posted
Golden GIrl smiled curiously, lost in a memories of past adventures with the LMBP and that one weekend alone with Cobalt....
"Hey, wake up!" she heard Harbinger cry. "We have to get back to Legion World, Golden GIrl. Can you get us there?"
"Wait, wait" said Fat Cramer. "This place is not so bad. Fewer people to deal with, and I feel like a Giant Ant Taco. Maybe we should sit down and discuss this over some tea and tacos."
"No time for that, FC" counseled Space Ranger. "EDE and Marvin need our help now! Truth, justice and the LMBP will prevail!"
"And I have a terrible premonition that something awful is going to happen to Lash Lad, something involving the TIme Mouse Trapper. We must warn him."
"This is all so confusing" moaned Fat Cramer. "I suppose the best thing is to just get on with the job and eat later. Golden GIrl, I hope you're coming with us this time and not just float around in space."
Golden Girl continued to smile her haunting, seductive smile. A golden glow rose around the LMBP, then, in a sparkling flash, the LMBP were transported to Legion World.
"Good riddance to that biped rubbish" muttered Slammin Sammy Sosa. "Maybe now we can just live a peaceful ant existence."
*********
Back on Legion World, chaos reigned. EDE, Marvin of the Brood and Cobalt Kid continued to battle time and space upheavals. The bad science fiction movies playing out in the streets had become bad Hugh Grant movie reenactments, leaving the three heroes cowering in horror.
"What a mess" groaned Numf-el. "Nothing to do but charge forward and try to storm LW headquarters. Lead on, Ranger!"
Space Ranger, Harbinger and Numf-el ran forward, shouting battle cries.
"I'll go help those three rescue Cobalt" said Golden Girl.
"I'll go look for Lash and warn him about the Time Mouse Trapper" said Icefire.
"I'll go look for some tea" said Fat Cramer. "I think Gunpowder might be appropriate in this situation."
EDE, Marvin and Cobalt could be seen on the front steps of the Embassy. Suddenly, the ground shook and the three heroes froze. Space Ranger (and his team) made it to the steps, gasping for breath and asked "What is happening now?".
"I was afraid of something like this" replied Marvin. "I encountered this once on a Brood Mission. Things could get very bad very quickly here...." He was cut off by a sudden, violent explosion....
From: Café Cramer | Registered: Jul 2003
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Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
He was cut off by a violent explosion, which scattered various LMBPers across time and space, including sending Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat back in time to piss off Pluto!
"Didn't this already happen several posts ago?" asked Cobalt Kid.
"Jeepers!" EDE exclaimed, "it must be some sort of space-time anomaly!"
Meanwhile...
Leap Year Lass smiled at her reflection in the mirror. She was dressed to the 9's and her combination Allysa Milano-Allyson Hannigan look was sure to make her date's heart skip a beat!
*BREEEP!*
Her date had arrived. She sashayed to the entryway and opened it to find......
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
H.G. Wells! Knowing that this had happened during a few hot summer nights a year ago, H.G. couldn't allow stories to constantly be replayed over and over again. While history recorded him as a writer, he was secretly a time travelling super-hero in the 1800's! He had travelled to the future to help the LMBP, but suddenly landed in a time loop at Teeds' door!
However, he was suddenly hit by...!
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Eryk Davis Ester
Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe!
posted
However, he was suddenly hit by a bed falling out of the sky!
Lucifer Lass and Leap Year Lass stood there face to face. They knew what they had to do together. They must find...
From: Liberty City | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Pornis! In their hearts they both knew that the connection between Pornis, Lucifer Lass, the One Called the One and Eyrk Davis Ester had never totally been revealed! Something far more sinister was lurking in the shadows!
Meanwhile, the Time Mouse Trapper watched on in glee as the LMBP were scattered across time! Golden Girl made her way over to Cobalt, EDE and Marvin of the Brood, while other LMBPers blipped in and out of continuity. Suddenly Princess No-Protection had a freak occurance Captain Lightbulb type notion! She turned to Fat Cramer and Varalent and said...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Shoulder to shoulder Numf-El stood with the Cobalt one, battling Mothra, evading Godzillas laser eye blasts and generally kicking ass. Harbinger was watching their backs - at least that's what she told them she was watching.
In between punches and blasts, Numf-El glanced sideways at Cobie, as if noticing him for the first time.
"Hey are you Cobalt Kid?" Numf asked nervously.
"I most certainly am, young man, pleased to make your acquaintance" replied Cobie. "And you are?"
"Believe it or not, I'm your son."
Cobie stopped what he was doing as if he had just been hit by a brick. Which he had, because Godzilla had knocked a sprocking big house on top of him.
"Oi, wait a minute ya big plooky puddock ye!" exploded Numph verbally. "That's ma fookin' dad you've jist pummelled. Ah'm gonna make a sprockin' big Haggis oota you're innards!"
With Harbingers help, having heard the magic H word, Godzilla was in fact quickly turned into Legion Worlds biggest, and in fact first ever, Lizzard Gizzard Haggis.
Seeing the utter destruction meted out on Godzilla for annoying just one of the heroes, the other villains decided it might just be time to slink away, hopefully without being noticed. Unfortunately they didn't notice the eddies in the space time continuum ("Is he?") which had them falling sideways onto a planet deserted apart from 40,000,000 hungry Gi-Ants. "Bugger!"
As Icey helped Cobalt Kid to his feet, all the others gathered round to hear the strange tale about to be told by Cobies son.......
posted
But sadly, before Numph-El could begin his tale of woe and explain to Cobalt Kid, his newfound father, how he had been raised in a mud hut, somewhere north of the arctic circle, in that strange and wonderful country known as Scotland, he was silenced by the resumption of Harbinger and Sonnie Bloke’s longstanding argument.
Well he wasn’t actually silenced but what he had to say couldn’t be heard; it was drowned out by Harbi and Sonnie’s argument. No conceivable voice – however powerful – could possibly be heard over the unintelligible roars coming from those two, as they argued over the relative culinary merits of Lizard Gizzard Haggis. Things like where to open their new shop, Aberdeen or Edinburgh, or possibly Houston (yes there is a Houston in Scotland but I’m not telling how I know that, mainly because it involves a bunch of Australian Submarine Sailors, two cute barmaids, and lots of Foster’s lager in 24 ounce cans) but definitely not Loch Ness, and where to find Godzilla’s twin brother.
Now as we all know Numfie is Sonnies bigger, uglier and downright nastier brother (But Sonnie is NOT related to Cobie, as Numfie’s sad tale will tell) and he is the only person on Legion World who has any chance of breaking up one of their fabled arguments (see the Brothers Grimm’s Big Book of Fables, Volume 38, the Story of Harbi, Numph, and Sonnie and the Three Century Argument).
Suddenly, Sonnie and Harbi are dangling inches above the ground, being held only by the ears.
"Shut yer wheesht the pair a yiz! Yer baith fechtin' like a coupla jessies. Yi twa feel puddocks, if yi dinna stoap I'll rip aff yer airms'n' legs an' hit yiz oan the heid wi ma Toblerone!
It’s the same thing he says every time he is forced to break up an argument between them – generally between three and fifty seven times a day – and they react in their usual manner, they ignore him.
So he throws them far enough away that the argument only registers 4.5 on the Richter scale, which considering what is currently going on, and on, and on, on Legion World, is fairly quiet.
Turning back to his dumbfounded father, Numph-El again begins to tell his sad tale of woe. But unfortunately the invasion of Legion World by time warped forces is still going on. The old science fiction movies (and TV shows) which had become bad Hugh Grant movie reenactments now became Jerry Springer Show re-runs. Suddenly third rate actors pretending to be trailer trash floozies were everywhere, screeching at the top of their lungs and ripping off each others clothes.
This time it was the Cobalt Kid who sprang into action.
“Hold on Son,” he nodded at the scene unfolding before their eyes, “I’ll get us some popcorn and beer while you pick out the best ones to watch. You can tell me your story after the show.”
And so, the newly reunited father and son settled in for a little male bonding.
But, unknown to them Wart-World was still approaching Uranus. (Thought that image was gone forever didn’t ya. Well think again, I’ve had a week to think up new Warts around Uranus jokes and in the third post after this one I’m gonna hit you guys with all of them at once.)
But, unfortunately for our heroes, just as a really well endowed blonde (NOT Harbinger, I took enough of a beating the last time I wrote a scene like that) was about to have her halter top completely ripped away, a new voice interrupted their bonding.
“Harrumph… I should have known… Like father, like son…”
Cobalt and Numph turned and saw the Golden Girl staring at them with a furious look in her eyes.
Numph blushed, put his hands behind his back, and began kicking dirt around like a small boy. “Hi Mom…”
-------------------- Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (Just as soon as the Check Clears!)
From: The Back Office in Abin's Fixit Shop. | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
"What the-?!" said Cobalt Kid as Golden Girl approached Numf-El and Cobalt. "This is your mother?" he asked, still in shock to have yet another child, and one that wasn't an alien, robot or avatar! One day Cobalt would have to catalogue all his kids, but Numf-El seemed the most like good ol' dad.
"Yeah, this is mom" said Numf, as Golden Girl approached. "she can be a bit bitchy though..." "Laugh all you want Numf-El" she yelled, "but I've secretly come here to kill you Cobalt Kid!"
Just as she prepared to blast Cobalt, Fat Cramer took her down in a tackle! But before anyone else could do anything, Lucifer Lass and Thriftshop Debutante entered the fray as...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Or rather dressed as… The universally famous wrestling tag team champions “The Flying Haggis Sisters”. Thrifty, dressed as Hedda Haggis, quickly pulled Cobalt back from entering the fray while Lucifer Lass, dressed as Hanna Haggis, separated Fat Cramer and the Golden Girl. Numph-El quickly picked his jaw up from the ground where it had fallen after his Mom’s sudden outburst and returned it to its proper location on the lower half of his face, then looked at her curiously and smiled.
“Wot, always havin yer wee jokes then, Ma?”
“No Joke Son, after what that bastich did to me, and to you.”
“Who are you? What are you talking about?” Cobie’s voice cracked as he asked those questions, but he continued on despite sounding like Donald Duck on helium, “I never even knew about Numph-El until a few minutes ago and I still don’t know who you are!”
“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???” All four women screamed at him at the exact same time.
Numph-El, despite being some years younger than Cobalt (while at the same time being a few years older, but don’t worry all this will be explained in a later post, by someone else, if they can figure it out) was much smarter than his father in dealing with simultaneously angry women, began to back out of the line of fire. It was obvious to him that an amazing thing had just occurred. In certain situations, such as whenever a woman becomes annoyed with her significant other – provided that the significant other is male – all women within a certain radius will rally to her defense. If the significant other is female this rule becomes null and void.
“I said…” Cobalt’s attempt to clarify his statement was cut off by four nearly simultaneous angry shouts…
Thrifty, dressed as Hedda Haggis, “YOU DON”T RECOGNIZE THE MOTHER OF YOUR OWN CHILD!!!!”
Lucifer Lass, dressed as Hanna Haggis, “YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO FLIRT WITH ME AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO HER!!!!”
Golden Girl, Dressed as herself, whoever that is, “YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE ME… ME!! AFTER I GAVE YOU THE BEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE… AND A FINE SON… AND YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE ME!!!”
Fat Cramer, Dressed in her Campaign Speech Clothing, “WHEN I AM ELECTED LEGION WORLD LEADER…”
No resident of Legion World has ever had a cause to question Cobalt’s bravery under fire. The man is just flat out courageous. But, he’s not always smart. He will always choose to fight back, even when facing the most terrible odds.
And if you think one man against three fired up women who have decided that their sex’s honor has been impugned, backed by a female political candidate who just realized that she has the campaign issue to end all campaign issues sitting there ripe for the plucking, isn’t terrible odds, well brother you got another think coming.
Unfortunately for poor Cobie, his voice still sounded like Donald Duck on helium as he tried valiantly to make himself heard over the din.
“Ladies… Ladies Please…”
Well needless to say the invasion of Legion World by Jerry Springer Show Re-Runs was forgotten by all involved in this fracas. But the fracas caught the attention of those twin forces of trash journalism, Pappa Rotzi and Jerry Springer.
Both of them were fast approaching our heroes, cameras on tow and notebook in hand…
posted
Both of them were fast approaching our heroes, cameras on tow and notebook in hand…until they were accidently zapped by a terrible laser beam from an alien species! Time travelling/extra-dimensional monsters still ravaged Legion World as the LMBers dealt with their new found problems!
Cobalt turned to Numf-El and Golden Girl. "Wait a minute. How could you be my son when you're at least five years older than me?" "Time travel dad." replied Numf. "I was sent back in time when I was born, and have only recently learned that you were me father. This Golden Girl here is me mother, I recognize her from me childhood." The turned to her. "And I've come for my revenge." she yelled. "I've allied with the Time Mouse Trapper! All of Legion World is engulfed in a time warp, and just like your precious Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat have been transported away, I've sent my son back in time to become Numf-El! And now I will kill you Cobalt Kid for what you did to me all those years ago! And to think that I loved you once!" "But," said Cobalt "who the hell are you?"
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Meanwhile, the Time Mouse Trapper watched on, smiling with Delight. His plans were succeeding as planned, and he would have his revenge on the entire LMBP! Golden Girl would do her part, and the time warps were sending LMBPers far away so that there was nothing they could do.
He turned to his army standing before him: the Cogaaad Ants! Under a yellow sun they were powerless on Legion World, but by transporting them away to a world with a red sun, they now had the power of Daxamites and Superman! They could ravage the universe at a moments whim, and that is what he planned for them to do!
"Now my army, we shall ravage and destroy the world! On my signal..."
----------------------
Far off, the One called the One watches, as she too has her own plans. Let the Time Mouse Trapper destroy what he can, for the LMBP and he can destroy each other. Her interest is in Lucifer Lass and Eryk Davis Ester, and another figure none had yet considered...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Back on Legion World, Cobalt and Numf-El stared at Golden Girl, sure that any second she would reveal who she was! When suddenly, Lucifer Lass and Thriftshop Debutante suddenly blasted them all back!!!!
Lucifer Lass grabbed Eryk Davis Ester, as Teeds nodded to her, and their unsaid agreement remained firm. Lucifer Lass, Teeds and EDE teleported out, although Marvin of the Brood, Fat Cramer and Harbinger managed to leep into the teleporing beam, so they too went with them...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
The LMBPers continued to fight as best they could, as Princess Crujectra let loose a Code Red alert, as LMBPers from all over came! Space Ranger, Abin Quank, Kid Prime, Icefyre, Vee, Semi, Arachne, Lash, Lardy, Hummer Lass, Kid Prime, Sharky, Lucien and others gathered, as they put a combined effort to stop the time distortions that were occuring.
Doctor One worked with Invisible Brainiac to try and come up with some way to bring time back to normal again, when suddenly they got a message from Dev-Em and Kara, in a galaxy far away. "It's the ants guys. Somehow they're ultra powerful, and they're destroying everything!" yelled Dev. "We need help!" screamed Kara, as Giant Ants attacked! "Now our problem is two fold..." muttered Doctor One, trying to figure out what to do...
------------------
And somewhere in time, Dusty Baker and Rody the Super-Rat met the planet Pluto for the first time...
-------------------
Meanwhile among the super-powerful giant ants, they were enjoying their new found power and were happy with the prospect of enslaving the world!
All except one that is. P'ym H'Enry, an ant that considered himself a scienctist, appeared to be the last of the Cogaaad to have a conscience. With the ability to shrink to the size of a normal man, and to also communicate with men, he adopted a new super-hero guise: Ant-Man! Ant-Man contacted fellow non-human Outdoor Miner whom he had meant in a bar long ago...
...however, Outdoor Miner was still drinking. All this time since page two, and he was hammered. The world's fate appeared to be in the hands of Outdoor Miner as he slammed home another Guiness...
[ November 21, 2003, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Cobalt Kid ]
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
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Sitting safely elsewhere, Eddie Tor mumbles something profane as he reads the latest story threads. How can things go so wrong, so quickly? Vaguely technical thoughts rattle around inside his head as he ponders what to do now.
Half a good cigar and three beers later he makes his decision.
“Well, it’s dat toime,” he mutters as he pushes away from his battered desk and leaves his small office. “I gotta do dis, but I don’t gotta like doin dis.”
He slowly wanders down the space/time continuum hallway eventually stopping in front of a door marked “Log-On World.” Inside that room are the actors who have been written into the “Ongoing Tag Team Thread”, He doesn’t want to face them but steeling himself he pushes the door open. Eager faces great his arrival.
“Ummm… Look youse guys, I’m sorry like, but dis show is wat’s called a totally flop. Dere ain’t no more readers, and mosta da writers have given up even tryin. All ya gottsta do is read da last few posts. Dey won’t give up on crummy iders and dey keep stompin all over each udder. Dat Cobalt guy tinks dis is a Rob Leftfield book, all action dat don’t like make no sense, like, and dat Abin Quanky character is even woise, he acturally tinks his crap is funny.”
He paused then and looked down at his feet before continuing.
"Weel, I guess wot I’m tryin ter say am I gotsta let a few o yer’s go…”
“Ever’day Goil, I knows ya thought dis was yer big break like, a chance ter breaks inta da big toime. But dey won’t give you no chance here, ‘sept maybe ta get a laugh by pullin da Spaced Rangerer’s finger again, so it’s back ta limbo fer you and yer demons.”
“Golden Goil, I knows dey screwed yer character all up, but ya just gots ta ride it out, yer contract like, won’t let me change tings.”
“Wart Woild and da Robot-Cans, youse is outta here too. Da space fer da “Warts around Uranus” jokes got killed by somebody, so it’s back ta limbo fer youse guys.”
“Where ya goin’ Spectaculr Aqua Lungs Lass? Dey might use ya, dey likes big chested bimbos, and youse is da best dere ever was.”
“Okays, ever’body dat’s left, be ready fer like non-stoppin fights cause I tink deres only one writer left, and he ony like, knows how ta write fights an udder “Image Comics” stuff.”
“Sorry bout dat guys an goils, buts I kin only do so much. Fer dose o ya dats left I’ll be inna can fer a few weeks, I gotsta take a majer dump.”
* Quaalude wears off *
-------------------- Just an Old, Broke-Down, Drunk, Bum!!
With a Power Ring...
From: Westerly Rhode Island | Registered: Aug 2003
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