Legion World Forums LEGION OUTPOST Mission Monitor Board Every 10 Years Forum Advice needed

I'd really appreciate some advice guys on a personal matter, and knowing the honesty and good nature of the posters on this site I thought I'd try here.

I have a friend who is having an affair with a married man. Nothing too shocking there I know only I really strongly dislike the guy! He is trash! She though has been lonely for quite a few years despite being one of the most beautiful people (in any respect) imagineable. Now I try to keep out their way, have told my friend that although I don't personally see the attraction I'll support her choices and have tried to be supportive to her. She is a very very dear friend and I'm more than adult enough to be able to put my feelings about her choice of fellow behind me when we talk.

There are complications though. The guy in question is my boss and it has caused some rather awkward situations at work where I've went looking for help and due to, I don't know, embarrassment - on his behalf - I've ended up not getting the help that previously I would have relied upon. When they first got together I spoke to him and told him quite up front that I did not want to know any information and would not be prepared to discuss it at work or be their messenger service. I'm not getting in the middle!

It is getting very uncomfortable to be around him though as there are constant winks and smirks when we bump into each other (as we do a lot!) yet it's impossible to talk shop to him any more.

Oh, I didn't say, the person in question is one of my lodgers so lives in the house with me so I have little chance of avoiding them when they have their little rendezvouses. I've tried staying out and have even dragged Alan and Ol away for the night down to Brighton to give them space and also avoid the awkwardness of having that snake sit and smirk at us in our own front room.

Am I just jealous that the friend of mine is less exclusively mine? I am worrying that I'm over reacting to a situation. If she was seeing someone else would I object so much? I really don't know.

Ultimately, she is one of my very dearest friends and I do want to see her happy, which she does seem to be when she's with him.

What should I do?

YOW! Is that a tough one! You've got your own space-opera right on your doorstep.

Binger, I don't know at all what I'd do or recommend in that situation. Your friend & your boss are putting you in a difficult position - as a friend, she should be aware of this. Even if you liked the guy and approved of the relationship, it would be uncomfortable for you. And why should you be obligated to leave your own house for them?!?! Tell her to get a hotel room. Nicely.

Other than that...wait and hope it falls apart, as these affairs with married people tend to do?

The work situation is harder to deal with, unless he's overtly doing things to block you or interfere with your own job. When you first spoke to him about not getting in the middle, was he receptive or understanding? I would think it's in his interests to keep you on side, if he's to be cold and calculating about continuing this relationship with your friend. Is there anyone else at work you could turn to for help or advice - usually dangerous to go above your boss for help, but someone else you could trust?

Leaving your home to give them space implies that you approve of the relationship. If your friend doesn't respect your feelings enough to take her affair elsewhere, then I would question just how much of a friend she really is.

You might tell her, politely, that you are very uncomfortable with this situation, and that you value her friendship, even if you don't admire what she's doing. For the sake of your friendship, she should take her rendezvous elsewhere or move.

Your boss is a very delicate situation. I think you did the right thing by telling him up front that you do not want to be caught in the middle of it. I hope he respects your position, but, if he's cheating on his wife, I can't imagine him taking your (or anyone's) feelings into account. His winking at you suggests that he enjoys having a "secret" between the two of you. Under no circumstances would I encourage him by winking back or otherwise letting on that I approve of what he's doing.

Is it possible for you to seek another job, just in case the feces hits the fan, as it usually does when an extramarital affair is involved?

Harbi, I'm sorry to hear about your problem. You of all people don't deserve this!

That said, I'm at a loss as to what to do too. But FC and HWW give sound advice- as do many others here. Whatever you do, I wish you the best and hope it'll all be resolved well.

I'll have to echo Cramer's and Wanderer's comments. You've tried talking to your boss, and based on how he behaves toward you at work, he seems to be a pretty big horse's ass! So I don't know if talking to him again will accomplished anything. Like Wanderer wrote, at the workplace you have to be the professional and not reciprocate (or even acknowledge!) his adolescent displays.

You DO need to speak to your friend and tell her what's going on at work, not as an attempt to break up the affair (that actually would probably make your work environment even worse) but to get her to make some changes in their affair so that it doesn't affect you. Your friend needs to understand how her affair is affecting your life both at work and at home. If she doesn't make an attempt to alleviate the situation (the very least she can do is not bring your boss back to your house), then, as Wanderer wrote, she isn't your friend.

Hope things get better.

Thank you all.

I agree that the situation needs to be spelt out more to each party. They both know that while I don't really care who sleeps with who - we're all adults and can decide who they want to spend their time with - there are consequences to take into account.

I spoke to my friend last night and hopefully we can move on from here. Although I didn't ask her not to invite him here - it is her home too! - we have come to an arrangement.

The boys are going to be disappointed that there won't be any more unexpected trips down to the coast though And actually, so am I We'll just have to do it without alterior motives next time!

Wow, this sounds like something more than I'm ready to handle, B! Tough situation, so hopefully it'll work out--you and your husband are in a tough spot, but it sounds like you've been able to figure things out a little.

What's Sonnie's opinion on the matter ?

Binger,

Like everyone else says this is a tricky one. You are caught between you friendship and your boss. You say it has changed your relationship with him at work and this could be a future problem. But you have to go with what your heart, if not your gut, feelings are. I’m glad you have talked to your friend about this as it may be that she was honestly unaware of your feelings about this man.

If you need to come here just to let off steam it’s a good place.

As the great Scottish proverb goes -

If at first you don't succeed
Pull his scrotum ower his heid.

Regardless of how things turn out, you could start working right now on the script for 'Binger's Boarders.