Jovial Attack Squad! - Legion World

Tenz, Chuck, and Lu just broadsided me (with material from this thread, I think)!

i'm working on my version of a joy buzzer

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tee hee!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Where's a Coluan stand-up comic when you need one?

"Joke number 1...."

Hmm, I didn't think they were the potty humor kind. Guess one just never knows, huh?

If Monstress were still with us, RIP, I think she would make a fine leader for the JAS.

Why did the giant squid go beserk?

Quote

Originally posted by Mekt Ranzz:
i'm working on my version of a joy buzzer

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Mekt, your smiley is tres hot and more than a wee bit funny, too!

I always -did- have a thing for bad-boy non-twins.

*hic*

Quote

Originally posted by MLLASH:
I always -did- have a thing for bad-boy non-twins.

indeed, so have i.

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Q: Did Mordru's undead army rule?

A: Of corpse!

Oh dear. It's the return (reboot?) of the Legion of Corny Jokes!

Cham went to a psychiatrist. "Doc Mayavale", he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Ask me if I'm a tree.

What?

Ask me if I'm a tree.

Okay, are you a tree?

No.

....

I hate you, Cham.

Q: Why is a room full of Carggites empty?

A: Because there isn't a single person in it.

A Bismollian walks into a doctor's office with pluberry pie in his ear and elvabird up his nose. "You're not eating right!" says the doctor.

Q: How do you catch a unique Winathian?

A: Unique up on him.

Q: When Legionnaires fly in a V, why is one side longer than the other?

A: Because there are more Legionnaires on that side.

Wildfire walks into a bar. "Get me a beer and a mop."

Q: Why do Lightning Beasts paint their toenails purple?

A: So they can hide in the pluberry patch!

Q: Have you ever seen a Lightning Beast in a pluberry patch?

A: Works rather well, doesn't it?

Q: What did the Devil Fish say when it hit the wall?

A: Dam!

Q: When is a Legion cruiser not a Legion cruiser?

A: When it turns into a hangar bay!

Timber Wolf walks into a bar. "I'd like a kono........ ................. ................ .............. .................... ................ ................. ................... ................ ................ .................. juice, please."

"Sure, buddy", says the bartender, "but why the long pause?"

"I don't know", says Timber Wolf, "They've always been that way."

Q: What do you give a sick Starhavenite?

A: Tweetment

Did you hear about the Kwai that called in sick? Yeah, they didn't have the flew.

Q: Lydda, what does your hometown hairdresser do to your hair?

A: Eclipse it!

Q: What do rejected applicants chew?

A: Bumble gum

Q: What goes up but not down?

A: Bouncing Boy stuck in a Space-Tree.

How do you keep an Earther in suspense?

...

Q: What did the Legion leader say to the Legionnaires before they got into the cruiser?

A: Let's get into the cruiser, Legionnaires!

Whew!

The suspense was killing me!

Q: Why does Brainy look for things twice?

A: Oh, he researches everything.

Q:There were 99 on a Legion Jet Platform, and then it turned over. What was left?

A: 66

Q: Why do you call Bgztl "Bgztl"?

A: Because you speak Interlac

Did you hear that Antennae Boy got hitched? Yeah, the wedding sucked but the reception was great!

Q: What did Tellus do last Saturday night?

A: He went out with the tide

Q: Why did Wildfire stay in last Saturday night?

A: He had no body to go out with

Q: What do Tarik the Mute and Grimbor the Chainsman have in common?

A: same middle name

Quote

Originally posted by Thriftshop Debutante:
Q: Why did Wildfire stay in last Saturday night?

A: He had no body to go out with

This one is particularly good, Teeds...

I like the 99/66 one. Is that based on a classic joke?

I'd never heard it before.

Yes I ripped it off if that's what you mean.

Q: Which of Mano's hands is best to write with?

A: Neither - it's best to write with a dupli-writing stylus!

I'd tell you another joke about Porcupine Pete but what's the point?

Q: What in the Legion is out of bounds?

A: An exhausted Chuck!

Q: What followed Tellus?

A: His tail

Q: What followed Lar?

A: His tale

Q: What followed Sun Boy's kiss?

A: Tell.

Q: What wasn't behind Quislet?

A: Teall

Q: What did one Somahturian say to another?

A: Stay away! I think I've got penicillin!

Q: What has a horn and is found in a Winathian men's room?

A: A lost Lightning Beast

Q: Where does the Time Trapper keep his armies?

A: Up his sleevies.

Q: Why did Mordru go over the mountain?

A: Because he couldn't go under it!

Two pluberry muffins were cooking in the Space-Oven.
"Sure is hot in here" said the first one.

"HOLY SQUAJ! A TALKING PLUBERRY MUFFIN!" yelled the second one.

Q: Why do Interplanetay Bank Beasts growl?

A: Because they don't know any dirty word.

Did you hear that Konk got a perfect report card? He went straight to the head of the class.

Q: Why is Nullport a lot like your closet?

A: It's got a lot of hangars.

(You may have your own personal punchline for the preceding joke.)

Q:How is Mon-El like a Takron-Galtos prisoner?

A: They are both interested in outer space.

(if you make up your own punchline to the preceding joke, please keep it to yourself.)

Thom: Doc, what's the best thing to do when your ear rings?

Dr. Gym'll: Answer it! But sign this credit voucher first!

Q: What happens when Duplicate Boy gets sick?

A: Gas Girl tries helium.

Q: Why wasn't Infectious Lass taken seriously?

A: She would always bacilli.

*chortle*

Cham: Imagine you were stapped to a table with Doctor Mayavale about to kill you to use you in the K'Revvenna -- the Avatandan ceremony of spiritual rebirth. What would you do?

Ayla: Stop imagining!

Q: What's better than presence of mind when Validus aims a brain-blast at you?

A: Absence of body

Q: Where do Legionnaires leave their cruisers?

A: At parking meteors.

Two Lisnerian dudes travelled back to 20th century Smallville. They stepped out of the Time Bubble and were thrilled to see the TV aerials on every house. "Check it out!" said one to his buddy. "Girls!"

Q: How does a shy Dryadian work up his courage?

A: He gets a little boulder.

Q: How many pieces of string does it takes to circle Legion World?

A: One, if it's long enough.

What do you get when Computo's circuits are breep! reversed?

A lot of backtalk.

Peerb!

What did Leeta 87 get when she crossed two Banyo fruits?

A pair of slippers.

What goes through water but doesn't get wet?

Light Lass. (She was wearing a transuit.)

When did the Progenitor stop being lonely?

When he learned how to make new friends.

How does Bard Brunel hear?

With engine-ears!

Why did Brainiac 5 take two aspirins and go to bed?

He had a code in his head.

Why dis Lyle whisper 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... ?

He was a counter-spy.

What happens when you fall in love with a Luck Lord?

The bastard cheats on you!

Quote

Originally posted by Thriftshop Debutante:
Q: What has a horn and is found in a Winathian men's room?

A: A lost Lightning Beast

This will be addressed in chapters 4-6 and 11 of my autobiography.
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Why was Ultra Boy hanging around the computer?

He was looking for the Space-Bar.

Quote

Originally posted by Thriftshop Debutante:
Q: How do you catch a unique Winathian?

A: Unique up on him.

no need for that! just message me.

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Tasmia: Dr. Gym'll, will you treat me?

Dr. Gym'll: No! Sign the credit voucher like everyone else!

I wouldn't stand next to the Time Trapper if I was you.

Why?

Because he's full of ticks!

What do you get when you add 13 of Drura's opponents with another 13 of Drura's opponents?

Twenty-sicks.

Medic: You have a broken leg, a broken arm, four fractured ribs, and probably a brain concussion. Are you in great pain?

Brainy: Only when I laugh.

Quote

Originally posted by Thriftshop Debutante:
I wouldn't stand next to the Time Trapper if I was you.

Why?

Because he's full of ticks!

And he tocks too much.

What would Salu have called herself if she had a different favorite flower?

Mini-Mum!

Which of The Polecat's senses are most pleasing?

His ab-sense.

Garth, why is it better to lose an arm than a leg?

Because when you lose a leg you lose something to (re-) boot.

If the Legionnaires' flight rings shorted out, what wuld they fall against?

Their inclinations.

Why did Mekt skip the tour of Ireland?

He doesn't go in for Dublin.

How can you make Vi short?

Borrow fifty creds off her & don't repay!

What makes a lad into a lady?

Y.

(The same answer works for the reversed question!)

What does Arm-Fall-Off Boy do when he stands on one foot?

He lifts up the other.

Why should the Athramites take care to give themselves ample workspace?

Because if you are hemmed in by a crowd you could get a stitch in your side.

Why does Colossal Boy eat less than Micro Lad?

Gim makes a little go a long way.

How many pluberry pancakes can you eat on an empty stomach?

One.

Why did the people hail Queen Projectra while going through the streets?

She was reigning and they thought they might hail.

Why is this joke like a powered-up Chuck?

Neither has any point.

What goes most against farmboy Garth's grain?

The reaper.

What's the difference between a sentient and a banyo peel?

Soemtimes a sentient throws the banyo peel into the gutter and sometimes the banyo peel throws the sentient into the gutter.

(This one is copied unchanged from the source.)

Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out?

Because she has not a spark left.

(Another one [almost] direct from the book.)

What did the sunbeam say [to propose] to the violet?

"Wilt thou?" And she wilted.

What LSH word is pronounced wrong by most?

Wrong, of course.

What is that which divides by uniting and unites by dividing?

Space-scissors!

What sea is most travelled by Coluans?

Brilliancy.

What C is most treasured by Invisible spies?

(I'll have to get back to you on this one -- TD.)

What makes a pair of Tyroc's elf booties?

Two elf booties.

How do you know superheroes aren't that big on the Space-Lottery?

They only ever get one chance.

You're so cute when you're making a triumphant return!

(I swiped these from Society Girl)

Projectra: Knock knock.

Val: Who's there?

Projectra: We are the Absolute Monarch of Orando, my Prince Honeybuns.

Val: Hot damn!

Thom: Knock knock, Nura.

Nura: Give it UP, Thom.

Why was Tusker rejected from the Legion?

They only admit teenagers and he was getting a bit long in the tooth.

Supergirl: I'm taking Streaky to the Space-Vet. His head has been drooping.

Brainy: Neck's weak?

Supergirl: No, tomorrow!

Teacher: If you have 2 creds in your left pocket and 3 creds in your right pocket, what do you have?

Lester Spiffany: Someone else's pants, obviously. Really!

Why does Brin need glasses?

Because he's fur-sighted.

So is the Jovial Mastadon on the Jovial Attack Squad?

Oh, wait that's Jovian.

What goes 99 thump, 99 thump, thump, 99 thump...?

Gates with a wooden limb-thingie.

66 thump if the Jet Platform turns over.

Ayla: Do you know the difference between a pluberry and a lightning beast?

Brin: No.

Ayla: Remind me to never send you to the space-supermarket!

Two from Winath
Three from Cargg
What is four and five?

9!

What's the best way to talk to Charma?

Long distance.

What does Dream Girl take off last before she gets into bed?

Her feet...off the floor.

How does Spider Girl travel?

By hair-playin'.

Val found a new way to open doors when he gained what?

Monarch-y.

How do you get to Carggenie Hall?

Practice, practice, practice!

Why did Val save up all his vacation time?

He was hoping for a queen getaway.

Why did Ron-Karr Tot cry?

His mommy was a wafer too long.

<Pov, Groaning worse than a parkbench under Fat Tenzil...>

What makes an Adult Legionnaire bald?

Lack of hair.

That one's dedicated to you, Pov baby.

Who succeeded the first UP President?

The second UP President.

What's the recommended way to file an Atomic Axe?

Under A.

How does Val stop a charging Daxamite?

He takes away his space-credit card.

What's the largest ant in the United Planets?

Antares

What's the largest living ant in the United Planets?

A Camelephant.

How far can you fly into the space of the Khundian Empire?

Halfway. After that you're flying out of the Khundian Empire.

What starts with I, ends with E, and has thousands of letters in it?

Interplanetary Post Office.

Why did Rond Vidar wear high-hemmed pants?

So he would be ready for the reboot.

Ron-Karr: Wow! You're pretty dirty.

The Mess: Thanks! My mother says I'd look better clean, but what does she know?

What kind of thinking makes Universo most tired?

Wrestling with your conscience.

What kind of headaches does Calorie Queen get?

Pounding ones.

Where can you find Splitter with his legs fallen off?

Where you left him.

Tasmia: Do you serve crabs here?

Tenz: No, Dr. Gym'll saw to that.

Tasmia: Stick to the joke script, nasshead.

Tenz: *Tee hee!*

What do you call a basement when you're locked in it with Lester Spiffany?

A whine cellar

What's the best way to have a good Space-Party?

Planet.

How do you get a Legion Academy graduate off your space-porch?

Pay him for the space-pizza.

What kind of parties do Takron-Galtos "guests" like?

Going-away parties.

Why does Quake Kid get blamed when his dates go badly?

Because it's usually his fault.

(Says Calamity King? Oh, that's rich.

)

What would you get if you crossed Porcupine Pete with Silver Slasher?

Sore hands.

When do new Legionnaires get their flight rings?

On Flyday.

How do you praise Computo?

"Data Boy!"

What did Computo say when the Legionnaires asked him where the villains were?

"They went data way!"

Gas Girl and I tried to keep our fling a secret, but we weren't successful.

What happened?

It leaked out.

What would you get if you crossed chocolate space-pudding with Imra's thigh-high boots?

Yelled at.

Why shouldn't you trust a Durlan?

They're kind of shifty.

What do you give Lester Spiffany, who has everything?

A space-burglar alarm.

Why did the pluberry need a space-lawyer?

Because it was in a jam. (Of space.)

Which Legion villain has the cleanest teeth?

A-lak-tar

How did the Legionnaires catch the Hykraian criminal?

Something else else at the crime scene smelt fishy.

How do you tell Chuck and Luornu's kid apart from the others?

Theirs is a bouncing baby boy.

Why did Nardo release Night Girl from the Super-Stalag of Space?

Good beehiver.

How did Mordru and Mysa meet?

By chants.

Triad Purple: Knock knock.

Triad Orange: Who's there?

Triad Purple: Orange ya glad I didn't say banyo fruit?

Triad Orange: Isn't this joke supposed to be longer?

Triad Purple: Yeah, but the holo starts in 10 minutes. Let's go.

What do you get when you cross Arm-Falls Off Boy with Dream Girl?

Someone whose arm falls asleep.

What's purple and white and orange and purple and white and orange and purple and white and orange?

Triad caught in a revolving door.

What do you call a crazy rich smug rhyming mystic?

Lester Spliff-any!

Did you hear the one about the 74,975 Legionnaires who were out-standing in their field?

What did Gim say when accepting the "Legionnaire of the Year" award?

"I'd like to thank the little people."

Why did the Legionnaires try to teach Mordru French?

So he'd no longer be Merciless!

Have you heard the three about the girl from Cargg?

They're all about Purple, aren't they?

Probably.

Probably!

Why did the Carggite cross the road?

It was time to split.

Why did the Coluan cross the road?

3.14/2x.

Why did the Dryad cross the road?

Actually, the road started it when it said something about the Dryad's mother!

We now return to Brainiac Stand-Up, already in progress....

"Take a Naltorian as my wife? Puh-lease!"

What do you call the Legion Academy graduate who was last in the class?

Crystal Kid.

Why did Gas Girl and Mist Master hold a debate at the fan convention?

They wanted to clear the air.

Is it hard to imprison Polecat?

No, you just need the Right Guard.

A five-credit piece walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. This is a singles bar."

A dyslexic Coluan walked into a Bra

After his unsuccessful tryout, Breath Boy asked the Legionnaires, "Do you think I'll be joining the Legion anytime soon?"

They replied, "Don't hold your breath."

Encore! Encore!

What did the Progenitor like to order?

Spare ribs.

Quote from Nasal Hazel at the LSH Pep Rally:

"Smells like teen spirit!"

Oh gawd, I'm sorry....

Eek! You should be.

Originally Posted by Thriftshop Debutante

Q: When is a Legion cruiser not a Legion cruiser?

A: When it turns into a hangar bay!

Why was Andrew Nolan so attractive to the Legion ladies?

It's all about the Ferro-mones!

When Evolvo got his power, someone should've warned him about not letting it all go to his head.

Eh, he needed a good reason for his big head.

Why are Mercurians not bothered by rising fuel prices?

Because they always have gas money!

Q: What is the best way to talk to Colossal Boy?

A: Use big words.

I was dating a Bgztlr for a while, but she ghosted me.

We went to that new restaurant on the Moon. The food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.

Invisible Kid is no good at lying. You can see right through him.

Q: What is Shrinking Violet’s favorite flower?

A: A wallflower

Q: What is Computo’s favorite snack?

A: Computer chips.

Q: What does Lightning Lad wear under his costume?

A: Thunderwear

Q: What kind of dog did Mysa get?

A: A labracadabrador.

Q: How does Brainiac 5 keep his breath fresh?

A: With experi-mints.

Q: How does Shadow Kid cut his hair?

A: Eclipse it.

Q: How do you get a Jovian Camelephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open the door, put it in.

Q: How do you get a Saturnian Tentacaglor into the refrigerator?

A: Open the door, take out the Jovian Camelephant, and put it in.

Q: Why don’t Jovian Camelephants chew gum?

A: They do, just not in public.

Q: How do you make a Saturnian Tentacaglor laugh?

A: Ten tickles.

(There are probably hundreds of Elephant Jokes that can be adapted as Jovian Camelephant Jokes)

Q: What is fast, loud, and crunchy?

A: A rocket chip.

Q: What is one thing Sun Boy gets every year on his birthday, guaranteed?

A: One sola-year older.

Q: Why can’t H’Hrnath of Nullport Shipyards sing?

A: He’s always a little hoarse.

Q: Why do Hykraians live in saltwater?

A: Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Q: Why are Hykraians so well educated?

A: Because they live in schools.

Q: What has eight hands, eight legs, and eight eyes?

A: Eight space pirates.

Q: What is Catspaw’s favorite color?

A: Purr-ple.

If White Witch and Glorith 2 moved in together, would they be broommates?

If White Witch and Glorith 2 went to the beach together, would they be they sandwitches?

Q: What was Mysa Nal’s favorite subject in school?

A: Spelling.

Q: What did Blok say to Mysa?

A: Don’t take me for granite.

Q: Which side of Furball has the most fur?

A: The outside.

Q: Why did Benn Pares take a shower?

A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q: What kind of shoes does Benn Pares wear?

A: Sneakers.

¿Por qué Beauty Blaze es útil en la cocina?

Porque ella hace fuego y lava.