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 Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Free Lemonade for Lemurs.
That is our campaign theme.
It's something that we feel has always been the message of Legion World. And perhaps, just perhaps, it's something you've always felt, but just couldn't find the words. Well, He Who Wanders has saved you the thinking, and at half the cost.
Free Lemonade for Lemurs.
A theme that speaks to the masses, of which you are don'tcha know. So put away that frown, toss out the gloom, finish that sandwich, scrub behind your ears, wait, you missed that ear, and make the right choice for you and for Legion World!
Stop wondering and start Wandering!
VOTE FOR HE WHO WANDERS - A Step In The Right Direction. Sorta... Well, You Know What We Mean. C'mon.
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 Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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Candid Quotes from He Who Wanders, candidate for Leader, known associate of the usual suspects.
"I'm telling you this mike is not on!"
"If it were up to me, I'd walk the elephant, and pitch to the rhino. But that's me."
"Mmm... well, I guess I'll go with... the... pasta. No, wait... wait... make that... the... lamb chops. Sorry, uh... maybe the chicken alfredo? Ah, screw it, give me the mystery chili."
"Just one more lousy stinkin number and I woulda had two bills large!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, distingushed members of the legislature and the press, I have an announcement: The Time Trapper is really my insurance agent. Now if you'll just examine the fold-out graphs in the little booklets I prepared, we can move onto the video surveillance..."
"You know, I bet someday they'll make Pez dispensers in braille."
"The only thing we have to fear is pain, death, taxes, disease, hurricanes, earthquakes, plagues, meteors, extraterrestial invasions, and Mordru. So vote for me. Whatya got to lose?"
Indeed.
VOTE WANDERER - Better than taxes, hurricanes, and Mordru all rolled into one.
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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Posts: 1,096 |
Let’s take a look at He Who Wanders’ positions on some controversial Legion issues.
Garth-Porty: “I like Garth. I like Proty. Can’t we all just get along?”
Jarth: “I like Garth. I like Jan. Can’t we all just get along?”
Garth-Mayavale: “Gonna hurl!!!”
Which Legion era is best: “Aren’t all eras just the bestest they can be?! Care for candy? My mom made it.”
The Archie Legion: “Monstress was supposed to be Moose? Not Miss Grundy?”
Legion of Super-Pets: “My policy has consistently been that all paramilitary animal organizations should be neutered.”
Romdur: “What the hell is a ‘Romdur?’ Something else else infocommercial product?”
Gas Girl: “Everybody laughs, but why do you think Mordru and Mekt have white hair? They fought Gas Girl. When nothing else works, ya call Gas Girl.”
DNA: “I don’t care what the tests show. I was at the ballgame with my dentist and his landlord, so unless that’s a warrant in pocket, flatfoot, you can go guard the damn sidewalk!”
There you have it, a remarkably diverse if rambling philosophy on all things Legion, and who among us cannot cop to the same. What is a Legion fan if not opinionated and spiced with occasional geeky incoherence.
So when you wander into the Polling Booth, remember:
HE WHO WANDERS - A Legion Geek Just Like The Rest Of Us! And he’s from the Midwest, so you can trust him around the wimmenfolk.
DON'T BE A DINK!
VOTE WANDERER!
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096 |
If you're wandering aimlessly in the wilderness, crying for Bambi's mama, shivering in the leaves and bark and bugs, and you need someone to Lead you to the promised land, then take the hand of the one candidate who's been there, done that!
VOTE HE WHO WANDERS!
AND GET ON THE PATH TO COMICBOOK UTOPIA!
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141
Not much between despair and ecstacy
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Not much between despair and ecstacy
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141 |
That's Reep -- campaign manager whose enthusiasm knows no bounds.  And, for the record, I want to say that everything he's said about me is true (though it depends on in which alternate reality we're talking about).
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Posts: 1,096 |
HE WHO WANDERS - A Modest Moderator, A Candid Candidate, A Legendary Leader
BTW, HWW, call for you on line three. I think it's the President of France. Do you wanna take it, or should I blow him off?
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141
Not much between despair and ecstacy
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Not much between despair and ecstacy
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141 |
Originally posted by Reep:
[b]HE WHO WANDERS - A Modest Moderator, A Candid Candidate, A Legendary Leader
BTW, HWW, call for you on line three. I think it's the President of France. Do you wanna take it, or should I blow him off? [/b] I'm in the middle of watching "Horatio Hornblower." Tell him I'll call him back.
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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He said "Frisky badgers in pants dance in our gardens!" At least I think that's what he said. I don't speak Frenchie. It sounded very passionate. And quite saucy.
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141
Not much between despair and ecstacy
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Not much between despair and ecstacy
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141 |
We don't need no steenking badgers!
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Normally I would agree with you HWW, but every steenking vote counts. But I think the lemurs are workin on the badger vote. Might want to give 'em a ring though, HWW, and put a fire under their butt. Metaphorically speaking, HWW, metaphorically speaking. Let's not revisit the Beppo debacle. God, whatta damn mess that was.
VOTE FOR HE WHO WANDERS!
FLYIN MONKEYS? NO PROBLEM! ANYMORE.
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141
Not much between despair and ecstacy
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Not much between despair and ecstacy
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141 |
I called the lemurs.
They said they ate the badgers.
(I guess the stink didn't bother them.)
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Posts: 1,096 |
No lemonade and lemurs: bad combo.
Recommend we don't tell the French about the badgers till after the election.
Will return to campaigning tomorrow with testimonials galore!
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Unsolicited Legionnaire opinions of He Who Wanders:
Cosmic Boy: “His personality is absolutely magnetic!”
Brainiac 5: “Not even a genius can argue with ‘Free Lemonade For Lemurs!”
M’onel: “I’d leave the Phantom Zone to vote for HWW!”
Chlorophyll Kid: “He just plain grows on ya!”
Shikari: “Leader-Legion!”
Gates: “A man of the People! And Bugs!”
Sister Andromeda: “Truly he is blessed with divine wisdom, except of course for choosing that campaign manager.”
Matter-Eater Lad: “The other candidates give me indigestion!”
R.J. Brande: “Vote Wanderer, by damn!”
Mordru: “He just buries me with his sparkling wit!”
Chameleon: “My antennae are tingling! HWW must be the man for the job!”
Ultra Boy: “Duuuuude!!!”
The Fatal Five: “We’re gonna work the 8th Precinct for him!”
Colossal Boy: “It’s time to take giant steps with He Who Wanders!”
Saturn Girl: “I read that man’s mind! Look out! He has a plan! Grab him! And vote for him!”
DON’T BE HE WHO WONDERS!
VOTE FOR HE WHO WANDERS!
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096 |
HE WHO WANDERS - The only candidate endorsed by four out of five Super-pets! 
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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This just in! Beppo has said all is forgiven and now throws his considerable political weight and funding behind the man with the lemur plan! HE WHO WANDERS - NOW, The only candidate endorsed by Five Out Of Five Super-Pets! 
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Top Ten Campaign Non-Promises by He Who Wanders:
1 Everyone will have to wear a medallion with He Who Wanders’s picture on it.
2 Free lemonade for lemurs. Closed casket burials for badgers.
3 Legion World Economy will based on the value of a good swift kick in the ass. This means you bub.
4 Only Herr Leader will be allowed to call people, “bub.” Unless that’s you’re name. Then you may address yourself as “Bub” or the diminutive “Cardoza.”
5 Protys to be distributed to everyone as sexual surrogates, car-pool lane dummies, and flotation devices (combinations permitted, but limited to two.)
6A - Kill all the lawyers. 6B - Hang the judges. 6C - Hunt down and disembowel all insurance sellers. 6D - Herr Leader will personally reprimand nasty cheerleaders, wayward nurses, and Olympic-class pornstars.
7 Weinerschnitzel hot dog stands to be renamed Wisenheimer Infarction Huts.
8 Playing cards will have a fifth suit - kryptonite. A kryptonite flush beats all full houses, and a royal straight kryptonite flush will be an acceptable substitute for legal identification.
9 There will never again be a bad Legion comic. Never ever ever. Mayavale? Never existed. Gone. Never heard of him.
10 Finally, Mondays will be canceled and sold on E-Bay. Profits will used to buy extra Saturdays and some giant pizzas. Maybe. If you’re real good. Did you clean your room?
If just one of these gets done, won’t that be absolutely remarkable?!
DON’T FORGET THOSE DARN CONDORS!
VOTE HE WHO WANDERS!
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141
Not much between despair and ecstacy
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Not much between despair and ecstacy
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141 |
Originally posted by Reep:
This just in! Beppo has said all is forgiven and now throws his considerable political weight and funding behind the man with the lemur plan!
I knew that if I promised him a tax break on bananas, it would win him back.
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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Hm. He said something about you threatening to "break his little monkey banana" if he didn't, but I knew that was just monkey-talk. Flyin' Super-monkey-talk. Which ain't bad if you don't mind ceramic-pulverizing hissing. I've heard worse. Not really, but you have to keep telling yourself that or you'll lose it in front of a monkey. Try explaining that to a cop.
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141
Not much between despair and ecstacy
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Not much between despair and ecstacy
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 24,141 |
Let me be perfectly clear: I never threatened to break anyone's monkey banana. What I said was that he would get a tax break for his Mondo banana (the one manipped by Joe).
Poor Beppo. All those years aboard Kal-El's rocket ship must have damaged his hearing.
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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Personally I think it's drugs. Or religion. One of those.
VOTE FOR HE WHO WANDERS!
HE NEVER THREATENED TO BREAK ANYONE'S MONKEY BANANA!
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096 |
As the Leader Election Poll closure approaches, we offer a timely selection of speech excerpts from the candidate with oodles and noodles of oomph - He Who Wanders! "I'm tellin' ya, rectangle aren't squares! That's just more damn lies from the cabal of Masonic trigonometrists! Look there's one of those bastards right there! Get 'em!" "Carpeting remnants. Why in god's name did I build my refrigerator out of carpeting remnants..." "Blowback, my ass! You were spitting at me!" "And so officers of the Science Police, I propose we vigorously pursue a progressive policy of either increasing or enlarging the sprinkles on sprinkle donuts. Are you with we?!" "What the hell's a 'lemur' and why is it sitting on my toilet?!" So we at the HWW campaign hope in these final days before voting ends that you'll remember these sentiments and vote your conscience or something else that sounds as noble but less sappy. VOTE FOR HE WHO WANDERS!
DON'T YOU WANT MORE SPRINKLES?  
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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IT'S BETTER TO DIE AS A GEEK, THAN TO LIVE AS A DINK!
VOTE FOR HE WHO WANDERS AND STAND UP FOR MODERATE STANDING-UP-NESS! 
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 11,656
Time Trapper
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Time Trapper
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 11,656 |
Good luck with the election tomorrow, HWW!
"Hey Jim! Get Mon out of the Zone!! And...when do we get Condo back?"
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
Deputy
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096 |
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Re: Final Thoughts from the He Who Wanders Campaign
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,096
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We close this campaign to elect He Who Wanders as glorious Leader with a few memories and lessons learned that we’ve all shared on this long road to the Leader’s Asteroid Compound, Camp Daggle.
Free Lemonade for Lemurs. The campaign’s riveting central theme. “Free Lemonade for Lemurs” - college students will still murmur this during their mid-terms for decades to come. Tomorrow will prove right or wrong the dramatic assertion by He Who Wander that, all along, this has been pivotal message of Legion World.
Who knew the President of France was so... French?.
"Frisky badgers in pants dance in our gardens!" Should our efforts prove successful, this may very well be tomorrow’s headline. It already is our most popular bumper sticker.
The Beppo debacle. Yes, well, if I may step outside my role as campaign manager and speak personally here. There really is no right way, no proven empirical method, to persuade a super-monkey to support a political campaign. Perhaps setting his butt on fire was not the best approach; it may have been ill-mannered, possibly questionable, even “vaudevillian." And yet, He Who Wanders feels he has grown immensely from this experience, and has sworn from now on he’ll only play with matches under supervision, not behind super-monkeys.
And let us not forget that super-monkeys have no long term memory, and thus we take gushing pseudo-pride in saying that during this election, He Who Wanders was the only candidate endorsed by five out of five Super-Pets. We checked the Library of Congress, and as far as can be ascertained, Teddy Roosevelt himself never got a Super-Pet endorsement. Not a single one. Makes you think. If this campaign didn’t make history, it certainly made it up.
A final clarification. The “medallions with He Who Wanders’ picture on it” was only a joke. Lighten up. I mean, seriously. We’re gonna go with belt buckles.
So we’d like to close with the spontaneous chant that started that rainy rally day on Colu and just spread across the galaxy faster than XS on speed! Chant it with us won’t you?
HE NEVER THREATENED TO BREAK ANYONE'S MONKEY BANANA!
HE NEVER THREATENED TO BREAK ANYONE'S MONKEY BANANA!
HE NEVER THREATENED TO BREAK ANYONE'S MONKEY BANANA!
HE WHO WANDERS - Beloved by the whole animal kingdom, except for badgers, and nobody cares about them anyway. Troublemakers, the whole lot of 'em. Send 'em back to France, and don't be to gentle about it. We're stickin' with lemurs. Ya go with who brung ya to the dance.
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