Eddie Tor has returned from his trip to the intergalactic rest-room and is talking to his staff, Trixie, and several gnomes, let's listen in.
"Ummm... uhhh... Listen youse guys, I don't know wot kinda nuttyness ben goin on in dis here story, like, whilst I went ta da can. But we gotta git dis Numfpbie guy under 'n exclusibe contact, like quicks. His crap ain't crap like da rest o' da crap. His crap is good crap."
Trixie shuffles her papers and smiles as Eddie Expounds on the direction the story took during her unplanned editorial tenure. But she is completely unready for his next statement.
"Trixie, I wants ya ta goe ta Scotland, which I tink is somewhere east o' Iceland an nort o' Whales but not as far west as Amsterdammit, but dis guy might go dere too. Jes do whatevers ya gots ta ta git him signed up permenent like.
* Quaalude Wears Off *
-------------------- Just an Old, Broke-Down, Drunk, Bum!!
With a Power Ring...
From: Westerly Rhode Island | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Half an hour later, as Numf ran around flapping his arms like a demented chicken, everyone sat around and laughed at him. Against their better natures, Harbinger had persuaded them not to tell Numf that he was going about it all wrong. A few even added their own advice, running up and down flapping their own arms to show Numf where he was going wrong.
The alien hoardes had been vanquished by the use of brute force and bloody-mindedness, the camera crews had had their cameras shoved somewhere much more interesting, and the “poor white trash” had been returned to their trailer parks to drink beer in their vests and watch soap operas.
Cobalt Lad sidled up to Harbinger and spoke sotto voce. “Does Numf realise that there isn’t actually a border between Texas and Kansas, and that you just used it for comedic effect?” “I really wasn’t joking about my hemmorrhoid, Cobie.Well, apart from the fact that I don’t actually have any. I trust that was why you were staring so intently at my skin-tight-lycra covered arse.” “So, what do you think the chances are of him actually being my son Harbi,” replied Cobie, neatly avoiding the charge of staring at Harbis rather luscious arse. “Only, the Child Support Agency have been hassling me non-stop for the past 52 minutes, since the revelation was made. And they’re saying that I’m owe 39 years worth of back payment.”
posted
“Does anybody want to join Numf and I on a small trip across to Scotland to try to uncover the horrible origins behind Golden Girl, and just exactly why she should have it in for Cobalt Lad?” asked Harbi. “What do you mean “Numf and I”? I was planning on going by myself, “ gasped Numfy incredulously. “And you think I’m going to trust you to spend all my money on booze and then have the braincells left to pick up some rowies on the way back?” retorted Harbi, hands on hips, staring down at poor Numf in a manner which brooked no argument. Having picked up on the fact that Numf & Harbi did not much more than argue with each other, and slag each other off, unsurprisingly there were no takers. Being either a gooseberry or else a sandwich filler to their arguments was not something that many would willingly choose. There may have been more takers if the offer had just been as a sandwich filling between Numf & Harbinger. Or then again there may not.
I'm quite enjoying this little exchange of dialogue . Keep it comin Numf! Chuck and I have needed someone else to come in and give us a bit of a break!
*end interlude*
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
“Look kid, I don’ts know how ta break dis to ya, buts ya gotsta steps it up in yer writin. I means da jokes gotsta be funnier an’ da visuals ya leaves ‘em wit needs ta be being more spectaculr. Dat’s if ya wants ta keep yer position in dis writin rotator. Rite now you is nummer 5 in a 4 writer rotator, an’ unless ya wants ta devote yer full time (Shudder) ta serious stuff ya better git it in gear, if ya knows wot I mean, like.”
Ummm… look you guys, I’m gonna get on with the story in a moment, but I wanted to let you know what kind of pressure I’m working under here. I mean ever since Numf first posted a story segment… way back on page (Look up page before posting… AND… don’t forget this time) Both Cobie and I knew we were in trouble. I mean he actually knows what Haggis is, while we, (and most diners in Scottish Restaurants), just have to guess. It’s just not fair.
(Wild jump to real topic follows )
So I’m asking you, our loyal readers, to post your nominations for the funniest segment of this story… in the “2003 Legion World Bad Comedy Awards Thread” Just maybe, If we get enough responses, we can talk Cobie into MCing an awards show…
-------------------- Just an Old, Broke-Down, Drunk, Bum!!
With a Power Ring...
From: Westerly Rhode Island | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Having finally mastered the art of “standing with your fist in the air like a prick and thinking FLY YOU BASTARD”, Numfy tried hard to keep up with Harbinger as they went supersonic across the vast expanse of wet known as the Atlantic.
Unbeknownst (great word, don’t you think?) to them, they were being followed by an alien vessel.
That’s right, it was an invisible Imperial TIE fighter. Bearing down on them at well nigh , um, more than supersonic speed.
Piloted by none other than a sideways
C8<]
“By Gum I woke up with a crick in my neck this morning. Just wait a minute - I feel a strange emanation from the pair up ahead. The Force surely can’t have manifested itself on this backwards planetoid. I will have to kill them both. And then I can get on with practising the husky voice for the laydeez.”
So saying , he mentally trained his cross sights on our intrepid pair.........
And I’ll bet that Lucas won’t explain all this in Part 3. Bastard.
posted
Thankfully not all was lost, as Eddie, the master of the Space Time Continuum, played his trump card.
As if from no-where, travelling at slightly more than more than supersonic speed,appeared.... No, not Roadrunner - the Star Ship Enterprise. “Scotty, what the fetid dingoes kidneys was that?” asked JT Kirk, captain no less of the badly drawn Enterprise.
“Dinna ask me - it’s as if we’ve been ripped out of our own time, thrust through eddies in the Space Time continuum and end up on , let me see, is this no’ Earth?” hypothesised Chief Engineer Scott.
“Illogical Captain, but it appears quite correct” interjected some pointy eared soul-less bloke.
“Chuffin’ great Captain, can we stop aff at a wee bakery that I know in Aiberdeen and get a shit-load of rowies. They’re Ace, man, ahm tellin’ ye,” begged Scotty.
“I’ve heard of them. 21st century comestibles, 500 calories a piece and taste like manna from heaven? Lard, salt and flour in equal proportions, baked until golden brown, and then rubbed in Claudia Schiffers pussy.” recalled Kirk.
“Yes, Cap’n, they really are that good,” enthused Scotty.
“Good man Scotty, point the way. “What the buggeration was that - it felt like we hit something”
“I see a splash in the ocean below, we’d better turn round and pick up any survivors, Captain” spake the logical one.
“Awa’ and stick yer heid up yer spotty airse man - if we hurry we can get to the Aitkens bakery while the rowies are still waarm”objected the chief engineer.
“Very valid point Mr Scott - ahead warp factor 9.”
"Captain, I've just heard a communication from the invisible vessel that has just splashed down" interrupted a rather gorgeous afro-american female with a loo-roll sticking out of her ear.
"Go ahead Lieutenant."
"It simply went "Numf, join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and s...." and then there were just gurgles."
"Whatever. Where are these rowies then Mr. Scott?"
[ November 29, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Numf El ]
posted
Meanwhile, while Numf-El and Harbinger searched for the Origins of Golden Girl, and Dusty Baker and Rody the Super Rat had their own adventure back in time with the planet Pluto, the LMBP learned in horror that the universe was still under attack!
The Time Mouse Trapper had moved the Cogaaad, the giant consortium of gaint ants from a yellow sun to under a red sun, which suddenly gave them the power of one hundred Daxamites! Further, this increase of power drove them all temporarily mad, allowing the Time Mouse Trapper to use them as his army, to destroy the universe!
While his time disturbances had been countered by Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac, this new plan of the TMT appeared to be the doom of the LMBP...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
One of the Giant Ants did not succumb to maddness, for he was a brillant scientist, P'ym H'enry, who also weilded great power! For he was a giant ant who was able to shrink down the size of a normal man, and communicate with men too! Naming himself Ant-Man, P'ym had sent a communication to the LMBP to Outdoor Miner, a fellow alien, giving him the secrets of the Time Mouse Trapper so that he could be defeated! Outdoor Miner, however, had been drinking since page two, and was hammered and unable to comprehend what was happening...
Ant-Man knew that things were rough. As an honorary LMBer (in an untold story), he knew that once the LMBP learned of the Time Mouse Trapper's plan they might still not be able to defeat him. Shrinking down to man-size, he secretly travelled to the Villa du science, an istitute that he had built in a remote section of the galaxy. He quickly turned his cannon on, and aimed it at the red sun...
Suddenly, a hoard of the Cogaaad ants burst into his labrotory and swarmed around him! Ant-Man activated the cannon, but the ants proved to much for him! Attacked by his own kind, Ant-Man fell to the ground, mercilessly torn apart. He looked up at the red sun. "By all that's holy in this world, I die here today, but I know that I die a hero..." And with that, the LMBPer known as Ant-Man died...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Outdoor Miner had long since switched to bourbon and could no longer form coherent sentences. Yet, his tolerance was strong enough where his senses picked up a voice in his head that wouldn't shut up. It kept repeating the same coordinates over and over again. He felt like his head was pounding, like he would throw-up...
Suddenly Semi walked over to him, noticing that his friend was ill. "Miner, what is it?!" Vee ran over too, catching him as he fell. "Ant-Man?" said the bug. "Time...mouse...tr-trapper...? what is happening...?" Vee looked at Semi, as the two carried him to a bed. "No!" said the bug suddenly! "It's the Time Mouse Trapper!" "We know," replied Semi, "His time disturbances were just stopped" "No, giant ants, super-strong...we must do something..." ---------------------
Semi and Vee knew what to do immediately, as they turned their LMBP rings to a code red! Crusader, at the LMBP outpost recieved his call via Semi himself, as the Tranparent Fellow told him how his psionic powers may come in handy. Even from the outpost, Crusader was able to reach into Outdoor Miner's mind, and pull out the information. He gasped in horror at the knowledge that the giant ant army was wreaking havoc on the universe.
Vee turned to the monitor to see Cobalt Kid. "Still no word on Eryk Davis Ester or Dusty and Rody. But we have bad news, your alarm was too late. The army has attacked the universe. Crujectra is sending out teams now to counter the attacks. What a way to end her reign."
"No," said Vee. "Not too late. Miner has some information that might be helpful..."
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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. Keep it comin Numf! Chuck and I have needed someone else to come in and give us a bit of a break!![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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