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Prologue

*****An Excerpt from Lardlad's Diary*****

June 23, 3007

Hi! It's been over two months since my last entry, but SO much has happened! First and foremost, the LMB has reformed! And together we've defeated Time Mouse Trapper once and for all! It's really quite wonderful to be with all my old friends again. Right now, we're refurbishing the old HQ and reestablishing our interplanetary ties with law enforcement. Helen and the twins remain in GusCrek, though. I go home every weekend, but it's hard to be away. I'm still trying to convince her to relocate to Earth. We'll see...

One thing bothers me, though, from one of the stops during our re-formation. When we went to pick up Shady at the Shadowplay in Candlelight Lounge, Lash and I ran into Pru, a.k.a. Hummer Lass. It had been so long since I'd seen Pru, and I was totally unprepared when I did. I found out she is selling her special "services" there. And I've been unable to think of little else during those quiet moments when I'm not working to rebuild the LMB.

I know what you're thinking, diary. You're thinking, "Lardy, it's not HER you can't get off your mind, but what she's done to you in the past and what she can STILL do for you!" No, diary. Believe it or not, I have real feelings for Pru. I feel sorry for her, and I care about her. It bothered me that she's still doing the same thing she did all those years ago. I always thought she'd eventually move beyond that and finally become her own person. But she hasn't.

I remember when I first really began to empathise with Pru. It was the one-and-only time we'd ever captured her. We kept her in the LMB holding cell while she awaited extradition to Planetary Court for her crimes. I visited her, and with that energy shield separating us, we had no choice but to talk for a change. She seemed so lonely and afraid and helpless. I tried to tell her that everything would be alright, and she started crying. I turned off the shield, went in the cell and held her. She cried on my shoulder and started pouring out her life story. Some parts were so painful that she couldn't bear to tell me. I was deeply touched and shed a few tears myself. Finally, I told her that she was free to go. I implored her to use this new lease on life to better herself. She told me she would and thanked me profusely. After one final embrace, she left.

That was the last time I saw her before a couple of months ago. I took a lot of heat for letting her go. This happened shortly before White Twilight and helped to seal my departure from the LMB at that event's conclusion. I read the news omnicoms regularly and saw no mention of Pru at all. I thought that was proof she had taken my advice until I saw her recently.

It was such a bizarre experience! She behaved even more vampy than she had in our earliest meetings. She "Lardy-Baby"-ed me to death, made references to my size down there and psyched me out. What was more bizarre was how I reacted just like I did when I was younger. I lusted over her and had to force myself not to submit to her advances. If Lash wasn't there, I might very well have done so!

That has made me feel so guilty. I am after all extremely happily married to my wonderful Helen. And I have my two wonderful boys. I feel guilty even writing about this!

But I have to pursue this further. There was something I can't quite put my finger on that bothers me about this. Beyond my disappointment that she didn't change. Beyond my guilt over my lustful thoughts. Something else else was just not right about Pru, and I have to find out what it was. Out of respect for what was honest and pure that Pru and I shared in that cell, I have to help her. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't make sure.

Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to the one person who may be able to provide some insight into what Pru's been up to: Shady. Wish me luck, diary. I'm gonna need it!

*****End Diary Excerpt*****

Part One

Lard Lad gave a gentle knock on Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass's office door then walked in. He was a little shocked, but not totally surprised, to see Beagle Boy in there feeding her grapes.

"Uh, 'scuse me," Lardy interrupted.

"Oh! Lardy...what can I do for you?" Shady asked a little embarrassed.

"Er, I need to talk to you," he glanced at Beagle, "in private."

Beagle saw the urgency in his old friend's eyes, "no problemo, Lard-man. I was just leaving anyway!" Beagle then hastily gathered up the large tray of grapes and headed out the door. As he left he queried, "later, Shady?"

"Definitely!" she answered. Her tone changed to minor annoyance as she turned to her fellow LMB founder. "This better be important, Lardy! I was due for some pampering, after all!"

"I'm sorry, Shady...I wouldn't have interrupted if I felt it was unimportant."

"Go ahead, Lardy," she said, softening.

He took a seat and pulled it up to her desk. Many LMBers solicited advice from her so often that they had eventually made it an official function by building her the office into LMB HQ. Lard Lad took a deep breath then began. "Shady...Candace...I've come to ask you about Hummer Lass."

"Hummer Lass? HUMMER LASS?! GRIFE! How DARE you interrupt one of the first leisurely evenings I've had in MONTHS to come talk about your perennial obsession with Hummer Lass!" All the softness in her voice was replaced by an infrequently-displayed rage that was startling to behold.

"Wait a minute, Shady...It is not like that! I'm concerned about her!"

"CONCERNED about Pru? Since when have either you or any of the other males here been concerned about her? Haven't had your "fix" from her in a while?"

"NO! Calm down...please. Let me explain! There's something that happened long ago that I never fully explained to any LMBer. Let me tell you, now..."

Lard Lad began to recount the incident of Hummer Lass's brief incarceration. The common belief among the LMB was that he had released her in exchange for her special kind of "bribe". He had never confirmed or denied that part; the incident was so personal to him that he'd never cared to share it with another soul. Now, for the first time, he was confiding in a friend.

Shady could see the sincerity in her old friend's eyes and hear it in his voice. She was a little ashamed at how she'd lashed out at him moments ago. Mostly, she was moved by the depth of his feelings and empathy for a woman most thought was trash.

As he concluded the account, Lard Lad related the incident that occurred as the LMB was reforming. "So I hadn't seen Pru at all 'til I saw her at the Shadowplay in Candlelight Lounge a couple of months ago. She obviously hadn't changed her ways. In fact she seemed more vampy and more distant than ever."

"Yes...yes," Shady responded contemplatively, "as I told you after you and Lash got me to rejoin the LMB, I had opened the bar/bordello to help people like Pru. I gave them a place to stay and continue their lifestyles in exchange for their agreeing to let me give them counseling."

"What were your findings with Pru?"

"Well...she was a very recent arrival to the establishment, so I only had a couple sessions with her..."

"And?"

"And I didn't get very far with her. But I did make some observations."

"Such as?"

"They disturbed me, that's for sure! The first thing I noticed was that she seemed no different as far as personal mature growth is concerned. She was essentially unchanged--same basic attitude and everything."

"But there was more?"

"Yes...when I reached out to her with my morale-boosting powers, they had absolutely no effect!"

"None?"

"None at all. It was as if there was something blocking them. My power can usually reach into even the most depressed mind and have at least some positive effect."

"Have you seen something like this before?"

"Yes. On occasion."

"Like what?"

"Like when the subject was synthetic...or under the influence of various mind-altering agents--hypnosis, deep brainwashing, certain drugs...that sort of thing?"

"Could one of those be involved?" Lard Lad asked intensely.

"Yes, quite possibly. This was definitely Pru, not some android or construct. Given her line of work, I'd guess that Pru is probably on drugs."

Lardy shuddered. "Oh, grife! Poor Pru! If this is true, it's bigger than I ever suspected!"

"Yes it is if that is the case."

"I've got to get to the Lounge quickly to find out if that's the case!"

Shady interjected. "Whoa, Lardy! Not so fast! You see, the Shadowplay in Candlelight Lounge has been closed for a few weeks now."

"Closed?"

"Yes. While we were gone for weeks reforming the LMB and defeating Time Mouse Trapper, the Lounge fell into disarray. Soon it was raided by the vice squad which found numerous violations. They made several arrests and closed the place down. That's what I found when we came back!"

"Oh," Lardy pondered, "did they arrest Pru?"

"Yes, but she was bailed out the next day. I don't know where she went after that."

"Oh, man...how will I ever find her?"

"Well, I DO have the address of someone who might know! A longtime friend of hers..." Shady said, her own morale boosting.

"BJ Boy!" Lardy exclaimed. "If anyone would know where to find Pru, it'd be him!"

"Yep," Shady confirmed, "here's the address, Lardy." She handed the slip with the address to him.

Lardy gave Shady a peck on the cheek in response and told her, "Shady, you're the greatest!"

"So I'm told, Lardy...so I'm told."

"Thanks, Shady. I'm gonna go there immediately!" He bolted out the door.

Shady yelled so he could hear her, "good luck, Lardy!" She paused for a minute contemplating the sweetness of her old friend's mission. The next minute she pressed a button on the intercom and playfully whispered into the comlink, "Beagle-sweety, Shady's ready for the rest of her treat..."

Part Two

Lard Lad soon found himself outside the building with the address Shady'd provided. He scratched his head and looked at the address again. He wondered if Shady could've been mistaken; the building was in a very affluent neighborhood. He would not have expected a prostitute to have such fine digs.

Shrugging, Lardy entered the building and boarded the turbolift. When the computer asked whom he wished to visit, Lardy replied "Bygg Jonson". After a brief pause, the lift proceeded and lifted him all the way to the top of the building.

"The penthouse? BJ Boy lives in the penthouse of this swanky place? Guess someone rich is keeping him for his services. What other explanation could there be?"

As he finished the sentence, Lardy realized the turbolift had reached its destination. He got off the lift and prepared to buzz the occupant, but the door slid open before he could do so. Cautiously, he walked in, poised with the Lard Force in case this was a trap. A figure stepped forward. It was BJ Boy, alright. Sort of.

"Lard! How're you doing, guy? I was quite surprised when the lift computer identified you as my visitor. After all, you always preferred Pru, if you know what I mean! I always kept to the, er, other side of the rainbow." BJ's demeanor was friendly and welcoming. Strange since Lardlad had never even spoken to him before.

Lardy stood agape for a moment. Bygg was wearing a very expensive-looking robe. He'd never seen BJ Boy wear anything but bright-colored spandex. Now, he seemed dressed more as you might expect a wealthy man to dress for bed. AND BJ was now almost completely bald except for two patches on the sides. Gone completely were his trademark long, golden locks! He looked so normal and so...unglamorous!

After the moment passed, Lardy said, "I know what you mean, BJ. I'm here to talk to you..."

"About Pru?" BJ interrupted.

"Yes. Pru." As he said this, Lardlad looked around in wonder at the sprawling, elegant penthouse.

"But you also are curious as to how 'BJ Boy' got a flat like this, right?"

Lardy nodded.

"Probably thought I was someone's boytoy, eh?"

Lardy's blush was all Bygg needed for confirmation.

"I get that a lot! No, that's not how it happened. Once I got out of that wild phase of my life that the LMB knows firsthand, I found I had a remarkable gift for haute couture and founded a VERY profitable fashion design house."

Lardy looked confused and said, "but when Lash and I saw Pru recently at the place she "worked" out of, she told Lash that BJ Boy was upstairs if Lash was interested."

"Well, when I broke off our "team", Pru found another guy to be 'BJ Boy'. She just couldn't deal with the breakup--so she enlisted another partner, a BJ Boy II if you will. I haven't been in that biz for several years now since I broke into fashion!"

"I see."

"So are you looking for Pru for her...services?"

"NO! I'm trying to help her! I'm worried about her!" Lardy said with guilty indignance.

"Alright, alright. Calm down. I believe you."

"Y-you do?"

"Yes. Pru once told me about what happened at the LMB holding cell."

"She did? What did she say?"

"She told me everything that happened. She was very touched."

"I thought it was the beginning of a new life for her."

"She honestly wanted it to be, Lard. She did. But Pru's problems are so deep that wanting to just didn't cut it."

Lardy took a deep breath and asked, "Is Pru on drugs?"

"Definitely! In fact she's on several."

"But she hasn't always been...right?"

"Correct--she only started a couple years ago. First, it was just the occasional experimentation. Then, it just grew and grew until it was out of control."

"Why did she start?"

BJ was visibly shaken and had to sit down. Then, he continued. "Probably several things: her personal let-down at not being able to change, my leaving the "team", and the LMB's breakup. She so loved those adventures! Other unknown factors also probably were involved. You see, Pru and I were very different people."

"How so? You both seemed to want the, er, same thing."

"Yes, but for different reasons. I was a young adult looking for a good time! I was all about being outrageous, daring, and naughty. I saw it as a way to meet guys. For Pru, there was something else..."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure, Lard. She's never opened up to me, her best friend, about it. I mean, think about it: Pru was and still IS technically a virgin! Isn't that strange?"

"Um, yes..."

"Even back then I wasn't. I was a young man sowing my wild oats. Sure, I specialized in the same thing she did, but I DID go 'all the way' quite frequently. I was just a wildchild fixated on the sexual aspect of relationships. This is not all that uncommon for a young man of any orientation. But Pru was obsessed by what she was doing. She never got any closer than that act. It's obvious to me that she was and is, in fact, AFRAID of real intimacy!"

Lardy was feeling a little uncomfortable, being somewhat a prude at his core, especially as he matured. But he understood what BJ was saying. "And you don't know why she's this way?"

"No, I don't. I know her better than anyone in the galaxy, but I don't know that much. She even keeps a certain distance from me. BUT I have a feeling you may be the only person who can find out!"

"Why me?"

"Because, 'Lardykins', she's always seemed to have a softspot for you! You were always her most frequent "victim", after all, and it was you she opened up to before. You really affected her more than you'll ever know."

"Honestly," Lardy admitted, "she affected me, too. I was deeply troubled after I saw her a few weeks ago. Couldn't get her off my mind. I'd always hoped she'd bettered herself after the talk at the cell. I couldn't live with myself until I got to the bottom of this all."

"Good, good. She needs someone desperately, or she may not survive the drug abuse long. Since we broke up, she won't let me in anymore. I mean, I see her occasionally in amicable situations, but she won't open up or let me help her. Some mutual acqaintances were the ones who confirmed my suspicions of drug abuse. She hid it from me profusely!"

"BJ, do you know where I can find her?"

"Yes, Lard. Those mutual acquaintances help me keep tabs on her. She currently lives at the Vagabond Motel on 5th Street."

"Thanks, BJ. I'll go there immediately!"

"Please help her, Lard. Pru is, underneath that trampy veneer, a really sweet girl. I love her like a sister."

"I'll do my very best. I promise!"

From another room, a man's voice called, "Beej-honey! You comin' to bed?"

"Yes, hon! Just a second!" BJ answered. He turned back to Lardy, "That's my husband of three years. Never been happier! Good luck, Lard."

"Thanks, BJ--I'll need it."

Lardy took the turbolift down and wondered how he could ever succeed with Pru where her best friend failed.

Part Three

Lard Lad decided to take the long way to the Vagabond Motel. He could easily have 'ported there instantly via the Lard Force, but he needed time to think. Partly he had to think about what approach he should take with Pru; partly he just had to get up his nerve.

Instead his thoughts drifted toward his past encounters with Hummer Lass. The momentous event at the holding cell was always in his thoughts, as was the chance meeting at the Shadowplay in Candlelight Lounge which set his current quest into motion. But he also found himself thinking of Pru's hilarious catfight with Space Tart, an infamous event in LMB history.

"Ah, Space Tart..." Lardy mumbled. She herself had a long history with the LMB. In a way she was a lot like Hummer Lass: vampy, sexy, flirtacious, a provocative dresser, outrageously feminine. She and Pru could've been quite a team...if only they didn't want to claw each other's eyes out! In the end they were too much alike to ever get along. Each wanted ALL the attention and wouldn't share it with anybody!

Space Tart was the most enduring result of LMB nemesis Salad-Tosser Lord's first diabolical genetic experiment. Early in the LMB's existence, he lured a cruiser with an away team of LMBers aboard who were returning from a mission. He set up a distress signal to lure them to the surface of a desolate planet where he housed a hidden lair beneath the surface. The LMBers present, Lard Lad, Cobalt Kid, Lash Lad, Sharklad, Beagle Boy, and Goon Boy, all seached the planet's surface looking for the source of the distress signal. At one point Salad-Tosser Lord secretly bathed them in a beam that mapped their genetic codes and relayed the information to a clone processing machine, the Diabolical Genetic Mixer. Other than a shared moment of nausea, the LMBers were unaware of what happened. Baffled as to the signal's source, they decided to continue the trip back home.

Meanwhile, far beneath the surface six clones of the heroes grew in tanks over three weeks's time. But these weren't straightforward duplicates of the donor LMBers; Salad-Tosser Lord had engineered them all to be females for his diabolical plan...to have them infiltrate the male-dominated LMB and sow the seeds of discord as the males would fight over the females, and the females would whip the males into submission! (Salad-Tosser Lord was not a particularly politically-correct thinker, understand!) That was the plan, anyway.

As for the clones themselves, the villain had created quite an unusual brew: Goon Boy's duplicate he named Silicon Sandra--she was so well endowed that Salad-Tosser Lord knew no one would believe they were real! In a playful gesture he named Cobalt Kid's genetic spawn Kitty Pryde's Panties--he knew the name would make the silly boys of the LMB want to get into them that much more! LexBose is what he named the female version of Beagle Boy after two components of his Diabolical Genetic Mixer--it's always traditional to name a child after its parents after all. Unexpectedly, Sharklad's duplicate was a female beaver with a tendency for bizarrely murderous behavior--she was christened Psychotic Beaver. The only failure among the six was HUGEMANBREASTS, created from Lard Lad--HMB was a man whose only feminine characteristics were two perfect breasts. Apparently, the wide beam bathed over the away team wasn't wide enough to encompass Lardy's portly form! He would try to pass HMB off as a particularly ugly girl who only had two things to offer (though two marvelous things!).

But the crowning achievement was Space Tart, the product of Lash Lad's genes. She was the most beautiful, the most powerful, the strongest-willed woman of this, or any, group. Salad-Tosser Lord knew his plan would succeed as soon as he layed eyes on this exotic, blue-haired beauty.

However, the poor, naive villain didn't realize that his plan was doomed to fail from its inception. Unbeknownst to him, at least half of the males in the LMB were gay! And the girls and guy weren't exactly team players either.

But Space Tart had a long history with the LMB. She actually served as a member for over a year. And her on-again/off-again torrid relationship with Cobalt Kid was the stuff of legends! A big part of that legend was the infamous scrap with Hummer Lass.

During one of their off-again periods, Cobalt had been occasionally going out with Debauchery Damsel. Few things enraged Space Tart more than Cobalt going out with her. She had become Cobalt's fallback plan during every off-again time. He went out with her more to get Spacey jealous more than anything else. And, boy, did it work!

Space Tart decided to fight fire with fire this time. One night when Debauchery Damsel and Cobalt stumbled into the HQ lounge drunk after a night on the town, she saw her opportunity. She had been having a quiet drink with some of the other members. When she spotted the drunken pair, she quickly grabbed the nearest male to her, Lard Lad, and kissed him passionately. To say Lardy was surprised would be an understatement! But what happened next was even moreso.

Space Tart was just about to release the unwitting LMBer from the embrace to see Cobalt's reaction when she heard a voice boom behind her. "Get away from him!" the voice yelled in anger.

Everyone at the table whirled around to see the source. "Hummer Lass?" the still-dazed Lardlad managed. Sure enough, it was the villainous who often waged guerilla attacks on the straight LMBers.

What followed was the catfight to end all catfights! Hummer Lass yanked the surprised Space Tart out of Lardy's arms with a handful of Spacey's gorgeous blue hair. "Owww! You bitch!" Spacey screamed and jabbed Pru with a powerful backward elbow blow to the stomache. Pru fell backward taking a handful of Spacey's hair with her.

"My hair! You'll pay for that!" Spacey howled and grabbed for Pru's trademark long ponytail. Before she could get a good hold, Pru whirled with a devastating kick to Spacey's face. Spacey fell to the floor in pain. Pru hovered over her preparing to level both of her fists cupped together down on her nemesis. Before she could, Spacey whipped Pru's legs with her own in a sweeping motion. Her legs cut out from beneath her, Pru fell again to the ground.

Everyone stood agape at the table. Shady was horrified. Beagle and Lash were concerned. Lardy was in a state of disbelief. Loser Lad...well he was eating it up, and he rushed to the intercom, never taking his eyes off the spectacle. "Catfight, everyone! Hurry, you'll miss it!" he practically sang over the loudspeaker.

Meanwhile more blows were being traded by the raging combatants. Nails clawed, high heels buckled, and hair was plucked amid the carnage until at last it appeared Space Tart had the upper hand. Pru was crouched on the floor panting. "Give up?" the apparent victor asked out a helping hand.

"Yes...", Pru replied and began to lift a hand, "...in your DREAMS!"

What happened next is legendary...and one of straight men's wildest fantasies! From her crouched position Pru lunged up toward her opponent. In a fluid motion she grabbed the top of Spacey's bodice then shifted her momentum back down. In an instant the sparse coverings were ripped off, and Spacey's bosom, complete with blue highlights on the ends, was exposed for all present to see!

At the moment it happened, the turbolift opened bringing more LMBers just in time for the main event! The MightyFanBoyMan Lad was distinctly heard to say, "Oh my god! I see Space Tart's boo--!" Sasha was stopped from completing his exclamation by an icy glance from Shady.

Then Dean Lee Lad leapt off the turbolift unholstering his sketchbook. "I've GOT to capture THIS!" he said, voice quivering excitedly.

For a moment Space Tart stood there disbelieving. Only for a moment. Then she shrieked, "Why you little--!" and tore off Hummer Lass's bodice with an animal-like violence. Pru reacted very swiftly and leapt on to Spacey with reckless abandon. The two were rolling all over the floor trading blows, pulling hair and raking flesh with sharp fingernails.

Just then, Loser Lad pulled a lever in a secret wall compartment, and suddenly a huge monsoon of mud fell over the wrestlers. They barely noticed.

Lardy whispered to Loser Lad, "there was a secret compartment of mud up there?"

"Yes," his friend answered gleefully, "when I helped design this lounge, I had it put in just in case! Something else else like this has always been one of my wildest fantasies!"

"Ooookay," Lardy answered scratching his head and then thought aloud, "God, I can't believe Hummer Lass started a fight over ME!"

"Aw, Lardy," Loser said matter-of-factly, "surely, you know ol' Pru has ALWAYS had a thing for you? Everybody knows THAT!"
Lardy stood bewildered at the concept. But not so bewildered that he let his eyes wander from the spectacle!

Meanwhile, the fight raged on, and even more articles of clothing were being shed. Just as something X-rated was about to be exposed, another player entered the picture and pulled Pru away from the fray. It was Pru's partner-in-crime, BJ Boy. He took a hold of Pru's wrists, slippery from the mud as they were, even as her fingers tried to claw at the air. Spacey prepared to pounce at her bound opponent but was stopped as Lash Lad wrapped his whip around her. The two practically hissed at each other and struggled to get free to continue.

But BJ began to rise into the air with his captive. "Time for a strategic withdrawal, Pru! Live to fight another day and all that." As they flew out the lounge door, Pru's eyes met Lardy's for a moment. He could see a particular look in her eyes, almost of longing.

Just as they left, Newcru King, Lucien Lad, Tsarin Kid and Looks That Kill Lad exited the turbolift looking particularly happy for some reason. They gazed on the scene and Tsarin said, "did we miss something?"

The incident was water-cooler talk for the LMB for a long time after that. The punchline was that Cobalt had passed out on the floor just after he walked in the door. he never saw the kiss nor the catfight! Space Tart and Hummer Lass would never cross paths again which is probably for the best. Eventually, Spacey would quit the LMB as her relationship with Cobalt finally ended once and for all. She recently participated in the reunion, but opted not to stay on.

Now, as Lardy neared the Vagabond, he thought of that look Pru gave him as her friend spirited her away from the fracas. It was a very particular look, and he'd never before nor ever since seen Pru display such ferocity as she did that day. All apparently because she was enraged by the sight of himself and Space Tart in a passionate embrace.

As he stood outside the entrance of his destination, a disturbing thought occurred to Lardy which he said aloud to fully comprehend it: "Is Hummer Lass in LOVE with me?"

He froze in his steps and lingered outside the doorway for a long time.

Part Four

Lard Lad stood at the door to the Vagabond for what seemed an eternity. He pondered the thought that just wouldn't go away: was Hummer Lass in love with him? If so, how did he feel about that?

His zombie-like state was rudely interrupted as someone stumbled out the door, ran straight into him and plunged the two of them down the stairs leading up to the door. Luckily, the staircase only rose a few feet above the ground. Still, Lardy took the brunt of the fall and yelped in a burst of pain. The person who had inadvertantly caused all this slowly rolled off the bystander and offered a mumbled apology.

"You stupid--!" was Lardy's response to the apology. He failed to finish the insult when he suddenly recognized the person who'd run into him. She was a still-beautiful female despite a pallor to her skin and a hollowness in her eyes. "Pru?" Lardy finally said.

"H-how you know my name?" Hummer Lass mumbled almost unintelligibly. Then a spark of recognition came to those lifeless eyes. "L-lardy?" she said.

"Yes, it's me, Pru. I've come to see you."

"Y-you wan' a pick-me-up?" she responded, trying to put on the old seductive voice she used to excel at.

"No, Pru," Lardy's voice hardened as did his resolve, "I'm here to help you."

"H-help me?" Pru could barely comprehend. Then the question turned into a weak plea as she passed out after whispering "help me..."

Lardy checked Pru's vitals and picked her up. He carried her into the Vagabond and took her to her room. Unlocking the door to her room with a keycard he found in her purse, he gently lay her down on her bed. Then he lay one of his hands on her forehead and the other on her chest and methodically infused Pru with a controlled burst of Lard Force which acted similarly to how a shot of adrenaline would in a hospital. He'd used this application of his power on many occasions and had become quite adept at it.

Pru awoke with a start. "Where am I?" she gasped, chest heaving.

"It's me...Lardy. Remember?"

The disorientation was starting to pass as she looked around and realised she was in her own apartment. "I feel strange...more... clear-headed than usual..." she said.

"I used the Lard Force to revive you," he said gently as he used a wet cloth to wipe her brow. "The effect will wear off soon. And you'll hunger for your drugs again."

Those words shot through her like a bullet. "What are you talking about, Lardy? You have NO right to make those accusations!"

Still speaking calmly and methodically, he responded, "I only said that because i know it's true. If I had any doubts, I knew after I saw you tonight. Besides, the taint I felt within you as I touched you with the Lard Force was unmistakable."

"You and your damned 'Lard Force'! Always so high and mighty about ALL the things you can do with it! About all your teachings as a 'Lard Knight'! You make me want to--" The sentence was completed by the actual act she was about to describe. A stream of bile came out of her mouth 'til there was no more. She continued dry-heaving as Lardy took her hand and then embraced her.

"L-leave me alone, Lardy," she cried. "I d-don't n-need your help!" But all along she grabbed him tighter, as if to let go would cost her her life. Then the tears came. "I need a f-fix Lardy," she said trembling. "I was on my way out to get some more w-when I ran into you. I feel l-like my guts are tearing up ins-side!"

"I know, Pru," he said, still holding her tightly. "I'm going to help you."

"Y-you'll get me some m-more?"

Firmly, he responded, "no. I won't. That wouldn't help you at all. I'm going to get that junk out of you right now!"

"W-what do you mean?"

His silent response was to tighten his grasp of her. Then, he reached out with the Lard Force and did something he never did before. Closing his eyes and concentrating, he reached out with his power to sense the foreign substances polluting Pru's system. The two of them glowed as the power worked. Pru screamed and writhed as she felt something being ripped from her that clearly did not want to loosen its grip one her. She tried to get away, but Lardy's grip only tightened as his resolve grew. The glow became even brighter around the two as every trace of the drugs was located. Once it was all located, the Lard Force began to absorb every bit of the substance it found. Then the glow left Pru and intensified around Lardy. As all the poison that had resided within Hummer lass began to flow into him, Lardy let out a loud pain-filled scream. the scream seemed to go on forever until finally Lardy collapsed. Pru, feeling a sudden shift in her eqilibrium, collapsed as well.

Pru was the first to wake up. She found herself in a hospital bed. She was startled to realise that her head felt clearer than it had in longer than she could remember. Lardy had extracted every bit of the substances she'd slowly been killing herself with from her body. "Lardy!" she gasped. Then, instinctively she whirled her head to her right and saw that he lay on a bed in the same room. Only, he was surrounded by many medical devices, including one that was doing his breathing for him.

"Oh, my God!" she cried, "he absorbed all of that poison I had in me directly into himself! He did that for me! Lord, he can't die for me! He can't!" Tears streamed down her face. Softly, she whispered, "he means more to me than anyone..."

Nurses soon came in and calmed her down. A doctor later visited in and told her she would be fine but would be here for a few days until she got her strength back up. He said that tomorrow she would be moved to another room. When she inquired about her savior, the doctor was very evasive in his answers. He said he could only talk to family members about his patient's condition and that his wife and children were on their way from their distant home. Pru took that information as confirmation of the severity of Lardy's condition.

Later that night, as Pru tossed and turned in her bed, something felt wrong in the dark room. She instinctively looked over at Lardy's bed and saw that he was surrounded by several of the globlike members of the same race as Lardlad's old sidekick, Pro-D.

She focused on one who seemed to be centered among them. A little scared, she finally managed to say, "Pro-D?"

The central glob entity turned toward her and looked at her with little indentions on its featureless face and said, "No. Me not Pro-D." Then it pointed to Lard Lad and said firmly, "THAT Pro-D!"

Pru gasped at the implication.

Part Five

Pru could only sit agape in her hospital bed after the little globlike creature told her what it did. She wondered if some mistake could've been made or if the creature was intentionally deceiving her for some reason. She was too dumbfounded to question the creature further. Instead, she quietly watched as the creatures continued what they were doing.

The seven virtually featureless aliens resumed their quiet semi-circular formation around Lard Lad (or WAS it Lard Lad?). Slowly, their small forms began to glow. Pru noted that the glow was very similar to the one that surrounded her and Lardy (?) when he extracted all the poison from her system. The glow first linked all the aliens then passed on to the comatose patient. The glow seemed to enter his body, and he suddenly looked less pale. Pru saw that the readings on the monitors changed. Even with her rudimentary medical knowledge, she could see that the readings were showing a marked improvement.

Soon, the aliens broke their formation. They seemed noticeably drained but still able to stand. Wordlessly, the seven of them filed out of the room. The last of them, the same that shocked Pru with the revelation, paused long enough to glance at her, as if to plead for her to be understanding and tactful in her handling of the matter. Nonetheless, it paused only briefly and said nothing. Pru understood it's tacit meaning.

The next day, the patient who'd been visited by the seven aliens regained consciousness. The doctors examined him and delighted in what they perceived as a medical miracle. They truly hadn't expected him to live, they explained. Their prognosis was that he'd eventually fully recover but that the recovery would take several months. The patient aknowledged that this was much better than the alternative.

After many tests were run and visits from friends in the LMB, the time came when Pru finally had a chance to speak to her savior privately. For the first time since her hospitalization, she got up out of her bed. She turned on the light, pulled up a chair next to her roommate and said, "wake up 'Lardy'! You've got some 'splainin' to do!"

Reluctantly, he opened his eyes and said, "Pru? What are you talking about?"

"What I'm talking about, 'Lardy', is about who you really are!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean, 'Lardy'...or should I say 'Pro-D'?"

His face suddenly turned pale again as he realized that she knew. There was a long pause before he got up the nerve to say, "you know?"

"I know," she said coldly. "There was NO miracle involved here. Seven of your little friends came here last night and gave you some of their lifeforce. One of them told me who you really are. Because I owe you my life, I didn't spill the beans. Yet. Now, tell me why I shouldn't tell the world!"

"Okay, Pru...in a way it's a relief to finally tell someone after over five years..."

"Five years? You've been disguised as Lardy for five years?"

"Disguised is not the proper term...I've BEEN Lard Lad in every way that matters since I took his form...since he died."

"'Died'? Lardy's dead?" She had to fight back the tears really hard.

"Yes, Pru...he died during the event the media dubbed 'White Twilight'."

"No, he didn't die..."

"...Pro-D did," the erstwhile Lard Lad completed her sentence for her. "That's what the history books say, anyway."

"Yes," Pru remembered, "it was reported that Pro-D sacrificed his life to destroy the Entropy Spinach and prevent it from devouring the sun! That was when Lardy decided to quit the LMB!"

"Only it wasn't me, Pro-D, who died...it was Lard Lad," he answered, beginning to sob. "I tried to to it, but Lard Lad wouldn't let me...he shunted me aside with the Lard Force and charged headlong into the entity with the Order Bomb fashioned by Tsarin Kid..."

The storyteller couldn't continue for a while as the grief all came back to him. The tears poured down his cheeks. Pru fought as hard as she could, but the tears came to her as well.

When she saw he was regaining his composure, she pressed further. "Why...," she began slowly with a hint of anger lacing her words, "why did you decide to assume Lardy's identity?"

He paused for a long moment, gathering his thoughts. Finally he said, "It was a kneejerk reaction, an act of denial of sorts. I didn't want the greatest friend I'd ever had to be dead. It was just too horrible to accept. Lard Lad...Anthony had done so much for me in my life that I couldn't bear to live without my friend...who'd given his life to save my meager one. He was more than a friend to me...he was like a father." Again he paused as the raw emotion poured over him.

"So..?" Pru pressed him to continue.

"So..my race obviously has the ability to change it's shape...but if we choose, we can also permanently assume any form we want."

"And you chose to become Lardy?"

"Yes...only when we will this particular transformation, it's final...and it goes deeper than just the superficial...the physical assumption."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...that once a member of my race chooses to permanently take a form...it literally becomes that form through and through...meaning I am Lardlad in every meaningful way. Not even the most sophisticated scientific tests would uncover anything but human physiology. More important, I have all of his memories, his emotions, his powers...everything."

"I don't buy that for a second!"

"Don't you? It is Lard Lad's feelings for you, his empathy and his love, that drove me to help you when I realised what had happened to you. Those feelings wouldn't let
me ignore your plight...they hounded me until I did something!"

"His...love?" Pru was barely able to whisper.

"Yes," he said firmly, "I now realise that he...that we...love you. I'm not sure of the exact definition of this love...as he wasn't...but I'm sure that he loved you on some level. I think it may be reciprocated, too."

"I-I don't know. I'm not sure what love is, really," Pru said. She found herself wanting to change the subject. "Um...so does anyone else know?"

"No. You're the first not of my race to know. In fact I didn't know for a long while after my assumption of my friend's identity. Shortly after I left the LMB because I didn't want to deceive any of his/my friends, my old personality completely submerged, and all memory of being Pro-D disappeared. It wasn't until about three years after the event that I remembered. You see, my race senses when a member permanently assumes a form. Our ruling council sends seven representatives--the same seven you saw last night, I'd wager--to remind the transformed of his heritage. From then on, the truth is remembered, but the new form's consciousness is still dominant. My life as Pro-D is remembered more from Lard Lad's perspective than my own."

"What about Helen?"

Those words sliced through him. "I pursued and married Helen before I remembered the truth. We also had the twins before this. I...know I have to tell Helen someday...but I'm afraid of losing her so much."

Pru was definitely softening. She believed the changeling's story, and more importantly, the emotions behind it.

The two were silent for a long time, perhaps mourning the fallen hero they mutually admired so much.

Unexpectedly, it was Lard Lad/Pro-D who broke the silence with a stark change of subject as he said, "Now, it's YOUR turn, Pru."

"My turn?" she repled, shocked. "What do you mean? I AM Hummer Lass, trust me!"

"Yes, I know you are...what I don't know is why you didn't take the second chance Lardlad gave you and why, instead, you fell into the abyss of drug addiction!"

Pru shuddered and felt shame enshroud her. "I don't know," she said, head hung.

"Well," he said confidently, "we're gonna figure it out!"

Conclusion

Pru wanted to run and hide. It was one thing to be the one interrogating, but to have the tables turned was another thing entirely.

"Well?" the erstwhile Pro-D pressed.

"I don-don't want to talk about it!"

"Do you think I wanted to spill my guts out about the greatest shame in my life?" He waited a moment for a response. The only one he got was a bowed head. So he continued, "I didn't! Not at all! I've tried to forget about it--pretend it wasn't true. But it was. And you know what?" He paused again. "It felt damn good to FINALLY tell someone!" He grew quiet after that. The excitement was getting to him. He had to rest.

An eternity seemed to pass until at last Pru spoke barely above a whisper. "Okay, I'll try to explain...if I can. But the memories are so painful..."

Her hospital mate softened, "Listen, Pru...I'm sorry. If it's too painful, you don't have to tell."

"Oh, it's definitely too painful, but...you're right--I have to tell it to someone...at long last."

She paused as if to gather her thoughts. Then she began, "first I want you to know that what you--what Lardy--did for me WAS very powerful to me. For a while afterwards, I tried as hard as I possibly could to leave the life I'd been leading. I wanted to so bad but couldn't. I guess the breaking point came when I met a guy who treated me well. Just as the relationship was getting serious, I freaked."

"By getting serious, you mean...?"

"Yes," she replied as tears began to form, "that's what I mean. But I couldn't! My first impulse was to do what I'm famous for, and when that impulse came to me, I was repulsed by myself and ran. I ran and ran and ran. Ultimately, I ran back to being Hummer Lass. And then I ran to the drugs. And I guess it's the only thing that made me able to live with myself..."

The tears came hard and fast then. her companion--Pro-D? Lard Lad? Lar-D?--reached his hand out to her. She cried as he held her for a long, painful time.

As her crying finally eased off, her comforter asked Pru, "why do you think it is you had to run?"

"Lardy," she responded, "what do you know about my background?"

"Not much," he said thoughtfully, "your true name, Prudence Goodwyfe...how you acquired your powers...just the stuff in the LMB file."

"Nothing about my childhood?"

"No, not at all."

Taking a deep gulp to bring up her nerve, Pru continued, "I'm sure you've wondered why I have such an odd name."

Lard Lad nodded.

"It's a fairly common name where I come from. You see, I come from a very small planetoid colonized by a religious sect from Earth. The sect is extremely traditional in the sense that they believe technology is evil and that living through your own hard work is the way to live and be close to God."

"Oh!" he interjected, "you mean like the Amish!"

"Yes," she confirmed, "we were very similar to the Amish, though perhaps we were even more hardcore in our isolationist philosophy. The one and only time our people used technology was when we commissioned a spacecraft to transport us to the isolated planetoid we settled. Our people had grown so frustrated with the burdgeoningly technologically expansive Earth that we decided to get out any way we could!"

"I see," said her listener with rapt attention.

"Mine was the first generation born to our new home, which was christened simply "Home". As with any society, however...there were...exceptions to our ideal." She choked up then and had to pause.

He queried, "exceptions?"

"Y-yes, Lardy...no matter how good people are as a whole...there are always...rotten ones among us. In this case there was...my father." She had to stop again.

"Your father?"

"He was pure evil...I know this now. When we were alone...starting at a very young age...he made me...made me..."

As her tears renewed, he suddenly realised what she was trying to say. "Oh...no," he managed. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about the atrocity. Nothing could be more tragic than the exploitation of innocence.

"You s-see, Lardy," she continued, "THAT is how I was taught to express love...and it was a long time before I realised it was wrong..."

"And," he gently finished for her, "that's why you became who you did. God, I could kill him and others like him! It's the worst kind of evil!" The rage he was feeling made the tears seem hot.

She hardened noticeably, "too late. One day, one of our people saw firsthand what was happening. They burned my father at the stake. They almost did the same to me, falsely thinking I was just as in the wrong. Instead, they contacted a transport to take me away. I ended up in an Earth orphanage 'til I ran away and eventually met Bygg. My people never explained to me what was wrong, much less gave me counseling for it. I was just too naive and innocent and unworldly to know better. So..."

"...you associated love with what you did with your father. It's so terrible!"

"Yes...I didn't realise that 'til that day when you--when Lardy--helped me at the LMB lockup. For the first time I felt true warmth for somebody...I got a taste of what a loving relationship was really supposed to be like. And when I explored the relationship with the guy I told you about, I was still ill-equipped emotionally to deal with it. So I went back to what I knew and used the drugs to bury the guilt over doing that."

"If I...if Lard Lad had any idea what you'd gone through, I...he would've done more than just send you out on your own."

"Don't blame yourself, Lardy, you didn't know. And I sure didn't TELL you!"

She walked up to him and leaned over him, resting on his chest. They held each other a long time. Each had revealed the darkest secret long held inside themselves. It was a draining experience but, ultimately, a much needed catharsis necessary to help them deal with the weights on their shoulders.


The days ahead would be extremely rough. 'Lardy' told first Helen, then his friends in the LMB, his secret. The LMB was surprised but ultimately supportive.

Helen was shocked and separated from her husband immediately thereafter. Presently, they are working on a reconciliation. He has resigned from the LMB and devoted himself full-time to rebuilding their relationship and their family. Things are looking good on that front.

Pru, at long last, went into intense psychotherapy. Her progression was gradual, not without some setbacks, but is going very well, especially with the steadfast support of B.J. and 'Lardy'. She hasn't yet entered ito any romantic relationship. So she's still technically a virgin.

EPILOGUE

Six months later, Ample Man sits on monitor duty in LMB headquarters. Rather, Ample Man is fast asleep at the monitor station he's supposed to be studying carefully!

A warning light goes off on the Known Threats board. After no one responds to the warning light, a pre-set alarm goes off. The alarm, recorded by Shady in her own voice yells, "WAKE UP, SWEETIE! THE MONITOR BOARD NEEDS YOUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION!"

Amp wakes with a start, "wha?" Slowly becoming reoriented, he identifies which monitor is signaling and presses the appropriate button. Seconds afterward, a recording from a news report comes up and plays. A reporter is seen standing amidst an alien landscape that has clearly been devastated.

"This is Yvn Dvrttz, reporting from the planet Llllghhk! I'm on the scene of a terrible disaster that happened just hours ago! But this is no natural disaster! Eyewitnesses claim that a menace long thought dead is responsible. It's unconfirmed, but everyone here claims it was the handiwork of none other than the ultimate destroyer known as--the Entropy Spinach!"

Amp's jaw drops, "oh *&^%! The Entropy Spinach?" he exclaimed with uncharacteristic vulgarity, "Man, we're in for it now! Better sound the alarm!" As his finger presses the button, another thought occurs to him that he has to voice, "but if the Spinach is alive after all...could Lard Lad be alive as well?"


THE END?