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Chicken Cordon Blues- Steve Goodman

When I first met you baby, you fed me on chicken and wine.
It was steak and potatoes and lobster and babe I sure felt fine.
But now all you ever give me is seaweed and alfalfa sprouts
And sunflower seeds and I got my doubts -
Babe, you left me here with the Chicken Cordon Bleus.

My stomach's so empty and all I got is food for thought.
And I been sittin' here thinkin' 'bout the twenty lbs. of groceries we bought.
We bought ten lbs. of brown rice and five more of beans
And five pounds of Granola and you know what that means,
I'm just a regular fella with the Chicken Cordon Bleus.

Now won't you play me them fat licks!

You know, I'm starved for affection and babe, I can take no more.
You know this stuff is so weird that the cockroaches moved next door.
Babe, can you see that old dog, he's out in the street
He's got a big smile on his face 'cause they let him meat.
And babe I got the lemon and the Chicken Cordon Bleus!

Babe, I'm goin down to the bakery
And I'm going to find me a jelly roll
And some cannoli.
Some French pastry.
A chocolate éclair don't sound too bad.
How about some lasagna ?
You know fat is where it's at.
My shadow disappears ...

Do you fap as well, Davey Fairplay?

Have you ever seen such a thick "udder"?

All right, guys... we're now at the one hour mark.

I know that sun's hot... in fact, I think Davey might actually be going a bit heat-crazy with all the singing I hear.

How about a nice, ice-cold six-pack of Silverale to cool off? I hear it goes great with Cheez-its.

If anyone wants to drop out... it's yours.

- Everyone's A Little Bit Racist
"Avenue Q"

Princeton:
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?

Kate Monster:
Sure!

Princeton:
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?

Kate Monster:
Uh huh.

Princeton:
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster.

Kate Monster:
Right.

Princeton:
You're both Monsters.

Kate Monster:
Yeah.

Princeton:
Are you two related?

Kate Monster:
What?! Princeton, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!

Princeton:
Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking!

Kate Monster:
Well, it's a touchy subject.
No, not all Monsters are related.
What are you trying say, huh?
That we all look the same to you?
Huh, huh, huh?

Princeton:
No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry,
I guess that was a little racist.

Kate Monster:
I should say so. You should be much more
careful when you're talking about the
sensitive subject of race.

Princeton:
Well, look who's talking!

Kate Monster:
What do you mean?

Princeton:
What about that special Monster School you told me about?

Kate Monster:
What about it?

Princeton:
Could someone like me go there?

Kate Monster:
No, we don't want people like you-

Princeton:
You see?!

You're a little bit racist.

Kate Monster:
Well, you're a little bit too.

Princeton:
I guess we're both a little bit racist.

Kate Monster:
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...

Princeton:
But I guess it's true.

Kate Monster:
Between me and you,
I think

Both:
Everyone's a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.

Princeton:
Now not big judgments, like who to hire
or who to buy a newspaper from -

Kate Monster:
No!

Princeton:
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican
busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!

Kate Monster:
Right!

Both:
Everyone's a little bit racist
Today.
So, everyone's a little bit racist
Okay!
Ethinic jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They're based on truth.
Don't take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them -
So relax!

Princeton:
All right, stop me if you've heard this one.

Kate Monster:
Okay!

Princeton:
There's a plan going down and there's only
one paracute. And there's a rabbi, a priest...

Kate Monster:
And a black guy!

Gary Coleman:
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Kate?

Kate Monster:
Uh...

Gary Coleman:
You were telling a black joke!

Princeton:
Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.

Gary Coleman:
I don't.

Princeton:
Well, of course you don't - you're black!
But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?

Gary Coleman:
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!

Princeton:
Now, don't you think that's a little racist?

Gary Coleman:
Well, damn, I guess you're right.

Kate Monster:
You're a little bit racist.

Gary Coleman:
Well, you're a little bit too.

Princeton:
We're all a little bit racist.

Gary Coleman:
I think that I would
Have to agree with you.

Princeton/Kate Monster:
We're glad you do.

Gary Coleman:
It's sad but true!
Everyone's a little bit racist -

All right!

Kate Monster:
All right!

Princeton:
All right!

Gary Coleman:
All right!
Bigotry has never been
Exclusively white

All:
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
Even though we all know
That it's wrong,
Maybe it would help us
Get along.

Princeton:
Oh, Christ do I feel good.

Gary Coleman:
Now there was a fine upstanding black man!

Princeton:
Who?

Gary Coleman:
Jesus Christ.

Kate Monster:
But, Gary, Jesus was white.

Gary Coleman:
No, Jesus was black.

Kate Monster:
No, Jesus was white.

Gary Coleman:
No, I'm pretty sure that Jesus was black-

Princeton:
Guys, guys...Jesus was Jewish!

Brian:
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

Gary Coleman:
Racism!

Brian:
Cool.

Christmas Eve:
BRIAN! Come back here!
You take out lecycuraburs!

Princeton:
What's that mean?

Brian:
Um, recyclables.
Hey, don't laugh at her!
How many languages do you speak?

Kate Monster:
Oh, come off it, Brian!
Everyone's a little bit racist.

Brian:
I'm not!

Princeton:
Oh no?

Brian:
Nope!

How many Oriental wives
Have you got?

Christmas Eve:
What? Brian!

Princeton:
Brian, buddy, where you been?
The term is Asian-American!

Christmas Eve:
I know you are no
Intending to be
But calling me Oriental -
Offensive to me!

Brian:
I'm sorry, honey, I love you.

Christmas Eve:
And I love you.

Brian:
But you're racist, too.

Christmas Eve:
Yes, I know.
The Jews have all
The money
And the whites have all
The power.
And I'm always in taxi-cab
With driver who no shower!

Princeton:
Me too!

Kate Monster:
Me too!

Gary Coleman:
I can't even get a taxi!

All:
Everyone's a little bit racist
It's true.
But everyone is just about
As racist as you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
And everyone stopped being
So PC
Maybe we could live in -
Harmony!

Christmas Eve:
Evlyone's a ritter bit lacist!

Foxy, didn't you pay a huge amount for some Silverale in the auction?

By mu luxurient, furry tail! What does that have to do with LardLad's udder?

And, Jeff, you will have to offer something much better than silverale to lure me from my perch!

Perhaps a beautiful replica flight ring?

You might think- The Cars

You might think i'm crazy
to hang around with you
maybe you think i'm lucky
to have something to do
but i think that you're wild
and inside me is some child
you might think it's foolish
or maybe it's untrue
you might think i'm crazy
but all i want is you

you might think it's hysterical
but i know when you're weak
you think you're in the movies
and everything's so deep
but i think that you're wild
when you flash that fragile smile
you might think it's foolish
what you put me through
you might think i'm crazy
but all i want is you

and it's so hard to take
there's no escape without a scrape
you kept it going till the sun fell down
you kept it going

you might think i'm delirious
the way i run you down
but somewhere sometime
when you're curious
i'll be back around
and i think that you're wild
and so uniquely styled
you might think it's foolish
this chancey rendezvous
you might think i'm crazy
but all I want is you

We don't get much in the way of musicals round here, unfortunately. I can't remember the last one I saw.

That is supposed to be music coming from Davey? I thought that was the mating call of the raccoon.

***foxlike confusion***

Bohemian Rhapsody
Words and music by freddie mercury

Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
Im just a poor boy,i need no sympathy-
Because Im easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,doesnt really matter to me,
To me

Mama,just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger,now hes dead,
Mama,life had just begun,
But now Ive gone and thrown it all away-
Mama ooo,
Didnt mean to make you cry-
If Im not back again this time tomorrow-
Carry on,carry on,as if nothing really matters-

Too late,my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Bodys aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-Ive got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
I dont want to die,
I sometimes wish Id never been born at all-

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico-
But Im just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
Hes just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me-

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can love me and leave me to die-
Oh baby-cant do this to me baby-
Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here-

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters-,nothing really matters to me,

Any way the wind blows....

I did do "Guys and Dolls" and "West Side Story" in high school, though.

Is that a humanoid sexual innuendo?

Ex, I wonder how many people are watching THIS round.

Family Tradition
Hank Williams Jr.

Country music singers have always been a real close family
But lately some of my kin folks have disowned a few others and me
I guess its because I kinda changed my direction
Lord, I guess I went and broke their family tradition

They get on me, wanna know
Hank, why do you drink
Hank, why do you roll smoke
Why must you live out the songs that you wrote
Over and over everybody made my prediction
So if I get stoned I'm just carryin on an old family tradition

I am very proud of my Daddy's name
Although his kinda music and mine ain't exactly the same
Stop and think it over, put yourself in my position
If I get stoned and sing all night long
It's a family tradition

So don't ask me, Hank, why do you drink
Hank, why do you roll smoke
Why must you live out the songs that you wrote
If I'm down in a honkytonk
Some old slicks tryin to give me friction
I say leave me alone I'm singin all night long
It's a family tradition

Whooo

Lordy, I have loved some ladies
And I have loved Jim Beam
And they both tried to kill me in 1973
And when that doctor asked me
Son, how did you get in this condition
I said, hey, sawbones I'm just carryin on
An old family tradition

So don't ask me, Hank, why do you drink
Hank, why do you roll smoke
Why must you live out the songs that you wrote
Stop and think it over
Try and put yourself in my unique position
If I get stoned and sing all night long
It's just a family tradition

And what exactly is this "Dirty Sanchez" I have heard of?

< clears throat >

La la la...

Believe it or not... nobody but us!!! I think we scared them off with this insanity.

Sit Down Your Rocking the boat
From the musical Guys and Dolls


Nicely-Nicely:
I dreamed last night I got on the boat to heaven,
And by some chance I had brought my dice along,
And there I stood,
And I hollered,
"Some one save me,"
but the passengers they knew right from wrong.
For the people all said,
"Sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat."

Chorus:
People all said,
"Sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat."

Nicely Nicely:
And the devil will drag you under,
By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat,
"Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,"

Chorus:
"Sit down you're rockin' the boat."

Nicely Nicely: Chorus:
I sailed away on that little boat to heaven, Ooooooh,
And by some chance found a bottle in my fist, Ooooooh.
And there I stood,
Nicely passing out the whiskey,
But the passengers were bound to resist. Ooooooh.
For the people all said, People all said,
"Beware, you're on a heavenly trip." "Beware, beware"
People all said, People all said,
"Beware, you'll scuttle the ship" "Beware."
And the devil will drag you under, Sit down, sit
By the fancy tie 'round your wicked throat,
"Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down "Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down
Sit down you're rockin' the boat" Sit down you're rockin' the boat"
Down
And as I laughed at those passengers to heaven, Oooooh.
Ha ha ha!
A great big wave came and washed me overboard, Oooooh
And as I sank,
And I hollered,
"Someone save me"
That's the moment I woke up, Oooooh
Thank the Lord! Thank the Lord, thank the Lord!
And I said to myself, Said to myself,
"Sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat." "Sit down, sit down"
Said to myself, Said to myself,
"Sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat." "Sit down"
And the devil will drag you under, And the devil will drag you under,
With a soul so heavy you'd never float,
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down you're rockin' the boat. Sit down you're rockin' the boat.
Chorus:
Sit down you're rockin',
Sit down you're rockin'
Sit down you're rockin' the boat,
Sit down you're rockin',
Sit down you're rockin'
Sit down you're rockin' the boat,
Nicely Nicely: Chorus:
Sit down! Sit down, you're rockin' the boat!

Foxy, who are you directing that question to?

Anyone? Perhaps Davey will snap out of his delirium long enough to answer?

I've never heard of a "Dirty Sanchez," and don't hate me because I have a joyous soul.

I Feel Lucky by Mary Chapin Carpenter

Well I woke up this morning stumbled out of my rack
I opened up the paper to the page in the back
It only took a minute for my finger to find
My daily dose of destiny, under my sign
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No Professor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the corner, gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million so I called in sick to work
I bought a pack of Camels, a burrito and a Barq's
Crossed against the light, made a beeline for the park
The sky began to thunder, wind began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "girl, you better get back home"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No tropical depression gonna steal my sun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I was sitting at the bar
I'd bought the house a double, and the waitress a new car
Dwight Yoakam's in the corner, trying to catch my eye
Lyle Lovett's right beside me with his hand upon my thigh
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stars might lie, but the numbers never do

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey Dwight, hey Lyle, boys, you don't have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight

I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today

Ex, do you know how long the TV show's final endurance challenges usually last?

Do you have anything else to tempt us with, Jeff Proty?

Hmmm... maybe at two hours...

I just looked up that the longest one was in the UK... and went beyond 24 hours.