Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board Every 10 Years Forum Nardo's Night Spot

"...how could I have had four children with my wife?"

"...how could I have had four children with my wife?"

Nardo doesn't know about any "blob of protoplasam" angle, but he's kinda thinkin' "stupid" is one damn humungous "rev-up-the-biplanes-Charlie-cause-King-Kong-is-on-the-fucking-Empire-State-Building!" clue.

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Nardo -- why can't I sleep??

No eyelids?

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Hello, Nardo. My name's Violet. I used to shrink to microscopic size but I was always getting stepped on or forgotten, and people wouldn't see me and they'd gossip about me. Now I'm more comfortable as a 20 foot-tall Legionnaire, I'm like, more powerful, you know? But the others think I should just go back to being tiny all the time. They don't like the green streak in my hair, either. I'm so unhappy. What should I do?

Maybe it's just Nardo, but Nardo doesn't have a problem with 20-foot women. Some of Nardo's ex-wives were 20, 30, 40-foot women.

Hub-buh Hub-buh!

But the damn shoe bill was killin' Nardo!

If Nardo may be all serioso and shit, next time when one these freaky normal-sized friend-units starts dissing your planet, then just pick... them... up.

And drop them.

Do it again. And again. Once more. Again please. And... again.

If they still haven't got the message, invert them and repeat.

Nardo calls it "drop out and tune in, you sprockin nasshole." Well, Nardo ex-wives coined the term. Nardo sometimes was the vending machine.

Nardo probably still has a few Susan B. Anthonys rolling around his cranium.

Why take 'em out. Can't spend 'em.

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Nardo, why is it everytime I urinate, I start barking and howling "Stars & Stripes Forever?"

That's gotta be the dumbest fuckin question Nardo has ever heard.

Ever.

Heard.

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Really, it is?

Till now.

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I've been trying to set up a date for my friend, Eyeful Ethel, but all the boys seem scared away by her many eyes. Any advice on how to deal with bi-eyed prejudice against the many-eyed?

No food, water, books for them! One year!

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Nardo -- how can I keep my girlfriend if I'm ... incapable of satisfying her physical needs?? I kinda don't have a body to speak of. She's really hot and I can tell she's checking out our colleagues' packages (sometimes just to rub my "face" in it I'm sure). I have no lips or tongue and I don't even want to mention my "smooth area"... What's a sack of anti-energy to do?

Nardo's three eyes see three possible solutions.

1 - Get a strap-on.

2 - Get a new girlfriend.

3 - Get a new girlfriend with a strap-on.

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What a heapin’ steamin’ load that was! Nardo thought he’d never get off the crapper! A twenty-flusher! Crappin’ in nine dimensions was a lot easier when Nardo was only 800! 900 tops!

Well, Nardo’s gonna reopen The Nite Spot for awhile. Till the next champion constipation comes along!

So now to the Nite Spot playbook tape:

“Remember, dear sniveling bi-eyed callers, you state your puny problems and pitiful questions, and Nardo bestows either a triumphant answer, an unreasonable facsimile, or just plain masterful bored indifference.

And VERY IMPORTANT, you booger-chompin' dinks, Nardo only answers one caller at a time. All callers after the "next caller" and before my answer are all sprockin' nassholes with typical bad fanboy timing! Be first or be ignored!”

Got it? Okay. Now don’t mind the toilet fumes. Wallpaper grows back anyway. At the wages I’m payin’ it, it fuckin’ better!

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Nardo, is it wrong that I'm having lusty thoughts about my neighbor's lawn gnome? It has that "come hither" look permanently plastered to its little cherubic face and one of these days .... oh yeah, baby... one of these days ....

Nardo is reminded of a famous quote from Schopenhauer. Or was it Gertrude Stein? Whatever. Who cares.

"Hey you damn kids! Get off the lawn! And get off the fuckin' lawn gnomes too! Those are my heirs!"

Now as to your specific pre-moistened inquiry, Nardo thinks, in the final analysis - surely Freudian by the way - there can really be only one irreducible question that leads us out of the moral, if somewhat rhythmic quandry you pose: What is the age of consent for lawn gnomes?

Less central, but worthy of years of fanboy scholarship, is the daring observation that if there are lawn gnomes, surely, by all that is very fine or better condition, there must be lawnmower gnomes.

If there weren't, it would be necessary to invent them.

And mass-market them to East Europeans.

Nardo hears they'll buy anything.

Nardo hears many things. Sees many things too.

Three eyes. Beats three nostrils any day of the week. That would be stupid. Whoa, imagine the nose hairs on that guy! Who's gonna hire a mutt like that?

Three nostrils. Scary.

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Nardo,

Glad to see you made it through rehab...

But while you were away some rumors have started flying about a red-skinned, three eyed, chick hanging around SHAMELESS HUSSIES wearing granny glasses and a purple floral print granny dress.

Any Comments??

Nardo would first like to point out that, pound for pound, and dollar for dollar, shameless hussies are a far better buy that shamefilled hussies. Tried 'em both. For Nardo's money, shameless hussies are the top-of-the-line state-of-the-art humperific juice buckets.

Nardo says comparison shopping is the bedrock, or in this case the bed of a free and STD-ravaged monkey-love society.

Now Nardo knows where yer goin' with this, you pit-sniffin Khundish weasel-hyena. But Nardo likes to kid pit-sniffin Khundish weasel-hyenas. Except you!

Nardo has never worn a granny dress except to visit his granny. But a purple floral print?! A purple fuckin floral print?!

Jaysus Christ!, ya goddam weasel-hyena, I got three eyes! Do you know how much a purple fuckin floral print hurts when you got three eyes?!

Flora prints! Fah! Phooey! Fuck 'em!

No food, water, books for you! One... no, two... no a million fuckin' years!

Yeah, a million fuckin' years, pal!

Commandante Nardo says if ya can't do the time, don't so the crime.

Excluding Commandante Nardo of course. I mean get real.

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Nardo, I know you loathe questions about other talk radio hosts, and I applaud this sanity, but do you feel that one has to be a two-faced blowhard drug addict and humungous phony moralizing fat ass twit to be a good talk radio host?

Nardo will make an exception and consider your talk radio question. You ask of Nardo whether one has to be a two-faced blowhard drug addict and humungous phony moralizing fat ass twit to be a good talk radio host.

Present company excepted, it sure as hell seems so. Nardo would also add that being a “fatuous gasbag remarkably stupid enough to get hooked on hillbilly heroin” is really only an notable life achievement in the blithering mediocrity of talk radio.

When Nardo hears other talk radio, he too wants to rant with the chimps.

Nardo thinks that may be the marketing strategy of talk radio.

Nardo thinks many things.

Nardo also has three eyes.

Did Nardo ever mention that?

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Nardo, Hi. I have a pretty good sex life right now, but I'm just not getting enough oral these days. I don't feel like bringing it up again outloud, any other more subtle ways to tell her?

Nardo has studied upon this and field tested for centuries, maybe a millenium. Beats workin.

Here are five successful fellatio persuation scams. Pay attention. Armies have died getting this information to headquarters. This is some serious shit here. Nardo will cover the door.

1 - Crafty wagering. Bet her that she can't use only tongue and achieve Mr. Vesuvius in three minutes, or let's make it easy for her, say within a half hour. Only a cad would win the bet. Unless she wants to go double or nothin'. BTW, sometimes wristwatches stop. Say no more.

2 - Size magnification. There are new nearly invisible polymer hover-magno-screens that can situated at strategic viewpoints, tactical P.O.V.s, whatever. Go from petite or mediocre to "burly quadraped" or Nardo with just a casual glance. Popular with southern belles and northern legislators.

3 - Clown faces. Draw "Winky" or "Grumpy" or "Dubya" or "Lar" on your knobby. Be creative! What female heart can resist a cute 'lil pokemon-like pee-pee pal?!" Not many!

4 - Aromatherapy. Let's say your honey loves the scent of pine. Now what would you put on your pud to draw them hither? That's right, bark and leaves. Let's say they like garlic. Well then wrap that pizza around your pecker and just whistle! Probably will work with her sister too! Don't forget her pet! Be fair.

5 - Faking Death - A true classic. Frantically pass her a written note that informs her that your esophagus is blocked and maybe she can get some air to you thru your sausage. Hop around. Staggger. Collapse in a shuddering seizure. Then whip it out, Jack.

Well, that outta do the job. If not, renumeration is only a matter a agreeing to a price. Hopefully it won't be your balls.

For some reason, Nardo seems to need a blue chick right now.

I got the slingshot and ladder. Where are the eggplants?

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Hey Nard-Job,

A Million F***ing Years...

Don't you think that's just a little harsh?

And, how did you hold up the granny glasses since you ain't got a nose?

Nardo thinks a million fuckin years is about right for a pit-sniffin Khundish weasel-hyena that fuckin uses f***kin instead of fuckin. Grow a fuckin pair, pal.

Alright, maybe it was a little too bleak. Okay, Nardo will knock off 500,000 years. Just like that! Vanished. Never was. Fuckin gone.

Nardo figures you're weepin a river right now, probably chanting "Nardo!" "Nardo!" "Nardo!" That's alright. Glad to do it. Never let it be said Nardo is all nards and no heart.

Aw hell, ya can say it, I really don't give a shit. Couldn't care less. Nardo doesn't even know if Nardo has a heart. Colon Nardo knows; heart - haven't a damn clue, not a one, couldn't care, zip, nada.

Nardo never has worn granny glasses in twelve centuries. Not even for Nardo's granny, who Nardo suspects may be a tranny, but hey, less said.

But if Nardo did wear cheaters, they would stay on through sheer force of will. That and Nardo's eyeballs kinda stick out and have these little freaky sucker-things that hold on to Nardo's stylish shades. They're also good for bug snaggin.

Nardo takes the protein wherever Nardo can get it. But Nardo not really on Atkins though.

Still, knew a guy named Atkins. Eviscerated him. Small world.

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