As the Planet Krypton began to break up, a bovine creature native to the planet was hurled by the explosion through time and space to land nearly a thousand years later in the Netherlands.
Gaining sentience and Kryptonian super-powers, she joined with other super-animals to form the Clean-Up Crew: Ajax the Super-Goat, Bon Ami the Super-Chicken and a somewhat more famous Super-Horse.
Old Dutch served long and well, but the decades took a toll on her memory and her powers. No longer able to fly, she now possesses super-walking. Her heat vision has become lukewarm vision.
In recent times Old Dutch has come to Legion World where she has joined the LMB Super-Pets, particularly forming a friendship with Hyvvie the Wonder Beagle and, by extension, with Rockhopper Lad.
Still heroic at heart, if easily confused, Old Dutch does her best to help in any way she can.
-------------------- The only character in all of literature who has been described as "badnass" while using the phrase "vile miscreant."
From: The Pyngwyn Colonies of Planet Hyustyn | Registered: Aug 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
“Poor M’Baku,” said G’jenni, the young female gorilla, “all the other gorillas poke fun at him and call him names, because all he ever does is study his science and conduct experiments! But in our Gorilla society, the most respected career is that of a warrior, and that is why most young male gorillas are warriors-born!”
“Oh, G’jenni,” said her friend V’leri, “you should not feel bad about M’Baku. It is his own fault! He is so wrapped up in his science that he has no social skills at all. He never speaks to anyone other than when he needs help in his experiments. He has cut himself off from the rest of society. Though others are cruel to him, he does not realize that it’s his own fault that he has no friends. One day, it will be his undoing…”
M’Baku, the Science-Gorilla of the Gorilla Tribes of Legion World walked past the game of spear-throwing and sword and shield fighting going on by his side, as the young warriors strutted their warrior skills in front of the young female gorillas, each one showing off their fierce spirits. But M’Baku cared little for this, and continued on down his path to this laboratory as he always did; for he was indeed a social outcast and no one had ever cared to learn more about him, save one. But to M’Baku, this was alright, for he had believed he was destined for greater things, for he was…
M’Baku, the Science Gorilla! Honorary member of the LMB!
M’Baku rushed to his lab, hoping to avoid any unwanted attention from the other male gorillas. At last he reached it. A slender, odd looking chimpanzee nodded to him silently.
“Ah, Satali,” said M’Baku, “I’m sorry I am late. We shall begin immediately,” he finished, and they quickly, and quietly began to work. Satali was his new lab partner, who many believed was even odder than M’Baku. If only they knew that recently M’Baku had saved them all! While the LMB gave him recognition and honored him, the Gorilla Tribes surely did not.
“We are close Satali,” said M’Baku. “My systems are showing that the frequency we tapped into yesterday is once more vibrating at an odd pace. At last, we can discover the means to transport between multiple universes and the multiverse can be explored through a much safer means. Think of all the good that can be done, to have communication open thus! And I can repay my friends in the LMB for their kindness, by giving them a safer way to visit their friends on the multiple Earths.”
“Yes,” said Satali, apparently uninterested, “it was only yesterday that we received the odd signal through your experiment. Some type of sound frequency being broadcast across the void between multiple Earths. As if someone was attempting to open a clear channel.”
“It’s the use of sound, my friend,” said M’Baku. “Through harnessing super-sounds at the very core of the vibrational level, we will be able to harness a means to teleport on a scale undreamt of. Not only across time and space, but between the multiverse. I feel that a scientific breakthrough is only days away!”
Later that night, M’Baku went for a walk through the trees on the bridge of the Statue of Large Handsome’s nose (note: the Gorilla Tribe of Legion World lives on the statue of Large Handsome, aka Middlefinger II, which was accidentally dropped into the jungles of Legion World). As he overlooked the scenery before him, he felt the presence of another, and turned to see G’jenni. “Hello, M’Baku,” she said, very pleased to have found him alone. “A beautiful night, is it not?”
“Yes, it is,” he said, staring strait ahead. He had loved her his entire life, but was far too scared of her rejection to ever tell her. He could travel across the multiverse without the slightest fear, but the thought of conversing with a female frightened him greatly. “I come here sometimes,” he added.
“You have seemed distracted lately,” she said, “and you’re around even less. You should join us all more often in the open plazas…it would be nice to have your company,” she added.
“I…I am busy,” he replied, unable to recognize what she was trying to say, “…I’m quite busy with my experiments.”
“Oh, M’Baku,” she said, “you’re cooped up in there all alone! You need to be around people…no gorilla is an island.”
“I have Satali,” he said, referring to his lab partner, “to keep me company. It would too irresponsible to abandom my experiments now, anyway. I don’t think you would understand…”
G’jenni grew angry, and M’Baku did not realize he had offended her. “I’m sure I would not,” she said in a rage, “for I am just a simple female, not a grand scientist like yourself! Fine, stay with your odd friend. None of us trust him anyway, you give him too much leeway for an outsider. If you wish to be alone so much, then so be it!”
As she walked off, M’Baku knew it was a terrible mistake he had made.
Later that night he was back in his lab working, trying to forget what had happened, to make something positive happen to reinforce his belief that if he could accomplish something by science, it would make up for his social flaws. Satali was there still working. “The frequency is active again,” said M’Baku,” the sound waves are reaching us. I think if could adjust the amps, and use the gravitational enabler, we might be able to create a rift…” said M’Baku.
“Yes,” said Satali,” you’re right! We could expand the rift with the sound and pull out whatever is sending us these sound waves…”
Finally, M’Baku was reaching his goal! Soon, the rift was opened and the anticipation pulsated throughout the room! They were so close! At last, though M’Baku, if he could accomplish this, he could forget all about the rest of the Gorilla Tribes, and G’jenni…
Suddenly, something began to come through the portal. The universe that housed Earth-4 was open! A foot? A person was coming through!
BLAM!!!
The Trumpeter stepped forward, and fired his sonic-pistol into M’Baku’s stomach, knocking the gorilla to the ground. The gorilla’s eyes grew dark, and he suddenly felt very cold.
“Ah…” said the Trumpeter, “Earth-1. And all I need for supplies right here at my disposal,” he said, looking at the rest of the lab.
“You did not have to kill him,” said Satali, who now pressed his image inducer, and revealed his true self: Salad-Tosser Lord! “He was a brilliant mind, and there’s no telling what he might have done…”
“Indeed,” said the Trumpeter, “but he was the enemy. I have no time for those with brilliant minds that refuse to seize the future as their own. You can mourn him later,” he said with scowl. “We have work to do.”
And so M’Baku thought back to G’jenni in his final moments, and realized that they were right. It was them, yes, at fault, but it was he too. He had no friends and never made an attempt to have any. In the end, that was his undoing.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
I still can’t believe it! It’s been several days since I landed the interview of the century, and I’m still reeling! And as if it weren’t enough that the interview was the most reclusive, influential man of our time, the other stuff I learned from him--that I cut out of the official version of the interview--was staggering. Little did I know as I sat down with E.J. “Engine Joe” Brande, that I would learn so much more about my own personal mystery…and how it is connected to one of history’s greatest heroes!
E.J. Brande, as my official article states, perfected the most practical version of the warp drive engine in that it is energy-efficient and faster than the old cold fusion models. But his largest accomplishment was his push to make the United Planets a more unified entity than it had been in its half-century-plus of existence before he became involved . Indeed, it was crumbling at the seams before three young super-powered teens saved Brande’s life, and he was struck by inspiration. He formed the Legion of Message Board Posters around those teens and sought out representatives from most U.P. worlds and beyond to symbolize what the United Planets can be. And the U.P. has never been more cohesive in the eight years since the LMB’s founding, even surviving intergalactic wars and Earth’s secession. All thanks to this extraordinary man.
All of this had been roaring through my mind as Brande’s personal assistant, Kel Ratan ushered me into the legend’s own private estate, located on an asteroid in a top secret location. About his home, I was instantly struck by two things: One, that it was not very lavish for the man who had accumulated more wealth than had ever been seen in the galaxy. And two, it was decorated in a very retro fashion, more appropriate to a millennium ago. The walls, the floors, the furnishings…they were all fashioned from wood. There were artifacts from that era all around. Paintings. Old two-dimensional video viewing boxes. Black discs with engravings on them that could be used for audio playback with such enigmatic names as ‘Elvis Pressley’, ‘James Brown‘, ‘The Beatles’ and ’Marvin Gaye’ written on labels in their centers. And scores of colorful print tomes known as ’comic books’ displayed in polymers all over the walls and in display cases everywhere. I’d heard that this legend had an affinity for the era, but never had I guessed it was so pronounced!
Finally, Ratan ushered me to Brande’s expansive study. All four walls were covered with wooden shelving, and each shelf was loaded to bear with countless books, all of the old-fashioned variety with pages made of yellowed paper. All told there had to be tens of thousands of them in all.
And in the center of the study was E.J. Brande himself, seated behind a wooden desk and reading one of his many books by the light of an antique kerosene lamp. He was crouched over in such a way that, at first, I could only make out his snow-white hair, part of his brown, furrowed forehead and the very tip of the antique pair of glasses he was wearing.
“Mr. Brande, sir,” Ratan said, “your guest is here.”
“urm?” Brande mumbled, then reluctantly lowered his book and eyed both myself and his personal assistant with a look of mild annoyance before his lips curled upward into a broad smile. “Ah, yes--Mister Marlowe! I’m quite the admirer of your work!” And he stood up, revealing a bit of a paunch to his belly. He was dressed in a manner that matched his surroundings, wearing a pair of blue denim pants and a flannel shirt of red and black patterns. His face appeared aged quite a bit from what footage I’d seen of him from a decade ago. But he looked very dignified, his beard neatly trimmed, his hair meticulously sculpted. His brown skin had kind of a shine to it, and his big ebony eyes were filled with life.
“I’m beyond honored that you contacted me about doing this interview, Mister Brande,” I responded, trying to stop myself from gushing.
“My boy,” he smiled, “the honor is all mine!” and he motioned for me to approach his desk. His hand was there waiting for me, and I extended mine to accept the handshake. “Sit down.. please! Would you like a drink Mister Marlowe?” he asked and motioned toward a cabinet that undoubtedly held some beverages that would be appropriate to the motif of his home.
“No, thank you, Mister Brande. I’m fine.”
“Oh, by damn--just call me ’Joe’!”
“er…okay…Joe…where would you like to begin?”
He grinned widely. “Straight to the point, I see--I like that!” He turned his attention to Ratan for a moment. “Leave us, Kel. I’d like to talk to this young man in private.” And with a nod, Brande’s personal assistant left the room. Then, Brande turned his attention back squarely to me. “First, I’d like you to tell me what’s going on with my kids!”
I knew immediately that he referred to the LMB, and for about an hour, it was he who did the interviewing as he probed me deeply with his questions for all of the details behind what had been going on with them and Legion World over the last few years and, particularly, the last few months regarding the Invasion and the 52 affair. Brande listened to my words with rapt attention. Though he’d ceased direct involvement with LMB activities after he helped finance Legion World’s construction, it was obvious that Brande’s heart was still with them.
Finally, his curiosity sated, he let me start asking the questions. And I noticed immediately that his attention wasn’t fully on my questions though he answered them very well. It was as if he were waiting for something. And he continually fumbled with the necklace he was wearing like a bored child might fiddle with a an ear or a lock of hair while waiting in the lobby at a doctor’s office. At some point I started feeling mildly annoyed at him as he continually tugged on that necklace. I just wanted to yank it off his neck to get him to stop doing it…until I looked at the necklace and saw what was the chain.
Seeing it, I stopped mid-sentence with the question I was trying to ask him and just gaped at it. Suddenly, he stopped manipulating the charm and asked me, “is something wrong, my boy.”
The part of me that wanted to clam up because I had been hiding something from the galaxy at large lost out to the part that was thirsting for knowledge. “That necklace your wearing…the crystal…”
“This?” he said, acting surprised I would mention it. “Ah, yes…this is quite an interesting artifact.”
As if it had no will but to do otherwise, my hand grasped my neck and unfastened my collar, revealing the nearly identical crystal that was imbedded in my skin right below my Adam‘s apple. Absently, I stroked the crystal between my thumb and index finger.
“By damn…you have one, too,” was his response. Oddly, there really wasn’t much of a note of surprise to his tone. “Where did you get that, lad?”
“I…I found it back home…in Kansas…when I was a boy growing up there. I wore it on a necklace, not unlike your--it was my lucky necklace.”
“This one,” he replied, holding up his own crystal, “is said to have come from Kansas as well. In fact…it is said to have belonged to a legendary hero…the one from whom my nickname is derived!”
I understood immediately. “Engine Joe?”
Studying my reaction with a careful gaze, he nodded. “Yes, my lad, it is believed that it belonged to Engine Joe, and further…” his eyes locked to mine, ”it is said that this crystal was the source of his powers!”
I tried to use my best poker face to hide what that last bit meant to me as I held his gaze. All the while, I was thinking fiercely about how this explained so much. How, during the climax of the 52 crisis, I suddenly found myself with a gamut of Kryptonian powers. And how those powers helped a coalition of substitute legionnaires turn the tide against overwhelming odds on Legion World while the LMB at large were fighting a threat off-planet. How we saved the day because of my fellow reporter Chloe Lane’s sacrifice in her guise as Bat-Fem. And how my powers completely vanished after the crisis had passed.
Finally, I responded, “I’d never heard that Engine Joe’s powers came from a crystal.”
He paused for a long moment and let the comment hang there before he finally asked me, “lad, have you ever heard of Superman?”
I searched my mind for the name. Superboy-Prime? Supergirl robot? Yes and yes. But Superman? “No, sir. I haven’t.”
“That isn’t surprising, lad. For this Earth, this universe never had a Superman. But in universe after universe after universe, there has been a great hero, greater than any other. Typically, he shows up in Earth histories in the 20th and 21st centuries. Any universe that has a Superman is taught the true meaning of heroism. In each of them it is clear that his presence was crucial to pull Earth and the universe out safely through what is consistently one of every continuum’s most volatile eras punctuated by a series of Crises. But our Earth…which we call Earth-1...which, truly, any Earth that knows of the multiverse calls itself…is one of the very few that didn’t know the heroism of Kal-El of Krypton.”
I felt like asking Mister Brande how he can possibly know of such things, but, somehow, I put aside the skeptic reporter in me and just listened.
“On Earth after Earth“, he continued, “a rocketship, that had been launched from the doomed planet of Krypton by two loving parents hoping to save their infant son from their fate, landed in the latter half of the 20th century near Smallville, Kansas and was found by a loving childless couple who raised the boy as their own. That boy grew up to be Superman.”
“But on our Earth, the boy died long before the rocket arrived. It seems a shard of the destroyed Krypton was lodged into the vehicle and penetrated its shielding. The infant within died quickly, but the rocket continued its course and landed where it did in virtually every other universe. Unfortunately, the Kryptonite breach damaged the ships landing systems, and the rocket exploded on impact, killing the couple who in other universes would have found a son to adopt and destroying the child’s remains with the ship’s complete incineration. The authorities at the time chalked the whole thing up to a freak meteor fall.”
“However, some very significant artifacts survived the crash, though scattered across Kansas. You see, Kryptonian technology was based largely on crystals. Kal-El’s rocket contained many of these which were intended to educate him on his heritage and the powers his parents knew he would acquire under Earth’s yellow sun. One such crystal had the ability to restore Kal’s powers should they be depleted. It was broken into three pieces in the explosion---this one…” he fingers his own crystal as he says those words, “yours and one other that has never been recovered.”
“The one I wear on my necklace is the very same one that a teenaged, African-American farmhand found while harvesting corn in late 20th century Kansas. The crystal endowed him with the Kryptonian powers that were intended as an emergency option for Kal-El. It imbedded itself in that young man’s neck, just as yours had. And over time, that young man became our galaxy’s replacement for Superman, and he served that role very well, most say, doing his part to avert all of those Crises that plagued the era. Earth-1 had no Superman, but they had Engine Joe.”
Still taking all this in, I managed to say, “that was quite fortunate for us, wasn’t it? If almost anyone else had found that crystal, the story could’ve been quite different, couldn‘t it?”
“Mayhaps, my lad, but I believe the crystal knew what it was doing. I think maybe it chose him and that there was nothing random or accidental about that young man finding the crystal. Remember that, as you contemplate your own crystal. Have you manifested any of its gifts?”
After a moment’s hesitation, I finally answered, “yes, I have during the 52 affair on Legion World. But the powers…went away afterwards. Maybe the crystal shard only had a little bit of power to give…I don’t know.”
“Or maybe,” Brande continued, “the power only manifests in you when it’s truly needed.”
“Did Engine Joe’s power turn off and on when needed?” I asked.
“No,” he said with confidence, “not in the way you mean. Engine Joe retained his power for nearly a hundred years without it turning off. My belief is that his role in that era was so crucial that he was needed virtually every day. Only after the Times of Crisis passed, did his power go dormant. You, my lad, live in an era in which there are a Legion of heroes poised to fight any and all crises that come about, so you are not necessarily needed on a day-to-day basis. Though that could certainly change some day. If my theory is correct, I hope you will never be needed constantly, as it would probably mean the LMB would be failing or no more. Engine Joe relished his role as Protector, but it was a very heavy burden to him at the same time. The day he was no longer needed was the day he truly began to live life.”
I couldn’t stop myself from commenting, “you sure seem to know a lot about Engine Joe!”
“Look around you, lad,” he smiled and motioned around, “I’ve dedicated a not-insignificant part of my wealth toward learning everything I can about the era! You sink enough money into a project, you’re bound to find at least a little bit of what you’re looking for!”
Looking Brande squarely in they eye, I asked, “whatever happened to Engine Joe, Mister Brande?”
“Who knows?” he winked. “He probably died eventually. Or perhaps he’s immortal, or just extremely long-lived as a side effect of the crystal. No one may ever know for sure!”
“Not even you, Mister Brande?”
“Joe! Call me Joe!” he reminded me. “Lad, money can only buy so much…but if I do know what happened to him, I’m not telling. Understand?”
With perfect clarity, I asserted, “yes, I believe I do, Mister- Br---Joe. I believe I do.”
“So,” Brande asked, “ready for that drink, yet?”
“Yes, I believe I am, Joe!”
And we talked into the wee hours of the night, and I cobbled my official piece together from the later conversations. I omitted everything from the piece about the conversation that I documented here, in my own personal journal and certainly my suspicions about how he might have learned all the information he passed on to me about my crystal and Engine Joe.
If I‘m right, it can‘t be understated how much more important to the LMB this man is beyond even what is known. The hero Engine Joe was and is a powerful influence in inspiring LMBers to be heroes themselves. He even shared a few adventures with them as a teen traveling through time. ‘Engine Joe Boy’ was the first honorary LMBer and has his own statue in Legionnopolis and a new one in the recently-completed Peace Gardens depicting him as an adult.
Could Engine Joe and E.J. Brande be one and the same? I have my suspicions, but I have such tremendous respect for both that I will never put them in writing for public consumption. Perhaps, one day, Joe will confide in me and let me share this wonderful secret with the universe. If that day never comes, I won’t regret anything.
But I now know more about what my own future may hold. If Brande is truly Engine Joe, I have little doubt that his seeking me out to do his interview was a means to talk to me about the crystal. He must’ve seen it on those newsfeeds when I reported in tattered clothing, my crystal bared for all to see. I hope that if I’m ever needed again, that I can live up at least somewhat to Engine Joe’s shining example.
THE END(?)
This work presented with acknowledgement to some of the ideas presented by Bill Banzer (aka Loser Lad) in his short story,“The TRUE Origin of the LMB!!!”
posted
LMB 80 PAGE GIANT PRESENTS: COLONEL WELLESLEY AND THE TEMPLE OF THE INVISIBLE HAND
At the Evil Genius Club Tamper sat at the Host's table explaining the situation to his some-time business associate Nova Girl.
"He went where?" yelled an incredulous Nova Girl at Tamper Lad.
"The Barbarian Frontier. He's gone to recover an artifact of great value for me," answered Tamper her irate stare rolling off him as water off a ducks back.
"Tamper, he's an old man. Not to mention he's not totally with it, you know. If he gets hurt I'm holding you personally responsible."
"Nonsense, your father can blend in like a local even out there."
The City of Glarg located on a planet in the hinterland of UP space had once been home to a centre of knowledge. That changed generations ago when it fell to the Barbarian Horde. Over the ensuing centuries, the new rulers assimilated the remaining population. Today, much of the old knowledge has faded into legend. A recent UP military expedition re-established a 'civilized' presence on the planet and now men from the civilized galaxy come in search of valuable treasure.
In the market square, hundreds of Barbarians went about their business bartering or selling their various catches of the day for various trinkets or tools or goods needed for barbarian life. Amongst the wind and sun burnt barbarians, strolled a dignified older gentleman wearing a pith helmet, safari jacket and Bermuda shorts. Behind him, he pulled a large steamer trunk and a keg using an anti-gravity dolly. He was Colonel Wellesley, father of Nova Girl, founder of a food empire but now semi-retired to a life of adventure.
"I say there, would anyone happen to know Interlac? I'm looking for a young man an off-worlder." The Colonel asked several locals.
"Urk rug?"
"I suppose that's no. I'll be quite upset if I can't find a place to have a spot of tea this afternoon," He said as he turned to his left looking at a kiosk in the market. “Oh, look these native handicrafts will be absolutely stunning in my daughter's collection. How much for the set, my good man?” he asked pointing at the table and making a circle motion around the set of figurines.
"Urk." Came the answer as the vendor held up five fingers.
"I do say I have a bit of trouble with this currency. Now five of the silver ones, exactly how many copper ones is that?" he mumbled as he dug around in a sac containing coins of the local currency.
Just then, the vendor became frantic, gesticulating to get the Colonel's attention. Two shifty looking men had hijacked the anti-gravity lift that contained his luggage and were now running across the market.
"I say! Thieves! Stop there, scoundrels!" Yelled that Colonel as he turned chasing his luggage. The thieves had a head start of several seconds but the Colonel, surprisingly spry for his age, kept pace. All the while, coins fell out of his wallet jingling to the street to the delight of several young street urchins who started their own chase for the silver and copper coins.
Pulling his late-model officer's stun pistol, a relic several wars old, the Colonel took shots at the would-be thieves. The pace of the run made hitting the men a difficult task and all he could manage was to steer the men away from the market into a narrow lane.
As the chase continued, the Colonel's age was caught up with him and the thieves pulled away. They were about to reach the other end of the lane and certain freedom when out of an alley jumped a man who unhitched the lift causing the steamer trunk and keg to drop to the ground with a thud.
As the thieves escaped, the man spoke, "Colonel Wellesley sir, I'm Kent Clarkson and I've been expecting you."
"Ah Clarkson. Good show. I've been searching all morning for our man on the ground. Shall we go discuss things over a cup of tea? This chase has left me quite parched," the Colonel spat out as he panted to catch his breath.
Later at the Hotel United Planets over tea and crumpets…
"A gift from civilization, Clarkson," said the Colonel as he pulled a case of his famous pudding product from the steamer trunk and the cask of beer.
"Why thank you sir. I'm sure I'll enjoy these. I assume that Tamper provided you with the answers to the riddles on the map?"
"He did."
"Then we should set off tomorrow morning. It's at least a day's journey through heavy forest."
So they set out on a long day of hard travel. They began by using their all terrain vehicle but after an hour off the trail, the forest became too dense to go further. So they went on without, hoping to reach their destination before nightfall. Due to favorable weather and firm ground from the recent dry season, they made relatively good time. Though Clarkson was a newspaper correspondent by trade, he quickly grew tired of listening to the non-stop stream of stories told by the Colonel.
"Clarkson I wouldn't call this heavy forest. Back during the wars I led a team of..."
"Before we found 'Nica my wife and I started the food products company where we hired disabled veterans..."
"Tamper Lad and 'Nica constantly got into trouble. Once they crashed her new space cruiser into a ball of pudding..."
"Nica's a smart girl, she runs the company now. I spend most of my time travelling and hunting for big game..."
Late in the afternoon, they reached the wreckage of what had been in pre-barbarian days an orbital factory. During the fall of the world to the barbarian horde, the authorities scuttled the plant and crashed it into this uninhabited area. Of a more recent vintage was an obelisk built adjacent to the site. It read in an old seldom seen language, 'Destruction is the process whereby resources are allocated and the new is created'. The Colonel and his young guide puzzled over the words for a moment before Clarkson broke the silence by stating the situation.
"Colonel, we still have over a third of the way to cover. I don't think we can make it there today. We should camp for the evening."
"A good assessment Clarkson, we can find some cover in this old orbital factory. Find a spot and I'll start the tea."
As they took their turns watching over the fire, the night passed nervously but uneventfully. Setting off again at dawn, they reached the Temple of the Ancients just before midday.
"Here we are sir. We've been unable to solve the riddle which seals the door. It's some sort of mathematical equation. But the input parameters keep changing."
"Not a problem. TL has given us the solution," said the Colonel as he keyed in the combination to reveal the entrance. "Now follow me."
The explorers walked single file into the tunnel that opened before them. Creeping slowly forward they came after several minutes to a chamber with a table in the centre of it. A figure appeared before them on the opposite side of the table. He was a strange being, looking like a cartoonish caricature of a human. He had a round head and rotund body; wore a tuxedo with top hat; had a monocle in one of his eyes and held a walking cane in his hand. He spoke:
"You have proven your quantitative skill in reaching this point, stranger. Now you must prove your guile in a challenge of wits. If you lose, you will forfeit your life. Sit at the table when ready." The figure sat at the table. The Colonel gave Clarkson a nod and sat at the table opposite the figure.
"Choose your weapon, stranger," said the temple's guardian.
"Clarkson! Which should I choose? I'm partial to the top hat but the thimble looks lucky, and everyone wants to be the race car."
"The iron, sir?" suggested Clarkson meekly. Thus Colonel Wellesley chose the iron and the reading of the rules began. "The object is to bankrupt your opponent by acquiring and developing properties, collecting rent on property they land on. Conversely, you must pay rent if you land on property owned by your opponent and if you become bankrupt you forfeit your life."
"Clarkson what do my notes say about this challenge?"
"Don't own real estate that you wouldn't want 'Nica living in on her own; Cause a housing shortage; Buy Low, Sell High; and try to get into jail and stay there to save money after all properties are owned."
The game began with the Colonel landing on Mayavale Place; the image on the screen was of Cobalt Row on Legion World. Angry looking unemployed alien men sat on the stoops. Winos and addicts lay passed out on the sidewalks. The colonel did not buy the property. Six hours into the match, the Colonel was sent directly to jail where he remained for three circuits by his host. The match was finally decided when the nameless opponent landed twice on Levitz Plaza, which the Colonel had developed into a space hotel.
The challenge disappeared and the door at the far end of the room opened allowing the Colonel and Clarkson to venture into the next room. Entering, the door slammed shut behind them trapping them in a room with a giant open champagne bottle and a normal sized buffet table. Unable to go back their way forward was blocked by a chasm.
"Clarkson, tell me what's on that table?"
"Unopened tins sir."
"Open one."
"It's full of gelatinous balls. Yuck! They're salty!"
"Clarkson you fool! This is fine caviar," said the Colonel taking a taste. "Quickly open six tins. I’ll work on the bottle."
Clarkson opened the tins while the Colonel recovered the giant bottle's cork which lay on the ground. He fastened a pair of belts to the cork which could be tied to their waists. Together, he and Clarkson aimed the mouth of the bottle to the across the chasm. Finally they winched themselves the cork and the tins of caviar to the mouth of the bottle.
"Climb in Clarkson. Fasten yourself to the cork and seal the bottle behind us. Good. Now empty the tins into the liquid below us."
"But sir, that will blow the cork off. How do we know this will work?"
"Have some faith, son. If Tamper was right about the treasure, the invisible hand of self interest will keep us safe."
With that Clarkson and the Colonel quickly dumped the caviar into the champagne causing bubbles to form rapidly. After a few seconds the cork exploded in a cascade of champagne across the chasm into the treasure room.
Resting on the table before them were three leather bound volumes.
"Behold the treasure which we seek."
"Three books, sir?"
"Not any books Clarkson. These are the only surviving first editions of 'An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations'; 'Capitalism, Socialism, and Democracy'; and 'A Monetary History of the United States'" said the Colonel lifting the volumes from the table.
As they held the volumes a mystical light bathed the room lifting them into the sky as the roof of the temple opened above them and a moment later they were back at the hotel where they sought to wind down at the bar. At the end of their discussion the reporter said, "Colonel Wellesley, sir. It's been a pleasure. This adventure should be published in the upcoming Sunday Edition. I'll send you the copy in advance."
EPILOGUE: The Wellesley Room, Evil Genius Club, Legion World
"Daddy, you're back! Can I get you your tea?" said Nova Girl as the Colonel came in and sat in his plush leather recliner.
"Miss me, did you 'Nica?"
"I was worried. Tamper said you…"
"You needn't have been. And Tamper only thinks I went to get the books for him, I’ll be donating them to the UP Library."
"Oh! This will kill him. Let me tell him Daddy. Please?"
"Fine dear, he might take it better from you. I picked up some barbarian souvenirs for you. I'll show you when you're over for dinner Sunday. By the way, your mother expects you to bring a boy with you."
THE END
From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
Note: The events in this story take place between Invasion and "Omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis" in LMB continuity.
Lard Lad uses his Lard Force sensitivity to make sure every thing is aligned properly. It is. He looks around and is satisfied that the planetoid he’s chosen is isolated enough and will serve the other purpose he has in mind. As he looks again down at the steep, rocky hill, he thinks, yes, this will do nicely, and he grins. Then, he closes his eyes and searches for the beacon he will need to home in on. Within a few short moments, he finds it, and, eyes still closed, he raises his right hand. It glows bright purple, and a portal forms in front of him.
After determining the portal is stable, he speaks: “All right, Chuck--come on through!”
In the next moment a portly man steps through, dressed in a blue and white shirt and black pants and flashing a bright smile. “Tony!” he says, beaming.
“Chuck!” is Lardy’s enthusiastic reply, and the two exchange a warm embrace.
“My god!” Chuck says, standing back to better assess his friend. “You’ve lost weight!”
“Wish I could say the same about you, old pal!” Lardy chuckles.
Chuck laughs right back. He is way past the point in his life when fat jokes get to him. “I can’t believe it’s been five years already…”
“…and ten since I helped you cross over.”
“Man, ten years…” Chuck says wistfully. “...ten years since I decided this universe wasn’t right for me.”
“Let’s face it, Chuck, it never was--you were about the shittiest Lard Knight to ever train at the monastery!”
“I don’t know what it was, Tony…I just couldn’t get into all that sword and sorcery crap, y’know?”
“You drove our masters crazy, Chuck. The only way you were ever able to manifest the Lard Force was through the old self-inflation thing…what you called the ’bouncing boy‘. And every Lard Squire worth their salt could do that!”
“Well, you sure never were too crazy about it, were ya, Tony?” Chuck laughs.
“No, I wasn’t. I don’t know…I guess I felt a little silly doing it, y’know? Even my fellow LMBers have never seen me do that one, I hate it so much. I still can‘t believe you got into your Legion with just that cruddy trick!”
“I told you last time, Tony, they rejected me at first. I think even after they saw I could use it effectively, they mostly admitted me because they liked me. Hell, a year or so later we admitted this guy named Tenzil whose power was even lamer than mine. Get this--his thing was that he could eat anything!”
“Hell, we can both do that, Chuck! But seriously, my Legion are always admitting people just because they‘re hot!” And the two roar with laughter.
After the two start to calm down, Chuck says, “by the way, Tony, I’ve got big news this time around--shortly after the last time we met...I got married!”
“Married?!?!” Lardy gasps. “No WAY! Shit--was it to one of the girl Legionnaires?” Chuck blushes and nods. “Who? Was it that shy Violet girl? She sounds like your type..”
“Nope,” Chuck laughs, “turns out Vi may be playing for the other team…if ya get my drift! But no...I married Lu…the girl I told you about who can split into identical twins.”
“Her? You lucky BASTARD! Man, you must be having three-ways every night!”
“Yeah, pretty much,” Chuck blushes, “but I think one of her likes me better than the other...”
“Wait!” Lardy says remembering something, “wasn’t she the one who had the big crush on that Superboy?”
Chuck’s face loses some of its brightness. “Yeah, she did,“ he says quietly. “She never says it, but I think part of her will always hold a torch for him. It’s been really apparent lately, since Superboy died.”
“He died?” Lardy puzzles. “Crap, wasn’t he supposed to grow up to be your Earth’s Engine Joe or something?”
“Yeah, he was…or so we thought. It’s real complicated and involves pocket universes and stuff...but one of our worst enemies wanted us to think we’d met a young Superman, but the real Superman never was Superboy.”
“Sounds like a really sick bastard, Chuck.”
“Yeah, they don’t get much sicker than the Time Trapper, Tony. And Lu’s been really distant since all this happened. We saw some action again as Substitutes recently that got her mind off it for awhile, but I’m afraid she’s gonna do something really rash to avenge Superboy’s death. She’s been shutting me out so much since it happened--I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m no expert, Chuck, but my advice would be to leave her alone, and let her work through this. She’s been married to you for, what, four years or so? She’ll get through this, and besides, what can a girl who can split into two do against an all-powerful enemy? Give her some space, Chuck.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right, Tony. But she’s been very vulnerable since she lost her third body a couple years before we got married…”
“If she could survive that, I’m sure she’ll get through this, Chuck. Man, I always thought your Legion was a more bright and sunny version of mine.”
“Maybe it was at one point,” Chuck says contemplatively, “but since we got married and began to phase ourselves out of the Legion, it seems Legionnaires have been dropping like flies. I mean right after the wedding, we lost Lyle, and Condo soon after. And lately, Karate Kid, Supergirl and Superboy in less than a year. I can’t help but feel that things are about to get even darker.”
“I hear you, Chuck,” Lardy says, bowing his head. “Things have gotten pretty bad over here recently, and a lot of it’s been centered around me.”
“What’s happened?”
“Well, in the five years since I last saw you, some really good things happened. Most significantly, the LMB found a permanent home…an artificial planet we call Legion World.”
“Wow! That sounds pretty good, actually! Our Legion got a new mobile H.Q. awhile back, but it’s still on the same site that the old upside-down rocketship was in Metropolis.”
“Don’t get me wrong, Legion World is great, Chuck. But I’ve recently done everything I could to screw things up…”
“Like what, Tony?”
“Well, you remember me telling you about Mordra, right?”
Chuck nods, knowing the damage that woman did to his friend’s life from their last meeting.
“She came to Legion World over two years ago, after I’d been looking for her for years. She disguised herself and tricked me into sleeping with her…she used that act to transfer my powers to her before disappearing again.”
“That--that bi--” Chuck fumes, his face turning red.
“Stop, Chuck, I know you were never much of a cusser. Anyhow, being played by her like that brought back everything in spades from when she killed my Leelee years before. I dropped everything and set out alone looking to get my powers back--but mostly, I was lusting for revenge. Long story short, Chuck….I eventually found Mordra, and…gods…I killed her and her no-good husband.”
At a loss for words, Chuck whispers, “Tony, I…”
“I know, Chuck,” Lardy interrupts, “that’s not what heroes do. Even worse, though, I got my best friend…other than you, of course…to help me hide what I’d done. And it keeps biting me in the ass! Last month, it caught up with me as Mordra’s husband’s empire attacked Legion World because of it. All the while, Cobalt stood by me as I maintained my innocence. Lots of innocent people died in that conflict, and Legion World itself was nearly overrun. And I resorted to doing something else very cowardly and unheroic to end the conflict. In the process I may have killed mine and Cobalt's friendship. Last time I saw him...he punched me out.”
“Good lord, Tony--and I thought I had some stuff to lay on you. Geez…”
“Makes you feel a little better, huh?” Lardy responds with a half-smile. “The worst part is that most of Legion World’s citizens are touting me as a big war hero. They’re almost unanimously behind me because of a few feats I performed and a faked-up acquittal someone obtained for me. I don‘t know if I can stay there, even though I love that place so much. The guilt is just eating me alive!”
“Well,” Chuck offers, “you could confess…”
“I can’t Chuck,” Lardy says rubbing his eyes, “it’s past that point, now. If I were to backpedal now, it would cost Legion World and the LMB heavily from a diplomatic standpoint. This whole thing has got all the galactic powers too close to the brink, as it is. If I do what’s right, everything could go to hell overnight.”
“Look, Tony,” Chuck asserts and looks his friend squarely in the eyes, “all you can do now is learn from this, move forward and do everything in your considerable power to balance the scales. Understand?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Lardy concedes.
“And never forget what you did for me! Growing up in that orphanage back in ol’ Gus Crek, you looked out for me, as I looked out for you. Then, when we were both working at the grocery tesseract and the lightning struck us on the lard aisle, you helped me re-form when I had melted all over the floor. And when we both were taken to the Lard Monastery, you stuck with me, even though I absolutely sucked in every single skill training course. I was scared and shunned by all the other Squires. You were the best, by far, in the whole damned Order, but you never left my side! You stuck with me, and that means everything to me!”
“What else could I do?” Lardy smiles. “You were my ‘brother’, and nothing could ever change that.”
“I know,” Chuck says, smiling back. “And then you made the biggest sacrifice, ever for me. In one of your advanced skill classes, you learned how to breach dimensions under certain conditions, and only during a specific time. I was lost at the monastery and had no family but you. The Order wouldn’t allow me to leave. I begged you to help me, and you opened that portal for me ten years ago…and you let me go. On this ‘Earth-2’, I found its version of my birth parents, the Taines, and they took me in, their own Chuck having passed away the year before. Soon after, I made the LSH, giving them a fake origin story in the process, and found a life the likes of which I’d never dreamed! And it’s all because of you…my brother.”
"Do any of them know your secret?"
"No, I haven't told anyone. I'll probably tell Lu some day..."
“I'd recommend that," Lardy advises knowingly, "secrets have a way of eating away at you." Thereis a significant pause while Lardy looksat his friend. "Y’know,” Lardy laughs, “it’s amazing how much we look alike, Chuck! There’s this guy I’ve found, Eryk, who may be my actual brother, but he looks nothing like me, while you--!”
“Hmmm,” Chuck thinks, “I was never one for facial hair, though. I see you’ve trimmed down to a goatee…”
“You should try it, Chuck! I bet your Lu would love it, especially when you go dow--”
“Whoa, Tony!” Chuck says blushing, “too much information! Maybe though…maybe I’ll try a mustache…” and he puts a finger over his upper lip. “Come wiz me, baybee…we can make ze beeyootiful muzeek togezzair!”
The two crack up at that one and take several minutes to recover.
“I…ha-ha…I betcha go for the full beard before long after you try the ol‘ tickler, Chuck!” Lardy laughs.
“Never gonna happen!” Chuck insists and blushes anew. And then he starts. “Tony! How much longer’ve we got?”
Lardy reaches out with his powers. “Damn! Only a few minutes before the window closes again!”
“Well,” Chuck says, “we better get to it, dontcha think?”
“Alright, pal,” and Lardy points to the slope he’d picked out. “How’s that one grab ya?”
“Doesn’t look very challenging,” Chuck assesses, “but I guess it’ll haveta do in a pinch. Ready to blow up?”
“Ready!” Lardy laughs.
And both men inflate themselves into ridiculous-looking round balls.
Chuck shouts, “Alright, Tony…on your mark…get set…”
“GO!” Lardy screams and starts rolling down the hill.
“Cheater!” Chuck yells and careens after his friend.
The two men laugh like children as they bounce off rocks and try their best to maneuver themselves to the bottom as quickly as possible. In the end the first one to the finish line is the one who’s spent the most time honing this particular ability.
“I win again!” Chuck taunts.
“Oh well,” Lardy fires back, “at least there’s something you can do better than me!”
“Time’s almost up, huh?” Chuck says sadly.
“Yeah.”
“Y’know, buddy,” Chuck offers, “you could come with. Maybe you’ll like it better…”
“It’s tempting, Chuck. Really tempting. But I’m through running away. And there’s a lady that I think I want to get closer to…”
“Yeah? Who is it?”
Lardy blushes for the first time this day. “Her name’s Dru….she’s a sorceress.”
Chuck thinks for a moment and remembers something. “Dru? Not the evil chick with the beard?!?”
Lardy laughs, “people change, Chuck….and sometimes..they lose their beards!”
The two crack up yet again, but Lardy is interrupted by a warning from his senses. “Shit! Time’s up, Chuck.” And Lardy makes another portal appear before them. The two men hug again hastily and Chuck heads toward the doorway to his adopted dimension.
Lardy quips, “seeya in five years, Chuck! Next time I’ll whip your ass!”
“As if!” Chuck says with a smile. “Take care of yourself.”
As Chuck vanishes, Lardy whispers back, “you too, pal…you too.”
And Lardy uses his flight ring to depart the planetoid‘s surface. God,he thinks, it was great beyond words to spend time with Chuck again. Married? Wow. Hmmm…I think when I get back, I’m gonna ask Dru out….
posted
“Look! Up in the sky!” said a woman, grabbing her young child. “Its your favorite LMBer, Sam!” she added.
“*choke*” stuttered the young boy, “when I grow up, I want to be like him, the most heroic LMBer of them all! I want to be like…
POVERTY LAD!
Poverty Lad flew across the streets of Legion World, hurling gold coins to the children below, laughing as they scrambled for them. Such was the nature of Poverty Lad, who swore off all forms of riches to live a life void of material gains and complete with the satisfaction that he was doing good in this world. His Martian appearance had long been accepted by the citizens of Legion World and he was among their favorites—by far the favorite of the young children. His LMB trading cards were the most valuable of all.
But suddenly, all was not right in the world! A giant pterodactyl flew across the sky, lunging at him with a fury, unleashing some awful heat vision and dragon breath upon him, so that he quickly flew out of his way. “Not today dacty!” he said wittily, and maneuvered around it, hurling it into the sun. He laughed and landed below.
“Pov! Pov!” all the kids screamed as he signed all their autographs. He then walked into Café Cramer to order a refreshing beverage after the quick workout he had in the skies above Legion World.
“Sure thing Pov!” said Sarah, the counter girl at Café Cramer who got him his beverage of choice.
Pov turned, to see a pair of young teenage local tuffs walking in to the Café. They had an odd look about them and his telepathy picked up on it immediately. Quickly, they pulled out urban blasters long associated with the Rimborian youth gangs, attempting to hold up the Café!
*Gasp!* said Sarah.
“No worries young lady,” said Pov, instantly using his Martian abilities to turn into a snake like beast that grabbed the two assailants and subdue him. “This was a job for Poverty Lad!”
Later, Pov ventured back into the streets, walking among the admiring crowd. However, his super-hearing picked up a strange disturbance! Could it be…? Yes, meteors were raining down on Legion World! He immediately flew up into the sky and began blasting them away with his heat vision, going immaterial to protect himself from their fiery debris. Within a minute, all the meteors were destroyed and Legion World was saved.
Pov flew back down to LMBP Plaza, taking a moment to feed the various kittens and grown-up cats that normally gathered there. He laughed. “You can come out now…” he said with a grin.
From the shadows, Lash Lad, Beagle Boy, Cobalt Kid, Spellbinder and Crusader emerged smiling. “Still keeping track of the date, eh?” said Beagz with a laugh.
“Of course. Five years to the day. Five years since I first joined the LMBP, and every year all you old timers try to play tricks on me like when I first applied for membership,” he smiled, and they were all hugging him, and slapping him on the back. Cobalt wrestled with him a little.
“We have to! We don’t want you getting cocky now that you’re one of Legion World’s most beloved heroes!” said Lash, teasing.
“I see …” he smiled “…well, in that case, the jokes on you…” he added, and suddenly, his form changed and he was revealed not to Poverty Lad at all, but none other than Seahorse, a long-time member of the LMB that had left the team many years ago before the creation of Legion World, but was missed greatly still. All of the LMBers were blown away by this reveal and were delighted to see their friend, and laughed with him and enjoyed his company.
“But wait,” said Beagz finally. “If you’re here BBSea, where is the real Pov?”
“Oh no…” said Crusader, guessing at what trouble Pov could be getting into.
“Guys…” said Cobalt. “Look at your omnicoms. The nightly news…”
”And in related news today, a string of odd occurrences took place today for various members of the Legion of Message Board Posters, as Lash Lad vowed to participate in a kissing auction for charity money…Cobalt Kid and Spellbinder had a strange fight in public today, where she referred to him as ‘Michael Jackson reborn”…”Beagle Boy last seen at the space-carwash at Grand Central Space Port, where his promise to wash every cruiser from here to Touston in nothing but a pink bikini was taken seriously…”
“Hm. Seems like the jokes really on all of you,” added Seahorse and they all couldn’t help but laugh.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Prologue: From the Personal Journal of Tamper's Undisclosed Location:
“There are few finer pleasures on Legion World. On quiet mornings like this one, sipping hot tea while catching up with the printed accounts of latest misadventures of the Legion of Message Board Posters.”
Tamper Lad turned away from his recording. He was unable to keep his focus on it, still upset over Colonel Wellesley’s decision to donate the treasure that had recently been discovered in barbarian space. The worst part was that it was him and not that blasted Colonel who'd solved the riddles leading to the discovery. And, aside from the books’ historical value, their recovery held an almost religious significance to the normally agnostic Tamper Lad.
“Nonsense that's not how it happened at all,” he thought as he choked on the so-called facts surrounding the LMB's actions in saving the Museum of Internet Smut from destruction. He grumbled to himself about the accuracy of the media and concluded that to get accurate news, Evil Genius Inc. would need to buy up all the media outlets. Evil Genius Ink would be a perfect name for this new business unit. There. Coming up with names for business units never failed to raise his spirits.
As Tamper patted himself on the back there was an unexpected call on Comm system. Calls at home were a rarity, though more often than one would expect at a Secure and Undisclosed Location. Come to think of it, real estate sales would be another perfect venture for Evil Genius, Inc.…
On screen was the flaming visage of Nova Girl looking a bit more dour than normal. “Good Morning Tamper. Hope this isn't a bad time?” she greeted in her all-business tone.
“Is there ever a good time?” snapped Tamper, still smarting over the role she'd played in his latest loss.
Not that she cared. “Probably not. Listen TL, I need a favor,” Nova Girl said in her sweetest voice.
“I don't like your tone.”
“You never like my tones," she replied briskly, a note of annoyance in her tone. "But if you'd rather, I could list all the times I saved your behind...”
Tamper blanched. “Really, that's not necessary. What do you want?”
“Remember the vanilla pudding?”
“How could I forget?” said Tamper sarcastically.
“There’s a problem with the production...”
“And why pray tell should I help you with this?” Tamper questioned in a rather disinterested tone.
Nova Girl sighed. It always pained her to offer anything to Tamper. “Fine. If you handle this, I’ll take you as my required date to my parent's dinner this weekend so you talk to daddy about those books.”
Raising his eyebrows, Tamper smirked lightly. “Dinner at the Wellesley’s, how can I refuse?”
LMB 80-PAGE GIANT PRESENTS… TAMPER’S JOURNAL OF WEIRD SPACE SCIENCE
“When I heard the words vanilla pudding, a flood of memories came streaming back into my consciousness. There were so many pleasant memories of a more worry-free time and weekends on the galactic rim where everything was new and waiting to be discovered. The nature of this assignment simply demanded that bring a companion. Caliente was appropriate for several reasons and I thought I would enjoy at least enjoy the trip in the LMB cruiser,” dictated Tamper into his personal log computer.
Caliente rolled her eyes at the magazine she was reading. "So where're we going?" she asked in a bored tone. Glancing his way, she rolled her eyes again adding a, "Geek," under her breath.
“Quiet, Caliente. We are on a commission from Nova Girl.”
“Oh Really?" Cali put down the magazine, interest perked. "You really are a slave for us fiery girls.”
Tamper shot her a look. “Caliente, if Hrun the Barbarian had as much money as Nova Girl I'd be his wench too.”
Picking up her magazine again, she shook her head. “Repeat after me—T.M.I.”
He shook his head. “I'm beginning to regret bringing you.”
Cali smirked behind her magazine and lowered it again. "Why should this be different than any other day?" she said quickly. Then, before he had time to process, she changed the subject. “So what's this job she’s got you on?”
Reaching into the cooler Tamper pulled out a tin of a prepared food product and tossed it to Caliente. “As you know, Nova Girl's family is in the prepared foods business. They achieved their greatest success with this.”
Turning the label Caliente revealed a tin of Nica and Friends Vanilla Pudding. It was a common enough product but until this moment she had never made the connection. On the label were cartoonish renderings of four young sentients: a Tamaranean Girl, a geeky looking green guy and two other individuals Cali didn't recognize.
“So the dork on the label is you?”
Tamper ignored her insult. “Yes, Nova Girl and I discovered this product years ago.”
“But it’s pudding." Cali furrowed her eyebrows at him. "It can't be discovered.”
“Er… well, let me explain…”
“Ooh, time for a flashback!” Caliente cracked open the pudding and prepared to be at least moderately entertained.
Thankful for an excuse to shut Cali up and pass the time, Tamper began his tale without further ado. "It was about fifteen years ago…
"Friday afternoons at the space dock of the Evil Genius Academy were always chaotic. Students would mill about waiting for their rides, engaging in inane planning for weekend frivolity. On this occasion I was tapping on my omnipad doing some important work that I can’t seem to recall right now."
"Some important work," Cali interrupted sardonically.
"Look, do you want to hear the story or not?" Cali nodded, mouth full of pudding. "Then quiet. Anyway, at some point I was joined by Gill Bates who was on his way to his vehicle.
"Now the ever popular Gill cut quite a dashing figure amongst his fellows and was something of an oddity at the Academy. The only member of the class of nerdy analysts that could be described as an athlete, Gill was the natural leader and organizer of all their outings.
'Hey, TL, you gotta ride out to the party this weekend?'
'Sure thing, Gill. I'm coming with Nova.'
'Sweet, she’s pretty hot.'
'I really hadn't noticed.'
'TL, you gotta open your eyes and get on top of these things. The girl is smoking,' said Gill, laughing at my total lack of common sense for things that mattered to most people.
'Well maybe she uses too much moisturizer; you know what happens when Tamaraneans come in contact with those oily crèmes,' was my rather naïve and nonsensical answer to Gill.
'You are hopeless, TL. I can’t even think in numbers big enough to describe how hopeless you are. Anyway, you know where it is. See ya later and BYOB.' Gill smiled as he shook his head and walked away, chuckling under his breath.
"I thought nothing of our interactions until later. 'Thanks for the ride ‘Nica,' I said as I sat in the passenger seat looking at the data feed on the omnipad.
'No trouble seeing as we’re neighbors and all,' Nova Girl replied, peering over momentarily.
'True, scale economies due to our proximity do make this more than expedient.'
'No big words, TL. It’s the weekend.'
'Okay.' That was when I remembered Gill. ''Nica, I have a question. What is BYOB?'
'You’re so hopeless. Fly this thing, will ya? I’m gonna to do my makeup,' Nova Girl commanded with an exasperated look. Releasing the controls she pulled down the vanity mirror and proceeded to flip her hair several times peeking over to see whether I was paying attention. I was being both teenaged and male at the time.
"Most of my mind, however, was more engaged in flying the vehicle, hands at 2 and 10 o’clock as per the instructional course we’d all recently concluded. Several minutes into the sequence there was a loud THUNK.
'What was that?' asked Nova Girl looking up from whatever girly thing she had been doing at the time.
'I think I just hit one of those micro black holes,' I told her matter of factly.
"She looked at me like I was crazy. 'Um how could you do that?'
"I shrugged. 'I thought I could straddle it and skirt the event horizon'
'Great!' she cried, throwing her hands up in the air. 'It just threw us way off course and tore a hole in our fuel cell. Daddy’s gonna kill me.'
'Worry about that later. We need to land to take a look at the damage.'
'That asteroid looks good.'
"Landing the craft was not the end of our worries, as we soon discovered that the surface we landed on was not actually solid. The nose of the vehicle started to sink into the soft surface and we had to climb up and over the back. Nova Girl had to fly me out because I was having trouble climbing. Returning to the sinking ship, she managed to get some of the gear before returning to me.
'HELP!' I shouted. 'I’m sinking here.'
'Hold on, I got you, you big baby. It looks a little more solid over here,' she said as she set down with me with the gear. Our vehicle was now totally submerged in the goo.
'The entire surface is composed of this substance ‘Nica,' I pointed out obviously.
'Yeah but what is it?' she questioned. 'And what’s that smell?'
Using my superior intellect, I'd already deduced an answer to that question. 'It is composed of simple short-chain carbohydrates, lipids and glycoproteins. It also contains significant amounts of 4-Hydroxy-3-ethoxybenzaldehyde which is responsible for that smell.'
“She blinked at me. 'So you’re saying this stuff is vanilla pudding?'
“I nodded. 'Correct, it’s quite edible. Though I wouldn't recommend it. I'm reading contamination with anandamine.'
“Rolling her eyes, she crossed her arms. 'Lovely, so we also get high if we eat it?'
'Possibly…' There was an ominious noise. 'What’s that sound?” As soon as I asked, I realized that we were not the only living things on the surface.
'Gee now what? Local wildlife?' asked Nova Girl with her patented annoyed, rich girl expression as she looked to the sky.
"Bat-like creatures were swooping down at us; coming from every direction. They were vicious things and quite large, too. I got smacked hard and was knocked to the ground. Looking up I saw the most majestic site any young boy could ever hope to see. Nova Girl was in flight and at full flame burning those nasty creatures and chasing them off. I could see her naked fully lit silhouette against the dark sky. I would suggest that in that moment my lifelong obsession with girls with flame powers was born.
"That’s about all there is to tell about that. We spent two weeks on that pudding ball repairing our emergency beacon and waiting for the search party. It was difficult because all we had to eat was that pudding and the high level of anandamine made it difficult to concentrate.
Caliente blinked at Tamper. "That's it?" she asked, mouth hanging open. “Two teenagers alone for two weeks high on vanilla pudding and that’s all there is to tell?" She shook her head at him, mouth opening and closing second time. "You… you… loser! My God. Such a geek. It hurts. You put other geeks to shame." Smirking, she raised an eyebrow at him. "I always knew you liked us hot girls, though. I mean, the drool was a dead giveaway but still. Ha! Nova Girl got you good and you never got nothing for your troubles." She snickered for a few moments, then sobered and tapped her chin curiously. "There's one thing I don’t get, though. Why is there a ball of stoner pudding just floating in space?”
Tamper looked at her and smiled slightly. “We discovered later that within the pudding ball there is a megascopic organism on the order of 200 meters in diameter. The pudding mixture is a sugary secretion that contains narcotics. It serves to attract and drug potential prey for the creature. For our science study that year we created a system to harvest and wash away the psychoactive effects of the slime to make it a viable product.”
Cali turned green. “So… this stuff I’m eating is really slime from some sort of giant space amoeba?” she questioned in a low tone, fear evident in her voice.
His smile turned into a full on grin. “Indeed it is,” he confirmed.
Throwing the empty package at his head, Cali made a b-line for the rear hatch. “God, I think I’m going to be sick!”
Yellow Kid sprawled on the divan in the office on the 945th floor of the Primary Color Gang's Headquarters, snoring softly as the communicator chimed. The Gay Green Giant's voice rang loudly through the air. "Billy!" "Dang it Billy wake up! Don't force me be unladylike!"
Groggily answering the summons YK says, "Umm? Grunt. What, Bob? I was having the nicest dream about...uh, nevermind."
"Grab some security and head down to the floor. Would you please? Oh, get Bluetooth Kid too. I want some special talent onboard for this."
YK stretches and yawns, buttoning up the monk's robe he traditionally wears and replies, "Oh allright. This better be good."
"It is. Sarya's here."
"Crap! The Empress? I'll be right down."
Moments later the LMBP hero and the newest member of the once infamous Primary Color Gang arrive in a tense situation. The Five stand poised as if they expect to be attacked at any moment, the Gay Green Giant stands colsely and speaks to the Emerald Empress.
YK speaks in a low voice to his companion, "It's imperative that you monitor all electronics here. Tharok is particularly adept at breaking security systems. We're counting on your cyber-powers here. Time to step up into the big leagues buddy."
Blue Tooth nods his head at Yellow and they walk side by side into the room.
Standing regally in the entrance to the Supervillian's Emporium, Sarya of Vengar and her entourage awaited the attention of the management.All the while the sales staff studiously avoided looking at her and the members of The Fatal Five.
The Giant hurries toward the group in the entrance to greet the Emerald Empress warmly "Sarya Dahling! So good to see you. Have you decided to do something about the field of grass you grow on your beautiful head?"
The Empress glances coldly at Bob and answers imperiously, "Evillo has announced an "event" and I plan to attend next week. Do you think you can do something with my companions here so they don't embarrass me at a formal event?"
"Oh my yes! I've been dying to put something colorful on Tharok for years."
Tharok "harrumphs" and turns away to study the artwork on the walls. "Sketchlad?"
"Why yes. I didn't realize you had an eye for art." The world famous giant claps his hands and says, "Jimmy! Please take this fellow to the men's formal wear assortment and see what we may have in stock."
An immaculately dressed and coiffed young redhead moves to Tharok and tells him to "Walk this way please." Avoiding the obvious joke, the half man half robot supervillian follows the boy to the selection of handsomely tailored formal wear.
Another clap of the hands and another staffer appears at 3G's side, "Escort Validus to the cafeteria will you dear? He's such a sweet boy and boys are always hungry. I happen to know he's particularly fond of desserts. Be sure to have Chef prepare him something special." Validus grins happily as the young curvaceous blond sales girl takes him by the hand and leads him away.
A quiet buzz in 3G's ear announces that Tharok has been busily attempting to hack the security systems of the building while trying on a series of Tuxedos.
"Sarya dear? Will you please tell your cyborg to leave my security systems alone? I'm afraid his efforts are wasted. Given the nature of my business there are a series of power dampers installed in the building that effectively render most of my customers powerless while they're shopping. I'm afraid my insurance provider insisted on it." "And will you PLEASE tell mano to quite touching things?"
The Empress glances at Bob and waves at the Eye which swiftly floats away. "That's what I thought. The Eye has been quite annoyed since we came in."
"Oh well." The Empress adds, "It's not like we're here to kill anyone today. I have to admit, Bob, that I'm quite enjoying this. It's not often that a girl as notorious as I am gets a chance to do a little shopping without having to fight the Science Police too."
"Well, that's sweet.",says Bob. "Here, I simply must see how this emerald lame looks with this new outfit."
In the meantime Mano, as uncooperative as always strolls through the shop peering into cases and refusing to speak to the sales assisstant following him around. "Sir? may I interest you in..." "Grunt" "Maybe a buff on that lovely bubble?" "Grunt" "Sir, really! The Emerald Empress frightens the bejeebus out of me. Will you at least pretend to look at a few of the wonderfully tailored Tuxedos?"
Mano turns slowly toward the polite youn man, "I really don't care. Tell you what. You pick out one that fits me and we're finished. This party Sarya wants us to go to is probably nothing more that another attempt by Evillo to foist one of those disgusting children of his off on some hormonally challenged super doofus. It really doesn't mean much to me."
In the cafeteria validus happily crams a three layer chocolate cake in his mouth and smacks lustily.
The three members of the PCG stand in the doorway waving goodbye to the Fatal Five. The male villians were carrying several colorfully wrapped packages and glancing nervously at the Empress who was smiling broadly and waving back happily at the store clerks. "See you next year losers!" Validus was licking chocolate sauce from his fingers and grinning like a 5000lb idiot.
"Did he get anything from the systems, Billy?" YK asks the new kid, "Well?" "Only if you count thirty three java games, Season 2 of Batman Beyond and a download of the last four years of 3G's advertising." They laugh together and sigh wearily. Turning together they walk back inside.
-------------------- Some people are like slinkys: not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you knock them down a flight of stairs
From: Penthouse atop Levitz Hall, LMBP Plaza, Embassy Row, Legion World | Registered: Jul 2003
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