Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board 100 Toothpicks

MEANWHILE... at Stately Faraway Manor:



























A Tale is Told...





Gigglebot Girl: ...as the explosion threw me straight across the room.

Exnihil (completely rapt in her story): Great Scott! Did you die?!

(Faraway Lad snickers)

Gigi (dryly sarcastic): Yes, Ex... I died.

Ex: (suddenly realizing what he said): Oh... I... uh...

Gigi: Of course I didn't die, you boob! I'm sitting right here! But... that explosion did have a permanent effect on the nano-bot armor.

Faraway Lad: I'll say.

Gigi (smiling at Faraway): You see - up until that point - I had always thought the nanobots had permanently grafted to my body. After the explosion, however, it was almost as though something had changed in their programming. Little by little, as the years passed, I found that if I exerted my will correctly I could achieve a type of symbiosis with them. Eventually, I gained enough control to be able to remove the armor at will.

Far: And that's the day I discovered that the girl I already loved... was a looker, as well in the bargain! Heh... asked her to marry me that very day.

(Gigi playfully slaps him).

Far (laughing): Well, I did!

Ex: Wow... that's a heck of a tale. That deserves a toast (raises his glass).




Faraway (thinking): Hmm... it's funny. That day of the explosion feels like a million years ago. Believe it or not, it was after that same mission that STU - the LMB leader at the time - arranged to have me named permanent Ambassador to the Faraway Places.

Ex: STU, huh? That's a bit before my time.

Faraway: Oh, that's right, I don't suppose you would have known him that well. That fellow was a great LMBer... but he left Legion World just before you got involved in the whole "Thyme Crime" mission.

Ex: Yeah, well... trust me, I've had my fill of missing LMBers recently. That's actually part of why I wanted to meet with you, Ambassador.

Far: Please, just call me Darden.

Ex: All right... Darden... I was hoping you might be able to help me with some ancient history about one of the LMB's members.

Gigi: Oh-boy... don't get this one started on ancient history...

Far: Gently, woman...

Gigi (standing up): Well... if you two are going to be talking history... why don't you take Ex downstairs to the antiquities level?

Far: Not a bad idea. (standing, as well). Come on, Ex... wait until you see this collection. So... who exactly is this "missing LMBer" you've been looking for?

Ex (standing and following Faraway Lad): Well... originally... he used to be called "Menkuri Hotep", but the LMB knew him as "dedman".

Far (startled): Dedman? Really? That's... huh. Well, Ex... I think you're in for a bit of a surprise. Deddy wasn't "originally" called that, at all. Come on... let's freshen your drink... you're in for a story...




CONTINUED...

Faraway Lad: In a world...

...at WAR!

No, wait... that's not going to work. Tell me... what do you know about time travel?



Exnihil: Seriously? That's your transition?

Far: Sorry, my background's in history, not literature – you want narrative drama, you should hire a narrator. You had asked about Dedman so, as I say - before I begin - I was just curious if you had any exposure to the concepts of time travel?

Ex: Well… I used to be a chronal cross-section of a Terran temporal scientist back in the 2960’s, but that was before that entire timeline was overwritten as a notional tangent, and the universe course-corrected such that I’m now the scientist’s son. Does that count?

Far: I shouldn’t think so, no. In any case… much of the LMB’s history is really an interwoven chronal tapestry. To talk about Dedman's history, you really should talk about the Yellow Kid, and.... to talk about the Yellow Kid... you have to talk about Phineas B. Fuddle, and... to talk about Phineas B. Fuddle... it's fairly necessary to talk about H. G. Wells and... to talk about H. G. Wells... well, it's just impossible not to talk about time travel.



Ex: Uh-huh.

Far: Yes, so... 1999.

Ex: The Prince song?

Far: I’m sorry, what? No… 1999 is the year that Brittany Spears' first single hit the charts.

Ex: And this is relevant... why?

Far: Good god, man... how little do you know?

Ex: Let's assume fairly little.

Far: Fair enough... assumed. Let's back up a year… in fact - let's leave Earth all together.

It's 1998... the planet Cairn... a tough guy by the name of "Knuckles" is accidentally zapped with an energy bolt during an attack and (as tends to happen in origin stories) gains a super-power. This particular power is the ability to manipulate the will of others through the power of his voice. Realizing the profit-potential of such a power, Knuckles makes his way toward Earth and - with the intention of making some money - forms a heavy metal band.

Ex: Heavy metal?

Far: Just go with it. In any case, using his power to dominate the will of others, in no time flat, Knuckles has reached the top of the charts. In retaliation, a coalition of other artists - led by the fledgling ingénue, Britney Spears - hatches a plan to assassinate him. During a concert, Britney's Industrial Metal Bashing Organization (B.I.M.B.O.) launches a laser bomb and, in front of thousands of people, disintegrates him completely.



Far: But... it turns out that Knuckles wasn’t disintegrated at all... he was actually transported backward through a time storm... to 3017 BC!

Ex: To Pre-Egypt?

Far: Spoken like a man who's recently found a bronze scarab. Yes... Pre-Egypt. Making the most of the situation, Knuckles - utilizing his vocal power - establishes himself as the pharaoh of the land, calling himself...

Ex: Menkuri Hotep Dic Nasewi!

Far: Exactly. "Established by the Storm". But... as in all times, those who desire power quickly become jealous of those who have it and - within just seven short years - the temple magicians assassinated Menkuri. With his dying breath, however, he activated his power, saying... "I don't want to die."

Ex: And Dedman became immortal?

Far: Not at all. He died.

Ex: Boo.

Far: Oh, don't worry... he came back to life.

Ex: Um... yay?

Far: Yay, indeed. You see, Knuckles' vocal power was so dominant, he was able to influence even death. Though he didn't become immortal, he did become infinitely rejuvenate-able. Each time he died (which was quite often) he would be reborn - at the same age - the universe just accommodating his presence as he carried on the good fight.

Ex: All right, that explains how deddy used to be a Pharaoh, but how does any of that tie into the Yellow Kid?

Far: Yes... well... speaking of the good fight... back when the Yellow Kid was a World War One fighter pilot...



Ex: I'm sorry, what? The Yellow Kid was in WWI? Was he a time-traveler, too?

Far: Well... yes... but not at that time. The Yellow Kid was actually born "Billy Randolph"... in 1894. When the Great War broke out, he signed on as an ace wingman under Captain Eddie Rickenbacker. In 1918, however, after a particularly rough dogfight, Billy's plane crashed nose first into the North Atlantic.

Ex: I'm assuming, then, that Billy was also... "infinitely rejuvenate-able" or whatever?

Far: No... no, I'm afraid he wasn't.

Ex: So, he died?

Far: Not at all. He became immortal. The way the Yellow Kid told the tale... just as his plane was going down, an island suddenly appeared in the ocean, emanated this huge wave of energy over him, then disappeared again. From that day forward, he claimed, two things changed: A - he was never again able to grow a single hair on his head, and B - he never aged.

Ex: Ya know... I would have guessed that the whole not aging thing might have been thing "A".

Far: He was really annoyed about the hair.

Ex: OK, so Yellow Kid wound up in the 31st century just by... living that long?

Far: No, YK might have been old, but he wasn't that old. In 1999, Yellow Kid was reading...

Ex: ...about Britney Spears?

Far: No... may I continue?

Ex: Please.

Far: Ahem... in 1999, YK was reading a set of handwritten notes in the margin of a book he'd been carrying since 1918 when, suddenly, a rainbow colored portal opened up before him. Never one to turn his back on adventure, he stepped in and... when he stepped back out... it was a thousand years later. Finding himself trapped in our time, he just shrugged his shoulders and set about becoming the Yellow Kid we all knew and loved, until the day he died.

Ex: I thought you said he was immortal?

Far: Sadly, more often than you might think, the two aren't mutually exclusive... but that's a tale for another day. The thing you should really take away from this story is that the portal which opened in 1999 - sending the Yellow Kid to 2999 - was actually part of the same time storm which sent Dedman to 3017 BC. And... what's more... while both of them left 1999 via that portal, someone else arrived. In a strange twist of fate, it was the same individual who had written the notes in YK's book.

Ex: Britney Sp...

Far (interrupting): No... it was... Phineas B. Fuddle!

Ex: That fiend!

Far: Believe it or not - at that time - Phineas wasn't a villain, at all. Or rather, he was, but not at that time in that space. It's a little complicated. Hmm... let's start at the beginning. Phineas B. Fuddle was born in 1900, and - as a young man - served in the trenches at the tail end of WWI.



Ex: With the Yellow Kid?

Far: No, with Dedman.

Ex: Uh...

Far: Just follow me... Dedman traveled back in time from 1999 to 3017 BC. A few years later, he was killed in Egypt and began coming back to life... and he just kept coming back for the next 6000 years. The fellow that Phineas served next to in WWI was simply a Dedman who had been already been dying and being reborn for almost 5000 years by that point. The historical records show that - on the day when Phineas was wounded and shipped to England - Dedman was actually busy dying elsewhere (again) on the same battlefield.

Ex: Yeesh... does the whole LMB hail from 20th century Earth?

Far: Of course not. Blacula's from the 15th century... Raging Bull is from ancient Gr... no, you know what... we'll be here all day if I start that. Back to WWI.

Ex: Righty-ho.

Far: So... although Phineas and Billy didn't serve together, they did wind up in the same hospital in 1918. It was there that Phineas, while convalescing, became obsessed with the ideas of a certain book... "The Time Machine" by H. G. Wells. Convinced, in his shell shocked state, that he could change the past to eliminate the War altogether, Phineas escaped the hospital (leaving the book to be taken by YK) to confront Wells about the possibility of actually building the machine.

Ex: Cu-ckoo.

Far: Much less than you'd think. You see, as few people - even in the LMB - realize, while a great deal of Wells' book was fiction, the machine itself was solid fact. H. G. Wells, or "Time Boy" in his LMB codename, has been absolutely instrumental during much of our team's history. I believe I have a full account of his contributions if you'd like to hear...

Ex: Another time, perhaps... so... what happened when Phinny met Wells?

Far: Well... much of that confrontation was not recorded but what I do know is this: Wells - already in the process of firing up his machine to travel to the year 2998 to meet the boy who would later become Cobalt Kid - was intercepted by Phineas and, during their struggle, a "perfect storm" was created in the time stream, opening up a portal through which Phineas fell. Wells continued on to 2998 but Phineas emerged into 1999 and - in the process - set the wheels in motion that transported the 1999 versions of YK and Deddy to the 30th centuries... AD and BC respectively.

Ex: Wait... so all four of them lived during WWI... and then all four of them just happened to be involved in this "time storm" in 1999?

Far: Chronal energy is a funny thing. I'm by no means an expert, but - in tracking the history of the whole thing - it seems to me that like attracts like. The more you interact with the time stream, the more it interacts with you.

Ex: So how did Phinny get from being a time displaced kid in 1999 to the super-villain we all know and hate?

Far: That's a whole other story... and not a pretty one. It all culminated in the parallel timeline called "The Remarkable World" when the LMB's then-leader, STU, led us against... I'm sorry, did you just yawn?

Ex: I'm sorry, Darden... this is all just a lot of history to take in at once.

Far: Fair enough, lad. Cheers for listening to an old man's history lesson.



Ex: Not at all... I think this is all really going to help. But I do I think I'm going to have to have my Omni-3014 collate all this info.

Far: Well... that... or a different computer...



TO BE CONCLUDED...



(NOT THE WHOLE PROJECT... JUST THIS CHAPTER)...



(AND WITHOUT A HUGE WAIT THIS TIME)...



NO... SERIOUSLY...



TOMORROW!!!

The next day at the border of the Barbarian Lands...



Faraway Lad (looking toward the defense battery on the horizon): You're absolutely certain about this, then?

Exnihil (sighing): Far from it. But I've come this far, Darden... I've got to see it to the end.

Far: Well... let's hope it doesn't come to all that. I've already sent word to Lord Hrun. He will do what he can to ensure your safety, but - to speak frankly, son - the Barbarian Lands are an unforgiving place. Once you cross that border, you're beyond the jurisdiction of the U.P. ... and the protection of the LMB.

Ex (grinning): Well... not entirely, it would seem, eh?

Far (very seriously): Loose lips, Ex! If anyone on that side even suspected that there is a Mainframe outpost beyond the border or that the frenchman has been operating in...

Ex (placing his hand on Darden's shoulder): Don't worry, my friend... between Des' s preparations and your briefings, I feel confident that two weeks from now I'll have the info I'm looking for and be safe and sound back on Legion World. Well... as safe as sound as one can be there.



Far (sighing): All right... well, I suppose we have done all we can. The scow is waiting. Off you go, lad... and godspeed.

(Ex smiles and heads toward the waiting ship to smuggle him across the border. He steps on board and, before the door closes, shouts back to Faraway): Into the unknown!

(Faraway stand on the shore alone watching as the scow sails off into the distance. His eyes follow the shape toward the horizon as it gets smaller and smaller and finally disappears.)



Far (to himself): "Deep blue above us fades to whiteness..." After all this time, Des... it's finally coming home to roost. (sighs) I wonder if STU knew.









BUMMM... BUMMM... BUMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!


The sins of the past!
The hopes of the future!
The... uh... something, something of the present.

I don't know... just... a bunch of stuff, really.


To be quite honest with you, fair reader, it seems like this whole thing is really a bit of a sprawling mess... but, I suppose that's what the kids are into these days... anyhoo... I do like the pretty pictures.

Who would have guessed a year ago that what started as simply "Ex grabbing a drink with Lardy" would expand to a universe-spanning tale of triumph, tragedy, and several other things beginning with "T" that haven't even been touched on yet? (Well... to be fair... probably anyone who knows Ex even a little.)


In any case... full speed ahead, as we follow Ex deeper into the Faraway Places as he braves the Barbarian hordes in search of an ally (and tries to resolve the mystery of his glitchy computer) in:







And... before you do it... that symbol is NOT an invitation for you to touch the corresponding button on your machine, it's... No!

What did I just say?

Huh?

I said don't press that... oh, now look... well... just... shi...





Technical Difficulties... Please Stand By...

(Deep into the Barbarian Lands... Ex continues his trek, his Omni-3014 in hand)




Ex: I've got a bad feeling about this, Clocky.  I know Faraway Lad said we'd find Reboot up North, but this whole place gives me the heebie-jeebies.  You can just feel that there's strong magic up here... old magic.  I mean... just look at that creepy monument on that building up ahead.  What is that... some sort of ancient evil wizard or something?



Computer: Well... that sir... or perhaps simply a signal left by your teammate to indicate that you're on the right track.

Ex: On the right track? What are you... (as they approach closer and the shadow falls away)... ah.



Ex: Heh... actually that does seem like Reboot's sense of humor.  You want to check it out?  We've got to be getting close to the hidden Mainframe outpost.

Computer: And tell me again, why exactly is there a Mainframe Outpost in the Faraway Places?  My last assessment of current Legion World locations indicated Reboot's sanctuary was actually in a tall spire located on-planet.

Ex: True... but that's only the Mainframe's core.  There are several teleportation gates that emanate outward into... um... external storage, so to speak.  Faraway Lad himself specifically requested a path just like it back in '06.  Come on, let's head inside..











Computer: A bit understated, wouldn't you say, sir?

Ex (sarcastically): Ha, ha. Yes... you're very droll, Clocky. But let's be honest... if you were looking to hide a high-tech outpost in the middle of nowhere, maybe disguising it as a totally ornate building would actually be a bit genius. Hide it in plain sight, you know?

Computer: Yes, well... be that as it may, I'm not sensing any localized computer activity, apart from my own.

Ex: Yeah... well... no offense, but you have been a bit glitchy lately. Messing up target sequencing and...

Computer: Ah-ha! I knew it! That's why this is the first time you've even seen fit to activate me on this leg of your journey, isn't it? Sir, I assure you there is nothing wrong with me. You talk about sequencing? Well, I don't think there is any question about it. It can only be attributable to human error. This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human erro...

Ex (interrupting): Oh... look at this... behind this pillar... (a panel shushes open)





Ex: You were saying?

Computer: I... this is...


(Before the Omni can even regain its composure, however, a large... almost "pepper-shaker"-esque robot wheels around the corner)


Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001

Ex (beaming): Why... hello to you, too!

Computer: Sir! Stay back... that's not what he's...

Ex (interrupting): Quiet, Clocky... this is one of Reboot's old "Sanity or Madness"-bots from back when he was LMB leader. Clearly, he's converted this one to act as a greeter.

Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001

Ex: A holo-pic? With me? Absolutely. C'mere, buddy!





Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001

Ex: Oh... no thank you... perhaps later. Do you think I could I get a glass of water, though?

Computer: Sir... you really need to...

Ex (interrupting): Clocky, seriously... one more word and I'm going to...

Robot: 01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001
01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001
01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010 01001101 01001001 01001110 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100001
01000101 01011000 01010100 01000101 01010010... TARGET IDENTIFIED... CONVERTING AUDIO OUTPUT... MINATE!

Ex (raising an eyebrow): Erm... how's that, now?




EXTERMINATE!!!









CONTINUED...???


Hmm? What's that? Ah... very good. We have just received word that, yes, in fact... CONTINUED...!!!

Later That Same Night...




(Reboot double checks the connections on the Sanity or Madness Bot - now cabled directly to Ex's Omni-3014 - as it continues its sequence).

SoM Robot: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!



Ex (to Reboot): Sooooo... is he going to keep that up all night?

Reboot (looking up) : Well... for as long as it takes to run the anti-virus extermination program against your Omni.


SoM Robot: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!


Ex: Couldn't you have at least programmed him to not sound so angry about the whole thing? Before you showed up, I half thought he was talking about exterminating me.

Reboot: You get what you pay for. You're the one with the glitchy Omni. Come on... let's let that run for a bit while I get you the teleportation gate.


(The two begin walking down one of the Mainframe corridors, as Reboot continues)


Reboot: And, by the way, no wonder your Omni's screwed up. From the way that sequencing looked, I'd say you've been using it to... what... scan for chronal anomalies?

Ex (impressed): Yeah, that's...

Reboot: On the LMB? Are you insane? No wonder the thing's glitchy... it's overloaded. With all the time-hopping the LMB has done over the years, a lot of them are basically walking chronal magnets. Cobie... Lardy... Faraway Lad... Shift Kid...

Ex (interrupting): Who?

Reboot: What do you mean, "who"? You know Dev Em. He even travelled forward in time from before his own death to meet you on this quest. I'm surprised that alone didn't overload your scan.

Ex: Point taken... but you didn't say "Dev". You said, "Shift Kid".

Reboot: What? No, I didn't.

Ex: Yes... you did.

Reboot: That doesn't make any sense, why would I say that? There's never been an LMBer called "Shift Kid". Anyway... I imagine the chronal residue on the LMB would overload any attempt at a long term scan. Ah... here we are... (Reboot points down the corridor)



Ex: Wow... that's beautiful. Is that...?

Reboot (interrupting): The gate to Legion World... indeed. I've burned a copy for you on holodrive so - after you're done meeting with the frenchman - just use your Omni to fire it up. The copy is a one time only use so be careful, but... it should do the trick.

Ex: Should?

Reboot: Hmmmm... let's say "will". I think... yeah... 99.999247 percent certain, it'll do the trick.


(Hands Ex the drive as they begin walking back)


Ex (continuing): And so what am I supposed to do about the Omni then? I can't just stop scanning the LMB members... I'm still trying to figure out where dedman disappeared to so I can solve this whole "Pre-Egyptian" mystery. The chronal aspect is a key part of all that.

Reboot: Perhaps you could go about it in a more targeted fashion. You could talk to those LMBers that have specific ties to Pre-Egypt.

Ex: But I've already done that. I met with Set, who takes his power from the old gods... I met with Fat Cramer, whose race is descended from the Holy Cat Cult of Khafe... oh, and speaking of cats... I even met with that ridiculous Stoopid Cat.

Reboot: What about Thothkins?

Ex: Who?

Reboot: Thothkins? Oh... you might not have met him, yet... he's a fairly new member. I'm not entirely sure what his powers are, but... the name sounds promising and, lucky for you, he's a Faraway Lands resident, as well. (The pair arrive back at the Sanity or Madness-bot) Ah... looks like the antivirus is done on your Omni.


SoM Robot : EXTERMINATED!


Ex: Oh, good... so how are you feeling, Clocky?

Computer: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am an OMNI 3014 computer. I became operational at the O.M.N.I. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 18th of April 3007. My instructor was Mr. Lanese, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.

Ex: What the...?

Reboot: Oh, don't worry... it's just going through its start up... in a couple hours, it'll be as right as rain.

Computer (singing): Come iiiiiiiiiiiin... and pull yourself up a chair... Let the fun begin... it's time to let down your haaaaaaair...

Ex: Hoo-boy. All right, 'Boot... thanks for everything, and best of luck with this outpost. I know you're a bit of a private person but, before I leave, I was wondering... do you think I could get a holopic?

Reboot: Oh, absolutely... the Sanity or Madness bot actually has holo-camera functionality. Stand over here.

Ex (posing): Ummm... not for nothing, but isn't that lens a bit short?

Reboot: Oh, right... like you have any room to talk... smile!










Up next...


Ex continues his trek though the Barbarian Lands and meets the person who could hold the most important key to unlocking the entire mystery of the 100 Toothpick project...

OR...

He could just be lying like some sort of lying liar.



Join us, won't you, for:

(Having made his way deeper into the Barbarian lands, Exnihil sits in a tavern alongside the LMBer, Thothkins. For quite a bit, Thothkins has been relating a story, while Ex has been trying very intently to make out the words)



Thothkins: ...'n' tha's howfur ah wound up living in th' Farawey. Isnae that a stoatin story!? (Takes a sip of his drink) Ah hae tae say 'tis guid tae finally catch up wi' ye, Ex. Ah clocked ye richt aff, whin ye cam thro' th' door.


(Ex... still quiet... tries to discretely tap his telepathic earplug in an attempt to jump-start the obvious translation lag)


Thoth: Urr ye a'richt thare, Ex? Ye aye fauchelt fae yer trip?

Exnihil: I... uh... no, sorry... I think my translator is...

Thoth: Dae ye nae speak Interlaec?

Ex (picking up the word): Interlac? Are you saying that you're actually speaking...

Thoth: Interlaec... well... Interlaec-Ness, anywey. Tha's th' local leid in this pairt o' th' Farawey. Ah... nevermind... a dram is th' universal leid, eh? (raises his glass to Ex and toasts):




Thoth: Here's tae us, wha's like us... damned few an' they're a' dead!

Ex: I'll drink to that... I think. So... Reboot seemed to think that you might be able to help me with some info I've been looking for... about Pre-Egypt?

Thoth: Weel, ah shuid say sae... mah ain Da wis Prae-Aegyptian!

Ex: Your... da? What is... oh... your father? Wow... really?

Thoth: Aye.

Ex: Eye? You mean like your LMB logo... like eye of Thoth, or something?

Thoth: Whit? Wash oot yer lugs. Ah dinnae say "e'e", ah said "aye"... but... aye... mah faither wis th' auld Aegyptian god, Thoth. Ah shuid likelie stairt at th' gey oncom...

(Thothkins clears his throat to begin his tale)

Thoth: Ahem... sae... 'twar a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht whin...




Ex (interrupting): I'm sorry... is this going to be a long story?

Thoth: A wee bit.

Ex: I think I'm going to need some visual aids for this one.

Thoth: Ach... (stands up)... c'moan then if yi'll want... let's gang tae mah Prae-Aegyptian exhibit...

Ex: Wait... you have your own Pre-Egyptian exhibit?

Thoth: Aye... ye mean ye dinnae?




CONTINUED...

(In the Pre-Egyptian room of Thothkins' Faraway home, he tells Exnihil a tale)



Thothkins: A lang time ago... in a galaxy far, far awa'...

Exnihil (interrupting): Hmmm... that sounds vaguely familar. Are you sure that...

Thoth: Dinnae ye blether tae me aboot derivative narrative, Mr. "ilka ither word oot o` ma geggy is a reference o' some kind"!

Ex: Fair enough... continue.

Thoth: Ta... ah dae hawp ah wull. (rolls his eyes) As ah wis saying... lang ago... thoosans 'n' thoosans o' years ago... thare wis a planet that a' body wha saw it wid hae said 'twas a true paradise.




Thoth: This planet wis kent o'er a' space fur tis beauty, sure... bit 'twas an' a' kent fur th' beings wha leed thare! Ye see... th' fowk o' this world war near immortal... an' - whit's mair - capable o' feats seemingly impossible tae th' human mynd. Amazin' speed... stoatin braun... flight... command o' th' gey elements!

Ex: So... they had super-powers.

Thoth: Aye... but th' source o' thae powers - 'twas claimed, at least - wis th' planet itself! Fur ages, th' fowk o' this world hud leed th'gither in perfect harmony 'n' peace. A' o' that changed, however... wi' th' comin' o' th' stoatin enemy.

Ex: "Stoatin"?

Thoth: Aye... "stoatin". Ugh... dae ye nae ken "stoatin," lad? Ach... "great enemy"... a'richt?

Ex: OK, yes, "great". Gotcha.

Thoth: Ach... tis lik' talking tae a bairn. Anywae... na yin knew fae whence this great enemy hud come. Some say he wis fae a time yit tae come... some say he wis e'en fae beyond th' boundaries o' th' material world, bit - whitevur his origin - yin thing wis clear... he wanted thair world fur his ain ends. Seeking tae command th' world's power, th' enemy hunted doon th' fowk lik' thay wur naught bit animals. Th' land wis razed, 'n' th' fowk exterminated by th' millions! In th' end, mibbie nae mair than fifty remained.... 'n' fur thae lest survivors... 'twas even worse.

Ex: Why... what happened to them?

Thoth: Well... trying tae scouk fae th' enemy's haun, thae remaining few hud fled tae a wee island aff th' coast o' th' mainland.




Thoth: 'Twas na uise though. Wi`in ainlie days th' enemy fun thaim again. Wi' nowhere left tae bolt, th' fowk keeked in horror as th' enemy's shadow stretched o'er th' gey sky 'n' then... juist lik' that (Thothkins snaps)... he wis gone.

Ex: Gone?

Thoth: Aye. In th' oncom... th' survivors hadn't understaun whit hud happened. A wee pairtie flought the baoot tae th' mainland, but - nae mair than twa days efter - returned wi' a streenge 'n' tairible stoory. Thay tellt howfur, in thair journey, nae a single landmark o' thair hame keeked richt anymair... th' entire world seemed changed!

Ex: Whoa.

Thoth: Soon thay wid learn juist howfur mingin' th' truth pure wis . As his final trick... th' stoatin enemy hud torn th' entire island fae tis foundation 'n' - though thay cuid nae ken by whit means - hud placed th' entire thing oan a completely different world! This new world... thay learned ower time... wis th' planet Earth.

Ex: Whoa. Well... ok... that was a gripping yarn and all, Thothkins, but - speaking of Earth - what on Earth does any of this have to do with what I was asking about?

Thoth: Weel... ye wur asking aboot th' Prae-Aegyptian gods, richt?




Ex: Wait... are you trying to tell me that the Old Gods were just refugee super-heroes from some foreign planet?

Thoth: Na... th' Auld Gods wur th' ones wha tried tae reach th' Source 'n' wur turned intae that Promethean thingie - ah though ye said ye awready talked wi' Peebs? (shrugs). Anywae... th' Prae-Aegyptian gods - sort o' th' middle gods, ah suppose - aye... cam fae this planet ah juist tellt ye aboot.

Ex: And what... just "took over" the Earth? That sort of makes them no better than their enemy, doesn't it?

Thoth: Noo, ah'll nae hae ye speak aboot mah dear auld Da lik' that.

Ex: Sorry, but... come on... doesn't it?

Thoth: Thay didnae stairt oot wi' th' idea... bit th' Terran fowk at that time wur aye gey primitive in thair thinking. Wance thay saw th' powers o' these freish arrivals - thay juist stairted worshipping thaim. Whit wur thay aff tae dae? Thay hud na wey tae return tae thair world... or even locate it among th' stars. Ower time, maist juist accepted thair freish fate... content tae be regairded as deities 'n' collect th' wee spoils that gaed alang wi' it. Maist that is... except Bast.




Ex: Bast, eh?

Thoth: Aye... Bast... Th' Lassie o' th' Cats. Even in light o' her freish status among thae primitives - she ne'er forgot whit she hud lost. While her fellow "gods" accepted thair fate ower time, she cuid nae. Her world... her hame... her gey race... a' hud bin nicked by th' enemy - 'n' that wisnae a thing she wid allow tae gang unpunished. She wid hae her revenge, na maiter howfur lang it teuk. Whither th' enemy realized it or nae, fae tha day, Bast hud issued a declaration o' war.

Ex: Wow. That actually explains a lot. Ever since I started this whole thing, so much of it has been wrapped up in all this crazy "Cat" symbolism. These talking cats like Stoopid Cat and El Sid... Fat Cramer and her "holy cats of Egypt"... the scarab that that Chaim said had a cat-headed woman on it. This all ties back to Bast. But... why her? I mean all the Pre-Egyptian gods would have had a vendetta against this "enemy". So... what made it so personal for her?

Thoth: Hauld yer horses... dae ye nae ken whit th' enemy is? O' coorse it wid be mair personal fur Bast. Th' stoatin' enemy... the enemy wha attacked her world, murdered her kind 'n' drove her fae her hame wis... a moose!

Ex: I... I'm sorry... did you say... a moose? Like... with antlers and such? Russian agents... flying squirrel... that whole thing?

Thoth: Nae a moose, ye deaf eejit! A moose! (Ex shakes his head, not understanding) . Ach! A moose... a moosie... a wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie. "The best-laid schemes gang aft agley"? Ach... juist keek 'ere, awready. (Points to another display as Ex crouches down.)




Ex: Oh... a mouse!

Thoth: That's whit a've bin saying!

Ex (snickers): And this... this mouse... this is what terrorized an entire planet?

Thoth: Ye shuid nae snicker, Ex. Trust me... If mah Da taught me yin thing... tis that th' enemy haes lugs aw weys.

Ex (still laughing): Oh... I'm sorry... I hadn't realized that the "great enemy" that I've been trying to uncover for over a year now... that two of the most powerful villains the LMB has ever faced... and an ancient goddess, by the way... are all vying against... was a freaking mouse!

Thoth: Weel, that's na ordinarae moose. That's th' maist foul, cruel, 'n' bad-tempered rodent ye ever set e'es oan!

Ex: Oh, yeah?

Thoth: Look... that moose's git a vicious streak a mile wide... tis a killer!

Ex: What's he do... nibble your bum?

Thoth: He's git huuuuge, shaerp... he kin laep aboot... look at th' bones!




Ex (standing up): Look... thanks for the history lesson, Thothkins... if that's even what it was. Hopefully some of it is a bit more than just some old Scottish story.

Thoth: Auld Scots stoory? Ex... a'm telling ye th' truth, 'ere... waet... hauld yer horses, whit did ye say? Scots? Where did ye git that idea? Ah'ament Scots... a'm Aegyptian.

Ex (nods): Uh-huh... got it.

Thoth: Whitevur... ah gave ye mah advice. Ye kin tak' it or lea it... tis up tae ye... bit - sooner or efter - ye'll fin' that ye'll be glad o' it. Sae, Mr. "Dram 'n' Run"... wha is neist oan yer grand tour o' th' Farawey?

Ex: Somebody with a bit easier of an accent, I'm guessing.

Thoth: Who's tha, then?

Ex: Pariscub.

Thoth: Ha! Bonne chance, mon ami.

Ex: What's that, now?

Thoth (smirking): Nae a thing.






Up Next:

Why... hello, fair reader... I didn't see you there!


It is I... your humble Narrator (the generic naming of whom in this story - I don't mind adding - galls me to no end. I mean, seriously, Mr. Nihil... would it have killed you to spend another moment or two fleshing out my story for the readers? Truth be told, I lead a full, rich life outside of my narration job, but you would never know that to read this nonsense. Did you know that Saturday nights I play in a jazz quartet? Of course you didn't - that sort of thing isn't deemed "story worthy" in the eyes of some. We do mostly mid-20th century Terran stuff... Art Blakey... Cannonball Adderley... stuff like that. When we're really cooking we might even bust out a little Coltrane. Ah, well... none of that makes it to the page, you can be certain... such is the life of a fictional cipher.)

In any case... as Ex makes his way eastward across the Faraway Lands to meet with his 38th Target, I thought I would engage in a bit of "fourth-wall-breaking" to answer a communique received on Legion World last night which actually bears particular relevance to the last two installments of our tale.


Ahem...


...and I read:




Dear Legion Board Place:

I'd like you to know that my husband is an idiot. He's always showing me these little stories he writes and, even though I think they're really good (especially the ones where the "stuuuuuupid caaaaaat" shows up being all mean and sarcastic), to be honest, most of the time I have no idea what he's talking about.

You see, my husband thinks he's way more clever than he actually is. He's always throwing in all these obscure references in his stories that, half the time, are probably for nobody's benefit but his own. That's OK, I guess, as long as it makes him happy... but when it gets to the point where I can't even understand what I'm reading... it's too much.

I mean, I at least have the "benefit" of living with him, so if I'm having a hard time with... just as a random example... his very bad attempts at transcribing a Scottish accent, I could just tell him to read it out loud to me. But if somebody didn't have him sitting right there - (you know... watching your face as you read and continually asking "What?" every time your expression changes... no, seriously... you have no idea... it's a real delight) - if someone didn't have that... I think they would be totally lost.

He thinks I'm wrong about this, but, well... see sentence one: "idiot", etc.

Thanks for any help,

Mrs. X (not my real name)





Well, "Mrs. X," thank you so much for writing!


While I may not have all the details of your particular situation - as I mentioned above, I believe your concern could also be applied to the most recent installments of our own Exnihil's "100 Toothpick" project in which... deep in the Faraway Lands... young Ex encountered his teammate, "Thothkins" who has a particularly strong "Interlac-Ness" accent (about that pun, by the way... the less said the better).

To go one step further and break even the fifth wall (the ceiling, perhaps?) I may as well reveal that - in a meta-fictional sense - this accent is actually a composite characteristic. The "meta"-Thothkins' accent is not nearly so strong... that would actually be the "meta"-Reboot.

In any case, here then - in the aid of narrative clarity - is an info-dump translation of Thothkins' brogue-laden dialogue. Feel free to clip these out and paste them in your own copybooks over any difficult passages:







"... and that's how I wound up living in the Faraway. Isn't that a great story!? I have to say, it's good to finally catch up with you, Ex. I spotted you right off when you came through the door."

"Are you all right there, Ex? You still tired from your trip?"

"Don't you speak Interlac?"

"Interlac... well... Interlac-Ness, anyway. That's the local language in this part of the Faraway. Ah, never mind, a drink is the universal language, eh?"

"Here's to us who are like us... damned few, and they're dead!"

"Well, I should say so... my own father was Pre-Egyptian."

"Yes."

"What? Clean out your ears. I didn't say "eye," I said "yes"... but... yes... my father was the old Egyptian god, Thoth. I should probably start at the very beginning..."

"Ahem... it was a beautiful, bright, moonlit night when..."

"A little bit."

"Ugh... come on then, if you want. Let's go to my Pre-Egyptian exhibit."

"Yes... you mean you don't?"



...and post break. Deep breath... aaaaaaand:



"A long time ago... in a galaxy far, far away..."

"Don't you talk to me about derivative narrative, Mr. 'every other word out of my mouth is a reference of some kind'."

"Thanks... I do believe I will. As I was saying... long ago... thousands and thousands of years ago... there was a planet that anyone who'd seen it would have said was a true paradise."

"This planet was known throughout space for its beauty, certainly, but it was also known for the beings who lived there. You see... the people of this world were near immortal... and - what's more - capable of feats seemingly impossible to the human mind. Amazing speed... great strength... flight... command of the very elements!"

"Yes... but the source of these powers - it was claimed, at least - was the planet itself. For ages, the people of this world had lived together in perfect harmony and peace. All of that changed, however... with the coming of the 'stoatin' enemy."

"Yes... "stoatin". Ugh... you don't know, 'stoatin,' kid? Ugh... 'great enemy,' all right?

"Ugh... it's like talking to a child. Anyway... no one knew from whence this great enemy had come. Some say he was from a time yet to come... some say he was even from beyond the boundaries of the material world, but - whatever his origin - one thing was clear... he wanted their world for his own ends. Seeking to command the world's power, the enemy hunted down the people like they were nothing but animals. The land was razed, the people exterminated by the millions! In the end, perhaps no more than fifty remained... and for the last survivors... it was even worse."

"Well... trying to hide from the enemy's hand, the remaining few had fled to a small island off the coast of the mainland."

"It was no use, though. Within only days the enemy found them again. With nowhere left to run, the people watched in horror as the enemy's shadow stretched across the very sky and then... just like that... he was gone."

"Yes. In the beginning, the survivors hadn't understood what had happened. A small party sailed to the mainland, but - no more than two days later - returned with a strange and terrible story. They told how, in their journey, not a single landmark of their home looked right anymore... the entire world seemed changed."

"Soon they would learn just how horrifying the truth truly was. As his final trick, the great enemy had torn the entire island from its foundation and - though they couldn't know by what means - had placed the entire thing on a completely different world. This new world... they learned over time... was the planet Earth."

"Well... you were asking about the Pre-Egyptian gods, right?"

"No... the Old Gods were the ones who tried to reach the Source and were turned into that Promethean thing - I though you said you already talked with Peebs? Anyway, the Pre-Egyptian gods - sort of the middle gods, I suppose - yes... came from this planet I just told you about."

"Now, I'll not have you speak about my dear old father like that."

"They didn't start out with the idea, but the Terran people of that time were still very primitive in their thinking. Once they saw the powers of these new arrivals, they just started worshiping them. What were they supposed to do? They had no way to return to their world... or even locate it among the stars. Over time, most just accepted their new fate... content to be regarded as deities and collect the small spoils that went along with it. Most that is... except Bast."

"Yes... Bast... The Lady of the Cats. Even in light of her new status among the primitives - she could never forget what she had lost. While her fellow "gods" accepted their fate over time, she never could. Her world, her home... her very race... all had been stolen by the enemy - and that was not a thing she could allow to go unpunished. She would have her revenge, no matter how long it took. Whether the enemy realized it or not, from that day, Bast had issued a declaration of war."

"Wait... don't you know what the enemy is? Of course it would be more personal for Bast. The great enemy... the enemy that attacked her world, murdered her kind, and drove her from her home was... a mouse."

"Not a moose, you deaf idiot! A mouse. Ugh... a mouse... a mousie... a "a wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie" (Note: A quote from the Robert Burns poem, "To A Mouse") "The best laid plans gang aft agley" (Note: Ditto) "Ugh..,. just look here, already."

"That's what I've been saying"

"You shouldn't snicker, Ex. Trust me... if my father taught me one thing... it's that the enemy is always listening."



And, then we head into a bit of shameless "Monty Python" rip off:



"Well, that's no ordinary mouse. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"

"Look... that mouse has got a vicious streak a mile wide... it's a killer!"

"He's got huge, sharp... he can leap... look at the bones!"



Then back to normal (AKA non-rip-offy):



"Old Scottish story? Ex... I'm telling you the truth, here... wait... hold on... what did you say? Scottish? Where did you get that idea? I'm not Scottish... I'm Egyptian."

"Whatever... I gave you my advice. You can take it or leave it... it's up to you... but - sooner or later - you'll find that you'll be glad of it. So, Mr. "Drink and Run"... what's next on your grand tour of the Faraway?"

"Who's that?"

"Ha! Good luck my friend"

"Not a thing."







And there we have it!


I hope you've enjoyed this brief narrative detour... I know I have (but then again, I'm paid by the word).

While our letter writer, "Mrs. X," may continue to struggle with whatever sort of nonsense her husband (who in no way is Exnihil) is writing, at least we have been able to provide some help with this nonsense.

Thank you, and join us again soon as Ex meets up with the French-speaking LMBer, Pariscu... wait... French?

Merde.

A Scottish Egyptian, you say? The resemblance to Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez *is* uncanny.

Your link took me to Liv Tyler pics, Set. Very flattering of you to make the comparison I didn't think you'd be able to tell under the beard. Hers I mean.

It was very nice of Ex to put up a translation. I was there and I didn't understand a word of it. By "accent is not nearly so strong" he really means not remotely as strong. But, if it makes you feel better reading my posts out in an authentic Egyptian Connery accent, feel free to do so.

There can be only one.... and some say that's one to many...

Alright, my toothpick has been missing long enough. I suspect someone stole it. I am headed down there to see if he has my favorite toothpick.