cleome46
or you can do the confusion 'til your head falls off
posted
quote:When you visit Oregon, don't forget Noah's last words as he sailed off in the ark...
Click Here For A Spoiler..."Why does it always rain on my vacation?"
-------------------- Hey, Kids! My "Cranky and Kitschy" collage art is now viewable on flickr. Drop by and tell me that I sent you.
From: Vanity, OR | Registered: Dec 2008
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cleome46
or you can do the confusion 'til your head falls off
posted
And finally, my all-time favorite:
quote: How did Prineville, OR turn into a ghost town?
Click Here For A SpoilerOne day last year, a billboard went up that said "Drink Canada Dry," and everyone went up there.
-------------------- Hey, Kids! My "Cranky and Kitschy" collage art is now viewable on flickr. Drop by and tell me that I sent you.
From: Vanity, OR | Registered: Dec 2008
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- A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
- A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
All time favorite (though it does work better aloud):
- Two dolphins walk into a bar. First one turns to the second and says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
-------------------- See Here for the latest update on the 2013 Chicago Gathering (now including tentative attendance list)
Registered: Feb 2008
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Arm Fall Off Boy
Now starring in his own DC Comic, September 2011!
posted
Three women, two young and one old, were sitting naked in a sauna. A beeping sound was heard and one of the young women tapped her arm and it stopped. The second young woman said "What was that?" The first replied "I have a microchip implanted in my arm that serves as a pager." Then, a ringing was heard, and the second young woman tapped her hand and held it up to her ear, said "ok," and put her hand down. The first young woman said "What was that?" The second replied "I have a microchip implanted in my hand that is a tiny phone." The older woman was feeling very left out and technologically challenged. She excused herself, went to the restroom and came back with a some toilet paper stuck between her butt cheeks. THe two younger women just stared, at which point the older woman said "Oh, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!"
-------------------- Long Live all them Legions!
From: North Carolina | Registered: Feb 2008
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Arm Fall Off Boy
Now starring in his own DC Comic, September 2011!
posted
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
-------------------- Long Live all them Legions!
From: North Carolina | Registered: Feb 2008
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A banker approaches the Pearly Gates sweating and struggling with a heavy suitcase. Saint Peter greets him and says "Set the suitcase down and come on in."
"No way!" barks the banker. "I have to bring it in." "What could possibly be in there that's so important?" asked Peter. Th banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Peter's jaw drops: "You brought pavement?"
-------------------- Five billion years from now the Sun will go nova and obliterate the Earth. Don't sweat the small stuff!
From: Boston | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room & started studying. Books & papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall nailed to the big plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
-------------------- Damn you, you kids! Get off my lawn or I'm callin' tha cops!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
From: Up a Gumtree | Registered: Jul 2003
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cleome46
or you can do the confusion 'til your head falls off
posted
quote:Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a ukulele?
Click Here For A SpoilerA: It only takes you half as long to burn a ukulele.
-------------------- Hey, Kids! My "Cranky and Kitschy" collage art is now viewable on flickr. Drop by and tell me that I sent you.
From: Vanity, OR | Registered: Dec 2008
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cleome46
or you can do the confusion 'til your head falls off
posted
Not a joke per se, but for you Peanuts fanatics who may have missed it: Frank Miller's Schulz City.
(Worksafe, if utterly tasteless. And I mean that in a good way.)
-------------------- Hey, Kids! My "Cranky and Kitschy" collage art is now viewable on flickr. Drop by and tell me that I sent you.
From: Vanity, OR | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. In the distance they could hear drums. "What is that drumming?" he asked nervously. The native replied, "Drums are okay, but if they stop... it would be very bad".
The drums continued for three days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning the drums suddenly stopped. The forest fell eerily silent. With panic in his voice, the missionary called out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and with despair in his voice, answered... "Tuba solo."
-------------------- See Here for the latest update on the 2013 Chicago Gathering (now including tentative attendance list)
Registered: Feb 2008
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cleome46
or you can do the confusion 'til your head falls off
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
-------------------- Hey, Kids! My "Cranky and Kitschy" collage art is now viewable on flickr. Drop by and tell me that I sent you.
From: Vanity, OR | Registered: Dec 2008
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