Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Super-Jailhouse of Space!!!

For the full story from the beginning, contact Kid Prime, but here's a summary of the first part:

"Once upon a time, four great heroes, members of the mighty LMB, had just completed an important mission to the faraway planet Fornicatia. While three of their number, the noble Hummer Lass, the brave Lucien Lad, and the studly Raging Bull, stayed behind on Fornicatia to clean up some loose ends, the third, the dashing Lash Lad, sped back to LMB headquarters to prepare for further adventures.

Little did they know their Fornicatia mission was far from over, for evil forces reigned on this so-called "pleasure planet". It had been secretly taken over by the LMB's arch-rivals, the anti-LMB! Led by the treachorous Behind-You Boy, the anti-LMB had enslaved the populace of Fornicatia to make them do their own bidding. They had allied themselves with the mysterious One Called the One, as well as the villainous Odran, proprietor of the Super-Jailhouse of Space!

Odran's agents captured Lash Lad upon his return to Earth, and brought him to the Super-Jailhouse where he met several fellow prisoners who had had their spirits crushed by Odran's torture. The once foul-mouthed Potty-Mouth Master (a clone of LMB ally Eryk Davis Ester) was a nervous shell of his former self. A wretch of a man claimed to have once been called "Boy Beautiful". In an attempt to free himself from this horrible place, Lash activated the special LMB signal device in his ass.

Two loyal LMBers picked up Lash's signal, though they responded in very different ways. Umber returned Lash's call only to be teleported by the signal device to the Super-Jailhouse. Leap Year Lass, on monitor duty in LMB HQ, assembled a team of LMBers to rescue Lash Lad.

Soon after Umber was brought to the Super-Jailhouse, it was realized that her presence would not go unnoticed by Odran's clone guards. Fortunately, help seemed to be on the way in the form of missing LMBer Senor Widebottom, who as it turned out was himself a prisoner of the Super-Jailhouse. Reluctantly, Umber hid in the Senor's humorously over-sized pantaloons. The scheme might have worked, had it not been for the presence of the prisoner known as Obvious Traitor Boy, who revealed both Umber's location and Lash's ass alarm to Odran's guards.

In the attempt to find Umber in the depths of Senor Widebottom's gigantic clown pants, Obvious Traitor Boy was bitten by radioactive mongoose and had to be taken to the jailhouse infirmary. But Umber was found soon enough, and as Lash Lad was taken to the anal probe lab for removal of his ass alarm, the Senor and Umber fail victim to Odran's most hideous power, that of super-fatassing.

Lash Lad escaped the anal probe lab when his ass alarm was accidentally activated upon removal, interrupting one of Lardlad's sex romps to teleport him to the lab. He quickly dispatched Odran's thugs and freed Lash, only to teleport back to his activities. Unknown to Lardy, the villain Salad-Tosser Lord had also been transported to the lab, via a stolen LMB commicator he had acquired during a previous adventure. Lash Lad quickly defeats Salad-Tosser Lord and drags his unconscious body to the main cell of the Super-Jailhouse, and dispatches Odran's clones in the room, before Odran himself can react.

Meanwhile, Leap Year Lass had assembled a team to rescue Lash Lad, consisting of Space Tary, Beagle Boy, Omega Man, Faraway Lad, Grey Birdboy, and Shady. They had to delay their mission to help Lash, however, to hold scheduled LMB tryouts. The tryouts, which featured applicants Penis-Eradicator Lad, Nads-Kicker Lass, and Bowel Burst Boy, was interrupted by an attack by what seemed to be the LMB's allies, the Light Brigade. With the help of the applicants, the LMB defeated the Light Brigade, only to discover that they were in fact clones of the Light Brigade created on Fornicatia by the evil Behind-You Boy.

The LMBers quickly admitted Penis-Eradicator Lad and Nads-Kicker Lass, who, unknown to them, were secretly spies sent by the One Called the One, into their ranks, and were about to rescue Lash Lad, when suddenly a call came in from Austria (which optimusmagnus was currently in the form of) that Entropy Spinach had been sighted. They quickly decided Lash would have to handle himself, and departed for Austria.

Meanwhile, Lash Lad and the other prisoners in the Super-Jailhouse stood facing Odran. By taunting Potty-Mouth Master, Lash restored his vile tongue, which led to his angrily rushing Lash, who quickly stepped out of the way, leading to a collision between Potty-Mouth Master's super-charged mouth and Odran's crotch. The resulting explosion teleported Grey Birdboy from the LMB shuttle that had just reached Austria to the Super-Jailhouse, causing the LMB shuttle to crash in Austria.

Meanwhile, back on Fornicatia, Hummer Lass and Lucien Lad had made a strange discover of an ancient artifact, the Emerald Dildo of Ekkron! Meanwhile, they found themselves strangely attracted to one another, and gave into their desires, and a few time-distorting flashes of Emerald Energy later, found themselves the proud parents of twin calves, soon changed to normal babies by that ever-beautiful and resourceful Emerald Dildo fairy! I think she's the coolest character in this story by far! Maybe we should just make the rest of the story about her...?

Oh well, at this point the other LMBer on Fornicatia, Raging Bull, had discovered some of the anti-LMB's activities on the planet, in the form a large thrall of clones of his teammate Lash Lad. These clones lustfully chased him for many miles, until he located the cave where Hummer Lass and Lucien Lad were hidden.

Meanwhile, the anti-LMB had begun phase two of their hideous plan, the invasion of Canada! The army of Fornicatia, known as the Whore Horde, quickly overwhelmed Canadian LMBers the Labradorian and Fat Cramer.

...And, in one other sub-plot, which isn't clear how it connect to the rest, the evil Lisp Lass (who doesn't Lisp but speaks like Elmer Fudd), is watching all of the various activities from a base on the far side of the planetoid on which the Super-Jailhouse is located. Her exact motivations, or how she came to be as an independent entity (since she was originally a transformed version of the One Called the One) has yet to be revealed.

Rody the Super-Rat, however, with his keen nose for the affairs of evil-doers, has been spying on Lisp Lass, and tried to contact the LMB super-pets for assistance, thought the signal was instead intercepted by LMB allies Turns-You-Into-a Country Kid and his best friend Clothes-Fall Off Fred, who contact LMB HQ for help.

Leap Year Lass, still on duty at LMB HG, realizes that the only way she can deal with all the crises that are presently going on is to split herself into numerous alternate IDs, and send them in pairs to the varioius crisis points. So LYL and Tarik the Mute's android teleport to the Super-Jailhouse; Mekt Ranzz and Quinn M, Only Child teleport to Fornicatia; Society Girl and Truckstop Debutante teleport to Fred and TYIACK's spaceship; and Triad's Neutral, Purple, and Orange teleport to Canada, along with Hi-Risk von Tingle.

LYL and TtMA nearly turn the tide against Odran, except for the unexpected return of the radioactive-mongoose charged Obvious Traitor Boy, who disposes of everyone present, takes over the Super-Jailhouse, and straps Lash Lad, Grey Birdboy, and Leapy into Dream Machines. Leapy awakes from her dream to realize what was going on, teleports out of the machine, tries to find what happened to fatassed Umber and fatassed Senor Widebottom, and so manages to locate the other prisoners in the mines. Just as Boy Beautiful is about to reveal the location of her friends, Obvious Traitor Boy returns and restores his good looks, making him switch his loyalties to Obvious Traitor Boy. Even the presence of the Light Brigade, who had been sent to the Super-Jailhouse after being cloned by the anti-LMB on Fornicatia, fails to turn the tide, because most of them fall prey to Boy Beautiful's boyish good looks.

In Canada, the Triads and Hi-Risk von Tingle aren't having much more success turning the tide, but they do recruit another Canadian LMBer, the Man from Cargg, to help.

On the spaceship, Society Girl and Truckstop Debutante really have done much, either, other than listen to the story of how Fred and TYIACK got unmerged.

Mekt Ranzz and Quinn M. Only Child had a bit more success, as Mekt was able to save the other LMBers from the hordes of Lash clones with a little lightning.

Alright... meanwhile, in one last sub-plot, the Boyz, having psychically felt Umber's super-fatassing, began scurrying the galaxy for the one person who could save her from this fate, her parallel-universe counterpart Amber, who they tracked to a bar in the far corned of the universe. At the bar was also a bitchy son of bitch named Bitch Lad, who was teleported away by a mysterious stranger who was borrowing dialogue from the Dream Crime arc. They found Amber, who dissed them in favor of leaving with her new girlfriend, who appeared to be Jennifer Anniston but is apparently Eryk Davis Ester's parallel-universe gender-reversed evil clone Lucifer Lass.

Meanwhile... Lardlad had finally decided to put his pants on and help out with the mission. For some reason, he felt it was necessary to find the missing Eryk Davis Ester, who he had allowed everyone else to believe was merely a manifestation of the Lardforce, and had been subsumed back into him. But where was Eryk Davis Ester, well, all we know is that he was dreaming about masturbation, and woke up."

And the story continues:

Suddenly, inexplicably, all of EDE's hard work on summarizing the story thus far was rendered into a steaming pile of wasted effort, as the current LMB Continuity was mysteriously destroyed by an eerie cataclysm, NEVER to return!

In its stead stood the NEW current LMB Continuity-- a continuity in which all members of the team were funny-animals!

"This quackin' SUCKS!" honked Eryk Duckvis Ester. "I concuuuuur!" baa'ed Shadysheep.

"Awwww, MAN!!! I'm a dawg for REAL now!" barked Lash Lab.

"ALL PART OF MY MASTER PLAN!" screeched a human voice behind the assembled animal LMBers! They whirled (or waddled, or turned on all fours, whatever) around to see the visage of......

Petting Zoo King!

"That's correct, LMB! You're all trapped in my Petting Zoo of Doom where hyperactive children will come in and annoy the shit outta you until you scream to die a thousand deaths!! BWA HA HA HA!"

"Oh NO!" wailed Kid Primepanda. "What a nefarious ploy!" spat Lardllama. "You'll never get AWAY with this!" brayed Senor Assbottom.

"Oh, WON'T I?" Petting Zoo King taunted in reply. "RELEASE THE HYPERACTIVE CHILDREN!!!!

Oh, WON'T I?" Petting Zoo King taunted in reply. "RELEASE THE HYPERACTIVE CHILDREN!!!!

Grey Birdboy woke up in a complete fright. Oddly enough, he had been SHARING Lash Lad's dream about the funny animals, being strapped in to the Dream Machine next to Lash, as he was.

He turned to Lash Lad and said...

"That wasn't REALLY a dream, was it?"

"Nope" Lash Lad replied. "There really IS a funny-animal dimension LMB. The PETTING ZOO OF DOOM storyline is now occuring concurrently with this one, resulting in an even MORE convoluted overall story!"

"All I know" Greybird said, "is I'm not so fond of any reality where I'm a rooster code-named Greycock..."

But before Grey Birdboy could say what he wanted to say, Eryk Davis Ester walked in from the dream monitor room, rubbing his eyes from where he had been dreaming about masturbating. "Oh no you two don't, "he exclaimed. "We can't have you two waking up quite yet and destroying everything!" Eryk fiddled with some dials and then flipped a switch, sending both Lash Lad and Grey Birdboy back to dreaming about the Legion of Funny-Animals.

Optimoose Magnus shrieked and shrieked and shrieked and shrieked some more! He shrieked so long and loud that he set off the alternate-dimension car alarm in the Baxter Building about 50 dimensions over!

"Aw, Stretcho, why da ya have ta sound the alarm just when I jump in the bubble bath allatime!" Ben said.

"It wasn't me this time, Ben," Reed barely looked up from his instruments. "You see, this alarm was set off by a disturbance from another reality!"

"Anodduh... wha??? Stretch, have you been playing wit' the hallucinowhatsisthingamabobber agin? I'm tellin' Suzie if ya did, ya promised ta swear off cold turkey..."

"No, no, Ben, nothing like that!" Reed exclaimed irritatedly. "If you'll give me a minute to explain, why, it's really quite fascinating. A little while ago, in this very interesting yet strangely sexually-charged dimension I've been monitoring, a group called the LMB had quite the donnybrook-"

"Wha?" Ben bust in.

"Sorry, Ben. Quite the big fight with their nemesis, the One who is the One. She had been trapped in the form of Lisp Lass and had just regained her powers by eating a mystically-charged letter R/L at this cosimcally-charged Ice Cream Parlor/l they had been frequenting."

"Ya lost me, stretch. I'm gonna jus' go rest my brain in the bubble bath-"

"Now, now, Ben, this is IMPORTANT," Reed exclaimed. "You see, when the One regained her powers, she destroyed the universe and optimusmagnus and Captain Lightbulb rebooted it into the Scoobyverse by combining their powers. Eventually, it was transformed back into its "normal" state, but there were a couple of repercussions. The first repercussion was that the universe-destroying blast separated the essence of Lisp Lass irrecovably from the One who is the One, creating in effect, two separate entities."

"Uh-huh." Ben's eyes were seriously glazing over at this point.

"Secondly (and this is far more interesting, Ben,) the strain on optimusmagnus's cartoon-projection powers was such that it caused him to lose them permanently, but no one seemed to care exactly WHERE they went. In reality, his powers went into a cartoon causal-reality loop, continuing to reboot the universe into multiple cartoon realities."

"I got it, Big Brain! That's what caused the Funny-Animalverse!" Ben brightened.

"That's right, Ben." Reed went on. "Plus, the Scoobyverse never died, it just continued on in its own parallel universe, as did the Smurfverse, the Flintstoneverse, the 90210verse, the Simpsonsverse... why there are an INFINITE number of LMB realities floating around!"

"And is this gonna destroy OUR universe, Stretch? Quick, call the guys..."

"Wait a minute, Ben," Reed chuckled. "None of this affects our reality in any way at all, and it's impossible for us to affect it as well."

"So you've been watching this ALL THIS TIME FOR NO REASON?" Ben demanded.

"Hell, Ben, it beats watching Springer--" Ben was interrupted by the entrance of a certain flaming youth. "Well, come in, Johnny, what's the matter?"

"Reed, Ben," Johnny stepped forward. "There's something I've been needing to tell you for... a while, but... well, it's hard to say. This is my friend Jean-Paul. He's a skier from Canada..."

As Johnny went on, the tiny Optimoose Magnus in Reed's Realityoscope continued screaming, for in the funnyanimalverse, something was happening. And that was...

As Johnny went on, the tiny Optimoose Magnus in Reed's Realityoscope continued screaming, for in the funnyanimalverse, something was happening. And that was...

...two humans had appeared in the paddock next to him: It was Betty and Veronica! They were naked and having HOT LESBIAN SEX! As this was going on, thought bubbles were visible above them. "Oh God! Why did we waste all those years on Archie? He was obviously getting it on with Jughead all along! Oh, YES!!! THIS is how it should've been all along!" the bubbles read.

***Reed was actually relieved to be drawn back to what was happening on his Realityoscope. Better a possible multiversial calamity than facing the awkward moment imminent in his own dimension. He surveyed the scene at hand with his usual detached scientific scrutiny, using mind over matter to assuage the stiffness in his loins this latest scene had elicited. He watched as more troubling developments occured.***

Optimoose Magnus continued to scream. "THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!!" he cried between two of his deafening roars.

To his horror, Optimoose noticed other paddocks were having unlikely occupants materialise in them. In one, Aquaman and Prince Namor were being sodomized by swordfish. In another, Mickey Mouse was giving Prince Valiant a hummer. And those hyperactive kids dissappeared to be replaced by strangely homoerotic mutants.

***As more and more conflicting realities manifested in the zoo, Reed dropped his head in his hands.

"Whatsamatter, Stretcho?" Grimm asked.

"Yeah, Reed," Johnny added impatiently, "I gotta tell you about me and Jean-Paul!"

Reed looked up wearily and said, "it doesn't really matter what the situation is between you and Jean-Paul, Johnny. Because, if my calculations are correct, the multiverse will soon be imploding in on itself with the gravimetric force of an infinitessimally dense singularity."

"Huh?" Grimm, Johnny and Jean-Paul said in unison.

Annoyed, Reed said, "simply put? We're fucked!"***

Meanwhile, Optimoose Magnus saw the most perverted perversion yet appear in the paddock directly diagonal and to the left of his........

Namely, yet another picture of Llance! This, plus the fact that the thread had fallen to pg. 3, shocked both Lash Lad and Grey Birdboy back to consciousness and pushed the storyline out of the crazed detour that it gone and back to reality, where they still remained trapped in the dream chairs.

But before we can get to the mystery of Eryk Davis Ester's involvement with the Super-Jailhouse, and whether, as appearances suggest he has turned against the LMBers who once were his friends, let's return to Austria, where a shuttle containing several LMBers has recently crashed (according to the story summary on the last page)...

...they were DEAD, all of them had died HORRIBLY IN THE CRASH!!!

At least, the lifeless automaton-decoys that were on the ship had.

Which begged the question... where were the REAL LMBers?

As it turns out, they were all....

...strapped to dream chairs in the Super-Jailhouse! A delayed effect of the earlier collision between Potty-Mouth Master super-charged mouth and the super-crotch of Odran that had first teleported Grey Birdboy to the Super-Jailhouse had teleported the others in the shuttle as well!

Shady sat there, dreaming of...

...Lardy! But fear not, it was not an erotic dream! Rather, the dream involved his connection with Eryk Davis Ester and all his incarnations.

Suddenly, violently, Shady woke up from her dream state. The force of her waking was so cataclysmic that it shorted out her, and everyone else's, dream chairs. Slowly, everyone regained their wits about them, even those whose dreams were the perfect erotic fantasy. They all looked at Shady, puzzled. Somehow they knew that it was her distress that had shorted out all the dream chairs and brought them back to the real world.

Steadying herself, Shady answered their unasked question. With a haunted look, she announced, "Eryk isn't a clone of Lardy...Lardy's a clone of Eryk!!!" Then she collapsed.

Everyone's jaws were so agape that flies were sure to take refuge in them.

Elsewhere..........

Odran had just dropped the soap and inadvertently used his super-fatassing ray on... uh, some guy.

Potty-Mouth Master had run away from the scene of the battle involving Boy Beautiful almost immediately upon being freed. Having escaped Boy Beautiful's magical good looks, he had been running through the Super-Jailhouse of Space looking for either the exit or the bathroom, finding neither.

"Where the FUCK is the FUCKING SHITTER around here?!?!?" he screamed desperately.

"Oh, I don't think you'll be needing that anymore," a sinister yet strangely appealing voice sounded behind him.

"Why... %^*%^ ME! It's another Eryk Davis Ester clone!" Potty-Mouth Master exclaimed.

"I'm afraid not," Eryk said blithely, as a strange energy field leapt from his hand, enveloping Potty-Mouth Master.

"What the hell is going on! Who the fuck are you?!?" Potty-Mouth Master screamed as indescribable pain shot through his body.

"Since in a few seconds it won't matter, I'll tell you," Eryk Davis Ester smiled. I am the one from which you, among others, are created."

"Duh, we're all a bunch of fuckin clones-" PMM was interrupted.

"NOT. CLONES." Eryk went on. Think of it more as... personas, or images, or powers... for you see, a very long time ago, I ruled all... but power can be fleeting. It was a bold gambit, I must admit... SEPARATING me into countless hundreds, each with but a hundredth of the power I once bore, and with NO memory of his or her origins. I have spent years in the quest to reabsorb all of my dopplegangers... and thus you see... my Super-Jailhouse. The DREAM MACHINE... and by draining the dream energy of the LMBers who were attached to the machine, I now have the power to reabsorb ALL of my wayward selves, starting with you."

"AW SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT........." PMM began to become one with Eryk-Prime.

"Soon, all of them will be me," Eryk-Prime laughed. "Esther Rolle, Lardlad, and all the others... all the EDE's of the universe will be me... and we will be..." Eryk-Prime chuckled throatily. "UNSTOPPABLE."

Now where the hell is that fucking shitter? Oh yes, it's this way." Potty-Mouth Master now completely absorbed, Eryk-Prime continued walking through the Super-Jailhouse of Space.

Back in the space cruiser with Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid ,Clothes-Fall-Off-Fred, Society Girl, and Truckstop Debutante, they were just finishing the story about Dame Shirley Bassey and preparing to dock with the prison planetoid, when...

Back in the space cruiser with Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid ,Clothes-Fall-Off-Fred, Society Girl, and Truckstop Debutante, they were just finishing the story about Dame Shirley Bassey and preparing to dock with the prison planetoid, when..<

...Eryk-Prime materialized in their midst.

"EDE!" Society Girl exclaimed at the sight of him.

Bemused, Eryk-Prime surveyed the scene. "AH!" he sighed, "my first stop in my clean-up of this hopelessly overblown story! Society Girl, Truckstop Debutante...I reclaim you!"

The duo were barely able to so much as yelp as they were absorbed into Eryk-Prime.

"What the Fuck!?!" Fred and TYIACK exclaimed in shock.

"Oh, fear not," Prime said in a detached manner, "you two are safe, as you are not among my many selves. Plus, you two are too amusing to extinguish by other means. For now, I will store you in my private tessaract..."

And with a wave of a hand, the pair dissappeared, leaving only a derelict shuttle.

"And now," Eryk-Prime declared regally, "to my next repo destination!" And he vanished.

Elsewhere, Shady was still recovering from her shock. As she came to, she muttered, "maybe I was wrong...", and passed out.

Meanwhile, Eryk-Prime re-materialised at.......

...the Man from Cargg's house in Canada, where he, the Triads and Hi-Risk von Tingle were planning their assult on the Army of Fornicata (aka the Whore Horde), which had overwhelmed the Labradorian and Fat Cramer.

Not realizing that Eryk-Prime had become a power-mad cosmic villain, they greeted their old teammate with enthusiasm.

"Reinforcements!" cried the Man from Cargg.
"Let's have a beer!" cried Hi-Risk von Tingle.
"Tee-hee! Tee-hee! Tee-hee!" giggled the Triads.

The next morning, the four LMBers (six if you count 3 Triads) woke up with galaxy-class headaches.

"Let's just hang here today," muttered Hi-Risk. "FC and Labby are probably not suffering - in fact, they may be enjoying themselves with the Whores. We can rescue them tomorrow."

"No, no - we must go today," insisted Eryk-Prime. ("I want to wrap this up before they realize that I've become a power-mad cosmic villain," he thought to himself. "And I have to meet Lori and Lester tonight to review Lori's plans for McCauley Industries. Sure was cool of her to make me a Director....")

Triad called Captain Shvaugn Sean Erin, the only hermaphrodite to ever command the Royal Canadian Mounted Science Police, to get a situation update. She learned that the RCMSPs had been unable to subdue the Army of Formicata, who were holding Cramer and Labby hostage in a Tim Horton's coffee shop.

So our three heroes and one cosmic villain jumped in Hi-Risk von Tingles Snake-Oil-Class Cruiser and headed off to take on the Whores.

Meanwhile, back at the Super-Jailhouse...

The Super-Jailhouse was on a direct collision course with a pair of sharp cosmic pruning shears which materialized out of thin air (or thin SPACE as the case may be.). Of course, no one involved in the fight with Boy Beautiful noticed, as they were all mesmerized by Boy Beautiful's manly good looks. The Super-Jailhouse of Space crept closer and closer to its pruning-shear DOOM....

Meanwhile, in the Tim Horton's coffee shop, Fat Cramer was wondering where everyone else was.

Fortunately, Lisp Lass was still monitoring the situation, and kept track of everyone:

Prisoners of the Whore Horde in Canada: Fat Cramer, the Labradorian

At the Man From Cargg's House: The Man From Cargg, Hi-Risk von Tingle, Triads Purple, Neutral, and Orange, and Eryk Davis Ester (secretly a power-mad villain!)

Just docked at the Super-Jailhouse: Turns You Into a Country Kid and Clothes Fall Off Fred

Strapped to dream chairs in the Super-Jailhouse: Space Tart, Beagle Boy, Omega Man, Faraway Lad, Grey Birdboy, Shady, and Lash Lad

In the Super-Jailhouse, not strapped into dream chairs: Leap Year Lass, the Light Brigade, Obvious-Traitor Boy, his bitches Odran and Boy Beautiful, other assorted prisoners

In the Super-Jailhouse, exact whereabouts unknown: Super-fatassed Umber and Senor Widebottom

Austria, threatened by Entropy Spinach: Kid Prime

Searching for EDE: Lardlad

On Fornicatia: Lucien Lad, Hummer Lass, Cub and Cubby (growing at an incredible rate), Raging Bull, Mekt Ranzz, and Quinn M., Only Child.

Trapped under a bed in a bar in a far-off corner of the universe: the Boyz

Whereabouts Unknown: Lucifer Lass and Amber

Whereabouts also Unknown: Bitch Lad and Mysterious Stranger

In a secret base on the far side of the planetoid: Lisp Lass, and Rody the Super-Rat

I think that's everyone! What will happen next? I'm on the edge of my seat!

DAMN IT!!! I'm STILL Austria?!?!?

Mein Gott im Himmel!

Well, good heavens! It's cooler than Birmingham, isn't it? And there's the yodelling festival this week. Not to mention all that beer!

Just then, more energy from the earlier Potty-Mouth/Odran crotch collision floated out into space around the super-jailhouse, where it hit the mysterious pruning shears, saving the jailhouse and everyone on it just in time (and unbenownst to them). The pruning shears were transported to Earth, above Austria, wear they cut up the Entropy Spinach into little bit, which, upon landing on Kid Prime/Austria, had the effect of negating the requirement that he had to spend two weeks a year as a country. His relief was short-lived, however, as suddenly Lardlad appeared, and said...

..."Quick, Kid Prime, come with me!"

"What?!?" KP said indignantly. "I've been a fucking country for gods-know-how-long! I wanna catch up on being a dude!"

"Well, boo-hoo!" Lardy sneered. "Gonna be kinda hard catchin' up on bein' a dude if the universe is destroyed by Eryk, ain't it?"

"Say what?"

"Turns out that Eryk Prime...the person whom all the Eryks, and at least half the other characters in this story are copies of, including possibly myself...is out to absorb all his other selves. If he succeeds, the universe may very well be destroyed!"

"Aw, fuck...not again! Why does it always have to be about universal destruction?"

"Get over it! Anyhoo, since you're KID Prime and he's ERYK Prime, I figure you're the key to beating him!"

"How d'you figure that?"

"Well...you both share 'Prime' as a common denominator...and that's gotta be important!"

"<sigh> Since when did you start using Boy Wonder Logic, Lardy?"

"Probably one too many doobies, KP...now, let's go!"

Before KP could protest, they disappeared in a <SPLAT> of Lardforce, only to reappear at the unlikely destination of......

Faraways room in Legion World.

“What the fuck” said Lardy, more because he liked to than for any real dramatic effect.

“Why are we here Lardlad” asked Kid Prime?

“Lardy?.....Lardy!!!! Lardy!!!!!” he shouted as Lardlad had sat down on Faraways couch, staring open mouthed at an art house movie playing on the large holo vid set in the corner. A large beer and a bowl of chips had somehow appeared beside him, and slowly as if in a hypnotic state Lardlad was eating and drinking.

“How the fuck is she doing that to him, and that position is…..” Murmured the lard knight quietly almost in a drugged slurred voice.

Kid Prime took one look at the images filling the holo vid, gasped in amazement, and, after a slight adjustment to the front of his superhero spandex, which had somehow become a little tight, moved towards the bedroom to see if he could find Faraway.

Opening the bedroom door Kid Prime saw……………….

Lucifer Lass and Amber.

At the sight of the villainous Lucifer Lass, Kid Prime reached for the DVD player on his belt to project the squad of Autobots he'd readied up, but before he could do so, he was hit from behind by a swarm of pillows.

"No need for conflict, my dear. I believe we can be of some use to one another. You are, I believe, searching for Eryk Davis Ester?"

"Yeah... uh, well, Lardy is in particular. Hey, Lardy, pay attention!"

With a wave of her hand Lucifer Lass flicked off the TV in Faraway Lad's room.

"Oh, yeah!" Lardy exclaimed. "Now I remember WHY we're here. We've got to get to the Super-Jailhouse of Space!"

"Indeed." Lucifer Lass agreed.

"But why come here?" Kid Prime asks. "Why not 'port there directly?"

"Because of the force field, my dear boy! That's the same reason WE are here." Lucifer Lass explains.

"Yeah, we can't 'port there directly. Fortunately, I've been preparing for this for weeks," says Lardy. "That's why I sent Senor Widebottom on a special mission weeks ago to infiltrate the Super-Jailhouse. You see, Senor Widebottom's absurdly oversize pantaloons are actually so large, that an aspect of them manifests itself at the end of the corridor outside Faraway Lad's room. We can enter the pantaloon's here, and, if we don't get lost, we can re-emerge inside the Super-Jailhouse!"

So Lardlad, Kid Prime, Lucifer Lass, and Amber all traveled together into Senor Widebottom's humorously oversized pantaloons.

Soon, the emerged from the pantaloons, which had long ago been removed from Senor Widebottom's now even wider bottom, and found themselves in...

...Super-fatassed Umber's pants!

"Argh!" Kid Prime yelled. "I can't breathe! There's definitely not enough room in this spandex for four people and a super fatass!"

"I dunno," Lardy sighed, "I always liked a gal with a little junk in the trunk!"

"I'll handle this," Lucifer Lass growled and she stabbed through the spandex with her pitchfork.

As the four tumbled out, Umber let out a screech. "Oh no, not Amber! Y-you just can't see me like this!"

"That's okay," tittered Amber, "it's not much bigger than before."

Umber started screaming when Lardy interjected, "y'know, Umber, I can help you with this."

"Y-you can?"

"If you really want to that is...some would consider that quite an <cough> asset."

"No, I don't want it! Take it away!"

"<sigh> as you wish." Then Lardy used his control of the Lardforce to siphon off the excess ass.

"Oh! Thanks, Lardy...I owe you a BJ later!"

"I'll keep you to your word there."

So the quintet left and headed fo the dream chair room, leaving Senor Widebottom by his lonesome.

When they got to the dream chair room, the first thing they saw was........

...the first thing they saw was that the the room was empty!

"But this should be where all the dream chairs are!" Lardy exclaimed.

"And exactly how do you know your way around this place...?" Kid Prime asked.

"From the stolen plans for this super-jailhouse! Didn't I tell you we'd been planning this whole operation for months?"

"I don't sense the dream chairs anywhere in the vicinity," Lucifer Lass adds.

"You can sense chairs?" Lardy exclaims.

"Of course. While most of my power and interest is focused on the manipulation of beds, I actually have a telekinetic link with most all forms of furniture..."

Meanwhile, on Fornicatia...

<Meanwhile on Fornicatia...>

...the planet began to tremble! Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass, who were nurturing their offspring Cub and Cubby (still growing at an incredible rate), were startled.

"My love," Hummer Lass exclaimed, "what's going on?"

But before Lucien could express his confusion, Eryk-Prime appeared suddenly before them. "Ah!" he said, "I see you too have helped my project along, as expected!" Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass found themselves unable to move, restrained by an unseen force as he casually waved a hand.

"EDE? What do you mean? What are you doing here?" Lucien asked, flustered.

"Oh, that's right...you don't know! Well, essentially, I'm evil, yadda-yadda-yadda, and I'm here to do evil things!"

"L-like what?" Hummer Lass stammered.

"Oh, surely you don't think you're coupling was natural? A stone-cold gay man and an ex-oral-only-prostitute who'd never actually had penetrating sex before? HA! I bewitched the two of you so you could grow my two lieutenants for me!"

And with a wave of Eryk-Prime's hand, Cub and Cubby immediately grew into adulthood and stood by him.

He gestured to the former Cub, who now sported a nelly Green Arrow hat, on his right and said, "may I introduce Calamity King and..." With a gesture to his left, he finished "...Lester Spiffany! With these powerful aspects of myself by my side, we will rule ALL!"

Lucien and Hummer Lass were too horrified to speak until she managed to say, "our babies!"

"No, no...I'm afraid they never truly were," Eryk-Prime said in a mock-soothing way and added, "here, this may ease your pain some."

And with another wave, Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass were released from the spell that caused them to connect. The sudden lack of their mutual comfort only made things worse.

"HA-HA!!!" Eryk-Prime laughed evilly. "Don't worry...you're grief will be short-lived. Fornicatia is about to self-destruct, with you and everyone else on it! Already I have absorbed my creations, the Whore Horde, and trapped my unwitting 'allies' including High-Risk Von Tingle in a collapsed Canadian landmark (can't remember which one since I don't know of any Canadian landmarks off the top of my head). All of this happened, of course, off-panel since my last appearance on page one of this thread"

Eryk-Prime paused to finally take a breath, then continued. "Anyhoo, the destruction of Fornicatia will make me even more powerful! Calamity King, tickle the planet's G-spot to bring the eruption to full climax, will you?"

Calamity King concentrated for a moment, then the ground shook even more violently.

Eryk-Prime seemed to bask in the force of the quakes for a moment before saying, "Guess that's our cue to leave! Toodles!" And he, Lester and Calamity King dissappeared, leaving Lucien Lad, Hummer Lass, Raging Bull, Mekt Ranzz, Quinn M., Only Child, and the rest of the populace to face imminent destruction.

And minutes later, Fornicatia was no more.

Meanwhile, Shady and all the others who had been victims of the dream chairs found themselves trapped in that collapsed Canadian landmark of which Eryk-Prime couldn't remember the name. As the still-disoriented LMBPers tried to get their bearings..........

INTERJECTION

Egads! I'm turning out to one nasty mega-villain!

I can't wait to see what happens next?

So somebody else want to add a chapter?

END INTERJECTION

INTERJECTION

Eryk...even if I have to finish this one myself...even if it KILLS me...this one's gonna have an ending!!!!!

END INTERJECTION

....their surroundings began to shake!

"Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!" the Labradorian yelled. "What the nass is going on? Where are we?"

As she got her bearings, Fat Cramer looked around. "Don't know where we are, but we've got company." Looking around she saw The Man From Cargg, Hi-Risk von Tingle and Triads Purple, Neutral, and Orange in one group. A pair of fellas she recognized as Turns You Into a Country Kid and Clothes Fall Off Fred were standing off to the side. Finally, a group consisting of Space Tart, Beagle Boy, Omega Man, Faraway Lad, Grey Birdboy and Lash Lad were congregated together around Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass.

"C'mon, Labby," FC decided, "let's see what's going on with Shady---I'll bet we find some answers from her!" As the pair headed toward Shady's group, the other two groups tacitly decided to follow.

"Shady!" Lash shouted as he shook her, "snap out of it!"

"Wh-what?" she managed.

"After you freed us, and before we mysteriously got zapped here, you said something about EDE and Lardy...that you may have been wrong about Lardy being EDE's duplicate!"

"Y-yes, I remember, now...Lardy and EDE are..."

"Forget that!" Labradorian griped. "Get her to sense where we are!"

"Can you, Shady?" Lash said gently.

She concentrated for a moment, then replied, "yes."

"Well?" Labradorian pressed.

"We're in-inside a collapsed Canadian monument."

Labradorian, a resident Canadian, looked around at their murky surroundings appraisingly. "Hmmm..." he thought aloud, "doesn't look like the CN Tower, the West Edmunton Mall, Parliament Hill or Olympic Stadium... which one of our dozens and dozens of fine monuments are we in?"

"N-none of those," Shady said weakly, "we're in...A-Alanis...Morissette..."

"WHAT?!?!?" roared the assembled mass of heroes at once.

Meanwhile (in the interest of getting to all the dangling characters) Lisp Lass was........

Lisp Lass was taking a nap. That means she was missing out on what was going on. Whatever her diabolical plans were, they would wait for awhile.

Meanwhile, the Boyz were still trapped under the bed in a faraway bar, when suddenly the bed began to shrink. Yes, it was long-lost LMBer Varalent who had freed them.

They told them of their quest to find Amber to help Umber, and that she had apparently fallen under the spell of the evil Lucifer Lass. They also told him about the mysterious stranger who had disappeared with Bitch Lad. They asked him where he had been all this time.

Varalent responds, "My story can wait for another day. For now, there is great evil afoot. From your description of that mysterious stranger, he sounds like my friend Eryk Davis Ester. If so, there may be great danger ahead..."

Meanwhile, the LMBers trapped in Alanis Morrissette were wondering what horrible fate had befallen their newest members Penis-Eradicator Lad and Nads-Kicker Lass (secretly double agents working for the One Called the One). As a matter of fact, they were....

...now in Austria, or rather, they were now Austria! It seems that when the Entropy Spinach freed Kid Prime from his requirement to be Austria it had filled the void left by his departure with none other than PE Lad And NK Lass! But since Austria was a rather small country, Penis-Eradicator Lad had shifted sideways and had in turn become Hungary! (Actually he had overcome Hungary by eradicating Hung Gary's penis.) The two of them were now greedily plotting the return to pre-eminence of the Austrian-Hungarian Empire.

Back at the faraway bar, the Boyz and Varalent huddled together trying to sort out a plan of action...

INTERJECTION
Hung Gary????

Now that's why we need people other than just me and Lardy writing!

I like it!

END INTERJECTION

"But how the fragg are we supposed to get there? Can any of you teleport us?" Varalent says as he looks around at the Boyz. "Damn, I didn't think so. Why doesn't anyone have an ass alarm when I need one. Wait a minute, I know"

"What?" The Boyz sang in chorus

"Senor Widebottom's pants, of course! This is the Faraway Bar isn't it? Well, one of the legs of Senor Widebottom ridiculously oversized pantaloons manifests itself in the Back Street behind the Faraway Bar just like another manifests itself in the corridor outside Faraway Lad's room. To the Back Street, Boyz, it looks like we're the cavalry today. Let's go!"


Meanwhile, the LMBers trapped in Alanis Morrissette were...

...STILL huddled around Shady and STILL waiting for the big reveal about the mysterious connection between Eryk Prime and Lardlad. But she kept passing out over and over and over!

"Oh, for grife's sake!" Labradorian screamed in frustration. "She can't say it! Something else else's preventing her from getting the words out. She'll keep passing out just when she's about to spill the beans!"

Triad Orange timidly suggested, "w-well, w-what if we g-guess it? C-could she n-nod or something if we g-get it right?"

"That's not a shabby idea, T-O!" Triad Neutral exclaimed.

"Dunno...sounds kinda lame to me," Triad Purple sneered.

"Well, it's all we got," Lash sighed. "Let's try it."

Over the next dozen or so hours, each member of the stranded party took turns telling Shady a scenario to no avail. They learned that neither is a clone of the other, that despite the goatee, Eryk isn't an evil Lardy from the Mirror Universe, that neither is a pod-person, that one didn't go to the past and father the other thereby fathering himself (?), that one was not a duplicate of the other due to a freak transporter accident, that neither is actually Ben Reilly, that neither is actually Haley Mills playing a dual role and that neither is actually the Time Trapper...among myriad other suggestions.

Finally, everyone gave up with only a scenario coming up every half hour or so.

When every one else was asleep, Triad Orange came forward and tapped Shady on the shoulder, waking her.

"hmmm..?" Shady managed in her groogy state.

"S-sorry to b-bother you, Shady, but...are L-lardlad and Eryk P-prime orphaned c-conjoined twins joined at the a-ass separated at b-birth and raised by t-two adoptive familes, explaining w-why neither has any ass to sp-speak of?"

Shady's eyes got big as saucers, and she nodded before again passing out.

"Thought so!" T-O said, pumping her fist in satisfaction.

Elsewhere, Varalent..........

Elsewhere, Varalent had found the manifestation of Senor Widebottom's ridiculously oversized pantaloons. It was at the very end of Back Street.

"Boyz, here we are. As soon as we climb up through these pantaloons and out of the other end we'll be in very dangerous territory. There's no telling what we might find," Varalent whispered urgently. "I want you to keep your heads down below the waistband until I can recon from up there and scope out the situation. Don't make any noise that might give us away. Got it?"

"Yes, yes, yes, we've got it!" they harmonized. "We promise we'll keep our heads inside your waistband while you check our things out."

"No that's not what I sai....then again, that might work even better!" Varalent grinned. "We'll try it your way, okay?"

"Okay!"

"Good, now let's go!" With that Varalent grabbed the hem of the leg and went in...

"God, it smells funky in here," Varalent thought to himself as he started making his way towards the faint light at the other end of what appeared to be a long straight tunnel. "I wonder when the last time was that Senor Widebottom had these pantaloons laundered?"

****Interlude****

That comment has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Or at least I don't think it does *grin*


****End interlude****

Finally, the patch of light grew nearer and Varalent could finally make out the top edge of the waistband. Carefully peeking out, ("Ahhhh!!! They're such GOOD boyz!") he quickly scanned the room and realized that it was deserted. After a few minutes to make sure that the boyz were doing a good job of following orders, he signaled for them to follow. Carefully climbing out of the pantaloons, Varalent began searching the room for a doorway.

Before long Varalent came to an exit and carefully placed his ear to the door, listening for sounds from the other side.

"Shhhh!" Varalent whispered. "There seem to be three or four people talking in the other room. Be very quiet! When we throw open this door, we're going to rush in there and grab them all. Hopefully by taking them by surprise, we'll be able to capture them all before they try to fight back!"

Signalling one of the boyz to grab the doorknob, Varalent nodded. As soon as the door flew open, he took off into the other room, followed closely by his companions.

"Grab 'em,quick!" Varalent yelled as he and the boyz attacked the small group of people in the room.

"Hey, it's......."

"Hey, it's the Light Brigade!"

Yes, last seen during the intense face-off with Obvious Traitor Boy and his bitches Odran and Boy Beautiful, the Light Brigade had long since escaped imprisonment in the Super-Jailhouse and had made their way into the oversized pantaloons and to the room which Varalent and the Boyz now entered.

"We were just working out our plan to save the LMBers from the Super-Jailhouse," Captain Lightbulb explains. "Obvious Traitor Boy has captured nearly the entire team. He's holding them somewhere in the Jailhouse, but we don't know where."

"Hmmm... well, if he's captured Umber, the Boyz can use their special connection with her to track her and figure out where everyone's at," Varalent supposes.

"That sounds like a good idea, and I know a little something about good ideas!" Captain Lightbulb exclaims.

Little did they know that Umber wasn't one of the LMBers captured by OTB and his bitches, but nonetheless this is a useful plot device to bring various parties in the story together.

Meanwhile, the One Called the One was busy torturing her latest prisoners, the LMBers she had whisked away from Fornicatia just as the planet was exploding.

Her allies in the Anti-LMB were also there, though they worried about why they had lost contact with Odran at the Super-Jailhouse. Little did they know that the Super-Jailhouse was now under the control of the renegade, radioactive mongoose-empowerd Obvious Traitor Boy.

It was at this moment that Lisp Lass decided to make her big move, to unveil the plan she'd been waiting so long to act upon, to seize the opportunity while it was ripe, to finally embrace the chance to obtain vengeance on those who had tormented her for her strange speech impediment. Quickly, she...

****Intermission****

Hmmm? Wonder what that could be?

****End Intermission****

In the meantime, back inside Alanis Morrissette.

"Did you hear that?" whispered the Man from Gragg

"What" asked Triad Purple

RRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

"That!"

"Oh, that. Yes as a matter of fact I did," Purple said with a decidedly Umber-esque flip of her hair.

"What do you think it is?" Grey Birdboy quizzed

RRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

"Look out!" Shady yelled

"I think we're about to find out!" shouted Omega Man

"Shitttttt!!!!!" screamed Lash Lad

And so it turns out that Lash was right, as usual...

Minutes later, as our heroes pulled themselves out of the odiferous quagmire in which they now found themselves they heard...

"Oh, I'm so glad it worked!"

They all looked up and exclaimed in unison "Bowel Burst Boy! What are you doing here?"

"Well, even though you rejected me at the tryouts and accepted Penis Eradicator Lad & Nads Kicker Lass as your new members, I hoped I could find a way to help and show you that my powers, disgusting as they may be, could actually be useful."

"When you split up into teams, I followed the team that came here to Canada because I had no way to follow the others. It took me a while but I finally got here only to find all of you trapped inside Alanis Morrissette," he continued.

"And you..." Faraway Lad

"Made her bowels burst, naturally!" BBB beamed.

"I was afraid of that" Faraway said

"The resulting burst excr...maybe expelled all of you is a better description at the moment." BBB finished. "Look at it this way Faraway, you're all safe and free with nothing wrong with any of you that a good long bath won't straighten out. And, if you'll forgive me, I would encourage all of you to take care of that RIGHT AWAY!"

"Yeah! You're not kidding 3B! It smells like good old Alanis has been eating lots of eggs recently," said Labradorian.

"Hang on everyone! I think I can help alleviate some of our discomfort right now," said Clothes Fall Off Fred. With a wave of his hand he employed his powers and our heroes were left standing around buck naked but much cleaner than before.

Meanwhile....

I LOST MY POST!!!!!

<INTERJECTION>
Now I'll have to write a summary of what happened since the temporal anomaly struck!
<END INTERJECTION>

You better!!!

<Interjection>

Oh Oh! Here come Reed & Ben, again!


<End interjection>

Okay, so I don't really remember what happened in Bevis and KP's posts that were lost, but the most important things were that the two kidnapped children of Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass were revealed to have been drones created by the Emerald Dildo fairy, while the real twins were safe and sound and had been sent back in time, apparently to become Kid Prime and Captain Lightbulb (though this may be inaccurate, since one of them was a girl). The upshot is, though, that when the story requires it, Kid Prime can be changed into a bull.

Oh, and of course the LMBers on Fornicatia were saved from its destruction by the Emerald Dildo fairy as well. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, Lisp Lass was thinking again about her master plan:

"I will weak wengence on those who towmented me!" she said, to no one in particular. "Once Ewyk Davis Este has wegained his status as a cosmic viwwain, I will absowb his powews and take his place as wuler of the universe!"

Rody the Super-Rat, who was listening intently, was horrified at this plan, and knew he must somehow stop Lisp Lass.

"Wet me weview what is happening with my master plan!"

Lisp Lass quickly checked in on everyone: 1) The LMBers in Canada were naked after having been freed from the bowels of Alanis Morisette; 2) Lardlad, Lucifer Lass, Amber, and Kid Prime were at the Super-Jailhouse; 3) Varalent and the Boyz were themselves about to make it to the Super-Jailhouse via Senor Widebottom's pants; 4) The LMBers who'd just escaped Foricatia's destruction were, unknown to them, also in the Super-Jailhouse.

"So it wemains to twanspowt the wemaining LMBers from Canada to the Super-Jaiwhouse!"

And with a wave of her hand, the remaining LMBers found themselves naked and face to face with Obvious-Traitor Boy and his bitches.

"Didn't you all say that none of you had an ass alarm?" Seeing the nods of agreement Vee said "Oh oh, I think the shits about to hit the fan!"

"No, that happened already, remember?" Bowel Burst Boy remarked.

"Actually, it didn't hit the fan, per se," Grey Birdboy countered. To which Fat Cramer added, "If it had, we would have been an even bigger mess than we already are, I'm afraid."

"Okay, so we've been saved from the a fate worse that death by Bowel Burst Boy..." said Lash Lad

"Not sure that there's much of a frickin difference, if you ask me!" Labradorian grumbled.

Ignoring the comment, Lash Lad continued, "The big question is what do we do now? Somehow we've all been brought back to the Super Jailhouse of Space (excepting, of course, our buddies whom we're trying to save)

"Umm, guys, have any of you noticed that we're standing naked and face to face with Obvious-Traitor Boy and his bitches?" Triad Orange asked.

Suddenly.....

The bowels of Obvious Traitor Boy and his bitches burst wide open on all of the LMBers in the room, climbing all the way up into the air, until they hit the fan that had been regulating the fresh air. Feces and shit flew everywhere and covered the LMBers in a way that hadn't been done since Vaginus erupted on them years ago.

"Well, looks like the shit did hit the fan" said a satisfied Greybird.

"Dude, that's fuckin weak" said Fat Cramer.

"Wait, everyone, look at Bowel Burst Boy!" exclamed Vee, as they saw the newest recruit lying on the ground dying! "I just wanted to make you guys proud... I knew my power wasn't as powerful as some of you, but you showed me how to be the true hero within, how to go out...like an LMBer..."

The LMBers watched silently, as Bowel Burst Boy quickly faded away, having sacrificed his life to destroy Obvious Traitor Boy and his Bitches.

Newly determined to see this mission through, Vee and the rest turned to each other. "That's it, we're all here in the Super Jailhouse of Space, it's time to find some closure to this mission! Let's go!!"

"Not so fast," came a voice, as they all turned to see their old friend Cobalt Kid. "I things are getting rough and your going for the big finish. Though maybe I could pitch in" he says with a smile.

"Sounds good to me Cobalt," says Vee, "now let's finish this"

*interlude*

So, can someone give a quick run down of where everyone is in this story?

*****interlude continues*****

CK, just go back to the previous page, just before my last post, EDE did a summery of where everyone was at this point in the story (that was just after the Great Darkness and the Attack of the Cyber Spyders) after we lost some posts.

***********

*interlude*

Basically, everyone in the story is meeting in the Super-Jailhouse for the big ending!

*end interlude*

*interlude*

Thanks guys! I just reread the whole thing anyway, and find that it's more confusing to actually read the four pages, so anyone else, just reread the last pages summaries! It'll be fun attempting to stay as funny as you guys and Lardy's standard for this story!

*end interlude*

"Sounds good to me Cobalt," says Vee, "now let's finish this"

"Ummm, guys?" said Labradorian. "Before we go charging off to save the day can someone answer one question for me? Exactly who the fuck is left to be rescued! Just take a look around you! I may have missed someone because we've had so many goddamn people horning in on our adventure this time, but WHO THE HELL IS MISSING?????"

This stopped everyone in their tracks and got them all glancing around.

"There's FC and Greybird Boy and the Triads, all three of them, and Faraway and Lash Lad & Shady..." offered Clothes Fall Off Fred.

"We're all here, aren't we?" Captain Lightbulb asked the other members of the Light Brigade.

"So are we," said Vee, indicating he and the Boyz. Turning to Cobalt Kid, Vee whispered "Did Labradorian just call us horny? I mean, I am of course, but how would he know that?"

"No, Vee, he implied that we were horning in on the adventure," CK explained.

"Oh, that's okay then," Vee shrugged.

After a few more minutes the gang & the brigade, & the boyz and <...well you get the picture...> discovered that the only people in need of rescue were....

After a few more minutes the gang & the brigade, & the boyz and <...well you get the picture...> discovered that the only people in need of rescue were... all of THEM!

For just as Lardlad, Lucifer Lass, Kid Prime, and Amber entered the room, Eryk Prime suddenly materialized behind them, grabbed Lucifer Lass from behind and absorbed her into his being!

"That's one more clone I have recovered!" Eryk Prime laughed maniacally. "And there's just one more left..." He looked at Lardlad with an evil grin on his face. "But first... there are others I can draw power from..." and with that he absorbed the Triads (since, in a twist yet to be explained but used earlier, he can absorb Leap Year Lass's temporal duplicates!).

"Let get 'em LMB!" Lash Lad shouted, but soon all of the LMBers were surprised as dream chairs suddenly manifested themselves around them and imprisoned them.

"I am more! For now I can control all of you!" Eryk laughed maniacally once more.

Eryk stood face to face with Lardlad, the only LMBer in the room whom he hadn't imprisoned in a dream chair.

"Soon, you will be absorbed back into me..." Eryk taunted, but first I must set a trap for the remaining LMBers on the lower level, who should be arriving here shortly.

On the lower level, the LMB refugees from Fornicatia (including Lucien Lad, Hummer Lass, Raging Bull, Mekt Ranzz, and Quinn M, Only Child) were...

...still a little grossed out from Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass's "getting it on".

"Yeah", said Hummer Lass, "I've never had penetrating sex and you're a full blown gay man!"

"I promise Pru," replied Lucien, "we'll make him pay!"

"Excuse me y'all" replied Raging Bull, "but I do think we have a major problem. The rest of LMB must be around here, so we may as well search for them"

Up above, Eyrk Prime stared at Lardy smiling, and said "now Lard Lad I absorb you..."

Just then, an LMBer was able to manage themselves free! It was...

Vee! Who had ggrroOWWNN the straps on his dreamchair enough to be able to slide out.

"Like hell you will, Eryk!" Vee shouted. Focusing his powers on Eryk Prime, he shrank him down to the size of an titmouse. "Step on him, Lardy!" Which Lardy immediately did.

<SQUISH!!!!!!!>

"Hah! how about that, we did it, we stopped him!" Vee shouted as he started freeing the others. "Isn't this great Lardy? Lardy?"

Turning around everyone looked at Lard Lad, who hadn't moved since crushing Eryk Prime. His lard seemed to be quivering all over his body, as if he was preparing to use a massive amount of the Lard Force!

"Lardy, what is it? What's wrong?" Fat Cramer asked as Lard Lad started to turn around.

As he did everyone gasp! Lard Lad.....

Lard Lad suddenly exploded, covering the entire room in lard! In his place stood Eryk Davis Ester.

"Now, I am all powerful!" Eryk cackled as he began to grow to giant size, as was the prerogative of maniacal powermad villains once they gain their apotheosis!

Varalent tried using his powers on Eryk Prime, but they were ineffective.

"Soon, the entire universe will be mine!"

Meanwhile, Lisp Lass realized that she better hurry up and make her move...

...and then exploded her skin off of her to reveal that she was none other than one time LMB super-pet Blok the Rock!!! The LMBers were shocked to find that their one time pet rock had now grown immense power and wanted to destroy them! "Now Eyrk Prime! Don't think I'm letting you get to destroy these bastards, when I plan to reach that goal first!" Blok, who now had immense light powers (where he got them is a good question...), turned to Eyrk Prime as the two squared off...

Just then, Lucien, Hummer Lass and the others ran in to see the two going toe to toe! Raging Bull was the first to turn to see Vee...

...freeing the other LMBers now that Eryk was distracted by Blok!

Meanwhile, Lash Lad was busy deducing what was going on! You see, the LMBers had known of Lisp Lass's return for quite some time, but had found it quite mysterious, as Lisp Lass was originally the form they had trapped the One Called the One in after they originally foiled her plans to destroy all nads. They wondered how Lisp Lass and the One could coexist. But now it became clear. Lash remembered how poor Blok had sacrificed himself as the final ingredient in the spell to defeat the One and trap her in the Lisp Lass persona. Apparently, once the One had been restored to normal, part of Blok's essence remained fused with some lingering remnant of Lisp Lass, and had continued as a separate entity. Perhaps this also explained why Rody the Super-Rat had volunteered for the duty of keeping an eye on Lisp Lass, as he realized it was really his fellow super-pet.

In the midst of the cosmic battle that was occurring, Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass looked over at Kid Prime, remembering what the Emerald Didlo fairy had said about the child they had produced...

and turned to look at each other.

"You know" said Lucien "now I think about it Kid Prime does sort of look like you. Obviously not the big boobs or anything, but there's something about him..."

"You're right" replied Hummer Lass "Maybe the Dildo Fairy *was* telling the truth and he is one of our time displaced children. But if that's the case then is it true that Captain Lightbulb is his sister?"

"Oooh, I dunno. Or maybe KP is really a girl, ever thoguht of that?"

Kid Prime and Captian Lightbulb were listening to this conversation (in fact everyone was. Big fights and stuff always come to a pause when something important is being said no matter what was going on before) and carefully looking at each other. And ever other person in the room was looking at KP and then at Lucien and Hummer Lass and back again.

"You know" said Shady "i think there *is* a familial similarity between KP and Lucien and Hunner Lass. But I can't see that Captian Lightbulb looks like them though."

"No, you're right, there isn't" said a voice behind everyone. They all spun around to see the twinkling form of the Emerald Dildo Fairy.

"You see," she continued, "Kid Prime *is* the son of Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass. And he does have a grown up sister, also time displaced just like him. In fact...

It's me. I, the Emerald Dildo Fairy, am the twin sister of Kid Prime, daughter of Hummer Lass and Lucien Lad!"

A collective gasp escaped the lips of everyone in the room. Everyone that is apart from Hummer Lass and Lucien Lad who were looking surprisingly unsurprised by the latest revelation.

"Well," said Hummer Lass ", she's glam, she's kinky, she's time displaced and has really vague powers."

"Plus the whole, you know, dildo thing" went on Lucien Lad "When you think about it it makes a lot of sense. Or at least as much sense as any of our adventures ever do. There's some great big time anomoly thing going on here what with her saving her own infant self and all that gubbins, but what the hey."

Then, in a heartwarming and touching moment (every story needs one) the reunited, if still slightly disfuntional family, of Lucien, Hummer Lass, KP and the Dildo Fairy hugged and everyone smiled happily as sweeping violins played in the background.

Just when everyone thought the biggest shock had already happened they realised they'd all temporarily forgotten about the machinations of Lisp Lass/Blok and EDE and...

as the two godlike entities battled to a standstill, a small furry creature flew into the Super-Jailhouse. It was Rody the Super-Rat!

"*squeak*" Rody squeaked, and his translator translated, "We must help Blok gain victory over Eryk Prime!"

"But isn't he just as dangerous?" Varalent asked.

"*squeak* *squeak*" Rody squeaked and his translator translated, "But I know how to defeat Blok! If we can take down EDE, Blok should be a piece of cake!"

"Okay, but can somebody explain to me exactly what's going on? How did EDE absord Lardlad? I thought we'd figured out that they were really brothers, not clones of one another?" Lash Lad asked.

"Are we certain of that?" asked Leap Year Lass.

"Shady?" asked Fat Cramer.

Shady responded...

..."Uh, now I'm getting confused! No, they're not clones, their twin brothers that were once attached at the ass, and then separated at birth and raised by different parents! Eyrk's genetics must be allowing him to tap into Lardy's Lard Force! But why is Eryk evil? I still can't figure that out? And what happened to Lardy?"

Up above, Eyrk Prime and Blok the Rokk battled a super-powered battle as the LMBers looked on, trying to figure out how to defeat Eyrk Prime so Rody coud defeat Blok the Rock. Kid Prime and the Emerald Dildo Fairy held on their newly learned mother and father Lucien and Hummer Lass. Suddenly, Cobalt Kid turned to Captian Lightbulb, and said:

"Your not related to them, but I know who you really are! Your..."

...panties are on backwards, whigh means that you can only be Murglpf...

A look of total confusion came over Cobie's face as he realized that his tongue was swelling to mammoth size. Within seconds it hung to the floor.

Vee, looking on in shock cried...

"Man, think of how much money I could get for that tongue in old Saigon. Cobie, after all this is over with, what say we discuss a business proposition?"

Cobie, though momentarily intrigued, said "No Vee, no dithe. Leths get back to the mithion at hand"

Suddenly, ...

Captain Lightbulb, who was standing there in shock, wondering how in the hell Cobie knew her panties were on mackwards or backwards or whatever, (it's hard to think straight while going thru an entire adventure while receiving a super weggie at the same time) realized that some other parts of her costume were also inappropriately placed and cried out...

*interlude*

Just wanted to point out that Captain Lightbulb is actually a guy. And his costume consists of a pair of speedos and a giant lightbulb on his head. Now let's see if we can make sense of the last three posts with that in mind...

*end interlude*

*second interlude*

OOPS!!!!!

Hey, when did these things start having to make sense???????

*end second interlude*

..."Okay, Jake," said 'Captain Lightbulb', "this sexual roleplaying's getting a little out of hand---I'm going home!"

"But, TAMmy," pleaded 'Cobalt Kid', "it was just getting GOOD!"

"Got an idea, Jake...go fuck yourSELF!"

Jake's eyes brightened as he thought about the possibilities...

Meanwhile, after that unnecessarily distracting sidebar, back at the Super Jailhouse and the REAL story, our heroes contemplated how to intervene in the war between Blok and EDE.

"Maybe we should just let one of them take the other out and then fight the worn-out victor," Vee suggested.

"No," the Emerald Dildo Fairy said, "I must use my magic wand to summon a champion. You see,my wand is not truly an Emerald Dildo...it's the Emerald Schlong of Ekron!!"

As she waved the Schlong, it flew out of her hand and landed upon the scattered remnants of what was once Lardlad. It then hovered over two feet in the air. It glowed bright green until gradually the scattered remnants of Lardlad formed around its erect form.

"Lardy!" Cobalt shouted, "but how?".

The Emerald Dildo Fairy explained, "Surely you remember, Cobalt Kid, that Lardlad briefly wielded the Emerald Schlong in a desperate battle with the Emerald Ass?"

"Oh yeah, you're right!" Cobalt recalled. "Space Tart was possessed by the Emerald Ass, and Lardy had to use the Emerald Schlong to sodomize it in order to break its spell! Then the two items disappeared! Man, that was some HOT anal action!"

"Yes," the Dildo Fairy explained, "so the Schlong has a special affinity with its former wielder and was able to recreate him. (as a side note, being possessed by the Emerald Ass ended up giving Space Tart her legendary ability to pull improbably-sized, fortuitous items out of people's asses!)"

"So what'll Lardy do now?" Lash inquired.

Cobalt smirked, "isn't it obvious?" Cobalt smirked wryly.

Lardy smirked right back at him and begin to rise into the air through the power of his mighty Schlong towards the battling villains. As he rose, Lardy winked and said, "I think it's about time our two baddies got an Emerald SHOWER!"

Then, he reached down, aimed his weapon and.......

*interlude*

The preceding section was actually written by LARDLAD, who was having trouble posting it earlier.

Yeah, really.

*end interlude*

*interlude*

alright, now I am utterly confused . Can someone quickly let me know who Captain Lightbulb is, if he/she is an alt Id, and if he/she is an LMBer! Man I love this stuff


And EDE, what's this about Lardy wanting to post! Are you him? What's happening to me, am I going insane?! Lardy was my friend!

*end interlude*

Meanwhile:

Non-Sequitor sorted shellfish by threadcount

*interlude*

CK, Captain Lightbulb is a he. He's the leader of the Light Brigade, a group of superheroes allied with the LMBP (think Heroes of Lallor or the Wanderers. Can't recall who the others are at the moment but I beleive he's the only one currently in play in this story.

*end interlude*

Then, he reached down, aimed his weapon and...began spraying Eryk Prime & Lisp Lass/Blok the Rock with his emerald green brew. As the stream hit LL/BTR, he/she began running around in circles screaming

"Thtop it, thtop it! I'm getting all thoaked with your pith!"

Eryk Prime however had stopped dead in his tracks. Frozen in place, he (and everyone else) watched as Lardy's "pith" streamed down his body. Everywhere it touched turned bright red! Within moments, Eryk looked like a bright red tomato with a nelly cap on it's head!

At this moment, Lardy called out, "One more target!" and directed his stream to spray Kid Prime where he stood gawking. As soon as the liquid touched him, there was a bright flash and Kid Prime seemed to shimmer out of reality. When the light faded, Kid Prime was no longer there. In his place was Raging Bull Kid, his alternate self!

Raging Bull Kid bellowed at the top of his lungs in annoyance and suddenly spotted the bright red Eryk Prime. Lowering his head and pointing his bullhorns towards Eryk, Raging Bull Kid charged...


Edited per the demands of the Varalent Editorial Board ~ see below.

...and sent Eryk Prime reeling! When Eyrk Prime stood up, for the first time in awhile, his eyes began to resemble his normal hue...

"Where am I? What happened? Why am I soaked with piss?"

Just then, Blok the Rock/Lisp Lass began shrieking, as the Piss began to make her melt to the ground...

"Now!" said Rody the Super Rat yelled, as he made his move to stop Blok by...

*interlude*

For info on The Light Brigade, see Who\'s Who in the Light Brigade

*end interlude*

*interlude*

Kid Prime is Raging Bull?!??!!! But Raging Bull was already with Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass and whoever else was on Fornicata when it exploded. So are there now *two* Raging Bulls? And if so am I still allowed to flirt with the non-Kid Prime one despite the fact that the Kid Prime Raging Bull is my son? Gosh, it's all so confusin. Heh.

*end interlude*

*****interlude*****
According to LW Deputy Leader, Milliner & Story Archivist EDE: "
Okay, so I don't really remember what happened in Bevis and KP's posts that were lost, but the most important things were that the two kidnapped children of Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass were revealed to have been drones created by the Emerald Dildo fairy, while the real twins were safe and sound and had been sent back in time, apparently to become Kid Prime and Captain Lightbulb (though this may be inaccurate, since one of them was a girl). The upshot is, though, that when the story requires it, Kid Prime can be changed into a bull.

So, it appears that while he may not be THE Raging Bull he can be A Raging Bull. Maybe it would be best to call him Raging Bull Kid? or Raging Bull II? I think I prefer Raging Bull Kid because it implies that the explanation given about his parents may be questionable. Perhaps Hummer Lass & THE Raging Bull had a tryst before HL & Lucien Lad got together! *gasp*

Where's the LMB Enquirer when you need it?

*****end interlude*****

*****interlude*****

This meeting of the Varalent editorial board is now called to order!

"I move that the Kid Prime alternate reality Raging Bull be retconned & renamed into Raging Bull Kid!"

"Seconded!" "Yeah!" "Thirded!"

We have a proposal properly moved and seconded. Do I have a motion to call the question?

"So moved!" "Call the question!"

The question is called. All those in favor?

"Aye!" "Yes!" "Shit yeah!" "Suits me!" "Okay, fine, let's just get on with it already!"

Opposed?

Seeing none the motion is carried! And Varalent is hereby instructed to carry out the wishes of this board. We are hereby adjourned! <bangs gavel!>

*****end interlude******

*interlude*

OK, that sounds like it works. Sure it's confusing as hell, but the whole fact that Kid Prime is now Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass' son (and possible even Raging Bull's son) but has been time displaced/aged whatever by *his own sister* isn't exactly simple either. Sheesh, people complain that Hawkman has a screwed up continuity. It's nothing compared to the LMBP.

*end interlude*

...so how did Rody defeat Blok guys? I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment of the story! What happened to Eyrk?!