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The Planet Valhalia – The Summer Palace, 2993

“The Princess will see you now, Lord Faraway.”

Darden Coulthard stood staring out the tower window at the lush farmland surrounding the castle. The peaceful and serine countryside belied the fact that Valhalia was a planet at war and worse a planet with almost no hope of winning said war. “Almost,” he thought, watching the stern of a Dragon Ship disappear into the upper atmosphere, “except I’d never count that bastard Hrun out in a fight. I hope Diana was right”

“Lord Faraway…” the servant’s voice again, “Her Highness is waiting.”

He turned on his heel and followed the servant into the richly appointed audience chamber. Diana’s summons had been tersely worded. “My child’s magical abilities are developing far faster than anticipated; things are coming to a head. Your presence is urgently requested.”

Princess Diana of Valhalia sat stiffly at attention on the lowest of the three thrones centered on a raised dais in the middle of the room. Her steel blue eyes focused on a bank of monitors on the wall to Darden’s left. She looked almost exactly the same as she had when he’d last seen her, almost three years ago. She wore burnished silver combat armor under a lavender cloak and across her knees laid a sheathed, five foot long, gleaming silver, two handed broadsword. Propped up next to her throne was her shield, the classic three pronged type, bearing her family’s coat of arms. Her long black hair was braided and tied back. She was a slender, almost waif-like; barely over five foot tall and weighing maybe 110 lbs. but as he well knew, impossibly strong. Strong enough to wield that broadsword like a rapier.

“Lord Faraway, Ambassador of the Co…”

“Yes, Yes, we know who he is, Butters.” She cut off the announcement with a wave of her hand. ”Quietly fetch us a bottle of the good port and then vanish. Lord Faraway and I have much to discuss.”

The functionary nodded once then turned and left the room. Both Darden and Diana’s eyes followed him out the side door. He returned just a few seconds later pushing a cart laden with two bottles and two long stemmed goblets. As he approached the dais Darden waved him away from the cart and lifted a bottle. Butters hurried out of the room, pointedly (and rather loudly) closing the antechamber door after himself.

“Rothschild’s ’96? Are things that bad?”

Diana’s eyes never wavered from the monitors. Her voice was tense and controlled.

“Yesterday, my father, King Tharl, dissolved my marriage and immediately exiled my ex-husband. Within the last hour the last of Hrun’s Dragon Ships departed the planet.”

Darden poured the wine, swirled it in both glasses then looked askance at the princess. He gestured carelessly. Both bottles and both glasses vanished. A crash of broken glass and a surprised yelp of pain could be heard from the serving room where Butters had disappeared. “Oops,” He muttered half to himself, as an impish smile creased his craggy features, “meant to send that a wee bit farther away.” He reached into his diplomatic pouch and withdrew a pair of new glasses and a larger bottle which he placed on the tray. “Warre’s; founded in 1670, Old Earth,” He stated nonchalantly, “Some say it’s the finest Port ever bottled.” He poured again and presented a glass to the princess.

He raised his glass, sniffed appreciatively, and drank. “I assume your father has explained his reasons for these actions to you?”

Diana raised her glass and peered into the liquid, sniffed it thoughtfully, and took a small sip.

“The King received assurances from Ambassador Mordra that any ‘difficulties’ between the Dark Oval and the Planetary Kingdom of Valhalia were the result of Valhalia’s allying itself with the Barbarian Hordes of Hrun through marriage – my marriage.” She looked again at the glass in her hand, swirled it lightly, and raised it to the monitors, “And that the simple act of dissolving that marriage by royal decree would ‘ease’ the tensions between our governments.”

She looked at the glass again and drained it. As she finished drinking her eyes met Darden’s and in them, he could see the reflected fires of her rage.

“That sow Mordra also suggested that a marriage between me and a prince from one of the Dark Oval worlds, like Bernard of Hykros, would place Valhalia high in the Dark Oval Councils. Provided, of course, that the problem of my ‘illegitimate’ daughter was swiftly resolved.” She stared into the empty glass and then handed it to Darden. “She actually expects me to murder my own child to open the way for Bernard’s future rape brat to gain Valhalia’s Throne.”

“Your father knows all of this I assume, why would he…”

“Orapala” She spat out the planet’s name like it burned in her mouth. “You know what they did to that world… to its people… the lucky ones died slowly. He’s terrified that it will happen here if he doesn’t acquiesce and my father firmly believes in noblesse oblige.” She turned and looked up at the smaller of the two thrones behind her. “It doesn’t help that the new queen is heavy with child. Her first.” A short, bitter laugh escaped her lips. “I have no allies here, Lord Faraway. And only a slim chance to salvage my life, my love, and my kingdom.” She turned away from the thrones and fixed Darden with a steady gaze. “My Lord Hrun has vowed to never again set foot on Valhalia whilst my father lives. But his fleet will guard Valhalia as long as I remain here.”

Darden refilled her glass, handed it back to her and nodded in the direction of the monitors before speaking. “If I know Hrun, and unfortunately I do know him quite well, I doubt that was all he said.”

“Aside from dubbing my father ‘King Tharl the Chicken Hearted’ and vowing that anyone who harms a single hair on Any Valhalian Princess’s head, shall roast forever on a spit in the deepest pit of the lowest stygian hell.’’ She sniffed the wine and set it on the serving table next to the throne. “He had surprisingly little to say.” She allowed a small grim smile to cross her lips. “But, my father’s elite guard caught the brunt of what he didn’t say. I was able to… intervene. Most of them will recover.”

“…any Valhalian Princess!!” Darden’s eyes flew to the antechamber door as he remembered why Princess Diana had requested this audience. “Where is she?”

”Safe, for now, but with every moment she remains on Valhalia the danger grows. She’s my seventh daughter… and the only one left. Court politics are brutal.” That bitter laugh escaped again. “But, she’s her father’s daughter, perhaps more so than she is mine. She looks much like I did at her age but in every other way…”

“Greetings, Lord Fartaway!” Princess Brittany Jarlsdaughter of Valhalia stepped out from behind her mother’s shield. She stood just under three foot tall and weighed maybe 30 lbs. She was clad in a miniature version of her mother’s burnished silver armor (Which to Darden’s practiced eye looked to weigh as much or more than she did) complete with a miniature version of the two handed broadsword sheathed on her back and the lavender cloak. Her jet black hair also matched her mother’s luxurious mane while her twinkling eyes and the impish smile that seemed etched onto her face were gifts from her father.

“She has her father’s sense of humor, I see,” Darden fought to keep his amused reaction to the mangling of his title to himself as he watched several emotions play across Diana’s face.

“And his temperament… his indomitable will… and most of all, his inner strength. Brittany, please show Lord Faraway the ballet moves you have been practicing.”

Brittany nodded to her mother then rose up onto her toes in the surprisingly supple boots she wore and did a perfect pirouette. She then gracefully sprinted across the floor and launched into a fully extended flying leap which turned into a tuck and roll that ended with her facing Darden, the two handed broadsword drawn and at the ready. “Defend yourself, Knave!”

Darden found himself staring, astonished that so young a girl could possibly be that strong, coordinated, and graceful. “I surrender, Lass,” he laughed, “Your swordsmanship is astonishing.”

“Since you are my prisoner, Lord Faraway,” Brittany proclaimed in a surprisingly serious voice, “Your ransom shall be to send my mother faraway, where she will be safe while my father and I vanquish the enemies of Valhalia.”

“Hrun’s Daughter,” Darden snorted in an amused tone, as if those two words explained everything he’d just seen and heard. He turned back to Diana, “How soon will the two of you be ready to leave?”

“I cannot leave, and she cannot stay.” Diana looked away from her daughter and Darden watched as a single tear made its way down her cheek. “You know why, Darden.”

“NO! I Won’t… I won’t… You Can’t Make Me GO! You Can’t! Please Mommy… Please!”

The Planet Valhalia – The Summer Palace, 2993

Darden’s reaction to Brittany’s sudden outburst was the normal flash of embarrassment that we all feel when other people’s private lives are exposed in public. He turned away and focused on Diana’s reaction to her daughter’s sudden tantrum. But her reaction wasn’t what he expected. The sad, misty eyed and sorrowful expression that clouded her features just a few seconds ago was gone. Instead she was staring at her daughter with what appeared to be an expression of furious, murderous, rage.

He glanced back at Brittany who stood trembling, staring in fear at her mother’s expression, trying desperately to quiet her sobs, tears running freely down her face.

Instinctively he stepped between the two and suddenly found himself unable to resist the urge to comfort the crying child. “There, there, Poppet…” he moved to comfort the young girl but found himself frozen in place by a touch of Diana’s hand.

“That will be Quite Enough, young lady!”

“Please send her away, Mr. Faraway, Please, before she hurts me. Please send her somewhere safe!”

“I must protect them from each other,” Darden thought as he struggled to turn and focus his will on Diana. “I’ll send her to Horace, then quiet the child,” Reaching deep within himself he drew every ounce of his will, focused, and unleashed his power.

NOTHING HAPPENED!

Then, with clarity he had only experienced once before –after an experiment with a cup of Klatchian Coffee—the scene before him changed drastically. Diana, her lavender cloak thrown back to expose the now gleaming silver armor of a Valhalian Princess, stood, head bowed with the silver sword held raised in front of her, facing her youngest daughter. Around her and what Darden could only assume was her familiar, swirled a veritable maelstrom of eldritch energies. In front of her stood a huge tawny leopard, its tail lashing furiously as it carefully watched a pair of kittens who seemed to be inspecting the energies surrounding its mistress.

Facing her mother, Brittany stood –somehow not looking ridiculous despite her age and tiny frame— clad in her miniature version of her mother’s battle armor, head raised with her tiny sword (actually an oversized ceremonial dagger, Darden suddenly realized) held in both tiny hands by its pommel, point down in front of her. Around her swirled a smaller but far more intensely colored sphere of eldritch energy. Smaller spheres of similar intensity covered both kittens. Tears streamed freely down her face as she muttered softly, “Please stop fighting me, Mommy, Please, let me protect you.”

Darden realized at that instant that his power had worked. That what his power had sent far away was the spells that both mother and daughter had worked on him in the past few moments. He was, for possibly the first time in his many visits to Valhalia, seeing and hearing the truth.

And that truth that scared him speechless.

The Planet Valhalia – The Summer Palace, 2993

Darden moved slowly until his back was against the wall of the audience chamber, directly under the bank of monitors Diana had been watching when he first entered. He was unwilling to risk interfering in the magical battle of wills taking place before him until he understood exactly what was being contested. As it was he didn’t understand much of what he saw. Neither Diana nor Brittany seemed to move at all. If it wasn’t for Brittany’s murmuring he wouldn’t have thought either of them were breathing. The kittens were in constant motion and the leopard’s tail and eyes tracked the kitten’s every move but he had no idea what any or all of it portended.

“And to think she’s only three years old.” After re-swallowing his heart, Darden looked to his left where a tall, slender, black haired man dressed in an old earth motorcycle jacket with strange markings up and down its arms, denim pants, a comic-con t-shirt, and pointed blue suede beetle boots leaned casually against the wall watching the magical duel with clinical detachment. “I’m known as The Iron Rat, by the way.”

“I don’t believe I’ve heard of you, but something tells me you’re somewhat of a Mage,” Darden responded dryly, looking at the arcane symbols covering the Iron Rat’s jacket.

“You come here often?” Iron Rat grinned and swept his arm toward Diana and Brittany, “the shows are amazing.”

“Can you do anything?” Darden asked quietly while looking around the room in an effort to figure out how the man had entered the room without being seen. “And how in the deuce did you get in here anyway?”

“Get in the middle of a contest between two of Bast’s offspring?” Iron Rat almost sneered, “Do I look stupid to you?”

“Then why are you here?”

“I thought you wanted to know how I got in without you seeing me.”

“That also.”

“I came in the same way they are.” He pointed to the thrones where three figures were shimmering into view. “And I’m here to keep you from panicking and doing something stupid.”

Darden chose not to be offended by that remark but he did file it away for future consideration.

A pair of women and a large black and white cat came into view sitting on the thrones. On the king’s throne sat an extraordinarily beautiful dark haired woman wearing the traditional garb of a Pre-Egyptian Pharaoh, in her hands were the crook and flail, the traditional weapons of the pharaohs. On the Queen’s throne sat a voluptuous redhead, clad in a few wisps of nothing much and some strategically placed mistletoe leaves.

“The Goddess Bast,” Iron Rat indicated the dark haired woman, “And her daughter, Pagan Lass.” He nodded to the redhead. “They’ll sort this out.”

On cue, the redhead rose and stepped off of the dais directly between Diana and Brittany, neither of whom seemed to notice her. She raised her hands reaching into the eldritch energies they were using and to Darden’s amazement, the energies simply vanished.

“If I’d have tried that trick, you’d be scraping me off of the ceiling.” Iron Rat commented.

“Mother?”

“Who are you?”

Pagan Lass nodded to her daughter as she kneelt down to bring herself to eye level with her granddaughter. “Hush little one, it’s time to sleep now,” she held out her arms and smiled as Brittany accepted her embrace. In seconds the tiny warrior princess was asleep in her arms.

“How did you do that?” Diana asked in a quiet voice.

“A trick I learned dealing with you and your sisters.”

“Anybody else think this family reunion might best be held somewhere else?” Iron Rat asked as the sounds of clanking armor and edged weapons being drawn reached the chamber from several different directions.

Bast waved a hand and suddenly they were somewhere else.

SHAKES & The Beacon, 3003

“Interesting choice, Mother,” Pagan commented as the group followed a muscular, skimpily dressed, male android to a private table in the rear section of the luxuriously furnished, but noisy restaurant. “Which world is this? I seem to have lost track over the past few weeks. It feels almost like Earth, but…”

Darden’s thoughts raced as his eyes scanned the dimly lit barroom and identified several older versions of people familiar to him. “I could have sworn the woman at the first table was Princess Crujectra of Pysonia, or her older twin. But how could it be her? I know for a fact she’s on Webber’s World. And the bartender… why would Varalent be tending bar, anywhere?” Then a thought hit him and he muttered under his breath, “What year is this?”

“With mastery of time and space anything is possible.” Bast, who had somehow changed out of her Pharaoh’s outfit and into a sexy nurse’s uniform during the transfer from Valhalia to wherever they were now answered cryptically. “What matters is that we are safe from attack and we will not be interrupted before finishing our tasks in this time period.”

The android opened a curtain and led the group into an alcove containing a large round table and chairs, a loaded sideboard, and a private bar. “My name is Troy; I will have the pleasure of serving your party, today.” He slid behind the bar with a small flourish and began pulling up glasses, “would any of you like to start with a beverage?”

Darden accepted a glass of stout then wandered over to the sideboard and gave it a cursory glance. It was loaded with a varied and impressive menu. Whoever was footing the bill for this incursion wasn’t cutting corners.

The Iron Rat walked over, picked up a bacon wrapped scallop and popped it into his mouth. “Danny’s the best chef in this space sector,” he said as he chewed, “and this room is shielded, so don’t worry about asking questions.” He gave Darden a crooked smile, “I think you may have several ready to ask.”

“Okay, I’ll start with an easy one,” Darden paused and stared at the android bartender for a few seconds, “Who is Danny?”

Iron Rat looked over at the Android for a second, then back at Darden with a bemused expression on his face. “If you only knew how incongruous it seems to me, to hear you asking that question.” He shook his head slowly then glanced over to Bast, who had seated herself at the table and was holding the sleeping Princess in her arms. “It is time, My Champion; tell Lord Faraway the truth that he needs to know.”

“The truth that he needs to know?” Pagan Lass’s scandalized outburst stopped Darden from asking the exact same question. “Far, if I may use the familiar with you, my mother was worshiped for thousands of years on Earth as the Goddess of Cats. But she’s also the goddess of exasperation and was originally worshiped as the Goddess of Lions, a War Goddess.”

“Feeling a little bitchy today, are we Meryt-Bastet?” Iron Rat asked quietly.

Pagan whirled and faced him, “Shut it STU. If we’re going to start throwing true names around, yours should be out there also. Far needs to know the truth, the whole truth. Not just whatever parts of the truth will convince him to throw in with us.” She turned back to Faraway and looked directly into his eyes. The effect startled him for a split second and it took a small effort of will for him to meet her gaze. Her eyes were sea-green swirling pools of… what? Love? Protectiveness? Sadness? Kindness? Empathy? Power? Ruthlessness? All of that and more appeared in her eyes, but above those things floated a single burning need; the need to protect and nurture her children and their children. She was a tigress in human form, a woman who would lay waste to entire worlds to protect her family and she had the power to do just that! A shaken Darden forced his eyes away from her gaze. He looked down at his hands and turned away from her, unwilling to meet her gaze again.

“The eyes truly are the windows of the soul, Darden. And your soul is exceptional. Few men have ever looked into my eyes with the honesty, bravery, and inner strength you consider normal. I hope to earn the right to call you my friend and I envy the woman who will be your future wife.” Her voice was low and quiet, but strangely intense.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to find Diana quietly smiling at him. She took his hand and led him to the table where he found a plate of food and another large glass of stout waiting for him. He sat, mechanically, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes, raised the glass of stout and drained it. Then he looked up at the ceiling and asked, “So, what is the truth?”

SHAKES & The Beacon, 3003

“The truth is a subjective thing,” Bast held up a hand to forestall a furious outburst from Pagan Lass. “Something else else my daughter will acknowledge only when the difficult decisions we must make do not concern close family, my direct descendants.” She inclined her head to Pagan, Diana, and Brittany. “I promised you truth, but what I see as the truth, and what my daughters see as the truth, often differ. My truth is that I love all of my descendants, but these three hold a special place in my heart. Their truth is that they know I love them but…” She let her words trail off and looked at Pagan Lass, expectantly.

“…her love of us didn’t stop her from subjecting us to a selective breeding program. 6000 years she spent searching first the Earth and then the Galaxy at large to find the perfect mates for her daughters and sons, unions carefully planned to produce a single offspring with certain genetic traits.” Pagan looked down at her plate. “And never more than one offspring from any pairing, because the risk was unacceptable. My father died proving that.
”
“Your Father knew the risk he was taking,” Iron Rat said quietly, “he accepted it with pride. He wanted his offspring to be at the forefront of humanity’s expansion to the stars.”

Pagan looked up from her plate and focused on Iron Rat, “I know that. But it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make me less of a… it doesn’t change anything. He still died before I was born.”

The table fell silent and Darden found himself wondering how Pagan could possibly blame herself for something that happened before she was even born. Or if he could even had any reference point to understand her pain.

“Bah, humans,” the cat that had appeared with Bast and Pagan in the Valhalian Throne Room jumped up onto the table and sat facing Pagan Lass, “forget the stuff that happened back in ancient Pre-Egypt. You can’t change any of that now.”

“It Talks?”

The cat turned its head and gave Darden a dismissive look, “It also scratches eyes out, Human.”

“It forgets its place,” Iron Rat growled, “it needs to…”

“Enough!” Bast’s eyes flashed dangerously and everyone at the table, except the cat, froze. “The Stoopid Cat is correct. What happened, happened. There’s no changing it now. We’re not here to discuss MY errors. We’re here to deal with the infant and the problem she creates.”

Darden could feel Diana stiffen next to him at that comment. But to his surprise it was the cat who spoke out first. “Does that mean you’re going to cull the latest failure of your little breeding program?”

“Dakshin Ray! You may be a minor godling in your own right and you alone here have no fear of my mother, but if you goad her into harming the child…” Pagan stood over the cat, glaring down on it, a ring of green eldritch fire encircling her head, “I will END YOU!”

The cat sat staring up at Pagan defiantly for what seemed to Darden to be an eternity, then slowly shrank down to the size of a kitten and rolled over onto its back waving its paws in the air.

“You need not fear for the safety of the child, but you might be worried about the safety of whatever world she’s on.” Iron Rat commented quietly. “She’s incredibly powerful, headstrong, determined, and absolutely un-trainable.” He looked directly at Pagan “In short, she’s you all over again. Only ten times more powerful. You only blew up a few islands before…”

“She’s going back to Valhalia with me.” Diana’s quiet words cut Iron Rat off. “There is one person she’ll listen to, Hrun.” She looked down at the table and quietly continued, “I’ll just have to tell him the truth.”

“And what truth would that be?” Darden was surprised to hear himself ask.

“That I seduced him using magic. That I took away his free will whenever he was with me. That I used him just to have his child because that child might become Bast’s ultimate weapon in the war to come. That I was never supposed to love him, but that I do love him.”

“Wait a moment,” Darden heard himself saying, “We’re talking about the same Hrun, aren’t we, The High Jarl of the Barbarian Horde? The man who stormed the High Mage’s fortress on Krell and took the Skull Crown as a trophy, that Hrun? And you seduced him and held him in thrall for over a year, with a single spell?

“Just think, Far,” Iron Rat commented sardonically, “She’s the weakest magic user in the room.”

Diana glared at Iron Rat while she replied, “And I fell in love with him during that year, That Hrun, Yes.”

“And that’s his daughter, the living ultimate weapon, sleeping peacefully on the War Goddess’s lap. And the choice you face is either killing her or handing her over to him, knowing he’ll use her to conquer half of the galaxy.”

“You catch on quick.” Iron Rat Drawled.

Legion World – The Mountebank Institute for Young Ladies

The man shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It had been almost twenty minutes... how long was this guy going be?

He looked around the room again at all the diplomas and certificates hanging on the walls. If there was one thing these types liked better than being educated... it was making sure that you knew how educated they were.

Just then the door opened, as the administrator walked in. The man turned around to look at him, but the administrator just shot him a quick look, frowning. He walked around to the other side of the desk, sitting down and opening the file. He turned a page and then sighed.

"Ahem... all right, Mr. Stanton... it seems that..."

"Stilton."

"I'm sorry?"

"Eddie Stilton... you know, like the blue cheese?"

"Ah, yes... apologies, Mr. Stilton, but... well... the information you've provided doesn't seem to be supported by the child's medical records."

"There some kinda problem?"

"Not a problem, per se... it's just somewhat difficult to reconcile her genetic profile with the background that you're claiming."

"Claiming? What... you calling me a liar?"

The administrator coughed, and readjusted his position in the chair. He turned another page. "It says here that the girl was..." he paused for a moment, then continued, "...discovered in a refugee camp in the Zhuang Viet district of the planet Earth. That - as part of a relief effort - you were tasked with her transport to Legion World."

"Yeah... that's right."

The administrator regarded Eddie for a moment. He cleared his throat.

"Mr. Stilton, you have to understand the position of the Institute. While we do put the welfare of the child above all else, there are certain protocols which we are required by law to adhere to. We don't simply 'take in' random children that anyone walks in with. Apart from your word, we simply have no way of validating this background. Even if diplomatic relations between Earth and Legion World were cordial - which, I'm certain you're well aware, they are not - the Zhunag Viet district is not part of the Terran Alliance. Their records are not publicly available."

Eddie tried, not entirely successfully, to stifle a grin. The administrator closed the file and continued.

"Be that as it may, the initial medical scan on the girl indicates a genetic profile incompatible with a Zhuang Viet origin. To a degree of accuracy of 92 percent, the child genetically scans to a profile of half Sino-Koreapolian and half..."

"All right, Doc... let's just cut the crap, huh?"

"I beg your pardon?"

Eddie stood up and walked to the window. With his back to the administrator, he continued.

"Look... you know as well as I do that I ain't no relief worker, OK? I tried to play this on the level to make things a little easier for you, but - if you want to start pulling this 'medical' stuff on me, then, OK... sure... she ain't no refugee."

"I... I'm not certain I..."

Eddie turned around and looked at the administrator again. "You're a smart guy, Doc... you read the news holos. You happen to read about a certain guy outta Sino-Koreapolis that got bumped last month? Guy called... My Yeol Min?"

The administrator's eyes widened. "The Terran mafioso? Surely you can't be suggesting..."

"I ain't suggestin' nothing. I'm telling you something straight. That little girl out there just lost both her mom and dad. Now it coulda been in some camp... or it coulda been something else. Long story short - that girl ain't got nobody. There's a lot of stuff that's gone down... stuff a little girl like that ain't got no business knowing... stuff she never should know. Alls I'm asking is that you give her a place where she can just grow up like a normal little kid."

"Mr. Stilton, the Mountebank Institute is not in the business of playing safehouse in middle of some mafia turfwar! Are you actually implying that the child is the daughter of My Yeol Min?"

"Listen, Doc... whatever she came from... that don't have to be where she goes, OK? There's a lot of people who would pay a lot of money to hear what I'm telling you here. But - you play ball here and my boss... well... he's prepared to pay you a lot more so nobody does hear it. He's prepared to pay you pretty... 'Handsomely'... if you get what I'm saying."

The administrator raised his hands to his face, rubbing his eyes. "H... Handsome? As in... oh, good lord."

Eddie cracked his knuckles.

"It seems to me you got a choice to make here, Doc. I get where your mind's at - I really do. I know this is all a lot to take in. You're a professional guy... you don't want to get mixed up in nothing. But - trust me - you give that little girl a home, and that's the last you're gonna hear from us. Now... you could pick up that com right now... call the authorities... do whatever you think the 'right' thing is to do. But, then, this Orphanage would lose a good administrator... instead of gaining a new wing."

The administrator looked up, his eyes a mixture of reticence and fear. "That doesn't feel like much of a choice at all... does it, Mr. Stilton?"

"Heh. I knew you was a smart guy, Doc. Hey... you got all these diplomas to prove it, right?"

"So... w... what does Mr. Handsome want?"

"Just treat her like any other little kid. That's what she is, right? So... we got an understanding?"

The administrator nodded silently, with a reluctant acceptance.

"There's a good guy. So... uh... Doc... you got another door outta here or something? Not for nothin' but I just figure it'll be better if she doesn't see me again. Just give her a clean break from the whole thing, you know?"

"You... uh... yes, please... you can use this side door. It will... uh... bring you out to the hallway... just take a left to the exit."

Eddie grabbed his hat and, grinning at the administrator, exited through the door.


After a moment, the administrator swallowed and pressed the internal com button. Leaning forward, he said, "Please send in the girl."

The door opened, as a nurse walked in holding the hand of a small, hesitant Asian girl - no more than five years old. Forcing a smile, the administrator walked toward the pair, taking a knee in front of the child.

"Well... hello there, My Whee. So... tell me... how would you like to meet some other little girls?"

SHAKES & The Beacon 3003

Darden started laughing uncontrollably, within seconds tears were rolling down his cheeks and his sides were starting to ache. Predictably, it was the cat that reacted first. It strolled over to Darden and began batting at him with one of its front paws, “This human you selected is defective, Diana. Its brain is wired wrong. It thinks that handing an unstoppable weapon to a potential conqueror is funny.”

“No,” Darden wheezed, trying to catch his breath, “I just think you lot are hilarious. This production you’ve put together is so over the top it’s amazing.”

“Why do you think it’s a production?” Bast asked in a mystified voice.

Darden picked up his glass, took a big swallow of Stout, and smiled. “I have been in the U. P. Diplomatic Corps for many years, I am an experienced negotiator. I know a ploy when I see one.” He took another drink and set his glass down with a thump. “The question I have now is; what did you hope to gain with all of this?”

“Your cooperation, obviously,” Iron Rat snorted, “but being who we are, we couldn’t just come out and ask, you might have said no.”

“What gave you the idea we were… is ‘ploying you’ the right term?” Pagan Lass asked quietly.

Darden paused for a split second of internal debate and then just nodded, “Close enough.”

“I didn’t put it together until you presented me with two options which clearly weren’t on the table,” He replied, “especially after I had a look into your eyes.” He paused for a few seconds and looked around the table. Diana was staring sheepishly down at her plate, Pagan and Iron Rat both looked away when he looked in their direction, only Bast returned his look directly. “And yet you had me right up until that last bit where Diana professed her undying love for Hrun.” He laughed lightly, “Not only is that Bastard one of the single most unlovable people ever born, but, when I arrived on Valhalia, she didn’t shed a single tear as she watched Hrun’s departure. In fact she was very careful to ensure he was off planet before starting this little charade.”

“It’s no charade, Lord Faraway, The two options you mentioned ARE the only options open to us.” Bast gestured to indicate herself, her daughters, and Iron Rat.

“That’s it, isn’t it? The only options open to you. But I’m guessing there is something I can do that you can’t.” Darden watched Bast’s face as he spoke, “specifically something that provides you with another option, a better option.”

“Tell me, Darden Coulthard,” Bast purred, “Have your travels taken you to the Cackle Dimension?”

The Cackle Dimension, 2993

“Just close your eyes.” Bast had purred when he’d agreed to act as her emissary to the Royal Court of Cack. “Everything you need is available through that clever tesseract in the bottom of your diplomatic pouch.”

When he opened his eyes he saw the wall and the marvelous sparkling city beyond the wall. A magical miniature city designed by Escher, or maybe Picasso, and built by fairy artisans out of spun silk, molded starlight, and gossamer strands of mithril silver. It was set in a broad valley between a mirrored pair of sheer granite cliffs. Everything was built to ¼ scale; the correct size for a race of beings that uniformly stood 18 inches tall.

The biggest incongruity was the five foot high rock wall that spanned the entire mouth of the valley, with seven foot tall towers equally spaced all along its five or six mile length. At what appeared to be the center of the wall were a pair of towers with a portcullis protected doorway between them. The doors were a relatively massive four foot tall and appeared to be solid oak. The heavy portcullis was closed, Darden noted, and appeared to be black iron.

He stood about fifty feet away from that gate in a carefully cleared area that extended the entire length of the wall and about a half of a mile back to what looked like a very densely wooded old growth forest. The ground was a mix of gravel and clay packed into a flat, almost concrete like surface. Dark stains littered the area in front of the gate, bloodstains.

A floating pram in which Princess Brittany slept peacefully bobbed slightly, just in front of him.

He started walking toward the gate but stopped after just a few steps and pulled a small set of binoculars out of his pouch. A quick scan of the wall left him confused. Why did a race that could fly need a wall? And why did about a third of the males look like either Eryk Davis Ester of Touston, or Cobalt Kid? And why did all of the females look like either Space Tart or Thriftshop Debutante? And how did he suddenly know who those people are (or were) (or whatever)?

“And who might you be?” a mini Space Tart yelled from the top of the right hand gate tower. “Don’t just stand there gawking you human twit. Come to the gate so I can process you in before something big and nasty comes out of the forest and decides you’re its next meal.”

He glanced back at the forest, “So that explains the wall,” he thought as he grabbed the pushbar of the pram and began walking toward the gate at a measured pace. Coming nearer to the wall he began to hear scraps of conversations:

“A human and it just appeared out of nowhere.”

“What’s a human doing here? Is the Earth gate open again?”

“What’s it got in that cart?”

“Come on seven! Pappa needs a new X-Box!”

He reached the gate and looked up at the little blue warden who stood, fists on hips, watching him, “ID, Passport, & Travel Documents, Pilgrim!” She demanded with a smile.

He reached into his pouch, withdrew a tiny envelope and handed it up to her. She opened it and scanned it quickly. “A letter of introduction from Bast isn’t going to put the Queen in a good mood,” the 18 inch tall Major-Domo commented dryly, as she looked down her blue nose from the top of the Guard Tower. “Still it’s been a long, long, time since we had a human here. I would offer you a seat, but…” She brushed a wild strand of blue hair out of her face and unleashed a dazzling smile, “as you can see our world is… smaller than yours.”

Darden looked at the top of the five foot tall castle wall where the squad of armored soldiers nearest to him was milling about smartly, weapons at the not so ready, as they alternately gawked at him and continued a game involving dice, cards, and raucous wagering.

Now that he could see them clearly, he shook his head and then looked further down the wall in both directions. Storm Troopers, Star Trek Red Shirts, Orcs, and every other cannon fodder stereotype manned the various sections of the wall. Each group was isolated in their own area and each area was apparently under the command of either a mini EDE or a mini Cobalt Kid.

“Hey, human, you’re gawking again,” The Gate Warden flew into his field of vision, “Her Majesty wants to meet you and your God-Daughter, Pronto. So I’m opening the gate. A word of warning, human, it is called the accommodation gate for a reason.”

Legion World, The Scary Forest, 3005

“You ask much, Bast” Mearl Dox passed a cup of tea to Diana as Bast and Pagan contemplated the plate of cookies the Supreme Ruler of the Universe had placed in the center of the table, “and offer precious little in return.”

“What more do you want from me, Mearl?” Bast selected a small cookie and munched it thoughtfully, “My first born Daughter died defending her husband’s kingdom from him. I would rather not lose any more family members to his insane crusade.”

“You are aware that your Queen Yah-Hoo’s opposite number, the Queen of Darkness, has chosen to accept his protection?”

“All the more reason for you to shield her and her people when he arrives.”

“You’re positive he will come to Legion World?”

“I muddied the trail through time and space as best I was able but… Yes. His dragons will be able to find her.”

“Brightbody Blackheart,” Pagan muttered half under her breath, “I convinced Sir George to spare it… I was foolish enough to think I could turn it away from his path. Sir George believed in me…” She took a sip of tea, “I never dreamed… I suppose it will be up to me now to correct that mistake.”

“No dear,” Mearl reached across the table and patted Pagan’s hand, “I’m afraid I cannot allow you to do that.”

“I was afraid you would say that,” Pagan looked Mearl dead in the eye, ‘But unless you are willing…”

The room suddenly grew cold and dark, a chill, fell wind extinguished most of the candles in the room with the notable exception of a twin candelabrum located directly behind Mearl. At the same time Pagan noticed that everyone else in the room except for Mearl and herself was frozen in place.

“There are far greater powers in the universe than your mother and your family,” Mearl stated flatly, her eyes glittering dangerously in the reflected candlelight, “do not forget that, Meryt-Bastet.” She stirred her tea absently for a second then continued, “Your mother, for all her pride and arrogance, came here today on bended knee. You have no idea how humiliating it is for her to come to me for help. Yet, she did so, willingly, out of love for you, your daughter, and your granddaughter. And yes even love for her champion, STU. She knows what I must do and why I must do it. It galls her far more than it galls you.”

“MEOW,” the black and white cat leaped up onto the table, “Are you counting yourself among the Great Powers of the Universe, Coluan?”

“Dakshin Ray! How Delightful!” Mearl smiled, “and how does a Hindu Tiger God find himself attached to the retinue of a Pre-Egyptian Lion/War Goddess?”

“I lost a bet. You gonna answer my question?”

“Knowledge is power Dakshin, but… No. I don’t count myself among the great powers of the universe. I simply wear the mantle those great powers have bestowed upon me.” The room suddenly went entirely dark with the exception of a single spot of light shining on Mearl. “I am the Supreme Ruler of the Universe. I… and I alone… maintain the balance. Good cannot exist in the absence of evil. Evil can never be allowed to entirely overwhelm good. That is the balance I am charged with maintaining.”

Pagan blinked.

The room returned to normal.

“No dear,” Bast said thoughtfully, “I believe the dragon must, and will, fall to a mortal champion. Someone with as much… or more… desire to protect your granddaughter as any of us.”

“Hrun!” Diana exclaimed, “You must be speaking of her father, Hrun!”

“Possibly,” Bast said in a low voice, “or it could be someone none of us has yet met.”

“A new player in an ancient game?” Mearl smiled, “I wonder how this New Kid will fare in all this intrigue? Will he even be aware of the many levels of gamesmanship going on around him?

The Cackle Dimension 2993

“Get into position, human,” the little blue gate warden yelled, “place the pram right up against the portcullis. Once the gate starts to open they’ll be coming fast and furious. You’ll only have two minutes, tops, to get through.”

“Now hold on there a minute, Missy,” Darden held up his hand and looked at the gate. “Just how long does it take to open the gate? And what exactly will be coming?” He turned and scanned the edge of the forest with his binoculars. Nothing! No movement, no animals, no birds, not even a breeze.

“It only takes a few seconds to open the gate but going through the gate is another matter.” She yelled down in response. “Bad Things will be coming, human, Bad Things.”

He heard the creak of the winches as whoever was inside the towers started the process of opening the gate. “Are you Daft, Woman?” He yelled up, “Stop this!” He shoved the pram hard against the slowly raising portcullis, “I’ll not have you endangering the child!” He glanced down at the little girl sleeping peacefully inside the pram, the enchantment still holding her fast in the grip of Morpheus, then turned to face the forest. He swept the tree-line with the binoculars. Dark shapes and odd shadows were appearing at its edge but nothing had ventured out into the cleared area yet. He felt the bottom of the portcullis move up past the front of the pram and risked a glance back over his shoulder. The way was clear for the pram to start moving through the gate. He started walking backwards, pushing the pram into the gate with the small of his back.

“Nice choice, human,” a voice sounded from just behind him. “Not many of your kind would choose to face an unknown fear and thus hold it at bay.”

“You’ll excuse me if I don’t turn around, I presume? In light of what you’ve said…”

“But turn you must, Darden Coulthard, walking backwards through the Accommodation Gate Would not be wise. My brother and I will stare down the bad things, so you and the girl may enter the land of Cack.”

Darden turned and found a mini Cobalt on his right side and a Mini EDE on his left side, both of them were keeping their eyes on the tree line. “And whom do I have the honor of addressing?” He asked as he gripped the pram’s push bar and started through the gate.

“I am Prince Nobody…” Mini Cobalt Started,

“And I am Prince No-One…” Mini EDE Continued,

“Our cousin on the gate is the dowager Duchess Spinsterette…”

“Which explains her unforgivable lack of hospitality…”

“Which we shall deal with post haste…”

“And forthwith, after delivering you and your…”

“Precious charge to the Queen.”

Darden shook his head slowly, “Do the pair of you always talk that way?” he asked after the whipsaw explanation had concluded (he hoped).

“Only when…”

“We are together…”

“Which is…”

“Always.”

“OY…” He focused on the gateway and ducked unnecessarily to pass under the arch. The wall seemed taller and thicker, what he had assumed was a simple doorway opening into the courtyard beyond the wall instead led to a fairly long tunnel with a brightly lit silver pedestal at its far end. On the pedestal sat an assortment of objects.

“When you reach the end, take the babe in your arms before touching the pedestal, she must choose first, then you, then both of you. Your choices are irreversible, so choose well.”

“What do you mean our cho…” His question was cut off by the sound of the gates closing behind him. Beyond the gates he could hear the portcullis coming down. “Damn it!” He muttered to himself, realizing that he had been ‘ployed’ as Pagan said earlier, yet again. For a second he considered sending the gates and portcullis away and stepping out to face whatever waited there. But as fate would have it, the sleeping toddler chose that moment to stretch and roll over in the pram. He looked down at her, shook his head as if to clear it, and began walking toward the pedestal.

With each step forward he took, the pedestal seemed to retreat two steps, and the tunnel seemed to grow taller until what had seemed to be a cramped and narrow passage opened out into a broad hallway. The packed earth and gravel floor gave way to polished hardwood and the stone and mortar walls morphed into painted plaster, hung with rich tapestries showing eerily lifelike scenes from dozens of different worlds. Interspaced with the tapestries were portraits of historical figures, including he realized with a start, some from his home world, on his right Sir Winston Churchill’s face glowered from between a tapestry depicting Buckingham Palace and one of the Summer Palace on Valhalia. On his left, Lady Margaret Thatcher smiled enigmatically from between a view of Webber’s World from space and one of someplace called Founder’s Park. He stopped and looked back down the tunnel. The heavy gates were nowhere in sight, in their place was a wall with Bast’s portrait hanging in its center.

“Magic, why’s it got to be magic?” He thought as he turned back and began pushing the pram forward again. “I don’t know the blinking rules, so how am I supposed to play the game?”

“The rules?” A voice, syrupy sweet, female, and richly accented came from a brightly illuminated portrait on his left, “They be simple, easy to follow, and deadly to those who lack the wit to follow them properly. Best of all they apply equally to gods, mortals, and those of us somewhere in between.”

He glanced up and down the hallway. None of the other portraits were lit up in the same manner. The portrait was titled “Titania, Queen of Summer,” the woman it depicted was an ethereal beauty with flaming red hair, flashing green eyes, a brilliant smile and pixie ears. She wore a diamond and silver crown and held a golden chalice in one hand, while the other rested on the pommel of her sheathed rapier. Her green and gold gown was diaphanous yet oddly demure.

“Fae?” He wondered aloud. “Am I dealing with the Seelie, the summer court of Fae?” Memories of fairy stories; fabulous tales and dire warnings from his childhood rushed into his mind.

“Names have power mortal.” The voice seemed to come from the portrait. “And those names were used ages ago by my brethren on your world. But we are not they and they are not we, in the here and now we choose the name Cackle, and our home is the world of Cack. But make no mistake, by whatever name and no matter the world, the rules are the same.”

“And the rules are?”

“First, be true to your nature and to your cause. Second, speak only the truth against your power. Third, nothing is ever given freely, everything has a price. And lastly, Your Word Is Your Bond. Speak thrice and be bound. The oath-breaker shall be outcast and its powers shall be stripped… Those are the rules that apply to all.”

The illumination highlighting the portrait vanished, signaling to Darden that the conversation was at an end and a thousand questions died unspoken on his lips.

They reached the end of the hallway without further interruptions or revelations. Darden stared for a second as a bewildering assortment of objects winked in and out of sight on the pedestal. A crown, a dagger, a gold embossed scroll, a bejeweled scepter, and a golden sextant all caught his attention amidst what seemed to be thousands of artifacts which whisked across the surface of the pedestal.

He picked up the sleeping girl and stepped up to the pedestal. He stared at it for a second and then reached out and touched the front of it.

The Cackle Dimension 2993

“Where are we?” Princess Brittany’s sleepy voice was his first indication that touching the pedestal had changed anything. She lifted her head off of his shoulder and began looking around. This was the moment he had been dreading; how would the little girl react to waking up in a strange place without her parents? “Where’s Mommy?” She asked, looking around the hallway, “Did you send her someplace safe, Uncle Darden?”

The honorific caught him slightly off guard, “So I’m Uncle Darden now, Princess?” Memories of a single night… Stolen Happiness… He’d locked those memories away long ago. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It could never happen again. He knew how to keep secrets –so did she— no one else would ever know… But…

She shifted slightly in his arms to look him in the face. “Mommy said I should trust you… Daddy says never trust anybody but family… So you must be family… Uncle Darden.” The simple logic of a 3-year old was making the varied pieces of an adult world fit her understanding. Trust = Family. Older male relative = Uncle; simple and understandable.

“So where did you send Mommy? Somewhere safe?”

“Well she is off Valhalia, anyway.”

“I think we have some choices to make, little one, although I confess I don’t understand what we are supposed to be choosing or why.”

“Are those my choices?” She asked, pointing at the pedestal. The surface of the pedestal now held five objects: a Khundish Assassins Dagger, a Silver Braided Hangman’s Noose, a Star Chart, a Science Police Ranger’s Badge, and a Diamond and Silver Crown.

“I believe so, although I have no idea what they represent.” He paused and looked around the room, then addressed the nearest portrait, which just happened to be of the semi-legendary historian (and part-time re-insurance executive) Des Bohan, “How in the deuce is she supposed to make a choice when nobody can tell her what it is she’s choosing?”

“What she’s choosing is the path to her future.” The voice came from the far side of the pedestal.

“Where she wants to go…”

“And how she wants to get there…”

“We can answer a few of her questions…”

“But all that really matters is what feels right to her.”

The two princes, Nobody and No One, looked at him across the top of the pedestal. But now they were his height, or perhaps he was their height, “The Accommodation Gate,” he said under his breath, “I should have guessed.”

“Yes, that was one of the purposes of your trip through the gate…”

“…for what is to happen…”

“…we must see eye to eye.”

Darden studied the two for a moment before replying. They’re either career diplomats or galaxy class poker players, he decided, their faces don’t give away anything, they’re complete deadpans, almost masks… That’s it, he realized, Masks. “So when do I get to see your eyes, Prince?
”
“After the Queen…”

“…has looked into yours.”

The Hootchie Hut, 3001

It was a day like many others in the lives of the heroes of the Legion, Cobalt Kid, Loser Lad, Lard Lad, and Faraway Lad were sitting at a small table in the back corner of the Hootchie Hut having a few beers and decompressing after the fledgling LMB’s battle with the Arch-Duke of Time. Loser saw them first. He was facing the door and looking around for a waitress to order another round (It being Faraway’s turn to buy) when they entered, “Guys… MILF Alert! Damn, all three of them are hotter than Duff’s Suicide Wings!”

“Shit, I gotta be hallucinating,” Lardy sputtered, “Dr. Landro’s Hot Nurse, Poison Ivy’s Hotter Twin, and a friggen Valkyrie! It’s a wet dream waiting ta happen I tell ya… a wet dream.”

“Careful Chaps,” Faraway grabbed both Loser and Lardy by the shoulder keeping them from bolting for the trio of women who had just entered the ‘Hut’ and were now scanning the crowd, obviously looking for someone or something. “I believe I know them, it’s been a few years, but… STU or Iron Rat should be with them.”

“Does STU still use the Iron Rat altID?” Cobalt asked without taking his eyes off of the trio. Despite their beauty, there was something about them that set his teeth on edge. On first sight, without knowing how or why, he could tell that they were incredibly powerful and potentially extremely dangerous.

“He did the last time I saw him with that lot,” Faraway answered. “And if I’m not mistaken and he’s with them, he’ll be a version of himself from a few years in our future.”

“I saw STU in the men’s room about an hour ago,” Loser snorted, “drunk as hell. He’s prolly sleeping it off in puppy form right now.”

“Who Cares?” Lardy blurted out. “If STUey can’t hang with the big dogs, it ain’t our fault. But somebody’s gotta welcome those fine ladies…” He stood and waived a hand at the trio, “Ladies you are cordially invited to join the legendary heroes here at table…” he looked around for a moment, “this table right here,” and sat back down.

“Smooth move Ex-Lax,” Loser laughed, as he finally found the waitress he’d been searching for, “Bring us two rounds, one on Far and one on Lardy.”

Faraway groaned and ducked his head a fraction of a second too late to avoid recognition.

“Darden!” Diana’s voice rang throughout the bar. “He’s back there,” She pointed the table out to her companions.

Cobalt watched the trio carefully as they made their way across the room. The Hootchie Hut was crowded and he expected them to have some difficulty getting thru the mob between them and the table. But uncharacteristically, the crowd seemed to melt away in front of them. They were halfway to the table before he realized that a Siberian Tiger was clearing their path.

“Holy Shit!” Lardy jumped up when he saw the tiger, but luckily both Cobalt and Faraway were able to grab him before he could unleash his Lard Force.

“His name is Dakshin Ray,” Faraway hissed urgently at his companions, “and he’s a friend.”

“Dakshin Ray,” Cobalt asked quietly, “More commonly known as Stoopid Cat?”

“Yes, I take it you’ve heard of him?”

“Yeah, and that means the redhead is Pagan Lass.” Cobalt looked around the room. Almost half of the LMB’s active roster was in the Hootchie Hut but from what he could see most of them were in no shape to fight. “She was a member of the JSMBP in the 1950’s back on Earth. She vanished without a trace sometime during the early 1960’s.”

“I forgot what a history buff you are. So… she hasn’t been heard from in over a thousand years?”

“There’ve been rumors that she went over to the dark side just before her disappearance. And around four hundred years ago she was supposedly sighted on one of the Norse Worlds near the Dark Oval.”

“350 years ago, actually, the planet Valhalia, ruled by King Tharn.” Pagan Lass’s voice came from behind them. “It’s good to see you again, Cobaltus.” She bent down and wrapped her arms around Cobalt’s chest from behind and kissed him on his right ear. He stood and turned in one motion, winding up with her arms around his neck and his hands on her waist. “Mm… not quite as smooth as you described it a thousand years ago, but passable,” she laughed and snuggled up to him. “I’ve owed you that little slice of heart failure for a long time.”

“So we’ve met before, in your past but my future?”

“Uh-Huh, a thousand years ago…”

“And I told you about this meeting?”

“Including how I surprised you with that hug and a kiss on the ear.”

“Why?”

“Why… What?”

“Why did I travel back in time, why are you here, why would you tell me about it?”

“You and Exnihil, and all three EDE’s, traveled back in time to ensure that somebody named Fin-Ass didn’t prevent the assassination of President Kennedy. One of the reasons I’m here is because years from now, you’ll remember this day and it will provide the answer you’re seeking, and I’m telling you about it because if I don’t then you won’t do the things you’re supposed to and I won’t meet my future husband.”

“Huh! I really fricking hate time travel!”

The Hootchie Hut, 3001

"Shhhh" Diana put a finger to her lips as she approached Darden. "Don't tell me anything! Except how long it's been since you last saw me."

"Eight years, or thereabouts," Darden pulled out a chair and offered it to her. "And you?"

"A day, or thereabouts," She smiled, "you and Brittany went to Cack and we went... elsewhere."

"So for once..." She put a finger to his lips before he could complete the sentence.

"I'll live it soon enough." She said quietly, "Let me have whatever time we have today before... I expect to be quite lonely for a few years."

He studied her face silently for a moment while reviewing all he knew about her family, especially her daughter, now eleven years old and one of the brightest spots in his life. A small sigh escaped his lips and her smile returned. He wondered if his renowned poker face was completely shattered when it came to this woman.

“I said I wouldn’t ask, but…”

It was his turn to laugh. “She’s fine, no... more than fine, she’s amazing really! She made her choice and gave up her magic. Queen Yah-hoo has the artifact that houses her power, a ring of some sort. Now she’s just a normal, you might say, ‘Everyday’ girl.” The words just gushed out of him, betraying the pride he felt in Brittany’s accomplishments. “Except for the training program she’s been on since we left Cack…”

“I can’t wait to see her again.”


Darden merely nodded and looked down at his drink. He knew some of what her future held and it wasn't exactly pleasant. He debated speaking up and possibly saving her some pain for a second but his reverie was cut short by Loser's raucous laughter and a loud crash.

"So you're the Pre-Egyptian Goddess of PUSSY???" Lardy's voice rattled the rafters and jerked Darden's thoughts back to the situation at hand. Loser was on the floor simultaneously laughing and choking on his drink and Lardy had had lifted Bast up onto his right shoulder where she sat with one elbow on his head and her other arm raised to wave at the laughing crowd of LMBers rapidly gathering around their table.
He stated to rise but Diana�s hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Do you think this would be happening if she wasn't allowing it? She is the Goddess of Cats. When she's had enough attention, she"ll put an end to it." He looked back at her and noticed her attention was directed elsewhere. His eyes followed hers to Cobalt Kid's empty chair. "Now you're seeing what they"re not supposed to notice." She looked back at the boisterous crowd surrounding Lardy, Loser, and Bast. "It's never the obvious spectacle that is the real show, is it now?" She took a sip of her drink, "I'd have thought you'd have realized that by now, Lord Faraway," she laughed lightly.

Something else else in his face killed her laughter. "Darden... Please believe me... you are quite possibly the only person involved in this that everyone, except maybe Bast, is being absolutely truthful with. The only one!"

"Why exclude Bast?"

"Because, I'm being honest. You of all people deserve to know the truth. Bast is playing her own game. Even Pagan doesn't know what her goals are in all of this. She's been breeding what amounts to an army for over six thousand years. Pagan's father was her first concubine, but she's had many others. I have six older sisters and seven brothers. Pagan has six older sisters and who knows how many younger siblings. Do the math." She looked him directly in the eye before continuing, "And we breed true. Pagan is a Demi-God. I'm a Demi-God. You say Brittany is an everyday girl now, but she's not, She's a Demi-God!"

"But... You told me that none of your other children lived."

"Demi-Gods can die; we're just a lot harder to kill than mortals. How old do you think I am?"

"Well, Valhalians are a long lived bunch, and I heard Pagan say she met your father three hundred and fifty years ago... But you don't look more than 30 or so."

She smiled, "Flatterer! You know better. I'll be 300 on my next birthday." Her face turned serious again, "We age slower, we're faster, stronger, more agile, and our reaction times are..."

"More Humble..."

"Not really, but I doubt you could measure that." She laughed again. "The point my dear, sweet, but sometimes oh so dense Englishman, is that we're not human."

***Interlude***

Lissen up ya bunch a yahoos. Dis is Eddie Tor. I waz enjuring my retirement down in sunny Florida when I gets a call from my gal Thursday, Trixie the very flexible Pixie.

It seems shes been tryin ta keep dat numbnutsscull Quank on a reasonable writin an postin schedule. Now I knows that that ain't possible wit old Quanky, Cuz dat airhead gets distracted by ever shiny object that wanders by. But she thought she could do it, so we let her.

Well in ol Quanky's last post he kinda fergot ta put in a couple of paragraphs. And they just happen to be kinda important paragraphs to da entire story.

So she calls me and I gotta drag my tired old butt outa Centerfolds... I means... off the beach, and back inta the oriface and fix it.

So reread the last post.

And fer heavens sake Trixie, da next time dat idiot Quank screws up dis story get dem two goils ta tell it. It's dere story anyhoos.

***Interlude Over Wit!***

The Hootchie Hut, 3001

“Look around you Lady, there ain’t many baseline humans in this room.” Loser’s voice shattered the feeling of intimacy which had grown between Darden and Diana. He stood, a full beer in each hand, wobbling slightly, attempting –and failing miserably— to maintain a stern expression on his face as he looked Darden almost straight in the eye. “So why haven’t I ever heard of these people before Darden? It’s not like I’m the outgoing LMB Leader or anything. And you’re the guy who is always preaching about maintaining accurate and up to date case files.”

Darden stared at Lou for a second then turned back to Diana, “That’s a good question Lou.”

“A little paranoia can be a good thing, Lord Faraway; but past a certain point…” Whatever Diana was about to say was obliterated by Loser’s spit take –a half a glass of beer sprayed in the classic fountain– which fortunately missed Diana and Far by a few inches.

“Lord Faraway?” He sputtered, “Lord Faraway? What’s this Lord Horse-crap? You’re about as Royal as I am!”


Cobie reached behind the bar and picked up the sleeping puppy. “Here he is…” He turned to look at Pagan Lass, “He’ll be sleeping for a few hours.”

“Sorry STU,” She smiled impishly, “But we don’t have a few hours to waste.” She picked up the puppy box and stuffed it with bar rags. “Put him in there on his belly, please.” When Cobie did that she nodded, ”STU, purge the toxins from your body and wake up.”

STUPuppy began to whimper and the bar rags below him showed an expanding circle of Horrendously Stanky liquid. After a few seconds his eyes opened and he began looking around. He spotted Pagan Lass and his tail began to wag furiously. He let out a short series of happy barks and began rolling energetically in the horrible smelling liquid before launching himself out of the box in Pagan’s direction.


Bast launched herself into the air from Lardy’s shoulder, did a triple somersault –in the middle of which her nurses outfit became a skin tight shimmering black cat-suit— and landed with a flourish in the middle of the gathered members of the LMB. “It’s been ages since I’ve had this much fun,” she purred, “or Dallied with a mortal…” her eyes swept the gathering “…or seven!” Her laughter was infectious, and the obvious jest brought raucous laughter from most of the male LMBers and smiles from the few female LMBers. “Who is the Leader of your merry band?”

Crusader, just starting his term as LMB Leader, didn’t seem particularly amused by Bast’s antics. “That would be me.” He stepped forward, looking Bast directly in the eye. “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. I am The Crusader, Leader of the LMB.”

Her eyes widened as she looked him up and down. “A Pysonian! How Delightful! And a member of the Royal House at that…” She quickly scanned the room. “Which means… Ah, there they are…”
Maxx the Sorcerer and Bob the Cat stepped forward. Both inclined their heads slightly but neither uttered a sound.

“I see that I have neglected your delightful home world for far too long.”

“On the contrary, M’Lady,” Bob the cat purred, “We realize that other worlds also require the enlightenment of your benevolent guidance.”

The so called Great Cats –Lions, Panthers, Leopards, and Tigers—are all Ambush Hunters. They have evolved specific characteristics which allow them to blend into the background, unnoticed until they strike. A growl reminded the gathering that a Siberian Tiger sat in their midst. Dakshin Ray glowered at Bob and let out a second, louder growl, then rumbled, “One impertinent feline magician would be but a small loss to our cause…”

Bob returned the glower, redoubled, “If you could do anything about me, old fraud. You would have done it long before now,” and turned away with a dismissive flick of his tail.

“It’s nice to see some things will never change.” STU’s voice broke the sudden silence. “Still picking fights you can’t win, eh, you Stoopid Cat?” He reached out and ruffled the fur between Dakshin Ray’s ears.


Cobalt Kid held back when STU jumped up into Pagan’s arms from the foul smelling remains of his pooch bedding. A tiny voice in the back of his head was screaming for attention but he couldn’t quite make out what it was saying. STUPuppy transformed into Iron Rat and led Pagan Lass over to the crowd of LMBers surrounding Lardy and… He watched Pagan’s backside as she… No! Focus!

It took an extreme effort but finally he looked away from the spectacle in the middle of the room. There had to be something else, something they didn’t want him, or anyone else, to see. What was Faraway Lad always telling him? Focus on the movers and shakers. See who’s talking to whom, watch where the power-brokers congregate. He started down his checklist, find the key players, see what they’re doing, they would tell the real story. Lardy was being Lardy, dominating the spotlight at the center of the laughter and noise, drinking the most, laughing the loudest, and keeping everyone’s attention focused on him and what he was doing. Loser and Faraway were off to one side talking to the Valkyrie Chick. Crusader was…

Myke was seemingly in two places at once. So were Bast, STU, and Pagan Lass. They were all in the center of the room and at the same time sitting at an isolated table near the door. And they were all watching him. He reacted without the need for conscious thought; his trademark cocky know-it-all grin appeared, he sauntered over to the table and looked Bast in the eye. “Waiting for me?”

“And two others,” Bast looked him up and down, “So young, yet you were the first to fight off the glamour. I’m impressed.”

“The First?” He turned a questioning look to Crusader, only to discover that the LMB Leader wasn’t the fourth person at the table, the Valkyrie Chick, whose name he still didn’t know, sat where he’d seen Myke just a second earlier.

“Don’t try to figure it out, lad,” Faraway walked up next to him, “This lot’s been Ploying with us Mortals for thousands of years. We’ve a ways to go to match them in the arts of deceit and treachery.”

“I’ll admit to some misdirection and subterfuge, Darden Coulthard, but you go too far…” Bast’s eyes flashed with anger.

“Is there a problem here, Sentients?” A tall, muscular man wearing a Science Police Ranger uniform walked up to the table. “I hope there isn’t, because I’m just here to deliver a package to someone named Desmonius Primus Julianu. And I’d hate to have to run the bunch of you in for brawling.” As he spoke he looked around the table and Cobalt could almost hear him thinking ‘but the pat-downs for concealed weapons could be fun’ as he looked at the women.

“Who uses Rangers to deliver Packages?” Cobalt asked, stifling a laugh.

“That would be Queen Yah-Hoo of Cack. Look kid, do you know this Desmonius Primus Julianu, sentient?” He looked over Cobalt’s head at the scene in the middle of the room. “The rotund sentient over there pointed you out when I asked him.”

“Jesus, Bart, pull the stick out,” Faraway snorted, “this lad is who you’re looking for.” He patted Cobalt’s shoulder.

“Okay, Darden.” He pulled a small package out of his pocket and opened it. Inside was what appeared to be a plastic replica of a Green Lantern Ring. “I guess you’re supposed to try this on.”

Cobalt picked up the ring and looked at it. It looked like something he would expect to find at a Rimborian Street Bazaar. A piece of junk plastic that resembled a historical artifact just enough to identify what it was supposed to be but would never be mistaken for the real thing. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Deliver it to the one person in the universe who can make it work.” Pagan Lass smiled. “And I know you will because you told me you did.”

Cobalt, looked at Pagan and then back at the ring. “I really Sprocking Hate Time travel!”

The Cackle Dimension 2993

*** Interlude ***

Ohmygod! Since this is like my story. I suppose I should like take over and like tell it. But you guys gotta like understand that I only got these memories back about two years ago, I’ll explain why all of that happened as I tell my story. I suppose Queen Yah-Hoo didn’t want me to miss my mother and she knew that I wouldn’t see her for at least 20 years. So she decided it would be better if my memories were hazy and indistinct. Which I guess is the way most people’s memories are when they try to recall their lives as infants. Because of all that, my memory works a little differently. While I won’t say I have a perfect memory I do recall a great many things that happened when I was just a toddler.

***End Interlude***

The very first thing I remember perfectly is Uncle Darden leading me into Queen Yah-Hoo’s chambers. I remember being surprised at how shabby everything looked. I suppose having been raised on Valhallia, I had grown used to a different level of luxury. Not that everything on Valhalla was perfect but I knew how shiny and new everything looked in the throne room of my grandfather, King Tharl. Things didn’t look that way in Queen Yah-Hoo’s throne room. The drapes were stained and dusty, the portraits behind the thrones were worn and their frames needed refinishing, there were spider-webs in the corners of the room, and even the candelabra only had half of its candles lit. Uncle Darden seemed confused when the twin princes led us into the Queens chambers. I think that he – like me – was expecting something more impressive. So, we were both wrong.

Queen Yah-Hoo herself was impressive. I guess I was mentally comparing her to my mother. But where my mom’s hair was dark and rich and luxurious, Queen Yah-Hoo’s hair looked like spun gold. And to me, my mother always seemed to be the most solid person in the universe; Queen Yahoo seemed tiny and fragile, almost like a porcelain figure of a person. But she was (is) oh so beautiful. She has the kind of beauty that dazzles you when you first see her. I remember a golden glow surrounding her when I first looked at her.

Uncle Darden bowed when the queen entered the room. I just watched her, transfixed by her beauty. Despite being a princess, I wasn’t used to the ceremonies that accompany introduction to royalty. They had never applied to me. I was a princess of the realm and no one had ever suggested that I should ever have to bow or curtsy to anyone. (In fact my father insisted that we were to be bowed to and that he would take the head of anyone who thought we should bow to them.)

The Queen accepted Uncle Darden’s honorific and glanced at me with a slightly raised eyebrow. I don’t remember if I did anything but stare at her. I only remember that she found whatever it was I did to be amusing.

Back in the hallway uncle Darden had woken me up in front of a pedestal. On that pedestal were several objects. I only remember the one I chose, a Ranger’s Badge. There were two other pedestals that we passed before reaching the audience chamber. Uncle Darden chose something from the first one and then he asked me to help him choose from the second one. I don’t remember what he chose at the first one but at the second one we chose a pair of friendship bracelets. Again, I don’t remember what the other choices were.

Queen Yahoo seemed very pleased by the fact that I chose the Ranger’s Badge. I remember choosing it because it reminded me of my mother’s shield. She seemed to think it was something else. As I think back on it now so many years later she may have been right. But when I was three years old I didn’t know what a United Planets Ranger was, nor did I have the ambition to become one. Funny how things work out isn’t it?

“She seems unimpressed,” Queen Yah-Hoo said to uncle Darden, “a little Warrior Princess ready to take on the universe and save her mother.” She looked at me with a smile and held a hand out for me to take. “Can we be friends Brittany? I would very much like to be your friend.”

“Why should I trust you? I don’t know you.” I said and backed away from her. There was just something about her – even as beautiful as she is – that made me nervous. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve never lacked confidence and even as a three-year-old I thought that I would win any fight that I was forced into. My father always told me that because I was a girl I should never start a fight but that I should always be the one standing at the end… if anyone was ever foolish enough to start a fight with me. I’ve always tried to live up to that.

“Princess, your mother and your grandmother sent us here,” Uncle Darden said in his most diplomatic voice. “I have every reason to believe that they trust the Queen implicitly.”

“My grandmother?” I asked incredulously. My grandmother at that time in my life was this semi-mythical figure both fantastically beautiful and enormously powerful who would someday – if I were good enough – grace my life with her presence. In other words; as far as I was concerned my grandmother was a fairytale, I didn’t believe she existed. “You’ve met my grandmother? When did you meet her?”

“Don’t you remember her arrival in your grandfather’s throne room, poppet?” Uncle Darden asked. “She along with her mother, the goddess Bast, arrived while you were…”

“Who?” I asked before he could finish what he was saying. “Who is Bast?”

Uncle Darden just looked at me, perplexed, when I asked that question, but Queen Yah-Hoo had an interesting answer, “Bast, my dear,” she said with a smile, “is my oldest and most deadly, enemy.”

Uncle Darden seemed to be shocked when she said that, but to me it seemed normal. My limited experience was that other people were divided into a few narrow categories, family, friends, vassals, and enemies. Vassals don’t count, they don’t have a choice in the matter, in a feudal system they either swear fealty to their Liege Lord or they face a hostile world on their own. And at that point in my life a feudal system was all I knew. Enemies seemed to be the largest category. Both my father and my grandfather seemed to have 100 enemies for every friend and both of them seem to categorize anyone who wasn’t family as a potential enemy. Also, to both of them friendship was a temporary thing. If someone had something they needed, then that person would be a friend until they no longer needed whatever it was.

“Don’t act so surprised, young Darden Coulthard,” Queen Yah-Hoo said with a smile in her voice. “You’ve been wondering, ever since you agreed to her terms, why she needed you. She and I reached a working agreement many centuries ago. Either of us would cheerfully eliminate the other but we need each other. So with certain restrictions we work together. Those restrictions are why she needed you. If she had shown up at my gate, there’d be a small grease spot on the tarmac where she appeared. And! I’d be throwing a royal party!” A somber look call crossed her face when she finished speaking. She walked across the room and picked up a bottle on a table I hadn’t noticed. She poured two drinks; one for her and one for Uncle Darden. One of the princes, the one who looks like Mr. Cobalt, appeared out of nowhere with a glass of grape juice in his hand. He handed it to me while the Queen handed a glass to Uncle Darden. “Of course, I would be dead shortly thereafter. But it wouldn’t matter. I know that by killing her I would be killing myself and all of my people. But! If she came within my reach I would kill her. Just as if I appeared within her palace on that silly island, she would destroy me. Even though she knows that her family would be destroyed shortly after my death.”

“Why?” Uncle Darden’s voice seemed strained when he asked that question. “If you need each other to survive, why would either of you act that way?”

“We are what we are,” the Queen smiled as she looked Uncle Darden in the eye. “In some ways, despite our vast power, and our vast knowledge, we are far less powerful and knowledgeable than you humans. For us, certain things are instinctive and cannot be fought against. The hatred I hold for Bast and the hatred she holds for me, comes from an instinctive level. She’s done nothing to earn my hatred, except for the fact that she exists. I imagine her feelings for me mirror that.”

“And yet she trusts you with her great-granddaughter?”

“Yes, because she knows that I will honor our agreement. And she also knows that her great-granddaughter’s blood has been thinned enough that it won’t activate my instinctual hatred.”

“So you don’t hate Bast for something she did, you hate her race for what they are?”

“Essentially yes, but both of us are trying to work past that, she also hates me just because of what I am.”

“Which leads me to my next question; what are you?”

“I, my dear Lord Faraway, am Yah-Hoo, Queen of the Cackles. And you are in Cackle Castle, on the world Cack, in the Cackle Dimension, where I and my husband King Hoo-Rah, reign supreme.”

“And Cackles are?”

“Cackles are almost indescribable. My people first visited your planet thousands of years ago. When we first arrived on your world the sheer size of your people convinced my ancestors that you couldn’t possibly be intelligent. We were wrong. But it took us centuries to realize that. In your legends we are called many things, Fae, djin, imps, sprites, incubus, and succubus among other things." As she talked I could feel her attention moving from Uncle Darden to me. She seemed to want me to understand what she was saying more than she wanted Uncle Darden to understand. The more she focused on me the more nervous I became, like I said there was something about her at that first meeting that set my teeth on edge. Now many years later, I can replay that scene in my mind and I know what it was, but then…

United Planets Ranger Headquarters 2993

Newly promoted Ranger Lieutenant Bartholomew Quank paused outside of Ranger Captain Sawyer’s office and stared down at the orders in his hand, “Why in the galaxy are they sending me to sector 247?” He muttered to himself. “The entire sector only has three inhabited worlds. And none of them are trouble spots.”

He collected his thoughts, glanced at himself in the mirror to make sure that his uniform was impeccable, and knocked once on his Superior Officer’s door. The door swung open automatically and he heard Sawyer growl “enter”.

“Captain, I know you’re a busy man,” he said as he came to full attention in front of the captain’s desk, “so I’ll make this brief. I’ve had some success in ferreting out the money laundering operations on Grand Cabaña. So I don’t understand why I’m being pulled out of there; especially to take over a sector where nothing is happening.”

“Happy Sam” Sawyer scowled at the young lieutenant over steepled fingertips, “Quank, you’ve been a lieutenant for all of what, two weeks? What makes you think you know where I need to put my people?” He shuffled around some papers on his desk and picked up a single sheet, “and anyway you were requested by name for this assignment.” He handed the single sheet of paper to Lt. Quank. “Apparently, your work is caught the attention of some high mucky muck in the diplomatic corps. So now they want you available as one of the trainers for some Princess. Don’t bother trying to argue with me Bart; it’s out of my hands. Chief Zendak has already made the decision. You are taking over as the Ranger assigned to sector 247. Go pack your bags and go.”

The Cackle Dimension 2993

Omygod! Okay so I like admit it, she scared the daylights out of me. It began to feel like she and I were alone in the room.

Uncle Darden and even the twin princes seem to fade into the background. And that scared me. I remember calling up the magic and preparing to defend myself. But! For the very first time ever I was afraid, so I just kind of shrank back and waited.

The magic… it’s just energy, if you can see it, you can manipulate it. As I learn more about it, now that I’m older it seems to be a lot more difficult but back then I simply thought of what I wanted the magic to do and it did it. It’s an oversimplification… like duh… But I was operating on pure instinct. I’d never had any real training. Yeah, I talked to mom about it a few times but her standard answer for most things was; wait until you are older. I could tell she was scared of how easily using magic came to me and now that I know more I can understand that.

As Queen Yah-Hoo talked I gathered as much magic energy as I could and wrapped it around me like a cocoon. My idea was that I would use it to shield myself from whatever Queen Yah-Hoo had in mind. The fact that Queen Yah-Hoo didn’t seem to notice what I was doing emboldened me.

“So you see my dear, Bast is the goddess of cats while Cackles are more closely associated with the small animals that cats tend to hunt. Therefore it automatically becomes predator/prey situation whenever we meet. It’s instinctual, Bast has no more control over her reaction then I do over mine.”

“So why is it different with me? Why don’t you automatically fear me?” The words were out of my mouth before I even realized that I was talking. I still held on to my shield and my sword and I had swung to shield so that was between her and I. She smiled at me when I asked that question.

“You are not a full blooded…” I don’t remember the word she used… But I think it was the name of a race that I’d never heard of before or since. “Your mother has only a quarter… And you have only an eighth of Bast’s blood. You have her blood, mixed with human, mixed with Vallhalian, and mixed again with your father’s blood. So you don’t cause the instinctual fear and hatred that your great-grandmother causes in me.”

Okay so I like admit that didn’t exactly make me feel much better. I mean I didn’t arouse the fear and hatred that my great-grandmother did, so what? Did that mean she liked me? Or did she just not hate me? I didn’t know what to do until I remembered something Uncle Darden had said once, probably in jest. “When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”

“Uncle Darden!” I sent a magical jolt along with the yell. “I want to leave, right now! I don’t like it here and I don’t like Queen Yah-Hoo!”