks for the great feedback!


Last edited by Set; 08/22/17 08:40 AM.

Wrapped Around Your Finger now complete in BITS!
#936603 - 08/27/17 04:11 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Set]  
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,936
Harbinger Online content
Harbinger  Online Content


Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,936
here, more often than not
Finally got the time to immerse myself in some fan-fic - hoorah! It's been a hectic week, so sorry for the delay in getting on with this Set. Anyway, here goes, my thoughts as I'm reading:

The Oracle obviously wants to protect its investment if its giving a warning.

Garths worry about the storm was cute, obviously as a farmboy at heart he'll e more aware of such things and tying it to Mekt's psychosis was a good catch. Garth and Imra's unspoken understanding of each other is always nice to read and garths disinterest as to it being telepathy or not shows a level of maturity he's rarely given, well done. Nice to read you're taking Zuun's stronger gravity into account, even with the everyday things like rain striking with more force and a fall being potentially fatal - that's the sort of thing I forget about so it's good to see. While Brin is okay in the gravity I wonder if Gim will suffer...

"In this rain? with this hair?" Ha, great line.

Garth and Imra scaring off the local predators was a nice little almost throw away section that neatly showed the hostile environment they were in but didn't take away from the plot. Go Gim! Bless him, he is a human target, isn't he? Still, the wall's down and the Legionnaires have access to the bunker so it's all go from here.

Bursting the tesseract and normalising gravity to Zunn standard was a nice, if unplanned, way to cut down the number of opponents. Though it's the hardcore villains that are left standing, hopefully the four Legionnaires will be up to the job. Dawnstar, of course, was fist into the fray... of course - and I really enjoy your take on Dawny, she's one of your best characters Set. And Brin darting around dealing with the hybrids was well done. It's easy to overlook how effective the combination of his speed and strength would be in a combat situation. Those Zombies are very disturbing though, really sick. That Mai isn't pretending to be crazy is she, she's truly deranged!

“How does it feel to know that you picked the wrong brother, mind-witch?” yup, she's crazy!

Brin tackling the zombies was inevitable though it was an unexpected twist that they would be fitted with reactive armour - nice touch Set, though ot as sweet as Brin clubbing them with a unconscious hybrid, that made me smile. And on the subject of smiling, Imra's response to Mai's gloating about her commercial grade psi-defences was a real treat. Imra is a bad ass at heart, I think, so it's always good to catch glimpses of that. And her casual conversation with Brin afterwards, with total confidence in Garth and Dawny was another tough that highlighted their maturity, just letting them get on with their job while sorting out the mess below. And perhaps my favourite conversation was where they acknowledged Gim's role as the onw who would always be taking it for the team so the rest of them could get closer into the action.

Lek's wanting to flee was totally believable, as you showed his views of being on that compound well - his initial reasons had been so corrupted by Mekt and Mai's craziness. Nura's apparent happiness at being recognised as 'the hot one' even when bedraggled was fun, as was her way of capturing the rogue Blood Brothers, smart and sassy as ever.

Your description of Garth and Mekt being like two aerialists tied to each other by constant streams of electrical energy is divine - I think that description captures the image perfectly. Dawny using sonic booms is a clever. has she ever been seen using that in canon, as it should be! Actually, I wrote sonic boobs initially, but that's probably better used in a Saucy Jones fanfic smile Ahem, anyway, her the creating an updraft to stop Mekt from going splat was also clever, well done.

And being deafened by the crashing thunder of the brother's fight gave the ending the right light touch after an epic fight scene.

Superb Set, simply superb! Really enjoyed your characterisation of every Legionnaire, the villains and even the minor players, and you write action very well too. Great stuff!

Now, where's part two?

More, more, more!


Legion Worlds Four - awesome ongoing adventures set in the Retro-Boot, only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
#936606 - 08/27/17 05:29 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Harbinger]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Set Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.
Set  Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Originally Posted by Harbinger
Finally got the time to immerse myself in some fan-fic - hoorah! It's been a hectic week, so sorry for the delay in getting on with this Set. Anyway, here goes, my thoughts as I'm reading:


Hope the hectivity (is that a word? It is now!) of your week is done!

Quote
The Oracle obviously wants to protect its investment if its giving a warning.

Garths worry about the storm was cute, obviously as a farmboy at heart he'll e more aware of such things and tying it to Mekt's psychosis was a good catch. Garth and Imra's unspoken understanding of each other is always nice to read and garths disinterest as to it being telepathy or not shows a level of maturity he's rarely given, well done. Nice to read you're taking Zuun's stronger gravity into account, even with the everyday things like rain striking with more force and a fall being potentially fatal - that's the sort of thing I forget about so it's good to see. While Brin is okay in the gravity I wonder if Gim will suffer...


Yeah, the gravity was tricky. I had to use the tesseract space to make normal gravity in the compound (while keeping it undetectable from scans), and LSV flight rings for the 'names' to explain how they could function when it failed, and rewrite the bit where Mekt was falling, to account for it (since I'd forgotten), and have Dreamy trick one of the dudes with enhanced strength to carry the other unconscious villain, since she wouldn't be able to lift either of them, and I didn't want to leave one or both unconscious in the dangerous jungles...

Quote
"In this rain? with this hair?" Ha, great line.

Garth and Imra scaring off the local predators was a nice little almost throw away section that neatly showed the hostile environment they were in but didn't take away from the plot. Go Gim! Bless him, he is a human target, isn't he? Still, the wall's down and the Legionnaires have access to the bunker so it's all go from here.

Bursting the tesseract and normalising gravity to Zunn standard was a nice, if unplanned, way to cut down the number of opponents. Though it's the hardcore villains that are left standing, hopefully the four Legionnaires will be up to the job. Dawnstar, of course, was first into the fray... of course - and I really enjoy your take on Dawny, she's one of your best characters Set. And Brin darting around dealing with the hybrids was well done. It's easy to overlook how effective the combination of his speed and strength would be in a combat situation. Those Zombies are very disturbing though, really sick. That Mai isn't pretending to be crazy is she, she's truly deranged!


With no Mon-El or Ultra Boy on this team, Brin (and Gim) where really the 'heavy hitters,' when it came to physical power, and Brin's combination of speed and strength, as you say, is pretty awesome.

Quote
“How does it feel to know that you picked the wrong brother, mind-witch?” yup, she's crazy!

Brin tackling the zombies was inevitable though it was an unexpected twist that they would be fitted with reactive armour - nice touch Set, though ot as sweet as Brin clubbing them with a unconscious hybrid, that made me smile. And on the subject of smiling, Imra's response to Mai's gloating about her commercial grade psi-defences was a real treat. Imra is a bad ass at heart, I think, so it's always good to catch glimpses of that. And her casual conversation with Brin afterwards, with total confidence in Garth and Dawny was another tough that highlighted their maturity, just letting them get on with their job while sorting out the mess below. And perhaps my favourite conversation was where they acknowledged Gim's role as the onw who would always be taking it for the team so the rest of them could get closer into the action.

Lek's wanting to flee was totally believable, as you showed his views of being on that compound well - his initial reasons had been so corrupted by Mekt and Mai's craziness. Nura's apparent happiness at being recognised as 'the hot one' even when bedraggled was fun, as was her way of capturing the rogue Blood Brothers, smart and sassy as ever.


That was a scene that I smiled as I wrote. I love when Nura's all sassy, and yet right.

Quote
Your description of Garth and Mekt being like two aerialists tied to each other by constant streams of electrical energy is divine - I think that description captures the image perfectly. Dawny using sonic booms is a clever. has she ever been seen using that in canon, as it should be! Actually, I wrote sonic boobs initially, but that's probably better used in a Saucy Jones fanfic smile Ahem, anyway, her the creating an updraft to stop Mekt from going splat was also clever, well done.


I'm glad the 'aerialists' line worked. It was a last-minute addition, and I like the visual of them sort of rotating around each other in mid-air, connected by a constant stream of lightning.

Quote
And being deafened by the crashing thunder of the brother's fight gave the ending the right light touch after an epic fight scene.


Heh, deaf Dawnstar is the best Dawnstar. smile

Quote
Superb Set, simply superb! Really enjoyed your characterisation of every Legionnaire, the villains and even the minor players, and you write action very well too. Great stuff!
Now, where's part two?
More, more, more!


Thanks for the feedback!

Part two is coalescing in my brain, but I'll try to beat those unruly creative impulses into some sort of order and get things moving!


Wrapped Around Your Finger now complete in BITS!
#937444 - 09/13/17 03:48 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Set]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Set Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.
Set  Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
And on to chapter two, The Oracle at Delphi!




Last edited by Set; 09/13/17 03:55 AM.

Wrapped Around Your Finger now complete in BITS!
#937616 - 09/17/17 08:53 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Set]  
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 15,374
Fat Cramer Offline
Fat Cramer  Offline


Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 15,374
Café Cramer
A fine first chapter, with thoroughly enjoyable character bits. I like Gim's role being described as the one who takes the hits, the reality check of Vi finding somebody's ear yucky, Imra being so far above everyday psychic shielding.

Does Nura bluff about her visions? Here she bluffs with a gun and it made me wonder if she occasionally fakes it; given her accurate record, everyone would assume she's telling the truth.

That Brin didn't react to the lab on Zuun also struck me as realistic. He was in the heat of action, as you say, but he may also have come to terms with his past, to the point that the location doesn't trigger an overt response. I'd like to think he's been able to put it behind him as a bad memory.

Unusual to see Dawnstar and Garth combining powers. It works really well!

Now on to the Oracle....

P.S. edit: "Hectivity" is a wonderful word!

Last edited by Fat Cramer; 09/17/17 08:54 AM.

Holy Cats of Egypt!
#937619 - 09/17/17 10:16 AM Re: The Legion of Lightning [Re: Fat Cramer]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Set Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.
Set  Offline
I swore I'd die for you, I never meant like this.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 8,079
Originally Posted by Fat Cramer
A fine first chapter, with thoroughly enjoyable character bits. I like Gim's role being described as the one who takes the hits, the reality check of Vi finding somebody's ear yucky, Imra being so far above everyday psychic shielding.


Thanks! I try to work in as much character development as I can into the story organically, without coming across as an info-dump. I'm hugely blessed in that my target audience is already Legion fans, and I don't have to info-dump stuff like Zuun being Brin's 'homeworld,' or how all Titanians are telepaths, or that Garth and Mekt have a bad family relationship, but can just sort of charge into stuff and trust that my readers know the score already!

Quote
Does Nura bluff about her visions? Here she bluffs with a gun and it made me wonder if she occasionally fakes it; given her accurate record, everyone would assume she's telling the truth.


If she did it a lot, it wouldn't work when she tried it, so I'm thinking she uses this tactic sparingly, at best. (If she had a reputation as a bluffer, that would make it an unusable tactic against anyone who might have heard that reputation, obviously, so I definitely wouldn't want it to be a go-to tactic for her, but definitely wanted to foreshadow how her intelligence and wits are at least as important as her power-set, particularly when the upcoming threat may or may not be precognitive / a Naltorian!). I've been kind of doing the same with other characters, like Tinya and Jacques and Dawny, trying to showcase how their specific powers aren't all they contribute.

Quote
That Brin didn't react to the lab on Zuun also struck me as realistic. He was in the heat of action, as you say, but he may also have come to terms with his past, to the point that the location doesn't trigger an overt response. I'd like to think he's been able to put it behind him as a bad memory.


A good rationale. It reminds me again of his reaction when Darkseid exposed various Legionnaires to their 'worst fears' and Brin was kind of like 'huh?', seeming more confused than fearful.

Quote
Unusual to see Dawnstar and Garth combining powers. It works really well!


Yeah, those are two that don't get put together often. It's always Garth and Imra (or Garth and Ayla), and Dawny and Drake, so I wanted to mix things up a little.

Similarly, I've avoided putting Shady and Tinya together, since they tend to 'clique,' or Tinya and Jo, and I'm trying to deal with some newer interactions, as well as the familiar classics.

Thanks for the feedback!


Wrapped Around Your Finger now complete in BITS!
Page 2 of 2 1 2

Monitor Duty
Forum Statistics
Forums14
Topics20,228
Posts950,426
Legionnaires1,684
Most Online860
Oct 17th, 2017
Newest Legionnaires
Impy, Sicroh, Kid_Chaos, Jannetto, Cyberstrike
1684 Registered Legionnaires
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Time Bubble
Holo-Vids
New Legion Cover #1
21CL Shrinking Violet
Catalyst Queen for Legion AU Project
Roll Call
Posts: 4,322
Joined: July 2003
Show All Member Profiles 
ShanghallaLegion of Super-Heroes & all related proper names & images are ™ & © material of DC Comics, Inc. & are used herein without its permission.
This site is intended solely to celebrate & publicize these characters & their creators.
No commercial benefit, nor any use beyond the “fair use” review & commentary provisions of United States copyright law, is either intended or implied.
Posts made on this message board must not be reproduced without the author's consent.
The Legion World Star
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0