posted
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 21, 2002 02:54 PM
"We must use one of those Newcru-visors, Nerd-revisors, whatEVER, to track them. Or at least we could, if only they had one, since they emit a unique energy signature which we could easily trace."
"We're in luck!" Dark Lardlad exclaimed. "Unnamed villainess stole my Nubilizer, Neuterizer,--WAIT, SORRY, THAT WAS A BAD ONE," he says as the males hands instinctively move to cover their privates again.
Meanwhile, Esther Rolle and Frankie Muniz, who had taken Grey Birdboy to the hospital, pretty much dropped out of the story at this point, until their big cameo at the end.
But, unnoticed by the other heroes, the Polecat had...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Thriftshop Debutante Member July 21, 2002 06:27 PM
was re-reading his TPB of the The Great Darkness Saga.
Hey, we should do a spell like they did on The Sorceror's World, he thought. I'll go tell the guys.
So he did, and they did. Well, the magically-inclined ones did anyway. The others went and fixed their hair, called their agents, et cetera.
...and down from the sky floated a page from a Hoyle card-game book. The Polecat grabbed it and began to read.
"This is the key", he told the assemblage. "Look here - one way to win the game is to shoot the moon - take all the tricks."
Which caused a buzz of excitement among certain members until P.C. clarified that that meant to win all twelve plays in a single hand.
"It took us about six deus-ex-machinas last time to survive the moon fragments!" cried poverty lad. "What are we gonna do?"
He Who Wanders (who, if not in the story previously, sure is now) had started reading the Hoyle page.
"We must tap into the Pinochle Force! See, here it says that anyone holding a queen of spades AND a jack of diamonds - that's called a pinochle - gets forty points. But if you have BOTH queens of spades and BOTH jacks of diamonds gets it's worth 300 points! Just what we need to fight something 300 times as evil!"
"So we should throw cards at the one called the one?" someone with a secret crush on Gambit asked.
"But we haven't any cards", said Faraway Lad. "Wait a minute...."
All eyes turned to the deck of cards Leap Year Lass had left behind. Interestingly enough, the four cards in question had "This one!" "This one!" "This one!" "And this one!" written on them in large letters in LYL's unmistakable handwriting.
"So now do we throw them?"
"No throwing", said HWW. "See, these four cards aren't very powerful on their own, but in a group, they become very important - they named the game after them, you know. Plus that's a good healthy metaphor/message that will help us slide all the potty humor past the Comics Code pinheads. We must choose our champions and connect them to the force."
In short order, Lucien Lad and Tsarin Lad (aka Mystery Lad) were chosen to represent diamonds, and Newcru and Beagle Boy for spades. (There was some brief howling until someone spelled out S-P-A-D-E to Beagz.)
A little magic, a little dance, a little seltzer in the pants... and with a flash (not the Empress) the four heroes entered the Force.
"It's all so clear", said Lucien Lad in a now-otherwordly voice. Here's what we must do...."
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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"Huh?!?! Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Gary Coleman said in response.
(Interjection: Bear with me here...it's not that big a stretch! After all...we DID have Frankie Muniz and Esther Rolle in this one! So apparently child actors and/or sitcom actors are fair game! And no one noticed I slipped Carnie Wilson in on page two! Go ahead...look. I double dog dare ya!)
"No...he's right, Gary," Tsarin Lad said calmly, "the rest of us saw it, too. The pinochle spell made it clear that if we all go on a shopping spree and buy and put on outrageous clothes---preferably women's clothes...with sequins---it'll fulfill a cosmic convergence, and we'll all magically appear in the lair of the bed-casting nemesis!"
"That's pretty f**kin' f**ked up," said Potty-Mouth Master.
"Well...if we must, we must," sighed Faraway Lad.
"NORM!" yelled Non-sequitor enthusiastically.
Pretty soon they were at the Shopping Mall planetoid blowing outrageous sums of credits on some of the most godawful-eyesore dresses you've ever seen. Some, like Lardlad and Cobalt, felt strangely at ease in their new accoutrements. Lucien Lad was so much in seventh heaven that a mission actually required shopping that he felt he could die happy that day.
After almost an entire day of rampant shopping, they were finished. Soon, they all emerged from their dressing rooms. They regrouped and joined together arm-in-arm and proudly marched through the mall doors, chorus line style. Gary shined a spotlight on them, and the light from their sequins shone like a totally fabulous sun. The light built up stronger until they all vanished in a bright flare that temporarily blinded all the spectators. But as they regained their composure (if not their sight), the spectators erupted into a thunderous round of applause.
Soon the assembled LMB (now standing for the "Legion of Macho Broads") appeared in the lair of their bed-casting nemesis. The first thing they saw as they gained their senses was......
[ October 13, 2003, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: Kid Prime ]
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Thriftshop Debutante Member July 22, 2002 08:24 PM
MEANWHILE AND ELSEWHERE
After too many hassles while clothes shopping The Polecat turned to mail order, and had begged off the mall expedition. He picked up the Great Darkness Saga TPB again and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw the penultimate page of part two:
Ultra Boy: And it looks like the teachers found us a TRUMP CARD.
"Okay, so what card is the trump card?"
None too familiar with card games that required more than one player, he scrambled around until he found the Hoyle page.
"Oh, there isn't just one, it's the entire suit...which suit though? OK, it changes every hand." He flipped the page over. "The person who takes the bid decides trump."
Just then, a telepathic taunt thundered through Polecat's skull:
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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...ask Pol Krinn to sacrifice himself to open a gigantic metaphorical keyhole to unlock a secret stash of the stuff left long ago by a long-dead drag queen wizard whose name is lost to antiquity. He took Gary Coleman with him.
So after giving Pol a quicky memorial service, the assembled heroes in drag gathered the swag and took it to where the drag vanguard of the enemy awaited. Before they could attack the heroes, they noticed the Cherr-Berr Gelato, dove into it and started gorging themselves.
The heroes in drag easily slipped past them. Then, they saw a great huge gilded doorway that led to the throneroom of the enemy. A sign on it said, "whosoever wisheth to entereth this doorway must offereth uppeth a sacrifice of one of those among them to unlock its keyhole."
"I want my MTV!" shouted Non-sequitor.
"Oh, damn, not again! Who thinks up this crap?!?!" cried Lucien. "And we've already used Pol!"
"And Gary Coleman, too!" sighed Newcru.
"Gosh...who can we ask to die this time?" Cobalt despaired.
After a long, pregnant pause, a voice rose above the others proclaiming, "I'll do it"
Everyone whirled around and was amazed to see the voice belonged to..........
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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Leaning on a cane and still heavily bandaged, from his hideous mutilation. The quicker picker upper, shuffled forward.
"I tried to stop him" honestly I did, said Stock Hospital Nurse, adjusting the front of her already low cut nurses uniform so that it showed even more cleavage.
"Look, stop trying to build your character in to a larger part" Said Lash Lad
"Thats not all thats building into a larger part" said Faraway who for some reason could not seem to look Stock Hospital Nurse in the Eye, or indeed any part of the anatomy higher that her ample cleavage.
"Wow!" said Cobalt Kid, "I can only hope you try to stop me next beautiful, I can tell you I woun't be rushing to get past you for a load of men in drag"
"But why would you be willing to sacrifice yourself Gray" Asked LardLad
"to live without wings is no life, I would rather do this and at least help you to defeat this evil plan than live another day unable to soar and swoop under a warm sun"
However before anyone could answer this there was a deafening swooshing sound and turning the heroes saw..........
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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"Where the hell did you come from?" queried LardLad?
"Beats me - that was 15 posts ago. Before you sacrifice the crippled Bird guy, I have a suggestion..." With that, she reached into Graybird's ass and pulled out...a small key!
"What the hell is that for? That is way too small to do us any good!" whined Cobalt Kid.
"It's a metaphorical key, you jackass. How else are you going to open a metaphorical lock?"
Faraway insited the nurse try to take down his swelling.
Non-Sequiter said, "Did you know that even though children are smaller than adults, they often weigh less?"
Lash Lad took the key, walked up to the keyhole, and inserted the metaphorical key into the metaphorical lock. The gates trembled with a metaphorical groan, and began to slowly open to reveal...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Eryk Davis Ester Member July 24, 2002 12:26 PM
...The Tid-D Bowl Man's Giant Toilet of Doom!!! Our heroes were suddenly sucked inside, the door closing after them, as LYL cackled in the background.
"Wait, I just remembered," Faraway Lad said. "Leap-Year Lass is working for the enemy! We shouldn't have trusted her!"
Inside the Commode of Chaos, there was another prisoner. He was among the most handsome humans any of them had ever seen.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Xan Orbal," the prisoner says. "I used to work for the one called the one, but was imprisoned here when I betrayed the one by helping her enemy, the Tid-D Bowl Man."
"Why did you betray the one?" He Who Wanders (whose was arbitrarily inserted into the story awhile back but hasn't done much since) says.
"Because of the severe disfigurement she caused me."
"Excuse me, but you don't seem to be very disfigured to me," Lash Lad said, admiringly.
"No, I mean disfigured down there..." the doc says, causing the heroes once again the discomfort of remembering the nature of the villainesses plot.
Meanwhile, the single male hero who wasn't trapped in the Toilet of Doom was the Polecat, who ditched the main plotline a few posts ago, and was doing the whole "hocus-pocus", weird telepathic signals about what to do thing. As he sat meditating on the situation, he...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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...realized he was the one hero who could easily survive the Trapper Crapper, since it couldn't stink any worse than he did. "Might even be an improvement," he mused.
Our aromatic hero drove off to the Commode of Chaos in his super-hero vehicle, the Odor-Motor. As he arrived, he saw Leap Year Lass standing outside, cackling evilly. Realizing Leap Year Lass was either up to no good or else had just snorted a lot of nitrous oxide, Polecat turned his back to her, raised his tail, and fired a...well, you don't want to know what he fired. Leap Year Lass turned around too late, and was quickly rendered unconscious by the odor.
"Not gettin' your hands near my butt," thought Polecat. "Don't need a weed-whacker comin' outta there."
Non-sequitor asked, "Did you know that even though a gazelle is faster than a racehorse, a gazelle has never won the Kentucky derby?"
Our putrid protagonist noticed the door had not closed all the way. He forced the door open wide enough to squeeze in, and before long...
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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he had squeezed himself inside. Unfortunately he had also managed to squeeze a few Zits in the process and the resultant mess had proved too overpowering even for the polecat. Overcome he collapsed to the floor.
All was still and quiet.
Then from out of a mysterious cloud which had mysteriously appeared for no other reason that plot necessity, stepped Mystery Lad. With a mysterious smile he stepped forward.
Faraway Lad, who was always the last to do anything, looked up before being overcome by the power of the toilet of doom, " Mystery Lad, I wondered where you had got to" he croaked before collapsing to the floor.
MY mysterious powers will be able to help the LMBP defeat this evil plot, Said Mystery Lad, "but it must be done in a mysterious way, more mysterious indeed than a professor of mystery at the university of mystery, who has just created the ultimate mystery"
And with that Mystery Lad turned and.........
-------------------- White. A blank page or canvas. His favorite. So... many... possibilities.
From: Birmingham, AL | Registered: Jul 2003
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