While You Were Out... - Legion World

aliens landed and took over the Accounting Department.

That explains why all the funds got up and walked away.

... Hollywood called for the movie rights.

... the dog ate the crayons and the baby drank from the toilet.

...Melody Sue came by and took the keys to your truck.

... somebody else came in

...Peggy Sue got married

...your house/apartment/residence got rebooted and there is now a Taco Bell where you used to live.

As long as they serve chalupas, what the heck.

Oh, and the UPS guy brought a big box labeled "ExtenZe."

... Kent ate all the strawberries from the fruit platter.

the eagle decided NOT to land.

...cleome came by and borrowed your theremin, ukulele and marimba. She also wanted to know if you'd like a "Tom Jones Touched My Panties!" t-shirt.

...dingoes ate your baby.

...the war was won

...fourteen horses, ten goats, seven giraffes, six zebras, four elephants, three cocker spaniels, two flying lemurs and a wildebeest came by.

...I redecorated your office. Isn't the bright pink and yellow energizing?

...I saw dead people.

of the closet, you had a mad affair with Lance Bass ...

... I answered this investment opportunity from Nigeria for you.

... I sold the house and invested the money in GM.

I took a nap. You never stop talking when you're here!

Your grandson called. The one from 2082. He's invented time travel.

...my manboobs became sentient!

...lent Lardy that cute li'l "foundation garment" with the pink satin bows and the frothy peach lace. You never wear it anymore.

... George Perez, Steve Lightle, Arthur Adams, and Barry Kitson stopped by and gave sketches away to everyone here.

...you missed Cleome's birthday party.

...someone farted.

...and someone standing too close fainted.

...luckily there was a gallant gentleman there to catch her before she fell!

...a gallant-appearing gentleman stole your confidential files.

...the NSA called, requesting that you pay no attention to that decorative gourd hanging next to the laundry room door, even though nobody in the house admits to having placed it there.

...the FBI called, said they were out of gourds and could you please send that one to them, c/o Kitty's Go-Go Bar, Red Square, Moscow.

...Kitty called, from an Undisclosed Location, and said to tell you "So long, sucker!" (in Russian, of course).

The dust creatures under your bed achieved sentience...

... and are demanding their freedom.

...along with new suits and a case of smokes.

... the Space:1999 movie got the green light.

...but quickly went into turnaround when Angelina Jolie balked at wearing an orange-sleeved jumpsuit.

...but did adopt the entire nation of Rwanda.

...the bill came for that publicity stunt with Angelina and the Rwandan adoption. You better sit down before you open it.

... all the chair were repossessed.

...your doppelganger moved in. We like the doppelganger better.

...we replaced the fine coffee you normally serve with Dilithium Crystals. Let's see if your supper guests can tell the difference.

...Detective Wayne came to question you about your dead supper guests.

... Chris dropped by. Left a message that you missed a wonderful opportunity by being out.

...your desk was condemned by the Public Health Department.

...the first hint of Fall in the air arrived. I signed for it.

...your neighbor stopped by to borrow your adze. Since I had no idea what he was talking about, I gave him your sofa set and big screen.

...someone finished the coffee and didn't bother to start a new pot.

... someone adjusted the height of your chair

...someone signed you up for AOL.

...I used $200 from petty cash for pizzas for everybody (and a submarine sandwich for Quislet, Esq.).

...someone smothered Quis' sub in marinara sauce.

...teal became the new black, orange became the new teal and candy apple red was just kicked of the color wheel all together.

...PeeWee Herman became an approved cool Retro topic.

...Hollywood Squares is making a comeback as a TV show starring George W. Bush. Hijinks are sure to ensue.

Quote

Originally posted by Ram Boy:
...teal became the new black, orange became the new teal and candy apple red was just kicked of the color wheel all together.

...so you better rush home and change your clothes.

Someone stole all of your identities...

Ignore the new credit card bills...

Quote

Originally posted by Fat Cramer:
...so you better rush home and change your clothes.

As I was doing that yellow became the new black, teal, orange, red and green.

Yellow went out of style a half hour ago.

...we voted to have Naked Fridays.

...except for Lardy.

...I used my latest paycheck to buy everyone trendy new Fall clothes, and we all went to T.G.I.<strike>Fridays</strike> Klordny for cocktails, plus a bite of lunch.

...Fall fell on your property and is suing you.

... Madonna came back into the public eye, reinvented herself several times, then faded away again.

...the cops busted you for illegal possession of iguanas.

...I put away all the white shoes, since it's long past Labor Day.

...this thread wandered off to Page Five. I lured it back with the promise of chocolate-peppermint candies, so pony up!

.... trick-or-treaters came. I couldn't find the candy, so I gave them your eleven-year-old Scotch. Hope you don't mind.

...Cobalt Kid's eight children dropped in from the future and trashed your desk.

...Fart Girl left you a present.

...I took back that ladder you "borrowed" last spring. The gutters aren't gonna' clean themselves, you know.

...you were elected to bring muffins tomorrow.

...but the appliance repair man called and said your oven is toast, so you better plan on buying the muffins.

...your turkey leftovers went on a Zombie Turkey Rampage!!!

...your zombie Turkeys returned from wintering at their Caribbean condo. They asked if you'd soak your head in a Teriyaki marinade before going to sleep tonight.

....they retconned Jon Gosselin as your dad. Sorry about that.

...monkeys flew out of my butt!

... we rented your room out to a 41 year old bag lady.

...the Plantagenets lost the crown.

...the Leafs still suck.

...the dogs tipped over the trash again.

...you were traded to the Washington Redskins for a couple of pizzas and a subscription to ESPN magazine.

...we finally got stuffing, instead of potatoes!

...the cast of Glee has formed the new British government.

...I starred in a porn parody of the Adam West Batman series.

I punched a hole in the wall.

... Elton John went back in (the closet)

i farted on your pillow

...Starbucks raised their prices 947 times.

...3,217 manufactured, pointless celebrity 'scandals' were passed off as news stories.

....all of them involving Heidi Montag and plastic surgery.

...things got a tad expensive, for Heidi Montag at least.

...Heidi Montag got a federal bailout for her "too big to fail" plastic surgery.

...plastic surgery was outlawed in California.

...the Ghost of William Shakespeare successfully sued to Ghost of Leonard Bernstein over West Side Story.

...Legion v.6 #1 came out!!!!!!

...and was promptly sued by the Ghost of William Shakespeare.

...the Ghost of Jane Austen stopped by and farted in your tea pot.

...the Ghost of William Shakespeare settled out of court.

... the court fined the Ghost of Heidi Montag for contempt of court.

...Quislet became attorney general of Massachusetts.

I became Legion World's personal shopper!

...we dug a pit in your backyard and held a clambake.

I ate the last Dorito

...we shot a remake of the Elvis movie "Speedway" in your rec room.

I did a karaoke version of "Pants on the ground" that will now play non-stop in your room...

...the Lyle Waggoner nostalgia craze came and went.

...which prompted the "I Kissed Lyle" T-Shirt Corporation to close it's Legion World orifices.

...I bought safety pins and gave everyone's pants a long-overdue hemming.

...price hikes galore!

...but no wage hikes.

*HIC* I dranked all yer booze. *HIC*

Pluto regained planet status, but then was bumped down again.

...the market tanked yet again. Oh, except for grain alcohol futures. Those are doing mysteriously well.

...six became a prime number.

...and Superboy Prime finally got rid of that stoopid-a$$ mullet!

..."Lost" ended.

Bet you never thought Smoke Monster would turn out to be the Buddah.

I got a haircut!

...opportunity knocked. I told 'em you didn't want any.

...we painted the town red.

...the Ghost of Joe McCarthy left our red town in a snit.

...Godzilla stuck his head in the window and ate your desk.

we moved whats left of your desk to a new office, out the back and down the stairs

...you missed EDE's birthday party.

...I foreclosed on your mortgage.

...I fixed some rum fizzes. They were faaaaaabulous!

...somebody emptied your liquor cabinet.

...the corner stand sold out of fireworks.

... they remade "BJ and the Bear" starring Sarah Palin

Quote

Originally posted by SharkLad:
... they remade "BJ and the Bear" starring Sarah Palin

. . . starring John McCain as BJ.

Weeds grew up through the floorboards...

...they filmed an entire season of American Idol in your town.

I was in the audience for the entire season

...someone's penis got eradicated.

... we had to make do with store brand cola and stale cheez puffs.

...I started a new political movement.

...the Legion World National Soccer Team crushed Argentina in the World Cup quarterfinals.

...I threw some cheeseburgers on the grill!

...we did it in the road.

... I got you that hemorrhoid cream you were too embarrassed to buy

...I put out the recycling. It took about forty-five seconds for the bums to cart off all the beer bottles.

...I trained the Beer Bottle Relay Team for the 2010 Bum Olympics.

...avoided the alley-pissing contest for same.

I went through all of your papers looking for filthy secrets.

...Meatloaf sued Cobie.

...and we aren't talking about the singer.

...the slugs staged another raid on the garden, but I beat them back with a firehose full of Hamms™

...the Cylons decimated the Twelve Colonies. Again. Just because they could.

...Cream reformed and broke up again.

...A Flock of Seagulls were "in" for five minutes of retro-fame.

...The REO Speedwagon, Journey, Rush and Van Halen Tour rolled into town and will be playing at your local fairgrounds. Like the Eagles will be the opening act.

...I made a tidy sum selling super-deluxe earplugs to everyone within a 200 mile radius of the county fair.

...OM was nice to someone.

...I staged an office coup. You're fired.

...we volunteered you for the latrine cleaning crew for the rest of the millenium.

...your goldfish evolved and walked out.

...your evolved walking goldfish stole your girlfriend from you.

Quote

Originally posted by Chief Taylor:
...your evolved walking goldfish stole your girlfriend from you.

...while they danced the Tennessee Waltz.

...I slept through it all.

...We patented FC's "Sleep Through Anything" technique and made a fortune on the DVDs.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston got engaged ... and broke up again ...

we ran out of funyuns. Chaos ensued...

...we ran out of Funyons. Don't tell Lash!

...we somehow managed to run out of Funyons twice without anyone going to a grocery store inbetween.

...Mattropolis got caught (cough) *handling* everyone else's Giant-Sized Man-Thing #1s.

...we all got buffed and toned enough to wear that midriff-baring spandex number you designed for us. Yep, even the thigh-high boots looked great.

But of course, we all went to pot again right after the big Labor Day BBQ Blowout at the Tiki bar, so now it's back to "relaxed" denim cut-offs and trapeze dresses. Sorry.

...you became a dated cultural reference.

... someone else was elected paper monitor

...Keith Giffen killed Karate Kid three more times.

...television was replaced by smellovision.

...some man from Nantucket left a rude message.

...you got a ressurection notice.

...you also got ticketed for parking violations you racked up in your last life.

even your stalker got bored of waiting and picked a new victim.

...the stars got right.

H.P. Lovecraft was a prophet. Who knew?

I made a delicious lasagna

...which I greedily devoured.

Quote

Originally posted by Mattropolis:
even your stalker got bored of waiting and picked a new victim.

best post in recent memory!!!!

...I invented zero-calorie Triscuits™ and shipped a case of them to Quislet.

...we found numerous bites taken out of the Miracle Machine. Perp left some teeth for evidence.

...mall-ternative culture went out of fashion.

...I contemplated tacos for supper, but ended up going for BBQ instead.

The latest "Poo Poo Like a Choo-Choo" remix entered the Top 40 chart.

... I purged your enemies from the politburo. You are now free to assume total control of the state under your iron yoke.

...I discovered religion via cat hairball!

...I thought I had an epiphany while doing laundry, but it turned out I was just using a different detergent.

...Polka dots and Go-Go checks duked it out for world fashion supremacy.

...Uwe Boll made six more films based on video games.

...I split an awesome cheese sandwich with Rocky.

...the bass solo started.

..the Garish Thread redecorated your office.

...I only had to rewrite the same scene thirty-seven times (and counting). :rolleyes:

...they made a porn parody based on your life story.

...our green lizard overlords were looking for you.

...^^and we gave them your cell-phone and Facebook info.

a strange artifact turned us all into demons. Luckily, we are all normal again. Or are we?

...Outdoor Miner was tossed out of the Outdoor Miner Corps, replaced by the reanimated corpse of Roddy McDowall for eight issues, and finally won his title back by single-handedly defeating Placido Domingo and his plot to replace the entire OMC with Lite Beer drinkers.

...OM was rebooted yet again. All but the most devoted fans have pretty much given up on trying to remember what's still in continuity versus what's been summarily discarded.

...your wife suddenly and inexplicably became young and hot again even though she's still a granny in continuity!

...the newly rebooted Outdoor Miner ran off with your newly young and hot wife, and they took your Mercedes.

...the the newly rebooted Outdoor Miner and your newly young and hot wife, while driving you new Mercedes, were stopped by the newly-super-powered kids from Glee. Your Mercedes was no match for Super Mercedes Jones!

...Kesha ripped off the hook from "Poo Poo Like a Choo-Choo." Where's my lawyer?

...the cat got into the Time Bubble again and came home with another dead passenger pigeon.

...we had a great party! Where were you?

... the crows came.

...you've been edited out of Legion World continuity.

...worries that might actually happen

...the offending editors were sacked.

...I had my hair done over to look more like Barbara Bain's, c1976.

...I booked cleome, Martin Landau and the Harlem Globetrotters on a flight to Gilligan's Island.

...turned Gilligan's Island into a Tropical Resort

... I reorganized your sock drawer

...Prohibition made a brief comeback, but was repealed again 15 minutes later.

...Fanfie liked the 90s, for a brief moment.

okay, too far-fetched. I tried.

LOL

Actually, during the 90s, there was a brief moment when I thought the winds were starting to move in a more pleasing direction to me, when the first Garbage album came out. I heart that album, bless its little techno-rock heart, and Shirley Manson is my personal rock goddess.

Then, No Doubt's success eclipsed Garbage's, and things returned to the crappy status quo.

... I looked at some adult websites

...I watched Sharky watching adult websites

... I filed an order of protection against Matty

...I put Sharky's protection order with all the other ones...

[snip]

Quote

Originally posted by Fanfic Lass:

Then, No Doubt's success eclipsed Garbage's, and things returned to the crappy status quo.

No Doubt is one of those things that should be in a thread called, "Things I Don't Like, But I Can't Think Of A Good Reason Why."

Quote

Originally posted by cleome:
[snip]

Quote

Originally posted by Fanfic Lass:
[b]
Then, No Doubt's success eclipsed Garbage's, and things returned to the crappy status quo.

No Doubt is one of those things that should be in a thread called, "Things I Don't Like, But I Can't Think Of A Good Reason Why." [/b]

Well, for a band whose music is allegedly rooted in ska, their rhythm section is frankly appalling. Plus, there's Gwen Stefani, whose hiccupy vocals are an acquired taste at best (IMO like bad Lene Lovich karaoke), and who affects the most superficial aspects of alternative culture while staying tethered to her soul-killing suburban roots.

Anyhow, while you were out, Alanis Morrissette revealed herself as the Anti-Christ.

...the prodigal odd socks finally came home.

[snip]

Quote

Originally posted by Fanfic Lass:

Quote

Originally posted by cleome:
[b] [snip]

Quote

Originally posted by Fanfic Lass:
[b]
Then, No Doubt's success eclipsed Garbage's, and things returned to the crappy status quo.

No Doubt is one of those things that should be in a thread called, "Things I Don't Like, But I Can't Think Of A Good Reason Why." [/b]

Well, for a band whose music is allegedly rooted in ska, their rhythm section is frankly appalling. Plus, there's Gwen Stefani, whose hiccupy vocals are an acquired taste at best (IMO like bad Lene Lovich karaoke), and who affects the most superficial aspects of alternative culture while staying tethered to her soul-killing suburban roots.
[/b]

To me, they were always kind of just... there.

Of course, when Stefani pulled her racist "Harajuku Girl" shtick as a solo artist, I was relieved about never having liked her.

..Gwen Stefani joined Legion World as Harajuku Girl, but then quit after reading this thread.

...a longtime LW poster turned out to be an ID used by the duo Puffy AmiYumi when they're on the road. Without naming names, this LW ID pretends to be a sarcastic rock music snob who goes to a lot of comic cons.

...I lost a bet with Kent. I was sure that the band in question was X-Girl. I'm gonna' miss my '78 Dodge Dart and my complete run of US 1, let me tell you.

...all sorts of stuff happened. You better stay put for the rest of the day.

...we missed you.

(But now that you're back, we can aim better)

...we had chocolate silk pudding, with fresh whipped cream.

...we tried to settle the cake/pie debate, using your kitchen.

...an underground railroad sprung up to help cake escape from the clutches of the Pro-Pie Pogrom.

...I was out, too.

What? Noooooooo... you said you were going to shut the lights before you left.

<opens the door>

Oh, man... looks like the electric company is going to get a nice gift this month.

...we had a Broadway-themed sing-along. You wouldn't believe who knew the entire score to West Side Story!

...we had a gangsta rap sing-along. You wouldn't believe how ghetto Rocky and cleome could be!

...we had an all-eighties sing-along. You wouldn't believe who forgot the lyrics to Wang Chung's "Dance Hall Days".

...I bought a 12-pack of young coconut juice with pulp on sale. It's in the fridge.

We let Dr. Honeydew and Beaker use your attic for a bit.

You needed a new roof anyway.

...the LMB Players staged a production of Oklahoma!.

... I ate everything in the freezer

...the hash browns burned.

...cleome ate all the hash brownies.

The St. Louis Rams won a football game. Convincingly.

... the milkman ran off with Aunt May

...Glenn Beck ran out of Nazi comparisons.

...Mel Gibson invented three new expletives.

...OM's hedge fund <strike>scam</strike> busine$$ took off like

.

...Stan Lee admitted he created the DC Universe as well.

Rob Liefeld's left testicle exploded

...Nightcrawler shifted the focus of Legion World from Legion comics to classic French literature then shifted it back again due to all the Balzac jokes.

...Santa's beard sued Alan Moore's beard for copyright infringement!

... parachute pants came back in.

...the cats got out. Theres a dead bird in your bed.

... someTHING got in!

...Frusen Glädjé came back on the market, only now it's got a new name...

Click Here For A SpoilerHrista Spjóti!

Quote

Originally posted by cleome:
...Frusen Glädjé came back on the market, only now it's got a new name...

Click Here For A SpoilerHrista Spjóti!

... you'll never guess who came for dinner...

Col. Jack Oneil came by said something about needing your help with a time loop.

...Lady Gaga raided your closet for her next stage outfit

... William and Kate chose your backyard for their wedding in the spring.

...your plants were fed and your dog was watered.

... your dog was fed to your plants.

...the all-canine production of Little Shop of Horrors became the hottest new thing on YouTube!

PlantLad

... we remodeled your home. Take the blindfold off slowly .

...HAMP finally called. You're screwed. Better have Mom make up that spare room in time for Xmas.

:rolleyes:

...a partridge pooped in your pear tree.

... you got bed bugs.

...the ghost of Bessie Smith showed up to sing "Bed Bug Blues." It was pretty damn cool, let me tell you...

... an ancient EVIL came IN.

Col. Jack Oneil came by said something about needing your help with a time loop.

...we sent dedman out for more booze. None of us have any space left on our credit cards so we just gave him yours.

... I cancelled all my credit cards!

...your credit score, IQ and shoe size attained a state of equilibrium.

...I looked through your medicine cabinet. What's "Zovirax"?

... I painted your canary blue and green.

...I realized there was no Furball graemlin!

... I packed your bags and sent them to Timbucktoo (your new home).

... I watched all your Blue Ray movies back to back.

...someone replaced your Blu-ray with a death ray.

... all your relatives moved in.

...the temp agency [bleep]ed me out of this week's pay again!!

... I heard the owl say your name.

...stormtroopers killed your aunt and uncle.

... I drank all your booze.

...your friends all gathered for an intervention, but, when I explained to them you had a balance problem and always smelled like that, they left.

...I achieved perfect harmony and peace with the universe, then hocked it for ten dollars so I could afford to patch one of the tires on the Subaru.

... I sold your dogs into slavery.

...some clown with a creepy grin and green hair left you flowers.

...Shirley MacLaine helped me chat with Cesar Romero. He's been reincarnated as a studious young accounting major at a very good Mumbai all-girls' academy.

... Santa Clause left you something special.

Yes, he's a bit early this year as he has to leave for the Mayan Riviera on an awesome sell-off price he and Mrs. Claus just got last week.

...the Dark Circle bought the company and now we all have to wear purple robes. Oh, and they chose Freddy from the Mailroom as their first sacrifice.

...I partied like a rock star.

... opportunity came knocking at your front door ... but left right away because you weren't home. Ha!

...an alternate universe duplicate of you came in!

... we read all your mail.

...there were BLIZZARDS and SNOWDRIFTS and PENGUINS!

...the zombie apocalypse happened

...we did all your work. You're fired.

... someone came to your front door with a check for $1,000,000.00 but you weren't home, so they left.

...we made a list of new year's resolutions for you.

... we ate the paper that someone wrote your new year's resolutions on.

...we discovered that writing holiday thank-you notes using cracked-wheat toast in lieu of note paper is harder than we thought it would be.

... we painted everything in your house an electric blue colour.

Quote

Originally posted by future king:
... we painted everything in your house an electric blue colour.

...Including the pets!

... strange blue creatures resembling common household pets came looking for you claiming they were time-travelling decendants of your cat and dog.

...someone put chocolate in your peanut butter!

... someone put peanut butter in your chocolate.

... I was a Pepper. He was a Pepper. She was a Pepper. We were a Pepper. We thought you would have liked to have been a Pepper, too, but... eh, maybe next time.

...four of us went into a magical wardrobe where we discovered a magical land over which we reigned as kings and queens. Then someone got the bright idea to hunt this white stag.

...I ate all your food

...another damn fruitcake showed up in the mail.

...disco made a comeback.

... we sent all you best linen to the dry cleaners. You're welcome.

... invisible ninja robots stole your Christmas presents

...we auctioned off the Internet to Comcast, Verizon et al.

..Santa called to say that by the time he got to your place, a shot of whiskey would be nice.

...you were asked to take a "voluntary" furlough day.

Someone named Rip Hunter stopped by said he needed your help repairing time, called you "unreliable" and that he would have to get his Dad instead. He then left, He was very rude.

...someone outbid you on the Mayavale issue. Really.

... we sold your entire comic book collection for 10 cents each. You made a total of $26.10. You're welcome.

...the carolers showed up. I was miffed when they wouldn't sing "It's Christmastime In Hell" from South Park. No hot chocolate for THOSE amateurs! [scowl]

... evil elves came by and stole all your Christams decorations.

...the "liday" in your Happy Holidays light display burned out. The neighbors are signing a petition to have you shut down.

...but there have been a lot of men ringing your doorbell. They didn't look like UPS guys.

...I opened all your presents.

... I re-gifted all your presents! You're welcome.

...Santa ate all your cookies and milk. ALL of it!!!

...Judah Macabee and Dave the Thune stopped by to visit.

... and Horatio had another dream.

"Starship Troopers IV: There's a bug up your arse" was #1 at the box office...

I sold your cousins to Sklarian pirates. You're welcome!

...I got Lance in my pants.

...everyone else got three wishes granted by a genie. Poor time for you to have skipped out.

...someone loaded your pillow with farts.

...the last of all those worthless Nineties dot com stock certs finally found their rightful place in the incinerator.

... we traded all your stocks and bonds for a copy of the rare Giant-Sized X-Men #1 in mint condition.
You're welcome.

...I flew like an eagle to the sea.

...Lardy got sued for all the bird crap he dumped down n us along the way.

... went out with your sister, twice!

...the wonderful, wonderful Nightcrawler replaced ALL of us with Stepford Legion Worlders. Now we just LOVE baking him toll house cookies and performing site maintenance for days on end.

Would you like a toll house cookie and some site maintenance?

.... I got my nails done. Sixteen penny, eight penny, finishing nails, and some roofin' tacks.

...people >glared< at you.

...they put those "special herbs" in rickshaw1's iced tea again.

... Leon got LAAAAAAAAAAARGER!

...Apache Chief called and said he wanted his gimmick back.

...We decided to find out how much yuk Inyuk-chuk would chuck if Inyuk-chuk could chuck yuk.

...nothing happened. Why don't you go out again?

... we glued all your furniture to the ceiling.

...somebody snorted all your talcum powder. Good luck with your junk sweating tomorrow.

... we washed all you walls and scrubbed your toilets. It's a new year's gift. You're welcome.

...time rebooted. We're back to 1-1-11.

... Anderson Cooper did a story on your disappearance

...somebody hot that you were really interested in was here wanting to have sex with you. Ended up leaving with your best friend instead.

... we let all the air out of your tires, including the spare.

...I made a New Years resolution to give up junk food, filthy daydreams, cheap booze, and posting on Legion World...

...and now that I'm dead of sheer boredom, you inherit 79 cents and two slightly scratched 101 Strings LPs. Enjoy!

...someone set off a dirty bomb.

... and her name was Betty. Nothin' like a "Dirty" Bomb ooozin' luv, ya'll.

... Linda Evans called, she wants the shoulder pads back that she lent you in the 80's.

... I gnarfled the Garthog!

... George W. Bush and Dick Cheney finally got married

Quote

Originally posted by SharkLad:
... George W. Bush and Dick Cheney finally got married

...I was singing back-up vocals at the wedding reception, and I saw Quis catch the bouquet!

... we ate all your chocolate chip cookies.

...we drew names for next year's Secret Santa. You got the LMBP Spectre.

... I put a extra-special surprise under your bed.

...the winter dingleberry crop was harvested and a dingleberry basket delivered to you. (I left it in your playroom!)

... we cleaned out all the fuzzy things from our navels.

It was announced that "The Chuck Taine Show" is coming this fall to the OWN network (Oprah's channel)

... cleome got a gig singing the national anthem at the 2012 Republican Party Convention

... we did your taxes for you so now you don't have that to worry about this new year. Aren't we just the bestest of friends?

...keep in mind that while we were filling out your tax form, we guessed at everything. You have 120 dependents and a take home pay of 72 golden apples.

......and I.R.S. agents came by looking for you, said they would be back and for you not to leave the country.

...the new Republican representatives called to say they'd chosen you as their scapegoat-of-the-month. Then the Democrats called with the same message.

...polyester bell bottoms came back in style.

... your maid and butler just up and quit on you. They kept insisting they were your "mom" and "dad". Yeah, right!

...sentient poop came for a visit. They touched everything.

... we missed you so much we decided to throw a party.

...can you clean it up when you get back?

...hilarity ensued!

... the County came by and said that your house was built on a old pet cemetery better watch what you plant.

...we took all your pristine Star Wars action figures out of their boxes and let the puppy chew on them.

... something that looked like a Monkey's Paw "walked" into your home. It's waiting for you in your basement.

...the Grinch stole Christmas.

cleome usurped the title "The Happiest Person On Legion World™" from Deliriously Happy Lad. He's really pissed about it too.

... we threw rocks at your rock garden.

...we decided you need to wear an outfit just like Gravity Kid's. We switched out all your clothes.

...but don't worry. We also fitted your flight ring with a micro-sized space heater, so you'll never need feel the chill of winter no matter where you're <strike>entertaining the troops</strike> rushing into pitched battle with evil.

... we watered all of your backyard plants, fruits and vegitables. What, it's winter and everything's frozen and covered with snow? Oh sorry about that!

...it snowed Oyster crackers and Cheez-Its™!

... we ate that extra large pizza you ordered. *burp*

...there were boobs. Lots and lots and lots and lots of boobs. Like REALLY lots and lots and lots and lots of boobs. Like REALLY, REALLY lots and lots and lots and lots of boobs. Like REALLY, REALLY, REALLY lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots.....

... the words "boobs" and "really" were removed from the English language temporarily due to overuse.

...and replaced with "el" and "chupacabras".

...future king built an awesome sculpture in the front yard from all the leftover Oyster crackers and Cheez-Its.

Then the crows and squirrels came.

Also Cows came by with "Eat more Chicken" signs.

after which Disney style mayhem ensued.

... I made all the neighbourhood squirrels and crows throw up their last meals.

...Quis would NOT stop talking about his damn goatee!!

...so for a joke we got Quis a goat, and now we're keeping it in your room.

... we finally decided to crown Future King, and just call him King from now on.

... you missed my positively self-indulgent royal inauguration as the king of, well, everything!

...we all got Thank You notes from <strike>future</strike> King for the lovely gifts we brought to his coronation.

... the Steelers secretly stole the Superbowl.

...future king was drafted by the newest NFL franchise, the Legion World Schnauzers.

... Ram Boy was granted the procognative abilities of the Oracle Of Delphi and Dream Girl (but with 100% accuracy).

...I posted almost seventy times before running out of coffee!

... we started renovating your main bathroom but had to stop while in the middle of ripping up your toilet because we ran out of sealer.
We'll be back tomorrow ... use the kitty litter box in the meantime ok?

Justin Bieber wore a Members Only jacket on Live with Regis & Kelly... it's now the official jacket of the US military...

... we turned your home into a brothel.

...future king became The King of Wishful Thinking. (he tells himself he's over us)

...the Grammies mattered for once!

just kidding. it'll never happen.

...we had your name legally changed to Wilma.

...we took out your brakes. You have to use your feet instead! Hope you got a good callous built up!

... we cooked a lot of fish. We opened all the windows in the house but, well it's bad. Let's just put it that way.

... thousands of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwiches were dropped on NYC's Times Square

Quote

Originally posted by SharkLad:
... thousands of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwiches were dropped on NYC's Times Square

... we sprayed all your clothes with Estee Lauder 'Beautiful' perfume. It's nice.

...we traded your car for a lifetime supply of prunes and string cheese.

... we called your bosses and told them you were going on an "extended vacation".

Quote

Originally posted by Kent Shakespeare:
...the Grammies mattered for once!

just kidding. it'll never happen.

...Esperanza Spalding kicked Justin Bieber's butt at the Grammys. Her town of origin/My town of residence is pleased.

^^Got to say the Grammies actually made some halfway decent choices for once.

^^
^^

One of Bieber's whiny fans apparently vandalized Spalding's Wiki for a few hours with such clever put-downs as "Go die in a hole" earlier this week.

Stay classy, Bieber-ites. :rolleyes:

... We started a new Justin Bieber fan club.

...I painted all the electric fans to match the drapes.

...I made playclothes for the children out of the old drapes.

...VaGaga became my new favorite word for it.

... we devoured the last of the chocolate cake and drank up all of your orange soda.

... I did NOT stop by the "spa" on the interstate not far from my home. I don't relish bein' skinned by mah wife.

...we raised $3.18 in the collection to buy rickshaw1 a back-up skin. Just in case.

... we invested in a new road-side Spa that specializes in a unique rickshaw1-inspired Relish spread as a lubricant.
Makes your skin feel silky smooth ... your wife will love it!

... everybody went in

...we changed the locks.

... i banned my wife from this thread.

Quote

Originally posted by rickshaw1:
... i banned my wife from this thread.

...I started my own business running a food cart that specializes in Philly cheesesteaks.

... I bought up all of Cleome's first fresh batch of Philly cheesesteaks!

... my wife didn't make me popcorn. She better be dang glad there was peanut butter in the house.

...pogs became sought-after again!

... the golden girls came back to life and opened up a bikini shop. People everywhere started to

... we had a wine and BEAN party. Sorry about the smell.

...the door was left open and some flies came in.

... I posted a bunch more.

... Rick took all your posts and added them to his own.

. . . life as we know it evolved into the next plane of reality.

...Mrs. Albatross pooped on your car.

... we couldn't find anything decent to eat, so we ate your neighbours.

...we took a field trip to Kentucky. Here's a souvenir enameled thimble. They were sold out of souvenir enameled spoons.

... we made you lots of jam in assorted fruit. Your kitchen looks like ass, but hey you're welcome.

...the "Beware the Octopi" story actually happened.

... Rocky served up a delicious lemon/oil and oregano octopus appetizer. Mmmmmm.... yummy!

...247 Ways To Cook With The LMB debuted on the Food Network. So far they've only ordered six eps, but we'll see...

... liberals and rednecks mated, creating the first ever reberals.

...afternoon naps became the law of the land.

...I hit a Koch brother in the face with a pie. It was awesome.

I practiced some golf. Getting good with a seven Iron, still suck at hitting the driver well. If he would quit driving the cart so fast, it wouldn't be so hard to hit him.

I hit a birdie. Think it was a pigeon.

Quote

Originally posted by rickshaw1:
I hit a birdie. Think it was a pigeon.

I could see the "killed a bird golfing" joke coming a mile away!

... Rick used your golf clubs as projectiles of death for all the local bird species.

... I didn't go'ah huntin' with mah trusty shotghun!

...it was the dog that made that smell.

Quote

Originally posted by Tempest:
...it was the dog that made that smell.

sure, sure!

... My dog did a poop that smelled like roses. True that!

...we celebrated yet another insurance hike by TP-ing a CEO's house. Slipping under the electrified fence and outrunning the attack dogs at our age was no mean feat, either.

...the gang came over and we made fudge. Shame we ate it all.

...I went on Craigslist and traded Rocky's secret fudge recipe for that WACOM pad I've been coveting since about 2007.

... sold your bed on ebay

... we put the bed on Ebay right next to your entire life's worth of Legion comics collection.

...But it's okay, because we found you a replacement bunk in a mothballed battleship not far from Discovery Bay. All you have to do is hitchhike out there and collect it!

... we put your money where my mouth is.

...so your money is in a liver and grapefruit smoothie.

... we expelled the new liver and grapefruit smoothie via violent projectile vomitting.

... we were expelled from school.

...Charlie Sheen had a another career comeback and yet another fall from grace.

...I gave all your lottery winnings to my favorite charity. You're sad now, but think of 2012's tax write-off! Not to mention all the swanky benefit dinners you'll get to attend for free!

... I ran naked through the halls of LMB headquarters

... I had to wash my eyes out with acid after seeing Shark Lad pasty white posterior running down the LMB hallway.

...I bought Future King a seeing eye dog because he blinded himself with acid.^

... Rick created about 35 new threads

...and spammed them all.

... we were visited by ..... THREAD HIJACKER!!!

... THREAD HIJACKER became the buzzword of the month.

...we waxed your sports car-- with Turtle... soup!!

... I cried just a little bit {cried jsut a little bit..}

... rickshaw1 sat on your freshly baked flan.

... we talked about you.

... we asked that they remove your name from the list. Now you have nowhere to sit!

... we had a deep, philosophical discussion about the id, ego, and superego as it pertains to Calvin and Hobbes.

...we declared rickshaw the superego of the LMB.

... it was proven that Rickshaw1 is a supereggo???

Biggest waffler ever!

... Legion Tracker used his mutant tracking skills and followed you to that all night " warehouse" ... understand you had to "use the phone" there again.

...we visited with SuperEggo and his sister, Sandy.

... someone slept in your bed

... someone "slept" in your bed.

...something under the bed started drooling.

...the bed said to hell with it and left.

... my grammaticalin' gots beddah.

... we still could not decypher any of your posts in the past 2 weeks Rick.

BWWAAAAAHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

... the toilet got clogged

... I stopped by and clogged your toilet again. Just because.

...we had chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream.

I beboped a rebop on a treetop.

... I adopted Rickshaw1's way of speakin'. Just waiting for the authorization to arrive.

... it came in the mail.

... I waited and waited, and waited some more. I ain't waitin' anymore!!

...i did not have green eggs and ham, and I am not Sam. But my son is.

... Rick wrote a new children's book.

...beehive hairdos made a comeback.

... I convinced my wife to have a beehive hairdo. Wasn't hard, now she gets to wear shocking red lipstick and all the leopard print she can layer on. Just need them horn-rimmed glasses now.

... the bride of Frankenstein came looking for her husband.

...I came, I saw, I conquered, then I got tired of waiting for you and left.

p.s. I fed your cat.

... Legion Tracker came to your house and took your entire collection of LSH comics to sell on Ebay.

...I got the candidates of my choice to win, using only sheer force of will!

...I vacuumed, so wipe your feet before coming in here.

... I took the contents of your vaccuum and dumped them on the floor. Just because.

...Fanfie and I overthrew ourselves in a coup d'état, but then we got bored, so we restored ourselves.

...the chickens came home to roost and the swallows came back to Capistrano.

...the roosters came back to chick and the Capistranans came home to swallow.

...I drank the last of the bourbon lemonade. Don't worry. I'll make more.

.... I went shoppingfor Gu chocolate and sour cherry cokies. Want one?

... I let your cat and the neighbour's dog mix it up a little in your backyard.

...we watered your pool.

(Did you ever notice the word "pool" starts with "pee?")

...a big time Hollywood producer wanted to pay an OBSCENE amount of money to film a part of his new blockbuster in your garage, but I told him you preferred your privacy so he should just stuff his wads of 10,000 dollar bills up his stupid butt!

You're welcome.

... I took all the pits out of your peaches.

...and stuck your peaches in his pits.

... Legion Tracker used "pits" and "peaches" as metaphors for other more interesting items.

...New Federal regulations caused us to go a full 24 hours without indulging in any innuendo, or else face heavy fines. It was HORRIBLE! [cries]

... my entire family was sick. But not me.

... I ran to the corner drug store and got Rick's family lots of cold-combatting stuff.

...DC fixed all the problems with that "damned" Legion collection and gave us all copies for free!

...the Easter Bunny called and wants you to color 100 dozen more eggs...pronto!

...I got a new gig as announcer for the local roller derby. Tune in next Saturday!

... we had to break the bad news to Cleome that a roller derby has absolutely nothing to do with the Bay City Rollers.

...we burst into a spontaneous rendition of the "Hallelujah" chorus.

Quote

Originally posted by Rockhopper Lad:
...we burst into a spontaneous rendition of the "Hallelujah" chorus.

Well, not because you were out. Not really. Sort of.

...I sang a duet with Rebecca Black. "Sexual Healing"?!?!

... Rickshaw1 tried to start a BBQ so he could roast his pig (yes, I did just say that), but instead he caused your house to burn down.
Sorry about that. I told you that you should invest in a new hose.

...future king called you a hoser.

... Legion Tracker professed his love of hose (in all its many forms).

Quote

Originally posted by Legion Tracker:
...future king called you a hoser.

TAKE OFF EH!

Quote

Originally posted by future king:
... Legion Tracker professed his love of hose (in all its many forms).

Did not.

;-p

Oh yeah?? What about pantyhose?

ok, maybe not, but STILL!

Nope.

I like garden hoes.

... L.T. bought all the garden hoses he could and now he's selling them on Kijiji with a 400% markup.

...the Vice Squad arrested L.T.'s garden hoes.

...the sun came out for a whole day, and my allergies came back with a vengeance.

Nothing's free, I guess.

Quote

Originally posted by Kent Shakespeare:
...the Vice Squad arrested L.T.'s garden hoes.

... we replaced all your healthy grass with fresh dandylions. You're welcome.

...I fixed dandelion wine and morning-glory cake.

DoctorMayavale

... bellbottoms came back in

...and bell jars became this season's decorative must-have!

... we ate all your best cookies.

...we had those "dinosaur bones" you found in the backyard appraised. They're actually the remains of a standing rib roast that Pickles buried last Christmas. Total retail value: 42 cents (U.S.)

...just for kicks, we also had some Chinese slavers appraise you based on your high school year book photo.

You owe them $500.00.

... Someone tossed an empty beer bottle through your front livingroom window.
Ouch!

...they decided to print all the little "ms" on M&Ms upside down.

...I teleported to Canada and had brunch with Fat Cramer. We saved you some scones and blackcurrant jam.

... I was offended that the above mentioned parties' party did not include me.

... ''Law & Order: Legion World'' was nominated for an Emmy award for best spin-off

...said award rested on my mantle,
now it rests on the bottom of Lake Michigan.

Quote

Originally posted by future king:
... I was offended that the above mentioned parties' party did not include me.

You shouldn't be so sensitive, Babe. Sometimes the ladies just like to <strike>plot</strike> talk amongst ourselves.

Lash removed every single post he's ever made...

I foofied on your pillows.

...DC canceled everything that didn't have Batman in it. :rolleyes:

Quote

Originally posted by Pov:
I foofied on your pillows.

...the word "foofie" was officially defined to mean "fluff".

... we re-examined the usefulness of the words "foofie" and "fluff". The jury's still out.

...we listened to the Black Sabbath instrumental "Fluff" over and over and over. Those funny cigarettes had nothing to do with it.

...DC revived and rebooted everything that didn't have Batman in it. Then canceled it all again after five issues.

(Even Green Lantern?)

...we made a fleet of paper jets out of everything James Robinson has written for the past five years.

...did you pick up the milk and diapers?

... the kids pooped all over the floor (no diapers, thanks a lot!) and then went to bed hungry (no milk, you lowlife!).

...did you forget the #@%&@^* toilet paper too???

... the toilet paper companies sent an emergency shipment to all the local grocery stores and supermarkets in your neighbourhood.

To top up supples and also to avoid the Wrath Of Legion Tracker!!! <insert dramatic music>

...we were attacked by flying lemurs and your office is a wreck.

Pendulum Power came into existence.

...we all decided we wanted you to dance for us.

...Rocky got jiggy with it.

...Jerry got down and funky with his bad self.

...Lash started a new crush.

...our scrotums got heavy..

... I had a scrotum reduction. Now I only get Juggy with it.

. . . I asked Juggy to bring Betty and Veronica over for a date.

... they called me "Moose".

. . . I told Moose to invite Ethel.

... Eye "see" what you did there, Ethel.

..Ethel brought Dilton and Midge along.

. . . Dilton and Midge hooked up.

...Moose got jealous and took it out on Reggie. Oddly, it turned out in quite a different way!

...the Choklit Shop was renamed Nine Planets and got sued by Time-Warner.

... Mr. Lodge's army of lawyers sued back.

...flying lemurs attacked

... (again!) Power Boy rang the WOODCHUCKS to come CHUCK some lemur nass.

...the woodchucks got held up in traffic, so you'd better go out again.

... but just when you thought it was safe...

...lemurs and woodchucks teamed up to take down the sloths. It wasn't a hard job.

...the postman rang twice.

...bills arrived twice

...aliens left blueprints for the new arc on the kitchen table.

...I finished the ice cream. The carton is still in the freezer.

. . . the Phantom Zone villains carried out their plot to destroy the Legion.

...I made lunch!

...I dismantled all the Customer Service cubicles and reassembled them in the Executive parking lot. Just because.

...the boss came by. We told him you usually did take 3-hour lunches.

...I broke the coffee pot and had to substitute the janitor's bucket instead. (Mmmm... PineSol™ flavored French Roast...)

... I ate all the dumplings.

...a frenchman pfharted en yer geniral direczion!

... I replaced my entire wardrobe!

Every one had ear lobe elongation surgery. It's the new fad.

... I redecorated the entire clubhouse.

... we buried the body.

...someone came in and beat me up with a duct taped dildo

... we hid the duct tape.

...another actor was hired to play you.

...the Valkries rode by

... I lost 20 pounds.

...I learned Mandarin.

... I gained my 20 pounds back!

...almost two years has passed.

... discovered I'm a robot. to put it politely.

...I started collecting funds for the Fat Tuesday party next week. Don't forget to contribute before week's end!

... I had an affair.

...somebody paid too much for their muffler.

... the ceiling collapsed

..,Sally Brown moved into your room.

... I hacked into your Facebook account and posted naked pictures of you dancing in your room

*quickly checks to see if Ibby didnt upload the embarrassing snapshot of me from the Christmas party*

**sends Indian Lad's pics to the LMB Enquirer

I'm ruined!

... I went back in the closet.

Originally Posted by Indian Lad

I'm ruined!

Actually, I think those pics have made you a star!

Will I at least be in the next issue of Legion World Hustler?

On the cover, baby!

It features a portion which you can scratch off with your finger...

... Colossal Boy farted.

... and brought the house down

... you could at least have bought extra milk.

...another B-List celeb stuck their foot in it and got roasted online for a week.

(Yes, we're all simply shocked about it.)

... grandma didn't answer my call, AGAIN

...I brushed the cat, trimmed his claws, and made him a major star on YouTube.

... a bat flew through the window!

oh wait, that was when Alfred Pennyworth was out

...all the absent LMB posters showed up in the chat box at once, broke it, and scurried away in embarrassment... never to be seen again.

Come back, Posters! Come back!!

It's okay! We have board insurance!

... I unfriended 75% of the people I know on Facebook, legit. Most of those are in the Philippines, we hardly ever talk, and half of those are definitely homophobic and racist. I can't risk the other half, as one wrong person says something and my parents will die of shame, or so they said

Originally Posted by cleome55

Come back, Posters! Come back!!

It's okay! We have board insurance!

...I reiterated Cleome's statement -- COME BACK, PLEASE!

... I had cleome;s statement tattooed on my chest!

...I admired Ibby's new look, but in a polite and hopefully non-creepy way.

... thanks cleome for her sincere compliments

...the cat brought home another dead last-of-its-particular-endangered species. Please visit us in jail when you can.

… someone made a big mess in the bathroom!

... all the electrical appliances came to life and we only just managed to subdue them and save humanity...which explains all the damage to your stuff...

...some damn celebrity or another had a birthday or divorce or new face or something. I dunno'. I can barely keep track of what I had for lunch yesterday, so you can't expect me to keep track of that nonsense, too.

... another celebrity got slapped by yet another celebrity, whoop de doo!

...I realized that the previous two posts prove that I have prognosticator's gifts!

... I misread that as Procrastinator for some reason

*yells at husband to ask if he finally remembered to call his mom*

... your mom called, concerned about you never calling her. I said that was just typical of you, and that I was available for adoption any time she wanted to trade you in.

... my dad called, asking me to talk to my mom, as she was sick with worry and would not stop talking about me, and would not give him a moment's peace, especially after he said I was a grown man and should be set loose...

...I found a live tree frog in the to-go salad bag again. I really should get back to just buying whole lettuce heads.

... I had a party, but don't worry, I cleaned up!

...I made yet another horrible pun.

Originally Posted by cleome55

...I found a live tree frog in the to-go salad bag again. I really should get back to just buying whole lettuce heads.

Lettuce do just that.

.. you were out.
And while you were in, you were in.
And while you were only half way out,
you were letting in a draught, so shut the bloomin' door in future and make up yet mind!

...I started a new dance craze that is sweeping the nation.

... I hurt my back, but the masseuse magically made it better again!

...nothing good came of it.

… I drank all the beer