Numf, I've been crying in laughter for the last half hour. This is the funniest story that I've ever read!
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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I thought the cheeky monkey was in my story not writing this one!
Can't get the wee laughing mannie to pop up - shall I rephrase that? The graemlin thing isn't playing - shall I try that once again? bugger you know what I mean.
great stuff Numf!
Bxx
*interlude over, get on with it now will you!******
-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
another interlude, sorry guys I'll write something here properly once my own story is done, promise!
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: . “Well, option one is for you to take all your clothes off, pour cream all over your heaving breasts…..” “That would be my magnificent heaving breasts would it ?” “Absolutely,” agreed Numf. “Licking your own nipples and inserting non-agricultural implements into your pulsating pussy while being buggered by a goat.” “And how fucking likely do you think that is?” asked Harbi. “Or….” Continued Numf. “Yes, I was hoping that you’d have one of those.” “Drugs.” “Amsterdam here we come.”
I haven't laughed so much since, well probably since Dierdre Barlow got knocked up. I am in tears with it!
You continue to excel Ken.
words fail me.
which is nice for you I'm shooor
back to the main event now
-------------------- "Tempus Fugitive" the final part of the Adventures of Dream Boy series, set in the Three-Boot Universe. Read it only in the Bits o' Legionnaire Business Forum.
From: here, more often than not | Registered: Sep 2003
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Eddie Tor is sitting in his office when Trixie returns... Nude and Dripping Wet, but smiling hugely. In her left hand is clutched a signed contract. In her right hand is a very large plastic bag filled with... well you take a guess...
She slides herself onto one corner of Eddie's desk with a dreamy expression on her face...
"What a Toblerone! ..."
For once Eddie Is Speechless...
* Quaalude wears off.... *
-------------------- Just an Old, Broke-Down, Drunk, Bum!!
With a Power Ring...
From: Westerly Rhode Island | Registered: Aug 2003
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Eddie's face is very expressive and often as colorful as his voice.
Right now it's color is crimson.
"Lemme git dis straight... Youse found dese two scotch types... follered dem ta dere hotel... jumped inna sack wit bot'o' dem... Got yerself screwed, blued, an tattoed, den got dem to sign da contract rite?"
"Lemme jes ax one more ting... Didja look at da contract after dey sighned it???"
"Jeasus, I sends ya out ta sig dis Numphfbe guy... an you come back drippin stuff on my carpet... Wasted, an carryin... and wit a contract signed by Roger Moore an' Samantha Fox????
quote:Originally posted by Numf El: ----------INTERLUDE--------- I'm just wondering how long it'll be before I get a slap from the taste police. Or Harbi for that matter. -------INTERLUDE END-------------
Numf, I don't think you have to worry about the taste police... But I'm sending you the doctor's bill from when I fell off my chair laughing...
ROTFLMAO
-------------------- Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (Just as soon as the Check Clears!)
From: The Back Office in Abin's Fixit Shop. | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
“Question for you, Harbi –Who’s blonde, has big tits and lives up a mountain in Sweden?” “No idea Numf. Heidi? The blonde one from ABBA?” “Nope. Saddam Hussein!” ----------------
As they walked through Glasgow Airport, Numf spied a National Enquirer on display at a newspaper vendor. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” “What do you mean Numf?” asked Harbi, looking around for something to have illicited Numfs outburst. “Look at that National Enquirer Celebrity Shags Special headline. Roger Moore, Sam Fox, mystery Pixie and Dolly the sheep caught by secret camera in Amsterdam brothel.” “Yeah, I know, imagine Roger…” Numf interrupted. “Roger, nothing. Dolly the sheep was our school mascot. The first ever officially cloned animal. She’s in the Guinness Book Of Records. And now she’s reduced to being just another Bond girl.” He looked as distraught as Harbi had ever seen him. His childhood hero brought low. She hugged him tight to her magnificent breast. If only she had known that this was what he’d been after all along. Certainly cheered him up though. “Ah, fuck it – let’s buy a copy and have a peek at the pictures, will we Harbi?” Two minutes later the pair were rolling around the floor LTAO.
“Hey, look Harbi, you can buy the video from those European porn suppliers, PRIVATE.”
-------------------------------------------------- 5000 miles away a certain young and very impressionable pixie was reading the same article, hidden away in a broom closet by herself.
“Bastard. I thought he said it was for HIS private collection.”
posted
Walking along Sauchiehall Street as twilight fell, Harbi & Numf soaked in the distinctive Glaswegian atmosphere. “You know something Harbi, I reckon that this is one of the best cities on earth.” “What makes you say that? It’s nothing compared to, say, Paris, New York, even London.” “It’s not so much the buildings and architecture – although the occasional Rennie-MacIntosh does stand out. No, it’s the people. The atmosphere. The adrenaline. It’s electric.” “What, you mean the fear that someone’s going to mug you any second, or else call you a Fennian Basturt, or a Fat Orange Cunt at the drop of a (possibly bowler) hat.” “Wasn’t quite what I meant, Harbi. And anyway, isn’t that a particularly stereotypical view of the common or garden variety of Weegie?” “Is it? Well, what did you mean then?” “Well, where else would you find an archbishop puking at a taxi rank? Look over there,” Numf pointed over at the aforementioned taxi rank.
+-<187@====
“Yeah, okay. I just about get your point Numf, and it’s certainly not often that you see a miniature elephant, Shelob and the Bride of Frankenstein walking up the street together neither.”
6\/) /\oo/\ ',',',',': )
“Tell me Numfy, you didn’t happen to find yourself a list of characters that you could draw using standard keyboard symbols, did you? And feel that you might look smart somehow by throwing in a few.” “Who, me?”
What they didn’t notice was a strange, black-attired man with a crick in his neck, wearing a gasmask, following them at a distance. Dripping water.
[ December 06, 2003, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Numf El ]
posted
“Hey, Gimp Boy! You should well stoap wi’ that smokin’ lark. It’s fair fuckin’ up yer breathin’ but,” shouted the young ned, leaning nonchalantly at the street corner, fair thinking he wis Airchie.
“ I will have you know, young man . . that I have walked for eight days . . . across the bottom of a very cold ocean . . . to seek my son. I am cold, wet and fair pissed off. . . . I will not let you stand in my way when he is so close. . . . And sometimes it is not the smoking . . . that fucks up your breathing . . . as you will find to your cost.”
And so saying Darth (for he it was) lifted the offender into the air by the throat using the Force, much to the amusement of the surrounding crowd. “That wee bugger stole ma purse last week, Big Man. Can ah kick him in the nuts an’ rifle his poackits?” “Hey, Big Yin, turn him upside doon an’ lets see whit fa’s oot.” “Ah ‘hink he stole ma wallet too.” “Hey, izzat no’ David Blain unner tha’ mask, but?” Our Sith Lord was not happy with the crowds flocking towards him for a keek at what was going on. However, fighting the urge to slay everybody within a ten yard radius, lest it attract his sons attention, he instead fled (well, used big strides and flapped his cape impressively) down a side street away from the baying pack.
Young Ned fell in a crumpled heap on the ground, picked himself up, and ran like fuck.
posted
“Excuse me, could y’all tell me the best way to get to Loch Ness?” asked the rather obvious American tourist. “Certainly, just go over to that taxi rank and catch a taxi. Oh, and watch out for the puking priest,” replied Numf. “Is that a public house?” enquired the rotund butt of this chapters humour. “Umm, no – it’s the puking priest over there at the taxi rank….” “Oh my, that’s a sight you don’t see very often. It certainly adds to the quaint atmosphere….Tell me, is it far to Loch Ness, only I’ve heard that there have been recent sightings of the monster, and I’m dying to take lots of photos.” “That’ll be SALLy out swimming backstroke again,” added Harbi under her breath. “Well, we’re planning on heading up there ourselves very soon, and I reckon that it’ll take us about 10 minutes. “ Now, I’m sure that if you ask the Tube (that’s a special Glaswegian name for a taxi-driver, and will show him that you respect his calling to provide cheap public transport) nicely he’ll be able to find a spot in a wee glen where you can watch wild haggis frolic and play – I’m sure he’ll stop there for a good half hour free of charge if you offer to shine his bobbys helmet for him. If he’s not wearing his regulation hat it’ll be because it’s tarnished and he’s too embarrassed to wear it. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the help to give it a right good shine. “And it’s not far out of the way to see Edinburgh Castle either, so you might wish to ask him to drive past there first,” added Numf. “Why, thank you for the kind advice young man. I’ll go and give it a try.” And so saying our camera swinging, baseball cap wearing, gullible tourist departed, heading over towards the taxi rank.
“Numfy – for a hero you can be a right bastard sometimes,” said Harbinger. “I thought you said it was just 10 minutes. It must be at least 200 miles if they take the detour to Edinburgh.” “No, I said it was 10 minutes for us – ‘cos we’ve got the Legion Flight Rings,” replied Numf with a smug grin on his face. “And as for suggesting that he offers the taxi-driver a wank after calling him a tube…..” “Well, maybe you think I’m being a bastard, but I’m sure SALLy’ll appreciate it.”
posted
“So, Numf, getting back to the plot for a second, why do you want to go up to Loch Ness?” enquired Harbinger, getting all serious for a second. “What, you mean apart from the chance to see SALLy doing the backstroke? Well, I think its location is a clue. You see Loch Ness is in the biggest of the glens, Glen Mor, also known as the Great Glen, which stretches south east from Inverness to somewhere around the Fort William area.” “And……” pried Harbi. “Well, Great Glen – initials GG. Golden Girl – initials GG. Coincidence? I don’t think so.” “Listen, I’m going to just pop into Bill Hills and see what kind of odds you can get on that. Maybe put a fiver on it while I’m there, what do you think? Numfy, you’re a sad fucker you know. Is that the fucking best that we’ve got to go on?” Harbi had lost it. A screaming fit commences, and with lungs like Harbi it’s amazing the amount of scream that you can get. Head back, big breath (I said “breath” there..) and scream. And scream……………. “Well, have you got anything better?” Numf was worried – he had thought his plan of action had been pretty good, but Harbi obviously wasn’t having any of it. The last time that Numf had seen Harbi go apeshit she’d taken it as a personal afront that no-one had gotten around to straightening the Camponile at Pisa, so had done the job herself. “Because if you were expecting me to do all the thinking then you’re as stupid as I am.”
quote:Originally posted by Space Ranger: Numf, I don't think you have to worry about the taste police... But I'm sending you the doctor's bill from when I fell off my chair laughing...
posted
I should start by warning all of my loyal readers (both of you) that I am multi-tasking as I record this latest chapter in the adventures of Dusty and Rody in the 20th century.
Not only am I transcribing the reports of our heroes adventures (sent to me telepathically by Shea [pronounced: She] the Super Flea, who is Rody’s version of Robin II) but I am also at the same time and simultaneously watching the video that Numfie was kind enough to send me. The one where Trixie, the extremely flexible Pixie, has mistakenly followed Roger Moore and Samantha Fox back to their hotel room where Dolly the sheep is waiting. Yea, that one!
I’m mentioning this only because it is entirely possible that at some time during my transcription of this adventure I may – entirely inadvertently you understand – insert the wrong dialogue into this record.
So, If you see any of the following dialogue at an odd point during this story:
“I’m as moist as a snackcake down there. ” “You want to put your Toblerone, Where? ” “Do you want to know what I think you can do with that trumpet? ” “Baa… Baa… Baaaaaaaaaaaa…” “Why, it looks just like a penis, only smaller.” “Don’t take it out, Just change the batteries.” “Look I understand about the pointy ears and stuff, but nobody can put their ankles there and still smile like that!” “Ohh Sheite… I’m a Gonna… OOPS…” “I can’t believe he/she/that goddam sheep ate the whole thing!”
I apologize, but I’m sure you’ll understand.
Now where did we leave off…
quote: originally posted by somebody else “Will you two PLEASE get your (w)hor(e)mones under control???”
SDMM and JC both look away in an em-bare-assed fashion as SALLy’s voice shatters their latest magical moment.
Unfortunately their em-bare-ass-ment doesn’t last long, as a strange voice begins speaking from the ouija board slider…
The above quote is unnecessarily long because… Well, just because… So There!
Now, when you consider just how uncommon talking Ouija Boards actually are, it should come as no surprise that Rody immediately bolted out of the room and hid on top of Spectacular Aqua Lungs Lass’s tank… Except for the fact that Rody was not scared by the Ouija Board’s sudden loquaciousness.
No, what terrified Rody was the arrival of another member of the JSMBP, Pagan Lass and (of course) her constant companion Stoopid Cat...
[ December 08, 2003, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: Space Ranger ]
-------------------- Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (Just as soon as the Check Clears!)
From: The Back Office in Abin's Fixit Shop. | Registered: Sep 2003
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