Kenaustin looked up from the Mission Monitor Board toward the control-room door sliding open and smiled as Exnihil entered.
"Hey... there he is! I was starting to get a little worried, buddy... your shift starts in ten minutes."
Exnihil pulled out the chair next to Ken, and set his coffee down on the desk. "Sorry, Ken... there was a huge line at Cafe Cramer's."
"No problem... what'd you get for me?"
"I... oh... I'm sorry... I..."
Ken laughed, "Ex... I'm just kidding you. You've got to relax, man. Now that you've been inducted into the LMB as a full member, you don't have to be so formal all the time."
"It's not that." Ex grimaced slightly. "It's just... no... it's nothing."
"All right...," Ken chuckled, "...well that means it's definitely something. What's bugging you, Ex?"
Ex regarded Ken, and thought that he might as well come clean. Ken was probably in the same boat as Ex, anyway. "It's just... well... I appreciate the fact that the LMB believed in me enough after the whole Red Bee affair to vote me in, but... I don't know... I always kind of feel like I don't really belong with these guys. I don't really consider myself a 'super-hero,' if you know what I mean."
"What are you talking about? Of course you're a super-hero... the LMB doesn't just let anybody in."
"Yeah... but my powers are so passive, you know? I can tap into the energy of alternate timelines... that's not really something that you charge into battle with. I mean, like... look at the board right now." Ex pointed up to the board with so many of the symbols dimmed down. "Lardy... Cobie... Dev... Rocky... Shark Lad... Peebs... so many of the heavy hitters are off planet right now. What do they expect me to do if Legion World were attacked right now? What am I supposed to do against any of the huge threats that they face all the time? I mean... well... you know what I mean."
"I do?" Kenaustin raised an eyebrow. "What are you saying, man? Why do you think I would know?"
"Well... you know... your power..." Ex felt himself turning slightly red, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense... but aren't your cards just sort of... talismanic magic? You don't actually have an innate power, right?"
Ken slightly bristled, but let Ex slide, given his inexperience. He stood up, starting to pack up the cards he had been practicing with, "Yeah... well... there's quite a few LMBers that don't have innate powers, you know... even Lard Lad, these days... but my skill has proved handy enough to the LMB on more than one occasion. Trust me, my Magic Deck is a quite a bit more than just a stack of fancy business cards."
Ex realized that he had really offended Ken, and quickly started to apologize, "Seriously, Ken, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."
Ken interrupted, "Besides... it's not like you're ever really alone. That's the thing, you know... that makes the LMB great... our teamwork. Anybody's powers alone might not be enough to take down somebody like the Anti-Moderator or the Time Mouse Trapper, but together, man... we're unstoppable."
Under his breath, but still a bit too loud, Ex mumbled to himself, "Great... I'll guess I'll get on the horn to Arm Fall Off Boy if I run into any trouble."
At that comment, Ken spun Ex's chair around, and said very directly, "Yeah, that's right... you should! Because... you know what? Arm Fall Off Boy... or any of the LMB... would gladly go into battle by your side if it meant they could help you out!"
Ex was a bit startled, but humbled at the same time. Kenaustin sighed, and sat back down. He spoke to Ex in a calmer tone, "I'm sorry, Ex... that was uncalled for. You're still new to the LMB, but I know you've worked with them very closely in the past. You first came to Legion World just before the Phineas B. Fuddle nonsense a couple of years ago, right?"
"Yeah... when I accidentally almost helped him to wipe the entire LMB from this timeline. Great first impression."
"Well... a lot of the heavy hitters got involved in that one, too, right? But, you know what? Legion World doesn't stop turning just because some universe shaking threat engages Lardy and Cobie and Abin. While they're all off saving the galaxy... who do you think minds the shop against everything else?" Ken casually reached across the desk and took Ex's coffee. He smiled wryly as he took a sip. Leaning forward, he tapped out a few keys on the Monitor Board, and said, "Kick back, Ex... it's time for LMB lesson #1: teamwork."
"What's this?" Ex asked, looking up as the screen came to life, beginning to play recorded holo-footage.
"Just watch, man... this is from 3009... when all the big guns were trying to take down Phineas and his Omnichronal Orrery. Well, at the same time that all that was going on... five other LMBers, who you normally don't see making the headlines, were busy saving the day. It was a little adventure that Chaim Mattis Keller added to the LMB Reference Files later on under the case name: "Who Was Middlefinger IX?"
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As Arm Fall Off Boy typed to no avail, his monitor duty relief, Chaim Mattis Keller, came running around the corner into the control room. "AFOB!!!" Chaim shouted over the alarm, "What are you doing still sitting here?! That's the perimeter alarm! We've got a breach!"
"No! No, we don't!" AFOB shouted back, "It's been going off all morning... but I can't get the stupid thing to reset this time!"
Chaim rolled his eyes. Sidling up in the chair next to AFOB, he typed in three keys. The alarm went silent.
AFOB looked at Chaim in incredulity. "Wh... what did you just do?"
Chaim smiled at his teammate. "The perimeter alarm has a failsafe code. If it's gone off more than three times in a ten hour period, the system can't be reset, it has to be overridden... with the code "F... A... P."
"Fap?"
"Lardy programmed it."
"Ah... of course. Well, how in the world do you even know about that code? That wasn't covered in training."
"Maybe not explicitly... but it is in the Monitor Board Maintenance Manual, Volume 2, Appendix 47, table 58."
Arm Fall Off Boy shook his head in exasperation. Of course Chaim would know that. He didn't earn his codename, "Legion Reference File Lad" for nothing. Information collation and retrieval was Chaim's bread and butter. It was still irksome, though.
"I think the real question, though," Chaim continued, "is why does it keep getting tripped?"
"Oh, that's the question? Thank you. Do you think I haven't been looking for my entire shift? I've been monitoring every last holo-camera... on every floor... under every spectrum... from every angle. It has been driving me batty, but there is nothing there. I don't know... maybe Pidlin' Pup has fleas!"
"No... no... even a flea would still register under the spectra-scan."
"Yes... I know... I was just joking."
"Hmmmm.... well, this is no joking matter." He looked up at the Monitor Board, "Cobalt Kid, Lard Lad, Abin Quank, Shark Lad... all of them are involved in the Phineas case. We can't afford a compromised security system right now, even if it is something minor. Who do we have in HQ right now?"
Arm Fall Off Boy keyed up the shift log, "Well... apart from you and I... we've got XBen down in the gym, Crymsun in his personal quarters, and Awkward Pause Boy in the Language Lab."
"Call them up. Unfortunately, I think we're in for a long afternoon."
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Arm Fall Off Boy wandered through the LMB Trophy room. Six hours of searching the HQ for what was tripping the alarm system, and still nothing. This was turning out to be a banner day. He was almost at the point of suggesting to the others that they just call maintenance and have the system fully rebooted.
As he wandered through, he spotted Awkward Pause Boy entering. Awk was a really nice guy, but his particular power - a form of mild hypnosis which compelled a listener to hang on every word no matter how protracted - did make for some very long conversations. AFOB called out, "Heya, Awk... did you have any luck down in the sub-sub-basement?"
"No, but..."
AFOB perked up with a glimmer of hope. "But what?"
"...but I didn't expect that I would. I'm more inclined to think we should just..."
AFOB waited patiently.
"..."
And continued to do so.
"..."
Then a little less so. "We should just what?"
"...just call maintenance."
"Yup, I was thinking the exact same thing. This might be beyond us."
"C'mon, now," their conversation was interrupted by Chaim, now entering with Crymsun and XBen in tow, "We've still got the entire Trophy Room to go over before we give up. If nothing else, it's a golden opportunity to study up on LMB history."
"Seriously... Chaim... my shift ended six hours ago. I really don't feel up to learning why the LMB received an award for..." he picked up the nearest thing at hand, "...The Longest Conversation About A Talking Dolphin??? Who would award such a thing?"
"Hey... 57 comments is nothing to sneer at."
AFOB rolled his eyes. "Fine, but this is it! If we don't find what's tripping the alarm in here, we just call maintenance, OK?"
"Deal."
The five split up and began searching the Trophy Room. After about a half hour, Arm Fall Off Boy was at his wit's end. He stopped searching in earnest and just began to idly peruse the strange collection of objects that the LMB had amassed over the years. There were the broken remains of a STU-bot.. there the shotgun Lard Lad had used to defeat the Maddenite-infected Psychotic Beaver... there the flag of France representing Omega Man's transformation by Turns-You-Into-a-Country-Fred. Wandering about, he approached a huge rack of underwear and leaned in to read the placard - "Legion World Second Anniversary Commemorative Boxer-Briefs Made from the Super-Cotton Fields of Greg Evigan Island (Crayola 64-Color Variety Pack)". This was the last straw.
"OK..." he shouted, "Enough is enough... there is nothing here. It's just a glitch in the alarm system, I'm turning it back on and calling maintenance."
"Great.." Chaim said, walking over as the rest of the group began converging as well. "You do that. Call in a couple of civilian workmen... potentially endangering their lives if there is actually something going on here."
"There is nothing going on here, Chaim. The most dangerous thing that could happen..." he reached for the nearest item at hand - which happened to be a 20th century vacuum tube, "....is that I might accidentally break one of Antiquated-Forms-of-Communication Lass's old radio parts and cut my finger!" He absent-mindedly shoved the tube into his pocket and began heading for the Trophy Room door. "Enjoy the rest of your search, guys, I'm leavi..."
Before Arm Fall Off Boy could complete the sentence, though, he was interrupted by the sound of the door's force field humming to life.
"Very funny, Chaim... let the shield down."
Chaim Mattis Keller looked at a loss, "I... I didn't put the shield up."
"Sure you didn't. OK, I'll play along: but... if you didn't put it up… then who did?"
"I thought you would never ask."
Immediately, all five heads of the LMBers spun around to the voice coming from the dais where the LMB displayed the costumes of their past adversaries. Up until this point they had been nothing more than a set of motionless mannequins but, suddenly, the costume in the center - that of LMB arch-villain Middlefinger - began moving. Someone was wearing it! As the five LMBers watched in stunned disbelief, Middlefinger moved to edge of the dais and continued to speak as he descended.
"It was quite difficult remaining motionless for so long... but after this morning's alerts, I couldn't risk tripping the alarm again. Escape would have been quite impossible had a larger group been called in to defend your little Headquarters. But that's no longer a concern, is it? You were just kind enough to tell me that you've disabled all alerts. Wonderful! It would have been a bit of a difficult maneuver facing down the full force of the LMB... but your little cadre should be nothing more than a slight annoyance. Now... if you would be so kind... please prepare to die." Middlefinger raised his hand toward the group and curled in his four outer fingers, as Arm Fall Off Boy reacted almost instinctually.
"LMB! Move!" he shouted, as the first blast issued forth from Middlefinger's hand.
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Middlefinger strode through the hall of the Trophy Room, his electronic voice bellowing through his helmet, taunting the LMB members who had taken up hidden defensive positions around the room. "Oh, come now! Surely this can't be the mighty Legion of Message Board Posters that I'm facing... hiding like so many... rats!" At that word he pointed his center finger toward the remains of the STU-bot and let loose a disintegration blast. In moments, the robot was all but gone, nothing remaining but the red discs of its eye units. Middlefinger laughed. "Oh, that's right... this is not the LMB at all, but a group of pretenders... led by the mighty 'Arms Fall Off Boy'! Ha Ha Ha!"
From his location behind the scale replica of the LMB's first HQ building, Arm Fall Off Boy scowled. "It's Arm Fall Off Boy," he murmured to himself, "not Arms... that's a completely different guy." He rolled to his side to get a better vantage point. In doing so, AFOB spied XBen fairly close by. He flipped on his communicator to get XBen's attention, but as he did so, he heard Chaim's voice already coming over the channel.
"...a series of villains under the same name. The original Middlefinger was small-time crook Shoc Kerr of the planet, Kisom, who kidnapped LMB ally, Space Tart, and fought the LMB in his Mansion of Mayhem. He was later killed by a different villain, Middlefinger II, who was, in actuality, two people - Lash Lad's then-boyfriend, Large Handsome... and a hypnotized Lash, himself. Handsome's master plan to plant a bomb in the Statue of Liberty's middle finger was thwarted by the LMB, sending him to prison where he was later killed by a corrupt weapons manufacturer named Har Pooperton. Pooperton was a an old nemesis of Dev-Em who assumed the mantle of Middlefinger III and..."
"Chaim!" Arm Fall Off Boy tried to interrupt Chaim's dissertation, but the channel was engaged and locked. Damn it! When Chaim got stressed his power would kick into overdrive, functioning as a non-stop info dump. He must have accidently activated his communicator when he dove and was now blocking any outgoing commo. AFOB would have to do this the hard way. Keeping his eye on Middlefinger he waited for his moment.
"Where are you hiding, little insects?!" Middlefinger bellowed. "I've only been waiting years for my revenge. Do you really think another few minutes will make a difference to me. The world will know my wrath when I escape from here... but, first... it's your turn!" He spun around and sent a blast at the flag of France, disintegrating a full two thirds of it in less than a moment.
Arm Fall Off Boy seized this opportunity, while Middlefinger was facing away, to dive across to XBen's location. XBen shifted, letting him take up a position. As he adjusted, he realized that XBen was receiving Chaim's transmission, as well.
"...Moby Dick Army of Middlefinger, but choked on a sunflower seed he was eating. Not at all coincidentally, the brother of the late Large Handsome was himself a supplier of sunflower seeds. Naturally, when Middlefinger IV surfaced the next year, in battle against the Light Brigade, he was revealed to be that brother. The second Handsome later met his end as the initial victim of invading alien force - a group of near microscopic creatures who drew the life-force from their victims through their fingers. Collectively, they assumed the guise of Middlefinger V in an attempt to mask their invasion. Their final defeat, however, came from within, as one power hungry alien launched the collective into the conflict known as 'The Civil War of the Middlefin..."
"AFOB... what in the world is he talking about?" XBen whispered desperately.
"That's not important right now. Listen, we need to stop Middlefinger now. I don't know how he got into our HQ... but one thing is certain... he wants out! It's only the five of us in here, and our offensive capabilities are extremely limited. Of all of our powers, I think you have the best chance of taking him down."
XBen blinked.
"You think what?"
"Listen," Arm Fall Off Boy explained, "I could pull off my arm and try to charge him, true, but the likelihood that a direct brute assault would be successful is slim to none. He could disintegrate me before I got two steps toward him. Chaim's powers are just informational; the best Awkward Pause Boy could do is slightly delay him; and Crymsun... well, no offense to Crymsun... but the guy just turns things red. No... our best bet is your teleportation."
"My 'teleportation,' as you call it, is hardly at the level of a Teeds or an Outdoor Miner. I can teleport miniscule objects. Like really miniscule. Like 'grain of sand' miniscule. I usually use it to send little flecks into someone's eyes so somebody else can go in and clobber them while they're distracted."
"Exactly." Arm Fall Off Boy smiled.
XBen grinned. "Oh...I get it... so your're thinking that if I can teleport a grain of sand into Middlefinger's eye..."
"...he'll possibly open his helmet briefly to clear it. Then, bam! I call the charge while he's distracted."
"That's a huge long-shot, AFOB".
"It's the only shot we've got."
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"I am concentrating, thank you very much! It's a little difficult with him going on like that." XBen nodded his head toward the communicator where Chaim was still running down the reference file on Middlefinger.
"...from their rapidly contracting universe. The tiny craft was later found by a lonely man named Blugshput Porkinbaggle, who, driven mad by the waves emanating from the ship, swore to subject the world to the same dull, lifeless existence he had lived. Assuming the guise of Middlefinger VI, Porkinbaggle set out to create an army of cannibalistic zombi..."
"I know... I know," Arm Fall Off Boy said, knowing full well that they were running out of time, "but I need to keep the channel open on the chance that Chaim realizes he's on and clears the line. Just focus... I know you can reach it."
"Why in the world do we have a jar of sand in the Trophy Room, anyway?"
"They got it from the beach of Marzal before it phased out... something about spacial instability or something... but that's not important. Can you lock on?"
"Almost got it... and... yes! Locked in."
"Great job... now... open a gate inside Middlefinger's helmet and prepare to target his eyes."
Still continuing his search, not more than thirty meters away, Middlefinger began to rage. "Little gnats! This game grows tiresome! Show yourselves and I may kill you quickly. If you keep this up, however, I will ensure that your demise is a slow and painful affair! ARRRGGGHHH!" Middlefinger shouted as he unleashed the full force of his disintegration blast at the rack of commemorative multi-colored underwear before him. A few pairs went flying through the air, landing in the hiding spot of Arm Fall Off Boy and XBen.
"Easy, XBen," AFOB calmed him, "just focus."
XBen closed his eyes, activating a small teleporation gate. "I... wait... AFOB, there's something wrong!"
"What? What's going on? Can't you access the space inside the helmet?"
"No... it's not that... I'm in... but there is nothing to target. Good lord! AFOB... I don't think Middlefinger has eyes!"
"What? That's ridiculous. What do you mean?"
"I can't find his eyes! I'm trying to expand my range. No... there's no face... no head... my god... the costume is empty!"
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Arm Fall Off Boy's heart sunk. Feeling defeated, he rolled into a seated position and put his hands to his eyes. This was insane. Even forgetting for a moment the sheer absurdity of the fact that they were apparently being attacked by an empty suit, he had no idea what their next move should be. As desperate as it had been, utilizing XBen's power has been their best hope. What choices were left? He could charge Middlefinger directly and hope to possibly get a blow or two in before he could turn his disintegration ray on him, or he could continue to stay in hiding and delay the inevitable for, at most, a few minutes more. There just wasn't enough time to figure this out. Meanwhile, Chaim's voice continued to broadcast over the communicator.
"...ter being institutionalized he was accidentally killed when a ping pong ball was lodged in his throat during a heated game with the mad Coluan, Skulivard Nox. Feeling that he had been shown his destiny, Nox escaped the asylum, becoming perhaps the most bizarre incarnation to date, Middlefinger VII. Embarking upon a nearly year-long spree of seemingly pointless crimes, his insane pattern was finally discerned by the Legion World detective, Matlock, who arrested Nox, returning him to the asylum where he still remains. Shortly thereafter, the LMB crossed paths with the criminal terrorist group of the villain, the Trumpeter. Among this group was a mysterious disguised female calling herself Middlefinger VIII. Not fitting the pattern of having killed her predecessor, she nevertheless battled the LMB during the 'Psionic Spear' and 'Horn of Undoing' cases. She remains at large to this day.
Ahem... I... what's going... oh, crap... the communicator! Sorry, guys... this is Chaim... anyone on this channel?
Arm Fall Off Boy seized the communicator and, with as much seething as could be delivered in a whisper, answered back, "Yes... we've been on this entire time. Are you quite out of your info coma?"
"Sorry, AFOB, when my power takes over, I've got to deliver the entire reference."
"Nevermind that, now... XBen and I are pinned down to the right of the clubhouse replica... where are you?"
"I'm over by the Dark STU display... from the wreck of the STU-bot, I'd say Middlefinger has already been this way.'
"I know that," AFOB hissed, "He's right in front of us. We already tried XBen's power against him but we got some... eh... let's say strange results. Any bright ideas from the reference files on what we should do next?"
"Apart from you and XBen... what physical assets do you have?"
AFOB facepalmed. "Assets? We've got nothing. I've got... I don't know... I've got..." he reached in his pocket and pulled out the vacuum tube he had accidentally taken from the Antiquated-Forms-of-Communications Lass display. "Hmph. I guess I've got a vacuum tube."
XBen leaned over and whispered in the com, "And a pair of of Hot Magenta boxer-briefs."
With a look of disbelief, AFOB lowered the communicator and simply said, "What?"
Holding up the briefs that has been blown across from the display, XBen nodded. "Yeah, we've got a couple pair of them. Hot Magenta... Brick Red... Salmon..."
"Hot Magenta? Brick Red? Salmon? Are you freaking kiddi..." Arm Fall Off Boy paused in mid sentence.
No. No... that couldn't be. He leaned slightly from his position to survey the hall. He looked to the tattered flag of France with only the far right section still intact.
"AFOB? Are you still there?"
"Hold on one second, Chaim... I'm thinking. Chaim? Can you see the the STU-bot clearly from where you are?"
"I can see what's left of it"
"OK... what is left?"
"Just the discs of the eye units."
Arm Fall Off Boy's eyes widened. No! Could the answer really be that simple? He raised the com again, "Tell me again... what does the reference file say about which Middlefingers did not kill their predecessors?"
"Well... Middlefinger VI just found the spacecraft from the already dead aliens... and Middlefinger VIII just appeared already using the name, even though Skulivard Nox is still alive. Why?"
AFOB started getting very excited. "I could be entirely wrong here... but I think I have an idea! Does anybody know where Crymsun is? Crymsun... are you on the com?"
"I'm right here," Crymsun suddenly appeared not more than than a few feet away from AFOB's position, completely camouflaged against a red curtain.
"Wow... that's good! How long have you been there?"
"Long enough to hear you say that I can't help because I 'just turn things red'."
"I'm sorry about that Crymsun, I will absolutely make that up to you. But, if we're up against what I think we're up against, your power might just be the key! Listen up, everyone..."
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Crymsun looked at Arm Fall Off Boy in incredulity. "AFOB... even if that could work... which I very much doubt... I just don't have enough power left. My super-rubification powers aren't always at a constant level. They have to be built up over time. I expended a huge amount in camouflaging myself, and there is just no way I can generate enough energy right now to do what you're asking."
XBen piped in next, "The same here, AFOB. I'm sorry, but at that distance, and basically aiming blind, I can't guarantee that I could get an accurate enough lock to perform the teleportation you need."
Arm Fall Off Boy pursed his lips in annoyance. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He raised the communicator, "How about you, Chaim... what do you think?"
"Honestly?", Chaim's voice came across, "Well... honestly, I think you're making a huge leap in logic. The basic facts of your theory are supported by the Reference Files, but there are just so many hypotheticals that you're banking on."
"Fine," Arm Fall Off Boy said with a flat determination, "All of that is true... but does anyone have a better idea?"
Everyone was silent.
"Then it's decided. Crymsun... if you don't have the full power level to do what I asked, then exactly how much are we talking about?"
Crymsun frowned. "Right now... not much... if I concentrate for ten minutes or so I could maybe give you a couple square feet."
"A couple square feet? Damn! If that's all we've got, I think I'm going to have to be a bit bolder in my approach... but I still think it will work. But ten minutes? We don't have that long, can't you do it any quicker?"
"Ten minutes is pushing it as it is!"
AFOB peered out on to the Trophy Room floor. Middlefinger would be on top of them in no more than five. They needed more time. If only there were some way to stall him.
As if by miraculous answer, Middlefinger suddenly spun around and fired his disintegration ray at the Giant Gorilla display, reducing it to nothing... and revealing a figure hiding behind.
"Ah-ha! The first of the doomed quintet is revealed. Congratulations, LMBer! You have earned the great pleasure of becoming the first casualty of Middlefinger IX. Prepare yourself to feel my wrath..."
"Before you kill me, Middlefinger, I think there is something you should..."
Middlefinger paused, allowing Awkward Pause Boy to finish his sentence. This was a mistake.
"..."
"Something I should what?" Middlefinger demanded.
"...you should know. It won't be as easy as..."
Middlefinger lowered his hand.
"..."
He grew slightly impatient.
"..."
"Yes, yes... as easy as what?"
"...as easy as you think to..."
"..."
"..."
Arm Fall Off Boy turned back to the group with a smile, "OK... I think we just got our ten minutes. Let's do this."
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Middlefinger tapped his foot impatiently, as Awkward Pause Boy paused again. "Said what? What did he say?"
"...that one must believe in the possibility of happiness in order to..."
"Hurry up! In order to what?"
"You'll just have to wonder about that one, Middlefinger!" Arm Fall Off Boy strode into the open of the Trophy Room floor. "This ends now!"
Middlefinger spun around to face his new opponent. He began to snicker. "Ha, ha! Oh... oh, this is rich! One of the little insects finally musters up enough courage to face me and it's... it's you! Oh, dear...," he mocked, "...however shall I defend myself against the mighty Arms Fall Off Boy?"
"That's what you better start figuring out... Middle-failure!"
Middlefinger laughed, "Ah... even in the face of your own demise, you LMB types keep your droll sense of humor. It's almost a pity that I must kill you before I have the chance to be entertained further." Middlefinger raised his hand toward Arm Fall Off Boy and curled back his four outer fingers. "Almost."
Arm Fall Off Boy closed his eyes and let his right arm drop. It fell to the floor with a pathetic thud. Middlefinger laughed in mockery.
"Ha, ha, ha! Oh...now this is simply too much. Ha, ha, ha. I will admit... I did have a moment of hesitation about killing a one-armed boy... but a no armed boy?"
AFOB grinned... Yes! His theory was right... the gambit was working! Middlefinger continued to laugh.
"No, no... ha, ha, ha. That is beyond even my cruelty. Go ahead... I'll give you a moment to 'get yourself together'. Ha, Ha, Ha! Seriously... go ahead... pick up your arm... I'll wait. Oh, that's right... you can't! Ha, Ha, Ha! Wait... I'll tell you what... I'll get it for you..."
Middlefinger walked in front of Arm Fall Off Boy and bent over to retrieve the fallen right arm. In a blur, AFOB spun around and hit Middlefinger's helmet with the full force of his left. He fell to the floor in surprise as AFOB leapt on top of him. "Now, LMB!"
In a flash, Chaim Mattis Keller and Crymsun were atop of Middlefinger as well, restraining his hand.
"Wh... what...?"
"That was your fatal mistake, Middlefinger... one of many I'm sure you've made in your life. Just so you know who defeated you... the name isn't Arms Fall Off Boy... it's ARM Fall Off Boy! And one is all I need to do... this!"
AFOB reached across and popped the clasp of Middlefinger's helmet, then reached into his pocket to pull out the vacuum tube. He called out, "Go ahead... XBen!"
Striding out into the room, XBen closed his eyes and locked in to a tiny fleck inside Middlefinger's helmet. He opened the teleportation gate then, smiling, said, "Got him, AFOB! He's in!"
Chaim, AFOB and Crymsun all stood up from the now deflated Middlefinger costume. As XBen and Awkward Pause Boy joined them, Arm Fall Off Boy held the vacuum tube up to the light and said, "Say hello to the newest addition to the LMB Trophy Room, boys... Middlefinger IX!"
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Arm Fall Off Boy, Chaim Mattis Keller, Awkward Pause Boy, Crymsun and XBen sat at their table in SHAKES bar in high spirits. Raising his glass, AFOB shouted, "To the LMB!"
"To you, more like it," Chaim laughed. "I don't know how you figured it out, but that was just brilliant work today!"
"No way, Chaim! I couldn't have done it without every one of you guys!"
"I think I understand how you figured out who he was," XBen said, "but how in the world did you figure out his weakness?"
"Slow down," Crymsun interrupted, "I don't even get the part where you figured out his identity."
"OK... OK..." AFOB put up his hands, "It's actually pretty easy once you look at the facts. Let's start with what Middlefinger himself was saying. The whole time he was looking for us, he kept going on about revenge. But how could a Middlefinger want revenge... everybody who ever took on the name except the female - Middlefinger VIII - is dead, right? Not so. While Chaim was running down the reference file, he mentioned two exceptions - Skulivard Nox and that collective race of microscopic aliens."
"Whoa... whoa... " Chaim interrupted. "I never said the aliens were alive."
"No... but you did say they obliterated themselves in 'The Civil War of the Middlefingers'. Down to every last one? Sorry... but that seemed very unlikely and if the reference file didn't say it... it ain't gospel. At a bare minimum... unless the last two killed each other at the exact same moment... there had to be at least one survivor. And since there was no mention of Middlefinger VI killing anybody when he found the ship... that was an assumption I was willing to make."
"OK, fine," XBen said, "Let's just assume you knew that... why would it follow that the alien was the one inside the suit?"
"Well, once I made the leap, there actually were tons of things pointing to that fact. He kept going on about 'escaping' the HQ. Escaping? Well, how did he get in the first place without alerting us? Short answer... he didn't. Of course, the alarm was going off all morning as he broke through the perimeter and made his way to the Trophy Room, but we... sorry, I... wasn't perceptive enough at the time to realize that we were dealing with a microscopic intruder - one that was small enough to not show up under scans, but not quite small enough not to trip the alarm.
"Furthermore, I knew there was something very odd about the way Middlefinger was talking. Every villain hurls insults, sure, but Middlefinger seemed fixated on 'small' things. He kept calling us 'rats' and 'insects' and 'gnats'... very typical of creatures with Napoleonic complexes. And when you, XBen first tried to teleport the sand inside the suit and said that it was empty, that just about clinched it."
Crymsun shook his head, "Wow... OK... so what was up with the whole need for my powers?"
"Ah..." AFOB smiled, "...that's what really was the tricky part. I had seen evidence of it from the moment he started attacking, but I didn't put it together until the underwear started flying. For as much damage as Middlefinger was wreaking, for some reason he never seemed to disintegrate anything that was RED. The STU-bots eyes... the right side of the French flag... all the red-tinted briefs... all intact. Why? Chaim said something very key when he was running down the reference file... that the aliens came from a rapidly contracting universe."
Chaim slapped his head. "Of course!'
"No, no," XBen said, "...what 'of course'? What does contracting have to do with it?"
"You had earlier said that Middlefinger had no eyes. Even though you were saying that because of his microscopic size... it really is true. At that scale, traditional optic sensors would serve no value - they couldn't perceive visible wavelengths. Middlefinger's race doesn't see colors, they 'sense' them... but only at certain frequencies - those of his home universe. As a contracting universe, though, it undergoes a phenomenon call a 'blueshift' - where any objects approaching the sensor are perceived as tinted blue. Longer waved colors - like all the reds - are all but invisible to Middlefinger's race."
"Ah," said Crymsum, "So that's why you wanted me to turn you red! But if I didn't have enough power to tint your whole body... why was just your left arm enough?"
"It was just dumb luck, I guess, that when Middlefinger first came down off the dais he only caught a glimpse of me... and thought that I was a different LMBer, Arms Fall Off Boy. Which is ridiculous, I know... we look nothing alike. But it was that mistake that allowed me to get as close as I did to him at the end. With my left arm colored red, it was invisible to Middlefinger. Because he thought I was Arms Fall Off Boy, when I activated my power and let my right arm drop off, he though I was completely 'unarmed' and let his defense down. Fatal mistake. That's when I slugged him, popped his helmet, and let XBen do his thing... porting the little guy to his vacuum sealed prison."
"There's just one thing I can say to all this," Awkward Pause Boy said raising his glass, "Arm Fall Off Boy... today was SWEET ASS..."
The rest of the group raised their glasses, paused a moment, then all said together,
"...SWEET!"
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The holoscreen faded down as Kenaustin turned to Exnihil, "So? What do you think about 'passive powers' now, man?"
Ex smiled, "I'm wondering why the LMB has holo-cameras in SHAKES bar."
"Seriously? That's what you got out of that?"
"No, no... of course not. I get what you're saying. It doesn't matter how small or odd your powers are, it's how you use them that makes a difference. I get it. But you have to admit... those five were pretty lucky to fall into the exact situation where their powers would work together."
"No," Ken shook his head, "No, you're wrong. It wasn't luck... it was teamwork. It wouldn't matter who was there that day, the LMB would have figured out a way to stop him. I mean... for example... what would you have done differently?"
"Well, for starters, I would have known that Skulivard Nox could have been eliminated as a possibility right away."
"Why's that?"
"Because he reformed. He earned a pardon and was released from the asylum after the help he gave the LMB during 'The Long Klordny' case."
Ken almost sprayed the coffee he was drinking, "The long what?"
Ex raised an eyebrow. "The Long Klordny... you know... that sort of noire case where the Klordny Killer was systematically eliminating all the remaining members of the Large Handsome crime cartel?"
Ken shook his head, and laughed, "I'm pretty sure I never heard of that one, man."
"What are you talking about? Holy... sheesh, Ken, it went on for a year! It was huge. Matlock... and Red Arrow... and My Whee Fem..."
"Easy, Ex... I think your powers are kicking in again. That didn't happen... yet."
Gathering his thoughts, Ex nodded, "Yeah... yeah, you're right... that's from a future timeline."
"But if it does happen, well, damn... I'm pretty sure I know a member of the LMB who will be on the front lines."
Ex looked down and gave a bemused grunt "Hmph. Food for thought, Kenny, food for thought. I guess you've got a point, after all."
"Always. All right, brother," Kenaustin said, standing up and tossing the Cafe Cramer cup into the trash, "I've got to get going. Sorry about stealing your coffee, I'll get you another one, eh?"
"Tell you what... just catch me on my next monitor duty shift."
Ken smiled as he walked to the door, "You got a deal, man. Sweet Ass Sweet."
"Sweet Ass Sweet." Ex said back, as he turned away and started typing.
The End
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