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An intellect so advanced that he had devised a way to rebuild the MULTI-COLORED THING OF EKRON! He had found a way to clone Penis-Eradicator Lad and then aged that clone into Mean Old Hero and had then sent him to steal all of the male members' members and use them to recreate the Flesh-colored Penis of Ekron. That orange glow on Abin's ring was meant to leech some of the ring's power and use it to duplicate the Orange Ring Finger of Ekron. He had even captured the mouse half of the Time Mouse Trapper and had used the genetic material to make a new set of Pearly White Buck Teeth of Ekron, and he had many, many other agents working on other body parts. In fact, the Emerald Empress and her team were heading straight for one of those agents right now...
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"Unacceptable, just unacceptable! How does that mean old man expect me to pleasure myself without the services of the males? Does he expect me to settle for fake TOYS?! Royalty should not have to settle for second best!" stormed the Empress, in one of her royal temper tantrums.
"Does she really think we're first rate?" asked Sharky. "Yeah, it's hard to believe, I mean, you'd need an inertron dildo just to satisfy the Empress!" Space Ranger answered. "And we'll need one now, you know how she is when she gets cranky!" "Say, how long have we been flying, anyway? I'm starting to get tired." said Vee. "You'd think we would've seen some sign of Mean Old Hero by now, he certainly didn't look as if he could've flown very fast." said Semi. "Yeah, but then he didn't look as if he had enough power to make all those penises fall off, either!" "Silence!" commanded the Empress, in her most regal way. "The Eye is trying to find that miserable man's trail!" "Eye have found it...follow Eye." "That was fast." whispered Space Ranger. "Yeah, I just hope the Eye isn't nearsighted or anything." Semi whispered back. The Eye led them inside a cave, deeper and deeper and deeper into the shadows, until it was so dark that even that even Space Ranger had trouble seeing. "How much farther do we have to go?" "Do you think the Eye could be wrong?" asked Sharky. "You fool! Of course not!" screeched the Empress. "The Eye can do anything! And nothing can stop it! Nothi-" The Empress' tirade was cut off by an unearthly screeching, the likes of which have never been heard before, not even by Nads-Kicker Lass after she had finished by one of her victims. "What happened? Did you bite something, Sharky?" asked a flustered Semi. "Wasn't me." "The Eye... Someone has done something to the Eye!" The chamber was suddenly lit up by a bright flash of light, and everybody gasped as they saw that the Eye was covered by... a giant contact lens!
quote:Originally posted by Cobalt Kid: .....And a couple of pints sounds good to me! Each part was one of the funniest things that I've ever read, I don't think I've laughed out loud so much before...
Glad to have been of service in the laughs department Cobie - I'll collect those pints next time I see you in Shakes.
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The great intellect was pleased. With the contact lens in place, the Eye would be placed under his/her control, and the LMBP would lose one of its biggest assets. S/He allowed himself a chuckle. Those fools never suspected that a small tissue sample from Mean Old Hero, splattered on the inner walls deep inside the cave while MOH himself was safely held in stasis could fool the Eye so completely, especially with the Empress' agitation focused through their mental link distracting the Eye so it wouldn't notice. S/he had already found the Eye's twin, and s/he was in the process of unearthing the Golden Toe of Ekron from its burial place on Tharn. S/he knew that at least two-fifths of the Thing Of Ekron was hidden away somewhere, still whole even after the titanic battle with the Justice Group of Super-Friendly People, the Doomed Patrol and the Foreign Legion of Superb-Tasting Heroes had destroyed most of it. As for the destroyed parts, it would be a simple matter to reproduce them since s/he had already carefully studied the Great Black Heart of Ekron, the first of the parts that s/he had acquired, and the part that was leading him/her to all the other parts. S/he decided to check on the male members' members. S/he hoped that his assistant had not stuck the whole bunch of them up his ass (which had been instrumental in recreating the Very Reddened and Puffy Anus of Ekron) again. He switched on the viewscreen, and...
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He switched on the viewscreen, and set it for multiple plot line viewing. Skipping page 15 entirely, (s)he focussed on Numf and Harbi, who were still enmeshed in a Rowie mystery with some Zippy character. Little did they know that the Taste Police were stalking them in the shadows, accompanied by an elite unit of the Pun Police.
Stoopid Cat and Pagan Lass were meeting with Fat Cramer (who kept popping in and out of this tag-team reality), to prepare for the Winter Solstice festival, which involved mistletoe, dollar bills, candles and tuna steaks. "Mindless idiots," muttered the great intellect. Little did (s)he know that Stoopid Cat was Fat Cramer's long lost brother and that there would be serious consequences to follow.
The great intellect scanned a few other screens and sighed. (S)he would get his/her assistant to summarize and prepare an action plan.
Finally, (s)he directed his/her attention to the male members' members. To his/her shock and dismay, the members were no longer there. In their place were festive sprigs of mistletoe and assorted candles. The reat intellect clutched his head in her hands and groaned. This could only mean one thing...
The building shook. The Empress' agitation as she saw the Eye was causing a rash of unintended, uncontrolled effects. Unknown to the great intellect, the Eye was suffering under the poorly fitting contact lens and was sending distress signals to the Empress. The mounting levels of angst were creating shock waves. Semi, Sharky and Ranger struggled to keep their balance and restrain the agonized Empress.
"Damnation," growled the great intellect. "I'd better attend to these disturbances. Recreating the Brown Nose of Ekron will have to wait."
-------------------- Five billion years from now the Sun will go nova and obliterate the Earth. Don't sweat the small stuff!
From: Boston | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
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Elsewhere, Petty Officer Marvin was feeling very, very light-headed. He couldn't understand why he was flying up in the air, or who the man beside him was. He remembered breaking into the vault where the male members' members were kept. He remembered how the Great Intellect's assistant had been shoving them inside himself like mad,and how he had not noticed Marvin's entrance. Not that he could have done anything if he had, since Marvin's ray gun had been powerful and his aim had been true. Marvin rather regretted shooting so quickly though, as he also remembered that he had had a hell of a time getting the members out. He remembered being disgusted by this odd form of human sexual behavior, and of how shocked he had been when he first came to Legion World and found out that this was one of the many practices that some humans engaged in. He remembered sneaking over to the even more secure vault where the larger members were kept, and of how he had already opened up the first two locks when he had somehow tripped the alarm. He remembered uttering a particularly foul Brood curse, and he remembered kicking the vault in exasperation, for which his legs (all one hundred of them!)were still hurting. He remembered how, just as he was giving up hope, he had heard a rather deep chuckle, and how the vault suddenly sprang open, how the members floated by themselves into a large red sack, and how what appeared to be a mixture of snow and stardust sprinkled on him, and of how the resulting teleportation, or what seemed like it, made him start to black out. He remembered how, when he woke up, he was flying through the night sky, the wind blowing in his face, and a funny fat man in red was sitting beside him saying "Ho Ho Ho." And he remembered thinking, "You have got to be kidding me."
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What Marvin didn't know about the Red Man was these ten facts that have not been revealed to the public:
1. His nick name is Santa Claus, aka Kris Kringle, but his real name is Nick Fountaine, former secret agent for the British Empire during the French Revolution.
2. Santa, like most of the LMB, is a gay man.
3. Santa, a magic-user on par with the Sorcerer Surpreme, is a practicer of pagan witchcraft, even though he celebrates the Christmas holiday by giving presents. He secretly celebrates the birthday of Mithras, the Persian deity, which is on the same day.
4. Santa is immortal and ages very slowly.
5. Ms. Claus is actually Santa's adopted daughter, is a HOTTIE!
6. Santa has some yet unknown connection with an LMBer or two, which may reveal why he is suddenly helping Marvin of the Brood!
7. Santa is fat for a reason, because in his civilization, being overweight makes you sexy! Whenever Santa beefs up for the holidays, he knows that when he gets back home he's going to look like a bonafide sex-pot!
8. Nick believes in the legalization of marijuana and is known for smoking a few doobies here and there.
9. Santa is wanted in parts of the galaxy for murdering the War-Monger king of the dreaded Evil Empire.
10. Santa is a jolly man. (OK, so that one is common knowledge).
Meanwhile, Marvin looked up at the jolly super-hero...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Marvin looked at the jolly superhero... and promptly fainted again when he saw what Santa was doing with the male members' members!
Elsewhere, Sharky was happily swimming in a pool of water. The water reminded him of the cool oceans of his home, with just the right amount of salt. The wave action of the water was gently rolling him around the pool, and he was floating not only physically, but also mentally. It was so soothing...
Vee was having difficulty standing up. The Eye's irritation at the poor-fitting contact lens was causing it to tear up, and as a result the cave had been flooded! Space Ranger and Semi were still trying desperately to restrain the Empress, and Sharky was nowhere in sight.
"Sharky? Sharky? Where are you?"
Vee sighed. This was turning out to be one hell of a mission. ****************************************** Santa was having the time of his life. The male members' members were the perfect Christmas gift! He would never leave his workshop again; Ms. Claus could handle all the work. Besides, he didn't think he would be able to sit down again for a while. He supposed he would have to give at least one of them to the Emerald Empress, so that she wouldn't chase him down again like she did last time when all the toys he left for her broke on the first day. The first day! He would have to choose a particularly strong member for her, or face the consequences. Last year, she had turned his special aphrodisiac chocolate chip cookies into dancing sugar plums! Sugar plums! They had been useful in getting him into sexy shape, but absolutely useless in arousing his cute little elves and his studly reindeer. He thought for a moment, and nearly slammed into the side of the Super-Stalag of Space. He would drop by the Empress right now and let her choose which member she wanted to keep. And he would drop Marvin off too, butnnot before he had his way with him. Santa had never encountered one of the Brood before, and this was too good an opportunity to pass up. ********************************************* Space Ranger was in a bad mood. He and Semi had been doing their best to restrain the Empress, when suddenly Dancing Queen and someone called Booty Shaker had shown up. Now he, Semi, the Empress and Vee were being forced to do synchronized swimming, of all things! Whatever happened to dirty dancing? Sharky, the only one who could possibly help him now, was nowhere in sight, and worst of all, Booty Shaker was shaking his big fat booty right in front of his face!
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Booty Shaker was having the time of his life. The Great Intellect had seen the potential of his fabulous booty; his tissue cells had been used to recreate the Gray, Rock Hard Booty of Ekron. And he could shake it all he wanted! And to top it all off, he had met someone who shared his passion for all kinds of dance, Dancing Queen! He smiled at her. The two of them made such a great pair! After this was all over, they would open their very own disco house. With their abilities to turn any person into dancing fools, they would be rolling in dough in no time! They had already shipped the Emerald Eye off to the Great Intellect, so he decided to finish off the LMBPers. "Are you all set for a fabulous swan dive to the bottom of the cave? Let's see how long you can hold your breath!" He was just about to give the mental command when something bit his booty. Hard. ******************************************** The Empress was livid. First, her harem had been greatly handicapped. Second, she hadn't been able to get her hands on the fool who had done that very foolish deed. Third, the Eye had been caused great pain, and then had been taken from her. And fourth, she was now being forced to endure synchronized swimming in this dirty cave which was not even fit to be blown up by royalty, and by this... this peasant who had the nerve to name herself after royalty! Dancing Queen, indeed! And fifth, she couldn't see the other LMBPers, which means she couldn't savor their gorgeous forms as they somersaulted and dove under water! If only she had the Eye, she could... Her thoughts were interuppted by, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the sound of Booty Shaker screaming out of the top of his lungs, as... "Pfffffffffffttttttttttttttttt!" his booty began to deflate! And then, "Shriek!" the sound of Dancing Queen shrieking as her magnificent afro wig was being chewed up by... Sharky! Suddenly, the Empress could move again. She immediately rushed over to where Dancing Queen was playing tug-of-war with her afro, and gave her a royally painful slap! And this was the beginning of the most royally magnificent catfight in all of recorded history.
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Space Ranger was doing his absolute best not to throw up. First, he had been forced to endure the sight of Booty Shaker's very large booty shaking right in front of his face, and then he had been forced to endure the horrible smell of the mixture of gases that had been released as that very large booty had started to deflate. As he did his best to control his gag reflex, he looked around. The Empress and Dancing Queen and a humongous black afro were all mixed together in a cloud of smoke, with only fists and feet and dandruff-encrusted fake hair protruding. Booty Shaker was ricocheting off the walls, his booty still spewing forth toxic gases, and Semi was trying hard to catch him. But he couldn't see either Vee or Sharky... Suddenly, hhe felt something pull on his leg, and he was unceremoniously jerked under the water. "Mph! Mph!" He couldn't belive what he was seeing. His and Vee's legs were in the clutches of... Sharky?! Space Ranger quickly pried open Sharky's mouth, and the two of them swam up to safety. "You okay?" "Yeah, thanks for the save. Yeesh, the next time I do IT, there won't be any biting involved!" "What's up with Sharky? Why's he acting so weird?" "It's all this salt water from the Eye. It must have reminded Sharky of the oceans of his homeworld, and it's turned him into a full shark again! On the plus side, he took care of the bad guys for us, but on the minus side, he might just take care of us too!" "Can we reverse the process?" "Well, if we keep him out of water long enough, he should calm down again. But first, we have to catch him... and it looks like it's up to the two of us. Everyone else is busy." "Well, then, let's get..." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM! Space Ranger was interrupted as a bomb, (no, not a boom tube!) exploded and the cave's ceiling started to fall down. He sighed. "This just gets better and better."
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Mrvin of the Brood decided that he would never fall asleep without locking his room again. he couldn't belive it. When he finally regained consciousness, Santa Claus was trying to do... well, something really really naughty to him! He couldn't believe it! First the male members, and now him! And to top it all off, Santa nearly squashed him flat when he lost his balance as the sleigh landed! His entire body ached, and his central nervous system was not feeling good. In fact, his whole body was aching, and his insides were churning. He felt like he was frozen and burned at the same time. He tried to raise his head to look for Santa. He needed help fast. "I think... I think I'm mutating!" ************************************************ Santa was rummaging in his bag. He needed ointment to soothe his vital organs from his escapade with the Brood Alien. He needed bandages for the alien whom he had almost rudely squashed when his sleigh had jolted. And he needed a bomb to use to get into the cave, and fast! He didn;t want the Empress to get any crankier! Ah-ha! Found it! Santa grinned as he lit the fuse. He hoped that the Empress would be knocked out by some of the debris from the blast. Maybe it would make her easier to deal with. And maybe he would be able to get incriminating evidence of the naughtiness she was up to down there, so he could dump her on the naughty list. After all, what else could she be possibly doing down there in that dirty, not-fit-to-be-blown-up-by-royalty cave? "HoHoHo, Bombs Away!" *********************************************** Sharky was ruthlessly stalking his prey. It had been a long time since he had done this, but it seemed like it had only been yesterday that he had been swimming around in the oceans of his home and chewing on fat, unsuspecting Moby Dicks.This was the life! Of course, not all prey was good, as he had rudely been reminded of just now. That huge creature that had been shaking a while ago had tasted horrible, and the black tangled mass that he had leapt up out of the air to eat had almost made him vomit! Blech! That white stuff had tasted horrible! He looked around for something else to eat, and he smelled two smells, which should have been familiar. He almost remembered who they were, but those memories were in a part of him that was shut off now. All he could remember was hunger. He swam straight ahead, cleaning his teeth with a large inertron toothpick as he swam. Hey, nobody ever said Sharky was an earth shark!
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Vee couldn't believe what had just happened. The roof of the cave had fallen in, hitting Sharky on the head and knocking him unconscious just as he had leapt out of the air. Another fragment had pinned the rapidly deflating Booty Shaker to the ground, and Semi had quickly shut him up in a cage. Another fragment had knocked out both Dancing Queen and the Empress, and had completely pulverized DQ's horrible afro wig. Thank grife for that, since their screeching had started to get on his nerves. Oddest of all were the two who had saved them, Santa Claus and Marvin of the Brood! Santa Claus! Vee never imagined that he could be real! He hoped that someone on Legion World could make sense out of everything.
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The Emerald Empress and Dancing Queen were wreaking havoc on Legion World. They had been treated fopr their injuries, and after regaining consciousness, which they magically did at the same time, they had resumed their catfight. They had plowed into the trophy room, caused the mission monitor board to malfunction and had broken the planetary chance machine, causing little planets to fly everywhere and knock people on the head. STU shook his head. What a way to start his term as leader.
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