Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Ongoing LMBP Tag Team Thread (rated PG13)

Here it is! The Ongoing LMBP tag-team thread. No rules, and no endings. As many subplots as you want. Let's get started.

[Edit of subject, 28 October: The sexual hijinks get quite heavy later in this thread. Inlookers should have a minimal advance warning. -- Greybird]

Once upon a time in a galaxy (M81) far far away, on a planet called Legion World, There lived a Beautiful Princess...

Legion World wasn't exactly silent, but things had quieted down in recent weeks since the fight with Thora. Semi and Vee had just gotten back to SHAKES, while Outdoor Miner was incredibly drunk stumbly out. Then it happened:

The Body of Nads-Kicker Lad fell out of the sky, and landed square in the middle of the road. It had no arms, no legs, and it's head had a triangle carved on the forehead. He wad dead as a doornail, and it was done violently.

Chaos ensued, as whatever LMBers that were around. "Another of our membership dead!" yelled Lash, to which EDE replied "at least it's not Gary Coleman. Nads-Kicker was part-time at best. Not many of us liked him. Still, too bad."

"But who did this?" asked Iron Rat. "I'll tell you who" yelled Lard Lad, "I think it was..."

*Ha, two posts and already we replied at the same time! I love it! Let's just role with and whatever comes out, comes out!*

"But who did this?" asked Iron Rat. "I'll tell you who" yelled Lard Lad, "I think it was Estelle Rolle!"

The crowd murmured loudly at the mere mention of that name. A mother quieted her crying baby.


In the most fashion house in all of Legion World, the Beautiful Princess was going through her wardrobe, sorting out the hopelessly out of date from those items that could still be used by her poorer subjects. The melodious tune of the doorbell interrupted this chore. Striding down the grand staircase, the Beautiful Princess opened the door. Standing there, sopping wet was....

...Eyrk Davis Ester. "Don't ask" he said to Princess Crujectra. "Princess we have a problem." "Is it Nads-Kicker Lad, dear? Ultra Matt is here, he already, ahem, told me about it." "No, I was going to say the toilets are back, but what's this about Nads Kicker?"

"Seems he's dead. Fell out of the sky with no arms, no legs and a triangle on his head. Lardy thinks its Estelle Rolle!" EDE cringed at the name. "It gets worse" said Crujectra, an alien armada is approaching Legion World. "They say that they are known as the..."

"The Morality League of Qward. They demand that we turn over Space Tart and Captain Lightbulb for unspecified crimes against nature. And in Captain Lightbulb's case there was also a mention of cruelty to Gerbils."

"I don't mind telling you EDE this is quite unsettling. I thought that Space Tart was dead. and while I would be very happy to learn that I was mistaken, and if she is alive maybe Cobie, dear boy that he is, will finally quit calling the palace at 2 am every time he has a few, I wonder where she has been?"

"And Captain Lightbulb was last seen (or is that Scene) leaving in a huff (a small Naltorian car) because none of the LMBP could figure out what sex he/she/it was."

"So How can I turn them over?"

"Be a dear, EDE, and go find them for me, Please."

Suddenly EDE found himself outside the front door of the Palace, and dry. "How does she do that" he wondered as the closing door added impetus to his exit.

Meanwhile, at Cobalt's security office...

a rather sad looking Emerald Empress tried to convey the truely heartbreaking experience she had gone through earlier that day.

But we don't need to hear about that yet! Instead we're going to cut to the Space Ranger, that paragon of all that is great and good about the Daxam race.

At present he levitating 30 feet above the polar ice caps of Legion World having a competition with Danny Blaine to see who can write out their names (in joined up writing ) in urine (their own) in one go. Poor Space Ranger is having trouble joining up his letters.

It's a lot funnier a mental picture than the awful events that have ruined poor Emerald Empresses day, but unfortunately it won't affect this story at all so we'll leave Danny and the Ranger there for a while and return to the Empress in Cobalt Kid's office just in time to hear her say .....

*story interlude*

Just a pause whilst I LMAO.

*end interlude*

Truth and Justice shall Prevail!
(and Harbinger shall pay!)

...I'm having a bad hair day! This of course, wasn't the only reason that she was upset, but it certainly was in the top five. Some guy trying to burn her as a witch, killing another regent, her life on the line in a trial, and that Mexican food she ate hitting her hard were all big reasons too! However, what she was truly upset about was the fact that she was in Cobalt Kid's office, and all that she saw was Nad's Kickers' head being examined by Cobalt, Vee and Shark Lad. It was pretty nasty.

"I'm sorry EDE, but Space Tart really is dead. I continue to search day and night, and hope beyond hope, but one day I will find her. Until then, we'll just have to let her rest. However, now that the alien armada has heard that Spacey is dead, I hear they've demanded Hummer Lass instead! My God, have they no shame?!"

Meanwhile, somewhere else, we cut to Hummer Lass giving Lard Lad a hummer...


Back to Cobalt's office: EE decides to leave in a huff and heads back to Harem, where one of her new sex toys is waiting to be tried out. His name is John A. Misnomer, and he appears to possibly be more than he seems...

And meanwhile, while the Empress searched dilligently for someone to relate her truely heartbreaking tale to, accross the big pond, in the Scot's version of SHAKES, (Newly franchised by the LMBPer known only as "S") Harbinger and her sometimes best mate (in the King's English version of the word, ya bunch of filthy minded Yanks!) were having a slight disagreement.

But, since no english speaking sentient can understand a single word spoken by a truely angry scotsman, we'll skip that segment.

Suffice it to say that at the end of the argument, one of them wound up spending a fantastic weekend with KOKO and Jinx in an Isolated Swiss Chateau.

I suppose we will never know just what that argument was about, readers, they won't tell. They're too busy arguing (In obscure Scots Dialects of course) about who was where that weekend.

Has the Empress found anyone to talk to yet?

Truth and justice shall Prevail!
(sorry 'bout that, Sonnie)

...and luckily, EE was able to find someone to talk with! Unfortunately, it was none other than the girl from the Exorcist, and she wasn't really in the best mood either.

EE continued her way to her harem, and inside she found the previously mentioned John A. Misnomer (hm, something mysterious with him), Semi and Lash Lad. While she shed her clothes to get some relaxation, she noticed that John A. Misnomer, when in the shadows, looked like he had big bug eyes, reptilian skin, a disgusting tail, and may have even appeared in issues of the X-Men during the 160's. "Nah, I'm just tired" she thought, "and a little freaked out by that Exorcist girl..."

Meanwhile back at the Security Office.

Several LMBPers were examining the limbless corpse of Nads Kicker Lad, when an eerie thing started to happen.

“Oh crap,” said Cobalt Kid, as he stared at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.

“oh Crap,” said Super Lad kid, as he stared at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.

“oh crap,” said the other LMBPer, as he or she stared at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.

“What the hell is that?” asked Cobalt Kid still staring at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.

“What the hell is that?” asked Super Lad Kid still staring at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.

“What the hell is that?” asked the other LMBPer still staring at the eerie thing which was starting to happen.

All three LMBPers then turned to each other and said simultaneously “Huh?”

And, across the big pond In Scotland, Harbinger and Sonnie continued to argue, which of course led to many pages of untranslatable Scots cuss words (in an obscure Scots dialect of course) being entered into the congressional record by accident.

That however is not the focus of our story. The focus of our story is the investigation into the horrible and bizarre death of someone whose name I have temporarily forgotten, under unknown circumstances, which I have also temporarily forgotten, or maybe never knew, I forget which.

Anyway, now we attempt to return to the real story.

But first, we stop and peek into the Emerald Empress’s Harem Tent where we find three unconscious men and several others huddled in terror under the amazingly large bed which is so large that it is larger than the tent, but thanks to the power of the Empress’s Emerald Eye somehow fits inside the tent quite nicely, but is still large enough for the entire gay male population of Legion World to hide under while they attempt to find a way out of their newest dilemma.

Let’s listen in to a few snippets of their conversation, shall we?


“Oh crap,” said Lash Lad, as he stared at the eerie thing which had just happened.

“oh Crap,” said Icefire, as he stared at the eerie thing which had just happened.

“oh crap,” said Italian Boy as he stared at the eerie thing which had just happened.

“What the hell was that?” asked Lash Lad still staring at the eerie thing which had just happened.

“What the hell was that?” asked Icefire still staring at the eerie thing which had just happened.

“What the hell was that?” asked Italian Boy still staring at the eerie thing which had just happened.

All three gay male LMBPers then turned to each other (pointedly ignoring the multitude of other gay male LMBPers who also huddled under the bed, but had forgotten to bring along their scripts and thus did not know their repetitive but highly dramatic lines and so had been reduced to non-speaking roles in this dramatic if highly repetitive segment of the story) and said simultaneously.

“Huh?”

“What was that?” asked Icefire, who in disgust at the highly repetitive nature of the prepared dialogue, decided to improvise and ad lib freely. Kind of like flirting, he thought, in a non flirty way.

“Straight Sex,” said Lash Lad in a disgusted voice.

“Straight Sex,” said Italian Boy in a disgusted voice.

“Straight Sex,” said all of the other gay male LMBPers in a disgusted voice. (They had suddenly caught on to the highly repetitive nature of the dialogue being used in this story segment, and decided that they were not going to hold still for non speaking roles, or straight sex either, but their names had already been erased from the credits, so the recording of each individual comment was no longer allowed under SAG rules, which of course don’t really apply here but I used them anyway to avoid a bunch of typing) [Do you realize how many gay male LMBPers there are, I’d be typing for weeks]

“But Lash,” blurted Icefire, shamelessly ad libbing once again, in a slightly whiney voice for dramatic effect, “you promised us that The Space Ranger and Cobalt Kid would take care of all of that {Shudder, shudder} straight sex with the Empress stuff, and we’d be free to play among ourselves in that great big bed.”

“Ah, Shuddup Icey. How was I supposed to know that the Ranger would by out pissin’ around and Cobie would be all wrapped up in a murder mystery, just when the Empress decided she needed a good seven or eight hours of rodeo style bareback riding?” Lash retorted, matching Icefire’s ad lib and raising him two more.

“Rodeo style bareback riding? But, I thought you said that was straight sex?” ad libbed Icefire in a confused voice, (more dramatic effects there) determined to get a laugh somewhere in this crappy script.

Unfortunately, none of the other gay male LMBPers huddled under the Empress’s bed could think of a snappy ad lib to answer Icefire with, so they substituted a big pile on, which was amusing, but boring. We won’t watch.

On top of the bed, the Empress’s bad day continued. In frustration she teleported the new character, [another name I’ve already forgotten] who was only inserted into the script in an effort to placate the Empress on a really, like totally and for sure really, horrible day, to the north pole. Where he plopped directly into the Ranger’s third attempt to write his name in joined up writing. This caused the Ranger to drink another case of silverale in an attempt to generate more ink, and prevented him from returning to the harem tent in time to prevent something terrible from happening. Except that he was already way too drunk to begin [or end] with.

OK, where were we going from here? Oh, I remember.

And, across the big pond In Scotland, Harbinger and Sonnie continued to argue, which of course led to many pages of untranslatable Scots cuss words (in an obscure Scots dialect of course) being turned into a brand new movie script by Quentin Tarrantino.

Meanwhile back at the Security Office.

Several LMBPers were examining the limbless corpse of Nads Kicker Lad, when an eerie thing started to happen…

Cobalt Kid, Super Lad kid, and an unidentified LMBer watch in horror as a figure started to grow out of the triangle on Nads Kicker Lad's lifeless head.

Super Lad Kid "Should we kill it now?"

Cobalt Lad replied "Why do you want to kiss it?" having totally mis heard what Super Lad Kid said.

Meanwhile: Emerald Empress got out of her bed to answer the phone. "Meet me at the Parlol." whispered a soft whisper. "The Parlol???" responded the Empress. "You know know it as Shakes" click

Hmmmmm. mused the unsatisfied Empress. "Well it beats having a bunch of gay guys hiding under my bed.

The Empress was about to depart when.....

The Empress was about to depart when...

...she decided to down a bottle of vodka to get a nice buzz going. She then stumbled over to SHAKES as a big orgy was erupting in her harem.

Meanwhile, John A. Misnomer appeared in front of Space Ranger and Danny Blaine only to be soaked by their piss. This indignity proved to much for him, and Misnomer revealed himself to be one of the Brood! These scary X-Men alien villians were indeed the ones behind the alian armada coming, and Misnomer/Brood alien decided to blow the cover, as he attacked SP and Danny. SP and Danny, who were incredbily drunk, just assumed it was the acid that Non-Sequitor had slipped into their drinks. The Brood monster proceeded to lay eggs in both LMBers, until Space Ranger sneezed violently and killed the alien.

Danny Blaine suddenly dissapeared into the Marvel Universe to wreak terror as a Brood alien, as Mantis showed up back on Legion World. "This one senses grave evil in you Space Ranger." "Thatsh funny, I was jush about to shotgun a bud-light." "This one is worried about you. Come, let me take you back to Legion World" "Mantis, in the state I'm in, cumming may be out of the question..." With that, the Brood infested Space Ranger and Mantis prepared to return...


Meanwhile, Cobalt Kid, Super Lad Kid and Lash Lad (the other un-named LMBer who just made his way over) examined Nad's Kicker Lad's severed head, as a small being began emerging from the triangle there. "What the-?!!" yelled Cobalt, his patented saying, as the LMBers ducked down, as Madrox the Multiple Durlan leaped out of Nad's Kicker Lad's severed head and began attacking them. "LMBers, get ready, cuz the Multiple Durlan is back, and I'm taking you down!" cried out the 1970's villian! Cobalt pushed Super Lad Kid out of the way, as Lash whipped the Multiple Durlan around the neck! Magnetically, Cobalt pushed the four of them through the wall, into the street below them...

Meanwhile, EDE found Hummer Lass giving Lard Lad a hummer, and was waiting for them. "Next, I'll have to find Captain Lightbulb to come to Earth, to figure out what to do about this alien armada. Then-" Suddenly he was cut off to find Dr. Lesbon, the nympho doctor from Taltar that was following him around lately and begging for sex from him, unzipping his pants and duplicating the same technique Hummer Lass was performing on Lard Lad! "Oh no!" thought EDE, "I have a job to do and the doctor just won't stop! I guess a little felacio isn't out of the question..."

As all of these stories continued, Dev-Em flied across the cosmos with Kara on a super-secret mission. They were transporting the Emerald Dildo to a new location, so the Emerald Dildo fairy could live in peace where no one would bother her. Unfortunately...

As they flew close to the Rim Head Nebular, a large shape flew out of the rim and made straight for the pair.

“Kara look out” shouted Dev Em as the monstrous shape sped towards them.

But it was too late, The huge misshapen creature known only as Vaginimus had already knocked Kara unconscious in its mindless desire to “unite” with the Emerald Dildo

“fuck me” said Dev Em “ I am not getting squashed between a magical dildo and huge walking vagina” and, knowing that the creature would follow the Dildo thus leaving Kara free to recover, he turned and flew off as fast as he could in the direction of….

...he turned and flew off as fast as he could in the direction of…Gaynemead, that fun, frolicsome, flirty moon that always dances around Ju-peter. Vaginimus stayed in close pursuit for the entire trip, somehow able to keep up the pace set by the daring Dev-Em.

As they approached Gaynemead, Dev-Em noticed that the Emerald Dildo was violently struggling to escape his grasp. Thus distracted, Vaginimus was able to catch up and grasp his ankle in a warm, moist grip. Before he could turn to do battle however, a bright, blazing yellow light exploded from the surface of Gaynemead and hurtled towards them. Vaginimus noticed the blazing yellow light as well and released her grip on Dev-Em's ankle, unsure who posed the bigger threat.

Suddenly, in the center of the blazing yellow light both sentinents were able to make out the silhouette of.....

...the Golden Dildo of Taltar! As it sped towards them, it was heard to shout, "$Aak#asdap% (*lii &!***UAGHSA" *

(*instant omnicom translation ~ "Emmett! Emmett, I'm coming for you Emmett dear, hang on! I'll save you!)

To which the Emerald Dildo of Ekron replied "KHADTB&^ NAISY*&^@ 8(^BASJ" *

(*instant omnicom translation ~ "Gordo! Oh Gordo! I knew you'd come for me if you could! My hero!")

The Golden Dildo of Taltar threw himself at Dev-Em and began beating him about the face and mouth and backside while shooting golden bursts of showering light in all directions. As this golden shower hit Vaginimus, she screeched "Oh Mercy!" and fled into the Nunnery Nebula in the far depths of space.

Dev-Em was so startled by this strange turn of events that he lost his grip on the Emerald Dildo of Ekron. Emmett EDE immediately flew up to join Gordo GDT.

When they met there was a brilliant (and very fashionable) burst of gold and emerald light which lit the entire spacial vicinity for parsecs. As it faded, Dev-Em was left stunned, for instead of two matching gay dildos, Emmett EDE & Gordo GDT had joined together to form...

...Star 69 which settled above Gaynemead's south pole. Ever since, Star 69 has served as a signal star (sort of like a bandana in days of old) silently announcing Gaynemead's true orientation. It's said that the Dildo Fairy has joined them and the three of them lived happily ever after (don't all fairy tales end that way? )

But that's a story for another day. For now let us return to Cobalt Kid's Office of Security where ...

*Vee, it doesn't get more genius than that *

...Cobalt's security office, where Cobalt, Super Lad Kid and Lash Lad knocked Madrox the Multiple Durlan outside of his office into the streets of Legion World. Feeling the ghost of Chris Claremont in the viscinity of him (who haunted Legion World BTW in an unrevealed Legion World story), Cobalt shouted "Durlan, quarter will be neither asked nor given! Come and meet my magnetic fury!", as he used his magnetism to pull the Durlan into the air. As it stretched it's arms and legs out as swords at Cobalt Kid, Lash Lad whipped them together, as Cobalt used his magnetism to hold him still. Knowing this was only one of the Durlan's clone selves and not his real one, then proceeded to rip the Durlan apart, as a cascade of Durlan entrails and guts fell downward onto the head of Super Lad Kid, who uttered the ever-witty "aw, gross!".

"A bit brutal Cobie?" said Lash, to which Cobalt replied "not really. I knew it was only the clone, and since clones aren't sentient by Durlan standards, it's not technically killing. Anyway, this proves that Madrox is related somehow to the Nad's Kicker murder. Now we have to figure out who else is involvded, cuz the Durlan sure as hell can't make bodies fall out of thin air!"

Meanwhile, the alien armada that was secretly the Brood hovered over Earth, waiting for Hummer Lass or Captain Lightbulb to be delivered, or the alian in Space Ranger to grow. However, even they were being watched by...

An ancient and powerful space entity known as "the ONE from M81" a being as old as the cosmos itself.

Unfortunately, great age does not always bring great wisdom. and the being known as "the ONE from M81" was and is only slightly more intelligent than a soggy oreo cookie. Think Homer Simpson dead drunk.

"the ONE from M81" is however extremely powerful in a Tenzil Kim sort of way. And right now the brood batle ship reminded it of an enticing appetizer.

"the ONE from M81" opens its huge mouth and...

...was suddenly filled with the entity known as Vaginus! Yes, the most cosmic cunnilingus ever took place for the next few minutes, as people throughout the cosmos inexplicitly experienced orgasms to such a powerful degree, that they could never have sex afterwards! In fact, these beings took a turn towards abstinence, and would create the Church of the Great Orgasm, which would haunt the LMBP in it's future, two years from now!! Remember this LMBers.

Onboard the alien armada, the Brood were really getting anxious. They were hungry, horny and a bit miffed that they had to hide themselves under the guise of morality officers. "Fuck it" said Glib'ymb, a Brood officer. "Let's go fuck that place up". "No, you blithering, blathering, blundering idiot" replied Marvin, another Brood officer. "We must wait."

Meanwhile, Captain Lightbulb came to Earth as requested, just as EDE finished himself off into Dr. Lesbon's mou-, ah well, you get the picture. EDE welcomed his friend, as Lardy and Hummer Lass joined them. Lardy had that "I just got a BJ from Kid Prime's mom and want to rub it in his face look", but EDE knew there was too much to do. As Greybird Boy and Arachne joined them, they all reported to Princess Crujectra to discuss the alien armada.

Meanwhile, Nad's Kicker Lad's severed head remained on Cobalt's desk, as Lash, Cobalt, Super Lad Kid and now Vee and Semi joined them. Suddenly it exploded onto Super Lad Kid! "Dammit!" he yelled, covered again with entrails! "What the fuck!" As Lash and Vee snickered, Cobalt suddenly saw a clue to Nad's Kicker's killer: an arm chair leg tucked into his abdullah oblangatta (spelling is for losers anyway ). "Hm," he thought, "the Multiple Durlan and now this..."

... painful rectal itching! It's enough to drive me insane!"

"Hey Cobie, we've all been there" said Lash sympathetically, "Once I had to go through a whole case of Preparation H before I could ..."

"Enough! Can we get back to the business at hand" interrupted Super Lad Kid.

Cobie took his hand out of his pants and said ...

Cobie took his hand out of his pants and said "Oh what a good boy am I!" Lash said "Hey diddle diddle!" And Super Lad Kid said "And Jill came tumbling after!" The three LWMBers looked perplexed at each other. Cobalt Kid said "Where is the little boy who looked after the sheep?" Cobalt Kid clamped his hand over his mouth. Grabbing a pad of paper, Cobalt Kid wrote "What is happening?" and turned it towards his companions. Their continued perplexed looks made Cobalt Kid to look at the writing on the pad. It read "Have you any wool?"

In a dark cavern, lit only by the glow of a monitor, a mysterious figure observes the goings on in the Security Office. "YES! My Nuwsewy Whyme Way Wowks Pewfectwy! Now my Wevenge can Begin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!


Meanwhile: As Captain Lightbulb, in his new neon pink speedos, Lardy, EDE, Hummer Lass, Greybird Boy, and Arachne entered the stately Crujectra manor....

and were greated by her butler, Alfred Davis Esther.

Yes the long line of EDE clones continues.

More to the point however, Lardy turned to Hummer Lass and said, "Not Now."

Grey Bird Boy loked at ADE and said, "Why does Crujectra live in a mansion instead of a palace?"

Hummer Lass got to her feet and with a pertty little pout said, "Would you like a Hummer ADE?"

To which ADE replied, "I already have a perfectly suitable car, a Yugo."

Meanwhile back at the Ranch...

Meanwhile back at the Ranch (Ranch? Cool!)...

...Raging Bull was teaching Almost New Kid, Homecoming Queen and Faraway Lad how to lasso up a bull and bring him up. Unbeknownst to them, their was a secret spy inside the Ranch, although this subplot will not be revealed until at the very least page seven.

As they were hanging out and enjoying their day in a non-sexual manner, Space Ranger and Mantis suddenly arrived, as Space Ranger drunkenly puked ever where! "Gross", said Faraway, "tell your brother to knock it off". "No way" said ANK, "I'm the one whose supposed to be annoying..."

"This one does not think it is the alcohal" replied Mantis. But something has changed in the Space Ranger suddenly." What she did not know was that a Brood egg was hatching in SP, and that the Brood armada waited to invade Legion World...