Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Bits o' Legionnaire Business The Ongoing LMBP Tag Team Thread (rated PG13)

Wait a minute? Are you telling me there isn't a follow up story with Kaant in the works?

Noooooooooooo!

We, you're adoring fans, demand more!

I must admit that I have nothing planned at present, apart from possibly the pole dancing contest, complete with a village full of Zombies (although I don't know yet - I may just leave it all up to your imagination ).

However, Kaant is on the loose in LW and is up for grabs to all and sundry - I do not count myself as sole keeper, she can be added to the list of baddies for general use. I will probably use her more later on myself - I must admit I enjoyed writing her part.

The reason I've stopped is because there's no longer any tagging - if I want to write a Onevision that might be the place for a longer story line like my past two in this thread.
Unfortunately that would suggest actually having a plan of action, rather than just the vaguest idea of what the fuck is going on, and very little idea where things are headed. So, we'll have to wait and see........

K'N

Hmmm... Numf I suppose I'll have to pick a few of the things I've left hanging in the near future. I just haven't had the time for the past few weeks. hopefully we can get this thread restarted especially since it has a completely different style and flavor from the other thread. (does that even make sense?)

Latest News - there is a new story with Kaant in it in the works Cobie, but I've got to work out what's going on before any posting.

Considering that Kaant is my favorite LMB character in existence right now (I'm already laughing and all I've done is type the word 'Kaant' ), all I can say is...

All-Fuckin'-Right!!!!

(I've been on a bit of a break from writing too lately, just waiting to get my inspiration back...whenever I sober up )

With you there Cobie.

Say with me, in your best mock-cockney accent

OI! Kaaannntt!!

So, meanwhile back in Legion World, Sonnie is at this moment participating in his second favourite pass time, yup he's being spanked by a troup of Bavarian lederhosen wearing ... oh hang on, that's his all time favourite, his second favourite just involves the robot of Rupert Everet he has stashed under his bed while he gets the programme glitches properly worked out... but we don't want to go there just yet, trust me gentle reader, we really don't want that posted here!So, okay he's participating in his THIRD favourite thing....

Anyway, Sonnie is blessed with the outrageous ability to condense incredible amounts of information and complex logistics and legislation into rude swear words. It's why the British National health Service pay him so well (**yeah, as IF!!**). Which is why when the thing that the post is tryingto get around to telling actually happens he unleashed a burst of sweary words the like of which shocked even himself!!!

So before we gp down that road as well lets try to remain on track shall we? Please? Oh okay.... so... he's actually doing a nice family picture for Easter to be part of his on going religious iconography body of work and he receives a bizarre telepathic type psychic alert that his big (tho not biggest) Brother, Numf El is in deadly danger!

Knowing his Bro's habits as well as he does Sonnie races to Shameless Hussies, sure that his sibling will be fulfilling his quota of barfly duties. Of course things are never that easy for our intrepid hero as....

First time i have seen this. You mean all this time i have been missing out on sexual non-pc, vulgarity, and amusing puns on sexual slang names?

darn

'Fraid so, Rick - feel free to join in the fun.

***Quaalude***

Eddie Tor’s Note (As transcribed by Trixie, because Eddie had to go to the Can, Again!)

At this morning’s story conference, Eddie finally re-appeared. The cause of his (and Phineas’) long absence is still unknown but he did at least acknowledge the unfortunate fact that “Ongoing Adventures of the LMBP” magazine was shut down for an extended period whilst they were away. In fact he has authorized me to publish the following statement:

“Youse guys aint got no right to like scrutinize my like personal life, so da fact that Phineas an’ I decidered ta takes a bits of time off ain’t nobodies else’s like bizniss. Let me just say in response ta dat dere bunch of e-mails I got (okay da one single e-mail I got) I hads some tings ta like take care of and I did dat. An’ just cause Phineas neededs ta do da same ting don’t mean nothin’ at all. So Dere!”

Unfortunately due to Eddie’s long absence we have been unable to publish anything for the last two months. Not that I (being the extremely flexible person that I am) couldn’t have gotten the magazine out by myself but because the printer’s wouldn’t accept my signature on the vouchers.

But anyway, they’re back and we’re back so let the fun begin!

Eddie’s final comment at the conference was “Oh and just cause everyone prolly fergot where we were in the various story arcs, an’ nobody wants ta go back and reread dat crap, an “Our story so far” note will accompany each new post.”

***Quaalude Wears Off***

***Our Story So Far***

In an attempt to prevent the Master-Baiter and his Fishy Hooker Legion from attacking Legion world our hero’s have journeyed thru time and space gathering the Heroes Needed to Defeat this Vile Menace. Ultimately they wound up in Nightcrawlers Home Dimension. Where Nighty, StuRat, Pagan Lass, Stoopid Cat, Cloned Green Pig, and Bast the ancient Pre-Egyptian Goddess of Cats are confronted by Asmodea, Nightcrawler’s sister. She reveals… Okay read it for yourselves…

***Resume Insanity***

“Asmodea, what are you doing here?” the mocking peal of laughter accompanying her mimicry of his question immediately incensed Nighty. But, he held his temper (barely) as he smoothly extricated himself from the pile of bodies and turned to face his younger sister.

“I assume you have some purpose here beyond annoying me?”

“But of course, dear Balshazzar, I’m obviously! here to lead you to the entity you seek.”

“And just who is this entity?” StuRat’s voice cut off Nighty’s reply.

“Why the Master-Baiter, better known here in this dimension as ‘Old Jerky’. He is the object of your silly little quest, isn’t he?”

“Old Jerky?”

“Old Jerky, the second oldest demon in the realm. The only one older is his spouse, ‘Old Headache’ who I suppose is the reason he’s called ‘Old Jerky’.”

“Something else else tells me there’s a really bad joke in there somewhere…” Stoopid Cat’s sarcastic comment cut the conversation off short but he was too late.

Nighty and StuRat both felt the magical vibrations at the same time, Bast and Pagan Lass felt the same thing a split second later, Cloned Green Pig groaned, and Asmodea, otherwise known as “Cute Lil Devil” laughed in a musically maniacal fashion…

“It’s happened, and now there’s nothing you can do about it,” she said with a devilish smirk on her face, “A recurring theme has been created. Your silly little quest is doomed! Between the power of “Old Jerky” and the non-stop self-satisfaction jokes that will pop up to impede your progress, it’s hopeless!”

And in a flash of fire and brimstone with a curiously sensual smile on her face, she shoved her hand down her pants, moaned, and disappeared.


Nighty's Sister Asmodea

SHAMELESS HUSSIES!


***Our Story So Far***

During a quiet evening out at the popular Legion World nightclub “Shameless Hussies” Abin Quank and Numf-El manage to not quite innocently piss off Pagan Lass and are magically transformed into a pair of overweight and ugly strippers named Roseanne and Rosie. Meanwhile Cobalt Kid and Invisible Brainiac are seduced by a pair of newcomers to Legion World named Trailer-Trash Barbie and Fun-Time Skipper. Dusty Baker’s arrival on the scene reveals the pair to be time lost sisters who possess some rather strange abilities. However before anyone can figure out what is going on they are attacked by the cheesy super-villain rip-off Jugzernaught.


***Resume Insanity***

“Whoever you little twerps are, you will be the first to fall before the might of JUGZERNAUGHT!”

Dusty hit the wall hard, upside down, and confused. But it takes more than a being possessed of the power of the “Crimson Pierced Klittytoris” to put down a man who drives a little blue school bus for a living. Pulling out his trusty “Louisville Slugger” (and grabbing a nearby baseball bat, left laying around as part of an old running gag, just in case you know) he hurled himself back into the fray.

But, before he could get back across the room, (Look have you ever tried running with your pants around your ankles, a baseball bat in one hand and your trusty Louisville Slugger in the other? You feel good about it, but you don’t go very fast) the Jugzernaught struck again.

Cobalt Kid has prided himself on being a hero’s hero and the biggest ladies man on Legion World for years, but influenced and beguiled by Trailer Trash Barbie’s “Animal Magnetism,” he was just a little slow to respond to the threat. Before he knew what was happening a hand the size of his ego snatched him up and shoved him into a place the sun rarely shines. (And when the sun does shine there, well, trust me; you don’t want to be in the vicinity.)

“Go ahead, little magnetic stud boy, use your powers… I think I’d enjoy that,” the monstrous being smirked as she began to stalk her next victim. “The Crimson Pierced Klittytoris will keep you quiet.”

Invisible Brainiac scrambled away from the girl who he’d been eagerly courting just a few seconds earlier, while desperately hoping that she had not been part of a setup to trap the LMBP (and that she’d earned the ‘Fun Time’ moniker in the way he’d imagined). He quickly turned himself invisible. Instantly his intelligence increased from slightly above average to a level of sheer super intelligent nerdiness that only Dr. One could match. The evil nefarious plan against the LMBP was instantly obvious to him; this was the start of the…

...week.

The recurring menace and scurge of the (Legion) World.

Monday!!

Therefore, as everone who had ever held down a regular job understood, things could only get worse before they got better!

Thankfully...

“Noooooo!!!!”

Nighty’s anguished scream split the darkness as the world began to morph around them.

Suddenly, every bad masturbation joke ever written, told or serially fantasized about came to life around them.

Hairy palm trees gripped their own shafts and sent fountains of coconut milk spraying in the air. Pages ripped from magazines fluttered out of the sky, sticky centerfolds from Playboy, Playgirl, National Geographic, and yes even Popular Mechanics landed face down around them with loud wet splats. Somewhere off in the distance a middle aged woman’s voice could be heard screeching “You’ll ruin your eyesight you nasty little Demon… Just you wait until your father gets home… Balshazzar!!”

“Quickly… we must get away from the center…” Nighty’s voice conveyed urgency. He began scrambling away from the clearing, running on all fours, catlike, moving with an agility that only Stoopid Cat could match, alternately sprinting ahead and exhorting his comrades to keep up.

Ultimately it was of no use. Pagan Lass was the first to fall, giggling helplessly at the sight of a teenage demon girl pressing herself tightly against a washing machine in permanent spin cycle, she falls victim to a passing dildo bird’s payload. StuRat tripped over the prone form of an exhausted demon and was trapped in the sticky pages of the National Geographic’s Annual Pygmy Issue. Cloned Green Pig carried Bast into a barnyard filled with strutting peacocks and slinking birds of paradise. The battle is short but one sided; covered with feathers and goo they fall moaning in the mud.

Within seconds only Nighty and Stoopid Cat were free and un-aroused.

“Damm Nighty, Now I know why you skedaddled out of this place…”

“Keep Moving SC!!!! We have to reach the elder’s area before we’ll be safe…”

“Why the elders area?”

“They can only go through the motions! It’s just as funny to watch but you can’t get shot like you can here!”

Monday smiled as he watched Rosseane and Rosie try to pull Cobalt out of the place that no sun should ever shine.

Turning to watch Dusty Baker square off with the Jugznernaut, he didn't realize that another LMBer with a temper had arrived on the scene! It was none other than...

Sorry guys but I just can't let this thread die...

So...

There are times when even the most heroic of heroes, which Nightcrawler is and Stupid Cat isn't, must choose the better (and bitter) part of valor.

The shimmering veil of the elders area taunted the two remaining LMBPers as they sprinted for the dubious safety it offered. If only they could reach it unmarked by the furious self-immolation which surrounded them. If only...

Just a scant five yards from their goal stood the final obstacle, the one trap that Nighty knew he couldn't resist, a twice life-sised blow-up of the famous Burt Reynolds Playgirl Centerfold.

Fortunately, Stoopid Cat was close enough that he could reach out and grab a piece of tail. Closing his eyes (and giving a silent moan of relief) he allowed himself to be dragged the last few paces to Nirvana (thats the name of the elders area you bunch of pervs) by the suddenly yowling and wildly struggling cat.

As they broke the plane of Nirvana he let go of SC's tail and rolled away from the furious feline's assault.

"That friggin hurt you blue furred moron! What the hell was that all about?"

"Sorry. SC, I just needed to close my eyes for a second there, or else..."

"Hee-Hee! That was pretty funny," cackled an unfamiliar voice...

It was Stoopid Cat's good twin, Smart Cat!

Two months later nothing interesting had happened.

"I know," said Numf to anybody that wanted to listen, " why don't we go on an adventure somewhere? We could go looking for some buried treasure, or the E-lickser of Life. Oooh, now that sounds like fun. Who wants to come along?"

Sonnie Boy happened to be passing (though what he was passing will have to remain a secret - for medical reasons and this should try to remain child friendly -ish ) and overheard Numf chattering away to himself...

"Hey Numf, you talking to yourself? I know it isn't your imaginary friend you're speaking to as he committed suicide didn't he... so are you bored or something?"

Sonnie stops to scratch his magnifent mane of dyed blond hair as Numf finishes slurping his beer...

Sonnie continues:

"I'm a bit bored too y'know so how about we try to resolve that Great Last Unsolved Mystery? That should be fun."

Numf sighed and said "But I don't want the secret of the addictive properties of Rowies to ever be explained...it'll ruin the pleasure I'm shoor...."

"No, not that one, The Great Last Unsolved Mystery I mean is none othr than......


<<<<that's YOUR cue to write something now!> Where would you like to send Numf and Sonnie to? And of course whoever else yu can be arsed roping into this story... >>>>

Whatever happened to the Super Ron Jeremy... of Space!?!?

It's already been established that Numf inherited a trunk from one of his many fathers DNA - probably one of the banana splits so he probably qualifies, and as I'm his brother (really!!) I'd rather not explore that option... iccckkkk!. Though if it's not Numf then I'm always up for some voyerism... I mean adventures...

...is none other than the one about everyone unable to ever have sex again when that bomb hits Legion World."

"What?!" said Numf quickly.

"Yeah, you remember! It was launched months ago! What ever happened to it?"

"Sonnie, hold on! We never stopped it? It's supposed to hit...um...let me see...times two...carry the four...HOLY SHIT! It's supposed to hit today!"

"Shit!" said Sonnie. "Well? What are we waiting for?! Let's go get...

"LAID!!"

<sorry, that kind of kills the story a bit.... aside, can you kill something "a bit"? >

"but" said Cobalt earnestly " you only have approximately 14 minutes before the bomb hits"

"Damn! It'll take me that long to get to sHAKES, we'll have to deal with this ourselves... Come on gang! Who's with me?"

A trunk, you say? Wow - impressed to my core.

"Yeah, a trunk. It was the one that they kept all their spare hats and stuff in," said Numf. "But we've only got 14 minutes to save the earth....."

Flash!!!........

I foresee success but at a horrible price