posted
Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac, in an effort to save the universe as well as to get the story rolling, decided that they had to do two things: send a team to stall the giant ants so that they wouldn't destroy Legion World, as well as everybody who could still save the universe, and send one team back in time to rescue Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat! And maybe, if they had time, they could even go after EDE, but they didn't really want to tangle up with the still-angry Teeds and Lucifer Lass just yet. The giant ants werenb't such a big problem, since Faraway could just send them far away, but the time travel was just a tad bit more difficult, because all the time distortions were causing all the time bubbles and other time-travel devices to malfunction. They thought and they thought and they thought about what to do, while the remaining LMBPers got their collective behinds whacked by the time distortions. In the end, they decided that the best way to end the time distortions so they could safely travel back in time was to use someone who was always distorted: Everyday Girl!
IB, Numf-el and Cobie (who was still wondering who Golden Girl was) were sent to fetch her, and they found her up on top of the Empire State Building, wondering why she was stuck inside the hands of a giant ape.
"Cobalt, do you think you can generate sufficient power to injure King Kong enough so that he will release Everyday Girl?" IB queried.
"Who was that Golden woman?" Cobie pondered ponderously. It wasn't just the fact that he had had a child that he didn't know about that bothered him, but also the fact that he couldn't remember what he did or how much fun he had had or whether it had been because he had been so good or so bad that had caused Golden Girl to hate his guts thoroughly.
"I don't know much about her identity either. I don't know anything about what her life had been like before I was born. " said Numf-el, trying not to think about how weird it was that he was older than his father, who should have been older than him.
"Will you two cease this useless prattling and concentrate on rescuing the girl?" snapped IB, partly because Everyday Girl's safety was important to the safety of the universe, and partly because it had been Doctor One, not him, who formulated the plan.
"Hey, you can't tok to me dad tat way!" said a totally pissed of Numf-el.
"And you can't talk to my... son that way!" said Cobie, who was not used to calling anyone son, much less acknowledging that he actually had a son.
"If you two don't act quickly, then the universe will be lost and you will have an eternity to get used to the idea that you two are actually related to each other!" IB yelled back.
Then the three of them kept squabbling, Numf-el yelling Scottish obscenities that neither of the others could understand while he was flinging haggish everywhere, while IB was yelling insults filled with big words that neither of the others mcould understand while he was using his force-field to whack the others, and Cobie was just yelling anything he could think of while eyeing Everyday Girl. Unfortunately, the three of them made so much noise that King Kong grabbed all three of them in one large furry hand and squeezed very very tightly.
posted
"We have to get out of here!" said Cobie, who was not used to the idea of being pressed up tight against two other men, one of them his son. "Can any of you get loose?"
"If we could, then we would have freed ourselves already!" said IB, who was uncomfortably conscious of the fact that his hormones combined with the squeezing action of King Kong's hand were playing havoc with a certain part of his anatomy, and that given the situation, it was only a matter of time before the same thing happened to the other two, or at least to Cobie. He was even more uncomfortable than the others since he was upside-down, and he didn't want to think about where his nether regions were.
"Wot about that goil over there? Mebbe she could help." suggested Numf-el.
"Good idea! Let me talk to her." said IB, who was struggling not to become visible, lest this become even more embarrassing than it already was. "Hey, Everyday Girl, can you utilize your distortion abilities to confuse this smelly ape long enough for us to free ourselves?"
"Aaaah! Is that a ghost?" said the ever-confused Everyday Girl. She wasn't stupid, she just couldn't think very well, what with being around Nobody all the time.
"I'm not a ghost! I'm a superhero, you..." IB managed to sputter out just before Numf-el's boot got lodged firmly in his wide-open mouth.
"Nice work, son! Now let me do the talking."beamed Cobie at Numf, who beamed back in return. "Everyday Girl, do you think you can use make this guy go away? I know you can."
"Hm... well, I can try, if only I can remember how..." said EG.
"Please hurry!" said Numfie, who not only felt his boot getting wet, but also felt something uncomfortable pressing against his neck.
"I'm trying! Maybe if I wave my hands..." said EG.
"Wrong one!" said Cobie, whose hands had grown considerably larger because of EG. Sure, he was excited about what he could do with such large, strong hands, but that certain part of his anatomy was also starting to bulge out, and he didn't want to be a bad example for his son just yet. "Try again!"
"Okay... I think I got it! No, wait, this one! No, wait..." and this went on and on and on. Luckily, the three LMBPers buff bodies were hard enough to withstand the pressure of King Kong's hands, who wasn't squeezing too hard yet anyway. Unfortunately, both IB and Cobie had already had embarrassing accidents, and Numfie may have been on the way, and all three were finding it hard to breath and were trying hard not to think about how odd it felt to be stuck with two other men in this situation. They were just about to give up hope, when suddenly, EG let out a yell, which was part-scream and part-giggle, because she had just caused King Kong to...
posted
Totally disappear! (Although he actually reappeared in the Emerald Empress's harem, but that's a story for another minute...)
With Everyday girl now joining their motley crew, Cobalt's team immediately rejoined the others with Doctor One. Everyday Girl was suddenly tripped by Nothing and No-One, the two being who really followed her around, but laughed whole-heartedly at the LMBPers, thinking they played a trick on her, although Arachne eyed Space Ranger strangely about this.
Doctor One and Invisible Brainiac then gave a long winded speech about shutting down the time distorions, and stopping the constant havoc being caused, but no one really kept listening after the word 'logarithm' was said for the third time. In fact, Icey began dancing on a pole, Lash starting playing Hangman and Marvin of the Brood, Blockade Boy and Super Lad Kid started swinging on the monkey bars. Finally, Doctor One explained that all the LMBPers had t do, was watch on, as he plugged the machine in that he and Invisible Brainiac had created, pushed the big red button, and time stopped being distorted! "That's fuckin weak" said Cobalt in disgust, as Princess Crujectra wondered how this dumb plot device could ever be topped in this thread. "However," said the good Doctor, "Dusty Baker and Rody are on their own, trapped in the past, I don't know how to free them." All the LMBPers looked at each other, until Shark Lad said "fuck 'em." -----------
Meanwhile, Golden Girl eyed Cobalt Kid and Numf-El, as she watched from above. She had been forgotten for a second (not really, just other problems were developing), and prepared to strike.
----------------
And at SHAKES, Outdoor Miner downed another shot of whiskey, as Ant-Man sent him the information on how to defeat the Cogaaad and the Time Mouse Trapper...
----------------
Meanwhile, Wart World was still approaching Uranus, although the Super Moby Dick of the Space now stood in it's way.
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Cobalt Kid: Meanwhile, Wart World was still approaching Uranus, although the Super Moby Dick of the Space now stood in it's way.
*** INTERLUDE ***
At that moment, STU sleepily peered out at his front stoop. The next day's copy of the Naltor News was there -- but every page was blank.
STU muttered angrily, "You know, I paid good money for that subscription, and they think it's funny to send out defective copies? I think I'm going to write an irate letter to the editor later. Maybe tomorrow."
posted
Despite Shark-lad’s comment, and while Eddie Tor is in the can, let us take a trip backwards through time to the year 1950, or maybe it’s the year 2050, but whichever year it is, it’s a long time ago.
In the mountain cave HQ of the Justice Society of Message Board posters (JSMBP) we find an odd assemblage of heroes.
First there is Spectacular Aqua Lungs Lass. Or Sally for short, who has recently taken up permanent residence in the JSMBP HQ because her normal home at the bottom of Loch Ness in Scotland has been overrun by Nessie hunters due to a rash of sightings. In reality the problem is her fault. She is easily the world’s fastest swimmer using the “Sideways Backstroke” method and she recently decided to do some speed swimming in Loch Ness. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) to the untrained eye the sight of two enormous humps moving across Loch Ness at extremely high speeds will always bring out the Monster hunters.
Currently she is resting in her specially built water filled tank. Sally doesn’t actually breathe underwater although she can hold her breath, due to her amazing lungs, for almost an hour. She must stay in the water so that her body’s natural buoyancy helps her to relieve the strain on her back. If she is out of the water for more than an hour she gets such a backache.
Next is Super Duper Marvelous Man, the oldest and best dressed of all superheroes. He has called the JSMBP to order because of a “Crisis in Outer Space” that we will get to shortly.
Third is the Green Latrine, the JSMBP’s newest member. He recently joined after their last adventure “The Super Outhouse of Space” which resulted in this latest in their series of “Infinite Crisis’s”. Very little is known about the being known as the Green Latrine except that he looks just like his name suggests he should. Including the quarter moon symbol in the middle of what our heroes think is his forehead.
The final regular member of the JSMBP present is super speedster Jessica Quickly. She is so fast that during the “Super Outhouse of Space” she met the being called the Anti-Moderator, had a brief affair with him, and gave birth to a set of twins, all in a nine minute off panel stint. Unfortunately, in the brains department she is the exact opposite of most other super speedsters, the faster she’s moving, the slower she thinks. She doesn’t even remember that the preceding events happened.
Also present are two recent visitors to the JSMBP universe.
Duck Bloggers is a cartoonish hero from an alternate, but closely related universe. He is either a Man shaped duck or a Duck shaped man; no-one is totally positive which. But, he has been trapped in this universe by an inaccurate quote on a Comic Book website that fanboys have been arguing over on the D.C. Boards for several months now. Why a quote from an artist about the relative strengths of Superman and Thor should affect him is unknown.
With Duck Bloggers is his sometimes sidekick, Cloned Green Pig. The amazing thing about CGP is that he’s a real barnyard pig, just green instead of pink. Duck thinks that the JSMBPers are going to send CGP back with him if they ever figure out how to do so. The JSMBPers have the Luau Pit dug and are just waiting for Duck to get hungry.
The meeing came to order ten minutes ago… One minute ago Dusty and Rody appeared…
-------------------- Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (Just as soon as the Check Clears!)
From: The Back Office in Abin's Fixit Shop. | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
Cloned Green Pig?!! ROTFLMAO! By far my new favorite character in LMBP lore! Haha, this could be the break out character of the year, who could really put the JSMP on the map!
*end interlude*
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
Ummmm… *gum snap* Like Eddie’s still on the can, so this is his sexytary Trixie, speakin’ atcha. Like everybody knows *gum snap* pigs and rats don’t like *gum snap* talk human speech and stuff. *gum snap* but to make the hack writer’s job easier *gum snap* like we’re gonna all pretend they do. *gum snap* Okay? *gum snap* Like everybody had to believe real hard in fairies in that Disney movie? *gum snap* Okay? You just gotta believe that pigs and rats really can talk! *gum snap* (and I gotta see if Leroy has any openings fer new girls)
* Quaalude wears Off *
Dusty and Rody landed in the middle of the JSMBP Conference table with a wet plop. Apparently somewhere they had passed through during their trip through time had been very wet, and smelled quite bad… or else Dusty’s advertising contract with “Depends” was a big sham.
“Holy Malarkey!” Super Duper Marvelous Man’s favorite expression slipped out as the pair appeared in mid air, swiftly followed by a loud “Jiminy Crapper” from the Green Latrine as they landed on the table.
Laying face down on the table with Rody perched between his shoulder blades and a fetid green aroma rising from the neither regions of his pantaloons Dusty couldn’t help but agree with both of them.
“Well, where are we?” Rody asked no-one in particular.
Rody’s question caused five pair of eyebrows to raise, six if you count the Green Latrine’s, which I don’t because I think they’re painted on his wooden door-like face.
Not surprisingly however it was Duck Bloggers who spoke first. “What’s that despicable smell?”
“Here, I can fix that,” said the Green Latrine as he bent over and swung his face-door open. An eerie green fog filled the table top area and within seconds Dusty was as clean and fresh as a daisy. “It’s my power you know,” he said as the eerie green fog withdrew into the open door behind his face.
“No, we didn’t know,” said SDMM and Jessica Quickly simultaneously. Both of them then looked at each other with an odd green gleam in their eyes, this guy could be very handy on long road trips or at keggers both thought, again simultaneously.
“Umm… you two are wierding me out again…” Sally’s voice came from her tank in the corner, “Could you please stop simultaneously green gleaming at each other, so we can figure out who these guys are?”
Just in case nobody’s figured it out yet, Spectacular Aqua Lungs lass has a statuesque mind to go along with her really great hooters and is the actual brains behind most JSMBP adventures. Those that require a brain that is, which as will become increasingly obvious soon, aren’t that many. But the pig is talking now so we will come back to this later.
“What happened, it smelled good for a minute then it went away?”
Now most people don’t know that pigs are actually pretty smart animals, smarter than dogs, cats, or horses. In fact they’re almost as smart as dolphins, only almost though, as you never see cans of tuna fish with “pig safe” labels on them. Just like you never see Dolphin Ham for sale at your local Super Duper; hence the term “almost”.
None the less, it was Dusty and Rody’s turn to be shocked by a talking pig.
* Quaalude *
“Umm… … *gum snap* Like Eddie’s still on the can, so this is his sexytary Trixie, speakin’ atcha, again, so like, could you please get on with the freekin’ story, like?” *gum snap*”
* Quaalude wears Off *
So after a quick round of introductions and mutual story exchanges, our heroes’ adjourn to the JSMBP Ready room where the JSMBP Ouija Board is kept.
“This should tell us what we need to know,” SDMM comments as he sits facing JC with the board on their laps, with their knee’s gently touching, and the odd green gleam returning to their eyes, as they simultaneously reach for the heart shaped slider. Their breath begins to quicken, their hearts race…
“Will you two PLEASE get your (w)hor(e)mones under control???”
SDMM and JC both look away in an em-bare-assed fashion as SALLy’s voice shatters their latest magical moment.
Unfortunately their em-bare-ass-ment doesn’t last long, as a strange voice begins speaking from the ouija board slider…
-------------------- Just an Old, Broke-Down, Drunk, Bum!!
With a Power Ring...
From: Westerly Rhode Island | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
In the midst of the Rubble, Barney turned to Betty, and looking up at those amazing eyes said "You know something Betty, I think we're in the wrong cartoon here. This don't look like Bedrock to me. Lets get outta here. To quote Fred, Yabbadabadoo!!!!" And so saying out intrepid duo got in their car and ran like hell.
Numf turned to his father and said "Wasn't that...naw, forget it. Anyway, did you realise that you've only got three minutes 'til my conception?"
"Three minutes - but what about romance, wooing. I like to get to know my women - poetry reading, candlelit meals, foot massages, preferably a bit of pre-coital genital rubbing at the very least. What does she expect me to do in 3 minutes."
"Sprocks sake Dad, you've obviously never been to Scotland. You're lucky if you can find someone who'll take their jumper off first. And for a bago' chips and their busfare hame on a Saturday night..."
"We're wasting time here son, I can't even see where she is, and I've got no desire to sha.."
"Behave. That's my maw you're talkin' about."
"Sorry sonny."
"No, I'm Numf - he's Sonny!"
"Why are you defending her anyway, she deserted you and left you in that God forsaken country."
"No, she left me in Scotland, no' England. And the reason that I'm defending her is 'cos I don't want this to turn into some kind of misojjinnnistik ranting."
"Very noble though it be, why not?" asked Cobie, sensing that there was more behind the words than mere nobility.
"'Cos Harbi'll gie me a fuckin' doing!"
"Very valid point" said Golden Girl who had creeped up behind our father and son bonding heroes.
Faster than the proverbial speeding bullet, Golden Girl thrust her hand inside Codies shorts.
"Well Dad, she might not like the poetry or foot massages, but at least you're getting the rubbing out of it."
"And that's all you're getting out of it - because this is all that I need - Cobalt Lads Tubby Custard. Thanks to King Kongs squeezing I don't even have to buy you a drink! Let alone that foreplay nonsense" said GG, withdrawing a sodden hand from the aforementioned shorts.
"Aw, come on mum, dinna be cla''y. You're no' jist gonna shove yer hand.."
"No, of course I'm not - I came prepared with this.." and so saying GG produced a very large Stainless Steel syringe like object from behind her back - in much the same way as you would find in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
"A Turkey baster!" deduces Harbi, who had arrived at their sides.
"No - this is the deluxe version - The Turkey Master Baster!" with which GG began to transfer the fluid from her sodden fingers into the baster, ready for the insemination process.
"Stop her - this is getting indecent." shouted several bystanders at the same time. "I'm just hoping that GG wasn't an old member of the club that everybody's forgotten about - 'cos she'll not be happy when she reads of her treatment at our hands," said Harbi.
"But we can't stop her - I'll die" said Numf in morbid fascination at the turn of events, and what he was about to see his mother doing. Well, at least it was his mother in her prime, and not 20 years older that he was, and she hadn't raised him after all.... But even so yeeeeuggghhh!
"I don't care - I think you're jist a big Jessie anyway. I've heard that you have sugar on your porridge." And with that Harbinger smote GG most severely, yay verily unto Biblical proportions, massive breasts a-heaving.
And there was much rejoicing.
"Wait a minute, what's that about me puttin' sugar on ma porridge? And how come I'm still alive?" said Numf.
"Sonny says so, and he should know, he's your brother after all. Or is he now? Was GG lying all along, or is there another answer?" Harbi said, trying to lead Numf away from the damaging allegations relating to his porridge eating methods.
"That'll no' work. Ah'll have you know that the only thing ah put on ma porridge is Drambuie."
"There's a coincidence Numf" said Harbi, " I call my hubby Drambuie."
"Really, and why's that?"
"Don't tell me you've never heard this one before.....'cos he's a fancy liquor." the multitudes fell about laughing.
"I don't get it" said Numf. "Anyway, I have a great idea for a book. How about this:-
I will not eat Green Ham & Eggs, I will not eat them Sam I....oh bugger, that's not right!"
And so saying, Harbi and Numf trudged off into the sunset to give someone else a turn in the spotlight.
Left behind, Cobie was heard to mutter to himself ,” So, is he my son or not?”
posted
Sitting some way from the main action, Numf and Harbinger surveyed the scene.
“So, are we going to sit this out then?” asked Harbi. “After all we did say that we’d let someone else have their turn in the spotlight.” “The hell we are!” said Numf, turning all John Wayne for a second. “Okay, but why not?” “’Cos nae bugger’s reading it anyway. I seem to have killed off the franchise, ‘cos last time I looked no-body had added anything since my last post. So we might as well have a bit of fun - at least until we get caught,” opined Numf. “That’s not a very mature response to the situation, Numf, is it?” “And your whiny assed point is?”
posted
“So, what do you want to do?” asked Harbi. “Go home.” “Why? Don’t you have the cohonnneth, cojonnies, cohingies, damn it, balls to stay and fight alongside the rest of the team?” “Well,” said Numf “I thought it would be the best place to start looking into the life and loves of a She-Devil - namely Golden Girl, aka mum. And since she has been well and truly smote by someone who shall remain nameless we can’t exactly pick her brains. We could pick up her brains maybe and keep them in a jar, but that won’t help.” “So you want to go back across the Atlantic to Scotland?” “What do you mean “back across the Atlantic”? I thought we were in Surrey.” “You know something Numf, I’ve got smarter hemmorrhoids than you.” “Bitch.” “Damn right, and I’m good at it too.” “So how come we’re in America, and where precisely are we?” “Well, Numf, it’s like this. There’s lots of members of Legionworld, right?” “Right” agreed Numf. “Do me a favour Numf, just nod, it’ll be quicker to type.” “Okay. Bugger…”nod. “And even when you take into account all the alter egos there must still be at least a dozen members resident in the good old U.S. of A.” Nod. “One Argentinian.” Nod. “One New Zealander.” Nod. “You, me, Sonnie, some Welsh geezer Bevis and Estimate Lad in the UK.” Nod. “So they outnumber the rest of the world approximately 2 - 1, so we go and play over there,” concluded Harbi. “And here was me thinking that it was due to the vast plains that could be decimated in our intergalactic fights without the danger of any collateral damage. So, whereabouts are we anyway?”
posted
“I believe that we’re in Kansas at the moment. And that’s the border over there. With Texas,” revealed our geographically astute Harbinger. “That Charlene Spitoongs well sexy.” “My comment about hemmorrhoids still stands you know Numf.” “Aye Harbi - if I had a dose of the Famer Giles I’d be standing too.” “So, if we cross that road I’ll be able to say “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore,”” joked Harbinger in her best Judie Garland voice. “U2, Whitesnake, Kiss,” retorted Numf. “What are you naming rock bands for?” asked Harbi all confused. “Sorry, you started it - I thought it was a game or something,” replied Numfy, expertly ducking the hand swiping playfully towards the back of his head, missing, however, the knee aimed at his knackers. “So, Numf, are you going to pick yourself up and go get Sonnie and head over to Scotland?” “Well, Sonnie’s just had a holiday in Thailand - I really don’t think he’ll want to go across to freezin’ cold Scotland. And I’ve got a slight fiscal problem. My giro’s not due until tomorrow, lend us £1400 for my plane fares,” replied Numf, rising to his feet tentatively. “Don’t be silly, just use your Legion Flight Ring.” “Bugger, in that case lend us £1400 to buy booze from the duty free shop at Glasgow airport.” “Give me one good reason why I should.” “I promise to bring you back some rowies,” swore Numf. “Make them Aitkens and you’ve got a deal.”
posted
For those not in the know, a word of explanation.
The “rowie” is an Aberdonian baked comestible, made with flour, lard (or vegetable oil for a vegetarian option) and salt. I don’t know the exact quantities, but it’s probably about equal parts of each. Roughly the size of a CD. It is eaten in a number of ways - normally with butter. Jam (or jelly as it is known west of the big pond), cheese, peanut butter etc. can be added to your own personal taste. As with most baked goods it is at its most appetising whilst still warm.
There is absolutely no haggis in it - well, not much. About three.
The best rowies are those produced by Aitkens Bakeries and Thains Bakeries (depending on your taste). They are also known in Aberdeen as “butteries” or occasionally just “rolls”. Nowhere south of Stonehaven do they produce anything remotely approaching an acceptable rowie, although you may chance upon much breadier versions as far afield as Glasgow. Not to be confused with the real thing.
A native Aberdonian (or on occasion a non-native resident) can live from day to day without his/her rowies. However, take the Aberdonian away from Aberdeen and Aitkens rowies become like the Holy Grail, or Ambrosia - the food of the Gods.
The reason for this explanation may be found later on in this narrative. But I sprockin’ doubt it.
Hyperpath: Email this page to someone!
Printer-friendly view of this topic | Subscribe To Topic
