Okay, here's our story from the beginning with all the necessary revisions. On with the show....
<<>>
A dank, vermin-overrun basement: the evil megalomaniac studied his files carefully.
He had recordings and notes of EVERY member of the LMB. Their strenghts, weaknesses, flaws, characteristics... ALL were his. He had studied them for YEARS and soon... sooner than soon... very very VERY soon... like, YESTERDAY, soon... he would make his move against them and they would suffer the torments of the damned. And die. There would be lots and lots of dying.
For instance... only HE knew that Lardlad could be destroyed by an injection of OLEAN (c), which prevents fat absorption.
Only HE knew that chopping off Princess Crujectra's hands negated her ability to pull anything out of any sentient's rectum.
Only HE knew that Lash Lad could be pacified with lots of beer and pornography.
And so it would go until EVERY member of the LMB was doomed, deleted, decapitated, destroyed, dead, dead DEAD! the shadowy figure let out an evil chuckle of expectation.
Meanwhile, at the Ice Cream Parlol.....
I ...Princess Crujectra and Lardlad were watching the owner change the second 'l' in Parlol to an 'r'.
"Shouldn'ta used 2 guys who spelled their own names wrong on the invoice..." mumbled the proprietor.
Just then a loud noise caused Crujectra to drop to the ground with her hands over her ears. At first she thought Lardlad had farted, but then she saw smoke billowing out of the door of the (now) Ice Cream Parlor. She ran to investigate and discovered...
She ran to investigate and discovered the owner of the ice cream parlor yelling at one of his employees.
"Eryk! You are the most incompetent employee I've ever had! I leave you alone for a second to go outside to fix the sign those idiots you hired screwed up, and you destroy my ice-cream machine! You're fired!"
"Eryk!?" Crue thought, half-remembering her dream from last night, which got rudely interrupted by her alarm clock. "No it couldn't be that guy from that crazy dream in which the gals were trying to destroy all the male's nads. But he looks so familiar..."
Just then Lardlad...
...remembered that several of the LMB's worst foes had recently escaped imprisonment on Bu'gs'Bu'n'i-8, the prison planetoid. "Gosh, Leapy, I hope this isn't the work of Deathlad or Decapitation Damsel or Killer Kid or Murder Lass!"
of course it isn't, Lardy! It's because of this nincompoop former employee!"
"*choke!*" cried Eryk. "Everyone calls me names and no one wants me around!"
"NOT TRUE" whispered a voice in Eryk's mind. "*I* want you around! I have *need* of your unique gifts!" it continued.
"Who ARE you?" Eryk silently asked the voice, as Lardlad and the Princess looked at him pityingly.
the voice answered, "I am none other than. . . Aw that would be telling!"
Meanwhile:
"Champagne tickles my nose!" bubbled Non-Sequitor
Back at the Ice Cream Parlor. . . LardLad had returned to the parlor and was moving from table to table eating left over ice cream and saying to the patrons "excuse me, but are you finished with that? Do you mind if I......"
It seemed as if Lardlad was trying to eat every ice cream in the Parlol. Which in fact he was.
"Quick Lardy" shouted Crujectra running back into the Parlol.
Thats funny she thought as she passed through the door way, I could have sworn that sign had just been fixed.
"Lardy stop eating that Ice cream and help us out here!" she shouted.
"I need to do this Crue" said Lardlad, Sweat breaking out on his brow as even his gargantuan appetite strugged to contain the vast amounts of food he was consuming. With a sickly grin he forced another portion of Marsberry and banana ripple, with peach sauce and chocolate swirls into his mouth.
"I need to build up as much of the Lard Force as I can contain, I know who is behind this and it is going to take all of the LMBP operating at maximum strength to even have a chance of succes this time around. You see I recognize the disturbance in the force. This time we are facing non other than......................
............Salad-Tosser Lord!" "Aw, no," Princess Crujectra said, "not him again! Isn't he behind, like, every damn plot to destroy us?"
"Well, actually," Lardy said contemplatively, "he never did show up in our last (unfinished) adventure. Unless, he actually created Pornis or something. Guess we'll never know..."
"Hmmm...whatever happened to Pornis, Turns-You-Into-A-Country Kid (!), the Emerald Empress, Lucifer Lass, the one called the one and all those other wacky characters from that adventure?" inquired Crue.
"Once again...I DON'T KNOW!!!" Lardy yelled. "Our memories have been totally wiped out about what happened! We may NEVER know!"
"Okay, baby," Crue purred as she caressed his face, "don't worry about it. So how do you know Salad-Tosser Lord's behind the impending DOOM ?"
the sign's the key, darling. Whether it's 'parloL' or 'parloR', you can't spell 'Salad-Tosser Lord' without an 'r' or an 'l'! Otherwise, you'd have: 'Saad-Tosse od'!"
"Baby, you're a genius!" Crue delighted. "Drop your drawers and let me pull a hot tub outta your ass, so we can get down!"
"Sorry, babe. It'll have to wait. We need to talk to this Eryk Davis Ester guy. I sense a disturbance in the Lardforce around him, and I think he's somehow the key to not only the secret of Salad-Tosser Lord's return, but also to what happened during the last adventure that we can't remember! Crue, incapacitate Eryk's boss, so we won't have to worry about him interrupting while we interrogate Eryk. Plus, we can steal some ice cream while he's out."
Crue pulled a boxing glove arrow out of the boss's ass and knocked him out with it.
"Now, Eryk," Lardy said calmly and touched the other man's face, "your thoughts are mine...my thoughts are yours."
"Lardy?" Crue asked confused. "Are you doing a mindmeld with him? I mean, isn't your schtick a 'Star Wars' rip-off? Isn't it kind of a sacrilege to cross that with a 'Star Trek' rip-off?"
"Zip it, Crue, I'm getting some important info submerged in Eryk's unconsciousness. Omigod!" Then, Lardy spoke in Eryk's voice and said...........
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 23, 2002 01:19 AM
"Zip it, Crue, I'm getting some important info submerged in Eryk's unconsciousness. Omigod!" Then, Lardy spoke in Eryk's voice and said...........
"After the destruction of the Pornisverse, nearly everything was set right. the one called the one was shown the error of her ways, when she realized her misbegotten plan aimed at all males was a crazed extension of her mission to prevent Pornis conquest of the universe. Grey Birdboy's wings were restored, as was Frankie Muniz's power, and Omega Man was changed back from France to his normal self. But something was left undone. There are dark forces still at work. You must finish what was left undone. You must defeat the lingering influence of Pornis and his dark minions."
"Okay," Crujectra says. "Now why are we supposed to trust the ramblings of this nincompoop's unconscious mind?"
"Don't you remember, this is Eryk Davis Ester! He..."
But before Lardy could explain, a familiar villain walked through the door.
"Oh no!" Crujectra exclaims. "It's..."
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
optimusmagnus(me!) Member August 23, 2002 03:25 AM
<"Oh no!" Crujectra exclaims. "It's...">
Esther Rolle!!!"
"Esther Rolle?" Lardlad wondered. "What in the world is she doing here?"
"You thought you would get away from me, didn't you, chile?" Esther Rolle growled in her gravelly voice. "I can't have alternate-reality reversed-sex versions of myself running around, you know. Now come to mama, Eryk. Become one with mama."
"Nooooooooo..." Eryk Davis Ester moaned. "I don't want to become one with mama...."
Never fear, Eryk!" Lardlad strode bravely forward. "We'll protect you from this 70's sitcom diva! Crujectra, call for reinforcements!"
"Call with what," Crujectra demanded. "This dip cone?"
"Oh, pull something out of your ass. Now, Eryk, as I was saying, we won't... uh, what's she doing?" Lardy turned toward Esther Rolle, his eyes widening.
"Good times... any time you need a payment... keeping your head above water..." As Esther Rolle continued chanting the Good Times theme song, a wystic portal began to coalesce around her.
"Oh no," Lardlad moaned. "She's calling the Ghetto 5..."
Stepping out of the mystic portal to join Esther were J.J. (Kid Dy-no-MITE), Michael (Black Panther Boy), Penny (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty), and Bookman (Buffalo-Butt Boy).
"We're going to need some help with this," muttered Lardlad...
[ October 19, 2003, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: Kid Prime ]
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Faraway Lad Member August 23, 2002 03:25 PM
"We're going to need some help with this," muttered Lardlad...
Meanwhile hidden deep in the bowels of the Faraway Cave in darkest England, Faraway Lad was hunched over his computer Keyboard.
"damn it, what is everyone talking about" he muttered, "just who is Esther Rolle and why did she sing that song. i know my faraway power could help here but just as i am needed in LMBP HQ, i find my "problem" kicks in. Now with the faraway power working on myself, i am useless and i know next to nothing about this mysterious Esther Rolle"
Meanwhile back in the ice cream parlol the Ghetto 5 had appeared and were advancing on LardLad and the Princess, "hey princess" said Kid Dy-no-MITE "you and me gona party all night if you know what I mean"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth then there was a flash of light, followed almost immediatly by one of the most obnoxious smells imaginable. (but to give you an idea think about the smell some men make after a heavy night drinking lots of beer, eating curried cabage and loads of garlic, and mix that in with the smell of the first 'dump' of the day)
Strideing towards the people in the parlol out the light and smell, came a figure clad all in yellow.
"Allow me to introduce myself" he said "you may call me Repulso"
Repulso waved his armpits in the direction of the Ghetto 5 who all fled retching into the night.
Meanwhile in a dank, vermin-overrun basement: the evil megalomaniac studied his files carefully.
"no" he cried, "this Repulso character is not known to me. Nevermind, I will still destroy them all, I will release the ...............
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 23, 2002 04:04 PM
<of continuity here>>
quote:
Originally by optimusmagnus:
"You thought you would get away from me, didn't you, chile?" Esther Rolle growled in her gravelly voice.
Note the fact that she calls EDE "Chile", indicates that at some point I was transformed into a country (and then changed back) during the "five-page gap" (which is what I am now calling the missing end of "Hot Summer Nights").
<>
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 23, 2002 04:22 PM
"no" he cried, "this Repulso character is not known to me. Nevermind, I will still destroy them all, I will release the information I have gathered to the entire criminal underworld. Then all will no the weakness's of the LMB!" He then let out an evil laugh, as megalomaniacal villains are wont to do.
Meanwhile, Lash Lad and Omega Man were enjoying a couple of beers at the pub down the street from the ice cream parlor (whose sign had mysteriously changed back).
the funny thing is," Omega Man says, "I can't even remember how to speak French!"
"Well, I'm just glad that optimusmagnus fella was there," Lash Lad says. "What would we have done without him? I mean, if he hadn't been there..."
Just then, into the pub walks...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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Just then, into the pub walks...a figure that demanded attention. All eyes turned toward the door. Men swooned and women panted. Lash Lad cried out "Omega Man we have to get out of here. I don't know who this stunning figure is, but I recognize the effects of a GSRF!" "What is a GSRF?" quizzed Omega Man. "GSRF Stands for a Gender Stereotype Reversal Field. If we get caught in it we will be doing things that only steroetyped females will do." "EEEK!! How dreadful!" shierked Omega Man.
Meanwhile:
Non-Sequitor is busy alphabetizing all the zip codes in the United States.
Back at the Ice Cream Parlor:
Lardlad says to no one in particular "Do you know what I really want?" A hush fell over the parlor as everyone wait to hear what Lardlad really wanted...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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Suddenly, the LIVING RETCON appeared from the retconverse and wiped out all reference to Leap Year Lass and Princess Crujectra in this story, retroactively inserting SPACE TART into the role they vacated and retroactively giving the beautiful blue-haired Tart the abandoned object-pulling-out of -asses power so that the story could continue without pissing off anyone else!!!
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Eryk Davis Ester Member August 23, 2002 06:47 PM
"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!" Lardlad sings.
"So tell us what you want, what you really, really want!" comes the chorus of the other patrons of the ice cream parlol (again!).
"I want to... hhhhgghhhuhh..." Lardlad says, vomiting all over the floor. "Ice cream... it seems to have made me sick... never felt like this before..."
"Don't look at me!" Eryk Davis Ester exclaims. "I didn't make this batch. But obviously someone has tampered with the ice cream machine..."
Meanwhile, the Ghetto Five had retreated to...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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Originally by Eryk Davis Ester: <<<INTERJECTION!!!>>
...But then the whole thing doesn't work. Why would Princess Crujectra have a dream that focuses so much on Leap Year Lass?.
<<>>
[unsolicited observation]
A lot of women have dreams that focus on other women. I've been aware of Princess Crujectra having dreams about Space Tart having dreams about Homecoming Queen, for example.
[/unsolicited observation]
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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Meanwhile, the Ghetto 5 had retreated to the lair of their evil mistress, Lisp Lass.
She was not pleased with their failure.
"You FWEAKS!" she shrieked. "I give you a simpwe mission and aww you imbiciwes can do is BOTCH it! AWAY with you!" With that, Lisp Lass pressed a button that made the Ghetto 5 vanish. She continued to rant, to no one...
"I must go back and twy again! This time, I will wessuwect the wong-dead cast of the FACTS of WIFE!" She pressed another button, and greeted each new arrival that appeared out of nowhere...
"NATAWIE... bettew known as WARDWASS!"
"JO... also known as WESBIAN WASS!"
"TOOTIE... or more popularly known as WARDWASS 2!"
"BWAIR... the eviw MEAN QUEEN!"
"MRS. GAWETT... the dominatwix cawwed SCHOOLMAWM!"
"Go, my pwetties! Go and use your powews to destwoy my foes!"
Simotaneously, at StuRat Lad's bath-house.....
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
optimusmagnus Member August 23, 2002 08:56 PM
optimusmagnus (who was introduced during the 5-page gap and revealed to have cartoon-projection powers, by which he can channel any moving cartoon image he sees into real life and moderately bend it to his will, for as long as the cartoon is still being played. To engender this power, he carries a portable-hip DVD player with him at all times, and a supply of Japanimation, Disney cartoons, Looney Tunes, 80's cartoons, and cartoon porn DVD's. {Think Tarot, from the New Mutants, but with DVD's instead of tarot cards.}) was sitting in the jacuzzi, crying tears of desparation.
"It sucks," optimusmagnus moaned. "It SUCKS worse than SUCK. IT sucks worse than I could have ever thought possible. OOOOOOOHH, it sucks."
"I heard the word suck... oh, can I join you?" a voice entered the steam.
"Sure, why not... nothing matters anymore... it all sucks," optimusmagnus looked up and brightened somewhat at the sight of a speedo-clad, slim, muscular guy slipping into the water next to him.
"So, what's the problem, friend," the mysterious man queried.
"Oh, I saw the Transformers: Armada cartoon premiere on Cartoon Network this afternoon. It was WRETCHED. I was miserable... you would think these people would learn that if you build upon what was great, you can have something, but NO..... they even screwed up Starscream... Laserbeak is an Autobot... oh, i'm miserable. I want to die...."
"Aw, poor guy," consoled the unknown gentleman, slipping his arm around optimusmagnus's shoulders. "Tell you what, after we finish up here, I'll take you to this really cool ice cream parlol I know about. I was supposed to be meeting some of my friends there later on tonight. Well, actually, we're all part of the same superteam AND friends."
"That sounds good," brightened optimusmagnus. "I could really go for some... wait a minute, did you say parlol?"
Meanwhile, back at the parlol...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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