Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board Every 10 Years Forum Nardo's Night Spot

Yeah, I'd like a large Hawaiian with hot banana peppers delivered to 555 Fth St. Don't forget the cheesey bread.

Hello!

Hello!

Nardo says take that large Hawaiian with hot banana peppers and wrap it around your pecker. Now jam it into the nearest wall socket. Okay, now piss. Repeat. If you can.

You know where you can put the cheesy bread, dingleberry.

Didn't Nardo nuke your ass once? Fried you to Tuesday, if I recall. Witnesses and everything.

Nardo says that's what's wrong with this goddam galaxy nowadays.

Nobody stays nuked anymore. Where Nardo comes from, you get fried, you stay fried. None of this jump up & "Hey, I'm alright!" shit. Nardo puts a hurt on you, fill out the toe tag.

No respect for old world craftsmanship. Damn kids. Hey! Get off that lawn gnome!

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Hello Nardo ...

Are you ticklish?

Thanks ...
SL

Nardo smells a ploy to find some Weisingerian secret weakness for Nardo.

Nardo smirks and eye-rolls (three, BTW) at your oafish gambit. Nardo will reveal his secret weakness because Nardo, not a exactly a lemur here, already destroyed it all.

Sourdough Kryptonite.

No shit, Sourdough Kryptonite. I know, I know. Nardo figures Jor-el was also a bakery chef besides inventing and discovering everything on Krypton.

Nardo paid two dudes to gather up all the Sourdough K and flush it somewhere. Nardo trusts these guys. Dated their great-great-great-fourth cousin, so we're tight. S'cool.

There are rumors of Whole Wheat, even Rye Kryptonite, but Nardo knows these are just rumors spread by Nardo's ex-wives and laid off minions. I mean, c'mon, "Rye" Kryptonite? That doesn't even make sense. Yeah, right, "Rye." It is kinda funny, though. Nardo wishes he thought of that. "Rye." I'll have to tell that one to an android. "Rye." Yeah, great with Corned Beed Kryptonite.

Ticklish? Not this century. Check back in 2100, 2200.

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Nardo, I've often wondered whether the universe itself was round, flat or some other wacky dimensional thing that I'm not aware of. Care to shed any light on this mystery, or is too much of a secret to tell the public?

Nardo been around the galactic block enough times to know the shape of the universe is inconsequential. Mere scientism piffle. What is consequential is the sequential manner in which one quenches one's curiosity about "all-ness."

Nardo asks listeners to consider the concept of universe, of "all-ness." Nardo asks if all-ness could have a shape, a form? If it has only one shape, "a" form, then how could it be allness? If anything is left out of all-ness, any shape, any form, then Nardo thinks that it could not be all-ness.

Nardo asks if all versions of the concept "allness" are just attempts to paint a smiley face on the unknown? Nardo has his own handy-dandy bag of smiley faces.

Nardo asks how one could truly know allness without being allness? To know allness as something other than knowingness is to leave something out of allness. Nardo sees that if you can see allness, it can't be allness.

Cause you ain't there in this "allness."

All in all, well, that's the point, isn't it? All in all.

All in all. The nature of allness is what it's all about. All in all.

Nardo knows you just can't know allness. Unless all you know is knowing. Know what I mean?

All in all, all we know is knowing.

Know-alls. We're all about that.

Nardo knows most know-alls stop right here and worship at the all-tar of knowing "allness."

Nardo never liked kneeling. It's boring; it ain't all-there-is. Nardo knows the big magic trick is to learn how to all-ter the all-tar of allness-knowing.

To know all-ness, to know the shape of the universe, just open your eyes. That's all there is and that's all there is to it.

That's the big magic trick - to stop sleeping. And open your Eye.

The shape of the universe is shape, is universe. It's all-around, all-ways there.

And all in all, all said and done, you are shape, you are universe.

Do not ask what shape the universe is. Do not ask for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee.

You are the shape of the universe. There is no universe without you.

That's all for now. Sometimes Nardo even spooks Nardo!

BOO!

Oh! Nardo wet himself...

But it's a good kind of wet.

Nardo sees a smiley face in the stain.

Nardo sees many things.

Did Nardo mention he has three eyes?



Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Nardo,

I am going to ask a really controversial question.

Should one hang toilet paper frontways or backways?

Nardo,

Do you support straight marriage?

Thanks,

SL

[Nardo would first like to point out that some ichthyological caller doesn't know how to play the game even though it's already 4 pages long, but that said caller can always use his delete button and also read the first post of the topic. Nardo considers this an out-of-character incredibly polite scolding. And Nardo doesn't like doing either.]

Ah yes, the eternal "How's-it-hangin'-conundrum." Thousands of multi-galactic civilizations have fallen because they backed the wrong pony in the sacred TP evolutionary debate: hang the end on the front, or on the back?

Let us consider the many historic and millenium-honed arguments supporting the two positions. And Nardo wants to be rigorously fair to each philosophy, because the fate of trillions and trillions of sentient critters may very well hang on Nardo's unbiased examination of this central issue to everything that exists.

If you hang the toilet paper on the backside of the roll you are an asswipe.

Let me be clear on my position.

BACKSIDE-HANGERS ARE DEFACATING DONKEYS THAT SHOULD BE SHOT AND FED TO FUNGI, A BUNCH OF MONUMENTALLY IMBECILIC PINHEADS THAT ARE DRESSED BY BLIND MOLES, JUST GURGLING STUMBLING CRETINS THAT MAKE RAINMAN LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN SUPER-ULTRA-MEGA-EINSTEIN'S HUNDRED TIME SMARTER BROTHER.

Asswipes. The whole lot of 'em.

How stupid do you have to be to not realize a crapper wants to be able to simply just see where the end of the paper is. Why go on a blind hunt for it behind the roll?

Asswipes.

This is why single-celled life forms has a 50/50 chance to bury you monkeys: you don't even know how to wipe your ass.

Calling you guys asswipes insults the intelligence of asswipes.

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

bite me

Twice bit, once shy.

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Nardo,

My PCR does not work. Is it perhaps because I'm adding too much magnesium?

Juan

Nardo generally doesn't like to talk shop, and certainly not on this goddam freezin-my-ass-off Saturday.

But since you're a newly minted Doc, yet curiously Canadian by choice, Nardo will spew forth chunks of Mendelian shrewdness, or maybe just last night's mendelevium chow-down.

As you are mercifully unspecific to your difficulty, Nardo shall follow this clear path of "clueness."

To wit: (Nardo likes to say "to wit." It makes Nardo look witty. To Wit:) To wit: if unspecific products appear in your multiplex reaction, there are many possible adjustments to eliminate them, which Nardo knows a Doc of your caliber or calamari-dependency is nerdishly familar with, but Nardo will list his five yummy favorites to entertain the masses:

1 - If long: increase buffer concentration to 1.2-2x, but keep MgCl2 concentration at 1.5-2mM. Turn off all radio equipment, hairdryers, and small children. Remember what happened to poor Hayden & Johansen in '84. (BTW, did you know they were gay?)

2 - If short: decrease buffer concentration to 0.7-0.9x, but keep MgCl2 concentration at 1.5-2mM. If it's really short, then either get a loan till payday, wear lifts, or tell her it's a war injury.

3 - Gradually increase the annealing temperature. Or if feeling frisky, just fire those Bunsen's up to "10," drive like a bat outta hell to the airport, and enjoy the news coverage sipping a fruity drink in Panama. You wouldn't be the first.

4 - Increase MgCl2 concentration up to 3-4.5 mM but keep dNTP concentration constant. If you don't keep it constant, people will laugh at you, and the neighborhood children will make up rope-skipping songs about the Weenie Doc that couldn't keep the dNTP concentration constant. And then they'll be skipping school as well as rope. Are you a doctor or an ogre? Decide.

5 - Add adjuvants. Always a crowd pleaser. Use BSA (0.1 to 0.8 µg/µL final concentration). You can also try 5% (v/v, final concentration) DMSO or glycerol, or white kryptonite, but fer chrissakes, open some windows first. And put your pants back on, here comes a tour!

Now, if nothing works: run PCR reactions for each (multiplexed) locus individually, then watch some loud moronic cartoons. Nardo prefers Fox news. Be sure to use an annealing temperature lower than usual, and use your jab! Move around, don't be a easy target.

Compare the unspecific products (or retail services) for each locus tested with the unspecific products (or retail services) seen when running the multiplex PCR or running for a bus. A smart shopper can find some real bargains. Additionally, it may indicate which primer pair (periodicaly a full house or flush) yields the unspecific products (or retail services) in the multiplex reaction, or just in theater 15 which I believe is currently showing "Cat in the Hat," and which itself might provide a refreshing if last-ditch methodology.

Nardo feels he's put you on the moral path to a sufficiently time-consuming approach that should extend funding through the next fiscal quarter.

And if research can't accomplish such goals, then what good is it? It's not like it's upholstery, which is an end unto itself.

BTW, isn't "magnesium" what they call it when you can't remember who you are? Or is that "manganese?" Nardo always gets them mixed up.

Oh also BTW, Doc, does this look infected to you? Well, how about this side? Ah, so that is pus. Sorry. Here's a towel. There's some more behind you. Careful! Floor's gettin a little slippery.

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Nardo,

Since you've got three eyes (and you seem to think we forget that, because you bring it up three times a post) do you need to wear those fucked up 3-D glasses when you go watch "Biker Boys Electra-Glide in 3-D" or do you just sit there looking stupid?

Mr. Quank, I don't think I've ever heard you swear before.

As it says on Nardo's star-buggy bumpersticker: Third things first!

To wit, et al: Did Nardo mention he's triple-jointed? If Nardo did, it's a goddam lie! Nardo left that joint when the bulls came busting in thru the windows. Don't have to tell Nardo three times.

To wit, redux: Fool Nardo once, shame on you. Fool Nardo twice, shame on Nardo. Fool Nardo thrice, let's get a room.

Two and a half-wit: Good things come in threes. Bad things come in threes. Nardo cums in threes, and the third time's Charma.

Nardo does not need to wear those fucked up 3-D glasses when Nardo watches "Biker Boys Electra-Glide in 3-D" because Nardo can see in 3-D if he squints hard and breathes thru his nipples. Or maybe that's just pre-epileptic dizzyness.

Nardo not really clear on the difference because, see, Nardo has, like, three eyes! No, really, no shit, three eyes. See that attractive fellow in the left corner? Three eyes. Right there. One. Two. And three.

And see, having three eyes, Nardo sees and does everything in nine dimensions. Well, Nardo figures it's nine dimensions - ya just stop counting after seven. There's mello-zoning laws at seven dimensions. Surprised Nardo too. Woulda figured at eight. Nardo packed for eight.

Still, Nardo's gotta pays bills in nine dimensions. Nardo loses his car keys in nine dimensions. Nardo's diet cola loses its carbonation in nine dimensions, which kinda really pisses Nardo off. Nardo paid for nine dimensions, Nardo expects to get nine dimensions.

The only thing Nardo doesn't do in nine dimensions is just sit there lookin' stupid. When Nardo just sits there, Nardo looks Nicholson-cool.

Cause Nardo has three peepers and each one's a magic-hyper-atomic chick magnet.

And on that horndog heaven Cargg, Nardo has to beat 'em off with fuckin androids and chairs!

Carggian chicks, woof! Hear me? W. O. O. F. - WOOF!

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Nardo, what is the difference between a frog and a toad?

Nardo thinks the French are probably involved.

Hm. "Freedom Frogs?"

Redundancy, cuisine, or Pentagon war-plan?

Okay, Nardo kinda stumped on the question. So time to go to the investigative methodology that left the scientific method and a fast fistful of C-notes in the dustbin of superannuated empiricisms, covered with the dustbunnies of warm and fuzzy Newtonian factoids!

Nardo talkin about Top Ten lists, the laser triggers of quasi-embryonic neuromorphism cascades. All those good pre-sensible neologisms!

Top Ten Differences Between Frogs and Toads

1 Frogs are the thinking man’s toads, toads are the working man’s dinner.

2 Toads fight mutants. Frogs fight daredevils. For daredevil mutants, they do paper-scissors-rock.

3 Frogs are shills for bad TV networks. Toads program them..

4 There are many frog-princes, but, ladies and gentlemen, right here, right now, the one and only - The Toad-Mahatma! ! !

5 Frogs take a shit. Toads leave a stool.

6 Frogmen will work for other frogmen, but Toadmen will only work for the Mole Man. ‘Lil fuckers.

7 If you like a lick a South American frog, you’ll get high. If you lick a South American toad, you’ll get higher.

8 When frogs do it, it’s called “croaking.” When toads do it, it’s just good ol’ plain fartin.

9 Nazis don’t conquer toads.

10 If a frog jumps in your car window, it’s good luck. If a toad does it, he just robbed the bank, so floor it you slack-jawed sonuvabitch!

Nardo likes frogs. Nardo like toads. Nardo 1/8th amphibian on his mom’s side.

Nardo doesn’t mind the occasional dragonfly garnish, or even a good fly-malted.

But Nardo draws the line at peas.

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Nardo, can you explain "Pan Dimensional Multi Person Sopilisim" in less than 30 words?

Nardo could take a shot at it, if Nardo had a clue what "Sopilisim" is.

Pick one that works for you.

sophism
soporific
solecism
sorbet
Sopwith Camel
soliloquy
sorehead
solipsism
pedant

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!

Nardo is clueless! Absolutely worthless! Bad Nardo! Bad! Go back to your own galaxy, you meanie satirical persona!

It was the double post in boldface and italics that made Nardo realize that "Pan Dimensional Multi Person Sopilisim" is something the caller considers very important.

Perhaps there are religious vows involved. Nardo once took a religious vow, but "The Man" made Nardo give it back.

Nardo wishes the caller and his "Pan Dimensional Multi Person Sopilisim" all the best during this our beloved holiday season.

Next caller! You're on the air with Nardo!