Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Super-Jailhouse of Space!!!

"Sounds good to me Cobalt," says Vee, "now let's finish this"

"Ummm, guys?" said Labradorian. "Before we go charging off to save the day can someone answer one question for me? Exactly who the fuck is left to be rescued! Just take a look around you! I may have missed someone because we've had so many goddamn people horning in on our adventure this time, but WHO THE HELL IS MISSING?????"

This stopped everyone in their tracks and got them all glancing around.

"There's FC and Greybird Boy and the Triads, all three of them, and Faraway and Lash Lad & Shady..." offered Clothes Fall Off Fred.

"We're all here, aren't we?" Captain Lightbulb asked the other members of the Light Brigade.

"So are we," said Vee, indicating he and the Boyz. Turning to Cobalt Kid, Vee whispered "Did Labradorian just call us horny? I mean, I am of course, but how would he know that?"

"No, Vee, he implied that we were horning in on the adventure," CK explained.

"Oh, that's okay then," Vee shrugged.

After a few more minutes the gang & the brigade, & the boyz and <...well you get the picture...> discovered that the only people in need of rescue were....

After a few more minutes the gang & the brigade, & the boyz and <...well you get the picture...> discovered that the only people in need of rescue were... all of THEM!

For just as Lardlad, Lucifer Lass, Kid Prime, and Amber entered the room, Eryk Prime suddenly materialized behind them, grabbed Lucifer Lass from behind and absorbed her into his being!

"That's one more clone I have recovered!" Eryk Prime laughed maniacally. "And there's just one more left..." He looked at Lardlad with an evil grin on his face. "But first... there are others I can draw power from..." and with that he absorbed the Triads (since, in a twist yet to be explained but used earlier, he can absorb Leap Year Lass's temporal duplicates!).

"Let get 'em LMB!" Lash Lad shouted, but soon all of the LMBers were surprised as dream chairs suddenly manifested themselves around them and imprisoned them.

"I am more! For now I can control all of you!" Eryk laughed maniacally once more.

Eryk stood face to face with Lardlad, the only LMBer in the room whom he hadn't imprisoned in a dream chair.

"Soon, you will be absorbed back into me..." Eryk taunted, but first I must set a trap for the remaining LMBers on the lower level, who should be arriving here shortly.

On the lower level, the LMB refugees from Fornicatia (including Lucien Lad, Hummer Lass, Raging Bull, Mekt Ranzz, and Quinn M, Only Child) were...

...still a little grossed out from Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass's "getting it on".

"Yeah", said Hummer Lass, "I've never had penetrating sex and you're a full blown gay man!"

"I promise Pru," replied Lucien, "we'll make him pay!"

"Excuse me y'all" replied Raging Bull, "but I do think we have a major problem. The rest of LMB must be around here, so we may as well search for them"

Up above, Eyrk Prime stared at Lardy smiling, and said "now Lard Lad I absorb you..."

Just then, an LMBer was able to manage themselves free! It was...

Vee! Who had ggrroOWWNN the straps on his dreamchair enough to be able to slide out.

"Like hell you will, Eryk!" Vee shouted. Focusing his powers on Eryk Prime, he shrank him down to the size of an titmouse. "Step on him, Lardy!" Which Lardy immediately did.

<SQUISH!!!!!!!>

"Hah! how about that, we did it, we stopped him!" Vee shouted as he started freeing the others. "Isn't this great Lardy? Lardy?"

Turning around everyone looked at Lard Lad, who hadn't moved since crushing Eryk Prime. His lard seemed to be quivering all over his body, as if he was preparing to use a massive amount of the Lard Force!

"Lardy, what is it? What's wrong?" Fat Cramer asked as Lard Lad started to turn around.

As he did everyone gasp! Lard Lad.....

Lard Lad suddenly exploded, covering the entire room in lard! In his place stood Eryk Davis Ester.

"Now, I am all powerful!" Eryk cackled as he began to grow to giant size, as was the prerogative of maniacal powermad villains once they gain their apotheosis!

Varalent tried using his powers on Eryk Prime, but they were ineffective.

"Soon, the entire universe will be mine!"

Meanwhile, Lisp Lass realized that she better hurry up and make her move...

...and then exploded her skin off of her to reveal that she was none other than one time LMB super-pet Blok the Rock!!! The LMBers were shocked to find that their one time pet rock had now grown immense power and wanted to destroy them! "Now Eyrk Prime! Don't think I'm letting you get to destroy these bastards, when I plan to reach that goal first!" Blok, who now had immense light powers (where he got them is a good question...), turned to Eyrk Prime as the two squared off...

Just then, Lucien, Hummer Lass and the others ran in to see the two going toe to toe! Raging Bull was the first to turn to see Vee...

...freeing the other LMBers now that Eryk was distracted by Blok!

Meanwhile, Lash Lad was busy deducing what was going on! You see, the LMBers had known of Lisp Lass's return for quite some time, but had found it quite mysterious, as Lisp Lass was originally the form they had trapped the One Called the One in after they originally foiled her plans to destroy all nads. They wondered how Lisp Lass and the One could coexist. But now it became clear. Lash remembered how poor Blok had sacrificed himself as the final ingredient in the spell to defeat the One and trap her in the Lisp Lass persona. Apparently, once the One had been restored to normal, part of Blok's essence remained fused with some lingering remnant of Lisp Lass, and had continued as a separate entity. Perhaps this also explained why Rody the Super-Rat had volunteered for the duty of keeping an eye on Lisp Lass, as he realized it was really his fellow super-pet.

In the midst of the cosmic battle that was occurring, Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass looked over at Kid Prime, remembering what the Emerald Didlo fairy had said about the child they had produced...

and turned to look at each other.

"You know" said Lucien "now I think about it Kid Prime does sort of look like you. Obviously not the big boobs or anything, but there's something about him..."

"You're right" replied Hummer Lass "Maybe the Dildo Fairy *was* telling the truth and he is one of our time displaced children. But if that's the case then is it true that Captain Lightbulb is his sister?"

"Oooh, I dunno. Or maybe KP is really a girl, ever thoguht of that?"

Kid Prime and Captian Lightbulb were listening to this conversation (in fact everyone was. Big fights and stuff always come to a pause when something important is being said no matter what was going on before) and carefully looking at each other. And ever other person in the room was looking at KP and then at Lucien and Hummer Lass and back again.

"You know" said Shady "i think there *is* a familial similarity between KP and Lucien and Hunner Lass. But I can't see that Captian Lightbulb looks like them though."

"No, you're right, there isn't" said a voice behind everyone. They all spun around to see the twinkling form of the Emerald Dildo Fairy.

"You see," she continued, "Kid Prime *is* the son of Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass. And he does have a grown up sister, also time displaced just like him. In fact...

It's me. I, the Emerald Dildo Fairy, am the twin sister of Kid Prime, daughter of Hummer Lass and Lucien Lad!"

A collective gasp escaped the lips of everyone in the room. Everyone that is apart from Hummer Lass and Lucien Lad who were looking surprisingly unsurprised by the latest revelation.

"Well," said Hummer Lass ", she's glam, she's kinky, she's time displaced and has really vague powers."

"Plus the whole, you know, dildo thing" went on Lucien Lad "When you think about it it makes a lot of sense. Or at least as much sense as any of our adventures ever do. There's some great big time anomoly thing going on here what with her saving her own infant self and all that gubbins, but what the hey."

Then, in a heartwarming and touching moment (every story needs one) the reunited, if still slightly disfuntional family, of Lucien, Hummer Lass, KP and the Dildo Fairy hugged and everyone smiled happily as sweeping violins played in the background.

Just when everyone thought the biggest shock had already happened they realised they'd all temporarily forgotten about the machinations of Lisp Lass/Blok and EDE and...

as the two godlike entities battled to a standstill, a small furry creature flew into the Super-Jailhouse. It was Rody the Super-Rat!

"*squeak*" Rody squeaked, and his translator translated, "We must help Blok gain victory over Eryk Prime!"

"But isn't he just as dangerous?" Varalent asked.

"*squeak* *squeak*" Rody squeaked and his translator translated, "But I know how to defeat Blok! If we can take down EDE, Blok should be a piece of cake!"

"Okay, but can somebody explain to me exactly what's going on? How did EDE absord Lardlad? I thought we'd figured out that they were really brothers, not clones of one another?" Lash Lad asked.

"Are we certain of that?" asked Leap Year Lass.

"Shady?" asked Fat Cramer.

Shady responded...

..."Uh, now I'm getting confused! No, they're not clones, their twin brothers that were once attached at the ass, and then separated at birth and raised by different parents! Eyrk's genetics must be allowing him to tap into Lardy's Lard Force! But why is Eryk evil? I still can't figure that out? And what happened to Lardy?"

Up above, Eyrk Prime and Blok the Rokk battled a super-powered battle as the LMBers looked on, trying to figure out how to defeat Eyrk Prime so Rody coud defeat Blok the Rock. Kid Prime and the Emerald Dildo Fairy held on their newly learned mother and father Lucien and Hummer Lass. Suddenly, Cobalt Kid turned to Captian Lightbulb, and said:

"Your not related to them, but I know who you really are! Your..."

...panties are on backwards, whigh means that you can only be Murglpf...

A look of total confusion came over Cobie's face as he realized that his tongue was swelling to mammoth size. Within seconds it hung to the floor.

Vee, looking on in shock cried...

"Man, think of how much money I could get for that tongue in old Saigon. Cobie, after all this is over with, what say we discuss a business proposition?"

Cobie, though momentarily intrigued, said "No Vee, no dithe. Leths get back to the mithion at hand"

Suddenly, ...

Captain Lightbulb, who was standing there in shock, wondering how in the hell Cobie knew her panties were on mackwards or backwards or whatever, (it's hard to think straight while going thru an entire adventure while receiving a super weggie at the same time) realized that some other parts of her costume were also inappropriately placed and cried out...

*interlude*

Just wanted to point out that Captain Lightbulb is actually a guy. And his costume consists of a pair of speedos and a giant lightbulb on his head. Now let's see if we can make sense of the last three posts with that in mind...

*end interlude*

*second interlude*

OOPS!!!!!

Hey, when did these things start having to make sense???????

*end second interlude*

..."Okay, Jake," said 'Captain Lightbulb', "this sexual roleplaying's getting a little out of hand---I'm going home!"

"But, TAMmy," pleaded 'Cobalt Kid', "it was just getting GOOD!"

"Got an idea, Jake...go fuck yourSELF!"

Jake's eyes brightened as he thought about the possibilities...

Meanwhile, after that unnecessarily distracting sidebar, back at the Super Jailhouse and the REAL story, our heroes contemplated how to intervene in the war between Blok and EDE.

"Maybe we should just let one of them take the other out and then fight the worn-out victor," Vee suggested.

"No," the Emerald Dildo Fairy said, "I must use my magic wand to summon a champion. You see,my wand is not truly an Emerald Dildo...it's the Emerald Schlong of Ekron!!"

As she waved the Schlong, it flew out of her hand and landed upon the scattered remnants of what was once Lardlad. It then hovered over two feet in the air. It glowed bright green until gradually the scattered remnants of Lardlad formed around its erect form.

"Lardy!" Cobalt shouted, "but how?".

The Emerald Dildo Fairy explained, "Surely you remember, Cobalt Kid, that Lardlad briefly wielded the Emerald Schlong in a desperate battle with the Emerald Ass?"

"Oh yeah, you're right!" Cobalt recalled. "Space Tart was possessed by the Emerald Ass, and Lardy had to use the Emerald Schlong to sodomize it in order to break its spell! Then the two items disappeared! Man, that was some HOT anal action!"

"Yes," the Dildo Fairy explained, "so the Schlong has a special affinity with its former wielder and was able to recreate him. (as a side note, being possessed by the Emerald Ass ended up giving Space Tart her legendary ability to pull improbably-sized, fortuitous items out of people's asses!)"

"So what'll Lardy do now?" Lash inquired.

Cobalt smirked, "isn't it obvious?" Cobalt smirked wryly.

Lardy smirked right back at him and begin to rise into the air through the power of his mighty Schlong towards the battling villains. As he rose, Lardy winked and said, "I think it's about time our two baddies got an Emerald SHOWER!"

Then, he reached down, aimed his weapon and.......

*interlude*

The preceding section was actually written by LARDLAD, who was having trouble posting it earlier.

Yeah, really.

*end interlude*

*interlude*

alright, now I am utterly confused . Can someone quickly let me know who Captain Lightbulb is, if he/she is an alt Id, and if he/she is an LMBer! Man I love this stuff


And EDE, what's this about Lardy wanting to post! Are you him? What's happening to me, am I going insane?! Lardy was my friend!

*end interlude*

Meanwhile:

Non-Sequitor sorted shellfish by threadcount

*interlude*

CK, Captain Lightbulb is a he. He's the leader of the Light Brigade, a group of superheroes allied with the LMBP (think Heroes of Lallor or the Wanderers. Can't recall who the others are at the moment but I beleive he's the only one currently in play in this story.

*end interlude*

Then, he reached down, aimed his weapon and...began spraying Eryk Prime & Lisp Lass/Blok the Rock with his emerald green brew. As the stream hit LL/BTR, he/she began running around in circles screaming

"Thtop it, thtop it! I'm getting all thoaked with your pith!"

Eryk Prime however had stopped dead in his tracks. Frozen in place, he (and everyone else) watched as Lardy's "pith" streamed down his body. Everywhere it touched turned bright red! Within moments, Eryk looked like a bright red tomato with a nelly cap on it's head!

At this moment, Lardy called out, "One more target!" and directed his stream to spray Kid Prime where he stood gawking. As soon as the liquid touched him, there was a bright flash and Kid Prime seemed to shimmer out of reality. When the light faded, Kid Prime was no longer there. In his place was Raging Bull Kid, his alternate self!

Raging Bull Kid bellowed at the top of his lungs in annoyance and suddenly spotted the bright red Eryk Prime. Lowering his head and pointing his bullhorns towards Eryk, Raging Bull Kid charged...


Edited per the demands of the Varalent Editorial Board ~ see below.

...and sent Eryk Prime reeling! When Eyrk Prime stood up, for the first time in awhile, his eyes began to resemble his normal hue...

"Where am I? What happened? Why am I soaked with piss?"

Just then, Blok the Rock/Lisp Lass began shrieking, as the Piss began to make her melt to the ground...

"Now!" said Rody the Super Rat yelled, as he made his move to stop Blok by...

*interlude*

For info on The Light Brigade, see Who\'s Who in the Light Brigade

*end interlude*

*interlude*

Kid Prime is Raging Bull?!??!!! But Raging Bull was already with Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass and whoever else was on Fornicata when it exploded. So are there now *two* Raging Bulls? And if so am I still allowed to flirt with the non-Kid Prime one despite the fact that the Kid Prime Raging Bull is my son? Gosh, it's all so confusin. Heh.

*end interlude*

*****interlude*****
According to LW Deputy Leader, Milliner & Story Archivist EDE: "
Okay, so I don't really remember what happened in Bevis and KP's posts that were lost, but the most important things were that the two kidnapped children of Lucien Lad and Hummer Lass were revealed to have been drones created by the Emerald Dildo fairy, while the real twins were safe and sound and had been sent back in time, apparently to become Kid Prime and Captain Lightbulb (though this may be inaccurate, since one of them was a girl). The upshot is, though, that when the story requires it, Kid Prime can be changed into a bull.

So, it appears that while he may not be THE Raging Bull he can be A Raging Bull. Maybe it would be best to call him Raging Bull Kid? or Raging Bull II? I think I prefer Raging Bull Kid because it implies that the explanation given about his parents may be questionable. Perhaps Hummer Lass & THE Raging Bull had a tryst before HL & Lucien Lad got together! *gasp*

Where's the LMB Enquirer when you need it?

*****end interlude*****