Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Super-Jailhouse of Space!!!

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Eryk...even if I have to finish this one myself...even if it KILLS me...this one's gonna have an ending!!!!!

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....their surroundings began to shake!

"Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!" the Labradorian yelled. "What the nass is going on? Where are we?"

As she got her bearings, Fat Cramer looked around. "Don't know where we are, but we've got company." Looking around she saw The Man From Cargg, Hi-Risk von Tingle and Triads Purple, Neutral, and Orange in one group. A pair of fellas she recognized as Turns You Into a Country Kid and Clothes Fall Off Fred were standing off to the side. Finally, a group consisting of Space Tart, Beagle Boy, Omega Man, Faraway Lad, Grey Birdboy and Lash Lad were congregated together around Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass.

"C'mon, Labby," FC decided, "let's see what's going on with Shady---I'll bet we find some answers from her!" As the pair headed toward Shady's group, the other two groups tacitly decided to follow.

"Shady!" Lash shouted as he shook her, "snap out of it!"

"Wh-what?" she managed.

"After you freed us, and before we mysteriously got zapped here, you said something about EDE and Lardy...that you may have been wrong about Lardy being EDE's duplicate!"

"Y-yes, I remember, now...Lardy and EDE are..."

"Forget that!" Labradorian griped. "Get her to sense where we are!"

"Can you, Shady?" Lash said gently.

She concentrated for a moment, then replied, "yes."

"Well?" Labradorian pressed.

"We're in-inside a collapsed Canadian monument."

Labradorian, a resident Canadian, looked around at their murky surroundings appraisingly. "Hmmm..." he thought aloud, "doesn't look like the CN Tower, the West Edmunton Mall, Parliament Hill or Olympic Stadium... which one of our dozens and dozens of fine monuments are we in?"

"N-none of those," Shady said weakly, "we're in...A-Alanis...Morissette..."

"WHAT?!?!?" roared the assembled mass of heroes at once.

Meanwhile (in the interest of getting to all the dangling characters) Lisp Lass was........

Lisp Lass was taking a nap. That means she was missing out on what was going on. Whatever her diabolical plans were, they would wait for awhile.

Meanwhile, the Boyz were still trapped under the bed in a faraway bar, when suddenly the bed began to shrink. Yes, it was long-lost LMBer Varalent who had freed them.

They told them of their quest to find Amber to help Umber, and that she had apparently fallen under the spell of the evil Lucifer Lass. They also told him about the mysterious stranger who had disappeared with Bitch Lad. They asked him where he had been all this time.

Varalent responds, "My story can wait for another day. For now, there is great evil afoot. From your description of that mysterious stranger, he sounds like my friend Eryk Davis Ester. If so, there may be great danger ahead..."

Meanwhile, the LMBers trapped in Alanis Morrissette were wondering what horrible fate had befallen their newest members Penis-Eradicator Lad and Nads-Kicker Lass (secretly double agents working for the One Called the One). As a matter of fact, they were....

...now in Austria, or rather, they were now Austria! It seems that when the Entropy Spinach freed Kid Prime from his requirement to be Austria it had filled the void left by his departure with none other than PE Lad And NK Lass! But since Austria was a rather small country, Penis-Eradicator Lad had shifted sideways and had in turn become Hungary! (Actually he had overcome Hungary by eradicating Hung Gary's penis.) The two of them were now greedily plotting the return to pre-eminence of the Austrian-Hungarian Empire.

Back at the faraway bar, the Boyz and Varalent huddled together trying to sort out a plan of action...

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Hung Gary????

Now that's why we need people other than just me and Lardy writing!

I like it!

END INTERJECTION

"But how the fragg are we supposed to get there? Can any of you teleport us?" Varalent says as he looks around at the Boyz. "Damn, I didn't think so. Why doesn't anyone have an ass alarm when I need one. Wait a minute, I know"

"What?" The Boyz sang in chorus

"Senor Widebottom's pants, of course! This is the Faraway Bar isn't it? Well, one of the legs of Senor Widebottom ridiculously oversized pantaloons manifests itself in the Back Street behind the Faraway Bar just like another manifests itself in the corridor outside Faraway Lad's room. To the Back Street, Boyz, it looks like we're the cavalry today. Let's go!"


Meanwhile, the LMBers trapped in Alanis Morrissette were...

...STILL huddled around Shady and STILL waiting for the big reveal about the mysterious connection between Eryk Prime and Lardlad. But she kept passing out over and over and over!

"Oh, for grife's sake!" Labradorian screamed in frustration. "She can't say it! Something else else's preventing her from getting the words out. She'll keep passing out just when she's about to spill the beans!"

Triad Orange timidly suggested, "w-well, w-what if we g-guess it? C-could she n-nod or something if we g-get it right?"

"That's not a shabby idea, T-O!" Triad Neutral exclaimed.

"Dunno...sounds kinda lame to me," Triad Purple sneered.

"Well, it's all we got," Lash sighed. "Let's try it."

Over the next dozen or so hours, each member of the stranded party took turns telling Shady a scenario to no avail. They learned that neither is a clone of the other, that despite the goatee, Eryk isn't an evil Lardy from the Mirror Universe, that neither is a pod-person, that one didn't go to the past and father the other thereby fathering himself (?), that one was not a duplicate of the other due to a freak transporter accident, that neither is actually Ben Reilly, that neither is actually Haley Mills playing a dual role and that neither is actually the Time Trapper...among myriad other suggestions.

Finally, everyone gave up with only a scenario coming up every half hour or so.

When every one else was asleep, Triad Orange came forward and tapped Shady on the shoulder, waking her.

"hmmm..?" Shady managed in her groogy state.

"S-sorry to b-bother you, Shady, but...are L-lardlad and Eryk P-prime orphaned c-conjoined twins joined at the a-ass separated at b-birth and raised by t-two adoptive familes, explaining w-why neither has any ass to sp-speak of?"

Shady's eyes got big as saucers, and she nodded before again passing out.

"Thought so!" T-O said, pumping her fist in satisfaction.

Elsewhere, Varalent..........

Elsewhere, Varalent had found the manifestation of Senor Widebottom's ridiculously oversized pantaloons. It was at the very end of Back Street.

"Boyz, here we are. As soon as we climb up through these pantaloons and out of the other end we'll be in very dangerous territory. There's no telling what we might find," Varalent whispered urgently. "I want you to keep your heads down below the waistband until I can recon from up there and scope out the situation. Don't make any noise that might give us away. Got it?"

"Yes, yes, yes, we've got it!" they harmonized. "We promise we'll keep our heads inside your waistband while you check our things out."

"No that's not what I sai....then again, that might work even better!" Varalent grinned. "We'll try it your way, okay?"

"Okay!"

"Good, now let's go!" With that Varalent grabbed the hem of the leg and went in...

"God, it smells funky in here," Varalent thought to himself as he started making his way towards the faint light at the other end of what appeared to be a long straight tunnel. "I wonder when the last time was that Senor Widebottom had these pantaloons laundered?"

****Interlude****

That comment has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Or at least I don't think it does *grin*


****End interlude****

Finally, the patch of light grew nearer and Varalent could finally make out the top edge of the waistband. Carefully peeking out, ("Ahhhh!!! They're such GOOD boyz!") he quickly scanned the room and realized that it was deserted. After a few minutes to make sure that the boyz were doing a good job of following orders, he signaled for them to follow. Carefully climbing out of the pantaloons, Varalent began searching the room for a doorway.

Before long Varalent came to an exit and carefully placed his ear to the door, listening for sounds from the other side.

"Shhhh!" Varalent whispered. "There seem to be three or four people talking in the other room. Be very quiet! When we throw open this door, we're going to rush in there and grab them all. Hopefully by taking them by surprise, we'll be able to capture them all before they try to fight back!"

Signalling one of the boyz to grab the doorknob, Varalent nodded. As soon as the door flew open, he took off into the other room, followed closely by his companions.

"Grab 'em,quick!" Varalent yelled as he and the boyz attacked the small group of people in the room.

"Hey, it's......."

"Hey, it's the Light Brigade!"

Yes, last seen during the intense face-off with Obvious Traitor Boy and his bitches Odran and Boy Beautiful, the Light Brigade had long since escaped imprisonment in the Super-Jailhouse and had made their way into the oversized pantaloons and to the room which Varalent and the Boyz now entered.

"We were just working out our plan to save the LMBers from the Super-Jailhouse," Captain Lightbulb explains. "Obvious Traitor Boy has captured nearly the entire team. He's holding them somewhere in the Jailhouse, but we don't know where."

"Hmmm... well, if he's captured Umber, the Boyz can use their special connection with her to track her and figure out where everyone's at," Varalent supposes.

"That sounds like a good idea, and I know a little something about good ideas!" Captain Lightbulb exclaims.

Little did they know that Umber wasn't one of the LMBers captured by OTB and his bitches, but nonetheless this is a useful plot device to bring various parties in the story together.

Meanwhile, the One Called the One was busy torturing her latest prisoners, the LMBers she had whisked away from Fornicatia just as the planet was exploding.

Her allies in the Anti-LMB were also there, though they worried about why they had lost contact with Odran at the Super-Jailhouse. Little did they know that the Super-Jailhouse was now under the control of the renegade, radioactive mongoose-empowerd Obvious Traitor Boy.

It was at this moment that Lisp Lass decided to make her big move, to unveil the plan she'd been waiting so long to act upon, to seize the opportunity while it was ripe, to finally embrace the chance to obtain vengeance on those who had tormented her for her strange speech impediment. Quickly, she...

****Intermission****

Hmmm? Wonder what that could be?

****End Intermission****

In the meantime, back inside Alanis Morrissette.

"Did you hear that?" whispered the Man from Gragg

"What" asked Triad Purple

RRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

"That!"

"Oh, that. Yes as a matter of fact I did," Purple said with a decidedly Umber-esque flip of her hair.

"What do you think it is?" Grey Birdboy quizzed

RRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

"Look out!" Shady yelled

"I think we're about to find out!" shouted Omega Man

"Shitttttt!!!!!" screamed Lash Lad

And so it turns out that Lash was right, as usual...

Minutes later, as our heroes pulled themselves out of the odiferous quagmire in which they now found themselves they heard...

"Oh, I'm so glad it worked!"

They all looked up and exclaimed in unison "Bowel Burst Boy! What are you doing here?"

"Well, even though you rejected me at the tryouts and accepted Penis Eradicator Lad & Nads Kicker Lass as your new members, I hoped I could find a way to help and show you that my powers, disgusting as they may be, could actually be useful."

"When you split up into teams, I followed the team that came here to Canada because I had no way to follow the others. It took me a while but I finally got here only to find all of you trapped inside Alanis Morrissette," he continued.

"And you..." Faraway Lad

"Made her bowels burst, naturally!" BBB beamed.

"I was afraid of that" Faraway said

"The resulting burst excr...maybe expelled all of you is a better description at the moment." BBB finished. "Look at it this way Faraway, you're all safe and free with nothing wrong with any of you that a good long bath won't straighten out. And, if you'll forgive me, I would encourage all of you to take care of that RIGHT AWAY!"

"Yeah! You're not kidding 3B! It smells like good old Alanis has been eating lots of eggs recently," said Labradorian.

"Hang on everyone! I think I can help alleviate some of our discomfort right now," said Clothes Fall Off Fred. With a wave of his hand he employed his powers and our heroes were left standing around buck naked but much cleaner than before.

Meanwhile....

I LOST MY POST!!!!!

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Now I'll have to write a summary of what happened since the temporal anomaly struck!
<END INTERJECTION>

You better!!!

<Interjection>

Oh Oh! Here come Reed & Ben, again!


<End interjection>

Okay, so I don't really remember what happened in Bevis and KP's posts that were lost, but the most important things were that the two kidnapped children of Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass were revealed to have been drones created by the Emerald Dildo fairy, while the real twins were safe and sound and had been sent back in time, apparently to become Kid Prime and Captain Lightbulb (though this may be inaccurate, since one of them was a girl). The upshot is, though, that when the story requires it, Kid Prime can be changed into a bull.

Oh, and of course the LMBers on Fornicatia were saved from its destruction by the Emerald Dildo fairy as well. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, Lisp Lass was thinking again about her master plan:

"I will weak wengence on those who towmented me!" she said, to no one in particular. "Once Ewyk Davis Este has wegained his status as a cosmic viwwain, I will absowb his powews and take his place as wuler of the universe!"

Rody the Super-Rat, who was listening intently, was horrified at this plan, and knew he must somehow stop Lisp Lass.

"Wet me weview what is happening with my master plan!"

Lisp Lass quickly checked in on everyone: 1) The LMBers in Canada were naked after having been freed from the bowels of Alanis Morisette; 2) Lardlad, Lucifer Lass, Amber, and Kid Prime were at the Super-Jailhouse; 3) Varalent and the Boyz were themselves about to make it to the Super-Jailhouse via Senor Widebottom's pants; 4) The LMBers who'd just escaped Foricatia's destruction were, unknown to them, also in the Super-Jailhouse.

"So it wemains to twanspowt the wemaining LMBers from Canada to the Super-Jaiwhouse!"

And with a wave of her hand, the remaining LMBers found themselves naked and face to face with Obvious-Traitor Boy and his bitches.

"Didn't you all say that none of you had an ass alarm?" Seeing the nods of agreement Vee said "Oh oh, I think the shits about to hit the fan!"

"No, that happened already, remember?" Bowel Burst Boy remarked.

"Actually, it didn't hit the fan, per se," Grey Birdboy countered. To which Fat Cramer added, "If it had, we would have been an even bigger mess than we already are, I'm afraid."

"Okay, so we've been saved from the a fate worse that death by Bowel Burst Boy..." said Lash Lad

"Not sure that there's much of a frickin difference, if you ask me!" Labradorian grumbled.

Ignoring the comment, Lash Lad continued, "The big question is what do we do now? Somehow we've all been brought back to the Super Jailhouse of Space (excepting, of course, our buddies whom we're trying to save)

"Umm, guys, have any of you noticed that we're standing naked and face to face with Obvious-Traitor Boy and his bitches?" Triad Orange asked.

Suddenly.....

The bowels of Obvious Traitor Boy and his bitches burst wide open on all of the LMBers in the room, climbing all the way up into the air, until they hit the fan that had been regulating the fresh air. Feces and shit flew everywhere and covered the LMBers in a way that hadn't been done since Vaginus erupted on them years ago.

"Well, looks like the shit did hit the fan" said a satisfied Greybird.

"Dude, that's fuckin weak" said Fat Cramer.

"Wait, everyone, look at Bowel Burst Boy!" exclamed Vee, as they saw the newest recruit lying on the ground dying! "I just wanted to make you guys proud... I knew my power wasn't as powerful as some of you, but you showed me how to be the true hero within, how to go out...like an LMBer..."

The LMBers watched silently, as Bowel Burst Boy quickly faded away, having sacrificed his life to destroy Obvious Traitor Boy and his Bitches.

Newly determined to see this mission through, Vee and the rest turned to each other. "That's it, we're all here in the Super Jailhouse of Space, it's time to find some closure to this mission! Let's go!!"

"Not so fast," came a voice, as they all turned to see their old friend Cobalt Kid. "I things are getting rough and your going for the big finish. Though maybe I could pitch in" he says with a smile.

"Sounds good to me Cobalt," says Vee, "now let's finish this"

*interlude*

So, can someone give a quick run down of where everyone is in this story?

*****interlude continues*****

CK, just go back to the previous page, just before my last post, EDE did a summery of where everyone was at this point in the story (that was just after the Great Darkness and the Attack of the Cyber Spyders) after we lost some posts.

***********

*interlude*

Basically, everyone in the story is meeting in the Super-Jailhouse for the big ending!

*end interlude*

*interlude*

Thanks guys! I just reread the whole thing anyway, and find that it's more confusing to actually read the four pages, so anyone else, just reread the last pages summaries! It'll be fun attempting to stay as funny as you guys and Lardy's standard for this story!

*end interlude*