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“Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.”
The thought seemed to rattle endlessly through Karen Kent Clarke’s mind.
“Strange visitor from another planet, gifted with powers and abilities far beyond those of normal humans…”
God, she hated that damm show. But, the royalties did allow her to live a lifestyle only dreamed about by the other National Inquirer reporters. And she did have the “Powers and Abilities”. They just weren’t the ones in the damm show.
“The world isn’t ready for the truth.” They said and proceeded to rework everything.
So her home planet of Hermaphadon became Krypton, and Lennie Layme became Lois Lane, and…
The Iron Hermaphrodite became the Man of Steel. It Sucked. But in George Shrub’s vision of the world there wasn’t any room for people who didn’t fit the “Nuclear Family” mold. So she used the system to generate the revenues needed to fight the system. But it still sucked. She could be a he or an it any time she wanted to. One thought and Presto Change-o, Karen Clarke, Ace Reporter became Kent Clarke, Movie Star or K. K. Clarke, the person in the mail-room everyone wondered about. Or (s)he could be Super Duper Marvelous Man, the greatest (and best dressed) super-hero of them all, and she could hate every second of it. The one thing (s)he couldn’t be was his/herself.
But then the Universe Blinked!
Suddenly nothing was the same…
The Golden Age of Super-Heroes was GONE! Wiped out like it never existed. Infinite Earths combined into one. For a split second confusion and chaos reigned. (and now we know, the whole thing was MLLash’s fault)
Then the universe’s eyelid opened. Characters were rebooted. Timelines and histories adjusted to the new reality. And no one was more affected than Super Duper Marvy Person.
Two of his/her identities vanished, his/her son Super Marvel Man claimed the mantle of the World’s Greatest Super Hero, and (s)he was suddenly older. But, (s)he was out of the closet. The world had it’s first and only (known) Bi-Sexual Super-Hero.
And best of all (s)he was based in Amsterdam, where nobody gave a flying rat’s ass what George Shrub thought.
But, speaking of Flying Rat’s Asses…
-------------------- Just an Old, Broke-Down, Drunk, Bum!!
With a Power Ring...
From: Westerly Rhode Island | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
The Mysterious and Powerful Sorcerer StuRat ignored the grumbling of Faraway Lad and Icefyre as the trio flew through space on their way back to Legion World. Faraway Lad had offered to use his powers to instantly transport the trio back to Legion World but StuRat, the newly elected LW Leader vetoed the idea without an explanation.
StuRat needed some time to think. He’d been trapped in the IB & CK story segments for some time now and while he enjoyed the action and adventure, allowing the characters to think things through and make intelligent decisions was definitely not one of IB & CK’s strengths. Well to be fair, intelligent decisions were not the character’s strengths either, so IB & CK are writing to the strengths of their characters. But, in StuRat’s case he knew that he needed to change that soon. A pair of characters from his storied past had recently arrived on LW and awakened some old memories. He needed time to sort through them and decide what to do.
Centuries ago, or last week, depending on ripples in the time stream, a much younger StuRat had journeyed to Ancient Pre-Egypt to learn at the feet of the greatest sorcerer of that age, Numb-Nuts the Semi-Incomprehensible. There in his first mammalian form (StuRat was first born as StuVirus [he was originally a common cold virus with delusions of grandeur, which explains how he’s been around for so long] and progressed rapidly up the evolutionary chain from there, StuAmoeba, StuPlankton, StuJellyfish, StuRemora, StuNewt, etc.). As StuGerbil he first learned the ancient Pre-Egyptian words of power that allow him to change his form at will. It was during that time that StuGerbil first met Stoopid Cat and learned that Pagan Lass would be born centuries later.
He also learned that when their paths converged again, the greatest menace in the history of the universe would manifest itself and only he, Pagan Lass, and Stoopid Cat working together could defeat it. Bast, the ancient Pre-Egyptian Goddess of Cats, named that menace “The Master-Baiter of Universe “C” and the Fish Hooker Legion”.
That was the crux of the problem. Right now, the LMBPer’s (in several of IB & CK’s action oriented story segments) were beating the Goo out of a villain who called himself the Master-Baiter. But was it the right Master-Baiter? How could he tell?
“Master-Baiters are as common as fleas on a rat,” he thought as he scratched himself. “Why there must be a couple of dozen Master-Baiters in the LMBP.”
That thought drew his attention to Icefyre as he remembered a comment Icey made recently about fishing with Shark-Lad and how much they enjoyed hooking each other’s worms. But they were hardly the only LMBPers who were avid fishermen.
Most of the LMBPers were members of B.B.A.S.S. (the Browneye Bass Angler Sportsman’s Society) and Browneye Bass fishing was the single most popular sport on Legion World. Most nights the conversation at SHAKES revolved around B.B.A.S.S. members bragging about the Browneyes and the occasional Trout (On LW the Tight Fitting Trouser Trout is the only sport fish that rivals the Browneye Bass in popularity.) they’d sacked, or were planning on sacking. Occasionally you’d hear remorse about the ones that got away. Often conversation would revolve around whether it was the size of the boat or the motion of the ocean that made their frequent fishing trips so enjoyable.
The conversation could also include frequent debates over how to identify the best Browneye locations. Browneyes always hide in underwater formations called buttcracks, as opposed to Trout which always appear in or near a formation called the Bulge. The debate is usually over which of the wide variety of buttcrack formations is most likely to hide the best Browneyes. With Trout the question is simply, what size fish are you looking for? The bigger the bulge, the bigger the trout seems to be the favored rule, although it’s not universal. Most Legion World fishermen universally favor the death penalty for the heinous practice of bulge padding, which seriously distorts their expectations about the size of the trout they are fishing for.
Another frequent topic of conversation is the location of their favorite fishing spots and proper care and lubrication of their equipment. Amazingly two of the favorite locations are the recreation area located under the Emerald Empress’s massive bed, and the “Ol’ Fishin’ Hole” as the back room of SHAKES is often called. Well perhaps the recreation area wasn’t that surprising when he considered the fact that the Empress is famous for her expertise in maintaining and lubricating fishing poles and a well lubricated pole is essential to the sport of Browneye fishing, especially if the Browneye is hidden in a particularly firm and tight buttcrack.
Still StuRat knew that all in all, the Legion World Browneye and Trout fishermen are a friendly well adjusted group of close friends who enjoyed each other’s company. And StuRat also knew that they are all catch and release fishermen. The Browneyes and Trout they caught are always released back into the wild after some tender loving care. After all, they are sportsmen who want the opportunity to enjoy their favorite pastime for many years to come.
StuRat was convinced that the Master-Baiter in question was a loner. A solitary individual who treated the Browneyes and Trout he caught badly. He probably mounted his catches after the catch and kept them as trophies rather than releasing them.
Therefore StuRat had serious doubts that the Master-Baiter he was looking for was a member of the LMBP or the clown currently having the Goo beaten out of him several light years away. He knew that he needed help in unraveling this mystery and he knew where to get that help.
Another of the ancient Pre-Egyptian words of power StuRat learned allows him to commune with all of his past and future selves. Now, he needed the StuBeing that he knew was atop the highest rung of the Stu evolutionary chain. The StuBeing he had spent his entire life forging toward.
He needed the advice of StuChiaElephant…
-------------------- Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (Just as soon as the Check Clears!)
From: The Back Office in Abin's Fixit Shop. | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
The Rainbow Man of Ekron continued to move towards Legion World...
The Master-Baiter and Vibra-ter were also joining them, although Stu's thoughts began to question whether he was the true menace that they all feared...
-------------------------------
Meanwhile, an even bigger, louder and more drawn out battle was taking place, as the LMBP united stormed Wartworld and attempted to raze it!
Instead of acting like Super-Heroes, the LMBP decided it would be more fun to pretend they were a large group of Huns on the prowl, looking to pillage and plunder this new enemy!
Chaos ensued, and no words can describe the horror of such a battle...
*although now would be a great time for an artist to come along and draw a big splash page of the LMBP fighting Wartworld!!!! (hint, hint, nudge, nudge)*
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Lightning Lad was feeling nervous. He couldn't shake the nagging feeling that some disaster would befall Legion World soon. You can call it an anxiety disorder if you want, but LL's experience as a long-standing Legionnaire had given him a sense of intuition which was almost as strong as women's intuition. That was the reason why he had not let Super Lad Kid and the others join the LMBPers out in space. He had explained to them that he and the other founders had had a gut feeling about imminent danger. The others had complianed, but they had deferred to the founders' experience. He had faith that the others would be successful anyway; they had a lot of power among them. Esk was asleep right now, trying to find some clue in her visions that would help them be prepared, and Saturn Girl was keeping the telepathic channel open so she could warn them of any threat. Princess Cru's team didn't notice any threat heading their way, and STU's team didn;t either, but STU was in one of his thinking moods and he'd tell when he was done reasoning out. They hadn't been able to reach Kid Prime's team, so they must be traveling through Senor Widebottom's pants, as that would be out of SG's telepathic range. He, Nightcrawler and the others on LW were checking its security systems, weapons systems and the like, just in case. LL just hoped his feeling was wrong, but he knew that it probably wouldn;t be.
posted
Having made his decision, StuRat quickly brought his team down onto the closest inhabited planet, Orgasmis Major, which just happened to be the home of a very advanced alien civilization known as the Mayte Swappers. The planet Orgasmis Major was known for two things; a planetary atmosphere which made headaches impossible and caused dramatic increases in the pheromone production of sentient beings and a total lack of aquatic life in the few small oceans and lakes which dotted its surface. The planetary conditions found on Orgasmis Major gave rise to a planetary economy based on the production of Silk Thong Lingerie, The Suddenly Slutty Cosmetics Line, and Specialty Liquors such as Gay Goose Vodka, Bi-Beer, and the popular Knees High Valley Wines.
Because of those facts StuRat was confident that there were no Master-Baiters on Orgasmis Major.
As soon as they were on the ground, so to speak, StuRat sent Icefyre to pay the LMBP’s respects to the leader of the Mayte Swappers, G. Spot Tickler and her Mayte of the Week, T. Fuzzball Liquor. He was confident that Icefire would perform admirably in his ambassadorial duties and in a few bedrooms as well. StuRat then sent Faraway Lad back to Legion World with a message for the founders, telling them what he was going to do.
Meanwhile back on Legion World…
A slight hint of sulfur and brimstone… a faint *Bamf*… three cutlasses flashing in unison…
The training room lights were turned down to the point where his blue-black skin was barely visible in the rapidly shifting shadows. The brightly colored uniform lay discarded in the corner, sweat ran freely down his muscular torso and an ever so controlled feral grin broke momentarily across his features each time one of his swords sliced into the syntho-flesh of his opponents.
“Who the Sprock do they think they are,” …slash, parry, bamf… “restricting ME to Legion World,” his fanged grin belied the tone of his voice. “Cobalt and IB are going to Regret…” …slash, bamf… “that…’’ ….thrust, slash, parry… “Stupid Decision…” **Bamf** A tightly coiled figure appears in the midst of the final three attackers. Even as they orient on him, he seemingly explodes. Two heads bounce across the floor while the third figure slumps against the wall with a cutlass through its chest. “…very soon!”
The merest ripple in the air of the chamber alerts him to a new presence. Instantly his cutlasses are oriented on the arrival point. This was not part of his training program.
“Abort program! Kill the Lights!” The darkness is his ally. As the lights extinguish… a form becomes visible to him. A form that none of the other LMBPers have ever seen with the clarity that he sees it with…
“Hello, Josephine, to what do I owe this pleasure?” the words seem to whistle as the tension drains from his body… three cutlasses swish in a complex salute and he bows to his visitor.
“Hello, Nighty, I see that you haven’t lost your touch,” the words are low and sweet, spoken in a tone that is more a whisper in the night than anything else. “They think that they are protecting you, you are more important to them than you realize…”
“Hrumph… Protecting ME?” He gestures and the lights brighten slightly, like him she is most comfortable in the twilight. “What makes them think I need protecting?” His tail flips a cutlass across the room; it buries itself into a wall.
“Baalshazzar!”
The sharp sound of his name used as an oath brought his eyes into a tight focus on her translucent form. His real name is known to all, but only a very few dare use it. "She would dare!" He thought, "and she knows how to get my attention."
“Perhaps they believe that the strain of creating this place has worn you down.”
“Is that why you are here? To make their excuses for them?”
“No, to remind you that you make the rules. And to tell you that StuRat will shortly have need of your abilities…”
Orgasmis Major
It was big, it was impressive, it was Green & Fuzzy? With an ebony head that set off its gleaming white tusks? Yes! It was StuChiaElephant!
Trixie was in a tither, which is almost as impressive as Trixie in a negligee without showing as much skin. The latest issue of the “Ongoing Adventures of the LMBP” was almost ready to be sent to the printers but of course there was a small problem. There always is in the publishing business. And as usual it involved the dreaded dead lion.
Usually the dead lion plopped it’s carcass on Eddie’s desk on the last Friday of the celestial month. But this month contained not one, not two, but three, count them, three holidays. And the dead lion belonged to the union and was exempt from working holidays, so it plopped it’s carcass on Eddie’s desk a full week before it was expected.
The problem was that Eddie wasn’t there when the dead lion arrived. He was off at Phineas’s Holiday party. So Trixie was left to deal with the dead lion.
Now the dead lion isn’t a problem if the current issue has been put to bed. But, the current issue was still up and running around the office and when the dead lion appeared it scared a full two pages out of it.
So now Trixie, who wanted to shut down and leave for the party herself, had to find two pages of replacement material so that the issue could be put to bed before the dead lion created any more havoc.
Out of desperation, She was almost ready to put in a two page ad for her latest “Private” Video, when the missing pages from SHAKES magically appeared on her desk…
-------------------- Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (Just as soon as the Check Clears!)
From: The Back Office in Abin's Fixit Shop. | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
Sharn D'Oh, leader of the Robot Cans launched her own mindless attack on the LMB, as Wart World became the center of a catastrophic battle! Like the Visigoths who sacked Rome, the LMB raided Wart World, hoping to sack it! The Robot Cans, like Assyrian butchers who were finally being crushed, the Robot Cans fought to the death!
Finally, Lard Lad looked at the Hootchie Hut, where no one was drinking or making wild love, and erupted in a fury!
"Enough! I'm tired of constant end of the world battles! I need sex and drinking in between!"
Even more furious, the LMBP renewed it's assault on Wart World. Sharn D'Oh was so caught up in the battle, that she stripped her clothes, revealed her naked Robot Skin and yanked Poverty Lad to the ground, making violet love to him!
Soon, the battle began to slow, as the combined might of the LMBP was too much for Wart World. Marvin, after satisfying Sharn D'Oh until she drifted off too a Robot slumber, watched as the LMBPers rounded up the Robot Cans and made them dance in a circle doing 'the robot'.
"We hereby swear to return Wart World to where it was as the planet Pluto." they said.
"And I will add the final touch," said Marvin, "even though Pluto is a disney character, I will make sure that whenever anyone ever sees Wart World, they will see Pluto, Mickey Mouse's dog". The Robot Cans submitted to this final humiliation, all except Bender and Hedonism Bot, two robots who silently escaped into the depths of space, to be used once again in a tag-team story. -----------------------
Enjoying the huge victory over Wart World, the tired LMBers all forgot about the real mission at hand, and returned to the Hootchie Hut for a massive orgy/drinking binge/limbo contest!!!
Meanwhile...
From: If you don't want my peaches, honey... | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Kid Prime and his little team of LMBPers trudged along in Senor Widebottom's HOP. The mood was very somber; they had already made three wrong turns along the way. Kid Prime regretted sending Senor Widebottom with the other team. SW would have been a great help in the big fight going on near the Hootchie Hut, but he could easily have sent some of the others instead. Grey Birdboy's navigation skills were being taxed to their limits, since the HOP was full of twists, turns and misleading trails. KP shook his head. He should have made sure that one of the members of his group had already gone through SW's HOP before. Grey Birdboy had already collapsed twice from sheer exhaustion, and americommando had had to carry him. Now, they had to rely on the Empress' incrasingly weakening mental connection with the Eye to lead then to Legion World. But if the Rainbow Man was already at LW, then they might be too late; if it wasn't, then they might end up any place BUT Legion World. Kid Prime wanted to punch something. The Empress' prolonged separation form the Eye was making her more and more irritated, which was why he had chosen Pagan Lass to come along. He had thought of asking her to prepare a teleportation spell, but the risks of it going terribly wrong were too great in this otherworldly dimension. He had already taken a great risk just asking her to give a sleeping draught to Grey, but it had to be done. Actorlad had already tried several times to lighten the mood, but only Pagan Lass had shown even a semblance of a smile. Everybody knew the price of their failure to get to LW in time. The only other ones who could avert the terrible disaster would be Invisible Brainy and the others with him, but as far as he knew they were still locked in combat with the Super Moby Dicks and the others. No, they had to reach LW soon. It all depended on them. He called a five minute break first. As his weary teammates sat down around him, KP looked at each of their faces. Despair was painted on each one. KP took a deep breath. "Look, you guys. It's pretty much all my fault that we're still stuck here. I should have taken the time to think intelligently before plunging in like this. Now, not only are we stuck here, but Legion World might be doomed too. I-I'm sorry." Kid Prime couldn't bring himself to raise his head. It WAS all his fault, and he wouldn;t blame them if they hated him. He braced himself for their scathing words. "What are you talking about, KP? We're all in this together, and you know it. It's none of our faults." You could have knocked KP over with an Imskite. He didn't expect any of them to think that way, least of all Pagan Lass! "Yeah, we're LMBPers! We'll get out of this!" "We trust you, KP." "Nothing's going to happen to Legion World while we're on the job!" Everyone was babbling at once, all with words of support. KP could see hope blossom on their faces. Suddenly, the Empress drew herself up. "Yes, I won't stand for you blaming yourself, Kid Prime. The Rainbow Man would never have been unleashed had I not let myself lose control of the Emerald Eye, but I have accepted my mistake and know that we can go on. You are our team leader, and a worthy one at that. I have the utmost faith in you." These words put new life in everyone. If someone as wise and as regal as the Empress though this, then it must be true! Kid Prime could feel life flowing into him, almost as if he had been remade from scratch, with the best quality parts this side of Wartworld. "Well, you guys certainly told me off. Thanks. What are we waiting for? Let's get off our butts and hurry up so we can save the day! Let's see how Grey's doing. Pagan Lass, didn;t you say that he'd be okay by now?" Pagan Lass nodded. It was good to see Kid Prime and the others regain their spirits and their confidence. She could see how they had gained their reputations as great warriors. She bent down over Grey's head, and dabbed some lotion on him as she chanted a spell that she had learned long ago. Then she stepped back as Grey's eyes blinked open. He stood, almost jumped, up. "I don't know what you guys did to me, but I can see the way clearly now! We're almost at Legion World! What are you standing around like a bunch of uneducated primitives for? Move it!" Grey took off like a comet, wings beating rapidly. Everyone else just stared in shock. Kid Prime could hardly believe it. There was more to Pagan Lass than he thought. But there would be time for speculation later, they still had a job to do. And if Grey said he knew the way, then he knew it. They must be close. "Well, what are you waiting for? You heard the man! Let's move!"
posted
And so they followed him home and lived happily ever after in a nice flower strewn cottage on the Southern Epsom Downs, or so I'd have you believe. Truth be told it wasn't that simple. what really happened was.....
From: home sweet home... unless i'm posting from work | Registered: Jul 2003
| IP: Logged |
Invisible Brainy was lounging on the roof at the Hootchie Hut. Or so one would think, upon a casual glimpse. But in reality, his mind was racing. IB was worried about the fate of the LMBP. After Wart World had been defeated, he had given Kid Prime's urgent summons to the other LMBPers. He had expected them to zoom off to protect Legion World, but instead they had all zoomed into the Hootchie Hut! IB was hoping that they had just gone in to recharge after the battle, but they had settled into a frenzy of eating, drinking, and other stuff which had been deemed too naughty for a teenager, so IB was relegated to the outside. He couldn't believe it. How could the LMBP give up so easily? The greatest heroes in the universe couldn't possibly be cowards, could they? IB sat down and thought. He remembered how he first came to Legion World, invisibly, of course. He had been inducted into the LMBP by Cobalt Kid after helping out on a mission, and everybody had treated him like a genius immediately. But IB didn't really need to become invisible in order to access his full intellect; he just found it easier to concentrate without anyone seeing him. And he wasn't all that smart either. He just had a good memory and a natural talent for figuring things out, but scientifically he didn't even have a fraction of Doctor One's ability. His hiding of the truth may have seemed malicious, but IB couldn't help it. He was in awe of all the others, and he often hung back during his early missions because he wasn't sure that what he was planning to do was right. It had nearly cost him his life, even, when the Yellow-Bellied Staffsucker they were fighting knocked him out and nearly ate him up. His unconsciousness made him turn visible, and the others, seeing that he was just a kid, rushed in to stop the Staffsucker. Harbinger and Fat Cramer had given him a mighty proper scolding too, and even Sonnie Bloke had agreed with Harbi, for once. Cobalt Kid, especially, had been pretty disappointed that IB had chosen to hide for so long. IB still cringed at the thought. He looked up to all of the LMBPers, but he thought of Cobie as a big brother. He even backed Cobie up when he said that Nightcrawler and the other founders had to stay on LW, which was saying a lot as IB looked upon the 3 founders almost as if they were the real Legionnaires from the stories. From then on, all the LMBPers had been especially protective of him, and he often had to stay behind when the others were out fighting big battles. To tell the truth, IB kind of liked that. It made him feel much safer, especially since they never expected more from him than they could handle. It was certainly better than back home, where everyone always expected so much from him, as if he could do no wrong... Besides, Globe Girl would often let him hide in her globes when there was a lot of danger, an experience which every guy should get to have at least once in their life. But anyway, IB practically worshipped the others, which made their perceived weakness now very very disturbing. But IB understood. They had all heard of the legends of the Rainbow Man of Ekron, of how it could destroy an entire solar system without breaking a sweat. And they had all seen the Emerald Eye in action before. If one Eye was that powerful, then the Rainbow Man must be staggeringly so. His teammates were merely enjoying what they feared would be the last hours of their lives. They weren't just scared: they were terrified beyond their wildest fears and nightmares. They probably all thought that Legion World was destroyed already. But IB had this one thing that the others probably had lost already. A little bit of naivete, a little bit of innocence, and a lot of hope. He slowly stood up, a determined look on his face. Only the LMBP could save the galaxy now, and IB would have to convince them they could do it.
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The inside of the Hootchie Hut was wild. Lardy and Hummer Lass were carrying on in the corner. Harbinger and Sonnie Bloke were screaming at each other again, while Abin Quank and Space Ranger were havong a brotherly wrestling match on the floor. A drunk Cobalt Kid was trying to drag a statue into bed, and Fat Cramer was trying to get her tail out from under it. Lash Lad was tangled up in all his whips, and Sharky was swallowing crates if beer by the dozens. IB couldn't stand it. He wasn;t bothered by their carryings-on; he had watched their wild parties before on Legion World. But he was bothered because he could see through their brave faces into the hopelessness they were hiding within. IB shivered. He had to make them see what he could see: that they were the greatest bunch of heroes this galaxy had ever seen. He swalloed nervously. Doing that would mean giving a Cosmic Boy-like pep talk IN FRONT OF ALL OF THEM. IB figured he would probably end up wetting himself, like the time when his light powers went out of control. He had nearly destroyed his old school then, and had gotten sent away to Legion World. He had only managed enough control to turn himself invisible, and he had been forced to wear a power inhibitor to ensure that he couldn't use the full extent of his powers. IB closed his eyes, trying to find the strength from within him. He drifted back to his triumphes at his old school, when he had overcome the taunts of the other kids and had given them the rough side of his tongue. He flattered them ,he debated with them, he made it all the way to the top. He had earned the nickname "Silvertongue", and also "Brainiac". He had got it made, before his powers manifested, went out of control and threatened to destroy the stong walls he had built to bolster his self-esteem. IB had tried to shut those memories out of his mind, but they came flooding in again. He remembered his parents, telling him how proud they were. He remembered his best friends, and the fun they had writing their silly little stories. He remembered his teachers, how they had encouraged and guided him. And he remembered his new friends on Legion World, and how they had been there for him all this time. He opened his eyes, and he saw only the true nobility amd strength of his teammates, the nobility and strength that he had to awaken. He stepped forward. "Um, guys? Guys?" They were still too busy despairing to listen. IB took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and focused on his friends. "SHUT! THE! SPROCK! UP! Okay, listen up, you guys! I know that you all know that Legion World is about to be attacked by what may be the most powerful creature we have ever encountered. I know that that thing probably makes us look like a bunch of tenth-rate superhero wannabes. I know that most of us may not get through the next 24 hours alive. But I also know that we are the Legion of Message Board Posters. We are the best heroes in the galaxy. We may not be all that powerful, but because of our hearts and our souls and our teamwork and each other, we have made it through things that would have made anyone else curl up and weep like a baby. We've taken out Climacticus, Pornis, Salad-tosser Lad (whose real powers I still don't know, I also always thought that he threw lettuce around...), the invasion of our last headquarters, and even evil EDEs. We've been to hell and back. We've done things that even the Legion of Superheroes might be hard-pressed to do. And that is not blasphemy! We are the greatest, the best, the brightest stars the universe has to offer, and because we've got each other we'll triumph this time too! Now get off your butts and let's get going! Our founders need us, and we've got a Legion World to save! So come on and prove that you're not just a bunch of lucky sissies, and show me that I'm not wrong in hero-worshipping all of you!" **************** All the LMBPers were stunned. Firstly, IB had never even come close to showing the slightest bit of real aggression. Second, he had said this all in one breath. Third, few people had ever told them off like this, and almost nobody had praised them so greatly. And last, they all knew deep down that what IB was saying was true. ************ IB slowly opened his eyes. That long-winded speech had nearly knocked him out. His ears were ringing, and he couldn't hear anything. He looked around, trying to gauge their reactions to what he just sai, and he realized that his ears weren't the problem. There really was nothing to hear. Everyone was gazing at him in wonder, their mouths hanging open like they had just been hooked by the Master of Master-Baiters. Lardy had actually pulled Hummer Lass away from him. Globe Girl's globes were throbbing. Fat Cramer was looking at him with her piercing cat eyes. Harbinger and Sonnie Bloke were standing side-by-side, their hands around each other's shoulders. Abin Quank's power ring, which had been returned to him when IB and the others had arrived, was glowing brighter than ever. Space Ranger, Danny Blaine, Arachne, Sharky, Lash, Semi, Vee, Santa, Bugs, Marvin, Everyday Girl, Senor Widebottom, and all the others, they were all staring at him. IB wanted to fade and lie down and die. "They probably think I'm sure sort of nutty loudmouth wacko..." Then Cobie stood up, slowly but purposefully. "IB is right! We're the LMBP! We can't lose, not ever! Legion World is our home, and we'll never let some two-bit geeky Rainbow Man take it apart!" Numf-el stood up. "Ay, let's kick some Rainbow butt!" Fat Cramer spoke up. "For Legion World! For our founders! And for the LMBP! Let's win!" All around them, the LMBPers found hope again. They remembered their greatest triumphs, their greatest challenges, and they knew that they had the strength to do it. One by one, they all stood up and added their voices in agreement, and they all felt a oneness among them, a oneness that would never go away. IB smiled. Hang on, Legion World, we're on our way. It was a testament to their newfound sense of purpose that not a one of them even thought of sneaking back into the Hootchie Hut for one last drink.
Of course, later on, all the LMBPers present would agree never to speak of this incident again. Nightcrawler knew something kind of silly had happened, and he kept trying to find out what, because he would never let any of them, especially Cobie and IB, who had so foolishly made him stuck on LW, live it down. All of them just kept mum about the events at the Hootchie Hut, but they never, ever lost hope again. It was just better not to admit that they had all been so corny and silly back there, since nobody expects great heroes to blubber like a bunch of kids who had just been stood up at the prom.
It was a fairly quiet night at SHAKES. Semi was behind the bar as usual and a couple of regulars were enjoying a few drinks and some almost quiet conversation.
Cobalt Kid, Stu and Abin Quank sat at one end of the bar laughing and joking about some of the recent hijinx around Legion World.
Some posters believe that SHAKES is a Gay Bar. It isn’t. Sure some of the regulars are gay but others are straight and a few defy description. SHAKES is one of those rare places where the regular crowd is not defined by labels. At SHAKES the mix changes from night to night and sometimes from hour to hour. You might find Icefire doing a pole dance, or either Cobalt, or Harbinger banging out tunes on the piano. The place might be crowded and noisy or just a few people might be having quiet conversations.
This was one of those quiet conversation nights. At least until Harbinger dropped by to congratulate Semi on his latest posting milestone (3100 posts I believe, which is a real feat). Semi was richly deserving of the recognition he received that day.
The ‘Binger is a stone cold knockout. A petite hazel eyed blonde who may have been the inspiration for the “Hooters” restaurant chain. And, she’s got it.
IT is that special quality that some people have that just makes them fun to be around. IT can’t be defined because IT is different for each and every person that has IT.
Semi has it. He’s someone with the ability to make people comfortable. Vee has it. He’s a nice pleasant guy who you want to be your friend. Stu has it. Only in his case it’s a special brand of zaniness that draws everyone around him into the fun. Cobalt has it. Only in his case it’s an ego so big it blocks out the sun but also helps to make Legion World a fun place to hang out (if only to watch it get regularly punctured). Actually, the vast majority of the regulars on Legion World have it. And in every case IT is a little different. But then there’s Abin Quank. Well, Umm… Abin had it, but he forgot where he put it. But he tries hard and he’s got a power ring. And that my friends, is what started all the trouble.
-------------------- Truth and Justice shall Prevail! (Just as soon as the Check Clears!)
From: The Back Office in Abin's Fixit Shop. | Registered: Sep 2003
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