posted
“We’re sure you won’t believe us in the cold light of day, but this is what you requested – okay, maybe not the flute up the ass, that was Harbis idea of revenge for the comments elsewhere about her sexual partners and preferences. We actually have video evidence for you to see when you get back, just to prove that this is what you asked for. IB’s idea – he knew you wouldn’t believe it otherwise.
You thought that the best way to prepare yourself for your tasks ahead was to have to prove yourself every step of the way.
Best of luck, Cobie Abin Q Lardy Harbi IB ………” etc.
“P.S. Yes, you’ve got no money, no clothes, no flight ring, and until recently had a flute up your ass. You’re probably surrounded by hundreds of hypnotised, zombie-like residents of this haunted town, armed with razor sharp implements. And all because you got drunk and wanted to prove something. Just how much do you think we’re all laughing at you right about now?”
posted
Back at Legion World, the gang were all laughing their asses off. Cobie then showed up and grabbed all the asses, intending to find Harbinger's so he could pay her back for leaving him in a mangled, battered, bloody state a few posts back.
"How long do you think til Numf gets back here?" asked IB, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"About a year or so, unless he finds himself a job as some rich old lady's new toy." Abin Q said through a big grin.
"Why do I have a feeling the rich old lady will be HIS toy, instead?" Harbi said with a very sinister smile.
IB laughed so hard that he accidentally poked himself in the eye with the finger he was using to wipe away is tears. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHh! I've mutilated myself! Call an ambulance!!! Pain! Pain!!!"
Everyone laughed all the more. Lardy laughed so hard that the beer he was drinking erupted from his mouth like a geyser, covering everyone in the area with a distinctly Lard-breath smelling mist of beer. Mean practical jokes were so much fun!
Litle did they know that they would not be laughing for much longer. Karma had ways of getting back at people who did things to other people, especially when the other people did not think they were very nice. Karma had picked up a phone and had dialled a number which would make every LMBPer, especially Invisible Brainiac, sweat like they were in a sauna.
She had called in a menace so horrible that little children squeal at the very thought oh his name. And he was arriving at Legion World right at that very moment.
posted
Broad at the shoulders and narrow at the hip, Everyone knew Ralph didn't take no lip. ...Big Ralph Ready to pummel, kick and thrash Ralph was ready to hand to you you're ass ...Big Ralph And on the days he was feeling mean You could crawl in the corner and and moan and scream ...Big Ralph The last thing you'd want was to make him mad, Cuz Truant Office Ralph was big and bad... ...Big Ralph ...Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Raaaaaaaaaaalph ...Big Bad Ralph.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
In a not-quite-as-rawkus corner of SHAKES Harbinger sat getting reaquainted with her favourite on-board kitty, the sublime Fat Cramer.
said the delightful Ms Cramer to the delectable Ms 'Binger
"Ms 'Binger, oh you of the most wonderful blonde hair, apart from mentioning that you look much better now that you have had your roots done..." This illicated a titter of ammusement from the afore mentioned Ms 'Binger, who was secretly happy that someone noticed the £75 haircut she was sporting (Alan, if you read this take note!!) The wonderful Ms Cramer(*Aside** hey Chuckie if you expect 3200 words then expect a lot of pretty obvious padding in these stories okay, like think of the literary equivelent of a charity shop sofa or a pantomime Dames bra... you get the picture?)coughed politely to remind Ms 'Binger that the conversation was supposed to continue now. Like NOW already!
Okay enough padding already, it's truly awful isn't it? I mean who would resort to such an obvious cheap shot just to keep up face in a on-line wager between a fulltime working mum and a layabout writer with all day on his hands to write whenever and whatever he wants (and normally very well too, let me just add!)? Who would rise to the bait of such a ludicrous dare? Who would think, hey it's alright, I'll just eat into what little precious free time I have to compete in this obviously pointless exchange?
ME!!
And let me tell you I'll show that Abin Quank and all his alter egos and whatnot that I can write in the Tag Team too (nice aliteration don't you agree?)and not only can I write in it, I can pad like a mad demented working full time mum with not enough time on her hands to properly prepare a story for the world to read. Oh yes I can, so help me God!!
Just so you know.
Anyway, Fat Cramer, everyone's favourite Cat (Note the capital 'C' there!, Cramer is a Cat, not an everyday moggie cat, just in case you were wondering) turned to the wonderful, marvelous, literary genius that is Harbinger and said, in a remarkably fine and rich sounding voce, with a soft accent and musical candence:
"Can you get on with it now please B before I have to mawl you!"
"oh okay, I believe you were just away to ask me what happened during my 27 year stay on Apokolips"
"Why that's right dear, how ever did you know that?" Cramers slightly surprised reply gave a hint that she was beginning to believe there was more to the short but perfectly formed woman sat before her. Was 'Binger a telepath? Was she showing genuine precognitive abilities? The thought was a shock to the usually unruffelable Ms Cramer (GREAT word by the way - UNRUFFELABLE, I just made it up! Cramer, you just had a word made up to describe how cool you are! How fab is that? Bet everyone else is jealous, as they should be!).
"Because I'm writing this bit of the story and it's the first thing that came into my head"
"Oh, that's alright then"
"Yes isn't it, I thought so too you know"
With a glint in her eye and the lazy flicking of a claw Fat Cramer replied "That's nice dear now could you be a love and get on with it now?"
-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
"so" the unruffelable Ms Cramer began, "is it true, all those terrible stories that your lodger's big brother has been spreading about you.."
before she could finish Harbringer cut in "I never let Darksied do THAT to me, never never never! Not that he would do anyway, he told me that he only liked to sleep with women in the missionary position. No sertiously Cramey, that's what he said, though going by the way Missionaries were treated upon arrival in Apokololips over the years I'm glad I never found out through first hand experience. I never was one for chains and hot iron pokers and all those hoods and spiked caskets and bamboo under the fingernails and pins in the genitals and whatnot" her hair flying in all directions much like Goldie Hawn does in interviews these days to kind of look cute and young and coy and girlie, but we all know that really it's to blur her crows feet. Not that the delightful Harbinger has crows feet, of course. No, no way Hose, none at all.
"Actually Numf-el has been saying that you decorated a castle at the heart of Apokolololopis (((*aside* they had been drinking you know, lets face it that is when people are far more likely to sit down and unburden their life's story on a relative stranger, sorry, maybe I should have mentioned that wee fact earlier in the story - but then I'd never be able to pad out this paragraph if I had done so it's just as well really, I do have a bet on you know!))) all in shades of pink, with pretty Voile curtains and doilies and lacey bits and velvet drapes and all manner of fluffy floor coverings in the smallest room?"
"No, the cupboard under the stairs was painted blue, just for contrast"
"I meant the bathroom"
"I knew that but was doing a bit more padding to this post"
"oh, so what did you do for those twenty seven years then 'Binger, and stop padding too and just tell it like it was"
Cramers blunt statement didn't hide her obvious concern at the potential traumas her comrade in arms may have had to face whilst living in the domain of the Dark Lord himself.
"Actually, it was alright once I had Darkseid properly trained to put in a few plug-in airfresheners to get rid of the smell of sulphur and brimstone, supply me with freshly picked flowers on a weekly basis and give me his platinum cards to shop with."
"really...?"
"Really! Let me tell you Cramer, it wasn't what you would expect at all..."
-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
But let us take a break from the conversation these two delightful ladies are having, and may I say that the way you are writing, Harbinger, I could never believe all those AWFUL things you supposedly have done in the last few pages of this thread. Such nasty rumors! Dear, dear, it looks like someone has a vendetta against you. My sincerest compliments...
Anyway...
Lightning Lad was enjoying a nice comfortable day in the Leader's room. With STU, Nightcrawler and He Who Wanders all off Legion World for now, the job of (temporary) leader had fallen to him. He almost hoped they would never return.
On one side of the Leader's Room 9which should really be Leader's RoomS) was the most sophisticated, most technologically advanced computer in the whole galaxy. Multiple monitor screens looked out from above the keyboard, each one tuned into a different channel. Aside from the LMBPers private rooms and the private areas of the public restrooms, the rotating security cameras were trained on every conrer of every room deemed important enough to warrant observing, and a few were there just for fun. There were monitors set for every channel in the Great Galaxy Network, and in a carefully organized drawer there were all kinds of holos for viewers of all ages. Behind the cabinet, you can find a button hidden away. Press this button and you would get instant access to the security tapes of Legion World. And hidden away in the back of the vault where these tapes are kept, in a smaller safe of their very own, are the security tapes from Cobalt's Security Office and Varalent's Variable Villa, which STU, Nightcrawler and LL take turns borrowing. In special demand right now was the one involving Dolly the Sheep and Dolly the Crash Dummy.
Elsewhere in the large, elegantly furnished room, you can find a bar filled with the finest wines in the galaxy, and platters of the most delicious snacks from all over it. Large slabs of Cloned green bacon sit next to a collection of the finest cheeses from earth and beyond, in a glass case to which STU has the only key. The large four-poster bed has bedsheets of the finest silk, no less than a dozen pillow, whose softness is just so. The ceiling is decorated with portraits of STU's many forms, all 2417 ? of them. The eyes of each form are jewels, sparkling diamonds, bloodred rubies, perfectly-shaped firedrops, glowing moonstones, sapphires of the deepest blue or emeralds of the darkest green.
All the light in the room emanates from the walls, and there is no visible light source. The occupant needs only speak, and the light will be adjusted to his or her preference.
N\I would take you on a tour of the living room and the bathroom, with all the interesting things that can be found there, but for now we must focus on the monitor room.
As Lightning Lad relaxed in the soft, reclining armchair, nibbling on a cloned green BLT, his eyes scanned the various monitor screens.
IB, Cobie, Abin Q and Lardy were still Laughing Their Asses Off in SHAKES, and the other patrons were looking at said asses with great interest. Semi and Vee were trying to calm them down, as they had knocked three tables over already.
Fat Cramer and Harbinger were having the most delightful conversation, and looking very out of place in a bar. One wonders why they weren;t relaxing in cafe Cramer instead.
Grey Birdboy was flying in the Great Library. The bookcases reached up into the ceiling, which was three stories high. Below him, Portfolio Boy and Quislet, Esq were perusing their chosen books with absorbed interest. It was a quiet place, with comfortable cushions for those who wanted to read, and working tables for those who wanted to write. Danny Blaine was using one of those, finishing up his latest story.
Kid Prime was training the newbies in the gymnasium. He had set it to the environment of Mirror World, and was enjoying himself as the newbies mistakenly kept blasting one mirror after another, instead of their true targets. Lash Lad and Ultra-Matt were lifting weights side by side, Ultra-Matt urging the less experienced Lash on. Princess Crujectra was keeping pace on the treadmill, but every so often she would steal glances at Ultra-Matt.
Deanlegion, Sonnie Bloke and Arachne were working in the studio, each creating vastly different masterpieces. Other Legion Worlders were also there, working on their own pieces. LL promised himself to check back on them later, so he could watch their talents made concrete.
His eyes swept over each of the screens in turn, until one of them caught his eye and held it. The figure there was one not known to him, but it radiated an aura of pure malevolence. And cold fear. LL had been nervous before, such as the day he had proposed to his wife, and he had been afraid many times too. But this was so much more tha fear. It was pure, mind-numbing terror.
He told the computers to check their files for the figure, then hastily averted his eyes fro the screen. He told himself he shouldn;t be afraid, but he couldn't help it. That figure must have been a metahuman. It must have been.
A loud beep jerked him from his thoguhts. The computer had found a profile. Quickly scanning it, he felt his throat tighten even more. That man posed a deadly threat to one of them. A threat of a fate even worse than death.
Cobie was covered in spilled boze from the three tables he had overturned, but he was enjoying himself so much he didn't care. Poor Numf!
Vee spoke up with an apologetic cough. "Um, guys, can you please stop rolling on the floor now? These gentlemen over at this table would like to dance now, and..."
"Oops! Sorry, Vee" Cobie said, still chuckling. He slowly stood up, and tried to steady himself. He helped IB up, and Abin . Lardy was busy mopping up all the beer he had spouted.
"Whew, that was some laugh. I'm all tired out!" said IB.
"Yeesh, kid, you're tired already? At this rate, you're never gonna survive the Empress!" said Lardy with a big fat grin.
Abin Q and Cobie were ready to start rolling on the floor again at the look on IB's face.
Luckily for Semi and Vee, Outdoor Miner 'ported in at just that moment. Unluckily for everyone else, the news he brought would wreck the rest of the day for them something awful.
posted
The door of SHAKES burst open, and in walked Truant Officer Ralph!
The room fell quiet instantly, and he never spoke a single word. His mere resence sent chills up and down every spine and sensory organ the patrons had.
He walked slowly to the bar, where Semi and Vee were. They were both rooted to the spot.
"Where is the kid called Invisible Brainiac?" he said, pronouncing the word "kid" with much contempt. "Don't try to hide him from me. I know he's in here." he said, leaning towards Semi.
"Um, uh, th-there aren't any k-k-kids n here. This is a b-b-bar, after all."
"Are you lying to me?" T. Officer Ralph asked, ever-so-calmly. "I can sense him here. I can sense any kid," again, with a lot of contempt, "anywhere. And I can scare anyone bad. You feel your heart beating fast right now? That's because of me."
Saying this, he dangled Semi from his hand, three inches above the floor.
Vee spoke up. "I d-don't care how b-big, b-bad, s-sc-scary and u-u-ugly you are, we've told you that there aren;t any k-k-kids here. N-now, put him down."
T O Ralph tuned to Vee with a scowl, his other hand pulled back into a fist. He was only five inches away. Vee closed his eyes;l he knew this was going to hurt.
And it did, though not in the way he intended.
He felt a weight fall on him. It was too light for the wine cabinet... He tried to push it off him, and then he realized it was Semi. "You okay?" he asked quickly, wiping his forehead.
"Yeah... that guy's nose started twitching, and then he driopped me. He ran out of SHAKES like he was a straight prude someone had hit on!"
Vee groaned. "I have a feeling IB won't be around tomorrow..."
posted
TO Ralph was following hs nose. He could smell the little brat; he was very close. He rounded the corner...
And he saw a gigantic baby carriage, being wheeled by three drunks, a golden-haired woman, a large frowning Bug and a Cat.
"Darn, my nose must be clogged."
He began picking his nose as he walked up to them.
"Any of you seen a 16-year old kid, dark brow hair and eyes, about 5'8, likes to wear black, goes by the moniker Invisible Brainiac?" He turned to the woman. "You should know, you're a teacher, aren't you?"
"Oh, how did you guess, officer? You're such an observant man!" Harbinger said, using her sweetest voice. "But I'm afraid the only kid here is my little Numfie! Isn't he cute!" she simpered, pinching "Numfie"'s cheek.
"Ouch!" said "Numfie".
TO Ralph's eyebrow raised, in the manner of one who had just seen someone who was so obviously hiding something. "That's a mighty deep voice for a baby."
"Oh, he's advanced for his age!' said Cobie with a large "oh-my-grife-we're-in-big-trouble" type smile, as he shoved a baby bottle into "Numfie"'s mouth, and patted him on the head, while Lardy frantically tried to tell him that the bottle he was holding was filled with beer since there wasn;t any milk available.
"And he just hates it when Mommy pinches his cheek with her ultra-long and sharp fingernails, and uses her bimbo voice on him without thinking, doesn't he?" said Abin Q, with a meaningful glance at Harbi.
"Well, he hates it even more when Daddy reads him a story he wrote and then leaves it in the middle because he can't be bothered to finish it!" Harbi said, glaring at Abin Q.
"Oh, really know? Well, he hates it even more when Mommy pads her writing with silly little side comments' Abin Q shot back with a growl.
"Oh, and I suppose Daddy thinks Mommy has nothing better to do with her time than thinking of stories, and doesn;t even care that I had to stop my delightful conversation with the wonderful fat Cramer to help out with his hare-brained scheme?" Harbi said, grinding her heel into the pavement.
"Well, Mommy couldn't possibly know how much is at stake with this 'hare-brained scheme', and how important it is for it to be successfuly sccomplished? Or how obviou her attempts at padding were?"
"Those attempts at padding WERE supposed to be obvious, you little twit!"
"Oh, then you couldn't be bothered to actually write something useful, could you? Not like with your onevisions? Is going solo so much more important to you than working as a team? Or are the things thy say about you true?"
"Why you little..."
"Now, stop it! I am going to search that carriage!" said TO Ralph, whuile he was still picking his nose. There was more dirt in there than he had thought. But then, he didn;t need his nose to know that these two nuts were obviously lying.
Of course, neither Narbi nor Abin Q were paying any attention to him.
Harbinger was now an EAW, or an Extremely Angry Woman, something which was rarely seen on Legion World. This only occurs when someone makes a SIC. (Stupid, Insensitive Comment) As extremely angry women are prone to do, she picked up the nearest available object, which happened to be Fat Cramer. And as EAW usually threw next, they threw the objects they have just picked up at the object of their anger.
Now, poor Fat Cramer should have landed on Abin Q, but because TO Ralph was not only much taler but also standing in front of him, she landed on his head instead. Being no ordinary cat, but a Cat with a Capital C, she would normally not have scratched him in fright, but would have jumped gracefully down onto the ground. But being a very special Cat, she could easily tell the difference between friends and enemies, and so she dug her claws into TO Ralph's face.
At this point, IB fell out of the carriage because the eer had made him drunk.
"Damn, let's get out of here" said Cobie. "Stop it already, you two, your act was convincing enough!" he yelled at Harbi and Abin Q, who were trying to wrestle with each other.
"Who said we were acting?" asked Harbi.
"Yeah, she couldn;t act to save her life!" said Abin Q, just before a high-heeled shoe broke his nose.
"Whatever." said Lardy, rolling his eyes. "You should both have gotten drunk, then you wouldn't have noticed those hidden insults. Like me, when I'm drunk you can insult me all you want and I won't care!"
"We should be going now." said OM, not wanting to hear any more silly talk. He grabbed IB, Lardy, Cobie, Harbi and Abin Q and ported away.
"Get off me, you stupid cat!" yelled TO Ralph, grabbing Fat Cramer, tearing her off his face and throwing her against a wall. "Now you made me lose that punk kid!" He said, as he prepared to stomp on Fat Cramer with his big boots.
"Ha... Stoopid Cat's... my brother... My name is... Fat Cramer... you bozo..."
"Good, now I know what to put on your headstone."
"The only headstone around here is the one taking the place of your brain." said OM, as he ported in, grabbed fat Cramer and ported them both to safety.
"Damn!" said TO Ralph, stomping his foot on the ground anyway. Stupid animals! If only his powers worked on them! Oh well, they worked on people just fine. And that teacher. She would help him. He would make her.
posted
“Hey, Blue Boy, wha’ you do?” asked the small oriental girl. “Why the hell do you keep calling me Blue Boy?” asked Numf, as he prowled, cat-like, back and forth along the edge of the dumpster. He had been doing so for the past few minutes, keeping eye contact with the villagers. Only their heads moved, like a slow motion crowd shot at Wimbledon, following the prowl. “’Cos you blue. I lovely honey colour, villagers terracotta colour – you fuckin’ blue. You ultra-violet. Villagers think you a ghost,” replied the girl. “Me, a ghost? Fuck no. I heard that this was a haunted village – I thought this lot were the ghosts. They’re standing so still I thought they were Zombies. So, if they’re not zombies, then why on earth are they standing staring like that?” asked Numf. “They see naked ultra-violet man and think he ghost. They may be shit themselves seeing ghost – but they still zombies,” the girl told him, a naughty little smirk on her face. “Like I said, I’m not a ghost – I’m Scottish, this is our natural colour. It takes me a weeks sunbathing to go white. I’m not a ghost – cut me and I bleed,” he explained. “Good, I think that what they want to see,” the girl laughed. “Shit, who’s side are you on?” asked Numf a bit anxiously. “Me no care, me just along for ride.” “Oh, chuffin’ great. Any idea how we get out of here?” “What you mean “we”, paleface?” “I mean – you come with me, I promise you the ride of your life, little girl,” vowed Numf. “Not from where I standing,” the cheeky wee bint replied, staring rather un-subtly at Numfs wedding tackle, which withered further under her gaze.
---------Interlude-----------
And now a word from our sponsors…
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posted
Numf stood stock still, facing the crowd, ramrod straight. His eyes were closed. He waited.
Slowly he raised his arms from his sides to approx 45 degrees from his head. His palms were open, implying honesty.
The crowd gasped in anticipation. At least they would have done if they hadn’t been silent zombies.
This would have been the place for gasps of antici……say it!…..pation.
------------Interlude--------------
Listen, just get off my back – I never claimed that any of this was original. If you don’t like it then I’ll at least try and plagerise less obvious stuff, okay? Where do you think Tarantino would be if you didn’t recognise the plagerism in his stories, eh? Homage, that’s what it is. Or maybe you can write some original stuff yourself. Think you can do better? Great, come onboard and start up a story line of your own……..Don’t think you can do better? Get writing anyway. Give it a try. Have some fun. You don’t even need any ideas – just take a story line and run, see where you end up. Cobies started a few – just go back a few pages, see one that interests you, and get on with it.
Good.
------------End interlude-----------
“Yeah, okay, Mr Blue, get on with it already!” came a small, heavily accented voice from the front. Numf opened his eyes, staring straight ahead. Using his periferal vision he spotted, as suspected, the small oriental girl staring up at him, smirk on face, arms crossed, tapping her feet on the sun dried mud street. “I have a dream!” He spoke slowly, and strongly, hiding quite well the fact that his stomach was rolling with all the alcohol from the previous nights drinking. He was trying to not think of various scenes from the film Trainspotting.
“I have a VISION ! ! !” he said. This got everybodies attention. Okay, he had it already, but that’s not the point. His oratory skills were unsurpassed, at least in that town, on that day. However, he hadn’t counted on the constant heckling.
“Scotsmen, and Mexican Zombies, arm in arm, playing together….” Numf noticed a red light flashing in each and every set of Zombie eyes, and they started to edge forward, as if angrily.
“Hey , Blue Boy, you tw@. We in Panama. Not Mexico.”
“Oh, shit, now you tell me. Scotsmen and PANAMANIAN ZOMBIES,” he said, raising his voice to be heard above the silent shuffling, “arm in arm, playing together in ummm,” he faltered, before coming up with a brilliant idea (thanks Harbi!) “together in the world famous Shameless Hussies! Numf-El and 300 zombies in the Shameless Hussie!”
“Hey, Blue Boy, they no’ speekee de Eeenglish. You no’ speak Portuguese?”
“Um, obragad’, conterattack, Chine!” said Numf with some pride. The only three words of Portuguese he had picked up on his honeymoon in the Algarve. Fucking shocking. Hello, counterattack and China. Great fucking help. But fairly useful if you want to help the Portuguese air-force after the Chinese have captured Lisbon.
“How ‘bout Spanish?”
“¿Olé ? Well, how about you tell them for me?” pleaded Numf.
“You a miserable little pleader! But I do it for you.” And so saying the small oriental girl turned and relayed in the local dialect the vision for the Zombies, who had, thankfully, stopped the shuffling.
After she had finished, she waited for a few minutes, turning from zombie to zombie as if listening to a silent conversation.
She turned to look at Numf again. “Okay Blue Boy, wha’ the plan?” she asked.
“Well, first I’ve got to get some clothes, then I’ve got to climb the Andes, learn to fight like a Kaolin monk and then banish the seven deadly sins, and then I’ll drop past on the way back home, and we’ll all go for a pint,” said Numf, matter-of-factly.
“So, you climb mountain, fight sloths and make porcelain plates? How we trust you to come back?” asked the small oriental girl whose name we had better learn soon, ‘cos I’m pissed off writing small oriental girl all the time.
“Listen, ah’ll have you know I’m a fuckin’ superhero!” said Numf, losing his temper and waggling his finger at her. “And therefore I am above reproach. I rank amongst the very best that the LMBP have to offer!”
“You do what? Oh, rank, that’s okay then. No, you no supahero, you naked blue man in dumpster.”
posted
“Okay, I know, why don’t I take someone along with me? That way they can guarantee that I come back this way. The only problem is that I don’t want someone that’s going to slow me down. And one thing that you notice about Zombies is that they’re generally pretty bloomin’ slow,” said Numf, after a pause to reflect on the myriad possibilities. “So, little girl, that means you.” “I no little girl”, started the little girl. “Fuck me, you’re a pretty unconvincing bloke then,” replied Numf. “You’re not one of them Ladyboys, are you?” “No, I not girl, I woman. I twenty free. I got good skin. You no call me girl. I tall, too. I five foot two. Tall as nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah -Angus. You no call me little no more. I break your balls,” spat, ummm……the tall, fresh complexioned oriental woman? “Hey, fair points all round,” said Numf, backing away from the vehemence. “So, what should I call you?” “You call me Kaant, ‘cos that my name.” “Okay, Kaant. I can see that we’re going to have some fun with that name. So, I need to find some clothes, and then we can wave goodbye…” “No – first you need bath. You stink. You covered in rubbish and stink of beer. You need bath or I turn you over to Zombies to eat your bones,” said Kaant. “Okay, dokay. You have a pretty convincing manner about you, you know.”
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