Legion World Forums LEGION COMPANION The Anywhere Machine KP's Thoughtful Spot

There's this little feeling I get from time to time, sometimes several times a day. It's an almost physical sensation which prickles at the back of my neck. Generally, it happens to me when I'm sitting around, being passive. Not being active. Allowing life around me to act on me, but not being active, myself. There are times when I think to myself, "Rather than sitting here at the couch, or staring mindlessly at internet site after internet site, you could be lifting weights. Or playing the piano. Or singing. Or working on those 25-or-so ideas for stories/plays/librettos that you have filed in the back of your brain over the past several years. Or maybe you could be thinking about your life, where it's going, and making plans to better it. Or you could be out there making friends and relationships that will enhance and better your life... anything, that would be better or more productive than sitting here on the couch. So get up. Get up. Get UP, Jeff! Get up! Damn it, get UP!!!!"

It's really an uncomfortable feeling. And the longer it goes, the more uncomfortable it gets. IT's like an army of ants with thumbtacks on their feet dancing on the back of my neck. Since it's so uncomfortable, I desperately search for something to bring me back to comfort. Many times, this takes the form of a video game. More often, it takes the form of chocolate ice cream from the freezer. I've found that about 3 scoops is all it takes to stop that little feeling on the back of my neck and send me back into my stuporific absorbtion of whatever Rachel Ray is cooking for the next 30 minutes. And then it's time for Simpsons reruns. And then Futurama reruns. And then Family Guy reruns. Anyway, by this time I'm fat and happy, giggling at Peter Griffin and co.

I think this feeling at the back of my neck is something like an alarm system God has installed in my subconscious, to wake me from whatever conscious sleep I've decided to engage in that evening. Point is, whenever an alarm goes off, you have two choices: to get up, or to stay in bed. And that's what this thread is: a conscious choice for me to get up out of bed.

I have to beg folks' indulgence here... the only topic for this thread is a chance for me (and others) to talk about... I guess, things that would be deemed more, well, serious. Art. Literature. What makes our lives worthwhile. The love of our families. Where our societies are going, and whether this is good or bad. Where we personally are going, and how we feel about that.

Such discussions generally can lead to politics and religion, which are the two polite taboo subjects of our society, of course. While my impulse is to say let's just see where conversation takes us and deal with it then, I think there are some ground rules which might be good to add here.

There are ways to criticize ideas without criticizing people. Let's all remember that no one (I hope) wakes up in the morning and says to themself, "I choose to lead an evil life today. Mwah ha ha ha." Sometimes we disagree with the choices that people make, but let's remember that everyone has their own viewpoint. Respecting those viewpoints is key.

Still, it's my thought that politics shouldn't be overdiscussed here. Or discussed at all, unless absolutely necessary. The subject matter I'd like to see in this thread is... better than that.

Anyway, I started having my feeling of inactivity alert at the back of my neck just a while ago, and one of the ideas I have been throwing around that I felt could better myself in some way was this thread. I hope anyone who feels like they want to come around and talk feels welcome and at home. Just keep in mind that I may be changing topics fairly regularly.

Thanks, gang, for putting up with me and my loopy ideas!

Oh, I know that feeling. I'm in a constant struggle with it. To the point where I'v been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I haven't figured out a cure for it yet, but julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way seems to help some, if for no other reason than it talks about lots of people going through the same thing.

Not a loopy idea Jeff. Having a serious, insightful conversation with friends is always welcome.

Good to see you take some positive action when faced with the all too easy option of sitting back and zoning out (one of my favorite pasttimes). What other things do you plan to do as part of this more active lifestyle?

Well, I'm glad you asked!

I've been working on an action plan. The first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to work hard on getting involved more in other people's lives (and in effect, having others be more involved in my life, too.) I'm realizing that the internet is great for daily support and inspiration, even if the distance involved in making and keeping internet friends can be a bit frustrating at times. Another thing I have done is to put together a sheet of my goals for the first part of this year. Now, one thing I ahve yet to do is to turn that into a list of weekly goals, and then daily goals, but I plan to work on that today and tomorrow.

I've done a good job positioning myself for success in my career, but I can do things on a daily basis, like reading good books and practicing my programming languages and exposure to different technologies through working on personal projects.

I want to really attain the goals I've been trying to reach in my physical fitness this spring. I've been doing some research on what I need to do to attain this, and I've run across a great site, www.bodybuilding.com , which has a lot of great resources, including a forum which I'm planning on joining.

It also has some amazing personal transformation pages which I'm planning to use both as daily inspiration and as how-to guides. Just look at some of these guys!!!

Louis Dorman John Bartlett Daniel Greene GuyPaul Thibault Jonathan Kappel

I know that I'm going to have to give up a lot in order to be able to make the changes I want to make. That's the way life works. For everything worthwhile, there's a cost. But I have this dream of the way I want to look physically, and I've had it for a long time. I want to see if it can be a reality this year.

I also want to continue to work on myself as a musician/singer/composer. I need to get back to my piano. I also want to start singing on a regular basis again, whether that be in musicals, in choirs, or even in a band. I just want to see that happen. Finally, I want to start composing music again. I have some great ideas for pieces that have been germinating in my head for quite some time. I want to see them take life!

Finally, I don't want to forget that some of the other things I do for fun, like video games, riding rollercoasters, hanging out, and even posting on Legion World have their place in my life too!

That's what I've been thinking about as far as an action plan this past week.

Whenever I get that nagging feeling that I should be "doing" something, I often satisfy it by volunteering through my church. In fact, I just got back from a week-long mission trip to New Orleans, where I and three other volunteers set tile and nailed boards in homes that were once under water. Putting the needs of others before my own helps put a lot of things in perspective.

I think you bring up a great topic KP, and one that’s been of great interest to me for some time now, especially the last two years. I used to get that feeling all the time, and I usually still get it when I got two to three days without doing something active or positive. Its hard to describe exactly what I mean, but it’s a feeling that I’m ‘wasting my life away’ so I don’t only feel guilty about not being active physically, but I have a whole other kind of guilty feeling.

In the last year, I’ve taken some pretty large steps to change my life a little, and I’ve made a conscious effort to step this up at the turn of the New Year. Its, of course, still relatively early to say I’ve done anything, but I’ve actually started to see and feel some changes recently. Some of you may know that last year I decided that enough is enough and that I hated the way I looked, so I made a large effort to work out more, go running & hiking and to get back in shape—and I did, I lost 30 pounds last year and slimmed down a bit to an acceptable (to me) weight. Now, I’ve been athletic all my life and used to be in great shape in high school and early college, but as I stopped playing sports and indulged in a typical college bachelor lifestyle, my aging body just didn’t have the metabolism anymore to stay great.

Well, this year, I’ve decided that not only do I want to be in good shape, I want to be in GREAT shape. I’ve completely changed my diet again, and I’ve refocused my workouts so that I do a cardio workout three days a week, but also a weight-lifting workout that hits every point of my body. Basically, I want a flat stomach with six-pack abs, and a muscular torso & arms. And I’m already on that road after a year of working out, so I feel great. I go during my lunch shift at work (I have a great boss who gives me some leeway if I’m running late) and that usually gives me a tremendous energy rush during the afternoons, but then tires me out in the evenings to the point where I can relax and read/watch TV, so that I don’t feel guilty about not doing anything. My diet is completely different and I spend at least four nights a week eating with my brother (he’s a year younger than me and we’re housemates), cooking very healthy food (usually chicken or turkey with vegetables) and snacking on things like hard-boiled eggs, celery, etc. Then on the weekends, I’m more liberal about what I eat, which is mainly different kinds of meats (I never cared much for dessert or carb foods). Most importantly, I’ve made an effort to cut back my drinking.

Although I’m often over the top in my LW posting, I really do party a lot in real life, and have since high school. This has been tons of fun, but after hitting 25, I can’t help but feel that maybe I’m spending waaay too much money at the bars, and I’m just not as excited about the knowledge that ‘man, I got soooo bombed the other night!’. I literally used to go out about five times a week, then cut it back to four, then three. Now, at least for Jan, Feb and March, I’ve decided to only go the bars on Saturday nights with my friends. After March, I will probably loosen up and do Fridays as well. But I needed a break from that whole scene. I’ve been lucky enough to be relatively popular my whole life, in high school and college, and I’m used to be socially ‘in the loop’ with tons and tons of people, so at first I was hesitant to be ‘cut-off’ from everyone, but I’ve realized that essentially, I’m not really ‘cut-off’, and that I still talk to people online, or via facebook, or see them around—I was just spread so thin before, I never realized how little I see each individual person. Most likely by summer I’ll be out more, going out for a Sunday afternoon or a week night for a Yankees/Red Sox game or something, but I like the idea that I’m not now. This is a major step for me . And it also frees me up to do things that I haven’t in awhile, like catch a movie or go to a Rangers game or something.

So I spend a lot of my nights now not only re-immersing myself in hobbies I’ve put by the wayside (like hockey, classical literature, history, etc.), but doing a lot of errands that previously been filed under ‘I really should do [this] one day’. For example, last Friday I donated $700 of old clothes to Goodwill, cleaned out my closet, helped my 17 year old sister with college financial aid stuff, and did a bunch of other stuff that needed to be done. It does help that usually my brother works on Friday nights, my g/f and I give each other ‘the night off to do our own thing’, and my two other roommates Meg and Jenn have always been more inclined to stay in on a Friday if they’re tired from work (where generally, the mere thought of that was painful to me).

So, believe me, I hear what you’re saying. The physical aspect of it is really the most anxiety inducing thing, but the sense that you’re not accomplishing anything is there too. I basically only go online during work, and then only at night right before bed, to see if anything funny is happening in the MMB on LW, and to leave my friends messages (via IM), but I prefer not to talk via IM to people (I generally hate talking on the phone, talking on IM or texting, I truly only enjoy talking to people one on one in person if the conversation is intimate or serious). LW is its most fun for me when there are a group of us on the MMB making continual one-liners, which makes me laugh, makes me think and makes me feel comfortable in a way the LMB always has, that we’re a bunch of good friends from all over that enjoy each other’s ‘online company’.

I guess I rambled a bit . This is something I’ve given some thought to quite a bit in the last two years.

I’ve also noticed how working out more has helped me at work. In my line of work especially, where a lot of it is meetings, deals and one on one conversations with people (I’m a Reinsurance Broker), it helps to have a lot of energy and to really be ready to negotiate—both ‘hard’ and ‘soft’. I’ve come to love being able to pick the phone and really ‘go for it’ in terms of using my people skills to get what I need out of someone. I’m not sure if that’s a good quality or anything, but its sure useful for work.

Cobie driking less? What has the world come too?

But I to understand this feeling. For me its that pit in the stomach quesy feeling. And I just do the same thing, zone out watching tv or I go shopping and buy something. It was always about my job and the lack of future I had. I finally realized that when a intern at work accepted a full time position and I knew he was getting paid twiced that I was. So that kicked started a change in my life -job wise at least. I finally found the job I have been wating for in advertising. I am constantly lost, stressed out and work until 7-8pm every night and take work home home for the weekend. And I have never been happier in my life. I now have a future, a get paid way better and am out of my quater life crisis.

This has led me to be more comfortable with myself too. I now fully embrace my 'geekiness' and don't care if people know that I love Star Trek, read comic books and still collect toys. The next part is getting a better diet, working out and maybe finally start dating again-at least meet guys. Anyone know any good looking mascualine guys that like comic books in Austin for me?

One thing I miss doing is reading. I never have the time to read anymore. I've got to make a better effort to start reading again.

Part of me worries that I'm turning into Tony Robbins on this stuff. I've read a good deal of the self-help literature (Tony Robbins, Franklin Covey, even Bill Phillips on the physical-exercise side of it) and while I think there are good principles there, I also think there are some, er, very Teflon qualities to the popular self-help credos. Mainly, I think self-help tends to fail in two very important ways: it has a hard time bridging the gap from inactivity to activity, and when people fall off the wagon, it can be very hard to get back on. The self-help yoyo can be very much like the cycle of getting saved, backsliding, and then rededicating yourself to the Lord, on and on, ad infinitum. Which is why the concept of grace, not through works but by Christ's love only, in Christianity is such a wonderful concept. I wish there were more concepts like that in modern self-help literature.

Because a central tenet of self-help philosophies is that "you're alright." Every problem you face can be solved through either the power of your will, the power of your mind, the power of your body, or by following the principles of the self-help guru (Tony Robbins, Franklin Covey) you have chosen to follow. Unfortunately, in reality, some problems can be too intractable for a weekend seminar or a book to solve.

Which, of course, is where the twin paths of therapy and/or religion come in. And you start getting into grace and forgiveness, if you're lucky. Self-help is in many ways a modern alternative to religion. I don't think it should be used as such, though. There is a profundity to religious experience that modern self-help cannot hope to attain.

Still, we are creatures of habit. Our habits become pleasurable to us, and in a shorter period of time than we might would think (21 days is a popular axiom.) Once you create a habit, it becomes part of you. One of the keys to self-help (and one of its greatest successes, I think) is the philosophy that if we bend our minds and our wills toward creating new, positive habits to replace our old, negative habits, then once these habits have been created, we can put them on autopilot while we build from them, creating successively better and better habits off of which for us to live our lives.

One guy who I think really did a great job in bridging the paths of self-help, therapy, and religion was Scott Peck. His writings were just wonderful.

Anyway, my original point was that I didn't want to turn into Tony Robbins on this stuff. I just want to glean from the self-help gurus the principles that will be useful to me in my quest to self-fulfillment. And I know that eventually, I will have to come back to religion to be self-actualized. That's just the way I'm wired, even after all these years of agnosticism.

Well, that's enough for now. I hope that's at least a little bit coherent.

It was.

My mom reads a lot of self help books. Your Best Life Now By Joel Osteen is her favourite, but I haven't read it, personaly. She said some people might find it too religious. That doesn't bother me, but I have trouble getting most self help books that I've read. The only one I seem to relate to is The Artist's Way that I mentioned earlier. It breaks things up into nice small steps.

I am intrigued by the connection you have made between self-actualization and religion. What is it that makes you know you will have to come back to religion to be self-actualized? Is it a particular religion of which you write, or could it be any religion? Is that too personal to ask? Yes.

Years of agnosticism here, too, but with many thoughts and doubts. I'm not sure I'm exactly seeking anything, but sometimes I wonder if it isn't finding me anyway.

My partner (or whatever one's preferred term is is) is religious... what I mean by "religious" is that he lives by the credos that he believes a good Christian should live by... one thing that sticks out in my mind is when we were having a housewarming party, and he wanted to invite all the new neighbors from the street, whom we had never met, and I thought that was ridiculous (I don't want a bunch of strangers in my home, the party should be for friends!), but when I started to ask why he wanted to invite them, I already knew that he thought it was best to be a good neighbor, and that is part of being a good Christian. Grace and forgiveness, I guess, as you have described above. My partner also goes to church every week and is an active member of that church.

This "good Christian" aspect of my partner is one of the things that fascinates me about him. Good things happen to him. He is a happy guy in general (happier than me for sure). He truly believes that his good fortune and happiness are a result of his being a good Christian. I wonder if he isn't proving something to me every day that I should be paying attention to.

I guess my real question isn't "why religion" or "which religion" (which are none of my business anyway, sorry), but ... arrrghhh, don't really know how to phrase the question...

I guess: I see my partner as probably consituting someone who is "self-actualized." For myself, I have always thought that I probably won't reach a self-actualization point, whatever that means, until I am no longer a practicing lawyer... or at least not a lawyer practicing in my current area of expertise, which is to basically make deals that make people with lots of money have lots MORE money... ain't exactly nourishing to the soul, even if my mortgage payment is comfortable.

But maybe I am focusing on the wrong thing. It's really about faith, right? Grace and forgiveness. And that is what I am lacking, although I keep my eye on my guy and observe and wonder.

Have I gone off the rails here? Gone places you weren't intending? Sorry...

Al, I'll have to check out that book soon. Sounds pretty swell. Another book I enjoyed was A Life In The Arts, even though the main benefit to my life for that one was to get me out of the arts... at least for now.

Rokk, I wanted to focus on one particular part of your post for a moment. The way you talk about your partner makes me wonder if he isn't something of a guru for you in a way. Maybe not, but I think in any talk of religion, the question of a teacher-disciple relationship is worth discussion, because it is quite emblematic of all religions. Whether it be a pastor, a motivational guide, a teacher, a friend, or an employer, we all have (or desire to have, because I think this is part of human nature) someone we can look to who understands life better than we do. Someone who perhaps has been through the things we have been through and understands not only what we're going through, but the path to get where we would like to go.

It really feels good to follow another, to relinquish some of your autonomy to their wisdom. And yet in this impulse sometimes bad things happen. Waco. Al-Qaeda. When followers relinquish their independence to leaders who are basically evil and self-serving, great tragedies occur.

So that's the dark side of the guru relationship. But there's plenty of light to be had from it too. It is wonderful to be able to go to someone you trust deeply for guidance.

I guess my point is that it's hard to make any headway into matters of religion on your own. We all need guides in our lives. And an integral part of religion is relinquishing part of your autonomy to said guide, which is generally a blissful, though scary experience. This is what occurs in the conversion experience for Christians, for example. Though it's not isolated to Christians - I know some people who have converted to Bill Phillips' Body-For-Life program with religious zeal that would make lots of evangelicals a bit jealous. And don't even get me started on the church of Tony Robbins...

I guess where I am right now is that it's very hard for me to submit to that type of relationship. So in effect, it's very hard for me to submit to overt religion in my life. I doubt, and I analyze. I scrutinize religious people for signs of weaknesses which will eliminate them from contention in my search for role models. I do this because I am deeply afraid of giving myself over to something and being led down a path which will eventually lead to misery.

The rest of this is personal, but you asked. Well, my dad was a Southern Baptist preacher. I was brought up in an atmosphere of continual devotion and complete submission to the will of God, which of course has a tendency to be interpreted by whoever is one's spiritual guide. Anyway, we listened only to Christian music, read only Christian books, talked about the life and teachings of Jesus and how, being blessed with the knowledge of salvation, we were to share the gospel with everyone we came across and pray for the souls of the lost.

Looking back, there were so many things about growing up in such an ecstatic religious environment that were quite wonderful. I learned to trust people. I got a great early education in the principles of logic and reason (C.S. Lewis, among others). And I grew up with the rationale that God loved me in a personal and intimate way, which was why he sent Jesus to die for our sins. Because he who was sinless atoned for our evils, we are redeemed into eternal life.

Of course, the nagging flaw in the Christian's logic is how a just, loving, and merciful God can condemn everyone else to Hell. For my Dad, it was easy. He felt that for the non-Christian, God takes off the New Testament hat of love and mercy and puts on the Old Testament hat of vengeance. This served a double purpose: scaring people into belief and scaring believers into continued belief. But that was my Dad for you. He was good at the hellfire and brimstone stuff.

But life was good, and I believed as well and as truly as a boy can believe in anything. I did my best to honor God with my life. And about age 11, I started to notice men. I started to think about men in a sexual way. There was a beautiful clarity to the way I felt about men which rivaled the beautiful clarity of my religious purpose. There was profundity in my sexual identity as well. So even as on the one hand I was awakening to my adult form, on the other hand, there was a child who would kneel next to his bed night after night, shaking in fear and praying over and over, "Please God don't let me be gay. Please God don't let me be gay. Please God don't let me be gay..."

As people, we deal with what we think is right, and we deal with what we think is wrong, but the thing which is hardest to reconcile is when right and wrong comes mailed to us in the same package, like a great big existential Oreo cookie. This creates conflict, cognitive dissonance, and it wounds us more deeply in our soul than anything else. When I eventually came out to my family, it created a dissonance. How could I, who was raised and nurtured in a way of life to whom homosexuality was an anathema, turn my back on my upbringing? My family could not come to grips with the concept of a gay son who could still uphold the things he had been taught all his life. Since who I was becoming stood in direct contradiction with the image my family had for me, I was given a choice. My family and my religious identity, or my sexuality.

I chose my sexuality.

However, in that choice, another cognitive dissonance emerged. You see, in so choosing, I had purposed to be a light to others. To show through my example how one could be gay and could be a Christian. To share this good news with others. However, as my family continued to stand against me, I began to feel the same way about my family that they had felt about me. How could a family that purports to believe in God's infinite mercy and grace turn their back on their firstborn son, who had followed their ways all his life? This dissonance weighed on me for years. It hurts when you believe in something that your family believes in, yet the belief that you and they share is what is causing them to turn against you and to condemn you. I couldn't deal with it. I decided to shut myself off from the intense pain I was feeling and become agnostic.

Over time, my family and I have found some common ground, though things are still very strained. However, I began to find my way back through grace and forgiveness. Grace, because I am beginning to be able to see in my family the qualities of love and devotion we shared once again. Grace, because my family is beginning to be able to see in me the son and brother who is still very much the same son and brother they once knew. Forgiveness, because that is what had to happen for grace to take hold. And I begin to see how my story is paralleling the story of Jesus. Death, and resurrection. Forgiveness. Grace, through faith.

I still don't know who I am yet. I wonder if I ever will. Maybe that's just part of it. However, I know that I'm not alone. It's this belief, and the fact that through grace and forgiveness I have been able to build bridges that I thought were forever burned, that leads me to think that someday I will be able to find my way back to the peace and joy I felt as a kid in my religion, even if the belief system I find as an adult is divergent to that of my childhood.

Sometimes the ruby slippers you had on the whole time really can lead you back to where you started, though you've never quite the same.

Thank you for sharing your story, Jeff. I find it very interesting that, in spite of your family's reaction, you did not turn your back on Christianity entirely. I also think it commendable that you recognize that faith is still part of you.

You've given me a lot to think about in terms of the dissonance between a family's beliefs and the reality facing certain members. My own experiences were not as dramatic or as shattering as yours, but I, too, experienced such a dissonance. I even left the church for many years before finding my way back. I came to realize that there are many ways to worship God, and that I had to find a way that was right for me.

I also want to say that I've read both Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen and The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, and found them both insightful and helpful in numerous ways. Cameron's book got me back in the practice of writing again on a regular basis. I've reread Osteen's book numerous times and have shared it with family and friends. It is very helpful in seeing how God can turn "bad" events in our lives into something greater, and how our attitude can often determine whether we cope with life or not.

Another book I've gleened insight from is Dr. Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention. It is a bit too New Agey in some places, but his thesis is that we create the world we live in by focusing on what we want to create and not on the problems we encounter. Powerful stuff.