Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Ongoing LMBP Tag Team Thread (rated PG13)

In Space, Low Above Legion World

The Brood Battle Cruiser prepares for an assault. Instruments aboard that ship have detected the imminent hatching of the egg implanted in Space Ranger's butt by the now destroyed John A. Misnomer. Marvin the senior officer aboard the ship has decided that he is tired of waiting for his Hummer, or Yugo, as the case may be, and is preparing to take direct action against our stalwart heros.

Unfortunately for the Brood however, an unresolved plot line from the previous adventure (See LMBP The fight against Thora for details) is about to raise it's ugly head, or to put it more accurately, make a big STINK!!!

For several time parts (Time duration in these stories is only slightly less fuzzy than the plot) a mixture of Sauerkraut, 9 Alarm Chili and Bratwurst has been rumbling in the Ranger's guts. Add the fact that his recent "Talent Competition" with Danny Blane was fueled by approximately 3 cases of Michelob, and a quart of JWB, things in the Ranger's intestinal tract have reached what can mildly be described as a "Critical Mass."

Mantis is the first to notice the rather strange expression when it appears on the Ranger's face She does not understand what is happening but her cosmic awareness is screaming at her to vacate the area, FAST. Also to bury her head in the nearest pile of Bull Manure she can find. She Knows better than to argue with her somewhat vague talent. It always pops up later and says "Nah, Nah, Told Ya So!!"

Moving quickly she grabs the other LMBPers and heads for Raging Bull's barn where she knows, again because her talent has said "Git in the barn, Bitch!", the protective layer of Bull Manure will be the thickest.

Behind them they can hear the faint but very, very, extremely, drunk voice of the Ranger giggling as he says, "Pull my finger"

Marvin, the senior Brood officer, watches in disbelief as the LMBPers flee the area where his ship has just landed. Not only are the LMBPers cowards he thinks as they dive head first into a pile of Male Bovine Animal Excrement, but they left the admittedly encapacitated prize undefended.

"Go ahaid, silly, just pull my finger!"

Marvin turns to see the Space Ranger bent over with his ass pointed at the Brood Battle Cruiser and one hand with index finger extended stretched out in his direction. Curiously he reaches out and gives that finger a small tug.

As he touches the Ranger's finger a small voice in the back of Marvin's head can be heard repeating the immortal phrase "You're really fucked now, Brood Boy..."

Moments later after the Echoes of the Ranger's incredible BRAPPP, FIZZST, BBRRAAPPPP, Ahhhh What a relief that was, have resounded two and 16/24ths of the way around Legion World (twice) our stalwart heros begin to crawl out of the huge pile of Male Bovine Animal Excrement that saved their lives. They do however (On the advice of ABNQNK, who has been through the aftermaths of Rangers binges before) stuff their noses with said Male Bovine Animal Excrement in order to ensure that they will have a reasonably breatheable air supply.

The scene they witness is...

...is one of pure horror. Feces and Brood guts layer the ground everywhere around them. The air so putrid, that none can really breath. Space Ranger flies through the air, now dead sober after such a royal shit, and scopes out the alian armada. "Hm, how about that. Looks like their all gone, and I didn't even know about it."

Danny Blaine, retaking his position as Mantis is drawn back, speaks next saying "maybe we should get the fuck out here?" "Good idea" says Faraway, as he makes them go faraway to the LMBP headquarters. There, they notice Cobalt's security office is surprisingly quiet (as Lash, Super Lad Kid and he can no longer say coherent sentences that make sense, although they aren't aware of this yet). As the prepare to tell Princess Crujectra the alian armada is defeated, they are shocked to find that a new threat has risen...


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Epilogue: the Brood egg of John A. Misnomer arises out of the feces. He is now a living Brood feces sentient being, a piece of shit who lives off others shit. And he will one day have his revenge on Space Ranger. From this day forth, "Brood-Shit" is an enemy of the LMBP!

Epi-Epilogue:

Back in Scotland, Sonnie and Harbi are dangling inches above the ground, being held only by the ears.
Numph-El, Sonnies bigger, uglier and downright nastier brother is one of the few sentient beings left in Legionworld who can understand the stramache that has gone on between them , in their mithir tongue "Doric". Not even Weegies could understand what the Furry Booters were on about.

"Shut yer wheesht the pair a yiz! Yer baith fechtin' like a coupla jessies. Yi twa feel puddocks, if yi dinna stoap I'll rip aff yer airms'n' legs an' hit yiz oan the heid wi ma Toblerone!
"Shit, that's a bit of a give away.........."

*Yeah, Numf-El is here!*

*Yeah, Numf-El is here!*

"A new threat has arisen!" shrieked Fat Cramer, running as fast as she could into Cobalt's security office. "Something else else terrible has happened to Amber and Umber and the Boyz, they've been chasing me for two hours trying to give me Botox injections! I think they're being mind-controlled by the Brood. And they don't even have minds to begin with!"

Then, to her horror, FC realized that four kilted figures were materializing in the office. Sonnie, Harbinger and Numf-el had been transported and were continuing their peculiar Scottish-dialect argument (or so it appeared), but were now accompanied by the dreaded Bagpipes Boy.

Blockade Boy: "nice skirt."
Bagpipes Boy: "shut ya yap."

"Begorrah!" cried Bagpipes Boy.

"Um...isn't that Irish?" asked Vee.

"Crap. Yer right. So much for you lot then." said Bagpipes Boy. And before anyone could stop him, the sounds of Amazing Grace filled the Security Office.

The agony was unbearable.

**************************

Meanwhile, Outdoor Miner kept drinking.

Thankfully, for once, the Universe was kind and Bagpipe Boy was suddenly sucked out of existence by a kindly mini-blackhole that happened to be out on a shopping trip to Legion Worlds top milinewr that day. The blackhole may have been one of the most deadly forces in the universe but that didn't mean that even it could stand the cat-being-strung-up-by-it's-privates type meowling sound that BB was generating so simply ate him up in a single SCHULLRP!!!!

The beautiful silence that followed the very short but deservedly painful death of Bagpipe Boy was broken by the shocking announcement from Outside Miner that.....

...that one of the Brood had survived the cataclysmic attack. Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood had been sighted, headed this way and carrying a tin whistle and a bhoran.

"This could be even worse than the bagpipes," muttered Outdoor Miner. "That's what you get for saying 'begorrah', you get a Celtic music invasion. If Harbinger, Sonnie and Numf-el would just stop arguing, maybe they could put an end to this terrible threat."

Unfortunately the chances of that happening, as Sonnie had just hidded Harbinger's favourite stapler in a moment of childishness, was very very slim - we're talking this chance makes Ronn Kar on a Calissa Flockhart (however you spell her name, you know, Ally McBeal stick insect woman) diet look fat! - so their arguement raged on as viciously as ever, their slang getting thicker and and less understanable - even to themselves - as the seconds ticked by.

Fat Cramer, in a moment of purest genius that would go down as one of the true Legion World Legendary Ideas announced.....

...Fat Cramer announced, "Time for tea! Everybody take five, relax and we'll find a solution for this later. Besides, I have summoned the most dire weapon on Legion World: the two LORI MORNINGS!"

************** interlude to say -

Pure Genius 'Cramer!!

end interlude****************

Suddenly, dueling dual duars appeared in mid air and began a deadly deadening duet!

ABNQNKid yelled "Ahhhh! What's that? Make it stop!"

FC replied "Oh, that's right, you've never experienced the appearance of two LORI MORNINGS have you. There is nothing more ... physically painful than having the two of them around. Just wait, this is just the intro, it gets worse!"

As she finished, the dueling dual duars seemed to shimmer in mid air and what appeared to be matched holes appeared. From inside each one stepped identical Loris!

"So! After all this time, you've finally realized that only I can save Legion World! It's about time you called on me." said Lori Morning.

"No, you idiotic impersonator, they didn't call you! They called me because they know only I can save them!" replied LoriMorning.

"You can not, only I can!" argued Lori Morning

"No you can't, it's me they need!" retorted LoriMorning

"NO, me!" yelled Lori Morning

"No....ME! shouted LoriMorning

"ME!

"NO.. ME!"

"ME, bitch!" screeched Lori Morning

"Bitch? I'll show you!" screamed LoriMorning and launched herself at Lori Morning.

It was at this point that Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood arrived with his tin whistle and bhoran. LoriMorning ducked and Lori Morning flew over her and landing on top of Marvin. LoriMorning then jumped on her (them) and they got into a classic cartoon catfight!

As the others watched, the fight, they could ocassionally see an arm with a tin whistle, or a Lori Morning leg sticking out from the melee.

Finally, the tumult wound down and the LMBPers were able to see the result. To their surprise...

Finally, the tumult wound down and the LMBPers were able to see the result. To their surprise...

Meanwhile somewhere in time and space: Non-Sequitor said "We're safe for now, thank God we're in a bowling alley."

Back in regular time and space:
Finally, the tumult wound down and the LMBPers were able to see the result. To their surprise...

To their surprise, they were all out of tea and biscuits. So they ordered some more, contemplating the sorry result of the battle that lay before their eyes. The two Lori Mornings emerged from a cloud of dust and destruction, carrying Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood between them.

"Well, that's that. Any other problems you need fixing?" asked LoriMorning. Lori Morning stuck out her tongue.

"Anyone feel like bowling?" asked Arachne.

"I do" said Mordru, the wife of Mordru, out of thin air. This was one hot babe, except for the fact that she had a big white snowy beard! Worse, she had magical power, and used it to destroy all the tea and cookies in a ten mile radius! The LMBPers fell to the ground in tears, while Fat Cramer's eyes flared up in rage! Even Harbinger, Sonnie and Numf-El stopped their arguement (none could understand it by now anyway, it had strangely turned into the ancient language of the Huns). Even Petty Officer Marvin of the Brood teamed up with the LMBP, since he was world-renowned for his love of tea!

FC led the charge against Mordra, as this time, the LMBP cut loose!!!!

Meanwhile, the group of LMBers with Crujeckie and Captain Lightbulb wondered what to do now that the alien invasion was over. Little did they know that...

Meanwhile, the group of LMBers with Crujeckie and Captain Lightbulb wondered what to do now that the alien invasion was over. Little did they know that Captain Lightbulb's next idea would be so profound that it would change all of them forever!

But as his lightbulb lit up, Antequated Forms of Communication Lass suddenly appeared on the scene with a dire warning...

...the world is imperiled! The universe itself is crashing in on itself! The devourer of worlds is coming! Climactus!"

Captain Lightbulb thought now might be a good time to express his idea, so...

so CL says, "Guys, I have an idea! What if..."

But before he could finish his sentence, the Princess suddenly spoke up, "Wait! If this is really AFoCL, then why his she speaking to us normally? Doesn't she always try to send us messages in some unorthodox and antequated manner?"

As the assembled LMBers contemplated the possibility that this was not their friend Antequated Forms of Communication Lass, but instead an imposter, one of them started pointing at the sky and yelling...

"Look, up in the sky!" said Grey Bird Boy

"It's a turd!" said Lard Lad

"No, it's insane!" said Crujeckie finally!

"It's a huge amount of semen and vaginal secretion, falling down on Legion World! Disgusting!"

"Hahaha!" yelled ATFC Lass, as she suddenly turned into one of the LMBP's feared and dreaded enemy! She was the one who dropped Nads Kicker Lad out of the sky with no limbs, sent Madrox the Multiple Durlan against them, and then took away the power of speech from Lash, Super Lad and Cobalt Kid when they had figured out the mystery! The cum falling down from the sky was actually part of something else bigger! For she was...!

************

interlude

two posters in the time it took me to reply, I mus get on a touch typing course!

end interlude
****************

Laughing so hard that she tore a hole in the space/time continum and dissapeared. None of the LMBPers had a chance to see who she really was.

Although Lardy thought he knew, but he was wrong and whoever he thinks it is, it can't be, so just ask him who it is if you want to know who it isn't. Kapeesh?

And anyway, because nature abhores a Vacuum, Except in the case of Hummer Lass, or Yugo Lass, whichever she is in this story, the evil Villaness was instantly repalced by Bagpipes Boy.

Bagpipes Boy looked around intently until he spotted Harbinger, then with an evil smile he raised his pipes to his lips, inflated his bag, and began to blow...

...and was immediately felled by the Lard Force.

"Perfect, Lardy", said Crujeckie. "One more note out of you and you'll get turned into some European country, Bagpipes."

The others were trying to wipe assorted celestial secretions off themselves, when Grey BIrd Boy said, "Perhaps we can convince Bagpipes Boy to join us in our fight against injustice."

"Anything!"intoned Bagpipes Boy. "Just don't send me back to that space vacuum. Here - I'll share my fudge with you. And I can tell you what Antiquated Forms of Communication Lass was up to - she's really my twin sister!"

"Okay, pal," said Lard Lad. "Spill it. But don't squeak on the high notes."

Bagpipes Boy then revealed a plan so deadly that even the most battle-hardened of our heroes were shocked.

"So that's what she's planning", growled Fat Cramer. "There's only one way to stop this..."